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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 402


                           "CARTMAN'S SILLY HATE CRIME 2000"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [South Park Elementary, Monday during the day. The kids are out 
               on the playground. The camera pans to the right, showing kids 
               on the hobby elephants, the swings, and the jungle gym. It rests 
               on Butters holding a starting flag.]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Wuh-okay! You guys ready up there!?
 
                         
               Sledders	[three teams of four boys apiece] Ready!

                                     BUTTERS
                         On your marks! Get set! Uh-go! 

                                     STAN
                         We win again! 

                                     TOKEN
                         That's not fair! Cartman's ass is so 
                         fat he makes your sled go faster!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ey! Don't call me fat, Token!

                                     GIRL IN PINK
                         We want to use the sleds now, butt pirates!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Sleds are for guys.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah! Why don't you chicks go wash some 
                         dishes or get pregnant or something?!
 
                         
                                     GIRL IN PINK
                         These are the school's sleds, ass rammers, 
                         not yours!
 
                                     STAN
                         Look, girls don't even know how to sled. 
                         Do something else.
 
                                     THE REST OF THE BOYS
                         Yeah!

                                     GIRL IN PINK
                         I bet we can sled ten times better than 
                         you, doughnut punchers!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh yeah?!

                                     THE GIRLS
                         Yeah!

                                     CARTMAN
                         We'd kick your girlie ass in sledding!
 
                         
                                     GIRL IN PINK
                         How about a race down a real hill, then?!
 
                         
                                     THE GIRLS
                         Yeah!

                                     STAN
                         You got it!

                                     THE REST OF THE BOYS
                         Yeah!

                                     A FEW OTHERS
                         Yeah!

                                     GIRL IN PINK
                         Your best four sledders agains our best 
                         four sledders!
 
                                     STAN
                         Noo problem!

                                     GIRL IN PINK
                         Then we'll see you this Saturday on 
                         Phil Collins Hill!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Phil Collins Hill on Saturday! You got 
                         it!
 
                                     GIRL IN PINK
                         See you there! And may the best woman 
                         win, turd burglars!
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh, boy! We'll show them!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeah. Oo-oo-why, us men will show those 
                         skanky hos who's who!
 
                                     CLYDE
                         Yeah. Those girls don't realize what 
                         good sledders Stan, Kyle, and Kenny 
                         are.
 
                                     TOKEN
                         Yeah! And with Cartman's enormously 
                         fat ass, the boys are sure to win!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Token, I swear to God, if you call me 
                         fat one more time  I'm gonna smack you 
                         on the head with this rock! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Fatass.

                                     CARTMAN
                         There! 

                                     TOKEN
                         Oh! 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Heh. Huh. Uh-oh.

               [Mr. Mackey's office, some time later. Eric and Token are seated 
               inside. Token's right arm is in a sling and his right eye is 
               blackened]
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         And what you need to understand is that 
                         this is not appropriate behavior, young 
                         man! M'kay?
 
                                     LIANE
                         Eric, don't you realize you could've 
                         seriously injured your little friend?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          I'm sorry, Mom.

                                     LIANE
                         Don't apologize to us, apologize to 
                         him!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          I'm sorry, Token.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Well, I hope you learned that throwing 
                         rocks is bayad, Eric.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, I sure do, Mr. Mackey. I mean, I 
                         feel really bad, uhh. What was I thinking? 
                          The only thing I can do now... is try 
                         to go on and live day by day.  See ya 
                         later.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          Not this time, Eric! You've got to 
                         learn to respect your lttle friends! 
                         You're gonna have detention for two 
                         weeks!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No way!

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Yes way! M'kay, and that settles it! 
                         Now, let's all go- 
 
                                     MAN 1
                         Counselor Mackey?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Yes?

                                     MAN 1
                         I'm Agent Sharp and this is Agent Keen. 
                         We're with  the FBI.
 
                                     AGENT KEEN
                         We're here to investigate the rock-throwing 
                         incident.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Nn-um. m'kay, uh, I've already taken 
                         care of it; Eric Cartman here is gonna 
                         be punished with two weeks of detention.
 
