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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 311


                                    "CHINPOKOMON"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker






               [The Cartman house, day. Cartman is watching TV and snacking 
               on soomething. Kitty walks up]
 
                                     KITTY
                         Reowr.

                                     CARTMAN
                         No, Kitty! These are my spicy-hot Louisiana-baked 
                         Chicken Tenders!
 
                                     KITTY
                         Reowr.

                                     CARTMAN
                         No, Kitty! 

                                     "ASH"
                         Someday, I will collect all the Chinpoko 
                         Mon. Then I will fight the Evil Power 
                         that will reveal itself once all the 
                         Chinpoko Mon are collected-  oh?
 
                                     KITTY
                         Roar?

                                     CARTMAN
                          No, Kitty. You can't have these chicken 
                         tenders, because they are mine, and 
                         I keep mine to myself- oh?
 
                                     ANNOUCNER
                         Be sure to tune in tomorrow for another 
                         inexplicable episode of... CHINPOKOMON.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hooray! 

                                     ANNOUCNER
                         Hey kids!  Do you love Chinpokomon?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes.

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Well, now you can buy your very own! 
                         
 
                                     SINGER
                         I've got to buy Chinpokomon

               I've got to buy it, I've got to buy it! [six Chinpokomon appear]
 
               
                                     ANNOUNCER
                          Now you can collect them all. Furrycat, 
                         Donkeytron, Pengin, Shoe, Lambtor. Collect 
                         them all, and you can become Royal Crown 
                         Chinpoko Master.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Whoa! Crown Chinpoko Master?! Holy shit!
 
                         
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         All the Chinpokomon are in stores now.
 
                         
                                     JAPANESE WOMAN
                          Chinpokomon is soo-peh-rior rubbeh 
                         toy, Nuhmbah 1!
 
                                     SINGER
                         Come buy us! Chinpo-ko-mon!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Mom! Mom!

               [The kitchen. Liane is at the sink. Cartman rushes in and runs 
               circles around her legs]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Mom! Seriously! Let's go to the toy 
                         store, Mom. Now! Must go! Toy store!
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                         Eric, calm down. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh seriously! Mom! Must go! Must buy!
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                         What is it, Eric?

                                     CARTMAN
                          Muh. Mom, I've only just heard. They're 
                         making Chinpokomon dolls, mom. You can 
                         collect them all. You can collect them 
                         all, Mother; quick, come on. Let's go 
                         to the toy store.
 
                                     LIANE
                          I'm making you some lunch right now, 
                         Eric.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          ...But Mo-o-om, I have to get Chinpokomon 
                         dolls before everybody else does, 'cause 
                         then I'll be coo-oo-ool.
 
                                     LIANE
                         Can't it wait till tomorrow, hon?

                                     CARTMAN
                          ...But Mo-o-om, I have to get the first 
                         one, or else people won't think I'm 
                         coo-oo-ool!
 
                                     LIANE
                         Alright! let's go. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Sweet.

               [The toy store, "TOYS." Cartman and Liane approach it]

               YES! We Have CHINPOKOMON!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Everybody's gonna be sooo jealous when 
                         they see my Chinpokomon. 
 
                                     GIRL
                          Give it to me!

                                     BOY
                         Give it here!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, God damnit! 

                                     STAN
                         Hey, fatass.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, dick-whore. I guess you saw the 
                         commercial, too.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yep. I got: Roostor, Lambtron, and Shoe.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, that's nice, but I'm gonna get 
                         a Pengin. He's the coolest.  God damnit, 
                         there's no more Pengins!  Kenny, Pengin 
                         is my favorite. That's the last one. 
                         Let me have it. 
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Nuh uh.) 

                                     CARTMAN
                         C'mon.

                                     KENNY
                         (Nuh uh!)

                                     CARTMAN
                         C'mon, Kenny. Let me ha-

                                     KENNY
                         (No!)

                                     CARTMAN
                         C'mon.

                                     KENNY
                         (No!)

                                     CARTMAN
                         C'mon. Give me Pengin!

                                     KENNY
                         (No! This is mine!)

                                     CARTMAN
                         C'mon!

               [The checkout counter. Sharon is ready to pay for some Chinpokomon. 
               Liane has one, too. Sharon turns to Liane]
 
                                     SHARON
                         Honestly, I don't see what they find 
                         so amusing about those things.
 
                                     LIANE
                         They're so strange. Where are they from?
 
                         
                                     CASHIER
                         Well, it's some new big thing from Japan. 
                         I tell you, those Japanese really know 
                         how to market to kids.
 
