"CHEF'S CHOCOLATE SALTY BALLS"
Trey Parker, Matt Stone & Nancy Pimental
SUNDANCE FILM FESTIVAL
[A small Western town. Bustling sounds are heard as the camera
slowly pans down. A crowd streams by in the background behind
a sports car and limo, and front and center are Robert Redford
and a woman]
Why do we hold the Sundance Film Festival
here, Phyllis? It's so painfully crowded.
Because. People from L.A. love to come
to a quaint little mountain town for
a few days, and this gives them an excuse.
No, this used to be a quaint little
mountain town. Now look at it. Sushi
restaurants, upscale clothes stores,
$25 parking, Liam Neeson… I tell you,
Phyllis, I think we've tapped this town's
resource out. We must move this festival
to another small mountain town and begin
That's not a bad idea. But where?
[South Park. Winter is indeed back. A man hums as he arrives
at the town flag pole with a purple flag and runs it up to the
top. It unfurls, revealing]
[a crowd instantly pours in and mills about]
MAN IN BACKGROUND
Ching ching cha-ching.
MAN IN FOREGROUND
[South Park Elementary]
Okay, children. I have some very exciting
news for you… Oo-why don't you tell
them, Mr. Twig?
That's right, Mr. Garrison. The First
Annual South Park Film Festival begins
They're not gonna show that stupid-ass
Godzilla movie again, are they?
Nono, Kyle. These are independent films.
Hoohh, like Independence Day? That sucked
No, dude, independent films are those
black and white hippie movies. They're
always about gay cowboys eating pudding.
No they're not! Independent films are
produced outside the Hollywood system.
They're movies about all the glitz and
glamour of Hollywood.
Byeh, sure. Well, you show me one independent
film that isn't about gay cowboys eating
Once again, you have no idea what you're
talking about, fatass!
I'm not fat! I just haven't grown into
my body yet, skinny bitch!
Eric, if you call Wendy a bitch one
more time, I'm sending you to the principal's
That's it Eric, you-!
Anyway, children, I want you all to
see at least one independent film at
the festival and then write a paper
about it. The first film showing is
called Witness To Denial, and it's a
sexual exploration piece about two women
Oh, my uncle Jimbo has a ton of those
movies in his dresser drawer.
1ST ANNUAL SOUTH PARK FILM FESTIVAL
[there's certainly a lot of people now. Two of them are talking
to their people back home.]
Norma, I want to shoot the script next
month with Demi Moore instead.
Well you can tell Spielberg he can
kiss my ass!
Wow, look at this, Johnson. Traffic
jams at every intersection, hordes of
people pushing their way through the
crowd. It's almost like we're a real
[After school and the kids are out in the town]
I can't believe I got sent to the principal's
office because of your stupid girlfriend!
She's not my girlfriend.
(Yeah, that's because you vomit on her
all the time.)
Damn, dude. Look at all these people.
I'm late for a screening, I'll call
you from the theater.
All this for a bunch of stupid movies?
[They come upon a stand that says]
Hello there, children!
Children, this whoole film festival
thing has quite lucrative monetary possibilities.
Now I'm gonna sell some of my famous
cookies, to these Hollywood types, and
make a mint!
What kind of cookies?
Calm down, tubby.
They're little cookies, with fudge in
the middle. And I call them, "Fudge
I wanna Fudge 'Em.
I can just see the commercial now. "Wife
got you down? Boss makin' you angry?
Kids yellin' atcha? Well, Fudge 'Ems."
And I've also got my double chocolate
cookies, "Fudge This."
Oh look, one of the natives is selling
local food wares. How quaint.
This is why I come to these things,
to get away from L.A. and become one
with the more simple culture.
Well, perhaps you'd like to try my low-calorie
cookies, "Go Fudge Yourself," or my
all-natural, "I Don't Really Give A
Ooh, do you have any tofu or steamed
I would kill for some cous cous right
Uuuuh, never mind. We brought some food
from the Natural Market in L.A.
Cute sign, though.
Stan, I have two tickets for the opening
film of the festival. Would you like
to come with me?
Stan, nunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh
tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh hunh.