                         
                                     AGENT SHARP
                         I'm afraid it's a bit more complicated 
                         than that, Mr. School Counselor.You 
                         see, since the victim in this case is 
                         African-American, this is considered 
                          a hate crime.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         ...What the hell is a hate crime?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Uh, oh, but I don't think this is a 
                         ruh-
 
                                     AGENT KEEN
                         New laws have been passed that make 
                         any crime based on race, ethnicity, 
                         or sexual orientation a federal offense.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         What? A federal offense?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Oh no.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh no??

                                     AGENT KEEN
                         We're sorry, Ms. Cartman, but we must 
                         follow protocol.  Your son will be taken 
                         into custody and then tried in a federal 
                         court of law. 
 
                                     LIANE
                         Oh my goodness.

               [Trial TV, Tuesday. The letters fly into place over blind Justice 
               holding the scales]
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         The hate crime trial of the century 
                         is underway  on Court TV tracks U van. 
                         . Live. Here's your host, Leslie Smith.
 
                         
                                     LESLIE
                         What turns a normal, fat little eight-year-old 
                         boy into a vicious, hate-crime-commiting 
                         racist? We take you live to the courtroom 
                          as the defendant takes the stand.
 
                         
               [The courtroom. The prosecutor grills Cartman]

                                     PROSECUTOR
                         Mr. Cartman, do you know a boy by the 
                         name of "Token?"
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh, yes?

                                     PROSECUTOR
                         Who is Token?

                                     CARTMAN
                         He's a black kid that goes to my school?
 
                         
                                     PROSECUTOR
                         Black!  Did you say black?! You called 
                         him black?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         He is black.

                                     PROSECUTOR
                         O! He said it again!  He is African-American, 
                         and so you decided to pick him out!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I did?

                                     PROSECUTOR
                         The rage built and built inside your 
                         head until it became too much because 
                         you hate African-Americans!!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No! I hate hippies!

                                     PROSECUTOR
                         What?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I hate hippies! I mean, the way they 
                         always talk about "protectin' the earth" 
                         and then drive around in cars that get 
                         poor gas mileage and wear those stupid 
                         bracelets - I hate 'em! I wanna kick 
                         'em in the nuts!
 
                                     LIANE
                          Oo, poopiekins?

                                     PROSECUTOR
                         Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this 
                         is why we have hate-crime laws! This 
                         "monster" commited a crime—not against 
                         an individual, but against a race! Do 
                         the democratic thing and send his fat 
                         little butt to prison!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Ey! Don't call me fat, asshole!

                                     PROSECUTOR
                          The prosecution rests.

                                     GIRL IN PINK
                          Don't forget: we still have a sledding 
                         race this Saturday, pillow biters. 
 
                         
                                     STAN, KYLE
                         We know!

                                     STAN
                         Dude, this is horrible. We gotta get 
                         Cartman out of court so we can go practice.
 
                         
               [The courtroom, some time later. A verdict has been reached, 
               and the Judge announces it.]
 
                                     JUDGE
                         Eric Cartman, you have been found guilty 
                         of commiting a hate crime. For this, 
                         I hereby sentence you to the Alamosa 
                         Juvenile Hall, until you turn twen-ty 
                         one.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No!

                                     JUDGE
                         I am making an example of you, to send 
                         a message out to people everywhere: 
                         that if you want to hurt another human 
                         being, you'd better make damn sure they're 
                         the same color as you are!  Court is 
                         adjourned! 
 
                                     THE GIRLS
                          Woohoo! Hooray!

                                     JUDGE
                         Bailiffs, escort this little bastard 
                         to Juvenile Hall.
 
                                     BLACK BAILIFF
                         Yes, sir. 

                                     WHITE BAILIFF
                         Alright, you! ...Uh-uh-uh, where'd he 
                         go? 
 
               [Kenny's house. Cartman rushes up to it and pounds on the front 
               door. Kenny opens the door]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Kenny! Kenny, you have to get me out 
                         of town!
 
                                     KENNY
                         (What the fuck for?!)

