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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 506


                                     "CARTMANLAND"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [A bright, sunny day, with some clouds in the sky. The camera 
               pans down to a funeral scene in a cemetery with robust trees]
 
               
                                     PRIEST
                         ...And so it is with heavy hearts that 
                         we say good-bye to Mabel Louise Cartman. 
                          She was a good woman, a community leader, 
                         a caring wife, a providing mother , 
                         and a loving grandmother .
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Mom, it's 3:30! This is taking up my 
                         whole Saturday!
 
                                     LIANE
                         Ssshhh, pumpkin, it's almost over.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Why couldn't the funeral have been on 
                         a school day?
 
                                     PRIEST
                         And now, let us bow our heads in a moment 
                         of silence and reflect on how Mabel 
                         touched our lives. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          God! She didn't take this long to die!
 
                         
                                     PRIEST
                         And now we release the doves to symbolize 
                         the Lord taking Mabel into his arms 
                         and giving her everlasting peace. 
 
                         
                                     ASSISTANT
                          Peace. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Great! Now can we go?!

                                     LIANE
                         No, sweetie, we have to tend to some 
                         of Grandma's business.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ogh! God-damnit!!

               JOHNSON'S & ASSOCIATES

               LAW FIRM

               [The city, day]

                                     EXECUTOR
                         ...And so I leave my stocks and bonds, 
                         worth an estimate fourteen dollars and 
                         twelve cents, to be divided amongst 
                         my loving family.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Mom, I wanna go home!

                                     LIANE
                         In a minute, sweetie. This is important.
 
                         
                                     EXECUTOR
                         To my loving son, Stinky: I leave you 
                         the house in Nebraska. Look after it 
                         as your father and I did.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Bluh bluh bluhbluh bluh bluh!

                                     EXECUTOR
                         To my grandson Eric: You are always 
                         my favorite fat little man, my perfect 
                         round little pudding-piler.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh, God, do you have to embarrass me 
                         even in death, Grandma?!
 
                                     EXECUTOR
                         For you, Eric, I leave from my life 
                         savings, the sum of one million dollars, 
                         to be transferred to you immediately.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hoosajiggawha?

                                     LIANE
                         A million dollars?

                                     EXECUTOR
                         Eric is the primary benefactor of my 
                         estate, since it is likely the rest 
                         of you would spend the money on crack.
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                         Oh my.

                                     UNCLE STINKY
                         That can't be!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh yah sir, excuse me: Du- Does this 
                         mean that I... have... one... million 
                         dollars?
 
                                     EXECUTOR
                         Yes, Eric, it's yours.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Nonowait, you don't understand:  since 
                         I was th-three years old it has been 
                         my dream to have one million dollars
 
                         
                                     EXECUTOR
                         And now, you do.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Egh. 

               [South Park, day. A car with a woman seated in it appears on 
               a hill]
 
                                     STAN
                         "There you are, Jennifer Lopez!"  "You've 
                         been most uncooperative, Ms. Lopez."
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         "No, please! I promise I'll never make 
                         another album or movie!"
 
                                     STAN
                         "It's too late for that, Ms. Lopez." 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         "Have mercy!"  Yeah ha ha!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, awesome!  ...Why? 

                                     KYLE
                         Nuh uh. 

                                     STAN
                         You'd better not be lying, Kenny. 
 
                         
               [South Park, the Bank, later. Inside, a banker counts the money 
               out in $100 bills. Mr. Garrison, Principal Victoria, Chef, and 
               others are there.]
 
                                     BANKER
                         Nine hundred ninety nine thousand four 
                         hundred, nine hundred ninety nine thousand 
                         five hundred...
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Damn, Ned, I've never seen that much 
                         cash.
 
                                     NED
                         Mm-me neither.

