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                                        SOUTH PARK

                                       Episode 101 

                               "CARTMAN GETS AN ANAL PROBE"

                                            By

                                 Matt Stone & Trey Parker

                

               EXT. SCHOOL BUS STOP - MORNING

               STAN, KYLE AND KENNY wait in the snow for their school bus, 
               holding their lunch boxes and debating.

                                     KIDS
                              (Singing)
                         School days school days, teacher's
                         golden-

               Kyle's little brother, IKE, bounces into frame.

                                     KYLE
                         -Ah damn it, my little brother's 
                         trying to follow me to school again.

               IKE tries to talk.

                                     IKE
                         BaBa Simi

                                     KYLE
                         Ike, you can't come to school with 
                         me!

                                     IKE
                         BaBa Simi ba baa.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, go home you little dildo.

                                     KYLE
                         Dude! Don't call my brother a dildo.

                                     STAN
                         What's a dildo?

                                     KYLE
                         I don't know... and I'll bet Cartman 
                         doesn't know either!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I know what it means!

                                     KYLE
                         Well, what?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         ...I'm not telling you.

                                     STAN
                         What's a dildo, Kenny?

               Kenny talks, but we can't understand him through his thick 
               coat.

                                     KENNY
                         Mph rmph phrmph m phrmph mmr.

               The boys all laugh.

                                     CARTMAN
                         HA YEAH! THAT'S WHAT KYLE'S LITTLE 
                         BROTHER IS ALRIGHT!!

               Suddenly, Kyle grabs Ike by the feet, swings him around, and 
               bashes Cartman in the face.

                                     CARTMAN
                         OW!

                                     STAN
                         Dude that kicks ass!

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah! Check this one out!
                              (to Ike)
                         Ready Ike? Kick the baby

                                     IKE
                         Don't kick the baby.

                                     KYLE
                         Kick the baby.

               Kyle kicks his brother down the icy road.

                                     IKE
                         Wahhhhh!

               Ike shoots down the road with a playful scream, and crashes 
               head first into a group of mail boxes.

               Cartman yawns grotesquely.

                                     STAN
                         Whoa, Cartman, looks like you didn't 
                         get much sleep last night.

                                     CARTMAN
                         That's 'cause I was having these 
                         bogus nightmares.

                                     KYLE
                         Really, what about?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, I dreamt that I was lying in 
                         my bed... In the dark...

               INT. CARTMAN'S BEDROOM - DREAM SEQUENCE

               Cartman is lying in his bed.

                                     CARTMAN(V.O.)
                         ...When all of a sudden this bright 
                         blue light filled the room.

               A bright light fills the room.

                                     CARTMAN
                         And slowly my bedroom door began to 
                         open... And then the next thing I 
                         remember, I was being drug through a 
                         hallway!

               INT. ALIEN SHIP - DREAM SEQUENCE

               Cartman is being dragged by his ankles down a dark, organic 
               corridor like the one seen in 'Fire In The Sky'.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Then I was lying on a table, and 
                         these scary aliens wanted to operate 
                         on me!  And they had big heads... 
                         And big black eyes-

               EXT. BUSSTOP - (REALITY)

               The boys are listening to Cartman's story with wide eyes and 
               open mouths. Even little Ike is enthralled.

                                     STAN
                         Dude! Visitors!

                                     KYLE
                         Totally!

                                     CARTMAN
                         What?

                                     STAN
                         That wasn't a dream, Cartman, those 
                         were visitors!

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Nervous)
                         No, it was just a dream. My mom said 
                         so!

                                     STAN
                         Visitors are real!

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, they abduct people and they 
                         mutilate cows!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ah shut up, you guys, you're just 
                         trying to make me scared, and it's 
                         not working.

               A large Chevy screeches to a halt. CHEF gets out of the car 
               and approaches the kids.

                                     CHEF
                         Hello there, children.

                                     KIDS
                         Hey, Chef.

                                     STAN
                         What's gonna be for lunch today, 
                         Chef?

                                     CHEF
                         Well, today it's Salisbury steak 
                         with buttered noodles and a choice 
                         of green bean casserole or vegetable 
                         medley.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Kick ass!

                                     CHEF
                         Say, did any of you children see the 
                         alien spaceship last night?

                                     CARTMAN
                         HUH?!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, fat boy saw it!

                                     CARTMAN
                         No! Th-That was just a dream! And 
                         I'm NOT fat, I'm big-boned.

                                     CHEF
                              (To Cartman)
                         Oh, was it the ones with the big 
                         long heads and the black eyes?

                                     CARTMAN
                              (PETRIFIED)
                         AH!

                                     STAN
                         They took him on their ship!

                                     CHEF
                         Ooh... Did they give you an anal 
                         probe?

                                     CARTMAN
                         AGH!

                                     STAN
                         What's an anal probe?

                                     CHEF
                         That's when they put this big metal 
                         hoop-a-joo up your butt.

                                     KYLE
                         Woa! They gave you an anal probe, 
                         Cartman?

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Defensive)
                         No! I mean... Uh... Why would they 
                         do that?

                                     STAN
                         Dude, they DID huh? Aliens stuck 
                         stuff up your ass!

                                     CARTMAN
                         NO!

                                     IKE
                         Ana Pobe!

