"CHILD ABDUCTION IS NOT FUNNY"
[Tweek's house, night. He's on the sofa looking at news.]
And in other news, another school shooting
has taken place, this time in Idaho.
As these kinds of shooting increase,
one thing becomes clear: Your children
are not safe at school.
Oh God! Change it! Change it!
This was the second time a terrorist
threat has been made on a theme park,
leaving everyone to realize that children
are not safe outside.
Agh! God, change it!!
And it seems there's a new danger to
look out for: children who are taken
by strangers. The bottom line: children
are not safe... in their own homes!
Come to the kitchen, sweetie. We need
to see you real quick.
[Kitchen. Richard is at table as Tweek arrives. Tweek's mom is
serving coffee. There are two coffee makers in the background]
Oh God. They're gonna get me.
Sit down and have some coffee, son.
Tweek, there's starting to be a lot
of reports in the news about kids being
abducted, and we thought we should talk.
I s-I saw! Uuuh!
You know never to talk to strangers,
right Tweek? You can't trust anybody.
Oh God! Huh!
Now, we don't want to alarm you, son,
but we've isntalled new locks on your
bedroom windows and door. Important
for you to know never to unlock them
at night for anyone except your mother
Oh Jesus! Huh!
It's just a precaution, sweetie. Probably
nothing will ever happen.
[The Tweek house, after bedtime. Tweek is in his bed having a
No, ...NO! They're gonna get me! GAAAH!
Huh, huh, huh-oh, oh God. Uh, just
a dream. OH MY GOD!! GAAAH!!
Tweek! This is Officer Daniels! Now,
try and stay calm, but we believe an
abductor is in your room!
...Inside my room? Oh God!
Give it up, buddy! We've got ya surrounded!
Okay, Tweek, I want you to very calmly
but quickly walk to the door and come
out to us!
Oh my God! Oh! Oh! Jesus, see me through
Bang! You're dead, Tweek.
You failed the test, son. Didn't I tell
you not to open the door for anybody
except your mother and I?
Oh God! Oh Jesus!
What if that had been a child abductor
pretending to be a police officer, Tweek?
He would have sprayed your brains all
over the floor and then taken your body
off to the woods. You've got to be
on your toes, Tweek. Alright, now go
to bed and get some rest.
[The Bijou, next day. "Men In Black II" is showing. Stan, Kyle,
Cartman and Tweek walk up to the ticket booth]
I hope this movie doesn't suck ass.
Wait, that's not the usual ticket-taker
So? I don't know him!
You relax! What if he wants to kill
Gah, what the hell do his parents do
[Down the road. Tweek is running, but soon tires out. A car pulls
up and the driver looks out the passenger window]
'Scuse me, is this the right road to
Please, I just need to know if this
is "South Park"?
Get away from meee!
[A street corner. Tweek arrives there and stops to catch his
breath. An elderly lady walks up and taps his hair. Tweek screams
and jumps back. The crossing signal says "WALK," so it's alright
for both to cross the street]
Could you help me across the street?
I don't know you! Ah, AAAH!
[The outskirts of town. Tweek is running and arrives at some
train tracks. A man in a wheelchair sits between the tracks.
He looks behind to see that no one has followed him]
MAN IN WHEELCHAIR
Oh, hey, kid! Oh, thank God you happened
by. My- my chair ran out of juice right
on these train tracks. If you hadn't
had shown up, well... Well, anyway,
could you give me a push?
MAN IN WHEELCHAIR
No, no, you don't understand. I'm, I'm
paralyzed from the neck down. I push
the chair with this device in front
of my mouth, but it's it's not working,
so you see-
I'm not supposed to talk to you!
MAN IN WHEELCHAIR
Please, this, this isn't funny, kid.
You have to help me.
But it could be a trick! Ugh. That's
a pretty good trick.
[The Tweek house, night. Tweek is again asleep, peacefully. A
light fills the room and rouses him from his sleep. At the foot
of the bed is a man dressed in a robe. He holds a scepter in
his right hand and wears laurel branches on his head. He is glowing,
as is the bauble atop the scepter]
Relax, Tweek. I am not here to hurt
you. I am the Ghost of Human Kindness.
The Ghost of Human Kindness?
What do you want?
Huh-uh, how can I help it? It seems
that everywhere I turn, someone is out
to get me.
[A woman enters the Shady Acres Retirement Community and heads
for the front door. Tweek and the ghost arrive and follow her
[A one-story house, later. Tweek and the ghost reach the front
[The camera looks at a snowy sky with a full moon and pans down.