                                     CARTMAN
                         They're gonna put me in jail for a hate 
                         crime! You have to take me to Mexico!
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Mexico?! Why the heck do I have to 
                         take you all the way to Mexico?!)
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Calm down, Kenny!

                                     KENNY
                         (Hey!)

                                     CARTMAN
                         Do you still have that battery-powered 
                         toy truck you got last Christmas?!
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Yyes)

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, come on! I don't have much time! 
                         
 
                                     [NEWS FLASH
                         "High Speed Chase"]

                                     ANCHOR
                         A car chase is evolving on the 285 corridor 
                         east of South Park! Hate-crime suspect 
                         Eric Cartman is trying to outrun federal 
                         prosecutors in his friend's Go-Go Action 
                         Bronco! Our Eye in the Sky Greg Nimins 
                         is there live. Greg?
 
                                     GREG NIMINS
                          Tom, it looks like the Go-Go Action 
                         Bronco is heading east on 285. Police 
                         officers are right behind him  but as 
                         with any chase, they're keeping a safe 
                         distance to avoid any accidents here 
                         out on the highway.  Tom, it looks like 
                         the fugitive is going to make a bold 
                         move off an exit off 285. He's going 
                         into a residential neighborhood now; 
                         this is where it could get dangerous, 
                         as there are pedestrians about.
 
               [In the Go-Go Action Bronco]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Damnit, Kenny! Can't this thing go any 
                         faster?!
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Why don'tcha keep your head down?!) 
                         
 
               [back to the report]

                                     GREG NIMINS
                         Tom, the police have set a roadblock 
                         right where the Go-Go Action Bronco 
                         is heading.  This could be the final 
                         stand-off.
 
                                     POLICEMAN 1
                          Alright, that's far enough. Stop the 
                         Go-Go Action Bronco and come out with 
                         your hands up.  Just bring it to a stop 
                         and come on out.  Jeezus, he's gonna 
                         ram it!  Crazy son of a bitch.
 
                                     [NEWS FLASH
                         Continuing coverage. Stan and Kyle watch 
                         the news flash at Stan's house]
 
                                     GREG NIMINS
                         Well, it's been over thirteen hours 
                         now, and still the car chase has not 
                         ended. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         What the hell are they doing?

                                     GREG NIMINS
                         The chase has now moved through most 
                         of Arizona and nears the Mexican border.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Dude, if Kenny takes Cartman to Mexico, 
                         how are we ever gonna win the sledding 
                         race on Saturday?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Don't worry, dude. That little truck 
                         just runs on D batteries. It's gonna 
                         run out of juice soon. 
 
               [The Arizona desert]

                                     CARTMAN
                         :	We're gonna make it, Kenny! We're 
                         gonna make it to Mexico!  Oh, God damnit! 
                         
 
               [Stan's house. The phone rings]

                                     STAN
                          Hello?

                                     GIRL IN PINK
                         Just a friendly reminder: Cartman's 
                         going to jail and you've got four days 
                         until the race, rump rangers!
 
                                     STAN
                         Son of a bitch!

               [A truck arrives at the main gates of a prison in the desert. 
               The gates part and the truck enters]
 
                                     DRIVER
                         Here we are, the end of the road. Alamosa 
                         Maximum Security Juvenile Hall.
 
               [A few moments later, and Cartman is in an orange prison suit 
               being admitted]
 
                                     WARDEN
                         Prisoner 24601, arriving.  Forward, 
                         prisoner! You will wake up each morning 
                         at 0500.  Lockdown is until 0900. At 
                         ten we begin random searches and checks 
                         for contraband.  At 11:30 we have naptime, 
                         followed by finger-painting. Your cellmate 
                         is Romper Stomper! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Huh-who's Romper Stomper?

                                     ROMPER STOMPER
                          I am!  And I don't want no new cellmate!
 
                         
                                     WARDERN
                          You don't have a choice, Stomper! Now, 
                         show this new prisoner the ropes!
 
