The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb)


The web's largest
movie script resource!

Search IMSDb

Alphabetical
# A B C D E F G H
I J K L M N O P Q
R S T U V W X Y Z

Genre
Action Adventure Animation
Comedy Crime Drama
Family Fantasy Film-Noir
Horror Musical Mystery
Romance Sci-Fi Short
Thriller War Western

Sponsor

TV Transcripts
Futurama
Seinfeld
South Park
Stargate SG-1
Lost
The 4400

International
French scripts

Movie Software
DVD ripper software offer
Rip from DVD
Rip Blu-Ray

Latest Comments
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10
Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10
Batman Begins9/10
Collateral10/10
Jackie Brown8/10

Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 406


                               "CHEROKEE HAIR TAMPONS"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [South Park Elementary, day. Mr. Garrison's classroom. But this 
               day, a substitute teacher enters with a bag of stuff and makes 
               an announcement.]
 
                                     SUBSTITUTE
                         Good morning, children. Mr. Garrison 
                         is away today. I am your substitute 
                         teacher, Mr. Wyland. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh, sweet, dude. Substitute teacher.
 
                         
                                     MR. WYLAND
                         Now, I understand that some students 
                         in this class like to mess with substitute 
                         teachers.  But if we all behave and 
                         respect each other, I'm sure we can 
                         make this a fun and productive day. 
                         Let's start with roll call. Let's see, 
                         mmmmm.  Eric Cartman?
 
                                     STAN
                          Here! 

                                     MR. WYLAND
                         Alright, and how about Stan Marsh?
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                          (Here.) 

                                     WENDY
                         It's not that funny, you guys. Jesus.
 
                         
                                     MR. WYLAND
                         Okay, and where iiiiss... Kenny McCormick?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          (Here.)  Oh, hoho. Ow.

                                     STAN
                         Dude, what the hell was that?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, huh. Oh, geez, you know, when you're 
                         laughin' so hard that the milk comes 
                         out your nose? Uh ho ho, man!
 
                                     STAN
                          ...Dude, you weren't drinking any milk.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Huh?

                                     STAN
                         You have to be drinking milk for that 
                         to happen.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Not with me, man.

                                     MR. WYLAND
                         Alright. Look, why don't we skip roll 
                         call? Here's what we're gonna do today. 
                          I've been told that one of your classmates 
                         has been ill for several days — Kyle 
                         Broflovski?
 
                                     STAN
                          He's fakin'!

                                     MR. WYLAND
                         Well, I've been told that in Mr. Garrison's 
                         absence, our activity for the day is 
                         to make a get-well card for Kyle. So 
                         I got this large piece of poster board, 
                         and we're all gonna come up and use 
                         glitter.and glue to decorate it.
 
                                     THE CLASS
                          Awww. 

                                     CARTMAN
                          He's fakin'! 

                                     MR. WYLAND
                         Kenny, you come and decorate the get-well 
                         card, too.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         But I don't want Kyle to get well. I 
                         hate Kyle.
 
                                     MR. WYLAND
                         I don't care! Get down here and do it!
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hey, watch it!  Hey, what are you doin'? 
                         
 
               Get Well

               Kyle

                                     STAN
                         Now, that's a get-well card! 

               [Denver, day. The Denver School Administration building is shown. 
               Inside, the South Park School Board is meeting. Principal Victoria 
               is present among the three people seated around a horseshoe-shaped 
               table.]
 
                                     CHAIRMAN
                         Mr. Garrison, after very careful review 
                         the school board believes that you should 
                         take a... hiatus from teaching. Indefinitely.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         What??

                                     BOARD MEMBER
                         Frankly, your conduct has been somewhat 
                         disconcerting. 
 
                                     CHAIRMAN
                         Did you know that not one of your students 
                         knew who Sam Adams was?
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well, who cares about a guy that makes 
                         beer?! Jesus Christ, I'm trying to teach 
                         history!
 
                                     CHAIRMAN
                         ...Frankly, Mr. Garrison, it isn't even 
                         your educational record that we're most 
                         concerned about.  It's your somewhat 
                         substantial police record.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Oh, whatever!

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Mr. Garrison, last week's charges of 
                         attempting to solicit sex from a minor 
                         wa-
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         That was not me, that was Mr. Hat! 
 
