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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                     Episode 701


                                     "CANCELLED"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [At the bus stop, day. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny wait. Ike 
               hops into view]
 
                                     THE BOYS
                         School days, school days, teacher's 
                         golden rule day...
 
                                     KYLE
                         Ah, damn it!

                                     CARTMAN
                         What?

                                     KYLE
                         My God-damned little brother's trying 
                         to follow me to school, again!
 
                                     IKE
                         Suck my balls.

                                     KYLE
                         No, Ike! You can't come to school with 
                         me. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah! Go home, you little dildo!

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, for the last time, don't call 
                         my brother a dildo!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Alright, go home, you little semen-puking 
                         asshole dickhead!  Ow!
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, sweet! 

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. Check it out.  Ready Ike? Kick 
                         the baby!
 
                                     IKE
                         Don't hit the God-damned baby!

                                     KYLE
                         Kick it!

                                     IKE
                         Waa...  ...aaaah.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Uuugh.

                                     KYLE
                         Whoa Cartman. Looks like you didn't 
                         get much sleep last night.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         That's because I was having these bogus 
                         nightmares all night long.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Really? What about?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, I dreamt that I was lying in my 
                         bed...  in the dark. When all of a sudden 
                         this bright blue light filled the room 
                         . Then slowly my bedroom door begin 
                         to open  and the next thing I remember 
                         I was being drug through a hallway. 
                          Then these scary hands wanted to operate 
                         on me.  And they had big heads and big 
                         black eyes...
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude! Visitors!

                                     KYLE
                         Totally!

                                     CARTMAN
                         What?

                                     STAN
                         That wasn't a dream Cartman, those were 
                         visitors!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No, it was just a dream,  my mom said 
                         so.
 
                                     STAN
                         Visitors are real. They...  Wait a minute. 
                         This has all happened before.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. This does seem really familiar.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         What the Funk & Wagnalls are you talkin' 
                         about?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Cartman, don't you remember the last 
                         time you had this dream?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Eh-ih... shut up you guys, you're just 
                         tryin' to scare me.
 
                                     STAN
                         No, dude, this happened before! Aliens 
                         put some device in you and then we tied 
                         you up to a tree and you went up on 
                         their ship! You don't remember that?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         No I don't remember that!

                                     KYLE
                         You don't?

                                     CARTMAN
                         No, because the aliens erased my memory!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         I remember this whole thing.  Ike tried 
                         to follow you to school. You kicked 
                         him, then Cartman told us about his 
                         alien dream.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, and then Chef pulled up in his 
                         car. 
 
                                     CHEF
                          Hello there, children! 

                                     KYLE
                          And then you said

                                     STAN
                         What's gonna be for lunch today, Chef?
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         Well, today it's Salisbury steak with 
                         hot buttered noodles
 
                                     ALL
                         and a choice of green bean salad or 
                         vegetable medley.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Weird

                                     CHEF
                         Say, did any of you children

                                     ALL
                         see the alien space ship last night?
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         What the?

                                     STAN
                         Chef, we're in a repeat.

                                     CHEF
                         A repeat??

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman was visited by aliens again 
                         last night. And now it's like we're 
                         living a repeat of a previous day.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Aw dude, I hate repeats!

                                     CHEF
                          I've been feelin' déjà vu all mornin', 
                         children. I knew somethin' strange was 
                         goin' on!
 
                                     STAN
                         It all started when Cartman got an anal 
                         probe.
 
                                     CHEF
                         We have to get Eric to a proctologist 
                         right away.
 
               [South Park Medical Clinic. Inside, Chef and the boys wait on 
               chairs as Cartman lies face down on a proctologist's table]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         What is a proc-tologist, Chef?

                                     CHEF
                         He's a doctor that specializes in your 
                         asshole, children.
 
                                     STAN
                         You mean, at some point in this doctor's 
                         life he decided he wanted to work on 
                         people's buttholes.
 
                                     CHEF
                         That's right.

                                     KYLE
                         What a dick!

                                     PROCTOLOGIST
                          Hello everyone! 

                                     CHEF
                         Hello Doctor. Thanks for seein' Eric 
                         on such short notice.
 
                                     PROCTOLOGIST
                         What seems to be the problem?

                                     CHEF
                         We just want you to take a look and 
                         tell us if you see anything abnormal.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Other than his monstrous size.

