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                                        SOUTH PARK

                                       Episode 104

                             "BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY BOATRIDE"

                                            by

                                 Matt Stone & Trey Parker

                

               EXT. BUSSTOP - DAY

               The boys are waiting for their bus.

                                     KYLE
                         Hey, where's the school bus? We're 
                         gonna be late for football practice.

               A dog comes walking up to Stan wagging it's tail.

                                     STAN
                         Hiya Sparky!

                                     KYLE
                         Who's that?

                                     STAN
                         That's my new dog, Sparky.
                              (Proudly)
                         He followed me to the busstop!

                                     KYLE
                         Wow, cool!

                                     STAN
                         Good boy, Sparky! Who's my best buddy? 
                         Who's your boy? Who's your buddy?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ugh, you're making me sick, dude.

                                     STAN
                         He's part Doberman, and part wolf! 
                         He's the toughest dog on the mountain!

                                     CARTMAN
                         No way. Everybody knows that Sylvester 
                         is the toughest dog in South Park!

               WHIP PAN to a mangy mutt bull dog sitting on the curb that 
               looks ridiculously fierce and pissed off.

                                     STAN
                         He's not meaner than Sparky!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh yeah? Let's see... HEY SYLVESTER!

               Sylvester angrily walks over to the boys. He and Sparky 
               immediately growl at each other.

                                     STAN
                         Sparky'll kick his ass!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'll put a dollar on Sylvester!

                                     KYLE
                         You're on, dude!

               Sparky and the other dog circle each other. Finally Sparky 
               lunges!

                                     STAN
                         That's it, Sparky kick his ass!

               Sparky hops on top of the dog. We see only the top part of 
               Sparky and the boys' faces, which all look confused.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Huh... He's doing something to his 
                         ass. He's not kicking his ass, but 
                         he's definitely doing something to 
                         his ass.

                                     STAN
                         Sparky?! Bad dog.

                                     KENNY
                         Mphph rmph rm rmph!

                                     STAN
                         WHAT?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah dude, I think your dog is gay!

                                     STAN
                         What do you mean?

                                     CARTMAN
                         That dog is a gay homosexual.

                                     STAN
                              (To the boys)
                         He's just confused.

                                     KYLE
                         I think the OTHER dog's the one that's 
                         confused.

                                     KENNY
                         Mph rmph rmph!

                                     STAN
                         Sick, shut up, dude!

               Finally, Sylvester runs away yelping.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Singing)
                         Stan's dog's a homo! Stan's dog's a 
                         homo!

               Cartman is cut off by the big yellow bus entering frame.

               EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY

               The large football field sits behind South Park Elementary. 
               The boys are all dressed in cute little football uniforms, 
               with "South Park Cows" on the jerseys and a cow's head on 
               the helmet.

                                     CHEF
                         Okay children, I know that you're 
                         all extremely excited, nervous and 
                         anxious about the homecoming game 
                         against Middle Park --

                                     KYLE
                         Who's Middle Park?

                                     CARTMAN
                         What's homecoming?

                                     CHEF
                         -- But just remember what I taught 
                         you: That football is like making 
                         love to a really beautiful women; 
                         You can't always score, but when you 
                         do it makes all the trying worth 
                         while.

               The kids blink.

                                     CHEF
                         Now let's start practice!

               Chef blows his whistle and the kids put on their helmets and 
               walk to the field.

                                     PIP
                         Ah, Mr. Chef, sir?

                                     CHEF
                         Yes, Pip, what is it?

                                     PIP
                         Well I still don't have a helmet.

                                     CHEF
                         I know, Pip, the school can't afford 
                         helmets for everybody.

                                     PIP
                         Yes, but, couldn't we ROTATE who 
                         doesn't have a helmet every week? 
                         Does it always have to be me?

                                     CHEF
                         Yes, Pip, I'm afraid it does.

                                     PIP
                         Oh.

                                     CHEF
                         Sorry, son, now get your ass in there.

               Pip joins the other kids, who are in huddled positions at 
               the line of scrimmage.

               Stan plays quaterback.

                                     STAN
                         HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT! 
                         HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT!

                                     CHEF
                         HIKE THE DAMN BALL!!

               Cartman snaps the ball, which goes flying past Stan.

               The kids all yell and run around in circles. Kyle charges 
               Pip head first, smashing Pip's helmetless head open.

               Chef rolls his eyes as Jimbo and Ned come walking up.

                                     JIMBO
                         Hey, how's practice coming there, 
                         Chef?

                                     CHEF
                         Huh? Oh, fine, fine.

                                     JIMBO
                         I don't have to remind you just how 
                         important this game is to us South 
                         Park alumni.

                                     CHEF
                         Elementary school alumni?

                                     JIMBO
                         That's as far as most of us got. You 
                         think we have a shot at beating the 
                         spread against Middle Park this year?

                                     CHEF
                         I don't know? What's the spread?

                                     JIMBO
                         Middle Park by seventy points.

                                     CHEF
                         Hmmm...

               Chef looks over at the kids who are running around in circles. 
               Cartman takes the ball and immediately falls over on top of 
               Kenny.

                                     CHEF
                         I don't think we have a chance.

                                     JIMBO
                         Nonsense, not with MY nephew at 
                         quaterback! Right, Stanly?!

                                     STAN
                         Huh?

               Stan turns and gets smacked in the head with the football. 
               He falls down, but then quickly gets up, grabs the ball and 
               throws an incredible long bomb...

               At the other end, Kyle catches the ball!

                                     JIMBO
                         Atta boy!!

                                     CHEF
                         Great pass, Stan!

                                     JIMBO
                         C'mon, Ned, we gotta get our asses 
                         to the bookie!

