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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                     Episode 904


                                "BEST FRIENDS FOREVER"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [Dawn over Cartman's house. He runs into his mother's bedroom]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Mom! Mom! Get up, we have to go!  MOM, 
                         GET UP!
 
                                     LIANE
                          Oh, Poopie-kins, it's very early.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Mom, I told you! The new Sony PSP game 
                         machines go on sale at seven a.m. today. 
                         I have to be the first to get one!  
                         Come on! 
 
                                     LIANE
                         Sweetie, can't we go after school?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Everyone's moms are taking their kids 
                         after school! We're outsmarting everyone 
                         by getting to the store right when it 
                         opens! Let's go!
 
               [Liane's car, some time later. She and Cartman drive along, Cartman 
               bouncing happily in his seat]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I can't wait to see the look on everyone's 
                         faces when I show up to school with 
                         a PSP! I wonder if Kyle will cry? Oh 
                         PLEASE let Kyle cry!  What the hell?!
 
                         
               [Before them is a long line of people in front of Luau's Toys 
               waiting for the PSP. The camera reaches the front of the line 
               only to find Kenny right at the front door. He's the first one 
               in line. Cartman approaches Kenny]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Kenny, when did you get here?

                                     KENNY
                         (Friday)

                                     CARTMAN
                         Friday?! Aw, Jesus!  I'll just... sort 
                         of get in here- in here. 
 
                                     TALL GOTH
                         Hey dickhole! What do you think you're 
                         doing?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh, my friend Kenny was saving my place 
                         in line.
 
                                     SIXTH GRADER
                         There's no saving place, fourthie! Get 
                         to the back or we'll beat your face 
                         in!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, Goddamnit!  They'd better not sell 
                         out!
 
               [The bus stop, later in the day. Kenny is playing with his PSP 
               as Stan and Kyle look on. Stan and Kyle weren't in line]
 
                                     KYLE
                         That thing is pretty cool. What games 
                         did you get with it?
 
                                     STAN
                          It's a game called "Heaven versus Hell." 
                         Kenny commands the armies of heaven 
                         against the forces of Satan.  Dude, 
                         you see what Kenny got?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         YES YES, I KNOW! UP YOURS, KYLE!

                                     KYLE
                         Wuh what'd I do?

                                     CARTMAN
                         JUST SHUT YOUR JEW MOUTH!

                                     GAME VOICE
                         "Congratulations! You have reached ...lever 
                         nine!"
 
                                     KYLE
                         Wow, level nine already? Dude, you kick 
                         ass in "Heaven versus Hell."
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, Kenny finally found something 
                         he's really good at.
 
               [A montage follows. Kenny is seen in class playing on his PSP, 
               then in the cafeteria, then in the playground, then in his bedroom 
               at night. He reaches lever 24. He's then seen at the amusement 
               park with his family, still playing with his PSP, then in "The 
               Mine Shaft" roller coaster, where he reaches lever 45. He's seen 
               on the bus playing on his PSP while the other students are having 
               fun, then in Le Bijou playing while Stan and Kyle watch a movie, 
               then on the sidewalk passing some hot babes - he doesn't look 
               up to acknowledge them, then in his bed again at night. He reaches 
               lever 54.]
 
               [Kenny's house, day, the kitchen. He's still playing on his PSP]
 
               
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Kenny? Kenny, are you still playin' 
                         with that thing?  Kenny, it's been two 
                         weeks and you've done nothin' else!
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (I could get to level sixty!)

                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Who cares if you almost made it to lever 
                         sixty?! You're wastin' your life, Kenny! 
                         If you died tomorrow, what would you 
                         have to show for it?! You'er gonna end 
                         up wishin' you'd done more with your 
                         life, just like your dead-beat father!
 
                         
                                     STUART
                          Hey, I heard that, bitch!

                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         I wasn't talkin' to you, asshole!! 
 
                         
                                     STUART
                          How about I come in there and kick 
                         your teeth in!
 
