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ALL SCRIPTS


 

                                       "SOUTH PARK"

                                       Episode 207

                               "CITY ON THE EDGE OF FOREVER"

                                        Written by

                               Trey Parker & Nancy Pimental



               2X07 - City On The Edge Of Forever

               [A mountain pass. Ms. Crabtree is driving the kids somewhere 
               and is going up a hill. The kids are having a grand old time 
               running around and tossing paper airplanes. Cartman has an entire 
               two-tiered chocolate cake on his laps. And a fork]
 
                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         BE QUIET BACK THERRE! THESE ROADS ARE 
                         SLIICK!
 
                                     STAN
                         Hey, Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                         What?

                                     STAN
                         Are you gonna share any of that cake 
                         with the rest of us?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hmmm, let me see. No!

                                     KYLE
                         Come on, fatass! You shouldn't be eating 
                         all that cake anyway!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Mmm. It's chocolaty and delightful.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Give us some, Cartman!

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                          BE QUIET BACK THERRE!

                                     KYLE
                         Whoa, dude. The road is really snowy 
                         out there.
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, the road is always snowy.

                                     KYLE
                         I know, but, it's really snowy today.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Mmm. I can't possibly finish this whoole 
                         cake. Oh, yes I can. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Shut up, Cartman!

               Ms. Crabtree	[slams the brakes on, opens a box, and pulls out 
               a bunny] Okay, that does it! Y'all be quiet or the cute little 
               bunny dies! [points a gun at its head. The class gasps and look 
               at her for a while. Sure that she has made her point, she puts 
               the bunny back in the box and resumes driving]
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, she always tries to quiet us down 
                         by threatening to kill that bunny, but 
                         I wonder if she ever would.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh, she would, dude. She would. 

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         GOODD!

               ROAD

               CLOSED	

               DUE TO

               AVALANCHE

               OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!

               DETOUR 	AT

               YOUR

               OWN

               RISK

               [She starts up the bus and takes the detour]

                                     STAN
                         Come on, fat boy, give us some cake 
                         now.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          I can not possibly eat one more bite 
                         of its chocolaty goodness. Oh, but but 
                         but, but I'll try.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dammit, Cartman, you are such a fat 
                         fuck!
 
                                     MS. CRABTREE
                          WHAT DID YOU SAY?! 

               Whoa oh. [she slams the brakes on, but the bus goes over the 
               shoulder and tumbles down the side of the hill]
 
               Hold oonn! Aaaaa! [the kids tumble all over the place and scream, 
               but Cartman just munches away on the cake, quite undisturbed. 
               The bus bounces on the bottom of the hill and lands on a river 
               upright, floating on down]
 
                                     KIDS
                         Aaaah!

                                     KYLE
                         I'm scared!

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         BE QUIET, KID!

               [the kids look back at where they were as the bus continues down 
               the river - and over a waterfall, straight down]
 
                                     ALL
                         Aaaah!

               [A bird sanctuary next to the river. A guide is taking a couple 
               bird-watching]
 
                                     GUIDE
                         …Aand right up here you can see a red-bellied 
                         chickadee. They're indigenous to this 
                         area. 
 
                                     THE KIDS
                         Aaaah!

                                     WIFE
                         What was that?

                                     GUIDE
                          What was what?

               [At the foot of the waterfall. The bus plunges into the water 
               and bobs up facing backwards.]
 
                                     ALL
                         Aaaah-!

               [It is carried further down until the river bends. Then the bus 
               is washed up onto the river bank, on the other side of which 
               is a cliff. The bus teeters on the precipice]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         All done!

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!  I SAID 'QUIET,' 
                         OR ELSE I KILL THE BUNNY! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Where are we?

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         I have no idea.

                                     STAN
                         I don't think we're in a very safe spot.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, what are we supposed to do?

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         Just keep your trap shut. I'll consult 
                         the manual. 
 
               STRANDED

               SEE VIDEO

               TAPE #35

               [She tosses the book away and reaches for the videotape drawer]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ms. Crabtree?

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         SHUT UP, KIID! I HAVE TO WATCH A TRAINING 
                         VIDEO!
 
