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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                     Episode 813


                              "CARTMAN'S INCREDIBLE GIFT"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [Cartman's yard, side of the house, day. The fourth grade boys 
               are gathered there for some reason]
 
                                     CLYDE
                         I don't know, that looks pretty high 
                         up.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeah. I think it'd be better to start 
                         lower.
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, I really don't think it's smart, 
                         Cartman. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         This is gonna be totally cool, you guys.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         It's not gonna work; just come down 
                         from there.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          ...Geez, this looks a lot higher from 
                         up here.
 
                                     KYLE
                          What's going on?

                                     STAN
                         Cartman thinks he can fly off of his 
                         roof. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Do it! Do it!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm gonna.

                                     CRAIG
                         I wouldn't if I were you.

                                     TOKEN
                         Those wings don't look very strong.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Don't listen to 'em, Cartman! I'm sure 
                         it'll work. Go for it. Yaaay Cartman! 
                         Fly fly fly!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, here we go.  Since the days of 
                         Copernicus, man has dreamed of flight. 
                         On this historic day, let us go on to
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Awww, go on and do it already!

                                     CARTAMN
                         Hold on, I'm givin' my speech! On this 
                         historic day, we remember the Wright 
                         Brothers: Orville and Redenbacher, whose 
                         dreams and visions inspired generations.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          He's not gonna do it.

                                     CARTMAN
                         And now, again, one man's vision ushers 
                         in a new era of aerial travel, proving 
                         the power of imagination and intellect. 
                         The magic... of flight! 
 
               [Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Cartman is in a recovery room with 
               bruises on his face and a black left eye. The medical staff attends 
               him. Outside, Mrs. Cartman appears and rushes in to see Cartman]
 
               
                                     LIANE
                         Oh my God! Eric! Eric,  Mommy's here. 
                         Sweetie?  Oh what's wrong with him?
 
                         
                                     DR. KELS
                         I'm afraid that your son is... incredibly 
                         stupid. He thought he could fly with 
                         cardboard wings. The stupidity is so 
                         severe that it caused a fall, which 
                         has... put him into a deep coma.
 
                                     LIANE
                         Coma... My God, for- for how long?
 
                         
                                     DR. KELS
                         There's no telling. He may never recover. 
                         We'll just have to wait. And see. 
 
                         
               [Hell's Pass, some time later. The camera pans down back onto 
               Cartman, who is now covered in facial hair and a bandage around 
               his head.]
 
                                     SINGERS
                         Seasons change, time passes by.

               As the weeks become the months become the years.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Eugh... 

                                     LIANE
                          Oh my... Doctor!  He's awake! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Wheh? Where am I?

                                     LIANE
                         Oh, you've finally come back! It's a 
                         miracle!
 
                                     DR. KELS
                         You're at the hospital, Eric. You've... 
                         been in a coma for some time.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Coma... How long?

                                     DR. KELS
                         It's been two days. Nurse, you can remove 
                         his face-warmer now.
 
                                     NURSE
                         Yse, Doctor. 

                                     DR. KELS
                         Now, Eric, you've suffered massive head 
                         traume. Your road to recovery will be 
                         long and arduous. At least another two 
                         days. 
 
                                     SINGERS
                         Seasons change, time passes by.

               As the weeks become the months become the years.

                                     LIANE
                         You're doing so much better, muffin.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Why the hell do I have to share my room 
                         with other patients? This is bullcrap!
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                         Oh, you're sounding just like your old 
                         self again.
 
                                     DR. KELS
                          I'm sorry, detectives, there was nothing 
                         we could do.
 
                                     DETECTIVE
                         Damnit! Another murder victim! For three 
                         years the Left-Hand killer has been 
                         at large and I've exhausted every lead! 
                         Maybe... I just don't have what it takes 
                         to be a cop anymore.
 
                                     MURPHY
                         We'd better get back to the station, 
                         sir.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Good, because you assholes have kept 
                         me up for three hours!
 
