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ALL SCRIPTS





                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                     Episode 712


                               "ALL ABOUT THE MORMONS"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [South Park Elementary, day. In Mr. Garrison's classroom the 
               kids enter and go for their desks]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay, children, let's take our seats. 
                          We have a new student joining us today 
                         who has just moved here from Utah. I 
                         want you all to say hi to Gary. 
 
                                     GARY
                         Hello everybody. It's relly great to 
                         meet you all.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Gary was state champion in wrestling 
                         AND in tennis.  He also maintained a 
                         4.0 grade point average at his old school 
                         AND has been on two national commercials 
                         for toothpaste.
 
                                     GARY
                         I'm really excited to live in this town 
                         and share all kinds of great experiences 
                         with you, my new friends!
 
                                     KYLE
                          Oh, dude, what a little asshole!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, screw that kid!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         All right, Gary, why don't you take 
                         that empty seat and we'll get started 
                         with the lesson? 
 
                                     GARY
                          Hey. My name's Gary.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Hi. My name's Eura. Eura Fag.

                                     GARY
                          That's funny. You're cool, man.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay now, who can tell me what year 
                         the first astronauts landed on the moon? 
                         
 
                                     GARY
                          Oh! Oh oh oh! Nineteen sixty nine!
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Very good, Gary. Wow, looks like I don't 
                         have a class full of retards anymore, 
                         doesn't it, children? 
 
               [The playground. Gary is kicking a soccer ball around. The other 
               fourth grade boys approach and look. Shown are Craig, Butters, 
               Kyle, Clyde, Stan, Cartman, Token, Kevin, and another boy]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, that new kid is such a douche!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah. Somebody need sto put him in him 
                         place!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         He's a peckerface, that's what he is!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Go kick his ass, Stan.

                                     CLYDE
                         Yeah, go kick his ass.

                                     STAN
                         Wull, maybe he won't fight.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Will he bleed? That's all we care about.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Come on, dude, somebody needs to wipe 
                         that fuckin' smirk off his face!
 
                                     CRAIG
                         Yeah, little bitch!

                                     STAN
                         All right, I'm gonna go kick his ass. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah! Go Stan! Go Stan!  All right, 
                         I've got five bucks on the other kid. 
                         Who wants in?
 
                                     GARY
                          Oh hey there! You wanna kick the ball 
                         around with me?
 
                                     STAN
                         No. I'm... I'm gonna kick your ass.
 
                         
                                     GARY
                         'Scuse me?

                                     STAN
                         I'm gonna kick your ass...  bitch.
 
                         
                                     GARY
                         How come you wanna fight me? ...Oh, 
                         I get it. I'm the new kid.  Yeah, I 
                         guess maybe I deserve it.
 
                                     STAN
                          Huh?

                                     GARY
                         It's really tough being in a totally 
                         new place, but I think all you guys 
                         are really cool so... I understand if 
                         there's initiation rites.
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, stop it.

                                     BUTTERS
                          Let him have it, Stan!

                                     STAN
                         Shut up, Butters!

                                     GARY
                         The other kids are watching. Look, do 
                         what you gotta do. I won't fight back. 
                         I just hope that maybe afterwards we 
                         can... try to be friends someday.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          What are they doing?

                                     CARTMAN
                         They're just standing there, talking. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         What happened? 

                                     STAN
                         I'm...  going over to his house for 
                         dinenr tonight.
 
                                     TOKEN
                         What?! How did that happen?

                                     STAN
                          He's a really nice kid.

                                     CARTMAN
                         You were supposed to kick his ass, not 
                         lick his butthole!
 
                                     KYLE
                         You're having dinenr with his family? 
                         What kind of family has a kid like that?
 
                         
               [Gary's house. His family is enjoying itself at the dinner table, 
               playing a board game, "LIVING", and laughing]
 
                                     DAD
                         Okay, my turn.  Ooo, five!  One two 
                         three four five. Uh, awww, lost yor 
                         mortgage, pay ten thousand dollars! 
                         Oh no! 
 
