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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                     Episode 713


                                      "BUTT OUT"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [South Park Elementary, gymnasium, day. A school meeting is called 
               and kids file in. Between two basketball backboards hangs a blue 
               banner with the words "BUTT OUT!" The O doubles as a no-smoking 
               symbol. There's plenty of chatter in the gym.]
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          M'kay, kids, can I have it quiet, please? 
                         M'kay? M'kay, quiet now, the assembly's 
                         about to start, m'kay. M'kay, quiet 
                         ple-m k-m'kay?  M'kay. Uh, now kids, 
                         we have a really fun motivational group 
                         today who are gonna talk to you about 
                         the dangers of smoking, hm'kay? So please 
                         give a very big South Park Cows welcome 
                         to, "Butt Out!" 
 
                                     BUTT OUT!
                         Butt out! Yeah yeah! Kids, that cigarette 
                         butt is gross!
 
               Butt out! Uh huh! Smokin's got to go! [the music stops and the 
               troupe members strike poses]
 
                                     KYLE
                          Oh no...

                                     BUTT OUT!
                         Yeah! All right! Woohoo!!

                                     BUTT OUT! LADY
                         Hey students, how are we all feelin' 
                         today? Woooo! 
 
                                     BUTT OUT! MAN 1
                          Hey, did you guys know that each year 
                         over six hundred thousand people a year 
                         die from smoking? A year!
 
                                     BUTT OUT! MAN 2
                          Six hundred thousand?? Are you sure 
                         you're not just blowing smoke? 
 
                                     BUTT OUT! LADY
                         Blow smoke? Us? No way! Because we don't 
                         need to smoke and neither do you, right 
                         kids? Butt out! Break it down! 
 
                                     BUTT OUT!
                         Butt out! Yeah yeah! It's cool to say 
                         no!
 
               Butt out! Uh huh! Smokin's got to go!

                                     BUTT OUT! MAN 3
                          Smoking, no. No smoking. 

                                     BUTT OUT! MAN 2
                         Freestyle!

                                     BUTT OUT! LADY
                         Vernon! 

                                     VERNON
                         Don't smoke! Don't ever smoke!

                                     BUTT OUT!
                         Kyle! 

                                     KYLE
                         B to the U to the T to the T to the 
                         O to the U to the T to the C to the 
                         I to the G to the A to the R to the 
                         E to the T to the T to the E! Butt out, 
                         cigarette!
 
                                     KYLE
                          Dude, this is unbearable.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm going to kill myself 

                                     BUTT OUT!
                         Randy!

                                     RANDY
                          Smoke you know has got to go. You go, 
                         you got to know to say the "no" to the 
                         smoke, you go go..  ... you gotta get 
                         it!
 
                                     BUTT OUT!
                         Pam!

                                     PAM
                          Don's smoke.

                                     BUTT OUT!
                         Woohoo! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys, Kenny's eating his own hands. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey! What's the big deal? I like smoking, 
                         and it makes me cool! 
 
                                     PAM
                         Ohoh, really?? Do you think lung cancer 
                         is cool, too?? 
 
                                     RANDY
                         What about emphysema?? Is that cool?? 
                         
 
                                     VERNON
                         And what about abortion, and AIDS? 
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Pfft! That's none's the cool.

                                     PAM
                         Word.

                                     VERNON
                         Yeah. So butt out! 

                                     BUTT OUT!
                         Butt out! Yeah yeah! Give that cigarette 
                         butt a throw!
 
                                     STAN
                         Huh, Jesus Christ!

                                     BUTT OUT!
                         Butt out! Uh huh! Smokin's got to go!
 
                         
                                     VERNON
                         Remember, kids, if you smoke, you could 
                         grow up to be a failure.
 
                                     PAN
                         Worse yet, you could grow up to be dead. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         So don't believe what those evil tobacco 
                         companies tell you!
 
                                     RANDY
                         Yeah, because if you don't smoke, you 
                         can grow up to be-
 
                                     BUTT OUT!
                          Just Like Us. 