                         
                                     BOARD MEMBER
                         All we're saying is, perhaps you should 
                         take a little hiatus from teaching until 
                         this little  "child molestation" thing 
                         dies down a bit.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Gentlemen, teaching is all I know. 
                         It is the air that I breathe.
 
                                     CHAIRMAN
                         We're sorry, Mr. Garrison, we have no 
                         choice.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Very well. I guess... I'm not a teacher 
                         anymore.  I suppose you'll be wanting 
                         my badge and gun... 
 
                                     CHAIRMAN
                         Mr. Garrison, most teachers do not carry 
                         a gun!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, sorry. So I can keep it then?

               [Kyle's house, day, Kyle's room. He's in bed delirious and mumbling. 
               His door opens and in walks Sheila with Sharon and Stan.]
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Kyle, Stan and his mother came over 
                         to visit you.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Hello, sweetie. 

                                     STAN
                         Dude, you can stop faking now. We got 
                         a substitute teacher.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         They say it's his kidneys. Kyle always 
                         has been a diabetic and lately his kidneys 
                         have just been shutting down.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Well, the kids at school made you a 
                         card, Kyle. Look. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Go on, Butters!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Ho, I don't wanna!

                                     STAN
                         Butters, go on!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh, uhuh alright, then. 

               We're so sorry you're not feeling well.

               We hope you're better soon.

               So we're bringing you some sunshine

               [brings out a cane and dances]

               Everybody misses you

               And though we hate to cause a fuss

               We'd like to say, "Get well soon!"

               And "Please don't die on us." 

               [pulls a rip cord and a bunch of ballons inflate automatically 
               around hin. Kyle babbles some more]
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, you really are sick, huh?

                                     KYLE
                         I don't know, I...

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         I don't know what to do, Sharon. They 
                         wanna have him go into surgery, but 
                         they're so dangerous.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Sheila, have you tried holistic natural 
                         medicines? They work wonders. I read 
                         all about in People.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Really? In People?

                                     SHARON
                         There's a brand-new shop in town that 
                         sells holistic medicines and all-natural 
                         foods. It's run by this fascinating 
                         woman named "Miss Information."
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh, well, with a name like "Miss Information" 
                         she must know something.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Why don't we at least take Kyle down 
                         there and see what she has to say.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Okay. I'll get our coats. 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Can I go now?

               [South Park Elementary, Mr. Mackey's office. Craig... oh, never 
               mind.]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          I don't know what I'm goin' tuh do, 
                         Mackey. Teaching is all I know.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          Okay, well, maybe you need to view 
                         this as a chance to do something you've 
                         always wanted to do.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I've always wanted to write a novel.
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Well, there you go, m'kay?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         But I never know what to write about.
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Well that's easy. Write about what you 
                         know. Write about what you love. What 
                         do you love most?
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Besides teaching?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Yes.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         ...Poontang.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         M, m'kay

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I can't help it. I'm a womanizer sometimes, 
                         I know, but I just think that... taking 
                         a woman home and getting some hot poon 
                         is about the greatest thing in the world.
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Well that settles it, Mr. Garrison. 
                         What you need to do is go write a great 
                         romance novel.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Yes, that's it.  I am going to write 
                         the Great American Romance Novel!
 
                         
               Miss Information

               (New Age Shop)

               [The new shop. The sign is framed by two antlers and its entrance 
               is a curtain of beads. In the picture window you see a pyramid 
               with an eye on one side, a crystal ball and stand, a little elephant, 
               and some charms. Outside, under the window, is a bed of flowers. 
               Inside, Miss Information talks to Stan, Kyle, and their moms. 
               Kyle looks fatigued]
 
                                     MISS INFORMATION
                         You see, the reason our body is stale 
                         is because of toxins.
 
                                     SSHEILA
                         Toxins?

                                     MISS INFORMATION
                         All the horrible food we eat—the sodas 
                         and meats are filled with toxins, and 
                         the only way for us to get better is 
                         to flush those toxins out of our system. 
                         Western medicine is so quick to cut 
                         and carve up, but all your son needs 
                         is a  toxin-flushing diet of lemon juice 
                         and cayenne pepper.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Wow, that's amazing, Miss Information!
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         You hear that, Kyle? You don't need 
                         surgery after all. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Uh excuse ne, but, what do these toxins 
                         look like?
 