               Jimbo and Ned dash off.

               EXT. NEAR FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY

               The boys are all taking off their uniforms.

                                     CHEF
                         Okay, that was a good practice 
                         children, we'll see you here again 
                         tomorrow.

                                     KYLE
                         Hey Stan, isn't that your dog?

               Stan looks to see that Sparky is prancing onto the playing 
               field.

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, he must have followed me to 
                         football practice. You see? He IS 
                         smart!

                                     KID (CLYDE)
                         Aw, my dog Rex follows me to football 
                         practice all the time.

               Little Rex just sits there. Sparky walks over to it.

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, but MY dog found his own way 
                         here! That makes him smarter than 
                         your -- SPARKY get down!!

                                     KID
                         OH MY GOD, WHAT IS HE DOING TO MY 
                         DOG?!?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         There he goes again!

                                     STAN
                         GET DOWN SPARKY! DOWN!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Stan forgot to mention that his dog 
                         is a gay homosexual.

                                     KID
                         Make him stop!!

               Finally, Rex runs away, yelping with his tail between his 
               legs. All the other children start to laugh.

                                     KID #2
                         Ha, ha! I'm sure glad MY dog isn't 
                         gay!

                                     KID #3
                         Yeah, maybe you should name your dog 
                         SparkETTE Stan!

                                     KID #2
                         Gay dog!

               Stan looks at Sparky and sulks.

               INT. CLASSROOM

               Cartman is at the head of the class, giving what appears to 
               be a book report.

                                     CARTMAN
                         And so you see, Simon and Simon were 
                         not brothers in real life, only on 
                         television.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Thank you for that presentation, 
                         Eric, but the assignment was on Asian 
                         cultures. You get a D-.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Aw, Dammit!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Who should we call on next, Mr. Hat?

                                     MR. HAT
                         Well how about Stan, our little South 
                         Park quarterback star?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, good idea. Okay, Stanly, you're 
                         next.

               Stan gets up.

                                     STAN
                         Umm... I'm not really prepared either.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well, just make something up like 
                         Eric did.

                                     STAN
                         Okay... Uh... Asian culture has... 
                         plagued our fragile Earth for many 
                         years. We must end it --

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Excellent! A-.

                                     CARTMAN
                         AY!

                                     STAN
                         Wow, cool!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Wait a minute! Why the hell does he 
                         get an A-?!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Eric, Stanly just might lead our 
                         team to victory against the Middle 
                         Park Cowboys for the first time in 
                         decades, and we treat star athletes 
                         better, because they're better people.

                                     CARTMAN
                         That's not fair!

                                     MR. HAT
                         Life isn't fair, kiddo, get used to 
                         it.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (To himself)
                         Stupid puppet.

               The school bell rings. The kids all start to get up.

                                     MR. GARRISON (CONT'D)
                         Don't forget your assignments tonight, 
                         children. They're due tomorrow for 
                         everybody but Stan.

               The kids all walk out, but Stan stays behind and walks up to 
               Garrison's desk.

                                     STAN
                         Mr. Garrison, can I ask you a 
                         question?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Of course Stanly, what is it?

                                     STAN
                         What's a... homosexual?

               Mr. Garrison's eyes get a little wide, he takes a deep breath.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh... Well, Stanly, I guess you came 
                         to the right person... Sit down.

               Stan sits down, Mr. Garrison folds his hands.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                              (Soft and calm)
                         Stanly... Gay people... Well, gay 
                         people are evil. Evil right down to 
                         their cold black hearts, which pump 
                         not blood like yours and mine, but 
                         rather a thick, vomitus oil that 
                         oozes through their rotten veins and 
                         clots in their pea sized brains which 
                         becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque 
                         patterns of violent behavior. Do you 
                         understand?

                                     STAN
                         I guess.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Good, I'm glad we could have this 
                         little talk, Stanly. Now you go 
                         outside and practice football like a 
                         good little heterosexual.

               Stan blinks.

               EXT. BUSSTOP

               The boys get off the bus and head home.

                                     CARTMAN
                         You see me block that defense today? 
                         I was kicking ass.

                                     KYLE
                         You're gonna need to kick more ass 
                         than that to beat the Cowboys.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, speaking of pounding ass, here 
                         comes Stan's little homo dog.

                                     STAN
                         Shut up, dude!

               Sparky walks up wearing a pink scarf.

                                     STAN
                         Sparky! Where'd you get that pink 
                         scarf?!

               Sparky wags his tail. Stan grabs the scarf, pulls it off and 
               tosses it away. Sparky barks extremely gayly.

                                     SPARKY
                              (Feminine)
                         Bark, bark.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Man, that is the gayest dog I have 
                         ever seen.

                                     STAN
                         He just needs some training, that's 
                         all... Sit Sparky!

               Sparky sits.

                                     STAN
                         Good boy... Now, Shake...

               Sparky gives Stan his paw.

                                     STAN
                         Good boy... Now, DON'T BE GAY.

               Sparky cocks his head to one side. Stan holds out a doggie 
               snack.

                                     STAN
                         DON'T BE GAY, Spark. DON'T BE GAY.

               Sparky frowns.

                                     KYLE
                         Did it work?

                                     STAN
                         I dunno.

                                     CARTMAN
                         He still looks pretty gay to me.

               Some of the other kids walk by.

                                     KID
                         Hey Stan, your dog been to any pride 
                         marches lately?

                                     KID 2
                         Yeah, maybe you should take him to a 
                         Barbara Streisand concert.

                                     KID
                         Ha Ha Yea.

                                     KID 2
                         Stupid little gay dog.

                                     KID
                         Gay dog.

