"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 713
"BUTT OUT"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park Elementary, gymnasium, day. A school meeting is called
and kids file in. Between two basketball backboards hangs a blue
banner with the words "BUTT OUT!" The O doubles as a no-smoking
symbol. There's plenty of chatter in the gym.]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
M'kay, kids, can I have it quiet, please?
M'kay? M'kay, quiet now, the assembly's
about to start, m'kay. M'kay, quiet
ple-m k-m'kay? M'kay. Uh, now kids,
we have a really fun motivational group
today who are gonna talk to you about
the dangers of smoking, hm'kay? So please
give a very big South Park Cows welcome
to, "Butt Out!"
BUTT OUT!
Butt out! Yeah yeah! Kids, that cigarette
butt is gross!
Butt out! Uh huh! Smokin's got to go! [the music stops and the
troupe members strike poses]
KYLE
Oh no...
BUTT OUT!
Yeah! All right! Woohoo!!
BUTT OUT! LADY
Hey students, how are we all feelin'
today? Woooo!
BUTT OUT! MAN 1
Hey, did you guys know that each year
over six hundred thousand people a year
die from smoking? A year!
BUTT OUT! MAN 2
Six hundred thousand?? Are you sure
you're not just blowing smoke?
BUTT OUT! LADY
Blow smoke? Us? No way! Because we don't
need to smoke and neither do you, right
kids? Butt out! Break it down!
BUTT OUT!
Butt out! Yeah yeah! It's cool to say
no!
Butt out! Uh huh! Smokin's got to go!
BUTT OUT! MAN 3
Smoking, no. No smoking.
BUTT OUT! MAN 2
Freestyle!
BUTT OUT! LADY
Vernon!
VERNON
Don't smoke! Don't ever smoke!
BUTT OUT!
Kyle!
KYLE
B to the U to the T to the T to the
O to the U to the T to the C to the
I to the G to the A to the R to the
E to the T to the T to the E! Butt out,
cigarette!
KYLE
Dude, this is unbearable.
CARTMAN
I'm going to kill myself
BUTT OUT!
Randy!
RANDY
Smoke you know has got to go. You go,
you got to know to say the "no" to the
smoke, you go go.. ... you gotta get
it!
BUTT OUT!
Pam!
PAM
Don's smoke.
BUTT OUT!
Woohoo!
CARTMAN
You guys, Kenny's eating his own hands.
KYLE
Hey! What's the big deal? I like smoking,
and it makes me cool!
PAM
Ohoh, really?? Do you think lung cancer
is cool, too??
RANDY
What about emphysema?? Is that cool??
VERNON
And what about abortion, and AIDS?
RANDY
Pfft! That's none's the cool.
PAM
Word.
VERNON
Yeah. So butt out!
BUTT OUT!
Butt out! Yeah yeah! Give that cigarette
butt a throw!
STAN
Huh, Jesus Christ!
BUTT OUT!
Butt out! Uh huh! Smokin's got to go!
VERNON
Remember, kids, if you smoke, you could
grow up to be a failure.
PAN
Worse yet, you could grow up to be dead.
KYLE
So don't believe what those evil tobacco
companies tell you!
RANDY
Yeah, because if you don't smoke, you
can grow up to be-
BUTT OUT!
Just Like Us.
[South Park Elementary, loading area. The boys are there next
to a trash bin, smoking ... and coughing]
STAN
Give me a hit. Give me another one,
give me another one.
KYLE
Aw dude, this is really hard.
CARTMAN
Oh shit, here comes Mr. Mackey.
KYLE
Throw 'em away! Dudes, here he comes.
Guys, stop coughing.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Boys, what are you doing back here?
I asked you a question: What are you
doing back here, 'k?!
CARTMAN
Nothing.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
What??
CARTMAN
Nothin' Na- Due-nothing.
KYLE
D'awww sick!
CARTMAN
Gross dude!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Well hey, if I didn't know any better,
I'd think you boys have been smoking!
