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ALL SCRIPTS


 

                                       "SOUTH PARK"

                                       Episode 214

                                        "CHEF AID"

                                        Written by

                                 Trey Parker & Matt Stone



               [South Park Elementary cafeteria, lunchtime. Some of the kids 
               have their lunches. In line are Jordan, Stan, Kyle, Cartman, 
               Kenny, the black kid, …]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Stinky britches, you've got stinky britches
 
                         
               Stinky stinky britches, you've got stinky-

                                     KYLE
                         What the hell are you singin', Cartman?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         This new song by Alanis Morissette. 
                         I can't get it out of my head. Stinky 
                         britches, you've got stinky britches!
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Hello children. Ready for lunch?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Stinky britches, you've got stinky stinky-!
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Eric, is there a problem?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, I can't get this stupid song out 
                         of my head!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         "Stinky Britches," by Alanis Morissette?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah. You stinky stinky britches!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Children, did you say 'hi' to Mr. Twig?
 
                         
                                     MR. TWIG
                         Hi, boys. How are you?

                                     KYLE
                         When is Mr. Hat coming back?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          I told you never to say his name in 
                         my presence!
 
                                     STAN
                         But we hate Mr. Twig. Mr. Twig sucks.
 
                         
                                     STUDENT
                         Yeah.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Stinky britches, you've got stinky 
                         br-
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         It just so happens that Mr. Twig is 
                         far more stable than Mr. Hat could ever 
                         be! So he's the better puppet!
 
                                     KYLE
                         He'd be better used as a coat rack. 
                         
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          How DARE you?! Come on, Mr. Twig! 
 
                         
               [The kids enter the kitchen. Jordan left the line, leaving Stan 
               behind Kevin.]
 
                                     CHEF
                         Hello there, children.

                                     ALL FOUR
                         Hey, Chef.

                                     CARTMAN
                         You've got stinky britches. Stinky sti-
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         What did you say??

                                     KYLE
                         He's singin' some new hit song.

                                     CHEF
                         Eric? Wwhere did you hear that song?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         It's all over the place: on the radio, 
                         MTV, everywhere.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Well, I'll be sodomized on Christmas.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         What, dude??

                                     CHEF
                         Children, I wrote that song twenty years 
                         ago!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You wrote it?

                                     CHEF
                         Yeah! Back when I used to be in the 
                         rock business. And now it looks like 
                         some big record company has published 
                         one of my songs.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Wow, then you should get money for it!
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         Aw, I don't want any money. I'd just 
                         like to see my name on the credits, 
                         that's all.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Then we should go to the record company. 
                         My dad's a lawyer, dude; he tells me 
                         about this stuff all the time.
 
                                     CHEF
                         …Well aalll right. Maybe I will go. 
                         I'll play them my version of the song.
 
                         
               [California. Chef's song is heard]

                                     RECORDING
                         Stinky britches, you've got those stinky 
                         britches
 
               Stinky britches, you've got- [click]

                                     CHEF
                         Well, you see, Mr. Big Record Producer, 
                         "Stinky Britches" was something I wrote 
                         several years ago.
 
                                     MR. BIG RECORD PRODUCER
                          Hmmm. I really see no resemblance between 
                         that song and "Stinky Britches" by our 
                         artist, Alanis Morissette.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Huh??

                                     KYLE
                         It's the same goddamned song!

                                     CHEF
                         Now, look. I'm tryin' to be cool about 
                         this! But you just can't rip people's 
                         music off! It's against the law!
 
                                     MR. BIG RECORD PRODUCER
                         I am above the law!!  Mr. Chef, I'm 
                         afraid you leave me no alternative. 
                         We're going to sue you.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Sue me?! You stole one of my songs, 
                         and you are going to sue me?!
 
                                     MR. BIG RECORD PRODUCER
                         Yes. I suggest you get a real good lawyer. 
                         We'll have the best in the business.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         We'll get my dad to be Chef's lawyer!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, and he's Jewish!

               [Mr. Garrison's house. Some music is heard. Mr. Garrison is watching 
               MTV, apparently, and he still has a picture of Mr. Hat on his 
               bookshelf]
 
                                     ALANIS
                         Stinky stinky britches, stinky britches
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Mr. Twig, is that you?  Mi, Mr. Twig? 
                          AAAAA! Mr. Twig! No!  Who did this 
                         to you, Mr. Twig?! Who?!
 