                                     CARTMAN
                         SHUT UP, DILDO!

                                     CHEF
                         Well, I gotta get to the cafeteria.  
                         You children watch that fat boy now, 
                         he could be under alien control.

               Chef turns to get back in his car and Cartman notices that 
               the back of Chef's shirt has an EXACT image of the alien he 
               saw, and the word 'Believe'.

               CHEF peels off.

                                     KYLE
                         We told you they were real Cartman.  
                         Sorry to hear about your ass.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Extremely angry)
                         God Dammit, they didn't do anything 
                         to my ass! It was just a dream!

               The school bus pulls up and the boys start getting on.

                                     KYLE
                         Why are you walking so funny, Cartman?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Shut up!

               Little Ike tries to follow his brother onto the bus.

                                     IKE
                         I'll bla bblaa blaa

                                     KYLE
                         No, Ike! Go home!

               Kyle gets ready to kick his brother.

                                     IKE
                         Bla Wa Wah

                                     KYLE
                         This is it!! This one's for the game.

                                     IKE
                         Bllaa aaahh haah

                                     KYLE
                         Kick the baby.

               Kyle kicks his brother through the school bus window, and 
               Ike flies into a snowbank.

               The boys quickly get on the bus. Ike pulls his head out of 
               the snow and looks around for his brother.

               INT. SCHOOL BUS - MORNING

               The kids walk past their mean old bus driver, MS. CRABTREE.

                                     STAN
                         Good morning, Ms. Crabtree.

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         Sit down! We're running late!

               Stan and Kyle walk to the back of the bus and take their 
               seats. Cartman and Kenny sit up a few rows. Kyle looks out 
               the back window to see Ike still standing at the bus stop.

                                     KYLE
                         Dammit, he's still there!

                                     STAN
                         Oh, don't worry about him.

                                     KYLE
                         No, dude, if something happens to 
                         him my parents are gonna blame me!

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         SIT DOWN BACK THERE!! AAHHHH!!!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, whatever you fat bitch.

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

                                     STAN
                         I said I have a bad itch.

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         Oh.

               Stan and Kyle sit down and the school bus moves on. Kyle 
               turns around one last time to look at his brother.

                                     KYLE
                         OH MY GOD!!!!

               EXT. BUSSTOP - DAY

               A group of VISITORS, with large heads and almond shaped eyes, 
               surround Ike.

               INT. - BUS

                                     KYLE AND STAN
                         VISITORS!

               Scared, Kenny pulls his hood shut.

                                     KENNY
                         Mph mprmhpm bmarmphs!

                                     KYLE
                         Ike!!!

               EXT. BUSSTOP - DAY

               The visitors lead Ike to a large space craft hidden in the 
               trees.

               INT. BUS

                                     KYLE
                         STOP THE BUS!

               Kyle runs to the front of the bus.

                                     KYLE
                         Ms. Crabtree, you have to stop this 
                         bus!

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         Do you want an office referral?!

                                     KYLE
                              (SCARED)
                         No.

                                     MS.CRABTREE
                         Then sit down!

                                     KYLE
                         But I....

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         AAHH!!!

                                     KYLE
                         AAHHH!!!!!

                                     MS. CRABTREE & KYLE
                         AAHHHH!!!!!

               Kyle runs to the back of the bus and hopelessly looks out 
               the back window again just in time to see the spaceship take 
               off.

                                     STAN
                         Cartman, are those the same Visitors 
                         you saw?!

               Cartman isn't looking. He still thinks this is all a big 
               joke.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Shut up, you guys, it's not working.

                                     KYLE
                         We have to do something!

                                     STAN
                         Well, we can't do anything for now.  
                         That fat bitch won't let us.

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

                                     STAN
                         I-I said that rabbits eat lettuce.

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         Oh...
                              (Pause)
                         Well, yes, they certainly do.

               Ms. Crabtree turns the schoolbus violently and the children 
               go flying everywhere screaming.

                                     KYLE
                         What am I going to do? My little 
                         brotherís been abducted by aliens.

               Stan farts.

                                     KYLE
                         You farted!

               The kids laugh.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Somebody's baking brownies.

               We see the alien space ship leave the planet.

               EXT. CATTLE RANCH - DAY

                                     CATTLE RANCHER
                         That's the third cow this month, at 
                         this rate all my cattle are gonna 
                         die before the Winter's through.

               The cows look up with concern.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         This is nothing out of the unusual.  
                         Cows turn themselves inside out all 
                         the time.

               The cows shake their heads.

                                     CATTLE RANCHER
                         People been sayin' they've been seeing 
                         UFO's around.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         UFO's?? Ha Ha.

                                     CATTLE RANCHER
                         Yea, and black army CIA helicopters 
                         and trucks.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         That is the silliest thing I've ever 
                         heard.

               Just then black army helicopters fly by.

                                     CATTLE RANCHER
                         What was that?

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         That, that was a pigeon.

                                     CATTLE RANCHER
                         What am I supposed to do Barbrady?  
                         Just stand here and watch my cattle 
                         get mutilated one by one?

               We see the aliens with grass in their hands whistling to the 
               cows.

                                     CATTLE RANCHER
                         Hey, my cattle!! You see there is 
                         something funny going on.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         There's nothing funny going on. I'll 
                         get those cows back.

