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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 602


                                       "ASSPEN"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [Butters' house, night, kitchen. Linda is serving drinks. The 
               Marshes and the Broflovskis are at table. Sheila holds Ike on 
               her lap]
 
                                     SHARON
                         Thanks for having us all over for dinner, 
                         Chris and Linda.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Yes, it was fabulous.

                                     LINDA
                         Oh, we're just really happy that your 
                         boys have become such good friends with 
                         our little Butters.
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Yeah. We figure that if our boys are 
                         goona be great friends, we should all 
                         get to be friends, too.
 
                                     LINDA
                         Freinds, by default. 

                                     RANDY
                         Well, our boys do seem to be spending 
                         a lot of time together lately. I think 
                         ever since their friend Kenny died they've 
                         been looking for someone to fill the 
                         void.
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Well, our son is a perfect void-filler. 
                         It's nice that he finally has your sons 
                         to be his best buddies!
 
               [Butters' house, living room. The four boys sit on the sofa looking 
               at television, except Butters is asleep at one end]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Look you guys, Butters is asleep.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         He's such a douchebag

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey! Have you guys ever seen this trick? 
                          When someone's sleeping, you can take 
                         a glass of warm water,  and you put 
                         their hand in it... 
 
                                     STAN
                          Yeah, and then what?

                                     CARTMAN
                         And then, you pee on it!  heheh, heheheheheheheh.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         No, dude, you're supposed to put their 
                         hand in warm water and it makes them 
                         pee.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh, really? ...Oh well, heh, heheheheh, 
                         heh
 
               [Butters' house, kitchen. Conversation goes on]

                                     CHRIS
                         And we were thinking, since they've 
                         all become such close friends, how great 
                         it would be for us to all go together 
                         to Aspen for a ski weekend.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         A-Aspen? Ohhh, we, we can't really afford 
                         that.
 
                                     CHRIS
                         No, you see, Linda and I found this 
                         ad where you can get two night free 
                         at a condo in Aspen if you attend a 
                         time-share presentation..
 
                                     RANDY
                         They let you stay for free?

                                     CHRIS
                         Yes! And all we have to do is attend 
                         a thirty-minute meeting!
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Well that sounds like a good deal.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Sounds good to me; let's go this weekend.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh boy! Skiing in Aspen! I can't wait! 
                         
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Hey boys! We're all going to Aspen fior 
                         the weekend!
 
                                     STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN
                         All right! 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Wow, a ski trip with my new best buddies! 
                          Oh, I'm all sticky. 
 
               [The Rocky Mountains, day. Chris Stotch drives all three families 
               and Cartman off to Aspen]
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Here we are, everyone. 

               [Fade in, next morning. The adults sit around a coffee table 
               while the kids sit at the dining table eating breakfast behnd 
               them. The adults are getting dressed for the day]
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh, this is gonna be so much fun; I 
                         haven't skied in years!
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Where are Butters and Eric?

                                     STAN
                         They're still asleep.

                                     CHRIS
                         Butters? Eric? Come on! We gotta get 
                         to the powder! 
 
                                     MAN
                          Hello, folks, I'm Phil and this is 
                         Josh . We're with the Aspen Time-Share 
                         Company. 
 
                                     THE PARENTS
                         Hello.

                                     JOSH
                         You folks enjoying the condo?

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         It's lovely. Thank you.

               [The dining table]

                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys, you guys! You're not gonna 
                         believe this, this is sooo funny!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         What

                                     CARTMAN
                         So last night, while Butters was asleep, 
                         I gave him a Hitler.
 
                                     STAN
                         What's a Hitler?

                                     CARTMAN
                         You know, when somebody is sleeping 
                         and you put your finger up your butt 
                         and then, wipe it on their upper lip 
                         to give them a little Hitler mustache? 
                         You've never Hitlered anyone?
 
                                     STAN
                         No, I never have.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Shh-shh, here he comes.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Goooood mornin', fellas! All set to 
                         go skiin'?  A-huh, u-uh, uh what's so 
                         funny?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Nothing, Butters. Right, guys??

               [The front door]

                                     PHIL
                         Well, we can't wait to show you what 
                         Aspen Time-Share is offering investors. 
                         Shall we do our thirty-minute meeting?
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Oh, do we have to do it right now?
 
                         
                                     JOSH
                         Well, best to do it and get it out of 
                         the way.
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Okay. 

