The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb)


The web's largest
movie script resource!

Search IMSDb

Alphabetical
# A B C D E F G H
I J K L M N O P Q
R S T U V W X Y Z

Genre
Action Adventure Animation
Comedy Crime Drama
Family Fantasy Film-Noir
Horror Musical Mystery
Romance Sci-Fi Short
Thriller War Western

Sponsor

TV Transcripts
Futurama
Seinfeld
South Park
Stargate SG-1
Lost
The 4400

International
French scripts

Movie Software
DVD ripper software offer
Rip from DVD
Rip Blu-Ray

Latest Comments
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10
Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10
Batman Begins9/10
Collateral10/10
Jackie Brown8/10

Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS



                                       "SOUTH PARK"

                                       Episode 113

                             "Cartman's Mom Is A Dirty Slut"

                                        Written by

                              Trey Parker and David Goodman

                

                                          ACT I

               EXT. BUSSTOP - DAY

               Stan, Kyle and Kenny are waiting for the bus.

                                     STAN
                         Dude, the bus will be here any minute 
                         and Cartman didn't show up for school.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, this is like the third day in 
                         a row. I wonder what's wrong.

                                     KENNY
                         Mph rmph rm rmph rm.

               The boys all laugh.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah!

                                     STAN
                         Hey, maybe we should ditch school 
                         and go check on him.

               But just then, the school bus pulls up.

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         COME ON, WE'RE RUNNING LATE!!!

                                     STAN
                         We're not getting on, you fat, ugly 
                         bitch.

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

                                     STAN
                         I said 'We're not getting on, you 
                         fat ugly bitch'.

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         Oh, alright then.

               Ms. Crabtree closes the door and drives away.

                                     KYLE
                         Woa, dude!!

                                     STAN
                         I always wondered if that would work.

               EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE

               The boys walk up to Cartman's door and knock. Cartman's mother 
               answers.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Hello, boys!

                                     KYLE
                         Hi, we were wondering why fat ass -- 
                         I mean, Cartman -- hasn't been showing 
                         up for school.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Oh, he's just been feeling under the 
                         weather. Maybe you boys can cheer 
                         him up. He's in the back yard.

               The boys look at each other suspiciously.

                                     STAN
                         In the back yard?

               EXT. CARTMAN'S BACK YARD

               It's a nice little yard. Cartman is sitting at a small, 
               rectangular table covered with a white tablecloth. Cartman 
               is at the head of the table, serving tea with an adorable 
               little plastic tea set.

               Also seated at the table, are five of Cartman's stuffed 
               animals, one in each chair, and each with a little teacup 
               and saucer in front of them.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Would you like some more tea, Polly 
                         Prissy Pants?

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Polly voice)
                         Yes, Eric, I would love some tea, 
                         thank you.

                                     CARTMAN
                         You're very welcome, Polly 
                         Prissypants.

               Unbeknownst to Cartman, the boys sneak in from behind some 
               bushes. They can't believe what they see.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Would you like some tea, Clyde Frog?

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Frog voice)
                         Yes, please. Eric, why are you so 
                         cool?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, I don't know, Clyde Frog, I just 
                         am.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Polly voice)
                         You are so strong and smart, Eric. 
                         Everybody likes you.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Why thank you, Polly Prissypants, 
                         how nice of you.

               The boys stay hidden in the bushes.

                                     STAN
                         Dude, this is pretty fucked up right 
                         here.

                                     KENNY
                              (Laughing)
                         Mph rm rmph rm rm!

                                     KYLE
                         Come on! Let's go make fun of him!!

               Stan grabs Kyle, stopping him.

                                     STAN
                         No, dude... This looks really serious. 
                         I think we better get help.

                                     KYLE
                         Really?

               Cartman pours tea for a large, stuffed Panda.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Panda voice)
                         Wow, Eric, you are the coolest guy 
                         in the world. This is tremendous 
                         tea!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Why thank you, Peter Panda, It's a 
                         distinctive Earl Grey.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Polly voice)
                         Eric is the best!

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Frog voice)
                         Hooray for Eric!

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Panda voice)
                         Eric Kicks ass!

               EXT. COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY

               Establishing.

               INT. COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY

               The boys are gathered around the counselor's desk. Behind 
               them is a LARGE poster that reads 'FATHER & SON DAY IS 
               COMING'.

                                     KYLE
                         Mr. Mackey, something's really wrong 
                         with Cartman.

                                     COUNSELOR
                         Oh, well there's a news flash.

                                     STAN
                         No, no. We saw him having a tea party 
                         with his stuffed animals.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, he was doing their voices and 
                         pouring tea for them.

                                     COUNSELOR
                         Oh okay... Eric is obviously suffering 
                         from some kind of emotional distress, 
                         okay?

                                     KYLE
                         What do you mean?

                                     COUNSELOR
                         Have you boys noticed anything 
                         recently that troubled Eric?

                                     STAN
                         No.

               *Note - the poster should be very visible in this shot.

                                     COUNSELOR
                         Well, obviously something is bothering 
                         him, okay?

               Finally the Counselor looks up at the wall.

