The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb)


The web's largest
movie script resource!

Search IMSDb

Alphabetical
# A B C D E F G H
I J K L M N O P Q
R S T U V W X Y Z

Genre
Action Adventure Animation
Comedy Crime Drama
Family Fantasy Film-Noir
Horror Musical Mystery
Romance Sci-Fi Short
Thriller War Western

Sponsor

TV Transcripts
Futurama
Seinfeld
South Park
Stargate SG-1
Lost
The 4400

International
French scripts

Movie Software
DVD ripper software offer
Rip from DVD
Rip Blu-Ray

Latest Comments
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10
Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10
Batman Begins9/10
Collateral10/10
Jackie Brown8/10

Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                     Episode 307


                                      "CAT ORGY"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker






               [The Cartman house, night. Cartman's room. Cartman plays off-camera 
               while his plush lizard, Rumpertumskin, sits on the bed. Cartman 
               does all the voices...]
 
                                     RUMPERTUMSKIN
                          Heheheheh! Now I will kill the President 
                         and Salma Hayek!
 
                                     POLLY
                          Oh, save me! Who will save me?

                                     CARTMAN
                          I will! James West, cowboy and rap 
                         star!  Quick, Artemus Clyde Frog! We've 
                         got to save Salma Hayek!
 
                                     CLYDE FROG
                          If we save her, I am going to take 
                         off her pants and play Slip'N'Slide!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Are you okay, Salma Hayek?

                                     POLLY
                         Yes, but I need to get out of here and 
                         eat some tacos and burritos. Me gusta 
                         tacos mucho!
 
                                     RUMPERTUMSKIN
                         You cannot stop me, James West!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Look out, Artemus Clyde Frog! It's a 
                         giant metal spider!  Bang! Bangbang! 
                          Yoyoyo, jiggity jiggy with it! Bang 
                         bang bang!  We saved the day! The Wild 
                         Wild West, The Wild Wild Wild West. 
                         Uhyo wicky wicky scratch, Uh wicky wicky 
                         scratch... 
 
                                     LIANE
                          Eric.  The babysitter's here. Come 
                         on downstairs.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          But mmmooom, I'm playing Wild Wild 
                         West.
 
                                     LIANE
                         I have to leave soon, Eric.

                                     CARTMAN
                         But mom, me and Artemus Clyde Frog still 
                         have to do our love scene with Salma 
                         Ha-yek.
 
                                     LIANE
                         Come down as soon as you're done. 
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         
               [silence, then he begins to rap]

               Well, I'm a badass cowboy living in a cowboy's

               Age wicky wicky scratch yo yo bang bang

               Me and Artemus Clyde Frog go save

               Salma Hayek from the big metal spider

               Wicky wicky wick, wicky wicky wick, Fresh

               Cowboy from the Westside-

               [The kitchen. Liane fixes herself as Shelly looks on]

                                     LIANE
                         Thank you so much for babysitting little 
                         Eric, Shelley.
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         Okay.

                                     LIANE
                         All those other babysitters won't come 
                         back.
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         I charge $5 for the first hour, 5% bumps 
                         every hour after that up to six hours, 
                         which enters into golden time.
 
                                     LIANE
                         Oh, that sounds fine. I'm going to a 
                         meteor shower party. The number where 
                         I'll be is on the refrigerator. Eric's 
                         nookie time is 9 o'clock sharp. If his 
                         little woogums get cold, you can turn 
                         up the heat over here. And if he gets 
                         cranky, just play tummy-rub-rubs with 
                         him, and make sure he wipes good after 
                         he makes bears.
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         Bears?

                                     LIANE
                         Oh! And don't mind the cat. She's just 
                         being loud because she's in heat.
 
                         
               [The living room. Cartman is on the sofa watching TV now, and 
               Kitty is near him]
 
                                     KITTY
                         Meowrowr!

                                     CARTMAN
                         No, Kitty! I don't have anything!

                                     KITTY
                          Meow rowrrowrrowrrowrrowr!

                                     CARTMAN
                         What the hell is wrong with you?! Stop 
                         it, Kitty!
 
                                     KITTY
                          Rowrrowrrowrrowrrowr!