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Boys, we have to go to this time-share 
                         presentation real quick, but you go 
                         meet your ski instructor on the bunny 
                         hill.
 
                                     THE BOYS
                         Okay.

                                     CHRIS
                         We'll meet you boys on the slopes. 
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hey, do you guys smell that?

                                     STAN
                         Smell what?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Ehh, it kind of smells stinky in this 
                         condo. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't smell anythng. Do you guys? 
                         
 
               [Music fades in. Exterior shots of the resort are shown .The 
               bunny slope is shown. Lifts go up and down as kids practice skiing 
               moves. The four boys and Ike are shown waiting for their instructor.]
 
               
                                     BUTTERS
                         Do you guys smell that? It smells bad 
                         out here, too. I'm starting to think 
                         this whole town smells like doodoo.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, well, that why they call is Asspen. 
                         
 
                                     SKIER
                         All right, little dudes,  great to see 
                         you out here. My name is Thumper, and 
                         I'm gonna be your cool ski instructor. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          His name is Thumper?

                                     THUMPER
                         We're gonna take it slow, take it easy, 
                         make sure everybody has a goood time. 
                         'Cause what is skiing about? Having 
                         a good...?  Tiime, that's right. Now, 
                         just a few safety things to keep in 
                         mind: First of all, look straight ahead 
                         when you ski. You look down, you're 
                         gonna fall, you're gonna have a bad 
                         time. Also, be aware of skiers around 
                         you. You run into another skier, your 
                         skis are gonna cross, gonna have a bad 
                         time.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         So where's the part where we have a 
                         good time?
 
                                     THUMPER
                         Hey, little dude, you got some crap 
                         right here. 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Wuh that's my face, sir.

                                     THUMPER
                         Alright, we're gonna do this without 
                         any poles until we know our two primary 
                         feet positions. To go slow, we wedge 
                         our skis together , in the shape of 
                         a slice... of pizza. Then to go faster, 
                         we put 'em parallel, like... French 
                         fries.  You see that?  Pizza,  French 
                         fries,  Pizza,  French fries. 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Ah hey, this is gonna be just like eatin' 
                         at Shakey's, huh fellas?
 
                                     THUMPER
                         Okay, let's have the little dude at 
                         the end try first! What's your name?
 
                         
                                     IKE
                         Iiiiike!

                                     THUMPER
                         Okay, Mike, ski down to me! 

                                     KYLE
                         Go on, Ike.

                                     IKE
                          Pee-za, Fron fries. Pee-za, Fron fries. 
                         Fron friiiies.  Peeee-zaaa 
 
                                     THUMPER
                         Okay, you see what he did? He French-fried 
                         when he should've piiza'd. You French-fry 
                         when you should pizza, you're gonna 
                         have a bad time.
 
               [The meeting, meanwhile. Phil and Josh are presenting the time-share 
               plan]
 
                                     PHIL
                         And so, we think we can convince you 
                         to buy one of our combos that's opening 
                         right here in Phase 4.
 
                                     JOSH
                         That sounds like a GREAT investment 
                         opportunity!
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         I I'm sorry, but none of us can really 
                         afford to own our own vacation condo.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Yeah, and to be honest, we're just doing 
                         this meeting because of the two nights 
                         free deal.
 
                                     PHIL
                         Oh, I know, that's what everybody says 
                         - "Not me, I can't afford it." But what 
                         if I told you you could own one of our 
                         properties for only eight thousand dollars?
 
                         
                                     JOSH
                         Wow!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         For only eight thousand dollars we can 
                         buy a condo here?
 
                                     PHIL
                         Well you see, "time-share" means you 
                         buy the condo with about twenty other 
                         people like yourselves  You  "share" 
                         the condo with other investors and pick 
                         the  "time" you want to stay.
 
                                     JOSH
                          Share,  time.  Time share.

                                     RANDY
                         So then it's not really ours.

                                     PHIL
                         Sure it is, one twenty-fourth and a 
                         half yours! You see, time-share has 
                         made it possible for even working-class 
                         people like you to say, "I've got a 
                         little place in Aspen."
 
                                     JOSH
                         Try it. Try saying it. "I've got a little 
                         place in Aspen."
 
                                     THE PARENTS
                         I've got a little place in Aspen.