                                     COUNSELOR
                         Oh, of course!

               The counselor walks over, right in front of the poster, then 
               reaches past it and grabs a video camera.

                                     COUNSELOR
                         My video camera! Boys, if you could 
                         videotape Eric's behavior, then I 
                         can study him psychologically and 
                         find out what's wrong, okay?

                                     STAN
                         Is that legal?

                                     COUNSELOR
                         Oh, hell yes.

               EXT. CARTMAN'S BACK YARD

               Cartman is sitting at his cute little table.

                                     CARTMAN
                         My goodness that's a lovely dress 
                         you are wearing, Polly Prissypants.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Polly voice)
                         Oh, thank you, Eric, you are a perfect 
                         gentleman. And you are smart and 
                         cool.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Panda voice)
                         Yes, Eric, you are strong and smart 
                         and cool. Everybody likes you very 
                         much.

                                     CARTMAN
                         That' nice, Peter Panda...

               Meanwhile, the boys are in the distance, with the camcorder 
               on a tripod, trying hard not to laugh.

                                     STAN
                         Dude, this is gonna be the funniest 
                         tape ever made!

                                     KYLE
                         How much do you think Mr. Mackey 
                         needs?

                                     STAN
                         I dunno, just keep rolling.

               Cartman continues, unaware of the video camera.

                                     CARTMAN
                         More tea, Rumper Tumpskin?

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Tumpskin voice)
                         Yes, please, Eric. You are tough and 
                         handsome.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Thank you, Rumper Tumpskin. And what 
                         do you think about me, Clyde Frog?

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Frog voice)
                         I think you're a big, fat piece of 
                         crap.

               Cartman thinks for a minute.

                                     CARTMAN
                         HEY!!!

               EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

               The sun goes down in South Park. Passage of time.

               INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE

               Cartman and his mom are sitting at the dinner table.

               Kitty walks up and meows.

                                     CARTMAN
                         No, Kitty this is MY corned beef 
                         cabbage.

                                     KITTY
                         Meow.

                                     CARTMAN
                         No, kitty!! That's a BAD KITTY!!!

               Kitty hisses.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         How is your beefy roast, snookums?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Mom... Can I ask you a question?

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Sure, hon.

                                     CARTMAN
                         You know how my friend Stan has, 
                         like, a DAD?

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Uh-huh.

                                     CARTMAN
                         And my friend Kyle has a DAD... And 
                         my friend Kenny has a DAD?

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Yes...

               The two just sit there in silence for a LONG TIME.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Well what's your question, hon?

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Pissed)
                         GODDAMMIT!! Do I have a dad?!?!

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Oh...

                                     CARTMAN
                         I wanna know where I came from.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Oh... Hmmm... Well, you see, Eric, 
                         sometimes when a man and a woman are 
                         attracted to each other, they want 
                         to be... CLOSE to each other.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh-huh...

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         And, sometimes, the man puts his Hoo-
                         Hoo Dilly in the woman's Cha-Cha.

               Cartman tries to understand.

                                     CARTMAN
                         So, WHO put his Hoo-Hoo Dilly in 
                         your Cha-Cha?

               Cartman's mother thinks.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Eric, the day I met your father, it 
                         was like magic... It was a beautiful 
                         autumn night, when the aspen trees 
                         were turning; At the twelfth annual 
                         drunken barn dance...

               EXT. LARGE BARN - NIGHT - 8 YEARS AGO

               A large barn with a banner that reads 'Twelfth Annual Drunken 
               Barn Dance'.

               From inside, music, screaming, laughing and crashing can be 
               heard.

               INT. LARGE BARN - NIGHT

               Inside the barn is absolute chaos. People are singing, 
               dancing, fighting... but most of all, drinking.

               Beer flows from huge steins, steel kegs, and glass bottles. 
               Everyone is absolutely bombed.

                                     MS. CARTMAN (V.O.)
                         I was young and na´ve then...

               Now we see the younger Ms. Cartman. She looks pretty much 
               the same except that her hair is longer. She is chugging a 
               yard of Beer.

                                     MAN
                         Wow! I've never seen a woman drink 
                         that much!! You're amazing, Ms. 
                         Cartman!!

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                              (totally drunk)
                         Oh, heck, I haven't even started 
                         yet! I baked cookies... would anybody 
                         like one?

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         I wouldn't mind gettin' a hold of 
                         YOUR cookies, Ms. Cartman!

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                              (Sexy)
                         Well... Go right ahead, Officer 
                         Barbrady...

               Barbrady leans into Ms. Cartman... Then grabs a cookie, bites 
               into it and walks away.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Mmm, that's a good cookie7!

               Square Dancing MUSIC kicks in.

                                     JIMBO
                         Come on everybody, let's do the 
                         drunken barn dance!!

               Ms. Cartman stumbles over to the dance floor.

                                     MS. CARTMAN (V.O.)
                         And then I saw him... He was the 
                         most beautiful, charming piece of 
                         ass I'd ever seen in South Park.

