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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                     Episode 805


                                      "AWESOM-O"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [Butters' house, day. Butters is in the living room eating some 
               soup. The doorbell rings. Butters stops and looks at the door. 
               He rises and opens it, and sees a large wooden crate waiting 
               on the porch]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         What the heck?  Whoa! What a huge package! 
                          "To Butters Stotch."  Oh boy! It's 
                         for me! It's for me!!  Who is it from? 
                         "Sent from: Japan. Konichi-wa."  Wow! 
                         A package for me from Japan!!  Wow, 
                         what can it be? My birthday isn't until 
                         September 11th.  Oh boy! I've never 
                         gotten a package this big! I've always 
                         wanted to have a huge package. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Greetings. I am the AWESOM-O 4000.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                          Whoa...

                                     CARTMAN
                         I have been sent from Japan to serve 
                         as your personal robot.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          You... you're my robot?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes. I will be your new best friend.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh wow!

               [Moments later, Butters has Cartman sitting on his bed. Butters 
               goes to his desk and makes a few calls.]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Yep. That's right. He's a real live 
                         robot. He can walk and talk and everything. 
                         You're like the fourth kid I told already. 
                          Well I gotta go Dougie. My robot and 
                         I have stuff to do.  Heheh, they're 
                         all so jealous!  I'm so glad you came 
                         into my life, AWESOM-O. You're the best 
                         friend a guy could have.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes. You can trust AWESOM-O. In face, 
                         you should tell AWESOM-O all your most 
                         personal secrets. AWESOM-O will not 
                         make fun of you or tell your secrets 
                         to other people and stuff.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hey yeah! Well I can tell you anything, 
                         huh?  Well lessee... Well, for one, 
                         I have what's called a heziated colon, 
                         which means I sometime can't control 
                         my sphincter.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Could be.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Well, nobody knows it, but sometimes 
                         I poop my pants, so I have to wear a 
                         diaper to school.  You okay, AWESOM-O?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes. AWESOM-O is fine. Please go on.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well, I have to take medicine for it 
                         every day. It's a little suppository 
                         I have to ...put up my rectom.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          That, that's very interesting. Tell 
                         AWESOM-O more secrets.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hm, okay. Let's see  Oh, my parents 
                         don't know, but sometimes I get picked 
                         on by this one kid at school; his name 
                         is Eric Cartman, and he always tries 
                         to play jokes on me and stuff.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, really?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeah. One time he made me think a meteor 
                         had hit the earth, and convinced me 
                         to stay down in a bomb shelter for three 
                         days.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Heh. Wow, that sucks.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeah. And then this other time, he pretended 
                         to be me on the phone to my dad and 
                         called him a pussy, so my dad came home 
                         and beat me.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Wow. Sounds like this Cartman kid is 
                         pretty smart.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         No, he's not smart! He's just an asshole. 
                         And he's never gonna play on me ever 
                         again! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Really? You think so? Well, guess what, 
                         Butters. I have a surprise for you.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeah, and he's never gonna get me again! 
                         'Cause what Cartman doesn't know is 
                         that I know one of his secrets!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What?

                                     BUTTERS
                         When Cartman is playing all alone in 
                         his backyard, he likes to dress up like 
                         Britney Spears and pretend he's her! 
                         Hi sings and dances around with a life-sized 
                         cutout of Justin Timberlake.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You saw that?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeah! And I videotaped him doing it!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Nuh uh.

                                     BUTTERS
                         I've got the whole thing on tape! Even 
                         him making out with the Justin Timberlake 
                         cutout!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No way.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeah! And if Cartman ever messes with 
                         me again, I'm gonna show that video 
                         to everybody! Then I'll lhave my revenge, 
                         boy howdy!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          ...Um, where is this videotape, Butters?
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Huh? Oh, I dunno. It's around here somewhere. 
                         Hey! So what do you wanna do now, AWESOM-O?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh, Butters, maybe you should give AWESOM-O 
                         the videotape?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         How come?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, because... AWESOM-O can, like, 
                         back it up for you, and make copies 
                         and stuff. I am AWESOM-O.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh, that's all right, AWESOM-O. Come 
                         on! I have a lot of things to teach 
                         you. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh, son of a bitch!

               [Montage. Butters tosses a basketball with Cartman on the front 
               lawn. Cartman, as AWESOM-O, can't catch it]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hey there have you heard about my robot 
                         friend?
 