               [a courthouse. All parties are present, including a black lawyer 
               for Mr. Big Record Producer]
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          Now, just let me do all the talking, 
                         Chef. We're going to bring these batards 
                         down!
 
                                     CHEF
                         Right. 

                                     JUDGE MOSES
                         This court is now in session. Who is 
                         representing the defense?
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         I am, your honor. Gerald Broflovski.
 
                         
                                     JUDGE MOSES
                         And representing the prosecution?

                                     PROSECUTOR
                         I am, your honor. Johnny Cochran.

                                     SOME OBSERVERS
                         Ooo.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Uh oh.

                                     CHEF
                         Why 'Oh oh'?

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Chef, that's Johnny Cochran. Huh, he's 
                         the one that got O.J. off. 
 
                                     CHEF
                         Oh oh.

               [Hell's Pass Hospital]

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          I need some help over here! Please 
                         help! I think he's got third-degree 
                         burns! 
 
                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         Give the child to me. 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Is he goin' to be all right, doctor?!
 
                         
                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         Uuh.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Is he goin' to live?!

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         … It's a stick.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Damn it! Don't give me that medical 
                         …jargon, just tell me straight! Is he 
                         goin' to be okay?!
 
               [A TV shows a reporter in front of the courthouse. The boys are 
               at Cartman's house, watching the report. Cartman is eating Cheesy 
               Poofs, as usual]
 
                                     REPORTER
                         And so, on this fifteenth day of what 
                         is considered to be the most important 
                         trial of the …day, Johnny Cochran has 
                         appeared to defend Capitalist Records. 
                         The question now is, will Cochran use 
                         his famous "Chewbacca" defense?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What's a Chewbacca defense?

                                     KYLE
                         I don't know.

                                     STAN
                         That's what Cochran used in the O.J. 
                         Simpson trial.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          God-damned, I hate that Cochran guy. 
                         If he was here in front of me, I'd be 
                         like, "Ay! You stupid son of a bitch, 
                         you d-. I b-. I'ma I'm gonna kick you 
                         in the nuts!"
 
                                     KYLE
                         I'm sure that would scare the hell out 
                         of him, Cartman.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          And so, in summation, ladies and gentlemen 
                         of the jury, you've heard the version 
                         of my client's song recorded over twenty 
                         years ago. You've heard the EXACT SAME 
                         song produced by these cheats in the 
                         past month . I'd say it's pretty much 
                         an open-and-shut case. Make the right 
                         decision. Thank you.  I've got 'em. 
                         
 
                                     JUDGE MOSES
                          Mr. Johnny Cochran, your closing arguments.
 
                         
                                     COCHRAN
                          Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed 
                         jury, Chef's attorney would certainly 
                         want you to believe that his client 
                         wrote "Stinky Britches" ten years ago. 
                         And they make a good case. Hell, I almost 
                         felt pity myself. But ladies and gentlemen 
                         of this supposed jury, I have one, final, 
                         thing I want you to consider.  Ladies 
                         and gentleman, this is Chew-bacca.  
                         Chewbacca is a Wookie from the planet 
                         Kashyyyk, but Chewbacca… LIVES …on the 
                         planet Endor. Now think about that. 
                         That does NOT MAKE SENSE.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          Damn it!

                                     CHEF
                          What?

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          He's using the Chewbacca defense!
 
                         
                                     COCHRAN
                         Why would a Wookie, an eight-foot tall 
                         Wookie, want to live on Endor, with 
                         a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks? That 
                         does NOT MAKE SENSE!  But more important, 
                         you have to ask yourself: What does 
                         this have to do with this case? Nothing. 
                          Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing 
                         to do with this case! It does NOT MAKE 
                         SENSE! Look at me. I'm a lawyer defending 
                         a major record company, and I'm talkin' 
                         about Chewbacca! Does that make sense? 
                         Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making 
                         any sense! None of this makes sense! 
                         And so you have to remember, when you're 
                         in that jury room deliberatin' and conjugatin' 
                         the Emancipation Proclamation,  does 
                         it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen 
                         of this supposed jury, it does NOT MAKE 
                         SENSE! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, 
                         you must acquit! The defense rests. 
                         
 
                                     JUDGE MOSES
                         Oh-kay then.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Wow, he's good.

                                     REPORTER
                         In a teary-eyed courtroom, Johnny Cochran 
                         has just finished his closing arguments, 
                         and, as was anticipated, he did use 
                         the Chewbacca defense  Whether or not 
                         it worked, is up to the jury to decide.
 