               INT. CLASSROOM - SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         And now children, our friend Mr. Hat 
                         is going to tell us about Christopher 
                         Columbus.

               Mr. Garrison has a ridiculous little puppet on his right 
               hand that wears a striped hat.

                                     MR. HAT
                         That's right Mr. Garrison.  
                         Christopher Columbus discovered 
                         America, and was the Indians best 
                         friend. He helped the Indians win 
                         their war against Frederick Douglas, 
                         and, and freed the Hebrews from 
                         Napoleon, and discovered France.

                                     KYLE
                              (TO STAN)
                         Oh man, I can't just sit here! I 
                         have to help my stupid brother or 
                         I'll come home without him and my 
                         dad will start yelling - "Where's 
                         your brother, Kyle!" "You weren't 
                         looking out for your little brother 
                         Kyle!"

                                     STAN
                         Okay, okay, let's ditch school and 
                         go find him-

                                     KYLE
                         "You know he can't think on his own, 
                         Kyle. Brush and Floss, Kyle!" "Where 
                         has that finger been, Kyle?!"

                                     STAN
                         DUDE!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Is there a problem, boys?

                                     KYLE
                         Yes, Mr. Garrison, I have to go now.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh really, Kyle? What is it this 
                         time?  Another prostate tumor?

                                     KYLE
                         No, my little brother has been 
                         abducted by aliens.

               Mr. Garrison stares blankly at Kyle.

                                     KYLE
                         It's true! Ask Cartman, they gave 
                         him an anal probe!  

               Cartman looks around at the other children, extremely 
               embarrassed, and finally forces a little laugh as if to say 
               it's all a little joke.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Uhh.. Huh, huh... That's a little 
                         joke.

               Kyle steps to the front of class.

                                     KYLE
                         Mr. Garrison, seriously, I HAVE to 
                         go!  Can I PLEASE be excused from 
                         class?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I don't know, Kyle. Did you ask Mr.  
                         Hat?

               Kyle looks down at the stupid puppet on Garrison's hand.

                                     KYLE
                         I don't want to ask Mr. Hat, I'm 
                         asking YOU!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, I think you should ask Mr. Hat.

                                     KYLE
                              (SIGHING)
                         Mr. Hat, may I please be excused 
                         from class?...

               Mr. Garrison shoves his puppeted hand violently in Kyle's 
               face, and changes his voice.

                                     MR.HAT
                         Well Kyle, NO! You hear me? You go 
                         to hell, you go to hell and you die!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Hmm, guess you'll have to take your 
                         seat, Kyle.

                                     KYLE
                         Dammit!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ha, ha! Mr. Hat yelled at you!

               Just then, Cartman farts a HUGE fireball.

                                     CARTMAN
                         AAAGHH!! Ow, my ass!

                                     STAN
                         Damn Cartman!

               He farts another fire ball.

                                     CARTMAN
                         OW! OWWW MY ASS!!

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, he's farting fire!

                                     STAN
                              (pointing to Cartman)
                         It's the alien anal probe! It's 
                         shooting fire from Cartman's rectum!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         No, that was just a dream!

               Cartman farts another flame.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Eric, do you need to sit in the corner 
                         until your flaming gas is under 
                         control?

                                     CARTMAN
                         No, Mr. Garrison. I'm fine.

               Cartman farts a HUG fireball which burns PIP, a little english 
               boy.

                                     PIP
                         OWWWW!!!!!

               The class watches as their classmate runs out in flames.

               ACT II

               EXT. TRAIN CROSSING - DAY

               A train is passing by and the cows are standing in line trying 
               to get on.

                                     TRAIN ENGINEER
                         Hey, you cows can't get on this train, 
                         this is a people train. You cows 
                         have no business on a people train, 
                         alright, 'cause you're cows.

               The cows stare at the engineer.

                                     TRAIN ENGINEER
                         No, no no, don't try any of that cow 
                         hypnosis on me alright, 'cause it's 
                         not going to work!!!  

               Just then, Officer Barbrady drives up with his sirens on.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Hold it right there cows.

               Cows start to stampede away from Barbrady.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Come back here!

               INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA - DAY

               The kids are all in line for lunch. Cartman farts a huge 
               fireball.

                                     CARTMAN
                         OOOOWWWW!!! Ooh, I sure am hungry.

                                     STAN
                         How can you eat when you're farting 
                         fire?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Shut up, dude. You're being totally 
                         immature.

                                     KYLE
                         Hey look! There's Wendy Testaburger!

                                     STAN
                         Where?

               Adorable little WENDY TESTABURGER steps into the lunch line. 
               ZOOM in on Stan who is absolutely in love. Little Hearts 
               form all around his head - and Tchaikovsky's 'Romeo and 
               Juliet' swells up.

               The other boys see Stan's reaction and laugh.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Singing)
                         Stan wan-ts to ki-ss Wen-dy 
                         Testaburger

                                     STAN
                         Shut up Fat Ass! I don't even like 
                         her!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm not fat - And you obviously like 
                         her, because you throw up every time 
                         she talks to you!

                                     STAN
                         I do not!

               Wendy walks up to the boys.

                                     WENDY
                         Hi guys.