                                     MOM
                         Hey, it's Gary!

                                     OLDER SISTER
                         Gary!

                                     OLDER BROTHER
                         Great to see you!

                                     MOM
                         How are you?

                                     GARY
                         Hey everybody! This is my new friend 
                         Stan. Stan, this is my mom and dad.
 
                         
                                     DAD
                         Hi Stan!

                                     MOM
                         It's so nice to meet you.

                                     GARY
                          And this is my brother Mark.

                                     MARK
                         Hi!

                                     GARY
                          My sister Jenny.

                                     JENNY
                         Hey!

                                     GARY
                         My little brother Dave.

                                     DAVE
                         Hi!

                                     GARY
                         And my baby sister Amanda.

                                     AMANDA
                          Hello Stan!

                                     DAD
                         Well, it's great you could join us for 
                         Family Home Evening, Stan!
 
                                     STAN
                         What's that?

                                     GARY
                         That's when we don't allow any TV and 
                         just entertain each other with music 
                         and stories. Doesn't your family ever 
                         do that?
 
                                     STAN
                         No.

                                     DAD
                         Hey kids! Why don't you grab your instruments 
                         and play a song for Stan!
 
                                     JENNY
                         Oh yeah!

                                     MARK
                         All right! Let's play! 

                                     GARY
                         Yeah yeah, yeah, I love my family!
 
                         
               My family is the best!

               If we ever have to face a challenge.

                                     THE KIDS
                         My family!

                                     GARY
                         can pass the test. 

                                     DAD
                         Oh boy! Who is the best Mom in the world?? 
                         
 
                                     MARK
                         All right! Go Dave!

                                     GARY
                         Yeah!

                                     JENNY, MARK
                         Woohoo! 

                                     MARK
                         Where be your gibes now? Your gambols? 
                         Your songs? 
 
                                     THE FAMILY
                         Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! 

                                     MARK
                         That's a great story, Sarah.

                                     DAD
                         All right, kids, now how about we do 
                         some Scripture readings! From the Book 
                         of Mormon!
 
                                     MARK
                         All right!

                                     KIDS
                         Yeah!

                                     MARK
                         Woohoo! OOWW!

                                     STAN
                         The... Book of Mormon? What's that?
 
                         
                                     GARY
                         You know... the book that Joseph Smith 
                         found.
 
                                     STAN
                         Who's Joseph Smith? 

                                     MARK
                         Only the most important person in the 
                         world.
 
                                     JENNY
                         You've never heard of him?

                                     STAN
                         No!

                                     GARY
                         Tell us the story of Joseph Smith, Dad.
 
                         
                                     THE OTHER KIDS
                         Oh yes, tell us Dad. Yeah Dad. All right.
 
                         
                                     DAD
                         All right, you rascals. Gather round. 
                          Joseph Smith lived in a little American 
                         town in the early 1800s.
 
               [A little American town in the early 1800s. A man rides by in 
               a small carriage pulled by one horse. In the distance, Joseph 
               Smith strolls into town]
 
                                     SINGERS
                         Joseph Smith was called a prophet

               Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

               He started the Mormon religion

               Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

                                     BLACKSMITH
                         There goes that kooky Joseph Smith
 
                         
                                     CUSTOMER
                         You know, he claims he spoke with God 
                         and Jesus.
 
                                     WOMAN
                         Well, how do you know he didn't?

                                     SINGERS
                         Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

               Joseph Smith was called a prophet-

                                     BUTLER
                         Hey, Joseph! I told my wife that you 
                         spoke with God and Jesus, and she didn't 
                         believe it.
 
                                     SMITH
                         Well it's true. I did.

                                     WIFE
                         Where?

                                     SMITH
                         I was out in the woods, praying  I was 
                         asking God if I should be a Protestant, 
                         or a Catholic, or what? And suddenly 
                         God and Jesus appeared before me.  And 
                         they said I should start my own church, 
                         because none of the others had it right. 
                          And that's exactly how it happened.
 