                         
                                     ROMPER STOMPER
                         Oh, I will!  You bet your ass I will.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Alright, guys. It looks like Cartman's 
                         not gonna be able to sled with us for 
                         another... 13 years, so in the meantime 
                         we need someone to race with us against 
                         the girls on Saturday.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. Cartman's weight was what gave 
                         us speed, so we need to find the next-fattest 
                         kid besides Cartman. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Come on, who's the second-fattest kid 
                         in South Park?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         ...Uuhh, I think Clyde is the next-fattest 
                         uh-kid.
 
                                     CLYDE
                         Huh?

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. Okay, get over here, Clyde.

                                     CLYDE
                         I'm not fat.

                                     STAN
                         Deal with it, dude! Cartman's gone, 
                         so now you're the fat kid.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, fatss! Get your fat butt on the 
                         sled!
 
                                     CLYDE
                          Hey, I'm not fat, you guys. I'm just 
                         kind of big-boned.
 
                                     STAN
                         Dah, that's what they all say. Okay, 
                         ready? Go! 
 
                                     KYLE
                          Awwgh! Hey dude, we don't even have 
                         enough weight to move.
 
                                     GIRL IN PINK
                          See you Saturday, poo sniffers!

                                     STAN
                          Nice going, fat boy!

               [Alamosa Juvenile Hall. Some of the kids gather around Cartman.]
 
               
                                     ROMPER STOMPER
                         Well, well, well. Nwe fish. How about 
                         you come up with a reason why we don't 
                         break your arms?!
 
                                     INMATES
                         Yeah!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh... 'Cause I'm just like you guys. Uh-I'm 
                         one of you.
 
                                     ROMPER STOMPER
                         Oh yeah? The way I see it, there's two 
                         kinds of kids in the world: kids who 
                         like Animaniacs, and kids who don't 
                         like Animaniacs. You're either with 
                         us, or you're against us. So which are 
                         you?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, uh, well, personally, I... uhuhuhuh, 
                         I... don't like Animaniacs?
 
                                     ROMPER STOMPER
                          ...Neither do we

                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh, thank you, Jesus.  So we're friends 
                         now?
 
                                     ROMPER STOMPER
                         No! There's no friends in the Big House! 
                         You come in with nobody and you leave 
                         with nobody. We don't believe in "friends."
 
                         
                                     INMATES
                         Yeah!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, neither do I. Friends suck.

                                     ROMPER STOMPER
                         Now, go find me some cigarettes and 
                         I'll tell you how to bust out of here.
 
                         
               [Phil Collins Hill, second practice run. Kyle and Kenny add the 
               finishing touches to something on the sled]
 
                                     STAN
                         Okay, we've figured it out. To add more 
                         weight to the sled, we're gonna use 
                         these bricks , but we're gonna cover 
                         'em with kid's clothes so that the girls 
                         think it's another kid!
 
                                     PIP
                         Oh, that's a wonderful idea.

                                     CLYDE
                         So I don't get to be on the team now?
 
                         
                                     ALL THE BOYS
                         Shut up, fatass!

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, why don't you go eat some more 
                         pork rinds or something, you fat fuck?! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Come on, let's get it a try. 

                                     KENNY, STAN
                         Woopee!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah-

                                     STAN, KENNY, KYLE
                         Wo-o-o-o-oh! 

                                     STAN
                          Dude, bail! Bail! 

                                     KENNY
                         (Huh? Uh.)  (AAAAAA!)  (Ufff!)  (Ugh!)
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Ooh, my God, we killed Kenny.

                                     KYLE
                         We killed Kenny?

                                     STAN
                         We Killed Kenny. We're bastards. 

                                     KYLE
                         Well, that didn't work. What else can 
                         we try?
 
                                     STAN
                         Nothing else is gonna work.  We have 
                         to face the fact that without Cartman 
                         we're gonna lose to a bunch o' girls.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well, uh-I sure do hate to, uh, to see 
                         my gender tuh, lose to a bunch o' women!
 
                         
                                     PIP
                         This is a sad day for men everywhere.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         You know something, guys? I think we 
                         all took Cartman's ass for granted.
 
                         
                                     ALL THE BOYS
                         Yeup.

                                     KYLE
                         If only we had realized how special 
                         our time with his gigantic ass was.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well, all that time we didn't understand 
                         what a... unique and magical ass it was.
 
