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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 316


                          "ARE YOU THERE GOD? IT'S ME, JESUS!"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [South Park, Main Street, day. Kyle, Stan, and Kenny walk towards 
               Tom's Rhinplasty. Some adults walk by them as a station wagon 
               rolls by. On the buildings are posters of Father Time and Baby 
               New Year.]
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, what are we gonna do for New Year's 
                         Eve? It has to be awesome.
 
                                     KYLE
                         I know. It's probably gonna be the biggest 
                         night of our lives!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          You guys! You guys!  Guess what?

                                     KYLE
                         What, fatass?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I've become a man! I started puberty, 
                         you guys! 
 
                                     KENNY
                         (...What?)

                                     STAN
                         No you didn't!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes! I really did.

                                     STAN
                         How do you know?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, because yesterday I got my period. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         You got your what?

                                     CARTMAN
                         My period, you guys. You see, there 
                         comes a time in every child's life when 
                         they grow up and nature takes its course 
                         by having you bleed out your ass for 
                         a few days every month.
 
                                     STAN
                         You're making that up!  Miss Aliton, 
                         what's it mean to get a period?
 
                                     MISS ALITON
                         Well boys, ah-I don't think I can tell 
                         you. Ah-
 
                                     STAN
                         Please, it's important.

                                     MISS ALITON
                         Well, it's when puberty hits and you 
                         bleed, you know, down there. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Holy shit, dude! Cartman's right! 
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well guys, I'm afraid I won't be able 
                         to hang out with you on New Year's Eve. 
                         I have to hang out with the older crowd 
                         because now, I'm ma-ture.  I got my 
                         period, and you guys didn't. I got my 
                         period, and you guys didn't. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, Cartman can't hit puberty before 
                         us.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well, maybe we'll get ours soon, too. 
                         I'm gonna go and see if I'm bleeding 
                         out my ass.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Me too.)

               [TV 4 News Flash]

                                     ANCHORMAN
                         In local news, a stomach virus is going 
                         around that is causing bleeding of the 
                         colon in some small children. Doctors 
                         are telling parents that the virus is 
                         nothing to worry about and that the 
                         infections can be dealt with with simple 
                         antibiotics.  Well, it's just four days 
                         until New Year's Eve, 1999. The new 
                         millennium is almost upon us, and all 
                         over the world people have started to 
                         celebrate by dancing, singing, and killing 
                         one another.  But probably the biggest 
                         event of the millennium is one happening 
                         in South Park, Colorado, where people 
                         have gathered for a chance to see Jesus 
                         Christ. Craig Netzel is standing by.
 
                         
               [Reporter Craig Netzel in South Park. Television cameras are 
               verywhere]
 
                                     CRAIG
                         Thanks, Tom. It is indeed four days 
                         until the new millennium, and hundreds 
                         if not thousands of people have come 
                         from all over the world seeking Jesus, 
                         here at his house in South Park.  Everyone 
                         is giddy with anticipation for Jesus 
                         to come out, because as we all know, 
                         if Jesus comes out of his house and 
                         is not scared by his shadow, it means 
                         the next thousand years will be full 
                         of peace and love.  Oh, it looks like 
                         Jesus might be coming out! 
 
                                     WOMAN
                          Oh look, Tommy. There he is. Can you 
                         see him?
 
                                     BOY
                         He's neat, Mommy. 

                                     CRAIG
                          Everyone is quiet here, Tom. Looks 
                         like the little fellow's a bit nervous. 
                          But he has taken another step out, 
                         Tom! This is great new for us!
 
                                     JESUS
                         Uh-mmm, um what are you people doing? 
                          Can I help you with something? 
 
                                     CRAIG
                         ...Well, it's... the millennium, Jesus.
 
                         
                                     JESUS
                         Uuh-huh?

                                     CRAIG
                         Well, it's "The Millennium"

                                     MAN 1
                         Yeah.

                                     MAN 2
                         Yeah.