               [they're walking along in a meadow. Butters is telling him a 
               story]
 
               He's metal and small and doesn't judge me at all.

               He's a cyberwired bundle of joy. 

               [Butters has AWESOM-O take shots at a basketball hoop. The shot 
               is good and Butters is pleased]
 
               My robot friend. 

               [Stan, Kyle and Kenny observe nearby from behind a bush. They're 
               dismayed at what they see. Stan grabs his nose and squeezes his 
               eyes shut, then walks off. Kyle and Kenny follow]
 
               I like to dip and daddle with my robot friend. 

               [jumps in a puddle, then has AWESOM-O do the same. Butters giggles]
 
               
               He's smart as can be and emotion-free 

               [washes dishes while AWESOM-O dries them, then they go see "The 
               Prince and Me." They exit, with Butters skipping beside AWESOM-O. 
               Butters loved the movie]
 
               And he's computin' his way to my heart.

               My robot friend. 

               [At a restaurant two burgers reach Butters' table. He gets one, 
               he motions to the waiter that AWESOM-O gets the other one. The 
               waiter looks confused, then walks away with the other burger]
 
               
               My robot friend. 

               [Butters has AWESOM-O pull him along in a red wagon]

               My robot friend. 

               [they walk into a sunset together]

               My robot ...friend.

               [the scene ends]

               [Butters' hosue, living room. His dad reads the newspaper, his 
               mom arrives with coffee and cookies and sets them down on the 
               coffee table]
 
                                     LINDA
                         Ohhh, that's so cute. Did you see Butters 
                         and his friend Eric playing Robot.
 
                         
                                     CHRIS
                          Yes. Those boys are quite imaginative. 
                         Leave it to them to find a fun way to 
                         do the dishes. 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          That's great AWESOM-O!  You can carry 
                         all my laundry in one trip!
 
                                     LINDA
                         Ah, Buttters, it's getting late. You 
                         should be getting ready for bed soon.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Okay Mom. Well, come on, AWESOM-O. Bedtime.
 
                         
                                     LINDA
                         Oh, is your little robot friend staying 
                         the night?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well of course he is. He's my robot, 
                         ain't he?
 
                                     LINDA
                         That's okay with your mom, Mr. Robot?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         AWESOM-O does not have a mom.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Yup! Don't you know nothin' about robot? 
                         Come on, AWESOM-O! You can put my laundry 
                         away! 
 
                                     LINDA
                         Aww, that's just adorable.

                                     CHRIS
                         It's good to see Butters finally have 
                         a friend that wants to stay over.
 
                         
               [The Stotch bathroom. Butters is brushing his teeth, AWESOM-O 
               stands next to him]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         I like to brush my teeth in the morning 
                         and at night. The teeth won't mind ..
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Grrr. Jesus Christ I can't go on like 
                         this.  Butters, remember when you said 
                         you had a video of Eric Cartman dressed 
                         like Britney Spears?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh. Yeah.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I would like to see what he looks like 
                         so I can beat him up for you. May I 
                         see the video?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Awww, you don't need to do that, AWESOM-O. 
                         Hey, I gotta put in my suppository. 
                          Can you help me?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Remember I said I put that medicinal 
                         suppository in my anus? It'll be so 
                         much easier havin' you do it from now 
                         on.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Um. Actually, AWESOM-O was not programmed 
                         for that function.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Haw, it's real easy. I'll show you. 
                         You just take this little thingy out 
                         of the plastic... paper, and and I'll, 
                         I'll pull down my pants ...and just 
                         slide it up in my anus there.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         ...No way.

                                     BUTTERS
                         AWESOM-O, I though you were programmed 
                         to do whatever I tell you.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Weak! 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeyeah, that, that's pretty good. Get 
                         it up there good and deep.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Lame!

               [Butters' house, moments later. The bedroom light remains on]
 
               
                                     BUTTERS
                         All right AWESOM-O, time for us to get 
                         some sleep.  Hey, you want me to teach 
                         you some bedtime songs? If you leave 
                         me now, you'll take away the biggest 
                         part of me. Ooo-oo-oooo-oo-oo...
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         AWESOM-O must rest! His CPU system overloading.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh, o-o-all right AWESOM-O. Let's get 
                         us some shut-eye,  or what, or whatever 
                         robots have. 
 