                                     TRAINER
                          Welcome to tape 7 of the bus driver's 
                         video guidebook. What to do if you become 
                         stranded. By now you've calmed down 
                         the children and kept order by using 
                         the 'keep quiet or I'll kill the bunny' 
                         technique. Now, it's time to get help. 
                         The most important thing to remember 
                         is that the children will be safe as 
                         long as they stay on the bus. So do 
                         not, under any circumstances, let any 
                         children off the bus. The best way to 
                         achieve this is to tell them something 
                         like, 'A big scary monster will eat 
                         you if you step off the bus.'
 
                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         KIIDS, DO NOT GET OFF THIS BUS. IF YOU 
                         DO A BIG SCARY MONSTER WILL EAT YOU!
 
                         
                                     TRAINER
                         That's right. With the children properly 
                         subdued, you can leave the bus and go 
                         out looking for assistance. And remember 
                         your bur driver's code: 'Sit down. And 
                         shut up!'
 
                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         I'm goin' for help. Ah'll be back as 
                         soon as I cane. Remember. Don't get 
                         off this bus, or a big scary monster 
                         WILL EAT YOU! 
 
                                     BOY IN THE RED SHIRT
                         Hey, why doesn't the scary monster eat 
                         her?
 
                                     KYLE
                         'Cause, dombass, scary monsters don't 
                         eat big fat smelly bitches!
 
                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

                                     KYLE
                         I said, 'Larry King won't grant me three 
                         wishes.'
 
                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         Oh.

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, this is not good! She could've 
                         at least kept the heat on.
 
               [A roadside. Ms. Crabtree has found a vertical path leading down 
               to the road and climbs down some large boulders]
 
                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         Had to happen to me, didn't it? 

                                     TRUCK DRIVER
                         Lookin' for love in all the wrong places
 
                         
               Lookin' for love in too-

               
               [sees Ms. Crabtree, then lowers the mirror and sets his hair] 
               Whoa uhih, it's supper time. Come to poppa. [stops his rig and 
               lowers the passenger window] Whoa uh heh hello, little lady-yeh. 
               Goin' my way?
 
                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         SHUT UP AND HELP ME INTO THIS THIING!
 
                         
                                     TRUCK DRIVER
                         Whoa. Hehum huh.

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                          Yeah!  COME ON! I HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY!
 
                         
                                     TRUCK DRIVER
                         Uh huh. Alright, sure, of course. 
 
                         
                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         TAKE ME TO THE NEAREST TOWN AND MAKE 
                         IT SNAPPY, YOU FREAK-ASS CRACKPOT!
 
                         
                                     TRUCK DRIVER
                         Uuuh, yeh, yes ma'am. Righta right away, 
                         ma'am.  So uh… Uhwhat's a- fragile little 
                         doe like yourself doin' out on a, on 
                         a night like this?
 
                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         LLOOK, MISTER, I GOT A BUSLOAD OF KIDS 
                         TRAPPED UP ON THAT PASS! I NEED A CRANE, 
                         HELICOPTERS, ALL THAT CRAP! HERE, LET 
                         ME HAVE SOME O' YOUR ASPIRIN! 
 
                                     TRUCK DRIVER
                         Uh uh- ma'am, those are actually roofies.
 
                         
                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         ROOFIES, ASPIRIN, RIGHT NOW I DON'T 
                         GIVE A RAT'S ASS!  HOW FAR TO THE NEAREST 
                         TOOWWN?!
 
                                     TRUCK DRIVER
                         Mm-… mm-it's a ways.

               [Next day, and the bus is still there]

                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys. What if Ms. Crabtree doesn't 
                         come back, and we're all trapped here 
                         forever.
 
                                     KIDS
                          What? Huh?

                                     KYLE
                         We couldn't get trapped here forever, 
                         Cartman. We'd die after a couple of 
                         days. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude!

                                     KYLE
                         What?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't wanna die on this- bus with 
                         you assholes!  You guys suck!
 
                                     STAN
                         Would you just relax? We've been in 
                         a lot worse situations than this and 
                         come out of it just fine.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Worse than this?

                                     STAN
                         Well sure. Don't you remember that time 
                         that the aliens kienapped your little 
                         brother Ike? Now, that was scary.
 
                         
                                     STAN'S TALE
                         

                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh, man, this sucks.

                                     KYLE
                         How come the visitors aren't coming 
                         for him.
 
