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                                       "SOUTH PARK"

                                       Episode 202

                          "Cartman's Mom Is Still A Dirty Slut"

                                        Written by

                              Trey Parker and David Goodman

                

                                          ACT I

               INT. MEPHESTO'S LAB

                                     NARRATOR
                         Previously, on 'South Park'...

               The scene is just as we had left it on episode 113.

                                     NARRATOR
                         An air of sobriety fills the 
                         laboratory as the men of South Park 
                         gather to find out which one of them 
                         fathered this boy --

               ANGLE CARTMAN

               Cartman bites into a doughnut and sips at a drink.

                                     NARRATOR
                         Who is Eric Cartman's father? At the 
                         end of tonight's episode, you WILL 
                         KNOW the answer!!

               ROLL SOUTH PARK OPENING SEQUENCE

               EXT. MEPHESTO'S LAB - NIGHT

               Establishing.

               INT. MEPHESTO'S LAB

               Everyone is gathered around in Mephesto's office, waiting in 
               anticipation.

                                     MEPHESTO
                         And now... To continue, the father 
                         is indeed someone in this room!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Man, this feels like the longest 
                         minute of my life!

               Stan and Kyle stand there waiting. Kenny suddenly appears 
               next to them.

                                     STAN
                              (Confused)
                         Oh, hey Kenny...

               Mephesto takes out the card and reads it.

                                     MEPHESTO
                         Gentlemen, the father is...

               Everyone's eyes get big. Music SWELLS.

               But then, suddenly, the lights go out!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                              (In darkness)
                         Hey, what the hell's going on?

                                     JIMBO
                         It's a power outage!

               Suddenly, we hear BANG! BANG! BANG-BANG!

               The lights come back on, and everyone looks around.

                                     CHEF
                         Is everybody okay? That sounded like 
                         a gunshot!

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Oh my God! LOOK!!

               Mephesto is lying on the floor, bleeding from gunshot wounds.

                                     KENNY
                              (Oh my God! They've 
                              killed Mephesto!)
                         Mph mm Mrm! Mrphph mrph MrphMprhMrph!!

                                     KYLE
                         You bastards!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Mephesto's been shot!!

               Everyone rushes over to Mephesto's body.

                                     CHEF
                         Is he dead?!

                                     JIMBO
                         Hey, this window is shot out, too! 
                         That means the killer was NOT somebody 
                         in this room!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Then who was it?!

               Suddenly, the narrator's voice bursts in again.

                                     NARRATOR (V.O.)
                         Who shot Mephesto? Was it the school 
                         counselor?
                              (As pictures fly past)
                         Or was it Ms. Crabtree? Or was it --

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey! Wait a minute! I didn't find 
                         out who my father was!

                                     NARRATOR (V.O.)
                              (Pictures continue)
                         Or was it Ms. Broslofsky?

               Chef is leaning down by Mephesto.

                                     CHEF
                         Wait! He's still breathing! He's not 
                         dead!

               A few people help Chef lift up Mephesto and lead him towards 
               the door. Cartman gets in Mephesto's face.

                                     CARTMAN
                         GOD DAMMIT! WHO'S MY FATHER?!

               But Mephesto is not conscious.

                                     CHEF
                         We have to get him to the hospital!

                                     CARTMAN
                         You've got to be kidding me!!!!

                                     CHEF
                         Come on, children!

               The boys follow Chef out the door.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh!

                                     MR. BROVLOFSKI
                         Oh, that poor kid. It must be hell 
                         for him going through all this.

               Ms. Cartman is standing right next to him. When she hears 
               this, she lowers her head and walks away.

                                     JIMBO
                         There's a murderer free in South 
                         Park! We have to find out who it is 
                         before they kill again!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Yeah, God only knows who they'll 
                         kill next?

                                     NARRATOR
                         Who will they kill next? Will it be 
                         Jimbo?
                              (Slides again)
                         Barbrady? The Denver Broncos...?

               INT. CHEF'S CAR - NIGHT

               Chef drives with Cartman in the front seat and the boys in 
               back, with an unconscious Mephesto in the way back.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Is he awake yet?

                                     KYLE
                         He's bleeding pretty bad back here.

                                     CHEF
                         Don't let him bleed on my Meredith 
                         Baxter Birney memorial towel.

                                     KYLE
                         What's a Meredith Baxter Birney 
                         Memorial towel?

                                     CHEF
                         I actually was with Meredith Baxter 
                         Birney in this very car, and 
                         afterwards, we used that towel to... 
                         Wait a minute, why am I telling you 
                         this?

               Meanwhile, Stan is looking incredibly sick.

                                     STAN
                         Could you pull over so I can get 
                         out?

                                     CHEF
                         What? We have to get to the hospital!

                                     STAN
                         I have to get out first, I'm not 
                         gonna make it. I can't stand 
                         hospitals!

                                     CHEF
                         Sorry, Stan. We just gotta drop 
                         Mephesto off, and then we can get 
                         out of there, alright?

                                     KYLE
                         Man, it's really starting to snow, I 
                         hope they don't close the roads.

                                     CARTMAN
                         They can't! Mephesto can't die!!!

                                     KYLE
                         Maybe it's better you don't know who 
                         your father is, Cartman.

                                     CARTMAN
                         No way dude, I can't stand to leave 
                         things unfinished. It's like when 
                         you hear the first part of that song 
                         "Come Sail Away" by Styx. If I hear 
                         the first part I have to finish it.

