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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 407


                                 "CHEF GOES NANNERS"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [The Mayor's office, day. The mayor is at her desk, flanked by 
               her assistants. Before her are Chef and Jimbo. The meeting starts]
 
               
                                     MAYOR
                         Gentlemen, I understand you are here 
                         to present both sides of an issue. I 
                         wanna hear you both out and do this 
                         in a civil and constructive manner so 
                         that I can give you both the time and 
                         attention you deserve. Jimbo, why don't 
                         you begin?
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Mayor, it's about the South Park flag.
 
                         
                                     MAYOR
                          Oh, Jesus Christ, not this again!
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                         We cannot change the South Park flag, 
                         Mayor!
 
                                     CHEF
                         Mayor, as I've said before, I find that 
                         flag to be racist and insensitive!
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                         Chef, I respect you very much, but you 
                         have to understand that this has been 
                         the South Park flag since some of our 
                         ancestors, like my great-grandfather, 
                         founded this land!
 
                                     CHEF
                         That flag represents a time when blacks 
                         were persecuted by whites! How can a 
                         black man not be bothered by it?!
 
                         
                                     MAYOR
                         Ahalright, Chef, I'll have my assistants 
                         hold up the flag.  and you tell me what 
                         exactly you find racist about it. 
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         You don't see anything wrong with that 
                         flag?!
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Chef, what about the baseball team, 
                         the Cleveland Indians, huh? Should they 
                         change their name because it's racist?
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         Yeah!

                                     JIMBO
                         No, because it's their history!

                                     CHEF
                         Look, I have gone to every quiet protest 
                         I could! I have written everyone; I've 
                         put up signs! But now I'm telling you 
                         , THIS FLAG WILL BE CHANGED!
 
                                     JIMBO
                         And I'm telling you it WON'T!

                                     MAYOR
                          Oh, boy.

               [South Park Elementary, day. The class bell rings and the kids 
               are in their seats. Timmy is now shown with the class.]
 
                                     MR. WYLAND
                         Okay, children, in Mr. Garrison's absence, 
                         I would like to turn the class's attention 
                         to current issues. Some people think 
                         the South Park flag should be changed, 
                         while others believe that changing the 
                         flag is wrong. I think this is a perfect 
                         subject for your debate club.
 
                                     CLASS
                          Aaaaah!

                                     MR. WYLAND
                         I see that you've already had a lot 
                         of interesting debates this year.  Pro-Choice 
                         vs. Cartman, Pro-Gun Control vs. Cartman, 
                         a-and People Against the Clubbing of 
                         Baby Seals vs. Cartman. And apparently, 
                         the winner of all your debates so far 
                         has been... Cartman.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Thaaat's ri-ight.

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman doesn't always win! He just 
                         gets pissed off and goes home so we 
                         can't debate anymore!
 
                                     CLASS
                          Yeah.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Nah-ah! I'm just a better debater than 
                         you guys!
 
                                     STAN
                         You don't even know what you're debating 
                         about half the time!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes I do!

                                     CRAIG
                         No you don't!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh yeah?! Well, screw you guys, I'm 
                         going home! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Told ya.

                                     MR. WYLAND
                         Alright, children, well, unlike Mr. 
                         Garrison, I want you all to go out and 
                         research this debate before we pick 
                         teams. Tomorrow, you'll need to choose 
                         which side of this poignant debate you 
                         are on. 
 
               [Jimbo and Ned's lodge, after school. They're sitting on the 
               front porch.]
 
                                     JIMBO
                         This is about history, kids.  If you 
                         don't have respect for your past, then 
                         you can never expect to- BIRD!  -then 
                         you can never expect to have a future. 
                         Nowadays, everyone wants to change mascots 
                         and flags because they're not  "politically 
                         correct." Well, where does it end? I 
                         mean, people are gonna start sayin' 
                         that the Denver Broncos are offensive 
                         to horses. And then we'll have to- a 
                         SQUIRREL!  Aand then we'll have to change 
                         everything, and pretty soon all our 
                         history will be forgotten. But to REALLY 
                         understand the South Park's flag's importance, 
                         you need to know about South Park's 
                         history. Ned here's a big history buff, 
                         and he can tell you the whole story. 
                         Ned?
 
                                     NED
                         Nnneh, in 1867, fourteen pioneers from 
                         the East Coast traveled across the Plains-
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Uh that, that's okay, dude, I think 
                         we got it.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, we got it.