Tunh tunh tunh tunh tinh teenh?
Shut up, Cartman! Sure, dude. I mean,
since we have to write a paper on a
She'll be the death of him, Kyle. Mark
my words: she'll be the death of him.
If she holds his hand in that theater
it'll be all over.
Get 'em while they're hot! My all new
cookies! "I Just Went And Fudged Your
Jesus, he sure ran that one into the
[AT THE BIJOU, SOUTH PARK'S MOVIE THEATER. NOW PLAYING
Witness To Denial]
When's this thing start? I hope there
are some good previews.
Stan, film festival movies usually don't
have previews before them.
[the projectionist starts the film]
[SCORE ON FOR CARTMAN
this is a black and white film]
Who are you to judge my womanly soul?
The Goddess flames that burn in my
memory aren't dark. Dare you call them
dark! Here lies the Goddess truth of
The Goddess that cries, "Freedom!"
Here is the Goddess truth of my womanly
being You are my blossom, my flame.
When we make love, it's like the sun
is right outside the door.
Then make love to me, right now.
[Kyle's house. He's in the restroom crapping away]
I can see clearly now, the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way-
Bubbeleh you need to get to bed! It's
I'm poopies, ma!
Well, hurry up!
Gone are the dark clouds that had me-
Could it be?
Mr. Hankey? Mr. Hankey, is that you?
[Day two of the South Park Film Festival]
I'm here live in South Park, Colorado,
where citizens from Los Angeles are
arriving in droves for the town's first
annual film festival. This is just a
small quiet mountain community where
nothing out of the ordinary ever really
happens, except for the occasional
complete destruction of the entire town
and so the excitement level is naturally
very high. Right now, the townspeople
are anxiously awaiting the arrival of
some of Hollywood's top celebrities.
It was him, dude. I told you, it was
Wait, I thought Mr. Hankey only came
Well, I'm sure it was him.
Look, look! Here comes somebody!
Move aside, I can't see.
Ladies and gentlemen, TV's Fred Savage.
Well, I'm sure a real person will show
So how was that movie last night, dude?
Aw, dude, you don't even wanna know!
It had a bunch of gay cowboys eating
Yeah, pretty much.
The theater sucks, though. They need
to get a bigger screen.
Maybe they should project the movies
on Cartman's ass.
Dude, now that'd be like IMAX.
Okay, that's enough fatass jokes for
(Cartman's ass is so fuckin' huge that
they could probably show six stupid
films on it and still have some room,
Okay, that does it. Screw you guys,
I'm going home.
I'm gonna, just give me a minute.
This is perfect. Why didn't we think
of it sooner? This town still has some
charm left, not the mess we turned Park
Forgive me for being observant, but,
won't we just end up doing the same
thing to this town?
Yes. And the town after, and the town
after that. Like termites, we will move
this film festival from town to town
until we have used it up. And then move
on, until every quiet mountain town
is like Los Angeles.
Why? Why would we do such a thing?
Because we have to live in L.A. And
if we can't live in quiet, simple, peaceful
mountain towns, then nobody will! Waitwaitwait.
Zoom in to a close-up of my face when
I do that. Ready? Then NOBODY will!
[The kids pass by Chef's booth. Cartman is still with them. Now
the booth says]
Children! I'm glad you're here! I want
you to check out my new confectionaries.
I think they're going to sell right
through the roof! I call them, "Chef's
Salty Chocolate Balls."
Are they good?
Hey, dude, these are good!
Yeah, I love these Salty Chocolate Balls,
There it is again!
There is what again?
It's Mr. Hankey! I think he's in some
kind of trouble.
Dude, how do you tell if a piece of
poo is in trouble?
Where does that grill go?
To the sewer, dude.
Of course, the sewer! That must be where
he is. Come on! Come on!
Hey, everybody, have you seen my balls? They're big and salty
If you ever need a quick pick-me-up, just stick my balls in your
Ooooo, suck on my cho-colate salty balls put 'em in your mouth
Put 'em in your mouth and suck 'em and suck 'em…
[The boys are now in the sewer with flashlights in hand. A rat
clambors up a pipe and out of view. Spiderwebs are everywhere]
Aw, man, smells like ass down here.