                                     DETECTIVE
                         All right, let's go, Murphy. Hang on 
                         a second, where are, where are my car 
                         keys?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Probably in your front pocket, dumbass!
 
                         
                                     DETECTIVE
                          Doctor, didn't you say that kid suffereed 
                         head trauma?
 
                                     DR. KELS
                         Yes, it was pretty severe.

                                     MURPHY
                         What is it, Lou?

                                     LOU
                         I've... heard cases where people suffering 
                         head trauma awaken to some psychic abilities.
 
                         
                                     MURPHY
                         Aw, come on, sir.

                                     LOU
                         I know it's ridiculous , but I'm gonna 
                         explore every possibility I can.  Hello, 
                         young man, could we have a quick word 
                         with you?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Not now! The nurse is gonna walk in 
                         any minute with my lunch.
 
                                     NURSE 2
                         Twelve-thirty, Eric. Lunch time. 

                                     LOU
                         Young man, how did you know the nurse 
                         was gonna walk in just now?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't know, I just knew it.  Aww man, 
                         this smells like meatloaf. Again?!
 
                         
                                     NURSE 2
                         Yep, meatload again. 

                                     MURPHY
                         Jesus, how did he...?

                                     LOU
                         Little boy...  Well it's a snowball's 
                         chance in hell but...  we were wondering 
                         if you could come down and see if your... 
                         new powers could help us catch the killer.
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                         His new... powers?

               [Stark's Pond, newly restored from the demolished Wall*Mart, 
               much bigger than it was before, night. A crime scene at the docks 
               is shown, complete with boat floating around]
 
                                     FEMALE DETECTIVE
                         All right, make sure you get pictures 
                         of everything in this crime scene. 
 
                         
                                     OFFICER 1
                         Who's the kid?

                                     OFFICER 2
                         He's supposed to be some kind of psychic.
 
                         
                                     OFFICER 1
                         Aw Christ.

                                     LOU
                          This is... where the body was found. 
                          Multiple stab wounds, just like all 
                         the others.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         How come the outline is missing its 
                         hand?
 
                                     MURPHY
                         The killer always cuts off the left 
                         hand of his victim, and keeps it as 
                         a trophy. 
 
                                     LOU
                         Stand back, give him room!  Come on, 
                         kid, concentrate! What do you see in 
                         your mind?
 
               [Cartman begins to concentrate and his eyes begin to twitch. 
               First he sees a muffing with chocolate topping and sprinkles, 
               then powdered doughnuts, then a cup of vanilla ice cream - with 
               sprinkles being added]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ice cream. Covered with... chocolate 
                         sprinkles...  Double-Stuff Oreos... 
                          He ... He's taking the top of one and... 
                          ...and he puts it together to make 
                         Quadruple-Stuffs!  I see...ice cream, 
                         and sprinkles, and Quadruple-Stuffs!
 
                         
                                     LOU
                         Jesus Christ!

                                     MURPHY
                         Sir?

                                     LOU
                         Tom Johannsen, the owner of the ice 
                         cream shop!
 
               [Mr. Johansen's house, night. The detectives ring his doorbell 
               and he answers]
 
                                     MR. JOHANSEN
                         Yes? Oh, hello, detectives.

                                     LOU
                         Mr. Johansen, could we have a quick 
                         word with you?
 
                                     MR. JOHANSEN
                         Wuhsure, come on in.  I'm afraid the 
                         house is a little bit of a disaster 
                         area since I have
 
                                     LOU
                         Get him!  Code 6! Code 6!

                                     OFFICER 3
                         Use the taser! Use the taser! 

                                     OFFICER 4
                         Do it again! 

               [Mr. Johansen's house outside, front. Police cars and vans have 
               gathered outside and the siren lights are still rotating]
 
                                     OFFICER 5
                         He put up a hell of a fight, but we 
                         got him!
 
                                     MR. JOHANSEN
                         Why? Why?? 

                                     LOU
                         Congratulations, Eric. You just stopped 
                         the biggest killer in South Park history.
 