               The mean kids walk away. Stan fumes.

                                     STAN
                         Come on you guys, I have an idea!

               EXT. SMALL WOODEN BUILDING

               Jimbo and Ned walk up to the humble, small building and open 
               the door.

               INT. SPORTS BAR

               The interior is ridiculously huge. Like the sports book at 
               Ceasars Palace.

               Ned and Jimbo walk up to the booking counter.

                                     JIMBO
                         I want five hundred dollars on the 
                         South Park Cows!

                                     BOOKIE
                         Are you crazy?

                                     JIMBO
                         No siree, I'm telling you I got the 
                         line. My nephew Stan is the best 
                         quarterback the school has ever seen. 
                         I GUARANTEE they'll beat the spread!!

               Suddenly, all the South Park residents go crazy placing bets 
               at the counter.

                                     TOWNSPERSON 1
                         I'm gonna put all my money on the 
                         Cows!

                                     TOWNSPERSON 2
                         I'll put three hundred on the cows 
                         if they guarantee it.

                                     TOWNSPERSON 3
                         Hey I wanna put some money on the 
                         cows too!

                                     TOWNSPERSON 1
                         He guarantees it?

                                     JIMBO
                         Uh -- Woa... Woa... Don't get TOO 
                         carried away, now... I...

               The place is an absolute frenzy, everyone in South Park is 
               betting their life savings.

                                     TOWNSPERSON 3
                         You better be right about this, Jimbo.

                                     JIMBO
                              (A little uneasy)
                         Huh, huh... yea, don't, don't worry 
                         yourself.

                                     NED
                         Are you sure Stan is that good?

                                     JIMBO
                              (Quietly)
                         Not THAT sure... I think we better 
                         come up with a back up plan... Uh 
                         let's see. Hey Bookie, what's the 
                         half time show gonna be?

                                     BOOKIE
                         You haven't heard? John Stamos' older 
                         brother Richard Stamos is gonna sing 
                         'Loving You'.

                                     NED
                         I love that song.

                                     JIMBO
                         Loving You?? THAT'S PERFECT!!! Come 
                         on Ned, Middle Park's gonna get a 
                         halftime show they'll never forget!

                                   COMMERCIAL BREAK #1

               EXT. STAN'S HOUSE - DAY

               The boys and Sparky are standing next to a very large box.

                                     STAN
                         Okay, Sparky, we got you a present. 
                         Now, why don't.... Dammit Sparky, 
                         where do you keep getting this thing?!

               Stan pulls the pink bandana off of Sparky and again tosses 
               it away.

                                     STAN
                         NO PINK BANDANA, SPARKY! BAD DOG!!

               Sparky turns his head.

                                     STAN
                         Now pay attention, Sparky...

               Stan opens the box, and out walks a gorgeous white poodle, 
               with pink ribbons in her ears and a sparkling diamond collar.

                                     STAN
                         This is Fifi.

               Fifi struts around and shakes her rump.

                                     KYLE
                         Ooh la la!

               Sparky actually starts to look interested! Fifi walks in 
               front of him and Sparky slowly starts to follow her!

                                     CARTMAN
                         There he goes!

                                     STAN
                         Atta boy, Spark! Get her!

               Sparky hops up on top of Fifi --

                                     STAN
                         YES!!

               -- Sparky grabs Fifi's diamond collar with his teeth, rips 
               it off, and throws it over his own head.

               Stan looks incredibly disappointed as Sparky struts around 
               with his new jewelry.

                                     STAN
                         AW CRAP!! Now what do I do?!

                                     KYLE
                         Who cares if your dog is gay. Maybe 
                         it's not that bad.

                                     CARTMAN
                         No way, dude! My mom says God hates 
                         gay people... That's why He smote 
                         the sodomies in France.

                                     KENNY
                         Mph rmphrm rmph rmph.

                                     STAN
                         I know, Mr. Garrison said that 
                         homosexuals are evil... But, but 
                         Sparky doesn't seem evil.

                                     KYLE
                         Well, maybe Mr. Garrison is wrong. 
                         You should ask somebody else.

                                     STAN
                         Like who?

               INT. TELEVISION

                                     NARRATOR
                         And now back to Jesus and Pals on 
                         South Park public access.

               INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - DAY

               Jesus sits at a desk with his hands folded.

                                     JESUS
                         Yea, many of you are seeking answers. 
                         And I am the way for you my children. 
                         Let's open the phone lines back up 
                         for some questions.

               Jesus hits a button on the desk.

                                     JESUS
                         Hello caller, you're on the air.

                                     MAN
                         Yeah, is this Jesus?

                                     JESUS
                         Yes my son.

                                     MAN
                         This... this is Robert from Torrey 
                         Pines. I called last week asking for 
                         advice on my Ex-wife.

                                     JESUS
                         Of course, Robert, how are things 
                         now?

                                     MAN
                         Everything's much better, Jesus, she 
                         hasn't mouthed off since. I just 
                         wanted to thank you for the advice. 
                         Oh, and for dying for my sins, too. 
                         That was really nice of you.

                                     JESUS
                         Blessed art thou, Robert. Next caller, 
                         you're on the air.

                                     STAN
                         Uh, hi, Jesus? I have a dog... And 
                         he's... Uh... He's a homosexual.

                                     JESUS
                         My son, a lot of people have wondered 
                         what my stance on homosexuality is. 
                         So I'd like to state once and for 
                         all my true opinion. You see --

               Suddenly, the image is replaced by a card that reads 'South 
               Park Public Access'.

                                     NARRATOR
                         That's all the time we have left for 
                         Jesus and Pals, now stay tuned for 
                         Marty's Movie Reviews!