               The camera settles on Jimbo for a moment... Was Jimbo 
               Cartman's dad?! No, just then, the crowd parts, and standing 
               there... Is a large, buff Native American Ute man. He and 
               Ms. Cartman stare at each other.

                                     MS. CARTMAN (V.O.)
                         His name was Chief Running Water.

               As the camera ZOOMS IN on their faces, that gay 'Near/Far' 
               song from Titanic plays.

               Ms. Cartman walks over to the Chief and starts to mosh with 
               him, vulgarly.

               Finally, Ms. Cartman trips, falls down, gets back up, vomits, 
               and keeps dancing.

               INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - PRESENT DAY

               Cartman is sitting, listening to the story.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         I don't recall exactly how the rest 
                         of the night went, but the next 
                         morning, I was pregnant with you, my 
                         little blueberry muffin.

                                     CARTMAN
                         So where is Chief Running Water -- I 
                         mean, DAD, now?

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Oh, I never saw him after that. I 
                         wasn't really that interested in 
                         him.

               Cartman sits there and thinks for a moment.

                                     CARTMAN
                         That isn't a very romantic story, 
                         mom!

               Ms. Cartman goes back to eating.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         I heard he still lives on the Ute 
                         reservation just outside of town.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Wow... To think all this time I'm 
                         actually a na´ve American.

               Kitty walks up and meows.

                                     CARTMAN
                         NO KITTY! That's a BAD KITTY!!!

               EXT. STAN'S HOUSE - ESTABLISHING

               INT. STAN'S HOUSE

               Stan, Kyle and Kenny are on the couch watching television. 
               Grandpa is watching the T.V. too, but he has the remote 
               control.

               ANGLE - TV

                                     NARRATOR
                         Coming this Sunday... A major 
                         television event that will blow you 
                         away.

               Explosions on the T.V. screen. The boys perk up.

                                     NARRATOR
                         Terrance...

               Zoom in on Terrance's face.

                                     NARRATOR
                         Phillip...

               Zoom in on Phillip's face.

                                     NARRATOR
                         In the harrowing made for T.V. drama, 
                         'Not Without My Anus'. Based on a 
                         true story.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Hey Phillip, I have to go to Iraq 
                         and find my kidnapped daughter!

                                     PHILLIP
                         Then I'm going to go with you, 
                         Terrance!

               Phillip farts, they both laugh merrily.

                                     NARRATOR
                         See Canada's hottest stars in the 
                         HBC movie of the week.

                                     STAN
                         Wow! Kick ass, dude! We have to 
                         remember to tape Not Without My Anus 
                         next week.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, dude, it looks riveting.

                                     STAN
                         C'mon grandpa?! We wanna watch 
                         Terrance and Phillip!

                                     GRANDPA
                         No, Billy, we're gonna watch the Bob 
                         Saget show.

               The boys MOAN.

               ANGLE - TV

                                     NARRATOR
                         And now back to America's Stupidest 
                         Home Videos. Here's your host, Bob 
                         Saget!!!

               A clean shaven Bob Saget takes the stage.

                                     BOB SAGET
                         Hey, I just flew into the studio, 
                         boy are my arms tired.

               The audience doesn't react, but Grandpa laughs.

                                     BOB SAGET
                         Why didn't the skeleton cross the 
                         road? 'Cause he didn't have the guts.

               The audience again remains silent. Grandpa slaps his knee, 
               laughing. The boys just sit there.

                                     BOB SAGET
                         Knock, Knock.

                                     BOB SAGET
                         Bob.

                                     BOB SAGET
                         Bob Saget.

               The audience is stumped for a moment. Silence...

               Suddenly they ERUPT with laughter. They roll around on the 
               floor, laughing uncontrollably.

               So is grandpa. Stan can't believe it.

                                     STAN
                         This guy sucks!

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, he's almost as bad as that guy 
                         on Full House.

               Suddenly, the doorbell rings. The boys walk over to answer 
               it.

               When Stan opens the door, he finds Cartman dressed in all 
               Indian garb.

                                     STAN
                         Cartman? What the hell are you doing 
                         dressed up like an Indian with a 
                         bear necklace?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Naive American, Stan. And the bear 
                         is very important to my people.

                                     STAN
                         What?

               Kyle and Kenny walk up behind Stan and check Cartman out. 
               Kenny immediately starts laughing uncontrollably.

                                     CARTMAN
                         HEY! THE WHITE MAN HAS MOCKED MY 
                         PEOPLE LONG ENOUGH! YOU KEEP YOUR 
                         GODDAMNED MOUTH SHUT!!!
                              (Back to normal)
                         Stan, I need to borrow your bike to 
                         ride over to the reservation.

                                     STAN
                         What are you talking about, Cartman?

                                     CARTMAN
                         My name isn't Eric Cartman. It's 
                         Eric Running Water. Now, can I borrow 
                         your bike, or do I have to kick you 
                         in the nuts and steal it?

                                     STAN
                         Go ahead, dude.

               Cartman leaves, closing the door behind him. The boys head 
               back to the couch.

                                     KYLE
                         Man, Cartman's more screwed up than 
                         I thought.

                                     STAN
                              (holding out VHS tape)
                         Yeah, we better get this video tape 
                         over to Mr. Mackey quick.