                                     JIMBO
                         You sure?

                                     STAN, KYLE
                         Yup.

                                     JIMBO
                         You boys go make me proud now and win 
                         that debate- Chris Peterson!  God-damnit, 
                         we missed him again!
 
               [South Park Supermarket, after school. Chef is at the entrance 
               with a petition in his hands. With him are Wendy, Bebe, Clyde, 
               and Butters. Some folks head for the store...]
 
                                     CHEF
                         Sign up to join me, and come marchng 
                         to the Mayor's office in protest of 
                         the South Park flag!  You see that, 
                         children?! Nobody wants to get involved! 
                          Randy! Sign up to march with me against 
                         the South Park flag on Wednesday?
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Oh, uuhh, look, Chef, you know I'm-m 
                         not a racist, but uh, I just don't really 
                         feel strongly one way or another about 
                         the flag.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Well, alright, Marsh, you're entitled 
                         to your own opinion.  That's how it 
                         is in this town. I haven't gotten one 
                         signature on this damn sheet, and I've 
                         been here all day!
 
                                     WENDY
                         We'll march with you, Chef.

                                     CHEF
                         That's nice, but I need the support 
                         of some registered voters.  Ey, Mackey! 
                         Sign up to march on Wednesday?
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Oo, Wednesday? Uh-Wednesday's tough. 
                         I guess- maybe I could do somthin' uh, 
                         Thursday afternoon.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Alright, fudge it, Thursday. Anyone 
                         else wanna go Thursday?
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                          Thursday's no good, we've got chior 
                         council.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Oh, yeah.

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         What about next Sunday?

                                     CHEF
                         Fine! Next Sunday!

                                     MAN 1
                         You mean, during the ball game?

                                     MAN 2
                         Oh, yeah. We can't do Sunday.

                                     CHEF
                         Monday??

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Oh, I can't do Monday.

                                     MAN 3
                          I could do Tuesday.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Yeah, Tuesday morning's good.

                                     MAN 1
                         You know what would be better for me 
                         is Saturday afternoon.
 
                                     MAN 2
                         Saturday is perfect for me.

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Yeah. How about Saturday at 11:30?
 
                         
                                     MAN 3
                         Mm hmm.

                                     MAN 2, WOMAN 2
                         Yeah.

                                     MAN 1
                         Yeah.

                                     MAN 3
                         That sounds good.

                                     MAN 2
                         Mm hmm.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Yeah, I think that's the best day.
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         Okay! On Saturday, we march!

                                     MAN 2
                         Oh, march? What are we marching for?
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         To bring down the South Park Flag!
 
                         
                                     MAN 2
                         ...Oh. 

                                     MAN 3
                         Oohh, I gotta go.

                                     MAN 1
                         I know what I may like. I dont like 
                         marching
 
                                     WOMAN 2
                         Uh, marching's really not for me.

                                     MAN 2
                         See you later.

                                     MR. WYLAND
                         Well I've counted up all your secret 
                         ballots, childen, and it look like about 
                         half of you think the flag should stary, 
                         and half think the flag should be changed.
 
                         
                                     WENDY
                         How could any of you think that flag 
                         should stay the way it is?!
 
                                     MR. WYLAND
                         Save it for the debate, Wendy. Now I'm 
                         going to assign the debate leaders. 
                         Who wants to lead the "Flag Should Stay 
                         The Way It Is" team?
 
                                     STAN, KYLE
                         Me. Me. Me. Me.

                                     WENDY
                          Stan?! How could you be so insensitive?!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Whoa, dude, I don't see anything wrong 
                         with that flag.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, me neither.

               Mr. Wyland	Alright. Stan and Kyle, [turns and writes on the board] 
               you can both be the team leaders for the "Flag should stay the 
               way it is" team. [turns around. Their names are there now] Now, 
               who wants to lead the "Flag should be changed" team? [an angry 
               Wendy raises her hand. Cartman looks over at her, then raises 
               his hand and chuckles] Okay, Wendy and Eric can team up. [writes 
               their names on the board]
 
                                     WENDY
                          Nooo! 

                                     MR. WYLAND
                         Alright, children. Do your homework, 
                         and let's get ready for a great debate!
 
