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ALL SCRIPTS


 

                                       "SOUTH PARK"

                                       Episode 212

                                       "CLUBHOUSES"

                                        Written by

                               Trey Parker & Nancy Pimental



               [A familiar intro plays, a playground scene. Bill plays catch 
               with anotheir kid, Jordan and the black kid are on swings, and 
               Pip is on a hobby elephant. Stan is hiding behind a tree, using 
               his mitted hand as a gun]
 
                                     STAN
                         Sgt. Stanley Marsh is trapped behind 
                         enemy lines. His only chance of survival 
                         is to sneak past the Bosnian guard who 
                         stands watch.  Sgt. Marsh knows it's 
                         now or never. He must make a run for 
                         it.  American base is only a few feet 
                         away.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Master thief, halt!  It will take more 
                         than your weak American weapons to destroy 
                         me!
 
                                     STAN
                         Cartman, we shot your Bosnian fat ass!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah! You're dead!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I have Class 4 armor on, that, uh, ih-ih-
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         No, you don't!

                                     CARTMAN
                         -special armor, that's impenetrable 
                         to American bullets.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude! Every time we play Americans vs. 
                         Bosnians, you cheat!
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, Cartman, you suck! If you want 
                         to play Americans vs. Bosnians any more, 
                         you can just play with yourself! 
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         That's fine! I'd like playing with myself! 
                         I'll play with myself all day long! 
                          What?
 
               [Some distance away from Cartman…]

                                     KYLE
                         Well? Now what are we going to do?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Huh-I donno.

                                     WENDY
                          Hi, Stan.

                                     STAN
                         Hi, Wendy.

                                     WENDY
                         Kyle, doesn't Bebe look pretty today? 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         I donno.

                                     WENDY
                         She does. She looks very pretty.

                                     KYLE
                         Okay.

                                     WENDY
                         Stan, can I talk to you for a second? 
                          Stan, wouldn't it be fun if we fixed 
                         Kyle up with Bebe?
 
                                     STAN
                         …No.

                                     WENDY
                         If Bebe and Kyle were a couple, then 
                         we can invite them over to your clubhouse 
                         for dinner and play parlor games and 
                         have meaningful conversations and sip 
                         cognac by the fireplace.
 
                                     STAN
                         We could?

                                     WENDY
                         Yeah, Stan.

                                     STAN
                         But dude, I don't have a clubhouse.
 
                         
                                     WENDY
                         You don't?? I thought all guys had clubhouses.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Just how many guys' clubhouses have 
                         you been in?
 
               [Back near the tree, Cartman is sitting on Kenny]

                                     CARTMAN
                         El Commandant Cartman has ways of making 
                         you talk! 
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Heellp!!)

                                     WENDY
                         Stan, you have to build a clubhouse! 
                         Then all four of us can sit in it and 
                         play Truth or Dare!
 
                                     STAN
                          Truth or Dare? Wow.  Come on, Kyle. 
                         We've got work to do.
 
                                     KYLE
                         We do?

                                     STAN
                         We're gonna build a clubhouse. I have 
                         to ask my dad for help. 
 
                                     BEBE
                          Did it work?

                                     WENDY
                         I think it did, Bebe. If all goes as 
                         planned, Kyle will be your new boyfriend.
 
                         
                                     BEBE
                         I hope so Wendy. He's got such a hot 
                         ass.
 
               [The Marsh house. Randy turns on the TV and ends up on Terrance 
               and Phillip. They are in a church.]
 
                                     TERRANCE
                         Hey, Phillip, pull my finger.

                                     PHILLIP
                         All right, Terrance. 

                                     TERRANCE
                         Hurgh. Oh, wait wait wait. Pull harder.
 
                         
                                     PHILLIP
                         Well, all right. 

                                     TERRANCE
                         Hurgh, urgh.  Damn it! Pull really hard, 
                         Phillip!
 
                                     PHILLIP
                         Okay.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Hurgh-rrh. Waiwait, wait wait. Hrhrhrhrh. 
                         Aha! Hr-rhrh. Oh my! Yeee-aaa!  Hurh. 
                         Uhwaiwait. Ye-aauraah-  Caught you there!
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Uh oh! 

                                     PHILLIP
                         God. Oh, you got me, Terrance!

                                     TERRANCE
                         Yes, I sure did! 

                                     KYLE
                         Whoa, dude. Your dad is watching Terrnace 
                         and Phillip.
 
                                     RANDY
                         No, I was just uh flipping through the 
                         channels 
 
                                     STAN
                         Hey, Dad, we need to build a clubhouse.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Okay

                                     STAN
                         How do we do it?