                                     "ASH"
                          I've got to collect all Chinpokomon. 
                         I've got to collect them all so I can 
                         become Royal Crown Chinpoko Master - 
                         oooh? 
 
                                     JAPANESE WOMAN
                         Own-ah Chinpokomon, and-ah you vill-ah 
                         have-ah happy feelings-eh. 
 
                                     "ASH"
                         I have to become Royal Crown Chinpoko 
                         Master.
 
                                     KIDS
                          Must collect Chinpokomon.

               [South Park, next day. The boys stand around with their Chinpokomon. 
               Kyle is missing.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, Kenny. I'll trade you my Chuchunezumi 
                         for your Pengin.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Fuck you!)

                                     CARTMAN
                         God damnit, you're supposed to trade 
                         those, you asshole! Now, give me Pengin!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          Hey dudes.  What are those?

                                     STAN
                         What are these? They're Chinpokomon!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Huh??

                                     CARTMAN
                          You don't appear to have any Chinpokomon.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         No, but look: I just got this sweet 
                         Cyborg Bill doll.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oho, please. Cyborg Bill is so yesterday.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, like ancient history.

                                     KYLE
                         Cyborg Bill isn't cool anymore?

                                     STAN
                         No, dude!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Cyborg Bill hasn't been cool for a long 
                         time, Kyle.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Why the hell don't people tell me these 
                         things?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         It's all Chinpokomon now.

                                     STAN
                         Dude, if you collect Chinpokomon you 
                         can complete the Primary Main Objective.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         What's the Primary Main Objective?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         You don't even know what the Primary 
                         Main Objective is?
 
                                     STAN
                         The Primary Main Objective is to destroy 
                         the Evil Power.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well. what's the Evil Power?

                                     STAN
                          Ogh!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh, my God! The identity of the Evil 
                         Power won't be revealed until all Chinpokomon 
                         are collected by a Royal Crown Chinpoko 
                         Master!
 
                                     KYLE
                         What?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Duuuh!

                                     STAN
                         Kyle, get with the times, dude! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Duuuh!

                                     KYLE
                          Shit!

               [The Broflovski house. Sheila and Gerald are talking on the sofa. 
               Ike sits to Gerald's left]
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Yeah, I guess so.

                                     KYLE
                          Mom, Dad, can I have money to buy Chinpokomon?
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         What's a Chinpokomon?

                                     KYLE
                         I'm not sure.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Well, why do you need one?

                                     KYLE
                         I don't know.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         ...Well then, the answer is no, Kyle. 
                         You just got money to buy your Cyborg 
                         Bill doll.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, but Cyborg Bill is totally gay 
                         now. Please Mom? Everybody else has 
                         Chinpokomon.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Well, Kyle, that's not a reason to buy 
                         something.
 
                                     IKE
                         Neah Kyle doh.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         You see, son, fads come and go. And 
                         this "Chin-po-ko Mon" is obviously nothing 
                         more than a fad. You don't have to be 
                         a part of it. In fact, you can make 
                         an even stronger statement by saying 
                         to your peers, "I'm not going to be 
                         a part of this fad, because I'm an individual." 
                         Do you understand?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yes. Yes, I do, Dad. Now let me tell 
                         you how it works in the real world. 
                         In the real world, I can either get 
                         a Chinpokomon, or I can be the only 
                         kid without one, which singles me out, 
                         and causes the other kids to make fun 
                         of me and kick my ass.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Hm. Good point; here's $10. 

                                     KYLE
                         Thanks.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Wait, here's 20. Get one for your brother, 
                         too. 
 
                                     IKE
                         Hey, Chih-paw-ko.

               [The toy store. Kyle has just purchased a Lambtor]

                                     CASHIER
                          There you go, son. I honestly don't 
                         know what you see in these things.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Neither do I. 

                                     CASHIER
                          I guess I'll call it a night. 

                                     A VOICE
                         Chinpoko!  Buy me! Buy me!  When will 
                         you become Royal Chinpoko Master?  Hurry 
                         up and buy me.  Down with America!
 
                         
                                     CASHIER
                         What? 

                                     LAMBTOR
                         I love you. Let's be best friends, and 
                         destroy the capitalistic American government.
 
                         
                                     CASHIER
                         What the hell is goin' on here?!

               [The Cartman house, next day. The boys are engaged in a video 
               game. Again, Kyle is absent]
 
                                     KYLE
                          Hey you guys! Check out my sweet Chinpokomon 
                         doll!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, please, Chinpokomon dolls are so 
                         last week.
 
                                     KYLE
                         What?

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, dude. Don't you know? It's all 
                         about the Chinpokomon video game now. 
                         Did you bring your special Chinpokomon 
                         game controller?
 