                                     STAN
                         I think we have to signal them somehow.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Ow!

                                     WENDY
                         Hey, he's like Rudolph.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, all you have to do is fart some 
                         more, Cartman! And the visitors are 
                         sure to come!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Really? Uh, I don't think I have to 
                         fart anymore tonight.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Sure you do!

                                     STAN
                         Come on Cartman, fart!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't wanna.

                                     STAN
                         He can't hold it in forever.

                                     KYLE
                         Fart, damn you!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, that's does it! Now listen! Why 
                         is it that everything today has involved 
                         things either going in or coming out 
                         of my ass?! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Whoa, look at that.

                                     CARTMAN
                         It's completely immature! 

                                     STAN
                         Hey, it's happening again.  It's a ice 
                         cream truck. Now do you believe this, 
                         Cartman?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys can't scare me!

                                     STAN
                         Cartman, there's an ice cream truck 
                         sticking out of your ass. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey, look. The aliens are getting ice 
                         cream.
 
                                     STAN
                         Wow! I guess everything's going to be 
                         okay. 
 
                                     WENDY
                         Mmmm.

                                     STAN
                         Now, that was what I call a sticky situation. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         You can say that again.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Was that how it happened?

               [the truck]

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         STOOPP! LET ME OFF, YOU TURD!

                                     TRUCK DRIVER
                         Hey. Uh I wanna help you. Uh, I care 
                         a lot about that bus full of uuh- what 
                         was it again?
 
                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         Children.

                                     TRUCK DRIVER
                         Yeah right. Leh, let me come with you. 
                         
 
               
               PAULY SHORE'S

               FUNNY Pit

               
                                     TONIGHT
                         Carrot ass

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         WHO-WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAAP?!

                                     CARROT ASS
                          I hate flyin'. Talk about somethin' 
                         I hate, it's flyin'.
 
                                     TRUCK DRIVER
                          Say uuhh, are those roofies kickin' 
                         in yet?
 
                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         WELL, I DON'T THINK SO!

                                     TRUCK DRIVER
                         Damn!

                                     CARROT ASS
                         D'you guys like impressions?

                                     PATRON
                         No!

                                     CARROT ASS
                         Here's my impression of Robert De Niro. 
                          Hey, youse. Youse guys. Shut up, youse!
 
                         
                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         YOU SUUCK!! 

                                     CARROT ASS
                         Youse guys, shut up!

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!! 

                                     CARROT ASS
                          Come on, lady. Iii love you. You love 
                         me.
 
                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         I SAAIID, SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!! 

                                     TALENT SCOUT
                          Baby, you're wonderful! You're a natural! 
                         You're the funniest comic I've seen 
                         in yeauhs!
 
                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT THE HELL UP. 
                         I'VE GOT TO GET SOME ASSISTANCE FOR 
                         MY BROKEN-DOWN BUUSS!!
 
                                     TALENT SCOUT
                         Broken-down bus! That's great! Great 
                         angle!
 
               [Night time at the precipice]

                                     STAN
                         Do you see 'er dude?

                                     KYLE
                         Nope.

                                     CARTMAN
                         God-dammit, how long is this goin' to 
                         take?
 
                                     BOY IN THE RED SHIRT
                         She's never coming back. Don't you get 
                         it? She left us here to die like pigs.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Calm down, dude. You're upsetting Kenny.
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                          (Huh?)

                                     BOY IN THE RED SHIRT
                         I can't take it anymore! I have to get 
                         out of here! 
 
                                     STAN
                         No, kid! You heard what Ms. Crabtree 
                         said: there's a big black scary monster 
                         out there!
 
                                     BOY IN THE RED SHIRT
                         Ehah! Well, I'm not gonna sit here and 
                         wait to die with the rest of you! If 
                         I can make it back, ah-I'll send help.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Don't do it, kid.

               [the kid hops off the bus and the rest of the class goes over 
               to the left side of the bus to see him off]
 
                                     STAN
                         Hmm. Maybe Ms. Crabtree did make up 
                         that stuff about the big black monster.
 
                         
               [the boy turns around and smiles. The bushes behind him rustle. 
               The kids look stunned as the monster comes out of the trees and 
               traps the boy]
 
                                     BOY IN THE RED SHIRT
                         Nooooo-agh! 