               Everybody looks at each other, confused.

                                     KYLE
                         Really?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah. I can't do anything until it's 
                         done.

                                     KYLE
                         I'm sailingg awayyy...

                                     CARTMAN
                         No! Don't!

                                     KYLE
                         Set an open course for the Virgin 
                         Sea...

               Kyle stops abruptly. Cartman sits and shakes. He turns red 
               like he's trying desperately to hold back. Finally, his mouth 
               opens and it comes bursting forth.

                                     CARTMAN
                         -- Cause I've got to be free to carry 
                         on. Duh-dun (and so on)

                                     KYLE
                         Woa, dude!

               EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD - DAY

               Chef's car speeds up the mountain road.

               A small, single snowflake falls from the sky and lands on 
               the sign that reads 'Hell's Pass Hospital - 35 miles'

               OMINOUS MUSIC STING.

               INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - NIGHT

               Everyone is gathered in the Mayor's Office. She tries to 
               calm them down.

                                     JIMBO
                         What are we going to do, Mayor? This 
                         killer is on the loose!!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         We can't even leave our homes for 
                         fear of our children's safety!

                                     STAN'S MOTHER
                         Uh... Where are our children?

               Everyone looks around.

                                     MAYOR
                         Officer Barbrady... Let's pretend 
                         for one second that we had a competent 
                         law enforcer in this town. What would 
                         HE do?

                                     BARBRADY
                         Hmm... That's a good question, 
                         Mayor... Let me get right on that 
                         with thinking.

               Barbrady goes into a trance.

               Suddenly, a crew of people carrying film equipment rush in.

                                     DIRECTOR
                         Mayor! Mayor!

                                     MAYOR
                         The press is here!

                                     DIRECTOR
                         My name is Sid Greenfield. I'm the 
                         director from Los Angeles for 
                         'America's Most Wanted'.

                                     MAYOR
                         You certainly made it up here quickly.

                                     DIRECTOR
                         We're desperate for stories.
                              (Catching himself)
                         AND this one is so compelling!

                                     MAYOR
                         Really?

                                     DIRECTOR
                         Sure! This story has everything! 
                         People... furniture... talking... 
                         It's a real American story.

                                     BARBRADY
                         Hey, I thought of something!
                              (Pause)
                         Er... No wait, that's subtraction...

                                     MAYOR
                              (Ignoring this)
                         Mr. Director person, what exactly do 
                         you want to do?

                                     JIMBO
                         Mayor, shouldn't we be focusing on --

                                     MAYOR
                         Shh!

                                     DIRECTOR
                         We just want to do a recreation of 
                         the story for our show. Then we'll 
                         flash a number on the screen that 
                         people can call if they have any 
                         information regarding the identity 
                         or location of the shooter. That's 
                         it. You win. We win. America wins.

                                     MAYOR
                         Are you sure this wouldn't make our 
                         little town look dangerous?

                                     DIRECTOR
                         Don't worry, Mayor, America's Most 
                         Wanted is not about violence, it's 
                         about family.

                                     CAMERA GUY
                         It is?

                                     MAYOR
                         Well, in that case, I guess it's 
                         okay.

                                     DIRECTOR
                         Great! We'll get started with 
                         auditions immediately. What part 
                         should we cast first?

               Again the Narrator's voice bursts in.

                                     NARRATOR
                         WHO WILL THE DIRECTOR CAST FIRST?! 
                         WILL IT BE MR. GARRISON? OFFICER 
                         BARBRADY? CHEF...?

               EXT. UNPLANNED PARENTHOOD - DAY

               The snow falls on this small, humble clinic.

                                     MS. CARTMAN (V.O.)
                         I want to have an abortion.

               INT. UNPLANNED PARENTHOOD - DAY

                                     SOCIAL WORKER
                         Oh, well we can do that. This must 
                         be a very difficult time for you 
                         Mrs...

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Cartman... Yes, It's such a hard 
                         decision. But I just don't feel I 
                         can raise a child in this screwy 
                         world.

                                     SOCIAL WORKER
                         Yes, Ms. Cartman, if you don't feel 
                         fit to raise a child, an abortion 
                         probably is the answer. Do you know 
                         the actual time of conception?

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         About eight years ago.

               The Social Worker looks confused.

                                     SOCIAL WORKER
                         I see... So the fetus is...

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Eight years old.

                                     SOCIAL WORKER
                         Ms. Cartman, eight years old is a 
                         little late to be considering 
                         abortion.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Really?

                                     SOCIAL WORKER
                         Yes, this is what we would refer to 
                         as the FORTIETH trimester.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         But I just don't think I'm a fit 
                         mother.

                                     SOCIAL WORKER
                         Well, but we prefer to abort babies 
                         a little earlier on. In fact, there's 
                         a law against abortions after the 
                         second trimester.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Well... I think you need to keep 
                         your laws off of my body.

                                     SOCIAL WORKER
                         Hmmm... I'm afraid I can't help you, 
                         Ms. Cartman. If you want to change 
                         the law, you'll have to speak with 
                         your congressman.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                              (A little pissed)
                         Well, then that's EXACTLY what I 
                         intend to do! Good day!

               EXT. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL - DAY

               Chef's car pulls up. Snow is falling heavily.

                                     CHEF
                         Come on children, we gotta find a 
                         doctor!

               Stan stops at the door.

                                     STAN
                         I can't do it, dude!

                                     KYLE
                         Come on, Stan. Hospitals aren't all 
                         that bad.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, stop being a wuss.