                                     PHIL
                         Rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? Say 
                         guys, how'd you like to tell that hot 
                         secretary "I've got a nice little place 
                         in Aspen"? Hahaha. Just kidding, wives.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                          Listen uh, it's been thirty minutes. 
                         We'd like to go hit the slopes now?
 
                         
                                     PHIL
                         Woll uh, you still gotta come to the 
                         time-share luncheon. We did give you 
                         a free condo for the weekend.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Well your ad said we only had to attend 
                         a thirty-minute meeting.
 
                                     PHIL
                         R-right, but this isn't that meeting. 
                         The luncheon is that meeting.  Don't 
                         worry, you're gonna have a great free 
                         meal at the luncheon.
 
               [Bunny slope, later.]

                                     KYLE
                          ...french fries... pizza... french 
                         fries...  come on, Cartman.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ugh, no more. 

                                     SKIER
                         Looks like you think you're a pretty 
                         good skier, huh, kid?
 
                                     STAN
                         Well I'm... catchin' on pretty fast, 
                         I guess.
 
                                     SKIER
                         I've been skiing for twenty-two years. 
                         Think you could beat me?
 
                                     STAN
                         Uhh no.

                                     SKIER
                         What's your name, hot shot? 

                                     STAN
                         Stan. Marsh.

                                     SKIER
                         Stan Marsh  Stan DARSH is more like 
                         it.
 
                                     SKIER 2
                         Haaaa, Darsh! 

                                     SKIER
                         Alright, how about a race, then? You 
                         and me.
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, I'm just learning.

                                     SKIER
                         OooooOOOOooo!  Looks to me like you're 
                         not a "hot shot" after all.
 
                                     STAN
                         I never said I was.

                                     SKIER
                         Oooooooo!

                                     SKIER'S FRIENDS
                         Oooooooo!

                                     SKIER
                         You may think you've got what it takes, 
                         but as long as I'm around, you'll always 
                         be number two!  See ya leter, Darsh! 
                         
 
               [The meeting at Aspen Heaven, later. Phil and Josh are still 
               extolling the time-share plan]
 
                                     PHIL
                         And THAT is why owning a piece of an 
                         Aspen condo is not only possible,...
 
                         
                                     JOSH
                         It's downright smart!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Aha. 

                                     PHIL
                         Op, here it is! As promised, a fabulous 
                         free lunch!
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Wow, filet mignon and lobster!

                                     SHARON
                          Not bad. 

                                     JOSH
                         It's nice to feel rich, isn't it.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh, you know, this is really great.
 
                         
                                     CHRIS
                         It sure it. 

                                     RANDY, GERALD
                         What?

                                     RANDY
                         Wait...

                                     PHIL
                         You see? That's the great thing about 
                         time-share. You get a little taste of 
                         luxuries you can't afford.
 
                                     JOSH
                         And then share it with the people who 
                         come tomorrow.
 
                                     RANDY
                         All right, look, we've been here for 
                         over three hours
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Yeah. Can we go now, please?

                                     PHIL
                         Of course you can. Go hit those slopes! 
                          If you could just please show me the 
                         backs of your table place cards real 
                         quick?  Oh my God! You got the red sticker!
 
                         
                                     JOSH
                         They got the red sticker?

                                     PHIL
                         They got the red sticker!

                                     CHRIS
                         What's the red sticker?

                                     JOSH
                         Uh, well, well, that means if you come 
                         up to the condo sales office you'll 
                         receive one of three great prizes.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         No, nononono. We, we did your meeting 
                         and we did your lunch, we're finished, 
                         okay.
 
                                     PHIL
                         Okay, okay, fine, I mean...  It would 
                         only take a second, but, I mean, you 
                         know, what did we do for you except, 
                         give you a free condo for the weekend. 
                         Huh. Seems like you coud just... could 
                         just come up... and see what prize you 
                         had... 
 
                                     CHRIS
                         A-all right!

               [The bunny slope, even later. Kyle and Stan are skiing down faster 
               now, mastering the basic pizza-French fries technique]
 
                                     STAN
                         ...pizza...French fries...Frnehc fries...pizza...
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         ...French fries...pizza...pizza...pizza-French 
                         fries... I wonder where our parents 
                         are.
 
                                     STAN
                         Who cares? I'm having more fun on my 
                         own.
 
                                     SKIER
                          well well well, if it isn't Stan Darsh!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Oh no.

                                     SKIER
                         Say Darsh, you don't mind if I take 
                         Heather out for some fondue tonight, 
                         do ya?
 