                                     BANKER
                         ...Nine hundred ninety nine thousand 
                         nine hundred, one million. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Look at it. Look at it, mother. See 
                         how the light reflects the spearmint 
                         green from its surface.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Eric, that is a lot of money. Don't 
                         you think you should keep it in the 
                         bank instead of at your hosue?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm not keeping it, Mr. Garrison, I'm 
                         spending it.
 
                                     JIMBO
                         On what?

                                     CARTMAN
                         On my dream.  On the one thing that 
                         I've wanted ever since I could remember...
 
                         
               [South Park, the Bank, outside. Cartman leads the others out 
               of the bank and down the street. The money is in hsi Radio Flyer 
               wagon]
 
                                     BROKER
                          Excuse me son, I'm an investment broker; 
                         I can help you invest that money.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Nuh uh, I'm spendin' it.

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Eric, God could sure use that money 
                         for a bigger church.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Huh, I think God has plenty of money.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         What the hell are you doing, fatass?!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Not much, just taking my  one million 
                         dollars out of the bank. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh my God.

                                     KYLE
                         Kenny wasn't lying.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Would you mind stepping aside? I have 
                         a purchase to make.
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, can you loan me twenty bucks for 
                         a new jacket?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         HA! If you need money, you can get a 
                         JOB, Stan! No freeloadeers are gonna 
                         take my hard-earned cash!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Your grandma left it to you! You didn't 
                         earn it!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Didn't earn it?! What about all the 
                         years I spent making Grandma like me?! 
                         All the wet spit-filled kisses I put 
                         up with?! The constant smell of aspirin 
                         and pee?! Don't tell me I didn't earn 
                         it, you son of a bitch!
 
                                     KYLE
                         No... No, this isn't possible.

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, it's unbelievable.

                                     KYLE
                         No, I mean, this is impossible, Stan! 
                         Cartman is the biggest asshole in the 
                         world! How is it that God gives him 
                         a million dollars?
 
                                     STAN
                         Come on, we gotta see what Cartman is 
                         doing with his money. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Why? How could you do this? There are 
                         people starving in Alabama and... and 
                         you give Cartman a million dollars?
 
                         
               [North Park Funland, day. Cartman and his mom are in the park 
               office signing papers]
 
                                     BROKER
                         ...Aaand if we can just get you to sign 
                         here...  and here... .
 
                                     LIANE
                         Are you sure this is what you want, 
                         sweetie?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         My own amusement park, Mother. I'm sure.
 
                         
                                     BROKER
                         And now you just sign here, Mr. Foon. 
                         
 
                                     MR. FOON
                         I can't do it.

                                     BROKER
                         What?

                                     CARTMAN
                         What?!

                                     MR. FOON
                         Uh uh I can't sell this poor kid my 
                         park.  Look, I haven't been honest with 
                         you. The park hasn't been doing great 
                         business.
 
                                     BROKER
                         Frank...

                                     MR. FOON
                         Sshhhh. It ain't right, Chris.  The 
                         truth is, the park is a financial flop. 
                         I haven't turned a profit in years because 
                         I can't keep attendance up.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, but I'm not buying the park to get 
                         people to come.
 
                                     MR. FOON
                         You... you're not?

                                     CARTMAN
                         No no no! I'm buying it to keep people 
                         out!  Don't you see? Forever it has 
                         been my dream to have my very own theme 
                         park, so that I could be alone in it, 
                         all day, every day. I love theme parks. 
                          But the lines! Everywhere you go, people, 
                         crowds,  The rides are great, but... 
                          All the lines, lines, LINES!  If there's 
                         one thing I hate,  all the lines, lines, 
                         lines, LINES!!  And then there get to 
                         be so many people  that they make FastPass. 
                          So then there's lines for FastPass. 
                          You stand in line to get a ticket to 
                         stand in line later. Then there's lines 
                         for the bathrooms , lines for the drinks 
                         , lines for cantakuras  and rare Kartankulas 
                         Plinks!  ...And, so you see, this park 
                         is for me. Nobody else will be allowed 
                         in it.
 