                         
                                     JUDGE MOSES
                         How find you, the jury?

                                     JURY FOREMAN
                         We find the defendant, Jerome "Chef" 
                         McElroy, guilty as charged.
 
                                     SOME OBSERVERS
                         Ooo.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Woops.

                                     CHEF
                         Woops?!

                                     JUDGE MOSES
                         Mr. Chef, you've been found guilty of 
                         harassing a major record label. The 
                         full fee of $2 million will be handed 
                         over within twenty-four hours.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Do I look like I have $2 million?

                                     JUDGE MOSES
                         Well, you have twenty-four hours to 
                         find it, or else you'll have to go to 
                         jail. For eight million years! 
 
                                     BAILIFF
                          Uh, sir, it's for four years. 

                                     JUDGE MOSES
                         Oh. Sorry. You'll go to jail for four 
                         years.
 
                                     CHEF
                         This can't be happening!

                                     STAN
                          Oh no, dude. Chef's gonna go to jail.
 
                         
               [Chef's house. Everything is being repossessed. He has more than 
               one sofa. He's leafing through a "Memories" photo album. Mr. 
               Big Record Producer enters]
 
                                     MR. BIG RECORD PRODUCER
                         And that chair, too. I want that chair.
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         Ey, that's my favorite chair! 

                                     MR. BIG RECORD PRODUCER
                         You heard the judge: since you lost 
                         the case, I can seize whatever I want 
                         to pay my legal fees.  Yeah, take that 
                         water cooler, too.
 
                                     STAN
                          Hello there, Chef. 

                                     CHEF
                          Hey, children.

                                     KYLE
                         What's goin' on?

                                     CHEF
                         Children, that record company guy is 
                         takin' all my belongings. And if I don't 
                         come up with $2 million, I'm goin' to 
                         jail.
 
                                     STAN
                         Well, don't worry. We came over to cheer 
                         you up.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. Ready, Cartman?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ready! 

               
               I will do the German daunce for you.

               It's fun and gay and tra-la-la

               I hope you will enjoy my daunce

               Feedly-I feedly-I ay.

               
               "Would you like some sauerkraut

               German boy, German boy?"

               "Yes I'd like some sauerkraut.

                                     CHEF
                         Okay okay, childrem, thank you very 
                         much. I feel much better.
 
                                     STAN
                         You do?

                                     CHEF
                         Sure, sure. Just please, stop.

                                     CARTMAN
                          See? I told you guys it would work.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         What's that, dude?

                                     CHEF
                          This? This is my photo album of all 
                         my times in the rock business.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Did you ever know any famous people? 
                         
 
                                     CHEF
                         Did I?  Janis Joplin, the Beatles, Elton 
                         John. I got to travel all around the 
                         world, hangin' out with bands, goin' 
                         to lavish parties , lovin' many, many 
                         women .
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What's that? 

                                     CHEF
                         Nothin' . Anyway-

                                     MR. BIG RECORD PRODUCER
                         Take that, too.

                                     CHEF
                         Heeyy! That has no monetary value! What 
                         the hell are you takin' that for?
 
                         
                                     MR. BIG RECORD PRODUCER
                         I can take whatever I want.

                                     CHEF
                         Well, I have twenty-four hours to come 
                         up with your money! That's the law!
 
                         
                                     MR. BIG RECORD PRODUCER
                         I AM ABOVE THE LAW!  I told you not 
                         to mess with me!
 
                                     CHEF
                         That does it! You know what I'm gonna 
                         do? I'm gonna raise that $2 million, 
                         but I'm NOT gonna use it to pay you 
                         back! I'm goin' to use it to hire Johnny 
                         Cochran myself, and sue you!
 
                                     MR. BIG RECORD PRODUCER
                          You wouldn't.

                                     CHEF
                         Watch me! Now, GET THE FUDGE OUT OF 
                         MY HOUSE! 
 
               [Mr. Garrison's house. Mr. Twig lies in bed]

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Hoh, I brought you some more juice, 
                         Mr. Twig. Are you feeling any better? 
                         Huh-I don't know who would want to hurt 
                         you like this, but I promise nobody 
                         will ever hurt you again, ever.  Mr.- 
                         Mr. Twig? Are you okay? Mr.- Mr. Twig? 
                          AAAAA! MR. TWIG IS BROKEN IN HALF!! 
                          WHO DID THIS?! YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH 
                         THIS, YOU BASTARDS!!
 