                         
               [South Park Elementary, cafeteria. Kids enjoy their meals. Craig 
               enters the kitchen, followed by Stan, Kyle, Butters, and someone 
               else]
 
                                     STAN, KYLE
                         Hello, Chef.

                                     CHEF
                          My name isn't Chef anymore, children. 
                         I've converted to Islam.
 
                                     STAN
                         Islam??

                                     CHEF
                         From now on, my name is  Abdul Mohammed 
                         Jabar  Rauf Kareem Ali.  With everyone 
                         in town so insensitive about the flag, 
                         I find it no longer fitting to use my 
                         slave name!
 
                                     STAN
                         Well, we need help with our debate club. 
                         We have to explain why we think the 
                         flag should not be changed.
 
                                     CHEF
                         You WHAT?!  You don't think they should 
                         change the flag?!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Not really.

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, we don't see what the big deal 
                         is.
 
                                     CHEF
                          Well, that figures you don't! Because 
                         your cracker-ass parents turned you 
                         into little cracker-ass cracker-racists! 
                         I never thought I'd live to see this 
                         many of the people I considered friends 
                         turn against me!
 
                                     STAN
                         But Chef, we don't know what you're 
                         talking about.
 
                                     CHEF
                         But nothin'!  "But" my ass! Fix your 
                         own damn food! 
 
               [South Park Elementary, school library. Wendy has assembled her 
               team and leads them through preliminary items. In her team are 
               Bebe, Clyde, Butters, Token, Kevin, and three others. Cartman 
               is not there yet.]
 
                                     WENDY
                         Okay. Now, in order for us the debate 
                         to change the South Park flag, we will 
                         need to do a lot of research. Now, my 
                         plan is to divide up into three research 
                         teams. We will present our arguments 
                         based on things that w-
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          It's okay, I'm here.

                                     WENDY
                          Nice of you to show up! We were just 
                         discussing how we should state our case.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Yes. This is a difficult case. In order 
                         to win the debate, we will need to attack 
                         Stan and Kyle's credibility.
 
                                     WENDY
                          What??

                                     CARTMAN
                         That's how you win these things: attack 
                         your opponents' credibility!  Butters! 
                         Take some kids and go dig up whatever 
                         dirt you can on Kyle's past. I'm talkin' 
                         booby magazines, whatever.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Wwuhuh-o-kay! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         The rest of you, go get the goods on 
                         Stan! His mom grounded him once for 
                         setting something on fire. Let's find 
                         out what that something was, and then 
                         lie and say it was a puppy.
 
                                     CLYDE
                         Right. 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Mmmm.

                                     WENDY
                          Cartman, we can't just attack Stan 
                         and Kyle's credibility. We need to present 
                         our side of the debate.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You're right. We'll need to look like 
                         we prepared a case, too, so that they 
                         look all the weaker. Good plan. Sooo, 
                         what's the issue again?
 
                                     WENDY
                         The South Park flag!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Interesting. Aaand, what side are we 
                         on?
 
                                     WENDY
                         D'aaaaahhh!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Whoa! Calm down, ho. 

               [South Park City Hall, day. A Channel 4 field reporter is on 
               scene. Chef is in the background dressed in a daishiki facing 
               the Hall, with his fist up. Two groups of people are there, one 
               on either side of him. The mayor and her assistants look out 
               over the scene from her office]
 
                                     REPORTER
                          Tom, I'm standing out front of the 
                         South Park Mayor's Office, where both 
                         sides of this debate have gathered.
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         Change the flag!

                                     JIMBO
                         Don't change history!

                                     MAYOR
                         Oh brother, what now?!

                                     CHEF
                          Change the flag! Change the flag!...
 
                         
                                     REPORTER
                         Earlier, the South Park townspeople 
                         voiced their opinion.
 
                                     MAN 4
                          Well, I think the flag is racist!  
                         Huh, but then again, it is part of our 
                         history.
 
                                     MAN 5
                         Well, I guess the flag is part of history, 
                         ...but I can see how it is racist.
 
                                     MAN 6
                          I think it is history. I think it is 
                         racist.
 
                                     REPORTER
                         Well, one things for sure, tensions 
                         are high and pressure is mounting on 
                         the South Park Mayor to do something.
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                          ...Change the flag! Change the flag! 
                         Change the flag! Change the flag!  In 
                         the 1960's there was a monk  who set 
                         himself on fire to protest! You have 
                         left me no choice!  To protest your 
                         lack of humanity, I will now do the 
                         same thing! 
 
