[Butters' house, day. Butters is in the living room eating some
soup. The doorbell rings. Butters stops and looks at the door.
He rises and opens it, and sees a large wooden crate waiting
on the porch]
What the heck? Whoa! What a huge package!
"To Butters Stotch." Oh boy! It's
for me! It's for me!! Who is it from?
"Sent from: Japan. Konichi-wa." Wow!
A package for me from Japan!! Wow,
what can it be? My birthday isn't until
September 11th. Oh boy! I've never
gotten a package this big! I've always
wanted to have a huge package.
Greetings. I am the AWESOM-O 4000.
I have been sent from Japan to serve
as your personal robot.
You... you're my robot?
Yes. I will be your new best friend.
[Moments later, Butters has Cartman sitting on his bed. Butters
goes to his desk and makes a few calls.]
Yep. That's right. He's a real live
robot. He can walk and talk and everything.
You're like the fourth kid I told already.
Well I gotta go Dougie. My robot and
I have stuff to do. Heheh, they're
all so jealous! I'm so glad you came
into my life, AWESOM-O. You're the best
friend a guy could have.
Yes. You can trust AWESOM-O. In face,
you should tell AWESOM-O all your most
personal secrets. AWESOM-O will not
make fun of you or tell your secrets
to other people and stuff.
Hey yeah! Well I can tell you anything,
huh? Well lessee... Well, for one,
I have what's called a heziated colon,
which means I sometime can't control
Well, nobody knows it, but sometimes
I poop my pants, so I have to wear a
diaper to school. You okay, AWESOM-O?
Yes. AWESOM-O is fine. Please go on.
Well, I have to take medicine for it
every day. It's a little suppository
I have to ...put up my rectom.
That, that's very interesting. Tell
AWESOM-O more secrets.
Hm, okay. Let's see Oh, my parents
don't know, but sometimes I get picked
on by this one kid at school; his name
is Eric Cartman, and he always tries
to play jokes on me and stuff.
Yeah. One time he made me think a meteor
had hit the earth, and convinced me
to stay down in a bomb shelter for three
Heh. Wow, that sucks.
Yeah. And then this other time, he pretended
to be me on the phone to my dad and
called him a pussy, so my dad came home
and beat me.
Wow. Sounds like this Cartman kid is
No, he's not smart! He's just an asshole.
And he's never gonna play on me ever
Really? You think so? Well, guess what,
Butters. I have a surprise for you.
Yeah, and he's never gonna get me again!
'Cause what Cartman doesn't know is
that I know one of his secrets!
When Cartman is playing all alone in
his backyard, he likes to dress up like
Britney Spears and pretend he's her!
Hi sings and dances around with a life-sized
cutout of Justin Timberlake.
You saw that?
Yeah! And I videotaped him doing it!
I've got the whole thing on tape! Even
him making out with the Justin Timberlake
Yeah! And if Cartman ever messes with
me again, I'm gonna show that video
to everybody! Then I'll lhave my revenge,
...Um, where is this videotape, Butters?
Huh? Oh, I dunno. It's around here somewhere.
Hey! So what do you wanna do now, AWESOM-O?
Uh, Butters, maybe you should give AWESOM-O
Well, because... AWESOM-O can, like,
back it up for you, and make copies
and stuff. I am AWESOM-O.
Oh, that's all right, AWESOM-O. Come
on! I have a lot of things to teach
Oh, son of a bitch!
[Montage. Butters tosses a basketball with Cartman on the front
lawn. Cartman, as AWESOM-O, can't catch it]
Hey there have you heard about my robot
[they're walking along in a meadow. Butters is telling him a
He's metal and small and doesn't judge me at all.
He's a cyberwired bundle of joy.
[Butters has AWESOM-O take shots at a basketball hoop. The shot
is good and Butters is pleased]
My robot friend.
[Stan, Kyle and Kenny observe nearby from behind a bush. They're
dismayed at what they see. Stan grabs his nose and squeezes his
eyes shut, then walks off. Kyle and Kenny follow]
I like to dip and daddle with my robot friend.
[jumps in a puddle, then has AWESOM-O do the same. Butters giggles]
He's smart as can be and emotion-free
[washes dishes while AWESOM-O dries them, then they go see "The
Prince and Me." They exit, with Butters skipping beside AWESOM-O.
