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ALL SCRIPTS


 

                                       "SOUTH PARK"

                                       Episode 210

                                      "CHICKEN POX"

                                        Written by

                         Trey Parker, Matt Stone & Trisha Nixon



               [Hell's Pass Hospital. Sharon and the doctor stand before Shelley's 
               bed.]
 
                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         It's a good thing we got her to the 
                         hospital in time.
 
                                     SHARON
                         But what's wrong with her?

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         It's chicken pox. There seems to be 
                         a small epidemic going around. Your 
                         daughter never had the chicken pox as 
                         a little child, I take it?
 
                                     SHARON
                         No, uh-no, she's been perfectly healthy.
 
                         
                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         Well, that's the problem. You see, chicken 
                         pox is a pretty normal thing for young 
                         children. But as you get older it becomes 
                         more and more a- ferocious disease. 
                         
 
                                     SHARON
                          Shelley, look who's come to visit you; 
                         your little brother, Stan.
 
                                     SHELLEY
                          Oh, whoo-peee!

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         You know, most people don't realize 
                         that chicken pox is actually a form 
                         of herpes.
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, you've got herpes on your face!
 
                         
                                     SHELLEY
                         Shut up, brat!

                                     SHARON
                          Will my daughter be okay?

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         She'll be fine.

                                     SHELLEY
                          Stop it!

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         We just want to be cautious and monitor 
                         her here.
 
                                     STAN
                          OOOWWW! 

                                     SHARON
                         Come on, Stanley. Give your sister a 
                         kiss and then we have to go.
 
               [The Broflovski house. Sharon, Sheila, and Liane are seated at 
               the dining room table. Ike is playing in his high chair]
 
                                     SHARON
                         …and then the doctor said that it's 
                         much worse as you get older. My daughter 
                         is in pretty bad shape now, but if she 
                         were in her twenties, she could die.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         My God, I never knew chicken pox was 
                         such a dangerous illness.
 
                                     LIANE
                         I guess it's much better to get it when 
                         you're young.
 
                                     SHARON
                         So tell me if I'm crazy, but I started 
                         thinking that we should intentionally 
                         have our boys play with a child who 
                         has the chicken pox. Let them get it 
                         now, while they're young.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         That's not crazy at all, Sharon. Mothers 
                         do it all the time.
 
                                     LIANE
                         Oh, yes. When I was a child, my mother 
                         had me go over to a little girl's house 
                         who had the chicken pox, just so I would 
                         get it.
 
                                     SHARON
                         So it's not such a crazy idea after 
                         all?
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Noo, no. And I'm pretty sure that strange 
                         little boy Kenny has the chicken pox 
                         right now. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Are you guys having a meeting or something?
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         How would you boys like to have a little 
                         slumber party at your friend Kenny's 
                         house tonight?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No way, dude. Kenny's family's poor; 
                         they live in the ghetto.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. Let's just have a slumber party 
                         here.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Boys, you're going to sleep over at 
                         Kenny's, and that's final!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh weak!

               [The boys have gone home to gather their things. Now they meet 
               up and walk to Kenny's house]
 
                                     KYLE
                         I wonder why our moms want us to sleep 
                         over at Kenny's so bad.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, it's pretty weird. 

                                     KYLE
                         Well, all I can say is, he's better 
                         have Nintendo!  Well, here's Kenny's 
                         house.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         In the ghetto

               
               On a cold and gray Chicago morn another little baby child is 
               born
 
               In the ghetto In the ghetto

                                     MR. MCCORMICK
                          Yeah?

                                     STAN
                         We're here to have a slumber party with 
                         Kenny.
 
                                     MR. MCCORMICK
                          What? Don't you know Kenny's sick with-?
 
                         
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                          That's the whole point, remember?? 
                         Their moms want them to catch it while 
                         they're young.
 
                                     MR. MCCORMICK
                         Oh yeah.

                                     STAN
                         Catch what?

                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Nothin'. Uhco-uh, come on in, I was 
                         jus' makin' dinner. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         And his momma cried

               
               'Cause if there's one thing that she don't need is another little 
               hungry mouth to feed
 
               In the ghetto In the ghetto

                                     STAN
                          Sshh! Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                         What?

                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                          Kenny, your little friends are here! 
                         Come play with them!
 