                         
                                     MURPHY
                         We would give you a reward, but I guess 
                         that knowing the people of South Park 
                         are safe again is reward enough.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Guess again.

                                     MURPHY
                          All right, here's a hundred dollars.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Wow!

                                     LOU
                          His powers are uncanny. Take good care 
                         of him, Ms. Cartman. Make sure he uses 
                         his powers for good.
 
                                     LIANE
                         Oh he will. My little poopsiekins is 
                         a very good little boy.
 
               [South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings. Cartman runs 
               down the hall dressed in a bath robe and using a cane]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm a psychic and you are worse. I have 
                         super-awesome powers. You don't.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Cartman, what did you do?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, didn't you hear, Kyle? I used my 
                         new psychic abilities to catch the serial 
                         killer. And I made a hundred bucks! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Nice old Mr. Johansen runs a candy shop! 
                         He wasn't a killer and you know it!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Then why did I see ice cream and cookies 
                         when I closed my eyes?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Because you're a fucking fatass, that's 
                         why?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Do not doubt my powers, Kyle!

                                     KYLE
                         You don't have any powers!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Don't make me do it, Kyle! I can make 
                         your head explode with a single thoght!
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Wuh be careful, Kyle.

                                     KYLE
                         He can't do crap!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Fine, Kyle! You asked for it! Hee-at! 
                         
 
                                     LOU
                         There he is! Hey, Eric!  We've got a 
                         little problem.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What?

                                     LOU
                         While the ice-cream store owner was 
                         in jail, another murder was commited.
 
                         
                                     MURPHY
                         This body also had a missing hand and 
                         a bowl of corn flakes next to it!
 
                         
                                     LOU
                         Which can only mean one thing!

                                     KYLE
                         Ha! You see?!

                                     LOU
                         That a copycat killer is on the loose! 
                         We need your psychic abilities to catch 
                         this new guy right away!
 
                                     KYLE
                         What?!

                                     MURPHY
                         We'll pay you up front this time! We've 
                         gotta catch this new guy before he kills 
                         again.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm afraid that my powers... are not 
                         for sale. ...And by that I mean they 
                         absolutely are for sale. Let's go!
 
                         
               [Field report]

                                     REPORTER
                         Tom, I'm standing in a meadow just outside 
                         of town where police have discovered 
                         the first victim of the serial copycat 
                         killer. Child wunderkind Eric Cartman 
                         is now arriving on the scene. 
 
               [The crime scene]

                                     KYLE
                         This is fuckin' ridiculous!

                                     LOU
                         Whattaya got, wunderkind? Are ya seeing 
                         anything?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No. Nothing.

                                     OFFICER 6
                         Maybe his powers have left him.

                                     OFFICER 7
                         Yeah.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Wait a minute.  Fried chicken. It's 
                         tender and it's fresh.  There's maple 
                         syrup... Maple syrup's being put on 
                         the chicken.
 
                                     KYLE
                         What the hell is wrong with these people?!
 
                         
                                     WEIRD MAN
                          They're never gonna catch the serial 
                         killer. He's too smart. Do you want 
                         to see my cotton panties? 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey! What about this guy?!

                                     MURPHY
                         Quiet! He's havin' a vision!

                                     CARTMAN
                         It is fried chicken!  Oh my God. It's 
                         a fried chicken sundae.
 
                                     WEIRD MAN
                          "Junior, what are you doing out?" I'm 
                         sorry, Mother. "You come home rigtht 
                         now and have sex with me!" No, Mommy! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey, uh, does anyone know who that guy 
                         is?!
 
                                     LOU
                         I said quiet, you little brat, or I'll 
                         have you arrested for interfering with 
                         the law!
 