                                     MAN 3
                         Yeah.

                                     CAMERAMAN
                         Right.

                                     JESUS
                         So, what happens at the millennium?
 
                         
                                     CRAIG
                         ...I don't know.

                                     JIMBO
                         We thought you did.

                                     "Y2K" MAN
                         Yeah, you're supposed to know!

                                     MAN 4
                         Yeah!

                                     MAN 5
                         Yeah, you're Jesus.

                                     MAN 6
                         Hey!

                                     MAN 5
                         -You're the one in control.

                                     JESUS
                         Oh. Well. Yea. Believe in me and ye 
                         shall find peace.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Yeah yeah yeah, we've heard that crap 
                         for about 2000 years now! We wanna hear 
                         some'in' new! It's the year 2000, for 
                         Christ's sake!
 
                                     CROWD
                         Yeah!

                                     JESUS
                         Well, what do ya want?

                                     FR. MAXI
                         We want to see God!

                                     RANDY
                         Yeah, with our own eyes.

                                     CROWD
                         Yeah!

                                     JIMBO
                         We followed blindly for thousands of 
                         years and we think the least God can 
                         do is show up for New Year's Eve 1999!
 
                         
                                     CROWD
                         Yeah!

                                     WOMAN
                         That's right!

                                     JESUS
                         Oh. Uuuh, llet me think about that for 
                         a minute. 
 
                                     MAN WITH PICKET SIGN
                          Is that good?

                                     MAN 7
                         I don't know.

                                     MAN 8
                         I don't know. Is that good or not?
 
                         
               [The Marsh house, living room. The phone rings and Stan goes 
               to answer it.]
 
                                     STAN
                         Hello?

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, did you get your period yet?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         No, there's no blood coming out of my 
                         ass.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Mine neither. But I double-checked, 
                         and Cartman was right. Your period is 
                         the start of puberty.
 
                                     STAN
                         Well, if Cartman is the only one who 
                         get it and he thinks he's too grown-up 
                         to hang out with us on New Year's eve, 
                         then screw him anyways.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah.

               [The McCormick shack, the restroom. Kenny reads from the South 
               Park Enquirer on the pot. A stool drops into the toilet, and 
               Kenny gets up to check it out]
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Woohoo!  Woohoooo!)

               [Al's Pharmacy. Inside, the boys check out various tampons. Cartman 
               looks over a box of Breeze tampons]
 
                                     STAN
                         Come on, Cartman, we have to make plans 
                         for New Year's.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hold your horses, guys. This is very 
                         important for mature people.  Let's 
                         see. Offers complete protection during 
                         heavy flow, hm.  Lessee, might slow 
                         stoppage of vaginal chunks, eh.  Oh, 
                         this one's got wings, you guys!
 
                                     KENNY
                          (You guys! You guys, I did it! I got 
                         my very own period!)
 
               Cartman	[pleased] You did?

                                     KYLE
                         You got your period too, Kenny?

                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah, it was awesome! I was just sitting 
                         down and then I got my period!)
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well welcome to the club, Kenny. You 
                         got your period, so now you're a man. 
                         We can hang out together on New Year's 
                         eve.  But first you need to buy some 
                         Maxi pads to stuff in the back of your 
                         pants so you don't get blood on your 
                         underwear.
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Woo-hoo!)

               [Jesus' house. The crowd awaits his decision. Inside, Jesus paces 
               the floor]
 
                                     CRAIG
                          Tom, it looked for a second as if Jesus 
                         was going to come out of his house, 
                         but then he went back inside. But meanwhile, 
                         more and more people are showing up 
                         to show their support for Jesus. 
 
                         
               It's the end

               of the

               MILLENIUM

               Please don't

               kill us

               JESUS

               [Jesusu looks in wonder]

                                     RANCHER
                          Well, the way I see it, if he really 
                         is who he says he is, well then he'd 
                         better do some'in' on New Year's eve, 
                         'cause it's in the Bible!
 