               INT. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL - NIGHT

               Chef and the children enter to find a doctor and nurse 
               standing over a patient in the ER.

                                     CHEF
                         Doctor!

                                     DOCTOR
                         One moment please! NURSE! I need 
                         twenty CCs of sodium pentothal, STAT!!

               The nurse runs over to the surgical tray. She has no arms, 
               however, and must pick up the syringe with her teeth.

                                     KYLE
                         Woa, dude, she doesn't have any arms!

                                     DOCTOR
                         We're an equal opportunity employer 
                         here, son.

               The nurse spits the syringe into the doctor's hands.

                                     CHEF
                         Doctor, we've got a shot cracker 
                         outside!

                                     DOCTOR
                         I'll be with you right after I inject 
                         this man with a long needle.

                                     STAN
                         Oh man, I'm gonna be sick...

                                     DOCTOR
                         There, there, young man. Medical 
                         science is nothing to be afraid of.

               To remove the air from the syringe, the doctor squirts out a 
               long stream of pentothal.

                                     STAN
                         UGH!

               The doctor injects the patient.

                                     NURSE GOODLY
                         Oooh, I think you're hitting the 
                         bone!!

                                     STAN
                              (Turning blue)
                         AAGHH!

                                     DOCTOR
                         Yeah, I can hear the needle scraping 
                         against the bone inside!

               Sccccrrrreeeee...

                                     DOCTOR
                         Oop, he's hemorrhaging!

               A long, thick arc of blood squirts through the air and hits 
               the ground next to Stan.

               Now, for absolutely no reason, the patient's head falls off 
               and hits the ground.

                                     DOCTOR
                         Oop! His head fell off!

                                     STAN
                         I'm gettin' outta here!!!

                                     KYLE
                         Stan!

                                     DOCTOR
                         Well, some people just have a weak 
                         stomach.

               EXT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

               Establishing.

               AMW has not set up a little trailer, but a huge complex with 
               a sign: AMERICA'S MOST WANTED: SOUTH PARK HEADQUARTERS

               INT. AUDITORIUM

               The Director sits in the dimly lit theatre seats, listening 
               to actors as they audition for parts.

               A sign on the small stage reads 'America's Most Wanted 
               Auditions'

               A very average looking man, wearing Mephesto's Hawaiian shirt 
               is on the stage, reading from a script.

                                     MEPHESTO ACTOR
                         And the father of Eric Cartman is... 
                         BANG! Ugh!! Jimminy! I've been shot!!

                                     DIRECTOR
                         Oh, thank you very much, we'll get 
                         back to you.

               The actor leaves.

                                     DIRECTOR
                         I think I've seen enough genetic 
                         engineers. Let's move on to the 
                         auditions for the part of...
                              (Looking at papers)
                         Mr... Garrison.

                                     ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
                         Call the Mr. Garrison auditions!!

               A young actor comes out with a sock on his hand.

                                     ACTOR
                         Boy, I sure hope I'm not Eric 
                         Cartman's father, Mr. Hat.
                              (As Mr. Hat)
                         You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.

                                     DIRECTOR
                         Alright, not bad. Let's keep him on 
                         the top pile. Next!

               Mr. Garrison walks out.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I sure hope that I am not Eric 
                         Cartman's father, Mr. Hat.
                              (As Mr. Hat)
                         You can say that again Mr. Garrison.

                                     DIRECTOR
                         Thank you -- NEXT!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         What?

                                     DIRECTOR
                         NEXT!

               Garrison looks puzzled and walks away.

               A very good looking actor takes his place.

                                     GOOD LOOKING ACTOR
                         I sure hope that I am not Eric 
                         Cartman's father Mr. Hat.
                              (As Mr. Hat)
                         You can say that again Mr. Garrison.

                                     DIRECTOR
                         PERFECT! YOU GOT IT!!

               Mr. Garrison exchanges looks with Mr. Hat.

                                     DIRECTOR
                         Let's move on to the Chefs!

               INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

               Ms. Cartman is lying naked in bed with a clean cut gentleman, 
               who is smoking a cigarette.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         And so you see Congressman O'Riley, 
                         that's why I think abortion laws 
                         should be changed.

                                     CONGRESSMAN
                         Well, all I know is that third 
                         trimester abortions are illegal. I 
                         don't really know anything about 
                         fortieth.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         But the lady at Unplanned Parenthood 
                         said you were who I had to talk to 
                         about changing the law.

                                     CONGRESSMAN
                         No, No, I think you gotta talk to 
                         the Governor about that stuff.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Oh dear.

               EXT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT

               We see Chef's car being buried by the heavy snowfall.

               INT. EMERGENCY ROOM - NIGHT

               Chef and Cartman and the boys stand around a bed where 
               Mephesto is lying, hooked up to all kinds of machines.

                                     DOCTOR
                         Well, this is about all I can do for 
                         him.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Can't you get him to talk? I have to 
                         know who my father is!!

                                     DOCTOR
                         Sorry, son, it might be a while.

               Cartman jumps up on Mephesto and starts slapping him in the 
               face.

                                     CARTMAN
                         WAKE UP YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!!

                                     CHEF
                         WOA!

                                     DOCTOR
                              (Pulling him off)
                         Now, son, that's not gonna do him 
                         any good. I'll let you know if there's 
                         a change in his condition.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I CAN'T WAIT ANYMORE!! WHAT AM I 
                         SUPPOSED TO DO?!?!