               ANGLE - TV

                                     BOB SAGET
                         Just a friendly reminder to all of 
                         you out there, send us your stupidest 
                         home videos! The grand prize this 
                         month will be for ten thousand 
                         dollars!!

                                     GRANDPA
                         Ten thousand dollars!! Holy smokes!!

                                     KYLE
                         Wow! I wish WE had a stupidest 
                         homevideo!

               Suddenly, the boys all seem to get the same idea. The camera 
               PANS along each kid's face as MUSIC kicks in. They look at 
               their tape with wide eyes.

               EXT. UTE INDIAN RESERVATION - DAY

               A NATIVE AMERICAN man walks up to a campfire, where several 
               other Utes are sitting.

                                     CHIEF RUNNING WATER
                         ...And Bear cried to Eagle...

                                     NATIVE AMERICAN
                         Running Water, there's some kid here 
                         to see you.

                                     CHIEF RUNNING WATER
                         What kid?

                                     NATIVE AMERICAN
                         He claims to be YOUR kid.

               Just then, Cartman walks up, wearing all kinds of Indian 
               garb.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hi, dad!

                                     CHIEF RUNNING WATER
                         Who the hell are you?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm your son, Eric. My mom says you 
                         put your Who-Who Dilly in her Cha-
                         Cha at the drunken barn dance.

                                     CHIEF RUNNING WATER
                         Your mother?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Liane Cartman.

                                     CHIEF RUNNING WATER
                         CARTMAN?!
                              (Laughing)
                         Oh, boy I was worried there for a 
                         second!! Look, kid, I'm not your 
                         father.

                                     CARTMAN
                         But my mom said YOU were the guy she 
                         was with.

                                     CHIEF RUNNING WATER
                         Kid, I hate to break this to you, 
                         but your mother is what we Native 
                         Americans refer to as 'Bear with 
                         wide canyon'.

                                     CARTMAN
                         What do you mean?

                                     CHIEF RUNNING WATER
                         She is 'Doe who cannot keep legs 
                         together'.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Huh?

                                     CHIEF RUNNING WATER
                         Your mom's a slut.

                                     CARTMAN
                         HEY!

                                     CHIEF RUNNING WATER
                         Don't feel too bad, your mom was 
                         just too drunk to remember what 
                         happened. Let me tell you...

               EXT. LARGE BARN - NIGHT

               We are again outside the drunken barn dance.

               INT. LARGE BARN - NIGHT

               The younger Chief Running Water and Ms. Cartman laugh and 
               dance into the hay loft, a few yards away from the party.

               Ms. Cartman giggles as she and the Chief fall into the hay, 
               embracing each other.

               They look into each other's eyes for a beat...

                                     CHIEF RUNNING WATER
                         We got tired of dancing, so we went 
                         off to find a private spot. I knew 
                         that she wanted me because she kept 
                         saying romantic things.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Oh Chief, I want your hot manchowder.

                                     CHIEF RUNNING WATER
                         Woa! Hello!

               The two start going at it, as random townspeople dance and 
               vomit past them.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Wait, wait!!

               Ms. Cartman sits up.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Who is THAT?!

               Again the crowd parts, and this time we see a younger CHEF 
               standing in the crowd with a big afro.

               Again, the Near/Far faggot song from Titanic plays as the 
               camera zooms in on Ms. Cartman's and Chef's faces.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Chief... Could you excuse me for a 
                         minute?

                                     CHIEF RUNNING WATER
                         Huh?

               Ms. Cartman gets up and walks over to Chef.

                                     CHIEF RUNNING WATER
                         You gotta be kidding me!!

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Why, hello there... I don't think 
                         I've seen you around before.

                                     CHEF
                         Naw, I'm new in town.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Well, what's a nice, handsome,
                              (looking down)
                         BLACK... man like yourself doing in 
                         a pit like South Park?

                                     CHEF
                         I'm gonna open up my own restaurant 
                         here!

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         My, how exciting! Would you... Care 
                         to put your tongue in my mouth?

                                     CHEF
                         Damn, baby, you cut right to the 
                         chase, don't you.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         I'm plastered.

               Ms. Cartman grabs Chef and starts violently French kissing 
               him.

               EXT. UTE INDIAN RESERVATION - PRESENT DAY

                                     CARTMAN
                         His TONGUE?! CHEF?! Chef is my dad?!

                                     CHIEF RUNNING WATER
                         He's the last person I saw with your 
                         mom that night.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh my God! I'm a black African 
                         American!!

                                          ACT II

               EXT. BUSSTOP -DAY

               Stan, Kyle and Kenny are hanging out at the busstop with a 
               little go-cart.

               Kenny is pulling at the lawn-mower type engine, trying to 
               get it to start.

                                     STAN
                         Come on, Kenny. Get the go-cart going. 
                         I wanna ride it!!

                                     KYLE
                         Did you send the videotape to 
                         America's Stupidest Home Videos?

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, I mailed it last night. What 
                         sucks it that now we'll have to 
                         actually watch that Bob Saget guy to 
                         find out if we won.

