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                                       "SOUTH PARK"

                                       Episode 203

                                      "Chickenlover"

                                        Written by

                        Trey Parker, Matt Stone and David Goodman

                

                                          ACT I

               EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY

               The Booktastic Bus, a rainbow colored bookmobile, is parked 
               out in front of the school.

                                     GARRISON
                         Okay, children. Each of you gets to 
                         choose two books from the booktastic 
                         bus.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Reading sucks ass.

                                     GARRISON
                         Eric! Shut up!

               The boys are looking at a wide selection of books that adorn 
               the shelves of the bookmobile.

                                     KYLE
                         Boring... Boring... Gay... Boring... 
                         Boring.

               Stan digs at the front of the bookmobile.

                                     STAN
                         Hey you guys, check out these books.

               The other boys join him.

                                     STAN
                              (reading the cover)
                         'Sabrina Unchained'.

               The boys all grab books in the Sabrina series.

                                     KYLE
                         Wow, these books look cool!

               The boys open them. Their eyes grow wide.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Flipping through)
                         Hey, there's a lot of big words in 
                         these books!

                                     KENNY
                         Mrm pr mpm rpm rpmrp!

               Just then the Bookmobile driver, a fruity little guy wearing 
               a rainbow shirt, notices them.

                                     BOOKMOBILE DRIVER
                         Hello kids! I see you're discovering 
                         the magic of reading!

                                     KYLE
                         Who are you?

                                     BOOKMOBILE DRIVER
                         I drive the booktastic bus! Where 
                         magic begins! You see, reading opens 
                         up whole new worlds to you. You can 
                         take a canoe down the Amazon, or go 
                         back in time to Camelot, or become a 
                         race car driver... all by just opening 
                         a book. Just like magic! The magic 
                         of reading!

                                     CARTMAN
                         God, shut up, dude.

                                     BOOKMOBILE DRIVER
                         Go ahead and pick any books you like. 
                         Then give in... Give in to the magic!

               He skips away.

                                     STAN
                         If we read are we gonna become like 
                         that guy?

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, this is stupid. Books aren't 
                         magical.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't know, I'm kind of getting a 
                         tingly feeling looking at these...

               Cartman is looking at Sabrina Unchained.

               The boys hear some commotion from across the street. It's a 
               loud, screaming chicken, followed by some screams.

                                     KENNY
                         Mph mmph?

                                     STAN
                         I don't know. Let's go see.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK STREET - EST.

               INT. BARBRADY'S CAR - DAY

               Barbrady is driving in his car as a COPS film crew shoots 
               him. Everything is shot in COPS style. A TITLE at the bottom 
               reads 'Officer Barbrady South Park P.D.'

                                     BARBRADY
                         Well, being an officer of the peace 
                         means a lot of things. It's a hard 
                         job, but then again, I'm a hard man. 
                         A lot of people think that in a small 
                         town there isn't a lot for the law 
                         to do, well, they're wrong.

               EXT. CUTAWAY OF BARBRADY'S CAR

                                     RADIO
                         All units, all units, report to 254 
                         Avenue De Los Mexicanos.

               INT. BARBRADY'S CAR - MOVING

                                     RADIO
                         ...Possible hostile situation.

               Barbrady throws on his lights and speeds away.

                                     BARBRADY
                         There! You see! This could be a bank 
                         robbery! Or possibly even a MURDER! 
                         This ain't no podunk little town!

                                     RADIO
                         And Barbrady, your wife called she 
                         wants you to get some pizza on the 
                         way home.

                                     BARBRADY
                         God dammit!

               EXT. RANCH - DAY

               Title "Hostile Situation Downtown South Park".

               The boys have already joined an angry crowd that has gathered 
               around a chicken cage.

               Barbrady pulls up in his car, followed by the COPS camera 
               crew.

                                     BARBRADY
                         Okay people, move along! There's 
                         nothing to see here!

               Barbrady gets up to the rancher.

                                     BARBRADY
                         What's the trouble? Where's the body?!

                                     RANCHER
                         Barbrady! I just caught some guy in 
                         here having sex with one of my 
                         chickens!!

               Barbrady looks kind of embarrassed. He glances at the cops 
               crew.

                                     BARBRADY
                         Uh... Oh.

               The Rancher points to the cage. Inside, is a normal looking 
               chicken, eating some feed.

                                     WOMAN
                         My God! That's disgusting!

                                     STAN
                         Whoa dude! How do you have sex with 
                         a chicken!

                                     BARBRADY
                         Boys! You move along, this isn't for 
                         young eyes to see!

               The boys don't move.

                                     BARBRADY
                         Did you get a good look at the 
                         suspect?

                                     RANCHER
                         Naw I didn't see anything! It just 
                         happened so fast.

               The COPS crew roll their eyes.

                                     BARBRADY
                         Well, this is quite interesting, huh 
                         guys?

                                     COPS CAMERAGUY
                         Uhh, we're gonna go grab some lunch 
                         and maybe get some shots of those 
                         turtles down at the pond.

               The Cops crew walks away. Barbrady is bummed.