                                     KYLE
                         Hey, Cartman...

                                     CARTMAN
                         What?

                                     KYLE
                         I'mmmmm sailinngg aw --

               Kyle stops. Cartman's eyes grow wide. He starts to shake.

                                     CARTMAN
                         ...way set an open course on the 
                         Virgin Sea.
                              (continues)

                                     STAN
                         Okay, okay. Let's get out of here 
                         now.

                                     KYLE
                         I don't know if that's gonna be too 
                         easy...

               Kyle is looking out the window, where the blizzard has 
               intensified. Chef's car is completely buried.

                                     DOCTOR
                         My God, that's a hell of a storm.

                                     STAN
                         Oh, weak...

               EXT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS

               Snow has started to fall in South Park.

               INT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS

               The director is looking out the window at the falling snow.

                                     DIRECTOR
                         God I hate mountains. This better 
                         not push back our shooting schedule.

               Now the director steps back, and we see that he is next to a 
               huge facade of Mephesto's lab. Movie cameras and lights 
               abound.

               A full cast is on hand, with actors dressed up as all the 
               main characters.

                                     DIRECTOR
                         Okay people, let's rehearse the 
                         reenactment from the top before we 
                         shoot it.

               Everyone takes their places.

                                     DIRECTOR
                         Who's that?

               Eric Roberts is wearing a Hawaiian shirt and walking around.

                                     ASSISTANT
                         Oh that's T.V.'s Eric Roberts, we 
                         were able to get him to play the 
                         part of the little monkey guy.

                                     DIRECTOR
                         Oooh, talk about washed up, huh?
                              (To Eric, louder)
                         Great to have you, Eric!

               Eric waves.

                                     DIRECTOR
                         Here we go... And... ACTION!!

                                     MEPHESTO ACTOR
                         I want to announce who the father is --

                                     DIRECTOR
                         BANG!

                                     MEPHESTO ACTOR
                         Oh! I've been shot!

                                     BARBRADY ACTOR
                         Nobody move! I'm a law officer!

                                     CHEF ACTOR
                         My God... I think he's gone into 
                         cardiac arrest.

                                     BARBRADY ACTOR
                         You seem somewhat unnerved by this, 
                         Chef.

                                     CHEF ACTOR
                         Are you accusing me, Barbrady? Because 
                         if you are, accuse! Don't hide behind 
                         your clever riddles.

                                     BARBRADY ACTOR
                         Our differences must be set aside 
                         for now, Mr. Chef. I'm simply a man. 
                         A man trying to do my job.

               The South Park townspeople are watching from behind the 
               cameras.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Woa, this is a good movie!

               INT. EMERGENCY ROOM - NIGHT

               Chef and the boys are sitting in the waiting room, bored, 
               with a plethora of injured people waiting to get attention.

               Stan looks to his left where a man is holding his stabbed 
               arm with the knife still in it.

               He grimaces and looks to his right where a woman is bleeding 
               out her jugular.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Sail away with meeee!!!!

               Cartman takes a deep breath, satisfied.

                                     STAN
                         Ohhh, dude, when can we get out of 
                         here?

               The doctor rushes in and starts tending to the next patient.

                                     JUGULAR WOMAN
                         Doctor! I can't focus!

                                     DOCTOR
                         We're doing the best we can, ma'am. 
                         They've closed the pass and none of 
                         the other doctors can get through. 
                         For now it's just me and Nurse Goodly.

               Nurse goodly fumbles around for a stethoscope sans arms.

                                     CHEF
                         Wait a second, they've closed the 
                         pass?

                                     DOCTOR
                         Yes. I'm afraid we're critically 
                         understaffed. Unless we get help 
                         soon, all these people in here are 
                         completely fucked.

               The patients all look at the doctor with worry. A hush falls 
               over them.

                                     DOCTOR
                              (To them)
                         Metaphorically speaking, that is.

                                     CARTMAN
                         What about Mephesto?! Are you taking 
                         care of him?!

                                     DOCTOR
                         He's on full life support and 
                         breathing fine. He shouldn't need 
                         any help... So long as the power 
                         doesn't go out.

               The power goes out.

               Everyone just stands there in complete darkness.

                                     DOCTOR
                         Whoof, who didn't see that coming a 
                         mile away, huh?

                                          ACT II

               ROLL AMERICA'S MOST WANTED INTRODUCTION SEQUENCE

               MUSIC. A sequence of chase and arrest scenes, flashing lights 
               and running cops and robbers.

                                     NARRATOR
                         Tonight, on America's Most Wanted, a 
                         shooter is on the loose in Colorado, 
                         and the residents are up in arms! 
                         Here's your host John Walsh.

                                     JOHN WALSH
                         Good evening and welcome to America's 
                         Most Wanted. Tonight, terror invaded 
                         the small mountain community of South 
                         Park Colorado when Dr. Alphonse 
                         Mephesto was gunned down in his 
                         laboratory. America's Most Wanted 
                         has reconstructed this heinous crime 
                         in hopes that your calls can solve 
                         the case.

               INT. MEPHESTO'S LAB SET - NIGHT

               Thunder and lightning blast outside as we see all the actors 
               in their respective costumes.

                                     MEPHESTO ACTOR
                         I've been shot!!

                                     MR. GARRISON ACTOR
                         My God, Mr. Hat, get some help.

                                     MR. HAT ACTOR
                              (A tall, handsome 
                              actor)
                         Right away, Mr. Garrison.