                                     CARTMAN
                         No Kitty, that a bad God-damned kitty! 
                         
 
                                     LIANE
                          Okay, muffin. Mommy's leaving now. 
                         You do what the babysitter tells you, 
                         okay?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Uh-huh.

                                     LIANE
                         Be good.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Right.

                                     LIANE
                         Come give Mommy Eskimo kisses! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Aw, Ma.

                                     LIANE
                         Eskimo kisses for Mom-my!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Jesus Christ. 

                                     LIANE
                         Bye, kids. 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Well, go put that pizza in the oven, 
                         bitch! I'm hungry!  Ow!
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         Alright, turd, listen up! Now that your 
                         mom is gone, I'm in charge. I don't 
                         know how you treat your other babysitters, 
                         but when I'm babysitting, you're nothing 
                         but a little turd. You're a stinky dried-up 
                         stupid turd! Got it?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You can't hit me! Didn't you see those 
                         nanny videos on TV? 
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         My boyfriend is coming over, so you 
                         go to the kitchen, and you make us that 
                         pizza before I snap you in half like 
                         the little turd-stick you are!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You're not allowed to have people over!
 
                         
                                     SHELLEY
                          Move! 

               [The kitchen. Cartman walks to the refrigerator]

                                     CARTMAN
                         This is bullcrap!  I can't reach the 
                         freezer!
 
                                     SHELLEY
                          Figure it out, turd!

                                     CARTMAN
                          God damnit!  Shut up, Kitty!  Any problems, 
                         contact Eric's Mommy at 303... Aha!  I'm 
                         gonna call mom and tell her that the 
                         babysitter is having her boyfriend come 
                         over! Then we'll see who's the turd! 
                         
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         ...So I said, "you're a little turd!" 
                         and he w-
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Damnit! 

                                     SHELLEY
                         ...But when you've seen one turd, you've 
                         seen them all.  ...stupid turd! The one 
                         night-
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ey! I need to use the phone!

                                     SHELLEY
                         Oh. Hold on a second, Carrie. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ey! Aaah! Uh-ow! Ah! 

                                     SHELLEY
                         I placed his underwear over his head.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          I'm gonna get her, Kitty! Mark my words!! 
                          SHUT THE HELL UP, KITTY!! 
 
               [The living room. Cartman watches TV]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         And now, back to the movie of the week, 
                         Aliens.
 
                                     NEWT
                          They mostly come at night, mostly.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          They mostly come at night, mostly. 
                          Ey, I was watching Aliens on TV!
 
                         
                                     SHELLEY
                         Well, I'm watching Friends, turd!  That's 
                         my boyfriend. Go answer the door while 
                         I make sure I don't have food in my 
                         braces. 
 
                                     DUDE
                         Hey there, is Shelley around?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Who the hell are you?

                                     DUDE
                         I'm the guy who's gonna put a boot up 
                         your ass if you don't tell me where 
                         Shelley is!
 
                                     SHELLEY
                          Hey, Skyler.

                                     CARTMAN
                         You know this guy?

                                     SHELLEY
                         He's my boyfriend! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Christ, he's like 50 years old!

                                     SHELLEY
                         He's 22! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Dude, that's not cool.

                                     SHELLEY
                         You're a turd! You're the Turdman of 
                         Alcatraz!
 
                                     SKYLER
                         Ye Yeah-ha.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Dude, when my mom finds out that my 
                         babysitters have their boyfriends over, 
                         she mostly gets really mad, mostly. 
                          Yaaah. Eeyy! Ey, God damnit!
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         Turd wedgie. Come in the kitchen, Skyler. 
                         There's refreshments 
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         And now, back to Wild Animal World
 
                         
                                     HOST
                          Here in the more arid regions of Africa, 
                         the gold-coat lions are in the throes 
                         of mating season.  The male lion positions 
                         himself behind the female and prepares 
                         to insert his lionhood. Notice his large 
                         swollen balls.  The female lion relaxes 
                         her body and says "hello" to Mr. Winky. 
                          The male lion is enticed by the female's 
                         supple breasts and firm backside.  Quickly 
                         and suddenly, the male is finished. 
                         Now he wants to be alone, so he kindly 
                         asks the female to leave. He promises 
                         he'll call her tomorrow. But the female 
                         doesn't leave. Nope, she's moving right 
                         in. Looks like the male lion... is screwed. 
                         
