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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 514


                              "BUTTERS' VERY OWN EPISODE"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [Butters' home, night. Butters enters the living room with a 
               gift in hand. He walks up to his parents. His mom is polishing 
               an end table while his father reads the newspaper on the sofa 
               beside it.]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Heh-alright, Mom, I'm all done wrappin' 
                         Dad's anniversary present for ya.
 
                         
                                     DAD
                         Oh, is it soneone's anniversary soon? 
                         
 
                                     MOM
                          Oh, you!

                                     DAD
                         Just kidding.  Oh, I wonder what it 
                         is.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         It's a-  Awww, shucks,  I can't tell 
                         you. Uh but it's really nifty.
 
                                     DAD
                         Well, looks like we're gonna have to 
                         do somethin' extra-special for Mommy 
                         and Daddy's anniversary this year. How 
                         about on Saturday we all go have dinner 
                         at Bennigan's!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Bennigan's?? Oh, boy, you mean it?? 
                          Whoopee, at Bennigan's I'm goona get 
                         the Rain Champ baby-back ribs! 
 
                                     MOM
                         Calm down there, cowboy. You've still 
                         got four days.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Four days? Oh, I don't know how I'm 
                         gonna wait that long!
 
                                     CHOIR
                         Who's the boy who can laugh at a storm 
                         cloud?
 
               Turn a frown into a smile for free?

               Who's the kid with the heart full of magic?

               Everyone know it's Butters!

               ['It's "The Butters Show"' appears over a wallpaper design of 
               Butters' head. This is the show's splash screen]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          That's me.

                                     [NEXT SCENES
                         Butters in Mr. Mackey's basement. Butters 
                         tied to the feet of the Provider, a 
                         statue of John Elway. Butters keeping 
                         his class informed of what the kindergartners 
                         were doing while the class practices 
                         its play. Butters asking a question 
                         in class about using shit in the expletive. 
                         Butters delivering a tape to a reporter. 
                         Butters peeking through a door in the 
                         hotel NAMBLA is meeting at. Butters 
                         figuring out how to open the condom. 
                         Stan grabbing Butters angrily. Butters 
                         rubbing some cow dung on his jacket 
                         after finding the dung sticky. Butters 
                         calling upon Pele to make his volcano 
                         work.]
 
                                     CHOIR
                         Who's the boy with the eyes full of 
                         wonder?
 
               Thinks being yourself is the best thing to be?

               Who's that rascal with the tweezers in his pocket?

               Everyone know it's Butters!

                                     BUTTERS
                          That's me.

                                     [NEXT SCENES
                         Butters jumps into a puddle. Butters 
                         runs down the hall to the theater proper. 
                         Butters petting a white goat. Butters 
                         holds a picture of himself and John 
                         Elway. Butters talking in the playground, 
                         holding his tooth. Kyle finds Butters 
                         on the street, after Butters tags a 
                         wall. Butters in a truck, wth hockey 
                         mask on his head. Butters wondering 
                         how to not get anthrax. Butters as a 
                         Confederate officer. Butters taking 
                         over for Cartman on the phone. Butters 
                         talking in class. Butters talking to 
                         some kids in the playground. Butters 
                         as a gas station attendant after the 
                         adults are sent to prison for molesting 
                         their children. Butters with Stan and 
                         Kyle in the orientation meeting at David 
                         Blaine's complex. Butters at his window. 
                         Butters fainting after holding his breath 
                         too long trying to not get anthrax.]
 
                         
                                     CHOIR
                         Jumpin' in puddles, skippin' down the 
                         hallway
 
               Pettin' at the petting zoo. He loves John Alway.

               Who's that tyke with the cutest little dimples,

               Battin' his eyes at every puppy he sees?

               If you look inside yourself, you might be surprised when you 
               find
 
               A little boy named Butters!

                                     BUTTERS
                          Thaat's that's me,  Yeah. .

               [Return to Butters' living room. His mom is dusting off a portrait 
               on the wall as his dad returns to reading the newspaper]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Three more days till we eat at Bennigan's. 
                         That's s-seventy-two hours. Aw gee whiz.
 
                         
                                     DAD
                          Well, if you two will excuse me, I 
                         need to go and buy a certain special 
                         lady her anniversary present. 
 
                                     MOM
                         I hope he means me, haha. 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Don't be silly, Mom. Of course he means 
                         you.
 
                                     DAD
                          I'll be back in a little bit.  Butters, 
                         you're in charge of the house.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Yes sir! 

                                     MOM
                          Oh, I wonder what he's gonna get me 
                         this year?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         We won't know until we're at Bennigan's.
 
