"CARTMAN JOINS NAMBLA"
[Kneey's house, day. Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny sit around
a Monopoly-type board game in Kenny's room]
Okay, Stan, I'm gonna you... a UFO crash-landing
card! You can deny it, or cover it
Dude, I don't understand this game at
It's "Investigative Reports with Bill
Curtis" funtime game. You have to decide
if you deny it or cover it up.
Um, deny it?
Okay, let's see what Bill Curtis says.
Hello, I'm Bill Curtis. Many believe
that the U.S. Government... covered it
up. I'm Bill Curtis.
Alright, Cartman. I'm gonna give you...
a jail-time card. You lose a turn.
Oh yeah?! Well, I'm gonna give you...
I just gave you AIDS.
Dude, that's not cool. Don't give Kyle
Kyle has AIDS, and now loses 47 turns
and 800 points.
Kenny, your dad and I are thinking about
having another baby. Wouldn't you like
to have another brother or sister?
We just might get workin' on it later
tonight, huh huh huh.
God-damnit, poor people suck! Your family
is already on welfare, and now they're
gonna bring another kid into the world.
Poor people are turning out babies,
adding to the overpopulation, and they're
expecting me to pay for it with my tax
You don't pay tax dollars, Cartman!
...You see. Gaw, this is just what I've
been talkin' about! I can't even relate
to you guys anymore because you're too
I've gotta start hanging out with friends
that are a little more intelligent,
and understand ...politics and stuff.
It's just that... I'm up on this level
up here , and all my friends are down
You don't know what you're talking about,
Nononono! Me h'myah , you guys myah!
— maybe a little mo down, down in hyah.
SCREW YOU GUYS, I'M GOING HOME.
I'm Bill Curtis.
[Cartman's house, a few minutes later. Cartman paces the floor
in his room. Next to him is a computer]
I've outgrown all my friends. I need
to meet more mature people, Clyde Frog.
Oh, great idea, Clyde Frog! I can
meet new friends on the Internet! Here's
a chat room: "Men Who Like Young Boys"
That's perfect. Hi everybody! I am
a young boy seeking an older male for
good times. I am eight years old and
would li- Wow! Look at all these guys
who wanna be my friend! I'll pick... Tony316.
Hi Tony. "So what are you into?"
Oh, you know, the usual stuff. Smiley-face.
"Kewl. Wanna get together? Smiley-face?"
Sure, Tony! That would be... kewl. Winking,
smiley, face. "Meet me at Mel's Buffet
restaurant tomorrow morning." Sounds
good. See you then! Clown hat, curly
hair, smiley-face. You see that, Clyde
Frog? Tomorrow I'm gaonna meet my first
[Mel's Buffet, next day. Cartman enters and approaches a man
seated alone in a booth.]
Hi, are you Tony?
Yeah. You're -Eric?
I brought you some candy.
And some books on Kama Sutra.
Neato! Having older friends kicks ass,
uh! You see, I've, I've really been
having a tough time. I've kind of matured
faster than my other friends ; we don't
really relate anymore, and, and uh,
alright uh, all my friends seem so childish
Yahahahah like having your back rubbed?
Heh, yeah! That feels real nice! Thanks.
Hold it right there, scumbag!
We monitored your little online chat.
Now you're coming with us!
What the hell just happened?
[Kenny's house, early morn. Kenny's tossing in bed, apparently
in a nightmare. His dreams are shown, and in each a parent carries
You can't eat, Kenny. We have to save
food for the baby.
Your mom and I are going out for a few
weeks, Kenny. Take care of the baby.
Kenny, you have to change the baby's
You have to share your room with the
[Kenny's house, living room sofa, later. Stuart is still trying
to get his wife in the mood]
Come on, let's go try to get you pregnant
(Dad, I wanna play catch.)
Huh? Uh, I'll play catch with your later,
(But I wanna play now!)
Oh, go ahead. We can make love afterwards.
[Kenny's house, front lawn. Kenny stands in the driveway and
Stuart stands in front of the tattered sofa]
Well alright, here comes a pop fly.
See if you can catch it! Good job.
Now throw me one. Ohp! Guhhogh!
Aw, he smacked me in the balls!
[Cartman's house, day. He's back at the computer in his room]
Okay, we'll try this again. Hi, everyone.
I am a young boy looking for fun times
with older male. I like to- Oh, this
one looks good: HungDaddy. Hello, HungDaddy.
