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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS


 

                                       "SOUTH PARK"

                                       Episode 209

                             "CHEF'S CHOCOLATE SALTY BALLS"

                                        Written by

                         Trey Parker, Matt Stone & Nancy Pimental



               SUNDANCE FILM FESTIVAL

               [A small Western town. Bustling sounds are heard as the camera 
               slowly pans down. A crowd streams by in the background behind 
               a sports car and limo, and front and center are Robert Redford 
               and a woman]
 
                                     ROBERT REDFORD
                         Why do we hold the Sundance Film Festival 
                         here, Phyllis? It's so painfully crowded.
 
                         
                                     PHYLLIS
                         Because. People from L.A. love to come 
                         to a quaint little mountain town for 
                         a few days, and this gives them an excuse.
 
                         
                                     ROBERT REDFORD
                         No, this used to be a quaint little 
                         mountain town. Now look at it. Sushi 
                         restaurants, upscale clothes stores, 
                         $25 parking, Liam Neeson… I tell you, 
                         Phyllis, I think we've tapped this town's 
                         resource out. We must move this festival 
                         to another small mountain town and begin 
                         again.
 
                                     PHYLLIS
                         That's not a bad idea. But where?

               [South Park. Winter is indeed back. A man hums as he arrives 
               at the town flag pole with a purple flag and runs it up to the 
               top. It unfurls, revealing]
 
               1ST ANNUAL

               SOUTH PARK

               FILM FESTIVAL

               [a crowd instantly pours in and mills about]

                                     MAN IN BACKGROUND
                         Ching ching cha-ching.

                                     MAN IN FOREGROUND
                         Whoa.

               [South Park Elementary]

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay, children. I have some very exciting 
                         news for you… Oo-why don't you tell 
                         them, Mr. Twig?
 
                                     MR. TWIG
                         That's right, Mr. Garrison. The First 
                         Annual South Park Film Festival begins 
                         today.
 
                                     WENDY
                         Wow! Cool!

                                     KYLE
                         They're not gonna show that stupid-ass 
                         Godzilla movie again, are they?
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Nono, Kyle. These are independent films.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Hoohh, like Independence Day? That sucked 
                         ass, too.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No, dude, independent films are those 
                         black and white hippie movies. They're 
                         always about gay cowboys eating pudding.
 
                         
                                     WENDY
                         No they're not! Independent films are 
                         produced outside the Hollywood system. 
                         They're movies about all the glitz and 
                         glamour of Hollywood.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Byeh, sure. Well, you show me one independent 
                         film that  isn't about gay cowboys eating 
                         pudding!
 
                                     WENDY
                         Once again, you have no idea what you're 
                         talking about, fatass!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          I'm not fat! I just haven't grown into 
                         my body yet, skinny bitch!
 
                                     WENDY
                         Hrmph!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Eric, if you call Wendy a bitch one 
                         more time, I'm sending you to the principal's 
                         office!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          …bitch.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         That's it Eric, you-!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm going! 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Anyway, children, I want you all to 
                         see at least one independent film at 
                         the festival and then write a paper 
                         about it.  The first film showing is 
                         called Witness To Denial, and it's a 
                         sexual exploration piece about two women 
                         in love.
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh, my uncle Jimbo has a ton of those 
                         movies in his dresser drawer.
 
               1ST ANNUAL SOUTH PARK FILM FESTIVAL

               [there's certainly a lot of people now. Two of them are talking 
               to their people back home.]
 
                                     DIRECTOR 1
                         Norma, I want to shoot the script next 
                         month with Demi Moore instead.
 
                                     DIRECTOR 2
                          Well you can tell Spielberg he can 
                         kiss my ass!
 
                                     MAYOR
                          Wow, look at this, Johnson. Traffic 
                         jams at every intersection, hordes of 
                         people pushing their way through the 
                         crowd. It's almost like we're a real 
                         city.
 
               [After school and the kids are out in the town]

                                     CARTMAN
                         I can't believe I got sent to the principal's 
                         office because of your stupid girlfriend!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         She's not my girlfriend.

                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah, that's because you vomit on her 
                         all the time.) 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Sick, Kenny.