CARTMAN
No... No, Mr. Mackey... We don't have
any cigarettes.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Well you'd better not! Because let me
tell you some'n' about smokin'! Uh,
smokin's bad, m'kay. And uh, if you
start smokin' at an early age, m'kay,
ih it's gonna be bad. M'kay, because
uh, smoking can lead to all kinds of
health problems like cancer. M'kay,
and let me tell you something about
cancer, m'kay. Cancer's bad. M'kay,
and uh, eh, what? What the? Holy shit!
M'kay?!
MR. SLAVE
Oh! Jethuth Chritht!
STAN
...Woops.
[The Principal's office ...er, the remains, anyway. Only the
door and the desk remain. The bookshelves are burnt up except
for the bottom shelf. The cabinets are charred. The desk is charred
and two of its legs are burnt off]
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Well, you boys have certainly done
it this time!
CARTMAN
We're sorry.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Not as sorry as you're going to be when
your parents get here! Ah, here they
come now.
KYLE
Oh God...
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Come on in.
SHARON
Stanley, what did you do this time?!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
You'd better brace yourself, parents.
The boys were caught... smoking!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Smoking?
SHARON
No, it can't be! My son is not a filthy
smoker!
STAN
Mom... Dad, it was just a-
RANDY
I don't have a son!
LIANE
Eric, you've done a lot of horrible
things in your life, but smoking? You're
grounded for three weeks!
CARTMAN
Three weeks?! Are you fucking kidding
me?
KYLE'S FATHER
Haven't you boys heard anything about
how harmful smoking is to you and those
around you?
KYLE'S MOTHER
Of course they haven't, because the
tobacco companies have gotten to them
first. This is really their fault
KYLE
Yeah. This is really their fault.
KYLE'S MOTHER
No matter how much money the anti-smoking
groups spend, the tobacco companies
are there to fill our childrens' heads
with lies and propaganda that make them
wanna smoke.
CARTMAN
Yeah, huh? Ih, it's like the tobacco
companies have control of my mind- No.
Must. Fight it. Tobacco companies...
making me want to smoke. Ah!
LIANE
Oh my goodness, I had no idea. Are
you okay, sweetie?
RANDY
Well, those God-damned tobacco companies
aren't gonna have control over MY kid!
I say we bring them down!
KYLE'S MOTHER
We need the help of the greatest anti-smoking
celebrity that ever lived. Rob Reiner.
KYLE
Who's Rob Reiner?
[Rob Reiner's Smoke Stoppers, day. A blue skyscraper flanked
by two taller blue towers, with the Hollywood sign in the background.
Inside, Rob Reiner speaks to four executives, but he's facing
the window. He's reading from some papers]
ROB REINER
I don't understand it. I pushed a law
for higher taxes on cigarettes, I lobbied
to get images of cigarettes removed
from movies and art, I forced smokers
out of bars and parks, but still I get
letters from parents saying their kids
are doin' it. Apparently, people still
don't understand hwo bad smoking people
is for them. Don't they know how dangerous
it is to their health? Don't they know
the hazard of second-hand smoke?
EXECUTIVE 1
According to the letter, sir, the town
has a tobacco company quite near them.
ROB REINER
Yeah, that must be it. The tobacco
companies, with their millions of dollars
and their slick desks and fancy buildings,
they're the ones making music wanna
smoke! They're the ones hurting our
nation's health! I will not stand by
and see the children of America corrupted
by those bastards! This is war!!
Welcome Rob Reiner
[South Park City Hall, day. People have gathered to greet Reiner
when he arrives, and some people have signs saying the same thing
as the banner. Other signs say "THANKS ROB!!", "Welcome MEATHEAD!"
and "Give 'em hell REINER!" Stan and friends wait by the front
door]
KYLE
You guys, maybe we should come clean
right now and tell everyone that it
wasn't the tobacco companies that made
us want to smoke.
STAN
Hwat??
CARTMAN
Why? It's perfect. If everyone's blaming
the tobacco companies, then nobody's
blaming us.
STAN
Yeah, what's the problem?
KYLE
Well it's just that, eh, this seems
like another one of those times when
things are gonna get way out of hands,
you know? It's been happening a lot
lately. How about this time we just
put a stop to it right now?
