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ALL SCRIPTS





                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                     Episode 709


                                "CHRISTIAN ROCK HARD"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [Stan and the boys are in the Marsh garage belting out tunes, 
               but their musical styles are scattered. Cartman sings lead, Stan 
               and Kyle on are guitars, Kenny is on the drums]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         God damnit! 

                                     RANDY
                          Stan, are you okay?

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, dad. We're just rehearsing our 
                         band. 
 
                                     RANDY
                         Ooohhh, I thought a group of Vietnamese 
                         people were having their intestines 
                         pulled out through their mouths. 
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Heheheheheh heheheheheh.

                                     KYLE
                         He's right, dude. We have to define 
                         our style if we're ever going to make 
                         a platinum album. I mean, ah I'm a fusion 
                         guy, but Kenny's background is more 
                         Latin Jazz.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (What? Is it?)

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, and I'm more hip-hop and R-and-B 
                         oriented. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         I think out band better buy a whole 
                         bunch of music CDs to listen to for 
                         inspiration.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Inspiration. Wait a minute,  that's 
                         it. Inspiration, you guys. Don't you 
                         see?
 
                                     STAN
                         See what?

                                     CARTAMN
                          Our band should play Christian rock! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Christian rock?!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Think about it! It's the easiest crappiest 
                         music in the world, right? If we just 
                         play songs about how much we love Jesus, 
                         all the Christiand will buy our crap!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         That's a retarded idea, Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                          It worked for Creed!

                                     STAN
                         I don't wanna be in a stupid Christian 
                         rock band!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          You just start that way, Stan, then 
                         you cross over. It's genious!
 
                                     KYLE
                          Just get the hell out of here, Cartman! 
                         You're not serious and you're a detriment 
                         to the band!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh yeah?! I will bet you ten bucks that 
                         if I start a Christian rock band that 
                         I can get a platinum album before you 
                         guys do!
 
                                     KYLE
                         You're on, fat boy!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, fine! Ready?! First one to have 
                         a platinum album wins! Go! 
 
                                     KYLE
                          What a stupid asshole!

               [The neighborhood, day. Cartman runs through the streets. He 
               appears over a rise on one of the streets]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Platinum album! Platinum album! Gotta 
                         make a platinum album before Kyle! 
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh, hi Eric.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Butters! Get your drum set and meet 
                         me at my house! We have to make a platinum 
                         album! Hurry, Butters! 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          ...Ohhh!

               [Token's mansion. Cartman runs up to the front door]

                                     CARTMAN
                         No time to waste! Platinum album! Must 
                         beat Kyle!  Token! Get the bass guitar 
                         out of your basement and meet me over 
                         at my house! 
 
                                     TOKEN
                         What?! We don't have a bass guitar.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Your family's black, Token! There's 
                         bound to be a bass guitar in your basement 
                         somewhere! 
 
               [Cartman's house. He and Butters are in the living room. Cartman 
               is at the piano, Butters is on drums.]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Whoa, you sure seem with it, Eric. You 
                         must have some... ih-inspiration.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes, the tears of Kyle Broflovski when 
                         he loses his ten dollars to me. 
 
                                     TOKEN
                          Hey, there was a bass guitar in my 
                         basement.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I told you, Token.

                                     TOKEN
                         So, what are we doing?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Gentlemen, we are about to embark on 
                         the most amazing, life-affirming, financially-windfalling 
                         experiences of our young lives.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Wow!

                                     CARTMAN
                         We are going to start... a Christian 
                         rock band.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Awww.

                                     TOKEN
                          I'm out. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Wait!  Walk out that door, Token, and 
                         you'll regret it the rest of your life! 
                         Christians have a built-in audience 
                         of over one hundred and eighty million 
                         Americans! If each one of them buys 
                         just one of our albums at twelve dollars 
                         and ninety-five cents that would be- 
                         
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Two billion, three hundred and thirty 
                         one million dollars.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Still want to leave, Token?  Thank you.
 