               [Morning. A cock crows. Butters wakes up, but AWESOM-O isn't 
               in bed with him. He looks around and sees his room is a mess. 
               His drawers are out of the dressers and his clothes are strewn 
               all over the place. One of his clothing rods has been knocked 
               down and his closet doors are open. AWESOM-O is shown at Butters' 
               desk looking through more stuff.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Where is it? Where is it??

                                     BUTTERS
                         AWESOM-O??

                                     CARTMAN
                         Wah!

                                     BUTTERS
                         AWESOM-O, what the Sam Heck are you 
                         doing?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Um, ah AWESOM-O is reorganizing your 
                         stuff for you.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Aw Jeez Jeez Louise! My mom is gonna 
                         be awful sore when she sees this mess! 
                         Now AWESOM-O, that is a bad robot! You 
                         can't do no chores for me unless I tell 
                         you to do them! You got it?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         AWESOM-O understands.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Now I'm gonna have to give ya a spankin', 
                         AWESOM-O, so that you'll learn better! 
                          Just know, AWESOM-O, that I did it 
                         because I love you. Okay, come on, let's 
                         go make some breakfast.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Goddamnit, I have to find that videotape!
 
                         
               [Butters' house, downstairs. Butters is drawing a picture at 
               the coffee table]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Look at that, AWESOM-O! I drew a picture 
                         of us playing in a field together.  
                         Ah I'll be right back. I'm gonna get 
                         some Sunny Delight. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I would like some Sunny Delight too.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                          Don't be silly, AWESOM-O. Robots don't 
                         need to drink nothin'.  Uheehee.  Whoa. 
                         Uh go answer the door, AWESOM-O.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          AWESOM-O will answers the door. 

                                     KYLE
                         What the hell are you doing, fatass?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Dude, are you still pretending to be 
                         a robot?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Shh!  I just need to uh make Butters 
                         think I'm a robot for a little while 
                         longer.
 
                                     STAN
                         Why?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Because I need to, all right?! I've 
                         got something planned that's uh gonna 
                         be really sweet. Just play along, okay?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Why?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Kyle, Goddamnit, will you just do-?
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                          Who's at the door, AWESOM-O? 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Three boys named Stan, Kyle, and Kenny.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Ah, hey fellas! Ah I see you met my 
                         robot.
 
                                     STAN
                         Uh yeah, Butters, he's real cool.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Hey he sure is! We do everything together. 
                         Why last night we even had a slumber 
                         party. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Weak.

                                     BUTTERS
                         He can do anything I command him to. 
                         He's real smart. Watch this: hey AWESOM-O, 
                         will you go get my friends some Sunny 
                         Delight?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes, of course. 

                                     KYLE
                         Oh wait. Hey AWESOM-O,  I'd also like 
                         some celery sticks chopped up two inches 
                         long, with peanut butter and raisins 
                         on top.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Suck mah balls, Kyle. 

                                     BUTTERS
                          He's made in Japan!

               [The dining room. Chris holds a cup of coffee and listens as 
               Linda talks to Liane]
 
                                     LINDA
                         Yes, it has just been a delight having 
                         your son over, Mrs. Cartman. He and 
                         Butters are really getting along great.
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                         Oh, I'm so glad to hear it, Mrs. Stotch. 
                         Eric has been having some emotional 
                         problems lately.
 
                                     LINDA
                         Well, the reason I'm calling is that 
                         Butters is supposed to go see his Aunt 
                         Nellie in Los Angeles this weekend. 
                         The boys are getting along so well that 
                         we were thinking of inviting Eric to 
                         go along.
 
                                     LIANE
                         Oh, well, I'm not sure. Actually, Eric 
                         is still supposed to be grounded for 
                         trying to exterminate the Jews two weeks 
                         ago.
 
                                     LINDA
                          Excuse me, I didn't catch that.

                                     LIANE
                         Oh, but I suppose it would be good for 
                         him. Yes, of course he can go. I'll 
                         bring some of clothes over.
 
                                     LINDA
                         Oh, wonderful! The boys will be so excited.
 
                         
               [The kitchen. AWESOM-O rummages around under the sink]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Maybe he put that videotape in here 
                         somewhere.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          AWESOM-O, what are you doing? My friends 
                         are waiting for their beverages. Chop 
                         chop! 
 