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         I'd like to see you try!

               [Kenny leaves the house and goes to the sidewalk]

                                     STUART
                         Goddamnit, do you have to smart off 
                         at me in my own house?!
 
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         It's my house too, you no-good loser!
 
                         
                                     GAME VOICE
                         You have reached level sixty!

                                     KENNY
                         (Yes! Woohoo! I did it! I reached lever 
                         s-!) 
 
                                     DRIVER
                         Oh yeah, lever four, sweet!

               [The street. Kenny's body lies on the road. Eventually his soul 
               rises out of his body]
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Hey, that's odd.)  (Hey, I'm floating. 
                         That can't be! Hey wait!) 
 
               [He reaches heaven, right side up, and bounces once before landing. 
               He walks towards the Golden Gates]
 
                                     ANGEL 1
                         Open the gate!

                                     ANGEL 2
                         Open the gate! 

                                     PETER
                         Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven, Kenny. 
                         I am Peter.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (What the fuck is going on?)

                                     PETER
                         There isn't much time, Kenny. You're 
                         dead, but, your death was no accident. 
                         Heaven needs you.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Me??)

                                     PETER
                         Come! There is much to discuss.  Things 
                         are not good in Heaven, Kenny. Satan 
                         is planning a massiva attack and he 
                         knows we are too few in number to stop 
                         him! God has changed the rules here. 
                         For ages, only Mormons were allowed 
                         into Heaven.  But knowing that Hell 
                         was becoming much larger, God decided 
                         to let more people cross over so that 
                         he could build an army as well, an army 
                         that YOU must command.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (That I what??)

                                     PETER
                         The Sony PSP was built by God, to determine 
                         who on Earth had the best skills to 
                         defeat the armies of Satan. You... are 
                         the best. YOU, are the only hope for 
                         the universe.
 
               [In a great courtyard outside the super-basilica. An angel addresses 
               the others]
 
                                     ANGEL 3
                         Satan's army grows as we speak. The 
                         Dark Lord knows that our armies are 
                         few in number, and unorgamized. So our 
                         only hope... is perfect strategy. 
 
                         
                                     ANGEL 4
                         A child? This is God's solution?

                                     PETER
                         He beat Satan's army in over three thousand 
                         separate simulations.
 
                                     ANGEL 4
                         Archangel Michael, what say you?

                                     MICHAEL
                          The child did something none of us 
                         could: Reach lever sixty on the PSP. 
                         Now I don't know if that's luck or perseverence, 
                         but it's Goddamned impressive. All right, 
                         Kenny, let me show you what we're up 
                         against.  This is the Kingdom of Heaven. 
                         Satan's armies will attack the gate 
                         ...here. They are... ten billion in 
                         number. Maybe more.  Our armies are 
                         here, here, and here. Just under... 
                         ten thousand strong.  We are outnumbered 
                         and in need of someone who can singlehandedly 
                         bring the whole Dark Empire down. Basically, 
                         Kenny, you... are Keanu Reeves. 
 
               [Hell. Satan's armies mill about, the troops arm each other. 
               Satan addresses them]
 
                                     SATAN
                         My fellow damned souls! Now is the time 
                         for our assault!  You know no fear! 
                         You will drink the blood of angels! 
                         We go now! Nothing can stop us!
 
                                     ANGEL 5
                         Step aside! Step aside, I say!  Satan! 
                         God has mocked thee once again!
 
                                     SATAN
                         My spy!

                                     ANGEL 5
                         God has found a way to defeat your army.
 
                         
                                     SATAN
                         Impossible! How?!

                                     ANGEL 5
                         A young man. Basically, he he's like 
                         Keanu Reeves.
 
                                     SATAN
                         Oh Jesus Christ.

                                     HOODED FIGURE
                         My Lord. My Lord, we must attack, now!
 
                         
                                     SATAN
                         What's the point?! They have a Keanu 
                         Reeves now.
 