                                     KYLE AND CARTMAN
                         Hi Wendy.

                                     WENDY
                         Here Stan, this is for you.

               Wendy hands Stan a note.  Stan VOMITS VIOLENTLY all over 
               himself.

                                     WENDY
                         Ew!

                                     KYLE AND CARTMAN
                         Bye Wendy.

               Wendy walks away.

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, what does the note say?!

               Stan opens the note and reads it.

                                     STAN
                         Holy crap!  It says she wants to 
                         meet ME at Starks Pond after school.

                                     KYLE
                         Whoa, maybe you can kiss her.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Or slip her the tongue.

                                     KENNY
                         Mmmph mrrr mff Mrmmph

                                     STAN
                         What? How do you know she has a cat?

               After a painfully long pause, the boys all laugh.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I get it.

                                     KYLE
                         C'mon you guys, we need to figure 
                         out how to get out of school so we 
                         can get my little brother back!

               The boys make it to the front of the line, where Chef is 
               handing lunch trays to the boys and girls.

                                     CHEF
                         Hello there children.

                                     KIDS
                         Hey, Chef.

                                     CHEF
                         How are you doing?

                                     KYLE
                         Bad.

                                     CHEF
                         Why bad?

                                     KYLE
                         Chef, have you ever had something 
                         happen to you... But nobody believed 
                         you?

                                     CHEF
                         Aw, children, children, that's a 
                         problem we've ALL had to face at 
                         some time or another. Here, let me 
                         sing you a little song... It might 
                         clear things up.

               Music swells up.

                                     CHEF
                              (SINGING)
                         I'm gonna make love to you woman, 
                         gonna lay you down by the fire - And 
                         caress your womanly body, make you 
                         moan and perspire,

                                     STAN
                         Ah Chef, Chef.

                                     CHEF
                         Gonna get those juices flowin'

                                     STAN
                         Chef.

                                     CHEF
                         We're making love gravy, love gravy,

                                     STAN
                         Chef!!!!!

                                     CHEF
                         Love, love, love.... GRAVY!!!-

                                     STAN
                         -CHEF!!

               The music stops.

                                     CHEF
                         Huh, do you feel better?

                                     KYLE
                         No!

                                     CHEF
                         Oh, come on children, what can be so 
                         bad? It's Salisbury steak day!

                                     STAN
                         Visitors took Kyle's baby brother.

                                     CHEF
                         WHAT?!

               Chef runs around the counter and kneels down by the kids.

                                     CHEF
                              (Whispering)
                         Well what the hell are you doing in 
                         school, eating Salisbury steak?! Go 
                         find him, dammit!

                                     STAN
                         Mr. Garrison won't let us out of 
                         school. He thinks we're making it 
                         up.

                                     CARTMAN
                         You ARE making it up!

               Just then, Cartman farts another fireball. But this time, a 
               long, metal object emerges from his ass. It opens like a 
               robotic eye and looks around.

                                     STAN
                         Woa!

                                     CARTMAN
                         What?

               The eye looks around, blinks, then closes itself and zips 
               back into Cartman's ass.

                                     KYLE
                         That was cool!

               Chef spins Cartman around and looks at his ass.

                                     CHEF
                         It's some kind of sembiodic 
                         metamorphosis device. This could 
                         mean the visitors want to communicate 
                         with us!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, I see, now YOU'RE going to join 
                         in on the little joke, huh?

                                     CHEF
                         It's no joke children, this is big!

                                     KYLE
                              (pleading)
                         Please Chef, if I don't get out of 
                         school and get my little brother 
                         back from the aliens, my parents are 
                         gonna disown me.

               Chef thinks for a second.

                                     CHEF
                         Ah, hold on now... You got to help 
                         the children!

                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys sure are going a long way 
                         to try to scare me. I WANT MY 
                         SALISBURY STEAK!!!

               Chef pulls the fire alarm.

                                     CHEF
                         Fire Drill!!! Fire Drill, everybody 
                         out. Okay children, this is your 
                         chance.

               The boys all take off.

                                     STAN
                         Killer, thanks Chef.

                                     CHEF
                         Man oh man, first contact with the 
                         alien visitors. I've got to get myself 
                         ready...

               EXT. LITTLE TOWN - SOUTH PARK

               Kids are singing.

                                     KIDS
                         We got out of school... No more school 
                         today... We got out of school.

               Cartman farts a fire ball.

                                     CARTMAN
                         OHHHH - YOU GUYS, MY ASS!! SERIOUSLY.

                                     STAN
                         Okay, Cartman, you can stop farting 
                         fire now.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I would if I could you son of a bitch!

                                     KYLE
                         Okay, so how do we get my little 
                         brother back?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Would you stop going on about your 
                         little brother?! I KNOW it was just 
                         a dream! I KNOW I didn't have an 
                         anal probe! And I KNOW that I'm not 
                         under alien control!!!

               Suddenly, there is a loud BZAP!!! Cartman's expression 
               completely changes.

               His eyes widen - and his mouth curls into a false smile.  
               Strange 30's music starts to play from nowhere and Cartman 
               starts to sing (although his voice isn't his own)

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Singing)
                         I love to sing-a! About the moon-a 
                         and the Juna and the spring-a! I 
                         love to sing-a!