                                     MONK
                          Huh! Haaaaaaaaaaaah! 

                                     THE KKK
                          White Power! White Power! White Power! 
                         White Power! White Power! White Power! 
                         White Power!
 
                                     REPORTER
                          What's this? Uh, Tom, it looks as if 
                         the KKK have shown up to espress their 
                         opinion.
 
                                     KKK LEADER
                          Hello, brother.  We are here to support 
                         your noble cause.
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Huh? Uh hey now, uh. We don't want your 
                         support. We're not racists; this is 
                         about history.
 
                                     NED
                         Yeah.

                                     KKK LEADER
                         Well, whether you want our support or 
                         not, we're on your side! 
 
                                     THE KKK
                         White Power! White Power!  White Power! 
                         White Power!  White Power! White Power! 
                         White Power! White Power!
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          Mr. Garrison, you're a Klan member?
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         NO, no,  but Mr. Hat is. 

                                     MR. HAT
                         White Power! White Power!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Ogh! You're such a racist bastard, Mr. 
                         Hat.
 
                                     THE KKK
                         White Power!

                                     CHEF
                         Change the flag!

                                     JIMBO
                         Don't change history!

                                     MAYOR
                         Ooh, Jesus. What a mess.

               [South Park City Hall, Mayor's office, later.]

                                     MAYOR
                         Chef, we realize that you find the South 
                         Park flag racist, and we certainly understand 
                         your case.  We have been diligently 
                         working on this problem, put in a lot 
                         of hours, and we have finally altered 
                         the flag in a way that we think will 
                         make you very happy. Gentlemen?  There. 
                         Is that better? 
 
                                     CHEF
                         No, damnit!

                                     MAYOR
                          No, but look! He's got a little smile 
                         now!  See? He's happy. Much better, 
                         don't you think?  Well, some people 
                         just won't with you at all. This is 
                         getting out of hand. How do I absolve 
                         myself of an responsibility with this?
 
                         
                                     JOHNSON
                         Mayor, the-ee South Park Elementary 
                         children are discussing the flag issue 
                         in their debate club on Friday.
 
                                     ASSISTANT
                         We... could use the debate as an excuse 
                         to hold a vote on the issue.
 
                                     MAYOR
                         Yes, of course. Let the children be 
                         responsible. Everybody loves children. 
                         Tell the press. South Park Elementary 
                         will be holding a vote on Friday!
 
                         
               [South Park Elementary, school library. Wendy has three stacks 
               of books to pore over, Cartman is playing with his toys]
 
                                     WENDY
                         This might come in handy. It says here 
                         that recently a case was brought before 
                         the South Carolina Court about their 
                         flag, and they-
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I warn you, Bog Monster! Do not mock 
                         Captain Candycone!
 
               [as Bog Monster] O yeah?! How would you like I should kick you 
               in the nuts?!
 
                                     WENDY
                         If we could show a parallel between 
                         the South Carolina case-
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Ugh. Oh yeah?! I'll kick you in the 
                         nuts!
 
               [as Bog Monster] Ugh. I'll kick you in the nuts!

               [as Captain Candycone] I'll kick you in the nuts!

                                     WENDY
                         Cartman, why don't you just go home?! 
                         You aren't helping any!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You won't let me help.

                                     WENDY
                         That's because you're stupid, and you're 
                         a racist!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          ...Touché. But dude, you might as well 
                         let me help you. We're in this together. 
                         I mean, just... tell me what to do, and 
                         I'll do it.  Wendih, let Cartman help. 
                         Seriouslih.  Wendih. Seriouslih.  The 
                         Bog Monster speaketh.
 
               [South Park, the offices of Brovlofski and Jackson, Attorneys 
               At Law. Kyle and Stan have assembled their team there. Kenny, 
               Craig and Tweek are there with two others.]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Okay. since my dad's a lawyer, he says 
                         we can use any of his books we want. 
                          Who wants to read them? 
 
                                     STAN
                         Come on, you guys. We all have to work 
                         on this!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Kenny, how many of my dad's mints are 
                         you gonna eat? Jesus!
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Plenty. This is 'cause my family's 
                         poor.)
 
                                     KYLE
                         I know your family's poor, but you can't 
                         just eat an entire bowl of mints for 
                         dinner.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Ah, fuck you!) 