                         
                                     BUTLER
                         You see? You believe it now?

                                     WIFE
                         Well yeah, sure. Why would he make that 
                         up?
 
                                     SINGERS
                         Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

               Many people believed Joseph

               Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

               And that night he-ee saw an angel

               Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

                                     SMITH
                          And please bless Mother and Father, 
                         and please keep our bellies full of 
                         yum-yums and luscious goodies.  AAAHH! 
                          Oh my gosh!
 
                                     ANGEL
                         I am Moroni. I am a Native American.
 
                         
                                     SMITH
                         A...  Native American?  But your skin 
                         is white.
 
                                     MORONI
                         Yes. Long ago all Native American were 
                         white. We all came to America from Jerusalem. 
                         And while we were here we were visited 
                         by Christ.
 
                                     SMITH
                          Jesus live here in America?

                                     MORONI
                         Yes. Eventually, my people were all 
                         killed by the other tribe of Israel, 
                         and as punishment, God turned their 
                         skin red. These are the Native Americans 
                         you know today. 
 
                                     SINGERS
                         Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

                                     MORONI
                         There is an ancient book buried near 
                         here, written on gold plates that account 
                         my people's lives. Also buried with 
                         the book are two seer stones, the Urim 
                         and Thummim, which will allow you to 
                         translate the writings. Find it, and 
                         fulfill your destiny. 
 
                                     SMITH
                         Wooww... 

                                     SINGERS
                         Joseph Smith was called a prophet

               Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

               [back to the present]

                                     DAD
                         And we all know what happened then, 
                         don't we?
 
                                     KIDS
                         Yeah! I know!

                                     STAN
                         What happened then? 

                                     MOM
                         Ooo, the Rice Crispy squares are done!
 
                         
                                     KIDS
                         Rice Crispy squares! Yay! All right! 
                         Rice Crispy squares!
 
                                     DAD
                         Hey gang, let's wrap some more of them 
                         up in plastic wrap and hand them out 
                         to the poor!
 
                                     GARY
                         Awesome! I can't wait!

                                     JENNY
                         Yeah! 

                                     GARY
                         You coming, Stan?

                                     STAN
                         No, I was supposed to be home at eight.
 
                         
                                     DAD
                         Awww, that's too bad. Well, it was really 
                         nice meeting you, Stan. 
 
                                     MARK, JENNY
                         Bye Stan!

                                     MOM
                         Great to meet you!

                                     GARY
                         Bye!

               [Stan's house, night. What a contrast. Randy watches TV on the 
               couch with beer in hand, Shelley watches it on the floor, Sharon 
               watches it from the dining table solving crossword puzzles. Stan 
               enters upon this desolate scene]
 
                                     STAN
                         ...Hello?

                                     SHARON
                         Oh, hi Stan.

                                     STAN
                          Hey Dad, how come you never told me 
                         about Joseph Smith?
 
                                     RANDY
                         Who?

                                     SHELLEY
                         Shut up, turd! We're watching Friends!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         The guy who spoke to God and Jesus.
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         Well, Stan, God and Jesus don't actually 
                         speak to people.
 
                                     STAN
                         That's not what the Harrisons said.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Who are the Harrisons?

                                     STAN
                         The new people that moved in down the 
                         street. Mr. Harrison said that Joseph 
                         Smith spoke to God and Jesus and they 
                         told him none of the religions were 
                         right.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Oh, did he now?! What are they, religious 
                         kooks?!
 
                                     STAN
                         They're not kooks, they're cool. I mean, 
                         how come we never have a night where 
                         we don't watch any TV and we just... 
                         do stuff together and eat and drink?
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         We have that, Stan. It's called Friday 
                         Night Kegger.
 
                                     STAN
                         But that's just you and your friends.
 
                         
                                     SHELLEY
                         I said shut up, turd!