                                     KYLE
                         Holy crap, dude!

               [the monster turns and scurries away. The precipice is quiet 
               for a while before the boy's skeleton is tossed back. It lands 
               on one of the bus windows and slowly slides down, leaving some 
               blood. The kids jump back and run around confused.]
 
                                     BEBE
                         Down! 

                                     STAN
                         Well, I guess nobody else will be getting 
                         off the bus.
 
               [South Park, the next day. Liane Cartman prepares some Cookie 
               Dings dough for baking, and the phone rings]
 
                                     LIANE
                          Hello?

                                     SHARON
                         Oh, hello, Ms. Cartman. It's Sharon, 
                         Stan's mother.
 
                                     LIANE
                         Oh yes, Sharon. How are you?

                                     SHARON
                         Ms. Cartman, is your son at home?

                                     LIANE
                         Hu-old on, dear, let me check.  Hon, 
                         I made beefy logs.  I made Cookie Dings. 
                          No, he's not here.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Well, now I am worried. I've tried all 
                         the houses and nobody knows where they 
                         are.
 
                                     LIANE
                         Oh, dear!

               [Denver]

                                     TALENT SCOUT
                         I'm telling you, Marty, this woman is 
                         a natural! I haven't seen a funnier 
                         person since Maury Povich.
 
                                     MARTY
                         What's her angle?

                                     TALENT SCOUT
                         I can't even explain it. You have to 
                         see it.
 
                                     MARTY
                         Alright. Well, this better be good.
 
                         
                                     TALENT SCOUT
                          Come on in, come on in.

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         WHUAT THE HELL DID YOU BRING ME TO DENVER 
                         FOR, YOU BRAIN-DEPRAVED FECOPHILIAC?!
 
                         
                                     TALENT SCOUT
                         Mr. Jonus, this is Mrs. Crabtree.

                                     MARTY
                         Pleasure to meet you.

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         YOU LOOK LIKE A LUMP OF DOGSHIT JUST 
                         GOT HIT BY A CAR!!
 
                                     TALENT SCOUT
                         What did I tell you?

                                     MARTY
                         She's fantastic. How would you like 
                         to make a million dollars, baby?
 
                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY ASS?!
 
                         
                                     MARTY
                         Let's get started right away.

                                     TRUCK DRIVER
                         Are you gonna be all right?

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         DON'T TOUCH ME!

                                     TRUCK DRIVER
                         Uh ah-I'm sorry. Do you need anything?
 
                         
                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         No. I just…

                                     TRUCK DRIVER
                         What?

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         I can't help but feel that I've forgotten 
                         somethin'.
 
               [Another night at the precipice]

                                     STAN
                         What time is it?

                                     KENNY
                         (Almost 7:30)

                                     KYLE
                         On Wednesday or Thursday?

                                     STAN
                         Dude, I think it's Saturday now.

                                     CARTMAN
                         What?! I'm missing the new Fantasy Island.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          Aw man, I don't think it's very safe 
                         to be on this bus.
 
                                     STAN
                         Well, we can't go anywhere or else that 
                         big scary monster outside will get us.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         What do you think it is?

                                     STAN
                         I don't know, it's- a big scary monster. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey. Maybe it's that thing, Scuzzlebutt. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         What?

                                     KYLE
                         Don't you remember? That time we were 
                         out hunting with your uncle Jimbo and 
                         Ned.
 
                                     KYLE'S TALE
                         

                                     BOYS
                         Aaaaaa!

                                     JIMBO
                         The lava's comin' right for us!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Heellp!

               [the lava is charging down the hill, and the boys, Jimbo, and 
               Ned have reached the trench. Scuzzlebutt appears, and they stare 
               in awe]
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Jimminy Hope, it's the real Scuzzlebutt!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         What?! Scuzzlebutt's real?!

                                     KYLE
                         Oh my God! Look at his leg!

                                     BRENT MUSBERGER
                         Hi kids, I'm TV's Brent Musberger.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Dude! He got Brent Musberger for a leg!
 
                         
                                     ALL
                         Aaaa!

                                     JIMBO
                         Quick Ned, shoot it!

                                     NED
                          Mmm. Oh no, out of ammo.