                         
                                     MOM
                          Every year it's the same. Your father 
                         gets me some great gift and my gift 
                         to him falls short.  I've just got to 
                         outdo him this year, I've just got to.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Dad's a good shopper all right.

                                     MOM
                          Butters, maybe you could secretly follow 
                         your dad and see what he's getting me.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         You mean, spy on him? Uh but... ain't 
                         that kind of like... fibbin'?
 
                                     MOM
                          No, it's a little different. You remember 
                         when the nice policeman gave yuu a badge 
                         and made you an honorary inspector? 
                         
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Sure I do!

                                     MOM
                         Why, I think Inspector Butters could 
                         find out what Daddy'd getting Mommy 
                         without him ever knowing.  What do you 
                         say?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Inspector Butters in on the case, ma'am! 
                         
 
               ["The Butters Show" splash screen, but now only "Butters" is 
               on the screen.]
 
                                     CHOIR
                         Everyone know it's Butters!

                                     BUTTERS
                          Uh, that's me!

               [South Park, night, the seedy side of town. Butter's father walks 
               down the street and stops at a corner. He sees a pawn shop across 
               the street and walks towards it. He turns and faces the street 
               for a few seconds, then puts on a hat and turns up the collar 
               on his shirt. He walks back the way he came. Butters has arrived 
               and sees him from behind a bush across the street. Butters has 
               on his own disguise - a handlebar mustache - and carries a note 
               pad, on which he takes notes of his father's every move. He pops 
               out from behind the bush. His father looks around to make sure 
               no one is following and arrives at Studcat Theater to see "Fisting 
               Firemen 9." He looks around as he enters, and the doors close 
               behind him]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Hm. Dad's going to see a movie. How 
                         nice.
 
               [Butters' father soon leaves the theater and walks towards a 
               men's bath house, the White Swallow Spa. He arrives and rings 
               the doorbell. He looks around both ways and enters as soon as 
               the buzzer sounds. Butters looks on from behind a trash can across 
               the street]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          "White Swallow Bath House"

               ["The Butters Show" splash screen]

                                     CHOIR
                         Everyone know it's Butters!

                                     BUTTERS
                          Uh, that's me!

               [Butters' hosue, night. He's returned from his tour of espionage 
               and finds his mother in the kitchen cutting carrots into slices]
 
               
                                     BUTTERS
                         I'm back, Ma!

                                     MOM
                         Oh, hi sweetie. Did you get to follow 
                         your dad around?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         I sure did.  Dad sure had a nice night 
                         out.
 
                                     MOM
                         Well, did you see what he got me for 
                         our anniversary?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well first, he went to see a movie.
 
                         
                                     MOM
                         A movie? Hmmm. I wonder why he'd wanna 
                         see a movie by himself.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         I don't know. But it wasn't the movie 
                         theater at the mall. No, it was that, 
                         really old theater downtown. The Studcat. 
                          I didn't know it was open. 
 
                                     MOM
                         Wait a minute. What was the movie called?
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         "Fisting Firemen 9"  I've never seen 
                         1 through 8.
 
                                     MOM
                         Oh my God...

                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh but it must have been a real short 
                         movie, though, because Dad came out, 
                         like, ten minutes later. ...And it must 
                         have been a sad film, too, because, 
                         he had a bunch of tissue paper with 
                         him when he came out. Poor old Dad, 
                         the movie really got to him.
 
                                     MOM
                         Butters, where did Daddy go after the 
                         movie?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         To the gym.

                                     MOM
                         To the gym.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeah. The White Swallow Spa.

                                     MOM
                          Gaah!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Yep. He went in there and wrestled with 
                         all kinds o' guys. He wasn't too good, 
                         though. This one black guy had him pinned 
                         down for firteen minutes straight!
 
                         
                                     MOM
                          ...Butters? Are you sure about this? 
                         You have to be absolutely sure!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Inspector Butters gets all the facts. 
                         I even got some neato pictures.  The 
                         only thing I can't figure out is why 
                         dad told you he was goin' shoppin' for 
                         yoru present when he was goin' out to 
                         see the movies an' wrestlin'.  Oh, did 
                         you have a nice "trip," Mom? See you 
                         next "fall." Hahaha, yo- Ma?
 
               ["The Butters Show" splash screen]

                                     CHOIR
                         ...Butters!

                                     BUTTERS
                          Uh, that's me!

               [Butters' house, day. He's working with Lego blocks at the coffee 
               table while his mom works on the wall behind him, painting over 
               one shade of green with a lighter shade. Her hair is a mess.]
 
               
                                     MOM
                          Paaiint. Must paaiint. Everything clean. 
                         Paaiint.
 
