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ALL SCRIPTS



 
                                       "SOUTH PARK"

                                       Episode 205

                                  "CONJOINED FETUS LADY"

                                        Written by

                         Trey Parker, Matt Stone & David Goodman



               [South Park Elementary Gym]

                                     CHEF
                         Okay, children, it's Friday, and you 
                         know what that means for PE class. We're 
                         gonna play dodgeball! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         We don't wanna play dodgeball. It hurts.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah.

                                     CHEF
                         So let's have half the children on this 
                         side  and half the children on that 
                         side 
 
                                     PIP
                          Uuh. Excuse me a moment, gentlemen. 
                         I don't believe I know how to play dodgeball.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          What? Don't you have dodgeball in France?
 
                         
                                     PIP
                         Well, no. And actually, I'm not from 
                         France-
 
                                     STAN
                         Look, Pip, the rules are simple. A kid 
                         from that team is gonna try to bean 
                         a kid on our team in the head with a 
                         big red ball.
 
                                     PIP
                         Oh, dear.

                                     STAN
                         If the ball hits you, you're out, but 
                         if you catch the ball, he's out, and 
                         the last team to still have anybody 
                         standing wins.
 
                                     PIP
                         Oh, what jolly good fun!

                                     KYLE
                         No it isn't, it hurts! I can't believe 
                         they let us play this in school.
 
                                     [THE TEAMS ARE AS FOLLOWS
                         
                                     TEAM 1
                         Kyle, Clyde, Kenny, Stan, Cartman, Pip, 
                         Jordan, Swanson, and one other
 
                                     TEAM 2
                         Bill, Fosse, Kevin, Bebe, and five others]
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                          Play ball! 

                                     CLYDE
                         Ow! Ahow-ow-ooooowww!

                                     STAN
                         Dammit, we lost one already!

                                     CHEF
                         Aheeheh, you're out, Clyde! Heheheh.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Jordan, Swanson, pull forward! We need 
                         backup! 
 
                                     JORDAN
                         Aaaaah!

                                     STAN
                         We're losing men fast out here! 

                                     CHEF
                          Concentrate on your ge-hame! Be the 
                         buhaw-hall! 
 
                                     KYLE
                          I caught it! I caught it!

                                     CHEF
                         Great catch, Kyle! Now your team's on 
                         offense!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Here, Pip. You throw. 

                                     PIP
                          Ugh. On, no, I couldn't.

                                     KYLE
                         Come on, limey, don't be a wuss! Are 
                         you just gonna be a little French pig 
                         your whole life?
 
                                     PIP
                         I'm not French-

                                     KYLE
                         Throw the ball, you stupid frog!  God-damn, 
                         maybe if you didn't eat all those croissants 
                         , you'd be able to thr-ow! 
 
                                     CHEF
                         Okay, that was pretty good, Pip. But 
                         you're supposed to hit the kids on the 
                         other team.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Ow, my nose! You broke my nose!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Damn, Pip. I didn't know you had it 
                         in you.
 
                                     PIP
                         Ogh! I'm dreadfully sorry!

                                     CHEF
                         That nose is bleeding pretty bad, Kyle. 
                         I think you might have to go to the 
                         nurse's office. 
 
                                     KYLE
                          No. No, it'll be okay!

                                     CHEF
                         Sorry, son. You'll have to let the nurse 
                         look at it. Come on 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh. Noooo!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Dude! He's going to the nurse's office.
 
                         
                                     CLYDE
                         I heard the school nurse is hideously 
                         deformed.
 
                                     BEBE
                         I heard she has tentacles and eats children 
                         for lunch.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Stan? Has anybody actually seen the 
                         nurse, and come back to tell about it?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          No, Cartman. Nobody ever has.

               [Nurse's Office. Kyle's shadow is on the window. He waits with 
               his hand on his nose. He sees a mouse nibble at some cheese and 
               run away. He looks up, and a door epens.]
 
               Nurse Gollum

               [Kyle looks and shuts his eyes tight]

                                     NURSE GOLLUM
                         Are you Kyle Broflovski? 

                                     KYLE
                         Ye-yes.

                                     NURSE GOLLUM
                         I'm the school nurse. Did you hurt your 
                         nose?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Ye- yes.

                                     NURSE GOLLUM
                         Young man, Why do you have your eyes 
                         closed? I'm not gonna hurt you.
 
                                     KYLE
                         I know.

                                     NURSE GOLLUM
                         So open them. 