Tweek and the ghost are walking down the highway]
[South Park. Tweek and the ghost are back in town]
I think so. You mean that, even though
all the news is about murderers and
abductors, those kind of people... only
make up a very small part of the world.
Alright Johnson, give it up!
What the hell is going on??
Tweek, Tweek, are you okay?
Did he hurt you, son?
Then we aren't too late. His name is
Frederick Johnson. He's been abducting
children by dressing up like the Ghost
of Human Kindness for over a year now.
What's going on?
A stranger was caught trying to abduct
the Tweek boy.
An abductor in our town?
Oh my God, what are we gonna do?
[South Park City Hall, next day. The townsfolk are clamoring
outside the front door]
Rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble
People, people, calm down.
Well what are we gonna do, Mayor?! We
have to stop these abductors from being
able to get into our town!
Rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble
Yes, but standing out here yelling "Rabble
rabble rabble" isn't going to help anything.
Well we don't know what else to do,
Rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble
rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble.
People, what do you think we need to
Uh, well, we need to find a way to
close our town off from unwanted strangers!
Yes, we need a barrier to protect our
Rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble...
Wait, that's it. A wall. We could build
a huge city wall all around South Park
so that we have complete control over
who comes in.
That's... not a bad idea, a city wall.
But who can we get to build it?
[City Wok, later. Several adults are in the restaurant]
...And so, we want you to design and
build a great wall, all around the city.
CITY WOK OWNER
I don' build wall. I just own un' operate
We just think that you're the best person
to put up a wall. We're sure you've
got it in your blood.
CITY WOK OWNER
Oh, I get it. Just because I Chinese,
you think I build wall. That i' bullshit!
I'm not stereotype, okay?! Just because
I'm Chinese doesn't mean I go around
building wall! I'm just a normal person
like all o'you! I eat ahrice and drive
ahreally slow, just like the rest o'you!
I'm not stereotype!
Please, Mr. Tuong Lu Kim.
Your ancestors put up a great wall that
kept Mongolians out for thousands of
years. We know you can do it for us.
[Outside South Park, some weeks later. A great wall has gone
up around South Park, enclosing it like a medieval wall. This
is the Great Wall of South Park. Tuong, dressed in his restaurant's
uniform, is laying down some bricks. He hears some horses and
look up. Some Mongolians have arrived and drawn their swords.
They chip away at the wall.]
Hey. Hey hey! Hey, what the hell you
doing?! Mongorians? What the hell Mongorians
doing here? Ey, fuck you, Mongorians!
Tryin' break down my wall! Get out
of here, fuckin' Mongorians! God-damnit,
how come every time us Chinese put up
a wall, stupid Mongorians have to come
and knock it down?
[South Park, now encircled by the Great Wall, later.]
[The Marsh house, living room. Stan is on the sofa watching TV.
His parents enter. Randy is carrying a box]
Stan, our abduction problems are over.
We got the new Child Tracker.
It's a little electrical device that
can tell us where you are anywhere on
If anybody takes you, we'll be able
to locate your exact location within
[Moments later, Randy finishes installing the Tracker, and both
There, I think that's got it.
...Dude, no way! I'm not wearing Child
You can barely even tell you have one
I'm not going to school like this! What
will all the other guys say?!
I wouldn't worry about that.
[School bus stop, next day. Stan is wearing his tracker. Kyle,
Cartman, and Tweek are wearing their own trackers. All trackers
So weak. So weak, dude. Man.
Why did you go and have to be abducted,
Tweek? Now all our parents are freaking
I didn't mean to.
[The Great Wall of South Park. Tuong finishes the repairs on
the damaged section.]
Okay. Finary. Oh no. It's those God-damned
Mongorians again! Stop! Stop right there,
Mongorians! God-damnit, stop! Stop
breaking down my city wall you stupid
Mongoriaaans! Ay, you sons of bitches,
you- What the hell?? Oh, shit! OH,
GOD-DAMNED MONGORIANS!! I'm gonna get
you, fuckin' Mongorians! Don't break
down my city wall! Oh, God-damnit!
That's the last time you're gonna break
down my city wall! You hear me, Mongorians?!
[A baseball field. A cheer comes up from the bleachers. A close-up
shows the townsfolk rooting for their Cows.]
Alright, Cows, We're gonna go out there
and we're gonna give 'em hell!
But, wait. Where's the other team?
There is no other team.
Well, we've... put a wall around the
city to keep outsiders out. You don't
think we want a bunch of strangers coming
in to play ball, do you?
But if there is no other team, then
it won't be any fun.
Don't worry, it'll still be fun for
Go Cows! Go Cows! Go Cows! Go Cows!