                                     BARBRADY
                         Aw, camel poo.

                                     KYLE
                         Hey, what's this?

               Kyle picks up a piece of paper off the ground.

                                     STAN
                         It look's like a note.

                                     BARBRADY
                              (grabbing the note)
                         Give me that! That's a clue and you'll 
                         get your stinky DNA all over it!

                                     RANCHER
                         What does it say?

               Over Barbrady's shoulder, we can see that it reads:

                            Another chicken gets it tomorrow!

               Barbrady looks at the note and studies it for a second. He 
               appears to have trouble focusing on it.

                                     BARBRADY
                         Uh... it says... Uh... Sorry I had 
                         sex with a chicken, I won't do it 
                         again. Bye-bye."

               Barbrady folds the note and puts it away.

                                     BARBRADY
                         Well, there you have it. Case closed.

                                     RANCHER
                         Damnit Barbrady, what the hell's 
                         wrong with you? Every time something 
                         happens in this town you say, 'nothing 
                         to see here', and 'case closed'. But 
                         we want justice! We have to find 
                         this sick-o.

                                     BARBRADY
                         I said return to you homes! Before I 
                         start arresting people!

                                     PRIEST
                         For what? ORDERLY conduct!

                                     BARBRADY
                         How about fishing without a license?

                                     RANCHER
                         I'm not fishing!!!

                                     BARRBADY
                         What do you call this then?

               Barbrady pulls out a fishing pole from behind him.

                                     BARBRADY
                         If you do not comply, I'll be forced 
                         to execute each and every one of you 
                         by gunshot to the head!!!

               The crowd disperses, one by one.

                                     BARBRADY
                         That's right, return to your simple 
                         lives, just forget this ever happened. 
                         Forget... FOR-GET...

               Finally everyone but the boys is gone, and Barbrady walks 
               off.

                                     KYLE
                         Wow... Barbrady sure is acting weird.

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, I wonder what's wrong.

               EXT. BARBRADY'S CAR - PARKED - EST.

               Barbrady get's in the front seat and slams the door behind 
               him.

               INT. BARBRADY'S CAR - PARKED

               We see his point of view as he looks at the note found on 
               the ground.

               It is written in Greek.

               Barbrady sighs deeply, then crumples up the note and speeds 
               off.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE

               Barbrady pulls up to a familiar red Stop sign. He looks at 
               it. It has Klingon letters on it.

               EXT. FRAN'S DRIVE-THRU

               Barbrady pulls up to the speaker.

                                     SPEAKER
                         Welcome to Fran's. Can I help you?

               Barbrady looks at the menu. From his POV, the letters seem 
               to be twisting and turning incoherently. They don't make any 
               sense.

                                     SPEAKER
                         Sir, can I help you?

               The letters come to life, they seem to laugh at Barbrady.

                                     BARBRADY
                         Uh... Just give me two cheeseburgers 
                         and some jalapeno poppers.

                                     SPEAKER
                         Sure, there's just one problem.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         What's that?

                                     SPEAKER
                         We're a bank.

               Sure enough, right on top of the speaker is a sign that says 
               in big letters "Fran's National Bank".

                                     BARBRADY
                         I know that, smarty-pants! What, do 
                         you think I'm some kind of idiot?

                                     SPEAKER
                         Yes.

               Barbrady thinks for a moment.

                                     BARBRADY
                         Hmm.

               Finally, he speeds off.

               INT. BARBRADY'S CAR - DRIVING

                                     BARBRADY
                         I can't go on living this lie!

               INT. TELEVISION

               A graphic of scared chickens is beside the anchor's head.

                                     ANCHOR
                         With chicken after chicken being 
                         violated, the South Park police are 
                         under increasing pressure to solve 
                         the case of the chickenfucker. We 
                         now go live to a press conference 
                         where Officer Barbrady and the Mayor 
                         are fielding questions --

               INT. POLICE STATION

               Barbrady stands behind a podium with mics in his face.

                                     REPORTER
                         Officer Barbrady, what would drive a 
                         man to such a disgusting act?

                                     BARBRADY
                         Well, nobody can say for sure. No 
                         motive has yet been established.

                                     REPORTER
                         Do the police have any leads?

                                     BARBRADY
                         Well, both 3-D computer modelling 
                         and intensive seismology have not 
                         given us any leads as of yet.

                                     REPORTER #2
                         But has chickenfucker left any clues 
                         at the crime -- ?

                                     BARBRADY
                         ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I CAN'T READ!!!

               Silence. Barbrady's voice reverberates for a second. Everyone 
               else stands in shock.

                                     BARBRADY
                         There I said it! I can't read! Are 
                         you happy now? You pushed and you 
                         pushed and now you all know my 
                         terrible secret!! I'm illegitimate!! 
                         I'M NOT FIT TO BE A POLICEMAN!! I 
                         RETIRE!!!

               Barbrady storms off Silence. Nobody says anything.

                                     MAN
                         Okay, thank you all for coming. 
                         There's coffee and brownies out front.