                                     STAN
                         Mr. Harrison said that I should be followng 
                         Heavenly Father's plan, and I don't 
                         even know what that is.
 
                                     RANDY
                          All right, that does it!

                                     SHARON
                         Where are you going?

                                     RANDY
                         I'm gonna go have a talk with this "Mr. 
                         Harrison."  If he thinks he can fill 
                         my son's head with wacko religious crap, 
                         he's wrong! 
 
                                     SHARON
                         Randy, don't cause trouble.

                                     RANDY
                         Let me handle this, Sharon. You gotta 
                         put these cult people in their place 
                         or else they never stop! I'm gonna go 
                         kick this Mr. Garrison's ass!  This, 
                         Mr. Garrison is, is a white guy, right?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah.

                                     RANDY
                          Jyeah, I'm gonna go kick his ass! 
 
                         
               [The neighborhood, night. Randy walks down the street.]

                                     RANDY
                         God-damned religious kooks! Tell my 
                         son what to believe, will you?! We'll 
                         see how you like my fist in your ass! 
                         
 
                                     MR. HARRISON
                         Hello!

                                     RANDY
                         Yeah, are you Mr. Harrison?

                                     MR. HARRISON
                         I sure am.  The, the name's Gary.

                                     RANDY
                         Well, look, my kid was just over at 
                         your house and he a-
 
                                     GARY SR.
                         Oh, you're Stan's dad! It's so nice 
                         to finally meet you! Karen! Mr. Marsh 
                         is here!
 
                                     RANDY
                         Uh, look, I just want to tell you that
 
                         
                                     KAREN
                          Oh, Mr. Marsh! What a treat! It's so 
                         nice to meet you!
 
                                     RANDY
                         Well, thanks. Uh...

                                     GARY SR
                         Karen just finished baking the most 
                         amazing Rice Crispy squares.
 
                                     KAREN
                         With chocolate frosting

                                     GARY SR
                         Come on out of the cold. You've gotta 
                         try one. Or six. 
 
               [The coffee table in the living room.]

                                     GARY SR.
                         I cannot tell you how wonderful it is 
                         to have you over.
 
                                     KAREN
                          I hear you're a geologist. That is 
                         so amazing.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Look, uh, I actually came over because 
                         I'm a little concerned about some of 
                         the things you told my son.
 
                                     GARY SR., KAREN
                         Uh huh?

                                     RANDY
                         You know. About... God, and stuff.
 
                         
                                     GARY SR.
                         Oooh... Oh boy... you think we were 
                         trying to convert him.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Well, I-

                                     GARY SR.
                         Oh, Mr. Marsh, I am sooo sorry.

                                     KAREN
                         We just moved here from Utah and we're 
                         so used to everyone being Mormon that 
                         we... Oh, we forget not everyuone wants 
                         to hear about it. Oh boy, you must be 
                         furious!
 
                                     RANDY
                         Well, no, no, I just-

                                     GARY SR.
                         You just heard your son talking about 
                         religious ideals that aren't your own 
                         and you said "Who the heck do these 
                         people think they are?!" I I'm really, 
                         truly sorry, Mr. Marsh. It won't happen 
                         again.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Y-you can call me... Randy.

                                     KAREN
                         Randy, the last thing we want is for 
                         people to think we're pushing our religion. 
                         We know there are a lot of beliefs out 
                         there and ours just works for us.
 
                         
                                     GARY SR.
                         To each his own, right?

                                     RANDY
                         Yeah. Yeah! You know, to be honist, 
                         I've never known any Mormons. I, don't 
                         even know what you people believe. Who 
                         was this Joseph Smith guy? Why did he 
                         believe that Native Americans are actually 
                         white people from Jerusalem?
 
                                     GARY SR.
                         Well, because they found ancient books 
                         they had written on gold plates, right 
                         where the angel Moroni said they would 
                         be.
 