                                     RANDY
                         Uhyou just get a hammer and some wood. 
                         What? Uh some girls wanna play Truth 
                         or Dare or something?
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, dude! How'd you know? 

                                     RANDY
                         How do you think I met your mother?
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                          Randy, my wedding ring! I lost it down 
                         the garbage disposal!
 
                                     RANDY
                         Oh, brother. 

                                     SHARON
                         Stanley, I thought I told you not to 
                         watch this horrible cartoon!
 
                                     RANDY
                         Yeah, Stanley, you should know better.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Dude! 

                                     SHARON
                         Here, Stanley, You watch nice cartoons 
                         like Fat Abbot.
 
                                     STAN
                         Tsk-aw!

                                     SHARON
                         Randy, will you please come get my wedding 
                         ring out of the sink!
 
                                     RANDY
                          Okay, okay. 

                                     FAT ABBOT
                         Hey hey hey. What's goin' on, Rudy?
 
                         
                                     RUDY
                         Man, Fat Abbot, you need to lose weight!
 
                         
                                     FAT ABBOT
                         I'll lose weight when I feel like it, 
                         bitch! Shut yo bitchass mouth, ho!
 
                         
                                     RUDY
                         Bitch, I'll kick yo ass!

                                     KYLE
                         Whoa, dude!

                                     STAN
                         Sweet!

                                     FAT ABBOT
                         You think you're slick, you punkass 
                         blasphemous dope-fiend bitch! I had 
                         my jimmy whacked seven times last week! 
                         I'll bust a cap in yo nigga ass, shithole!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Wow, cartoons are getting really dirty!
 
                         
               [in the kitchen]

                                     SHARON
                         Did you find it?

                                     RANDY
                         Give me a second, would you?!

                                     SHARON
                         Don't snap at me!

                                     RANDY
                         I didn't snap at you.

                                     SHARON
                         You snapped at me!

                                     RANDY
                         Whatever.

                                     SHARON
                         What ever?! In fifteen years you've 
                         never said, "whatever," to me!
 
                                     RANDY
                         Nuh- I don't wanna fight. I'm sorry.
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         I'm sorry, too.

                                     RANDY
                         Uh I think I found it. 

                                     SHARON
                         That's not it, you idiot!

                                     RANDY
                         Hey, back off, cunt!

                                     SHARON
                          You just said the C-word!

                                     RANDY
                         Did I?

               [Stan and Kyle are outside working on their clubhouse. The steps, 
               supports, and floor are in place, and they start work on the 
               railing]
 
                                     STAN
                         This is a sweet spot for a clubhouse.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. Hey Stan, wwhat did your dad mean 
                         when he said we're gonna play Truth 
                         or Dare?
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh uh, just that, mmmaybe when we're 
                         finished, Wendy anduh… Bebe can come 
                         over and play.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, what kind of sick joke is that? 
                         Girls suck ass.
 
                                     STAN
                         Well-uhuh, of course they do, but uh, 
                         wouldn't it be sweet toob, to play Truth 
                         or Dare with them?
 
                                     KYLE
                         What? Why?

                                     STAN
                         Because, dude. Wwe could make them ddo 
                         really gross stuff, like eat bugs.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Hey yeah! That'd be sweet! We could 
                         totally ruin their lives! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What are you guys doing?

                                     STAN
                         We're building a clubhouse

                                     CARTMAN
                          A clubhouse? Heheh, that's the lamest 
                         thing I've ever heard!
 
                                     KYLE
                         It's not lame, it's sweet! After we 
                         build this clubhouse, we're gonna get 
                         girls to play Truth or Dare!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Wwwhy??

                                     KYLE
                         Because, dumbass, we can dare them to 
                         do gross stuff and make them cry! What? 
                         Were you born yesterday?
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, now beat it you guys. This clubhouse 
                         is private!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         That's fine. We'll build our own clubhouse!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Fine!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Fine! And then we'll get girls to play 
                         Truth or Dare, too!
 
                                     STAN
                         Fine!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Fine!

                                     KYLE
                         Fine!

                                     KENNY
                         (Fine!)

                                     KYLE
                         Fine!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Fine! That's fine. 

                                     STAN
                         Fine!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Fine!

                                     [THE CARTMAN HOUSE. CARTMAN AND KENNY ARE LOOKING OVER THE CLUBHOUSE KIT CARTMAN HAS APPARENTLY ORDERED
                         the Ewok Village 2000 Deluxe Club House 
                         Kit w/Elevator. It has a two-story design. 
                         Cartman is wearing a yellow hard hat, 
                         and Kenny is trying to get a better 
                         look at the blueprints]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No, Kenny, you can't look! I'm the foreman!
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Well, why the fuck do I have to do 
                         everything while you stand around in 
                         the snow lookin-) 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Because, Kenny, your family's poor! 
                         You have to be the worker!
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Uh-)

                                     CARTMAN
                         Nno, Kenny.