               [South Park Elementary, loading area. The boys are there next 
               to a trash bin, smoking ... and coughing]
 
                                     STAN
                         Give me a hit. Give me another one, 
                         give me another one. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Aw dude, this is really hard.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh shit, here comes Mr. Mackey. 

                                     KYLE
                         Throw 'em away!  Dudes, here he comes. 
                         Guys, stop coughing. 
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          Boys, what are you doing back here? 
                          I asked you a question: What are you 
                         doing back here, 'k?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Nothing.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         What??

                                     CARTMAN
                         Nothin' Na- Due-nothing. 

                                     KYLE
                          D'awww sick! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Gross dude! 

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Well hey, if I didn't know any better, 
                         I'd think you boys have been smoking!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         No... No, Mr. Mackey... We don't have 
                         any cigarettes.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Well you'd better not! Because let me 
                         tell you some'n' about smokin'!  Uh, 
                         smokin's bad, m'kay.  And uh, if you 
                         start smokin' at an early age, m'kay, 
                         ih it's gonna be bad.  M'kay, because 
                         uh, smoking can lead to all kinds of 
                         health problems like cancer.  M'kay, 
                         and let me tell you something about 
                         cancer, m'kay. Cancer's bad. M'kay, 
                         and uh, eh, what?  What the?  Holy shit! 
                         M'kay?! 
 
                                     MR. SLAVE
                         Oh! Jethuth Chritht! 

                                     STAN
                         ...Woops.

               [The Principal's office ...er, the remains, anyway. Only the 
               door and the desk remain. The bookshelves are burnt up except 
               for the bottom shelf. The cabinets are charred. The desk is charred 
               and two of its legs are burnt off]
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                          Well, you boys have certainly done 
                         it this time!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         We're sorry.

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Not as sorry as you're going to be when 
                         your parents get here! Ah, here they 
                         come now. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh God... 

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Come on in. 

                                     SHARON
                         Stanley, what did you do this time?!
 
                         
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         You'd better brace yourself, parents. 
                         The boys were caught... smoking!
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Smoking?

                                     SHARON
                         No, it can't be! My son is not a filthy 
                         smoker! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Mom...  Dad, it was just a-

                                     RANDY
                         I don't have a son!

                                     LIANE
                         Eric, you've done a lot of horrible 
                         things in your life, but smoking? You're 
                         grounded for three weeks!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Three weeks?! Are you fucking kidding 
                         me?
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Haven't you boys heard anything about 
                         how harmful smoking is to you and those 
                         around you?
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Of course they haven't, because the 
                         tobacco companies have gotten to them 
                         first. This is really their fault
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          Yeah. This is really their fault.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         No matter how much money the anti-smoking 
                         groups spend, the tobacco companies 
                         are there to fill our childrens' heads 
                         with lies and propaganda that make them 
                         wanna smoke.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Yeah, huh?  Ih, it's like the tobacco 
                         companies have control of my mind- No. 
                         Must. Fight it. Tobacco companies... 
                         making me want to smoke. Ah!
 
                                     LIANE
                         Oh my goodness, I had no idea.  Are 
                         you okay, sweetie?
 
                                     RANDY
                         Well, those God-damned tobacco companies 
                         aren't gonna have control over MY kid! 
                         I say we bring them down!
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         We need the help of the greatest anti-smoking 
                         celebrity that ever lived. Rob Reiner.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          Who's Rob Reiner?

               [Rob Reiner's Smoke Stoppers, day. A blue skyscraper flanked 
               by two taller blue towers, with the Hollywood sign in the background. 
               Inside, Rob Reiner speaks to four executives, but he's facing 
               the window. He's reading from some papers]
 
                                     ROB REINER
                          I don't understand it. I pushed a law 
                         for higher taxes on cigarettes, I lobbied 
                         to get images of cigarettes removed 
                         from movies and art, I forced smokers 
                         out of bars and parks, but still I get 
                         letters from parents saying their kids 
                         are doin' it.  Apparently, people still 
                         don't understand hwo bad smoking people 
                         is for them. Don't they know how dangerous 
                         it is to their health?  Don't they know 
                         the hazard of second-hand smoke?
 