                                     STAN
                         Heather? 

                                     HEATHER
                         Sorry, Stan, it's just that when it 
                         comes to skiing, Tad has all the right 
                         moves.
 
                                     TAD
                         I just might show her my moves tonight, 
                         if you know what I mean. 
 
                                     HEATHER
                         You aren't mad, are you, Stan? I mean, 
                         a girl's gotta look out for her best 
                         interests.
 
                                     STAN
                          ...who are you people?!

                                     TAD
                         Still don't wanna race me? I told you 
                         he was chicken, Heather. Stan Marsh 
                         the Darsh! 
 
                                     STAN
                         All right dude, if I race you will you 
                         leave me alone?
 
                                     TAD AND FRIENDS
                         Oooooooo!

                                     TAD
                         Allright, fine. You and me at the summit, 
                         now!
 
                                     STAN
                         Okay.

                                     TAD'S TWO FRIENDS
                         Race! Race!

               [Ski run, moments later. A view from the bottom shows a long 
               run, and the resort's main buildings off to the right near the 
               finish line]
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Ladies and Gentlemen, Aspen Mountain 
                         presents another ex-TREME racing showdown. 
                          Seven-time World Aspen champion Tad 
                         Mikowski versus eight-year-old Stan 
                         Marsh!
 
                                     TAD
                         Hah! You're going down, little boy!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, prob'ly

                                     BUTTERS
                         Do you think Stan has a chance?  Uh 
                         go Stan! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Fries... fries...

                                     A SKIER
                          He's got it! Tad's gonna win it! 
 
                         
                                     TAD
                          Yeah! Yeeaah! Yeah!! You lose, Darsh!! 
                          Yeah! 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         U-u-uh, Stan, ya-you gave it your best 
                         shot, and that all Jesus asks of you.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Dude, I'm just happy this whole stupid 
                         thing is all over with. 
 
                                     TAD
                          No hard feelings, right Darsh??  Yeah!!
 
                         
                                     TEEN GIRL
                         Stan,  for what it's worth, I think 
                         you were really brave.
 
                                     STAN
                         Thanks. Who are you?

                                     TEEN GIRL
                         Hey, all the cool teens are gonna be 
                         at the youth center tonight for a dance. 
                         I hope you'll come because you're just 
                         so... wehell, you're just so.. well, 
                         that's all. 
 
               [The valley, day. There are three long lines of people waiting 
               to ski. The parents finally make it out of the meeting]
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Finally, we get to go skiing!

                                     RANDY
                         Oh my God, look how long the lift lines 
                         are.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Yeah, I guess these passes the time-share 
                         salesman gave us will come in handy.
 
                         
                                     LIFT OPERATOR
                         Can I help you?

                                     CHRIS
                         Yes, we have the special passes to use 
                         the exclusive lift from the time-share 
                         comapny?
 
                                     LIFT OPERATOR
                         Ooooh, go right on ahead, folks.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Thank you. 

                                     RANDY
                         Well, this certainly is nice.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Yeah, we may not have gotten to ski 
                         earlier, but with this lift we'll get 
                         more runs in than anybody.
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Have fun waiting in line, suckers! Woohoohoo!
 
                         
                                     LINDA
                         Oh, Chris.  Hey look, this lift goes 
                         right into a building. 
 
               [Aspen Heaven meeting room, again.]

                                     PHIL
                         Welcome back, folks

                                     JOSH
                         We've got a special offer we can't wait 
                         to tell you about!
 
                                     RANDY
                         Oh, God-damnit!

               [Aspen Youth Center. Teens enter from all sides. The boys go 
               in as well.]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, it's been twelve hours. Where 
                         the hell are our parents?!
 
               [Aspen Youth Center, inside. The boys find themselves on a dance 
               floor listening to a live band]
 
                                     TEEN GIRL
                         I'm glad you guys came. Do you like 
                         our youth center?
 
                                     STAN
                         Seems fine.

                                     VOGUING SKIER
                         Yeah, too bad we're getting shut down. 
                         That hot-shot skier Tad's father is 
                         gonna bulldoze the building
 
                                     VOGUING SKIER 2
                         Where are all us kids supposed to go?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Don't care. 

                                     KYLE
                         What do you wanna do now?