               ANGLE - TELEVISION

                                     ANCHOR
                         And so, Officer Barbrady has taken a 
                         leave of absence. And South Park 
                         will have to manage without any police 
                         force for a while --

               A brick suddenly lands on the anchor's desk. He reads off 
               it.

                                     ANCHOR
                         -- This just in! South Park has just 
                         plunged into TOTAL ANARCHY!! Exactly 
                         2 seconds after the retirement of 
                         Officer Barbrady, looting and 
                         pillaging erupted in the quiet 
                         mountain town!

               EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE

               Once again the town is being destroyed. Only this time, it 
               is by the citizens themselves. Buildings are on fire. Women 
               and men booze it up. Cars crash into buildings.

                                     TOWNSPERSON
                         Whoopeee! This is killer!!

                                     TOWNSMAN
                         With no cops around, we can do 
                         whatever we want!

               The boys are watching the South Park riots from across the 
               street.

                                     KYLE
                         Woa, dude, what's going on?

                                     STAN
                         I don't know.

               Some random people overturn a car. It lands on top of Kenny.

                                     STAN
                         OH MY GOD!! THEY'VE KILLED --

               But then, the overturned car door opens, and Kenny walks 
               out, brushing himself off.

                                     STAN
                         Oh, never mind.

               INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE

               The mayor is looking out the window at the chaos.

                                     MAYOR
                         I don't believe it... All this time 
                         Barbrady actually did keep this town 
                         peaceful.

                                     ASSISTANT #2
                         Who knew? I always thought he was a 
                         complete idiot...

                                     MAYOR
                         He is...

               Suddenly, all the reporters break into the Mayor's office.

                                     REPORTER
                         Mayor! What do you plan to do about 
                         the South Park riots?

                                     MAYOR
                              (holding up her hands)
                         No reason for concern. I want to 
                         assure all of you -- that Officer 
                         Barbrady is STILL our active police 
                         force.

                                     REPORTER
                         But he's illiterate. What do you 
                         plan to do?

                                     MAYOR
                         Uh, plan? I don't actually --

               The Mayor's assistant pops in frame and answers for her.

                                     ASSISTANT
                         Reading classes. Plain and simple. 
                         By the Mayor's order, Officer Barbrady 
                         is on a temporary leave of absence 
                         to learn to read. Effective 
                         immediately.

                                     MAYOR
                         Yes, that's right. It's back to school 
                         with Officer Barbrady!

               EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY

               Establishing.

               INT. CLASSROOM

               Garrison stands at the head of the class.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Now children, we have a new student 
                         joining us today. Please say hi to 
                         Officer Barbrady.

               Barbrady is sitting in the middle of the kids, sticking out 
               like a sore thumb.

                                     STAN
                              (Behind Barbrady)
                         I can't see, dude!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay, now since our focus has been 
                         on reading, let's review some of the 
                         basics.

               Barbrady raises his hand.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Yes, what is it?

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         I need to go poopies.

               Garrison thinks.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Officer Barbrady, in school we go to 
                         the bathroom before and after class.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Oh, Christ. How do you kids do it?!

                                     GARRISON
                         Now, does anyone have any suggestions 
                         where we should begin with Officer 
                         Barbrady?

                                     KYLE
                         How about a brain transplant?

                                     GARRISON
                         Now Kyle, let's be supportive of our 
                         new student give him the nurturing 
                         environment he needs to thrive. Now, 
                         I'm going to write a sentence, and I 
                         want us all to help Officer Barbrady 
                         read it.

               Garrison writes a sentence on the blackboard; 'Oprah Winfrey 
               has huge knockers.'

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Give it a shot, Officer Barbrady.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Uh... O... O...

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         BZZZT!!! WRONG!! Try again, dumbass!!

               Garrison slaps his knee and laughs.

                                     GARRISON
                              (drying his eyes)
                         Okay, okay... Maybe we should try 
                         something a little easier. We can 
                         work our way up to the hard ones --

               He writes 'The hat is red.' on the board.

                                     GARRISON
                         Go ahead, Barbrady. Don't be scared.

                                     BARBRADY
                         Uh....... O.....

                                     GARRISON
                         BZZZZZ!!!!! DER!! DID YOU HEAR THAT 
                         MR. HAT?!!!

                                     MR. HAT
                         I SURE DID MR. GARRISON!!! WHAT A 
                         RETARD!!!

               Garrison laughs so hard he falls on the floor. He just laughs 
               and laughs and laughs.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Did you kids actually learn how to 
                         read this way?

                                     STAN
                         No, we just fake it to shut him up.

               Garrison is up at the front, still laughing and tearing up.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay, okay, I'm sorry... I'm 
                         sorry..Let's try again...

               EXT. SOUTH PARK - FARM

               Three chickens are in their coop, bawking quietly.

               Then, a human shadow falls over the chickens as the door the 
               coop opens. The chickens look over and rustle their feathers.

                                     VOICE (O.S.)
                         Say... What are nice chickens like 
                         you doing in a coop like this?

                                          ACT II

               EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY

               Establishing.

               INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

               The kids and Barbrady sit in their desks.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Now children, I hope you all had a 
                         good time reading your books, and 
                         are prepared for your book reports.