               INT. STAN'S HOUSE - DAY

               Stan angrily hangs up the phone.

                                     STAN
                         DAMMIT!

                                     KYLE
                         What'd he say?

                                     STAN
                         I got cut off for Marty's stupid 
                         Movie Reviews!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh Marty's Movie reviews are on?! 
                         Kick ass!!

               Cartman leaves.

                                     STAN
                         ISN'T THERE ANYBODY WHO CAN HELP 
                         ME?!?! ISN'T THERE ANYBODY WHO CARES?!

                                     KYLE
                         Come on, dude, we have to get to 
                         practice.

                                     STAN
                         NO IT'S NOT OKAY!! I DON'T WANT A 
                         GAY DOG!!!

               EXT. STAN'S HOUSE - DAY

               Sparky is standing in his little fenced yard. He looks up at 
               an open window in the house where he can hear Stan clearly.

                                     STAN
                         I WANT A BUTCH DOG!! I WANT A RIN 
                         TIN TIN!!

               Sparky lowers his head sadly. He turns, digs a quick little 
               hole under the fence, and walks away.

               Sparky looks back only once, then makes his way out into the 
               great unknown.

               EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY

                                     CHEF
                         Now children, we've got to handle 
                         the ball better.

               The boys are all standing there holding footballs.

                                     CHEF
                         You've got to hold your football 
                         like you would hold your lover.

               The boys just stand there.

                                     CHEF
                         Gently, yet firmly.

               The boys blink. Funky music kicks in.

                                     CHEF
                         You want to be both nurturing and 
                         clinging at the same time... Oh 
                         yeah... just like making sweet love 
                         to the football... Be naughty with 
                         the football --

                                     CHEF
                              (singing)
                         Spank it, ever so gently. Just..

                                     KYLE
                         Ah chef,

                                     CHEF
                         Spank it! Spank it!

                                     KYLE
                         CHEF!!!

                                     CHEF
                         Spank the football, Spank it.

                                     KYLE
                         CHEF!!!!!

               The music stops.

                                     CHEF
                         Huh? Oh... Sorry, children... Let's 
                         run some plays.

               The kids head for the field.

                                     PIP
                         Ah, Mr. Chef, sir?

                                     CHEF
                         No, Pip we still don't have a helmet 
                         for you.

                                     PIP
                         Right-o... But how about I'll use a 
                         helmet today, and one of the other 
                         children goes without.

                                     CHEF
                         That wouldn't be very fair to the 
                         other children now would it.

                                     PIP
                         Um, no... I guess not.

               EXT. BOMBSMITHS

               A small wooden building with a sign that reads 'Carl's' and 
               under that 'Bombs, Explosives, and Accessories'.

               INT. BOMBSMITHS

               Jimbo and Ned are sitting at a small table looking at a small 
               bomb.

                                     JIMBO
                         What we want to do, Carl, is put a 
                         trigger on that bomb that makes it 
                         go off at a specific moment during 
                         halftime.

                                     CARL
                         And what moment would that be?

                                     JIMBO
                         Well, John Stomos' older brother is 
                         all set to sing 'Loving You' during 
                         halftime. We want that bomb to go 
                         off when he hits that high F.

                                     CARL
                         What high F?

                                     JIMBO
                         You know --

                                     (SINGING)
                         Loving you, is easy 'cause you're 
                         beautiful... Doot'n Doot'n Doo Doo 
                         AAAAHHH!!!

                                     CARL
                         So you want it to trigger on the 
                         Doot'n Doo?

                                     JIMBO
                         No damnit the AAAHHHH!!

                                     CARL
                              (Hitting wrong note)
                         Aaahhhh?

                                     NED
                         Ahhhhhh

                                     JIMBO
                         AHHHHHH!

                                     CARL
                         Ahhhhh

                                     JIMBO
                         Doot'n doot'n doo doo. Ahhh

                                     NED
                         Doot'n doot'n doo doo.

                                     JIMBO
                         You got it.

                                     CARL
                         Doot'n doot'n doo doo. Ahhhhh, Uh 
                         yea okay.

               EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY

               Practice is over. The boys are taking off their uniforms.

                                     CHEF
                         What's the matter, Stan? You seem 
                         down.

                                     STAN
                         I just can't concentrate, 'cause my 
                         dog is gay.

                                     CHEF
                         Well, you know what they say; you 
                         can't teach a gay dog straight tricks.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, stop filling his head with that 
                         queer loving propaganda.

                                     CHEF
                         Say what? You of all people should 
                         be sympathetic.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         What do you mean?

                                     CHEF
                         Well you're gay aren't you?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         WHAT?! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING 
                         ABOUT?! I am not gay!

                                     CHEF
                         Well you sure do act like it.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I just act that way to get chicks, 
                         dumbass.

               Chef blinks.

                                     KYLE
                         What's the matter, dude?

                                     STAN
                         I don't know where Sparky is. He 
                         usually follows me to football 
                         practice.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Maybe he went shopping for some 
                         leather pants.

               Stan slugs Cartman in the head.

                                     CARTMAN
                         OW!!

               EXT. OUTSKIRTS OF SOUTHPARK

               All alone in a vast blizzard, Sparky trudges on. He walks 
               slowly and sadly.

               He turns his head one way, and then another, uncertain where 
               to go.

               Finally, he spots a large structure and walks towards it.

               The sign slowly becomes visible. It reads "Big Gay Al's".

               EXT. BIG AL'S

               Sparky walks up to large wooden doors, from where a large 
               gay man emerges.

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         Hello there, little pup. I'm Big Gay 
                         Al.

               Sparky looks around.

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         Have you been outcast?

               Sparky gives a little nod.