 
               [The kitchen. Cartman cooked the pizza after all. Shelley and 
               Skyler finish it]
 
                                     SKYLER
                         Mmmmm. 

                                     SHELLEY
                         No, Skyler. Quit it.

                                     SKYLER
                         Come on, babe. How long have we known 
                         each other?
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         Eight days tomorrow.

                                     SKYLER
                         And I still don't get any action.

                                     SHELLEY
                         I don't know, Skyler. It's just kind 
                         of strange to me that you're 22 and 
                         all.
 
                                     SKYLER
                         But I'm still in high school. I told 
                         you: I'm a very immature 22-year old.
 
                         
                                     SHELLEY
                         Well, maybe just one kiss.

                                     SKYLER
                         Mmmmm 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, what are you doing? 

                                     SKYLER
                         Beat it, chubby!

                                     SHELLEY
                         Go on, Astroturd!

                                     SKYLER
                         Mmmmm 

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm gonna tell my mom on you.

                                     SHELLEY
                         Turd Rock From the Sun!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ey! You ate all the pizza!

                                     SHELLEY
                         We left you some crusts! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         That does it! I'm calling my mom right 
                         now, and bustin' your ass! 
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         Guess again, Richard the Turd!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Give me that phone number!

                                     SKYLER
                         Come on, babe. Let's go to the living 
                         room. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          I am not gonna be bossed around by 
                         a chick!  Maybe I'll just use my Wild 
                         Wild West techniques and get proof that 
                         Shelley had a boyfriend over.
 
                                     KITTY
                          Meow.

                                     CARTMAN
                         God damnit, Kitty, you have to calm 
                         down! Here, I'll get you some catnip. 
                         
 
                                     KITTY
                         Meow.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, okay, I'm finding the catnip. 
                         
 
                                     KITTY
                         Meowrowrowrowrowrowrowrowr. 

               [The living room. Skyler strums on the guitar as Shelley listens]
 
               
                                     SKYLER
                         Red Rocket spills my icy soul.

               Demons from Hell seek the chosen one!

                                     SHELLEY
                         You're such an amazing poet, Skyler.
 
                         
                                     SKYLER
                          Isn't this guitar awesome? It's the 
                         best of its kind, and not a scratch 
                         on it. 
 
                                     SHELLEY
                          Skyler, not here.

                                     SKYLER
                         I can't help it. I see your pretty lips 
                         and I want to kiss them. 
 
                                     SHELLEY
                          Really?

                                     SKYLER
                         I cherish you, almost as much as I cherish 
                         my guitar.
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         Wow!

                                     SKYLER
                         When I make it to the big time, I'm 
                         gonna take you shopping, and buy you 
                         lots of badass stuff.
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         O Skyler, I love you. 

                                     SKYLER
                         Mmmmm. 

                                     SHELLEY
                         What the-?

                                     CARTMAN
                          Aha, charade you are! Looks like you're 
                         the turd now!
 
                                     SHELLEY
                          Give me that picture!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Aaaaa!  Yes!

                                     SHELLEY
                         Open this door, Turdledove!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I think not! I'm gonna show this picture 
                         to my mom when she gets home!
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         Your mom doesn't get home for three 
                         more hours! That's plenty of time for 
                         me to make a turd sandwich out of you. 
                         
 
               [later that night]

                                     SHELLEY
                          Give me that picture, turd!

                                     CARTMAN
                         You're never gonna get this picture! 
                         Not until my mom comes home and I can 
                         prove you had a boyfriend over heuh!
 
                         
                                     SHELLEY
                          I'm gonna bust this door down! 

                                     CARTMAN
                          What should we do, Artemus Clyde Frog? 
                         