               [The Early 1800s, day, a small town. People mill around]

                                     SMITH
                         I found them! I found them!  You're 
                         not gonne believe it, everybody! I found 
                         them!
 
                                     BUTLER
                         Found what?

                                     SMITH
                         Another New Testament of Jesus Christ!
 
                         
                                     PEOPLE
                         What? What did he say? Are you crazy?
 
                         
                                     SMITH
                         Last night, a Native America angel told 
                         me where I could find another testament 
                         of Jesus Christ, so I went out to the 
                         woods. I dug around all morning where 
                         the angel had told me to look. 
 
                                     SMITH
                          Maybe there isn't anything out here. 
                          Wait a tick!  What's this?  Wow...
 
                         
                                     SMITH
                          Inside the stone box, I found the magical 
                         seer stones. Under that, I found four 
                         gold plates written in strange writing 
                         .
 
                                     SMITH
                         This must be the Gospel that Jesus told 
                         the Nephites!
 
                                     SMITH
                         Well, they were the most amazing things 
                         I'd ever gazed upon.
 
                                     MAN
                          Well, so where are they?

                                     SMITH
                         Where are what?

                                     WOMAN
                         The gold plates and the seer stones. 
                         Where are they?
 
                                     SMITH
                         Oh. Oh, well, I... was not allowed to 
                         take them. You see, after I found the 
                         plates, the angel Moroni appeared to 
                         me again and said that I am not allowed 
                         to show the plates, or the seer stones, 
                         to anybody. Because first I must translate 
                         what's written on the plates into English, 
                         so you can all read it!
 
                                     SINGERS
                         Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

                                     PEOPLE
                         Wow, amazing!

                                     SINGERS
                         He found the stones and golden plates
 
                         
               Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

               Even though nobody else ever saw them

               Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

               [The Marsh house. Sharon and Shelley are at their spots, Stan 
               sits on the couch, all three watch TV. Randy returns with a Book 
               of Mormon in hand]
 
                                     STAN
                         So, how'd it go, Clubber Lange? You 
                         kicked Mr. Harrison's ass?
 
                                     RANDY
                         Not exactly. We're uh, having their 
                         family over for dinner tomorrow night.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         See? That's what happened to me!

                                     RANDY
                         Sharon, did you know this guy Joseph 
                         Smith found a new testament to the Bible 
                         buried here in America?
 
                                     SHARON
                         What are you talking about?

                                     RANDY
                         Well it's just that... the Harrisons 
                         are really nice people and... you should 
                         see how loving and together their family 
                         is. I, I think there's something to 
                         that religion.
 
                                     STAN
                         That's what they made me think, too!
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         All right, that does it. From now on, 
                         our family is Mormon!
 
               [The neighborhood, day. In front of Kyle's house Kyle, Kenny 
               and Cartman are tossing a football around. Stan arrives. Cartman 
               catches the football and approaches Stan]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey Stan, how was your date last night 
                         with the new kid?
 
                                     STAN
                         Shut up, dude. They're a nice family 
                         and... Gary is actually really smart 
                         and talented.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Aww, you guys. I think Stan's in love.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. Did you make out with him, too?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         What's the big deal? Can't I have other 
                         friends? You guys should give Gary a 
                         chance.
 
                                     GARY
                          Hey Stan.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ohhh, here's Stan's little girlfriend 
                         now.
 
                                     GARY
                         Hey guys. Stan, I remember you said 
                         last night that you'd lost your wallet, 
                         so I made you a new one.  I carved a 
                         picture of John Elway into the leather 
                         on the front.
 
                                     STAN
                         Wow, you made this?

                                     CARTMAN
                          Awww, look at them. Aren't they so 
                         cute together?
 
                                     GARY
                         Hey! My family's on their way over to 
                         the fire station to donate blood. You 
                         wanna come along? 
 
                                     STAN
                         Un, I don't think so, Gary. I have to 
                         uh... 
 
                                     GARY
                         Oh here comes my family now!

                                     THE HARRISONS
                         Hey you guys! 