                                     ERIC ROBERTS
                         No! Noo!! My lifetime partner and 
                         friend. Gone, taken away in the wink 
                         of an eye! Oh, fortune! How you mock 
                         me!

                                     DIRECTOR
                         What the?! Eric Roberts is improving 
                         lines again!

                                     CHEF ACTOR
                         I'm going to get the man to a 
                         hospital. Who will help me?

                                     ERIC ROBERTS
                         This is not a world I want to live 
                         in! It is an angry world.

                                     DIRECTOR
                         Dammit!!

               Just then, all the power goes out.

               EXT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS

               A tree has blown over on the power lines. They spark in the 
               falling snow.

               INT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS

                                     DIRECTOR
                         What the hell is this?!

                                     CAMERA GUY
                         We've lost the feed to L.A.!

               INT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS IN L.A.

               John Walsh is still standing there, but with all the screens 
               static.

                                     JOHN WALSH
                         Uhh... We seem to have lost our linkup 
                         to the South Park crew... So I guess 
                         we'll be going to our feature movie, 
                         Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Who framed Roger Rabbit? Was it Jimbo? 
                         Mr. Garrison? Chef?

               INT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS

                                     DIRECTOR
                         Somebody go see why we lost the 
                         hookup!

               Just then, the door blows open and snow flies everywhere.

                                     JIMBO
                         Holy smokes! That blizzard is gettin' 
                         crazy!

               EXT. HOSPITAL OF DOOM - NIGHT

               The snow has absolutely buried the hospital. The eerie 
               moonlight makes the place look like something out of 'The 
               Shining'

               INT. EMERGENCY ROOM - NIGHT

               The emergency lights have come on, but are noticeably dimmer.

               All the patients are screaming and running around in horror.

                                     NURSE GOODLY
                         Don't panic, anybody. The power lines 
                         are down, but the backup generator 
                         is running fine.

               The doctor pops out from the E.R.

                                     DOCTOR
                         Nurse! I could use some help in here!

                                     NURSE GOODLY
                         Coming!

               But as the nurse heads towards the doctor, Cartman steps in 
               front of her.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Lady, is Mephesto going to be okay?

                                     NURSE GOODLY
                         Yes... For now. But I'm afraid the 
                         generator won't run for long. The 
                         batteries run out in half an hour. 
                         Time is very short.

                                     DOCTOR
                         Nurse, PLEASE! I need another pair 
                         of HANDS in here!!
                              (Beat)
                         Oh... Sorry.

               INT. ANOTHER BEDROOM - NIGHT

               In a very immaculate bedroom, Ms. Cartman is again lying 
               naked next to a naked older looking man.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Don't you see, Govenor? I should 
                         have a right to have an abortion if 
                         I want one.

                                     GOVENOR
                         Mmm... I don't know I might need 
                         some more convincing.

               He rolls over and puts his arm around her.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         I mean, what right do I have bringing 
                         another child into this overpopulated 
                         world? Then again, I should have 
                         thought of that before having sex... 
                         Then again... Oh, I just don't know!

               INT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT

               Stan and Kyle are back with Chef, who is talking to the 
               doctor.

                                     DOCTOR
                         Please, Mr. Chef, I have over a 
                         hundred people to tend to here, and 
                         only myself and Nurse Goodly.

                                     CHEF
                         What do you want me to do?

                                     DOCTOR
                         Do you know anything about surgery?

                                     CHEF
                         I used to watch Quincy.

                                     DOCTOR
                         WHAT?! Why the hell didn't you say 
                         so! Put on some scrubs!!

               The doctor turns to the boys.

                                     DOCTOR
                         Boys, I'm making you all honorary 
                         doctors! You can help us save these 
                         people's lives!

               Stan gets a very, very worried look on his face.

                                     STAN
                         No way, dude!

               EXT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

               The snow is piled high all around America's Most Wanted. 
               Everything is absolutely covered.

               INT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS

               Jimbo opens the front door. A huge mound of snow rushes in, 
               and blowing snow flies in his face.

                                     JIMBO
                         Well, we're not going anywhere for a 
                         long time.

                                     DIRECTOR
                         We're snowed in?

                                     MAYOR
                         Yes... We're TRAPPED.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Like sailors on a submarine.

               Garrison looks at the Director.

                                     MAYOR
                         My God, this is the worst storm I've 
                         ever seen.

                                     ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
                         Ohh, I have to get out of here, I 
                         haven't eaten since breakfast.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Yeah, I'm gettin' hungry too.

                                     JIMBO
                         I hope you all realize what we might 
                         be facing here...

               Everyone looks at Jimbo.

                                     JIMBO
                         Our only option might be to EAT EACH 
                         OTHER to stay alive!

               MUSIC STING. Everybody GASPS.

                                     DIRECTOR
                         Uhh... It's only been like four hours. 
                         Aren't you resorting to cannibalism 
                         a little quickly?

                                     JIMBO
                         That's the law of the land, Mr. 
                         Director. I know it ain't pretty, 
                         but if a few of us might die so that 
                         the rest can stay alive so be it.

                                     MAYOR
                         But how do we decide... who?

                                     JIMBO
                         Well, we draw straws.

                                     DIRECTOR
                              (Hysterical)
                         Now wait a minute! We all had a big 
                         breakfast, can't you people go without 
                         eating for a little --

                                     JIMBO
                         CALM DOWN, SOLDIER!! WE NEED EVERY 
                         PERSON HERE TO KEEP HIS HEAD!!

               Barbrady, fetch some straws.