                                     CARTMAN
                          SHUT UP, KYLE! SHUT YOUR GOD-DAMNED 
                         MOUTH! 
 
                                     PROCTOLOGIST
                         All right, let's see here.  Oh my God!!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         What?

                                     PROCTOLOGIST
                         Why, there's a huge crack goin' right 
                         down the middle! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Haha, very funny.

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, like we haven't heard that one 
                         a zillion times.
 
                                     PROCTOLOGIST
                          All right, let's take a look. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Heey, just what the hell do you think 
                         you're doing?
 
                                     CHEF
                         Eric, the doctor has to feel inside 
                         your rectum.
 
                                     KYLE
                         And afterwards, he'll probably have 
                         to burn his hand and bury it.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Kyle, I swear, if I didn't have a guy's 
                         hand up my ass right now, I'd leap across 
                         the room and kick you in the nuts. Eh. 
                         Oohh. Eow.
 
                                     PROCTOLOGIST
                         Well the prostate seems to be normal. 
                         No swelling of the hemorrhoidal gland...
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Eh- Aaaaah. Ooooo-ah. Uuuuu aaaaa.
 
                         
                                     PROCTOLOGIST
                         Wait, what's this? 

                                     KYLE
                         Are you okay?

                                     CARTMAN
                          Dude. You know that feeling when you 
                         take a huuuge dump? Awesome! 
 
                                     CHEF
                         Well, doctor?

                                     PROCTOLOGIST
                          I've never quite seen this before, 
                         uh... Perhaps he just needs some hemorrhoid 
                         cream.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Aaaaaa aaaaaa ooagh!

                                     STAN
                         You all right?

                                     CARTMAN
                         You know the feeling when the huge dump 
                         you just took shoots back up inside 
                         your ass? NO I"M NOT ALL RIGHT!!
 
                                     PROCTOLOGIST
                         I've never seen a hemorrhoid react this 
                         way.
 
                                     CHEF
                         That wasn't no hemorrhoid, it was an 
                         alien hoobajoob! Come on, children! 
                         We've got to get Eric to some real help!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Where to now, Chef?

                                     CHEF
                         That thing inside Eric's asshole looked 
                         like some kinda alien satellite dish. 
                         We need to see my friend down at the 
                         Space Center now! 
 
               [The space center. Lots of satellite dishes dot the premises. 
               Inside Chef leads the children to a scientist.]
 
                                     CHEF
                         And you're the only person I could think 
                         of who might be able to help us, Jeff.
 
                         
                                     JEFF
                         How do we uh, make it come out?

                                     CHEF
                         Someone just has to activate it like 
                         the proctologist did.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Ohhh no no nonono! Nobody is putting 
                         their finger in my ass again! Unless 
                         it's Kyle. 
 
                                     STAN
                         What?

                                     KYLE
                         No way!  You do it, Kenny!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Nope! It has to be Kyle!

                                     STAN
                         Go on.

                                     KYLE
                         I'm not putting my finger up Cartman's 
                         butt!
 
                                     CHEF
                         Kyle, the fate of the world may be at 
                         stake.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Come, Kyle. Do hurry.  Go ahead, it 
                         won't bite. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         God-damnit Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                          I couldn't resist. I'm sorry. 

                                     KYLE
                         Stop it Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Okay. Okay okay. 

                                     KENNY
                          (Gaaahaha, he got you again!)

                                     KYLE
                         God Damnit!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Haha. Oh man, that was great. Okay, 
                         go ahead. I'm all out of farts now. 
                          Gahaaa! Derrr!
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Derrr!)

                                     CARTMAN
                         Okaay, okay. It's not funny anymore. 
                          Oh yes it is! 
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Yes it is!)

                                     CHEF
                         Eric, that's enough!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, okay.  Ohh, double psych!

                                     KYLE
                         That's it!  I don't care about the fate 
                         of the world! Screw it!
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh, nice going, Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                         All right, all right, I'm sorry. Go 
                         ahead, Kyle.
 
                                     KYLE
                         No!

                                     CARTMAN
                         No, go ahead. I'm dry.

                                     KYLE
                         You're lying!

                                     CHEF
                         It stopped being funny forty seconds 
                         ago, boy! Let's just get this over with!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         But it was one of the best times I've 
                         ever had.
 