                         
               [The Broflovski house, living room. Gerald and Sheila are on 
               the sofa. Gerald reads a book, Sheila is knitting]
 
                                     KYLE
                          Dad, can I borrow three hundred dollars?
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Three hundred dollars?? What in the 
                         world for??
 
                                     KYLE
                         Our band can't find a stylistic direction 
                         to go in. We need to go down to the 
                         mall to buy hundreds of CDs to listen 
                         to so we can define our sound.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Sorry Kyle, we gave you your allowance 
                         already.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Ugh. Can't you see this is my dream?? 
                         Music is my life!
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         It wasn't your life yesterday. 

                                     KYLE
                         Hold it.  Pops, I've got the music inside 
                         me. It's in my soul. And I know my place 
                         is up on that stage. I'm gonna make 
                         it to the top. And I just want your 
                         blessing, Pops.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         The answer is no, Kyle.

                                     KYLE
                         Aw, come on Dad, don't be such a Jew!
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Kyle, don't belittle your own people!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          Aaaargh! 

                                     STAN
                         Hey dude.

                                     KYLE
                         It didn't work! My stupid Jew dad won't 
                         lend me money for CDs!
 
                                     STAN
                         No, dude, it's cool. Kenny says you 
                         can download music for free on the Internet!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Really?

                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah!)

                                     STAN
                         You got a computer?

               [Stan's Dad's den, moments later. The boys are at the computer. 
               Stan works the keyboard as Kyle and Kenny watch.]
 
                                     STAN
                         See? Everyone on the Internet copies 
                         their music from their CDs, and then 
                         we can download them for free and play 
                         them on the computer!
 
                                     KYLE
                         All right, cool.  Let's donwload some 
                         Metallica, and some Stevie Wonder. 
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Oh you forgot to get some Judas Priest.)
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Kenny's right. We should download some 
                         Judas Priest, too.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Judas Priest.  Wow! Downloading music 
                         for free is awesome! 
 
                                     STAN
                         What the hell is that?

                                     KYLE
                         I don't know.  Let me go check. 

                                     AGENT 1
                         Freeze!! FBI!! 

                                     AGENT 2
                         Down on the ground! Down on the ground! 
                         
 
                                     AGENT 3
                         Hurry up! Let me see those hands! 
 
                         
                                     AGENT 2
                          Tango Teamus to Point Bravo! Suspects 
                         in custody! 
 
                                     AGENT 4
                         Move move move move move move! All clear, 
                         men!  Get your ass going!
 
                                     AGENT 5
                         Move move move move move move! Move!
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          Kyle, what did you do?!

                                     KYLE
                          I don't know!

               [Cartman's house. He, Token and Butters begin to practice]

                                     CARTMAN
                         All right, guys, this is gonna be so 
                         easy. All we have to do to make Christian 
                         songs is take regular old songs and 
                         add Jesus stuff to them.  See? All we 
                         have to do is cross out words like "baby" 
                         and "Darling" and replace them with 
                          Jesus. All right, Butters, give me 
                         a beat.  Okay, nice. Very nice. All 
                         right, Token, give me a smooth bass 
                         line.
 
                                     TOKEN
                         I don't know how to play bass. 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Token, how many times do we have to 
                         go through this? You're black. You can 
                         play bass.
 
                                     TOKEN
                         I'm gettin' sick of your stereotypes!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Be as sick as you want, just give me 
                         a God-damned bass line! 
 
                                     TOKEN
                         God-damnit! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         All right. Nice, fellas. Nice. 

               I need you in my life, Jesus.

               I can't live without you, Jesus

               And I just want to feel you deep inside me, Jesus.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Well done!

               [United States Federal Bureau of Investigation, day. Inside, 
               a detective reviews some reports on the boys' Internet activity. 
               Stan, Kyle, and Kenny wait on the other side of the table]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                          Um, sir-

                                     DETECTIVE
                         Shiut up!!  You downloaded a lot of 
                         songs! Says here you even downlaoded 
                         Judas Priest? That's hard time you boys 
                         are lookin' at. You got anything to 
                         say for yourselves?
 
