The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb)


The web's largest
movie script resource!

Search IMSDb

Alphabetical
# A B C D E F G H
I J K L M N O P Q
R S T U V W X Y Z

Genre
Action Adventure Animation
Comedy Crime Drama
Family Fantasy Film-Noir
Horror Musical Mystery
Romance Sci-Fi Short
Thriller War Western

Sponsor

TV Transcripts
Futurama
Seinfeld
South Park
Stargate SG-1
Lost
The 4400

International
French scripts

Movie Software
DVD ripper software offer
Rip from DVD
Rip Blu-Ray

Latest Comments
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10
Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10
Batman Begins9/10
Collateral10/10
Jackie Brown8/10

Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 405


                                "CARTMAN JOINS NAMBLA"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [Kneey's house, day. Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny sit around 
               a Monopoly-type board game in Kenny's room]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, Stan, I'm gonna you... a UFO crash-landing 
                         card!  You can deny it, or cover it 
                         up.
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, I don't understand this game at 
                         all.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         It's "Investigative Reports with Bill 
                         Curtis" funtime game. You have to decide 
                         if you deny it or cover it up.
 
                                     STAN
                         Um, deny it?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, let's see what Bill Curtis says. 
                         
 
                                     ELECTRONIC HEAD
                          Hello, I'm Bill Curtis. Many believe 
                         that the U.S. Government... covered it 
                         up. I'm Bill Curtis.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Alright, Cartman. I'm gonna give you... 
                         a jail-time card.  You lose a turn.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Sweet.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh yeah?! Well, I'm gonna give you... 
                         AIDS! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         What?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I just gave you AIDS.

                                     KYLE
                         AIDS?! 

                                     STAN
                         Dude, that's not cool. Don't give Kyle 
                         AIDS.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Kyle has AIDS, and now loses 47 turns 
                          and 800 points. 
 
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Kenny, your dad and I are thinking about 
                         having another baby. Wouldn't you like 
                         to have another brother or sister?
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (No.)

                                     STUART
                          We just might get workin' on it later 
                         tonight, huh huh huh. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         God-damnit, poor people suck! Your family 
                         is already on welfare, and now they're 
                         gonna bring another kid into the world. 
                         Poor people are turning out babies, 
                         adding to the overpopulation, and they're 
                         expecting me to pay for it with my tax 
                         dollars.
 
                                     STAN
                         You don't pay tax dollars, Cartman! 
                         You're eight!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         ...You see.  Gaw, this is just what I've 
                         been talkin' about! I can't even relate 
                         to you guys anymore because you're too 
                         immature!
 
                                     KYLE
                         What?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I've gotta start hanging out with friends 
                         that are a little more intelligent, 
                         and understand ...politics and stuff. 
                         It's just that... I'm up on this level 
                         up here , and all my friends are down 
                         here .
 
                                     KYLE
                         You don't know what you're talking about, 
                         fatass!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Nononono! Me h'myah , you guys myah! 
                          — maybe a little mo down, down in hyah. 
                          SCREW YOU GUYS, I'M GOING HOME. 
 
                         
                                     ELECTRONIC HEAD
                         I'm Bill Curtis.

               [Cartman's house, a few minutes later. Cartman paces the floor 
               in his room. Next to him is a computer]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I've outgrown all my friends. I need 
                         to meet more mature people, Clyde Frog. 
                          Oh, great idea, Clyde Frog!  I can 
                         meet new friends on the Internet!  Here's 
                         a chat room: "Men Who Like Young Boys" 
                          That's perfect.  Hi everybody! I am 
                         a young boy seeking an older male for 
                         good times. I am eight years old and 
                         would li-  Wow! Look at all these guys 
                         who wanna be my friend! I'll pick... Tony316. 
                          Hi Tony.  "So what are you into?"  
                         Oh, you know, the usual stuff. Smiley-face. 
                          "Kewl. Wanna get together?  Smiley-face?" 
                          Sure, Tony! That would be... kewl. Winking, 
                         smiley, face.  "Meet me at Mel's Buffet 
                         restaurant tomorrow morning."  Sounds 
                         good. See you then! Clown hat, curly 
                         hair, smiley-face.  You see that, Clyde 
                         Frog? Tomorrow I'm gaonna meet my first 
                         mature friend!
 
               [Mel's Buffet, next day. Cartman enters and approaches a man 
               seated alone in a booth.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hi, are you Tony? 