                                     MISS INFORMATION
                         What?

                                     STAN
                         Wuh, have you ever actually seen a toxin?
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         Don't be a smartass, Stanley.

                                     MISS INFORMATION
                         Mrs. Broflovski, I would like to give 
                         your son herbs that focus on the kidney. 
                         I have these excellent herbs from local 
                         Native Americans.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Ooo, Native Americans. Now, they know 
                         how to heal the body spiritually. 
 
                         
               [Mr. Garrison's house, night. A second-story window casts a shadow 
               of Mr. Garrison at his laptop computer. He types...]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         
               Out on the balcony, when Reginald kissed Diana's lips, her knees 
               went weak. Slowly, he pulled her top down, exposing her soft, 
               unyielding breasts
 
               Oh yeah, now this is getting good [sips some wine]

               Just the sight of those breasts made Reginald's penis very hard.
 
               
               [taps his chin with his left index finger]

               His penis was of considerable size, and now beads of sweat slowly 
               ran down his
 
               [pauses]

               penis, making it glisten like a strong swimmer fresh from out 
               of the pool. It was a fantastic penis, that seemed as strong 
               as a horse's leg, yet as delicate as a flower wrapped in silk. 
               What a grand, grand penis. Diana's nipples
 
               [music cuts off. He thinks] Uh, let's see... [taps his chin with 
               his right index finger] Diana's nipples... [aloud] Oh, writer's 
               block, writer's block! Hmmm. Crap! I'm stuck. [turns his body 
               to one side] Oh well, maybe that's enough writing for today, 
               Mr. Hat.
 
               [Kyle's house, morning. At Kyle's bedside, Sharon, Sheila, and 
               Liane talk to each other while Stan keeps vigil. Three other 
               mothers are there]
 
                                     MRS. TWEEK
                         Oh my, he looks terrible.

                                     BLONDE MOTHER
                         Yes, poor little dear.

                                     MISS INFORMATION
                          Good morning, everyone.

                                     BLONDE MOTHER
                          Oh, thanks for coming, Miss. Information. 
                         Kyle seems to be getting worse. 
 
                                     MISS INFORMATION
                         Huuuuuuuuuh  Oh, I don't agree. He seems 
                         much better.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Really?

                                     STAN
                         What?

                                     MISS INFORMATION
                         Yes, his chi is flowing much nicer than 
                         yesterday, and his aura is lighter.
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         Oh, that's great news! 

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh no!

                                     MISS INFORMATION
                         Nono, that's good. Those are the toxins 
                         flushing out of the system.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Ooooo.

                                     STAN
                         Those aren't toxins. That's the been 
                         with bacon soup he ate half an hour 
                         ago.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Stanley, what did I say about being 
                         a smartass?!
 
                                     STAN
                         Don't be a smartass?

                                     MISS INFORMATION
                         Now, don't be fooled. As Kyle's body 
                         sheds itself more and more of all the 
                         toxins he will appear to be getting 
                         worse, but actually, he is getting better!
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Wow. Well, I am on natural medicines. 
                         If only I had known sooner.
 
                                     OTHER MOTHERS
                          I agree. Yeah. That's right. 

               [Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Dr. Doctor is in his office filling 
               out a form]
 
                                     NURSE
                          Mr. Marsh is here to see you.

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         Alright, send him in.  Oh, Stanley.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Hi, doctor. 

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         How can I help you?

                                     STAN
                         Well, it's my friend, Kyle. I think 
                         he's really, really sick.
 
                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         He is really, really sick, Stanley. 
                         I was seeing him last week when he first 
                         got ill, but unfortunately his mother 
                         has decided to put all her trust intuuuh 
                         holistic medicine..
 
                                     STAN
                         But I don't think it's working.

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         Alright, Stanley, I'm going to be very 
                         honest with you. Your little friend 
                         Kyle needs a kidney transplant. Or it 
                         is very possible that... he will die.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Die? But... Kyle's my best friend. In 
                         the whole world.
 