CARTMAN
Dumbass, you don't wanna be grounded
for three weeks, do you?
STAN
Yeah, don't worry dude. Things aren't
gonna get out of hand.
MR. GARRISON
Here he comes!
ROB REINER
Damnit. Butter! Butter!
MR. GARRISON
What'd he say?
ROB REINER
Butter!! Hello South Park!! It is
so nice to see an entire town come together
to fight for good health! And I'm gonna
help ya! These poor innocent children
have been seduced into smoking tobacco.
So I say, "We fight fire with fire!"
We're gonna use these children to bring
the tobacco companies down!
KYLE
Oh no...
[The town bar. Reiner sits at a booth with the boys, feverishly
eating. A waitress comes up with a platter of cheeseburgers and
fries.]
ROB REINER
All right kids, here's what we're gonna
do. We're gonna sneak you into the
tobacco company by saying you kids want
a tour for a school paper. Once you're
nside, mm, mm, I'm gonna take photos
and then we'll publish them, saying
that the tobacco company invited you
over to seduce you into smoking. Got
it?
CARTMAN
Got it!
KYLE
But... isn't that, kind of, lying?
ROB REINER
Mm. Uh, we're just leveling out the
playing field. The tobacco companies
lie to you about the dangers of smoking.
If we're gonna take them down, we've
gotta lie right back! Oh my God! Excuse
me!
BUDS MAN
Yes?
ROB REINER
Would you mind putting that death stick
out?!
BUDS MAN
But, uh, this is a bar.
ROB REINER
Isn't smoking illegal in bars here?
BARTENDER
Not in Colorado
ROB REINER
Oh my God! What kind of backward hick
state is this?!
BUDS MAN
Look man, I work fourteen hours a day
at the saw mill. I just got off work
and I need to relax.
ROB REINER
Well when I relax I just go to my vacation
house in Hawaii!
BUDS MAN
I ain't got a vacation house in Hawaii!
ROB REINER
Yuh your vacation house in Mexico, then,
whatever it is! Look, you are putting
my life and these boys' lives in danger
by smoking that in here! And I'm not
gonna tolerate it! I will end smoking
in bars in Colorado! There will be no
more smoking here!
[Back at the table...]
CARTMAN
Isn't he awesome, you guys?
KYLE
What??
CARTMAN
Dude, he just goes around imposing his
will on people. He's my idol.
[Big Tobacco Co., day. Reiner and the boys approach the front
door.]
ROB REINER
All right boys, just do what I tell
ya and we'll be able to sue this tobacco
company for two billion dollars! As
soon as we get into the mani facility,
I'll snap the photo of you kids, and
we can all run out! Think you can handle
it?
CARTMAN
Handle it? For two billion dollars I'd
handle my grandpa's balls, sir.
ROB REINER
Heh, great. Okay, now watch yourselves,
kids. These tobacco company people will
do anything to get you hooked on smoking.
They are liars and they are frauds!
[Big Tobacco Co., headquarters. A door opens and closes.]
RECEPTIONIST
Can I help you?
ROB REINER
Yes. My name is Rita Poon. I called
about my boys wanting a tour.
EXECUTIVE
Ah, yes, Mrs. Poon. My name's Kevin
Harris and I'm the vice president of
Big Tobacco.
ROB REINER
Oh. Hello, Mr. Harris.
KEVIN HARRIS
Well, come on in. How about a little
history first? Native Americans were
the first to cultivate the tobacco plant.
They smoked it in pipes for medicinal
and ceremonial purposes.
ROB REINER
Not if I were around, they wouldn't
have.
KEVIN HARRIS
Escuse me?
ROB REINER
Oh, nothing! Please continue.
KEVIN HARRIS
The first successful commercial crop
of tobacco was cultivated in Virginia
in 1612. Within seven years it was
one of the country's largest exports.
KYLE
So, tobacco helped to build America.
KEVIN HARRIS
That's right. Over the next few centuries
the tobacco business was so great that
many slaves were brought from Africa
to help work the fields.