                                     JESUS
                          Father, I need to talk to you. Please, 
                         Father, appear to me. 
 
                                     GOD
                          What is it, my child?

                                     JESUS
                         Father, everyone is starting to pay 
                         attention to me again because of the 
                         new millennium. Huh-I'm kinda making 
                         a comeback!
 
                                     GOD
                         Yea, like John Travolta before you. 
                         You are experiencing a second revival.
 
                         
                                     JESUS
                         It's the millennium, Father. People 
                         want to see you.
 
                                     GOD
                         Nay, their eyes are not yet prepared 
                         to see the likes of me.
 
                                     JESUS
                         But dad, I think this may be my one 
                         big shot at a comeback.
 
                                     GOD
                         Be ye careful of pride, Jesus.

                                     JESUS
                         Just make an appearance. You can come 
                         down, sey 'hi' to a few people and can 
                         be back by 12:30.
 
                                     GOD
                         I'm sorry, my son, but if you want to 
                         earn everyone's love, you will have 
                         to do it yourself.
 
               [The Broflovski house, living room, day. Ike is playing with 
               a set of blocks. Kyle approaches him.]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Ike, can I talk to you? 

                                     IKE
                         Uh ar, stufid.

                                     KYLE
                         Ike, I don't know what to do. All the 
                         guys are getting their periods, and 
                         I don't think I am. I can't be the last 
                         one to get it. I just can't!
 
                                     IKE
                         Whoa won toooo-reeee.

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman got his, then Kenny. What if 
                         tomorrow Stan says he got his and I'm 
                         left out? I might not even get to be 
                         their friend anymore.
 
                                     IKE
                         No. Martur sucker. Moghee. Muckeh m'gwoss. 
                         Tabyudog.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah! I could just say I got my period! 
                         It's not like they'll check. I can just 
                         say I got my period, 'cause I really 
                         will get it someday! It's not really 
                         lying, it's just jumping the gun a little.
 
                         
                                     IKE
                         Cokeh mocker.

                                     KYLE
                          Thanks a lot, Ike!

               [The bus stop, day. Stan, Kenny and Cartman are haning out there.]
 
               
                                     STAN
                         So you guys aren't gonna spend New Year's 
                         eve with us?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Look, Kenny and I are mature now. We 
                         can't spend New Year's eve with a couple 
                         of kids. Did you get your Maxi pads, 
                         Kenny?
 
                                     KENNY
                         (No. All I could get was a couple of 
                         tampons.)
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Tampon? What's a tampon?

                                     KENNY
                         (See, a tampon is what you stick up 
                         your ass so you don't bleed.)
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ew, doesn't that hurt?

                                     KENNY
                         (I dunno.)

                                     KYLE
                          You guys! I got my period, too!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Wow, cool!

                                     STAN
                          You did?

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah!  I was just hanging out in my 
                         room, and then I perioded all over the 
                         place.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         All right! You have to be in me and 
                         Kenny's club, then. My mom gave me this 
                         "Women Who Run With The Wolves" book 
                         and I'm finding out all about our goddess 
                         powers.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Awesome! We get powers?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah! Come on, we can set everything 
                         up in my clubhouse and get ready for 
                         New Year's eve!  Hey, don't feel bad, 
                         Stan. Some of us just mature a little 
                         later than others. 
 
               [Stan's room, night. He's ready for bed, but sits at his desk 
               with pencil and paper at the ready. He picks the pencil up and 
               writes]
 
                                     STAN
                         Are you there, God?

               
               It's me, Stan. If you wouldn't mind, I don't wanna be the only 
               kid who doesn't get his period before the new year. Could you 
               speed up my development a little? Thanks, God.
 
               
               Your friend,

               Stan 

               [He sets his pencil down and goes to bed]

               [Jesus' house, outside, night. The camera crews and crowd keep 
               vigil. One window on the house is lit from within]
 
                                     JESUS
                         Are you there, God?

