[Butters' house, night, kitchen. Linda is serving drinks. The
Marshes and the Broflovskis are at table. Sheila holds Ike on
Thanks for having us all over for dinner,
Chris and Linda.
Yes, it was fabulous.
Oh, we're just really happy that your
boys have become such good friends with
our little Butters.
Yeah. We figure that if our boys are
goona be great friends, we should all
get to be friends, too.
Freinds, by default.
Well, our boys do seem to be spending
a lot of time together lately. I think
ever since their friend Kenny died they've
been looking for someone to fill the
Well, our son is a perfect void-filler.
It's nice that he finally has your sons
to be his best buddies!
[Butters' house, living room. The four boys sit on the sofa looking
at television, except Butters is asleep at one end]
Look you guys, Butters is asleep.
He's such a douchebag
Hey! Have you guys ever seen this trick?
When someone's sleeping, you can take
a glass of warm water, and you put
their hand in it...
Yeah, and then what?
And then, you pee on it! heheh, heheheheheheheh.
No, dude, you're supposed to put their
hand in warm water and it makes them
Oh, really? ...Oh well, heh, heheheheh,
[Butters' house, kitchen. Conversation goes on]
And we were thinking, since they've
all become such close friends, how great
it would be for us to all go together
to Aspen for a ski weekend.
A-Aspen? Ohhh, we, we can't really afford
No, you see, Linda and I found this
ad where you can get two night free
at a condo in Aspen if you attend a
They let you stay for free?
Yes! And all we have to do is attend
a thirty-minute meeting!
Well that sounds like a good deal.
Sounds good to me; let's go this weekend.
Oh boy! Skiing in Aspen! I can't wait!
Hey boys! We're all going to Aspen fior
STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN
Wow, a ski trip with my new best buddies!
Oh, I'm all sticky.
[The Rocky Mountains, day. Chris Stotch drives all three families
and Cartman off to Aspen]
Here we are, everyone.
[Fade in, next morning. The adults sit around a coffee table
while the kids sit at the dining table eating breakfast behnd
them. The adults are getting dressed for the day]
Oh, this is gonna be so much fun; I
haven't skied in years!
Where are Butters and Eric?
They're still asleep.
Butters? Eric? Come on! We gotta get
to the powder!
Hello, folks, I'm Phil and this is
Josh . We're with the Aspen Time-Share
You folks enjoying the condo?
It's lovely. Thank you.
[The dining table]
You guys, you guys! You're not gonna
believe this, this is sooo funny!
So last night, while Butters was asleep,
I gave him a Hitler.
What's a Hitler?
You know, when somebody is sleeping
and you put your finger up your butt
and then, wipe it on their upper lip
to give them a little Hitler mustache?
You've never Hitlered anyone?
No, I never have.
Shh-shh, here he comes.
Goooood mornin', fellas! All set to
go skiin'? A-huh, u-uh, uh what's so
Nothing, Butters. Right, guys??
[The front door]
Well, we can't wait to show you what
Aspen Time-Share is offering investors.
Shall we do our thirty-minute meeting?
Oh, do we have to do it right now?
Well, best to do it and get it out of
Boys, we have to go to this time-share
presentation real quick, but you go
meet your ski instructor on the bunny
We'll meet you boys on the slopes.
Hey, do you guys smell that?
Ehh, it kind of smells stinky in this
I don't smell anythng. Do you guys?
[Music fades in. Exterior shots of the resort are shown .The
bunny slope is shown. Lifts go up and down as kids practice skiing
moves. The four boys and Ike are shown waiting for their instructor.]
Do you guys smell that? It smells bad
out here, too. I'm starting to think
this whole town smells like doodoo.
Yeah, well, that why they call is Asspen.
All right, little dudes, great to see
you out here. My name is Thumper, and
I'm gonna be your cool ski instructor.
His name is Thumper?
We're gonna take it slow, take it easy,
make sure everybody has a goood time.
