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                                        SOUTH PARK

                                       Episode 105

                            "AN ELEPHANT MAKES LOVE TO A PIG"

                                            by

                          Matt Stone, Trey Parker & Dan Sterling

                

               EXT. BUSSTOP - MORNING

               The boys patiently wait for the bus.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey Stan, where'd you get that black 
                         eye?

                                     STAN
                         Nothing... I mean, I mean, nowhere.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Your sister beat you up again, huh?

                                     STAN
                         NO!

                                     CARTMAN
                              (laughing)
                         Yup, your sister kicked your ass.

                                     STAN
                         She's just pissed off 'cause she got 
                         head gear at the dentist. She's taking 
                         it out on me.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, but that sucks you get your 
                         butt kicked by a girl Stan.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I would NEVER let a woman kick my 
                         ass! If she tried anything, I'd be 
                         like 'HEY! You get your bitch ass 
                         back in the kitchen and make me some 
                         pie!!'

                                     STAN
                         My parents don't even believe that 
                         she beats me up. They think she's 
                         all innocent and sweet. But I know 
                         that she's an evil bitch.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Be a man, Stan. Just say 'HEY WOMAN! 
                         YOU, YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND MAKE 
                         BABIES!'

               Stan rolls his eyes.

                                     STAN
                         Hey Kyle, what's that elephant doing?

               ZOOM OUT to reveal that Kyle has a full-grown African Elephant 
               on a leash.

                                     KYLE
                         You mean this one?

                                     STAN
                         Yeah.

                                     KYLE
                         He's my new pet elephant.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Whoa, dude, where'd you get a pet 
                         elephant?

                                     KYLE
                         I got it mail order from Africa. The 
                         ad said it would take 4 to 6 weeks, 
                         but it only took three.

                                     STAN
                         Wow, that's cool!

                                     KYLE
                         No it's not cool! My mom won't let 
                         me keep him in the house. She says 
                         he's too big. And that its poop is 
                         bigger than our couch.

                                     CARTMAN
                         That's why MY mom got ME a pot bellied 
                         pig. 'Cause it's poop is small.

               Cartman gestures with his hands.

                                     KENNY
                         Mmmh mph mhhph mmmam nmmm.

                                     KYLE
                         Well yeah, but pigs aren't smart 
                         like elephants.

               The bus pulls up to pick up the kids. The door flies open 
               and Mrs. Crabtree spots Kyle's Elephant.

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT IS THAT 
                         THING?!

               Kyle and Stan look at each other.

                                     KYLE
                              (Whispering)
                         Uh, oh this is the new retarded kid.

               The elephant blinks.

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         Oh, I'm sorry, little girl...
                              (Pause)
                         But you still can't get on. You have 
                         to take the special Ed bus.

               WHIP PAN to the special Ed. bus. A little bus filled with 
               handicapped children (*NOTE -- This is REALLY funny.)

                                     KYLE
                         Boy, it looks like you're not welcome 
                         anywhere elephant. See ya.

               The boys get on the bus, leaving the elephant behind.

                                     CARTMAN
                         If a woman ever gave me crap, I'd 
                         say 'HEY! YOU GO DO MY LAUNDRY And...

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         SIT DOWN, KID!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes, ma'am.

               INT. SCHOOL - DAY

               The boys are in class.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         And now, children, our friend Mr. 
                         Hat is going to tell us all about 
                         Genetic Engineering.

                                     MR. HAT
                         That's right, Mr. Garrison, Genetic 
                         Engineering is an exciting new 
                         science. You can splice the DNA from 
                         some animals and make them better.

               Kyle seems incredibly intrigued.

                                     KYLE
                         Mr. Garrison?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Yes, Kyle.

                                     KYLE
                         With genetic engineering, can you 
                         make a elephant smaller?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well uh... Yes I suppose you could.

               You could splice elephant genes with a dog or cat or pot 
               bellied pig genes.

                                     KYLE
                         That's it! I'm going to combine my 
                         elephant with a pot-bellied pig and 
                         make... POT BELLIED ELEPHANTS!

               The class gasps.

                                     KYLE
                         They'd be smart like elephants but 
                         small like pigs!

                                     STAN
                         That'd be cool!

                                     BEBE
                         I wanna pot-bellied elephant!

                                     PIP
                         Yes, I'll pay $50 for one.

               Terrance, ungroomed and nerdy, pipes up.

                                     TERRANCE
                         That's stupid!

                                     KYLE
                         Shut up Terrance, we can genetical 
                         engineer anything we want.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Oh yea! I bet I can genetically clone 
                         a WHOLE HUMAN BEING before you 
                         crossbreed an elephant and a pig.

                                     KYLE
                         I bet you can't!

                                     TERRANCE
                         Watch me plebeian!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well, spank my ass and call me 
                         Charlie. Isn't this exciting, two A+ 
                         students in a cloning war!