                                     JEFF
                         Can I see this thing, please?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay.  Ohhh! God-damnit! 

                                     CHEF
                         Okay. Now it's funny again.

                                     CARTMAN
                         This is so awesome. I don't think I 
                         made it out of that proctologist's office, 
                         guys. I think I died and went to heaven.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         That does it! CHARGE! 

                                     CHEF
                         What's it doing?

                                     JEFF
                         It, it's sending a transmission of some 
                         kind.  Got it! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         It's just sending images of cities and 
                         people and stuff.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Where is the signal being sent to? 
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ugh. I don't wanna play anymore, you 
                         guys.
 
                                     KYLE
                         We went through all that just for some 
                         gay video of Earth?
 
                                     STAN
                         We wanted to see an alien planet or 
                         something.
 
                                     JEFF
                         Whoever they are, if they're receiving 
                         messages, they might be sending them, 
                         too. Wait a minute. c-candy bars.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Candy bars?

                                     JEFF
                         Yu-you know. Candy bars. They usually 
                         come in a wrapper. Just like you... 
                         wrap a Christmas present. Christmas 
                         happens when it's cold. Cold, as in 
                         Alaska - that's... with polar bears. 
                         Polar bears... pola... polarity! I can 
                         switch the polarity to see what transmissions 
                         are coming from the location this one 
                         is being sent to!  What the heck?  They're 
                         coming in! 
 
                                     STAN
                         What do we do???

                                     CARTMAN
                          It's that guy you want! He's trying 
                         to reverse your polarities!
 
                                     JEFF
                         What?? 

                                     CHEF
                         Help!

                                     KYLE
                         Aaaah! Runrunruuun! 

                                     STAN
                         Let's go!

                                     CHEF
                         Get in the car, children! Get in the 
                         car! 
 
                                     STAN
                          What is that?

                                     CHEF
                         Can you see anything, children? 

                                     KYLE
                          The aliens are chasing us! 

                                     CHEF
                         God damned aliens! 

                                     STAN
                         Chef! End of the road! 

                                     CHEF
                         Hold on, children!  We have to ditch 
                         them! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What are you doing, man?! 

                                     NARRATOR
                          Looks like them boys are gettin' a 
                         little fresh air. 
 
                                     KYLE
                          I think we ditched them.

                                     CHEF
                         I don't think we're outta the woods 
                         yet. 
 
                                     DRIVER
                         Doot doot.

                                     STAN
                         It's the police!

                                     CHEF
                         That ain't no police! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         When do we get to eat. I'm hungry.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Chef!! 

                                     CHEF
                          HA! God-damned aliens! I beat you! 
                          Where'd you learn to drive, aliens?! 
                         Chinese auto school?! 
 
                                     THE BOYS
                         Chef! Chef! They've got us!

                                     CHEF
                         You're lucky I didn't just turn around 
                         and beat your white skinny alien asses 
                         anyway! Maybe next time you'll remember 
                         to...  Huh?  Aw crap! Children!
 
                                     THE BOYS
                         Cheeeeeeef!

                                     NARRATOR
                          Well, it looks like the boys are in 
                         more trouble than a June bug in molasses. 
                         And it's pretty thick molasses, too.
 
                         
               [A chamber. Stan is tied up in some green alien pod, asleep.]
 
               
                                     STAN
                         Uh.  Wugh. You guys. Wake up! 

                                     KYLE
                          What the? Where are, where are we?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         We're in the alien ship.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ah. Uh! I'm trapped inside Helen Hunt's 
                         ass!  Oh God, help me you guys!
 
                                     KYLE
                         It's not Helen Hunt's ass. It's an alien 
                         space ship.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          ...Oh, thank God! Well then, thank 
                         you Lord.
 
                                     STAN
                          Guys. Look. 

                                     KYLE, CARTMAN
                         Wow. 

                                     STAN
                         My God, do you guys realize? This is 
                         only the second time we've ever been 
                         in outer space.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah.

                                     KENNY
                         (Awesome)

                                     CARTMAN
                         This is like my fifth time. 

                                     STAN
                         Uh oh. This must be the head alien guy.
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Oh no!) 

                                     ALIEN
                         Hello boys.

                                     STAN
                         Dad?

                                     ALIEN
                         No, not really. I just read your mind 
                         and thought this form might be more 
                         pleasing to you.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Aw dude, don't do that. That's gay.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, that's like that stupid movie, 
                         Contact.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Aw God, that movie pissed me off.