               Stan and Kyle look on, perplexed.

                                     CARTMAN
                         About a sky of blue or a tea for 
                         two.

               Just as suddenly as it started, the music stops and Cartman 
               goes back to his normal self. The boys all stare at each 
               other. Cartman looks absolutely baffled.

                                     STAN
                         What the hell was that?!

                                     KYLE
                         He is under alien control. That thing 
                         in his butt is linked up to the 
                         visitors.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, son of a bitch.

                                                           ACT III FADE OUT

               FADE IN

                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys shut up, I'm not under alien 
                         control.

               Kyle walks up to Cartman's ear and starts screaming in it.

                                      

                                     KYLE
                         HEY!! IF YOU VISITORS CAN HEAR ME --
                         BRING ME BACK MY LITTLE BROTHER GOD 
                         DAMMIT!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ow! That hurts, you butt licker!

               Suddenly, a small alien scout ship flies by.

                                     STAN
                         KYLE, LOOK! It's them!

               Kyle picks a rock up off the ground.

                                     KYLE
                         GIVE ME BACK MY BROTHER!

               Kyle throws the rock at the UFO. DING! The UFO stops and 
               fires a yellow ray at the boys.

               The ray hits Kenny, and blows him back several yards.  Kenny 
               lands with a horrible bone breaking CRUNCH!

                                     STAN
                         Oh my God!! They killed Kenny!

                                     KYLE
                         YOU BASTARDS!! COME BACK HERE!! COME 
                         BAAAAACK!

               But the little UFO's disappear into the sky.

                                     KYLE
                         DAMMIT! We were so close!

                                     STAN
                         Hey, look - I think Kenny's okay!

               Kenny manages to pick himself up off the ground. He looks 
               pretty bad, but he might be-

               Just then the cows come stampeding through and run over Kenny.

                                     KENNY
                         Mff mrrr mph VWOOM!!

               Officer Barbrady's car races through frame and runs over 
               Kenny.  The boys walk over to Kenny's bleeding body.

                                     STAN
                         Wow, poor Kenny.

                                     KYLE
                         Now do you believe us Cartman?

                                     CARTMAN
                         No!

                                     STAN
                         Cartman, they KILLED Kenny!

                                     CARTMAN
                         He's not dead.

                                     STAN
                         Dude, Kenny is dead! See?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Shut up, you guys.

                                     KYLE
                              (Pulling Kenny's head 
                              off)
                         He's DEAD, Cartman.

                                     CARTMAN
                         GOD DAMMIT I DIDN'T HAVE AN ANAL 
                         PROBE!!!

               There is a long pause.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Screw you guys, I'm going home!  

               Cartman walks away.

                                     KYLE
                         Go on and go home you Fat Chicken!

                                     CARTMAN (O.S.)
                         Dildo!

                                     KYLE
                         You're all I have left, Stan.

                                     STAN
                         Sorry dude, I gotta go meet Wendy 
                         Testaburger.

                                     KYLE
                         You can't! Poor Ike must be so 
                         scared... Up there all alone... You 
                         gotta help me dude!

                                     STAN
                         Dude, like Chef says, I gotta get a 
                         piece of loving while the gettin's 
                         hot.

               Stan walks away.

               Rats come into frame and feast on Kenny's dead body.

                                     KYLE
                         Rats!

               INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - DUSK

               Cartman walks into his house and is greeted by his overly 
               pleasant MOTHER.

                                     MRS. CARTMAN
                         Hello Eric.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hi Mom.

                                     MRS. CARTMAN
                         How are you doing?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, I'm pissed off.

                                     MRS. CARTMAN
                         Here, I made you powder doughnut 
                         pancake surprise.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't want powder doughnut pancake 
                         surprise! All the kids at school 
                         call me fat!

                                     MRS. CARTMAN
                         You're not fat, you're big boned.

                                     CARTMAN
                         That's what I said.

                                     MRS. CARTMAN
                         You can have an eency weency bit 
                         can't you?

                                     CARTMAN
                         NO!

                                     MRS. CARTMAN
                         Just a weency eency woo woo.

                                     CARTMAN
                         NO leave me alone mom!

                                     MRS. CARTMAN
                         How about a nice chocolate chicken 
                         potpie, then?

                                     CARTMAN
                         What? Well that does sound pretty 
                         good.

               Cartman sits down at the couch and turns on the T.V.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh, Mom?

                                     MRS. CARTMAN
                         Yes, hon?

                                     CARTMAN
                         If anybody calls or comes over - I'm 
                         not here, okay?

                                     MRS. CARTMAN
                         Sure, hon. You want some Cheesy Poofs 
                         too?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yea I want Cheesy Poofs!

               EXT. STARK'S POND - AFTERNOON

               Stan and Kyle are standing at Stark's pond.

                                     KYLE
                         Well, looks like she's not gonna 
                         show up, Stan. Let's go look for the 
                         visitors now.

                                     STAN
                         But her note said she'd be here!

                                     WENDY
                         Hi Stan.

               Wendy appears from frame left. Stan immediately vomits all 
               over himself.

                                     WENDY
                         Ew!

                                     KYLE
                         You can't talk to Stan, Wendy, he 
                         throws up when you do.

                                     WENDY
                         But why Stan?