                                     STAN
                         I dunno.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Let's dance. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Butters, I hate you with every inch 
                         of my body. 
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Alright, Aspen, heh. As a special treat 
                         tonight we're proud to have the winner 
                         of today's race, Tad Mikowski. <>i>
 
                         
                                     TAD
                         Yeah!

                                     STAN
                         Oh God. 

                                     TAD
                         Hey everyone.  I'd like to sing a little 
                         song, if I may.
 
                                     THE LADIES
                          Ooooooooo.

                                     STAN
                         Gah, let's go you guys. 

                                     TAD
                         This is a song I wrote about... Stan 
                         Marsh. 
 
               Staaaaan... Daaaaarsh...

               Stan. Darsh. Darshy Daaarsh

               Stan Daaarsh

               Stan Darsh, Standarsh

               Stan Daaaaarsh Daaarsh

               Stan Darsh...

                                     STAN
                         Dude, what the hell is your problem?!
 
                         
                                     TAD AND FRIENDS
                         OooOOOOOOoooooo!

                                     STAN
                         I raced you, You won.

                                     TAD
                         A rematch? Oh, Darsh. You're ven dumber 
                         than I thought.
 
                                     TEEN BOY
                         He'll ski you anytime, anywhere

                                     TEENS
                         Yeah!

                                     TEEN GIRL
                          But this time, if he wins, you get 
                         your dad to not close our youth center
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         What???

                                     TAD
                         Alright then, let's make it interesting. 
                         Tomorrow afternoon. On the K-13. 
 
                         
                                     A TEEN BOY
                          The K-13? But that's the most dangerous 
                         run in all of America. 
 
                                     TAD
                         Hell, I'm not chicken! Are you, Darsh?! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         I'll be there, you queen!

                                     TAD
                         Oh YEAH?!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah!

                                     TAD
                         Oh, Darsh, you're even dumber than I 
                         thought! Again! See ya tomorrow.
 
               [The Youth Center, outside. The boys exit the center]

                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh you're not really gonna go down that 
                         K-13 run, are ya, Stan?
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, I have to!

                                     KYLE
                          Stan, you can't let that Tad guy get 
                         to you. Scrwe him, dude.
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, he's got Heather!

                                     KYLE
                         You don't even know Heather!

                                     STAN
                         I know I know I-, ugh. Look I can't 
                         explain it but I have to do this. I'm 
                         not gonna die. I mean, how bad can the 
                         K-13 be?
 
                                     MECHANIC
                          The K-13? You don't wanna go down that 
                         run. That run has got a historih. Thirty-five 
                         people have died goin' down it, and 
                         some say you can still see their ghosts 
                         up there. It was on that very ski run 
                         that a group of students were killed 
                         by a wolfboy who escaped from a mental 
                         institution. You see, that ski run was 
                         once a burial ground to a tribe of vampire 
                         wichicaw who ate the flesh of children 
                         with no eyes. Yah-, a lot of history 
                         on that ski run. 
 
                                     STAN
                         ...Thank you.

                                     MECHANIC
                         Yah. 

                                     KYLE
                         Look, Stan. When Kenny died I learned 
                         how important friends are. I'm not gonna 
                         lose another friend.
 
                                     STAN
                         This isn't about you, Kyle, I have to 
                         do this, okay? I have to!
 
               [Aspen Heaven, next day. The parents are still meeting with Phil 
               and Josh]
 
                                     PHIL
                         ...And so you see it's the investment 
                         opportunity that keeps on giving.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         How many times do we have to tell you 
                         this? We don't want to buy shares in 
                         a condo!
 
                                     JOSH
                         And we certainly don't want to pressure 
                         you.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Pressure us?! You kept us all day yesterday 
                         and then had a chair lift bring us back!
 
                         
                                     PHIL
                         Heh-ey, you can leave anytime you want. 
                         Of course, that is, if you don't want 
                         the super-secret fun prize for attending 
                         the slide show.
 
                                     RANDY
                          No, we dont want the super-secret fun 
                         prize alright?! We just wanna ski!! 
                         Come on, everybody!! 
 
                                     JOSH
                         I know! Have you ever considered going 
                         in on a time share?
 
                                     PHIL
                         That's only a couple thousand each, 
                         Josh!
 
                                     RANDY
                         Don't listen to 'em, let's just go!
 
                         
               [Aspen Heaven, the hallway. The parents walk down the hall]
 
               
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         My God, can you believe those people?!
 