                                     MR. FOON
                         Nn-oh. Well then, I guess I don't feel 
                         bad. 
 
                                     CHRIS
                          Mr. Cartman, congratulations, the theme 
                         park is yours. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Gentlemen, I thank you.

               [South Park Synangogue, night. A main door opens and Stan enters]
 
               
                                     STAN
                         Kyle?  Dude, what are you doing here? 
                         Everybody's looking for you. Kyle?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          Do you know what happened to me this 
                         morning, Stan? This morning... I woke 
                         up and felt a sharp pain in my ass. 
                         I felt down there and, and found this... 
                         big sore lump. On my ass, Stan. I couldn't 
                         even sit down, so... I, I had to tell 
                         my mother, which, which was humiliating. 
                         She took me to the doctor, which was 
                         more humiliating, a- a- nd he told me. 
                         I-I have a hemorrhoid. It's like an 
                         infected blood vessel on your ass. I'm 
                         nine years old, and I have a hemorrhoid, 
                         Stan. I have a hemorrhoid, and, Cartman 
                         has his own theme park.
 
                                     STAN
                         Kyle, I, I understand what you mean, 
                         but-
 
                                     KYLE
                          Do you?! Do you, Stan?! Because all 
                         my life I was raised to believe in Jehovah! 
                         To believe that we should all behave 
                         a certain way and good things will come 
                         tu us. I make mistakes, but every week 
                         I try to better myself. I'm always saying, 
                         "You know, I learned something today..." 
                         and what does this so-called God give 
                         me in return? A hemorrhoid. He doesn't 
                         make sense!  What is your logic?!  Ow. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Look. Cartman... he thinks he's gonna 
                         be happy because he has his own amusement 
                         park, but, he's gonna find out that 
                         without other people, the rides are 
                         totally lame. I mean, who could really 
                         have fun by themselves at a theme park? 
                         I'll bet he's sick of it already.
 
                         
               [North Park Funland, day. Cartman is on the Carousel on a white 
               horse, alone]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Yyeessss! Yyeessss!  Awesome!  Ho ho! 
                          Sweet!  Yes!  Folks, please keep your 
                         arms and legs inside the vehicle at 
                         all times, make sure your seatbelts 
                         are fastened, and enjoy the Mine Shaft! 
                          Yes!  Yes!  Oh, cool!  Oh, look how 
                         much fun I had!  Whoa! Heheheheh.  Ah! 
                         Heheh.  Whoa! Heh, heheh.  Woooo, Adventure 
                         Island! Check it out! Awesome!  Yoohoo! 
                         Yeh-hehess!  Yehess!  I'm so happy! 
                         I'm so happy!
 
               [Stan's house. Kyle enters carrying a padded seat ring]

                                     STAN
                          Oh, hey dude. Terrance & Phillip is 
                         just about to start.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Great. 

                                     STAN
                         What that?

                                     KYLE
                         It's my seat ring. I have to sit on 
                         it because of my hemorrhoid.  Ow.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Heh, heh.  Sorry.

                                     KYLE
                         So, how are things going at Cartman's 
                         theme park?!
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, just forget about it. We can't 
                         let him get to us, or he wins.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hunh, I guess you're right.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Hey, everybody! Check out the all new 
                         Cartmanland! It's our Graaand Opening! 
                         Cartmanland has over a hundred fabulous 
                         rides , six roller coasters , and tons 
                         of great surprises!  And the best part 
                         is:  You can't come!!  That's right, 
                         because at Cartmanland, only I, Eric 
                         Cartman, can get in! That means only 
                         I can ride the all-new Tornado Twister 
                         , a roller coaster that splashes in 
                         the water! Wow!  It's the greatest amusement 
                         park in the Colorado area! And nobody 
                         can go!! Especially Stan and Kyle!! 
                         HAHA!!  So come on down to Cartmanland 
                         now!  But don't plan on getting past 
                         the parking lot,  'cause remember:  
                         So much to do at Cartmanland, but you 
                         can't come!  Especially you, Stan and 
                         Kyle.
 