               [The News 4 logo and screen come up on a TV]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         This is Park County News 4, with your 
                         host, Jim Brown-ish
 
                                     JIM BROWN
                         The copycat killer of the cut-off-the-left-hand 
                         killer has been arrested. Police used 
                         the help of Eric Cartman, a wunderkind 
                         psychic detective. At the crime scene, 
                         the young psychic had visions flash 
                         before his mind, and the police immiedately 
                         arrested the owner of Kentucky Fried 
                         Chicken. The young man's visions were 
                         so astounding that other police departments 
                         have sought out his help.
 
               [Cartman's house, day. He's in his room counting the money he's 
               made from his psychic work]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         If I'm happy and I know it, clap my 
                         hands. *clap* *clap* If I'm happy and 
                         I know it, clap my hands. *clap* *clap* 
                         
 
                                     LIANE
                         Eric, sweetie, there's um, some people 
                         here to see you.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         More people need to make use of my phenomenal 
                         gifts, huh? Ahhh, it's so very tiring.
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                         Ah, no, these people claim that they 
                         are the "real" psychic detectives. 
 
                         
               [Living room, moments later. Liane and Cartman enter]

                                     FEMALE PSYCHIC 1
                         So, you are the little boy who's been 
                         taking all our work?!
 
                                     LIANE
                         Oooh, I'll go make some tea.

                                     MALE PSYCHIC 1
                         Kid, we have a problem. You didn't go 
                         through the proper channels to become 
                         a psychic detective like we all did.
 
                         
                                     OTHER PSYCHICS
                         Yeah!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Proper channels?

                                     MALE PSYCHIC 2
                         You were supposed to fill out the form 
                         on the back of the comic book and pay 
                         the twenty five dollar fee for the degree 
                         from the Psychic Detective School. 
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I was given my gift from a tragic accident. 
                         I didn't need to go to Psychic Detective 
                         School.
 
                                     MALE PSYCHIC 1
                         Well you just can't say you're a psychic 
                         detective, you have to use the ad in 
                         the comic book!
 
                                     FEMALE PSYCHIC 1
                         You must pay the twenty five dollar 
                         fee and give us ten percent of yoru 
                         earnings!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Ten percent my balls, get lost!

                                     FEMALE PSYCHIC 1
                         Very well, then you give us no choice. 
                         Roger?
 
               [Roger steps out from behind the sofa and prepares to battle 
               Cartman psychically. Cartman simply observes, then responds. 
               He and Roger battle with sound effects and hand gestures]
 
                                     FEMALE PSYCHIC 1
                         All right everyone! 

                                     LIANE
                         Oh, poopsies, what's going on?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Stand back, mother! We're having a telekinetic 
                         battle of minds!
 
                                     LIANE
                         O-o-o-o-o-oh! 

                                     FEMALE PSYCHIC 1
                         Enough!  We are ...obviously quite evenly 
                         matched. I guess this will have to be 
                         settled in court.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         In court?

                                     FEMALE PSYCHIC 1
                         We brought a class-action lawsuit against 
                         you! We'll see you before the judge 
                         tomorrow! 
 
                                     LIANE
                         Is it over? 

               [A camera shutter is heard and a picture of Ms. Crabtree appears, 
               with blood next to her left cheek. It looks like someone shot 
               her through the side of the head and her left hand is missing. 
               A detectuve continues taking pictures]
 
                                     MURPHY
                          Her name is... Veronica Crabtree, busdriver 
                         for the elementary school. She was considered 
                         an ancillary character, one the fans 
                         wouldn't miss much.
 
                                     LOU
                         Jesus Christ! Cause of death?

                                     MURPHY
                         Same MO, sir. Multiple stab wounds, 
                         left hand cut off and missing.
 
                                     LOU
                         So you're telling me somebody new is 
                         now copying the crimes of the copycat 
                         killer?! Jesus! Where will it end?! 
                          Every time I put a killer behind bars, 
                         another guy just steps in and takes 
                         his place! What am I doing wrong?!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          Excuse me, sir? I think I know who 
                         did this. We saw this guy at the last 
                         crime scene, and, and you know how serial 
                         killers sometimes return to the scene 
                         of the crime? Well, I followed this 
                         guy to his house, and when he left again, 
                         I collected some fingerprints and did 
                         a blood-sample analysis.  I'm pretty 
                         sure he's your man.
 