                                     KYLE
                          Oh.  Phew.

                                     NURSE GOLLUM
                         Now, what seems to be the problem?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Aw, I just hit my nose playing dodgeball.
 
                         
                                     NURSE GOLLUM
                         Oh. Well, I'll get you an ice pack. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

                                     NURSE GOLLUM
                         What?

                                     KYLE
                         OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH my God!

                                     NURSE GOLLUM
                         Oh. I see you've noticed my disorder. 
                         I have a stillborn fetus growth attached 
                         to my head.
 
                                     KYLE
                         AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

               [After school, at Kyle's house. The boys are there to listen 
               to Kyle's story]
 
                                     KYLE
                         …And when she moved up and down, the 
                         little fetus jiggled.
 
                                     THE OTHERS
                         Eewwww!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Did it talk? The little fetus, did it 
                         talk?
 
                                     KYLE
                         No. No-it looked dead.

                                     THE OTHERS
                         Eewwww!

                                     STAN
                         Wa- was it wearing clothes?

                                     KYLE
                          Dude, where is she gonna get fetus 
                         clothes?
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh, yeah. Eeww.

                                     THE OTHERS
                         Eewwww!

                                     KYLE
                         And then she walked over to-

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Kyle! That is enough! I've been reading 
                         up on your poor nurse's condition, and 
                         it is nothing to be made fun of. It's 
                         called 'conjoined twin myslexia!'
 
                         
               FREAKS!

               A - Z

                                     CARTMAN
                         Who the hell cares what it's called, 
                         as long as she doesn't have to touch 
                         me.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Now, that's just the kind of unawareness 
                         that we need to fight against. Sit down, 
                         boys.  You see boys, sometimes, when 
                         babies are born, they're born as twins. 
                         But sometimes the twins get hooked together, 
                         and they're born as Siamese twins. 
 
                         
               The Boys	Gross!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         But sometimes, after the Siamese twins 
                         are joined together, one of the twins 
                         dies before birth. The living baby is 
                         born with the dead baby still attached. 
                          Sometimes, this dead twin is inside 
                         the living person, so even you could 
                         have a dead twin inside you and not 
                         even know it! 
 
                                     STAN
                         AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

                                     CARTMAN
                         AAAAA! Let me live! AAAAA!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         So now that you're educated about her 
                         disease, you won't need to make fun 
                         of her. Right, bubbe?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Uuuuuh. Yeah. 

               [The dining room. Sheila serves dinner to Gerald as he reads 
               the newspaper]
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Can you imagine that poor, poor woman?
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Mm-hmm.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Feeling like an outcast? Being ridiculed 
                         every day?
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Mm-hmm. 

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Hello?

                                     SHARON
                         Hello, Sheila? It's Sharon, Stan's mother. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh, yes. Hello, Sharon.

                                     SHARON
                         Uh-Sheila, I was just wondering if you 
                         might know why my son is trying to split 
                         his head open with an ice pick?
 
                                     STAN
                          No! I have to get it out!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Well, Sharon, I was just trying to educate 
                         them about conjoined twin myslexia.
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         So this is your fault.

                                     STAN
                         Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

                                     RANDY
                         Damn it, stop.  Oh!  Damm it!

                                     SHARON
                         Would you do me a favor? Next time you 
                         want to scare the hell out of my child, 
                         just go outside and sit in the road 
                         until a truck runs you over instead? 
                         
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          That does it! I must educate the entire 
                         town about this awful disease!
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Mm-hmm.

               [South Park Elementary Gym]

                                     STAN
                          Dude, I don't get it. Why are we playing 
                         dodgeball again?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah. I thought we only played on Fridays.
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                          Children! Great news! We've been asked 
                         to play in the State Finals for dodgeball!
 
                         
                                     ALL
                         Groan.

                                     STAN
                         Aw, do we have to?

                                     KYLE
                         Can't we just play with that big parachute 
                         again or something?
 
                                     CHEF
                         You-you don't understand, children. 
                         If we can win State, we can play in 
                         the Nationals in Washington, D.C.!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Heyh! They have a zoo there!

                                     CHEF
                         That's right! Now, come on! We have 
                         a lot of practicing to do! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Aren't we supposed to have won something 
                         in order to go to State Finals?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey, Pip. Do you wanna be on my team 
                         again?
 
                                     PIP
                         I'd love to!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Now, let's try not to send anyone to 
                         that monster nurse this time, Frenchy.
 