                         
                                     GIRL IN PINK
                          Woohoo. Great time, girls.  Oh, gee. 
                         Looks like you lost another sledder. 
                         Good luck on Saturday, doughnut punchers! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         That does it! We've got no other choice! 
                         We've got to bust Cartman out of jail!
 
                         
                                     SOME BOYS
                         Oh?

                                     OTHER BOYS
                          Huh?

                                     KYLE
                         How?

                                     STAN
                         I saw a movie once where they baked 
                         a cake and put a nail file inside of 
                         it.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Sweet! Let's go!

                                     THE GROUP
                         Hooray! Alright! Here we go!

                                     MOTHER 1
                         And have you been brushing your teeth?
 
                         
                                     BOY 1
                         Yes, Mommy.

                                     MOTHER 1
                         And not dropping your soap?

                                     BOY 1
                         Yes, Mommy.

                                     BOY 2
                         Hi, Mom.

                                     MOTHER 2
                         Young man, that is the fourth time you've 
                         been late for our visiting time; you 
                         are grounded.
 
                                     BOY 2
                         Grounded? On, no! Um, wait... 

                                     GUARD
                          Here you go, boys. Keep it short.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey you guys.

                                     KYLE
                          Hey, fatass. How's prison?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, it sucks balls. Whattaya think?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Cartman, why the hell did you have to 
                         commit a hate crime?! We're gonna lose 
                         to girls because of you!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah! So you gotta bust out of here. 
                          So we made you this cake.  There's 
                         a ailnay ilefay inside of it.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         A what?

                                     KYLE
                          An ailnay ilefay.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Wwhat's that?

                                     KYLE
                         Listen, aggotfay! An ailnay ilefay so 
                         you can eakbray out of isonpray!
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, you stupid umbassday!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'd love to eat a cake, you guys, but 
                         they don't let us take anything back 
                         to the cells from here
 
                                     KYLE
                         They on'tday?!  Why the ellhay otnay?! 
                         It ooktay ourfay ourshay to akebay this 
                         Od-damnedgay akecay, and ownay we're 
                         otallytay ewedscray!
 
                                     STAN
                         ...Yeah.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Look, that's not important right now! 
                         Did you guys bring the cigarettes?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Well, we got some cigarettes, but we 
                         don't think you should be smoking. Each 
                         year, over a million people die of smo-
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Just hand over the God-damned cigarettes!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Sshh! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Look, if you guys want me back to win 
                         the sledding race,  then I need those 
                         cigarettes.
 
                                     STAN
                         How are we supposed to give them to 
                         you?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Just pass them through these little 
                         drill holes here. That's what everybody 
                         does.
 
                                     STAN
                         But they're gonna search you on your 
                         way back to your cell.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I know. That's why I have to have them 
                         up my ass.  Shut up, you guys! It's 
                         not funny!
 
                                     STAN
                         Alright, here. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, okay... here... l'see...

                                     STAN
                         Wow. I really wish I hadn't sat here 
                         and watched that.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Me too.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, guys, eh... If you'll excuse me, 
                         I must be going now. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Don't fart on your way out; you might 
                         make little smoke signals. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hahah. Very funny, you guys, hahah. 
                         
 
               [Alamosa Juvenile Hall, outside the main gate. Stan and Kyle 
               exit and Stan sets the cake on the ground.]
 
                                     STAN
                         That sucks that we couldn't give him 
                         the nail file. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         So now what do we do?

                                     STAN
                         There's only one thing we can do. We 
                         have to go see Token and see if he'll 
                         forgive Cartman for hate-criming him. 
                         Come on, we're running out of time!
 
                         
               [Alamosa Juvenile Hall, Cartman's cell. He enters]

                                     ROMPER STOMPER
                          Well, did you get the cigarettes?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes. They are safely concealed in the 
                         depths of my ass.
 
                                     ROMPER STOMPER
                         Alright. Go sit on the toilet and poop 
                         them out. I'll keep an eye out for the 
                         guards. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Engh. Egh. Uuuh, stupid cigarettes. 
                          One.  Heh, two.  Come on! Uugh, come 
                         on, now! Come on, uuhhhgghh  yeahhh. 
                         Hoh. Phew.  Hoh. ...Oh, God-damnit! 
 