                                     TONY
                         Yeah. You're -Eric?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah! 

                                     TONY
                          I brought you some candy.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Wow, cool!

                                     TONY
                          And some books on Kama Sutra.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Neato! Having older friends kicks ass, 
                         uh! You see, I've, I've really been 
                         having a tough time. I've kind of matured 
                         faster than my other friends ; we don't 
                         really relate anymore, and, and uh, 
                         alright uh, all my friends seem so childish 
                         now.
 
                                     TONY
                         Yahahahah like having your back rubbed?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Heh, yeah! That feels real nice! Thanks. 
                         
 
                                     AGENT
                         Hold it right there, scumbag!

                                     TONY
                          Huh?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Huh?

                                     AGENT
                          We monitored your little online chat. 
                          Now you're coming with us! 
 
                                     TONY
                          No! 

                                     CARTMAN
                          What the hell just happened?

               [Kenny's house, early morn. Kenny's tossing in bed, apparently 
               in a nightmare. His dreams are shown, and in each a parent carries 
               a baby]
 
                                     MOM
                         You can't eat, Kenny. We have to save 
                         food for the baby.
 
                                     DAD
                         Your mom and I are going out for a few 
                         weeks, Kenny. Take care of the baby.
 
                         
                                     MOM
                         Kenny, you have to change the baby's 
                         diapers!
 
                                     DAD
                         You have to share your room with the 
                         baby!
 
                                     MOM
                         The baby.

                                     DAD
                         The baby!

                                     MOM
                         The baby!!

                                     KENNY
                          (HAAAAAAAAGH!) 

               [Kenny's house, living room sofa, later. Stuart is still trying 
               to get his wife in the mood]
 
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                          Stop it!

                                     STUART
                         Come on, let's go try to get you pregnant 
                         again.
 
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Oh, alright. 

                                     KENNY
                         (Dad, I wanna play catch.)

                                     STUART
                         Huh? Uh, I'll play catch with your later, 
                         son.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (But I wanna play now!)

                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Oh, go ahead. We can make love afterwards.
 
                         
                                     STUART
                         Aw, alright.

               [Kenny's house, front lawn. Kenny stands in the driveway and 
               Stuart stands in front of the tattered sofa]
 
                                     STUART
                         Well alright, here comes a pop fly. 
                         See if you can catch it!  Good job. 
                         Now throw me one.  Ohp! Guhhogh! 
 
                         
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                          What happened?!

                                     STUART
                         Aw, he smacked me in the balls! 

                                     KENNY
                          (Woohoo!) 

               [Cartman's house, day. He's back at the computer in his room]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, we'll try this again.  Hi, everyone. 
                         I am a young boy looking for fun times 
                         with older male. I like to-  Oh, this 
                         one looks good: HungDaddy.  Hello, HungDaddy. 
                          "Hi. I'm eight and a hal inches." Damn, 
                         dude, this guy's tiny. He must be a 
                         dwarf.  Sorry, I'm not interested in 
                         being friends with midgets. Midgets 
                         piss me off. Frowny face.  Lemme see, 
                         how about this one?
 
               [The South Park docks, day. Cartman walks towards the end, where 
               a man in trench coat and baseball cap looks out over the water.]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                          Mister Hammerhead?

                                     MR. HAMMERHEAD
                          Hi there.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Mr. Garrison??

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Haah! Eric!

                                     CARTMAN
                         You wanna be my friend?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, crap!

                                     CARTMAN
                         That's cool, we can hang out. What do 
                         you wanna do first?
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Huh-uh, nothing! Nothing! 

                                     AGENT
                         Alright, scumbag, we got you!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Hey uh, uh, uh. Good thing you guys 
                         came. This... little boy was trying to 
                         have his way with me.
 
                                     AGENT
                         Nice try, buddy! We monitored your little 
                         online chat—now, you're coming with 
                         us! 
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         No-o!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Why the hell does the FBI keep arresting 
                         all my friends? This has to be the work 
                         of Stan and Kyle! God, I hate those 
                         guys!
 
               [South Park Clinic, day. Stan and Kyle stand before a picture 
               window.]
 
                                     KYLE
                         See? I told you, dude. Those are dialysis 
                         machines.  Old people have to hook themselves 
                         into it with a tube, and it sucks all 
                         their body fluids out.
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh, man, that's terrible.