                                     LINDA
                         Hey guys, great news! It's been arranged: 
                         you two are both going to Los Angeles 
                         to visit Butters' Aunt Nellie!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Oh boy! My robot gets to come with 
                         me to see Aunt Nellie?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh boy,  AWESOM-O! We're gonna have 
                         the best time ever! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Lame.

               [Los Angeles, day. The Hollywood sign appears in the background]
 
               
               [Aunt Nellie's house]

                                     UNCLE
                         Hey Nellie, guess what I found scrampin' 
                         around the airport. 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Howdy Aunt Nellie! 

                                     AUNT NELLIE
                         There's my little nephew! How was your 
                         flight? 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         It was long. We had a three-hour delay 
                         ...departin' Denver, but we're here!
 
                         
                                     AUNT NELLIE
                         Didn't ya bring any bags?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Well, sure, but my robot is bringin' 
                         them in.
 
                                     AUNT NELLIE
                         Your robot?

                                     UNCLE
                         Butters' new friend is a little strange. 
                         He, he really takes playing Robot seriously. 
                         
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         There he is! AWESOM-O, this is my Aunt 
                         Nellie. 
 
                                     AUNT NELLIE
                         Hello! It's nice to have you here.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         AWESOM-O must dispense oil waste. Where 
                         is the nearest toilet, please?
 
                                     AUNT NELLIE
                         Oh oh, right through there, Mr. Robot.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Thank you. 

                                     UNCLE
                         I don't think he took the costume off 
                         the entire trip.
 
                                     AUNT NELLIE
                         Well, did you wanna get right to sight-seeing, 
                         or are you guys hungry after such a 
                         long flight.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Nah, I ate on the plane. And AWESOM-O 
                         is a robot, so he don't need to eat.
 
                         
                                     AUNT NELLIE
                         Right...

               [Aunt Nellie's restroom. Cartman runs in frantically and takes 
               off the helmet. His hair is matted against his head and he gasps 
               for air. He runs up to the sink and reaches ...for the toothpaste. 
               He squeezes the tube and sucks out the contents hungrily]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          AWESOM-O?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Aw-Aw-AWESOM-O is coming. 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Come on, AWESOM-O! We're gonna go a-sightseein'!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Argh! 

               [Montage. Hollywood Boulevard, facing the Chinese Theater. The 
               Passion is playing there. Butters takes a picture of AWESOM-O 
               next to the cemented hand- and footprints of the stars. Next, 
               he and AWESOM-O ride down a log in an amusement park. Next, he 
               and AWESOM-O are in a plane ride together. Next, AWESOM-O rubs 
               some suntan lotion on Butters' back. Next, he and AWESOM-O take 
               part in a Galaxy Studios Tour ride. A shark pops up and roars 
               menacingly at the riders. Next, Catamount Pictures is shown.]
 
               
                                     BUTTERS
                         I'm hangin' out in LA with my robot 
                         friend
 
               We're havin' such fun in the hot hot sun

               We're two of a kind- That's me!

               And my robot friend.

               My robot friend.

               My robot ...friend.

               [Catamount Pictures. Butters and Cartman walk around. Cartman 
               carries the bags]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Can you believe we're at a real live 
                         movie studio, AWESOM-O? Aren't we havin' 
                         the best time?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Butters, wouldn't you like to have some 
                         time away from AWESOM-O? We could meet 
                         up later, perhaps?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hey, look over there, AWESOM-O. The 
                         film studio commissary.  That's where 
                         all them rich movie producers who come 
                         up with uh, Hollywood blockbusters have 
                         their lunch. Neato, huh? 
 
               [Le Catamount Bistró, Two producers talk.]

                                     PRODUCER
                          Damnit, Mitch. How come our movie studio 
                         can't come up with any winners? I mean, 
                         we're smart, right?
 
                                     MITCH
                          We're really smart.

                                     PRODUCER
                         We need an idea for a movie that's a 
                         home run. A feel-good romp for the whole 
                         family.  Hey, what's that over there? 
                         
 
                                     WOMAN
                         Wow, that's a really neat little robot 
                         you have there, little boy.
 
                                     GIRL
                         What's he do?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Well, he can do anything. Watch this: 
                         Hey, AWESOM-O, who's gonna win the Superbowl 
                         next year?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         The New Orleans Saints. 