                                     STAN
                         Damn, dude. Look at all these people.
 
                         
                                     DIRECTOR 3
                          I'm late for a screening, I'll call 
                         you from the theater.
 
                                     KYLE
                         All this for a bunch of stupid movies?
 
                         
               [They come upon a stand that says]

               CHEF'S

               SOUL FOOD

                                     CHEF
                         Hello there, children!

                                     THE BOYS
                         Hey, Chef.

                                     STAN
                         Whatcha doin'?

                                     CHEF
                         Children, this whoole film festival 
                         thing has quite lucrative monetary possibilities. 
                         Now I'm gonna sell some of my famous 
                         cookies, to these Hollywood types, and 
                         make a mint!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What kind of cookies?

                                     STAN
                         Calm down, tubby.

                                     CHEF
                         They're little cookies, with fudge in 
                         the middle. And I call them, "Fudge 
                         'Ems" 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I wanna Fudge 'Em.

                                     CHEF
                         I can just see the commercial now. "Wife 
                         got you down? Boss makin' you angry? 
                         Kids yellin' atcha? Well, Fudge 'Ems."
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Cool!

                                     CHEF
                         And I've also got my double chocolate 
                         cookies, "Fudge This."
 
                                     DIRECTOR 3
                          Oh look, one of the natives is selling 
                         local food wares. How quaint.
 
                                     WOMAN
                         This is why I come to these things, 
                         to get away from L.A. and become one 
                         with the more simple culture.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Well, perhaps you'd like to try my low-calorie 
                         cookies, "Go Fudge Yourself," or my 
                         all-natural, "I Don't Really Give A 
                         Flying Fudge."
 
                                     WOMAN
                         Ooh, do you have any tofu or steamed 
                         celery?
 
                                     CHEF
                         Huh?

                                     DIRECTOR 3
                         I would kill for some cous cous right 
                         now.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Whose goose?

                                     WOMAN
                         Uuuuh, never mind. We brought some food 
                         from the Natural Market in L.A.
 
                                     DIRECTOR 3
                         Cute sign, though. 

                                     WENDY
                          Stan, I have two tickets for the opening 
                         film of the festival. Would you like 
                         to come with me?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Stan, nunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh 
                         tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh hunh. 
                         Tunh tunh tunh tunh tinh teenh?
 
                                     STAN
                         Shut up, Cartman!  Sure, dude. I mean, 
                         since we have to write a paper on a 
                         film anyway. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         She'll be the death of him, Kyle. Mark 
                         my words: she'll be the death of him.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         If she holds his hand in that theater 
                         it'll be all over.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Get 'em while they're hot! My all new 
                         cookies! "I Just Went And Fudged Your 
                         Momma!"
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Jesus, he sure ran that one into the 
                         ground.
 
                                     [AT THE BIJOU, SOUTH PARK'S MOVIE THEATER. NOW PLAYING
                         Witness To Denial]

                                     STAN
                          When's this thing start? I hope there 
                         are some good previews.
 
                                     WENDY
                         Stan, film festival movies usually don't 
                         have previews before them.
 
                                     STAN
                         They what?!

               [the projectionist starts the film]

               WITNESS

               TO

               DENIAL

               A

               SEXUAL EXPLORATION

               PIECE

               BY

               CANDICE BUTCH

                                     [SCORE ON FOR CARTMAN
                         this is a black and white film]

                                     CANDICE
                          Who are you to judge my womanly soul? 
                          The Goddess flames that burn in my 
                         memory aren't dark. Dare you call them 
                         dark!  Here lies the Goddess truth of 
                         my body.
 
                                     STAN
                          Oh, brother.

                                     CANDICE
                         The Goddess that cries, "Freedom!"  
                         Here is the Goddess truth of my womanly 
                         being  You are my blossom, my flame. 
                         When we make love, it's like the sun 
                         is right outside the door.
 
                                     HER BLOSSOM
                         Then make love to me, right now. 

                                     STAN
                         Dude!

                                     WENDY
                         Sshh!

                                     STAN
                         Dude!