Butters loved the movie]
And he's computin' his way to my heart.
My robot friend.
[At a restaurant two burgers reach Butters' table. He gets one,
he motions to the waiter that AWESOM-O gets the other one. The
waiter looks confused, then walks away with the other burger]
My robot friend.
[Butters has AWESOM-O pull him along in a red wagon]
My robot friend.
[they walk into a sunset together]
My robot ...friend.
[the scene ends]
[Butters' hosue, living room. His dad reads the newspaper, his
mom arrives with coffee and cookies and sets them down on the
Ohhh, that's so cute. Did you see Butters
and his friend Eric playing Robot.
Yes. Those boys are quite imaginative.
Leave it to them to find a fun way to
do the dishes.
That's great AWESOM-O! You can carry
all my laundry in one trip!
Ah, Buttters, it's getting late. You
should be getting ready for bed soon.
Okay Mom. Well, come on, AWESOM-O. Bedtime.
Oh, is your little robot friend staying
Well of course he is. He's my robot,
That's okay with your mom, Mr. Robot?
AWESOM-O does not have a mom.
Yup! Don't you know nothin' about robot?
Come on, AWESOM-O! You can put my laundry
Aww, that's just adorable.
It's good to see Butters finally have
a friend that wants to stay over.
[The Stotch bathroom. Butters is brushing his teeth, AWESOM-O
stands next to him]
I like to brush my teeth in the morning
and at night. The teeth won't mind ..
Grrr. Jesus Christ I can't go on like
this. Butters, remember when you said
you had a video of Eric Cartman dressed
like Britney Spears?
I would like to see what he looks like
so I can beat him up for you. May I
see the video?
Awww, you don't need to do that, AWESOM-O.
Hey, I gotta put in my suppository.
Can you help me?
Remember I said I put that medicinal
suppository in my anus? It'll be so
much easier havin' you do it from now
Um. Actually, AWESOM-O was not programmed
for that function.
Haw, it's real easy. I'll show you.
You just take this little thingy out
of the plastic... paper, and and I'll,
I'll pull down my pants ...and just
slide it up in my anus there.
AWESOM-O, I though you were programmed
to do whatever I tell you.
Yeyeah, that, that's pretty good. Get
it up there good and deep.
[Butters' house, moments later. The bedroom light remains on]
All right AWESOM-O, time for us to get
some sleep. Hey, you want me to teach
you some bedtime songs? If you leave
me now, you'll take away the biggest
part of me. Ooo-oo-oooo-oo-oo...
AWESOM-O must rest! His CPU system overloading.
Oh, o-o-all right AWESOM-O. Let's get
us some shut-eye, or what, or whatever
[Morning. A cock crows. Butters wakes up, but AWESOM-O isn't
in bed with him. He looks around and sees his room is a mess.
His drawers are out of the dressers and his clothes are strewn
all over the place. One of his clothing rods has been knocked
down and his closet doors are open. AWESOM-O is shown at Butters'
desk looking through more stuff.]
Where is it? Where is it??
AWESOM-O, what the Sam Heck are you
Um, ah AWESOM-O is reorganizing your
stuff for you.
Aw Jeez Jeez Louise! My mom is gonna
be awful sore when she sees this mess!
Now AWESOM-O, that is a bad robot! You
can't do no chores for me unless I tell
you to do them! You got it?!
Now I'm gonna have to give ya a spankin',
AWESOM-O, so that you'll learn better!
Just know, AWESOM-O, that I did it
because I love you. Okay, come on, let's
go make some breakfast.
Goddamnit, I have to find that videotape!
[Butters' house, downstairs. Butters is drawing a picture at
the coffee table]
Look at that, AWESOM-O! I drew a picture
of us playing in a field together.
Ah I'll be right back. I'm gonna get
some Sunny Delight.
I would like some Sunny Delight too.
Don't be silly, AWESOM-O. Robots don't
need to drink nothin'. Uheehee. Whoa.
Uh go answer the door, AWESOM-O.
AWESOM-O will answers the door.
What the hell are you doing, fatass?
Dude, are you still pretending to be
Shh! I just need to uh make Butters
think I'm a robot for a little while
Because I need to, all right?! I've
got something planned that's uh gonna
be really sweet. Just play along, okay?
Kyle, Goddamnit, will you just do-?
Who's at the door, AWESOM-O?