CARTMAN
Which means, if it weren't for tobacco,
many of our black friends wouldn't be
here today.
KEVIN HARRIS
And so for centuries, tobacco production
flourished. Nobody was even aware of
any dangers back then, until, in 1965,
when Congress passed an act forcing
all tobacco companies to put the Surgeon
General's warning on their packages.
So now, everyone knows the dangers of
smoking. And some people still choose
to do it, and we believe that's what
being an American is all about.
KYLE
That sound perfectly reasonable.
KEVIN HARRIS
And here's our factory at work.
FACTORY WORKERS
With a hidey lidey lidey and a hidey
lidey lay
We work and we make cigarettes all hidey lidey day
So folks can get a breaky from their stressful lidey lives
And relaxy with the cigarettes we make all day and night
YOUNG WORKER
I like to have a cigarehette every now
and then
It makes me fee-l calmer when the day is at an end. [hops onto
the wheelbarrow and rides away]
OLDER WORKER
And if it gives me cancer when I'm eighty
I don't care
Who the hell wants to be ninety anyway?
FACTORY WORKERS
So with a hidey lidey lidey and a hidey
lidey lay
We work and we make cigarettes all hidey lidey day
So folks can get a breaky from their stressful lidey lives
And relaxy with the cigarettes we make all day and night
KEVIN HARRIS
Well, I guess that's the end of our
tour.
ROB REINER
Oh, here boys. Let me get your picture.
Got it! Ha! You bastards are going
down now!
KEVIN HARRIS
What??
ROB REINER
I'm not Rita Poon! I'm Rob Reiner!
And you've just been Reinered! Come
on boys, let's make our escape! Don't
you try and stop us!
KEVIN HARRIS
Oh my God!
[Temporary Smoke Stoppers offices, night. Reiner and the boys
arrive]
ROB REINER
Hoh boy, that was great, kids.
STAN
Those people at the tobacco company
all seem really nice.
ROB REINER
Hah, you see that? They got into your
head. Now you kids can meet some good,
decent people, the folks who work to
get smoking banned!
[Temporary Smoke Stoppers offices, interior. The workers there
walk around like zombies, or Igor, Dr. Frankenstein's helper.
They make grunts as they pass each other. The woman runs off
and the man chases after her.]
ROB REINER
This is how we get rid of smokers.
We go state to state and do things
like, use bogus studies and make extensive
commercials to get the public on our
side and force cigarette smokers to
stop!
CARTMAN
Wow. It's like, it's like, smoking brings
a lot of people just a little bit of
joy and, and you get to take that away
from them. You are so awesome.
ROB REINER
Here you go Bob. This is Mr. Baffrey.
He does all our Photoshop work. Now,
all we have to do is Photoshop cigarettes
into your hands! And bingo! When this
hits the papers the tobacco company
is screwed! Hahahaha!
KYLE
But dude, you're making stuff up.
ROB REINER
You kids need to understand something,
okay? Sometimes lying is okay. Like,
when you know what's good for people
more than they do.
CARTMAN
Oh my God, that is what I've always
said. I love this guy!
WORKER
Mr. Reiner, your bill to have smoking
outlawed at bars here didn't pass.
ROB REINER
What?! God-damnit, what the hell is
wrong with people in this state?!
WORKER
Apparently, several people here still
believe there's no proof second-hand
smoke can kill you.
ROB REINER
Well they want proof?! All right, we'll
give them proof! Boys, I need one of
you to act in a commercial for us! We'll
shoot it tomorrow!
CATMAN
Wow, a commercial?
ROB REINER
And you boys decide which one of you
will be best for the part. All right
people, we've gotta get moving on the
bill to ban smoking in Potsdam! Let's
go!
CARTMAN
God, he's just the best! Mr. Reiner,
can I get you a muffin? O-or a cold
drink, perhaps?
[Outside the tent. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny rush out of there and
stop some distance away from it]
KYLE
Guys, I thnk we shold bail out of this
right now!
STAN
Huh?