               [Kyle's house. He's in the restroom crapping away]

                                     KYLE
                         I can see clearly now, the rain is gone
 
                         
               I can see all obstacles in my way-

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          Bubbeleh you need to get to bed! It's 
                         late!
 
                                     KYLE
                         I'm poopies, ma!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Well, hurry up!

                                     KYLE
                         Gone are the dark clouds that had me-
 
                         
                                     MR. HANKEY
                          Ky-yle! Ky-yle!

                                     KYLE
                          Could it be?

                                     MR. HANKEY
                          Hooowwwdy ho! 

                                     KYLE
                         Mr. Hankey? Mr. Hankey, is that you? 
                         Hello?
 
               [Day two of the South Park Film Festival]

                                     TOM
                         I'm here live in South Park, Colorado, 
                         where citizens from Los Angeles are 
                         arriving in droves for the town's first 
                         annual film festival. This is just a 
                         small quiet mountain community where 
                         nothing out of the ordinary ever really 
                         happens,  except for the occasional 
                         complete destruction of the entire town 
                          and so the excitement level is naturally 
                         very high. Right now, the townspeople 
                         are anxiously awaiting the arrival of 
                         some of Hollywood's top celebrities. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                          It was him, dude. I told you, it was 
                         Mr. Hankey!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Wait, I thought Mr. Hankey only came 
                         at Christmastime.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well, I'm sure it was him.

                                     MAN
                         Look, look! Here comes somebody! 

                                     A WOMAN
                         Move aside, I can't see.

                                     TOM
                         Ladies and gentlemen, TV's Fred Savage. 
                         
 
                                     CROWD
                          AAWWWW! 

                                     TOM
                         Well, I'm sure a real person will show 
                         up soon.
 
                                     KYLE
                         So how was that movie last night, dude?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Aw, dude, you don't even wanna know!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         It had a bunch of gay cowboys eating 
                         pudding, huh?
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, pretty much.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes!

                                     STAN
                         The theater sucks, though. They need 
                         to get a bigger screen.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Maybe they should project the movies 
                         on Cartman's ass. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ay!

                                     STAN
                         Dude, now that'd be like IMAX. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, that's enough fatass jokes for 
                         this week.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Cartman's ass is so fuckin' huge that 
                         they could probably show six stupid 
                         films on it and still have some room, 
                         heheheheheh) 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, that does it. Screw you guys, 
                         I'm going home. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm gonna, just give me a minute.

                                     ROBERT REDFORD
                         This is perfect. Why didn't we think 
                         of it sooner? This town still has some 
                         charm left, not the mess we turned Park 
                         City into.
 
                                     PHYLLIS
                         Forgive me for being observant, but, 
                         won't we just end up doing the same 
                         thing to this town?
 
                                     ROBERT REDFORD
                         Yes. And the town after, and the town 
                         after that. Like termites, we will move 
                         this film festival from town to town 
                         until we have used it up. And then move 
                         on, until every quiet mountain town 
                         is like Los Angeles.
 
                                     PHYLLIS
                         Why? Why would we do such a thing?
 
                         
                                     ROBERT REDFORD
                         Because we have to live in L.A. And 
                         if we can't live in quiet, simple, peaceful 
                         mountain towns, then nobody will!  Waitwaitwait. 
                         Zoom in to a close-up of my face when 
                         I do that. Ready? Then NOBODY will! 
                          That's it.
 
               [The kids pass by Chef's booth. Cartman is still with them. Now 
               the booth says]
 
               CHEF'S

               SALTY BALLS

                                     CHEF
                         Children! I'm glad you're here! I want 
                         you to check out my new confectionaries. 
                         I think they're going to sell right 
                         through the roof! I call them, "Chef's 
                         Salty Chocolate Balls." 
 
                                     STAN
                         Are they good?

                                     CHEF
                         Try 'em. 

                                     STAN
                         Hey, dude, these are good!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, I love these Salty Chocolate Balls, 
                         Chef. 
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                          Ky-yle!

                                     KYLE
                         There it is again! 

                                     STAN
                         There is what again? 

                                     MR. HANKEY
                          Ky-yle!

                                     KYLE
                         It's Mr. Hankey! I think he's in some 
                         kind of trouble. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, how do you tell if a piece of 
                         poo is in trouble?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Where does that grill go?