                                     LIANE
                          How's the treehouse coming along, hon?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Mom, it's not a treehouse, it's a clubhouse!
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                         Sorry, hon.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Mom? Can we pull up the carpeting in 
                         the living room?
 
                                     LIANE
                         Well, I don't know, Eric. If you did 
                         that, then the floors would be bare.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          But Mmmom, the blueprint says we need 
                         carpeting in the clubhouse!
 
                                     LIANE
                         Well, all right.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Kenny, my mom says you can go get carpeting 
                         in the living room now.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (You suck ass and you suck dick!) 
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         And stop your bitchin!

               [the Marsh house. Stan enters the kitchen and tries to get at 
               a jar as his mom washes dishes. She's upset]
 
                                     SHARON
                         What are you doing sweetheart?!

                                     STAN
                         Getting a cookie. We're building a clubhouse 
                         and then we're-
 
                                     SHARON
                         You men are all alike! First you get 
                         a cookie and then you criticize the 
                         way I dress and then it's the way I 
                         cook! I suppose next you'll be telling 
                         me that you need your space and that 
                         I'm sabotaging your creativity. Go ahead, 
                         Stanley. Get your God-damned cookie! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         'K.

               [South Park Elementary. Class is now in session. Mr. Twig is 
               still there]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         And so, children, today we're gonna 
                         focus on American history, right Mr. 
                         Twig?
 
                                     MR. TWIG
                         Uhthat's right, Mr. Garrison. American 
                         history is very important.
 
                                     KYLE
                         When is Mr. Hat coming back?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         What did you say?!

                                     KYLE
                         When is Mr. HAT coming back?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I told you to never mention that name 
                         in my classroom again! Mr. Hat is a 
                         two-timin' whore! And now we all learn 
                         from Mr. Twig!
 
                                     STAN
                         But Mr. Twig sucks.

                                     CLASS
                         Yeah.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         That is enough! Mr. Hat is gone, and 
                         he isn't coming back, and I don't wanna 
                         hear it! Anyway, children, lets turn 
                         our history textbooks to page 105, which 
                         should be right after page 104…
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         So, how's your lame-ass clubhouse, Stan?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Better than yours, fat boy.

                                     CARTMAN
                         We'll see about that.  Don't forget 
                         you need to cut school early and wait 
                         for the hot tub, Kenny.
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Yes, sir!)

                                     WENDY
                         Is the clubhouse ready?

                                     STAN
                         Almost.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Stan? Are you paying attention?

                                     STAN
                         Yes, Mr. Garrison.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well, then, Stanley. What did I just 
                         say?
 
                                     STAN
                          Um. Yyou said that even though- Charo 
                         appeared twelve times on the Love Boat, 
                         the episode with Captain and Tenille 
                         got- higher ratings.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         …Well, okay. I suppose you were paying 
                         attention.  Anyway, children, the Love 
                         Boat did go on for about eight years. 
                         They tried to bring it back recently, 
                         but it didn't work. Probably 'cause 
                         Robert Urich had to weigh… 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Good guess, dude!

                                     STAN
                         Phew.

                                     BEBE
                          Pass this up.

                                     SWANSON
                          Pass this up.

                                     KEVIN
                          Pass this up.

                                     FOSSE
                          P-huh pass this h-up. 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Stanley, are you passing notes to Kyle?!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         No, I just-

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Don't lie, Stan. Lying makes you sterile.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         I'm not lying. Someone just handed me 
                         the-
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Stanley, if you think it's so important 
                         to keep interrupting my class, then 
                         why don't you come up to the front and 
                         read your note to Kyle for everyone 
                         to hear!
 
                                     STAN
                         But I didn't write the note!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Mr. Garrison, Stan's behavior is having 
                         an adverse effect on my education.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Shut up, Cartman!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Stanley Marsh, you come up here right 
                         now and read your note!
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh, man. 

               Dear Kyle.

               
               You have got such a great ass. I could sleep for days on those 
               perked cheeks, let me tell you. I'd like to live with you and 
               wear your ass as a hat for all eternity.
 
               [the class stares in shock, even Bebe] Whoa, dude!

               [Counselor Mackey's office. Stan and Mr. Mackey talk]

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Nowuh, young man, uhschool is a time 
                         for learning, mkay? Not for immature 
                         skylarkings.
 
                                     STAN
                         What's 'skylarkings'?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         You know, like tomfooleries.