                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         I know this is a lot to lay on someone 
                         your age, but... the rest of the town 
                         is so gung-ho in New Age medicine that 
                         I have nowhere else to turn.
 
                                     STAN
                         ...I'll give Kyle my kidney, even if it 
                         hurts a whole lot; I don't care.
 
                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         That's very brave, Stan, but I've already 
                         checked my records, and you and Kyle 
                         aren't a match for kidneys. In fact, 
                          there's only one person in South Park 
                         with the same blood type as Kyle.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Who?  Oh, shit.

               [Cartman's house, day. Cartman and Kenny are playing at dogfights 
               in the air, and Kenny makes sound effects while maneuvering a 
               yellow ship]
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Rrrrooowwwrrr, rroowwrr, pew, pew, 
                         POW.) 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         "Coming in for attack, Captain." Pipew, 
                         pipipew  Give me the space cruiser, 
                         Kenny.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (No, no.)

                                     CARTMAN
                         Come on, Kenny, you have to give me 
                         the subspace cruiser  so I can destroy 
                         the Gengrins on Crespus 5.
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Unngh. Stop, no! No, it's mine!)  
                         (There! It's mine!) 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No, mine. M'yah!  Ha haa ha! I broke 
                         your space cruiser, Kenny! Ha haa, ha 
                         ha ha  bluh oh, ha-ow! 
 
                                     LIANE
                          Ooh, sweetums, did you laugh too hard 
                         again?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah.

                                     LIANE
                         Well, some more of your little friends 
                         are here to play with you. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, mom.

                                     LIANE
                          And don't get too close to Kyle. He 
                         looks like he might have the AIDS. 
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         What's goin' on, guys?

                                     STAN
                         Cartman, we have to ask you a quuestion. 
                         A very serious question.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh-kay.

                                     STAN
                         Kyle's in trouble, Cartman. I can see 
                         him getting worse right before my eyes. 
                         There might be a way that you... can save 
                         his life.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh huh.

                                     STAN
                         What Kyle really needs... is a new kidney.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, I think I see where this is going. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         His mom is trying all this Eastern medicine 
                         and New Age bullcrap on him, but its 
                         obviously not working.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Stan, why don't you just ask the question?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Alright. Will you donate one of your 
                         kidneys to Kyle?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         

               No no, no no, no!

               No no, no no, no!

                                     STAN
                         But you only need one, fat boy!

                                     CARTMAN
                         No no, no no, nono no!

               Nonono, no no!

                                     STAN
                         Dude, one of your friends is goin' tuh 
                         die! Don't you see how serious this 
                         is?!
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Not when I try to tell him!) 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, perhaps I could see my way to 
                         giving up a kidney. For a price.
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh my God!

                                     KYLE
                         How much?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't know. How much is your life 
                         worth to you, Kyle?
 
                                     STAN
                         Cartman, you are so going to hell when 
                         you die!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes, well, until then, I need about 
                         ten million dollars.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Ten million dollars??)

                                     STAN
                         What the hell would you do with ten 
                         million dollars, fatass?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What I intend to do with the money is 
                         not an issue, is it? I suggest you start 
                         looking for that money quickly. Kyle 
                         doesn't seem to have much time. Tick-tock. 
                         Tick-tock.
 
                                     STAN
                         Come on, Kyle. Let's get out of here. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay. Where were we, Kenny? Oh yeah. 
                          "Quick, Captain, we must destroy the 
                         Gengrin across the fire." Give me the 
                         space cruiser. Give it, Kenny. M'yah!
 
                         
               [Miss Information's shop, next day. A line of folks wait to enter 
               the shop while a few shoppers exit with their purchases. Inside, 
               the shop is busy.]
 
                                     MAN 1
                         Ooo, free-range aspirin!

                                     MAN 2
                         All-natural cell phones! 

                                     MISS INFORMATION
                         Oh, look eveyone. These are our two 
                         resident Native Americans. Chief Running 
                         Pinto, and Carlos Ramirez. 
 
                                     MAN 3
                          Ooo.

                                     MAN 4
                         I'd like to buy some more stuff.

                                     MAN 5
                         Come in. Come here, guys.

                                     MAN 6
                         Do you have any new holistic items for 
                         sale?
 