                                     STAN
                          That does it, dude!

                                     KYLE
                         Where are we going?

                                     STAN
                         We're getting into that fatass's park 
                         whether he likes it or not! 
 
               [Cartmanland, Haunted Mansion, night. Cartman is back on the 
               ride.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Whoa! Heheh.  Whoa!  Whoa! Heheheheheh. 
                          Aw, man, that was awesohome! That one 
                         part, with the-uum, with the spider 
                         that dropped on ya? Oho, man, that totally 
                         got me. That was sweet! Heheh.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Ah! Ow! Hey, it hurts!  Owie-ow! Help! 
                         Ow, that hurts!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          What the hell?

                                     KYLE
                         Hohohooho! Oowwww!

                                     CARTMAN
                         You sons of bitches! 

               [Cartmanland, perimeter fence. Stan is in the park waiting for 
               Kyle to come down, but Kyle is stranded on top of the fence. 
               The view is from the park towards the parking lot.]
 
                                     STAN
                         Come on, dude!

                                     KYLE
                         Hoh Gohod, I popped it!! Oh hit huhurts!!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          What the hell are you doing?!

                                     STAN
                         Aw, crap.

                                     KYLE
                         Oho God, get me off of here!! 

                                     STAN
                         Dude! 

                                     KYLE
                          Stahan, I have to go home!! I need 
                         my cream!! I need my creeheam!!
 
                                     STAN
                         Alright, let's go.

                                     CARTMAN
                          That's right! You stay out!

                                     STAN
                         You can't keep us out forever, you fucking 
                         fastass! We'll be back as soon as Kyle's 
                         hemorrhoid is better!
 
                                     KYLE
                         My life can't get any worse!

                                     STAN
                         You'll see! We'll get in! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         ...Alright, so listen: All I want you 
                         to do is keep anybody out who tries 
                         to get in here. If you see anybody on 
                         my propertih, especially Stan and Kyle, 
                         you are to shoot on sight!
 
                                     SECURITY GUARD
                         So what does does this job pay?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Alright, now this is very hard for me 
                         to do, you understand. But, in return 
                         for you working security, I'll let you 
                         ride two rides a day. But only two rides, 
                         and only if I'm not on them.
 
                                     SECURITY GUARD
                         Uh, I'm afraid I don't really like rides.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          But, you can ride anything you want. 
                         And you don't have to wait in line.
 
                         
                                     SECURITY GUARD
                         I'm not interested.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Dude, are you from Mars or something? 
                         Any ride you want. No lines.
 
                                     SECURITY GUARD
                         If you need security, I need a cash 
                         salary.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         But I don't have any cash. I spent everything 
                         on this park.
 
                                     SECURITY GUARD
                         Well, look: Why don't you just let a 
                         couple of people in each day? Every 
                         day you can just let two people in, 
                         charge $29.95 per ticket, and then you 
                         can use that to pay my daily salary.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ugh. Two people?

                                     SECURITY GUARD
                         This place is huge. You'll never notice 
                         two people. And then you'll have security 
                         for your park.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, all alright, Goddamnit! I'll open 
                         the park to two people each day! But 
                         remember: anybody else you see trespassing 
                         the park...
 
                                     SECURITY GUARD
                         I will shoot on sight.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Sweet.

               [Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Kyle is on a gurney face down. A 
               doctor stands behind him as his parents look on]
 
                                     DOCTOR
                         You're a very lucky little boy. I've 
                         never seen a hemorrhoid so infected. 
                         It could have killed you. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Sucky. 

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Oh, look, Kyle. Your little friend Stan 
                         is here to see you.
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, are you okay?

                                     KYLE
                         Oh, I'm swell, Stan. I popped my hemorrhoid 
                         trying to climb the fence into Cartmanland, 
                         and it got infected. I really need to 
                         go to the bathroom, but if I do, it 
                         will pop again and the pain will make 
                         me pass out. How are you?
 