                                     KYLE
                          Huh? No.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh, you didn't get a special Chinpokomon 
                         game controller. T-heh heh heh heh. 
                         Jehesus C-hrist!
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Chinpokomon, what is Primary Objective?
 
                         
                                     STAN, CARTMAN, KENNY
                         To destroy the Evil Power!

                                     "ASH"
                         I've got to buy all the Chinpokomon 
                         so I can destroy the Evil Power - oooh?
 
                         
                                     STAN, CARTMAN, KENNY
                         Oooh?

                                     KYLE
                         Damnit! 

                                     "ASH"
                         I've got to buy them all, so first I'd 
                         better go to Hawaii and visit Pearl 
                         Harbor.
 
                                     JAPANESE WOMAN
                          Gottai to bomb thah hahbah! Deddy? 
                         
 
                                     "ASH"
                         Go! 

                                     KENNY
                         (Hey, you guys.) 

                                     "ASH"
                         I must buy them all! I must buy them 
                         all!
 
                                     STAN, CARTMAN, KENNY
                         We must buy them all! 

                                     JAPANESE WOMAN
                          Gottai to bomb thah hahbah! 

                                     STAN
                         Dude! The video game gave Kenny a seizure.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Cool! This game rules!

               [Japan, later, Chinpokomon Company, outside. An insde shot looks 
               to the main doors as they open, and one man walks in]
 
                                     CASHIER
                         Hello-o? Ey, hello? 

                                     JAPANESE WOMAN
                          Werucome to Chinpokomon Toy Corporashon. 
                         Purease state a-name.
 
                                     CASHIER
                         Rr- Red Harris? I own a toy store in 
                         Aemrica?
 
                                     JAPANESE WOMAN
                         Purease state the puhpose-uh.

                                     RED
                         Uh, I wanna know what the hell you people 
                         are doing with these dolls, talkin' 
                         about bringin' down American government 
                         and all? 
 
                                     TALLER MAN
                         I am President Hirohito. And-ah, this 
                         is Mr. Ose.
 
                                     MR. OSE
                          Peased to meet you.

                                     PRESIDENT HIROHITO
                         We unduhstand you have big concern about 
                         our fine pro-duct.
 
                                     RED
                         Oh, eh- yes. Do you mind tellin' me 
                         what the hell this is about? 
 
                                     LAMBTOR
                         The American government lies to you! 
                         Join the fight for Japanese supremacy 
                         of the world! More to come. 
 
                                     RED
                         Well?

                                     MR. OSE
                         Uuuh.

                                     PRESIDENT HIROHITO
                         That is so sturange.  I do not a-know 
                         how this could happen. But urest assured, 
                         I will make sure  it does not happong 
                         again!
 
                                     RED
                         Well, now, come on, I don't think that 
                         that quite satisfies my-
 
                                     PRESIDENT HIROHITO
                         You are American?

                                     RED
                         Yes.

                                     PRESIDENT HIROHITO
                          Ogh! You must have very big pee-anis!
 
                         
                                     RED
                         Excuse me? I was just asking you what 
                         you're up to with these toys!
 
                                     PRESIDENT HIROHITO
                         Nothing. We are very simple people. 
                         With very small penis. Mr. Ose penis 
                         is ...especially small.
 
                                     MR. OSE
                          Uh, smuh, so small.

                                     PRESIDENT HIROHITO
                         We cannot achieve much with so small 
                         penis. But you! Americans. Wow! Penis 
                         so big! SOOO big penis!
 
                                     RED
                          Well uh, he-I guess it is a pretty 
                         good size.
 
                                     MR. OSE
                         Minata, kite kite!  This-a man has veh-ry 
                         big penis! 
 
                                     WOMAN 1
                         Take takeru o da ne? 

                                     WOMAN 2
                         Hai. 

                                     MR. OSE
                         Uh, hoh, what an-whoa immense penis-uh!
 
                         
                                     RED
                         Well, it certainly was nice meeting 
                         you folk, I just wanted to bring that 
                         little malfunction to your attention. 
                         Bye-bye now.
 
                                     PRESIDENT HIROHITO
                         Good-bye. Thank you for stopping by, 
                         with your gargantuan penis.  Dame, dame 
                         da.  Naze kono chippu wa soto ni detandaba? 
                         
 
                                     MR. OSE
                         Wa, wakarimasen, sachoo san. Mondai 
                         desu nee. 
 
                                     PRESIDENT HIROHITO
                         Sekinin shoo yobe! 

                                     MR. OSE
                         Hai. Hai, sachoo san. 