                                     STAN
                         Who? 

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          Oh, your parents are here.

                                     STAN
                         Oh, no. 

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Thank you for coming on such short notice. 
                         I was just disciplining your son for 
                         his skylarkings.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Stanley, I-! Skylarkings?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Yeahmkay?

                                     RANDY
                         Stanley, I want you to explain to me 
                         why you were passing notes in school.
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         Randy, let me handle this. Now Stanley, 
                         I want you to explain to me why you 
                         were passing notes in school.
 
                                     STAN
                         It wasn't my note, dude. It was some 
                         girl's.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Okay. Stanley, we're all here to get 
                         to the root of your behavior disorder.
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         You really should know better, Stanley.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         You need to shape up, mister!

                                     SHARON
                          Don't interrupt me! You always interrupt 
                         me when I talk! Can't you see that I-?
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                          I don't interrupt you.

                                     SHARON
                         There, you did it again!  He interrupted 
                         me again.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Okay, uh-. Perhaps you should let your 
                         wife finish talking, Mr. Marsh. Now, 
                         Stan, I want to you to be-.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Okay, I'm sorry I interrupt. But she 
                         always takes over any conversation!
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Uh. U-uh, taking over any conversation's 
                         bad.
 
                                     SHARON
                          Like you're one to talk! When's the 
                         last time you really listened to what 
                         I had to say?!
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          Uuuhh. Mmm mkay.

                                     RANDY
                         When was the last time you had anything 
                         interesting to say? It's always gossip 
                         and stupid crap!
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Okay uh uh uh-apparently we have a bit 
                         of a communication problem here. Uh, 
                         Mr. Marsh, tell me how you're feeling.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Welluh, I feel like everything I do 
                         is wrong, it doesn't matter what I say.
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Mkay. That's valid. Now, uh, Mrs. Marsh-
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Excuse me.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         -how do you feel?

                                     SHARON
                         Like I'm a ghost. Like he sees right 
                         through me.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Oh, please!

                                     STAN
                         Hello?

                                     SHARON
                         Oh, please yourself!

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Who tries to control the marriage? And 
                         by that I mean, who's dominating the 
                         aspects of the relatioship?
 
                                     SHARON
                         He is. 

                                     RANDY
                         No, she is. 

                                     SHARON
                         Oh, I'm sorry! I guess I'm wrong again! 
                         
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Mmkay.

               [The Cartman house. Foreman Cartman is back at the blueprint]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Look at it, Kenny! It is the greatest 
                         clubhouse ever built! 
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Uh huh)

                                     CARTMAN
                         And we built it, with our own hands. 
                         Now all we need is chicks, Kenny.
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah!)

                                     CARTMAN
                         All right. You go find chicks, Kenny.
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Well, why do I have to be the one to 
                         go and find chicks?)
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Because I have to stay here and work! 
                         I still have to shingle the roof, test 
                         the foundation, run all kinds of expenses. 
                         I've got way too much to do, and all 
                         you have to do is to go find chicks! 
                         Now, stop your bitchin'!  Mom? Can I 
                         watch American Gladiators?
 
               [The Marsh house. Kyle is on the clubhouse floor, waiting as 
               Stan climbs up the steps. A tire swing hangs from the foundation]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         Dude! Where have you been? I've been 
                         waiting all afternoon.
 
                                     STAN
                         I got in trouble for that note Bebe 
                         was trying to pass to you.
 
                                     KYLE
                         To me??

                                     STAN
                         I mean, no. Not to you. Forget it. Come 
                         on, dude. We have to finish our clubhouse 
                         quick. The girls wanna play Truth or 
                         Dare tomorrow! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         We should use nails, dude.

                                     STAN
                         My mom won't let us. 

                                     WENDY
                          Hi, guys. How's the clubhouse coming?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Pretty good. We're almost done.

                                     WENDY
                         Well, hurry! We wanna play Truth or 
                         Dare!
 
                                     STAN
                         We're going as fast as we can!

                                     BEBE
                         Kyle, could you turn around for a second? 
                          Thank you! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Come on, dude, we have to hammer faster.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Hey, Stan. Do you know how to play Truth 
                         or Dare?
 
                                     STAN
                         No.

                                     KYLE
                         Well dude, how the hell are we supposed 
                         to play it, then?
 
                                     STAN
                         I didn't even think about that.

               [Chef's house. Candles line his dining room wall, and Stan is 
               at the table with him]
 
                                     CHEF
                         And then, they'll ask, "Truth or Dare?'
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         And I say, "Dare!"

                                     CHEF
                         No no! You say, "Truth."

                                     STAN
                         "Truth?" But that's boring! I want to 
                         get "Dare" to kiss her.
 