                                     DAD
                         Well, honey, you've painted the entire 
                         house. Three times.
 
                                     MOM
                         Must paaiint. Everything clean. Everything 
                         new!
 
                                     DAD
                          Say Butters, m-I'm havin' real trouble 
                         finding an anniversary present for Mom. 
                         Any ideas?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hm. Uh-I can't think of one.

                                     DAD
                         Well then, it looks like I'm gonna have 
                         to go out shopping again. 
 
                                     MOM
                          Ungh. Paaiint. Everything clean. Everything 
                         new. Paaiint.
 
                                     DAD
                          I'll be back in a little while. 

                                     BUTTERS
                          Should I go see what he gets you again, 
                         Mom?
 
                                     MOM
                         I don't think Daddy's shopping. I think 
                         Daddy's going out wrestling again.  
                         Paaiint.  Paaiint.  Must be made clean. 
                         New.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hey, a new paint brush. That's what 
                         Dad could get Mom for their anniversary. 
                         I gotta go tell him. 
 
                                     MOM
                          Must clean Butters.  Clean. Never be 
                         clean. Must...  kill? The only way? 
                         Must kill Butters.  Paaiint.
 
               ["The Butters Show" splash screen]

                                     CHOIR
                         ...Butters!

                                     BUTTERS
                          That's me!

               [The White Swallow Spa, night. Butters is at its front doors 
               and rings the buzzer. The doors open and he enters He jumps up 
               and gives the attendant some money - $10.]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         One please.

                                     ATTENDANT
                          Locker two thirteen! 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh thanks! 

               [The locker room. The camera pans across the locker room and 
               shows nothing but men in towels. Some of them are exercising, 
               others just chat.]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Dad?  Dad, you in here?

               [A hallway. Butters happens upon a wooden door with a small window 
               in the upper half. He looks up at the window, then enters the 
               room.]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hello? Eh-anybody in here?

                                     MAN 1
                          There, do you think that works?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Well, that's four fingers; try five.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh Mr. Garrison?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         ...Who is that?!

               [The main hallway. Butters enters and checks the first door to 
               his left. Two men walk towards the entrance and walk out]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Da-ad? Da-ad??  Are you wrestlin' in 
                         here?  Dad?
 
                                     MAN 2
                         This room's taken.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh, uh, pardon me, sirs.  ndad? No. 
                          Hm. 
 
                                     DAD
                          OOH! BUTTERS!!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Hi Dad! 

                                     DAD
                          Oh God! Aaah! Ohhh!

                                     BUTTERS
                         I'm glad I found ya. I think I know 
                         the perfect anniversary present for 
                         Mom. But what are you doin' with your 
                         weiner out there, Dad?
 
                                     DAD
                          Butters, you need... to leave here 
                         right now! You need to... get out of 
                         here, egeh... Go home and wait for me 
                         to talk to talk to you.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh. Well, alright then. Well, see ya 
                         at home. 
 
                                     DAD
                          Oh, Jesus, no. OH, what have I done?
 
                         
               ["The Butters Show" splash screen]

                                     CHOIR
                         Everyone knows it's Butters!

                                     BUTTERS
                          That's me!

               [Butters' house, night. Butters' dad is in his study.]

                                     DAD
                          Butters!  Oh Butters! Could you come 
                         and see me in my study real quick? 
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                          Uh, hey Dad.

                                     DAD
                         Come here, son.  I wanna have a talk 
                         with you.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Well, sure thing, Dad.

                                     DAD
                         Son, I wanted to talk to you about lying.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well, I know lying's bad, Dad. Y-you 
                         told me so.
 
                                     DAD
                         Yes, it sure can be.  But, there are 
                         also times when distorting the truth 
                         a little ih, is appropriate. These are 
                         called "little white lies."
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Little white lies?

                                     DAD
                         Ya see, sometimes telling a little white 
                         lie is okay. Like, for instance, when 
                         you catch your father jacking off in 
                         a gay men's bath house.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         ...Uh, who's Jack?

                                     DAD
                         Butters, the point is that, I think 
                         that if you told Mommy what Daddy was 
                         doing tonight, weh, she might go completely 
                         insane.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh no, that won't happen, Dad.

                                     DAD
                         It won't? Oh, good.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Eh, no. Because I already told Mom and 
                         she's fine.
 
                                     DAD
                         You... what?

                                     MOM
                          Butters, Mommy wants to take you for 
                         a little drive now.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         A drive? Oh, boy!  I I love a good drive. 
                         Is Dad comin' too?
 