 
                                     CLYDE
                          We've got to get that picture to your 
                         mom so that she will come home and save 
                         us.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, that's quick thinking, Artemus Clyde 
                         Frog.  Listen very carefully, Mr. Kitty. 
                         I am putting this picture of the babysitter 
                         and her boyfriend on your collar.  You 
                         have to take this picture to Mommy, 
                         Kitty, so that she can come home and 
                         save me.  Now run, Kitty. Take this 
                         picture to Mommy, and lead her back 
                         here. When you return, be sure to bring 
                         Mom in through the back door. Hurry, 
                         Kitty! You're my only hope!  That's 
                         it! That's it, Mr. Kitty! 
 
                                     KITTY
                         Meow. Meow. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh! God damnit!

               [The living room. Shelley takes the picture and the door bell 
               rings]
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         Who is that?!

                                     SKYLER
                         Oh, I invited the guys in the band over, 
                         so that we can practice. 
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         Skyler, your band can't practice here.
 
                         
                                     SKYLER
                         Hey, do you want me to make it or not?! 
                         Don't stand between me and my dreams, 
                         babe!  'Sup Mark?  'Sup up. Jonesy? 
                         
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         Just keep the volume down! I have to 
                         go deal with Turdboy. 
 
               [Cartman's room. Shelley knocks on the door]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey! Who was that?! Who came to the 
                         door?!
 
                                     SHELLEY
                          Hey Eric! Your mom's been in an accident!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          You just want me to open the door!
 
                         
                                     SHELLEY
                         We need to run over to the hospital 
                         and identify her body! We'll be right 
                         back.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What?? Ih is she okay?

                                     SHELLEY
                         Not really. She's dead.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Huh?! 

                                     SHELLEY
                          Haha! That was a turd trick. Your mom 
                         isn't really dead!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Aha! I knew it was a turd trick, and 
                         I opened the door because Mr. Kitty 
                         is on his way right now to my mom's 
                         party with the picture!
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         HAha! I knew you sent the cat, and that's 
                         why I went outside and got him!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Haaha! I saw you get the picture back 
                         from Mr. Kitty, and that's why I wrote 
                         a letter to the press! To be opened 
                         in the case of my demise! Should anything 
                         happen to me, that letter will go out, 
                         and you will never find it!
 
                                     SHELLEY
                          You mean this one? 

                                     CARTMAN
                         O-kay! Let's see heuh. Haha! Um... Aw, 
                         damnit!  AAAAH! 
 
               [living room. Shelley drags Cartman past the band and hurls him 
               onto the coatrack]
 
                                     SKYLER
                         Okay, check check, check, 1, 2, check. 
                         Okay, ready? All right, let's try the 
                         new song. This is a song I wrote for 
                         you, Shelley.  1, 2, 1 2 3 4
 
               When I saw her walking down the street, I thought she was Shelley, 
               Shelley.
 
               [she dances in place on the sofa]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Aw, man, you guys suck.

                                     SKYLER
                         Now that we're together I'm absolutely 
                         sure that she's Shelley, Shelley.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         You're the crappiest band I have ever 
                         heard!
 
                                     SKYLER
                         Move into my mom's house with me, Shelley 
                         Shelley
 
               [Outside. Kitty is at Cartman's window once again. The band is 
               heard in the background]
 
                                     KITTY
                         Mewo, meow, meow, meow, meow.

                                     A CAT
                          Meow.  Meow.

                                     KITTY
                          Meow?

                                     A CAT
                         Meow. 

               [Living room. Skyler's band continues playing]

                                     SKYLER
                         Bridge!

               I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of

               Shelley Shelley!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh my God, somebody shoot me in the 
                         head!
 
                                     SKYLER
                         Ey, shut up, tubby!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Don't call me fat! Now, you guys are 
                         not supposed to be in heuh!  You get 
                         out now and respect my authoritah!  
                         Ow! 
 
               [Night. Kitty wanders the streets of South Park]

                                     KITTY
                         Meow?

                                     A CAT
                         Meow.

                                     KITTY
                         Meow?

                                     A CAT
                         Meow. 

                                     KITTY
                         Meow? 

                                     A CAT
                         Meow.

                                     KITTY
                         Meow?

                                     A CAT
                         Meow. Meow. Meow. 