                                     CARLOS RAMIREZ
                         Oohh, oh yeah. Aah...  Here, uh, this 
                         is a ahh dream...catcher.
 
                                     WOMAN 1
                         Oh, a dreamcatcher. I'll buy one. 
 
                         
                                     CHIEF RUNNING PINTO
                          Yeah. And these here are Cherokee hair 
                         tampons. They're, like, tampons made 
                         with all-natural hair from the Cherokee 
                         people.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Ooh, a tampon made from Cherokee hair—now 
                         that sounds natural.
 
                                     MISS INFORMATION
                         Native Americans are more in tune with 
                         the earth than we are.
 
                                     CHIEF RUNNING PINTO
                         Oh yeah. We love the earth, man.

                                     CARLOS RAMIREZ
                         Oh yeah, the earth is great.

                                     MISS INFORMATION
                          Mrs. Broflovski's son is a little sick. 
                         Perhaps she could bring him in tomorrow 
                         and you could give him some spiritual 
                         healing.
 
                                     CHIEF RUNNING PINTO
                         Oh, sure. We could do that, man. We'll 
                         give him, like, a, a brain enema, or 
                         somethin'.
 
                                     CARLOS RAMIREZ
                          uh'hm, ho ho hm.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Wonderful!

                                     MISS INFORMATION
                          Why don't you follow me over to the 
                         cash register and I'll take a deposit. 
                         
 
                                     MAN 7
                         D'you have anymore stuff to sell? We 
                         wanna buy more stuff.
 
                                     MAN 8
                         Yes. Much, much more stuff.

                                     CHIEF RUNNING PINTO
                         Sure, uh, we just gotta go back to our 
                         truck- I'm, I mean our horses and grab 
                         some more junk.  Come on. 
 
                                     MISS INFORMATION
                         Good-bye, Native Americans. The spirit 
                         of Maya is with you.
 
                                     CARLOS RAMIREZ
                         Oh yah. You too and junk. 

                                     CHIEF RUNNING PINTO
                          That's funny, man. 

                                     SHARON
                         Oh hi, Stanley. Look, I'm buying you 
                         some more all-natural toothpaste.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         You mean the stuff that tastes like 
                         ass and doesn't fight cavities?
 
                                     SHARON
                         That's right.

                                     STAN
                         Look, um... I know that you all think 
                         the earth and its natural healing powers 
                         can cure Kyle, but... the doctor at the 
                         hospital told me it can't.
 
                                     MISS INFORMATION
                         Well, of course the doctor told you 
                         that, because he wants to make money. 
                         Holistic modicine is about NATURE.  
                         Two-hundered and thrity-three dollars. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Everything's going to be fine, Stan. 
                         We're bringing Kyle in tomorrow to see 
                         the Native Americans personally.
 
                                     STAN
                         Isn't it possible that these Indians 
                         don't know what thry're talking about?
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         You watch your mouth, Stanley! The Native 
                         Americans were raped of their land and 
                         resources by white people like us!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         And that has something to do with their 
                         medicines because...?
 
                                     SHARON
                         Enough, Stanley!

               [Miss Information's shop, next day, curbside. Kenny is sitting 
               there. Stan exits the store, walks over to him, and sits down 
               next to him. Somber music plays]
 
                                     STAN
                         Nobody wants to listen, Kenny.

                                     KENNY
                         (I know.)

                                     STAN
                         I don't know what else to do. I mean, 
                         he could die, Kenny. And that means 
                         we'd never see him again.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Uh huh.)

                                     STAN
                         I guess maybe I've always taken friends 
                         for granted, like they'd always be there. 
                         If a friend died, I don't know what 
                         I'd do.  Well, I'm not just gonna stand 
                         here and watch my friend die. Kenny, 
                         go round up all the kids in town who 
                         want to help Kyle! Round them up and 
                         meet me at the bus stop at 7:30! Kyle's 
                         gonna live! 
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Rrrh!)

               [Mr. Garrison's hosue, night. He's back at his laptop. He's typing 
               with only his left hand now, while Mr. Hat sits on his right 
               hand]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         
               Chapter 18

               Diana had never slept with another woman before, but it was an 
               erotic thought she often fantasized about.
 