                                     DIRECTOR
                         Well who the hell made you the boss 
                         anyway?!

               Jimbo opens his mouth to answer, when --

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Who the hell made Jimbo Boss? Was it 
                         Barbrady? Chef? Mr. Garrison?

               INT. EMERGENCY ROOM - NIGHT

               The doctor is standing over a patient, who is lying on an 
               operating table.

                                     DOCTOR
                         This man's appendix has burst. I 
                         have no choice but to operate now, 
                         with our limited power. I need you 
                         all to be strong for me.

               Chef and the boys are wearing scrubs and holding their hands 
               in the air. Stan is absolutely green with nausea.

                                     DOCTOR
                         Okay. Nurse Goodly will take care of 
                         anaesthesia. Chef, you'll act as her 
                         arms. Boys, you have to help with 
                         suction and bandages. Ready?

                                     STAN
                         No.

                                     DOCTOR
                         Okay, first I'll make an incision on 
                         the chest over the heart.

                                     STAN
                         Oh, boy.

               We see the scalpel cut open a good sized hole. Blood pours 
               out. Stan immediately pulls his mask off and barfs directly 
               into the patient's chest.

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, you barfed into the incision!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Sweet!

                                     DOCTOR
                              (Jumping up and down)
                         Suction!

               Kenny pulls the suction cup over the incision. SSSSLLLUURRPP.

               Suddenly, the lights begin to dim.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, who's screwing with the lights?!

               The narrator pops up.

                                     NARRATOR
                         Who IS screwing with the lights?
                              (Pictured:)
                         Is it Barbrady? Or Jimbo? Or the 
                         1991 Denver Broncos?

                                     CARTMAN
                         That is really starting to piss me 
                         off.

               INT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS

               Everyone is gathered around and drawing straws from Officer 
               Barbrady.

                                     JIMBO
                         Alright, so far everybody has a long 
                         piece of straw. We'll keep drawing...

               Jimbo pulls his straw out... It's pretty long. He sighs 
               relief.

               Mr. Garrison pulls his straw out... It's pretty long. He 
               sighs relief.

               The Mayor pulls a straw... It's pretty long. She sighs relief.

               Barbrady is left with the last piece... He opens his hand... 
               And there's ANOTHER long piece of straw.

                                     JIMBO
                         Whew!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Whew!

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Whew!

                                     JIMBO
                         Wait a minute... Where the hell is 
                         the short one?

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         The short what?

                                     JIMBO
                         Dammit, Barbrady! When you draw straws 
                         you're supposed to have one of 'em 
                         short, that's how you decide who 
                         loses!

               Barbrady thinks.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         That's not how I played it.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Ugh... Could we hurry this up, my 
                         stomach's growling!

               INT. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL - NIGHT

               The doctor enters with large blueprints of the hospital. Dim 
               back up lights are flickering.

                                     DOCTOR
                         I found a map that shows the location 
                         of a backup generator!

               He rolls out the blueprints.

                                     DOCTOR
                         Apparently they built a large, self-
                         sustaining generator for just this 
                         kind of emergency. But it's out and 
                         away from the hospital!

                                     CHEF
                         So how do we get to it?

                                     DOCTOR
                         We must split up into two teams. 
                         Team A and Team B.

               Everyone gathers around and listens closely.

                                     DOCTOR
                         Team A will consist of myself, Stan, 
                         Kyle, Eric, Chef, and Nurse Goodly. 
                         Team B will consist of Kenny.

               Kenny's eyes grow wide.

                                     DOCTOR
                              (To Kenny)
                         Now listen closely, team B. Your 
                         goal will be turn on the backup 
                         generator. To do this, you must brave 
                         the storm outside and get into this 
                         sewage duct.

               He points to these various areas on the blueprint.

                                     DOCTOR
                         Meanwhile, team A will go to the 
                         holding area... HERE. Where there is 
                         a television and some cocoa. We will 
                         drink the cocoa and watch family 
                         programming until Team B makes it 
                         through the sewage duct.

               Kenny looks suspicious.

                                     DOCTOR
                         By that time, team B (remember, that's 
                         you Kenny) should reach the outer 
                         core of the generator. It will be a 
                         cold and dangerous climb to the top, 
                         and there could be velociraptors 
                         HERE.

               Kenny panics.

                                     DOCTOR
                         Once you reach the top, you should 
                         be able to get a clear view through 
                         THIS window, of us drinking cocoa 
                         and watching television. Then you 
                         can proceed down into the generator 
                         and power it on. Are there any 
                         questions?

                                     CARTMAN
                         No, that sounds pretty sweet to me.

                                     DOCTOR
                         Right then, let's DO IT!! GO TEAM!!!

                                     KENNY
                         Hmph?

               EXT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS

               Everyone is lying on the dimly lit floor, looking as if they 
               haven't eaten for weeks.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         C... Can't go on... S-So H-hungry...

                                     MAYOR
                         We're all going to die in this 
                         horrible place.

                                     JIMBO
                         We have to have energy to make it 
                         through the night... We have to eat.

                                     DIRECTOR
                         How can we? How could we live with 
                         ourselves?

                                     JIMBO
                         There's only one answer... Eat Eric 
                         Roberts.

               Eric Roberts panics.

                                     MAYOR
                         Yes... Of course. Nobody gives a 
                         shit about Eric Roberts.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Eat Eric Roberts...

                                     ERIC ROBERTS
                         No!

               Everybody closes in on Eric Roberts.