                                     MR. HAT
                         Yes Mr. Garrison, genetic engineering 
                         let's us correct God's horrible, 
                         horrible mistakes... like German 
                         people. You know you boys might want 
                         to visit the genetic engineering 
                         ranch outside of town for some help. 
                         And you could both use this for your 
                         science fair projects next month.

               The bell RINGS. The kids all pile out the door.

                                     KYLE
                         Genetic engineering ranch?! Sweet!

                                     STAN
                         Wait, wait, we still need a pig.

                                     KYLE
                         We can use Cartman's pig.

               Cartman's eyes bulge.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey!! You leave Fluffy out of this!

                                     KYLE
                         We're not gonna hurt her. We just 
                         need some of her blood.

                                     CARTMAN
                         You're not using any of Fluffy's 
                         blood! Else I'll kick you in the 
                         nuts.

               Kyle and Kenny leave.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Kyle... Kyle! No!

               Cartman storms off. Stan starts to follow him but Mr. Garrison 
               stops him.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Uh, uh Stanley, Can I talk to you 
                         for a minute?

                                     STAN
                         Okay...

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I couldn't help but notice that black 
                         eye you have. Are there problems at 
                         home?

                                     STAN
                              (hanging his head)
                         Yes.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, dear... Here, Stanly, sit down, 
                         have some cocoa, and tell your friend 
                         Mr. Hat all about it.

               Garrison pours some hot cocoa and hands it to Stan gently.

                                     MR. HAT
                         I'm your friend, Mr. Hat, Stan. You 
                         can tell me ANYTHING. Now, who hits 
                         you? Is it your father or your mother?

                                     STAN
                         Oh, neither, it's my sister.

               Mr. Garrison pulls Mr. Hat away.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Your sister? Oh, for Pete's sake, 
                         don't be such a little wuss! Stop 
                         wasting Mr. Hat's time with pansy 
                         little foo foo problems... and give 
                         me back my cocoa!

               INT. STAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

               Stan opens the door slowly. He peeks his head in.

               After he sees the coast is clear, he steps in and closes the 
               door behind him. When he turns around, his big sister, SHELLEY 
               stands looming over him.

                                     SHELLEY
                         Hey!

                                     STAN
                         Hi Shelley.

                                     SHELLEY
                         Are you looking at my head gear?

                                     STAN
                         Head gear? What head gear?

                                     SHELLEY
                         Are you looking at my head gear?

                                     STAN
                         Oh, gosh. I didn't really notice.

               Shelly moves towards Stan.

                                     SHELLEY
                         You little liar!

                                     STAN
                         No! I think it looks terrific! It 
                         matches your --

               Shelley picks him up and starts whacking him against the 
               wall. Stan howls! She hurls him toward the basement stairs 
               and we hear SCREAMS and a THUD-THUD-THUD CRASH.

               A bruised, mangled Stan comes crawling up the stairs on his 
               hands and knees.

               Shelly picks him up again and throws him out the front window. 
               The glass CRASHES and he lands out on the front lawn where 
               Kyle, Kenny and Cartman stand waiting.

                                     KYLE
                         Ready to go Stan?

               Stan looks up from the broken glass.

                                     STAN
                         Go where?

                                     KYLE
                         To the genetical engineering ranch! 
                         We got Cartman's pig so we can splice 
                         its genes with my elephant.

                                     CARTMAN
                         NOBODY'S SPLICING NOTHING FROM 
                         FLUFFY!!

               Kyle helps Stan up.

                                     SHELLEY
                         I swear I'm going to kill you Stan!

                                     KYLE
                         Why is your sister so mean to you, 
                         dude?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, if some sissy chick tried to 
                         kick my ass I'd be all like, 'HEY, 
                         LISTEN MISSY!!! WHY DON'T YOU GO 
                         KNIT ME A SWEATER BEFORE I SLAP YOU 
                         IN THE FACE!!!!'

                                     SHELLEY (O.S.)
                         Who said that?!

               The kids all look toward the house, scared. Cartman points 
               at Kenny. Kenny's eyes pop.

               EXT. GENETIC ENGINEERING RANCH - NIGHT

               The boys stand outside an ominous building, Kyle with his 
               elephant and Cartman with his pig. The sign out front reads 
               "SOUTH PARK GENETIC ENGINEERING RANCH." Below, in smaller 
               letters, it reads "Splicin' n' Dicin' fresh DNA since 1965."

               They stare at the building. Thunder and lightning crash.

                                     KYLE
                         This must be it.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, looks like nobody's home. Guess 
                         we should come back some other time.

                                     KYLE
                         No Cartman! We're going in there and 
                         splicing Fluffy and my elephant 
                         together.

               Fluffy whines a little.

                                     CARTMAN
                         It's okay Fluffy, I won't let them 
                         hurt you.

                                     KYLE
                         It's just a stupid pig.

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, quit being such a baby.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Baby? Well, at least I don't get my 
                         ass kicked by a girl!

               Kenny laughs.

                                     STAN
                         Least I'm not a little pig-#$%@er!