               Cartman looks around nervously.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Who should we have go first, Mr. 
                         Hat? Let's see...

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Throwing his voice)
                         Oh, how about Stan? Or Kyle?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Eric, why don't you go first.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ooh...

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         What's the matter, Eric? Are you not 
                         prepared again?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm prepared!

               Cartman storms to the front.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Hands behind back)
                         For my book report, I read 'The Lion 
                         The Witch and the Wardrobe'. It was 
                         very very good. Have you read it Mr. 
                         Garrison?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         No, I can't say that I have.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Lighting up)
                         Oh, good!
                              (Happily)
                         In 'The Lion, The Witch and the 
                         Wardrobe', a bunch of, uh, hippies 
                         walk around and paint stuff. They 
                         eat lunch, and then they find a 
                         magical... camel, which they have to 
                         eat to stay alive. And that's pretty 
                         much it, I give it a B minus.

               Cartman smiles broadly.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         And I give you an F, Eric. Now sit 
                         down.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Aw, DAMMIT!

               The kids all laugh merrily.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay, Officer Barbrady, why don't 
                         you give us your book report?

               Barbrady walks up to the front.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         I have just finished reading the 
                         heart warming novel 'Go Dog Go'. I 
                         found it a compelling and disturbing 
                         look at the canine psyche'. If I may 
                         read a passage:

               Barbrady pulls out the book.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                              (Reading)
                         Big dog..... Little dog..... A red 
                         dog..... On a.....

               The kids blink.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Well, anyway, I don't want to give 
                         away the ending, but I will say that 
                         it spirals toward an incredible twist 
                         turn that parallels my own life.

               Barbrady heads back to his desk.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Thank you, Officer Barbrady, that 
                         was a very good book report, indeed. 
                         I'll give you an A.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Hooray!!

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Quietly, to Barbrady)
                         Goodie two-shoes!!

               EXT. PLAYGROUND - DAY

               PAN along the playground, where all the children are enjoying 
               various activities.

               SETTLE on the swingset, where Barbrady and Kenny and a little 
               girl are swinging.

                                     BARBRADY
                              (Singing)
                         Swingset, swingset up and down I 
                         go... Whoosh goes the willy wind 
                         blowing through my toes...

               Stan, Kyle and Cartman stand off to the side, tossing a red 
               ball back and forth.

                                     STAN
                         Dude, I think Officer Barbrady enjoys 
                         being at school at little too much.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, isn't he just supposed to be 
                         learning how to read?

               Barbrady swings higher on the swingset, higher.

                                     BARBRADY
                         SWINGSET! SWINGSET! UP AND DOWN I 
                         GOOO!!!!

               Suddenly, the Mayor and her assistants walk in.

                                     MAYOR
                         OFFICER BARBRADY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

               Suddenly, Barbrady stops swinging. The force of the sudden 
               stop causes Kenny to fly out of his swing, and smash into a 
               brick wall.

                                     STAN
                         Oh, my God! They killed --

               Kenny gets up and waves it off.

                                     STAN
                         Oh, never mind.

                                     MAYOR
                         Well, how's the reading coming along?!

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Oh, pretty good...

                                     MAYOR
                         Barbrady... We really need you to 
                         speed this up. The chickenfucker 
                         struck again last night.

                                     KYLE
                         Oh, no!

                                     BARBRADY
                         Oh Mayor please, when we're around 
                         children we prefer to call him the 
                         Chicken LOVER.

                                     ASSISTANT
                         This time he made love to Carla 
                         Weathers prize chicken. She's 
                         catatonic

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Who, Carla Weathers or the chicken?

                                     MAYOR
                         The perpetrator left this clue at 
                         the crime scene.

                                     BARBRADY
                         I can't read this, it has silent 
                         e's.

               The Mayor gets in Barbrady's face.

                                     MAYOR
                         You have to learn to read faster, 
                         Barbrady!

                                     BARBRADY
                         I'm doing the best I can!! I even 
                         got an A on my book report!

                                     MAYOR
                         Listen, buddy, either you learn to 
                         read QUICK or else I'm going to find 
                         a law officer to replace you FOREVER!!

               The Mayor and her assistants walk off.

               While leaving, one of the assistants grabs the red ball from 
               the boys and pops it.

               The boys look sad.

                                     ASSISTANT #2
                         Hey, What'd ya do that for?

                                     ASSISTANT
                         Uh, just dramatic effect, sorry.

               They all leave.

               Barbrady looks sad as the other boys gather around him.

                                     BARBRADY
                         Oh boy, I am in big trouble... I'll 
                         never learn to read fast enough, and 
                         the town is in chaos.

                                     STAN
                         It's cool dude, we'll help you.

                                     BARBRADY
                         Hey, that's right... You CAN help 
                         me!! Under Article 39 section 2 of 
                         Police code, I am allowed to deputize 
                         citizens in a time of crisis.

               Cartman eyes light up!

                                     CARTMAN
                         REALLY? I wanna be a cop!