                                     KENNY
                         (No, Mom, I'm seriously sick!)

                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         I know you're sick! Now get your buns 
                         out here!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Heheheh, bun.

                                     KENNY
                          (Hey you guys, what's goin' on?)

                                     STAN
                         Whoa, dude! You've got herpes on your 
                         face, too!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Where is the- Nintendo?

                                     MR. MCCORMICK
                         We don't have a Nintendo. We got a ColecoVision 
                         hooked up to the black-and-white TV. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh my God. This is like a third-world 
                         country.
 
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                          Throw your sleeping bags in Kenny's 
                         room and then come grab some dinner.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, good. I'm starving.

               [The boys are seated, as are Kenny's parents. Kenny's older brother 
               comes to table. All there is to eat is a plate of 5 or 6 frozen 
               waffles and a toaster to toast them in. The boys can only wonder]
 
               
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Let's say grace. 

                                     MR. MCCORMICK
                         Lord, we thank you for this staggering 
                         payload of frozen waffles you have bestowed 
                         upon us. Andn since we have been faithful 
                         to you, we know that you will send us 
                         some good fortune one of these days, 
                         even though you sure as hell seem to 
                         be taking your sweet time. Amen.
 
                                     ALL
                         Amen.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Pfff

                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Okay, let's dig in. 

                                     KENNY'S BROTHER
                         That one's mine, that one's mine!

                                     CARTMAN
                          What kind of side dishes will we be 
                         enjoying this evening with our frozen 
                         waffles?  Am I to understand there will 
                         be no side dishes?
 
                                     MR. MCCORMICK
                         So, Kyle, your dad's still bringing 
                         home those big, fat, lawyer paychecks?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         I don't know.

                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Stuart, don't even get started! 

                                     STUART
                          What? I'm just askin' a question.  
                         You know, your dad and I used to be 
                         best friends when we were teenagers. 
                         We would work together at Pizza Shack. 
                         But he got promoted and went off to 
                         community college and I didn't. And 
                         you know why? 'Cause your dad's Jewish!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Puh. I heard that!

                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         That aint why, Stuart!  It's because 
                         you are an alcoholic retard and he had 
                         dreams of not eating frozen waffles 
                         for dinner every night! 
 
                                     STUART
                         Hey, is it my fault you don't know how 
                         to cook?!
 
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         What am I supposed to do with frozen 
                         waffles, clamhead?! You put 'em in the 
                         toaster and you cook 'em!
 
                                     STUART
                         You just don't know how to used spices 
                         and stuff.
 
                                     KENNY'S BROTHER
                          My waffle's d-hun, my waffle's d-hu-hun!
 
                         
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Now Kevin, we ain't got enough for everybody. 
                         You have to split that with your brother.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, Jesus. Are you fucking kidding me?
 
                         
                                     STUART
                         Ey! We don't say 'fuck' at the table, 
                         you little asshole!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Heh, we apparently don't say 'side 
                         dishes' at the table, either.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Aa-choo!)

                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Kenny, honey, if you're going to sneeze, 
                         sneeze on them.
 
                                     STAN
                         Huh?

                                     KENNY
                          (Waa-choo!)

                                     CARTMAN
                          Ey! 

               [Kenny's room. The boys enter it. Kenny has two posters of bikini-clad 
               women and one of a 4X4 monster truck. His curtains are tatters 
               and his dresser drawer is a battered suitcase. His bed has no 
               frame to rest on]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Man, your family sucks ass, Kenny. Whoever 
                         heard of frozen waffles for dinner?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Come on! Let's just get in our sleeping 
                         bags and get this night over with!
 
                         
               [The boys go to their respective sleeping bags while Kenny goes 
               to his bed. The boys roll down their bags and this is what the 
               bags say]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Cartman! What the hell is that?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         It's my Urkel sleeping bag. Isn't it 
                         coool??
 
                                     KYLE
                         No, it's not cool!

                                     STAN
                         Dude, I think I just saw a rat!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Agh! You have rats in your house, too, 
                         Kenny?!
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Uh-huh.)

                                     CARTMAN
                         Dude, seriously, you'd better stop being 
                         so poor, or else I'm gonna start huckin' 
                         rocks atcha.
 
                                     STAN
                         I don't think it's very healthy to sleep 
                         with rats.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Well, there's gonna be a bunch of rats 
                         until they put the freakin' ceiling 
                         in.)
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh. 