                         
                                     ROMPER STOMPER
                         You flushed them?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, you spend eight years takin' a 
                         crap and then flushin' the toilet; it 
                         sorta becomes a reflex! Please, just 
                         help me bust out of here.
 
                                     ROMPER STOMPER
                         No way, douche. I told you: I ain't 
                         your friend. If you want me to help 
                         you, you're gonna have to sneak something 
                         else in for me.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Son of a bitch!

               [South Park, Friday during the day. Stan and Kyle get off a bus 
               onto an affluent part of town]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, I didn't know Token lived so far 
                         away.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah. You know, they bus in people from 
                         different races to our school to promote 
                         cultural diversity.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. But isn't Token the only one?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah. 

                                     TOKEN'S MOTHER
                          Hello?

                                     STAN
                         Hi. Can Token come out and play?

                                     TOKEN'S MOTHER
                         Well, his head is still a little sore, 
                         but you can come in, if you like. 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Killer.

                                     STAN
                          Token, you don't wanna see us guys 
                         lose to girls tomorrow, do you?
 
                                     TOKEN
                         No.

                                     KYLE
                         Well then,  you've got to call the jail 
                         right now and tell them that you forgive 
                         Cartman for being a dumbass!
 
                                     TOKEN
                         Yeah.

                                     TOKEN'S FATHER
                         I'm afraid it's not that simple, boys.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         It's not?

                                     TOKEN'S FATHER
                         No. You see, the only person that can 
                         let Eric out of Juvenile Hall is the 
                         governor.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Damnit! Son of a bitch, damnit!  Oh, 
                         sorry.
 
                                     TOKEN'S FATHER
                         No, I'b, actually agree with you.

                                     KYLE
                         Huh?

                                     TOKEN'S FATHER
                         Yeah. I have a real problem.with hate-crime 
                         legislation. In fact, I'd love to see 
                         you kids go down and give the governor 
                         a piece of my mind.
 
                                     STAN
                         Well, why don't you tell the governor 
                         yourself?
 
                                     TOKEN'S FATHER
                         Oh, he wouldn't listen to me.

                                     KYLE
                         Why not?

                                     TOKEN'S FATHER
                         Because I'm black.

                                     STAN, KYLE
                         Oh.

                                     TOKEN'S FATHER
                         Sit down, boys. I'm gonna give you a 
                         little lesson about hate-crime laws. 
                         
 
               [Alamosa Juvenile Hall. Cartman is at the toilet pooping something 
               else. Romper is reading]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh, thank God! Oh, thank you, Jesus, 
                         uh! Hoh.  Here you go, God-damnit!
 
                         
                                     ROMPER STOMPER
                          Cool! My very own Tic-Tac-Throw game. 
                          Ew, it smells, man.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, what the hell do you expect, huh?! 
                         Now I got your stupid game; tell me 
                         how to break out of here!
 
                                     ROMPER STOMPER
                         You're not gonna break out of here! 
                         You're here 'til you're 21, douche!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         But you said-

                                     ROMPER STOMPER
                         I just wanted you to sneak stuff in 
                         for me. What? You actually think I give 
                         a crap about you?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I thought that-

                                     ROMPER STOMPER
                         Hneah. You'd better wise up to the way 
                         things work in the big house.  Hey guys! 
                         I gots me a new Tic-Tac-Throw  Yeah, 
                         it's a little ripe, but it's brand new, 
                         man! You can play it at recess.  Hey. 
                         Uh, what are you doing?  You... you can't 
                         cry in prison, man. They'll bust your 
                         head open. What's the matter with you?!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I want my Mo-omm 

                                     ROMPER STOMPER
                         Dude. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Mommy, I want my Mommy! 

                                     ROMPER STOMPER
                         Look, if it's that important to you, 
                         I'll bust you out of here.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You will?