                                     KYLE
                         If we win, we can buy a NEW go-cart 
                         that actually RUNS!

                                     STAN
                         Shh! Here comes Cartman!

               Cartman walks up, wearing all kinds of black hip hop street 
               garb and sporting a large afro.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ssup, homies?

                                     STAN
                         Cartman?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I was just down in the SPC kicking 
                         it with some G's on the west side.

                                     KYLE
                         You live on the EAST side, Cartman!

                                     STAN
                         Dude, I thought you said you were 
                         Native American.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, right. Like I'm some hippy Indian! 
                         You know what I'm sayin'? Check you 
                         later, I'm gonna go chill with my 
                         dad.

               Cartman walks off.

                                     STAN
                         Dude, we should be videotaping THIS! 
                         We could make ANOTHER ten thousand 
                         dollars!

               Just then, Kenny manages to get the go cart running. It takes 
               off at an amazing speed! Kenny is dragged behind it, holding 
               desperately onto the cord.

                                     STAN AND KYLE
                         HOLD ON KENNY!!!

               The go-cart runs wild up and down the street, though the 
               trees, Kenny being dragged and beaten to a bloody pulp. 
               Finally, after horrible bounces and bumps, the go-cart comes 
               to a stop.

               Kenny manages to slowly sit up. He waves to Stan and Kyle. 
               He appears okay.

                                     KENNY
                         Mrph mfrr mphr.

               Until a train runs him over going seventy.

                                     STAN
                         Oh my God!! They've killed Kenny!!

                                     KYLE
                         YOU BASTARDS!!!

               EXT. CHEF'S HOUSE - DAY

               Cartman knocks on the door. Chef answers.

                                     CHEF
                         Hello?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yo, pops.

               Cartman is standing there with his afro.

                                     CHEF
                         Boy, what the fudge are you doing?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         You know, just laying down some rhymes 
                         for my G-folk. You know what I'm 
                         saying?

                                     CHEF
                         Get in here!

                                     CARTMAN
                         West side!

               Chef grabs Cartman by the arm and yanks him into his house.

               INT. CHEF'S HOUSE - DAY

                                     CHEF
                              (Grabbing the afro)
                         Take off that wig!! Now what's gotten 
                         into you?

                                     CARTMAN
                         YOU'RE my dad, Chef! Chief Running 
                         Water said you got together with my 
                         mom at the drunken barn dance.

                                     CHEF
                         What? No...
                              (Thinking to himself)
                         Uh... Did I?

                                     CARTMAN
                         He said you kissed her with your 
                         tongue.

                                     CHEF
                         Oh! Oh, that's different! Women don't 
                         get pregnant from tongue kissing, 
                         children!

               Cartman just stands there, blinking.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Looking sad)
                         So, you're not my dad?

                                     CHEF
                         Of course not. Here,
                              (Helping Cartman onto 
                              a stool)
                         You children sit down and let me 
                         explain something to you about where 
                         babies come from. Then you'll see 
                         why I can't be your dad.

               Music kicks in. Chef gets ready to sing.

                                     CHEF
                              (Singing)
                         When a man loves a woman and a woman 
                         loves a man (Actually, sometimes the 
                         man doesn't love the woman, but he 
                         acts like he does in order to get 
                         some action.) The magic starts to 
                         happen and the two take off their 
                         clothes -- that's right. They caress 
                         and touch each other until a part of 
                         the man grows. Oooh, they roll around 
                         and now things are really starting 
                         to get hot. And the man say, "I love 
                         you" and the woman says, "Hold on a 
                         second, I gotta go to the bathroom." 
                         So you wait and you wait and you 
                         wait and you wait and... You wait 
                         and you wait and you wait. You wait 
                         and you're cooling down and she's 
                         still going to the bathroom. Finally 
                         she comes back and she says, "Baby 
                         I'm getting hot." And that's when 
                         you gotta jump her butt and pump her 
                         full of...

               Cartman is tremendously confused.

                                     CARTMAN
                         WHAT?! So who the hell did that to 
                         my mom at the drunken barn dance?!?!

               Chef thinks.

                                     CHEF
                         Oh, children, that was a long time 
                         ago... But I'll tell you what I 
                         remember...

               EXT. LARGE BARN - NIGHT

               Same old establishing shot. Loud noises and music inside.

               INT. LARGE BARN - NIGHT

               Chef and Ms. Cartman are rolling around in the hay, with 
               their tongues in each other's mouths. Ms. Cartman is on her 
               back, Chef is on top of her.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Oh, Chef! You're so strong!!

                                     JIMBO
                         Hey everybody! Look who's here!! The 
                         AFC champion Denver Broncos!!!

               Sure enough the entire Denver Bronco team walks in.

                                     BRONCOS
                              (Ad libbing)
                         Are we too late for the party? Where's 
                         the beer. etc.

               Ms. Cartman, still on top of Chef, turns to look at the Denver 
               Broncos.

               Once again, the gay Near/Far Titanic song starts, this time 
               the camera ZOOMS in on Ms. Cartman's face and then ZOOMS in 
               on the entire 1991 Denver Broncos team.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Oh, Chef! OH, CHEF!!