                                     HOODED FIGURE
                         Do not fear, my Lord. Your army is great!
 
                         
                                     SATAN
                         Very well.  Demon Army, begin your march 
                         on Heaven! 
 
               [Michael and Kenny walk to one of the ramparts and look out over 
               Heaven]
 
                                     MICHAEL
                         Up here, you get the best tactical view 
                         to protect the fortress. It is from 
                         here, Kenny, that you shall command 
                         the armies of heaven.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (All right. How am I supposed to do 
                         that?)
 
                                     ANGEL 6
                         Simple. You will use... this. 

                                     MICHAEL
                          This golden PSP is king of all PSPs.
 
                         
                                     ANGELS
                         Hail the holy PSP.

                                     MICHAEL
                         It works just like the ones we sent 
                         to Earth. All the commands you make 
                         will be sent to the troops down on the 
                         battlefield. All you have to do is play 
                         the game, Kenny. Only this time, It's 
                         for reals.
 
                                     ANGEL 7
                         Gabriel returns with news!

                                     GABRIEL
                         Hell's army is departing! They head 
                         now for the Gates of Heaven.
 
                                     MICHAEL
                         Prepare the troops!  We must be ready 
                         for them!  The time is at hand, Kenny. 
                         The stage is set and the final battle 
                         between Heaven and Hell is about to 
                         begin! The fate of the outcome is in 
                         your hands.  Where'd he go?
 
               [Hell's Pass Hospital. The paddles have been taken to Kenny and 
               fired away.]
 
                                     FEMALE NURSE
                         Doctor! Doctor, we have a pulse!

                                     THE DOCTOR
                         Then that's it! We brought him back.
 
                         
                                     MALE NURSE
                         Amazing, doctor! You've revived somebody 
                         who's been legally dead for almost a 
                         day!
 
                                     THE DOCTOR
                         Call the parents. They're going to be 
                         shocked to find out... their son is 
                         alive.
 
               [Hell's Pass, later]

                                     THE DOCTOR
                         It's the latest in electro-plastilical 
                         science. Your son's organs are all functioning 
                         again.
 
                                     STUART
                         It's a miracle... Kenny, you're alive.
 
                         
                                     THE DOCTOR
                         I'm a-fraid he can't respond to you. 
                         You see, being dead for that long, most 
                         of Kenny's brain cells died from lack 
                         of oxygen. Your son is alive, but, in 
                         what we call a "persistant meditative 
                         staute."
 
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Will he ever recover?

                                     THE DOCTOR
                         I'm afraid no. Brain cells cannot be 
                         repaied once dead. But his soul is still 
                         in here.  Almost... trapped in here, 
                         if you will. Kenny is the same as he 
                         ever was. It's just that, now, he's 
                         more like ...a tomato.
 
                                     STUART
                         He can't more on hiw own-ah how will 
                         he eat?
 
                                     THE DOCTOR
                         A feeding tube. It pumps a nutrient 
                         paste directly into Kenny's stomache. 
                         With it we can actually keep Kenny the 
                         tomato alive for years.
 
               [Back in heave, business goes on as usual]

                                     MICHAEL
                         A feeding tube?!

                                     GABRIEL
                         Yes. Apparently they're using machines 
                         to keep them alive.
 
                                     MICHAEL
                         But... that's not natural. God intended 
                         Kenny to die! What are these people 
                         doing?!
 
                                     ANGEL 3
                         The child's soul is now trapped inside 
                         his vegetative body. We have no one 
                         to command the troops with the PSP's
 
                         
                                     GABRIEL
                         And Satan's armies are approaching.
 
                         
                                     MICHAEL
                         Oh God-damnit

               [A brick building. Inside, a lawyer sees the four boys.]

                                     LAWYER
                         Boys I want to thank you for coming 
                         down to my office on such short notice. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Are we in trouble or something?

                                     LAWYER
                         No. Boys, I'm a laywer. Your friend 
                         Kenny has passed away and I've called 
                         you here to read his will.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Kenny had a will?