               [The Cartman house, night. Kitty roars outside. Cartman is asleep, 
               but tossing...]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I've got to buy Chinpokomon. I've got 
                         to... buy them. Must buy Chinpokomon.
 
                         
               [His Chinpokomon sends up an antenna, which sends out a signal, 
               which goes out the window and joins other signals at a point 
               in space. Then the merged signals go to a satellite, which bounces 
               them to Japan. The signals reach the Chinpokomon Toy Corporation's 
               rooftop satellite dish and split up to show each Chinpokomon 
               in its own screen on the company's video wall. President Hirohito 
               is talking to his board of directors under heavy guard]
 
                                     PRESIDENT HIROHITO
                         Amerika ni, kodomo zenbu Chinpokomon 
                         motte iru. Kore kara, "phase two" hajimete. 
                         IKIMASHOO!  The time has come! We will 
                         take Pearl Harbor!
 
                                     RANDY
                          What are you doing?

                                     SHARON
                         I'm watching one of Stanley's Chinpokomon 
                         video tapes.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Why?

                                     SHARON
                         Our son loves this show, Randy, so I 
                         think it's important that we watch it 
                         to see if it's teaching him good moral 
                         values. 
 
                                     "ASH"
                          Hey, you must be Roostor! I haven't 
                         bought one of you yet, but I'll bet 
                         you can transform into Roostallion if 
                         you found Diamond Skill 7! 
 
                                     ROOSTOR
                         Roo-oo-oostor! 

                                     "EIGHT"
                          Hey, I'm gonna take your Roostor and 
                         put it in this bag, where it will flourish 
                         or expire, depending on fate!
 
                                     "ASH"
                         Hey! Is that a good idea?

                                     "EIGHT"
                         Roostors aren't like Chuchunezumis. 
                         They haven't the heart for such endeavors.
 
                         
                                     "ASH"
                         Oooh? 

                                     RANDY
                         ...Are those good moral values?

                                     SHARON
                         I don't know what the hell they're talking 
                         about.
 
               [The Marsh house, later. Randy and Sharon watch a battle scene 
               in disbelief]
 
                                     "ASH"
                         Lambtron! You are losing the battle 
                         of your life! 
 
                                     NARRATOR
                         But Lambtron's powers also give him 
                         a good chance for a new fight. Will 
                         he succeed?
 
                                     "ASH"
                         I am sad now, because Lambtron must 
                         be very lonely because there are so 
                         few Lambtrons in the world. Will he 
                         ever find a companion?
 
                                     SHARON
                         This doesn't make sense. Are those stupid 
                         things supposed to be animals or robots 
                         or what?!
 
                                     RANDY
                         I don't know, but I suddenly kinda wanna 
                         own them all.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Randy, we can't allow our son to watch 
                         this stuff!
 
                                     RANDY
                         Well, it's not like it's vulgar or violent.
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         No, but it's incredibly stupid, and 
                         that could be worse on a child's mind 
                         than any vulgarity or violence. Remember 
                         what "Battle Of The Network Stars" did 
                         to an entire generation.
 
                                     RANDY
                          My God, you're right.

               [South Park, by Tom's Rhinoplasty, day. Cartman is strumming 
               a guitar. A sign on the case reads]
 
               Please HELP...

               Boys

               Sent to camp

                                     CARTMAN
                         Come on, brothers and sisters, we've 
                         all got to join together.
 
               Join together and give me money so I can buy more Chinpokomon!
 
               
               We've got to stop this fight and...

                                     STAN
                          How's it goin', fatass?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I haven't made any money yet.

                                     STAN
                         What?! You've been out here all weekend! 
                         How are we gonna raise money to get 
                         into the Chinpokomon camp?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ey! I'm the one who's been standing 
                         out here with this gay guitar like a 
                         God-damned hippie all weekend! What 
                         have you two assholes done?!
 
                                     STAN
                         We can't do anything. Kenny still hasn't 
                         come out of his seizure. 
 
                                     KYLE
                          I got it! I got my Chinpokomon game 
                         controller! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Jesus Tapdancing Christ! Get with the 
                         program, Kyle!
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah. Nobody plays the Chinpokomon video 
                         games anymore. Now it's all about the 
                         big weekend Chinpokomon camp.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Camp?

                                     CARTMAN
                          The makers of Chinpokomon are going 
                         town to town and putting on a special 
                         camp to show all the Chinpoko Masters 
                         how to destroy the Evil Power.
 
                                     STAN
                         You didn't know that?