               [Chef's house. The boys are still visiting. Chef is on the phone]
 
               
                                     CHEF
                         Okay. Thank you, Mr. Cochran.  Well, 
                         Johnny Cochran will take my case if 
                         I can pay his legal fee: $2 million.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Hey, why don't you ask all those famous 
                         people you used to know for money? They're 
                         rich.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Oh, they wouldn't remember me. All I 
                         did was cook for them.
 
                                     KYLE
                         You can raise $2 million, dude. We'll 
                         help you.
 
                                     CHEF
                          Uh I appreciate that, children, but 
                         raisin' $2 million is not an easy thng 
                         to do.  My only hope is to whore myself 
                         to every woman in town.  Wish me luck, 
                         children. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Agh. We've gotta help him, dude.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah but, but how?

                                     STAN
                         Come on. Maybe those rock stars will 
                         remember Chef. Let's go pay them a visit!
 
                         
               [The boys take an AA plane to England, where they look for Elton 
               John]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Whoa, dude, this house is huge!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, it's bigger than Cartman's ass!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          No it isn't, you guys. 

                                     BUTLER
                         Can I help you?

                                     CARTMAN
                         We've come to raise money for our friend, 
                         Chef.  Would you like a Nilla Crunchy, 
                         or a Snacky Cake?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Are you Elton John?

                                     BUTLER
                         No, I'm one of his butlers.

                                     KYLE
                         Ogh. Then what the hell are we talking 
                         to you for?! Come on, guys.  Hi. Are 
                         you Elton John?
 
                                     ELTON
                         Sir Elton John. I was knighted, you 
                         know.
 
                                     KYLE
                         We're trying to raise money for our 
                         school chef.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          We have Chocolate Noogies, and Nilla 
                         Crunchies-
 
                                     ELTON
                         I'm sorry. Bu' I'm not a big candy bar 
                         fan.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What?!

                                     STAN
                         Could you buy a couple anyway? Our friend, 
                         Chef is really-
 
                                     ELTON
                         Chef! You mean, 'Chef' Chef?

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, dude.

                                     STAN
                         Wow, do you remember him?

                                     ELTON
                         Of course! I haven't seen him in so 
                         long. I remember when I first met him. 
                         It was about 25 years ago. I was just 
                         a struggling musician , and couldn't 
                         get a break.
 
                                     ELTON
                         

               
               Oh oh, you're my cheddar cheese girl

               You're soft but firm, and you go well with wine

               Oh oh, cheddar cheese girl

               Cheddar, cheddar cheese girl

               
               [people boo and start throwing food at him. He goes backstage]
 
               
                                     CHEF
                          Hey, Elton. Don't feel so down, baby. 
                         Have some of my Scottish haggis. It'll 
                         cheer you up.
 
                                     ELTON
                         Thanks, Chef. I just don't understand 
                         what my music is missing.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Look, Elton. You are a great singer, 
                         but a retarded monkey could write better 
                         lyrics.
 
                                     ELTON
                         I really thought I had it this time 
                         with "Cheddar Cheese Girl."
 
                                     CHEF
                         What you need is a guy to write realy 
                         good lyrics for you. I know a guy named 
                         Bernie Taupin who's workin' at Moth 
                         Burger right now. I'll give him a call.
 
                         
                                     ELTON
                         That's a great idea!

                                     CHEF
                         And Elton. Why don't you get yourself 
                         some new threads? You know. Some slick 
                         trousers and shit.
 
                                     ELTON
                         And so I got Bernie to write my lyrics. 
                         And if it wasn't for Chef, I would never've 
                         had a career in music.
 
                                     STAN
                         So will you buy some of our candy bars 
                         to help him out?
 
                                     ELTON
                         Yes, of course. I'll buy three Crispy 
                         Yum-Yums.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Three Crispy Yum-Yums.

                                     STAN
                         Hey, Elton, if I give you these lyrics, 
                         will you write a song for my girlfriend, 
                         Wendy?
 
                                     ELTON
                         Sure, kid. But I would retain exclusive 
                         worldwide rights,  including but not 
                         limited to Asian territories, with a 
                         20% commission from all domestic sales, 
                         and sole ownership of any and all publishing.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          'Kay.

                                     ELTON
                          Tell Chef I said 'hi.'

                                     STAN
                         Thanks, dude.

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, we'll have Chef's $2 million in 
                         no time!
 