                                     LAWYER
                          In the highly liekly event of my death, 
                         I, Kenny McCormick, wish to leave all 
                         my belongings to my good friends, Stan 
                         and Kyle. Dudes, you were the friends 
                         a guy could have.
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh wow...

                                     KYLE
                         That's... really touching.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Fag!

                                     LAWYER
                         To Eric Cartman: Eric, I never really 
                         liked you. But then, nobody does. You 
                         have no ability to feel, and you are 
                         going to die alone and miserable. It 
                         is only because I feel so sorry for 
                         you that I leave you my Sony PSP.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh yeah! Oh yeah, baby! Who the man? 
                         Who the man?
 
                                     LAWYER
                         There is one more thing I would like 
                         to ask you all, as my friends. If I 
                         should ever be in a vegetative state 
                         and kept alive on life-support, please,... 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Please what?

                                     LAWYER
                         I don't know. I lost the last page.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Who cares? Kenny's dead!  When do I 
                         take possession of my PSP, sir?
 
                                     LAWYER
                          It's right here, along with Kenny's 
                         other belongings. They're all yours.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Yes!

                                     MAN
                          He's alive!

                                     STAN
                         What?

                                     MAN
                         Kenny McCormick! He's alive at the hospital! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh my God! 

               [Satan's armies continue their march to Heaven. Satan looks on 
               through his crystal ball]
 
                                     HOODED FIGURE
                         Your army nears the Kingdon of Heaven, 
                         my Lord.
 
                                     SATAN
                         I don't know if we should continue without 
                         knowing more about this Keanu Reeves 
                         God has.
 
                                     SPY ANGEL
                         Satan! I come bearing good news! The 
                         Keanu Reeves boy has been revived on 
                         Earth! His soul is no longer in Heaven.
 
                         
                                     SATAB
                          Then God is helping us.  Full march, 
                         to the Gates of Heaven! Victory is ours!
 
                         
               [The boys reached Hell's Pass and enter Kenny's recovery room 
               ]
 
                                     STAN
                         Kenny??

                                     KYLE
                         Kenny! You're alive!

                                     STAN
                         Dude, how's you do that??

                                     THE DOCTOR
                         He can't responde to you, boys. Being 
                         dead for that long caused severe damage 
                         to his brain,
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well... well then he's NOT alive.

                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         He's alive. He-ee smiles when I talk 
                         to him. I think...
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         That's not Kenny. Kenny sniffs paint 
                         and sets things on fire! Here, look. 
                          Kenny, Kenny look. Want a dollar?
 
                         
                                     STUART
                         I I don't know if it's right to keep 
                         Kenny alive on that machine. I I just... 
                         I don't know what he would want.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, the lawyer lost that page.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, I just remembered! Kenny told me 
                         this one time, that he wouldn't wanna 
                         be kept alive via feeding tube.
 
                                     MRS. MCCOMRICK
                         He did? When?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Um, it was um, this one time...

                                     KYLE
                         He did not say that! You just want him 
                         dead so you can have his stupid PSP!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Stupid? PSP is stupid?!  Did you all 
                         hear that??  Uh I mean, I mean this 
                         isn't about PSP, Kyle! This is about 
                         my friend, and his wishes. And Kenny 
                         said he didn't want to live like this!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         He did not!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Did so!

                                     KYLE
                         Did not!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Fine! We'll see about this, you freakin' 
                         Jew!  I'm gonna get that feeding tube 
                         removed if I have to go all the way 
                         to the Supreme Court! 
 
               [Heaven. The angels mill around inside the fortress]

                                     PETER
                         Satan's army has crossed over the Plains 
                         of Limbo!
 
                                     GABRIEL
                         Then they will be here on the morrow. 
                         Without Kenny's soul here there will 
                         be nobody who can use the holy PSP.
 
                         
                                     URIEL
                         No! There is another. A Japanese boy 
                         did make it to level fifty-nine.
 