                                     CARTMAN
                         AY!! I'm taking my pig and screw you 
                         guys, I'm going home. This whole 
                         idea is stupid anyway!

                                     KYLE
                         What the hell would you know, you 
                         fat sweaty mongoloid!? You never get 
                         higher than a D!

                                     CARTMAN
                         AY!! Why don't you go back to San 
                         Francisco with the rest of the Jews?!

                                     KYLE
                         There's no Jews in San Francisco you 
                         retard!!! --

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'll kick you in the nuts!!

               The door suddenly FLIES open and Mr. Mephesto stands there.

                                     MR. MEPHESTO
                         Can I help you?

               The boys reel back in fear from Mephesto's presence.

                                     KYLE
                         Uh... Yeah... We want to cross breed 
                         an elephant with a pig.

                                     MR. MEPHESTO
                         Brilliant idea! Huge, elephant-sized 
                         pigs!

                                     KYLE
                         No no no, we want to make little 
                         potbellied elephants that people can 
                         keep in their houses as pets!

                                     MR. MEPHESTO
                         Oh, that's an even better idea! Come 
                         on in!

               INT. GENETIC ENGINEERING RANCH - NIGHT

               The boys follow Mephesto through the creepy lab.

                                     MR. MEPHESTO
                         I'm so pleased that you children are 
                         interested in genetic engineering...

                                     CARTMAN
                         It's okay fluffy... Nobody's going 
                         to hurt you...

                                     MR. MEPHESTO
                         It's thanks to the wonder of genetic 
                         engineering that soon there will be 
                         an end to hunger, disease, pollution, 
                         even war. I've created things that 
                         will change the world for the better --
                              (pointing)
                         -- For instance, here is a monkey 
                         with four asses.

               In a cage is a medium sized monkey with four asses that looks 
               pissed off.

                                     KYLE
                              (To Stan)
                         How does that make the world better?

               Stan shrugs. Mephesto shows them more pissed-off animals.

                                     MR. MEPHESTO
                         And here, of course, is my four-assed 
                         ostrich, and my four-assed mongoose.

               The Boys look increasingly confused.

                                     STAN
                         Do you have anything besides just 
                         animals with four asses?

                                     MR. MEPHESTO
                         Oh, well, I suppose so... Ah yes, 
                         over here --

               Mephesto points to some odd-looking animals.

                                     MR. MEPHESTO
                         Here I have rats spliced with ducks... 
                         And gorillas spliced with mosquitos. 
                         And here I have rabbits spliced with 
                         fish to make little bunny fish!!

               In a tank, four fish with bunny ears swim around. Cartman 
               looks at them closely and notices that the bunny ears have 
               little strings attached to them.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey... These bunny ears are tied on 
                         with little strings!

                                     MR. MEPHESTO
                         And over here is swiss cheese spliced 
                         with chalk... And a beard.

               The boys look at the bearded swiss cheese with chalk.

                                     KYLE
                         Well what about our pot-bellied 
                         elephant?

                                     MR. MEPHESTO
                         Oh... well I'm sorry children, but 
                         pig and elephant DNA just won't 
                         splice. Haven't you ever heard that 
                         song by Loverboy?

                                     KYLE
                         Which song is that?

                                     MR. MEPHESTO
                         "Da'n Do-A, Pig and Elephant D-N-A 
                         Just Won't Splice?".

               The kids look at each other.

                                     MR. MEPHESTO
                         However maybe I could help you add a 
                         few asses to that swine of yours.

                                     CARTMAN
                         You can keep your hands off of 
                         Fluffy's ass!

               Suddenly, Mr. Mephesto grabs a syringe and SHOVES it into 
               Stan's arm and takes a blood sample.

                                     MR. MEPHESTO
                         You know it's amazing what we can do 
                         with a little blood sample these 
                         days.

                                     STAN
                         -- Ow!

               Mephesto quickly hides the syringe behind his back.

                                     MR. MEPHESTO
                         Hmm? What? Oh excuse me.

                                     KYLE
                         Wait, what are you taking Stan's 
                         blood for?

                                     MR. MEPHESTO
                         Oh, pardon me, I tripped. Could I 
                         have some hair please?

               Mephesto reaches for Stan's head.

                                     KYLE
                         Watch out Stan, genetic engineers 
                         are crazy!!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Come on Fluffy!!!

               The kids scramble out the door, knocking Mephesto down.

                                   1ST COMMERCIAL BREAK

               EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY

               Establishing shot.

               INT. CAFETERIA - DAY

               The boys are on line for food. A little English boy, dressed 
               in knickers and a hat gets in line behind the boys.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, I sure am hungry.

                                     PIP
                         'Allo gentlemen. Any of you blokes 
                         know what's for lunch today? Lunchie 
                         munchies Hmmm?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Go away, Pip, nobody likes you.

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, what kind of name is Pip, 
                         anyway?

                                     PIP
                         Well, my father's family name being 
                         Pirrip and my Christian name Phillip, 
                         my infant tongue --

                                     CARTMAN
                         God Damnit would you shut the hell 
                         up?! Nobody gives a rat's ass.