'Cause what is skiing about? Having
a good...? Tiime, that's right. Now,
just a few safety things to keep in
mind: First of all, look straight ahead
when you ski. You look down, you're
gonna fall, you're gonna have a bad
time. Also, be aware of skiers around
you. You run into another skier, your
skis are gonna cross, gonna have a bad
So where's the part where we have a
Hey, little dude, you got some crap
Wuh that's my face, sir.
Alright, we're gonna do this without
any poles until we know our two primary
feet positions. To go slow, we wedge
our skis together , in the shape of
a slice... of pizza. Then to go faster,
we put 'em parallel, like... French
fries. You see that? Pizza, French
fries, Pizza, French fries.
Ah hey, this is gonna be just like eatin'
at Shakey's, huh fellas?
Okay, let's have the little dude at
the end try first! What's your name?
Okay, Mike, ski down to me!
Go on, Ike.
Pee-za, Fron fries. Pee-za, Fron fries.
Fron friiiies. Peeee-zaaa
Okay, you see what he did? He French-fried
when he should've piiza'd. You French-fry
when you should pizza, you're gonna
have a bad time.
[The meeting, meanwhile. Phil and Josh are presenting the time-share
And so, we think we can convince you
to buy one of our combos that's opening
right here in Phase 4.
That sounds like a GREAT investment
I I'm sorry, but none of us can really
afford to own our own vacation condo.
Yeah, and to be honest, we're just doing
this meeting because of the two nights
Oh, I know, that's what everybody says
- "Not me, I can't afford it." But what
if I told you you could own one of our
properties for only eight thousand dollars?
For only eight thousand dollars we can
buy a condo here?
Well you see, "time-share" means you
buy the condo with about twenty other
people like yourselves You "share"
the condo with other investors and pick
the "time" you want to stay.
Share, time. Time share.
So then it's not really ours.
Sure it is, one twenty-fourth and a
half yours! You see, time-share has
made it possible for even working-class
people like you to say, "I've got a
little place in Aspen."
Try it. Try saying it. "I've got a little
place in Aspen."
I've got a little place in Aspen.
Rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? Say
guys, how'd you like to tell that hot
secretary "I've got a nice little place
in Aspen"? Hahaha. Just kidding, wives.
Listen uh, it's been thirty minutes.
We'd like to go hit the slopes now?
Woll uh, you still gotta come to the
time-share luncheon. We did give you
a free condo for the weekend.
Well your ad said we only had to attend
a thirty-minute meeting.
R-right, but this isn't that meeting.
The luncheon is that meeting. Don't
worry, you're gonna have a great free
meal at the luncheon.
[Bunny slope, later.]
...french fries... pizza... french
fries... come on, Cartman.
Ugh, no more.
Looks like you think you're a pretty
good skier, huh, kid?
Well I'm... catchin' on pretty fast,
I've been skiing for twenty-two years.
Think you could beat me?
What's your name, hot shot?
Stan Marsh Stan DARSH is more like
Alright, how about a race, then? You
Dude, I'm just learning.
OooooOOOOooo! Looks to me like you're
not a "hot shot" after all.
I never said I was.
You may think you've got what it takes,
but as long as I'm around, you'll always
be number two! See ya leter, Darsh!
[The meeting at Aspen Heaven, later. Phil and Josh are still
extolling the time-share plan]
And THAT is why owning a piece of an
Aspen condo is not only possible,...
It's downright smart!
Op, here it is! As promised, a fabulous
Wow, filet mignon and lobster!
It's nice to feel rich, isn't it.
Oh, you know, this is really great.
It sure it.
You see? That's the great thing about
time-share. You get a little taste of
luxuries you can't afford.
And then share it with the people who
All right, look, we've been here for
over three hours
Yeah. Can we go now, please?
Of course you can. Go hit those slopes!
If you could just please show me the
backs of your table place cards real
quick? Oh my God! You got the red sticker!
They got the red sticker?
They got the red sticker!
What's the red sticker?
Uh, well, well, that means if you come
up to the condo sales office you'll
receive one of three great prizes.