               [Cartman's house, living room. The band finishes up]

                                     SKYLER
                         Yah, dude, that was hot. This guitar 
                         rocks, man! It rocks! What do you think, 
                         Shelley?
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         Honestly? I think you guys need some 
                         work.
 
                                     MARK
                         Oh, really?!

                                     SHELLEY
                         I just think your sound is kind of... 
                         last week.
 
                                     JONESY
                         Oh, I'd like to see you do any better, 
                         bitch!
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         Well, I do have a song I wrote.

                                     SKYLER
                         O-kay, why don't you sing it for us?
 
                         
                                     SHELLEY
                         Nnno, Skyler, I'm embarassed!

                                     SKYLER
                         Hey man, don't be shy.

                                     SHELLEY
                         Uhwwell, okay.  I'll try. But I'm not 
                         promising anything.  1 2 3 4
 
               
               So much pain in the world today.

               Too many turds are headin' my way.

               But we can press our turds together.

               Passing by turds whenever.

                                     SKYLER
                         Don't you know? Isn't...

                                     SHELLEY
                         Life so full of happiness?

               Feel free to mark my words.

               But me and you, will my love do

               in a world that's full of turds? TURDS!

               llama judgin finger-lovin' turds. TURDS!

               [Cartman's room. He's taken the phone upstairs with him, extension 
               and all, and he's called Liane]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Mom! The babysitter has her boyfriend 
                         over!
 
                                     LIANE
                         No no no no, that's impossible, hon. 
                         I told her: no visitors.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, there's a whole crappy band here! 
                          Can you hear them? Here. Can you hear 
                         them? 
 
                                     LIANE
                         This party is very loud, boopy-kins. 
                         You'll have to speak up.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Damnit! Her boyfriend's here! Don't 
                         you believe me?!
 
                                     LIANE
                         Not really, hon.  Mom has to go now! 
                         I'll be home in about an hour!  Oh! 
                         Oh, Mr. Mackey!
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Mhm, mkay? 

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'll never be able to prove that son 
                         of a bitch was here!  My Speak and Record 
                         bear. Of course.
 
               [Downstairs, Shelley continues her song]

                                     SHELLEY
                         In a world that's full of turds. TURDS!
 
                         
                                     MARK
                          Dude, this is gay!

                                     SKYLER
                         Shut up! 

                                     MARK
                         You shut up! Your girlfriend is not 
                         joining our band!
 
                                     JONESY
                         Yeah, dude. What the hell is wrong with 
                         you, anyway? She's like, 12.
 
                                     SKYLER
                         You guys, get out! Don't question my 
                         love! My love is as pure as morning 
                         snow! Get out, I said! 
 
               [The passageway. Kitty and the fat orange cat face each other]
 
               
                                     KITTY
                         Rowr!  (Rowrowrowrowr!) 

                                     ORAGNE CAT
                         Rowr!

                                     KITTY
                         Rowr.  Hrowr!

                                     ORAGNE CAT
                         Geuugh. 

                                     KITTY
                          Meowr!  Meowuh!  Oh meah!

               [Cartman's room. He begins recording]

                                     CARTMAN
                          Testing, testing, 1 2.  Sweet. 

                                     SHELLEY
                         We're going outside to watch a meteor 
                         shower! I'm locking you in your room 
                         'til we get back in, turd!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay. See you in a while.

                                     SHELLEY
                         Wha-?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Will you tell me what they look like? 
                         The meteor shower. They mostly come 
                         every few years, mostly.
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         What the hell is wrong with you?! How 
                         come you're not yelling and whining?!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, I just, I kind of like having 
                         you around.
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         What?! No you don't!

                                     CARTMAN
                         No. Um seriously. See, I never had a 
                         brother or a sister. I think people 
                         that have a brother or a sister don't 
                         realize how lucky they are. Sure, they 
                         fight a lot, but you know there's always 
                         somebody there, somebody that's family. 
                          I wonder if, well, maybe sometimes, 
                         I could pretend like you're my big sister. 
                         And you could kind of, watch over me. 
                         You know, like, we could watch a meteor 
                         shower together sometime. Heh, and I 
                         could pretend I'm somebody's brother, 
                         if only for a day.
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         ...Oh, all right, get your turd coat. 
                         You can come see the meteor shower with 
                         us.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yuh, you mean it?