                                     KENNY
                         (Aa-choo!)

                                     [THE NEXT DAY. THE BOYS HAVE GONE BACK HOME. FIRST UP
                         Stan's house. Stan has a thermometer 
                         in his mouth and the first pox on his 
                         face]
 
                                     SHARON
                         Okay, lemme see.  Oh, goody! You've 
                         got a fever!
 
                                     STAN
                          Goody?? What do you mean, 'goody'?!
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         Yyup, it looks like you've got chicken 
                         pox alright.
 
                                     STAN
                         Chicken po-? Oh no, I must have caught 
                         it from Kenny last night.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Oh, gee, I guess you did.

                                     STAN
                         Well, you sure seem happy about it!
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         All right, it's off to bed with you, 
                         young man.
 
               [Cartman's house. Cartmn is on the sofa picking at his pox]
 
               
                                     LIANE
                         Don't scratch it, hon.

                                     CARTMAN
                          But mom, seriously, it itches. I can't 
                         stand it!
 
                                     LIANE
                         No, hon.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Mom, seriously, it itches. It itches.
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                         Here, I got you some calamine lotion. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't wanna.

                                     LIANE
                         It'll make your itches go away. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ugh. Uunnh.  Ey, give me that!  Aaaaaah!
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                         Not too much, hon. It says on the bottle 
                         that too much can be bad.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         More calamine lotion!

               [Kyle's house. His parents look him over]

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         I don't understand it. He's perfectly 
                         healthy.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. I feel great!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Are you sure you stayed over at Kenny's 
                         house?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, dude. I told you, we had bread 
                         sandwiches for breakfast.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Did you sleep in the same room?

                                     KYLE
                         Yes. Why?

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Bubbe, how would you like to spend the 
                         night at your friend Kenny's house again?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Nno way, dude! It sucked ass! They don't 
                         even have cable!
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Well I think you need to spend more 
                         time with your friends.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Kenny's not really my friend, Ma. I 
                         don't give a rats ass about him.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         I'm gonna give Mrs. McCormick a call.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Aawwww! Hey Dad. Is it true that you 
                         and Kenny's dad used to be best friends 
                         when you were young?
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Who? Stuart? Yeah, yeah, I guess we 
                         were.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well how come Kenny's family eats frozen 
                         waffles for dinner and has rats on the 
                         floor, and we have a big house and lots 
                         of food?
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Well, because Kenny's family doesn't 
                         have as much money as we do.
 
                                     KYLE
                         But why? If they're hungry and poor, 
                         why don't we just always give them half 
                         of our food?
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Ha ha ha ha ha! Ooh-ho boy, have you 
                         got a lot to learn! Sit down, son.  
                         You see, Kyle, we humans work as a society, 
                         and in order for a society to thrive, 
                         we need gods, and clods.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Gods and clods?

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Yes. You see, I spent a lot of time 
                         going to law school, and I was able 
                         to go because I have a slightly higher 
                         intellect than others. But I still need 
                         people to pump my gas, and make my French 
                         fries, and fix my laundry machine when 
                         it breaks down.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oooohh, I see. Gods and clods!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         That's right. So Kenny's family is happy 
                         just the way they are, and we're all 
                         a functioning part of America.
 
               [Stan's house, night time. Stan is in bed, motionless]

                                     SHARON
                          Stanley, can I get you anything else? 
                          Stanley? Ohmigod! Randy?! Randy, hurry, 
                         he's burning up!
 
               [Next day, Hell's Pass Hospital. Stan now lies next to Shelley. 
               Their parents are also present]
 
                                     SHARON
                         Don't you worry, Stanley. You're going 
                         to be okay.
 
                                     DR. DOCTOR
                          Can I talk to you outside?

                                     SHARON
                         Kids, Daddy and I are gonna be right 
                         back, okay?
 
                                     STAN
                         Okay.

                                     SHELLEY
                          Serves you right, you little brat!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Well at least I'm not gonna die from 
                         it like you might! Hahahahah!
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         If I die from this, I'm taking you with 
                         me.
 
                                     TV VOICE
                          Will Carol find out she's a fa-?

                                     STAN
                         I don't wanna watch this! I wanna watch 
                         Terrance and Phillip!
 