KYLE
This is just startin' to look like another
one of those times where it, it's gonna
end up with the whole town turning out,
it's a big showdown happening, and us
havin' to talk about what we learned,
and I say we just stop right now, and
go play cards or something.
KENNY
(Well yep, that's what I think.)
STAN
Yeah, maybe you're right.
CARTMAN
So, heh gentlemen, looks like only one
of us gets to be in the commercial,
huh? Who will it be...? Gentlemen, the
game is on!
KYLE
Go ahead. We don't wanna be in their
stupid commercial.
CARTMAN
Huh? Oh, I get it, Kyle. That's your
Serbian Jew double bluff. Make me think
you don't care about being in the commercial
so that maybe I won't either. Ooops.
didn't work, did it, Kyle?
KYLE
No, we really want nothing more to do
with these people.
CARTMAN
Sure you don't, Kyle. Oh, and neither
do I. Oh, I know what you're gonna say
next. You're gonna say, "How about none
of us show up tomorrow to do it?" And
then I'm supposed to agree so that tomorrow
you can waltz in all by yourself and
do the commercial. That's Serbian Jew
double bluff and it ain't gonna work
on me ha ha ha . Only one of us
can be in the commecial, gentlemen.
The game... is on.
[Kyle's house, night. Cartman climbs up to the second story and
opens a window at the end of the hallway. He carries with him
a bunch of lumber, a hammer, and some nails. He approaches Kyle's
door and gets to work hammering the lumber in place over the
door]
CARTMAN
Sorry Kyle, but I'm afraid only one
of us will be showing up to do the comemrcial
tomorrow! Hahahaha! Thought you had
me with your Serbian Jew double bluff,
didn't you?! Well let's see you try
to open this door now. Hahahahaha!
Haa haa hahahahahaha! Haa haa haha-
KYLE
What are you doing?
CARTMAN
Oh... Hello, Kyle. Oh man.Wait, this
isn't my house.
KYLE
Cartman, you go ahead and do the commercial
tomorrow. But I'm warning you, those
anti-smoking people are liars and they're
bullies who will stop at nothing to
get what they want, and that means they're
dangerous.
CARTMAN
Hahahahahaha! Nice try, Kyle! Let's
see you try to get through the door
now! Haa haa hahahahaha!
[Temporary Smoke Stoppers offices, day. Cartman is at the photo
shoot getting makeup, being prepped for the shot]
ROB REINER
Okay Eric, this is going to be real
simple. All you gotta do is read the
words on the TelePrompTer here.
CARTMAN
Heh, ho-okay.
ROB REINER
Let's see how the tobacco companies
deal with this. All right, roll camera.
Roll the TelePrompTer. And whenever
you're ready, Eric.
CARTMAN
Heh, okay, okay. You know, some people
say there's no proof that second-hand
smoke kills. The tobacco companies say
there's no proof that second-hand smoke
kills. I've just been diagnosed with
terminal lung cancer. I guess... I'm
the proof. The next time you want to
believe that second-hand smoke doesn't
kill, think about me. Because, by the
time you see this commercial, I'll be...
dead. Dead??
ROB REINER
And cut! Great! We got it! Wrap it up,
people. That was fantastic.
CARTMAN
Uh what... what does that mean, "I'll
be dead"? Hey, uh what, what was that
"dead" part?
SCARY ASSISTANT
That was very good, Eric. Here, eat
this cupcake.
CARTMAN
Uh, nnno, thanks. I'm not hungry.
SCARY ASSISTANT
But you are. Just eat this one cupcake.
It has... sprinkles.
CARTMAN
I'm not eating the cupcake.
ROB REINER
Eric, do you know what a hero is? A
hero is somebody who sacrifices himself
for the good of others. Youc an be a
hero, Eric. All you have to do... is
eat the cupcake.
CARTMAN
Jesus Christ! HAAAA!
ROB REINER
Hey!
[Stan's house. The other boys are in the dining room playing
cards. Cartman opens the door, runs in, and closes it quick.
He then goes to a window and looks to see if he's being followed]
STAN
What are you doing, Cartman?
CARTMAN
They're going to kill me!