                                     STAN
                         To the sewer, dude.

                                     KYLE
                         Of course, the sewer! That must be where 
                         he is. Come on!  Come on!
 
                                     CHEF
                         

               Hey, everybody, have you seen my balls? They're big and salty 
               and brown
 
               If you ever need a quick pick-me-up, just stick my balls in your 
               mouth
 
               Ooooo, suck on my cho-colate salty balls put 'em in your mouth
 
               
               Put 'em in your mouth and suck 'em and suck 'em…

               [The boys are now in the sewer with flashlights in hand. A rat 
               clambors up a pipe and out of view. Spiderwebs are everywhere]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Aw, man, smells like ass down here.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Of course it smells like ass, retard. 
                         It's a sewer! 
 
                                     STAN
                         What was that? 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Aw, man, let's get out of here!

                                     KYLE
                         We can't, dude. Not until we find Mr. 
                         Hankey. 
 
                                     THE BOYS
                         Aaaaah!

                                     KENNY
                         (Wait!) 

                                     KYLE
                         What the hell? 

                                     STAN
                         Mr. Garrison?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh uub- hello, children.

                                     CARTMAN
                         What are you doing down in the sewer 
                         with a bunch of snorkel stuff on?
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh I- I was just-uh hangin' out.

                                     KYLE
                         In a sewer?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Children, do you know how to file a 
                         police report?
 
                                     THE BOYS
                         No.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Good. See you in school. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         This is ridiculous! What the hell are 
                         we, the Goonies?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, we're the Goonies, Cartman. Why 
                         don't you pretend like you're the fat 
                         kid?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, that does it. Screw you guys, 
                         I'm home. 
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Hooowwwdy ho! 

                                     KYLE
                         Mr. Hankey!

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Howdy-ho, boys.

                                     KYLE
                         I told you guys he'd be here!

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Gosh, look at yuh. You're all growin' 
                         up sho fasht.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hi, Mr. Hankey. Nice to see yuh.

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Have you all been brushing behind your 
                         teeth?
 
                                     THE BOYS
                         Yes.

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         And usin' dental floss?

                                     THE BOYS
                         Yes.

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         And washin' behind your ears?

                                     THE BOYS
                         Yes.

                                     CARTMAN
                         No. 

                                     KYLE
                         What's the matter, Mr. Hankey? Are you 
                         sick?
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Oh, I just got a little cold is all. 
                         All these new people in South Park are 
                         stressful unto my home.
 
                                     STAN
                         What do you mean?

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Well, you see, boys, the sewer is a 
                         fragile ecosystem.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh my God.

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         These new folks in town eat nothin' 
                         but cous cous, tofu, and raw vegetables, 
                         and it's destroying my environment.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         And that's why you got a cold?

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         That's why, Kyle. That's why.

                                     STAN
                         Well, why don't you just ask them to 
                         leave?
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         There's only one time of year I can 
                         come to the surface, and that's Christmastime. 
                         That's why I need you boys to go for 
                         me. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Don't worry, Mr. Hankey. We'll go tell 
                         everyone. Come on, guys. 
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Don't forget to change your sheets once 
                         a week! 
 
                                     [BACK AT THE FESTIVAL… PLAYING AT THE BIJOU
                         "A Bunch Of Gay Cowboys Eating Pudding." 
                         Score another one for Cartman. Inside, 
                         the festival host stands before the 
                         movie audience]
 
                                     HOST
                         So without further ado we will begin 
                         this amazing film. It's a work of blood, 
                         sweat, and tears.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Wait! Stop! Could I have your attention, 
                         please?
 
                                     DIRECTOR 4
                         Is that Leonardo Di Caprio? 

                                     KYLE
                          Aaahh!

                                     DIRECTOR 4
                         Ohuh no, wait, that's not him. 

                                     KYLE
                         Ladies and gentlemen, my best friend, 
                         Mr. Hankey, is getting sick because 
                         South Park has become overcrowded with 
                         people who eat health food.
 
                                     FEMALE DIRECTOR
                         Excuse me, little boy, what's a "Mr. 
                         Hankey"?
 