               Chef looks surprised.

                                     CHEF
                         Damn woman, what's gotten into to 
                         you?

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         WHOOPEE!!!

               Suddenly, a hand emerges from beneath Ms. Cartman. Chef pulls 
               the hay away to reveal... MR. GARRISON!!

                                     CHEF
                         Garrison!! What the hell are you 
                         doing?!

               Garrison looks at his hand.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         You're DRUNK, Mr. HAT!!

               As Ms. Cartman looks at Garrison, that gay Near/Far song 
               from Titanic swells up yet again. ZOOM IN on Ms. Cartman's 
               and Garrison's faces.

                                     CHEF
                         Ah, MAN!! I'm outta here!

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Come on, Chef. Haven't you ever heard 
                         of a manage' au three?

                                     CHEF
                         Yeah, when two women are involved!

               Chef gets up and leaves.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Damn! Damn, Damn! Oh well, guess 
                         It'll just have to be you and me, 
                         Ms. Cartman.

               They roll around in the hay.

               INT. CHEF'S HOUSE - DAY

                                     CHEF
                         And THAT'S who she was with last... 
                         Mr. Garrison.

                                     CARTMAN
                         No! NOOOO!!!! NO GOD NO!!!!!!

               INT. STAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

               ANGLE - TV

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         And now back to America's Stupidest 
                         Home Videos.

                                     BOB SAGET
                         Here's a video sent to us, that shows 
                         a VERY disturbed little boy...

               ANGLE - VIDEO SCREEN

               A clip of what Kyle filmed of Cartman. No voice-over. Just 
               Cartman's insanity.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (on the monitor)
                         'Why thank you Polly Prissypants, 
                         you are my best friend.'

               The audience begins to laugh.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (on the monitor/as 
                              Polly)
                         'I think you are one of the coolest 
                         people in the world Eric, and you 
                         are not fat at all!'

                                     CARTMAN
                         Really? You don't think so?

                                     CARTMAN
                              (on the monitor/as 
                              Clydefrog)
                         No you're not fat.

               The audience goes apeshit. They are hysterical.

               ANGLE - KIDS

               Stan and Kyle are laughing. Just then, Stan's mother and 
               father walk in.

                                     STAN'S MOTHER
                         Oh, Stanly, we just heard the news 
                         that your little friend Kenny was 
                         killed by a train this morning.

                                     STAN
                         Huh? Oh, yeah.

                                     STAN'S FATHER
                         Is there anything we can do for you, 
                         son?

               Stan thinks.

                                     STAN
                         How about some ice cream!

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah! With butterscotch!

                                     STAN'S MOTHER
                         You bet... You poor dears.

               Stan's father and mother walk out.

               ANGLE - TV

                                     BOB SAGET
                         Now the moment you've all been waiting 
                         for, when one of our lucky videos 
                         qualifies for the TEN THOUSAND DOLLAR 
                         grand prize to be chosen TOMORROW 
                         NIGHT. The winner is:
                              (Drumroll)
                         Little Boy's Tea Party!

               ANGLE - KIDS

               The boys go absolutely wild, jumping and hollering. Clapping 
               is heard from the TV.

                                     BOYS
                              (Ad lib)
                         Yeah! Wooo! I knew we'd win!

                                     STAN
                         We're in the finals!

                                     KYLE
                         We're going to win $10,000!

                                     STAN
                         Man, Cartman's going to be famous.

               INT. SOUTH PARK BAR - NIGHT

               Garrison is drinking at the local bar with most of the 
               townspeople of South Park.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well, I guess we should go, Mr. Hat...

                                     MR. HAT
                         Oh, just one more Cosmopolitan Mr. 
                         Garrison.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Mr. Hat you need to admit you have a 
                         drinking problem... Another Cosmo 
                         please!

               Just then, Cartman slams the door open. He's standing in the 
               doorway, eyes fixed on Garrison, looking pissed off.

                                     CARTMAN
                         All this time... Why didn't you tell 
                         me, father?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         What the hell are you talking about, 
                         Eric?

                                     CARTMAN
                         It was YOU all along!!

               Garrison doesn't answer... Perhaps he IS Eric's father!

                                     CARTMAN
                         YOU were with my mother the night of 
                         the drunken barn dance!

                                     JIMBO
                         Garrison?! That's impossible! He's 
                         gay!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I am NOT GAY!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Then you DID sleep with my mom?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         No!

                                     JIMBO
                         He's gay!

               Garrison thinks. He doesn't know what to say.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay, okay! I admit it!! I might 
                         have made love to your mother at the 
                         Drunken Barn Dance!!

               Cartman's face lights up.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         But Who here DIDN'T?!?!

               The room is silent.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Now come on! Honestly, who has NEVER 
                         had sex with Mrs. Cartman?

               Everybody looks to one another. Nobody speaks up... Not even 
               the preacher or Jesus.

                                     MAN
                         I haven't!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         You don't count, halfie! You don't 
                         have any legs!

                                     MAN
                         Oh, yeah.