                                     KAREN
                         Look, we painted our faces! 

                                     MARK
                         I'm a lion. 

                                     JENNY
                         I'm an alien. 

                                     GARY SR.
                         Hey, just what the heck am I supposed 
                         to be? 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh my God...

                                     DAVE
                          You gonna come with us to the fire 
                         station, Stan?
 
                                     STAN
                          Uh, no. I've got a lot to do.

                                     GARY SR.
                         Well... Gary, you wanna just hang out 
                         with your friend Stan?
 
                                     GARY
                         Oh. Well, I'd like to, but... Oh man, 
                         I would miss you guys so much!
 
                                     MARK
                         We'd miss you too, Gary. Heh.

                                     KAREN
                         Aw, we'll all see each other tonight 
                         when we go to Stan's house for dinner. 
                         Stay and play with your friend, Gary.
 
                         
                                     GARY SR.
                         Yeah. Have a good time, boys. 

                                     MARK
                         Let's go.  Our faces are painted. 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Wow!

                                     GARY
                         So what do you guys wanna do?

                                     CARTMAN
                          Uh, that's cool. We're gonna leave 
                         you two lovebirds alone. The three of 
                         us have to go put in some volunteer 
                         work at the homeless shelter. 
 
                                     GARY
                         Oh cool! I'm gonna do that tomorrow.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Eeheehee, Jesus Christ. 

                                     GARY
                         So hey, I heard your dad came over last 
                         night and he and my dad talked about 
                         Joseph Smith. That's great!
 
                                     STAN
                          Yyeah. I had a question about that 
                         Joseph Smith guy.
 
                                     GARY
                         Sure.

                                     STAN
                         What happened after he found the golden 
                         plates buried in the ground?
 
                                     GARY
                         Well, he kept them hidden from everyone 
                         like he was told. And then he translated 
                         what was written on the plates into 
                         the Book of Mormon.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, but... how?

               [Back to the 1800s, night. Joseph Smith and another man walk 
               up into the attic of a large building]
 
                                     SINGERS
                         Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

                                     MAN
                         What's this all about, Mr. Smith?

                                     SMITH
                         Mr. Harris, can you keep a secret?
 
                         
                                     HARRIS
                         Well, sure I can.

                                     SMITH
                         I have, in my possession, an ancient 
                         book written on gold plates that tells 
                         of Jesus Christ's second coming. Here, 
                         in America.
 
                                     HARRIS
                         In America?  Really? That sounds kind 
                         of...
 
                                     SINGERS
                         Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

                                     SMITH
                         It's true. And I'm going to translate 
                         the plates and publish it into a book 
                         for the whole world to read. Now, ahah-I 
                         know you have a lot of money, Mr. Harris, 
                         and I'm just gonna need a little bit 
                         to pay for the publishing costs.
 
                                     HARRIS
                         Mmm, I don't know. Uh, how do you expect 
                         to translate it?
 
                                     SMITH
                         With these. 

                                     HARRIS
                         Rocks?

                                     SMITH
                         They're not rocks. They're seer stones, 
                         given to me by an angel. With them, 
                         God allowed me to translate the plates 
                         into English. Watch. You take this quill 
                         and paper and write down what I say. 
                         Sit here.  I have the golden plates 
                         here in this hat. I need to have them 
                         somewhere dark so I can read the spiritual 
                         light.
 
                                     HARRIS
                         Really?

                                     SMITH
                         Now, when I put the seer stones into 
                         the hat, the ancient letter light up 
                         and change into English, which I can 
                         then read to you.
 
                                     HARRIS
                         Wow! 

                                     SMITH
                         Ooo, I'm seeing the light. Oh, okay. 
                         Write this down. "And... so... it... 
                         was... that... Christ... appeared before... 
                         the... Nephites."
 
                                     SINGERS
                         And that's how the Book of Mormon was 
                         written
 
               Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

               Dumb dadumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

               Dumb dadumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

               Dahumb dahumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

               Dumb dumb dumb dumb duuumb, duuumb.