                                     LOU
                          How do you know?? Are you psychic??
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         No.

                                     LOU
                         Look, kid, don't waste my time with 
                         your blood-sampling fingerprinty hocus-pocus! 
                         I have to find this new killer now! 
                         I owe it to that victim over there! 
                         I know she hadn't been in any recent 
                         episodes, but DAMNIT she deserved better 
                         than this! Come on, Murph, we've gotta 
                         talk to Eric Cartman again! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Why won't anybody listen to me?!

                                     KENNY
                          (Don't take it personally, Kyle)

                                     KYLE
                          I AM taking it personally because Cartman 
                         is a retard! Just because he hit his 
                         head and went into a coma doesn't mean 
                         he's a- Wait, that's it. If I want people 
                         to listen to me, I just have to be as 
                         stupid as Cartman.
 
               [Kyle's house, later. Kyle is standing at the edge of the roof 
               at the side of his house, sporting his own cardboard wings]
 
               
                                     STAN
                         Dude, I really don't think that's a 
                         good idea!
 
                                     TOKEN
                         There has to be another way!

                                     KYLE
                         Be sure to take me to the same hospital!
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Now Kyle, don't fly too close to the 
                         sun, or it'll burn your wings, an- and 
                         you'll crash into the ocean.
 
                                     STAN
                          Butters, Goddamnit.

                                     KYLE
                         All right, here we go.  Since the days 
                         of Copernicus, man has dreamed of flight. 
                         On this historic day we rerme- aw screw 
                         it! 
 
                                     STAN
                          Call an ambulance.

               [Channel 4 News. A picture of handcuffs is shown, with "ARRESTS 
               MADE" above it]
 
                                     JIM BROWN
                         Multiple arrests were made today for 
                         the murder of Hillary Neals. Police 
                         raided the South Park Motel 6 at 4 a.m., 
                         where seven psychic detectives were 
                         staying.  The psychic detectives' horrible 
                         crime was found out by psychic detective 
                         Eric Cartman , who is now the only psychic 
                         not behind bars. What an amazing coincidence.
 
                         
               [Cartman watches the news from the sofa in the living room at 
               his house]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Cool.  Ah, Kyle is at the door. Come 
                         in, Kyle!  Who are you?
 
                                     WEIRD MAN
                         You, you give everyone else credit for 
                         my work, because you fail to see my 
                         greatness.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         ... 'K. Sweet.

                                     WEIRD MAN
                         Because of you, nobody knows the extent 
                         of my deeds.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh yeah. Awesome. Hold on, just a second. 
                          Mom, there's some homeless guy here. 
                         Make him go away. 
 
               [Next scene is an unknown place. Cartman is strapped down to 
               a wheelchair. He awakens and struggles a bit]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey. Hey, what's goin' on??

                                     WEIRD MAN
                         You are obviously a big fan of my work.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't even know you dude!

                                     WEIRD MAN
                         But I am the serial killer! The one 
                         whose rightful place in history you 
                         have smirched!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh Jesus.

                                     WEIRD MAN
                         And now you will have a place of honor, 
                         as my nineteenth victim.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No! No, you don't wanna kill me. Please, 
                         I'll give you anything you want!
 
                                     WEIRD MAN
                         Before you die, let me show you the 
                         things that I've done, so you will understand 
                         the breadth of my transformation!  This... 
                         is me at the grand canyon.  Do you see? 
                         This is me at Mount Rushmore  Do you 
                         see?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Heheh.

                                     WEIRD MAN
                         Do you see??

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes yes, I see! 

                                     WEIRD MAN
                         Here I am at the Alamo in San Antonio. 
                          This was just outside of the gift shop. 
                         Do you see??
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         AAAAAAAH!

               [Park County Police Station, night]

                                     LOU
                          Damnit! Damnit all to hell! They just 
                         found another body! That means a fifth 
                         copycat killer is on the loose! Where's 
                         my psychic?!
 