                                     EXECUTIVE 1
                         According to the letter, sir, the town 
                         has a tobacco company quite near them.
 
                         
                                     ROB REINER
                         Yeah, that must be it.  The tobacco 
                         companies, with their millions of dollars 
                         and their slick desks and fancy buildings, 
                          they're the ones making music wanna 
                         smoke!  They're the ones hurting our 
                         nation's health! I will not stand by 
                         and see the children of America corrupted 
                         by those bastards!  This is war!!
 
                         
               Welcome Rob Reiner

               [South Park City Hall, day. People have gathered to greet Reiner 
               when he arrives, and some people have signs saying the same thing 
               as the banner. Other signs say "THANKS ROB!!", "Welcome MEATHEAD!" 
               and "Give 'em hell REINER!" Stan and friends wait by the front 
               door]
 
                                     KYLE
                         You guys, maybe we should come clean 
                         right now and tell everyone that it 
                         wasn't the tobacco companies that made 
                         us want to smoke.
 
                                     STAN
                         Hwat??

                                     CARTMAN
                         Why? It's perfect. If everyone's blaming 
                         the tobacco companies, then nobody's 
                         blaming us.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, what's the problem?

                                     KYLE
                         Well it's just that, eh, this seems 
                         like another one of those times when 
                         things are gonna get way out of hands, 
                         you know? It's been happening a lot 
                         lately. How about this time we just 
                         put a stop to it right now?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Dumbass, you don't wanna be grounded 
                         for three weeks, do you?
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, don't worry dude. Things aren't 
                         gonna get out of hand.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Here he comes! 

                                     ROB REINER
                          Damnit.  Butter!  Butter! 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         What'd he say?

                                     ROB REINER
                         Butter!!  Hello South Park!!  It is 
                         so nice to see an entire town come together 
                         to fight for good health! And I'm gonna 
                         help ya!  These poor innocent children 
                         have been seduced into smoking tobacco. 
                         So I say, "We fight fire with fire!" 
                         We're gonna use these children to bring 
                         the tobacco companies down! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh no...

               [The town bar. Reiner sits at a booth with the boys, feverishly 
               eating. A waitress comes up with a platter of cheeseburgers and 
               fries.]
 
                                     ROB REINER
                         All right kids, here's what we're gonna 
                         do.  We're gonna sneak you into the 
                         tobacco company by saying you kids want 
                         a tour for a school paper.  Once you're 
                         nside, mm, mm, I'm gonna take photos 
                         and then we'll publish them, saying 
                         that the tobacco company invited you 
                         over to seduce you into smoking. Got 
                         it?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Got it! 

                                     KYLE
                         But... isn't that, kind of, lying?
 
                         
                                     ROB REINER
                         Mm.  Uh, we're just leveling out the 
                         playing field.  The tobacco companies 
                         lie to you about the dangers of smoking. 
                         If we're gonna take them down, we've 
                         gotta lie right back!  Oh my God!  Excuse 
                         me!
 
                                     BUDS MAN
                         Yes?

                                     ROB REINER
                         Would you mind putting that death stick 
                         out?!
 
                                     BUDS MAN
                         But, uh, this is a bar.

                                     ROB REINER
                         Isn't smoking illegal in bars here?
 
                         
                                     BARTENDER
                         Not in Colorado

                                     ROB REINER
                         Oh my God! What kind of backward hick 
                         state is this?!
 
                                     BUDS MAN
                         Look man, I work fourteen hours a day 
                         at the saw mill. I just got off work 
                         and I need to relax.
 
                                     ROB REINER
                         Well when I relax I just go to my vacation 
                         house in Hawaii!
 
                                     BUDS MAN
                          I ain't got a vacation house in Hawaii!
 
                         
                                     ROB REINER
                         Yuh your vacation house in Mexico, then, 
                         whatever it is! Look, you are putting 
                         my life and these boys' lives in danger 
                         by smoking that in here! And I'm not 
                         gonna tolerate it! I will end smoking 
                         in bars in Colorado! There will be no 
                         more smoking here!
 