                                     STAN
                         Hey, look!

                                     SCUZZLEBUTT
                         Grrrr. 

                                     KYLE
                         Dude! He's making ice cream. 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Scuzzlebutt kicks ass!

                                     KYLE
                         Now, that's what I call a sticky situation. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Okay, so we can agree that the monster 
                         outside can't be Scuzzlebutt, because 
                         Scuzzlebutt's nice.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey. Maybe it's our teacher, Mr. Garrison.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Don't be stupid, Cartman. Our teacher 
                         wouldn't be out lying in the forest 
                         waiting to kill us!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh no? Don't you remember the time he 
                         went crazy, and tried to kill Kathie 
                         Lee Gifford?
 
                                     CARTMAN'S TALE
                         

                                     MAYOR
                          Here she comes! 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Come on you little bitch. 

                                     MAYOR
                          It is with great pride and honor that 
                         I'd like to welcome Mrs. Kathie Lee 
                         Gifford to South Park. 
 
                                     KATHIE LEE
                         Thank you. 

                                     STAN
                         Mr. Garrison, stop!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Leave us. We must finish what we have 
                         begun. 
 
                                     WENDY
                         But Mr. Garrison!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          She's not really Kathie Lee Gifford. 
                         She's some kinda alien. 
 
                                     KATHIE LEE
                         Thank you. And I love you all.

               [a shot pierces the bubble and enters Kathie Lee's head. The 
               crowd gasps as she holds her head. She rips it open to reveal 
               a vicious little green alien]
 
                                     ALIEN
                         Naawwr! 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          See, I told ya. 

                                     WENDY
                         Mmmm.

                                     THE MAYOR
                          Wow, this is gonna put a damper on 
                         the day.  Let's have ice cream, everyone! 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Beefcaake!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Now, that's what I call a sticky situation. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         But the monster outside couldn't be 
                         Mr. Garrison, 'cause Mr. Garrison used 
                         a gun.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, yeah.

                                     [BURBANK, NBC STUDIOS, 11
                         35 p.m.]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Live from Burbank, it's The Tonight 
                         Show, with Jay Leno. Tonight, Jay's 
                         special guests imclude: Washed-up Actress 
                         from a sitcom. And the comedy of Mrs. 
                         Crabtree. And now, here's your host, 
                         Jay Leno. 
 
                                     TALENT SCOUT
                         Just relax, sweetheart, you're gonna 
                         kill out there.
 
                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         KILL WHO?!

                                     TALENT SCOUT
                         Huh that's great. Use that. 

                                     TRUCK DRIVER
                         Honey du-, do you need anything?

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         JUST GIVE ME ANOTHER ONE OF THEM ROOFIES.
 
                         
                                     TRUCK DRIVER
                          Sure. 

               [Mr. Mackey's office. A crowd of people is gathered in there 
               with Mr. Mackey]
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Oh oh okay? Let's try to calm down, 
                         nkay? This type of thing happens all 
                         the time.
 
                                     SHARON
                         What do ya mean?! How often does an 
                         entire third-grade class go missing?!
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Well, 99% of the time, when a child 
                         is missing, it's because they've run 
                         away. Mkay? 
 
                                     SHARON
                         Run away?

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          Oy, I knew I shouldn't have made Kyle 
                         eat that gefukahukah.
 
                                     RANDY
                         How do we get our runaway children back?
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Well, we just need to make some posters, 
                         nkay? Hand out brochures, onkay? That 
                         way, the public can know what the chldren 
                         look like and can call in if thry're 
                         spotted, nkay?
 
                                     SHARON
                         Let's get started right away! They could 
                         be halfway to L. A. by now.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         It's only a matter of time before they're 
                         selling their bodies and buying smack.
 
                         
               [About town. An insistent tune plays. Posters of the missing 
               kids are going up everywhere. Gerald pins a picture of Kyle on 
               a tree, and Randy tapes one of Stan on a light post]
 
                                     MAN 1
                         Come on, everybody!

                                     MAN 2
                         We've got to find those kids!

                                     MAN 1
                         If we all put our heads together, we 
                         can find them!
 
                                     MAN 2
                         We can do it!

               [Liane is in a bikini passing out pictures of Eric. This draws 
               men, young and old, from all around.]
 