               [The Broflovski house. Chef is in bed with Sheila as she smokes. 
               Kyle's picture is on one nightstand]
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh, thank you, Chef.

                                     CHEF
                         No problem, Mrs. Broflovski. Uuh, now, 
                         about that hundred bucks?
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Eh, of course!  Here you go.  Leaving 
                         so soon?
 
                                     CHEF
                         I've got a loohohohohohohohohong way 
                         to go to raise the kind of money I need. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Well, best of luck to you then.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          How was it, honey?

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Pretty much what I expected.

               [The boys stand before another house, and Kyle knocks. The boys 
               now pull a money meter around on a red cart. The door opens]
 
               
                                     STAN
                         Hello? Are you Meatloaf?

                                     MEATLOAF
                         Yeah. What the hell do you want?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Mr. Loaf, we are selling candy bars 
                         for our dying friend.
 
                                     KYLE
                         He's not dying, Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Shut your goddamned mouth!  We have 
                         Nilla Crunchies, Berry Bars.
 
                                     MEATLOAF
                         What's this for?

                                     STAN
                         Our friend, Chef.

                                     MEATLOAF
                         Chef's in trouble?

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. Do you know him?

                                     MEATLOAF
                         Do I?

                                     COUS-COUS
                         Nobody came again.

                                     CHEF
                         There, there, Cous-Cous. It'll be all 
                         right. Maybe you just need to change 
                         your image. 
 
                                     COUS-COUS
                         What do you mean?

                                     CHEF
                         Nobody wants to see a guy called Cous-Cous. 
                         You need a big, strong, beefy name.
 
                         
                                     COUS-COUS
                         Beefy, like uuuuh… Tri-tip!

                                     CHEF
                         Aw, that's not bad. Here, have some 
                         meatloaf.
 
                                     MEATLOAF
                         I owe eveything to Chef.

                                     STAN
                         Wow. So you'll help him?

                                     MEATLOAF
                         You bet. Give me a box of Nilla Yum-Yum's 
                         and a couple of Berry Bars.
 
                                     STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN
                         Cool!

                                     KENNY
                          (Hooray!)

               [Ms. Crabtree's house. Chef is in bed with her]

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         All right, let's get this show on the 
                         road! Come 'ere, puppy!
 
                                     CHEF
                         Uh, uh, hold on a second, Ms. Crabtree. 
                         How would you like to use some… sex 
                         toys?
 
                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         Sex toys? Like what?

                                     CHEF
                         Like this very special device.  I call 
                         it "Chef's Pleasure Bag."
 
                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         How does it work?

                                     CHEF
                         Now, all you do is put this paper bag 
                         over your head, and it increases your 
                         sexual pleasure.
 
                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         Really? Well, hell, let's give it a 
                         shot. 
 
                                     CHEF
                          Aaah, yeah. That's much better.

               [The boys visit Rick James]

                                     RICK
                         Sure. I'll do anything for Chef. Give 
                         me a box of those Choco-Numbers. 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Gosh. Thanks, Rick James.

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, thanks.  That's $35 dollars. Come 
                         on, you guys. We've gotta hurry and 
                         give this money to Chef!
 
               [City Hall. Chef and the Mayor are in her bed]

                                     THE MAYOR
                         Ohoho, that was wonderful, Chef. Good 
                         show!
 
                                     CHEF
                          I can't keep doin' this. It's killin' 
                         me!
 
                                     THE MAYOR
                          Ugh, come on, buck up, little fella.
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         I'm serious! I'm not gonna make it.
 
                         
                                     THE MAYOR
                         Sure you are, Chef. I'll give you a 
                         hundred more for another romp!  Aw, 
                         hell!
 
               [Mr. Garrison's house. Officer Barbrady enters]

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Thanks for coming, Officer Barbrady!
 
                         
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         What's this all about?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         These pictures just arrived. I set up 
                         a camera, and caught Mr. Twig's assailant 
                         red-handed! Now, go arrest 'im!  What??
 
                         
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Can I go now?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Yes. Yes, uh-I'm sorry.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Weirdo. 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          It can't be. These can't be right. 
                          Mr. Hat!! 
 
               [the boys go to Chef's house. Three police cars are there. The 
               boys walk in to see Chef being cuffed]
 
                                     STAN
                         Wait, wait. What are you doing?

                                     CHEF
                         It's over, children. I couldn't raise 
                         the $2 million to hire Johnny Cochran, 
                         and now I have to go to jail.
 