               [Back at the table...]

                                     CARTMAN
                          Isn't he awesome, you guys?

                                     KYLE
                         What??

                                     CARTMAN
                         Dude, he just goes around imposing his 
                         will on people. He's my idol. 
 
               [Big Tobacco Co., day. Reiner and the boys approach the front 
               door.]
 
                                     ROB REINER
                          All right boys, just do what I tell 
                         ya and we'll be able to sue this tobacco 
                         company for two billion dollars!  As 
                         soon as we get into the mani facility, 
                         I'll snap the photo of you kids, and 
                         we can all run out! Think you can handle 
                         it?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Handle it? For two billion dollars I'd 
                         handle my grandpa's balls, sir.
 
                                     ROB REINER
                         Heh, great.  Okay, now watch yourselves, 
                         kids. These tobacco company people will 
                         do anything to get you hooked on smoking. 
                         They are liars and they are frauds!
 
                         
               [Big Tobacco Co., headquarters. A door opens and closes.]

                                     RECEPTIONIST
                         Can I help you?

                                     ROB REINER
                          Yes. My name is Rita Poon. I called 
                         about my boys wanting a tour.
 
                                     EXECUTIVE
                          Ah, yes, Mrs. Poon. My name's Kevin 
                         Harris and I'm the vice president of 
                         Big Tobacco.
 
                                     ROB REINER
                         Oh. Hello, Mr. Harris.

                                     KEVIN HARRIS
                         Well, come on in.  How about a little 
                         history first?  Native Americans were 
                         the first to cultivate the tobacco plant. 
                         They smoked it in pipes for medicinal 
                         and ceremonial purposes.
 
                                     ROB REINER
                          Not if I were around, they wouldn't 
                         have.
 
                                     KEVIN HARRIS
                         Escuse me?

                                     ROB REINER
                         Oh, nothing! Please continue.

                                     KEVIN HARRIS
                         The first successful commercial crop 
                         of tobacco was cultivated in Virginia 
                         in 1612.  Within seven years it was 
                         one of the country's largest exports.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         So, tobacco helped to build America.
 
                         
                                     KEVIN HARRIS
                         That's right. Over the next few centuries 
                         the tobacco business was so great that 
                         many slaves were brought from Africa 
                         to help work the fields.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Which means, if it weren't for tobacco, 
                         many of our black friends wouldn't be 
                         here today.
 
                                     KEVIN HARRIS
                          And so for centuries, tobacco production 
                         flourished. Nobody was even aware of 
                         any dangers back then, until, in 1965, 
                          when Congress passed an act forcing 
                         all tobacco companies to put the Surgeon 
                         General's warning on their packages. 
                         So now, everyone knows the dangers of 
                         smoking. And some people still choose 
                         to do it, and we believe that's what 
                         being an American is all about.
 
                                     KYLE
                         That sound perfectly reasonable.

                                     KEVIN HARRIS
                         And here's our factory at work. 

                                     FACTORY WORKERS
                         With a hidey lidey lidey and a hidey 
                         lidey lay
 
               We work and we make cigarettes all hidey lidey day

               So folks can get a breaky from their stressful lidey lives

               And relaxy with the cigarettes we make all day and night

                                     YOUNG WORKER
                         I like to have a cigarehette every now 
                         and then 
 
               It makes me fee-l calmer when the day is at an end. [hops onto 
               the wheelbarrow and rides away]
 
                                     OLDER WORKER
                         And if it gives me cancer when I'm eighty 
                         I don't care
 
               Who the hell wants to be ninety anyway?

                                     FACTORY WORKERS
                         So with a hidey lidey lidey and a hidey 
                         lidey lay
 
               We work and we make cigarettes all hidey lidey day

               So folks can get a breaky from their stressful lidey lives

               And relaxy with the cigarettes we make all day and night

                                     KEVIN HARRIS
                         Well, I guess that's the end of our 
                         tour.
 
                                     ROB REINER
                         Oh, here boys. Let me get your picture. 
                          Got it! Ha! You bastards are going 
                         down now!
 