                                     BARBRADY
                         You boys will be my deputies, you 
                         can help me restore order, catch the 
                         chickenlover, and swing me on the 
                         swingset.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Do I get a nightstick?!

                                     BARBRADY
                         Sure, nightsticks for everybody!!

               Barbrady throws Cartman his night stick.

                                     BARBRADY
                         You keep a tab on crime in the city, 
                         and we'll try to solve the 
                         chickenlover case!

                                     CARTMAN
                         10-4, Sergeant!

               Cartman dashes off.

                                     BARBRADY
                         Now, what did that clue say again?

                                     STAN
                         'If you want to know where I'll strike 
                         next, read Bumbly Wumbly And the 
                         Spotted Spacecraft'!

                                     BARBRADY
                         To the Booktastic bus, deputies! We 
                         haven't a moment to spare!

                                     BOYS
                         Hooray!!

               EXT. BOOKMOBILE - DAY

               Establishing.

               INT. BOOKMOBILE

               The boys burst in.

                                     BOOKMOBILE DRIVER
                         Good day good friends! Welcome to 
                         the magical world of reading.

                                     BARBRADY
                         We need a copy of "Bumbly Wumbly and 
                         the Spotted Spacecraft" right away!

                                     BOOKMOBILE DRIVER
                         Ooooow! That's a very magical book, 
                         full of wondrous --

                                     BARBRADY
                         Aw, just give us the damn book, 
                         fruitcake!

               The driver hands over the book. Barbrady opens it.

                                     KYLE
                         What's it say?

                                     BARBRADY
                         It says 'Mah... Mah...' Uh, what's 
                         this word?

                                     STAN
                         I.

                                     BARBRADY
                         Oh yeah, 'I... Mah... Mah...'

                                     KYLE
                         Here give me that.
                              (Reading)
                         'I am Bumbly Wumbly, I live in the 
                         pond'.

                                     STAN
                         A pond. Hey, maybe that means Stark's 
                         Pond.

                                     BARBRADY
                         That's quick thinking, deputy! Let's 
                         get to Stark's pond immediately!

               EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE

               Starsky and Hutch THEME MUSIC kicks in as Cartman comes 
               driving in a BIG-WHEEL cop car.

               Cartman puts on some shades as he drives down the street, 
               chewing gum and feeling ultra cool.

               Suddenly, a nice car speeds past him.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey!

               Cartman hits the uplights and sirens.

               The car pulls over. Cartman gets out of the Big wheel, pulls 
               up his pants and approaches the car.

               He knocks on the window with his billy club. Stan's dad rolls 
               it down.

                                     STAN'S DAD
                         Yes Officer?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I clocked you at 40 miles an hour 
                         back there. Do you know what the 
                         speed limit is here?

                                     STAN'S DAD
                         Well according to that sign right 
                         there, it's 40 miles an hour.

               Sure enough, there is a sign right in front of them that 
               reads 'SPEED LIMIT 40 MILES AN HOUR.'

                                     CARTMAN
                         Step out of the car please, sir.

                                     STAN'S DAD
                              (Stepping out)
                         Wait a second, aren't you Stan's 
                         little friend?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Sir, step out of the car please.

                                     STAN'S DAD
                         Yeah! You're the one who always plugs 
                         up the toilet at our house.

                                     CARTMAN
                         AY! I'm a COP! And you WILL respect 
                         my authority.

                                     STAN'S DAD
                              (laughs)
                         Yeah right! You better get back to 
                         school, little boy.

               Cartman takes out his nightstick.

                                     CARTMAN
                         GET YOUR ASS TO JAIL!

               Suddenly, Cartman smacks Stan's Dad in the knee with his 
               nightstick.

                                     STAN'S DAD
                         Ow!!! Hey what the hell are you doing? 
                         You can't do that!... Ow!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Sweet.

               Cartman starts beating Stan's dad senseless.

               EXT. STARK'S POND - NIGHT

               A small crowd has gathered around a solitary chicken that 
               looks completely normal and eats feed.

                                     BARBRADY
                         Oh weak, dude, we're too late!

                                     STAN
                         Well, the chickens don't seem to 
                         really mind.

                                     PRIEST
                         Well this is terrible. Now who would 
                         have sex with a chicken?

                                     HALFIE
                         I would!

               Everyone looks over.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         You couldn't screw anything, halfie! 
                         You don't have any legs!!

                                     HALFIE
                         Oh... yeah.

               Halfie walks on his arms away. The priest calls after him.

                                     PRIEST
                         Have some respect for people's 
                         feelings! Would ya Halfie?

               Kyle, Stan and Barbrady run up.

                                     BARBRADY
                         Come on, dudes, we need to look for 
                         another clue.

               Kyle starts searching the ground. Stan follows.

                                     KYLE
                         Here! Here!! I found one!

                                     STAN
                         What's it say? What's it say?!!!

                                     KYLE
                         It says read 'Teetle the Timid Taxa... 
                         Taxa..' the Taxi... What's this word?

                                     STAN
                         I don't know.

               Kyle turns to Barbrady.