                                     SHELLEY
                          We're watching this.

                                     STAN
                         Well I've got the remote, bitch! Hahaha. 
                         
 
                                     PHILLIP
                         Say, Terrance? Will you check my ass 
                         for abnormalities? 
 
                                     TERRANCE
                         Sure thing, Phillip.  Ah ha ha ha, you 
                         got me again! 
 
                                     PHILLIP
                         That's tomfoolery. 

                                     SHELLEY
                         Give me the remote!

                                     STAN
                         No way, dude! We're gonna watch Terrance 
                         and Phillip aall day-  Ey! Get me out 
                         of here! 
 
                                     TV VOICE
                          She was-

               [outside the room]

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         He'll be okay. But it's a good idea 
                         for us to monitor him for a while.
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                          Oh God, what have we done?

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         There there now, it's not your fault.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Doctor, we-uuuh purposefully-ee sent 
                         our son to stay with a friend who had 
                         chickien pox so that he would get it 
                         early.
 
                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         Oh, wow. You did? Wow… You guys suck.
 
                         
               [Kenny's house. Kyle and his mom are visiting. She's talking 
               with Mrs. McCormick in the dining room. Kenny and Kyle enter]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         Could we go home now, Ma?

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         No, bubbeleh. You play with Kenny some 
                         more.
 
                                     KYLE
                         But we've been playing for eight hours. 
                         We can't think of anything else to do.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         I've got a grrreat game for you. It's 
                         called "ooky mouth".
 
                                     KYLE
                         What's "ooky mouth"?

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         First, you let Kenny spit in your mouth. 
                         Then you try to swallow his spit and 
                         say "ooky mouth" at the same time.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Sick, dude!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         No, no, bubbe, it's loads of fun. Try 
                         it.  That ought to take care of it.
 
                         
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         You want some more hot water?

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh, no thank you. It's terrific though, 
                         it's-. You don't have any tea bags or 
                         coffee grounds to go in the hot water, 
                         do you?
 
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Naw, we don't go for that hoidy-toidy 
                         rich folk stuff.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         I see. Hwell, you certainly have aab- 
                         humble home, Mrs. McCormick.
 
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Yehah, well, unfortonately my husband 
                         is a washed-up hunk of shit!
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh, I'm- sorry to hear that.

                                     KYLE
                         Ooky mouth!  Gross! I can't do it, Ma!
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Try again, bubbe!

                                     KYLE
                          Aaah!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         You know, your husband and mine used 
                         to work together as teenagers.
 
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Oh they wuz best frayends; you couldn't 
                         separate 'em.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Really. I met Gerald in college, so 
                         I didn't know-uh. What happened to them?
 
                         
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Oh they jus' grew apart, I guess. I 
                         think Stuart's a little jealous that 
                         your husband got out of makin' pizzas 
                         and went on to make somethin' of hisself.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Well that's too bad. I'm sure your husband's 
                         a fine man.
 
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Oh, hell no! He's a nugget o' deer turd!
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         But if they were such good friends it 
                         seems silly that they don't even talk 
                         anymore. Let's get them together!
 
                         
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Uh-I don't know.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         We'll just arrange a little fishing 
                         trip for them or something.
 
                                     KYLE
                          I can't say "ooky mouth" and have Kenny 
                         spit down my throat at the same time! 
                         It's impossible! 
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Prrractice makes perfect, bubbe.

               [Cartman's house. Cartmna's on the sofa watching TV]

                                     CARTMAN
                          Hey Ma, where's that calamine lotion?!
 
                         
                                     TERRANCE
                          Phillip, I've got good news, and bad 
                         news.
 
                                     PHILLIP
                         Give it to me straight, Terrance.

                                     TERRANCE
                         The good news is, you have a clean bill 
                         of health.
 
                                     PHILLIP
                         Oh, what a relief!

                                     TERRANCE
                         The bad news is, you have cancer. 
 
                         
                                     PHILLIP
                         Cancer??

                                     TERRANCE
                         Yes. I'm afraid your ass is collapsing.
 
                         
                                     PHILLIP
                         My ass is collapsing?

                                     TERRANCE
                         Yes. See this X-ray?  That's your ass. 
                         See this line?  That's your ass collapsing. 
                         Your ass is collapsing.
 
                                     PHILLIP
                         Will this mean that I won't be able 
                         to fart anymore?
 