                                     KEVIN HARRIS
                         What??

                                     ROB REINER
                         I'm not Rita Poon! I'm Rob Reiner!  
                         And you've just been Reinered! Come 
                         on boys, let's make our escape!  Don't 
                         you try and stop us! 
 
                                     KEVIN HARRIS
                          Oh my God!

               [Temporary Smoke Stoppers offices, night. Reiner and the boys 
               arrive]
 
                                     ROB REINER
                         Hoh boy, that was great, kids.

                                     STAN
                         Those people at the tobacco company 
                         all seem really nice.
 
                                     ROB REINER
                         Hah, you see that? They got into your 
                         head. Now you kids can meet some good, 
                         decent people, the folks who work to 
                         get smoking banned!
 
               [Temporary Smoke Stoppers offices, interior. The workers there 
               walk around like zombies, or Igor, Dr. Frankenstein's helper. 
               They make grunts as they pass each other. The woman runs off 
               and the man chases after her.]
 
                                     ROB REINER
                          This is how we get rid of smokers. 
                          We go state to state and do things 
                         like, use bogus studies and make extensive 
                         commercials to get the public on our 
                         side and force cigarette smokers to 
                         stop!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Wow. It's like, it's like, smoking brings 
                         a lot of people just a little bit of 
                         joy and, and you get to take that away 
                         from them.  You are so awesome.
 
                                     ROB REINER
                          Here you go Bob.  This is Mr. Baffrey. 
                         He does all our Photoshop work.  Now, 
                         all we have to do is Photoshop cigarettes 
                         into your hands!  And bingo! When this 
                         hits the papers the tobacco company 
                         is screwed! Hahahaha! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         But dude, you're making stuff up.

                                     ROB REINER
                          You kids need to understand something, 
                         okay? Sometimes lying is okay. Like, 
                         when you know what's good for people 
                         more than they do.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh my God, that is what I've always 
                         said.  I love this guy!
 
                                     WORKER
                          Mr. Reiner, your bill to have smoking 
                         outlawed at bars here didn't pass.
 
                         
                                     ROB REINER
                         What?!  God-damnit, what the hell is 
                         wrong with people in this state?!
 
                         
                                     WORKER
                         Apparently, several people here still 
                         believe there's no proof second-hand 
                         smoke can kill you.
 
                                     ROB REINER
                         Well they want proof?! All right, we'll 
                         give them proof! Boys, I need one of 
                         you to act in a commercial for us! We'll 
                         shoot it tomorrow!
 
                                     CATMAN
                          Wow, a commercial?

                                     ROB REINER
                         And you boys decide which one of you 
                         will be best for the part. All right 
                         people, we've gotta get moving on the 
                         bill to ban smoking in Potsdam! Let's 
                         go!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         God, he's just the best!  Mr. Reiner, 
                         can I get you a muffin? O-or a cold 
                         drink, perhaps?
 
               [Outside the tent. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny rush out of there and 
               stop some distance away from it]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Guys, I thnk we shold bail out of this 
                         right now!
 
                                     STAN
                         Huh?

                                     KYLE
                         This is just startin' to look like another 
                         one of those times where it, it's gonna 
                         end up with the whole town turning out, 
                         it's a big showdown happening, and us 
                         havin' to talk about what we learned, 
                         and I say we just stop right now, and 
                         go play cards or something.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Well yep, that's what I think.)

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, maybe you're right. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         So, heh gentlemen, looks like only one 
                         of us gets to be in the commercial, 
                         huh? Who will it be...? Gentlemen, the 
                         game is on!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Go ahead. We don't wanna be in their 
                         stupid commercial.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Huh? Oh, I get it, Kyle. That's your 
                         Serbian Jew double bluff. Make me think 
                         you don't care about being in the commercial 
                         so that maybe I won't either. Ooops. 
                         didn't work, did it, Kyle?
 