                                     STAN
                          No you don't.

                                     CHEF
                         Huh?

                                     KYLE
                         We went to a bunch of rock stars and 
                         sold them candy bars to raise the moeny 
                         you needed.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Did what?! Wow! How much did you make?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Cartman?

                                     CARTMAN
                          Well, you can see here that we raised 
                         approximately $95, falling well short 
                         of our $2 million goal illustrated here.
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                          Ooh.

                                     KYLE
                         But we can put our money together with 
                         the money you made whoring yourself 
                         to all the women. How much did you make?
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         I made about $410,300, but-

                                     MR. BIG RECORD PRODUCER
                         That doesn't matter, because that money 
                         belongs to me!
 
                                     STAN
                         You can't take Chef's money! That illeg-!
 
                         
                                     MR. BIG RECORD PRODUCER
                         I AM ABOVE THE LAW! 

                                     OFFICER
                         All right, you. It's time to go!

                                     CHEF
                         Good-bye, children. Thanks for all your 
                         help.
 
                                     OFFICER
                         Let's go. 

                                     CHEF
                          Ow! What the hell did you do that for?!
 
                         
                                     OFFICER
                         I don't tell you how to do your job, 
                         don't tell me how to do mine!
 
                                     CHEF
                          Ow!  Ow!

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, Chef is gone.

                                     STAN
                         No more Chef.

                                     CARTMAN
                          No more Salisbury steak and pecan pie. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         We can't let him down, you guys.

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, it's over. He's gone.

                                     STAN
                         No! Chef wouldn't give up on us. How 
                         many times has Chef gotten us out of 
                         trouble?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Four.

                                     KYLE
                         But what are we gonna do?

                                     STAN
                         It's easy, dude. Chef Aid.

                                     KYLE
                         Chef Aid?

                                     STAN
                         Yeah. We set up a stage, and have Cartman 
                         do the German Dance. Then we charge 
                         people for tickets.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey, that's a great idea!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah!

               [Mr. Garrison's house. He paces back and forth in front of Mr. 
               Hat, seated in the armchair]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Did you think I would just take you 
                         back? Like you can just, walk out and 
                         then, come back like nothing happened? 
                         Oh, don't look at me like that, Mr. 
                         Hat. Remember, you're the one that left! 
                         And I'm NOT goin' to take you back! 
                          You can just go to hell!  You go to 
                         hell and you die!  You are a lying ball 
                         of turd, Mr. Hat!!  I hope you starve, 
                         you lousy son of a bitch!!  What are 
                         you all looking at? This is just between 
                         me and Mr. Hat.
 
                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         It's over, Mr. Garrison. This is it. 
                         We've had enough.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Wuwhat do you mean?

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         I'm afraid it's the big house for you, 
                         fruitcake.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         What?! Jail??

               [Chef Aid. Fanfare.]

                                     CARTMAN
                         

               
               I will do the German daunce for you.

               It's fun and gay and tra-la-la

               I hope you will enjoy my daunce

               Feedly-I feedly-I ay.

               
               [some folks stop by, then leave]

                                     KYLE
                         Hmm. This isn't going over so well.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Cartman just needs to put more into 
                         it  Dance better, Cartman!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         

               
               "Would you like some sauerkraut

               German boy, German boy?"

               "Yes I'd like some sauerkraut.

               Boy, I'm hungry!"

               
               [a white limousine pulls up]

                                     ELTON
                          Howdy ho, boys!

                                     STAN
                         Elton John. What are you doing here?
 
                         
                                     ELTON
                         It occured to me that you might need 
                         some more help raising money for Chef.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Boy, do we!

                                     ELTON
                         So I called a few friends, and we all 
                         decided to come over. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Wow, cool!

                                     ELTON
                         I see you've got a stage all set up 
                         for us.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, dude. It's all yours!

                                     ELTON
                         Then, let's rock and roll! Or something 
                         simlar.
 
                                     CARTMAN, KENNY
                         Hooray!

               [South Park Police Dept. Chef and Garrison now share the same 
               cell]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         …And Mr. Twig is at home; he has no 
                         idea Mr. Hat is even back. I mean, I 
                         care a lot about Mr. Twig, but Mr. Hat 
                         and I have so much history.
 
                                     CHEF
                         You've finally snapped, huh, Garrison?
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         What?