                                     TERRANCE
                         No, it means that you won't be able 
                         to live anymore. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh, no.  Damnit!  No, Kitty! That's 
                         a b-wait a minute. Come 'ere, Kitty! 
                          Uh. Yes. Uh.
 
                                     LIANE
                          I'm back, hon. I got some more calamine 
                         lotion. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          It's about friggin' time! Give me that! 
                         
 
                                     LIANE
                         Just use a little bit of that stuff, 
                         hom. It has to last a while.
 
               [Cartman reaches the bathroom and closes the door. Then he opens 
               the bag and pulls out six bottles of the lotion and pours them 
               into the tub. Then he undresses and jumps into the tub himself]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Uugh!  Yeessss!  Ooohhh yyess, seriiously, 
                         it calms yer ass. Yeessss! 
 
               [Gone fishin'. Stuart drives Gerald to a fishing site]

                                     STUART
                         I didn't know you like to fish, Gerry.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Oh, yeah, love it! I haven't done it 
                         for a while, though. I had to go out 
                         and buy a few things, you know a-. A 
                         rod and a reel and a uh. Uuh.
 
                                     STUART
                         Tackle box?

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Yeah, tackle box.  Man, smell that mountain 
                         air. What a great Saturday morning-aren't 
                         weekends just the best?
 
                                     STUART
                         When you're uh-unemployed, weekends 
                         are meaningless.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Right. Right-right.

               [Monday afternoon, South Park Elementary. The dismissal bell 
               rings]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         And so, children, that's how you tell 
                         a prostitute from a policeman. Now, 
                         are there any questions?  Yes, Kyle.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         What the hell does that have to do with 
                         American history?
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Uhthat's a good question, Kyle. Are 
                         there any other questions?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Mr. Garrison, I'm the only one here. 
                         Everyone else has chicken herpes.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Right, right. Uub. Well, class, I'm 
                         going to assign you all a paper. The 
                         theme of the paper will be, "How I would 
                         make America better."
 
                                     KYLE
                         What?! Does everybody have to do it, 
                         or just me?!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Uhdon't worry, Kyle. I'm sending homework 
                         to all the children who are out sick. 
                         They'll have to turn in a paper, too.
 
                         
               [Hell's Pass Hospital]

                                     STAN
                         Homework?! But I'm in the hospital!
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         Well, your teacher sent this stuff over 
                         for you to do while you're sick.
 
                                     STAN
                         That son of a bitch! What kind of sick 
                         weirdo is he?
 
                                     SHARON
                         Now, Stanley, I know at your age teachers 
                         can seem cold and heartless, but later, 
                         you'll understand that he did this for 
                         your own good.
 
                                     STAN
                         Not Mr. Garrison, Ma. He really is a 
                         sick weirdo.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Yeah, it's it's true, he is.

                                     SHARON
                         Oh. Well, anyway, here's a pencil and 
                         some paper.
 
                                     STAN
                         Wait! Where are you going?!

                                     RANDY
                         We're going down to-uuh Happy Burger 
                         for some milkshakes.
 
                                     STAN
                         Milkshakes?!

                                     SHARON
                         Yeah, and then we're going to the movies.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         See ya, son. 

                                     STAN
                         Weak!

               [Kyle's house. Kyle is on the sofa working on his paper]

                                     KYLE
                         So this is how America works. We have 
                         gods and clods. My dad says America 
                         needs both rich and poor to survive, 
                         but I have a better idea.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          No I don't understand it, Dr. Schwartz. 
                         He's perfectly healthy.  He's been over 
                         at Kenny's house three days in a row 
                         and still hasn't caught the chicken 
                         pox.
 
                                     KYLE
                          What?

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         I don't know what else to do. We sent 
                         the other boys over and they all got 
                         sick, but I can't get my little Kyle 
                         to catch it.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Oh my God!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          Kyle, oowhat are you doing there, honey?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          You!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          I'll call you back, Dr. Schwartz. 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         You!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          What, bubbeleh, what is it?

                                     KYLE
                         You sent us over to Kenny's house on 
                         purpose! You wanted us to get sick!
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oygh. It was for your own good, Kyle. 
                         I wanted you to get chicken pox while 
                         you were young.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Why?! So I could be sitting in the hospital 
                         waiting to die, like Stan?!
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Now, Kyle, come here.