                                     KYLE
                          We d-didn't think it was that big a 
                         deal.
 
                                     DETECTIVE
                          Not a big deal! You think downloading 
                         music for free is not a big deal?! Put 
                         your couts on! I'm gonna show you something! 
                         And I don't think you're gonna like 
                         it!
 
               [A mansion, somewhere, day. The agent has taken the boys for 
               a ride and arrived here. He leads them to the main gate]
 
                                     DETECTIVE
                         This is the home of Lars Ulrich, the 
                         drummer for Metallica.  Look. There's 
                         Lars now, sitting by his pool. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         What's the matter with him?

                                     DETECTIVE
                         This month he was hoping to have a gold-plated 
                         shark tank bar installed right next 
                         to the pool, but thanks to people downloading 
                         his music for free, he must now wait 
                         a few months before he can afford it. 
                          Come. There's more.  Here's Britney 
                         Spears' private jet. Notice anything? 
                          Britney used to have a Gulfstream IV. 
                         Now she's had to sell it and get a Gulfstream 
                         III because people like you chose to 
                         download her music for free.  The Gulfstream 
                         III doesn't even have a remote control 
                         for its surround-sound DVD system. Still 
                         think downloading music for free is 
                         no big deal?
 
                                     KYLE
                         We... didn't realize what we were doing, 
                         eh...
 
                                     DETECTIVE
                         That is the folly of man. Now look in 
                         this window.  Here you see the loving 
                         family of Master P.  Next week is his 
                         son's birthday and, all he's ever wanted 
                         was an island in French Polynesia. 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         So, he's gonna get it, right?

                                     DETECTIVE
                         I see an island without an owner. If 
                         things keep going the way they are, 
                         the child will not get his tropical 
                         paradise.
 
                                     STAN
                          We're sorry! We'll, we'll never download 
                         music for free again!
 
                                     DETECTIVE
                          Man must learn to think of these horrible 
                         outcomes before he acts selfishly or 
                         else... I fear... recording artists 
                         will be forever doomed to a life of 
                         only semi-luxury.
 
               [Some bluffs by a beach, dawn. Cartman, Token and Butters scramble 
               over some boulders to get to the beach. Seagulls fly overhead]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Almost there, you guys.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Ow...

                                     TOKEN
                         Why the hell did you tell us to dress 
                         nice to take us out here?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Because, Token, we have to take pictures 
                         for our album cover.  The key to a hot-selling 
                         Christian album is a flashy inspirational 
                         album cover.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Wow, neato! An album cover! 

                                     TOKEN
                          This Christian album better make as 
                         much money as you said it would, tubby!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          I'm going to kill you one day, Token.
 
                         
                                     TOKEN
                          What did you say?! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Nothing. All right, guys, stand over 
                         there and look wholesome and cool. I 
                         have a timer on this thing so I can 
                         get in the shot too. 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Cheese!

                                     CARTMAN
                         No no no! Haven't you guys ever seen 
                         an album cover? You're supposed to be 
                         standing in random places, looking away 
                         like you don't care! 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Cheese!

                                     CARTMAN
                         No! Butters, you can't look happy on 
                         the album cover! That's not cool!
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh...

                                     CARTMAN
                         Token, look away to the right.  More. 
                          More!
 
                                     TOKEN
                          Why the hell would I be looking way 
                         over there??
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         So it looks like you're too cool to 
                         care that you're on an album cover, 
                         you black asshole! Now just hold it! 
                          Our first album cover. 
 
               Don't ever leave me, Jesus. I couldn't stand to see you go.
 
               
               My heart would simply snap, my Lord, if you walked on out that 
               door.
 
               I promise I'll be good to you, and keep you warm at night.

               Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, why don't we just... shut off the lights.
 
               
               [The FBI building, next day. The parents have shown up to retrieve 
               the boys]
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Thanks for releasing them to us, detective. 
                         Sorry for all the trouble they caused.
 