                                     ALIEN
                         Very well, I shall show my true form. 
                          Rah rah rah rah rah. Rah rah rah rah.
 
                         
                                     THE BOYS
                          AAAAH!

                                     STAN
                         Okay okay, take the form of something 
                         else!
 
                                     ALIEN
                          How's this? 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Santa!

                                     STAN
                         Nno, that's stupid too. 

                                     ALIEN
                         How about this? 

                                     STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN
                         No.  No! 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Oooo, very nice.

                                     STAN
                         No! 

                                     KYLE
                         No! 

                                     ALIEN
                         Dy-no-mite!

                                     THE BOYS
                         No!

               [Back at the space center, day. Jeff is cleaning up after the 
               destruction left behind by the visitors]
 
                                     CHEF
                          Jeff!! The aliens took the children 
                         up on their ship.
 
                                     JEFF
                         Oh no!

                                     CHEF
                         Did you find out what the aliens were 
                         up to?
 
                                     JEFF
                         When I reversed the polarities, I found 
                         this:  It's a message that the aliens 
                         are broadcasting throughout the entire 
                         universe. But I have no idea what it 
                         says.
 
                                     CHEF
                         They took the children, Jeff! I have 
                         to know what those aliens are up to!
 
                         
                                     JEFF
                          Wait a minute! Butt sex!

                                     CHEF
                         Butt sex?

                                     JEFF
                         Butt sex requires a lot of lubrication, 
                         right? Lubrication. Lubruh... Chupuh... 
                         Chupacabra 's the, the goat killer of 
                         Mexican folklore. Folklore is stories 
                         from the past that are often fictionalized. 
                         Fictionalized to heighten drama. Drama 
                         students! Students at colleges usally 
                         have bicycles! Bi, bian, binary. It's 
                         binary code! 
 
                                     CHEF
                         Who's havin' butt sex?

               [Back on the alien ship]

                                     ALIEN
                          Hello my honey, hello my baby, hello 
                         my ragtime gal! 
 
                                     THE BOYS
                          No!

                                     ALIEN
                          Lemme search ya, gonna work ya, hepsunudupunubuh 
                         huh.
 
                                     THE BOYS
                         No! 

                                     ALIEN
                          Don't piss on the moon, babe.

                                     THE BOYS
                         NO!

                                     ALIEN
                         All right, earthlings, what form do 
                         you want me to take? 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         How about a taco, that craps ice cream? 
                          Guys?
 
                                     STAN
                         I like it.

                                     KENNY
                         (Me too.) 

                                     ALIEN
                         All right, then we can get back to business. 
                         Follow me this way, earthlings.  I want 
                         to apologize to you boys for all the 
                         spooky, scary stuff. We just needed 
                         to get to the malfunctioning uplink 
                         relay.
 
                                     STAN
                         You mean, the thing in Cartman's ass?
 
                         
                                     ALIEN
                         That's right. See, there are dishes 
                         in over fifty thousand earthlings' rectums. 
                         Your friend's has been malfunctioning.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Why do you put them into people's asses? 
                         Are you planning some kind of alien 
                         takeover?
 
                                     ALIEN
                         Oh, heavens no! We're a production company. 
                         We make intergalactic television programs 
                         that the whole universe watches. 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Television? 

                                     ALIEN
                         We at Nerzod Productions started twenty 
                         billion years ago with one philosophy: 
                         the best universal television isn't 
                         scripted, it's real.  We started with 
                         great shows like, "Who Wants To Marry 
                         A Gelgamek?" and "Antares 6 Millionaire". 
                         And then we had a big hit with "Get 
                         Me Outta Here, I'm a Klingnanian". But 
                         then of course, there's our signature 
                         show. The greatest universal reality 
                         show of all time. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Earth?

                                     ALIEN
                         A few billion years ago we realized, 
                         "what if we took species from all different 
                         planets in the universe, and put them 
                         together, on the same planet?" Great 
                         TV, right? Asians, bears, ducks, Jews, 
                         deer and Hispanics, all trying to live 
                         side by side on one planet! It's great! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Our planet is just a reality-TV show?
 