               Cartman can't believe it.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         So you see, Eric. Anyone here could 
                         be your father. I'm afraid you're 
                         never going to know...

               Cartman puts his head down.

                                     JIMBO
                         Don't feel too bad there, kid. I 
                         never knew who my father was either...
                              (Pause)
                         I mean, I DID know who he was, and, 
                         well, we had great times together 
                         and huntin' and fishin', but -- well, 
                         hell, you know what I mean.

               Cartman slowly walks out of the bar very sad violin music 
               begins to play.

               Everyone looks like they genuinely feel bad for Eric.

                                     MEPHESTO
                         Wait! Wait! I know a way to find 
                         out!

                                     CARTMAN
                         How?

                                     MEPHESTO
                         At my laboratory! We can do DNA 
                         genetic testing! I'll take some of 
                         your blood, along with the blood of 
                         everyone here and we can determine 
                         who your father is!!

               Cartman looks happy! Everybody else looks worried.

                                     CARTMAN
                         REALLY! YOU CAN?!

                                     MEPHESTO
                         Yes! Of course... I mean, that much 
                         testing will cost a pretty penny... 
                         but...

                                     CARTMAN
                         How much?

                                     MEPHESTO
                         Three thousand should cover it!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't have three thousand dollars!

                                     MEPHESTO
                         Oh, never mind.

               Everyone just turns around and starts drinking.

                                         ACT III

               EXT. BUSSTOP - DAY

                                     STAN
                         Dude, I can't wait to win that ten 
                         thousand dollars on America's 
                         stupidest home videos! I'm gonna buy 
                         the coolest go-cart ever!

                                     KYLE
                         I'm gonna buy a walkman with MY half!

               Cartman walks up, with his head down.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Very slow and sad)
                         Hey guys.

                                     STAN
                         How's it going, Cartman?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh... Fine. How are you guys?

               The boys can't believe how mellow and normal Cartman is.

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, what the hell is wrong with 
                         you?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, nothing, it's just -- Nothing...

                                     STAN
                         Come on, what's the matter, Cartman?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, I want to know who my dad is. 
                         But to find out, they have to do 
                         these DNA tests, and that costs three 
                         thousand dollars. I don't have three 
                         thousand dollars...

               Stan and Kyle look at each other.

                                     STAN
                         Wow, We're sorry your mom's a whore, 
                         dude!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, it sucks. I have to know who 
                         my father is. I just have to. Maybe 
                         I could work at a sweat shop for a 
                         while... Well, see you guys, I'm 
                         gonna go play in my back yard for a 
                         while...

               Now Stan and Kyle look really guilty.

                                     KYLE
                         Uh... Cartman, we know how we can 
                         get you three thousand dollars.

                                     CARTMAN
                         You do?

                                     STAN
                         Yeah... We have a videotape that's 
                         in the finals for America's Stupidest 
                         Home Videos... And... And if we win, 
                         we'll GIVE you three thousand of our 
                         ten thousand dollar prize!

                                     CARTMAN
                         You will?! WOW!! You guys are the 
                         BEST!!! THANKS, YOU GUYS!!

                                     STAN
                         Uh... Yeah.

               EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - ESTABLISHING

               INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE

               Stan and Kyle and Cartman are gathered in front of the 
               television, enthralled.

                                     NARRATOR
                         And now back to America's stupidest 
                         home videos!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         What kind of video did you guys make?

                                     STAN
                         Uh... You'll see.

               INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - NIGHT

                                     BOB SAGET
                         Well, it's time to crown the ten 
                         thousand dollar winner. Our judges 
                         have narrowed it down to only three 
                         videos. First, it's: Dog who puts 
                         hat on master's head!

               Applause.

               ANGLE - VIDEO SCREEN

               We see a lame video clip of a little dog.

                                     BOB SAGET
                              (High voice)
                         Oh, I'm a little dog. I'm just a 
                         little dog. Oh, oh!

               The dog puts a hat on a bald guy's head.

                                     BOB SAGET
                              (High voice)
                         Oh, I've got to put a hat on my 
                         master's head, ha, ha!

               Back in the studio, the audience is laughing wildly. CLOSE 
               UP on one woman in a 3/4 view laughing so hard, she's crying.

                                     BOB SAGET
                         And now our second finalist... LITTLE 
                         BOY HAS A TEA PARTY!!

               Applause.

               INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE

               Cartman's eyes widen.

               ANGLE - VIDEO SCREEN

               The tape of Cartman comes up, he's pouring tea for Polly 
               Prissypants.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (on the monitor)
                         'Why thank you Polly Prissypants, 
                         you are my best friend.'

                                     CARTMAN
                              (in Polly voice)
                         Oh thank you Eric.

               The audience howls with laughter.

               INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE

               Cartman can't believe it.

                                     BOB SAGET
                         Boy, it looks like THIS kid needs 
                         some therapy!!

               Cartman's eyes are HUGE his teeth are clenched.

               ANGLE - VIDEO SCREEN

               The audience erupts with laughter as little Eric pours tea 
               for his stuffed animals.

                                     STAN
                         We're sure to win Cartman! Then you 
                         get your DNA money!