                         
                                     PIP
                         Hey! I get quite disturbed when you 
                         call me that! You shouldn't make fun 
                         of foreigners!  And besides, I hate 
                         French people! 
 
               [Principal Victoria's office. She's meeting with Mr. Mackey and 
               Sheila]
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Wwell, Mrs. Broflovski, it certainly 
                         is a thrill seeing your cheery face 
                         again. What seems to be pissing you 
                         off today?
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Nothing is pissing me off! I jsut wanta 
                         start a movement.
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Yah-of course you do!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         I want to talk to you all about your 
                         school nurse. 
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Uh. Nurse Gollum is absolutely qualified 
                         to be a-
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         No, no no. I'm not upset about her. 
                         I want to make the public aware of her. 
                         Her disease should be brought to light 
                         so that it can be understood rather 
                         than made fun of.
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Oh. And uh what disease is that?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Uh, Principal Victoria, Nurse Gollum 
                         has conjoined twin myslexia.
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         What's that?

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         She has a dead fetus attached to her 
                         head.
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                          She does?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Yeah-uh. You never noticed that?

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         No-o, I never did.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Well, that's exactly what I'm talking 
                         about. This poor woman is forced to 
                         live in the shadows because she feels 
                         like an outcast. It is up to us to make 
                         her feel comf'table and welcome in our 
                         town!
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Did you say a fetus, sticking out from 
                         her head?
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         I want to invite your nurse to a dinner 
                         party at my house this evening. I'd 
                         appreciate it if both you and Mr. Mackey 
                         would attend.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Do we have to eat kosher stuff?

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Well, I'll talk to Nurse Gollum, but 
                         I'm sure she'll be delighted. Let's 
                         say around 8?
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Wonderful!

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Now, you did say she has a fetus on 
                         her head?
 
               [A mountain road. The class is on its way to the State Finals]
 
               
               DENVER

               45 MILES

                                     CHEF
                          Okay children.  Now, who's gonna win 
                         the State Finals? 
 
                                     CLYDE
                         Denver?

                                     CHEF
                         Here we go Ca-ows, here we go: Unh! 
                         Unh!
 
                                     # HERE WE GO CA-OWS, HERE WE GO
                         Unh! Unh! 

               
               I think we need to get off on this exit.

                                     MRS. CRABTREE
                         SIT DOWN, KID!!

                                     CHEF
                         But it's quicker to get to the Denver 
                         school that way!
 
                                     MRS. CRABTREE
                         DO YOU WANT AN OFFICE REFERRAL?!

                                     CHEF
                         How mant times do I have to explain 
                         this to you?! I'm not a student! You 
                         can't give me an office referral, and-!
 
                         
                                     MRS. CRABTREE
                         I SAID SIT DOOWWN!!!

                                     CHEF
                          Yes, ma'am.

               
               DENVER ELEMENTARY

               [The kids arrive]

                                     STAN
                         Whoa! Dude! This is a school?

               
               DODGEBALL

               STATE

               FINALS

               [the crowd is cheering. Cows fans are scattered among the crowd]
 
               
                                     BOB THOMAS
                         Hello, there. I'm Bob Thomas, the coach 
                         for the Denver Cougars. 
 
                                     CHEF
                         I'm Chef, coach of the South Park Cows.
 
                         
                                     BOB THOMAS
                         Welll, I certainly want to thank you 
                         for bringing your team down. Apparently, 
                         nobody else would play us because they 
                         knew we'd just beat 'em silly. Soo, 
                         I told the school board to find me some 
                         hick school from the mountains, and 
                         here you are!  You're from South Park, 
                         yeah?
 
                                     CHEF
                          Yeah.

                                     BOB THOMAS
                         My G-hod, amazing where people can live 
                         nowadays. Well, we might as well get 
                         this over with; we've gotta start thinking 
                         about D.C. Promise we won't make it 
                         too painful. 
 
                                     REFEREE
                         Play ball!

               [Dinner at the Broflovski house. Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, 
               and Nurse Gollum are there, with her conjoined fetus out of view]
 
               
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Ehso-uuuh where did you get your degree, 
                         Nurse Gollum?
 
                                     NURSE GOLLUM
                         Colorado State.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Aaaaah.

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Oh. 

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Sheila, could you pass me the dead fetus? 
                          I mean, gravy.  OW!
 
               [Denver Elementary. The Cougars are serving. Player 1 throws 
               the ball]
 
                                     BLACK BOY
                          Ow! 