                                     BOY
                         Hey, Mr. Robot, how much wood would 
                         a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could 
                         chuck wood?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Seventeen. 

                                     PRODUCER
                         Mitch, are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
 
                         
                                     MITCH
                          Yeah. Maybe that robot can be programmed 
                         to come up with movie ideas! 
 
                                     PRODUCER
                          Exactly! 

               [Catamount Pictures boardroom. The producer introduces Butters 
               and AWESOM-O to his staff]
 
                                     PRODUCER
                         Gentlemen, this little boy was kind 
                         enough to let us show you his robot. 
                         The AWESOM-O 4000.  I've already seen 
                         what he can do.
 
                                     STAFFER 1
                         Uh, excuse me sir, but uh, that's not 
                         a robot.
 
                                     PRODUCER
                         It's not?

                                     STAFFER 1
                         No, it clearly had bipedal movement, 
                         so the correct term is "computerized 
                         automatron."
 
                                     MITCH
                         Oh, very nice, Mitch.

                                     STAFFER 2
                         You are the smart one.

                                     PRODUCER
                         Well, regardless, I believe maybe this 
                         automatron can help us come up with 
                         new movie ideas.
 
                                     STAFFER 2
                         How can a robot come up with better 
                         ideas for movies than us?
 
                                     PRODUCER
                         Watch this: AWESOM-O, given the current 
                         trends of the movie-going public can 
                         you come up with an idea for a movie 
                         that will break a hundred million box 
                         office?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Um... okay. How about this:  Adam Sandler 
                         is like, in love with some girl, but 
                         then it turns out that the girl is actually 
                         a ...golden retriever, or something.
 
                         
                                     STAFFER 2
                          Oh, perfect!

                                     STAFFER 3
                         We'll call it "Puppy Love"!

                                     STAFFER 2
                         Give us another movie idea, AWESOM-O!
 
                         
                                     MITCH
                         Yeah yeah!

                                     STAFFER 3
                         Let's hear it!

                                     MITCH
                         Yeah, we wanna hear it!

                                     STAFFER 3
                         Come on, come on!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, how about this: Adam Sandler... 
                         inherits like, a billion dollars, but 
                         first, he has to, like, become a ...boxer, 
                         or something.
 
                                     STAFFER 3
                          ...Yes, it's flawless!

                                     MITCH
                         Punch-Drunk Billionaire!

               [Aunt Nellie's place, guest room. Butters is at the desk counting 
               up all the movie he and AWESOM-O got for Cartman's ideas and 
               putting one hundred dollar bills one per envelope.]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Boy, Los Angeles is great, huh AWESOM-O? 
                         Can you believe those guys paid us a 
                         hundred dollars apiece for those movie 
                         ideas?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You should split that money with AWESOM-O. 
                         After all, they were AWESOM-O's ideas.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hahaa, right! What are you gonna do 
                         with money, AWESOM-O? Buy some robot 
                         pants? Haha, no! We got each other and 
                         that's all we need, AWESOM-O. I'm gonna 
                         send this money to needy kids in third-world 
                         countries.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Haaaa! Haaaa!

                                     BUTTERS
                          Ye, you okay AWESOM-O?

                                     CARTMAN
                         AWESOM-O needs to rest! Feeling faint.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well you go ahead and relax, AWESOM-O. 
                         We've got another full day of pitching 
                         movies tomorrow.
 
               [Washington DC, the Pentagon.]

               [The Pentagon, a boardroom. A general addresses his peers]

                                     GENERAL
                         Gentlemen, Ladies, we all know that 
                         we live in a time of uncertainty. The 
                         risk of an attack on American soil is 
                         higher than ever. Now, I believe we 
                         may be able to curb that risk. Two days 
                         ago our intelligence department came 
                         across this:  The AWESOM-O 4000. It 
                         is currently being used by Catamount 
                         Pictures to develop ideas for movies. 
                         Our sources say that in just one week 
                         it has come up with over one thousand 
                         movie ideas, eight hundred of which 
                         feature Adam Sandler. 
 
                                     BLACK OFFICIAL
                         That's incredible!

                                     WHITE OFFICIAL
                         You're thinking the robot could be used 
                         to come up with anti-Islamic movies?
 
                         
                                     GENERAL
                         No. If we got our hands on that robot, 
                         we could reprogram it and turn it into 
                         a weapon!.
 