                                     MAN 3
                         Hi.

               [On a wall are pictures of, from left to right, Bebe, Clyde, 
               Stan, Kyle, Macaulay, Pip,…]
 
               [Midnight on the precipice. The bus rocks slowly and with a loud 
               thud]
 
                                     STAN
                         What was that?

                                     KYLE
                         What was what?

                                     STAN
                         Dude, I think the scary monster is right 
                         outside the bus!
 
                                     KYLE
                         What could it be? If only we knew what 
                         we were up against.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Hey you guys. Remember when Terrance 
                         and Phillip was off the air?)
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey yeah, I remember that.

                                     KENNY
                         (All I know is that it was a loong time 
                         ago, and Death was chasing us on a bicycle 
                         down the street.)
 
                                     KENNY'S TALE
                         

                                     KIDS
                         Aaaah! Aaaah! Aaaah! 

                                     GRAMPA
                          Come back here you pompousy son of 
                         a pansy!
 
                                     KIDS
                         Aaaah!

                                     KYLE
                          Don't let him touch you! You die if 
                         he touches you!
 
                                     GRAMPA
                         Come over here you son of a whore!
 
                         
               [Everyone passes the electronics store without stopping to see 
               Terrance and Phillip. Death is about to touch Kenny when Kenny 
               decides to defend his life]
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Take… that!)  (And that, that is for 
                         me, and that, that and that, that and 
                         that, that, that, that!) 
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh my God! Kenny- killed… death!

                                     KYLE
                         You… bastard. 

                                     KENNY
                         (Heheheh. Now that's what I-he call 
                         a sticky situation!) 
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, but the monster outside couldn't 
                         be Death, because Death only touches 
                         you, it doesn't eat you.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Oh, yeah)

                                     KYLE
                         Well, who really cares what that monster 
                         is outside? As long as we stay on the 
                         bus, it can't hurt us. Right? 
 
                                     KIDS
                         AAAAH! 

                                     KENNY
                          (Uh oh. Hey uh, you guys! Help me doooowwwwnnnn! 
                         Heeyy, you guuuuyyyyys!) 
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh my God, it's killing Kenny!

                                     KYLE
                         You bastard!

                                     STAN
                          Hoh boy, we're in big trouble.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Hey you guys. Can we order a pizza?
 
                         
               [back at The Tonight Show, Ms. Cartman's segment has just started]
 
               
                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ALL STARIN' AT?! 
                          STOP LAUGHING, YOU WHORES!!  I SAID, 
                         SHUT UP!! 
 
                                     JAY LENO
                         Let's hear it for Ms. Crabtree. What 
                         an up-and-comer!
 
                                     TRUCK DRIVER
                         Well. That was great, ma'am.

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         Was it? Does it even matter?

                                     TRUCK DRIVER
                         Wwhat do ya mean?

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         Success is hollow, Mitch, hollow like 
                         a dead tree. I think it's time for me 
                         to give it up.
 
                                     TRUCK DRIVER
                         Are you sure?

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         Ah-I'm sure. Let's get a cup of coffee. 
                         
 
               [Daytime. The sun is shining into the bus through the roof]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         I wonder when the monster is gonna come 
                         back to feed again? 
 
                                     KYLE
                         We've just gotta stick together.

                                     STAN
                         Yeah. There's got to be a way out of 
                         this.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hay, wait a minute.

                                     STAN
                         What?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Remember the time when Fonzie jumped 
                         over the buses with his motorcycle?
 
                         
               HAPPY DAYS	[Armold's at night. Every kid of driving age shows 
               up to see Fonzie jump the buses. Two of his many admiring girls 
               get him ready for the jump, then walk away. The Fonz revs up 
               the bike]
 
                                     JOANIE CUNNINGHAM
                         Go, Fonzie!

                                     FONZIE
                         Eeeeyyyy! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         You can do it, Fonzie.

                                     STAN
                         We believe in you, Fonz.

                                     FONZIE
                         Eeeeyyyy! 

                                     KENNY
                         (Hey, that freakin' bike-!) 

                                     FONZIE
                          Eeyy! 

                                     STAN
                         Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!

                                     KYLE
                         You bastards!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Now, that's what I call a sticky situation. 
                         Uheheheh, heh.
 