                                     CHEF
                         Don't you get it, Garrison? It's all 
                         you! You're Mr. Hat and Mr. Twig! You've 
                         got split personalities schizophrenic 
                         jeebies.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         …I warn you, Chef! Don't even think 
                         of taking advantage of me in this prison 
                         cell!
 
                                     CHEF
                         What??

               [back at Chef Aid. The stage has been reworked with the addition 
               of PA system, drums, floodlights, spotlights]
 
                                     TEEN MC
                         Okay. Thanks for coming to Chef Aid, 
                         everybody! Are you ready to rock and 
                         roll?!  Woo!  All right, let's get things 
                         going with… Rancid!!  Ran-cid! 
 
                                     RANCID
                         California sun has sunk

               But Amana mailed, she'll come tonight

               I wish I were junk-

               
               [people begin to jump to the music and buy tickets]

               [back in jail]

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         You still aren't entertaining any ideas 
                         of raping me here in this prison cell, 
                         are you, Chef?
 
                                     CHEF
                         No, Garrison! Shut the hell up!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well that's good. 

                                     CHEF
                         What the?!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Oh boy, we're free!  Wow, what a daring 
                         rescue!  Mr. Hat!  Mr. Hat saved us, 
                         Chef!  Come on, let's get in the truck! 
                         I'll drive from here, Mr. Hat. 
 
                                     CHEF
                         How the hell did he reach the gas pedal?
 
                         
               [Chef Aid. Rick James has just ended a song. The group is now 
               a crowd, cheering the music]
 
                                     RICK
                         Mmmmm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mmmm.

                                     TEEN MC
                         Rick James, ladies and gentlemen!

                                     RICK
                         God bless you, Chef! 

                                     TEEN MC
                         And now here's your favorite band, Primus! 
                         Woo!
 
                                     LES CLAYPOOL
                          We're damned proud to be here to support 
                         our good buddy, Chef. It was Chef who 
                         told us in the early days, to keep trying 
                         and to keep pursuing our dreams, no 
                         matter how much we sucked. I love that 
                         man. 
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Wooo!

                                     MR. BIG RECORD PRODUCER
                          What are you bastards doing?

                                     KYLE
                         We are raising money so that Chef can 
                         hire Johnny Cochran to sue you!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, now get out of here before I kick 
                         you in the nuts!
 
                                     MR. BIG RECORD PRODUCER
                         Oh yeah? We'll just see about this!
 
                         
                                     TEEN MC
                         Now here's Joe Strummer! Wooo-hoo!
 
                         
                                     JOE
                         You know, in the Classroom Tour, we 
                         lost a beat. Chef would be like it was 
                         so offstage going, "Don't forget. Pump 
                         your loins, children."  You know, it 
                         was like his mo'o, or something.
 
                                     TEEN MC
                          Woo! 

                                     JOE
                         Well it's a rockin' world, make no mistake 
                         about it
 
               It's a shockin' world, could be what's so great about it

               [The truck pulls up and Chef exits]

               
               It's a rockin' world, there ain't nothing fake abou-

                                     CHEF
                         What the hell is this? 

                                     THE CROWD
                         Welcome to Chef Aid, Chef.

                                     STAN
                         Wow, how'd you get out of jail, Chef?
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         Mr. Hat busted me out. Children, did 
                         you do this?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well, we helped.

                                     STAN
                         We're gonna raise your money, Chef.
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                          I don't believe it!

                                     MR. BIG RECORD PRODUCER
                          We'll just see how long this Chef Aid 
                         thing lasts! 
 
                                     TEEN MC
                         And now, here he is. TV's Ozzy Osbourne!
 
                         
                                     OZZY
                         We're all here to help our good friend, 
                         Chef, who has touched our lives in the 
                         past.  I remember when I was just starting 
                         out. Chef suggested I buy a pompadour 
                         hat. I thought he said, "bite the head 
                         off a bat," so I did. And the rest, 
                         oh, it's just history. Now, let's go 
                         freakeeee! 
 
               
               Ain't nowhere to run (come everybody let's)

               [the producer continues sawing. Two of the supports are gone]
 
               
               Ain't nowhere to hide (come on!)

               
               [picks up Kenny and bites into him] Arrrrrrrrgh

                                     KENNY
                         (All right dude, let me go now)

               Ozzy	[looks up with a bloody mouth] Yaahhhh! [Kenny's head is 
               missing. The music dies down]
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh my God, Ozzy Osbourne bit Kenny's 
                         head off!
 
                                     KYLE
                         You bastard!