                                     KYLE
                         You get away from me, you crazy woman! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Hoh boy.

               [Down by the riverside. Stuart and Gerald are fishing]

                                     STUART
                         Beer?

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Huh? Oh, uhno thanks. I brought my own: 
                         Microbrew Sampler from Aspen. Has six 
                         different beers from local breweries. 
                          Sahay, remember that time we built 
                         the fort in your mom's back yard?
 
                         
                                     STUART
                         Hu hu hu hu heh yeah. It took us damn 
                         near two years to finish it, hu.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Hahah. Whatever happened to that old 
                         hunk o' junk, ha ha.
 
                                     STUART
                          That's where I live now.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Oh. right.

               [Hell's Pass Hospital. Stan is working on his paper]

                                     STAN
                         And so that's why Knight Rider was the 
                         best show in America.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Stan! Stan!

                                     STAN
                          Sshh. Wake her up and we're both dead.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          Sorry, sorry. You know how after we 
                         spent the night at Kenny's house andand 
                         you and Cartman got sick with chicken 
                         pox?
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah.

                                     KYLE
                         Dude! Our parents sent us over there 
                         to get us sick!
 
                                     STAN
                         What are you talking about?

                                     KYLE
                         They knew that staying at Kenny's house 
                         would get us sick, and they made us 
                         do it anyway.
 
                                     STAN
                         They did??

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. And I think I figured out why.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Why?

                                     KYLE
                         Because they're a bunch of assholes.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Of course!

                                     KYLE
                         Come on, dude. We've gotta get out of 
                         here. I don't know what they're planning 
                         next, but it can't be good! 
 
               [Cartman's house. Cartman is back in the tub, now working on 
               his paper. Calamine lotion bottles line the tub and litter the 
               floor outside]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         
               I hope that one day America could be more like Endor, where the 
               Ewoks live. Endor is very cool.
 
               [the doorbell rings] Mom, answer that!

               They have trees and Ewoks, and barbecues, which is why I like 
               Endor more than America.
 
               Oh… kaayy. [Kyle and Stan rush into the bathroom]

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman, do you remember how we all 
                         spent the night at Kenny's a couple 
                         of days ago?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I rmember frozen waffles, but no side 
                         dishes.
 
                                     STAN
                         Cartman, our parents sent us over there 
                         to catch chicken pox from Kenny!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, dude. Your mom wanted you to have 
                         herpes on your face.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         She what?!

                                     STAN
                         It's some kind of parental consipracy. 
                         Our parents are trying to kill us or 
                         something.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         That bitch! I'm gonna go downstairs 
                         and kick her square in the nuts
 
                                     KYLE
                         Nononono. Come on, fatass, we're gonna 
                         get 'em all back.
 
               [Down by the riverside]

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Well I'm sure you'll find another job 
                         soon. Something'll come along.
 
                                     STUART
                         Not that easy. You were lucky.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Now, now-I, I wasn't lucky.

                                     STUART
                         You had rich parents. You got to go 
                         to that expensive community college.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Hey! I worked my ass off to get to where 
                         I am today!  I wanted to be somebody!
 
                         
                                     STUART
                          I wanted to be somebody, too! I just 
                         wasn't born with a silver enema up my 
                         ass!
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         You're just jealous. You're a bitter 
                         old drunk, just like your father!  Ow. 
                         
 
                                     STUART
                         Now don't make me do that again! 

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Ow! You son of a bitch! 

                                     STUART
                         Uh.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Ow!

                                     STUART
                         Oh!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Ow! 

                                     STUART
                         Eeaaaahh! 

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          Huuuh!

               [Hell's Pass Hospital. Stan's parents are visiting]

                                     RANDY
                         Doctor?

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         Yes.

                                     RANDY
                         Wuhwhere's Stan?

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         Stan?

                                     RANDY
                         Stan, our son?

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         Oh, yes. Where is Stan?

                                     SHARON
                         You mean Stanley's missing?

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         No, no. He's not missing. We just… can't 
                         seem to find him at this moment.
 
                                     SHARON
                          Oh my God! Our son ran away!

                                     RANDY
                         Will he be okay, out of the hospital?
 
                         
                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         Oh sure, sure. But we have to get him 
                         back soon. If he doesn't get his antibiotic 
                         shot today, he could die.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Die??