                                     RANDY
                         One two three four. "Pay one thousand 
                         dollars property tax."  Isn't this great, 
                         you guys? Our first Family Home Evening.
 
                         
                                     SHELLEY
                         I wanna watch TV.

                                     RANDY
                         We're not watching TV! We're Mormons 
                         now and we're having Family Home Evening!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Dad, did you know that that Joseph Smith 
                         guy read the Book of Mormon out of a 
                         hat?
 
                                     RANDY
                         And?  Your turn, Sharon.

                                     STAN
                         It's just that... the Book of Mormon 
                         says a lot of strange stuff, like that 
                         Adam and Eve lived in Jackson County, 
                         Missouri.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Yes.

                                     STAN
                         But school taught me that the first 
                         man and woman lived in Africa.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Well you can't believe everything school 
                         tells you, Stan. Your turn, Shelley. 
                          Oooo, that must be the Harrisons! 
 
                         
                                     GARY
                         Hey everybody.

                                     MARK
                          Wow, what a great house!

                                     KAREN
                          You must be Mrs. Marsh; it's so nice 
                         to meet youuu!
 
                                     JENNY
                          And you must be Stan's sister. Oh, 
                         I think your brother's the greatest.
 
                         
                                     SHELLEY
                         My brother is a stupid turd.

                                     GARY
                          Hey Stan.

                                     STAN
                          Hey Gary.

                                     RANDY
                         Well, come on in and sit down, everybody. 
                          You're here just in time. My son was 
                         having a little problem with our new 
                         religion.
 
                                     STAN
                         Dad!

                                     GARY SR.
                         Ohohoho, really? Wel, that's just because 
                         he hasn't heard the best part about 
                         the Joseph Smith story! The one that 
                         proves he was for real!
 
                                     THE HARRISONS
                         Yeah! Woohoo!

                                     RANDY
                         Ooo, what's that?

                                     GARY SR.
                         Well, you remember Martin Harris, the 
                         rich man who wrote down what Joseph 
                         Smith read out of the hat?
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah.

                                     GARY SR.
                         See, after he was done, he took some 
                         of the pages of what would become the 
                         Book of Mormon home.
 
               [Back to the 1800s, night, the large building]

                                     SINGERS
                         Martin went home to his wife

               Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

               And showed her pages from the Book of Mormon

               Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

                                     HARRIS
                         A-and so Joseph Smith put his head into 
                         a hat, a-and read to me what the golden 
                         plates said. I wrote it all down and 
                         we're gonna publish it into a book.
 
                         
                                     MRS. HARRIS
                         Martin, how do you know he isn't just 
                         making stuff up and pretending he's 
                         translating off golden plates?
 
                                     SINGERS
                         Lucy Harris smart smart smart

               Smart smart smart smart smart

                                     HARRIS
                         Why would he make it up?

                                     SINGERS
                         Martin Harris dumb dadumb-

                                     LUCY
                         All right, here. I'm gonna hide these 
                         pages.  If Joseph Smith really is translating 
                         off of golden plates, then he'll be 
                         able to do it again. But if Joseph Smith 
                         is making it all up, then the new translations 
                         will be different from these.
 
                                     HARRIS
                         Okay, fine. I bet he'll have no problem. 
                         
 
                                     SINGERS
                         Lucy Harris smart smart smart

               Martin Harris dumb.

               So Martin went on back to Smith

               Said the pages had gone away

               Smith got mad and told Martin

               He needed to go pray

               Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

                                     HARRIS
                          Look, ah I'm sorry about losin' the 
                         pages we worked on, Joe, but I'm ready 
                         to write it all down again if you translate 
                         from the plates.
 
                                     SMITH
                         I would love to, Martin, except, I just 
                         had a vision. And the Lord said he's 
                         very angry with me for letting you take 
                         those pages.
 
                                     HARRIS
                          He is??