                         
                                     DETECTIVE
                         It's all right. I think these boys learned 
                         their lesson.
 
                                     STAN
                         Boy, I'll say!

                                     DETECTIVE
                         If you parents will just step over here, 
                         you can pay their four hundred dollar 
                         release and penalty fees.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Four hundred dollars? Just for downloading 
                         some songs off the Internet? It's not 
                         that big a deal.
 
                                     DETECTIVE
                         Not a big deal, huh?! Come with me! 
                         I'm gonna show you something! And I 
                         don't think you're gonna like it! 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Wugh, dude. I can't wait to just go 
                         back home and get back to band practice.
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah)

                                     KYLE
                         No! Didn't you guys learn anything? 
                         Look, if we make an album, all that's 
                         gonna happen is that people are gonna 
                         steal our songs for free off the Internet. 
                         We won't make a dime!
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh yeah.

                                     KYLE
                         Until we get people to stop downloading 
                         music for free, I say we refuse to play!
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah!)

                                     FIELD REPORTER
                         Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, 
                         where the rock band, MOOP, has refused 
                         to play. The strike started yesterday 
                         and could go well into next week.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh hey guys. How's it going?

                                     KYLE
                         We're not letting you back in the band, 
                         Cartman! Fuck off!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          I don't wanna be in your crappy band, 
                         guys. I just wanted to let you know, 
                         the album for my Christian rock band, 
                          Faith + 1, is about to go platinum.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         It is?? 

                                     CARTMAN
                         That's right. We already sold thirteen 
                         copies. You wanna pay me that ten-dollar 
                         bet, Kyle? Nyanyanyanya nya nya!  Hahahaha 
                         ha ha!
 
                                     KYLE
                         You get a platinum album for selling 
                         one million copies, you fat turd!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         It's just a matter of time, my friends. 
                         This weekend is Christfest. The single 
                         largest gathering of Christians in the 
                         Midwest. Each one of them a walkng, 
                         praying wallet full of cash. And I'll 
                         be there selling my album.
 
                                     KYLE
                         You'll never get a platinum album doing 
                         Christian rock, Cartman! It was a stupid 
                         idea then, and it's a stupid idea now!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, you don't even know anything about 
                         Christianity.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I know enough to exploit it. Just get 
                         that ten bucks ready, Kyle. Tata! 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Go ahead! People will just download 
                         your songs for free on the Internet 
                         anyways!
 
                                     STAN
                         What a dumbass. Our band is way cooler 
                         than his.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah.)

               [Christ-fest, night. A stadium's parking lot is crowded with 
               all sorts of booths selling stuff.]
 
                                     T-SHIRT VENDOR
                         Psalm T-Shirts! Get a T-Shirt with your 
                         favorite psalm!
 
                                     BIBLE VENDOR
                         Leather-bound bibles. Show your faith.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes, it's really the best Christian 
                         album that's evern been produced, actually..
 
                         
                                     ELDERLY WOMAN
                         Oh, this will be great for my grandchildren. 
                         They need hip cool music, but with inspirational 
                         lyrics.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          I think that's what the whole world 
                         needs, praise Christ.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Huh we're not really Christians, we're 
                         just pretendin' we are. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Butters, remind me later to cut your 
                         balls off.
 
                                     MC
                          All right, everyone! Welcome to Christfest 
                         2003!  are you ready for some live music? 
                         
 
                                     A MAN
                         Yeah Jesus!

                                     MC
                         Then let's give it up now for one of 
                         Christian rock's biggest bands! Trinity! 
                         
 
                                     TRINITY
                         The Shepherd and the Light, and His 
                         Word lifted me up
 
               And I praise His Holy Name wherever I go.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Damnit! If we're gonna sell our hot 
                         Christian album, we have got to get 
                         on that stage! 
 
                                     BAND MEMBER 1
                         Hey is this the way to the backstage?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Who are you?

                                     BAND MEMBER 1
                         We're the band Sanctified. We play metal 
                         and punk, but with lyrics that inspire 
                         faith in Christ.
 