                                     STAN
                         Well um, ah-I found out that Cartman 
                         is letting a few people each day into 
                         his theme park. I wa thinking we could 
                         put on disguises and get in.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Ah-ah-ah-I'm afraid Kyle can't ride 
                         any amusement park rides for over a 
                         year because of his horrible hemorrhoid.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Jesus.

                                     KYLE
                         But it's okay, Stan, because I finally 
                         figured it out. You see, if someone 
                         like Cartman can get a million dollars 
                         and his own theme park, then there is 
                         no God. There's no God, dude.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Kyle, don't say such things!

                                     KYLE
                         Why? Why, Mom? Because if I do something 
                         bad will happen to me? Because if I 
                         do your God might not shower me with 
                         his blessings of infected hemorrhoids?
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Kyle, youyouyou just don't understand. 
                         It's-
 
                                     KYLE
                         No! I finally do understand! There is 
                         no justice! There is no God!. Do you 
                         hear me?! I renounce my faith!!
 
               [Cartmanland, day. Barbed wire has been placed atop every fence 
               imaginable. A crowd of people shows up. Among the people are 
               Butters, Clyde, Jordan, Bebe...]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Alrightalright, listen up, people. 
                         Cartmanland is open, but only to two 
                         people each day. 
 
                                     KIDS
                         Aw.

                                     BOY
                         That's gay.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I just gotta cover my security expenses. 
                         Butters, Clyde, you can come in.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hoh.

                                     CLYDE
                         Oh. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         The rest of you will just have to try 
                         another day.
 
                                     KIDS
                         Aw. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         'K, one park admission? That will be 
                         twenty-nine ninety five, sir.  Five 
                         cents is your change and enjoy your 
                         stay at Cartmanland.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hoh boy, oh boy! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         ...and enjoy your stay at Cartmanland. 
                          Ogh, finally, work is over. Now I can 
                         get back to riding my rides.  Dada da, 
                         I've got my own theme park. Hm, what 
                         should I go on now? I know! I'll go 
                         on the Haunted Mansion ride again!  
                         Da dait daa da Da dat dadadadadadaa 
                         da-ah-  What are you doing?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         We're waitin' in line for the-ah spook 
                         house.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Line? Lines! I HATE LINES!!! Can't you 
                         go on something else right now? 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well we wanna see the spook house. Uh 
                         well, we paid twenty-nine ninety five; 
                         we should be able to go in the spook 
                         house. 
 
                                     CLYDE
                         Yeah! But I think it's broke down. The 
                         cars aren't moving.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ugh, alrightalright, hang on.  Security!
 
                         
                                     SECURITY GUARD
                          What?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, Jesus! Uh, look, the haunted house 
                         ride broke down. I need you to fix it.
 
                         
                                     SECURITY GUARD
                         Uh, I'm security, not maintenance.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         But I don't know how it works.

                                     SECURITY GUARD
                         Well your rides are gonna break down 
                         every now and then. You need to hire 
                         a maintenance person.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ogh, alrightalright! I'll let two more 
                         people in each day so I can hire a maintenance 
                         person.
 
               [Cartmanland, another day. A crowd of people shows up. Among 
               the people are Bebe, Token, Timmy, Kenny, Filmore...]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Alright folks, we've had another change 
                         in policy. I've had to hire a maintenance 
                         person, and to pay his salary I have 
                         to let in two more people a day.  However, 
                         the stupid maintenance worker demanded 
                         I have food and drinks inside the park, 
                         so now I've had to hire a beverage person, 
                         and a cotton-candy person, which means 
                         I now have to let eight people come 
                         in a day! BUT, you are to try your best 
                         not to ride any rides that I am on! 
                         Understood?  Alright, let's go. 
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmay!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Wait a minute! Who are you?