                                     CHEF
                         You have to say "Truth" the first few 
                         times. Or else, you seem too eager.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Oooh.

                                     CHEF
                         You can't seem too eager. You've got 
                         to play it cool, like you don't even 
                         care what happens.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah.

                                     CHEF
                         Then, after a few "Truth"s, you finally 
                         answer, "Dare."
 
                                     STAN
                         "Dare!"

                                     CHEF
                         But not like that, son. Like this: "Daaare" 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Oooh.

                                     CHEF
                         And then her little friend will dare 
                         you to kiss Wendy.
 
                                     STAN
                         You really think so?

                                     CHEF
                         Of course she will. They're women. They've 
                         had this whole thing planned out months 
                         ahead of time.
 
                                     STAN
                         Wow!

               [The Cartman house. Cartman is watching TV and munching on Cheesy 
               Poofs]
 
                                     FAT ABBOT
                         Heeyy hey hey. What's goin' down, y'all?
 
                         
                                     RUDY
                         Man, Fat Abbot. What are you doin' on 
                         this side of the 'hood?
 
                                     FAT ABBOT
                         You know somethin', Rudy? You're like 
                         school in summertime.
 
                                     RUDY
                         School in summertime?

                                     FAT ABBOT
                         Yeah, bitch, school in summertime!  
                         Open yo' fuckin' ears and shit, ho, 
                         or I'll pop your bitch ass.
 
                                     DONALD
                         I'llba poppa yourba bitcha assa tooba, 
                         bitcha.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What the hell is goin' on in this cartoon? 
                          Oh. Hey, Kenny, did you find any chicks 
                         to come to the clubhouse?
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Uh-huh) 

                                     BLONDE
                         Hi. We ran away from home.

                                     BRUNETTE
                         Well like, this kid told us we might 
                         be able to crash at your clubhouse for 
                         a couple of days.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Holy crap!  Behold! The Ewok Village 
                         2000!
 
                                     BLONDE
                         Oh well, I guess it beats living at 
                         home,
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Can I offer you ladies a cool beverage? 
                         Or a tasty snack? 
 
               [The Marsh house, the phone rings. Stan answers]

                                     STAN
                         Hello?

                                     CARTMAN
                          How's the clubhouse coming, Stan?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         We're working on it.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, I just thought I'd tell you that 
                         me and Kenny have finished our clubhouse, 
                         and we already have chicks over.
 
                                     STAN
                         No, you don't!  Dude!

                                     CARTMAN
                         It's only a matter of time before we're 
                         playin' Truth or Dare with them. Good 
                         luck with your piece of crap clubhouse, 
                         stupid asshole.
 
                                     STAN
                         Aw, that hunk of fat-  Mom, will you 
                         please ask Dad to come help me build 
                         my clubhouse?
 
                                     SHARON
                         Stanley, I think you should know that 
                         your father has moved out.
 
                                     STAN
                         What?! Why?

                                     SHARON
                         Because, we're divorced, Stanley.

                                     STAN
                         Divorced? On no. Does that mean you 
                         and Dad don't love me anymore? This 
                         is all my fault, isn't it?
 
                                     SHARON
                         Yeah, kind of.

                                     STAN
                         …Dude, you're not supposed to say that!
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         But I would like you to meet your new 
                         stepfather, Roy.
 
                                     ROY
                         Hello, son.

                                     STAN
                         What?!

                                     SHARON
                         I'll leave you two alone to get acquainted. 
                         
 
                                     ROY
                         Hello, Stanley. I know this must be 
                         a very difficult period for you right 
                         now, and the adjustment is going to 
                         take some time. But I'd like to be your 
                         friend. So when you're ready, I want 
                         you to feel free to come to me with 
                         anything you might need, whether it's 
                         advice, or- just someone to play catch 
                         with. You can count on me.
 
                                     STAN
                         This is happening way too fast.

                                     ROY
                         Oh, Jesus! When are you gonna cut me 
                         some slack, huh?! I have taken you under 
                         my wing and done my best, and all you 
                         ever do is whine and moan about it! 
                         Now, for the last time, go cut some 
                         firewood! 
 
               [The Cartman house. The teenage girls explain themselves]

                                     BLONDE
                         So, I'm on my way out the door, and 
                         she goes, "Make sure you're home before 
                         midnight!"
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ahaw, that's weak.

                                     BLONDE
                         And I go, "Listen, bitch! I don't need 
                         my mother giving me no curfew!"
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         That's killer.

                                     BLONDE
                         And she goes, "Yeah, well, if you're 
                         not home befoe midnight, don't bother 
                         coming home at all!"
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         That's totally weak!