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, go away Pip.

                                     PIP
                         Right-o.

               Pip leaves.

                                     CARTMAN
                         God, French people piss me off.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Hey dumbasses!

               The Boys turn around to see Terrance and the gang.

                                     TERRANCE
                         You morons give up on your stupid 
                         science fair project yet?

                                     KYLE
                         No, we're already half-way done!

                                     TERRANCE
                         Half-way?
                              (laughing)
                         Then all you've got is a stupid pig!

                                     NERDS
                         Yeah a gay pig too! Stupid gay pig.

                                     KYLE
                         It's more than you've got.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Wrong! We've already got our human 
                         clone well underway!

               Fosse unveils... a human foot! He places it on the floor and 
               it starts walking around.

                                     KYLE
                         Oh my God! They cloned a foot!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, I'll kick your ass.

                                     TERRANCE
                         By Friday, we're gonna clone a whole 
                         human being. Good luck with your 
                         stupid little pig.

               The nerds walk away, laughing.

                                     CHEF
                         Hello there, children.

                                     STAN
                         Hey, Chef.

                                     CHEF
                         How're you doing?

                                     KYLE & STAN
                         Bad.

                                     CHEF
                         Why bad?

                                     KYLE
                         We need to genetically engineer a 
                         pig and an elephant, but their genes 
                         won't splice.

                                     CHEF
                         Aw, of course they wont splice 
                         children. Haven't you ever heard 
                         that song by Loverboy. "Da'n Do-A, 
                         Pig and Elephant D-N-A Just Won't 
                         Splice.

               The boys look confused.

                                     CHEF
                         A pig-elephant? Say, now that's a 
                         not a bad idea.

                                     KYLE
                         I told you guys.

                                     CHEF
                         Imagine, a pint-sized elephant that 
                         you could keep in the house... 
                         Children, we could make a fortune 
                         with this!

                                     KYLE
                         You hear that, dudes? We'll be rich!

                                     CHEF
                         But forget all that genetic 
                         engineerwhoosa-fudge... If you want 
                         to combine a pig and an elephant, 
                         just get them to make sweet love.

                                     CARTMAN
                         What?!

                                     STAN
                         I don't think an elephant would make 
                         love to a pig.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (insulted)
                         I don't think my pig would wanna 
                         make love to that stupid elephant!!

                                     CHEF
                         Sure they would... But you're gonna 
                         have to get 'em in the mood.

                                     STAN
                         Well how do we do that?

                                     CHEF
                         Do what I do... get 'em good and 
                         drunk.

               EXT. BUS STOP - DAY

               The boys get off the bus.

                                     STAN
                         Hey, uh you guys wanna come over to 
                         my house?

                                     KYLE
                         We've got work to do Stan. I think 
                         it takes a while for an elephant to 
                         get drunk.

                                     STAN
                         Really? You guys don't want to come 
                         over just for a little bit?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Why, your sister gonna kick your ass 
                         again?

                                     STAN
                         Shut up Cartman!

                                     KENNY
                         Mprh mmprh nmph!

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah Stan, she's just a girl.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, if some girl tried to kick my 
                         ass I'd be like 'HEY, WHY DON'T YOU 
                         STOP DRESSING ME UP LIKE A MAILMAN 
                         AND MAKING ME DANCE FOR YOU WHILE 
                         YOU GO AND SMOKE CRACK IN YOUR BEDROOM 
                         AND HAVE SEX WITH SOME GUY I DON'T 
                         EVEN KNOW ON MY DADS BED!"

               Kyle turns around to face Stan.

                                     STAN
                         Cartman, what the hell are you talking 
                         about?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm just saying you're just a little 
                         wuss. That's all.

                                     KYLE
                         Stan, you can use family love as a 
                         weapon against Shelley. The next 
                         time she's going to kick your ass 
                         just tell her 'Shelley, you're my 
                         sister and I love you.'

                                     KENNY
                         Mph mph mph.

                                     STAN
                         Sick dude! She's my sister!

                                     KYLE
                         Try it. We'll see you in a while, 
                         we've got to go get Cartman's pig.

                                     CARTMAN
                         No you don't gotta get Cartman's 
                         pig. You leave Fluffy out of this!

                                     KYLE
                         Come on Kenny!

               Kyle walks off with Kenny.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Kyle NO!! Seriously!! NO ELEPHANT IS 
                         GOING TO MAKE LOVE TO MY FLUFFY. 
                         Kyle I would kick you in the nuts.

               Cartman storms off leaving Stan alone.

                                     STAN
                         Crap.

               INT. STAN'S HOUSE - DAY

               Stan timidly enters the living room. She has her head gear 
               on, and now, in addition, an extremely unsightly back brace.

                                     SHELLEY
                         Are you staring at my neck brace?

                                     STAN
                         No. I mean yes, I mean, what neck 
                         brace?

               Shelley wraps her hands around Stan's throat, ready to pummel, 
               when Stan recalls Kyle's advice.