                                     STAN
                         You dumbass, Cartman! That's not the 
                         way it happened!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, dude! Kenny just died eight hours 
                         ago from that monster! How could he 
                         have died back then, too?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh yeah, I guess that doesn't make 
                         sense. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh no! 

                                     KIDS
                         Aaaah!

                                     KYLE
                         What are we gonna do?

                                     KIDS
                          Aaaah! 

                                     STAN
                         Now we need more weight in the back. 
                          No, that's too much! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         There.  I think we got it.

                                     STAN
                         I don't know how much longer we can 
                         keep this up, dude.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Don't worry. Everything's gonna work 
                         out. It always does.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         It does?

                                     KYLE
                         Sure. Remember that time that that kid 
                         in the red shirt decided to go off on 
                         his own?
 
               The Ensign	[Two nights ago. The kid in the red shirt decides 
               not to wait for help to come, but to go and look for help himself]
 
               
                                     BOY IN THE RED SHIRT
                         Ehah! Well, I'm not gonna sit here and 
                         wait to die with the rest of you! If 
                         I can make it back, ah-I'll send help.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Don't do it, kid.

               [the kid hops off the bus and the rest of the class goes over 
               to the left side of the bus to see him off]
 
                                     STAN
                         Hmm. Maybe Ms. Crabtree did make up 
                         that stuff about the big black monster.
 
                         
               [the boy turns around and smiles. The bushes behind him rustle. 
               The kids look stunned as the monster comes out of the trees and 
               traps the boy]
 
                                     BOY IN THE RED SHIRT
                         Nooooo-agh! 

                                     KYLE
                         Holy crap, dude!  Hey look! He's got 
                         ice cream! 
 
                                     KIDS
                          Hooray!  Yea!  Aaah!  Yea! Ha ha. 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Now, that's what I call a sticky situation. 
                         
 
               [A marsh. Ms. Crabtree and the truck driver are enjoying a quiet 
               moment]
 
                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         Wow, this is gorgeous. I don't think 
                         I've ever seen anything so beautiful.
 
                         
                                     TRUCK DRIVER
                         From a distance, this place looks like 
                         a cold, damp marsh. But once you get 
                         inside it,  you realize that it has 
                         an inner beauty, far surpassing others. 
                          Thank you for sharing your time with 
                         me, Ms. Crabtree.
 
                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         Please. Call me Muffin. 

                                     TRUCK DRIVER
                         I'm having a nice time, Muffin.

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         Me too, Marcus. I've forgotten all about 
                         my cares in the world.
 
               [The precipice. All her cares are still waiting for someone to 
               rescue them.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Aw damn, man. Now I'm missing the new 
                         Barnaby Jones.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey. Ms. Crabtree had that little TV, 
                         for the trainng video? Maybe we can 
                         watch TV on it.
 
                                     STAN
                         Hey yeah! 

                                     TOM
                         …And all over America, kids are turning 
                         to the streets and running away. Tonight, 
                         a very special message from the parents 
                         of some runaway children, in hopes that 
                         their young will hear their cries.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Hello, Stanley. It's me, Poppa.  Gosh, 
                         your mother and I miss ya. And I hope 
                         that… wherever you may be, you'll hear 
                         this message. 
 
               
               Little lamb, you're lost in the great big world

               Runaway, findin' streets so cold

                                     KYLE
                          Du-hude! Your dad's a retard! 

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Please come home, Kyle. 

               
               You left home lookin' for somethin' new. [Kyle is really embarrassed]
 
               
               But all you need is right here waitin' for you [the kids laugh 
               at Kyle]
 
                                     THE PARENTS
                         Runaway, come home. We love you just 
                         as you are.
 
                                     # RUNAWAY, COME HOME. WE'RE SORRY THINGS WENT THIS FAR. [THERE ARE TWELVE ADULTS PRESENT
                         The Marshes, the Broflovskis, the McCormicks, 
                         Liane Cartman, Mr. Garrison (!), Kevin's 
                         mother, and three unidentified adults. 
                         One of them seems to be the ice cream 
                         man from Cartman's flashback.]
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, did it ever occur to them to just 
                         look for us?
 