                                     SHELLEY
                         But don't bug me and Skyler! Come on!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hooray!  Yes. I'm gonna have your and 
                         your boyfriend's voices on my Speak 
                         and Record bear, and then you'll mostly 
                         never babysit me again! Mostly.
 
               [The Cartman backyard. Skyler and Shelley sit on a bench, Cartman 
               stands off to the side in front of them]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Yes, yes, what a beautiful night! It 
                         is Saturday the 12th at 10:45, and my 
                         mother is away at a party right now.
 
                         
                                     SHELLEY
                         Shut up, turd!

                                     CARTMAN
                         That, of course, is the voice of my 
                         babysitter, Shelley Marsh, who is twelve.
 
                         
                                     SHELLEY
                         What are you doing?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm just thinking out loud.  Do you 
                         have anything to say, Skyler, Shelley's 
                         boyfriend who is sitting right heuh?
 
                         
                                     SHELLEY
                         Go away, turd!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm sorry. Did you say something, Skyler? 
                          Agh!
 
               [South Park. Kitty walks around looking for some action]

                                     KITTY
                         Meow 

               [The Cartman backyard. Meteors flash across the sky. Skyler tries 
               to kiss Shelley. Cartman stands close to the house with his Speak 
               and Record bear in full view]
 
                                     SKYLER
                         Yeah! Come on! Give it up!

                                     SHELLEY
                         No.

                                     SKYLER
                         Give it up, babe!

                                     SHELLEY
                         NO!

                                     SKYLER
                         Come on, babih!

                                     SHELLEY
                          No, Skyler, I'm not putting out for 
                         you!
 
                                     SKYLER
                         Why the hell not?!

                                     SHELLEY
                         'Cause I'm twelve! 

                                     SKYLER
                         You're not putting out for me?

                                     SHELLEY
                         No!

                                     SKYLER
                         Well then, screw you, bitch! I've got 
                         plenty of other girlfriends that will!
 
                         
                                     SHELLEY
                         What?? But I thought you liked me.
 
                         
                                     SKYLER
                         If you're not puttin' out, then I'm 
                         movin' on! There's plenty of chicks 
                         like you out there!  Screw you, prude 
                         bitch! Me and my badass guitar are going 
                         home! Hasta!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Gotcha! 

               [The living room. Shelley sits on the sofa crying, her face buried 
               in her hands. Cartman comes dancing in]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh yeah! Oh yeah!

               Oh wicky wicky Wild West!

               Shelley, guess who's busted! [Shelley continues crying] Hey! 
               I said, guess who's busted! [Shelley doesn't seem to realize 
               he's there] Eh, you're not gonna trick me, I've got the goods 
               on you!
 
                                     SHELLEY
                          I don't care.  He acted like he really 
                         liked me. Nobody's ever liked me before. 
                          I can't believe I trusted him. I'm 
                         so stupid.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, Shelley, he's 22. What, what were 
                         you doing with him anyway?
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         Nobody my age would go out with me 'cause 
                         I'm too ugly.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You're not ugly.

                                     SHELLEY
                         You don't think so?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, you're pretty ugly, but, you don't 
                         have to be dating 22-year olds. I mean, 
                         what kind of scumbag asshole dates 12-year 
                         old girls?
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         You're right! He is a scumbag! I wish 
                         I could get him back! I just don't know 
                         how.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Weh-hull, I could ask Artemus Clyde 
                         Frog. He would know.
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         Huh?

                                     CARTMAN
                         If you want, I could help you.

                                     SHELLEY
                         Really? You would do that?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Just let me get my cowboy hat.

               [Outside. Kitty returns to the house, opens the front door, and 
               enters]
 
                                     KITTY
                         Mreow? Mreow? Mreow! 

               [Skyler's pad. He sits on his sofa strumming his guitar. He hears 
               a knock on the door. He gets up, opens it, and looks down. Clyde 
               is there]
 
                                     SKYLER
                         What the hell is this?!

                                     POLLY
                         Help me! Help me! This is Salma Hayek. 
                         Is anybody there? 
 