Of course it smells like ass, retard.
It's a sewer!
What was that?
Aw, man, let's get out of here!
We can't, dude. Not until we find Mr.
What the hell?
Oh uub- hello, children.
What are you doing down in the sewer
with a bunch of snorkel stuff on?
Oh I- I was just-uh hangin' out.
In a sewer?
Children, do you know how to file a
Good. See you in school.
This is ridiculous! What the hell are
we, the Goonies?
Yeah, we're the Goonies, Cartman. Why
don't you pretend like you're the fat
Okay, that does it. Screw you guys,
I told you guys he'd be here!
Gosh, look at yuh. You're all growin'
up sho fasht.
Hi, Mr. Hankey. Nice to see yuh.
Have you all been brushing behind your
And usin' dental floss?
And washin' behind your ears?
What's the matter, Mr. Hankey? Are you
Oh, I just got a little cold is all.
All these new people in South Park are
stressful unto my home.
What do you mean?
Well, you see, boys, the sewer is a
Oh my God.
These new folks in town eat nothin'
but cous cous, tofu, and raw vegetables,
and it's destroying my environment.
And that's why you got a cold?
That's why, Kyle. That's why.
Well, why don't you just ask them to
There's only one time of year I can
come to the surface, and that's Christmastime.
That's why I need you boys to go for
Don't worry, Mr. Hankey. We'll go tell
everyone. Come on, guys.
Don't forget to change your sheets once
[BACK AT THE FESTIVAL… PLAYING AT THE BIJOU
"A Bunch Of Gay Cowboys Eating Pudding."
Score another one for Cartman. Inside,
the festival host stands before the
So without further ado we will begin
this amazing film. It's a work of blood,
sweat, and tears.
Wait! Stop! Could I have your attention,
Is that Leonardo Di Caprio?
Ohuh no, wait, that's not him.
Ladies and gentlemen, my best friend,
Mr. Hankey, is getting sick because
South Park has become overcrowded with
people who eat health food.
Excuse me, little boy, what's a "Mr.
He's a talking piece of poo that lives
in the sewer. But now he's getting sick
because his -egosystem is all out of
whack because of all the extra poo in
the sewer. If you don't all leave and
go home soon, Mr. Hankey's gonna die.
He's one of my best friends in the whole
wide worldeh, and I don't want him to
What a great story-it has everything!
This could be the next Free Willy.
Great pic, son. How much do you want
Does it-uh have to be a talking piece
It could be a crime-fighting rabbit.
Or a lovable turtle.
This could be a great summer movie.
FEMALE DIRECTOR 2
Can we put a mon-key in it?
"The Mr. Hankey Stor-" uh is Harrison
Ford available for a fall pic?
I'd pay a million for this story!
I'll pay two.
Dude, no one even listened to me.
Well um, it does sound like a pretty
Mmuh I take it you're part owner of
this whole Mr. Hooey story, right?
Huh? Uhuh, yeah, I guess.
I want you to do a big-money deal with
All of us?
Mm-we-hell, I can see that you're the
real brains of the group. You don't
really need those guys, do you?
Ye-ah, screw those guys. I don't even
Hm-that's great, kid. Let's make a deal.
[In front of the library. Robert Redford and Phyllis have something
to announce. Of course, the Mayor and her aides are there]
Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank
you all for making the First Annual
South Park Film Festival a success.
We've barely even started and already
the festival has seen more attendance
than last year's Sundance festival.
SOMEONE IN THE CROWD
And I'm very pleased to announce that
in honor of the South Park people who
have welcomed us, we are going to build
a Hollywood Planet restaurant, right
here where this library used to stand.
Can they do that?
They're Hollywood! They can do anything!
[Kyle is in the sewer all alone, looking to tell Mr. Hankey the
bad news. An organ is heard]
Mr. Hankey! Mr. Hankey?! Mr. Hankey?
Oh, Kyle. Howdy-ho. Well, how did
it go? Is everyone gonna stop poopin'
in my environment?
They didn't believe me. They thought
I was pitching a movie.