                                     FEMALE DETECTIVE
                         Sorry, Sarge, the psychic's mom says 
                         her son hasn't been home for a couple 
                         of hours.
 
                                     OFFICER 8
                         Sir! Dr. Kels just called from the hospital! 
                         He says another little boy just awoke 
                         from a coma, and is having psychic visions!
 
                         
                                     SGT. LOU
                          Let's go! 

               [Hell's Pass Hospital, later. Dr. Kels leads them into the recovery 
               room]
 
                                     DR. KELS
                         This is the young man here. He was in 
                         a coma for over sixteen hours. 
 
                                     SGT. LOU
                         Doctor, could you remove his face warmer? 
                         We'd like to speak with him.
 
                                     DR. KELS
                         Of course. Nurse? 

                                     SGT. LOU
                         Young man, the doctor said you've had 
                         some... visions about our newest murder?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         I see... a man... with a baseball cap. 
                          He's killing now... Oh! I'm seeing 
                         it all flash before my eyes! The guy's 
                         name is Michael Deets, and he lives 
                         at 621 Castillo Street. He's usually 
                         there between seven and eleven p.m.
 
                         
                                     SGT. LOU
                         What do you think, Mitch?

                                     MURPHY
                         I don't know. How do we know this kid 
                         is really psychic? I mean, this boy 
                         is certainly no Eric Cartman. 
 
                                     SGT. LOU
                         All right, we'll check this Deets guy 
                         out. But let's use that one thing that 
                         we never use.
 
                                     MURPHY
                         ...Sir?

                                     SGT. LOU
                         You know, what's that one thing that 
                         starts with an R that we never use?
 
                         
                                     MURPHY
                         ...Restraint?

                                     SGT. LOU
                         Yeah yeah, restraint. We'll check this 
                         guy out, but let's use some restraint. 
                         
 
               [Mr. Deets' basement. He's still showing Cartman his slides]
 
               
                                     MR. DEETS
                         Look! Look at the things I've done! 
                         Here I am at Yellowstone National Park! 
                          Do you see?! Here are pictures of my 
                         trip to Cheyenne for Frontier Days. 
                         Do you see?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh my God! I'm so bored! Somebody help 
                         me! 
 
                                     SGT. LOU
                         Good evening, sir. We're Park County 
                         detectives. We were just wondering if 
                         we could take a quick look around your 
                         house, Misterrr...
 
                                     MR. DEETS
                         God.

                                     SGT. LOU
                         Well Mr. God, it won't take but a second; 
                         it might help us with an investigation. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         (Hey! Come over here!)

                                     SGT. LOU
                         I see you like cutting the eyes out 
                         of photos of women. My son is a big 
                         fan of that too.
 
                                     MURPHY
                         Sarge! In here! 

                                     SGT. LOU
                         Jesus H.... That boy was right! Arrest 
                         that guy!  Whoawhoawaitwaitheywait wait 
                         yo! Oh wait a minute, no ah, I'm wrong.
 
                         
                                     MURPHY
                         Sir?

                                     SGT. LOU
                         This isn't the guy. The serial killer 
                         always cuts off the victims' left hands.
 
                         
                                     MURPHY
                         Right.

                                     SGT. LOU
                         Well those aren't left hands.  See, 
                         on your left hand, the thumb faces to 
                         the left. Those are all right hands.
 
                         
                                     MURPHY
                         Ohhh. 

                                     SGT. LOU
                         Nope, this isn't our man.  We're sorry, 
                         Mr. God. It appears we've wasted your 
                         time. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          (Hey! Get me out of here!) 

                                     MURPHY
                         Heh, pretty amazing coincidence that 
                         guy had a bunch of hands on his wall. 
                         Heh, no wonder that boy thought he was 
                         a killer.
 
                                     SGT. LOU
                          Yeah... Amazing coincidence...

                                     MURPHY
                          Heh- sir?