                                     BARBRADY
                              (struggling to read)
                         'T...Ta....Ta... TAXIDERMIST!!

               Everyone gasps. TRIUMPHANT MUSIC blows, Barbrady looks 
               extremely proud of himself. A few townspeople applaud.

                                     BARBRADY
                         I read it! I read it all by myself!

               Everyone CHEERS.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE

               Video style footage of Cartman on his Big Wheel.

               *NOTE - All of the following scene should parody COPS.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, I've been working this beat 
                         for about three days now... You 
                         definitely have to have pretty thick 
                         skin, or else these people they just 
                         walk all over you. Sometimes you 
                         have to go undercover to get the 
                         worst of 'em.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - NIGHT

               Cartman is standing in the street, still in COP gear, but 
               with a pink skirt around his waist.

               He is walking up and down the street pretending to be a 
               hooker. A title comes up 'Prostitution Sting 9:42 p.m. 
               westside.'.

               Finally a car comes pulling up.

                                     MAN
                         Hi there, little lady.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well hi there. What are you doing 
                         tonight?

                                     MAN
                         Well, hopefully spending some time 
                         with you, gorgeous. Is twenty dollars 
                         enough?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Sir, step out of the car please.

                                     MAN
                         What? Oh oh, is this a bust?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Sir, step out of the car.

               The guy gets out.

                                     MAN
                         Hey wait a minute... You're just a 
                         KID!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Maybe THIS will teach you to listen 
                         to AUTHORITY!!!

               Cartman smacks the guy in the shins.

                                     MAN
                         OWWWW!!!... Owwww. Hey man, what are 
                         you doing? Owww, stop it.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE

               Cartman's back on his big wheel.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (To camera)
                         Yeah, sometimes upholding the law is 
                         messy. But you get by...

               FADE TO TITLE 'CARTMAN' written like 'COPS'

                                     CARTMAN
                         ...One day at a time.

                                                                  FADE OUT:

                                         ACT III

               EXT. LIBRARY - NIGHT

               Establishing.

                                     TOWNSPERSON
                         I got a TV. Shhhh come on.

               INT. LIBRARY - NIGHT

               Barbrady is alone at a large desk with a huge book in front 
               of him.

                                     BARBRADY
                              (Reading)
                         Teetle the timid Taxidermist... Loves 
                         to...
                              (to himself)
                         Oh, God damn reading is lame!

               Stan and Kyle walk up.

                                     KYLE
                         How's it going, dude?

                                     BARBRADY
                         Terrible. I give up. I'm not fit to 
                         be a cop!!

               Barbrady breaks down crying.

                                     STAN
                         Come on dude, it's not that hard!

                                     BARBRADY
                         IT IS TOO!!

                                     KYLE
                         Just read the sentence.

                                     BARBRADY
                         Teetle the Timid taxidermist, loves 
                         to go to the pet -- pet --

                                     KYLE
                         Come on, dumbass, you can do it!

                                     BARBRADY
                         Pet... Wait a minute...

               A flashback balloon of Mr. Garrison pops up.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Conjugate the verb... Conjugate the 
                         verb.

                                     MR. HAT
                         Yes, conjucate the verb.

               DRAMATIC MUSIC! Barbrady stands up.

                                     BARBRADY
                         PetTING. PETTING ZOO. He loves to go 
                         to the petting zoo!! Boys! We're 
                         off!!

               EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - NIGHT

               Cartman is driving his big wheel down the street. (Everything 
               is shot from a 'passenger' seat POV)

               A small TITLE reads "Dep. Eric Cartman Street Patrol".

               Suddenly, a crackling comes over the radio.

                                     RADIO
                         All units, all units 512 at 635 Avenue 
                         De Los Mexicanos, request 
                         assistance...

               Cartman hits his lights and drives faster down the street.

               EXT. KENNY'S HOUSE

               Now the TITLE changes to 'Domestic Disturbance 4:38 pm Lower 
               East Side'.

               Cartman walks up to the door and knocks on it with his 
               nightstick.

               The door opens to reveal Kenny's father.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Sir, could you step out of the car 
                         please?

                                     KENNY'S DAD
                         We're fine, officer.

               The video camera ZOOMS IN to reveal that Kenny's Dad has a 
               black eye.

                                     CARTMAN
                         And, uh, who, who's in here with 
                         you?

                                     KENNY'S DAD
                         Just me and my wife and my brother, 
                         and my wife's cousin and his son and 
                         my brother's girlfriend and our two 
                         kids --

               Kenny and his brother appear in the doorway.

                                     KENNY
                         Mrph mrmmh mremm.

                                     KENNY'S DAD
                         -- and my brother's girlfriend's 
                         mother and this guy Bob who I met 
                         last year.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (To camera)
                         Poor people tend to live in clusters.

                                     KENNY'S DAD
                         What, what did you say?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Nothing. Now, sir, is there some 
                         kind of --

               Suddenly, Kenny's mom appears in the doorway.

                                     KENNY'S MOTHER
                         I WANT HIM OUT OF MY HOUSE! HE AIN'T 
                         WORTH A (BEEP) HE CAN'T EVEN HOLD A 
                         (BEEEP) JOB!!