                                     CLYDE
                         I hope my dad doesn't sing.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey! Do you guys remember the time I 
                         found out who my father was?
 
                                     STAN
                         Boy, do I!

               Carman's Father	[from Cartman's Mom is a Hermaphrodite All the 
               men are gathered at Mephesto's room in Hell's Pass Hospital. 
               The boys and Liane are also there]
 
                                     MEPHESTO
                         Oh. As I said before, the father is 
                         somebody in this room. The father is… 
                         John Elway. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Sweeeeeett! 

                                     JOHN ELWAY
                         Uh oh.

                                     CARTMAN
                         This kicks ass, you guys! John Elway 
                         is my father! 
 
               My father is John Elway, my father is John Elway

               Deedun, Deedun.

                                     JOHN ELWAY
                          Come on, son. I'll buy you some ice 
                         cream. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Now, that's what I call a sti-

                                     KYLE
                         Wait a minute. I though your father 
                         was your mother 'cause she had a penis.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         What?! Eeyy, you son of a bitch! I'll 
                         kick you in the nuts! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Cartman, no! 

                                     KIDS
                         Aaaaaa!

                                     STAN
                         The bus is going over!

               Kyle	Oh no!

                                     KIDS
                          Aaaaa. Aaaaaaa.

                                     A KID
                         It looks like somebody's going to fall 
                         off the buuss!
 
               [the kid with the aviator cap tries to hang on to a seat, but 
               loses his grip and falls through the back window screaming. The 
               bus snaps in two, and the front end comes down. A second later, 
               both parts of the bus slip into the steep canyon.]
 
                                     KIDS
                         Aaaaa!

               [The scene is shown again, but this time the bus falls into a 
               giant bucket of]
 
               Super

               Chocolaty Chunky

               Funk Chip

               Surprise

               ICE CREAM

               [The kids are strewn all over the place once again.]

                                     STAN
                          Hey! We've landed in ice cream!

                                     KIDS
                         Hooray!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Wait, wait wait wait. This doesn't make 
                         sense. This whole thing doesn't make 
                         any sense. I must be-
 
               [Cartman's bedroom]

                                     CARTMAN
                          Deah, eh eh.  Oh man, what a weird 
                         dream!
 
                                     LIANE
                          Ah-are you okay, hon?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ma? I just dreamt that me and Stan and 
                         Kyle and Kenny were trapped on our bus, 
                         and we were talking about everything 
                         that happened to us, except that it 
                         was all wrong and everything ended with 
                         us eating ice cream.
 
                                     LIANE
                         Oh. Well. Wwould you like some beetles 
                         for breakfast? 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes, please. 

                                     LIANE
                         Mmmm.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Mmmm.  Mmmm.

                                     LIANE
                         Mmmm. Beetles are good with ice cream.
 
                         
               [Stan's bedroom. Stan is asleep]

                                     STAN
                         GAAA-uh.  Ugh. Oh, dude. What a nightmare. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                          Hello?

                                     STAN
                         Dude, I just had the weirdest dream.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Really?

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, I dreamt that Cartman dreamt that 
                         we were all trapped on a bus, and then 
                         he dreamt that we were talking about 
                         things that had happened, only they 
                         were all wrong, and, and then he and 
                         his mother ate beetles.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude. That's a pretty fucked up dream.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, I must be having some real emotional 
                         problems.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey. Me and Cartman and Kenny are going 
                         down to Happy Burger. Do you wanna come?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Sure. I definitely don't wanna sleep 
                         anymore. See you later. 
 
               [The marsh. Cartman's dream has a life of its own and is self-aware, 
               like a holodeck program gone awry. A frog croaks]
 
                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         I want to thank you for making me feel 
                         alive again, Marcus.
 
                                     TRUCK DRIVER
                         Mms. Crabtree?

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         What is it? What's wrong?

                                     TRUCK DRIVER
                         You realize I can't stay. None of this 
                         is real: it's… it's all been a little 
                         eight-year old's dream
 
                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         Oh I know. I know, Marcus. But let me 
                         just pretend as long as I can.
 
                                     TRUCK DRIVER
                         Sure. 

               [End of City On The Edge Of Forever. "Runaway, Come Home" plays]
 
                


City on the edge of forever



Writers :   Trey Parker  Nancy Pimental
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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