                                     KYLE
                         I know, hunh? Put your mouth against 
                         the glass like this.  Waaaaah! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Haha, he-yeah ha.  Haaaaah.

                                     KYLE
                          Bleuh-leuh-leuh-leuh-leuh.

                                     STAN
                          Blaaa-lalalalalalala.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Alright, just what the hell do you 
                         guys think you're doing?!
 
                                     STAN
                          We're making faces at sick people.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         No! I mean, what the hell are you doing?! 
                         Why are all my mature adult friends 
                         being "mys-teriously" arrested, huh?! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         We don't know.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'll tell you why! Because you guys 
                         are jealous and can't handle the fact 
                         that you're immature, and so you've 
                         started a government conspiracy against 
                         me!
 
                                     KYLE
                         We don't know what you're talking about, 
                         lardbutt.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Lardbut. Oh, that's so mature! Golly, 
                         I guess I was wrong about you guys, 
                         huh?!
 
                                     STAN
                         You're not more mature than us, Cartman!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         YES I AM!! 

               [South Park Police Department, day. Mr. Garrison and Tony are 
               in the cell, and Officer Barbrady sits at a desk with his feet 
               up]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I'm telling you, this is all a terrible 
                         mistake, Officer Barbrady.
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Well, the FBI said I have to hold you 
                         here, so that's what I'm gonna do, Mr. 
                         Complainy Pants.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         O-ogh! 

                                     TONY
                         Do you like having your back rubbed.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Eat me, pervert!

                                     TONY
                         Okay. 

                                     MAN
                         We demand you release these men at once!
 
                         
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Who are you?

                                     MAN
                         We are NAMBLA, the North American Man 
                         Boy Love Association, and we heard about 
                         these political prisoners you're keeping?
 
                         
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Political prisoners? No, these are child 
                         molesters.
 
                                     MAN
                         Loving young boys has been around since 
                         the time of the Romans, pal! There's 
                         nothing wrong with it! We are an organization 
                         dedicated to showing that sex between 
                         a man and a young boy can be a beautiful 
                         thing!
 
                                     OTHER NAMBLA MEN
                          Yeah, uh-huh.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                          Uuuh, I don't know who you are, but 
                         these men aren't going anywhere until 
                         I hear from the FBI.
 
                                     MAN
                         Hate mongerer! Hate mongerer!

                                     OTHER NAMBLA MEN
                         Hate mongerer! Hate mongerer!

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Okay people , I think you'd better move 
                         along before I arrest more of you!
 
                         
                                     MAN
                         All these men wanted was to love a young 
                         boy!  There is nothing wrong with love!
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I did not want love from a young boy! 
                         I like men my own age.  Aah! I mean, 
                         I like women! What did I say?-Oh God! 
                         I love titties!
 
                                     MAN
                         You haven't heard the last of us, officer! 
                         Together we are strong.  Come on, men! 
                         
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                          Wow, they've got activists for everything 
                         these days.
 
               [South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch, night. Dr. Mephesto and 
               Kevin are at a lab table]
 
                                     DR. MEPHESTO
                         I've done it, Kevin. I've successfully 
                         spliced this chipmunk with a piece of 
                         provolone chese.  Do you know what this 
                         means, Kevin? No more will the world 
                         have to look in two different places 
                         for squirrels and provolone cheese. 
                         No more will mankind have to pick-  
                         Who could that be?  Why, it's little 
                         Eric Cartman.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Dr. Mephesto, I need help.

                                     DR. MEPHESTO
                         Well of course, come in.

                                     CARTMAN
                          You see, unfortunately I have matured 
                         faster than all my friends. I wanna 
                         hang out with older friends, but I can't 
                         find any, so I was wondering if you 
                         could genetically engineer some older 
                         friends for me.
 
                                     DR. MEPHESTO
                          Oh, Eric, I'm afraid it's not that 
                         simple. Genetic engineering has not 
                         yet evolved to the state where I can 
                         just make people.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Damnit! But I wanna hang out with older 
                         guys!
 
                                     DR. MEPHESTO
                         Oh. Well, I happen to be a member of 
                         an organization that can help you. It's 
                         called, NAMBLA.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         NAMBLA?

                                     DR. MEPHESTO
                         Yes. I have been a member for several 
                         years. I'm sure they'd let you join. 
                         You l-look about right.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hokay, thanks, Dr. Mephesto! 

                                     DR. MEPHESTO
                         Sure!