No, nononono. We, we did your meeting
and we did your lunch, we're finished,
Okay, okay, fine, I mean... It would
only take a second, but, I mean, you
know, what did we do for you except,
give you a free condo for the weekend.
Huh. Seems like you coud just... could
just come up... and see what prize you
[The bunny slope, even later. Kyle and Stan are skiing down faster
now, mastering the basic pizza-French fries technique]
...pizza...French fries...Frnehc fries...pizza...
fries... I wonder where our parents
Who cares? I'm having more fun on my
well well well, if it isn't Stan Darsh!
Say Darsh, you don't mind if I take
Heather out for some fondue tonight,
Sorry, Stan, it's just that when it
comes to skiing, Tad has all the right
I just might show her my moves tonight,
if you know what I mean.
You aren't mad, are you, Stan? I mean,
a girl's gotta look out for her best
...who are you people?!
Still don't wanna race me? I told you
he was chicken, Heather. Stan Marsh
All right dude, if I race you will you
leave me alone?
TAD AND FRIENDS
Allright, fine. You and me at the summit,
TAD'S TWO FRIENDS
[Ski run, moments later. A view from the bottom shows a long
run, and the resort's main buildings off to the right near the
Ladies and Gentlemen, Aspen Mountain
presents another ex-TREME racing showdown.
Seven-time World Aspen champion Tad
Mikowski versus eight-year-old Stan
Hah! You're going down, little boy!
Do you think Stan has a chance? Uh
He's got it! Tad's gonna win it!
Yeah! Yeeaah! Yeah!! You lose, Darsh!!
U-u-uh, Stan, ya-you gave it your best
shot, and that all Jesus asks of you.
Dude, I'm just happy this whole stupid
thing is all over with.
No hard feelings, right Darsh?? Yeah!!
Stan, for what it's worth, I think
you were really brave.
Thanks. Who are you?
Hey, all the cool teens are gonna be
at the youth center tonight for a dance.
I hope you'll come because you're just
so... wehell, you're just so.. well,
[The valley, day. There are three long lines of people waiting
to ski. The parents finally make it out of the meeting]
Finally, we get to go skiing!
Oh my God, look how long the lift lines
Yeah, I guess these passes the time-share
salesman gave us will come in handy.
Can I help you?
Yes, we have the special passes to use
the exclusive lift from the time-share
Ooooh, go right on ahead, folks.
Well, this certainly is nice.
Yeah, we may not have gotten to ski
earlier, but with this lift we'll get
more runs in than anybody.
Have fun waiting in line, suckers! Woohoohoo!
Oh, Chris. Hey look, this lift goes
right into a building.
[Aspen Heaven meeting room, again.]
Welcome back, folks
We've got a special offer we can't wait
to tell you about!
[Aspen Youth Center. Teens enter from all sides. The boys go
in as well.]
Dude, it's been twelve hours. Where
the hell are our parents?!
[Aspen Youth Center, inside. The boys find themselves on a dance
floor listening to a live band]
I'm glad you guys came. Do you like
our youth center?
Yeah, too bad we're getting shut down.
That hot-shot skier Tad's father is
gonna bulldoze the building
VOGUING SKIER 2
Where are all us kids supposed to go?
What do you wanna do now?
Butters, I hate you with every inch
of my body.
Alright, Aspen, heh. As a special treat
tonight we're proud to have the winner
of today's race, Tad Mikowski. <>i>
Hey everyone. I'd like to sing a little
song, if I may.
Gah, let's go you guys.
This is a song I wrote about... Stan
Stan. Darsh. Darshy Daaarsh
Stan Darsh, Standarsh
Stan Daaaaarsh Daaarsh
Dude, what the hell is your problem?!
TAD AND FRIENDS
I raced you, You won.
A rematch? Oh, Darsh. You're ven dumber
than I thought.
He'll ski you anytime, anywhere
But this time, if he wins, you get
your dad to not close our youth center
Alright then, let's make it interesting.