               
               It's me, Jesus. I feel like I've got a real shot at a comeback, 
               God. For whatever reason, people are starting to follow me again. 
               I'm 2000 years old, but I feel like I'm 28 again! I think I'm 
               going to win everybody back, because I just made a few phone 
               calls, and I'm going to put on the most amazing New Year's spectacle 
               this world has ever seen! 
 
               [The Marsh house, Stan's room, day. An alarm goes off, and Terrance 
               and Phillip are heard.]
 
                                     PHILLIP
                          Oh God, you're smelly!

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Good morning, South Park, it's 8 a.m., 
                          and only two more days until the new 
                         millennium! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Damnit! Damnit damnit damnit!

                                     SHARON
                         Stanley, honey, what's the matter?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          I'm not bleeding out my aahass!

                                     SHARON
                         Well, that's good, honey.

                                     STAN
                         No it's not! It's terrible!  Are you 
                         there, God? It's me, Stan. How come 
                         you didn't help me? I know you're really 
                         busy with things, but this is a matter 
                         of life and death. If I don't get my 
                         period, my friends won't let me hang 
                         out with them on New Year's eve. Please, 
                         please give me my period soon.
 
               [Jesus' house, day, one day before New Year's eve. The camera 
               crews and crowd keep vigil. A woman yawns, and the front door 
               opens again]
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Here he comes!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         He's coming out!

                                     JESUS
                          ...I have given it much thought, my children, 
                         and you are right. After reviewing the 
                         Bible, it does indeed say that something 
                         very big is going to happen at the millennium. 
                          I have spoken to my Father in heaven, 
                         and he agreed that the millennium is 
                         significant to all of us. And ye who 
                         believe in me SHALL be rewarded!  So 
                         what we're going to do tomorrow night, 
                         New Year's Eve, 1999: we just got ROD 
                         STEWART to agree to play a comeback 
                         concert at the Rio Hotel and Casino 
                         in Las Vegas, and you're all going! 
                         
 
                                     MAN
                         ...We knew you could do it, Jesus! 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well, I'd better book my ass a flight 
                         to Vegas! 
 
                                     FR. MAXI
                         

               For he is Savior

               For he is Lord

                                     CROWD
                         He gives me hope when

               I have only been bored

               And he lifts me up with

               His gentle arm...

               [The Ewok Village 2000. Catman, Kyle, and Kenny sit in a circle 
               with candles next to them.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Okay, is everyone accounted for? Goddess 
                         Wind?
 
                                     KYLE
                          Here.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Goddess Moon? Goddess Moon?!

                                     KENNY
                          (Damnit, here!)

                                     CARTMAN
                         And I'm here, Goddess Earthly Delight. 
                         So this is the first meeting of our 
                         club for teens who have gotten their 
                         periods. We're supposed to talk about 
                         our periods. And boys. Let's talk about 
                         boys first. I think Craig is pretty 
                         cool, but I don't think Clyde is very 
                         cool.
 
                                     KYLE
                         I think Clyde is kind of cool, but Craig 
                         is definitely cooler than Clyde.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Yes, I agree. I think Craig is a thousand 
                         times as cool as Clyde. There doesn't 
                         really seem to be a doubt.)
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, that settles that. Now let's talk 
                         about our periods. Kyle, you first.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Oh. Ah-ah. Ah-uh-m-m.

                                     CARTMAN
                         What's the matter, Kyle?

                                     KYLE
                         Nothing. Um , my period is really uuuh... 
                          Uuuh, my period is going swimmingly.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         ...Okay, that makes sense. Mine is going 
                         swimmingly, too.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (And mine too.)

                                     KYLE
                          Phew.

               [Chef's house. Stan walks up and knocks]

                                     CHEF
                          Oh, hello Stan.

                                     STAN
                          Hey, Chef.

                                     CHEF
                         How's it going?

                                     STAN
                         Bad.