Oh. I, I see. Welluh shucks, Kyle,
I can't thank you enough for tryin'
We only have one option. I've gotta
take you to the surface.
Aw I can't. The sun'll dry me out.
It's the only way to prove to them that
But I won't last long up above.
Well, you're not gonna last down here
either, Mr. Hankey. Now, come on! I'm
not gonna let you die!
All right, just let me get my toothbrush.
[The Bijou. Wendy and Stan are heading for the ticket booth]
Come on, Stan, we're gonna be late for
Jeez, they made that into a movie already?
[Inside, they sit in the first row, middle two seats]
Mr. Hankey, I can't go on anymore.
I've lost the fight.
No, I'm not leaving without you. We
started this together, we're gonna finish
I always thought death was something
glorious, but now I know that it's not.
It's going over really well. People
are gonna be knocking my door down to
Who the hell cast Tom Hanks in this?!
Tom Hanks can't act his way out of a
I'll always love you, Mr. Hankey.
I'll momaymumyeu, Meemuhmammy.
[Kenny waits outside for Stan and Wendy, so he's passing the
time with a yo-yo. The doors open and the patrons flood out,
Oh my God, I found a penny!
[The street. A manhole cover pops up and Kyle comes out with
Mph. Okay, Mr. Hankey. We're out. How
are you doin'?
It sure is -dry up here.
Don't worry. We'll do this quick, okay?
Just hang on, Mr. Hankey, just hang
[Construction is under way at the]
Excuse me, Mr. Film Commissioner, could
I have a word with you?
Make it quick.
Well, the people of my town are a little
upset. I don't think we realized what
an impact this festival would have on
Right. So, we were actually wondering
if we could call this whole thing off?
We have contracts. You try to pull
out now, we'll sue your little town
for every penny it's got. But thanks
so much for the hard work.
Eh but, but this doesn't make sense
to me, Marty! Okay, you told me the
movie made a lot of money!
Mmp right. Two million, minus your agent's
fee, minus your lawyer's fee, minus
my fee, and the publicity and taxes
taken out, you get three dollare! That's
more than most people in your position
make, trust me!
Serves you right, Cartman! You're a
I'm not a sellout! What's a sellout?
If you work in the entertainment business
and you make money, you're a sellout!
It's all gone to hell, children. And
we're all to blame. Even me! I was
sellin' out my town, too! And now look
So what do we do now?
There's nothin' we can do. Just sit
here and suck on my balls.
You guys, we have to hurry!
Come on! Everything's gonna be okay!
I have to show you something. I think
it will change the way you feel about
your impact here.
I want you guys to all meet my friend.
That's great, kid. A dried-out lump
of shit; very compelling. Okay, folks,
let's move! We've gotta have that sign
down in time for the opening tonight!
You can't die, Mr. Hankey. You can't.
Kyle. Be-fore I go there's something
I must tell you. Come clo-ser. Clo-ser.
Well-. Huwhat is it, Mr. Hankey?
There is a-nother Sky-walk-er.
What is it, Mr. Hankey?
What is it?
Closer! One time, when you were sleeping,
I put myself in your mouth and had my
friend take a picture.
Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo. He loves me, I love you.
Therefore vicariously he loves you-
I'm sorry, son. Let's get him to ICU.
Are you gonna be okay, dude? I'm here
Hi, Stan. Ready to go see another movie?
"BOW DOWN TO HOLLYWOOD, SOUTH PARK"
A Film by TOM M. POONER. But inside,
it's "A Bunch Of Gay Cowboys Eating
Pudding", in color. Stan reaches for
Wendy's hand. She notices, then looks
at him. He pulls his hand back and looks
at the screen.]
Say, Tom. Do you have any pudding left?
I ate all mine up, silly.
Well then, now what do we do?
Well, why don't we just explore our
Ooh, good idea. Let's.
Aw, dude, I shouldn't be seeing this!
Aaww! Is there a problem, young man?
No problem, dude.
[Hell's Pass Hospital. Chef and Kyle are at the ICU. The window
above Mr. Hankey's bed is sealed so no sunlight gets in. The
whole room is sealed in. Mr. Hankey has several wires streaming
Ihull never forget you. You were my
best friend after Stan.