"Hi. I'm eight and a hal inches." Damn,
dude, this guy's tiny. He must be a
dwarf. Sorry, I'm not interested in
being friends with midgets. Midgets
piss me off. Frowny face. Lemme see,
how about this one?
[The South Park docks, day. Cartman walks towards the end, where
a man in trench coat and baseball cap looks out over the water.]
You wanna be my friend?
That's cool, we can hang out. What do
you wanna do first?
Huh-uh, nothing! Nothing!
Alright, scumbag, we got you!
Hey uh, uh, uh. Good thing you guys
came. This... little boy was trying to
have his way with me.
Nice try, buddy! We monitored your little
online chat—now, you're coming with
Why the hell does the FBI keep arresting
all my friends? This has to be the work
of Stan and Kyle! God, I hate those
[South Park Clinic, day. Stan and Kyle stand before a picture
See? I told you, dude. Those are dialysis
machines. Old people have to hook themselves
into it with a tube, and it sucks all
their body fluids out.
Oh, man, that's terrible.
I know, hunh? Put your mouth against
the glass like this. Waaaaah!
Haha, he-yeah ha. Haaaaah.
Alright, just what the hell do you
guys think you're doing?!
We're making faces at sick people.
No! I mean, what the hell are you doing?!
Why are all my mature adult friends
being "mys-teriously" arrested, huh?!
We don't know.
I'll tell you why! Because you guys
are jealous and can't handle the fact
that you're immature, and so you've
started a government conspiracy against
We don't know what you're talking about,
Lardbut. Oh, that's so mature! Golly,
I guess I was wrong about you guys,
You're not more mature than us, Cartman!
YES I AM!!
[South Park Police Department, day. Mr. Garrison and Tony are
in the cell, and Officer Barbrady sits at a desk with his feet
I'm telling you, this is all a terrible
mistake, Officer Barbrady.
Well, the FBI said I have to hold you
here, so that's what I'm gonna do, Mr.
Do you like having your back rubbed.
Eat me, pervert!
We demand you release these men at once!
Who are you?
We are NAMBLA, the North American Man
Boy Love Association, and we heard about
these political prisoners you're keeping?
Political prisoners? No, these are child
Loving young boys has been around since
the time of the Romans, pal! There's
nothing wrong with it! We are an organization
dedicated to showing that sex between
a man and a young boy can be a beautiful
OTHER NAMBLA MEN
Uuuh, I don't know who you are, but
these men aren't going anywhere until
I hear from the FBI.
Hate mongerer! Hate mongerer!
OTHER NAMBLA MEN
Hate mongerer! Hate mongerer!
Okay people , I think you'd better move
along before I arrest more of you!
All these men wanted was to love a young
boy! There is nothing wrong with love!
I did not want love from a young boy!
I like men my own age. Aah! I mean,
I like women! What did I say?-Oh God!
I love titties!
You haven't heard the last of us, officer!
Together we are strong. Come on, men!
Wow, they've got activists for everything
[South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch, night. Dr. Mephesto and
Kevin are at a lab table]
I've done it, Kevin. I've successfully
spliced this chipmunk with a piece of
provolone chese. Do you know what this
means, Kevin? No more will the world
have to look in two different places
for squirrels and provolone cheese.
No more will mankind have to pick-
Who could that be? Why, it's little
Dr. Mephesto, I need help.
Well of course, come in.
You see, unfortunately I have matured
faster than all my friends. I wanna
hang out with older friends, but I can't
find any, so I was wondering if you
could genetically engineer some older
friends for me.
Oh, Eric, I'm afraid it's not that
simple. Genetic engineering has not
yet evolved to the state where I can
just make people.
Damnit! But I wanna hang out with older
Oh. Well, I happen to be a member of
an organization that can help you. It's
Yes. I have been a member for several
years. I'm sure they'd let you join.
You l-look about right.
Hokay, thanks, Dr. Mephesto!
[South Park Inn. "No Vacancy" "Welcome NAMBLA." Inside, the NAMBLA
leader speaks to the group in a meeting room. On either side
of him are portraits of men with boys on their laps. More picture
line the walls]
Fellow members of NAMBLA. As you know,
hn hn, we continue to be discriminated
against. Recently, the FBI has started
to arrest men, who are doing nothing
more than trying to start a sexual relationship
with a young boy.