                                     BOY
                         Mike Gainor. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         HA! Get the hell out of here, Stan!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Goddamnit Cartman, let me in!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I thought you said buying a theme park 
                         was stupid! SECURITY!
 
                                     STAN
                         It is stupid, Cartman! You made Kyle 
                         lose his faith in God, you fat asshole!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Get him out of here! 

                                     SECURITY GUARD
                         Move along, sir. 

                                     STAN
                         AAAH!  This isn't over, Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Eugh. Well, now I can finally get back 
                         to my riding my rides!  Uh oh! Oh man, 
                         I'm so scared!  AAAAaaaa....
 
               [Hell's Pass Hospital, day. A nurse works on Kyle's hemorrhoid 
               with pincers]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Ah!  Aaah! 

                                     NURSE
                         Just a little more  There we go. 

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Hello, Kyle. How's the hemorrhoid today?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          Awesome. 

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Kyle, we wanna tell you about the book 
                         of Job. It's a story from the Bible.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         I've had enough of the Bible. What has 
                         it gotten me?
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Oh, I think you'll see differently after 
                         hearing this. Sit down, Kyle.  Uh, okay. 
                          You see, Job lived in the east of Jordan 
                         a long long time ago.  Job was a great 
                         man. He was blessed with ten lovely 
                         children , a wonderful wife, and many 
                         friends. 
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          He was godly, and a good man, and fed 
                         the poor. 
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         He was the most upright and honorable 
                         of men, and every day he praised God. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         But one day, Satan went up to heaven 
                         and talked to God.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Satan talked to God?

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Yes, in the book of Job, Satan talks 
                         to God. And God says to Satan, "Have 
                         you seen Job? He is a great man, and 
                         he praises me every day."
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         But Satan said, "Oh yeah? He only praises 
                         you because you gave him so much. If 
                         you didn't give him those things, he 
                         would curse your name."
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         To which God said, "Oh yeah? I'll show 
                         you, Satan! I'll take those things away 
                         from Job and he will still praise my 
                         name."
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         And so, God had a bunch of barbarians 
                         come in and slaughter Job's oxen and 
                         donkeys, and murder all his workers. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Then God sent his fireballs from the 
                         sky and killed his sheep and the rest 
                         of his employees. 
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         And then, as Job's sons and daughters 
                         were eating, God sent a mighty wind 
                         to collapse the house and crush and 
                         kill them all. 
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Job was terribly sad, but he fell to 
                         his knees and said, "The Lord giveth, 
                         and the Lord taketh away," and praised 
                         God's name. 
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         So then, Job got painful sores all over 
                         his body. 
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         He was in terrible, miserable pain all 
                         day, every day. But he still kept his 
                         faith. 
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         God said to Sata, "See? I told you. 
                         Job still praises me." 
 
                                     KYLE
                          And that's it? That's the end?

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Basically.

                                     KYLE
                         That's the most horrible story I've 
                         ever heard. Why would God do such a 
                         horrible thing to a good person just 
                         to prove a point to Satan?
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Oh. Uhhh, I don't know.

                                     KYLE
                         Then I was right. Job has all his children 
                         killed, and Michael Bay gets to keep 
                         making movies. There isn't a God.
 
                         
               [Cartmanland, day. Yet another crowd of people awaits to get 
               in. Cartman greets them]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          ...And, since the stupid security guard 
                         needs video surveillance, I have to 
                         let in two more people a day to cover 
                         those expenses... Need to cover the 
                         new ticket guy's salary, so that's three 
                         more admissions a day...  Cleanup crew 
                         for the bathroom, money to cover paint 
                         and upkeep - so that's about four admissions 
                         - that brings the grand total to... 
                          God-damnit!  Eight hundred and sixteen 
                         people can come into the park today! 
                         
 
                                     CLERK
                         Welcome to Cartmanland.