                         
                                     ALIEN
                         Well, you don't think the whole universe 
                         works the way Earth does, do you? No! 
                         One species, one planet! There's a planet 
                         of deer, a planet of Asians, and so 
                         on! We put them all together on Earth 
                         and the whole universe tunes in to watch 
                         the fun!
 
                                     KYLE
                         You mean that you aliens actually enjoy 
                         sitting around and watching us fight 
                         and kill each other? Dude, that's messed 
                         up.
 
                                     ALIEN
                         Why?

                                     STAN
                         Why?? Because you're playing with people's 
                         lives! You're turning people's problems 
                         into entertainment!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah! We'd never do that on Earth! 
 
                         
               [The Convention Center, day.]

                                     JEFF
                         Ladies and Gentleman, we have recently 
                         come across an alien transmission that 
                         is being beamed throughout the entire 
                         universe.  When decoded, it looks like 
                         this. 
 
                                     MAN
                          What does it mean?

                                     JEFF
                         Ih it's simple mathematical language 
                         that can be understood throughout the 
                         solar system. Translated into our language, 
                         it looks like this. 
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         This jannemon at eight o'clock, it's 
                         everyone's favorite show! Earth! It's 
                         been one hundred Gelganighs since we 
                         first took species from seventeen different 
                         planets and put them all together, on 
                         the same planet! Oo-derp! They've fought 
                         and fallen in love! What will happen 
                         this Galgamog? Tune in jannemon at eight 
                         to find out. It's... Earth! On Fognl!
 
                         
                                     JEFF
                         I'm afraid that Earth, a-all of Earth, 
                         is nothing but an intergalactic reality-TV 
                         show.
 
                                     MAN 2
                         My God. We're famous! 

                                     JEFF
                         Waaaait, you don't understand!

                                     MAN 3
                          I'm on TV! I'm on TV!

                                     MAN 4
                         This is so awesome! 

                                     OTHERS
                         Woo! Yeah! Woohoo!! 

               [Back at Nerzod Productions. Cartman is bent over once more, 
               with his pants down. The visitors have finished working on him]
 
               
                                     ALIEN
                         That should get the relay working again. 
                          All right, Earthlings, if you'll step 
                         over this way we'll erase your memories 
                         and get you back to Earth.  Oh, excuse 
                         me.  This is Nagix. Uh huh. Oh no. Oh 
                         no, really? And it's, it's for sure? 
                         All right, I'll break the news to everyone. 
                         No, no I, I understand. Thanks.  Well, 
                         you kids can go back to Earth if you 
                         want, but I'm afraid it won't be there 
                         for long. The show's been cancelled.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         What?? Who cancelled us?

                                     NAGIX
                         The universal network heads. They say 
                         the Earthlings have become aware of 
                         the show, so it won't be fuinny anymore. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh shit, did we do that?

                                     NAGIX
                         Everyone, can I have your attention 
                         real quick? Uuh, look, I just got a 
                         call from the network and I'm afraid 
                         Earth has been cancelled
 
                                     STAFF
                         Awww.

                                     NAGIX
                         Now, now, it was a great run and I think 
                         we should all be really proud.  Let's 
                         call in a demolition crew to strike 
                         the Earth for resources.
 
                                     STAN
                         Wait! Wait, they they can't do this! 
                         Uh, let us talk to the network heads!
 
                         
                                     NAGIX
                         Wouldn't do any good.

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, we have to try!

                                     STAN
                         Please, take us to them! Please!

                                     NAGIX
                         All right, kids, we'll take you to the 
                         network heads. But I warn you: nobody 
                         has ever gotten the executives to uncancel 
                         a show once the call has been made. 
                         Nobody. 
 
               [Earth. A view of it from outer space. A few seconds later, an 
               immense crane floats towards Earth with wrecking ball ready and 
               beeper going. It stops. Two alien laborers sit inside and the 
               driver activates the crane arm. The wrecking ball moves and strikes 
               western Africa. A shot of people running across a bridge. The 
               whole planet moves as if by an earhquake. Chef almost loses his 
               balance at the space center as the ground undulates]
 
                                     CHEF
                         What the hell is that?!

                                     JEFF
                         There's a huge ship of some kind in 
                         Earth's orbit!  But why? Wait a minute! 
                         Chaos theory!
 
                                     CHEF
                         Chaos theory??

                                     JEFF
                         Chaos theory, ih wah, it was first thought 
                         of in the sixties. Sixty. That's the 
                         number of episodes they made of Punky 
                         Brewster before it was cancelled. Cancelled...
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         Huh?