               Stan vomits some more.

                                     WENDY
                         Eww!

                                     KYLE
                         Look, could you guys just get down 
                         to business so we can go find my 
                         little brother?

                                     WENDY
                         Huh?

                                     KYLE
                         Just make sweet love down by the 
                         fire.

                                     WENDY
                         What happened to your little brother?

               INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - LATE AFTERNOON

               Cartman is still busy eating and watching T.V.

               ANGLE - TELEVISION

               A TV REPORTER stands out in a random wheat field.

                                     TV REPORTER
                         As the reports of UFO sightings 
                         increase, more mysterious crop-circle 
                         patterns are appearing in fields all 
                         around South Park. These crop circles, 
                         when viewed from above, form strange 
                         patterns...

               ZOOM OUT to show a huge crop-circle that looks EXACTLY like 
               Cartman.

               RESUME - CARTMAN ON COUCH

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, that kinda looks like... Tom 
                         Selleck.

                                     TV REPORTER (O.S.)
                         Could it be that aliens are trying 
                         to make contact with us here on Earth?

               Just then, Cartman's cute little kitty, KITTY, walks up and 
               looks at him innocently. The kitty MEOWs.

                                     CARTMAN
                         No Kitty... This is MY pot-pie.

               The cat meows again.

                                     CARTMAN
                         No kitty! Bad Kitty!!  No Kitty, 
                         this is MY pot pie!!! MOMM!!! Kitty's 
                         being a dildo!!  

               Cartman's mother appears from the kitchen.

                                     CARTMAN'S MOM
                         Well then I know a certain kitty 
                         kitty who's sleeping with mommy 
                         tonight.

                                     CARTMAN
                         What?

               EXT. STARK'S POND - AFTERNOON

               Kyle is finishing his story to Wendy.

                                     KYLE
                         ...And now I have to go home without 
                         him and my parents are going to have 
                         me killed!

                                     WENDY
                         Well, why don't you go get the fat 
                         kid?

                                     KYLE
                         Why?

                                     WENDY
                         Well if the fat kid has something 
                         implanted in his ass, maybe the 
                         visitors are using him as part of 
                         their plan. You should use the fat 
                         kid as bait to bring them back.

                                     KYLE
                         Hey, you're right Wendy! C'mon Stan, 
                         We have to go get Cartman!

                                     WENDY
                         C'mon Stan!

               Stan vomits.

                                     WENDY
                         Ewwww!

                                     STAN
                         Hey wait, when do I get to make sweet 
                         love?

               INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - AFTERNOON

                                     CARTMAN
                         No Kitty!! You can't have any!!

               The cat puts its paw up and meows cutely.

                                     CARTMAN
                         NO KITTY! THIS IS MY POT-PIE! BAD 
                         KITTY!!

               Cartman farts a fireball onto his cat. The cat runs away, on 
               fire, making horrible sounds.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, excuse me, kitty.

               Cartman's mother opens the door to reveal Stan, Kyle and 
               Wendy.

                                     MRS. CARTMAN
                         Eric, look who's here!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Dude, WEAK mom!

                                     KYLE
                         Come on, Eric, we're going to go 
                         play at the bus stop.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Can't- My mom says-

                                     MRS. CARTMAN
                         That's okay, Eric. I think you need 
                         to spend time with your little 
                         friends.

                                     CARTMAN
                         But mom, I don't want to spend time 
                         with my little friends.

                                     MRS. CARTMAN
                         Don't be difficult, Eric. Now you go 
                         out and play in the fun snow.

                                     CARTMAN
                         God Dammit!

               The burning kitty races through frame.

               EXT. REMOTE LOCATION BY A TREE - NIGHT

               Stan ties a rope to Cartman's ankle. Kyle ties the other end 
               to a nearby tree.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (EXTREMELY NERVOUS)
                         You guys, I have to get home.

                                     STAN
                         Don't be such a fraidy cat, Cartman!  
                         This rope will make sure they can't 
                         take you on board again.

               Wendy, Stan and Kyle walk over to some bushes and crouch 
               down, leaving Cartman all alone in the darkness.

               Cartman stares up nervously at the starry, ominous sky.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh man, this sucks.

                                     KYLE
                         How come the visitors aren't coming 
                         for him?

                                     STAN
                         I think we need to signal the them 
                         somehow.

               Cartman farts and a flame lights up the surroundings.

                                     CARTMAN
                         OWWWWW!

                                     WENDY
                         Hey, he's like rudolph!

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah all you have to do is fart some 
                         more, Cartman, and the visitors are 
                         sure to come.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Really? Uhh.. I don't think I have 
                         to fart anymore tonight.

                                     KYLE
                         Sure you do!

                                     STAN
                         Come on, Cartman! Fart!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't wanna...

                                     STAN
                         He can't hold it in forever.

                                     KYLE
                         Fart Damn you!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay!! That does it!!! Now listen!  
                         Why is it that everything today has 
                         involved things either going in or 
                         coming out of MY ASS?! I'm sick of 
                         it!  It's completely immature!!!

               Suddenly, the metal rod emerges once again from Cartman's 
               ass.

                                     STAN
                         Hey! It's happening again!