                                     BLACK OFFICIAL
                         Yes, that might be the best thing to 
                         do.
 
                                     WHITE OFFICIAL
                         Uh huh. I don't see how we have a choice.
 
                         
                                     SCIENTIST
                         Hold on a second: If that robot is designed 
                         for entertainment, then, turning it 
                         into a weapon is unethical.
 
                                     GENERAL
                         Unethical? Let me explain something 
                         to you, Mr. Scientist! We understand 
                         that the robot is from Japan! That means 
                         that the Japanese have more of them! 
                         And if the Japanese fabricates one of 
                         them into a weapon before we do...
 
                         
                                     BLACK OFFICIAL
                         Jesus. It would be Pearl Harbor all 
                         over again.
 
                                     WHITE OFFICIAL
                         But worse. With robots.

                                     SCIENTIST
                         I I'm sorry, I must protest. We, we 
                         have no data suggesting the Japanese 
                         have developed a robot with offensive 
                         capability.
 
                                     GENERAL
                         You're paid to think, Mr. Scientist! 
                         National security is our jub.  Gentlemen, 
                         we're going to Los Angeles!  I want 
                         that robot!
 
               [Catamount Pictures lobby. Butters places a call.]

                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeah, me and my robot are still over 
                         at the movie studio, Aunt Nellie. We're 
                         makin' all sorts of money for the poor.
 
                         
               [The boardroom. Cartman is pitching more movie ideas.]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Movie idea number two thousand three 
                         hundred and five: Adam Sandler is trapped 
                         on an island and falls in love with 
                         a coconut.
 
                                     PRODUCER
                         Great, AWESOM-O, great. Uh guys, take 
                         a break. I need a minute alone with 
                         AWESOM-O.  You are an incredible robot, 
                         AWESOM-O. I was just wondering... are 
                         you by chance a ...pleasure model?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         ...What?

                                     PRODUCER
                          Well, have you been programmed to... 
                         satisfy... urges of humans?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         AWESOM-O does not understand.

                                     PRODUCER
                         Let me show you what I mean. 

               [Catamount Pictures lobby]

                                     BUTTERS
                         Well yeah, we're havin' a great time, 
                         Aunt Nellie. These movie studio guys 
                         are real nice.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          LAME!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeah, we're makin' a bunch more money. 
                         I can't believe it either. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         NOT COOL! TOTALLY LAME! 

                                     BUTTERS
                         AWESOM-O? Well, I gotta go, Aunt Nellie. 
                         Ah, AWESOM-O is havin' some kind of 
                         malfunction.  AWESOM-O? Hey, where'd 
                         ya go? 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Waaaaa! 

                                     SOLDIER
                         Let's go! Move, move!

                                     BUTTERS
                          AWESOM-O?  Hey, what are you doin' 
                         with him?!  That's my robot!  AWESOM-OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
 
                         
               [A military base near Los Angeles. In a warehouse, AWESOM-O, 
               shackled onto a platform, is raised from a horizontal position 
               to vertical. Two soldiers approach on either side of Cartman 
               and tighten the locks on him]
 
                                     GENERAL
                         Are those arm and leg locks secure?
 
                         
                                     SOLDIER
                         Secure, sir!

                                     GENERAL
                         Good. I don't want that robot mobile 
                         until I know what it's capable of. All 
                         right, power it on. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa!

                                     SCIENTIST
                          What the hell?

                                     GENERAL
                         What's going on?

                                     SCIENTIST
                          It... powered itself back on.

                                     GENERAL
                          Stand by. Be ready to destroy it. 
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Where the hell am I?! Hey, why can't 
                         I move?!
 
                                     SCIENTIST
                         Are your systems stable? Run a systems 
                         check on your CPU.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         The fuck are you talkin' about, dude?!
 
                         
                                     SCIENTIST
                         Ah, I'm sorry, robot,  they want me 
                         to reprogram you.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm not a robot, dumbass! I'm alive!
 
                         
                                     SCIENTIST
                         What did you say?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I said I'm a real person, asswipe!
 
                         
                                     SCIENTIST
                          ...Oh my God. 

                                     GENERAL
                         What's happening?

                                     SCIENTIST
                         The robot... It thinks it's alive. It's 
                         developed consciousness.
 
                                     GENERAL
                         What? How can that be?

                                     SCIENTIST
                         Must be a malfunction of its exographical 
                         IMS or the... interlaced BV system.
 