                                     STAN
                         Shelley, before you beat my face 
                         into a bloody pulp again, I just 
                         want you to know that -- that you're 
                         my sister, and -- I love you.

               Shelley's face is taken over by a quizzical look. Stan looks 
               hopeful, believing he might just have reached her.

               Suddenly Shelley's eyebrows turn sharply downward.

               THWACK! Shelley bitch-slaps Stan clear across the room, then 
               starts beating him furiously.

                                     STAN
                         OW! Someday, Shelley, I'm gonna be 
                         bigger than you, and you're gonna 
                         wish you'd never done any of this to 
                         me.

                                     SHELLEY
                         You'll never be bigger than me, Stan. 
                         NEVER!

               INT. GENETIC ENGINEERING RANCH - NIGHT

               Mr. Mephesto looks into a giant INCUBATOR.

                                     MR. MEPHESTO
                         Beautiful! It's absolutely beautiful!!

               PULL BACK TO REVEAL a strange larva growing. Through the 
               larva casing, we can make out a large, embryonic form, clad 
               in a familiar blue hat with a red pompom.

                                     MR. MEPHESTO
                         My son, I think we've finally done 
                         it!

               PAN across the room to reveal... Terrance, Bill and Fosse!

                                     TERRANCE
                         Yes we have, dad! My very own HUMAN 
                         CLONE!!!

                                     BILL & FOSSE
                         Hope he's not a gay clone... Ha Ha. 
                         yeah! That was so stupid, stupid.

               The boys high-five.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK - NIGHT

               The boys and Fluffy are in the same clearing that the UFOs 
               were in, in ep. 102. The boys are feeding malt liquor to the 
               elephant from a keg they towed in on a red wagon.

                                     KYLE
                         Come on, Elephant! Keep drinking!

               The elephant tiredly slurps down the beer. It belches and 
               stumbles a little.

                                     STAN
                         Damn, I wonder how drunk he needs to 
                         be to make sweet love to the pig?

               The elephant looks at Fluffy. From the elephant's POV:

               A blurred image of an ugly pig. The elephant cringes and 
               quickly starts drinking more beer.

                                     KYLE
                         Dammit! This is never gonna work!!

               Chef happens along.

                                     CHEF
                         Hello children. I thought I'd check 
                         and see how our little entrepreneurial 
                         venture is going.

                                     KYLE
                         Rotten! They're both really drunk, 
                         but they won't have sex.

                                     CHEF
                         Oh, children. You can't just stick a 
                         drunk pig with a drunk elephant and 
                         expect them to do the mattress mambo. 
                         You need to set the mood.

               Chef pulls out a huge boom-box with a microphone attached. 
               He presses play, and very sexy, seductive music kicks in. 
               Landau and Fluffy prick up their ears.

                                     CHEF
                         Let me show you boys what I'm talking 
                         about.
                              (singing)
                         Tonight is right for love, you know. 
                         I wanna touch you where the lights 
                         don't go -- Tonight is right for 
                         love, love gravy. Expressing love so 
                         sweet, I wanna keep you burning like 
                         a dog in heat. Tonight is right for 
                         love, love gravy. Ladies and gentlemen 
                         Mr. Elton John...

                                     ELTON JOHN
                         Ooh tonight, all is right, ooh tonight 
                         is right for love, love gravy.

                                     CHEF
                         Thank you Elton... Tonight is right 
                         for love, love gravy.

               MONTAGE: SOUTH PARK HUMPING SEQUENCE

               EXT. SOUTH PARK - CONTINUOUS

               As we hear Chef's music, we see through a window of a house, 
               a male and female silhouette gettin' busy.

                                     KYLE
                         Hey, look! It's working!

               Landau drunkenly gets up on top of Fluffy.

                                     CHEF
                         Now children, gather 'round and watch 
                         the wonders of life, the beauty of 
                         mother nature.

               The boys all gather around Chef. From the expressions on 
               their faces, and the horrible NOISES that emerge, it is 
               apparent that Landau and Fluffy have started screwing.

                                     STAN
                         Oh, sick!

                                     CARTMAN
                              (crying)
                         Fluffy!!!

                                     CHEF
                         Hmmm, now I know how all those white 
                         women must have felt.

                                   COMMERCIAL BREAK #2

               INT. GENETIC ENGINEERING RANCH

               Mr. Mephesto looks in the incubator. The larva is hatching!

                                     MR. MEPHESTO
                         Ooh! How luscious! Our creature has 
                         come to fruition, boys!

               The creature rips through the casing, revealing itself to be 
               A GIANT, STRANGE, STAN!

                                     TERRANCE
                         Dad, you're the best!

               Mephesto notices that the Big Stan only has one ass.

                                     MR. MEPHESTO
                         Oh my God! He only has one ass! He's 
                         of no use to me, I'll have to burn 
                         the room!

               Big Stan frowns when he hears this. He starts pounding on 
               the incubator wall. He kicks the incubator door open!