                                     STAN
                         I don't think we stand a chance in this 
                         debate, 'cause Wendy's leading the other 
                         side.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, you're just saying that because 
                         she's your girlfriend.
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Kyle, can I have a drink of water?)
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, you can have a drink of water. 
                         The dispenser's over there. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, you must be thirsty after eating 
                         60 mints. 
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          Hey, boys, how's the research coming?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Pretty good, I guess.

                                     STAN
                         Do you think they should change the 
                         flag?
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Oh, uuhh. I don't know. 

                                     KYLE
                         Kenny ate all the mints, dad.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Oh, those weren't mints, those were 
                         antacid tablets.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh.

                                     STAN, KYLE
                         Kenny! 

                                     KENNY
                          (What?)  (Oh oooooooOOOOOOOH!) 

                                     STAN
                         That was a good one.

               [South Park City Hall. The KKK is still rallying. Mr. Hat keeps 
               Mr. Garrison in place]
 
                                     THE KKK
                         White Power! White Power!

                                     KKK LEADER
                         Do not change the flag! It is a symbol 
                         of white power!
 
                                     THE KKK
                         White Power!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Oohh, I'm sorry, Chef. Mr. Hat is a 
                         racist son of a bitch.
 
                                     MR. HAT
                         Don't apologize for me to that spearchucker!
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Dugh!  Ogh. Waaaaah! 

                                     CHEF
                          How can you all just stand by and let 
                         these racists do this?!
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Well, Chef, it's freedom of speech. 
                         We don't like it, but we can't arrest 
                         them for talking.
 
                                     REPORTER
                         Should the Klan be allowed to rally 
                         on the steps of the Capitol? Here's 
                         what some people think.
 
                                     MAN 7
                         Well, I think they are racist, but I... 
                         do think freedom of speech is important.
 
                         
                                     MAN 8
                         Well, I, for one, believe in freedom 
                         of speech. ...Mmm but then again, I think 
                         they are racist.
 
                                     MAN 9
                         Well, I believe that they are racist, 
                         but I do believe that all-
 
                                     CHEF
                          Aw, the hell with all of you indecisive 
                         bastards!
 
                                     REPORTER
                         On Friday, South Park Elementary will 
                         present its debate, and after the debate, 
                         there will finally be a vote. Preliminary 
                         polls show three in favor of changing 
                         the flag, three against changing the 
                         flag, and 4382 undecided. So the pressure 
                         in on those South Park kids!
 
                                     KKK LEADER
                         Well, that's enough rallying for this 
                         afternoon, members. Let's take a hot 
                         shower!
 
                                     THE KKK
                         Hot shower! Hot shower! Hot shower! 
                         
 
                                     JIMBO
                          Ned, nobody's gonna vote for our side 
                         if it's the side those KKK members are 
                         on. Come on, we gotta put a stop to 
                         them.
 
               [South Park Elementary, school library, night. Wendy and Cartman 
               are both laboring over books. Between them is a tray of Oreo 
               cookies.]
 
                                     WENDY
                         I can't believe it. All the pressure's 
                         on us. I mean, this debate is going 
                         to actually affect the outcome of the 
                         vote.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Uh huh.

                                     WENDY
                         Oh man, we've got to come up with rebuttals 
                         to the history argument.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Why don't we just talk about the swastika?
 
                         
                                     WENDY
                         Huh?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I mean, Germany was united under the 
                         swastika, right? But,... obviously history 
                         wasn't as important as changing the 
                         views after the war and stuff, so hey 
                         changed it.
 
                                     WENDY
                          Hey, that's a pretty good point, Cartman.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah.

                                     WENDY
                         Not bad at all. I may make that our 
                         first argument. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Cool.

                                     WENDY
                         Double-stuffed cookies are my favorite. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Really? Mine too. What I really like 
                         to do, is I like to take the tops off 
                         of two cookies, and then put them together 
                         and make "quadruple stuffs."
 
                                     WENDY
                         Hey, that's what I always do, too!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         No way!

                                     WENDY
                         Yeah. Jesus, I never thought I'd have 
                         anything in common with you, Cartman.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Me neither.

                                     WENDY
                         Aha ha.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Huh.

                                     WENDY, CARTMAN
                         Well, anyway, let's get back to work. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Whoa.