               [Hell's Pass Hospital, day. The doctor has been in to see Kyle's 
               recovery progress and is now talking to the parents]
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Isn't he getting any better, doctor?
 
                         
                                     DOCTOR
                         I don't understand it. He's not fighting 
                         the infected hemorrhoid at all. It's 
                         like he... like he's lost all hope. 
                         Well if you'll excuse me, I've got more 
                         tests to run. 
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         And now back to Money Quest, on HBC.
 
                         
                                     HOST 1
                          Welcome back to Money Quest.  In just 
                         over two weeks, young financial genius 
                         Eric Cartman  has managed to turn a 
                         theme park that was seeing less than 
                         a hundred attendees a day into a thriving 
                         park with attendance in the thousands.
 
                         
                                     HOST 2
                         And the way he did it is with the brilliant 
                         "You Can't Come" technique. For the 
                         first several days, the young businessman 
                         saturated the market with the claim 
                         that nobody could get into his park. 
                         It made the public crazy. So then, weeks 
                         later, when he opened the doors, they 
                         were lining up around the block. Simply 
                         amazing.
 
                                     HOST 1
                         Well, ahah I thnk we should point out 
                         that this technique is already being 
                         applied by businesses all over the country.
 
                         
               [At a restaurant where all the tables are empty and everyone 
               is waiting in line...]
 
                                     WAITRESS
                         I'm sorry, we're no longer taking reservations. 
                         Nobody can eat here. You'll have to 
                         leave now.
 
               [At the Bijou, where everyone is waiting outside....]

                                     CLERK
                         No, I'm sorry. You can't see this movie. 
                         Nobody can see this movie. I can't even 
                         go in.
 
               [At Gracy's clothing store, a sales associates barks orders...]
 
               
                                     ASSOCIATE
                          Out! Nobody is allowed into Gracy's 
                         anymore! Get out of here! 
 
               [Back to Money Quest...]

                                     HOST 1
                         Amazing. Eric Cartman is surely the 
                         financial genius of our time.
 
               [Back to Kyle's room at Hell's Pass Hospital...]

                                     KYLE
                         Oh. Oohh.Ohuhughughhh. 

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          Kyle? Kyle?  Get the doctor!

               [Cartmanland, day. Every ride has people on it, and every ride 
               Cartman is on shows a dejected Cartman as the others enjoy themselves. 
               At the Carousel he rides his favorite white horse, but shows 
               no joy in riding it. At Java Jam!!! he's in a purple teacup with 
               three other kids, and is not enjoying it. At Bumbper Buggies 
               he's in the #7 bumper car]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Eh!  Goddamnit, stop running into me! 
                         
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Woohoo!)  (Heeheehee!!) 

                                     CARTMAN
                         AGH!  DAAAAAAH!!

               [Cartmanland, Main Street. The crowds bustle about and business 
               is good. Chris the Broker and Mr. Foon are seen walking down 
               Main Street.]
 
                                     MR. FOON
                         My God, look at it, Chris! That kid 
                         completely turned this place around!
 
                         
                                     CHRIS
                         He sure did!

                                     MR. FOON
                         Oh, if I could only have a park that 
                         worked like this!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hey, there you are! 

                                     MR. FOON
                         Oh, hello. Congratulations on your success.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Just give me my money back.

                                     MR. FOON
                         What?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I changed my mind! I don't want your 
                         stupid park!
 
                                     MR. FOON
                         ...But it's doing great!

                                     CARTMAN
                         You call this great?! I call it Hell! 
                         Trade me back, Goddamnit!
 
                                     MR. FOON
                          You bet! I'll go get your money right 
                         now! 
 
                                     BOY
                          Daddy, daddy, can we ride the rockets?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         GODDAMNIT GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!!! 
                         
 
               [Hell's Pass Hospital, day. The doctor has brought Kyle's vitals 
               back, and Kyle is on oxygen, but he's still unconscious. Gerald 
               and Sheila look on]
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Isn't he responding at all, doctor?
 