                                     KYLE
                          No, uh-I knew it! I knew it. I was 
                         just testing you guys. You just wait 
                         till I get to that Chinpokomon camp! 
                         I'm gonna be the toughest master of 
                         them all! So we'll see you there, a-ight? 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, did you just say "a-ight"?

                                     KYLE
                          Yeah. You know, like Lauren Hill. A-ight?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, my God, that's so yesterday!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, dude. Nobody says "a-ight" anymore.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         What?? "A-ight"'s not cool, either?? 
                         When did that happen?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Like, eight days ago.

                                     KYLE
                         God damnit! 

               [The Marsh house, night. The TV is shown]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Hey, kids!  Only one more day till the 
                         Chinpokomon camp!  Come early and enjoy 
                         all the Chinpoko fun! 
 
                                     SINGER
                         Chinpokomon Camp!

               I've got to buy a ticket!

               I've got to buy one! A ticket!

               I've got to buy buy buy!

                                     JAPANESE WOMAN
                          It'sa Satuhday anda Sunday. You can'ta 
                         wait to go! 
 
                                     SINGER
                         Chinpoko Mon!

               [The living room. The Broflovskis, Liane, the McCormicks, and 
               the Tweeks join the Marshes. The TV clicks off, and Sharon speaks]
 
               
                                     SHARON
                         We just thought we'd bring it to everyone's 
                         attention because, honestly, we don't 
                         know how to feel.
 
                                     LIANE
                         Well, I'm letting Eric go to the camp. 
                         I mean, it seems to me this Chinpokomon 
                         thing is just another harmless fad.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Yeah. We told Kyle he could go if he 
                         did all his chores, and he did.
 
                                     RANDY
                          Now, I'm not sure this blatant commercialism 
                         is good for our boys.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Well, you know how it is, Randy. The 
                         more we forbid them to play with Chinpokomons, 
                         the more they're gonna love them.
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         You're right, Sheila. I guess the best 
                         thing we can do is just let them go 
                         until they get sick of it.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Sure. Apparently, they've been doing 
                         these camps in every city around the 
                         country; how bad can they be?
 
               [A chinpokomon camp. A huge temple looms over the crowd of kids. 
               Three huge screens display the Chinpokomon program. Soldiers 
               guard the screens and the central stairway. Stan and friends 
               move through the crowd. Several classmates are already there]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Get outta the way! Move it!

                                     STAN
                         Can you see anything? 

                                     KIDS
                         YAY!!! 

                                     STAN
                         It's starting, it's starting!

                                     SINGER
                         I've got to buy it! I've got to buy 
                         it! Chinpokomon! 
 
                                     MR. OSE
                         Attention! Attention!  This isa Chinpokomon 
                         Camp!
 
                                     KIDS
                         Chinpokomon is what we strive to be 
                         great at in our hearts!
 
                                     KYLE
                         ...our hearts.  Kenny? 

                                     MR. OSE
                         What is the Primary Main Objective?
 
                         
                                     KIDS
                         To destroy the Evil Power!

                                     KYLE
                         ...Power.

                                     MR. OSE
                         Yesuh. Anda what is the Evil Power? 
                          The Evil Power is the UNITED STATESUH 
                         GOVERNMENT! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ooooh.

                                     MR. OSE
                         United Statesuh government is the Evil 
                         Power! It hasa taken Japanese Americans! 
                         It hasa broken Japanese spirit! And 
                         what do Chinpoko Masters do to Evil 
                         Power?!
 
                                     KIDS
                         Destroy it!

                                     KYLE
                         Destroy it?

                                     MR. OSE
                         That isa correct! Now, it isa great 
                         honor to present... your Chinpoko Leaduh! 
                         Emperor Hirohito! 
 
                                     EMPEROR HIROHITO
                          Welcome to campu. Whoever passes it 
                         knows and honors that the greatness 
                         of Japan is in its history, and it is 
                         based on that history that we shall 
                         again rise to the dominant world powuh!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Is this cool or not? I can't tell.
 
                         
                                     EMPEROR HIROHITO
                         It is again time for the Rising Sun 
                         to sit tall in the sight! One Japan! 
                         One society! 
 
                                     MR. OSE
                         We will begin witha language anda exercise 
                         skills. Hajimete!! 
 
                                     INSTRUCTORS
                          Ichi, ni, san, shi! 

                                     KIDS
                         Ichi, ni, san, shi! Ichi, ni, san, shi!
 
                         
               [South Park Elementary, Mr. Garrison's class. The kids are chatting 
               away happily in Japanese. All have anime expressions]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay, children, I want it quiet!  Now, 
                         we're gonna try this again until we 
                         get it right! What is 6 x 3?
 
                                     STAN
                         Juuhachi desu ka? 