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         Well then I'm so glad you found my 
                         big gay animal sanctuary. We're all 
                         big gay friends here. Would you like 
                         to live with us?

               Sparky seems to smile.

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         Come on in, little fellow. Nobody 
                         will ever oppress you here...

               Sparky Follows Big Gay Al into the large wooden doors.

               EXT. BUSSTOP - THE NEXT DAY

               Stan walks up to the other boys.

                                     STAN
                         Have you guys seen Sparky? He still 
                         hasn't come back.

                                     KYLE
                         Wow, it's been like two days.

                                     STAN
                         I think he might have run away.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Did you check the shopping mall?

               Stan slugs Cartman in the head.

                                     CARTMAN
                         OW!

                                     KYLE
                         Well, we'll help you look for him 
                         after the game.

                                     STAN
                         I'm not playing.

                                     KYLE
                         You what?

                                     STAN
                         I'm not playing in that stupid game. 
                         I have to find my dog.

               Stan walks away.

               EXT. MIDDLE PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY

               Middle Park is a much nicer, larger school.

               Jimbo and Ned quietly tiptoe around the exterior of the 
               school. Ned is carrying the bomb.

                                     JIMBO
                         Come on, Ned, and keep quiet.

                                     NED
                         Okay.

               They walk up to a little fenced-in horse. A sign above it 
               reads 'Middle Park Cowboys Mascot - "Enrique"'.

                                     JIMBO
                         Hello there, Enrique.

                                     NED
                         What are we doing here?

                                     JIMBO
                         Well, Ned, we always kidnap middle 
                         park's mascot... But THIS year we're 
                         gonna booby trap it instead!

               Jimbo attaches the bomb to the horse.

                                     JIMBO
                         And when John Stamos older brother 
                         hits that high F in 'Loving You' 
                         BOOM!! No more middle park players!!

               Jimbo and Ned laugh. The horse looks extremely worried.

                                     JIMBO
                         God damn I love football!

               EXT. OUTSIDE OF SOUTH PARK

               Stan walks along looking for Sparky.

                                     STAN
                         Sparky! Where are you??!!

               Stan stops and looks around.

                                     STAN
                         Where could he be?!

               EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - FIGHT

               Now a large crowd has gathered at the football field. The 
               Middle Park Cowboys, looking sharp in silver and blue uniforms 
               warm up for the game by doing stretches.

                                     SPORTSCASTER FRANK
                         Hello everyone, this is Frank Hammond 
                         at South Park public radio AM 900, 
                         welcome to tonight's match up between 
                         the Middle Park Cowboys and the South 
                         Park Cows. Well, looks like Chef, 
                         the South Park Cows' coach is a little 
                         nervous... This is probably because 
                         his star quarterback has yet to show 
                         up.

                                     CHEF
                              (nervously checking 
                              his watch)
                         Come on, Stan...

                                     PIP
                         Uh, Mr. Chef, if Stanley doesn't 
                         show up, can I use his helmet?

                                     CHEF
                         No, Pip, I'm sorry.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK

               Stan looks tired and beaten as he walks through the frozen 
               tundra of South Park.

                                     STAN
                         Sparky?! SPAAAARKY?!

                                   COMMERCIAL BREAK #2

               EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - FIGHT

                                     REFEREE
                         PLAY BALL!!

                                     CHEF
                         You're gonna have to quaterback, 
                         Kyle.

                                     KYLE
                         But I never practiced quarterback.

                                     CHEF
                         Well it's a little late for that 
                         bullcrap now.

               The ref blows his whistle and the kids head for the field.

                                     SPORTSCASTER FRANK
                         Filling in for quarterback is number 
                         12, Kyle Broslofski.

               The townspeople all MOAN and GASP.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Hey, hey, where's little Stanly?

                                     MR. HAT
                         Yeah, why the hell is that little 
                         Jewish kid playing quarterback?!

               Jimbo and Ned look at each other worriedly.

                                     JIMBO
                         Ned! Look!

               Jimbo points to the Middle Park sidelines, where Enrique is 
               just barely visible in a little cage. Strapped around 
               Enrique's torso, is the large, obvious bomb.

                                     JIMBO
                         They've got Enrique on their 
                         sidelines! And it looks like that 
                         bomb is still attached!

                                     NED
                         Yea!

               Jimbo and Ned rejoice.

               EXT. BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY ANIMAL SANCTUARY

               Stan walks up upon the HUGE compound on the outskirts of 
               town. A large man with a pencil mustache comes out of the 
               front gate.

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         Hi, little fella, how are you doing 
                         today?

                                     STAN
                         Fine, how are you?

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         I'm super, thanks for asking!

                                     STAN
                         My gay dog ran away and I was 
                         wondering if maybe he came here.

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         Well... Let's see. Come on in!

               Big Gay Al whisks Stan inside the compound.

               EXT. BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY ANIMAL SANCTUARY

               A huge outdoor compound with swimming pools and volleyball 
               sandpits and every animal imaginable.

                                     STAN
                         Do you have lots of gay dogs here?

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         We have all sorts of gay animals 
                         here at Big Gay Al's. Over here we 
                         have a gay lion --

               A big GAY LION lounges in the corner.

                                     GAY LION
                         Roar.

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         And we have gay water buffalo, gay 
                         hummingbirds -- here's a gaggle of 
                         gay gooses.

               A bunch of gooses walk by wing in wing and blow a kiss to 
               Al.

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         Hi fellas, it's so super to see you!

                                     STAN
                         Wow, it seems like the animals here 
                         are really happy.

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         Of course they are silly buns! It's 
                         the one place where gay animals can 
                         really be themselves. Do you like to 
                         dance?