                                     KYLE
                         He's a talking piece of poo that lives 
                         in the sewer. But now he's getting sick 
                         because his -egosystem is all out of 
                         whack because of all the extra poo in 
                         the sewer. If you don't all leave and 
                         go home soon, Mr. Hankey's gonna die. 
                         He's one of my best friends in the whole 
                         wide worldeh, and I don't want him to 
                         die. 
 
                                     DIRECTOR 3
                         What a great story-it has everything!
 
                         
                                     FEMALE DIRECTOR
                         This could be the next Free Willy.
 
                         
                                     DIRECTOR 5
                         Great pic, son. How much do you want 
                         for it?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Huh??

                                     DIRECTOR 6
                         Does it-uh have to be a talking piece 
                         of poo? 
 
                                     DIRECTOR 7
                         It could be a crime-fighting rabbit. 
                         Or a lovable turtle.
 
                                     DIRECTOR 4
                         This could be a great summer movie.
 
                         
                                     FEMALE DIRECTOR 2
                          Can we put a mon-key in it?

                                     DIRECTOR 8
                         "The Mr. Hankey Stor-" uh is Harrison 
                         Ford available for a fall pic?
 
                                     DIRECTOR 9
                         Keanu Reeves.

                                     DIRECTOR 10
                         Matt Damon!

                                     FRED SAVAGE
                         Fred Savage! 

                                     DIRECTOR 7
                         I'd pay a million for this story!

                                     DIRECTOR 10
                         I'll pay two. 

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, no one even listened to me.

                                     STAN
                         Well um, it does sound like a pretty 
                         sweet movie.
 
                                     DIRECTOR 3
                          Mmuh I take it you're part owner of 
                         this whole Mr. Hooey story, right?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Huh? Uhuh, yeah, I guess.

                                     DIRECTOR 3
                         I want you to do a big-money deal with 
                         me.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         All of us?

                                     DIRECTOR 3
                         Mm-we-hell, I can see that you're the 
                         real brains of the group. You don't 
                         really need those guys, do you?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ye-ah, screw those guys. I don't even 
                         like them.
 
                                     DIRECTOR 3
                         Hm-that's great, kid. Let's make a deal. 
                         
 
               [In front of the library. Robert Redford and Phyllis have something 
               to announce. Of course, the Mayor and her aides are there]
 
               
                                     ROBERT
                         Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank 
                         you all for making the First Annual 
                         South Park Film Festival a success. 
                         We've barely even started and already 
                         the festival has seen more attendance 
                         than last year's Sundance festival. 
                         
 
                                     SOMEONE IN THE CROWD
                         Fantastic!

                                     ROBERT
                         And I'm very pleased to announce that 
                         in honor of the South Park people who 
                         have welcomed us, we are going to build 
                         a Hollywood Planet restaurant, right 
                         here where this library used to stand. 
                         
 
                                     CROWD
                          Ooohhh!

                                     AIDE 2
                         Can they do that?

                                     MAYOR
                         They're Hollywood! They can do anything!
 
                         
               [Kyle is in the sewer all alone, looking to tell Mr. Hankey the 
               bad news. An organ is heard]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Mr. Hankey!  Mr. Hankey?!  Mr. Hankey?
 
                         
                                     MR. HANKEY
                          Oh, Kyle. Howdy-ho.  Well, how did 
                         it go? Is everyone gonna stop poopin' 
                         in my environment?
 
                                     KYLE
                         They didn't believe me. They thought 
                         I was pitching a movie.
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                          Oh. I, I see. Welluh shucks, Kyle, 
                         I can't thank you enough for tryin' 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                          We only have one option. I've gotta 
                         take you to the surface.
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Aw I can't. The sun'll dry me out.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         It's the only way to prove to them that 
                         you're real.
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         But I won't last long up above.

                                     KYLE
                         Well, you're not gonna last down here 
                         either, Mr. Hankey. Now, come on! I'm 
                         not gonna let you die!
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         All right, just let me get my toothbrush. 
                         
 
               [The Bijou. Wendy and Stan are heading for the ticket booth]
 
               
                                     WENDY
                         Come on, Stan, we're gonna be late for 
                         the screening! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Jeez, they made that into a movie already?
 