                                     WENDY
                         Weird, um. Okay. Uh. Now, let's say 
                         that first we talk about the history 
                         of the flag.  We can show that the- 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Ur, s-sorry.  Go ahead.

                                     WENDY
                         No.  You go ahead.

               [Mr. Garrison's house, night. The living room. Mr. Garrison enters]
 
               
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Mr. Hat, what do you think you're doing?
 
                         
                                     MR. HAT
                         There's another Klan rally tonight; 
                         I have to be there in 15 minutes.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Ooh no, Mr. Hat. You are not dragging 
                         to another Klan meeting.
 
                                     MR. HAT
                         But they're electing a new assistant 
                         to the Grand Dragon. I might get elected.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well, good for you, Puppet Pants! I'll 
                         have nothin' to do with it!
 
                                     MR. HAT
                         I'm going whether you like it or not!
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh yeah?!  I'm not going, Mr. Hat, and 
                         that's final!  Let's just see you try 
                         and go without me!  Mi-Mr. Hat?
 
               [South Park, the woods. The KKK rallies around a burning cross.]
 
               
                                     THE KKK
                         White Power! White Power! White Power! 
                          White Power! White Power! White Power! 
                         White Power! White Power!
 
                                     JIMBO
                          Alright, Ned. We've got to be careful. 
                         These are really evil men we're dealing 
                         with.
 
                                     NED
                         Mmm-okay.

                                     JIMBO
                         Damnit Ned, doesn't that thing have 
                         a volume control?
 
                                     NED
                         No.

                                     THE KKK
                         White Power! White Power!

                                     KKK LEADER
                          Good evening, brothers. Our first order 
                         of business tonight is to have Brother 
                         Anderson update us on last week's minutes.
 
                         
                                     BROTHER ANDERSON
                         Last week we decided we hate blacks 
                         and Jews. A lot!
 
                                     KKK LEADER
                         Alright. And now it's time for us all 
                         to come together, and... do our cake raffle.
 
                         
                                     KKK MEMBERS
                          Oh, cake raffle. 

                                     KKK LEADER
                         This week's winner is...  uh, 2 9 7 4.
 
                         
                                     TICKET 2974 HOLDER
                          I won, I won.  I won the cake! 

                                     KKK LEADER
                         God job, brother. 

               [A green and flowering meadow under a brilliant orange dawn. 
               A happy Wendy walks in and grabs some flowers, then sniffs them 
               deeply. She then looks behind her to find Cartman sitting on 
               a white steed under a bright yellow sun. The steed neighs]
 
               
                                     WENDY
                          Cartman! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ahh! 

                                     WENDY
                         Say it'll be like this forever.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, It will be like this forever.
 
                         
                                     WENDY
                         Oh, Cartman! 

               [Wendy's room, night. She rises in bed with a start. That scene 
               in the meadow was a dream]
 
                                     WENDY
                         AAAAAAaaaah!  Brrrrr. What's wrong with 
                         me?  Ahhh. It's okay. Get a grip, girl. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN'S VOICE
                         Wendih.  Wendih. 

                                     WENDY
                          Aaaah!

                                     CARTMAN'S VOICE
                          Wendih, look at me.

                                     WENDY
                          Oh God, please don't let this be happening.
 
                         
               [South Park, the woods, deep in the night.]

                                     KKK LEADER
                         Alright brothers, listen up!  As you 
                         know, this fine city is holding a vote 
                         on whether or or not to change their 
                         flag. But lynching minorities is history! 
                         So what are we gonna do about it?!
 
                         
                                     MEMBER 1
                         Let's say that if they change the flag, 
                         we'll burn down the Capitol!
 
                                     KKK MEMBERS
                         Yeah!

                                     MEMBER 2
                         Let's say that if they change the flag, 
                         we'll never leave this town!
 
                                     KKK MEMBERS
                         Yeah!

                                     JIMBO
                          Let's say they should change the flag!
 
                         
                                     KKK MEMBERS
                         Yeah!  Wah?

                                     KKK LEADER
                         Uh what's that, brother?

                                     JIMBO
                         I thnk we should switch sides!

                                     NED
                         Me too. Nnn-that's a good idea.

                                     JIMBO
                         Look, we have to accept the fact that 
                         most people in the world hate us, right?
 
                         
                                     KKK MEMBERS
                          Yeah, m-hm.

                                     JIMBO
                         So, whatever side we're on is the side 
                         that's gonna lose, right?
 