                                     ERIC ROBERTS
                         No, PLEASE!!

                                         ACT III

               INT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS

               Eric Roberts, now nothing but a carcass, lies off to the 
               side. Everyone is quietly huddled around the fire.

                                     MAYOR
                         Well, there's no going back now... 
                         We're cannibals. God save us.

                                     JIMBO
                         God wants you to live, Mayor. Fight!

                                     ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
                         Well, I have to admit, Eric Roberts 
                         was much juicer than I expected.

                                     DIRECTOR
                         Aw!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         This snow just isn't letting up. 
                         We're going to die here, I know it.

                                     JIMBO
                         What time is it, Barbrady?

                                     BARBRADY
                              (Checking his watch)
                         It's almost midnight.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, I can't go on...

                                     JIMBO
                         We'll give the storm another hour. 
                         After that... We might have to eat 
                         again...

               DRAMATIC MUSIC.

                                     DIRECTOR
                         What?! Christ, are you people diabetic 
                         or something?!

               EXT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT

               Kenny crawls out of a small duct, covered with sewage. The 
               horrible storm blows around him in all directions, Kenny can 
               barely see.

               The doctor's voice blasts over Kenny's walkie talkie.

                                     DOCTOR
                         Team B... Come in, Team B.

                                     KENNY
                         Mph mh mphm B.

                                     DOCTOR
                         Listen, Team B, we've found another 
                         path to the generator. There's 
                         actually a nice, heated walkway to 
                         it, so you don't need to walk through 
                         all that sewage.

               Kenny looks down at his sewage covered body.

                                     KENNY
                              (Pissed)
                         Mph rmph rm rmphm!!!

                                     DOCTOR
                         Oh... Well forget I said that then. 
                         Listen, team B, you should be seeing 
                         a large drift of snow with some metal 
                         sticking out of it just to your 
                         left...

                                     KENNY
                         Mph, mpmh mphmh mm.

               Kenny spots the snow covered backup generator.

                                     DOCTOR
                         Good heads towards it, Team A out.

                                     CARTMAN
                         What if Mephesto never wakes up and 
                         I never find out who my father is?

               Little Kenny bravely treads through the deep snow, just as 
               the shadow of a velocoraptor runs by with a cry.

               EXT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS

               Everyone appears to be eating somberly. We see Eric Roberts's 
               nearly skeletal corpse, and next to it, the corpses of the 
               director and his assistant.

               The Mayor forks over some meat off of the assistant director.

                                     MAYOR
                         My God what a harrowing tale of human 
                         drama this is! All of us doing what 
                         we must to survive.

                                     JIMBO
                         It is amazing what people can do 
                         under stress. Just look at the 
                         pyramids nobody knows how they built 
                         those. Or who.

                                     NARRATOR
                         Who built the pyramids? Was it the 
                         Babylonians? Officer Barbrady? 
                         Samaritans?

               INT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT

               Everyone is gathered around Mephesto's bed. The power appears 
               to still be draining, as the lights dim, and electrical sounds 
               wurr down...

               EXT. BACK UP GENERATOR

                                     KENNY
                              (On his walkie)
                         Mmmph mmm mph.

               INT. HOSPITAL

                                     DOCTOR
                         Roger Team B. He's reached the backup 
                         generator. Team B can you see the 
                         two copper nodes?

               EXT. BACK UP GENERATOR

                                     KENNY
                              (On his walkie)
                         Mmmph mmm mph.

               INT. HOSPITAL

                                     DOCTOR
                         Good, now is there a wire connecting 
                         them?

               EXT. BACK UP GENERATOR

                                     KENNY
                         Mmm npm.

               INT. HOSPITAL

                                     DOCTOR
                         Damn. The wire connecting the nodes 
                         is gone. We need to complete the 
                         circuit between them or we're screwed.

                                     KYLE
                         Do you have any wire here?

                                     DOCTOR
                         There's no time. Once these lights 
                         flicker out. All the patients on 
                         life support are going to die.

               EXT. BACK UP GENERATOR

                                     KENNY
                         Mrmp mmme mrph.

               INT. HOSPITAL

                                     DOCTOR
                         No Kenny you can't. There must be 
                         some other way. He's going to make 
                         the connection himself with his hands.

                                     KYLE
                         No, he'll die!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Go Kenny.

                                     DOCTOR
                         Kenny... Nooooooo......

               EXT. BACK UP GENERATOR

               Kenny connects the lines with his hands and we see him light 
               up like a Christmas tree.

               INT. HOSPITAL

                                     STAN
                         Oh my God they've killed Kenny!

                                     KYLE
                         You bastards!

               Suddenly the power comes on!!!

                                     CHEF
                         The power!!

                                     DOCTOR
                         Quickly, get the scanner running 
                         again!!

               Everybody converges on Mephesto.

                                     DOCTOR
                         We've got a chance, now!!

               EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE ESTABLISHING

               INT. PRESIDENT'S BEDROOM

                                     PRESIDENT
                         Well okay Mrs. Cartman, I'll legalize 
                         fortieth trimester abortions for 
                         you.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Oh thank you, thank you.

                                     PRESIDENT
                         We'll have the pregnancy terminated 
                         immediately.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Terminated?

                                     PRESIDENT
                         Oh yes, that's what an abortion is.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Oh no, I didn't mean that. I meant 
                         the other thing you can do. What's 
                         that other "A" word?

                                     PRESIDENT
                         Adoption?

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Yes, that's what I mean. Adoption.