                         
               [Inside, they sit in the first row, middle two seats]

                                     TOM HANKS
                          Mr. Hankey, I can't go on anymore. 
                         I've lost the fight.
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                          No, I'm not leaving without you.  We 
                         started this together, we're gonna finish 
                         it together. 
 
                                     TOM HANKS
                         I always thought death was something 
                         glorious, but now I know that it's not. 
                         
 
                                     DIRECTOR 3
                          It's going over really well. People 
                         are gonna be knocking my door down to 
                         get you.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Who the hell cast Tom Hanks in this?! 
                         Tom Hanks can't act his way out of a 
                         nutsack!
 
                                     TOM HANKS
                          I'll always love you, Mr. Hankey.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          I'll momaymumyeu, Meemuhmammy.

               [Kenny waits outside for Stan and Wendy, so he's passing the 
               time with a yo-yo. The doors open and the patrons flood out, 
               crushing Kenny]
 
                                     MAN 1
                         Oh my God, I found a penny! 

                                     MAN 2
                         You bastard!

               [The street. A manhole cover pops up and Kyle comes out with 
               Mr. Hankey.]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Mph. Okay, Mr. Hankey. We're out. How 
                         are you doin'?
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                          It sure is -dry up here. 

                                     KYLE
                         Don't worry. We'll do this quick, okay? 
                         Just hang on, Mr. Hankey, just hang 
                         on!
 
               [Construction is under way at the]

                                     MAYOR
                         Excuse me, Mr. Film Commissioner, could 
                         I have a word with you?
 
                                     ROBERT
                          Make it quick.

                                     MAYOR
                         Well, the people of my town are a little 
                         upset. I don't think we realized what 
                         an impact this festival would have on 
                         our town.
 
                                     ROBERT
                         Uh-huh.

                                     MAYOR
                         Right. So, we were actually wondering 
                         if we could call this whole thing off?
 
                         
                                     ROBERT
                         We have contracts.  You try to pull 
                         out now, we'll sue your little town 
                         for every penny it's got. But thanks 
                         so much for the hard work.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Eh but, but this doesn't make sense 
                         to me, Marty! Okay, you told me the 
                         movie made a lot of money!
 
                                     MARTY
                         Mmp right. Two million, minus your agent's 
                         fee, minus your lawyer's fee, minus 
                         my fee, and the publicity and taxes 
                         taken out, you get three dollare! That's 
                         more than most people in your position 
                         make, trust me!
 
                                     STAN
                          Serves you right, Cartman! You're a 
                         sellout!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm not a sellout! What's a sellout?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         If you work in the entertainment business 
                         and you make money, you're a sellout!
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                          It's all gone to hell, children. And 
                         we're all to blame. Even me!  I was 
                         sellin' out my town, too! And now look 
                         at it. 
 
                                     STAN
                         So what do we do now?

                                     CHEF
                         There's nothin' we can do. Just sit 
                         here and suck on my balls.
 
                                     KYLE
                          You guys, we have to hurry!

                                     STAN
                         Why?

                                     KYLE
                         Come on! Everything's gonna be okay! 
                          Sir! Sir!
 
                                     ROBERT
                         Not now!

                                     KYLE
                         I have to show you something.  I think 
                         it will change the way you feel about 
                         your impact here.
 
                                     A DIRECTOR
                         What's this? 

                                     KYLE
                         I want you guys to all meet my friend. 
                         
 
                                     ROBERT
                         That's great, kid. A dried-out lump 
                         of shit; very compelling.  Okay, folks, 
                         let's move! We've gotta have that sign 
                         down in time for the opening tonight!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         You can't die, Mr. Hankey. You can't.
 
                         
                                     MR. HANKEY
                          Kyle. Be-fore I go there's something 
                         I must tell you. Come clo-ser.  Clo-ser.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          Well-. Huwhat is it, Mr. Hankey?

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         There is a-nother Sky-walk-er. 

                                     KYLE
                         Nooohohohohohoho-

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Wake up.

                                     KYLE
                         What is it, Mr. Hankey?

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Come clo-ser.

                                     KYLE
                          What is it?