Three boys named Stan, Kyle, and Kenny.
Ah, hey fellas! Ah I see you met my
Uh yeah, Butters, he's real cool.
Hey he sure is! We do everything together.
Why last night we even had a slumber
He can do anything I command him to.
He's real smart. Watch this: hey AWESOM-O,
will you go get my friends some Sunny
Yes, of course.
Oh wait. Hey AWESOM-O, I'd also like
some celery sticks chopped up two inches
long, with peanut butter and raisins
Suck mah balls, Kyle.
He's made in Japan!
[The dining room. Chris holds a cup of coffee and listens as
Linda talks to Liane]
Yes, it has just been a delight having
your son over, Mrs. Cartman. He and
Butters are really getting along great.
Oh, I'm so glad to hear it, Mrs. Stotch.
Eric has been having some emotional
Well, the reason I'm calling is that
Butters is supposed to go see his Aunt
Nellie in Los Angeles this weekend.
The boys are getting along so well that
we were thinking of inviting Eric to
Oh, well, I'm not sure. Actually, Eric
is still supposed to be grounded for
trying to exterminate the Jews two weeks
Excuse me, I didn't catch that.
Oh, but I suppose it would be good for
him. Yes, of course he can go. I'll
bring some of clothes over.
Oh, wonderful! The boys will be so excited.
[The kitchen. AWESOM-O rummages around under the sink]
Maybe he put that videotape in here
AWESOM-O, what are you doing? My friends
are waiting for their beverages. Chop
Hey guys, great news! It's been arranged:
you two are both going to Los Angeles
to visit Butters' Aunt Nellie!
Oh boy! My robot gets to come with
me to see Aunt Nellie?!
Oh boy, AWESOM-O! We're gonna have
the best time ever!
[Los Angeles, day. The Hollywood sign appears in the background]
[Aunt Nellie's house]
Hey Nellie, guess what I found scrampin'
around the airport.
Howdy Aunt Nellie!
There's my little nephew! How was your
It was long. We had a three-hour delay
...departin' Denver, but we're here!
Didn't ya bring any bags?
Well, sure, but my robot is bringin'
Butters' new friend is a little strange.
He, he really takes playing Robot seriously.
There he is! AWESOM-O, this is my Aunt
Hello! It's nice to have you here.
AWESOM-O must dispense oil waste. Where
is the nearest toilet, please?
Oh oh, right through there, Mr. Robot.
I don't think he took the costume off
the entire trip.
Well, did you wanna get right to sight-seeing,
or are you guys hungry after such a
Nah, I ate on the plane. And AWESOM-O
is a robot, so he don't need to eat.
[Aunt Nellie's restroom. Cartman runs in frantically and takes
off the helmet. His hair is matted against his head and he gasps
for air. He runs up to the sink and reaches ...for the toothpaste.
He squeezes the tube and sucks out the contents hungrily]
Aw-Aw-AWESOM-O is coming.
Come on, AWESOM-O! We're gonna go a-sightseein'!
[Montage. Hollywood Boulevard, facing the Chinese Theater. The
Passion is playing there. Butters takes a picture of AWESOM-O
next to the cemented hand- and footprints of the stars. Next,
he and AWESOM-O ride down a log in an amusement park. Next, he
and AWESOM-O are in a plane ride together. Next, AWESOM-O rubs
some suntan lotion on Butters' back. Next, he and AWESOM-O take
part in a Galaxy Studios Tour ride. A shark pops up and roars
menacingly at the riders. Next, Catamount Pictures is shown.]
I'm hangin' out in LA with my robot
We're havin' such fun in the hot hot sun
We're two of a kind- That's me!
And my robot friend.
My robot friend.
My robot ...friend.
[Catamount Pictures. Butters and Cartman walk around. Cartman
carries the bags]
Can you believe we're at a real live
movie studio, AWESOM-O? Aren't we havin'
the best time?
Butters, wouldn't you like to have some
time away from AWESOM-O? We could meet
up later, perhaps?
Hey, look over there, AWESOM-O. The
film studio commissary. That's where
all them rich movie producers who come
up with uh, Hollywood blockbusters have
their lunch. Neato, huh?
[Le Catamount Bistró, Two producers talk.]
Damnit, Mitch. How come our movie studio
can't come up with any winners? I mean,
we're smart, right?
We're really smart.