                                     BAND MEMBER 2
                         Yeah. We proved that Christian music 
                         can be tough and hard core.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, you guys are real hard core.
 
                         
                                     BAND MEMBER 1
                         You bet your gosh-darned rear end we 
                         are!
 
                                     STAGE HAND
                          All right, uhh, Sanctified, you guys 
                         are up next.
 
                                     BAND MEMBER 3
                         Yeah! Let's do it!

                                     BAND MEMBER 2
                         Sent down from Heaven! The Spirit and 
                         the Glory!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Eh hey guys, wait, uh, ..we wannaaa 
                         play with you before you go onstage.
 
                         
                                     BAND MEMBER 2
                         Well, that, that's cool.

                                     BAND MEMBER 1
                         Always good to be praying before you're 
                         playin'.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Let's just go over here so we can hear 
                         ourselves better.  Lord, Father in Heaven, 
                         we thank you for all your blessings 
                         and we... 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hey, Eric, I don't think they can get 
                         out. 
 
                                     MC
                         All right, Christians, how are you feeling 
                         tonight? 
 
                                     FANS
                         Praise Jesus! Praise him! My Lord!
 
                         
                                     MC
                         Let's keep this salvation train going 
                         with the hot band, Sanctified!
 
                                     STAGE HAND
                          That's Faith + 1.

                                     MC
                         Uh. Uh apparently there's been a change. 
                         Give it up for ... Faith + 1! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You know, Jesus? I've been thinking 
                         a lot about you lately and, well, that's 
                         why I wrote this song.
 
               I love you, Jesus. I want you to walk with me

               [the fans sway back and forth]

               I'll take good care of you baby. Call you my baby, baby!

               You died for my sins, and you know that I would die for you, 
               right?
 
               What's the matter, baby? You tremble at Jesus, baby!

               Your love... is my life! You know when Iím without you, there's 
               a black hole in my life! Oo-ohhh!
 
               I wanna believe. It's all right, 'cause I get lonely in the night 
               and it's up to you to
 
               Save me! Jee...sus...bay-by!

               [Kyle's house, day. The MOOP boys are still sitting on the steps, 
               sulking, striking]
 
                                     STAN
                          Dude, I didn't know being in a band 
                         was gonna be this tough.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, it's tough. But it's times like 
                         these that... you see what your band 
                         is made of. We've gotta fight through 
                         the rough times like Journey!
 
                                     FIELD REPORTER
                          Tom, we're now entering the second 
                         day of the rock band MOOP's refusal 
                         to play, and the second day of absolutely 
                         no other news to report on. In a recent 
                         poll we asked people if MOOP's refusal 
                         to play would stop them from downloading 
                         music off the Internet. One percent 
                         said yes. Two percent said no. And ninety-seven 
                         percent said, "Who the hell is MOOP?!" 
                         Back to you, Tom.
 
                                     LARS ULRICH
                          Hey, are you the guys protesting free 
                         Internet music downloading?
 
                                     STAN
                          Hey, it's that Lars Ulrich guy!

                                     LARS ULRICH
                         That's right. Metallica is behind you 
                         dudes a thousand percent!
 
                                     JAMES HETFIELD
                         We're gonna sit here and protest with 
                         you until free downloadin' stop, hyeah!
 
                         
                                     FIELD REPORTER
                         Tom, it appears now the musicians' strike 
                         is growing! As I'm speaking, more musicians 
                         are arriving! It looks like Alanis Morissette, 
                         Blink 182, Britney Spears, and dozens 
                         of others are going to join MOOP in 
                         not playing music. This is a veritable 
                         Strikapalooza!
 
               [Faith Records. Doves fly across the view. The building is bathed 
               in bright sunlight]
 
                                     CEO
                         Guys, we here at Faith Records were 
                         very moved by your performance at Christfest. 
                         You're one of the most talented Christian 
                         rock bands we've ever heard!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Thank you so much. Christ has really 
                         blessed us with talent.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Heeheeheeyeah.