KYLE
Who's going to kill you?
CARTMAN
The anti-smoking people! They had me
say I died from second-hand smoke and...
now they want to sacrifice me to make
it look real! They'll stop at nothing!!
STAN
Well, get away from us then.
KYLE
Yeah dude, don't get us killed too.
CARTMAN
You guys have to help me!
KYLE
No dude, get away!
CARTMAN
Please, you guys, I don't know what
to do!
STAN
Stop it, Cartman! Go die on your own!
CARTMAN
If I go, you guys go!
STAN
Daaaad!
RANDY
What?
STAN
Anti-smoking people are trying to kill
Cartman and he won't stay away from
us.
RANDY
Don't be ridiculous, boys. The anti-smoking
people are kind, caring, and intelligent.
Your heads have just been corrupted
by the lies of the big tobacco companies.
CARTMAN
Hey, maybe that's it, you guys. Maybe
the tobacco company can help us!
STAN
Help you, fatass! We weren't in the
commercial, remember?
KYLE
Yeah! Go to the tobacco company yourself!
CARTMAN
Well that's fine. I thought you guys
were my friends, but I guess I was wrong!
KYLE
Yeah dude. You were totally wrong.
KENNY
(Uh huh.)
CARTMAN
You guys, I am seriously gettin' pissed
off heah! Now come on, we're goin' to
the tobacco company.
STAN
Oh all right.
KYLE
No! What we really should do is go to
our parents right now and take responsibility
for smoking ourselves. Even if it means
getting grounded.
STAN
Why?
KYLE
Because, if we go to the tobacco company,
I know exactly what'll happen. They'll
take us in, and then Rob Reiner will
show up with all the townspeople, holding
torches or something, and there'll be
a big showdown until we talk about what
we learned, and change everyone's minds
- this is all following a formula!
STAN
So it's either deal with all that, or
be grounded for three weeks.
[Big Tobacco Co., night. The town arrives with all the townspeople
carrying torches and clamoring.]
KYLE
God-damnit!
ROB REINER
Give us the child!
KEVIN HARRIS
We will not!
ROB REINER
There, you see that?! The tobacco company
won't give us the kid! And do you know
why?! Because they know that if they
give us that kid, then we'll kill him!
And when our commercial goes on the
air, it will lose them business!
TOWNSPEOPLE
Yeah! Yeah, that's right!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Wait a minute, what?
ROB REINER
Yeah. When we kill the kid, people are
gonna think it's because of second-hand
smoke! And then these bastards are all
gonna make money, and they know it!
RANDY
Wha- what the hell is wrong with you?
That's not right.
ROB REINER
Oh, God-damnit, do I have to explain
this again?! Smoking is bad, people!
So if we have to be a little extreme
to stop it, it's okay!
KYLE
No it isn't, you fat turd! Because,
I've learned something today. You just
hate- See, I knew it.
STAN
Yup.
KYLE
You just hate smoking, so you use all
your money and power to force others
to think like you. And that's called
fascism, you tubby asshole!
ROB REINER
GOD-DAMNIT THERE'LL BE NO MORE SMOKING!!
STAN
It wasn't the tobacco companies' fault
that we smoked. It was our fault, us!
We should all take personal responsibility
instead of letting fat fascists like
him tell us what to do!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
You're right, boys, m'kay?
BUDS MAN
Yeah. Let smokers smoke.
TOWNSPEOPLE
Yeah!!
MR. GARRISON
Hey Mr. Reiner, why don't you Butt Out!
ROB REINER
I'm warning you: don't mess with anti-smoking
groups!
CARTMAN
I don't idolize you anymore, asshole!
ROB REINER
My goo! My precious goo!
KYLE'S MOTHER
So Kyle, it wasn't the tobacco company
that made you wanna smoke?
KYLE
No.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Well then, you are grounded, mister!
LIANE
You too, Eric.
CARTMAN
Aw awww!
[Added in later showings of the episode.]
STAN
Well, I guess we learned our lesson.
KYLE
No we didn't, dude! No we didn't!
THE END
|