                                     KYLE
                         No, we really want nothing more to do 
                         with these people.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Sure you don't, Kyle. Oh, and neither 
                         do I. Oh, I know what you're gonna say 
                         next. You're gonna say, "How about none 
                         of us show up tomorrow to do it?" And 
                         then I'm supposed to agree so that tomorrow 
                         you can waltz in all by yourself and 
                         do the commercial. That's Serbian Jew 
                         double bluff and it ain't  gonna  work 
                          on  me  ha  ha  ha . Only one of us 
                         can be in the commecial, gentlemen. 
                         The game... is on. 
 
               [Kyle's house, night. Cartman climbs up to the second story and 
               opens a window at the end of the hallway. He carries with him 
               a bunch of lumber, a hammer, and some nails. He approaches Kyle's 
               door and gets to work hammering the lumber in place over the 
               door]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Sorry Kyle, but I'm afraid only one 
                         of us will be showing up to do the comemrcial 
                         tomorrow! Hahahaha! Thought you had 
                         me with your Serbian Jew double bluff, 
                         didn't you?! Well let's see you try 
                         to open this door now.  Hahahahaha! 
                         Haa haa hahahahahaha! Haa haa haha- 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         What are you doing? 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh... Hello, Kyle. Oh man.Wait, this 
                         isn't my house.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Cartman, you go ahead and do the commercial 
                         tomorrow. But I'm warning you, those 
                         anti-smoking people are liars and they're 
                         bullies who will stop at nothing to 
                         get what they want, and that means they're 
                         dangerous. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hahahahahaha!  Nice try, Kyle! Let's 
                         see you try to get through the door 
                         now! Haa haa hahahahaha!
 
               [Temporary Smoke Stoppers offices, day. Cartman is at the photo 
               shoot getting makeup, being prepped for the shot]
 
                                     ROB REINER
                         Okay Eric, this is going to be real 
                         simple. All you gotta do is read the 
                         words on the TelePrompTer here. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Heh, ho-okay. 

                                     ROB REINER
                         Let's see how the tobacco companies 
                         deal with this.  All right, roll camera. 
                         Roll the TelePrompTer. And whenever 
                         you're ready, Eric.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Heh, okay, okay.  You know, some people 
                         say there's no proof that second-hand 
                         smoke kills. The tobacco companies say 
                         there's no proof that second-hand smoke 
                         kills. I've just been diagnosed with 
                         terminal lung cancer. I guess... I'm 
                         the proof. The next time you want to 
                         believe that second-hand smoke doesn't 
                         kill, think about me. Because, by the 
                         time you see this commercial, I'll be... 
                         dead.  Dead??
 
                                     ROB REINER
                         And cut! Great! We got it! Wrap it up, 
                         people. That was fantastic.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh what... what does that mean, "I'll 
                         be dead"? Hey, uh what, what was that 
                         "dead" part?
 
                                     SCARY ASSISTANT
                         That was very good, Eric. Here, eat 
                         this cupcake.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh, nnno, thanks. I'm not hungry.

                                     SCARY ASSISTANT
                         But you are. Just eat this one cupcake. 
                         It has... sprinkles.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          I'm not eating the cupcake.

                                     ROB REINER
                          Eric, do you know what a hero is? A 
                         hero is somebody who sacrifices himself 
                         for the good of others. Youc an be a 
                         hero, Eric. All you have to do... is 
                         eat the cupcake. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Jesus Christ! HAAAA!

                                     ROB REINER
                          Hey! 

               [Stan's house. The other boys are in the dining room playing 
               cards. Cartman opens the door, runs in, and closes it quick. 
               He then goes to a window and looks to see if he's being followed]
 
               
                                     STAN
                         What are you doing, Cartman?

                                     CARTMAN
                         They're going to kill me! 

                                     KYLE
                         Who's going to kill you?

                                     CARTMAN
                         The anti-smoking people! They had me 
                         say I died from second-hand smoke and... 
                         now they want to sacrifice me to make 
                         it look real! They'll stop at nothing!!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Well, get away from us then.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah dude, don't get us killed too. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          You guys have to help me!

                                     KYLE
                          No dude, get away!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Please, you guys, I don't know what 
                         to do!
 
                                     STAN
                         Stop it, Cartman! Go die on your own!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         If I go, you guys go!