               [South Park Inn. "No Vacancy" "Welcome NAMBLA." Inside, the NAMBLA 
               leader speaks to the group in a meeting room. On either side 
               of him are portraits of men with boys on their laps. More picture 
               line the walls]
 
                                     MAN
                          Fellow members of NAMBLA. As you know, 
                         hn hn, we continue to be discriminated 
                         against. Recently, the FBI has started 
                         to arrest men, who are doing nothing 
                         more than trying to start a sexual relationship 
                         with a young boy.
 
                                     MEMBERS
                         Awwww.

                                     NAMBLA LEADER
                         And now that all ethnic groups, homosexuals 
                         and womens are protected under civil-rights 
                         laws,  we want the same!
 
                                     MEMBERS
                          Yeah.

                                     EAGER MAN
                         Yeh-hehah-hah.

                                     NAMBLA LEADER
                         What we need is proof that young boys 
                         want to be members of NAMBLA. That they 
                         want love from us. We need a poster 
                         child, to show the world that it is 
                         a beautiful and wonderful thing and 
                         a-  Can we... help you?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes. I'd like to join your fine organization. 
                         Is that cool?
 
                                     NAMBLA LEADER
                         You... do?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Sure.

                                     NAMBLA LEADER
                          Oho, thank you. Thank you, Jesus.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          ...Sweet.

               [South Park Clinic, day. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny stand before the 
               picture window. Stan and Kyle make blow faces again. The patients 
               are dismayed. Kenny soon makes a blow face. His parents walk 
               up]
 
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Well, Kenny, the doctor confirmed it. 
                         I'm pregnant! You're gonna have a little 
                         brother or sister.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (No!!) 

                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Yup, it's for sure!

                                     STUART
                         And he fixed my shattered left testicle, 
                         too!
 
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Don't be out too late, Kenny. We need 
                         to start movin' stuff out of your room. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Wow. Your mom's pregnant, Kenny.

                                     STAN
                         Yeah. Now what are you going to do?
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (I don't know. But I've gotta think 
                         of something.) 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah! Nyanyanyanyah 
                         nyah nyah! I got into NAMBLA and you 
                         gu-uys didn't!
 
                                     KYLE
                         What are you talking about, fatass?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, no big deal. I just found a group 
                         called NAMBLA with adult members, and 
                         they all think that I'm sure mature 
                         they want me to be their new poster 
                         child is all.  It looks like I'm finally 
                         gonna have mature friends who I can 
                         relate to. Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah! 
                         I'm too mature for you guys! Nyanyanyanyah 
                         nyah nyah! 
 
               [South Park Pharmacy, day. Inside, a young blonde girl approaches 
               the counter.]
 
                                     PHARMACIST
                         Can I help you, young lady?

                                     KENNY
                          (Yes. I'm looking for some morning-after 
                         abortion-)
 
                                     PHARMACIST
                         Oh, you want some morning-after abortion 
                         pills. Well, they're right over there. 
                         
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Thanks.) 

                                     PHARMACIST
                         Uh, I'm sorry, young lady, but I can't 
                         sell that to you without permission 
                         from your parents. 
 
               I Hereby

               Give My

               Daughter

               Permission to

               Abort her Baby.

               - Mother

               [he puts down the note] Oh, well, alrighty then. Cash or charge?
 
               
                                     KENNY
                         (Cash.)

               [Kenny's house, day. Kenny's in the kitchen mixing a drink. It 
               consists of cocoa, vodka, ...and the entire bottle of "Pregnant 
               No More" pills. All 999 of them. In a mug. He finishes, drops 
               down, and heads for the living room]
 
               [Kenny's house, living room. Stuart reads the paper, and Mrs.McCormick 
               is knitting. Kenny enters with the mug]
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Look, Mom. I just fixed you a drink.) 
                         
 
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Oh, well that's very sweet of you, Kenny. 
                         You made my favorite drink for me.
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Here.) 

                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         But unfortunately, now that I'm pregnant, 
                         I can't drink.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (What?)

                                     STUART
                         Well, I can still drink. 

                                     KENNY
                         (No! Daddy!) 

                                     STUART
                         Ogh, that hits the spot. Makes me forget 
                         all about my shattered balls.  What? 
                         Wwhat's the matter? Uh, why don't you 
                         go make me another one of... of...  Who-o-oa.
 
                         
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         What's the matter?