We need an idea for a movie that's a
home run. A feel-good romp for the whole
family. Hey, what's that over there?
Wow, that's a really neat little robot
you have there, little boy.
What's he do?
Well, he can do anything. Watch this:
Hey, AWESOM-O, who's gonna win the Superbowl
The New Orleans Saints.
Hey, Mr. Robot, how much wood would
a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could
Mitch, are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
Yeah. Maybe that robot can be programmed
to come up with movie ideas!
[Catamount Pictures boardroom. The producer introduces Butters
and AWESOM-O to his staff]
Gentlemen, this little boy was kind
enough to let us show you his robot.
The AWESOM-O 4000. I've already seen
what he can do.
Uh, excuse me sir, but uh, that's not
No, it clearly had bipedal movement,
so the correct term is "computerized
Oh, very nice, Mitch.
You are the smart one.
Well, regardless, I believe maybe this
automatron can help us come up with
new movie ideas.
How can a robot come up with better
ideas for movies than us?
Watch this: AWESOM-O, given the current
trends of the movie-going public can
you come up with an idea for a movie
that will break a hundred million box
Um... okay. How about this: Adam Sandler
is like, in love with some girl, but
then it turns out that the girl is actually
a ...golden retriever, or something.
We'll call it "Puppy Love"!
Give us another movie idea, AWESOM-O!
Let's hear it!
Yeah, we wanna hear it!
Come on, come on!
Okay, how about this: Adam Sandler...
inherits like, a billion dollars, but
first, he has to, like, become a ...boxer,
...Yes, it's flawless!
[Aunt Nellie's place, guest room. Butters is at the desk counting
up all the movie he and AWESOM-O got for Cartman's ideas and
putting one hundred dollar bills one per envelope.]
Boy, Los Angeles is great, huh AWESOM-O?
Can you believe those guys paid us a
hundred dollars apiece for those movie
You should split that money with AWESOM-O.
After all, they were AWESOM-O's ideas.
Hahaa, right! What are you gonna do
with money, AWESOM-O? Buy some robot
pants? Haha, no! We got each other and
that's all we need, AWESOM-O. I'm gonna
send this money to needy kids in third-world
Ye, you okay AWESOM-O?
AWESOM-O needs to rest! Feeling faint.
Well you go ahead and relax, AWESOM-O.
We've got another full day of pitching
[Washington DC, the Pentagon.]
[The Pentagon, a boardroom. A general addresses his peers]
Gentlemen, Ladies, we all know that
we live in a time of uncertainty. The
risk of an attack on American soil is
higher than ever. Now, I believe we
may be able to curb that risk. Two days
ago our intelligence department came
across this: The AWESOM-O 4000. It
is currently being used by Catamount
Pictures to develop ideas for movies.
Our sources say that in just one week
it has come up with over one thousand
movie ideas, eight hundred of which
feature Adam Sandler.
You're thinking the robot could be used
to come up with anti-Islamic movies?
No. If we got our hands on that robot,
we could reprogram it and turn it into
Yes, that might be the best thing to
Uh huh. I don't see how we have a choice.
Hold on a second: If that robot is designed
for entertainment, then, turning it
into a weapon is unethical.
Unethical? Let me explain something
to you, Mr. Scientist! We understand
that the robot is from Japan! That means
that the Japanese have more of them!
And if the Japanese fabricates one of
them into a weapon before we do...
Jesus. It would be Pearl Harbor all
But worse. With robots.
I I'm sorry, I must protest. We, we
have no data suggesting the Japanese
have developed a robot with offensive
You're paid to think, Mr. Scientist!
National security is our jub. Gentlemen,
we're going to Los Angeles! I want
[Catamount Pictures lobby. Butters places a call.]
Yeah, me and my robot are still over
at the movie studio, Aunt Nellie. We're
makin' all sorts of money for the poor.
[The boardroom. Cartman is pitching more movie ideas.]
Movie idea number two thousand three
hundred and five: Adam Sandler is trapped
on an island and falls in love with
Great, AWESOM-O, great. Uh guys, take
a break. I need a minute alone with
AWESOM-O. You are an incredible robot,
AWESOM-O. I was just wondering... are
you by chance a ...pleasure model?
Well, have you been programmed to...
satisfy... urges of humans?
AWESOM-O does not understand.
Let me show you what I mean.