               Oh yeah, Mr. Hat. Hot lesbo scene comin' up!

               And as Rebecca's naked body lay before her, Diana couldn't help 
               but feel aroused.
 
               "Go on", Rebecca said softly, "Touch me." Diana leaned down slowly 
               and brushed Rebecca's bare stomach with her fingertips... It felt 
               good. Like a penis. A soft, but sturdy penis that felt warn to 
               the touch. In Rebecca's mind, she suddenly felt like she was 
               surrounded by penises. They were all around her, flopping all 
               around and slapping her face. It was as if she were in a redwood 
               forest of penises.
 
               [unconsciously, his right hand lowers down towards his crotch 
               and is soon out of view, but the arm moves around some...]
 
               They presented themselves tall and mighty all around her, with
 
               
               [catches himself in the act] Mr. Hat, what the hell are you doing?! 
               [looks around to see that no one is watching, then happily] Oh, 
               Mr. Hat.
 
               [Bus stop, night. Stan waits with a book under his arm.]

                                     STAN
                          Come on, where are they? 

                                     STAN
                         This is it??

                                     KENNY
                         (Uh huh)

                                     TIMMY
                         Timmiiihh!

                                     STAN
                         This is everyone that wanted to help 
                         Kyle??
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well, Clyde was gonna come too, but 
                         he, he said his mom was makin' tacos 
                         for dinner and Clyde likes tacos a whole 
                         lot.
 
                                     STAN
                          Jesus Christ! Alright, Butters, you 
                         take this medical book, and everyone 
                         follow me!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Huh, where are we goin'?

                                     STAN
                         We're gon' tuh take Cartman's kidney. 
                         
 
               [Cartman's house, night. Cartman is asleep in his bed... tossing 
               and turnng]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No! NO! Hip- hippies all around me. 
                         Help! Mommy! Huhuhippies!
 
               [Cartman's house, outside. Stan and the others approach, and 
               Stan looks in the lower window. Stan now has a hand saw on his 
               right hand]
 
                                     STAN
                          Okay, it's clear.  Okay. Me and Butters 
                         are gonna go up and take Cartman's kidney 
                         out of him. Kenny, you stay here and 
                         guard his mom's door here with Timmy.
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmiihh!

                                     STAN
                         Sshhh!

                                     TIMMY
                          Timmiihh.

                                     STAN
                         If she hears him screaming, or comes 
                         out or anything, just... stall her. Alright?
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Okay)

                                     TIMMY
                          Timmiihh.

                                     STAN
                         Alright Butters, let's go.  Uh-oh, Cartman's 
                         pig.  Sshh, good pig. Good pig. Goood 
                         pig. Sshh. Okay.  Come on, we gotta 
                         get outta here!  Oh, no!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh well, we're busted. 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Shut up, Fluffy! 

                                     STAN
                         Oh, phew.

               [Cartman's house, later. Cartman's nightmare returns]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hippies. Hi-i-ippies. They're everywhere. 
                         They wanna save the earth, but all they 
                         do is smoke pot and smell bad. He-elp! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Okay, here we go. .Okay, let's see. 
                         Looks like if we cut here, and here...
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         I hope it's not too bloody; I'm wearin' 
                         my favorite pants.
 
                                     STAN
                         ...vein right, well-  Well, here goes 
                         nothing. Help me pull his pajamas up. 
                          No way! Kidney Blocker 2000?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          whatwhatwhatwhat?  Oh, it's Stan and 
                         Butters! Trying to take my kidney, are 
                         you?!
 
                                     STAN
                         You suck, Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Maybe so, but at least I was smart 
                         enough to wear a Kidney Blocker 2000!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         God-damnit, don't you care that Kyle 
                         is gonna die?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I do! I do care! Look how much.  Look. 
                         Look how much I care. 
 
               HAREQUIN ROMANCE

               BOOK PUBLISHING CO.

               [Mr. Garrison has finished his novel and is now inside talking 
               to a publisher]
 
                                     PUBLISHER
                         First and foemost, Mr. Garrison, I would 
                         like to thank you for chosing Harequin 
                         Romance
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Yeahyeahyeah. So, didi you read the 
                         book?
 