                                     MOM
                         No, sweetie, Daddy needs to sit and 
                         think.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Alright. See ya in a bit, Dad.  Oh 
                         boy, a drive!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh, jeez, you wouldn't have believed 
                         how angry I was when Teacher said I 
                         had to share my fingerpaints, because 
                         I've been sharin' them all along.
 
                         
                                     MOM
                          Butters, you know that Mommy loves 
                         you an awful lot, don't you?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well, sure I do, Mom. I love you, too.
 
                         
                                     MOM
                         And sometimes moomies do things that 
                         seem hurtful to their babies, but it's 
                         really for the best.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh, you mean like the time you washed 
                         my mouth out with soap for sayin' "nutsack" 
                         in front of Grandma. Yeah, I need to 
                         behave myself. 
 
                                     MOM
                         If a mommy has to end her life, she 
                         can't let her baby alone in the world 
                         to be raised by a sick pervert.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well, sure, that makes sense, I suppose, 
                         yeah. Hey, did you seen my mittens anywhere? 
                          It's cold out here.
 
                                     MOM
                         I'm going to get out of the car now, 
                         Butters.  I want you to stay put with 
                         your seat belt fastened.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh. Well, alright, Mom. O-o-okay then.
 
                         
               [she moves the gear shift to neutral, releases the emergency 
               brake, opens the driver-side door, and exits. She walks away 
               from the water, and the car starts to move forward]
 
               You know, I think the car might be movin', Mom. [cut to a view 
               of the water from the dock] Yep, I'm pretty sure the car is movin'. 
               Looks like I'm headin' for the water.
 
                                     MOM
                          Shhh. Shhh. It's okay, baby. Mommy 
                         will be with you very soon.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Well, I think I- Yeup, it looks like 
                         the car is fillin' up with water!  Yeah. 
                         I think right now might be a good time 
                         to try to get the car out, Mom! 
 
               ["The Butters Show" splash screen]

                                     CHOIR
                         Everyone knows it's Butters!

                                     BUTTERS
                          That's me!

               [Butters' house, night, living room. His mom has returned home 
               and is now writing a note. A noose hangs over the coffee table, 
               ready for her to use when the time comes. His father, apparently, 
               is not home]
 
                                     MOM
                         "Dear bastard husband," No.  "Dear lying 
                         sonofabitch," No.  "Dear assface," Yeah, 
                         that's it. "I will no longer-"
 
                                     DAD
                          Linda?? What are you doing?? 

                                     LINDA
                         Stay away from me, bastard!

                                     DAD
                         Linda, I know this is very hard-

                                     LINDA
                          You don't know anything!

                                     DAD
                         I've been wanting to stop going to those 
                         places, Linda, but I couldn't. I still 
                         love you!
 
                                     LINDA
                          Then why, Chris, why??!!

                                     DAD
                         It just... it started as some curiosity 
                         on the Internet. I would chat with other 
                         married goes in the chat rooms and... 
                         Well the things they woudl talk about, 
                         Linda, I, I don't know why I found it 
                         exciting. I just did, and it, and it 
                         grew from there and it spun out of control, 
                         and- eh, ugh, DAMN YOU, INTERNET!
 
                         
                                     LINDA
                         Well,  you don't have to worry about 
                         your family being in your way anymore! 
                         
 
                                     DAD
                         No, Linda! I don't want that lifestyle! 
                         It's just kind of an addiction. I want 
                         help. And I'm going to get help. Please, 
                         just give me a chance to make this all 
                         up to you.  We can have a normal life!
 
                         
                                     LINDA
                         There is no going back, Chris!

                                     DAD
                         Sure there is!

                                     LINDA
                         No!  Our son is dead!

                                     DAD
                         What?

                                     LINDA
                          I killed him.  I was going to end it 
                         all, and everything spun out of control 
                         for me. I drowned Butters iin the car, 
                         Chris!
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Oh no.  No! No, no, Jesus! Linda, what 
                         were you thinking?
 
                                     LINDA
                          I WASN'T THINKING!  I couldn't think! 
                         You destroyed my life, you!!  D'Oh, 
                         God, what have I done?! Oh, Butter-her-hers-ss-ss- 
                         
 
                                     CHRIS
                          This can't be happening! This is a 
                         bad dream.
 
                                     LINDA
                         Just go away and let me die! 

                                     CHRIS
                          No! Linda, we-

                                     LINDA
                         I'm a murderer, Chris! I don't have 
                         a life now! 
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Linda, Butters is gone.  Oh Christ, 
                         if Butters is gone, then... there's 
                         nothing we can do about that. But I 
                         won't let you go to jail, I promise, 
                         Linda! Pleeease! 
 