               Big Gay Al hits a switch on the wall and raging TECHNO music 
               kicks in. All the animals start to gyrate.

               EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - NIGHT

               The South Park team is in a huddle.

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman you hike me the ball. Then 
                         somebody run and I'll throw it or 
                         something. Ready...

                                     PLAYERS
                         BREAK!

               The kids step up to the line of scrimmage and look over the 
               ominous Middle Park players.

                                     MIDDLE PARK PLAYER
                         You guys are toast.

                                     MIDDLE PARK PLAYER #2
                         Yeah! We're gonna pound your heads 
                         in!

                                     CARTMAN
                         We'll just see about that!

               Kyle gets behind Cartman, Cartman gets ready to hike the 
               ball.

                                     KYLE
                         Set... Set...

               Cartman farts.

                                     KYLE
                         DAMMIT CARTMAN!!

               Suddenly Kyle backs off.

                                     CHEF
                              (Shouting)
                         What's the matter?!

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman farted!

                                     CARTMAN
                         No I didn't! That was just my shoes.

               Chef rolls his eyes.

                                     CHEF
                         Come on, Kyle, we'll get a delay of 
                         game penalty!

                                     KYLE
                         No way, dude!

                                     CHEF
                         HIKE THE BALL!!

                                     KYLE
                         Oh, dude, weak.

               Kyle lifts his jersey up over his nose and gets back behind 
               Cartman.

                                     CARTMAN
                         That's right you get back there now.

                                     KYLE
                         HIKE!

               The ball snaps.

                                     SPORTSCASTER FRANK
                         The ball is snapped... Middle Park 
                         Blitzes!!

               The Middle Park kids charge Kyle and pound the shit out of 
               him.

                                     SPORTSCASTER FRANK
                         FUMBLE!! Middle Park gets the ball... 
                         They run it in for a TOUCHDOWN!! The 
                         score is seven -- nothing Middle 
                         Park with 14:57 remaining in the 
                         first quarter.

               In the stands, Ned and Jimbo look at each other with concern.

                                     JIMBO
                         Hell's bells.

                                     SPORTSCASTER FRANK
                         I haven't seen a beating like that 
                         since Rodney King.

               Sportscaster Phil quickly covers the microphone.

                                     SPORTSCASTER PHIL
                         Now Frank, that's not very P.C. you're 
                         gonna get in trouble again!

                                     SPORTSCASTER FRANK
                         Right, right, I gotta watch that...

                                     TOWNSPERSON
                         If we lose our money 'cause of your 
                         nephew, we're gonna hang you up to 
                         dry, Jimbo!

                                     JIMBO
                         Don't ya'll worry... You just wait 
                         'til halftime!

               INT. BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY ANIMAL SANCTUARY

               The animals continue to dance. Stan dances techno with them, 
               when suddenly he spots something.

                                     STAN
                         SPARKY!!

                                     SPARKY
                         Bark.

               Sparky walks over with his pink bandana, happy to see Stan.

                                     STAN
                         Hiya Sparky, how's it going?

                                     SPARKY
                         Bark.

                                     STAN
                         I missed you, old pal, you really 
                         had me scared.

                                     SPARKY
                         Bark.

                                     STAN
                         Come on, let's go home, I can still 
                         make it in time for the game.

               Sparky starts to follow Stan out.

                                     STAN
                         We can work on making you not gay 
                         together.

               Sparky stops in his tracks. Stan turns back around, puzzled.

                                     STAN
                         Sparky?

               Just then, Big Gay Al walks up behind Stan.

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         Young man it appears you still don't 
                         understand.

                                     STAN
                         What don't I understand?

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         Come this way, I have to show you 
                         something.

               EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - NIGHT

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         With just over a minute to go in the 
                         half, the score is Middle Park Cowboys 
                         52, South Park cows 0.

               Kyle again hikes the ball, he hands off to Pip, whose head 
               is a bloody, dirty mass. Pip charges the line of scrimmage 
               and is immediately pummeled.

               One of the Cowboys scoops up the ball and runs it in for a 
               touchdown.

                                     SPORTSCASTER FRANK
                         I haven't seen an Englishman take a 
                         blow like that since Hugh Grant.

                                     SPORTSCASTER PHIL
                              (Covering the mic)
                         Dude! Now that is NOT COOL!

                                     SPORTSCASTER FRANK
                         Sorry, sorry.

               INT. BIG GAY AL'S

               Stan follows Big Gay Al through a large Corridor.

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         Okay Stan, I think you should get in 
                         line for my big gay boat ride.

               Big Gay Al points to a Disneyland-esque ride with 'Big Gay 
               Al's Big Gay Boat Adventure' sign above it.

               Little wooden boats travel along a man-made canal, similar 
               to the Jungle Cruise.

               About four people are standing in line.

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         Step aboard, Stanly.

               Stan and Big Gay Al get on one of the little boats, which 
               heads down the canal. Big Gay Al picks up a microphone at 
               the front of the boat.

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         Hello everyone, and welcome aboard 
                         the big gay boat ride. On this 
                         adventure, we'll be seeing the world 
                         of gayness throughout time.

               Stan blinks.

               INT. FOOTBALL FIELD - NIGHT

               The Cowboys kick off the ball to the Cows.

                                     SPORTSCASTER FRANK
                         And the South Park Cows are set to 
                         receive... There's the kick... It's 
                         taken by number 23, Kenny McKormik.

               Kenny grabs the ball and runs down the field. He actually 
               manages to dodge some tacklers!

               He runs faster and faster! He just might make a good play!

                                     SPORTSCASTER FRANK
                         He's at the 50! The 40! The 30!