                                     CHEF
                         Why bad?

                                     STAN
                         Can I come in?

                                     CHEF
                         Well, sure.  Now, what's the matter, 
                         little cracker?
 
                                     STAN
                         Chef, I have ...this friend, see? And 
                         this person is really bummed out, because 
                         everyone else the same age has gotten 
                         their period, and this person hasn't.
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         OOH, you're talkin' about your older 
                         sister, Shelley.
 
                                     STAN
                         No.

                                     CHEF
                         Your little girlfriend, Wendy.

                                     STAN
                         Look, it doesn't matter who it is. The 
                         point is that everyone else got their 
                         period and this person hasn't.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Look, Stan. Do you really know what 
                         a period is?
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, Cartman told us.

                                     CHEF
                         Stan, let me sing you a little song 
                         about the menstrual cycle. I think it 
                         might clear things up for you. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Okay.

                                     CHEF
                         Ooo baby, yeah baby, ooo baby.

               Yeah baby, yeah baby, now baby.

               Ooo yeah, yes yes baby

               Yeahyeahyeah, uh-huh baby now

               Agh! Agh! Awww! No, baby!

               Ewww, baby! No, no!

               Alright now—I'm alright, I'm-I'm cool, it's okay.

               Uh alright, wwatch out for the bedspread, baby.

               Look out now, it's- alright, I'll tell you what.

               Uuh, how about uuh, uh.

               Why don't I call you next week?

               And that's my song abourt the menstrual cycle, Stan. Did that 
               clear things up for you?
 
                                     STAN
                          ...So what you're saying is, this person 
                         shouldn't be bummed becuase everybody 
                         has their period at a different time.
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         ...Is that what I said?

                                     STAN
                         But it's not fair! It's not fair that 
                         one day you're on top, that you're the 
                         coolest kid in town, and then the next 
                         day you're at the bottom again, 'cause 
                         everyone has blood coming out their 
                         ass but you, and if I can't menstruate, 
                         then by God, I'm not gonna sit around 
                         and be the only periodless 8-year old 
                         boy! I'm gonna do someting about it! 
                         
 
                                     CHEF
                         Whoa! I musta missed a WHOLE middle 
                         part there.
 
               [Rod Stweart's mansion, day. Jesus sits on a leather sofa with 
               Stewart's agent. Around them are Grammys, some pictures of Stewart 
               and framed gold records]
 
                                     AGENT
                         I can't tell you how excited Rod Stewart 
                         is about this millennium concert. He's 
                         gotten a little older, but you're gonna 
                         see how much he can still rock.
 
                                     JESUS
                         Hoh, I'm excited too. I think it will 
                         bring my Father's children back to their 
                         faith and back to mine eyes, for I an 
                         the Lamb of God.
 
                                     AGENT
                         Yeah t-and uh, you know, Rod is a seasoned 
                         veteran, so I'm gonna have to ask for 
                         a bit more cash, but we could talk about 
                         that leter; here comes Rod now. 
 
                                     ROD
                         Hullo-o-o.

                                     JESUS
                          Hey, Rod, great to see you.

                                     ROD
                         Oh.

                                     JESUS
                         Uh, the folks are sure glad you're playing. 
                         It's really given them a lot of faith 
                         in me again. I'm sure that together, 
                         we can make this millennium party the 
                         best New Year's bash ever!
 
                                     ROD
                         Pooped pants.

                                     JESUS
                         What?

                                     ROD
                         Pooped pants.

                                     JESUS
                         Poo pants?

                                     ROD
                         Pooped 'nmuh pants.

                                     JESUS
                         Yuh you pooped your pants?

                                     ROD
                         Pooped in my pants.

                                     JESUS
                         Oh Uh-n nurse? Mr. Stewart has apparently 
                         pooped his pants?
 
                                     ROD
                         Again?!  Now, Mr. Stewart, what did 
                         we say about trying to hold in Mr. Dookie? 
                         