               [A river, day. The family car come into view, floating down the 
               river, with Butters still strapped in.]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh, boy! This thing ain't never gonna 
                         stop! I must be all the way down to 
                         Denver by now.  Ohhh, whoopee! Finally. 
                         Uh now that the car has come to a stop,it's 
                         safe for me to unfasten my seat belt. 
                          Boy, Mom must be- worried sick about- 
                         me right now. Ah I goota get back home. 
                          Wuh gee whiz, where the heck am I?
 
                         
               ["The Butters Show" splash screen]

                                     CHOIR
                         -ows it's Butters!

                                     BUTTERS
                          That's me!

               [Butters' house, day. A News 4 crew is there, with reporter in 
               place. So is a crowd of spectators and other news media]
 
                                     NEWS 4 REPORTER
                         Tom, I'm standing in front of the home 
                         of Chris and Linda Stotch. They're living 
                         every parent's nightmare right now, 
                         as last night, while Ms. Stotch was 
                         driving with her son in the car, a man 
                         stopped her, put a gun to her head, 
                         andn took her son away. When asked who 
                         the man was, Ms. Stotch replied, "Some 
                         Puerto Rican guy." Naturally, the police 
                         are in an all-out manhunt for some Puerto 
                         Rican guy.  Uh, it looks like the parents 
                         are about to make a statement, Tom. 
                         
 
                                     REPORTER 1
                         Mrs. Stotch? Mrs. Stotch? Any word yet 
                         from the man who took your son?
 
                                     LINDA
                         No, no, not yet. But if you're out there, 
                         we beg you: we just want our baby returned 
                         safely back to us.
 
                                     NEWS 4 REPORTER 1
                         Mrs. Stotch, what did the kidnapper 
                         look like?
 
                                     LINDA
                         Puerto Rican.

                                     NEWS 4 REPORTER 2
                         Was he tall? Short.

                                     LINDA
                         He was... average Puerto Rican height. 
                         Please, just bring our baby back to 
                         me.
 
               ["The Butters Show" splash screen]

                                     CHOIR
                         ...Butters!

                                     BUTTERS
                          That's me!

               [The highway, day. He's in a Busy Beavers moving truck going 
               uphill]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         And so them my friend started hollerin' 
                         at me, sayin' "you took my rubber bands." 
                         Well, I didn't take 'em, Craig, did. 
                         I saw Craig take 'em. Anyway, boy, I 
                         sure am lucky you came along, Mister.
 
                         
                                     TRUCK DRIVER
                         Yeah. Too bad you're not a broad, 'cause 
                         I need some God-damned poontang.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeah. I could use some God-damned poontang 
                         myself right now. Have you ever been 
                         to Bennigan's, Mister? Oh, it sure is 
                         great. I'm goin' to Bennigan's tomorrow 
                         night with my family. Oh, I can just 
                         see it now.  We'll walk in the front 
                         doors,  and the nice Bennigan's hostess 
                         lady will take us to our cozy booth 
                          Then we'll order some mozzarella sticks, 
                         for appetizers.  Dad will open his present, 
                         and Mom will open hers  Uh then the 
                         Bennigan's wait staff will sing
 
               Happy Happy Anniversary from everyone at Bennigan's

               [the entire staff sings at the table as the family listens]
 
               
               Happy Happy Anniversary-eh from everyone at Bennigan's

               [the sequence is cut short as the driver gets annoyed]

               Happy Happy Anniversary from everyone at Bennigan's

               [the truck stops and the driver exits to make his way to the 
               passenger side]
 
               Happy Ha- Whoa, are we stoppin' for sodas? Hey, can I have chocolate 
               milk? [the driver opens the door, plucks Butters out, set him 
               by the side of the road, closes the door, and heads back for 
               the driver's side. He gets in and drives off. Butters watches 
               him go, then turns to face the receding truck...] He must like 
               TGI Fridays.
 
               [Butters' house, day. The news crews and the crowd are gone. 
               Inside, the parents sit on the sofa as the police and detectives 
               handle the case. The phone rings. Chris rises, but the police 
               chief stops him]
 
                                     POLICE CHIEF
                         Let us handle it.  Barbrady?

                                     BARBRADY
                          Hello?

               [Rob's Sassy Ladys titty bar. A few men sit around looking at 
               an exotic dancer works her way around a pole. Butters is at a 
               pay phone nearby]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh. Hello? Uh, who is this?

                                     BARBRADY
                         Who is this?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh, is this the Stotch residence?

                                     BARBRADY
                         Yes. Are you calling about the abduction?
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         ...No.

                                     BARBRADY
                         Oh. Well, are you Puerto Rican?

                                     BUTTERS
                          ...No.

                                     BARBRADY
                         We need to keep this line clear. Call 
                         back another day.  It wasn't the abductors, 
                         sorry.
 