                                     KENNY
                         (Uh oh.)

                                     STUART
                         Oh, God, I'm gonna crap my pants! 
 
                         
               [Kenny's house, bathroom. A sign saying "CRAPPER SWEET CRAPPER" 
               hangs on the wall. Stuart drops his pants and briefs, hops on 
               the toilet, and starts crapping]
 
                                     STUART
                         Oohhh, God!  Oooh, my balls!  Ooh, God 
                         
 
               [Photo-Dojo, day. Members of NAMBLA surround the photographer 
               as he takes pictures.]
 
                                     NAMBLA MEMBER
                         Just a few more pictures, Eric. You 
                         make a perfect posture child.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Thanks, dude. 

                                     NAMBLA LEADER
                          Uh hey, Eric, we have a surprise for 
                         you. We want to have a big dinner and 
                         dance honoring you as our new poster 
                         child.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Really? Awesome!

                                     NAMBLA LEADER
                         Yes, and and we you to um... invite all 
                         your young male friends. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh. Well, sure. I have some friends 
                         who want to be mature,  excluding Stan 
                         and Kyle, of course.
 
                                     NAMBLA LEADER
                         Great, hnn. You go invite your little 
                         friends, and we'll get the hotel ready.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         KIIICK ASS!

               [Kenny's house, day. Kenny's on the sofa watching television.]
 
               
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                          Kenny?? Don't forget to clean out your 
                         room so we can paint it for the baby. 
                         
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                          Hey, are you feeling down? You need 
                         some excitement. And North Park Funland 
                         has just opened its newest ride! The 
                         John Denver Experience!  You'll be Rocky 
                         Mountain High with this, the most EXTREME, 
                         INSANE RIDE EVER BUILT.
 
                                     TWO GUYS
                          It was-

                                     GUY 1
                          -fun.

                                     GUY 2
                          -fun.

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Note: people with heart conditions and 
                         expectant mothers should not ride the 
                         JOHN DENVER! Opne now! Come on down!
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Mom!) 

               [North Park Funland, day. People file in. The McCormicks are 
               in line to go on the John Denver Experience]
 
                                     STUART
                         Are you sure you should be going on 
                         this thing?
 
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Oh, it's all right.  You know, I thnk 
                         maybe Kenny's been a little worried 
                         about the new baby. We have to show 
                         him that he's still our little boy. 
                         
 
                                     OPERATOR
                          Folks, please keep your hands and arms 
                         inside the John Denver Experience at 
                         all times. There's no sense in trying 
                         to unloop at the latch at any time during 
                         the ride here at the John Denver Experience. 
                         Have fun.
 
                                     STUART
                         What did he say?  ...John Denver Experience.
 
                         
               [North Park Funland, John Denver Experience exit. Riders exit. 
               The McCormicks are the last ones out]
 
                                     STUART
                         Oh, God, my nose! I think I broke my 
                         nose!
 
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Come on, Stuart, let's just get you 
                         to a bathroom.
 
                                     STUART
                         Oh, I'm not gonna make it. I'm gonna 
                         be sick!  Oh, my stuhomach!  Oh, my 
                         nose!  Augh! 
 
               [South Park, day. Cartman runs into the boys in front of the 
               South Park Clinic]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, Stan, Kyle, just the guys I wanted 
                         to see! My NAMBLA organization is having 
                         a very important benefit in my honor.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         They are?

                                     CARTMAN
                         We're gonna have a big, mature party 
                         at this hotel, and I can invite all 
                         my mature friends that I want. And that 
                         means I'm gonna invite everybody! Except 
                         for you guys! Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah! 
                         Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah!
 
                                     STAN
                          We don't wanna go to some stupid adult 
                         meeting anyway!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, that's nice, 'cause you can't 
                         go.
 
                                     KYLE
                         We don't wanna go!

                                     CARTMAN
                         You can't go.

                                     KYLE
                         We don't WANNA go!

                                     CARTMAN
                         No, you CAN'T go.  Hey, Clyde, Butters, 
                         check this out
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, maybe we do need to start being 
                         more mature.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. I guess we gotta try to get into 
                         that club, too.
 
               [Kenny's house, day. He is asleep again in his room. Another 
               nightmare appears. The scene is a delivery room at Hell's Pass 
               Hospital. Kenny's mom is about to give birth, and Dr. Doctor 
               is there with a nurse and Stuart]
 
                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         You're doing fine, Ms. McCormick.  It's 
                         alright, Kenny. Come see the miracle 
                         of life. 
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Eeww.)