                                     BLONDE
                         So I go, "Fine! I won't come home!"
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Sweet.

                                     BLONDE
                         And then she goes, "Fine! Don't come 
                         home!", getting all up in my face and 
                         crap and acting all tough and crap.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Killer weak sweet!

                                     BLONDE
                         I'm sixteen. I should be able to do 
                         what I want when I want.  I don't need 
                         her breathing down my neck every two 
                         seconds telling me what I can and cannot 
                         do!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I had the same thing with my mom the 
                         other day. I'm all like, "Ey! I am not 
                         a little kid anymore! Ma, I'm eight 
                         years old! And if I wanna fingerpaint, 
                         then I'm gona fingerpaint!" 
 
               [the Marsh house. Stan and Kyle have built the clubhouse and 
               are putting the finishing touches on it]
 
                                     STAN
                         Okay. We're done.

                                     KYLE
                          Dude, I don't think this is very sturdy. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         It doesn't matter, dude. It only has 
                         to last long enough to play Truth or 
                         Dare. I'm gonna go get the girls. 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Okay.

                                     STAN
                          G'oh?

                                     SHARON
                         Stanley, it's time to go!

                                     STAN
                         Go where?

                                     SHARON
                         Your bastard father has visitation rights, 
                         and this is his time with you.
 
                                     STAN
                         But no! I have to get the girls to come-
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         Come on, Stanley! 

                                     STAN
                         Weak!  Dad?

                                     RANDY
                         Hey, Stanley, uuh, hop in.  Listen, 
                         Stanley, I I know all this change must 
                         be tough on you, but you know, your- 
                         your mother and I thought it'd be best 
                         for all of us if we'd split up.
 
                                     STAN
                         But I don't understand why we have to-
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                          Well, hello, ladies.

                                     PASSENGER
                          Hi, handsome. We're gonna be at Larry's 
                         Bar tonight.
 
                                     RANDY
                          I'm already there.  What were we talking 
                         about? Oh yeah. See, your mother and 
                         I still care about you and your sister. 
                         But we just don't like being around 
                         each other any more.
 
                                     STAN
                         Well, I don't like being around my sister 
                         anymore; does that mean I can leave 
                         her, too?
 
                                     RANDY
                         Well, no, because you're a family! You 
                         just can't leave family; you have to 
                         stick with family, no matter what.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         But you and Mom are family; how come 
                         you can just split up?  You know what 
                         I think? I think that when you and Mom 
                         got married, you became family. And 
                         now that you are, you shouldn't be able 
                         to leave her anymore than I can leave 
                         my sister.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Hoho, Stan, you're so young. You just 
                         don't get it.  Well, anyway, have a 
                         nice day.
 
                                     STAN
                         What? That's it?

                                     RANDY
                         Yeah. But I loved our time together. 
                         I hate to see it end. Go on, get out. 
                          You know that nothing is more important 
                         to me than you, right, Stan?
 
                                     STAN
                         I gguess, but- 

               [Stan's clubhouse. He and Kyle are inside looking out the window]
 
               
                                     STAN
                         Okay, dude, the girls are gonna be here 
                         to play Truth or Dare any minute.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Stan, if I didn't know you better, I 
                         would almost think you're doing this 
                         because you wanna play with girls.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         No way, dude! Don't be silly.

                                     BEBE
                          Come on, Wendy.

                                     STAN
                         We have to say "Truth" a couple of times 
                         before we say "Dare," right?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Right. Why?

                                     STAN
                         Because if we don't, we'll seem too 
                         eager.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Too eager to what?

                                     STAN
                         To say "Dare," dumbass! Jeez.

                                     WENDY
                          Hi, guys. 

                                     STAN
                         Oh, hi Wendy. What's up?

                                     BEBE
                         Don't you guys still wanna play "Truth 
                         or Dare"?
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah! I mean, sure, whatever.

                                     BEBE
                         Then come on! 

                                     STAN
                          Remember, "Truth" the first couple 
                         of times.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Okay.

                                     BEBE
                         Who wants to go first?

                                     WENDY
                         I will. Kyle?

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah?

                                     WENDY
                         Truth, or Dare?

                                     KYLE
                         Umm. Dare?

                                     STAN
                          Dude!

                                     KYLE
                         What?

                                     WENDY
                          How about we give him Bebe?

                                     BEBE
                          Okay.

                                     WENDY
                          Okay.

                                     BEBE
                          Okay.

                                     WENDY
                         Kiss Bebe on the lips!

                                     KYLE
                         What?!! Sick, dude, I'm not kissing 
                         a girl!
 
                                     WENDY
                         What's the matter, Kyle?