And now that all ethnic groups, homosexuals
and womens are protected under civil-rights
laws, we want the same!
What we need is proof that young boys
want to be members of NAMBLA. That they
want love from us. We need a poster
child, to show the world that it is
a beautiful and wonderful thing and
a- Can we... help you?
Yes. I'd like to join your fine organization.
Is that cool?
Oho, thank you. Thank you, Jesus.
[South Park Clinic, day. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny stand before the
picture window. Stan and Kyle make blow faces again. The patients
are dismayed. Kenny soon makes a blow face. His parents walk
Well, Kenny, the doctor confirmed it.
I'm pregnant! You're gonna have a little
brother or sister.
Yup, it's for sure!
And he fixed my shattered left testicle,
Don't be out too late, Kenny. We need
to start movin' stuff out of your room.
Wow. Your mom's pregnant, Kenny.
Yeah. Now what are you going to do?
(I don't know. But I've gotta think
Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah! Nyanyanyanyah
nyah nyah! I got into NAMBLA and you
What are you talking about, fatass?
Oh, no big deal. I just found a group
called NAMBLA with adult members, and
they all think that I'm sure mature
they want me to be their new poster
child is all. It looks like I'm finally
gonna have mature friends who I can
relate to. Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah!
I'm too mature for you guys! Nyanyanyanyah
[South Park Pharmacy, day. Inside, a young blonde girl approaches
Can I help you, young lady?
(Yes. I'm looking for some morning-after
Oh, you want some morning-after abortion
pills. Well, they're right over there.
Uh, I'm sorry, young lady, but I can't
sell that to you without permission
from your parents.
Abort her Baby.
[he puts down the note] Oh, well, alrighty then. Cash or charge?
[Kenny's house, day. Kenny's in the kitchen mixing a drink. It
consists of cocoa, vodka, ...and the entire bottle of "Pregnant
No More" pills. All 999 of them. In a mug. He finishes, drops
down, and heads for the living room]
[Kenny's house, living room. Stuart reads the paper, and Mrs.McCormick
is knitting. Kenny enters with the mug]
(Look, Mom. I just fixed you a drink.)
Oh, well that's very sweet of you, Kenny.
You made my favorite drink for me.
But unfortunately, now that I'm pregnant,
I can't drink.
Well, I can still drink.
Ogh, that hits the spot. Makes me forget
all about my shattered balls. What?
Wwhat's the matter? Uh, why don't you
go make me another one of... of... Who-o-oa.
What's the matter?
Oh, God, I'm gonna crap my pants!
[Kenny's house, bathroom. A sign saying "CRAPPER SWEET CRAPPER"
hangs on the wall. Stuart drops his pants and briefs, hops on
the toilet, and starts crapping]
Oohhh, God! Oooh, my balls! Ooh, God
[Photo-Dojo, day. Members of NAMBLA surround the photographer
as he takes pictures.]
Just a few more pictures, Eric. You
make a perfect posture child.
Uh hey, Eric, we have a surprise for
you. We want to have a big dinner and
dance honoring you as our new poster
Yes, and and we you to um... invite all
your young male friends.
Oh. Well, sure. I have some friends
who want to be mature, excluding Stan
and Kyle, of course.
Great, hnn. You go invite your little
friends, and we'll get the hotel ready.
[Kenny's house, day. Kenny's on the sofa watching television.]
Kenny?? Don't forget to clean out your
room so we can paint it for the baby.
Hey, are you feeling down? You need
some excitement. And North Park Funland
has just opened its newest ride! The
John Denver Experience! You'll be Rocky
Mountain High with this, the most EXTREME,
INSANE RIDE EVER BUILT.
Note: people with heart conditions and
expectant mothers should not ride the
JOHN DENVER! Opne now! Come on down!
[North Park Funland, day. People file in. The McCormicks are
in line to go on the John Denver Experience]
Are you sure you should be going on
Oh, it's all right. You know, I thnk
maybe Kenny's been a little worried
about the new baby. We have to show
him that he's still our little boy.
Folks, please keep your hands and arms
inside the John Denver Experience at
all times. There's no sense in trying
to unloop at the latch at any time during
the ride here at the John Denver Experience.
What did he say? ...John Denver Experience.
[North Park Funland, John Denver Experience exit. Riders exit.
The McCormicks are the last ones out]
Oh, God, my nose! I think I broke my
Come on, Stuart, let's just get you
to a bathroom.