                                     MR. MEPHESTO
                         Oh no, this entire experiment is 
                         turning out very bad.

                                     BIG STAN
                         Me Bad?

               Big Stan grabs one of the four-assed animals and hurls it 
               against a wall!

                                     MR. MEPHESTO
                         Egads!! He's out of control! We'll 
                         have to destroy him.

                                     TERRANCE
                         But he's our science fair project!

                                     BIG STAN
                         Bubba chewy chomp!!!

                                     MR. MEPHESTO
                         He's too dangerous, son!

                                     TERRANCE
                              (stomping his feet)
                         But Dad! I wanna a HUMAN CLONE!!

               Terrance opens the door and lets Stan free.

                                     MR. MEPHESTO
                         Son! No!!!

               Big Stan immediately crashes through a window. Everybody 
               watches the Giant Stan run down toward South Park.

                                     MR. MEPHESTO
                         Oh, son! You've made a horrible 
                         mistake! You've put all the people 
                         of South Park in jeopardy!

                                     TERRANCE
                         They're all stupid anyway!! Come on 
                         guys, let's go!!

                                     NERDS
                         Yeah... they're all gay.

               The boys take off.

               EXT. BARN - MORNING

               The boys and Chef watch eagerly, waiting for Landau and Fluffy 
               to wake up.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Aren't they ever gonna wake up?

                                     CHEF
                         Oh, they will. But it's gonna be one 
                         ugly sight!

                                     STAN
                         I thought you said the wonder of 
                         mother nature was a beautiful thing.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. When does mother nature go 
                         from "beautiful" to "ugly"?

                                     CHEF
                         Usually about 9:30 in the morning, 
                         children.

               Landau groggily opens his eyes and yawns.

                                     CHEF
                         Uh oh! Here we go!

               Landau seems to be okay, until he rolls over and sees the 
               pig that he slept with last night. He SCREAMS wildly!

                                     CHEF
                              (very sympathetic)
                         Yeah, there's nothing worse than 
                         getting all drunk and waking up the 
                         next morning next to a pig, or a big 
                         fat elephant.

               Now Fluffy wakes up. When she sees that she is in bed with 
               an elephant, she slaps her forehead with her little hoof and 
               sighs.

                                     KYLE
                         Hey, how do we know if she's pregnant?

                                     CHEF
                         Well, boys, we might not know that 
                         for a couple of days.

                                     KYLE
                         A couple of days? But Terrance is 
                         going to have his human clone by 
                         tomorrow!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well good job Einstein! Why don't we 
                         just build a rocket in the mean time?!

               Kyle WHACKS Cartman.

               Mr. Mephesto appears suddenly.

                                     MR. MEPHESTO
                         Oh thank Bhudda, I've found you boys. 
                         You must tell me, have you seen 
                         anything odd lately?

                                     STAN
                         Uh, we saw an elephant have sex with 
                         a pig.

                                     MR. MEPHESTO
                         No, no I said "odd."

                                     CHEF
                         Hey, you're that crazy cracker from 
                         up on the hill.

                                     MR. MEPHESTO
                         Sir! If making mutant animals spliced 
                         with humans is crazy, then... uh... 
                         never mind.

               Chef takes this in for a moment, then

                                     MR. MEPHESTO
                         I'm afraid there's been a bit of an 
                         incident at the ranch. You see, I've 
                         created a large, mutant clone of 
                         that little boy there, and he's broken 
                         free.

               The kids eyes open wide!

                                     KENNY
                         Mph mph mmph.

                                     STAN
                         A big mutant version of me?!

                                     KYLE
                         Is he bigger than a regular clone?!

                                     MR. MEPHESTO
                         He's terribly dangerous. His brain 
                         is identical to yours. I need you to 
                         help me find him!

               Stan has a huge smile on his face.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - DAY

               Big mutant Stan is wreaking havoc in downtown South Park.

               He's destroying buildings. People run and scream in terror. 
               Big Stan picks up a car and tosses it like a football. Mr. 
               Garrison comes around a corner.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Stan, are you wearing a different 
                         hat?

                                     BIG STAN
                         Cha waaha waah.

               The Stan thing grabs Mr. Garrison.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         HEY! I know a certain young man who 
                         is itching for detention!

                                     BIG STAN
                         Haa Cheww weee.

               Big Stan throws Mr. Garrison through Jimbo's Gun shop window.

               Meanwhile, Stan leads the other boys in the search for Big 
               Stan.

                                     STAN
                         How big do you think he is? I bet he 
                         weighs FOUR HUNDRED POUNDS!

                                     KYLE
                         Come on, Stan! Don't you even know 
                         where you would go?

                                     KENNY
                              (pointing)
                         Mmph! Mpm nmnm!

                                     KYLE
                         Oh my God!

               The boys see Big Stan carrying a few innocent people. He 
               disappears around a corner.

               INT. T.V SET - DAY

                                     NEWSMAN
                         It appears that the horrible, 
                         destructive creature is actually 
                         eight year old Stan Marsh of South 
                         Park.