                                     PUBLISHER
                         Uh yes, Mr. Garrison, we did read your 
                         book. 
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well, what did you think?

                                     PUBLISHER
                         Well, uh, frankly, Mr. Garrison, n-we 
                         don't know if the Harequin Romance label 
                         is appropriate for you.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Ooohhh, why not??

                                     PUBLISHER
                         Mr. Garrison, uh... are you aware that 
                         the word "penis" occurs six-thousand 
                         and eighty-three times in your novel?
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well, I'm sure there's lots of naughty 
                         words. It is a romance novel.
 
                                     PUBLISHER
                         Nnnno, I don't think that this book 
                         really qualifies as a "romance novel."
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         No?

                                     PUBLISHER
                          No. No, this is what we in the book-publishing 
                         business like to call... gay. Really, 
                         really gay.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         What the hell are you talkin' about?!
 
                         
                                     PUBLISHER
                         It's just that the focus really seems 
                         to be on the... male organs.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well, I thought it was mostly women 
                         that read these things!
 
                                     PUBLISHER
                         It is.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well, women want to read about ding-dongs! 
                         D'you thnk women care about the details 
                         of female anatomy?! Hel-lo! Women wanna 
                         read about big, poweful schlongs!  Look, 
                         I've seen women read these things. They 
                         skim along and skim along until they 
                         get to the part about the penis! That's 
                         what they want, so that's what I'm giving 
                         them!
 
                                     PUBLISHER
                          Hmmm.

               [South Park, next day. Stan and Kenny sit on the curb in front 
               of "South Park Pianos"]
 
                                     STAN
                          There's nothing more I can do, Kenny. 
                         I've tried everything to save Kyle. 
                         Holistic medicine is gonna kill my friend!
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Well uh, nobody seems to care when 
                         I die on them!)
 
                                     STAN
                          My friend is gonna die! He's gonna 
                         die and there's nothing I can do about 
                         it.  Oh, God, he's my best friend... 
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                          (Well now, that does it! I have had 
                         enough of this bullshit! Screw you, 
                         Stan. I'm going home!) 
 
                                     MOVER
                         Look out!  Oops.

                                     STAN
                         Awgh! I'll never see Kyle again! 

               [South Park, Miss Information's shop, day. More people line up 
               to buy holistic stuff. Inside, Carlos Ramirez and Chief Running 
               Pinto field orders.]
 
                                     WOMAN
                         Four dozen Cherokee hair tampons, please.
 
                         
                                     CHIEF RUNNING PINTO
                          No problem, man. Pay Miss Information 
                         up front. 
 
                                     MAN 7
                         Hi, uh, I have a little bit of pain 
                         in my balls whenever I watch VH1.
 
                         
                                     CARLOS RAMIREZ
                         Oh, here, try this, man. Ah, this is 
                         allll-naturalll ball juice. 
 
                                     MAN 7
                         Wow, I feel better already! 

                                     MISS INFORMATION
                          And next we have Mrs. Broflovski's 
                         son. 
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          Okay, here he is.

                                     CHIEF RUNNING PINTO
                         Ahahem, that kid looks really sick.
 
                         
                                     MISS INFORMATION
                         Yes. He really needs his toxins flushed 
                         again.
 
                                     CHIEF RUNNING PINTO
                         No. I mean, he look REALLY sick, man. 
                         You should take him to, like, a doctor.
 
                         
                                     CUSTOMERS
                          Hmm?

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         But you're more in touch with the earth.
 
                         
                                     CHIEF RUNNING PINTO
                         Look, bein' in touch with the earth 
                         has nothing to do with dyin', man.
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         It's okay. We trust that you know whar 
                         you're doing. 
 
                                     CARLOS RAMIREZ
                         No, man, that kid needs a doctor! And 
                         besides, we're not actually Native Americans. 
                         I mean, I'm I'm more like a, a Mexican.
 
                         
                                     CUSTOMERS
                         What?!

                                     MAN
                         Hu-uh?!

                                     CARLOS RAMIREZ
                         Yeah. A Mexican.

                                     MAN 7
                         Uugh.  Ptu, ptu.

                                     MAN 8
                         I didn't know that.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Oh my God! 