               This time, the rod looks around, then expands, and expands, 
               folds over onto itself and expands again, until finally an 
               eighty foot satellite dish is sticking out of Cartman's ass.

                                     KYLE
                         Woa! Look at that!

                                     STAN
                         Now do you believe us Cartman?!

               Cartman glances quickly at the dish.

                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys can't scare me! I know you're 
                         making it all up!

                                     STAN
                         Cartman!  There's an eighty-foot 
                         satellite dish sticking out of your 
                         ass!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Sure you guys, whatever.

               The dish powers up with a low hum and a huge yellow beam of 
               light shoots out from it like a searchlight.

               EXT. OUTER SPACE

               The beam of light emulates from Earth and shoots outwards 
               into space.

               EXT. CHEF'S BACK YARD

               Chef is dressed in party clothes and sunglasses. He is sitting 
               in a lounge chair out on his front lawn. He has a little 
               sign that reads 'Welcome Visitors!' Chef notices the big 
               bright light.

                                     CHEF
                         Oh, boy! The aliens are going to 
                         make first contact!

               Chef swigs a beer.

                                     CHEF
                              (Shouting)
                         Hey, down here! We are ready for 
                         your wisdom!
                              (Checking his watch)
                         And you only got twenty minutes before 
                         Sanford and Son is on!

               RESUME - FIELD

                                     CARTMAN
                         YOU GUYS! I AM SERIOUSLY GETTING 
                         PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW! I KNOW THERE'S 
                         NO SUCH THING AS ALIENS!!

               Just then, a HUGE alien mother ship drops down from the sky 
               directly above Cartman. It is quickly followed by several 
               scout ships.

                                     CARTMAN
                         OH, GOD DAMMIT!!

               Mr. Garrison is driving by and stops when he sees all the 
               commotion.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         What the? I tell you, there is some 
                         crazy stuff going on in this town.

               Mr. Hat pops up.

                                     MR. HAT
                         You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.

                                     KYLE
                         Come down here you stinkin' aliens!

               Five aliens beam down, and instantly appear in front of Stan, 
               Kyle, and Wendy. The kids are really scared.

                                     STAN
                         Go on, Kyle, ask them for your little 
                         brother back...

                                     KYLE
                              (Tenderly)
                         V-Visitors...  This morning you took 
                         my brother, Ike.  He's the little 
                         freckled kid that looks like a 
                         football...

               The Visitors stare at Kyle.

                                     KYLE
                         At first I was happy you took him 
                         away... But I've learned something 
                         today; that having a little brother 
                         is a pretty special thing.

                                     STAN
                         Yeah...

               Violin music swells up.

                                     KYLE
                         Aw, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a 
                         kid all alone in this crazy world, 
                         but if you could just find it in 
                         your hearts or whatever you have to 
                         give my brother back to me, it sure 
                         would make my life brighter again

               Kyle bows his head down and starts to sob.

                                     STAN
                         That was beautiful, dude.

                                     KYLE
                              (still looking down)
                         Did it work?

                                     STAN
                         Nope, they're leaving.

                                     KYLE
                         HEY YOU SKRAWNY ASS (BEEP)-HEADS!

               The visitors turn around.

                                     KYLE
                         WHAT'S THE (BEEP) IS WRONG WITH YOU, 
                         YOU (BEEP) LITTLE (BEEP). YOU MUST 
                         BE SOME KIND OF (BEEP) TO BE ABLE TO 
                         IGNORE A CRYING CHILD.

               Stan is absolutely shocked.

                                     STAN
                         Woa, dude.

                                     KYLE
                         YOU KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE!? I BET YOU'D 
                         ALL LIKE TO (BEEP) YOUR OWN (BEEP) 
                         WHILE SHE (BEEP) ON YOUR (BEEP) 
                         (BEEP)!!

                                     STAN
                         Hey Wendy, what's a (BEEEEEP)

               Wendy shrugs.

               Suddenly, a large door on the alien mothership opens. Ike is 
               entombed in some sort of alien machinery. He is being spun 
               around and is shocked with all sorts of alien electricy but 
               generally looks as happy as he always does.

                                     IKE
                         Blaa Ba Wah Wahh

                                     KYLE
                         Ike! Jump down now for the love of 
                         God Ike, JUMP!!!!

                                     IKE
                         Bo ham me!

               Just then, the herd of cows comes running in.  The cows come 
               to a screeching halt RIGHT IN FRONT of the aliens!  Their 
               poor little cow eyes grow wide and they start to shake.

               The visitors stare at the cows. The cows shiver, they have 
               nowhere to run. Finally, one of the visitors raises its hand 
               in a Vulcan-like gesture.

                                     VISITOR
                         Moo.

               The cows all look suprised.

                                     VISITOR
                         Mooo. Moooo. Mooo.

               SUBTITLES: "Greetings, Cows of Earth. We come in peace."

               The cows all look at each other. Finally, one cow makes a 
               noise.

                                     COW
                         Moo?

               SUBTITLES: "Really?"  

               Meanwhile, Kyle and the kids are still trying to get Ike to 
               jump down.

                                     KYLE
                         Come on, Ike! I promise I'll be nice 
                         to you from now on!

                                     IKE
                         Don kick da bebe!

               The visitors continue to moo at the cows.

                                     VISITOR
                         Moo. Moo. Moo.