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         I can see its head!

                                     MS. MCCORMICK
                         You can?

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         Push, now. Push hard!  Oh my God. 
 
                         
                                     MS. MCCORMICK
                         What is it?? 

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                          It's ali- 

                                     STUART
                         Oh my God, it killed Kenny!

                                     MS.MCCORMICK
                         Bad baby, bad!

                                     KENNY
                          (Huh. Huh??)  (That does it!) 

               [Kenny's house, living room. Mrs. McCormick is reading a book 
               when Kenny enters with he plunger]
 
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                          Oh, hi Kenny. What are ya doin'?  Uh 
                         what are you doing, Kenny?  Kenny, what 
                         are you going to plunge?
 
                                     KENNY
                          (AAAARRRRHHH!)

                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Aaaaaaah!  AAAAA! 

                                     STUART
                         Kenny, what the hell are you doing?! 
                         
 
               [South Park Inn, day. Schmaltzy music plays as the camera looks 
               at a large sign that says "I LOVE NAMBLA HONORARY DINNER" and 
               has a picture of Eric posing under a spotlight at its center. 
               Present in the ballroom are Cartman, Butters, several other boys, 
               and the men they've partnered up with. The doors open and in 
               walk Stan and Kyle, with their partners.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          What the hell?  Hey, what the hell 
                         are you guys doing here?! This is for 
                         mature people only!
 
                                     STAN
                         We got invited too, fatass

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hunh.  Well, I guess nowadays, they 
                         allow any old schmucks into NAMBLA.
 
                         
                                     NAMBLA LEADER
                          Fellow NAMBLA members, it is great 
                         to see you all here. It seems like we 
                         have finally found a city that won't 
                         oppress us.
 
               NAMBLA Member	Oh, yeah. [others cheer]

                                     NAMBLA LEADER
                         First and foremost, I wanna recognize 
                         Eric Cartman, for putting us in touch 
                         with all of you pretty, young boys.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Thank you. Thank you very much.  Thank 
                         you.
 
                                     NAMBLA LEADER
                         Now, I know that many of us have already 
                         found partners in this fahine city, 
                         and I'd like to take a minute to hear 
                         some testimonials from members.
 
                                     STAN
                         This is boring.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah.  HEY, WHEN ARE WE GONNA GET TO 
                         SOME ACTION, HUH?
 
                                     MEMBER 1
                         Ho hohohoho

                                     MEMBER 2
                         Woohoohoohoohoo. 

                                     NAMBLA LEADER
                          Ho, goodness! What a gift from God! 
                         Aha ha, we'll... "get" ...to it very soon, 
                         I assure you. But first, I'd just like 
                         to hear from a couple of you on your 
                         progress. Uh yes, Patrick.
 
                                     PATRICK
                         Uh I, I found a little eight-year-old 
                         named Buttehers. He's a beautiful , 
                         bright, little boy.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well, uh I sure am, I guess.

                                     PATRICK
                         And his skin is as soft as fresh linen. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                          That seems kind of... weird.

                                     PATRICK
                         Well, my skin is ssspringtime sssoft, 
                         I suppose.
 
                                     NAMBLA LEADER
                         Wonderful, heh hn. And how about you, 
                         Mr. Harris?
 
                                     MR. HARRIS
                          Well, I want to announce that I may 
                         have found the dream boy of the decade. 
                         He's sexy, sassy, and full of spunk. 
                         His name is Timmy.
 
                                     TIMMY
                         TIMMMIHH, tih, Timmih?

                                     NAMBLA LEADER
                         Wuhell, members, I know we're all eager 
                         to get acquainted with our new partners 
                         and, so why don't we turn down the lights 
                         and start to dance! 
 
                                     LEAD AGENT
                         Alright, I want those perverted bastards 
                         all taken in. Got it?
 
                                     AGENTS
                         Got it!

                                     MEPHESTO
                          Hello, NAMBLA members. As the South 
                         Park representative- 
 
                                     LEAD AGENT
                          Hold it right there!

                                     AGENT 1
                         Freeze!

                                     AGENT 2
                         Don't nobody move!

                                     MEPHESTO
                         What's going on? 

                                     LEAD AGENT
                         Alright, sickos. Where are the children?! 
                         
 
                                     MEPHESTO
                         What children?