                                     KENNY'S DAD
                         SHUT UP, BITCH!

               Kenny looks at his mother.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, let's try to watch the language. 
                         There's children present here.

                                     KENNY'S MOTHER
                         YOU LAZY ASS MOTHER(BEEEP)!

                                     KENNY'S DAD
                         LOOK WHAT SHE DID TO MY (BEEEP)ING 
                         EYE!!!

                                     KENNY'S MOTHER
                         I'LL DO IT AGAIN!

               Kenny's mom smacks his dad in the eye. Kenny laughs his ass 
               off.

                                     KENNY'S BROTHER
                         Mom hit dad again.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (To camera)
                         Now, the first thing to do in domestic 
                         disturbance calls like this one is 
                         to just calm everybody down.
                              (To parents)
                         RESPECT MY AUTHORITY!!!

               Cartman hauls off and starts beating the crap out of both of 
               them. Kenny's mother and father YELL and SCREAM as they get 
               pummeled IN THE SHINS with Cartman's vengeful stick.

               Kenny and his brother laughs hysterically.

               Just then, a voice blasts over Cartman's radio.

                                     RADIO
                         ALL UNITS! ALL UNITS!! WE HAVE A 5-
                         20 ON THE SUSPECT! REPORT TO THE 
                         SOUTH PARK PETTING ZOO IMMEDIATELY!!

                                     CARTMAN
                              (To himself)
                         Chickenlover...

               EXT. SOUTH PARK PETTING ZOO

               PAN along the animals, all of which are being petted by 
               children, who all look completely bored.

               The Pan SETTLES on a chicken, which looks scared, and is 
               surrounded by Barbrady, Stan and Kyle who are all trying to 
               protect it.

                                     BARBRADY
                         Keep your eyes peeled, boys. 
                         Somebody's going to make love to 
                         this chicken any minute...

               The chicken's eyes grow wide.

                                     STAN
                         Maybe we were wrong about the clue.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, maybe you read it wrong.

                                     BARBRADY
                         Oh, no...

               But just then, a loud rustling is heard.

                                     BARBRADY
                         Shh!

               All is quiet... Barbrady and the boys look around carefully. 
               Behind them, a hand reaches out and grabs the chicken!!

                                     CHICKEN
                         BA-GWAKK!!

               -- But nobody notices.

                                     BARBRADY
                         Keep your eyes peeled!

                                     STAN
                         LOOK!!

               Stan turns to the bush, where rustling is going on.

                                     KYLE
                         HE'S HERE!!

                                     BARBRADY
                         GRAB HIM!!

               EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE

               Cartman races down the street, with lights and sirens blaring.

                                     CARTMAN
                         DAMMIT! Can't this thing go any 
                         faster?!?!

               Cartman bites into a donut.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK PETTING ZOO

               Barbrady emerges from the bushes with the chickenfucker in 
               hand. He is wearing an obvious Richard Nixon mask on his 
               face, and has a small gun in his hand.

               The suspect spins around and pushes Barbrady away. He fires 
               his gun, but Barbrady dodges it, and the bullet hits Kenny.

                                     STAN
                         Oh my God! They've killed --

               But again, Kenny gets up. He looks at his hand which has 
               been shot, but appears fine.

                                     STAN
                         God dammit!

               Barbrady finally gets a hold of the suspect and subdues him.

                                     BARBRADY
                         I knew it was you all along, Richard 
                         Nixon!!

                                     STAN
                         Uhh... I think that's a mask, dude.

                                     BARBRADY
                         Oh.

               Barbrady rips off the mask to reveal --

                                     KYLE
                         Woa dude! It's the bookmobile driver!!

                                     BARBRADY
                         Caught you red handed!!

                                     BOOKMOBILE DRIVER
                         Indeed you did!! How did you know I 
                         would strike here?

                                     BARBRADY
                         By reading Teetle the Timid 
                         Taxidermist!

                                     BOOKMOBILE DRIVER
                         YOU DID?! REALLY?! THEN IT WORKED!! 
                         MY WHOLE PLAN WORKED ABSOLUTELY 
                         PERFECTLY!!!

                                     STAN
                         What are you talking about dude?

                                     BOOKMOBILE DRIVER
                         When I heard that Officer Barbrady 
                         couldn't read, I knew I had to 
                         motivate him somehow! So I formulated 
                         a plan to encourage him to learn the 
                         magic of reading!!

                                     KYLE
                         So you fucked a bunch of chickens?

                                     BOOKMOBILE DRIVER
                         YES! YES! EXACTLY!!! Don't you see, 
                         only by fucking chickens could I get 
                         Officer Barbrady to become literate!

               Everyone thinks, and tries to make this make sense.

                                     STAN
                         That doesn't make a whole lot of 
                         sense dude.

                                     BOOKMOBILE DRIVER
                         Oh no? He who was blind can now see! 
                         I got Officer Barbrady to read. My 
                         plan worked perfectly!!!

               Stan and Kyle look at each other, absolutely baffled.