                                     KYLE
                         It's just wrong, that's all.

                                     STAN
                         Don't be a chicken, dude. Just close 
                         your eyes.
 
                                     KYLE
                         What the hell have you gotten me into?!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Dude, Cartman is in his clubhouse playing 
                         Truth or Dare with girls right now. 
                         You really want him to beat us?
 
                                     KYLE
                          Hoh boy.  Sick!  Aaaaah! Fucking sickening! 
                         
 
                                     BEBE
                          Wow, look at that ass! Shake it, baby!
 
                         
                                     WENDY
                         Your turn, Bebe.

                                     BEBE
                          Okay, Stan. Truth or Dare?  Stan, Truth 
                         or Dare?
 
                                     STAN
                          Dare.

                                     ROY
                          Son, could you please help me with 
                         the firewood?
 
                                     STAN
                         …Dude, we cut firewood all day yesterday! 
                         We have enough to last twelve years!
 
                         
                                     ROY
                         When will you let me in?! Let me love 
                         you?! Now, get your ass out here and 
                         help me!
 
                                     WENDY
                         Bye, Stan. Hopefully we can play Truth 
                         or Dare tomorrow.
 
                                     STAN
                         Crap!

               [Cartman's clubhouse. Meaningful discussions are taking place]
 
               
                                     BLONDE
                         I think you should be able to move out 
                         legally when you're fourteen.
 
                                     BRUNETTE
                          Our moms won't even let us smoke.
 
                         
                                     BLONDE
                         Yeah, it's my body. My mom always gives 
                         me shit for smoking, but it's my body. 
                         I should be able to do whatever I want 
                         with it.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Totally. Uuuuuh my mom gives me shit 
                         sometimes, and I tell her to shut her 
                         hole before I kick her in the nuts!
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                          Eric, snookums! it's time for Mommy 
                         to tuck you into your snuggleboat for 
                         night-night!  Eric? Are you out there 
                         in your clubhouse?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Coming, Mom.  Okay, we have to play 
                         Truth or Dare, quick!
 
                                     GUY IN LEATHER JACKET
                         Hey, girls.

                                     GUY WITH LONG HAIR
                         What's up.

                                     BLONDE
                         Oh hey, Scott.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Who the hell are you?!

                                     BRUNETTE
                         Uhwe invited some people over. Hope 
                         you don't mind.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         How many people?

               [The bus stop, next day. Kyle is alone, and Bebe walks up]

                                     BEBE
                         Kyle, can I talk to you?

                                     KYLE
                         Okay.

                                     BEBE
                         Kyle, this is very difficult for me. 
                         I think we need time apart.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Huh?

                                     BEBE
                         I'm just feeling really trapped. I can't 
                         go on with this codependency.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Okay, that's fine.

                                     BEBE
                          No, no. Don't speak. Just try and understand. 
                         It has to be this way.
 
                                     KYLE
                          But I don't care.

                                     BEBE
                         Please. Just remember the good times 
                         we have. I'll never forget you. Never. 
                          Okay, Clyde, we can go now.
 
                                     CLYDE
                         Bitchin'. 

               [The Marsh house. Roy is looking at a home decorating show. Stan 
               comes in]
 
                                     HOST
                         These are café curtains that require 
                         no sewing, and I know you all love that! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Do you mind if I watch cartoons? I've 
                         had a rough day.
 
                                     ROY
                         Nnuuhunuuhh.

                                     STAN
                         What?

                                     ROY
                         Chores. Do chores.

                                     STAN
                         My dad lets me watch cartoons.

                                     ROY
                         Well I'm not your dad. Okay? I'm NOT 
                         your dad! You jyou can't just go around 
                         playing games with my emotions. 
 
                                     SHARON
                          Stanley, what did you do to Roy?!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Roy's a dick! He ruined my chances with 
                         Wendy in the clubhouse!
 
                                     SHARON
                          Stanley, you know you're the most imprtant 
                         thing to me, right?
 
                                     STAN
                         If that's true, then get back together 
                         with Dad for me!
 
                                     SHARON
                         Now Stanley, you have to understand 
                         how divorce works. When I say, "you're 
                         the most imprtant thign to me," what 
                         I mean is, you're the most important 
                         thing after me and my happiness and 
                         my new romances.
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh.

                                     SHARON
                         Bye now. Roy! 

                                     STAN
                         Divorce is stupid! 

                                     FAT ABBOT
                         Heeyy heeyy heeyy! Hey Yolanda. Why 
                         is your eye all black and blue and shit?
 
                         
                                     YOLANDA
                         Maaan, Fat Abbot. My stepdad popped 
                         me in my eye.
 