                                     LEAD AGENT
                         This... is... NAMBLA, right?

                                     MEPHESTO
                         Yes.

                                     LEAD AGENT
                         The North American Man/Boy Love Association?
 
                         
                                     MEPHESTO
                          What? No!  We're the North American 
                         Marlon Brando Look-Alikes. 
 
                                     BLOND AGENT
                         Aw, crap! We got the wrong NAMBLA.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Aw, damnit, I'm in the wrong place. 
                         
 
                                     MEPHESTO
                         Don't tell me that that other NAMBLA 
                         is actually in South Park?!
 
                                     LEAD AGENT
                         You know of them?

                                     BLOND MEMBER
                         Know of them? We've been fighting with 
                         them for years over the rights to nambla.com!
 
                         
                                     BRUNET MEMBER
                         Yeah, those perverted bastards!

                                     BLOND AGENT
                         Wow. You guys really do look a lot like 
                         Marlon Brando.
 
                                     MEPHESTO
                         Thank you. Now, let's go get those othe 
                         NAMBLA bastards before they hurt any 
                         of South Park's children!
 
                                     MEMBERS
                         Yeah! Yeah!

                                     BLACK MEMBER
                         And let's kick their asses for stealin' 
                         our domain name!
 
                                     MEMBERS
                         Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

               [South Park Inn, evening. NAMBLA members and their boys are still 
               dancing. The NAMBLA leader stpes up to the podium]
 
                                     NAMBLA LEADER
                          Alright, members, that's enough of 
                         that.  It's time for all of us to retire 
                         to our respective rooms, and get to 
                         know our new young boys. 
 
                                     MEMBER 3
                         All right.

                                     MEMBER 4
                         Alright.

                                     KYLE
                         Dude. Being mature is boring!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah.

                                     NAMBLA LEADER
                         Everyone come up and grab your room 
                         keys and we'll head upstairs, hm hm.
 
                         
               [South Park Inn, upstairs. French music begins to play, and the 
               men and boys appear at the top of the stairs and go to their 
               respective rooms. After a few moments...]
 
                                     THE BOYS
                         Aaaaah! 

                                     STAN
                         Dude! I think these guys mean to have 
                         sexual encounters with us!
 
                                     KYLE
                         I know, dude! Let's get the hell out 
                         of here! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Aah! There's more of them! Quick, hide! 
                         
 
                                     MEPHESTO
                         Alright, Marlon Brandos, they've got 
                         to be here somewhere. Let's try this 
                         room. 
 
                                     LEAD AGENT
                         Let's get those perverts! 

                                     WAITER
                         Sacre blue! 

                                     THE BOYS
                         Whoa! 

                                     MRS.MCCORMICK
                          Kenny, no! Leave me alone 

                                     KENNY
                         (Come here, mom! Let me get it!) 

                                     STUART
                         Kenny?? 

                                     WAITER
                         Zis time, I will not drop zeh food. 
                          Allo!
 
                                     NAMBLA LEADER
                         It's clear. The cops are gone. Where's 
                         the boys?! 
 
                                     WAITER
                          Sacre bleu! 

                                     MEPHESTO
                         I think the boys went in here. 

                                     THE BOYS
                          Aaaaaah!

                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih! 

                                     NAMBLA LEADER
                         Maybe the boys are in here. Oh bo-oys? 
                         
 
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Kenny, GIVE IT UP!

                                     KENNY
                         (Come on!) 

                                     WAITER
                          Waaah!

                                     LEAD AGENT
                         Alright, you're under arrest!

                                     MEPHESTO
                         No! You've got the wrong NAMBLA again!
 
                         
                                     LEAD AGENT
                         Damnit!

                                     AGENT
                         Hey, we didn't try that room! 

                                     WAITER
                          Sacre bleu. 

               [South Park Inn, a room. The boys are safe, but tired]

                                     KYLE
                          Dude! We're surrounded by perverts.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         They're all over the place.

                                     TIMMY
                         Timmiihhh!

                                     TOKEN
                          What are we gonna do?!

                                     STAN
                         Well, Cartman, you got everybody into 
                         this, you have to figure out a way to 
                         get everybody out.
 
                                     THE BOYS
                         Yeah.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Uuh, that's, that's fine. I know how 
                         to get us out.
 