                                     MICHAEL
                          Are you stupid, Uriel? Japanese people 
                         don't have souls!
 
                                     ANGEL 9
                         Yeah

                                     ANGEL 10
                         Yeah

                                     ANGEL 11
                         Yeah

                                     ANGEL 12
                         Yeah, Uriel!

                                     URIEL
                         Oh, right right, I'm sorry

                                     MICHAEL
                         Kenny remains our only hope! Here is 
                         what we must do.  Gabriel and Uriel, 
                         you go down to Earth and try to get 
                         that feeding tube removed. In the meantime 
                          we will put all our troops at Heaven's 
                         Gate. We will try to keep Hell's Aermy 
                         from breaking through as long as possible. 
                          Hopefull, it will be long enough to 
                         get our Keanu Reeves back.
 
               [The Colorado Supreme Court, day.]

                                     CARTMAN
                         You see your honor, I was the only one 
                         that Kenny McCormick told his wishes 
                         to. And Kenny told me specifically that 
                         he would never want to be kept alive 
                         on a machine. What they're doing to 
                         him ...is not right.
 
                                     CHIEF JUSTICE
                         Well I'm sorry, young man, but the parents 
                         want their child kept alive. I don't 
                         believe you have any legal authority 
                         here.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I do have legal authority, your honor. 
                         You see, I was Kenny's... BFF.
 
                                     JUDGE 2
                         Best friends forever?

                                     CARTMAN
                         That's right. Kenny and I have been 
                         BFFs since first grade. Here, look. 
                          Kenny has the other half of this BFF 
                         necklace. I believe you all know what 
                         that means, and how serious this is.
 
                         
               [Hell's Pass hospital, Kenny's room. Kenny's parents keep vigil 
               with Stan and Kyle.]
 
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Look, Kenny, your friends are here to 
                         visit you again.
 
                                     THE DOCTOR
                          But this just doesn't seem right.
 
                         
                                     STUART
                         Wha, what's the matter, doctor?

                                     THE DOCTOR
                         I'm afraid I've been given a court order 
                         to remove Kenny's feeding tube.
 
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         What?

                                     CARTMAN
                          He's right in here.

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman!

                                     CHIEF JUSTICE
                         Kenny's BFF says that Kenny didn't want 
                         to be kept alive artificially. The courts 
                         have determined we must obey his wish.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Cartman is NOT Kenny's BFF!

                                     POLICE OFFICER
                         Sir, take a look at this. 

                                     CHIEF JUSTICE
                          That's all the verification we need. 
                         Pull the feeding tube, doctor.
 
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         No doctor! You can't!

                                     THE DOCTOR
                         I'm sorry. I have no choice. 

               [Hell's Pass hospital, outside. Uriel and Gabriel arrive]

                                     GABRIEL
                         Here is the hospital

                                     URIEL
                          This is hopeless, Gabriel. We cannot 
                         interact with anything on Earth, how 
                         could we possibly get a feeding tube 
                         removed?
 
                                     KYLE
                          That dirty no-good sonofabitch!

                                     STAN
                         Now that Cartman got Kenny's feeding 
                         tube out, he he's gonna die for sure! 
                         
 
                                     GABRIEL
                         The tube has been removed?

                                     KYLE
                         How can they let an eight-year-old decide 
                         Kenny's fate?
 
                                     URIEL
                         Apparently, some blessed child has done 
                         our work for us.
 
                                     GABRIEL
                         Good. Now all we must do is pray nobody 
                         interferes with the child's death a 
                         second time.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, we have to do whatever we can 
                         to get that feeding tube put back in!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah!

                                     GABRIEL
                         No!

                                     STAN
                         Let's go to the, uh, media. We'll make 
                         everyone in the country know that they're 
                         killing Kenny.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, come on! 

                                     URIEL
                         No! No, no boys! Aw Goddamnit! 

               [HBC World News. Splashy graphics.]