                                     ROMPER STOMPER
                         Yeah. ...Yyeah, I will. Uh-but not because 
                         you're my friend. Only because... because 
                         I wanna bust out, too. Anh-anh, and 
                         see Disneyland.
 
               [The governor's office, day. An aide peeks in]

                                     AIDE
                         Governor, the Free Eric Cartman Now 
                         Committee is here to see you?
 
                                     GOVERNOR
                         Naw, not another committee. Send them 
                         in.  This is the Free Eric Cartman Now 
                         Committee?
 
                                     TOKEN
                         Yeah.

                                     GOVERNOR
                         Well, boys, what can I do for you?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Okay, go ahead and start.

                                     KYLE
                         I don't start, you start.

                                     STAN
                         Oh, uhyeah.  Hello, Mr. Governor, and 
                         thank you for taking the time to hear 
                         our presentation on hate-crime laws, 
                         entitled, "Hate Crime Laws: A Savage 
                         Hypocracy."  Yes, over the past few 
                         years our great country has been developing 
                         new hate crime laws.
 
                                     TOKEN
                          If somebody kills somebody, it's a 
                         crime. But if someone kills somebody 
                         of a different color, it's a hate crime.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         And we think that that is  a savage 
                         hypocracy, because all crimes are hate 
                         crimes. If a man beats another man because 
                         that man was sleeping with his wife, 
                         is that not a hate crime?
 
                                     STAN
                          If a person vandalizes a government 
                         building, is it not because of his hate 
                         for the government?
 
                                     TOKEN
                          And motivation for a crime shouldn't 
                         affect the sentencing.
 
                                     STAN
                          Mayor, it is time to stop splitting 
                         people into groups. All hate crimes 
                         do is support the idea that blacks are 
                         different from whites, that homosexuals 
                         need to be treated differently from 
                         non-homos, that we aren't the same.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          But instead, we should all be treated 
                         the same, with the same laws and the 
                         same punishments for the same crimes 
                         . For in that way Cartman can be freed 
                         from prison, and we  will have a chance 
                         to win the sledding race on Thursday.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         That is our presentation. An idea that 
                         we call...
 
                                     TOKEN
                          "Hate Crime Laws: A Savage Hypocracy." 
                         
 
                                     GOVERNOR
                         Hm. That made the most sense of any 
                         presentation I've heard in the last 
                         three years.
 
               [Outside Alamosa Juvenile Hall, Friday night. Alarms sound and 
               searchlights abound, indicating someone has broken out. Footsteps 
               are heard, and Cartman and Romper climb over a hill]
 
                                     ROMPER STOMPER
                         Hurry up! They're sending the dogs after 
                         us!  Mph. Oowww!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          What's the matter?

                                     ROMPER STOMPER
                          It's my leg! I think it's broken.  
                         You go on ahead without me.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Uhokay. 

                                     ROMPER STOMPER
                         Hey.  You're supposed to say, "I'm not 
                         going without you," or something.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh. Really?

                                     ROMPER STOMPER
                         Look, kid, you go on. You've got something 
                         to live out there. You've got friends.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah. I never really realized that until 
                         just now.
 
                                     ROMPER STOMPER
                         I sure would have liked to have seen 
                         Disneyland. Here. I want you to have 
                         these. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay. 

                                     ROMPER STOMPER
                         No! You're supposed to say, "I can't 
                         take these," or something, dumbass!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh. I can't take these. 

                                     ROMPER STOMPER
                         Take them. They'll bring you luck.  
                         Now go on. Get out of here. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Romper?

                                     ROMPER STOMPER
                         Yeah?

                                     CARTMAN
                         You... well... I know you don't think you've... 
                         ever been anybody's friend, but, well, 
                         you're a friend to me.
 
                                     GUARD
                          Alright, freeze! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         You'll never take us alive! We're going 
                         down together, pigs!
 
                                     GUARD
                         But you've been pardoned by the governor! 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          O ho ho, sweet. Later, dudes. 

               [Phil Collins Hill, Saturday. The sledders are at the top of 
               the run and other kids are at the finish line]
 
                                     GIRL IN PINK
                          Well, come on! Are we racing or not?!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Just wait. We got Cartman pardoned; 
                         he'll be here any second.
 