                                     CHEF
                         Dammit, Come on!  Somebody catch the 
                         ball! 
 
                                     BOB THOMAS
                         Alright, boys, jsut five more of the 
                         little bastards to go. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I caught it, I caught it!

                                     PLAYER 1
                         Oh, that's not fair. He's so fat, it 
                         stuck in his belly.
 
                                     REFEREE 2
                         South Park on offense!

                                     CHEF
                         Great job, children! Just stay focused 
                         now
 
                                     KYLE
                         Go for it, Pip. 

                                     PIP
                          Oh, bother.

                                     KYLE
                         Come on, you Frenchy little frog!

                                     PIP
                         Gaaah! 

                                     CHEF
                         Whoahohoho! Great shot, Pip!

               [back at dinner]

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Ehsooo, I-ee hear that the South Park 
                         Cows are playing for the State Finals 
                         in dodgeball tonight.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Yeah, but you know, it-it doesn't matter 
                         though, the- the Denver team always 
                         wins, okay?
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Oh, I don't know. I think our boys might 
                         just have the dead fetus to win-heart!
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Gerald!  Keep your damn mouth shut!
 
                         
                                     NURSE GOLLUM
                         Ih-it's okay, Ms. Broflovski. Really.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          Please forgive us. Ah-I'm terribly 
                         sorry, Nurse Gollum.
 
                                     NURSE GOLLUM
                         No, I'm quite secure with it.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         I have felt so bad ever since I heard 
                         the boys making fun of you-
 
                                     NURSE GOLLUM
                         They're just young boys. Joking is a 
                         way for them to come to terms with what 
                         they don't understand.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Could I get some more pork?

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         So did you ever think of just, you know, 
                         having it cut off?
 
                                     NURSE GOLLUM
                         Yes, Principal Victoria, the thought 
                         had occurred to me. Unfortunately, it 
                         would mean my death.
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Ooohh, so I suppose that's out. Uhow 
                         about a hat, then?
 
                                     NURSE GOLLUM
                         No, really, I don't need a-

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Yes, we could get you a few hats and 
                         wear a different one every day. No big 
                         whoop!
 
                                     NURSE GOLLUM
                         I- really- appreciate what you're trying 
                         to do here, but it's not necessary. 
                         I'm- a pretty happy person.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         I've got it! We could set aside a whole 
                         week to make the public aware of folks 
                         just like you
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Oooohh, yeess, a Conjoined Twin Myslexia 
                         Awareness Week. You know, that has a 
                         nice ring-
 
                                     NURSE GOLLUM
                         But I really don't think-

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         The- the school could put out pamphlets, 
                         mkay? And we could have seminars to 
                         educate, mkay?
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Ooooh, this is so exciting! I'm gonna 
                         get the mayor on the phone right now! 
                         
 
               [Dodgeball State Finals]

                                     CHEF
                         You got just one more, Pip. You get 
                         this kid, and we are State Champions.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah. And if you don't, you're a big 
                         dumbass European hippie piece of crap! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Get him, Frenchy!

                                     PIP
                         Gaaah! 

                                     REFEREE 2
                         South Park wins! 

                                     CHEF
                         We did it, children, we did it! We're 
                         going to Washington, D.C.!
 
                                     PLAYER 6
                         Uh-hu-hu-hu-howieee!  Ihit hurhurts! 
                         Howieee!  Mommy, it huurts! Ihit hurhurts! 
                         
 
                                     CHEF
                         Oh. Sorry about whuppin' your ass there, 
                         Coach.
 
               
               Ooo, baby, come on.

               Just whup Denver's ass!

               Gonna need some cream for your ass, because

               We're winnin' there…

               # [he dances, and shows off his butt several times. He also turns 
               to make sure Coach Thomas is watching]
 
               [South Park Town Sqaure]

                                     THE MAYOR
                         Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed 
                         a great week for South Park. Miss Hermans 
                         has opened the east wing of the library, 
                         and our own South Park Cows Elementary 
                         School dodgeball team is going to the 
                         national finals!  Where they will undoubtably 
                         be beaten senseless by the Washington 
                         team.  But most importantly, this week 
                         has brought to my attention a very serious 
                         and dreaded disease. Conjoined Twin 
                         Myslexia. And so it is in honor of this 
                         that I declare this exciting week as 
                         Conjoined Twin Myslexia Week!  And now, 
                         let's kick off our weeklong festivities 
                         with the first Annual Grand Conjoined 
                         Parade!  Let's hear it for these brave 
                         souls!  What a glorious parade that 
                         was! Let's hear it for the parade coordinators! 
                         