                                     JEFF
                         Don't you see? The show is over! The 
                         aliens are cancelling Earth!
 
                                     CHEF
                         Oh my God! We have to stop them!

               [The boys walk down a futuristic sidewalk on a strange planet]
 
               
                                     VOICE
                         Welcome to Planet Fognl, home of the 
                         Joozians, who control all media in the 
                         universe. 
 
                                     RECEPTIONIST
                         Can I help you?

                                     STAN
                         Oh, uh... we have a three o'clock meeting 
                         with the network heads?
 
                                     RECEPTIONIST
                         Where are you visiting from?

                                     STAN
                         Uh, Earth?

                                     RECEPTIONIST
                         Oooo, I watch that show all the time. 
                         
 
                                     JOOZIAN 1
                         Gaaahahaha.  Oh, sure, come on in, Earthlings. 
                         We're just checking out our new show.
 
                         
                                     JOOZIAN 2
                         We took a hundred beings from the planet 
                         Marklar and put them on an asteroid 
                         with sentient beings from the Horsehead 
                         Nebula. Ih-it's a riot!
 
                                     JOOZIAN 1
                         They hate each other!

                                     JOOZIAN 2
                         Gah, why? 

                                     KYLE
                         Mighty powerful network executives,
 
                         
               
               We have come a great distance in order to ha- 

                                     JOOZIAN 1
                         Oooo, I'm starving! You Earthlings have 
                         haglar yet?
 
                                     JOOZIAN 2
                         Oh yeah, let's do haglar.

                                     JOOZIAN 1
                         Where do you wanna go? Meroni's?

                                     JOOZIAN 2
                         Not on a Flakmar. Too crowded. Ohhh, 
                         Blackafelch!
 
                                     JOOZIAN 1
                         Oh, Blackafelch. Perfect.

               [Blackafelch Restaurant, later. Aliens of all kinds sit and enjoy 
               their meals.]
 
                                     JOOZIAN 2
                         This place is fantastic!

                                     STAN
                         Look, we just want to talk to you about 
                         the show.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Please don't cancel us. Please.

                                     JOOZIAN 1
                         Oh I'm sorry, Earthlings, but you have 
                         to realize the universe is a business.
 
                         
                                     JOOZIAN 2
                         You've made it to a hundred episodes, 
                         you should be proud!
 
                                     JOOZIAN 1
                         Yeah, a show should never go past a 
                         hundred episodes, or else it starts 
                         to get stale with ridiculously stupid 
                         plotlines and settings.
 
                                     WAITRESS
                          Here's yoiur order of gespahtgaplachfenachenblah. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         But sirs, we think our show is just 
                         getting good.  I mean, we're just now 
                         starting to see people get really pissed 
                         off at each other.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh my God, this is great!

                                     JOOZIAN 1
                         You must have some Joozian ancestry.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Tell us about it!

                                     STAN
                         Look, there's five billion people on 
                         our show. You just can't up and cancel 
                         on us.
 
                                     JOOZIAN 1
                         Oh my God! Would you look at the heglars 
                         on that joozinek?
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, we're trying to save our planet 
                         here?!
 
                                     JOOZIAN 1
                         Let's take the Earthlings to a hekmubah!
 
                         
                                     JOOZIAN 2
                         Oh, yeah!

               [A hekmabah, a Joozian strip club. A Joozinek slithers around 
               a dance pole]
 
                                     JOOZIAN 1
                         Oh yeah, let's see those heglars!

                                     STAN
                         Sirs, uh, if you'll just let-

                                     JOOZIAN 1
                         Oh, man, I am so wasted!  Hey, do you 
                         Earthlings wanna try a little glach? 
                          Agh-oh yeah!!  Oh, gluck yeah!! 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Kenny! 

                                     JOOZIAN 1
                         Meeh, screw this place! Let's go get 
                         a hotel room and a hooker!
 
                                     JOOZIAN 2
                         Oh yeah!

                                     JOOZIAN 1
                         Yeah! 

               [Back on earth, the massive cranes swings at Earth again. More 
               quakes follow and the space center is damaged some more]
 
                                     CHEF
                         We have to find a way to stop those 
                         aliens!
 