                                     FAT ABBOT
                         Stepdad? You gotta off his ass!

                                     YOLANDA
                         Really?

                                     FAT ABBOT
                         Yeah, bitch! Snatch his ass in a bear 
                         trap! Leave that motherfucker swingin' 
                         from a tree so high nobody finds him 
                         for days! Glock-glock, you know what 
                         I'm sayin'? Dumbassed motherfucker pullin' 
                         shit! Damn!
 
                                     YOLANDA
                         You're right, Fat Abbot. Thanks!

                                     FAT ABBOT
                         No problem, ho. Maybe later you can 
                         suck my dick, bitch-ho! Shit!
 
                                     BILL
                         Well, Fat Abbot and the gang sure done 
                         learned somethin' today. If you have 
                         a stepdad ridin' your ass, just snatch 
                         his ass in a bear trap. Grine! No more 
                         stepdad. See ya next time eatin' the 
                         pudding.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah. Yeah, I think I'll write a little 
                         note for Roy! 
 
               [Cartman's clubhouse, that night. The place is jumping. Music 
               is blaring and a small crowd mills around the clubhouse. The 
               long-haired teenager, standing next to the radio, passes out. 
               Cartman brings a tray holding a box and bowl of Cheesy Poofs]
 
               
                                     OLDER KID
                         Hey, kid! Give me some of those! 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Hey! When are we gonna play Truth or 
                         Dare?
 
                                     BLONDE
                         What? That game's for kids.

                                     CARTMAN
                         This is bullcrap! 

                                     RANDY
                          Oh boy, it's getting late. I'm gonna 
                         have to leave this party.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         This sucks, Kenny! I wish we'd never 
                         built a clubhouse! 
 
                                     PUNK
                         MOSH PIT!

                                     KENNY
                          (Huh?) 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

                                     KYLE
                          You bastard!

               [The Marsh house]

                                     SHARON
                         Stanley?! Your father is coming over 
                         for visitation! Stan?  Meet me in the 
                         clubhouse. 
 
                                     ROY
                          Sharon? Sharon, have you seen my copy 
                         of Harper's?  Meet me at the clubhouse.
 
                         
               [In the clubhouse. Randy is alone there]

                                     SHARON
                          Oh, Randy. What are you doing here? 
                         
 
                                     RANDY
                         Iii-uuh got a note from Stanley to come 
                         out to the-uh clubhouse.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Oh I thought that note was for me.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Oh, maybe it was.

                                     SHARON
                          Well, it looks like our little Stanley 
                         has built himself quite a clubhouse 
                         here.
 
                                     RANDY
                         I remember not too long ago we were 
                         just kids playing kissing games in my 
                         clubhouse.
 
                                     SHARON
                          Goodnight.

                                     RANDY
                         Sharon?

                                     SHARON
                         Yes? 

                                     RANDY
                         Truth or Dare?

                                     SHARON
                         It's too late for games. 

                                     RANDY
                         No, I'm serious, please. Truth or Dare?
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         Truth.

                                     RANDY
                         Do you still love me?

                                     SHARON
                         Oh, Randy, I do love you, but- now I'm 
                         so confused-uh. I'm living with Roy 
                         and-, I don't know how to break it off 
                         with him.
 
                                     ROY
                          Sharon-  Guh-ow! Uh. Ey! Uh.

                                     RANDY
                         Well, you never know. Maybe-

                                     ROY
                         He-

                                     RANDY
                         -thing will work out.

                                     ROY
                         Hello?

                                     SHARON
                         Maybe. I guess it's my turn. Truth or 
                         Dare?
 
                                     ROY
                         Sharon?

                                     RANDY
                          Dare.

                                     SHARON
                         Do me. Right here in the clubhouse! 
                         
 
                                     ROY
                         Hello? Hel-lo? Could- could somebody 
                         get me d-? Hello?
 
                                     STAN
                          Wow. Clubhouses are magical.

               [Next day, back at the clubhouse. Stan, Wendy, and Bebe are there. 
               So is Clyde]
 
                                     BEBE
                         Okay. It's my turn. Stan? Truth or Dare?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Dare. 

                                     BEBE
                         Take this stick and jam it up your peehole.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         …What?!

                                     WENDY
                         Wow, that sucks!

                                     BEBE
                         Do you think it'll hurt?

               [End of Clubhouses. Roy is still dangling from the tree outside]
 
               
                                     ROY
                         Hello? I sure am hungry. Anybody? It 
                         certainly does suck right here. Hello? 
                         Shuh- Sharon? Sharon, hello?
  


Clubhouses



Writers :   Trey Parker  Nancy Pimental
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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