                                     OFFICER 1
                          Chief! Two more parents from the next 
                         town over have shwon up saying their 
                         child might have been killed by the 
                         same guy that took the Stotch boy.
 
                         
                                     POLICE CHIEF
                         Really?

                                     OFFICER 2
                          This is John and Patsy Ramsey, from 
                         Boulder.
 
                                     JOHN RAMSEY
                          We saw your story on the news, and 
                         we were so sorry to hear about your 
                         loss.
 
                                     PATSY RAMSEY
                         Our daughter was killed a few years 
                         ago, in our house.
 
                                     LINDA
                         Yes, I... remember hearing something 
                         about that.
 
                                     JOHN RAMSEY
                         A and we realized... The man that murdered 
                         your son must be the same person that 
                         killed our daughter!
 
                                     PATSY RAMSEY
                         Yes, because we certainly didn't do 
                         it! No. 
 
                                     JOHN RAMSEY
                         No, huh.

                                     PATSY RAMSEY
                         No.

                                     CHRIS
                         Well, our son was ab-ducted. We don't 
                         know that he's dead yet.
 
                                     THE RAMSEYS
                         Riiight.

               ["The Butters Show" splash screen]

                                     CHOIR
                         ...Butters!

                                     BUTTERS
                          That's me!

               [A road, day. Butters walks along and comes to a fork in the 
               road. A gas station sits in the middle of the fork, and a mechanic 
               works on a red car. Butters approaches him]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Sir? Hello?

                                     MECHANIC
                          Hallo, what can I do for ya?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Wah I have to get to South Park. Eh, 
                         if you give me a ride, I could pay you 
                         the four dollars I made at the titty 
                         bar.
 
                                     MECHANIC
                         Sarrih, wife took the car to Estes Park 
                         for the weekend. Won't be back until 
                         Sunday, hyeah. I can give you a ride 
                         Sunday, if ya like.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         I can't wait till Sunday. I'm eating 
                         with my family at Bennigan's tomorrow.
 
                         
                                     MECHANIC
                         Well, then, looks like you're walkin'.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh will I eventually get to South Park 
                         if I follow this road? 
 
                                     MECHANIC
                         'Aht road leads to Conifuh. You want 
                         to go to South Park, you gotta go down 
                         that rod.  'Course, I ani't nevuh seen 
                         anyone ngo up that rod. Six years ago 
                         a group of campers went up there and 
                         got lost. Had to eat each other to say 
                         alahv. Used to be the way to O'Riley 
                         house. He butchered over fifty children 
                         and kept their bodies in a cellah. But, 
                         you should find an old bridge about 
                         halfway up. That bridge is cursed, you 
                         know? They built it with the bones of 
                         two hundred Chinese laborers who were 
                         massacred in '34. Yeah. Lotta historih 
                         down that rod.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          ...Well, it's my parents' anniversay 
                         tomorrow,  and they're gonna be awful 
                         sad if I'm not there with 'em.
 
                                     MECHANIC
                         Well, uh good luck then.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh jeez. 

                                     MECHANIC
                          ...or is South Park down that rod?
 
                         
               [I Am Siam Thai Cuisine restaurant, day. Inside, the Ramseys 
               and the Stotches are seated at a booth, men on the inside, women 
               on the outside. Lunch is served]
 
                                     JOHN RAMSEY
                         It's so very hard to lose a loved one, 
                         isn't it?
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Yes, it, it sure is.

                                     PATSY RAMSEY
                         Thank goodness we have each other to 
                         share our grief.
 
                                     LINDA
                         Thank goodness.

                                     JOHN RAMSEY
                          Here he is. 

                                     A POLITICIAN
                         John! Patsy!

                                     JOHN RAMSEY
                         Hello, Gary. Great to see you. Chris 
                         and Linda, this is our good friend, 
                         Congressman Gary Condit.  He also lost 
                         someone close to him and thinks it something 
                         to do with the same Puerto Rican guy 
                         that hurt our kids.
 
                                     GARY CONDIT
                         We're goin' tuh get that sonofabitch! 
                         
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Yes, I'd I sure hope we do.

                                     GARY CONDIT
                         I spoke with the FBI and some Puerto 
                         Rican guy has just made their Number 
                         One Most Wanted, heh.
 
                                     PATSY RAMSEY
                         Oh, good. Maybe now they'll catch him. 
                          Oh, here's another member of our support 
                         group.  O.J.
 
                                     O.J. SIMPSON
                          Hey guys.

                                     GARY CONDIT
                         Chris, Linda, you know O.J. Simpson. 
                         
 
                                     LINDA
                         Oh. Sure.