                                     JEFF
                          Oh, their ship is massive! There's 
                         no way to stop it!  Wait a minute, jackets!
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                          Oh no.

                                     JEFF
                         If people don't wear jackets they could 
                         get cold. A cold is caused by a virus. 
                         A viru- a computer virus! We could make 
                         a computer virus and send it to their 
                         ships to disable their computers!
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                          That doesn't make any God-damned sense!
 
                         
               [an adult hotel. The Joozians are in bed with a hooker and they 
               begin to disrobe]
 
                                     JOOZIAN 2
                         Ogh.

                                     JOOZIAN 1
                         Oh yeah!

                                     JOOZIAN 2
                         Good.

                                     JOOZIAN 1
                         Oh yeah! Yeah!! 

                                     JOOZIAN 2
                         Woohoohoo! Yeah!

                                     JOOZIAN 1
                         Booyagh! Boy, Earthlings, is this a 
                         party or what?? 
 
                                     JOOZIAN 2
                         Oh! Oh, that's it baby! You're getting 
                         my jagon hard! 
 
                                     JOOZIAN 1
                          Wohh. Yeah, let's party! 

                                     JOOZIAN 2
                         Yeah, suck my jagon!

                                     JOOZIAN 1
                          Yeah! Now you suck on my jagon!  Oh 
                         yeah!! Stick your finger in my thrusher! 
                          Oh yeah, suck it. Suck that jagon! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, I have no idea what we're seeing 
                         right now, but I have a feeling it's 
                         really, really wrong. 
 
                                     JOOZIAN 1
                          Oh yes!! Oh yeah yeahyeah! Oh yeah!
 
                         
               [Back at universal network headquarters. The Joozians have ice 
               packs on their heads, recovering from the raunch they experienced 
               the night before]
 
                                     JOOZIAN 2
                         Oh, God. Eh eh, my head.  What did we 
                         do?
 
                                     JOOZIAN 1
                         Oh man, I can't believe I sucked your 
                         jagon.
 
                                     JOOZIAN 2
                         Oh God, we did suck each other's jagons! 
                         You kids won't tell anybody about this, 
                         right??
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No.

                                     STAN
                          No, wait. We won't tell anybody, if 
                         you don't cancel our show!
 
                                     JOOZIAN 1
                         Oooo, I knew that was coming.

                                     JOOZIAN 2
                         They really got us by the nezmins

                                     KYLE
                         The Earth show can still be good. Just 
                         erase everyone's memory so we don't 
                         know we're a show.
 
                                     STAN
                         I'm sure you'll see that if you give 
                         our world time, it will become even 
                         more outrageous and violent.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         There's even World War Three to look 
                         forward to.
 
                                     KYLE
                         And then we won't have to show anybody 
                         the picture Kenny has of you guys sucking 
                         each other's jagons.
 
                                     JOOZIAN 1
                         He-all right, all right Earthlings! 
                         Ya, you win! The show can stay on.
 
                         
                                     THE BOYS
                         All right!

                                     JOOZIAN 1
                         Just be sure to keep up the wars and 
                         violence.
 
                                     JOOZIAN 2
                         Well, we've got a five o'clock with 
                         the Yurka producers.  Nice meeting you 
                         Earthlings. Bye! 
 
               [The bus stop, day. Kenny is missing]

                                     CARTMAN
                          Uuugh.

                                     KYLE
                         Whoa Cartman. Looks like you didn't 
                         get much sleep last night.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         That's because I was having these bogus 
                         nightmares all night long.
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Hey you guys, look.) 

                                     KYLE
                         What the hell is that?

                                     KENNY
                         (I don't know.)

                                     CHEF
                          Hello there, children!

                                     THE BOYS
                         Hey Chef. 

                                     STAN
                         Chef, Kenny has a picture of two green 
                         things sucking each other's shoulders. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What is it, Chef?

                                     CHEF
                         I don't know. But something tells me 
                         this picture might be very important, 
                         children.  You should hang on to it.
 
                         
               [TV spot]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Attention universe! Be sure to tune 
                         in next week for another exciting episode 
                         of... Earth! The Asians  are reeeally 
                         steamed at the Russians . The zebras 
                         try to get along with the buffalo.  
                         And Americans  and Iraqis  have an all-out 
                         brawl.  It's outrageous fun and it's 
                         all new! Earth! On Fognl.
 
               THE END

Cancelled



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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