               A picture of innocent little Stan is put up.

                                     NEWSMAN
                         When asked why he was wreaking such 
                         havoc on his home town, the little 
                         boy replied simply 'Me Stan, bu chomp 
                         ba chewy chomp ba chewy chomp'... 
                         Back to you in the studio.

                                     T.V. ANCHOR
                         Thanks Tom, police are requesting 
                         that if you see this little eight 
                         year old boy, you immediately kill 
                         him and burn his body. That's all 
                         for now.

                                     NARRATOR
                         And now back to Jesus and Pals!!

                                     JESUS
                         Yea, the way is paved with gold for 
                         ye who seek truth and --

               Suddenly, evil Stan rips through the set.

                                     BIG STAN
                         Ba chomp Ba chewy chomp.

                                     JESUS
                         Jesus!

                                     EVIL STAN
                         BA CHOMP!! BA CHEWY CHOMP!!

               Stan tears the set apart.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK - DAY

               Officer Barbrady directs traffic amidst the chaos. The kids 
               run up to him.

                                     STAN
                         Officer Barbrady! My evil genetic 
                         clone is destroying the town! We 
                         have to find him!

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         You boys have been watching the X 
                         files too much. There's no such thing 
                         as --

               Suddenly, the evil Stan grabs Barbrady by the throat and 
               tosses him into Starks' Pond.

                                     KYLE
                         Come on! Let's go!

               Suddenly, Jimbo comes up behind Stan and grabs his shoulder.

                                     JIMBO
                         There you are! Stanly, you tore up 
                         my entire gun shop! You better have 
                         a GOOD explanation for this Mister!

                                     STAN
                         It wasn't me, Uncle Jimbo, it was my 
                         evil genetic clone.

               Mr. Garrison appears.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Stanly! What the hell has gotten 
                         into you? You have got severe 
                         lunchroom duty Mister!

                                     JIMBO
                         I'm gonna have a word with your father 
                         Stanley.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Yeah, you wait 'till your father 
                         hears about this.

                                     KYLE
                         Wait Stan! There he goes!

               Evil Stan starts to walks away.

                                     STAN
                         STOP!!

               The Stan thing turns and looks at Stan oddly.

                                     BIG STAN
                         Bubba chomp...

                                     KYLE
                         He recognizes you, dude.

                                     STAN
                         That's good, that's good dude, just 
                         calm down.

               Evil Stan now turns his head. He rests and sits down.

                                     BIG STAN
                         Ba chewy chomp.

                                     KYLE
                         What should we do with him?

               Stan smiles.

                                     STAN
                         Stan... How would you like to go 
                         home and meet your sister?

               Evil Stan smiles.

                                     BIG STAN
                         Haa Ba Chew

               INT. STAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

                                     STAN
                              (to Big Stan)
                         So remember, Shelley's the one with 
                         a big wire coming out of her mouth 
                         and a metal plate on her back. When 
                         you see Shelley, KICK HER ASS. Shelley 
                         bad! Shelley very bad!!

               Big Stan's wide eyes turn to extreme fear.

                                     BIG STAN
                         Me bad?

               He thinks Stan is calling him bad. He goes berserk! Big Stan 
               starts wrecking the place! He knocks over book cases, the 
               china cabinet, tables, chairs.

                                     STAN
                         No! SHELLY Bad! YOU GOOD!!

                                     KYLE
                         He's tearing up the house. Stop him!!!

               Kenny lunges at Big Stan, but Big Stan sends him flying 
               through the air... and right into the large microwave.

               The door slams shut and the power goes on.

               Big Stan continues to rip the place to shreds. All the boys 
               are SHOUTING and jumping on him, but he keeps throwing them 
               off, sending them in all directions.

               Finally, Big Stan turns around and finds himself face to 
               face with Shelley.

                                     SHELLEY
                         What the hell do you want?

               They size each other up for a second and then Shelley hauls 
               off and belts him with overwhelming force. Big Stan goes 
               down.

                                     BIG STAN
                         Ba chewy chewy chomp... Uh.

               Mr. Mephesto rushes in.

                                     MR. MEPHESTO
                         Boys, boys, I'm lusciously sorry for 
                         everything!

               Terrance, Bill and Fosse burst in.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Hey! They've got our clone! He belongs 
                         to us!

                                     MR. MEPHESTO
                         No, son! This beast is a disgrace to 
                         genetic engineers everywhere.
                              (to the Boys)
                         Boys, I'm sorry I've caused you such 
                         inconvenience. I tried to play God 
                         and I failed --

               Mr. Mephesto pulls out a gun and SHOOTS a hole right through 
               Big Stan's head! The blood splatters in Terrance's face. Big 
               Stan falls to the floor dead.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Daddy! NOOOOOOO!!!

                                     MR. MEPHESTO
                         All I've ever wanted was to 
                         genetically engineer something useful.
                              (starting to weep)
                         But I've failed. Perhaps we shouldn't 
                         be toying with God's creations. 
                         Perhaps we should just leave nature 
                         alone to it's simple one assed 
                         schematics.