[Catamount Pictures lobby]
Well yeah, we're havin' a great time,
Aunt Nellie. These movie studio guys
are real nice.
Yeah, we're makin' a bunch more money.
I can't believe it either.
NOT COOL! TOTALLY LAME!
AWESOM-O? Well, I gotta go, Aunt Nellie.
Ah, AWESOM-O is havin' some kind of
malfunction. AWESOM-O? Hey, where'd
Let's go! Move, move!
AWESOM-O? Hey, what are you doin'
with him?! That's my robot! AWESOM-OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
[A military base near Los Angeles. In a warehouse, AWESOM-O,
shackled onto a platform, is raised from a horizontal position
to vertical. Two soldiers approach on either side of Cartman
and tighten the locks on him]
Are those arm and leg locks secure?
Good. I don't want that robot mobile
until I know what it's capable of. All
right, power it on.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa!
What the hell?
What's going on?
It... powered itself back on.
Stand by. Be ready to destroy it.
Where the hell am I?! Hey, why can't
Are your systems stable? Run a systems
check on your CPU.
The fuck are you talkin' about, dude?!
Ah, I'm sorry, robot, they want me
to reprogram you.
I'm not a robot, dumbass! I'm alive!
What did you say?
I said I'm a real person, asswipe!
...Oh my God.
The robot... It thinks it's alive. It's
What? How can that be?
Must be a malfunction of its exographical
IMS or the... interlaced BV system.
Speak in a language we can understand,
Your robot doesn't know it's a robot!
Goddamnit, get me down from here!
Who made you, robot?!
I'm not a robot, I'm a human!
Jesus, the scientist was right.
But, who would have programmed it to
think it was human? The movie studio?
Look, retards! My name is Eric Cartman!
I live with my mom in South Park, Colorado!
Dear Christ, they gave it memories,
Sure, why not? Program the memories
of some eight-year-old boy who doesn't
exist, and make the robot think he's
real! Makes for a lot better movies!
I'm not reprogramming a robot that's
Do I have to remind you of your position?!
Don't forget you have a duty to your
country, Mr. Scientist!! I want that
robot's memories and consciousness E-RASED,
so we can take it back to Washington!
Damn you all to hell!..
[Los Angeles. Butters walks down a sidwalk alone with his head
Hey there, did you know I had a robot
We used to laugh and play, but someone took him away.
He was my ten gigahertz old pal.
My robot friend.
Hey, wait a minute. Why, that's the
van that- Oh my God!
[The military base, warehouse. The scientist has positioned AWESOM-O
so his head can be drilled into, and a huge drill bit begins
to descend towards him.]
Goddamnit, stop! I'm real! I'm real!
It'll all be over soon, robot!
Hang on! I'm getting you out of here,
Aw, it's about freaking time, jackass!
What the hell are you doing?!
Well I, I'm saving a conscious being!
If you wanna kill it, you'll have to
go through me!
Fine. Kill that son of a bitch!
No! Look, Goddamnit! Now I can show
you stupid assholes who I really am!
I am the AWESOM-O 4000.
No!! No, please! Don't kill him! He's
my best friend! He's my best friend
in the whole world!
There. You see? You want to tell me
this isn't humanity? Who's to judge
what makes somethng human anyway?!
Does this make me human?! Or this?!
Perhaps... there is consciousness in
this robot. Maybe we as a society need
to realize that artificial intelligence...
is intelligence all the same, and we
can learn from the robots. I think maybe
one day we can all- Heh- wait a minute,
did, did that robot just fart?
Hey, robots don't fart!
Uh... now ending fart sequence.
Oh, and it, it smells, too!
Smell sequence initiated.
A robot with smelly farts? That doesn't
make any sense.
Hang on a second here!
[A room somewhere. A portable screen is put up and the videotape
of Cartman acting strange in his backyard is being shown. The
sound of laughing kids is heard. On the tape, Cartman is dancing
around like Britney Spears]
Would you like to touch my body?
Come on and touch my body!
Oooo, my hot body!
Don't you like my hot body?
Come on and touch my titties!
I felt them just like ???
Come on Justin, touch my body! [begins dancing with a life-size
cutout of Justin Timberlake]
Mmm, Justin, yeah!
Touch my body! You and me!
Check it out, my not-hot body!
Come on, my body!
Wow, kid, you're a little faggot!