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Clo-ser.

                                     KYLE
                          Yes?

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Closer!  One time, when you were sleeping, 
                         I put myself in your mouth and had my 
                         friend take a picture. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Nooo! 

                                     VOICE OVER
                         

               Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo. He loves me, I love you.

               Therefore vicariously he loves you-

                                     KYLE
                         Nooo!

                                     HAZMAT OFFICIAL
                         I'm sorry, son. Let's get him to ICU. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                          Noo! No!

                                     STAN
                          Are you gonna be okay, dude? I'm here 
                         for you.
 
                                     WENDY
                          Hi, Stan. Ready to go see another movie? 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Okay! 

                                     KYLE
                         Uuf.

                                     [NOW SHOWING
                         "BOW DOWN TO HOLLYWOOD, SOUTH PARK" 
                         A Film by TOM M. POONER. But inside, 
                         it's "A Bunch Of Gay Cowboys Eating 
                         Pudding", in color. Stan reaches for 
                         Wendy's hand. She notices, then looks 
                         at him. He pulls his hand back and looks 
                         at the screen.]
 
                                     COWBOY
                         Say, Tom. Do you have any pudding left?
 
                         
                                     TOM
                         I ate all mine up, silly.

                                     COWBOY
                         Well then, now what do we do? 

                                     MAN
                         AAWWWW!

                                     WENDY
                         Eeewww!

                                     MAN
                          Hey!

                                     STAN
                         Sorry.

                                     COWBOY
                         Well, why don't we just explore our 
                         sexuality?
 
                                     TOM
                         Ooh, good idea. Let's. 

                                     STAN
                         Aw, dude, I shouldn't be seeing this! 
                          Blaach! 
 
                                     MAN
                         Aaww!  Is there a problem, young man?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         No problem, dude.

               [Hell's Pass Hospital. Chef and Kyle are at the ICU. The window 
               above Mr. Hankey's bed is sealed so no sunlight gets in. The 
               whole room is sealed in. Mr. Hankey has several wires streaming 
               into him]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Ihull never forget you. You were my 
                         best friend after Stan.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Come on, Kyle. It's time to go.

                                     KYLE
                         Chef, does poo go to heaven?

                                     CHEF
                          Well, uh-I kinda hope not.  I mean, 
                         sure it does.  Here. I'll give him one 
                         of my Salty Balls to take with him to 
                         poo heaven.  Come on, let's go. 
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                          Kyle.

                                     KYLE
                          Mr. Hankey?

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Howdy-ho.

                                     KYLE
                         He's back! He's back! 

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         That was delicious.

                                     CHEF
                         My Salty Chocolate Balls must have re-juvenated 
                         him!
 
                                     KYLE
                         You've got the best balls in the whole 
                         world, Chef.
 
                                     CHEF
                         You're daaamn right.

               GRAND OPENING

               [Hollywood Planet is finished and waiting for its unveiling. 
               But first, Cartman's booth]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Step on up, get them here! Mr. Hankey 
                         & Me T-shirts! Get them while they last, 
                         folks. for only $14.95! 
 
                                     WOMAN
                         I'll take two.

                                     MAN
                         I'd like to pay for one.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Selling T-shirts kicks ass!

               [The film commissioner is at the podium]

                                     ROBERT
                         Ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to 
                         announce on this Gala Opening of Hollywood 
                         Planet South Park, that the festival 
                         will be back next year!  And the year 
                         after that, and the year after that, 
                         and so on! And now, release the curtain! 
                          I give you, "Hollywood in South Park!" 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Wait!  I brought him! I brought him 
                         to show you! 
 
                                     ROBERT
                          Oh, not this again!

                                     KYLE
                         Behold! Mr. Hankey! 

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Hoooooowwwdy-ho! 

                                     ROBERT
                         Anyway, this new Hollywood Planet will 
                         be the official meeting place for all-
 
                         
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Howdy-ho, folks. I'm afraid my buddy 
                         Kyle was right. There's not enough room 
                         in South Park to accomodate a festival.
 