                         
                                     GENERAL
                         Speak in a language we can understand, 
                         Mr. Scientist!
 
                                     SCIENTIST
                         Your robot doesn't know it's a robot!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Goddamnit, get me down from here! 
 
                         
                                     GENERAL
                         Who made you, robot?!

                                     CARTMAN
                          I'm not a robot, I'm a human!

                                     WHITE OFFICIAL
                          Jesus, the scientist was right.

                                     GENERAL
                         But, who would have programmed it to 
                         think it was human? The movie studio?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Look, retards! My name is Eric Cartman! 
                         I live with my mom in South Park, Colorado!
 
                         
                                     GENERAL
                          Dear Christ, they gave it memories, 
                         too.
 
                                     SCIENTIST
                         Sure, why not? Program the memories 
                         of some eight-year-old boy who doesn't 
                         exist, and make the robot think he's 
                         real! Makes for a lot better movies! 
                         I'm not reprogramming a robot that's 
                         developed consciousness!
 
                                     GENERAL
                         Do I have to remind you of your position?! 
                         Don't forget you have a duty to your 
                         country,  Mr. Scientist!! I want that 
                         robot's memories and consciousness E-RASED, 
                         so we can take it back to Washington! 
                         GOT IT?! 
 
                                     SCIENTIST
                         Damn you all to hell!..

               [Los Angeles. Butters walks down a sidwalk alone with his head 
               down]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Hey there, did you know I had a robot 
                         friend?
 
               We used to laugh and play, but someone took him away.

               He was my ten gigahertz old pal.

               My robot friend.

                                     BUTTERS
                          Hey, wait a minute.  Why, that's the 
                         van that-  Oh my God!
 
               [The military base, warehouse. The scientist has positioned AWESOM-O 
               so his head can be drilled into, and a huge drill bit begins 
               to descend towards him.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Goddamnit, stop! I'm real! I'm real!
 
                         
                                     SOLDIER
                         It'll all be over soon, robot! 

                                     SCIENTIST
                         Hang on! I'm getting you out of here, 
                         robot!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Aw, it's about freaking time, jackass! 
                         
 
                                     GENERAL
                         What the hell are you doing?!

                                     SCIENTIST
                          Well I, I'm saving a conscious being! 
                         If you wanna kill it, you'll have to 
                         go through me!
 
                                     GENERAL
                         Fine. Kill that son of a bitch!

                                     CARTMAN
                         No! Look, Goddamnit! Now I can show 
                         you stupid assholes who I really am! 
                         
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          AWESOM-O! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         I am the AWESOM-O 4000. 

                                     BUTTERS
                         No!!  No, please!  Don't kill him! He's 
                         my best friend! He's my best friend 
                         in the whole world! 
 
                                     SCIENTSIT
                          There. You see? You want to tell me 
                         this isn't humanity? Who's to judge 
                         what makes somethng human anyway?!  
                         Does this make me human?!  Or this?! 
                          Or these?! 
 
                                     GENERAL
                          Perhaps... there is consciousness in 
                         this robot. Maybe we as a society need 
                         to realize that artificial intelligence... 
                         is intelligence all the same, and we 
                         can learn from the robots. I think maybe 
                         one day we can all-  Heh- wait a minute, 
                         did, did that robot just fart?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hey, robots don't fart!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh... now ending fart sequence.

                                     GENERAL
                         Oh, and it, it smells, too!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Smell sequence initiated.

                                     BLACK OFFICIAL
                         A robot with smelly farts? That doesn't 
                         make any sense.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hang on a second here! 

               [A room somewhere. A portable screen is put up and the videotape 
               of Cartman acting strange in his backyard is being shown. The 
               sound of laughing kids is heard. On the tape, Cartman is dancing 
               around like Britney Spears]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         

               Would you like to touch my body?

               Come on and touch my body!

               Oooo, my hot body!

               Don't you like my hot body?

               Come on and touch my titties!

               I felt them just like ???

               Come on Justin, touch my body! [begins dancing with a life-size 
               cutout of Justin Timberlake]
 
               Mmm, Justin, yeah!

               Touch my body! You and me!

               Check it out, my not-hot body!

               Come on, my body!

                                     GENERAL
                         Wow, kid, you're a little faggot! 
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Lame...

               THE END

AWESOM-O



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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