                                     KYLE
                         He's gotta show up. He's just got to.
 
                         
                                     GIRL IN PINK
                         Come on, my feet are getting cold, fudge 
                         packers!
 
                                     BEBE
                         Yeah. If you're too scared to race, 
                         just say so!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, I guess we've jsut got to try 
                         it without him.
 
                                     STAN
                         Alright, where's Clyde.

                                     CLYDE
                          Right here.

                                     STAN
                         Get on the sled, you fat piece of shit!
 
                         
                                     CLYDE
                         For the last time, I'm not fat, so stop 
                         calling me fat, God-damnit! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         On the sled, fatass!

                                     GIRL IN PINK
                         Okay, girls. Time to show the boys what 
                         we can do!
 
                                     OTHER GIRLS
                         Yeah!

                                     BUTTERS
                          Huh-okay. Uh-ready, uhset,-

                                     CARTMAN
                          You guys! 

                                     STAN
                         It's Cartman!

                                     BOY SLEDDERS
                         Hooray!

                                     CARTMAN
                         That's right! I'm back! 

                                     CLYDE
                         Oh, thank you! Thank you for coming 
                         back!  Thank you so much. Thank you.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         What the hell's wrong with Clyde?

                                     GIRL IN PINK
                         This is your last chance! Are we racing 
                         or not?!
 
                                     STAN
                         All right! Let's do this!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Okay. Everybody ready? On your marks.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I hope I can adjust to life outside 
                         of the big house.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh-get set. Go! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Been on the inside for so long, I don't 
                         rermember how to live on the outside.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Go, fatass!

                                     CARTMAN
                         When a man is stripped of his freedom, 
                         degraded in the ways that I was, it's-
 
                         
                                     TOKEN, KYLE, STAN
                         Go, fatass! 

                                     STAN
                         Come on! We've gotta catch up to them! 
                         
 
                                     GIRL IN PINK
                         We've got' em, girls!

                                     KYLE
                         Oh no! The girls are gonna win!

                                     KIDS AT FINISH LINE
                         Go! You can do it! Come on!

                                     STAN
                         We're not gonna make it! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey. 

                                     GIRL IN PINK
                         G'aaaaah! 

                                     BEAR
                         Rowr. {carries the girl in pink away]
 
                         
                                     BOY SLEDDERS
                          Hooray!

                                     STAN
                         We did it!

                                     GIRLS
                         Awww. 

                                     KYLE
                         We won! We won!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeah. Why, we sure-uh gave those skanky 
                         bitches what for!
 
                                     BOYS
                         Hooray!

                                     KYLE
                         It's good to have you back, Cartman.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah,. We're never gonna take you ass 
                         for granted ever again.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, and I'm not gonna take my friends 
                         for granted ever again.
 
                                     PIP
                         Let's all hear it for Cartman's big, 
                         fat ass!  Oh-ff. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Do British people count as an ethnicity 
                         for hate crimes?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Sweet.

               [Alamosa Juvenile Hall, later, Romper's cell. He is reading]
 
               
                                     GUARD
                         Hey! Romper Stomper! Get up!  You got 
                         a visitor! 
 
                                     ROMPER STOMPER
                         Eric!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, Romper Stomper.

                                     ROMPER STOMPER
                         Wow! I've never had a visitor before!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, that's not all. I snuck something 
                         in for you, too.
 
                                     ROMPER STOMPER
                         You did? 

                                     CARTMAN
                         You know how you told me you always 
                         wanted to see Disneyland?
 
                                     ROMPER STOMPER
                         Yeah. 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Yeah! That's the Pirates of the Caribbean. 
                         Ugh.
 
                                     ROMPER STOMPER
                         Whoa! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hegh. Oh! Here comes Space Mountain-oh-uugh. 
                          Ogh! Wait-
 
                                     ROMPER STOMPER
                         Oh, yeah!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Uh, what else?  Splash Mountain, that 
                         comes now-oh! 
 
                                     ROMPER STOMPER
                         Oh, the monorail!

               THE END

Cartman's Silly Hate Crime 2000



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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