                                     SGT. LOU
                         Call it police intuition, but sonethin' 
                         in there just didn't feel right.  Wait 
                         a minute.
 
                                     MURPHY
                         Sarge...  What is it?

                                     SGT. LOU
                         I'm not sure. I'm gonna have to run 
                         some tests. 
 
               [Park County Police Station, night. Montage. Lou types away at 
               his computer, then analyzes his left hand again, then returns 
               to the keyboard. He then goes to the lab and looks over his notes. 
               Next to him are two hands, one right and one left. He rotates 
               the right hand so both thumbs point to the left, from his POV, 
               then takes more notes. He develops some pictures in the darkroom 
               and finds matching hands. He works with a 3D model drawing with 
               another computer, then traces his left hand on a wall and takes 
               measurements. He returns to the lab and works with some chemicals. 
               Next he chops some firewood into smaller chunks. Next he's at 
               a gym jumping rope. Next he's at a beach far from South Park 
               playing volleyball with some women. Next he's repairing the body 
               of a car with a welding torch...]
 
                                     SGT. LOU
                          Murphy, do you remember what I was 
                         supposed to be doing?
 
                                     MURPHY
                         Oh. Uhhh... Oh. Something about hands, 
                         sir? Uh for the serial killer?
 
                                     SGT. LOU
                          Oh right! The hands! Right! 

               [Again he goes to his computer and types awaym then he's back 
               at the lab taking pictures of the two fake hands there, then 
               makes silhouettes of a dog, then models another hand in the computer 
               and gets a match]
 
                                     SGT. LOU
                         Oh my God. Murphy!  You're not gonna 
                         believe this.
 
               [Mr. Deets' house, basement. Mr. Deets has resumed showing his 
               pictures to Cartman. A picture of him at Ocean World's Splash 
               Zone is shown, then a blank. He turns the projector off]
 
                                     MR. DEETS
                         That's it, no more pictures.  Time to 
                         die.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No, please! I'm sorry I gave other people 
                         credit for your killings. Ahah, it was, 
                         it was very wrong for me to lie about 
                         the other psychics and get them arrested.
 
                         
                                     MR. DEETS
                         Your hand will be one with the others.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Please just let me go! Ah I'm gonna 
                         tell everyone I'm not really psychic! 
                         I've learned my lesson! Please, I don't 
                         wanna-  I don't wanna have to use my 
                         psychic mind missile on you! 
 
                                     SGT. LOU
                         Hold it right there, killer! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         You got here just in time. He was gonna 
                         kill me because he was insanely jealous 
                         of my incredible psychic ability.
 
                         
               [Hell's Pass Hospital, day. The detectives, the psychics, Cartman, 
               Stan, and Kenny]
 
                                     SGT. LOU
                         Well young man, you did an amazing thing. 
                         Not only did your psychic visions help 
                         us catch the killer, but a lot of innocent 
                         people are out of jail.
 
                                     MALE PSYCHIC 3
                         Yes, thank you very much, Kyle.

                                     FEMALE PSYCHIC
                         Yes, thanks.

                                     MURPHY
                         You're certainly a better psychic then 
                         Eric.
 
                                     KYLE
                         No, don't you see? Cartman never had 
                         psychic visions. And neither do these 
                         people. The plain simple truth is that 
                         nobody is psychic. There's a logical 
                         explanation for every psychic story 
                         you've ever heard.
 
                                     MURPHY
                         Do you think that's true?

                                     SGT. LOU
                         It must be true. The kid is psychic. 
                          But I don't suppose it really matters 
                         much. Because in the end, the way I 
                         caught the killer was with... good old-fashioned 
                         police work. Come on, Murphy. 
 
                                     FEMALE PSYCHIC
                          Well young man, I guess that just leaves 
                         one score to settle.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You can't hurt me.

                                     MALE PSYCHIC 1
                         Then let this be our final battle! 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          Just stop it!  Stoopp iitt!!  There's 
                         a logical explanation for that.
 
               THE END

Cartman's Incredible Gift



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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