                                     CLASS
                         Juuhachi da nee! 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         NO, GOD DAMNIT, IT'S 18!

                                     STAN
                         Juuhachi is 18, Garrison-san.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         For the last time, my name is not Garrison-san, 
                         all right?! And this is not Hat-san! 
                         And you all better start talking in 
                         a manner that I can understand!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Wuu, Garrison-san sabuchii dana! 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         What did he say?!

                                     STAN
                         He said, "Garrison-san sabuchii da naa!"
 
                         
                                     CLASS
                         Soo desu nee! 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Damnit, this is not Japan!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Minata! Kite kite, churi- 

                                     WENDY
                         Dare ga pu shita no. 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Aaaaah! 

               [City Hall, the Mayor's Office. The parents are gathered in it]
 
               
                                     MAYOR
                         People, please! We can only speak one 
                         at a time. Now, Mr. Garrison, you were 
                         saying...
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I can't take it, Mayor. You have to 
                         put an end to this Chinpoko Camp.
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                          My son hasn't made any sense in days.
 
                         
                                     FR. MAXI
                         I tell you, Mayor, these Japanese are 
                         trying to change our American children 
                         somehow!
 
                                     MAYOR
                         Alright, people, Mr. Hirohito and Mr. 
                         Ose were nice emough to stop by to talk 
                         to you. Gentlemen? 
 
                                     PRESIDENT HIROHITO
                         We at the Japan Toy Compnay are vetty 
                         cohncerned about-a your cohncerns. That 
                         is why we make Chinpokomon camp.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Well, how is it good?! We don't understand 
                         what the point of your product is!
 
                         
                                     PRESIDENT HIROHITO
                         There is nothing to worry about. We 
                         at Japan Toy Compnay are in awe of your 
                         large penis.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         What?

                                     PRESIDENT HIROHITO
                         You see, Japanese penis so small 

                                     MR. OSE
                          So-eh small.

                                     PRESIDENT HIROHITO
                         You Americans have such humungous burbous 
                         penis.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well, uh-I guess that's true.

                                     MR. OSE
                         Oh, suh-n nice-a big penis American.
 
                         
                                     PRESIDENT HIROHITO
                         What can we possubruh do with such small 
                         penis? We cannot take over your city, 
                         filled witha men awith such mastodonic 
                         penis.
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Huwell, uh he's got a point there.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Well, I guess that settles that.

                                     FR. MAXI
                         We're sorry we took your time, gentlemen.
 
                         
                                     PRESIDENT HIROHITO
                          Oh, no. Thank you. Another chance to 
                         be in same room with big American penis. 
                         
 
                                     MR. OSE
                         Uh, uh, my penis so small. 

                                     FR. MAXI
                         Nice guys. 

               [City Hall, outside the Mayor's Office.]

                                     PRESIDENT HIROHITO
                         Jikan ganai. Suberi maratsuba. Sukash. 
                         Simenu bi faamo werosii kowai samaneba. 
                         
 
               [City Hall, the Mayor's Office. The men and women have split 
               into two groups by gender. Sharon speaks]
 
                                     SHARON
                         So, what are we going to do about our 
                         children?  Aah, hello-o?
 
                                     MAYOR
                         O-kay, people. I know this Chinpuku 
                         Man fad is causing a lot of problems. 
                         But I think we've already found a solution.
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                         You have?

                                     MAYOR
                         Children are fickle.  All we have to 
                         do is come up with a new fad. We find 
                         the next toy and turn them all onto 
                         it as soon as possible.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Of course! That's a great idea!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         But what toy?

               [South Park Market Research Laboratories, a nondescrpt building. 
               A big-screen TV is shown, flanked by two lab techs. Then a sofa 
               is shown, with Kyle, Stan, Cartman, Kenny, and Butters]
 
                                     LAB TECH 1
                         Alright, boys, we're going to show you 
                         a couple of comemrcials, and you tell 
                         us which toy interests you the most. 
                         Now, watch carefully. 
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Hey, kids. Do you like Chinpokomon?
 
                         
                                     BOYS
                         Yeah!

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Well then, you're gonna go wild for 
                          Wild Wacky Action Bike! 
 
                                     SINGER
                         Wild Wacky Action Bike! The bike that's 
                         hard to ride!
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                          Wild Wacky Action Bike is almost impossible 
                         to steer. And look: it glows in the 
                         dark!
 
                                     SINGER
                         Goin' to try to ride all day long, but 
                         I'm goin' to fail
 
               'Cause it's Wild Wacky Action Bike!

                                     BOY
                          Man. 