                                     STAN
                         Daaaad!

                                     RANDY
                          What?

                                     STAN
                         Anti-smoking people are trying to kill 
                         Cartman and he won't stay away from 
                         us.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Don't be ridiculous, boys. The anti-smoking 
                         people are kind, caring, and intelligent. 
                         Your heads have just been corrupted 
                         by the lies of the big tobacco companies. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, maybe that's it, you guys. Maybe 
                         the tobacco company can help us! 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Help you, fatass! We weren't in the 
                         commercial, remember?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah! Go to the tobacco company yourself!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well that's fine. I thought you guys 
                         were my friends, but I guess I was wrong! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah dude. You were totally wrong.
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Uh huh.)

                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys, I am seriously gettin' pissed 
                         off heah! Now come on, we're goin' to 
                         the tobacco company.
 
                                     STAN
                          Oh all right.

                                     KYLE
                         No! What we really should do is go to 
                         our parents right now and take responsibility 
                         for smoking ourselves. Even if it means 
                         getting grounded.
 
                                     STAN
                         Why?

                                     KYLE
                         Because, if we go to the tobacco company, 
                         I know exactly what'll happen. They'll 
                         take us in, and then Rob Reiner will 
                         show up with all the townspeople, holding 
                         torches or something, and there'll be 
                         a big showdown until we talk about what 
                         we learned, and change everyone's minds 
                         - this is all following a formula!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         So it's either deal with all that, or 
                         be grounded for three weeks. 
 
               [Big Tobacco Co., night. The town arrives with all the townspeople 
               carrying torches and clamoring.]
 
                                     KYLE
                         God-damnit! 

                                     ROB REINER
                         Give us the child!

                                     KEVIN HARRIS
                         We will not!

                                     ROB REINER
                         There, you see that?! The tobacco company 
                         won't give us the kid! And do you know 
                         why?! Because they know that if they 
                         give us that kid, then we'll kill him! 
                         And when our commercial goes on the 
                         air, it will lose them business!
 
                                     TOWNSPEOPLE
                         Yeah! Yeah, that's right!

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Wait a minute, what?

                                     ROB REINER
                         Yeah. When we kill the kid, people are 
                         gonna think it's because of second-hand 
                         smoke! And then these bastards are all 
                         gonna make money, and they know it!
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Wha- what the hell is wrong with you? 
                         That's not right.
 
                                     ROB REINER
                         Oh, God-damnit, do I have to explain 
                         this again?! Smoking is bad, people! 
                         So if we have to be a little extreme 
                         to stop it, it's okay!
 
                                     KYLE
                         No it isn't, you fat turd! Because, 
                         I've learned something today. You just 
                         hate-  See, I knew it.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yup.

                                     KYLE
                         You just hate smoking, so you use all 
                         your money and power to force others 
                         to think like you. And that's called 
                         fascism, you tubby asshole!
 
                                     ROB REINER
                         GOD-DAMNIT THERE'LL BE NO MORE SMOKING!!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         It wasn't the tobacco companies' fault 
                         that we smoked. It was our fault, us! 
                         We should all take personal responsibility 
                         instead of letting fat fascists like 
                         him tell us what to do!
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         You're right, boys, m'kay?

                                     BUDS MAN
                         Yeah. Let smokers smoke.

                                     TOWNSPEOPLE
                         Yeah!!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Hey Mr. Reiner, why don't you Butt Out! 
                         
 
                                     ROB REINER
                          I'm warning you: don't mess with anti-smoking 
                         groups!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          I don't idolize you anymore, asshole! 
                         
 
                                     ROB REINER
                         My goo! My precious goo! 

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         So Kyle, it wasn't the tobacco company 
                         that made you wanna smoke?
 
                                     KYLE
                         No.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Well then, you are grounded, mister!
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                         You too, Eric.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Aw awww!

               [Added in later showings of the episode.]

                                     STAN
                         Well, I guess we learned our lesson.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         No we didn't, dude! No we didn't! 
 
                         
               THE END

Butt Out



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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