                                     KKK MEMBERS
                          Right, yeah.

                                     JIMBO
                         So why don't we all say that we want 
                         the flag changed. That way, most folks'll 
                         vote to keep it the way it is.
 
                                     KKK LEADER
                         That's a great idea, brother!

                                     KKK MEMBERS
                          Yeah!

                                     KKK LEADER
                         Alright, it is decided! We will officially 
                         tell everyone that we want the flag 
                         changed, so that they will all vote 
                         against us!
 
                                     KKK MEMBERS
                          Hooray, yeah! 

                                     A MEMBER
                         We'e smart! 

                                     JIMBO
                          That worked perfectly, Ned.

                                     KKK LEADER
                         Well alright, now that that's out of 
                         the way, it is time to play, "Whose 
                         got the silliest thing on under their 
                         robe?"
 
                                     KKK MEMBERS
                          Yeah, woohoo! 

               [The contest. The first member walks down the middle and shows 
               off his boxers with a heart design. The second comes in and shows 
               off his lederhosen. The third comes in and shows off bikini briefs 
               and garters. The fourth comes in and shows off a yellow bird 
               costume.]
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Jesus, Ned, these guys are completely 
                         nuts.
 
                                     NED
                         Mm-yup.

               [the fifth member comes in and shows off his hand-walking skills, 
               and the sixth one shows off his penis... Jimbo and Ned walk away 
               from the scene]
 
                                     JIMBO
                          That is the most insane thing I've 
                         ever seen. I can't believe those people 
                         are on our side. I mean, is our side 
                         that crazy?  Oh, hello, Chef. Big debate 
                         tomorrow, I guess.  Oh, Jesus, the robes! 
                         Chef, this isn't what it looks like. 
                         You've gotta listen to us!
 
                                     CHEF
                         I ain't gonna listen to nothin'! This 
                         whole cracker-ass town can kiss my ass! 
                         
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Ned, I'm starting to think that maybe 
                         history ain't worth defendin' sometimes.
 
                         
               [Wendy's house, morning, before school. Living room]

                                     WENDY
                          Thanks for coming over, Bebe. I have 
                         something to tell you.
 
                                     BEBE
                         Sure, what?

                                     WENDY
                         Bebe, I'm attracted to Cartman.

                                     BEBE
                          AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

                                     WENDY
                          I know.

                                     BEBE
                         Why would you tell me this? Why would 
                         you tell anyone this?
 
                                     WENDY
                         Because I don't know what to do. I can't 
                         concentrate, and if I can't concentrate, 
                         then I can't win the debate tomorrow. 
                         The whole vote is dependent on me doing 
                         a good job-
 
                                     BEBE
                         Alright, look. When two people work 
                         closely for a long time, sometimes they 
                         feel what's called, "sexual tension." 
                         Sometimes you just have to act on impulse 
                         and get it over with.
 
                                     WENDY
                         You mean, I should kiss him? 

                                     BEBE
                         Kiss him and get it out of your system.
 
                         
                                     WENDY
                          Oh God.

               [South Park Elementary, the gym. Mr. Wyland is shown behind a 
               podium, and the South Park flag hangs from some rafters behind 
               him. Two tables are set up, one for each side of the debate. 
               Behind the "FLAG SHOULD STAY THE SAME" table are Stan, Kyle, 
               and two other boys. Behind the "FLAG SHOULD CHANGE" table are 
               Wendy, Cartman, Token, and Butters.]
 
                                     MR. WYLAND
                         Well I certainly would like to thank 
                         all the parents for their support of 
                         our debate club.  I r-realize that many 
                         of you are torn by the issues as well, 
                         so, perhaps the children can shed some 
                         light on us. We'll start with Wendy 
                         Testaburger on the "Flag Should Be Changed" 
                         team. 
 
                                     WENDY
                          The-  the- uh,  aheh ahum,  the... the- 
                         uh,  Ahhhhh,  The first argument we- 
                          ah...  Let me start over.  The uh-  oh 
                         God. Could you all excuse me for a moment? 
                         
 
                                     PEOPLE IN AUDIENCE
                          Oh. 

                                     REALLY SHOCKED MAN
                          Oh, God! 

                                     WENDY
                          Yes. Now, the main point we would like 
                         to make is oftentimes it is prudent 
                         to change history. As times change we 
                         hope to grow, and as we grow our rules 
                         must change. It is a natural part of 
                         evolution. Thank you. 
 