                                     BARBRADY
                         Well... I guess I should say thanks?

                                     BOOKMOBILE DRIVER
                         You're welcome. And now, my reading 
                         friend, you've proven that you are 
                         ready for the big time. I give you 
                         this hardback copy of 'Atlas Shrugged' 
                         by Ayn Rand.

               The driver hands Barbrady the book.

               Suddenly --

                                     CARTMAN
                         FREEZE! Put your hands in the air!!

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman!

               They look over. Cartman is there holding up his mighty 
               nightstick.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I got reports that the suspect is in 
                         this area.

                                     KYLE
                         Well, he is... It turns out that the 
                         bookmobile driver here was the one 
                         making love to chickens.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ah-HA!!

               Cartman walks over and starts beating the bookmobile driver 
               in the shins relentlessly.

                                     BOOKMOBILE DRIVER
                         AAGHAGH!! That hurts!!

                                     KYLE
                         Woa, dude!

                                     STAN
                         Cartman!

               Barbrady rushes over and picks Cartman up.

                                     BARBRADY
                         No, no! That's not how you uphold 
                         the law!

                                     CARTMAN
                         But he is not listening to my 
                         AUTHORITY!!

                                     BARBRADY
                         Oh, oh, you've got it all wrong my 
                         little friend. You do it like this --

               Barbrady whips around and starts beating the chickenfucker 
               in the head with his stick.

                                     BARBRADY
                         You got to get them in the head, 
                         they go down quicker.

               The chickenfucker falls to the ground unconscious.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ohhh...

                                     KYLE
                         I guess you should leave police work 
                         to the professionals, huh Cartman?

                                     BARBRADY
                         Well, anyway, I'm relieving you of 
                         your duties. I've proved that I can 
                         read and now I'm BACK ON THE JOB!!

                                     STAN AND KYLE
                         Hooray!!

               Barbrady starts to walk off.

                                     STAN
                         Hey, so what are you going to do 
                         now?

                                     BARBRADY
                              (Stopping)
                         Now?

               Barbrady holds up 'Atlas Shrugged'

                                     BARBRADY
                         Well, I... I think I'll get in the 
                         bathtub, and then curl up with a 
                         good book!

               Triumphant MUSIC plays as Barbrady gives a happy thumbs up. 
               FREEZE FRAME on Barbrady while the music plays for quite a 
               while.

               Title: Executive Producer "Robert T. Pooner"

               CUT BACK to the kids, who are all standing there, blinking 
               with confusion.

               CUT BACK to Barbrady, who is still in a freeze frame, with 
               his thumb in the air, and music playing.

               CUT BACK to the kids who look to one another, and finally 
               shrug and walk away.

                                          ACT IV

               ANGLE - TELEVISION NEWS

                                     ANCHOR
                         And so today, South Park held a parade 
                         to honor Officer Barbrady, and his 
                         heroic work on the Chickenfucker 
                         case.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE

               A parade is in progress for Barbrady. The crowd cheers him 
               on.

                                     BARBRADY
                         Thank you everybody! Thank you!

                                     TOWNSPERSON
                         Speech! Speech!

               The crowd quiets in anticipation of a speech.

                                     BARBRADY
                         What?

                                     STAN
                         They want you to give a speech Officer 
                         Barbrady, about the whole experience 
                         over the last couple of days.

                                     BARBRADY
                         Oh. Okay...
                              (to the crowd)
                         Well, first of all I'd like to thank 
                         the town of South Park, the town 
                         that borne me and eventually will 
                         rob me of my life precious.

               The crowd cheers.

                                     BARBRADY
                         Second, I'd like to say to all those 
                         out there who think they can screw 
                         chickens just to teach people to 
                         read... Your days are numbered!!!

               The crowd goes wild.

                                     BARBRADY
                         And finally, I'd like to say that 
                         READING TOTALLY SUCKS ASS!!

                                     KIDS
                         Hurray.

               The crowd looks confused.

                                     BARBRADY
                         Yes, at first, I was happy to be 
                         learning how to read. It seemed 
                         exciting and magical. But then I 
                         read this --

               Barbrady holds up a copy of ATLAS SHRUGGED, by Ayn Rand. All 
               1085 pages of it.

                                     BARBRADY
                         Atlas Shrugged, by Ayn Rand. I read 
                         every last word of this garbage and 
                         because of this piece of SHIT, I'm 
                         never reading again!

                                     STAN AND KYLE
                         Hurrah for Barbrady!!!

               The crowd goes wild again!!!

                                     KYLE
                         Wow, I guess reading really does 
                         suck ass.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, that's what I've been saying 
                         all along, you guys.

                                     STAN
                         I'm just glad everything turned out 
                         okay and Barbrady got his job back.

                                     KYLE
                         It's poetic justice.

               Barbrady looks down with a smile.

                                     BARBRADY
                         Thanks boys.

               He gives them a thumbs up. FREEZE-FRAME and play survivor 
               music.

               A big tree falls over on top of Kenny, killing him.

                                         THE END

Chickenlover



Writers :   Trey Parker  Matt Stone  David Goodman
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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