                                     PRESIDENT
                         Well that's pretty different.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Oh I should just tell my son the 
                         truth about everything myself. Good 
                         day Mr. President.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK

               The sun begins to rise.

               All over South Park, we see snow slowly melting as the sun's 
               rays drift over the land.

               A few birds come out and start singing as the light shows us 
               the town of South Park, half buried in snow.

               INT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT

               Mephesto's room, now lit by sunlight seems much more pleasant.

                                     DOCTOR
                         Well, we made it. The power is on, 
                         the snow is melting and your friend 
                         Mephesto is doing fine.

               Just then, Mephesto blinks his eyes open.

                                     MEPHESTO
                         Where... Where am I?

                                     CHEF
                         You're at the hospital, Mr. Mephesto. 
                         You were shot. Now we don't know who 
                         tried to shoot you, but --

                                     MEPHESTO
                         Oh, I'm sure it was my brother again. 
                         He tries to shoot me every month.

                                     CHEF
                         Oh.

                                     DOCTOR
                         Where is the little fat boy? He'll 
                         be delighted that Mephesto is awake.

                                     CHEF
                         He went off looking for Mr. Kenny.

               EXT. HOSPITAL - DAY

               Cartman, Stan and Kyle are on their knees in the snow.

                                     STAN
                         He was a good friend, and I'll miss 
                         him.

                                     KYLE
                         He was very brave... He risked his 
                         life so that Mephesto could live.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, and now he's a freezie-pop.

               Now we see that Kenny is standing in front of the boys, frozen 
               like Jack Nicholson in The Shining.

                                     STAN
                         Dude, do you think if we hit him 
                         with a shovel he'd shatter?

                                     KYLE
                         I dunno, let's find out.

               EXT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS

               A shovel appears through the snow. Jimbo squeezes his way 
               out and takes a deep breath of the crisp, morning air.

               One by one, the townspeople all step out of the building and 
               look up at the warm sun.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, it's over... We're free!

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Yes. But at what cost, Mr. Garrison? 
                         At what cost?

               A guilty hush falls over everyone.

                                     JIMBO
                         Listen everybody, we did what we had 
                         to in there.

                                     MAYOR
                         But... How will we live with ourselves 
                         now?

                                     NED
                         One day at a time, Mayor... One day 
                         at a time.

               The camera PULLS BACK up and over the snow capped mountains 
               as Aaron Neville sings 'Ave Maria'

                                     AARON NEVILLE
                         Aaaa... Ve Mariiiiii-aaaaa...

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well, I'm bringing home some Eric 
                         Roberts in a doggie bag, does anybody 
                         else want some?

                                                                  FADE OUT:

                                         EPILOGUE

               INT. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL - DAY

               Everyone is gathered in Mephesto's room much like they were 
               in the very first scene.

                                     MEPHESTO
                         I'm glad you all could come... I can 
                         finally reveal who the father of 
                         Eric Cartman is... But first, I want 
                         to thank Kenny McCormick for 
                         sacrificing his life...

                                     CARTMAN
                         JUST TELL US ALREADY!!!

                                     MEPHESTO
                         Alright, Alright, Alright. The father 
                         of Eric Cartman is... Say did anybody 
                         see that Terrance & Phillip special 
                         last month? Wasn't that just the 
                         funniest thing ever?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Goddamnit! Tell me who my father is!

               Everyone looks around nervously.

                                     MEPHESTO
                         Alright, as I said before, the father 
                         is somebody in this room... The father 
                         is --

               Cartman's eyes grow wide.

                                     MEPHESTO
                         MRS. CARTMAN!!!!

               HUGE STING - Everybody gasps, then looks confused.

                                     CHEF
                         What?!

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Yes... It's true.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         No, that doesn't make sense.

                                     MEPHESTO
                         Yes, it took quite a while for me to 
                         understand as well. You see, Mrs. 
                         Cartman is a hermaphrodite.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Meaning what?

                                     MEPHESTO
                         Meaning that she has both male and 
                         female genitals.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         It's true.

               Everybody looks sick. Cartman's head is reeling.

                                     CHEF
                         You mean that at the drunken barn 
                         dance... When we all got together 
                         with her she was a HE?

                                     MEPHESTO
                         No, no, not exactly, but she did 
                         have a penis.

               Everybody in the room throws up.

                                     MEPHESTO
                         The fact of the matter is, 
                         hermaphrodites cannot bear children, 
                         so Ms. Cartman's DNA match with Eric 
                         can only mean that SHE is his father. 
                         And she got another woman pregnant 
                         at the drunken barn dance.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh man this is fuckin' weak!!

                                     STAN
                         DUDE, you're a big fat ass, AND your 
                         mom's a hermaphlight!!

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         I'm sorry I never told you, Eric. I 
                         just thought maybe it would be a 
                         little shocking to you.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Sarcastic)
                         Oh wow, gee wiz you think so Ma?!

                                     MEPHESTO
                         Well, that's that. Thank you all for 
                         playing.

               Everybody starts walking away, dazed.

                                     CARTMAN
                         No No! Wait a minute! If she's my 
                         dad, then who's my mom?

               Pause...

                                     NARRATOR
                         Who is Eric Cartman's mother? Is it -- 
                         Ms. Crabtree? Sheila Broflovski? The 
                         Mayor?

                                     CARTMAN
                         OH FORGET IT!!

                                         THE END


Cartman's mom is still a dirty slut



Writers :   Trey Parker  David Goodman
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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