 
               [Genetic Engineering Ranch, night]

                                     DR. MEPHESTO
                          Yes, puberty is a very wonderful thing, 
                         Stan. It'w what links us all together, 
                         makes us one.
 
                                     STAN
                         But what happens if there's someone 
                         who never went through puberty.
 
                                     DR. MEPHESTO
                         Never went through puberty? Who never 
                         went through puberty?
 
                                     STAN
                         Nn-nobody! I mean, uh, well, m-my dad.
 
                         
                                     DR. MEPHESTO
                         Your father never went through puberty?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         No. And uh, that's why he sent me here; 
                         'cause he's too embarassed to come himself.
 
                         
                                     DR. MEPHESTO
                         Oh, I can't say that I blame him.

                                     STAN
                         So do you know anything that can help 
                         him?
 
                                     DR. MEPHESTO
                         Well, I should think the most logical 
                         solution would be... hormones.
 
                                     STAN
                         Hormones? 

                                     DR. MEPHESTO
                         Yes!  Here, and tell your father to 
                         take just one of these pills every week. 
                         It could be just what he needs. And 
                         be sure to tell him that his secret 
                         is safe with me.
 
                                     STAN
                         Thanks a lot, Dr. Mephesto. You're the 
                         best! 
 
                                     DR. MEPHESTO
                         My pleasure. I just love helping people.
 
                         
               [The Ewok Village 2000, next day. Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny have 
               reassembled.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Now, for our first club activity, we're 
                         supposed to reach into this little dish 
                         and pull out a word. We look at the 
                         word and think about what that word 
                         means to us. 
 
                                     KYLE
                          Okay. Today's word is "spirituality." 
                         What that means to me is uh- 
 
                                     STAN
                          Hey assholes! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, look. It's that little boy who hasn't 
                         gotten his period yet.
 
                                     STAN
                          Don't you worry about that! I've started 
                         taking hormones!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hormones?

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, they make you have your puberty 
                         quicker. And I'm just here to tell you 
                         that my puberty is gonna be bigger than 
                         any of you guys's!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, I don't think 8-year olds are 
                         supposed to take hormones.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, you shouldn't force your period, 
                         Stan. You should let it come, like the 
                         morning dew.
 
                                     STAN
                         So what are we gonna do for New Year's?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, we're going with our families 
                         to Las Vegas. I guess there'll be some 
                         younger kids there, too, if you wanna 
                         go.
 
                                     STAN
                          Aaaargh. I'm gonna go take some more 
                         hormones. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Now, the word is "spirituality." I believe 
                         that the goddess in me is my spirituality 
                         because she-
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Ooooowwwwwwwhh.) 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Quiet, Kenny. The goddess lives in all 
                         of us and has-
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Oh- ooowww!)

                                     CARTMAN
                         God damnit, Kenny, shut the hell up!
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Aaaaaa!) 

                                     KYLE
                         Whoa, dude!

               [Hell's Pass Hospital. An ambulance is parked outside. Inside, 
               the McCormick parents sit in the waiting room holding hands]
 
               
                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         Mr. and Ms. McCormick.

                                     MCCORMICK PARENTS
                         Yes?

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         I'm sorry. We... couldn't save your son.
 
                         
                                     MS. MCCORMICK
                          Oh my God, my little Kenny's gone. 
                         I can't believe it.
 
                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         We just didn't get to him in time. There's 
                         nothing we could do.
 
                                     STUART
                         What happened? What killed him, doctor?
 
                         
                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         Well, we found a... tampon stuck up your 
                         child's ass. Apparently, he'd had it 
                         up there for several days. It plugged 
                         him up until he finally burst from the 
                         inside out like a ruptured septic tank.
 
                         
                                     MS. MCCORMICK
                          Oh my God.

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         My worry is that he could have been 
                         following some kind of crazy new fad. 
                         Perhaps the children are all shoving 
                         tampons up their ass because they've 
                         seen the Backstreet Boys doing it on 
                         TV or something.
 