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         Yes, die. It won't be any easy death, 
                         either. The chicken pox will slowly 
                         move down his trachea into his lungs.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Okay, well well, let's go look!

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         As he chokes for breath the pox will 
                         move through his inner ear into his 
                         brain, making him think his David Duchovny.
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         Oh God, no!

                                     RANDY
                         I'ma I'm sure he couldn't have gone 
                         far.
 
                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         Now moving on all fours and wheezing 
                         uncontrollably, his cellular structure 
                         will regress into a gelatinous mass 
                         of-
 
               [Kyle's house. Sheila looks after Ike, who plays with a toy truck. 
               Gerald enters]
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         So how was it? Did you boys have a good 
                         time fishing?
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          That son of a bitch ripped my parka! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Catch anything?

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         I just don't get it.  Why would he invite 
                         me fishing and then turn into a complete 
                         bastard?
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Well, darling, I have to tell you something. 
                         He didn't invite you. I set the whole 
                         thing up.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         What? Now why the hell would you knowingly 
                         deceive me like that?
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         I thought it would be good for you!
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Just like you deceived our son into 
                         going to Kenny's? And that didn't work, 
                         either!
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          I'm doing the best I can!

               [Gerald picks up the paper on the sofa and looks over it]

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         

               My Final Solution

               By Kyle Broflovski

               My dad is the smartest guy in the whole wide world. He has taught 
               me that all poor people are actually things called clods. I wanna 
               live in a world of only gods, so my idea to make Ameica better 
               is put all the poor people into camps.
 
               What?!

               If we get rid of them, there will be nothing but rich people. 
               And there won't be any hunger, poverty, or homeless people. 'Cause 
               they'll all be dead. The end.
 
               Oh, God. What have I done?

               [Chef's house. He's watching Terrance and Phillip]

                                     PHILLIP
                          What's happening here, Terrance?

                                     TERRANCE
                         We're doing an anal transplant. It's 
                         our only hope.
 
                                     PHILLIP
                         Who's the donor?

                                     TERRANCE
                         I am, Phillip. I am.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Terrance! You're giving up your ass 
                         for me?
 
                                     TERRANCE
                         Just half my ass. Can you believe it, 
                         Phillip? Best friends, and now we're 
                         going to share the same ass.
 
                                     CHEF
                          Oh, damn it. Not now!  Damn it! Children, 
                         what are you doing here? Terrance and 
                         Phillip are about to go into surgery!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Chef. We wanna know about herpes.

                                     CHEF
                         What makes you think I would know anything 
                         about that?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well I don't know. You're just the only 
                         grownup we trust.
 
                                     STAN
                         How does someone get herpes?

                                     CHEF
                         Well you get it by sharin' relations 
                         with somebody who already has it. You 
                         have to be veerryy careful arond someone 
                         who has herpes.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Do you know anybody with herpes?

                                     CHEF
                         Well, there's old Frida down on Main 
                         Street. She has a mouthful of herpes. 
                         You need to stay away from her.
 
                                     STAN
                         But what if we want to give somebody 
                         herpes?
 
                                     CHEF
                         Oh, then, Frida's the right person to 
                         go to.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Cool! Thanks, Chef!

                                     CHEF
                         O-kay!  Wait a minute. What the hell 
                         did I just do?
 
               [Main Street. Randy and Sharon drive around looking for Stan.]
 
               
                                     SHARON
                         Stanley?

                                     RANDY
                         Stan?

                                     SHARON
                          Oh, Stanley, where are youuu?

                                     RANDY
                         Stan?

                                     SHARON
                         Stanley?! 

                                     KYLE
                         Are you old Frida?

                                     FRIDA
                          Who wants to know?

                                     KYLE
                         Someone who wants a favor.

                                     FRIDA
                         Ten dollars a lay, five dollars a b-nut. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                          Huh?

                                     CARTMAN
                         We want you to give our parents herpes.
 
                         
                                     FRIDA
                          Five dollars.

                                     STAN
                         My dad has five dollars on top of his 
                         dresser. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Damn, you sound pretty sick. Maybe you 
                         should go back to the hospital.
 
                                     STAN
                         And have Shelley kick my ass? No thanks. 
                         Plus, I have to get my parents back 
                         just as much as you do!
 