                                     SHARON
                         How dare you deceive us like that!
 
                         
                                     CHIEF RUNNING PINTO
                         Hey, we never said we were Native Americans, 
                         man. Miss Information said that.
 
                                     CARLOS RAMIREZ
                         Yeah. She said nobody would buy anything 
                         from Mexicans. 
 
                                     MISS INFORMATION
                         Uh, toxins ARE your enemy. 

                                     WOMAN 1
                         Kill her! 

                                     CARLOS RAMIREZ
                         Funny.

               [South Park, Miss Information's shop, later. Stan, Sheila, and 
               Kyle are still there]
 
                                     STAN
                         So NOW can we take Kyle to the hospital?
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Yes, of course, but we don't have a 
                         kidney donor!
 
                                     STAN
                         That's alright. If you'll all help, 
                         I think I have a plan.
 
               [Cartman's house, morning. A cock crows, and Cartman's radio 
               sounds the alarm. Cartman rises on his bed and stretches]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oohh, morning, hum, hmyeah. HWAA!  That 
                         son of a bitch!
 
               [Stan's house, moments later. Cartman approaches and pounds on 
               the door. Stan quickly opens it.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Okay, asshole! Give me back my kidney!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Dude, please. Kyle needs it.

                                     CARTMAN
                         It's MINE! Not yours, MINE! Give it 
                         back right now, or there's gonna be 
                         HELL to pay!
 
                                     STAN
                         Alright, alright, here. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Thank you. And you'd better hope to 
                         God it still works, just like it did 
                         before.
 
               [Hell's Pass Hospital, some hours later. Dr. Doctor is in his 
               office.]
 
                                     NURSE
                          Doctor, Eric Cartman is here- 

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         Why, hello there, Eric. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         You see that?! That's MINE! My asshole 
                         friend Stan took my kidney, and I need 
                         it put back in!  Please.
 
                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         Oh, I see.  Are you sure that now that 
                         it's already out, you don't wanna just 
                         let your friend Kyle have it?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No. Because. It doesn't belong to Kyle, 
                         it belongs to me! It's MINE!
 
                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         Well, alright then. We'll get you prepped 
                         for surgery.  If you'll just sign this 
                         release. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Thank you. 

               [Hell's Pass Hospital, still later. Cartman and Kyle are in the 
               recovery room surrounded by their parents. Stan and his parents 
               are there, too. Balloons, a smiley-face and two banners, "I HOPE 
               YOU GET BETTER!" and "GET WELL SOON", decorate Kyle's side of 
               the room]
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         How are you feeling, bubbe?

                                     KYLE
                         Better, I think.

                                     STAN
                         You look a lot better.

                                     SHARON
                         Yeah, it looks like Western medicine 
                         really did the trick.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey, thanks for going through all that 
                         to save my life, Stan.
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, you're my best friend. I don't 
                         want you to die until I do.
 
                                     CHIEF RUNNING PINTO
                         Yeah.  Hey, man, we're glad you're getting 
                         better, too.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Heh. Hey, what what's going on?

                                     STAN
                         Kyle's all better, Cartman, thanks to 
                         you!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Huh?

                                     STAN
                         It was all a trick. Your mom undid the 
                         kidney blocker, and then we put catchup 
                         on your bed so you'd think we took your 
                         kidney.
 
                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         Yes, but it was all a trick to get you 
                         to come in and sign this release.
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                         Isn't that funny, sweetie?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Aarrrrrr! I am SO PISSED OFF!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Oh, here's everybody. 

                                     STAN
                         Hey, Mr. Garrison. Where have you been?
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Boys, I have an announcement to make: 
                         I'm not gonna be your teacher anymore. 
                         I've become a best-selling author! And 
                         Kyle, I want you to have a signed copy 
                         as a get-well present. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh. ...Thanks?

                                     CARTMAN
                          I swear I'm gonna kill you guys!!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Careful, Cartman, you might pop your 
                         stitches. 
 
                                     KYLE
                          Huh?  What the?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh good, you got the crappy kidney.
 
                         
               THE END

Cherokee Hair Tampons



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


User Comments







Index    |    Submit    |    Links    |    Link to us    |    RSS Feeds    |    Disclaimer    |    Privacy policy