                                     PATSY RAMSEY
                         O.J.'s wife was killed by an uh some 
                         Puerto Rican guy, too.
 
                                     O.J. SIMPSON
                         Yup, it was some Puerto Rican guy all 
                         right.
 
                                     JOHN RAMSEY
                         So you see, Chris and Linda, there are 
                         people like you all over the country 
                         who've been affected by some Puerto 
                         Rican guy.
 
                                     GARY CONDIT
                         Hey! Let's make Chris and Linda an official 
                         part of the group.
 
                                     JOHN RAMSEY
                         Yeah!

                                     PATSY RAMSEY
                         Yeah!

                                     O.J. SIMPSON
                         Alright!

                                     PATSY RAMSEY
                          One of us! One of us!

                                     GARY CONDIT
                         Gooble gobble gooble gobble!

                                     O.J. SIMPSON
                          One of us!

               [the two lines happen together]

                                     O.J. SIMPSON
                         One of us! Gooble gobble!

               
               [The scary road, night. The skies have cleared to reveal a bright 
               full moon. The camera moves down to the road and Butters comes 
               into view singing to himself]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         For family fun and great food, too, 
                         come on down to... Bennigan's
 
               [a shadow flies over the trees in front of him, and an eerie 
               cry is heard. He stops]
 
               Buffalo wings and fried food, cokes, and Foster Farms at... Bennigan's
 
               
               [a snarling sound is heard. He stops and turns right, looking 
               into the trees]
 
               Uhuh, hello? [after a while of looking, he turns left and starts 
               walking again] So come and eat at...
 
                                     A VOICE
                          Why can't he see us?

                                     BUTTERS
                         ...Bennigan's.

               You'll love all our... shenanigans.

               [the eerie sound is heard again, and three red dots are ained 
               at his forehead - he has been targeted by someone, or something... 
               He turns right again and looks into the trees. Someone looks 
               back, and turns on thermal vision. A neon view of Butters is 
               shown. Butters turns left and start walking agian. The three 
               dots remain trained on his forehead]
 
               Oh, nutsack [moves his hands to his mouth and gasps a bit] Oops.
 
               
               ["The Butters Show" splash screen]

                                     CHOIR
                         Everyone knows it's Butters!

                                     BUTTERS
                          That's me!

               [Butters' house, day, the anniversary has arrived. Inside, Chris 
               and Linda are fighting over the details of the unfolding story 
               of Butters' disappearance. He sits on the sofa; she's pacing 
               the floor, crying, and both are unkempt]
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Naw, Linda! Because you can't now say 
                         that the abductor is Costa Rican!  You 
                         have to learn to keep it straight!
 
                         
                                     LINDA
                         I can't keep it straight when you keep 
                         inventing new parts to the story!
 
                         
                                     CHRIS
                         Hey, don't forget that I'm covering 
                         for you! 
 
                                     LINDA
                         Don't forget: your lies started all 
                         this. 
 
                                     CHRIS
                         My lies may have been deceitful, but 
                         your lies cover up something much more 
                         horrible than anything I ever did! 
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Happy Anniversary!

                                     CHRIS
                         Not now, Butters!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh.  Alright, then. I-

                                     LINDA
                         Butters?? Oh, Butters!

                                     CHRIS
                         Son! I don't believe it! 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Ah, I'm sorry. The car just rolled into 
                         the lake, and it floated all the way 
                         down the river. I tried callin' home, 
                         but it was-
 
                                     LINDA
                         Oh, my baby's back!

                                     BUTTERS
                         I ain't grounded, am I?

                                     CHRIS
                         No-huih, no, Butters. Oh, son, why... 
                          Oh... Uh, we're gonna need you to tell 
                         a little white lie about where you've 
                         been though, alright?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Lie?

                                     LINDA
                         Oh. Eh yes. Uh darling, you're going 
                         to have to say you don't know how you 
                         got home.
 
                                     CHRIS
                         No! You have to say that a Puerto Rican 
                         man dropped you off! 
 
                                     LINDA
                         Ohhh, who's gonna believe he just dropped 
                         him off?!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hey, you stop hollerin'! It's your anniversary.
 
                         
                                     CHRIS
                          Now we don't really have a choice, 
                         do we?!
 
                                     LINDA
                         You're the one that made up the stuff 
                         about the Puerto Rican, IDIOT!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh stop it, Mom and Dad.