               Mephesto starts to sob.

                                     TERRANCE
                         You cheating bastards! This isn't 
                         over! Just wait until tomorrow!!

               The nerds leave. Utterly depressed, Mephesto follows.

               The microwave dings and a crispy, moist Kenny falls out and 
               onto the floor with a squish.

                                     KYLE
                         Oh my God! They killed Kenny!
                              (shaking his fist at 
                              the microwave)
                         You bastard!!

                                     STAN
                         Mom and Dad are home. My house is a 
                         disaster. You guys gotta help me!!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I ain't helping crap! I wanna eat 
                         some pie!

                                     STAN
                         You can't just leave me here alone!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh yeah? Watch me!

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah Stan, we have to go find out if 
                         Cartman's pig is pregnant or not. 
                         See ya!

               Kyle and Cartman bolt.

                                     STAN
                         Thanks a lot!!!

                                     SHELLEY
                         Oh boy, you are gonna GET IT now!!!

               Stan looks through the window. He looks back in total shock.

               Shelley approaches Stan menacingly. Stan starts to sob.

                                     STAN
                         It isn't fair! Everybody hates me! 
                         The whole town wants me killed!
                              (Crying)
                         Mom and Dad are gonna send me away!

               Shelley stops in her tracks and watches her pitiful brother 
               cry.

                                     STAN
                         I don't wanna be sent away! I want 
                         to stay here! WAAAGGHH!!!

               The door opens. In walk Stan's mild-mannered parents.

                                     STAN'S DAD
                         STANLY!! WHAT IN GOD'S NAME HAVE YOU 
                         BEEN DOING?!

                                     STAN'S MOM
                         EVERYBODY IN TOWN IS UPSET WITH YOU 
                         YOUNG MAN! WHAT'S GOING ON?! ARE YOU 
                         ON DRUGS?!

               The parents approach Stan, but Shelley steps in their way.

                                     SHELLEY
                         It's not Stan's fault.

                                     DAD
                         Huh?

                                     SHELLEY
                         It wasn't Stan, he was... he was 
                         with me the whole time.

               Stan looks utterly shocked.

                                     DAD
                         Oh... Well, Stan we're... We're sorry 
                         we jumped to conclusions...

                                     MOM
                         Oh honey, please forgive us son.

               The parents hug Stan and walk away. Stan is still in shock.

               Finally, Stan snaps out of his daze.

                                     STAN
                         Shelley, you -- you saved my life!

               Shelley stares blankly at Stan.

                                     STAN
                         And yet, you've done so much more 
                         than that. Today, you've taught me 
                         the meaning of family.

               Shelley continues to stare blankly at Stan.

                                     STAN
                         Sure, families don't always get along. 
                         But when the forces of evil descend 
                         upon us, we conquer them. By sticking 
                         together.

               Shelley continues to stare. Stan goes to hug his sister.

               SOCK! Shelley decks Stan right in the mouth. She proceeds to 
               give him the beating of a life time.

               Rats pull Kenny apart.

                                                                  FADE OUT:

                                      END OF ACT II

                                         EPILOGUE

               EXT. SCHOOL - DAY

               Establishing shot.

               INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Everyone, let's give Casey and his 
                         weed a big hand. Okay, Kyle we're 
                         ready to see your science project.

                                     KYLE
                         Well, our pig hasn't given birth 
                         yet, but she should any time now.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh well then I guess you get an F.

               Okay Terrance I know the class can hardly wait to see your 
               science fair project.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Thank you Mr. Garrison.

               Fosse and Bill wheel in a large cage covered by a cloth.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Boys, Mr. Garrison, fellow students. 
                         For our science fair project, Bill, 
                         Fosse and I have spawned a creature 
                         genetically far superior to man. I 
                         present to you --

               Fosse and Bill rip away the cloth.

                                     TERRANCE
                         ...The five-assed monkey!

               Inside the cage is the formerly four-assed monkey, now with 
               a fifth ass. The ape now looks absolutely furious.

               Everyone APPLAUDS. Terrance and the boys bow.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh Mr. Hat isn't it beautiful.

                                     KYLE
                         Wait, Wait, the pig just gave birth, 
                         it had a baby!!!

               Cartman and Kyle carry in a large cage, but we can't quite 
               see what's inside. The class gathers around to look. Many 
               "Oohs" and "Wow's are heard.

                                     KIDS
                         What's it look like?

                                     KYLE
                         Does it look like a pig or an 
                         elephant?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, it kinda looks like Mr. Garrison.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, gee. Isn't that an amazing 
                         coincidence? What are the odds of 
                         that?

                                     STAN
                         Hmmn!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         You boys get first prize!

               Fluffy stands proud of her offspring. Cartman looks down at 
               her with a little glow around his head.

                                     CARTMAN
                         That'll do pig.

                                         THE END

An elephant makes love to a pig



Writers :   Matt Stone  Trey Parker  Dan Sterling
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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