                                     TEEN MC
                         And now here's Ween! 

                                     DEAN
                          We're proud to be a part of Chef Aid.
 
                         
                                     GENE
                         Chef is the guy who told us to do a 
                         country album.
 
                                     DEAN
                         Whoa, dude, that was Steve's idea.
 
                         
                                     GENE
                         Oh, then. Who's Chef?

                                     DEAN
                         I don't know, dude. I though you knew 
                         him.
 
                                     GENE
                         Oh, well. Anyways, here's our song! 
                         
 
                                     WEEN
                         Many colors in my homo rainbow

               Don't be afraid to let your colors shine

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Don't worry, Mr. Twig. Even though 
                         Mr. Hat rescued me from prison, I'm 
                         still gonna stick with you. 
 
                                     MR. TWIG
                          Do you love him?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         It doesn't matter. He left me.

                                     MR. TWIG
                         Do you love him?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Yes. 

                                     MR. TWIG
                         Then run to him.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         But I feel like I'd be making the wrong 
                         decision.
 
                                     MR. TWIG
                         Love isn't a decision, it's a feeling. 
                         If we could decide who we love, it would 
                         be much simpler, but much less magical.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I'll never forget you, Mr. Twig. Thank 
                         you. 
 
                                     TEEN MC
                         And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Elton 
                         John! Woo! 
 
                                     ELTON
                          Thank you all for coming to help Chef. 
                         This is a song written by a veerry special 
                         little boy  I have no idea what his 
                         name is. Agh, who the hell cares? Anyway, 
                         he wrote it for his girlfriend. 
 
               
               Wake up, Wendy. Smell the coffee

               [Wendy smiles and looks over at Stan. Stan looks baack]

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, that's your song for Wendy!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ha haa, you're a wuss. 

                                     ELTON
                         You know I do want you

               Your flavors smell of peanuts peanuts peanuts…

               [the record producer saws yet another support, and this one brings 
               the stage down, with Elton still on it. The lights go out, and 
               the audience is stunned]
 
                                     MR. BIG RECORD PRODUCER
                         Haa ha ha ha ha. I win. You lose! Chef 
                         Aid is over, and you didn't raise near 
                         enough money to pay Cochran's legal 
                         fees. Ha hahaha I win!
 
                                     VOICE OVER
                         And what happened then? Well, in South 
                         Park they say , Johnny Cochran's heart 
                         grew three sizes that day. 
 
                                     COCHRAN
                         Wait!  Mr. Chef, this music has really 
                         touched me. I'd like to take up your 
                         case, free of charge!
 
                                     CHEF
                         You will?

                                     COCHRAN
                         I will.

                                     CROWD
                         YEA!!

                                     MR. BIG RECORD PRODUCER
                         No!

                                     COCHRAN
                         We'll see you in court, Mr. Record Producer.
 
                         
                                     MR. BIG RECORD PRODUCER
                          Nooooooooooo!

               [Back to the courthouse. Cochran now prosecutes for Chef, and 
               the record producer has a new lawyer. The boys are now among 
               the obssrvers]
 
                                     COCHRAN
                         Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed 
                         jury, you must now decide whether or 
                         not to reverse the decision for my client, 
                         Chef.  I know he seeems guilty, but 
                         ladies and gentlemen, this… is Chewbacca. 
                          Now think about that for one minute: 
                         that does NOT MAKE SENSE! Why am I talkin' 
                         about Chewbacca when a man's life is 
                         on the line?  Why? I tell you why. I 
                         don't know. It doesn't make sense. If 
                         Chewbacca does not make sense, you must 
                         acquit!  Here, look at the monkey. Look 
                         at the silly monkey. 
 
               [The courthouse doors open and Chef emerges, with the four boys 
               behind him. Reporters gather around him]
 
                                     REPORTER
                         Chef? How does it feel to be a free 
                         man and finally have your name credited 
                         on the song, "Stinky Britches"?
 
                                     CHEF
                         It feels greaheet! I just can't fuhind 
                         the words to thank all the artists who 
                         put on Chef Aid. And most of all, I 
                         want to thank the children.
 
                                     REPORTER
                         So, what are you gonna do now?

                                     CHEF
                         Get back to what's important. It's Tuesday! 
                         And that means tomorrow is Tuna Casserole 
                         Day.
 
                                     THE BOYS
                         Hooray!

                                     


               THE END



Chef aid



Writers :   Trey Parker  Matt Stone
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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