Play ball! Steeeeee-riiike
Yeah! Woohoo! Yeah!
[Crust E. Krotch's Pizza, Corral, night. The town is in there
celebrating a victory. Ned is playing "Thirst For Blood"]
South Park Cows do it again!
Congratulations on your victory, boys.
Dude, we weren't playing anybody.
Yeah, and you kicked ass!
Isn't it awesome havin' a great wall
around our city? Nobody in town except
for our good friends.
Yeahah! Alright! Yeah. Right on! Right
Guys! Sh, quiet everyone.
And this newest study reveals more
about child abductions than we apparently
knew before, Tom.
Turn it up.
That's right, Chris. This newest study
shows that the majority of child abductions
are NOT commited by strangers, but by
somebody the child knows in their own
town. The report further states that
it is because the child trusts the individual
that problems occur in the first place.
Well, I guess this means the enemy is
in our own backyard, so to speak.
Sure does, Tom.
Alright, thanks, Chris. Is the weather
going to turn su-
Well, if you'll all excuse us, I think
we'll be going now.
Yeah. Come along, Kyle
Stanley, time for us to get back to
I'm not done with my pizza.
[The Great Wall of South Park. Tuong is working on something
behind a brick shield.]
Eh. Eh, eh, there we go. All finished.
My Mongolian Missile Defense system.
Those Mongolians try to break down
my city wall again, they gonna get a
big heat-seeking missile surprise!
Oh! Hello Mongolians. Yeah. You come
to break down my city wall? Oh, you
gonna throw that baseball at my wall??
Oh no! Not a baseball! I'm pretty scared.
Well, you know what? I might have something
here that's a little bigger than a baseball.
Say hello to my little friend! Aw,
crap. Ooohhhh God-damned Mongolians!!
You break down my city wall foda last
[South Park, the bus stop, next day. The parents are present
with the boys as they wait for the school bus]
Dude, this is worse than Child Tracker.
'Sokay, boys. Just act as if we weren't
Right. Do what you normally would do.
You're such a fatass, Cartman.
At least I'm not a stupid Jew.
[South Park Elementary. The bell rings and the class begins.
Mr. Mackey is at the board. ]
M'kay, kids, so, now, who can tell me
what year the first moon landing took
place? Uh, how about you, Clyde?
No helping! M'kay, I'm not really sure
havin' all the parents here is a good
Well, maybe things could be better if
we could trust people like the Stotches!
Us?? Your family's all be the shifty-eyed
Oh, this is too much to take. Mom,
Dad, could you please leave me alone?
MR. MACKEY'S FATHER
We just wanna make sure nobody hurts
you, Junior, m'kay?
[Great Wall of South Park. Mr. Lu Kim wheels a vat of boiling
fluid to one of the openings]
Hahahaha! My masterpiece! When those
Mongolians come next time, I pour this
sweet and sour pork on their heads.
Haha, sweet and sour pork so hot and
sticky, Mongolians'll stick ahright
up to the wall! And scream "UhwOoOoOoOoo!"
Oh I can't wait. Oh, I get it. A Trojan
Mongolian horse. Mongolians a-hiding
inside thinking that I'll bring it in
city wall, then Mongolians pop out and
destroy wall from the inside out without
gettin' any sweet and sour pork on their
heads! Okay. I'll pray around. Oh!
Oh rook! Rook, my very own Mongorian
Trojan horse! Gee, what a surprise!
I guess Mongorians aren't such crappy,
smelly people after all! Yeah. Great!
Rwow! Yeah, what a great present! I'm
just gonna push it inside the gate and
soon tell all my friends. Oh, it's
sweet and sour pork! Oh! I'm going
to get you Nogodians, if it's the last
thing I do!
[The Tweek house, night. The parents are in the living room sitting
together on the sofa watching TV and sharing a bag of popcorn.
A blanket covers their legs. The surroundings show an iron door
where the front door is, and roll-down iron blinds over the windows]
And so all the residents of Manhattan
are prepared to evacuate if Ms. Clinton's
ass gets any bigger. And in other news,
new findings on the increase in child
Oh Jesus, turn it up, honey!
The study shows that the most likely
abductors of children... are the parents
themselves! The study reveals that
nine out of every ten abduction cases
are commited by the child's mother or
father. The bottom line being that your
children aren't safe, even from you!
Where are you going?
Uh. I'm just going to go upstairs and
see if Tweek is still in his bed.
Oh?? I think I'll go with you.
It's okay. I can do it.
I just want to make sure that you-
That I don't abduct him? How do I know
that you haven't done it already??
Me?? I would never abduct our son!