                                     SKYLER
                         Salma Hayek? Whoa, she's hot. 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Okay, it's clear. 

               [The woods.]

                                     POLLY
                         Over here! Please, come quick! 

               [Skyler's pad. Cartman stands watch as Shelley gets to work]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         We don't have much time!

                                     SHELLEY
                         This won't take me long!

               [The Cartman house. The front door remains wide open as music 
               blares from inside. Cats are all over the living room. Kitty 
               bring a box of Playful Pussy catnip from outside and pours out 
               the catnip. The other cats rush towards it and divide amongst 
               themselves. One cat makes lines of it so he can snort it, another 
               snacks on a slice of pizza. Others sip from beer bottles. Some 
               cats come towards Kitty and she shows her ass again.]
 
               [Skyler's pad. Cartman grows impatient]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hurry up in there!

                                     SHELLEY
                         I'm almost done.

               [The woods. Skyler is looking...]

                                     SKYLER
                         Hello-o? Hello-o, Mrs. Hayek?

                                     POLLY
                         Over here! Please help me! I am lost 
                         and I have no clothes!
 
                                     SKYLER
                          No clothes, right.

               [Skyler's pad. Shelley finishes up]

               [The woods. The search continues...]

                                     POLLY
                         I'm over here! Please help me! I will 
                         reward you greatly!
 
                                     SKYLER
                         Right here, Miss Hayek!

                                     POLLY
                         Oh, please help me!

                                     SKYLER
                         What the? 

                                     POLLY
                         Please help me! I will give you tacos!
 
                         
                                     SKYLER
                         Dude, somebody tricked me! I'll make 
                         you pay for making me come out here, 
                         God damnit!  Stupid asshole stuffed 
                         animals trying to ruin my night!  My 
                         guitar! NOOOOO!
 
               [The Cartman house. Shelley and Cartman return home]

                                     CARTMAN
                         That was sooo cool! I wish we could've 
                         seen his face!
 
                                     SHELLEY
                          Thanks for all your help, Eric. You 
                         know, as far as turds go, you're okay. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh my God! 

                                     SHELLEY
                         They're having a cat orgy!

                                     CARTMAN
                         You are all very bad kitties! That is 
                         a bad, bad kitty!
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         Your mom's gonna get home soon. We're 
                         gonna get busted!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Come on, kitties. Outside. Come on. 
                          That's it. Come on, come on.  Uh oh.
 
                         
                                     SKYLER
                         You two ruined my career! I'm gonna 
                         get you!  Umph  Ogh! Oh! Owey! Owwey! 
                         Duewy! Oh!  Oh, you ripped my pants 
                         off! Oh my God! Oohh mmy Ggoodd!
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         Come on! We've got to get the house 
                         clean before your mom gets home.  You 
                         know, Eric. It's kind of cool that two 
                         people who hated each other can be friends.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah. I think we get along okay.

                                     LIANE
                          Hi, kids. I'm home.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Heh.  Mom! Uh I can explain. It was 
                         all Shelley's fault! She didn't watch 
                         the cat!
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         No! It's Eric's fault. He let those 
                         cats in here.
 
                                     LIANE
                          Oh, what a party that was!  Hmm-hm-hm-hmm. 
                         Hmm-hm-hm-hmm. 
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         Wow, she passed out.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Luckily for us, my mom is a total lush.
 
                         
                                     SHELLEY
                         Well, let's clean up the house. Looks 
                         like everything turned out o-kay.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         That's how it goes in the Wild Wild 
                         West. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         

               Well, I'm a badass cowboy living in a cowboy's

               Age, wicky wicky scratch yo yo bang bang

               [credits roll]

               Me and Artemus Clyde Frog go save

               Salma Hayek from the big metal spider

               Wicky wicky wick, wicky wicky wick, Fresh

               Cowboy from the Westside.

               
               Wicky wicky scratch yo yo bang bang

               Me and Artemus Clyde Frog go save

               Salma Frog Polly Prissy Pants go down to...

               Well... mm-Rumpertumskin. 

Cat Orgy



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


User Comments







Index    |    Submit    |    Links    |    Link to us    |    RSS Feeds    |    Disclaimer    |    Privacy policy