                                     SINGER
                         You get about in, you get about in Wild 
                         Wacky Action Bike!
 
                                     BOY
                         Aaaaa-agh! 

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Wild Wacky Action Bike comes with everything 
                         you see here. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         ...Gay.

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, dude. That was totally gay.

                                     LAB TECH 1
                         Ooh.  Wuh-okay, here's the next one.
 
                         
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Hey, kids. Do you like Chinpokomon?
 
                         
                                     BOYS
                         Yeah!

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Well then, you're gonna love... Alabama 
                         Man! 
 
                                     SINGER
                         Alabama Man! He's quick, he's strong, 
                         he's happ'nin'
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         You can take Alabama Man to the bowling 
                         alley, where he drinks heavily and chews 
                         tobacco. 
 
                                     BOY 1
                          Wow! He can bowl. 

                                     SINGER
                         He can bowl, he can drink, he can drink 
                         and bowl. Alaba-ma Man.
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         When his wife asks him where he's been, 
                         just use the action button , and Alabama 
                         Man busts her lip open.
 
                                     BOY 1
                          Shut up, bitch! 

                                     BOY 2
                         Wow!

                                     SINGER
                         He beat the wife and sleeps it off. 
                         Alabama Man!
 
                                     BOYS 1 & 2
                         I wanna be just like Alabama man.

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Alabama Man comes with everything you 
                         see here. Wife sold separately.
 
                                     BOY 2
                         I thought I told you to shut up! 

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Not all people from Alabama are wife-beaters. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Gay.

                                     STAN
                         Totally gay.

                                     KYLE
                         Liberace gay.

                                     LAB TECH 1
                          Oooh, dear. Well, let's keep trying. 
                         How about this? 
 
               [South Park, next weekend. The adults are lined up on either 
               side of Main Street as Mr. Ose leads the kids through the town. 
               Japanese flags, a poster of President Hirohito, and red flags 
               are being paraded]
 
                                     MR. OSE
                         Owatta! 

                                     KIDS
                         Beikoku! 

                                     MR. OSE
                         Owatta!

                                     KIDS
                         Beikoku!

                                     MR. OSE
                         Owatta!

                                     KIDS
                         Beikoku! Nihon en ima hajimaru! 

                                     MR. OSE
                         Owatta!

                                     SHARON
                         Stan?

                                     KIDS
                         Beikoku!

                                     SHARON
                         Stan, it's Mommy! 

                                     MR. OSE
                         Owatta!

                                     KIDS
                         Beikoku!

                                     MR. OSE
                         Owatta!

                                     SHARON
                         Stanley,-

                                     KIDS
                         Beikoku!

                                     SHARON
                         -you need to come home right now.

                                     MR. OSE
                         Owatta!

                                     KIDS
                         Beikoku!

                                     SHARON
                         Mommy misses you.

                                     MR. OSE
                         Owatta!

                                     KIDS
                         Beikoku!

                                     SHARON
                         Stanley, I'm talking to you!

                                     MR. OSE
                         Owatta!

                                     KIDS
                         Beikoku!  Ooh?

                                     SHARON
                          Stan, please, come home!

                                     STAN
                         Kore wa watashi no uchi desu. 

                                     KIDS
                         So desu nee. 

                                     MR. OSE
                         Ooh?  Do not worry. Everything isa okay.
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         No it's not okay!

                                     MR. OSE
                         Oh, but-a you have-a such large penis-uh. 
                         
 
                                     SHARON
                         What?

                                     MR. OSE
                         Your penis, WOW!  O-oh.

                                     PRESIDENT HIROHITO
                         What he means is that all men in this 
                         town have very large penis. 
 
                                     SHARON
                         Can't you see what's happening?! They're 
                         just using that talk to distract you! 
                         He doesn't really have a small penis!
 
                         
                                     PRESIDENT HIROHITO
                         Misenasai! 

                                     SHARON
                         Oh! 

                                     MR. OSE
                         Owatta!

                                     KIDS
                         Beikoku!

                                     MR. OSE
                         Owatta!

                                     KIDS
                         Beikoku!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Oh God, is there nothing we can do?
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                          Wait a minute. Wait a minute, I think 
                         I know the answer! I know how to get 
                         our kids to stop liking Chinpokomon! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         How?

                                     SHARON
                         Come on! We don't have much time! 
 
                         
               [Washington, DC, the White House.]

                                     REPORTER
                         And now, for a special annoucement from 
                         the President of the United States.
 