                                     MS. MCCORMICK
                          Gi-ih 

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         We must get to the bottom of this! ...if 
                         you'll pardon the pun. But actually, 
                         right now, I've got to carch a plane 
                         to Las Vegas to see the Rod Stewart 
                         Millennium Show.
 
                                     STUART
                         Rod Stewart's gonna be in Vegas?

               [Las Vegas, night. Klieg lights search the sky as a large crowd 
               gathers for the concert. Craig Netzel is on scene]
 
                                     CRAIG
                         Tom, I'm here live in Las Vegas, where 
                         tomorrow night THE New Year's Eve event 
                         is going to happen. Jesus Christ, our 
                         Lord and Savior, is presenting Rod Stewart, 
                         the undisputed King of Pop, right here 
                         at this hotel behind me.  It looks as 
                         though Jesus really has come through. 
                          Everyone is very excited, because rumor 
                         has it that God Himself is gonna show 
                         up to the event.
 
                                     JESUS
                          What??

                                     CRAIG
                         How about you, ma'am? Do you think God 
                         is gonna show up tomorrow night?
 
                                     MA'AM
                          Of course he is. This is Jesus we're 
                         talking about. He wouldn't let us down.
 
                         
                                     JESUS
                          Oh no! Are you there, God? Father, 
                         will you please reconsider and show 
                         up tomorrow?  ...Hello?
 
               [New Year's Eve, morning. Stan's radio alarm goes off]

                                     SHARON
                         Stanley.  Wake up, honey. It's time 
                         to leave for Las Vegas. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Who-o-oa, du-ude. I've got boobs.

               [Las Vegas, New Year's Eve, 1999, night. The stage area. The 
               crowds erupts in anticipation]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hey, Las Vegas is a pretty cool place 
                         for us mature people. 
 
                                     JESUS
                         Alright, people. Are we ready to rock 
                         the millennium?!  Father in heaven, 
                         please let tonight's show go well. Please 
                         make them like it.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Hey, here comes Stan.

                                     STAN
                          Have I missed anything?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Wow, Stan, you really got some nice 
                         titties there.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Did you get your period yet, Stan?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         No. I didn't, but-

                                     CARTMAN
                         Buh- Don't worry. You'll get it someday. 
                         Come on, Kyle. Let's go see what kind 
                         of tampons they have here in Las Vegas. 
                         
 
                                     JESUS
                         Well, I tell you one thing. I sure as 
                         heck am excited. We've got about four 
                         hours to the new year, and so I think 
                         it's time to START IT UP! Ladies and 
                         gentelmen, as promised, Mr. Rod "Do 
                         You Think I'm Sexy?" Stewart! 
 
                                     ROD
                         O-o-oh.  O-oh.  O-o-o-oh. Be-eh-o-o-or. 
                         
 
                                     JIMBO
                          Whoa, man.

                                     ROD
                         Oh. Uh pooped 'em. 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         This sucks balls!

                                     BLONDE
                         Yeah!

                                     MAN 7
                         Alright, enough of this! Bring out God!
 
                         
                                     MAN 9
                         Yeah!

                                     JESUS
                         Oh no.

                                     CROWD
                         We want God! We want God! We want God!
 
                         
                                     JESUS
                          Please, Father. Do something.

                                     CROWD
                         We want God!

                                     JESUS
                          Uh, folks, I'm afraid God can't make 
                         it tonight.
 
                                     RANDY
                         We came all the way to Las Vegas for 
                         this?!
 
                                     WOMAN
                         This is the worst New Year's ever! Thanks 
                         a lot, Jesus!
 
                                     SKEETER
                         Llet's get him! 

               [Craig Netzel with some breaking news. The crowd has begun to 
               riot.]
 
                                     CRAIG
                         Well, Tom, I'm here live in Las Vegas 
                         in what is quickly becoming known as 
                         "the gayest party ever." Everyone is 
                         so outraged that they are building a 
                         large cross in which to once again crucify 
                         our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Jesus, why does God hate me?