               Suddenly, two Middle Park players tackle Kenny, violently 
               ripping off one of his arms. Kenny starts bleeding profusely, 
               then gets his head ripped off by another Cowboy player.

                                     SPORTSCASTER FRANK
                         The little running back is DOWN! I 
                         think he's... Yes he's been 
                         decapitated!

                                     KYLE
                         OH MY GOD! THEY'VE KILLED KENNY! YOU 
                         BASTARDS!!

                                     SPORTSCASTER PHIL
                         That's gotta hurt, Frank!

                                     SPORTSCASTER FRANK
                         Ouch-a-roo!

                                     CHEF
                         Hey, come on, that was roughing!! 
                         ...At least let us scrape him off 
                         the field!!

                                     SPORTSCASTER FRANK
                         Looks like the South Park Cows aren't 
                         even going to beat the 72 point 
                         spread, not by a long shot.

               INT. BIG GAY AL'S

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         You see, Gayness has existed since 
                         the beginning of time...

               The boat passes little animatronic cave men. Two of the cave 
               men are holding hands.

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         From the Egyptian Pharaohs...

               The boat passes two gay Egyptian men.

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         To the Shoguns of Japan...

               Two Shoguns in a techno dance club.

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         Oh, oh! Look out! It's the oppressors! 
                         Christians and Republicans and Nazis 
                         OH MY!

               Three lame animatronics dressed respectively as a Christian, 
               a Republican and a Nazi, beat an innocent homosexual with a 
               pipe.

               Just like the jungle cruise, Big gay Al takes out a fake 
               pistol and fires blanks at the animatronics.

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         Hoo! Oh gosh That was close! Okay 
                         let's steer our big gay boat out of 
                         here, and into a place where gays 
                         are allowed to live freely...

               The boat passes through to large doors, which open into a 
               HUGE, colorful, festive room where tons of animatronics dance 
               and sing merrily.

                                     SONG
                         We're all gay and it's okay! 'Cause 
                         gay means happy and happy means gay! 
                         We're not sad anymore 'cause we're 
                         out the closet door! It's OKAY to be 
                         GAY!!

               Stan looks around in disbelief. All the gay things dance, 
               sing and do silly things.

                                     SONG
                         It's okay to be Gay! it's okay to be 
                         Gay! La La La La La...

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         So what do you think, Stan?

                                     STAN
                         This kicks ass!

               Stan looks down at Sparky.

                                     STAN
                         I'm sorry I tried to change you, 
                         Spark. I just didn't understand.

               Sparky barks and pants happily. Stan pets him on the head.

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         Isn't this precious?

               EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - HALFTIME - NIGHT

                                     SPORTSCASTER FRANK
                         And now here to sing the touching 
                         song 'Loving You' is the one and 
                         only... John Stamos' brother!!!

               The crowd let's out a small smattering of applause. Music 
               begins.

               Jimbo and Ned give each other knowing glances and then look 
               over at the Middle Park sidelines.

               ANGLE - SIDELINES

               Enrique is absolutely horrified, waiting to explode in the 
               midst of the Middle Park players.

               RESUME - FOOTBALL FIELD

               Patrick Stamos steps up to the mic and starts to sing.

                                     JOHN STAMOS' BROTHER
                         Loving you... Is easy 'cause you're 
                         beautiful...

               ANGLE - JIMBO AND NED ANGLE - ENRIQUE RESUME - FOOTBALL FIELD

                                     JOHN STAMOS' BROTHER
                         Do du doot'n da doo...

               And then the big note is about to come...

                                     JOHN STAMOS' BROTHER
                              (Low register)
                         Ahhha.....Ahhhh.......Ahhhhh.

               Jimbo and Ned look shocked.

                                     JIMBO
                         What the hell?! He didn't sing the 
                         high F!!!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Richard Stamos can't sing a high F. 
                         He always screws it up like this.

               Jimbo and Ned look absolutely defeated.

                                     JIMBO
                         Ned... We're gonna get our asses 
                         kicked.

                                     JOHN STAMOS' BROTHER
                         Loving you...

                                     MR. GARRISON
                              (heckling)
                         It's obvious where all the talent in 
                         THAT family went!

                                     JOHN STAMOS' BROTHER
                         Doot'n doot'n doo doo...

                                   COMMERCIAL BREAK #3

               EXT. BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY ANIMAL SANCTUARY

               Stan, Sparky and Big Gay Al stand outside the Animal 
               Sanctuary.

                                     STAN
                         Thanks for everything Big Gay Al!

                                     SPARKY
                         Bark!!

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         No problem kids! Are you sure you 
                         don't wanna stay for some toasted 
                         cheese sandwiches?

                                     STAN
                         No thanks, I've gota get back for 
                         the big football game. Come on boy!

               Stan and Sparky run off.

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         Oh Stan --

               Stan turns around.

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         When you get back to town... Tell 
                         them about us, will you? Tell them 
                         there are gay animals here who need 
                         homes desperately.

                                     STAN
                         I will Big Gay Al, I will.

               Stan waves goodbye and runs off. Big Gay Al watches Stan go 
               fondly, and then suddenly panics.

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         Ooh, my carrot cake!

               EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - NIGHT

               The little football clad kids crash violently into each other.

                                     SPORTSCASTER FRANK
                         And these South Park cows are being 
                         absolutely MOLESTED by Middle Park. 
                         I haven't seen so many children 
                         molested since --

               In the stands, the townspeople are just sitting there, bored 
               and disheartened.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I thought you said beating the spread 
                         was a sure thing, Jimbo!

                                     MR. HAT
                         Yeah, we all put our lives' savings 
                         in this game!

                                     TOWNSPERSON 1
                         You're a DEAD MAN, Jimbo!!