                       The boys hire Frida and take her to each 
                       of their houses where she uses Stan's parents' 
                       toothbrushes and drinks milk from the carton.

                       Kyle's house. She goes into the master 
                       bedroom and uses Sheila's lipsticks. 
                       Then she goes to the kitchen and soils 
                       the silverware by putting each and every 
                       utensil under her armpits. Stan and 
                       Kyle jump for joy and high-five each 
                       other.

                       Last stop: Cartman's house. She 
                       goes into Liane's room and pulls out 
                       some panties, then rubs them all over 
                       her face. Cartman jumps for joy. They 
                       all return to Stan's house, and she 
                       licks away at some wine glasses and 
                       the phone receiver. Stan and Kyle high-five 
                       each other again. Finally, they pay 
                       her and she leaves. ]
 
                                     STAN
                         Thanks a lot, Frida!

                                     FRIDA
                          Don't mention it. 

                                     KYLE
                         D-hude, this is gonna be so killer. 
                         They're all gonna get herpes!
 
                                     THE BOYS
                         Hooray! 

                                     RANDY
                         Stanley, where the hell have you been?
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         Damn it, Stanley, you had us worried 
                         sick! You have to get back to the hospital 
                         for a shot!
 
                                     STAN
                          Huh-I don't wanna go back there.

                                     RANDY
                          Come on, we're taking you back to the 
                         hospital. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Don't you guys feel like brushing your 
                         teeth first?
 
                                     RANDY
                         What?

                                     STAN
                         You know, freshen up your breath.

                                     KYLE
                         Aw, man.  I don't feel so good.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          Oh good, maybe you finally caught the 
                         chicken-
 
                                     KYLE
                         Ugh. 

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Kyle!!

               [Hell's Pass Hospital. All four boys are now in recovery]

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         Well, I hope you boys learned your lesson. 
                         Going out and playing around with chicken 
                         pox almost killed you all!
 
                                     KYLE
                         We're sorry.

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         Well just be thankful we got you here 
                         in time. Your parents are here to see 
                         you, I'll send them in.
 
                                     KYLE
                         This itches! Give me some of that calamine 
                         lotion, Cartman!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hell no! You guys get your own!

                                     SHARON
                          Stanley, how are you feeling today, 
                         son?
 
                                     STAN
                         Pretty good.

                                     SHARON
                          The doctor says that maybe you can 
                         go home tomorrow.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Yeah. Isn't that great, Stanley?

                                     STAN
                         Wow, coo-hul!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         And how are you, Kyle?

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Are you doing okay?

                                     KYLE
                         I'm better now. 

                                     SHARON
                         What's so funny, you two?

                                     KYLE
                         We gave you guys herpes.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Whatwhatwhaaat?! You did this?!

                                     STAN
                         We got you back for getting us sick. 
                         We had a prostitute use your toothbrushes 
                         and stuff.
 
                                     RANDY
                         I can't believe you gave us herpes. 
                         You little rascals!
 
                                     SHARON
                          Well, I guess it serves us right.  
                         Kids, we should have honest about wanting 
                         you to get chicken pox.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         It's true. We were wrong for deceiving 
                         you about it. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, how come you don't have sores on 
                         your lips, Ma?
 
                                     LIANE
                         Ooh, I have them somewhere else, boopiekins.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hooray!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Anduh Stuart, I think I owe you an apology. 
                         I realize that I shouldn't be so cold 
                         towards people that are less fortunate 
                         than me.
 
                                     STUART
                         Waww hell, I'm sorry, too. 

                                     TERRANCE
                         Oh, Phillip, I'm so glad everything 
                         turned out for the better. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, I know one thing for sure.

                                     LIANE
                         What's that, Eric?

                                     CARTMAN
                         We're all gonna need a lot more calamine 
                         lotion.
 
               [all the boys start laughing, then the parents join in. The doctor 
               stands by Kenny and doesn't laugh. Kenny laughs, but drops dead. 
               The meter flatlines and a long, steady note is heard. All stop 
               laughing]
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!

                                     KYLE
                         You bastards!

               [Stan laughs, then Kyle, then everyone else, including Kenny's 
               parents. End of Chicken Pox. I'm A Believer plays]
  


Chicken pox



Writers :   Trey Parker  Matt Stone  Trisha Nixon
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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