                                     EXECUTIVE 1
                          We just have one question, though. 
                         We were looking over some of your lyrics, 
                         uh... "I want to walk hand-in-hand with 
                         Jesus on a private beach for two./I 
                         want him to nibble on my ear and say 
                         'I'm here for you.'" Ih it seams you 
                         really love Christ.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes, we sure do.

                                     EXECUTIVE 1
                         Eh no but ih it appears you are actually... 
                         in love with Christ. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Well what are you saying? That, that 
                         you don't really love Christ??
 
                                     EXECUTIVE 1
                          Well uh of course I do. I mean I just-
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well what's the difference?! You love 
                         Christ, you're in love with Christ, 
                         I mean, uh, what the heck is this??
 
                         
                                     EXECUTIVE 1
                         Uh, we'd just like to make sure the 
                         bands we sign are in it for God, and 
                         not for the money.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I resent that, sir! I have never in 
                         my life done anything just for the money! 
                         If I'm lying may the Lord strike me 
                         down right now.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Uhm, oh. 

                                     EXECUTIVE 1
                         That's- all we needed to know. Just, 
                         sign here and we'll get your album sold.
 
                         
               [Commercial. A partly-cloudy sky is shown]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         K-tal Records  presents the most inspirational 
                         Christian rock band in the world! Faith 
                         + 1,  featuring the very best in good, 
                         wholesome Christian music.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh Lord you are my Savior! You know 
                         I miss you so much when you are gone.
 
                         
                                     ANNOUNCER
                          With great inspirational songs like 
                         "I Wasn't Born Again Yesterday," ""
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes I may be born again, but I was wasn't 
                         born again yesterday. I wanna get down 
                         on my knees and start pleasing Jesus! 
                         I wanna feel his salvation all over 
                         my face!
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                          The CD is filled with instant classics. 
                         Who doesn't remember... 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         The Body of Christ! Sleek swimmer's 
                         body, all muscled up and toned!
 
               The Body of Christ! O, Lord Almighty, I wish I could call it 
               my own! You're one time, two times, three times my Savior... 
               Whenever I see Jesus up on that Cross I can't help but think 
               that he looks kinda hot...
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                          This album is not available in stores 
                         and limited quantities are available, 
                         so order now!
 
               [Kyle's house, day. Various musical acts, some of them from Chef 
               Aid, have gathered to strike agains free music donwloads with 
               MOOP, including the Lord of the Underworld.]
 
                                     STAN
                         I can't take this much longer. Maybe 
                         we're just, not cut out to be in a band.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         You guys, we can't give up on our dreams 
                         now! As soon as this strike ends, we're 
                         gonna be the biggest band ever!
 
                                     LARS
                         Yeah, if we all give in now, people 
                         might never stop downloading our music 
                         for free!
 
                                     KYLE
                         I'm sure we're gonna get word any minute 
                         that people have agreed to stop. 
 
                         
                                     DRIVER
                         Certified letter for the rock band MOOP?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          That's us!  "Dear MOOP. This letter 
                         is to inform you that Faith Plus One's 
                         debut album has just sold one million 
                         copies."
 
                                     STAN
                         What??

                                     KYLE
                         "We cordially invite you to attend the 
                         platinum album award ceremony, which 
                         will be held tomorrow morning at ten. 
                         Details and proof of sales enclosed. 
                         P.S. Nananana na na. Hahahaha ha ha." 
                          He did it. Cartman got a platinum album.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Is this for real?? This is for real!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         He beat us. Because all this time we've 
                         been so caught up with how to protect 
                         our music that we forgot to just play.
 
                         
                                     LARS
                         But why play if we're not gonna make 
                         millions of dollars.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Because that's what real artists do. 
                         People are always gonna find a way to 
                         copy our music and swap it for free. 
                         If we're real musicians, then we should 
                         just play and be stoked that so many 
                         people are listening.
 