Oh, I'm not gonna make it. I'm gonna
be sick! Oh, my stuhomach! Oh, my
[South Park, day. Cartman runs into the boys in front of the
South Park Clinic]
Oh, Stan, Kyle, just the guys I wanted
to see! My NAMBLA organization is having
a very important benefit in my honor.
We're gonna have a big, mature party
at this hotel, and I can invite all
my mature friends that I want. And that
means I'm gonna invite everybody! Except
for you guys! Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah!
Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah!
We don't wanna go to some stupid adult
Well, that's nice, 'cause you can't
We don't wanna go!
You can't go.
We don't WANNA go!
No, you CAN'T go. Hey, Clyde, Butters,
check this out
Dude, maybe we do need to start being
Yeah. I guess we gotta try to get into
that club, too.
[Kenny's house, day. He is asleep again in his room. Another
nightmare appears. The scene is a delivery room at Hell's Pass
Hospital. Kenny's mom is about to give birth, and Dr. Doctor
is there with a nurse and Stuart]
You're doing fine, Ms. McCormick. It's
alright, Kenny. Come see the miracle
I can see its head!
Push, now. Push hard! Oh my God.
What is it??
Oh my God, it killed Kenny!
Bad baby, bad!
(Huh. Huh??) (That does it!)
[Kenny's house, living room. Mrs. McCormick is reading a book
when Kenny enters with he plunger]
Oh, hi Kenny. What are ya doin'? Uh
what are you doing, Kenny? Kenny, what
are you going to plunge?
Kenny, what the hell are you doing?!
[South Park Inn, day. Schmaltzy music plays as the camera looks
at a large sign that says "I LOVE NAMBLA HONORARY DINNER" and
has a picture of Eric posing under a spotlight at its center.
Present in the ballroom are Cartman, Butters, several other boys,
and the men they've partnered up with. The doors open and in
walk Stan and Kyle, with their partners.]
What the hell? Hey, what the hell
are you guys doing here?! This is for
mature people only!
We got invited too, fatass
Hunh. Well, I guess nowadays, they
allow any old schmucks into NAMBLA.
Fellow NAMBLA members, it is great
to see you all here. It seems like we
have finally found a city that won't
NAMBLA Member Oh, yeah. [others cheer]
First and foremost, I wanna recognize
Eric Cartman, for putting us in touch
with all of you pretty, young boys.
Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank
Now, I know that many of us have already
found partners in this fahine city,
and I'd like to take a minute to hear
some testimonials from members.
This is boring.
Yeah. HEY, WHEN ARE WE GONNA GET TO
SOME ACTION, HUH?
Ho, goodness! What a gift from God!
Aha ha, we'll... "get" ...to it very soon,
I assure you. But first, I'd just like
to hear from a couple of you on your
progress. Uh yes, Patrick.
Uh I, I found a little eight-year-old
named Buttehers. He's a beautiful ,
bright, little boy.
Well, uh I sure am, I guess.
And his skin is as soft as fresh linen.
That seems kind of... weird.
Well, my skin is ssspringtime sssoft,
Wonderful, heh hn. And how about you,
Well, I want to announce that I may
have found the dream boy of the decade.
He's sexy, sassy, and full of spunk.
His name is Timmy.
TIMMMIHH, tih, Timmih?
Wuhell, members, I know we're all eager
to get acquainted with our new partners
and, so why don't we turn down the lights
and start to dance!
Alright, I want those perverted bastards
all taken in. Got it?
Hello, NAMBLA members. As the South
Hold it right there!
Don't nobody move!
What's going on?
Alright, sickos. Where are the children?!
This... is... NAMBLA, right?
The North American Man/Boy Love Association?
What? No! We're the North American
Marlon Brando Look-Alikes.
Aw, crap! We got the wrong NAMBLA.
Aw, damnit, I'm in the wrong place.
Don't tell me that that other NAMBLA
is actually in South Park?!
You know of them?
Know of them? We've been fighting with
them for years over the rights to nambla.com!
Yeah, those perverted bastards!
Wow. You guys really do look a lot like
Thank you. Now, let's go get those othe
NAMBLA bastards before they hurt any
of South Park's children!
And let's kick their asses for stealin'
our domain name!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
[South Park Inn, evening. NAMBLA members and their boys are still
dancing. The NAMBLA leader stpes up to the podium]
Alright, members, that's enough of
that. It's time for all of us to retire
to our respective rooms, and get to
know our new young boys.