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Shaking violently)
                         I... AM... SO... PISSED... OFF... 
                         RIGHT... NAAAAA!!!!

                                     KYLE
                         They laughed hardest at our video! 
                         We're gonna win! We're gonna win!!

               INT. T.V. STUDIO - DAY

                                     BOB SAGET
                         And finally, our third contestant, 
                         'Young child gets hit by a train'!!

               ANGLE - VIDEO SCREEN

               The image comes up. Sure enough, it's Kenny, somebody 
               videotaped him trying to get the go-cart started.

                                     BOB SAGET
                              (High voice)
                         Oh, I'm such a cute little kid. 
                         Hmmm... I wonder if I can get this 
                         go-cart started?

               ANGLE - CARTMAN'S

               The boys watch on in disbelief.

               ANGLE - VIDEO SCREEN

               We again see the horrific dragging of Kenny. He stops on the 
               train tracks, checks his head, then gets pummeled by the 
               train.

               In the TV studio, the audience is laughing hardily.

                                     STAN
                         Oh my God! They've videotaped killing 
                         Kenny!!!

                                     KYLE
                         YOU BASTARDS!!!

               The audience is still laughing.

                                     BOB SAGET
                         Now THAT'S what I call a joy ride!

               The audience laughs even harder.

                                     BOB SAGET
                         And the winner is, naturally... 
                         'little boy being hit by a train'!!

               Applause.

               INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE

                                     STAN
                         Dude! We LOST!!

                                     KYLE
                         DAMMIT!!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I... AM... GOING... TO... FUCKING... 
                         KILL... YOU GUYS... SERIOUSLY...

               INT. T.V. STUDIO - DAY

                                     BOB SAGET
                         Stand up and take a bow, Mr. Marsh.

               Stan's grandfather stands up in the crowd and waves.

                                     GRANDPA
                         I won! I won!

               INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE

                                     STAN
                         Grandpa!!!

               INT. T.V. STUDIO - DAY

                                     BOB SAGET
                         Our other finalists will have to 
                         settle for their three thousand dollar 
                         runner up prizes. Well, see you next 
                         time!

               INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE

                                     KYLE
                         Did you hear that, dude?! We still 
                         get three thousand dollars!! That's 
                         enough for you to get your DNA tests!!

               CARTMAN IS CATATONIC

                                     CARTMAN
                         KILL... YOU GUYS... KILL YOU 
                         GUUUYYYYSSSS!!!!!

                                          ACT IV

               EXT. MEPHESTO'S LAB

               Establishing.

               INT. MEPHESTO'S LAB

               Cartman and his mother are in Mephesto's laboratory, along 
               with most of the men of South Park.

                                     MEPHESTO
                         Alright, from everyone's accounts, I 
                         have narrowed down Eric's possible 
                         father to the people in this room...

               As Mephesto lists off the names, we see their worried 
               expressions.

                                     MEPHESTO
                         Officer Barbrady, Chef, Jimbo, Mr. 
                         Garrison, Ned, Chief Running Water, 
                         Gerald BROVLOFSKI, Myself, my friend 
                         Kevin, or the 1989 Denver Broncos.

               The little monkey guy looks worried.

               The Broncos all look worried, too.

                                     STAN
                         Wow, I always knew Cartman's mom was 
                         a slut, but goddamn!

                                     MEPHESTO
                         The test results are in this 
                         envelope... Shall I open it?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Yes! For God's sake get on with it!!

               Mephesto opens the envelope and reads the paper inside. His 
               expression grows huge.

                                     MEPHESTO
                         The father of Eric Cartman is INDEED 
                         someone in this room!!

               Everybody looks around nervously.

                                     MEPHESTO
                         The father is...

               A drum roll starts. The camera starts to focus on different 
               people in the room.

                                     NARRATOR
                         Who is Eric Cartman's father? Is 
                         it... Chief Running Water?!

               Chief looks around nervously.

                                     NARRATOR
                         Or is it... Chef?! Is it Mephesto? 
                         Or that little monkey guy that follows 
                         him around?

               The little monkey guy raises his eyebrows.

                                     NARRATOR
                         Or is it Mr. Garrison?!

                                     JIMBO
                         No, he's gay!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         You go to hell! You go to hell and 
                         you die!!

                                     NARRATOR
                         Is it Jimbo?

                                     JIMBO
                         Agh!

                                     NARRATOR
                         Or is it Officer Barbrady?

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Huh, where?

                                     NARRATOR
                         Or could it be Ned.

                                     NED
                         Could be.

                                     NARRATOR
                         Or Mr. BROVLOFSKI?

                                     KYLE
                         Dad! How could you?

                                     NARRATOR
                         Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos? 
                         THE ANSWER IS COMING ON AN ALL NEW 
                         SOUTH PARK IN JUST FOUR WEEKS!!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         What? Son of a bitch!

                                         THE END

Cartman's mom is a dirty slut



Writers :   Trey Parker  David Goodman
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


User Comments







Index    |    Submit    |    Links    |    Link to us    |    RSS Feeds    |    Disclaimer    |    Privacy policy