                                     STAN
                          Beside, maybe our sound would have 
                         gotten downloaded for free, but if they 
                         were good songs then people still would 
                         have bought tickets to see our band 
                         in concert. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         From now on, MOOP isn't about money. 
                         MOOP is about music! We're not striking 
                         anymore! Who's with us?! 
 
                                     BRITNEY
                         ...We're just about the money.

                                     OTHER ACTS
                         Yeah, yeah.

                                     KYLE
                          Oh.

                                     STAN
                         So... Dude, what are you gonna do about 
                         your bet with Cartman. Are you- gonna 
                         pay 'im?
 
                                     KYLE
                         I don't have a choice, dude. I'm gonna 
                         swallow my pride, face Cartman, and 
                         say "Congratulations. You were right" 
                         And I'm gonna give him the ten dollars. 
                         And hopefully, he won't make a big deal 
                         out of it.
 
               [Platinum album award ceremony, South Park, next day. Cartman 
               has spent plenty of money to make this possible. He brings forth 
               a parade complete with elephants, clowns, jugglers, a marching 
               band, carnival rides, the works. Cartman stands on stage with 
               Token and Butters before a curtain with a large image of his 
               album cover printed on it]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Welcome! Welcome everyone! Please enjoy! 
                         The presentation should begin shortly.
 
                         
                                     TOKEN
                         Cartman, what the hell is all this?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Our platinum album ceremony. I spared 
                         no expense.
 
                                     TOKEN
                         But you spent all the money we made!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         We're Faith Plus One, Token, there'll 
                         be plenty more money. Relax and enjoy, 
                         black asshole.  There's hors d'oeuvres 
                         and drinks by the Ferris wheel, everyone! 
                          Oh Kyle, guys, so nice to see you!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Let's just get this over with, Cartman. 
                         You won the bet, here's ten dollars.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh nonononono, not yet, Kyle. Hold 
                         on.  Everyone! Everyone, can I have 
                         your attention please? 
 
                                     A FAN
                         We like to praise Christ!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes, yes, thank you thank you. Praise 
                         Him. I think we're ready to start now. 
                         
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                          Welcome to the presentation ceremony 
                         for Faith Plus One.  And now to present 
                         the award, here's Michael Collins. 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         This is the worse day of my life.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ahhh, this is the best day of my life. 
                         
 
                                     MICHAEL COLLINS
                         Boys, in recognition for over one million 
                         records sold, the Christian Recording 
                         Industry is please to present you with 
                         this Myrrh album. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Thank you very uh- wah? Myrrh album?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         I thought albums win either gold or 
                         platinum.
 
                                     MICHAEL COLLINS
                         Nono, in Christian rock, our albums 
                         go gold and frankincense and myrrh. 
                         Congratulations!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Ha! Our bet was that you would get a 
                         platinum album, not a myrrh album! I 
                         don't owe you anything, fat boy!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You mean to tell me I could never get 
                         a platinum album with a Christian rock 
                         band?!
 
                                     MICHAEL COLLINS
                         No, but you can go double myrrh. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         GOD DAMNIT!! 

                                     MICHAEL COLLINS
                          Oh, please don't take the Lord's Name 
                         in vain.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Who cares?! I can never win my bet because 
                         you stupid assholes don't give out platinum 
                         albums!
 
                                     MICHAEL COLLINS
                         But you spread the Word of the Lord. 
                         You've brought faith in Jesus.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         OH, FUCK JESUS!! 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Eric, I-I'm pretty sure you shouldn't 
                         say the F-word about-uh Jesus.
 
                                     TOKEN
                         Yeah. You're gonna hurt the band.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Who fuckin' cares, Token?! I could 
                         never beat Kyle now! I'll say it again! 
                         Fuck Jesus! 
 
                                     A MAN
                         My ears are bleeding!

                                     TOKEN
                         Good job, dickhead! You lost the entire 
                         audience!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ah, fuck you, Token! You black asshole! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Hm. Guess he got what he deserved. 
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                          Fuck you, Eric. 

               THE END

Christian Rock Hard



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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