                         
                                     PRESIDETN CLINTON
                          My fellow Americans, I wish to address 
                         the concerns many of us have over the 
                         growing number of Japanese military 
                         bases forming in the United States. 
                         The new Japanese emperor, Hirohito, 
                         has made our own children into fighter 
                         pilots who will soon fly to Hawaii and 
                         attack Pearl Harbor. I spoke with Mr. 
                         Hirohito this morning, and he assured 
                         me that I have a very large penis. He 
                         said it was mammoth, dinosauric, and 
                         absolutely dwarfed his penis, which, 
                         he assured me, was nearly microscopic 
                         in size. My penis, he said, was most 
                         likely one of the biggest on the planet. 
                         I applaud Mr. Hirohito in his honesty. 
                         Thank you.
 
               [A Japanese military base. Eighteen planes and 39 troops are 
               seen. The kids stand at attention. Kyle is missing]
 
                                     MR. OSE
                         Your plane will fly autopilot to Pearl 
                         Harbor! When you arrive you will drop 
                         many bombs!
 
                                     KIDS
                         Hai, sachoo-san 

                                     STAN
                         Nan da kore? 

                                     RANDY
                         Chinpoko ga dai-suki yoo! 

                                     STAN
                         What?

                                     RANDY
                         Uh we just came to support you. We love 
                         Chinpokomon, too. It's super toy, number 
                         1!
 
                                     STAN
                         You like it?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         You bet. I think Chinpokoman is chinpokorrific. 
                         I got Shoe.
 
                                     LIANE
                         Come on, Eric. Let's try to battle your 
                         Roostor with my Donkeytron.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh... no, that's okay, Mom.

                                     PRESIDENT HIROHITO
                         Whar are they doing?!

                                     MR. OSE
                         It's a trick!

                                     RANDY
                         Hey, Stan, look at my new bumper sticker. 
                          Isn't that cool?
 
                                     STAN
                          No.  Screw this, dude. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Where are you going, Stan?

                                     STAN
                         Huh, I don't know. Chinpokomon just 
                         doesn't seem that cool anymore. I'm 
                         gonna go kill some ants or something. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Wait for me, I wanna get out of these 
                         stupid clothes. 
 
                                     OTHER KIDS
                         Yeah. Me too! Me too. 

                                     PRESIDENT HIROHITO
                          Ooooh!

                                     RANDY
                         Well, you were right, Sharon. The best 
                         way to make our kids not like something 
                         is to like it ourselves.
 
                                     SHARON
                         That's right. Anything we like is instantly 
                         not cool.  We know how to take them 
                         out, Mr. Garrison! Spread the word! 
                         Get on the wire to every parent around 
                         the country and tell them how to bring 
                         those sons of bitches down! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Hey, Mom, I'm sorry I went a little 
                         nutty with that Chinpokomon stuff. Can 
                         I have $5 to buy a football?
 
                                     SHARON
                         You bet, Stanley! 

                                     KYLE
                         Owatta Beikoku! 

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Kyle, it's over!

                                     KYLE
                         But I'm gonna be Royal Crown Chinpokomon 
                         Master!
 
                                     STAN
                          Dude, Chinpokomon isn't cool anymore.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         What?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, dude, that's way over. 

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, you're just jealous because I'm 
                         Chinpoko Master!
 
                                     STAN
                         No, Kyle. You see, we learned something 
                         today. This whole Chinpokomon thing 
                         happened because we all followed the 
                         group. We only liked Chinpokomon because 
                         everyone else did. And look at the damage 
                         it caused.
 
                                     KYLE
                         So now I should stop liking Chinpokoman 
                         because you all don't?
 
                                     STAN
                         ...Ye-eah.

                                     KYLE
                         But if I stop now, I'll just be going 
                         with the group again. So, to be an individual, 
                         I have to bomb Pearl Harbor. See ya. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh. Wait.  Actually, I was wrong. You 
                         see, Kyle, I learned something, just 
                         now. It is good to go with the group. 
                         A group mentality is healthy, sometimes.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Aw, screw it; I'm too confused. 

                                     RANDY
                         Well, I'm sure glad this is all over.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hey, get offa him! He's not dead yet!
 
                         
               [The bus stop, next day. The four boys are waiting. The rats 
               return and crawl all over Kenny]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Nnno! Get off, you stupid rats! He's 
                         not dead yet!
 
                                     RANDY
                         Hey, you guys wanna go to the toy store 
                         after school and get some Spaceman Greg 
                         cards?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Naw, I think I'm through with fads for 
                         a while.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Me, too.  I'm choosing my own toys from 
                         now on, 'cause- 
 
                                     STAN
                         What the-? 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ooooh-ho-ho-ho, gro-hoss! 

               [End of Chinpoko Mon]

Chinpokomon



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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