That's not what the new study says!
Well what are we supposed to do, eh-?
How can we protect Tweek from ourselves?
[South Park, next day. The familes gather on a neighborhood street.
The parents are hugging their kids.]
Here you go, Stanley. This should hold
you over for three years.
But why do I have to leave?
The news says that at your age you aren't
safe with us, son. You have to get out
of here before we abduct you.
Good-bye, son. Remember to eat right.
Look out for your brother, Kyle. You're
the man now.
Oh, boys! Don't ever forget that we
Be careful out there!
Where are we supposed to go?
We can't tell you because we can't know
where you are!
Oh, this is terrible!
Go on, kids! Go! Go and don't look back!
Good-bye, kids. We'll... never forget
Dude, sometimes I think our parents
are really stupid.
Oh my God.
[The Great Wall of South Park, day. Tuong is still congealed
under the sweet and sour sauce the Mongolians dumped on him,
but the Trojan Mongolian horse is gone. A dog walks by and sniffs]
Ah. Hey daw. O'er 'ere. O'er 'ere, dog.
Got som'in sweet and souh foh ya. Good
dog! That's it! Keep licking, dog!
[Some time later. Tuong runs along the ramparts of the wall,
finally freed from the sweet and sour pork that had held him
Hahahahahaaa! I'm free, Mongolians!
And now I'm gonna make you PAY!
[The Marsh house, night. Randy is at the sofa watching the news.]
Finally, some good news tonight. It's
been several days since any child abductions
have taken place. The main reason: parents
don't know where their children are.
What's the matter?
Oh, it's just... I was wondering if
Oh, I'm sure he's made it somewhere
safe by now.
Do you really think we did the right
thing, Randy? Sending all the young
kids in town to live on their own?
Sweetheart, you saw the news...
Don't you worry. I'm sure that Stan
and all the other kids are somewhere
safe, off in a whole new city by now,
making a new life for themselves.
[A Mongolian camp outside the Great Wall of South Park, night.
The Mongolians are roasting and enjoying small animals, and drying
the hides near a tent. The town's kids are now with them, wearing
Tah tane da ke ab kahleh kalabush.
Bi ologad bag, big nan dastai.
De bandig baeakhalah?
Tawya mea pleda cleah bleah.
Triben fak burushban.
[The Great Wall of South Park, day. Tuong pops up outside the
wall dressed in imperial attire.]
Awright, Mongolians! Your only way through
this wall is through me. This is my
rast stand! I'm gonna do my war dance
now. Does my war dance ascare you,
Mongolians? Yeah, you think you want
a piece of this? This is ancient Chinese
dance of a- Oh, herro kids. Uh be careful,
there's a-Mongolians up there. Oh,
What's going on?
I heard an explosion.
God-damned Mongolians attacked city
MAN IN BACK
What the hell are they doin' here?!
Rabble! Rabble rabble!
Rabble rabble rabble rabble!
Wait a minute. Those Mongolians are...
My son has become a Mongolian?? No!
Oh God. What have we done? We sent our
children away, and now they don't even
remember who they are.
Kids? Don't you remember us?
Wait wait. I learned some Mongolian
in college. Ah, let's see. Uh. K-kids,
uh, Bi kute. Bi salnek kute. Uh-d tah
Oh my God, our parents are so stupid,
We are your parents. You used to live
here, with us.
Yeah, it was like four days ago!
They're starting to remember.
Staaan. Your name... is Staaan!
Uh huh, Stan Marsh.
That's it! Remember, son! Rememmmber!
We're sorry, Tweek!
Are you okay, Clyde?
Oh, son, can you ever forgive us?
Huh, I'm over here, Dad.
We're sorry, kids. We just let all those
sensationalist news reports go to our
Oh my God, do you see what this means?
The Ghost of Human Kindness was right
You mean how he said we should trust
each other, or how he abducted children?
The uh... no no, the part about being
more trusting. We should follow what
he said, not what he did.
Wow, yeah. Oh yeah.
No, no. You know who was right all along?
The Mongolians. They knew that you
just can't wall yourself off from the
outside world. Putting walls up never
helps anything. Tearing them down brings
Whoa! Wow. Right!
Yeah, the Mongolians were right. Yeah.
Aw, you'd better not say what I think
you're gonna say.
Mr. Lu Kim, tear down this wall!
Oh, God! I hate this whole shitty!
Randy, can we just take our son home
Yes, kids. With us, now come. Home.
Jesus Christ, dude, they've done some
stupid crap before, but Jesus Christ.
Child Abduction Is Not Funny
Writers : Trey Parker
Genres : Animation Comedy