Dude. Being mature is boring!
Everyone come up and grab your room
keys and we'll head upstairs, hm hm.
[South Park Inn, upstairs. French music begins to play, and the
men and boys appear at the top of the stairs and go to their
respective rooms. After a few moments...]
Dude! I think these guys mean to have
sexual encounters with us!
I know, dude! Let's get the hell out
Aah! There's more of them! Quick, hide!
Alright, Marlon Brandos, they've got
to be here somewhere. Let's try this
Let's get those perverts!
Kenny, no! Leave me alone
(Come here, mom! Let me get it!)
Zis time, I will not drop zeh food.
It's clear. The cops are gone. Where's
I think the boys went in here.
Maybe the boys are in here. Oh bo-oys?
Kenny, GIVE IT UP!
Alright, you're under arrest!
No! You've got the wrong NAMBLA again!
Hey, we didn't try that room!
[South Park Inn, a room. The boys are safe, but tired]
Dude! We're surrounded by perverts.
They're all over the place.
What are we gonna do?!
Well, Cartman, you got everybody into
this, you have to figure out a way to
get everybody out.
Uuh, that's, that's fine. I know how
to get us out.
Well, look. Those perverts aren't going
to rest until they've made love to one
of us. Right? So,... somebody's just gonna
have to go out there and and... take one
for the team. And I think, in all fairness,
it should be Butters.
Huh?? Uh-uh well, huh, why me?
Now, are you a team player or not?!
Well, sure, u-uh I'm a team player-uh,
Well, Butters, there is no I in "team."
Huh-you mean to expect me to go out
there and let all those... huhu-horny
old men... have their way with my fragile
person?? Well just what team is this
Just go, Butters. We're running out
Well uuh-uuh-alright then.
Heh, he's such a dumba-a-ass.
[South Park Inn, hallway. Butters is there all alone]
Well, alright men. Here, here I come.
I'm ready to take one for the team.
Kenny?! Kenny, I've had enough of your
Oh, one of the boys just came in.
What the-? No, wait, no, WAH, NO, WAAAAAH!
[South Park Inn, outside. The inn has been cleared, so everyone
stands outside. An ambulance awaits a victim, who is soon on
Are you alright, Stuart?
Don't touch me! I've had my nuts broken,
body poisoned, have been made love to
in the ass by three dozen 40-year-old
men—I just wanna go home and take a,
a hot bath!
We've been after you for a long time,
buddy! Do you know your rights?
Rights? Does anybody know their rights?
You see, I've learned something today.
Our forefathers came to this country
because... they believed in an idea. An
idea called "freedom." They wanted to
live in a place where a group couldn't
be prosecuted for their beliefs. Where
a person can live the way he chooses
to live. You see us as being perverted
because we're different from you. People
are afraid of us, because they don't
understand. And sometimes it's easier
to persecute than to understand.
Dude. You have sex with children.
We are human. Most of us didn't even
choose to be attracted to young boys.
We were born that way. We can't help
the way we are, and if you all can't
understand that, well, then, I guess
you'll just have to put us away.
Dude. You have sex with children.
Yeah. You know, we believe in equality
for everybody, and tolerance, and all
that gay stuff, but dude, fuck you.
Alright, that's enough. You're all going
to be put away for a long time.
Don't you think you owe everyone an
apology for bringing NAMBLA here?
Alright, alright, I'm sorry I almost
got you guys all raped. There.
And now, do you still think that you
need to hang out with older, mature
No, I guess you guys will blossom into
maturity someday. Just don't take too
Okay, let's roll.
[Hell's Pass Hospital, Delivery Room. Mrs. McCormick has a new
baby in her arms, and Stuart looks at it with her]
Dr. Flores, dial 18-
Coo, cootchy-coo, coohoohoohoo, cootchy-coo.
Our little angel, yes.
Oh, he's so beautiful. I know it's been
hard on both of us losing poor Kenny.
But this new baby kind of reminds me
What should we name him?
Well, seeing as though Kenny passed
away, maybe we should name him ah,...
Yes. Kenny's such a great name. My little
Kenny, a brand-new Kenny.
God, this must be the fiftieth time
this has happened.
Cartman Joins NAMBLA
Writers : Trey Parker
Genres : Animation Comedy