                         
                                     SHORT MAN
                         Mr. Poo, if you wouldn't mind, we can't 
                         hear our chairman. If you could just 
                         turn yourself down. You're at about 
                         7 right now, we need you at about, 3, 
                         okay? 
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Uh, folks, please. Little towns like 
                         this simply aren't made for friggin' 
                         films. We love havin' visitors, but 
                         golly, too many of you is hurtin' our 
                         ecosystem. Be-sides, folks, film festivals 
                         shouldn't be about what celebritites 
                         are comin' or what film is gonna get 
                         sold. It should be about people gettin' 
                         together, and watchin' movies, and about 
                         people who could never get their movies 
                         seen havin' a chance to have it watched, 
                         if only once. A good film festival should 
                         be something where we all say, "Gaw, 
                         let's forget about lawyers and managers 
                         and studios and celebrities. Let's forget 
                         all those things for just a while, and 
                         just watch some new art." 
 
                                     ROBERT
                          I have had enough of you! 

                                     MR. HANKEY
                          Nyyaarrrr!

                                     KYLE
                         No! 

                                     ROBERT
                         Now, as I was saying, this shall usher 
                         in a whole new decade of film festivals. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                          O-hoho he's dead. Mr. Hankey's dead. 
                         
 
                                     CHEF
                         Well, it worked once before. 

                                     MR. HANKEY
                          Hi, Chef. Your big chocolate balls 
                         are just the trick! 
 
                                     STAN
                         What the hell is he doing?

                                     KYLE
                         I don't know.

               [Mr. Hankey hops up to Hollywood Planet and jumps onto the top 
               of the globe. He is now fully dressed as a sorcerer's apprentice 
               (!) and does his magic. At the wave of his hands clouds gather 
               and poo jumps out of manholes and grills throughout the town]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Whoa!

               [the film commissioner is awed. Mr. Hankey continues wielding 
               his power, and three poo men rise up out of the poo that now 
               covers the street. They start to dance]
 
                                     AN AGENT
                         Oh my God!

               [Mr. Hankey continues. Poo pours forth from the Porto Potties 
               nearby and builds into a giant wave]
 
                                     CROWD MEMBERS
                          Aaaaahh!

               [the poo squelches them and sweeps them away. People clear out 
               of the Hollywood Planet area. The Film Commissioner and Phyllis 
               get out as well. Mr. Hankey is brewing something up and releases 
               it]
 
                                     MAN
                         Oh, my God, it's crap!

                                     MAN 2
                         Ohh! Noo! 

                                     MAN 3
                         Whoa, it smells, it smells! 

                                     PHYLLIS
                          Come on, let's go! It's coming!

                                     ROBERT
                          I'm trying, damn it!

               [Mr. Hankey directs the twister back and forth as it picks up 
               stuff and people. He then has it engulf Hollywood Planet. The 
               poo seeps into Robert Redford's car and fills it up]
 
                                     ROBERT
                         Aww. Aww. Glup. 

                                     MAN
                         Let's get out of this town!

               [Whatever people are left get into their cars and drive out quickly. 
               Mr. Hankey lets up and relaxes, and the clouds clear away. The 
               town is covered in poo. So are the townspeople]
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                          Gosh. I guess I don't know my own strength. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         You did it, Mr. Hankey. You got rid 
                         of all the film people!
 
                                     TOWNSFOLK
                         Hooray!

                                     MAYOR
                         Ooh, yeaah. Now all we have is a town 
                         covered in shit! This is much better!
 
                         
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         I couldn't have done it without you, 
                         Kyle.  Kisses. 
 
                                     WENDY
                          Stan, I'm sorry I dragged you to all 
                         those independent films.
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh, that's okay Wendy. I forgive you.
 
                         
                                     WENDY
                         Somethimes I forget that even though 
                         a few independent films are great, most 
                         of them suck ass.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes. And I've learned something, too. 
                          Being a sellout is sweet. Because you 
                         make a lot of money. And when you have 
                         money, you don't have to hang out with 
                         any poor-ass losers- like you guys. 
                         Screw you guys, I'ma goin' home.
 
               [End of Chef's Salty Chocolate Balls. The song of the same name 
               plays]
  


Chef's chocolate salty balls



Writers :   Trey Parker  Matt Stone  Nancy Pimental
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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