                                     JESUS
                         Huh? He doesn't hate you, he hates me. 
                         He's gonna let me be crucified again.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         He hates me more. He doesn't answer 
                         my prayers. I prayed to him every day 
                         and he never answered me.
 
                                     JESUS
                         Well, yeah, but just because God doesn't 
                         answer your prayers doesn't mean he 
                         doesn't care about you.
 
                                     STAN
                         Well then, why didn't he give me what 
                         I wanted?
 
                                     JESUS
                         Well, God can't just answer every prayer 
                         and suddenly give you everything you 
                         want. That takes all the living out 
                         of life.
 
                                     STAN
                         What do you mean?

                                     JESUS
                         If God answered all our prayers, there'd 
                         be nothing left for us to do ourselves. 
                         Life is about problems, and overcoming 
                         those problems.  A-and growing and learning 
                         from obstacles. If God just fixed everything 
                         for us, then there'd be no point in 
                         our existence.  That's why he wouldn't 
                         show up to my New Year's party.
 
                                     STAN
                         I just wanted my period.

                                     JESUS
                         I get it now, Father. I had to learn 
                         all this on my own.  I was overcome 
                         with my new popularity and, and I let 
                         pride get in the way of good judgment. 
                         
 
                                     MAN
                         Whoa, what is that??

                                     JESUS
                          It's Dad.

                                     FR. MAXI
                         God? God is going to show himself??
 
                         
                                     WOMAN
                         Look, I can see him. 

                                     JESUS
                         Father. You came.

                                     GOD
                         Now look upon Me, My children, and know 
                         Me.  Be ye not afraid.  Blessed art 
                         thou, my children. 
 
                                     RANDY
                         That's God?

                                     JESUS
                         Yea, 'tis my Father, the Creator. He 
                         is the Alpha and the Omega.  The Beginning 
                         and the End.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well, yeah, but that??

                                     GOD
                         What did you expect me to look like, 
                         My son?
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          ...Well not like that!

                                     GOD
                         Since it is the end of the first 2000 
                         years, I will allow you, My children, 
                         to ask me one question.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          One question?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Only one?

                                     SHARON
                         What should we ask him?

                                     CHEF
                         We have to think carefully. We can ask 
                         him anything we want, like, "What's 
                         the meaning of life?" or "Why are we 
                         here?".
 
                                     STAN
                         I have it. I have the question.  Now 
                         you have to answer me once and for all! 
                         How come I haven't gotten my period 
                         yet?! 
 
                                     GOD
                          My child, you are a boy. Boys do not 
                         get periods. That's only for girls. 
                         Your friends were bleeding a little 
                         bit out of their asses because of an 
                         acute colon infection. And your friend 
                         Kyle simply lied about it.
 
                                     KYLE
                          How do know that?

                                     GOD
                         You will hit puberty when the time is 
                         right. But you will never have a period, 
                         because you are a man — with titties. 
                         Thus spaketh the Lord. And now I return 
                         to heaven. 
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Hey, wait! That doesn't count as our 
                         question, does it??
 
                                     GOD
                         I'll answer another on New Year's Eve, 
                         in the year 4000. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Did you hear that everybody? I'm not 
                         even supposed to have my period; that's 
                         why God wasn't answering me before! 
                          Boy, I'm sure everything worked out 
                         okay.  I guess now we can all celebrate 
                         the New Year, huh?
 
               Should auld acquaintance be forgot [end credits roll]

               And never brought to mind?

               Should auld acquaintance be forgot

               And auld lang syne?

               For auld lang syne, my dear,

               For auld lang syne...

                                     SKEETER
                         Llet's get him.

                                     STAN
                         Let's have a cup o-Aaaa! 

               [End of Are You There God? It's Me, Jesus.]

Are You There God, It's Me, Jesus!



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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