Come on, Kyle. It's time to go.
Chef, does poo go to heaven?
Well, uh-I kinda hope not. I mean,
sure it does. Here. I'll give him one
of my Salty Balls to take with him to
poo heaven. Come on, let's go.
He's back! He's back!
That was delicious.
My Salty Chocolate Balls must have re-juvenated
You've got the best balls in the whole
You're daaamn right.
[Hollywood Planet is finished and waiting for its unveiling.
But first, Cartman's booth]
Step on up, get them here! Mr. Hankey
& Me T-shirts! Get them while they last,
folks. for only $14.95!
I'll take two.
I'd like to pay for one.
Selling T-shirts kicks ass!
[The film commissioner is at the podium]
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to
announce on this Gala Opening of Hollywood
Planet South Park, that the festival
will be back next year! And the year
after that, and the year after that,
and so on! And now, release the curtain!
I give you, "Hollywood in South Park!"
Wait! I brought him! I brought him
to show you!
Oh, not this again!
Behold! Mr. Hankey!
Anyway, this new Hollywood Planet will
be the official meeting place for all-
Howdy-ho, folks. I'm afraid my buddy
Kyle was right. There's not enough room
in South Park to accomodate a festival.
Mr. Poo, if you wouldn't mind, we can't
hear our chairman. If you could just
turn yourself down. You're at about
7 right now, we need you at about, 3,
Uh, folks, please. Little towns like
this simply aren't made for friggin'
films. We love havin' visitors, but
golly, too many of you is hurtin' our
ecosystem. Be-sides, folks, film festivals
shouldn't be about what celebritites
are comin' or what film is gonna get
sold. It should be about people gettin'
together, and watchin' movies, and about
people who could never get their movies
seen havin' a chance to have it watched,
if only once. A good film festival should
be something where we all say, "Gaw,
let's forget about lawyers and managers
and studios and celebrities. Let's forget
all those things for just a while, and
just watch some new art."
I have had enough of you!
Now, as I was saying, this shall usher
in a whole new decade of film festivals.
O-hoho he's dead. Mr. Hankey's dead.
Well, it worked once before.
Hi, Chef. Your big chocolate balls
are just the trick!
What the hell is he doing?
I don't know.
[Mr. Hankey hops up to Hollywood Planet and jumps onto the top
of the globe. He is now fully dressed as a sorcerer's apprentice
(!) and does his magic. At the wave of his hands clouds gather
and poo jumps out of manholes and grills throughout the town]
[the film commissioner is awed. Mr. Hankey continues wielding
his power, and three poo men rise up out of the poo that now
covers the street. They start to dance]
Oh my God!
[Mr. Hankey continues. Poo pours forth from the Porto Potties
nearby and builds into a giant wave]
[the poo squelches them and sweeps them away. People clear out
of the Hollywood Planet area. The Film Commissioner and Phyllis
get out as well. Mr. Hankey is brewing something up and releases
Oh, my God, it's crap!
Whoa, it smells, it smells!
Come on, let's go! It's coming!
I'm trying, damn it!
[Mr. Hankey directs the twister back and forth as it picks up
stuff and people. He then has it engulf Hollywood Planet. The
poo seeps into Robert Redford's car and fills it up]
Aww. Aww. Glup.
Let's get out of this town!
[Whatever people are left get into their cars and drive out quickly.
Mr. Hankey lets up and relaxes, and the clouds clear away. The
town is covered in poo. So are the townspeople]
Gosh. I guess I don't know my own strength.
You did it, Mr. Hankey. You got rid
of all the film people!
Ooh, yeaah. Now all we have is a town
covered in shit! This is much better!
I couldn't have done it without you,
Stan, I'm sorry I dragged you to all
those independent films.
Oh, that's okay Wendy. I forgive you.
Somethimes I forget that even though
a few independent films are great, most
of them suck ass.
Yes. And I've learned something, too.
Being a sellout is sweet. Because you
make a lot of money. And when you have
money, you don't have to hang out with
any poor-ass losers- like you guys.
Screw you guys, I'ma goin' home.
[End of Chef's Salty Chocolate Balls. The song of the same name