                                     KYLE
                         How?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, look. Those perverts aren't going 
                         to rest until they've made love to one 
                         of us. Right? So,... somebody's just gonna 
                         have to go out there and and... take one 
                         for the team.  And I think, in all fairness, 
                         it should be Butters. 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Huh?? Uh-uh well, huh, why me?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Now, are you a team player or not?!
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well, sure, u-uh I'm a team player-uh, 
                         I guess.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, Butters, there is no I in "team."
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Huh-you mean to expect me to go out 
                         there and let all those... huhu-horny 
                         old men... have their way with my fragile 
                         person?? Well just what team is this 
                         anyway?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Just go, Butters. We're running out 
                         of time.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well uuh-uuh-alright then. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Heh, he's such a dumba-a-ass.

               [South Park Inn, hallway. Butters is there all alone]

                                     BUTTERS
                         Well, alright men. Here, here I come. 
                          I'm ready to take one for the team. 
                         
 
                                     STUART
                          Kenny?! Kenny, I've had enough of your 
                         shenanigans! 
 
                                     NAMBLA LEADER
                          Oh, one of the boys just came in. 
 
                         
                                     STUART
                         What the-? No, wait, no, WAH, NO, WAAAAAH! 
                         
 
               [South Park Inn, outside. The inn has been cleared, so everyone 
               stands outside. An ambulance awaits a victim, who is soon on 
               a stretcher]
 
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                          Are you alright, Stuart?

                                     STUART
                          Don't touch me! I've had my nuts broken, 
                         body poisoned, have been made love to 
                         in the ass by three dozen 40-year-old 
                         men—I just wanna go home and take a, 
                         a hot bath! 
 
                                     LEAD AGENT
                          We've been after you for a long time, 
                         buddy! Do you know your rights?
 
                                     NAMBLA LEADER
                         Rights? Does anybody know their rights? 
                         You see, I've learned something today. 
                          Our forefathers came to this country 
                         because... they believed in an idea. An 
                         idea called "freedom." They wanted to 
                         live in a place where a group couldn't 
                         be prosecuted for their beliefs. Where 
                         a person can live the way he chooses 
                         to live.  You see us as being perverted 
                         because we're different from you. People 
                         are afraid of us, because they don't 
                         understand. And sometimes it's easier 
                         to persecute than to understand. 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Dude. You have sex with children.

                                     NAMBLA LEADER
                         We are human. Most of us didn't even 
                         choose to be attracted to young boys. 
                         We were born that way. We can't help 
                         the way we are, and if you all can't 
                         understand that, well, then, I guess 
                         you'll just have to put us away. 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          Dude. You have sex with children.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah. You know, we believe in equality 
                         for everybody, and tolerance, and all 
                         that gay stuff, but dude, fuck you.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Seriously.

                                     LEAD AGENT
                         Alright, that's enough. You're all going 
                         to be put away for a long time. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well, Cartman

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, what?

                                     KYLE
                         Don't you think you owe everyone an 
                         apology for bringing NAMBLA here?
 
                         
                                     THE BOYS
                         Yeah!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Alright, alright, I'm sorry I almost 
                         got you guys all raped. There.
 
                                     STAN
                         And now, do you still think that you 
                         need to hang out with older, mature 
                         friends?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No, I guess you guys will blossom into 
                         maturity someday. Just don't take too 
                         long. 
 
                                     PARAMEDIC
                         Okay, let's roll. 

               [Hell's Pass Hospital, Delivery Room. Mrs. McCormick has a new 
               baby in her arms, and Stuart looks at it with her]
 
                                     NURSE
                          Dr. Flores, dial 18-

                                     STUART
                         Coo, cootchy-coo, coohoohoohoo, cootchy-coo.
 
                         
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Our little angel, yes.

                                     STUART
                         Oh, he's so beautiful. I know it's been 
                         hard on both of us losing poor Kenny. 
                         But this new baby kind of reminds me 
                         of him. 
 
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         What should we name him?

                                     STUART
                         Well, seeing as though Kenny passed 
                         away, maybe we should name him ah,... 
                         Kenny.
 
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Yes. Kenny's such a great name. My little 
                         Kenny, a brand-new Kenny.
 
                                     STUART
                         God, this must be the fiftieth time 
                         this has happened.
 
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Fifty-second.

               THE END

Cartman Joins NAMBLA



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


User Comments







Index    |    Submit    |    Links    |    Link to us    |    RSS Feeds    |    Disclaimer    |    Privacy policy