               SUBTITLES: "We have experimented with all the beings of Earth, 
               and have learned that you are the most intelligent and wise."

                                     CARTMAN
                         What the hell are they talking about?!

                                     COW
                         Moo. Moo, moo?

               Subtitle: "Why did you turn some of us inside out?"  

               The visitors look at each other.

                                     VISITOR
                         Moo, moo, moo. Moo.

               Subtitle: "Oh, that was Carl's fault. He's new."

               Another visitor steps raises his hand in the background

                                     VISITOR CARL
                         Moo. Moo.

               Subtitle: "Yeah, sorry about that. My bad."

                                     KYLE
                         Ike!!!!!

               The visitors hand over a small clear obelisk and place it on 
               the ground in front of the cows who just stare at it.

                                     VISITOR
                         Moo, moo, moo. Moo.

               Subtitle: "Take this device. It is a gift from us."

               Kyle stands underneath his brother who still won't jump down.

                                     KYLE
                         Ike! Do your impersonation of David 
                         Caruso's career.

                                     IKE
                         It's my tun!

               Finally, Ike jumps from the machine and lands upside down in 
               the snow.

               The large satellite dish collapses and disappears back into 
               Cartman's ass.

                                     VISITOR
                         Moo, moo, moo. Moo.

               Subtitle: "Farewell, cows, peace be with you."

               The visitors disappear and beam up to their ship. A light 
               shines down on Cartman down and sucks him up.

                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys! Get me down from here!!

               Flames shoot out of Cartman's ass in a flaming fart. The 
               flames burn the rope and Cartman goes shooting upwards.

               Cartman floats up into the spacecraft. Once inside, the hatch 
               closes and the ship takes off. In the distance, the kids can 
               hear Cartman.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Heeeeeeelp... Sonns a bitcheeees!!
                         DIIIIILLLLLDOOOS!!

               With the UFO gone, the forest is silent once again.

                                     STAN
                         I'm sure glad that's over with.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, boy am I glad to see you, Ike!

                                     IKE
                         Oh he fly at the sky.

               EXT. CHEF'S BACK YARD

                                     CHEF
                         Wait, where are you going Alien 
                         visitors? Come back!!!

                                     LADY #1
                         Well Chef, where's this amazing thing 
                         you're going to show us?

                                     CHEF
                         Well, it's in the bedroom ladies, 
                         come on in.

                                                                    CUT TO:

                                     KYLE
                         C'mon Ike, we can make it just in 
                         time for dinner.

               Kyle and Ike walk away, leaving Stan and Wendy alone.

                                     STAN
                         Thanks for your help, Wendy.

                                     WENDY
                         Whatever, dude.

                                     STAN
                         Hey I didn't throw up!

                                     WENDY
                         Cool!

               Stan and Wendy move closer as if about to kiss...  closer... 
               closer... And finally - Stan vomits all over himself and 
               Wendy.

                                     WENDY
                         Ew!

                                     STAN
                         Sorry.

                                     WENDY
                         Hey look! A french fry!

                                     STAN
                         Cool!

                                     WENDY
                         And what is that?

                                     STAN
                         I think its part of a Cheesy Poof.

                                     WENDY
                         Hey, what's that?

               Wendy and Stan continue to identify food stuffs in Stan's 
               vomit, silhouetted against a full moon.

                                                                   FADE OUT

               EXT. BUSSTOP - MORNING

               Stan and Kyle wait for the bus.

                                     STAN
                         Gee, the bus'll be here any minute 
                         and Cartman still isn't around.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, we're running out of friends.

                                     STAN
                         I wonder what that thing was the 
                         visitors gave the cows?

               The cows graze peacefully. They have their little object 
               with them.

               Officer Barbrady walks in.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Ha ha cows, I got you cornered. Let's 
                         see you get away now!

               One of the cows steps on the object that the aliens gave 
               them and a ray shoots out and hits Officer Barbrady who begins 
               to dance and sing (although his voice isn't his own) the way 
               Cartman did when he was under the alien control.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                              (Singing)
                         I love to sing-a! About the moon-a 
                         and the Juna and the spring-a! I 
                         love to sing-a!  About a sky of blue 
                         or a tea for two.

               The cows jump up and down gleefully.

               RESUME - BOYS AT BUSSTOP

               Suddenly, Cartman drops from the sky and lands with a dull 
               thud into the snow.

                                     STAN
                         Oh, hey Cartman!

               Cartman moans. The school bus pulls up.

                                     KYLE
                         Wow, Cartman, the visitors dropped 
                         you off just in time to go to school!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh man, I had this crazy nightmare 
                         last night...

                                     STAN
                         Really? What about?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, I was standing out in a field 
                         and I had this HUGE satellite dish 
                         stickin' outta my butt. And then 
                         there was hundreds of cows and aliens, 
                         and then I went up on the ship and 
                         Scott Baio gave me pink eye.

                                     STAN
                         That wasn't a dream Cartman. That 
                         really happened!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh right, why don't have pink eye 
                         then?

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman, you DO have pink eye!

               Sure enough, Cartman's eyes are a bright shade of pink.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ah son of a bitch.

                                           FIN

Cartman gets an anal probe



Writers :   Matt Stone  Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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