                                     MR. WYLAND
                         Okay, and Kyle and Stan's team, your 
                         main point? 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Our main point is that the flag shouldn't 
                         offend anyone, because killing has been 
                         around since the bieginning of time. 
                         All animals kill.  And the animals that 
                         don't kill are stupid ones, like cows 
                         and turtles and stuff. So people should 
                         not be so upset about killing. 
 
                                     CHEF
                          Whoa whoa whooaa! You just missed the 
                         point entirely!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Huh?

                                     CHEF
                         I'm not mad because the flag shows somebody 
                         gettin' killed, It's because it's racist!
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S TEAM
                          Racist??

                                     CHEF
                         Children, don't you even know what this 
                         argument is about?! That flag is racist 
                         because a black man is being hung by 
                         white people.
 
                                     KYLE'S TEAM
                          Ooooooohhh.

                                     CHEF
                         Ooooooohhh?!

                                     KYLE
                         W-we really didn't see it that way.
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         But that's a black man up there!

                                     KYLE
                         Y-yeah, but... the color of someone's 
                         skin doesn't matter.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Well of course it matters when-  ...Oh 
                         my God. Wait a minute. You children 
                         didn't even see the flag as a black 
                         man being hanged by white people, did 
                         you?
 
                                     KYLE'S TEAM
                          No.

                                     CHEF
                          Why, that is- that is the most beautiful 
                         thing I have ever heard.
 
                                     MAYOR
                         What?

                                     MR. WYLAND
                         What?

                                     CHEF
                         Don't you see? All this time I thought 
                         these little crackers had turned racist, 
                         when actuallih they were so not racist 
                         that they didn't even make a separation 
                         of black and white to begin with. All 
                         they saw when they looked at that flag 
                         was five people.
 
                                     A FEW PEOPLE
                         Awww.

                                     SOME KKK MEMBERS
                         Awww.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. 

                                     CHEF
                         I'm sorry, children. I was wrong about 
                         you. But I still the flag needs to be 
                         changed. But now I realize that I almost 
                         let racism turn me into a racist.
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                         Yeah. You know, uh I suddenly found 
                         myself on the side of Klan menbers. 
                         I've never had anything against blacks, 
                         Chef.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Oh, I know you don't, Jimbo. I've known 
                         you for almost ten years. You're a good 
                         man.
 
                                     JIMBO
                         We've been way too divisive over this, 
                         Chef. Maybe we can come up with a- compromise 
                         flag—something that everybody can be 
                         happy with.
 
                                     CHEF
                         I think that's a much better start than 
                         me tryin' to separate myself from all 
                         you wonderful crackers.
 
                                     AUDIENCE MEMBERS
                          Ooh, huhuh. Oooh 

                                     KYLE
                         Oh. Sweet, dude. I don't think we have 
                         to do this stupid debate now.  Stan?
 
                         
               [South Park City Hall, day. The Mayor has called a town meeting 
               at City Hall and now stands at her podium with the town gathered 
               before her. Something hangs above her covered by a brown curtain]
 
               
                                     MAYOR
                         This has been an interesting week in 
                         South Park. We've all done a lot of 
                         growing this week.  Everyone was afraid 
                         to take a stand on this issue. But now 
                         we have learned once again that black, 
                         white, yellow, brown, or whatever, we 
                         are all just people. And so, I am very 
                         excited to unveil our new South Park 
                         Flag! 
 
                                     STAN
                          Wait, I don't get it.

                                     KYLE
                         No, see? There's people of all colors. 
                         And they added a black guy as one of 
                         the hangers, too, so it's not racist.
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         Hooray!

                                     JIMBO
                         I have to admit it, that is a lot nicer.
 
                         
                                     WENDY
                         Phew. I'm sure glad that's over with. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Me, too!

                                     WENDY
                          I can't believe how right Bebe was 
                         about feeling under pressure with somebody. 
                         As soon as it was over, all my feelings 
                         for you just vanished.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh, huh. Yeah. Yeah, totally huh.
 
                         
                                     WENDY
                         I'm totally back to normal. See you 
                         later. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah. See you later, heh. Ho, huhuh, 
                         he, haha.
 
                                     WENDY
                         Hahaha.  Stan. Stan, wait up! 

               THE END

Chef Goes Nanners



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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