                         
                                     CHRIS
                         I hope you don't blame me for all that. 
                         I mean, the ad ...did... just say a 
                         thirty-minute presentation.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Let's just get out of here. 

                                     PHIL
                         Folks, I'm glad you're back, because 
                         we forgot to mention, time-share condos 
                         are still deeded properties!
 
                                     PARENTS
                         Aaagh!! 

                                     PHIL
                         Oooo, you folks REALLY lucked out this 
                         time. You're visitor number one thousand!
 
                         
                                     JOSH
                         That means you can listen to our special 
                         offer for privileged members only!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         That does it! I'm calling the police! 
                         
 
               [Bunny slope, day. Beginners practice their moves. A girl stands 
               next to Thumper; he sets her up and sends her on her way]
 
                                     STAN
                          Mr. Ski Instructor, I need a lot of 
                         training, fast. I'm gonna race down 
                         the K-13.
 
                                     THUMPER
                         K-13? But you're just a beginner! You 
                         ski outta your league, you're gonna 
                         have a bad time.
 
                                     STAN
                         I have to do this, okay? I have to!
 
                         
                                     THUMPER
                         Alright, well, if you gotta get good 
                         at somethin' really fast, there's only 
                         one way to do it. Come on!
 
               [A song begins to play. Thumper is giving Stan some quick instructions 
               and then Stan starts skiing. Thumper looks on, encouraging]
 
               
               You've got to reach your prime!

               [Thumper and Stan do some Tai Chi on their skis, then Thumper 
               has Stan ski down the hill blindfolded while he takes notes on 
               technique and time]
 
               That's when you need to put yourself to the test

               And show us the passage of time

               
               We're gonna need a montage (Montage)

               A sports-training montage (Montage) 

               And just show a lot of things happenin' at once.

               Remind everyone of what's goin' on. (What's goin' on?) 

               [Bulldozers show up at the youth center to knock it down, but 
               a group of familes shows up to protest the demolition. Next shot, 
               the parents are still at those meeting, getting quite weary and 
               tired]
 
               And with every shot, show a little improvement

               To show it won't take too long

               
               That's called a montage (Montage)

               Even Rocky had a montage (Montage) 

               [Stan skis down a little faster, and Thumper shows him how much 
               he's improved. Tad is then shown polishing his skills, landing 
               after a ski jump and receiving Heather into his arms. The girl 
               reads to Stan some more, but Stan's fallen asleep. She rouses 
               him and resumes the lesson]
 
               In any sport, if you want to go

               From just a beginner to a pro

               You'll need a montage (Montage)

               a simple little montage (Montage) 

               [she shows Stan a few pictures in her book. Next, Stan is skiing 
               down the hill with bricks weighing his shoulders down. Kyle stands 
               on a bluff with a picture of himself and Stan and looks wistfully 
               at it and at K-13. Cartman rubs his finger into his ass and gives 
               a sleeping Butters the Hitler again. Cartman stifles a laugh]
 
               
               Always fade out (Montage) into a montage (Montage)

               [Again, Stan skis down the hill with Thumper looking on. Now 
               Thumper approves of the time. The instructor, the teen girl, 
               and Stan look out at K-13 from a nearby hill, the camera at their 
               backs]
 
               If you fade out it seems like a long time (Montage) has passed 
               in a montage (Montage)
 
               Montage (Montage) 

               [The camera faces the trio now and zooms out slowly. Stan sets 
               his skis down and steps into them, then skis down the slope. 
               Fade out]
 
               [Aspen Heaven meeting room, day. Two officers are present with 
               the two salesmen and the six parents]
 
                                     RANDY
                         Alll the ad said was that we had to 
                         attend a thirty-minute meeting, right, 
                         and, and it's been a day and a half! 
                         These guys won't let us leave!
 
                                     PHL
                         That's not true, officers, we said they 
                         could leave at any time.
 
                                     THIN COP
                         All right, let me see if I got this 
                         straight. You two gentlemen are offering 
                         part-time limited liability  ownership 
                         in one of your fabulous condos for the 
                         one-time price of eight thousand dollars?
 
                         
                                     PHIL
                         That's right!

                                     FAT COP
                         Sounds to me like if anybody should 
                         be arrested it should be YOU people 
                         for passin' up such a great deal!
 
                         
                                     THIN COP
                         That's right, you're practically stealing 
                         condos at that price. "Book 'em, Danno!" 
                         