Tomorrow afternoon. On the K-13.
A TEEN BOY
The K-13? But that's the most dangerous
run in all of America.
Hell, I'm not chicken! Are you, Darsh?!
I'll be there, you queen!
Oh, Darsh, you're even dumber than I
thought! Again! See ya tomorrow.
[The Youth Center, outside. The boys exit the center]
Uh you're not really gonna go down that
K-13 run, are ya, Stan?
Dude, I have to!
Stan, you can't let that Tad guy get
to you. Scrwe him, dude.
Dude, he's got Heather!
You don't even know Heather!
I know I know I-, ugh. Look I can't
explain it but I have to do this. I'm
not gonna die. I mean, how bad can the
The K-13? You don't wanna go down that
run. That run has got a historih. Thirty-five
people have died goin' down it, and
some say you can still see their ghosts
up there. It was on that very ski run
that a group of students were killed
by a wolfboy who escaped from a mental
institution. You see, that ski run was
once a burial ground to a tribe of vampire
wichicaw who ate the flesh of children
with no eyes. Yah-, a lot of history
on that ski run.
Look, Stan. When Kenny died I learned
how important friends are. I'm not gonna
lose another friend.
This isn't about you, Kyle, I have to
do this, okay? I have to!
[Aspen Heaven, next day. The parents are still meeting with Phil
...And so you see it's the investment
opportunity that keeps on giving.
How many times do we have to tell you
this? We don't want to buy shares in
And we certainly don't want to pressure
Pressure us?! You kept us all day yesterday
and then had a chair lift bring us back!
Heh-ey, you can leave anytime you want.
Of course, that is, if you don't want
the super-secret fun prize for attending
the slide show.
No, we dont want the super-secret fun
prize alright?! We just wanna ski!!
Come on, everybody!!
I know! Have you ever considered going
in on a time share?
That's only a couple thousand each,
Don't listen to 'em, let's just go!
[Aspen Heaven, the hallway. The parents walk down the hall]
My God, can you believe those people?!
I hope you don't blame me for all that.
I mean, the ad ...did... just say a
Let's just get out of here.
Folks, I'm glad you're back, because
we forgot to mention, time-share condos
are still deeded properties!
Oooo, you folks REALLY lucked out this
time. You're visitor number one thousand!
That means you can listen to our special
offer for privileged members only!
That does it! I'm calling the police!
[Bunny slope, day. Beginners practice their moves. A girl stands
next to Thumper; he sets her up and sends her on her way]
Mr. Ski Instructor, I need a lot of
training, fast. I'm gonna race down
K-13? But you're just a beginner! You
ski outta your league, you're gonna
have a bad time.
I have to do this, okay? I have to!
Alright, well, if you gotta get good
at somethin' really fast, there's only
one way to do it. Come on!
[A song begins to play. Thumper is giving Stan some quick instructions
and then Stan starts skiing. Thumper looks on, encouraging]
You've got to reach your prime!
[Thumper and Stan do some Tai Chi on their skis, then Thumper
has Stan ski down the hill blindfolded while he takes notes on
technique and time]
That's when you need to put yourself to the test
And show us the passage of time
We're gonna need a montage (Montage)
A sports-training montage (Montage)
And just show a lot of things happenin' at once.
Remind everyone of what's goin' on. (What's goin' on?)