 
                                     NURSE GOLLUM
                          You know, Mayor, I really should be 
                         accompanying those kids to Washington 
                         in case they get hurt. That is my job.
 
                         
                                     THE MAYOR
                          Nonsense. This is your week. You aren't 
                         going anywhere.
 
               [Somewhere near Washngton, D.C. The bus is going through a lovely 
               meadow]
 
                                     CHEF
                         How much further is Washington, D.C.?
 
                         
                                     MRS. CRABTREE
                         SIT DOWN, KID!!

                                     CHEF
                         I need to know how far it is, lady!
 
                         
                                     MRS. CRABTREE
                         I SAID SIT DOOWWN!!!

                                     CHEF
                          Yeah, whatever, you old, dried-up, 
                         fat ho.
 
                                     MRS. CRABTREE
                         WHAT DID YOU SAY?!!

                                     CHEF
                         Ah-I said, 'I've always wanted to visit 
                         Prague.'
 
                                     MRS. CRABTREE
                         D'ogh. Me too. 

                                     STAN
                          Okay, what have you got?

                                     KYLE
                         Some hackuh fish, some gefaggah-

                                     CARTMAN
                          I got a jelly roll! I got a jelly roll! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Sweet! Jelly roll is perfect!  Places! 
                         
 
                                     MRS. CRABTREE
                         AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! 

                                     THE KIDS
                         Whoa!

                                     KENNY
                         (Sheesh!)

               [A tourist sees the bus coming his way and tries to get out of 
               the way, but the bus crashes into the Vietnam Memorial's right 
               wall, and the engine bursts into flames. He was thrown to one 
               side. The right wall drops down three feet, taking the front 
               end of the bus with it and raising the back of the bus off the 
               ground five feet. Both front doors fall off]
 
               [At Grant Elementary's Gym. Championship banners going back to 
               1987 hang from the rafters. Posters line the walls]
 
                                     CHEF
                         Damn, man. This is the big time, alright.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Chef, we're hungry.

                                     CHEF
                         You can eat after the game! You children 
                         win this one, and you're National Champions! 
                         Then you can go on and play the Chinese.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         My mom says there's a lot of black people 
                         in China.
 
                                     CHEF
                         What?

                                     REFEREE
                         Are you Chef?

                                     CHEF
                         Yeah.

                                     REFEREE
                         The Washington team has forfeited the 
                         game. Congratulations, you're national 
                         champions.
 
                                     CHEF
                         What? We did it! Children, we won!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Wow! That was easy.

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear a round 
                         of applause for the new national champions 
                         of dodgeball! The South Park Cows! 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          Hey. Why did you guys forfeit?

                                     PLAYER
                         You mean, you don't know?

                                     KYLE
                         Know what?

                                     PLAYER
                         Last year's national champions were 
                         the Austin Pirates. They played China 
                         for the world championship. Only four 
                         of them came back alive. Chinese dodgeball 
                         players aren't like us. 
 
                                     MASTER
                         Bush langli. Woon taun. Waya ching gia!
 
                         
                                     PLAYER
                         They do nothing but dodgeball, day in, 
                         and day out. They use steroids and advanced 
                         training equipment to make them, not 
                         kids, but animals.  Well, good luck. 
                         We've got our futures to think about. 
                         
 
                                     CHEF
                          Okay, children. Back in the bus.

               [South Park City Hall. Many people are seated at table waiting 
               for the evening's events to unfold]
 
                                     THE MAYOR
                         And so, at this honorary dinner we take 
                         a look back at our beloved Nurse Gollum 
                         and the brave life she has lived. Roll 
                         the tape, please, Mr. Garrison. 
 
                                     NURSE GOLLUM
                          Oh, no!

               
               PICTURES OF

               COURAGE

               
               A FILM BY

               MR. GARRISON

                                     SINGER
                         You've got the strength, you've got 
                         the courage
 
               Even with a dead fetus on your head

               Carry on! Fight for tomorrow!

               Dead fetus or no, you never let go!

               
               You're my conjoined-twin, dead-thing-hanging-off-your-head woman
 
               
               # The Scenes	she's painting her house orange, and annoyed that 
               Garrison is filming it
 
               # she looks out the window, and is annoyed that he is still there, 
               filming
 
               # she's in her office

               # she's at the supermarket

               # annoyed, she's trying to cover the camera lens so Garrison 
               would stop filming
 
               # at the post office, she's trying to shoo him away

               # She's very angry that he's filming her

               # Now we see why. She's on the toilet, and she clamps her legs 
               shut, with hands before them for added security. She's outraged
 
               
               [there are sobs here and there, a smattering of applause]

                                     BARBRADY
                         Oh, that was so touching!