                                     SINGERS
                         Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

                                     SMITH
                         Yes. He is so mad that he will never 
                         let me translate from the plate of Lehi 
                         again. He's... we must now translate 
                         from the plate of Nephi. So it will 
                         be the same basic story, but written 
                         a little differently.
 
                                     HARRIS
                         Wow! If God got angry with you, then 
                         you must be tellin' the truth.
 
                                     SINGERS
                         Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb.
 
                         
                                     HARRIS
                         All right, Martin. Let's get to work! 
                         
 
               [Back to the present, the Marsh house]

                                     GARY SR.
                         And that's how it happened.

                                     KIDS
                         Yeah! All right! 

                                     STAN
                         ...Wait. Mormons actually know this 
                         story and they still believe Joseph 
                         Smith was a prophet?
 
                                     GARY SR.
                         Well sure. The story proves it, doesn't 
                         it?
 
                                     STAN
                         No, it proves he DID make it all up. 
                         Are you blind?
 
                                     MARK
                         Well, Stan, it's all a matter of faith.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         No, it's a matter of logic! If you're 
                         gonna say things that have been proven 
                         wrong, like that the first man and woman 
                         lived in Missouri, and that Native Americans 
                         came from Jerusalem, then you'd better 
                         have something to back it up. All you've 
                         got are a bunch of stories about some 
                         asswipe who read plates nobody ever 
                         saw out of a hat, and then couldn't 
                         do it again when the translatios were 
                         hidden!
 
                                     RANDY
                         Hey, Stan, don't denounce our religion.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          I don't wanna be Mormon, Dad!

                                     SHELLEY
                         Me neither.

                                     GARY
                         Hey, that's only cool, guys. You can 
                         believe whatever you want!
 
                                     GARY SR.
                         Yeah, it's great you have your own beliefs.
 
                         
                                     GARY
                         Yeah! Hooray for the Marshes!

                                     STAN
                         Oh, stop it!  That's another thing! 
                         Why do you have to be so freakin' nice 
                         all the time?! It isn't normal! You 
                         just weasel people into your way of 
                         thinking by acting like the happiest 
                         family in the world and being so nice 
                         to everyone that you just blindside 
                         dumb people like my Dad!
 
                                     RANDY
                         Yeah! 

                                     GARY SR.
                         Well kids... Who's up for a water balloon 
                         fight?!
 
                                     KIDS
                         Yeah! All right! 

               [The bus stop, next day. Kyle, Cartman and Kenny wait for the 
               bus, Stan walks up somewhat somberly]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh, hey Stan. Where's your best buddy, 
                         Gary?
 
                                     STAN
                         I'm not hanging around that kid anymore.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh no! You guys broke up?

                                     STAN
                         You guys were right, okay? The new kid's 
                         a douche. Now I just gotta find a way 
                         to keep him away from me.
 
                                     GARY
                          Hey Stan.

                                     STAN
                         Oh brother.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh oh, the jilted lover returns.

                                     GARY
                         Listen, I just wanted to let you know 
                         you don't have to worry about me tryin' 
                         to be your friend anymore.
 
                                     STAN
                         I don't?

                                     GARY
                         Look, maybe us Mormons do believe in 
                         crazy stories that make absolutely no 
                         sense, and maybe Joseph Smith did make 
                         it all up, but I have a great life. 
                         and a great family, and I have the Book 
                         of Mormon to thank for that. The truth 
                         is, I don't care if Joseph Smith made 
                         it all up, because what the church teaches 
                         now is loving your family, being nice 
                         and helping people. And even though 
                         people in this town might think that's 
                         stupid, I still choose to believe in 
                         it. All I ever did was try to be your 
                         friend, Stan, but you're so high and 
                         mighty you couldn't look past my religion 
                         and just be my friend back. You've got 
                         a lot of growing up to do, buddy. Suck 
                         my balls. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Damn, that kid is cool, huh?

               THE END

All About The Mormons



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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