                                     CHRIS
                         Well you're the one who couldn't back 
                         it up wit a description, stupid!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Now gosh darn it, you!  You listen here! 
                         Now I am sick of these harmless lies 
                         and l-little white lies. You know, you 
                         can call a shovel an ice-cream machine, 
                         but it's still a shovel, Mom and Dad. 
                         Ah, and you can call a lie whatever 
                         you want, but it's still a no-good stinkin' 
                         lie! And when you start coverin' up 
                         one lie with another why, now that's 
                         when you get into real trouble!  Boy 
                         I've, I've just about had it up to here 
                          with you two! 
 
                                     CHRIS
                         ...Butters... You're as right as rain.
 
                         
                                     LINDA
                          You sure are.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Well I ain't in trouble for hollerin' 
                         at ya, am I?
 
                                     LINDA
                         No, Butters. You're the best son in 
                         the whole world.  And I am so happy 
                         you're alive.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         ...Well ah, I'm happy you're alive too, 
                         Mom. So now can we go to Bennigan's?
 
                         
                                     CHRIS
                         You bet, son. But Mommy and Daddy have 
                         something they have to do first. 
 
                         
               [Butters' house, day. The news media and the spectators are back 
               at the Stotch house for another press conference.. The front 
               door opens and the Stotches step forth to the podium, all cleaned 
               up and well-dressed. Cameramen begin taking pictures]
 
                                     CHRIS
                         We... have an announcement to make, 
                         um. Our son has been returned to us. 
                         
 
                                     MAN IN CROWD
                         Wow, alright

                                     STAN
                         Butters was missing?

                                     CHRIS
                         But, that isn't all we have to say. 
                         You see, we learned a very important 
                         lesson tonight and it took the smarts 
                         of our young son to show us.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Yeah!

                                     LINDA
                         We've learned that deception is wrong 
                         and that the only thing to ever make 
                         it right again is to come clean.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeah! 

                                     CHRIS
                         You see, I've been deceiving my wife 
                         for several months. I was going to gay 
                         movie- and bathhouses and having sex 
                         with random men who were complete strangers.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                          Ye-!  wait, what?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Huho!

                                     LINDA
                          And when I found out I went crazy, 
                         I went crazy and I drove my son into 
                         the lake to kill 'im.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh, k-kill me? Uh Jesus Christ!

                                     STAN
                         Damn, dude.

                                     CHRIS
                         So you see, there was no "some Puerto 
                         Rican guy." He doesn't exist. And so 
                         the people we owe the biggest apology 
                         to are the Ramseys, Congressman Condit, 
                         and O.J. We gave you false hope for 
                         finding the person who hurt those close 
                         to you and, we're sorry. Now we're just 
                         happy we won't have to live a life of 
                         secrets. For I knew that even though 
                         some of you supported us, some others 
                         were looking at me and thinking, "You're 
                         a liar! You're a LIAR!"  "You know somethin' 
                         that you're not telling us, you slimy, 
                         scumbag LIAR!!"  Eh you know, that's 
                         what people would say to me. And then 
                         people would see my wife at the supermarket 
                         and they would say, "Hello," but they'd 
                         be thinking, "Ah, there goes that MURDERER!" 
                          "You got away with MURDER you murdering, 
                         lying, waste of life!!"  And to me, 
                         people might say things like,  "LIAR! 
                         Tell us what you know you God-damned 
                         LIAR!!"  And so, to both of us, people 
                         all over town would be saying things 
                         like,  "You know God-damn well what 
                         happened to your kid, so stop acting 
                         like victims, and confess, you MURDERING 
                         MURDERERS!!"  "CONFESS!!"  "LIAR!! CONFESS!!" 
                          You know, and, that's what people would 
                         be saying to us, and so, we just had 
                         to come forward and tell the truth.
 
                         
                                     LINDA
                         We're sorry we lied to you all. It won't 
                         happen again.
 
                                     CHRIS
                         And now, if you'll excuse us, this family 
                         has to get to Bennigan's.
 
                                     MAN 2 IN CROWD
                         Yeah-ah-alright! 

                                     STAN
                         Wow dude, your dad's a perv and your 
                         mom tried to kill you.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeah. Boy, you fellas are sure gonna 
                         rip on me at school now.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         We sure are.

                                     BUTTERS
                         I really wish I didn't know that stuff. 
                         I guess I learned that sometimes, lying 
                         can be for the best. Yup. Oh well, when 
                         I want a chipotle bleu cheese bacon 
                         burger at Bennigan's, I forget all about 
                         my dad... bein' queer and my mom tryin' 
                         to kill me. I'm gonna be okay.
 
                                     STAN
                         Really?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Naw, I'm lyin'

                                     CHRIS
                          Let's go, son.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Wuh comin', Dad! 

                                     CHOIR
                         Everyone knows it's Butters!

                                     BUTTERS
                          That's me!

               THE END

Butters' Very Own Episode



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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