[Bulldozers show up at the youth center to knock it down, but
a group of familes shows up to protest the demolition. Next shot,
the parents are still at those meeting, getting quite weary and
And with every shot, show a little improvement
To show it won't take too long
That's called a montage (Montage)
Even Rocky had a montage (Montage)
[Stan skis down a little faster, and Thumper shows him how much
he's improved. Tad is then shown polishing his skills, landing
after a ski jump and receiving Heather into his arms. The girl
reads to Stan some more, but Stan's fallen asleep. She rouses
him and resumes the lesson]
In any sport, if you want to go
From just a beginner to a pro
You'll need a montage (Montage)
a simple little montage (Montage)
[she shows Stan a few pictures in her book. Next, Stan is skiing
down the hill with bricks weighing his shoulders down. Kyle stands
on a bluff with a picture of himself and Stan and looks wistfully
at it and at K-13. Cartman rubs his finger into his ass and gives
a sleeping Butters the Hitler again. Cartman stifles a laugh]
Always fade out (Montage) into a montage (Montage)
[Again, Stan skis down the hill with Thumper looking on. Now
Thumper approves of the time. The instructor, the teen girl,
and Stan look out at K-13 from a nearby hill, the camera at their
If you fade out it seems like a long time (Montage) has passed
in a montage (Montage)
[The camera faces the trio now and zooms out slowly. Stan sets
his skis down and steps into them, then skis down the slope.
[Aspen Heaven meeting room, day. Two officers are present with
the two salesmen and the six parents]
Alll the ad said was that we had to
attend a thirty-minute meeting, right,
and, and it's been a day and a half!
These guys won't let us leave!
That's not true, officers, we said they
could leave at any time.
All right, let me see if I got this
straight. You two gentlemen are offering
part-time limited liability ownership
in one of your fabulous condos for the
one-time price of eight thousand dollars?
Sounds to me like if anybody should
be arrested it should be YOU people
for passin' up such a great deal!
That's right, you're practically stealing
condos at that price. "Book 'em, Danno!"
The police work for time-share, too?
The police, the mayor, the president
of the United States. Perhaps now you
see the severity of your situation.
I think we shall all sit down... and
listen to the presentation.
Now, you're probably asking yourselves...
"Can my time-share condo turn into a
"What kind of cash flow can I realize
from my investment?"
The answer might astonish you. For over
ten years investors have seen their-
[Aspen Heaven ski run, finish line area, day]
The powder is fresh and the stage is
set for Tad versus Stan on the K-13!
[K-13 peak. Tad and Stan are ready to ski]
This time you're not just goin gto lose,
you're gonna die!
[Finish line area. The other boys and Ike are presnt, with their
instructor behind them]
I can't lose another friend. First Kenny
and now Stan? All I'm gonna have left
are you two douches.
Ready. Set. Go!
Pizza... pizza... pizza...
MAN IN YELLOW JACKET
Tad's got the lead.
Come on, Stan!
Haha. This shoud slow down Darsh a
And it looks like Tad is way out in
Now I'll win for sure!
Awgh, dude, I can't look.
Let's see what some sand does to your speed, Darsh! [leaves.
Stan continues his run. Tad returns with more sand and pours
He doesn't stand a chance, now! [Stan reaches the fallen tree
and climbs over it, then continues his run. Tad pours out even
I'm gonna beat 'im! [tosses the bucket away and leaves]
The race is half over and Tad is still
out in the lead!
Huh, when Darsh skis by here, I'll let
all these hamsters go. That should distract
him just long enough for me to win the
...What are you doing up here?
Oh nothing. I just thought I could distract
you. With these.
Good job, dude!
You did it, Stan!
Thanks a lot, Stan. Now we're gonna
be able to keep the youth center.
Well, that does it. Looks like the spirits
of the Wakachaw Indians can finally
rest in peace.
Stan, I was wrong about you. Would
you like to go out again?
Go ahead, Stan. She's everything you
There you are, boys!
Where the hell have you guys been?!
Uh we got a little held up at the time-share
Yeah, but the good news is we finally
came to our senses and bought some shares
in a condo. So we all get to come to
Aspen for two weeks every year!
What's the matter? Didn't you boys like
No! We can't keep track of when you
pizza and when you French-fries and
when the hot-shot asshole skier takes
your girl or if you're supposed to race
him the first time or train first to
beat him on the really difficult mountain
so you can save the dorky but hot girl's
youth center. Skiing sucks!
Yeah, what a stupid sport!
I heard that you were the one responsible
for making Tad lose the race. Thanks.
Yeah. Well he really flipped when he
Start the reactor...