                                     ANCHOR
                         This is HBC News. A right-to-die case 
                         debate is heating up in Colorado,  where 
                         Kenny McCormick's feeding tube has been 
                         removed by his BFF.  Two boys are bringing 
                         national attention to this story by 
                         protesting outside the hospital.
 
               [Hell's Pass hospital, outside. The protest has begun]

                                     STAN
                         Don't kill Kenny!

                                     ALL
                         You bastards!

                                     STAN
                         Don't kill Kenny!

                                     ALL
                         You bastards!

                                     URIEL
                          No! No, they're not killing him, they're 
                         letting him die!
 
                                     SKEETER
                         You bureaucrats have no right to play 
                         God and take that tube out!
 
                                     GABRIEL
                         Nono, see, they were playing God when 
                         they put the feeding tube IN!
 
                                     ANCHOR
                         A woman was arrested for trying to bring 
                         food to the patient. 
 
                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         Get your man-hands off of me!

                                     ANCHOR
                         However, a growing number of people 
                         are also standing behind Kenny's BFF, 
                         Eric Cartman.
 
                                     MAN 1
                          We must respect the wishes of people's 
                         BFFs. Otherwise, all our BFF necklaces 
                         would become meaningless
 
                                     MAN 2
                         We all have BFFs, and we believe that 
                         a BFF is the highest legal authority.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         That's right. Respect our authoritih-m.
 
                         
               [Satan watches on his TV, which is much nicer than the one in 
               his bedroom. The hooded figure stands nearby]
 
                                     SATAN
                         What mockery is this?!

                                     HOODED FIGURE
                         My Lord...

                                     SATAN
                         The feeding tube has been pulled! If 
                         the child dies and his soul returns 
                         to heaven, God will have his Keanu Reeves!
 
                         
                                     HOODED FIGURE
                         Perhaps the child won't die in time.
 
                         
                                     SATAN
                         Forget it! I'm calling the attack off!
 
                         
                                     HOODED FIGURE
                         No! Keep your army marching, my Lord. 
                         I will get that feeding tube put back 
                         in. 
 
                                     SATAN
                         How?

                                     HOODED FIGURE
                         I will do what we always do: Use the 
                         Republicans.
 
               [The White house, a press conference on the lawn. People carry 
               signs saying "Kenny Is Alive" "Murder Is Not A Choice" and "Don't 
               Kill Kenny"]
 
                                     GEORGE BUSH
                         We Republicans are deeply saddened by 
                         the tragic events in Colorado. 
 
                                     HOODED FIGURE
                          Removing the feeding tube is murder, 
                         hughughughughughugh...
 
                                     GEORGE BUSH
                         Removing the feeding tube is murder!
 
                         
                                     HOODED FIGURE
                          Who are we to decide if Kenny should 
                         live or die?
 
                                     GEORGE BUSH
                         Who are we to decide if Kenny should 
                         live or die?
 
                                     HOODED FIGURE
                         Who are we to decide if Kenny should 
                         live or die?
 
                                     GEORGE BUSH
                         

                                     HOODED FIGURE
                         It is God's will that he live!

                                     GEORGE BUSH
                         It is God's will that he LIVE!  Haaghaghaghaghaghagha...
 
                         
                                     HOODED FIGURE
                         No no, you don't say that part. 

                                     GEORGE BUSH
                         No no, you don't say that part, haghaghaghagha. 
                         
 
               [Heaven't Gate. The armies of Hell converge in front of it]
 
               
                                     ANGEL 9
                         Jesus, their army is massive.

                                     ANGEL 10
                         Heaven help us.

               [HBC World News.]

                                     ANCHOR
                         The biggest battle of all time is about 
                         to begin: the battle of the feeding 
                         tube! As people on both sides of the 
                         argument vie for media attention.
 
                         
               [Kenny's hospital room. Both sides of the controversy chatter 
               away]
 
                                     KYLE
                         We want all the country to see that 
                         Kenny is alive, and in pain!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I believe the people at home see he's 
                         NOT in pain because he's a tomato!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         You say tomato, but I say Kenny!