 
                                     RANDY
                         Oh, Jesus.

                                     LINDA
                         No! Nooo!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         The police work for time-share, too? 
                         
 
                                     PHIL
                          The police, the mayor, the president 
                         of the United States. Perhaps now you 
                         see the severity of your situation. 
                         I think we shall all sit down...  and 
                         listen to the presentation.
 
                                     JOSH
                          Sit! 

                                     PHIL
                         Now, you're probably asking yourselves... 
                         "Can my time-share condo turn into a 
                         profit?"
 
                                     JOSH
                         "What kind of cash flow can I realize 
                         from my investment?"
 
                                     PHIL
                         The answer might astonish you. For over 
                         ten years investors have seen their-
 
                         
               [Aspen Heaven ski run, finish line area, day]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         The powder is fresh and the stage is 
                         set for Tad versus Stan on the K-13!
 
                         
               [K-13 peak. Tad and Stan are ready to ski]

                                     TAD
                         This time you're not just goin gto lose, 
                         you're gonna die!
 
               [Finish line area. The other boys and Ike are presnt, with their 
               instructor behind them]
 
                                     KYLE
                         I can't lose another friend. First Kenny 
                         and now Stan? All I'm gonna have left 
                         are you two douches. 
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Ready. Set. Go! 

                                     STAN
                         Pizza... pizza... pizza...

                                     MAN IN YELLOW JACKET
                         Tad's got the lead.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Come on, Stan! 

                                     TAD
                          Haha.  This shoud slow down Darsh a 
                         bit! 
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                          And it looks like Tad is way out in 
                         front.
 
                                     TAD
                          Now I'll win for sure!

                                     KYLE
                         Awgh, dude, I can't look. 

                                     TAD
                         

               Let's see what some sand does to your speed, Darsh! [leaves. 
               Stan continues his run. Tad returns with more sand and pours 
               it out]
 
               He doesn't stand a chance, now! [Stan reaches the fallen tree 
               and climbs over it, then continues his run. Tad pours out even 
               more sand]
 
               I'm gonna beat 'im! [tosses the bucket away and leaves]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                          The race is half over and Tad is still 
                         out in the lead! 
 
                                     TAD
                         Huh, when Darsh skis by here, I'll let 
                         all these hamsters go. That should distract 
                         him just long enough for me to win the 
                         race!
 
                                     TEEN GIRL
                          Oh Tad.

                                     TAD
                         ...What are you doing up here?

                                     TEEN GIRL
                         Oh nothing. I just thought I could distract 
                         you. With these. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Good job, dude!

                                     STAN
                         Thanks. 

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         You did it, Stan! 

                                     TEEN GIRL
                         Thanks a lot, Stan. Now we're gonna 
                         be able to keep the youth center. 
 
                         
                                     MECHANIC
                         Well, that does it. Looks like the spirits 
                         of the Wakachaw Indians can finally 
                         rest in peace. 
 
                                     HEATHER
                          Stan, I was wrong about you. Would 
                         you like to go out again? 
 
                                     TEEN GIRL
                         Go ahead, Stan. She's everything you 
                         ever wanted. 
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         There you are, boys!

                                     KYLE
                         Mom, Dad!

                                     STAN
                         Where the hell have you guys been?!
 
                         
                                     CHRIS
                         Uh we got a little held up at the time-share 
                         sales office.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Yeah, but the good news is we finally 
                         came to our senses and bought some shares 
                         in a condo. So we all get to come to 
                         Aspen for two weeks every year!
 
                                     THE BOYS
                          Awwwwww!

                                     CHRIS
                         What's the matter? Didn't you boys like 
                         skiing? 
 
                                     STAN
                         No! We can't keep track of when you 
                         pizza and when you French-fries and 
                         when the hot-shot asshole skier takes 
                         your girl or if you're supposed to race 
                         him the first time or train first to 
                         beat him on the really difficult mountain 
                         so you can save the dorky but hot girl's 
                         youth center. Skiing sucks! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, what a stupid sport! 

                                     THUMPER
                          I heard that you were the one responsible 
                         for making Tad lose the race. Thanks.
 
                         
                                     TEEN GIRL
                         Yeah. Well he really flipped when he 
                         saw these. 
 
                                     LEFT CREATURE
                          Quaid...

                                     RIGHT CREATURE
                          Start the reactor...

               THE END

Asspen



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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