                         
                                     DOCTOR
                          I'm sorry. Your son appears to be losing 
                         the battle. I'm afraid that the hemorrhoid 
                         has spread to his lungs. Normally, the 
                         body would fight the infection, but 
                         he's... he's just... given up on life.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         But then... are you saying...?

                                     DOCTOR
                         There's nothing I can do. Little fella's 
                         just... lost his will to live.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          Oh Kyle! Kyle, you've got to fight!
 
                         
               [Cartmanland... ahem, North Park Funland, day. The old North 
               Park Funland sign is being restored, as are many of the rides 
               Cartman replaced. The ticket booths are missing. A bulldozer 
               sits outside the park ready to clear out anything else that needs 
               removal. Cartman exits with the million dollars he originally 
               paid for the park. The money is back on the Radio Flyer]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Good riddance, you stupid park! You 
                         can all kiss my ass! 
 
                                     AGENT
                         Excuse me? Eric Cartman?

                                     CARTMAN
                          Yeah?

                                     AGENT
                         I'm Frank Garrett with the IRS. You 
                         haven't kept records of your income 
                         or payout, and there's a five hundred 
                         thousand dollar discrepancy.  Seize 
                         the assets. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         He- Hey, that's my money!

                                     MR. GARRETT
                         There's also the lawsuit of the little 
                         boy who died in your park. The family's 
                         entitled to the rest of this. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What?! Kenny?! He dies all the time!
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRETT
                         You still owe thirteen thousand dollars 
                         more than this, Mr. Cartman. We'll see 
                         you in court. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeh- You can't take my money, Goddamnit!
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRETT
                         We know how well your park is doing; 
                         you'll make it back in no time.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No! But I don't... ah... ah...  Hey! 
                         Hey Mr. Foon, I changed my mind. I need 
                         the park to make my money back.
 
                                     MR. FOON
                         Nohoho way, Josť!

                                     CARTMAN
                         But I'm getting sued now. If I don't 
                         have the park I lose everything!
 
                                     MR. FOON
                         "I don't care," said Pierre. "I'm from 
                         France." 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         This can't be happening! AAAAAHH!!
 
                         
               [Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Stan bursts into Kyle's room]

                                     STAN
                         Kyle, you gotta see!! 

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          Kyle's not going to make it, Stanley. 
                         Oh, Gerald! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Doctor, can we wheel Kyle out of here 
                         on his bed with the machines attached?
 
                         
                                     DOCTOR
                         Well, I sssuppsed it could be rigged, 
                         but I-
 
                                     STAN
                         Then damnit man, do it!

               [North Park Funland, day. The ticket booths are back, and business 
               is as strong now as it was when the park was Cartmanland. Off 
               to the side, Cartman is throwing stones at one of the park walls]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         It isn't fair!  You Goddamned assholes, 
                         it isn't fair! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Look, Kyle. Look. 

                                     KYLE
                          Huh?

                                     CARTMAN
                         You just build me up to chop me down, 
                         didn't you?! What about my dream?! What 
                         about my money?! 
 
                                     KYLE
                          Huh?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'M SO PISSED OFF! 

                                     SECURITY GUARD
                         Move along, sir! You are vandalizing 
                         private property!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ey! You used to work for me!  Ut ut 
                         aw! Aw, Goddamnit, you sonfofabitch! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Kyle!

                                     DOCTOR
                         He's coming back.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         That's it, baby. That's it.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oho, Goddamnit, this sucks!

                                     DOCTOR
                         Wait a minute. Yes! The hemorrhoid is 
                         going into remission!
 
                                     HEMORRHOID
                          Oh, shih.

                                     STAN
                         Look, Kyle, Cartman is totally miserable. 
                          Even more miserable than he was before 
                         because he's had his dream and lost 
                         it.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         It's not fair! It's not fair; I wanna 
                         die! I wanna daaahahie! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         You are up there! 

               THE END

Cartmanland



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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