                                     CARTMAN
                         You say Kenny, but I say tomato! 

                                     CARTMAN'S SIDE
                         Tomato!

                                     KYLE'S SIDE
                         Kenny! Kenny!

                                     CARTMAN'S SIDE
                         Tomato!

                                     JUDGE
                          Uuhh, excuse me. I uh, just found the 
                         last page of Kenny's will. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What?

                                     JUDGE
                         I found the page where Kenny specified 
                         his wishes about being on life support.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Well, what does it say?

                                     JUDGE
                          If I should ever be in a vegetative 
                         state and kept alive on life support, 
                         please...  for the love of God, don't 
                         ever show me in that condition on national 
                         television. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Oooo.

                                     MAN
                         Oowhoops

                                     KYLE
                         Oh geez. Maybe we let this thing get 
                         out of hand. This issue is so complicated, 
                         but... mmaybe we shhhould just let Kenny 
                         go in peace.
 
                                     STAN
                         You mean, Cartman's side is right?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Cartman's side is right, for the wrong 
                         reasons. But we're wrong, for the right 
                         reasons.
 
                                     BOTH SIDES
                         Yeah.

                                     KYLE
                         Come on, everybody. I think Kenny wants 
                         to be left alone. 
 
               [HBC World News.]

                                     ANCHOR
                         We've just received word that Kenny 
                         McCormick... has passed away. The debate 
                         still rages on in America, but at least 
                         now, Kenny... is in a much more peaceful 
                         place.
 
               [Heaven, inside the fortress. Angels scurry around in a panic]
 
               
                                     ANGEL 11
                         The armies of Satan have already broken 
                         through the gate!
 
                                     ANGEL 12
                         We're gonna die!!!

                                     MICHAEL
                         Send our troops to the battlefield! 
                         I'll command as best I can!
 
                                     GABRIEL
                         Michael! Michael!  The humans finally 
                         did the right thing!
 
                                     MICHAEL
                         Oh my God, they killed Kenny! Get him 
                         into the command station! Hurry!  Satan's 
                         army charges! Tell our troops what to 
                         do, Kenny!  So it begins.  Now we shall 
                         see the final battle between Heaven 
                         and Hell play out!  Yesss, good, Kenny! 
                         The angel spearmen are taking out their 
                         demon soulrippers! Oh, the cavalry angels 
                         are clashing with their Black Knights! 
                         Oh my God! My God, this battle is epic! 
                         Ohh, they're bringing in their demon 
                         dragons! Look at the size of them! My 
                         God, this is even bigger than the final 
                         battle in the Lord of the Rings movie! 
                         It's like, it's like TEN times bigger 
                         than that battle!
 
               [Hell. Satan is watching the battle through his crystal ball]
 
               
                                     SATAN
                         No! NO! How are we losing?! 

                                     SPY ANGEL
                         The child's soul is in Heaven! God has 
                         his secret weapon!
 
                                     SATAN
                         We'll retreat!

                                     HOODED FIGURE
                         Patience, my Lord!

                                     SATAN
                         No, Kevin!  That's it! I'm breaking 
                         up with you! 
 
               [Heaven. Kenny's still at it]

                                     MICHAEL
                         Yesss. Yes, Kenny! Satan's forces are 
                         retreating! This is TRULY a sight to 
                         behold! OH I wish I had a camcorder! 
                          We have done it! We have defeated the 
                         armies of Satan! 
 
                                     PETER
                         Kenny! Bless your soul! You've saved 
                         all of Heaven!
 
                                     MICHAEL
                         Yes, Kenny! And to thank you for all 
                         you've done, we are going to give you 
                         a very special gift. For saving the 
                         entire universe from the forces of evil, 
                         we give you this.  Keanu Reeves' statue. 
                          Congratulations. 
 
               THE END

Best Friends Forever



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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