               Jimbo shrinks in his seat as all the townspeople start YELLING 
               at him and throwing their food at him.

                                     SPORTSCASTER FRANK
                         Well, this should just about wrap it 
                         up for -- Wait a minute, what's this?

               Suddenly, Stan and Sparky come running over the hill. The 
               townspeople all CHEER!!

                                     SPORTSCASTER PHIL
                         It's Stan, the South Park star 
                         quarterback!!

                                     CHEF
                         Where the hell of you been, Stan?

                                     STAN
                         I've been getting my best friend 
                         back.

               Sparky pants happily.

                                     CHEF
                         Just get in there, boy!

               Chef throws a helmet on Stan's head and pats his ass toward 
               the playing field.

                                     JIMBO
                         Give 'em hell, Stanly!!

               Stan walks up to the line of scrimmage.

                                     JIMBO
                              (Praying)
                         Jesus... Now I haven't asked you for 
                         much... But all we need is one little 
                         score. PLEASE? PLEASE Jesus??

               Pull back to reveal that Jesus is sitting next to him in the 
               stands.

                                     JESUS
                         Leave me alone.

                                     STAN
                         HIKE!

                                     SPORTSCASTER FRANK
                         Stan hikes the ball... He steps back 
                         to pass!!

                                     KYLE
                         Hey Stan! I'm open I think!!

                                     SPORTSCASTER FRANK
                         And he throws it to Kyle, the little 
                         Jewish kid!

               Kyle catches the ball and runs down the field.

                                     SPORTSCASTER FRANK
                         Oh my! I haven't seen a Jew run like 
                         that since Poland, 1938!

                                     SPORTSCASTER PHIL
                         DUDE!!

               Kyle runs into the end zone and falls down.

                                     SPORTSCASTER PHIL
                         TOUCHDOWN!!!!!

               The crowd goes wild.

                                     SPORTSCASTER FRANK
                         The clock runs out! And the Final 
                         score is Middle Park Cowboys 73, 
                         South Park cows six! South Park beats 
                         the spread.

               Everybody cheers and hugs. The South Park Cows all converge 
               on Stan and rejoice.

               Stan is heroically hoisted onto a small stage, where everybody 
               is gathered around.

                                     TOWNSPERSON
                         Speech!

               Sportscaster Frank steps up and shoves a microphone in front 
               of Stan.

                                     SPORTSCASTER FRANK
                         Stan, what do you want to tell the 
                         world about this stunning almost 
                         victory?

                                     STAN
                         Uh... It... It's really cool that we 
                         beat the spread against the Cowboys.

               The townspeople all cheer.

                                     STAN
                         And... And maybe we can beat 'em 
                         even more next year!

               The townspeople all cheer.

                                     STAN
                         And it's okay to be gay!

               The townspeople all get incredibly quiet.

                                     JIMBO
                         What?!

                                     STAN
                         Being gay is just a part of nature, 
                         and a beautiful thing!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         What the hell is he talking about?!

                                     SPORTSCASTER FRANK
                         Uh... Stanly you arrived very late 
                         in the game, where were you that 
                         whole time?

                                     STAN
                         I was with my new friend Big Gay Al. 
                         He showed me his Big Gay Animal 
                         Sanctuary and took me on a Big Gay 
                         Boat ride where I learned all about 
                         the wonders of gayety.

               The townspeople all look at each other and blink.

                                     STAN
                         It's true, I'll show you.

               EXT. BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY ANIMAL SANCTUARY

               Nestled between the two mountain peaks are... Nothing. No 
               Big Gay Al's... Nothing.

                                     STAN
                         But it was here... It was all right 
                         here. There was a techno dance club...

                                     CARTMAN
                         Stan, you need to lay off the cough 
                         syrup, alright, seriously I'm worried 
                         about you man.

                                     TOWNSPERSON
                         OLIVER!!

               A townsperson runs over to where all the gay animals are 
               standing and picks up a cat.

                                     TOWNSPERSON
                         I thought you ran away all those 
                         months ago!

               Now other townspeople walk toward the gay animals and start 
               to reunite.

                                     TOWNSPERSON 2
                         SIDNEY!!

                                     TOWNSPERSON 3
                         WHINNY!!

                                     TOWNSPERSON 4
                         CARLOS!!

               The townspeople all rejoice with their gay animals, leaving 
               Stan all alone.

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         I want to thank you for bringing 
                         everybody here.

               Big Gay Al is standing there with a small suitcase, which he 
               sets on the ground and opens.

                                     STAN
                         Oh, there you are, dude. How's it 
                         going?

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         I'm super, thanks for asking. It 
                         looks like now my work here is done.

               Big Gay Al steps into his suit case, and presses a large 
               blue button.

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         Goodbye, Stanly, peace be with you.

               The suitcase closes with Big Gay Al inside, then powers up 
               and shoots up into the sky to outer-space.

                                     STAN
                         Wow...

               Stan watches as the little suitcase ship becomes just another 
               twinkling star.

                                   COMMERCIAL BREAK #4

                                     JOHN STAMOS' BROTHER
                         YOU GUYS, YOU GUYS!! I CAN DO IT!!

               Everybody looks at Patrick Stamos.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Do what?

                                     JOHN STAMOS' BROTHER
                              (Singing)
                         Loving you... Is easy 'cause you're 
                         beautiful. Doot'n Doot'n...

               Enrique looks absolutely horrified. Jimbo and Ned look even 
               more horrified.

                                     JIMBO
                         NO!!!

                                     JOHN STAMOS' BROTHER
                         Doo Doo! AABOOOOMMM!!

                                          THE END

Big Gay Al's big gay boatride



Writers :   Matt Stone  Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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