                                     THE MAYOR
                          Hand now, friends, hit's time to present 
                         the Lifetime Conjoined Twin Achievement 
                         Award. This award goes to outstanding 
                         conjoined twins who have made a mark 
                         on society. And the winner is 
 
                                     NURSE GOLLUM
                          Nurse Gollum.

                                     THE MAYOR
                         Nurse Gollum!! 

                                     NURSE GOLLUM
                         Oh boy.

                                     JIMBO
                          Excuse me, Mayor, but I just received 
                         some news that you might all be interested 
                         in.  Our South Park Cows have jsut beaten 
                         the Washington dodgeball team, and are 
                         on their way to the world championship 
                         in China. 
 
               [Somewhere near China. The bus is going down a slope]

                                     CHEF
                         Okay, children. Now, we're almost to 
                         China! I want you all to try and focus 
                         on your game.
 
                                     STAN
                         But Chef, we don't wanna play the Chinese!
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         Nonsense! If we win this one, we're 
                         world champions!
 
                                     KYLE
                         But we could get killed!

                                     CHEF
                         And just what price would you pay for 
                         eternal glory?  Just imagine: a big 
                         yellow Dodgeball Champions banner hanging 
                         in the cafeteria! Imagine it!
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, Chef has lost it.

                                     CHEF
                         You'll be in the news all over the world. 
                         South Park will finally have a sport 
                         that it's good at. Oooh, children. It'll 
                         be glorious.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Sure! Captain Ahab has to get his whale, 
                         huh? 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, what does that mean?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I dunno.

                                     STAN
                         Hey, isn't that kid Kevin Chinese? 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. You're from China.

                                     KEVIN
                         No, I'm from America. My parents are 
                         Chinese.
 
                                     STAN
                         Tell us how the Chinese play dodgeball!
 
                         
                                     KEVIN
                         I have no idea, dude.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Come on, rice-picker!

                                     CHEF
                         Hey, hey hey!  Children, that's not 
                         cool! You don't make fun of somebody 
                         because of their ethnicity!
 
                                     STAN
                         You don't?

                                     KYLE
                         But Chef, you just ripped on Chinese 
                         people.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Nonononono. That's different. I made 
                         fun of them because they are from China. 
                         You see, it's not okay to make fun of 
                         an American because they're black, brown, 
                         or whatever, but it is okay to make 
                         fun of foreigners because they are from 
                         another country.
 
                                     STAN, KYLE
                         Oooooh.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Oooh, I get it.

                                     KEVIN
                          Yeah.

               [The bus has reached the temple. On the side is a banner that 
               reads]
 
               GO COWS!

                                     MRS. CRABTREE
                          Haaaaaaaaa!

                                     SHORT CHINESE COMMENTATOR
                         Hiit ita wita great pride, that huwe 
                         huwelcome ourn American friends. Now 
                         let the  champions of dodgeball be deshide! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Damn, dude, China's fucked up!

                                     REFEREE
                         Take places!

                                     CHEF
                         All right. Let's go, Cows! Let's show 
                         'em what we've got.
 
                                     SHORT CHINESE COMMENTATOR
                         Okay, Kam, rooks rike a-mericans are 
                         getting ready to play. I don't suppose 
                         they'll have any problems seeing the 
                         ball with their BIG American eyes. 
 
                         
                                     KAM
                         Yeah. Good thing they have those uh 
                         big eyes so that they don't have to 
                         rery on that amazing American interect. 
                         
 
                                     SHORT CHINESE COMMENTATOR
                         Oh, you bet that stings!

                                     KAM
                         I can shing 'em.

                                     REFEREE
                         Praaayyy Brar! 

                                     CHEF
                         Holy crap.  God-dahamn!

                                     SHORT CHINESE COMMENTATOR
                         Hey, hey! What do you call white American 
                         person wit Ph.D. in a physics anda math?
 
                         
                                     KAM
                         Ah. I don't know. Rwat?

                                     SHORT CHINESE COMMENTATOR
                         Stupid American! 

                                     KAM
                         Aw! No, wait! 

               [A Chinese player takes aim at Cartman, who turns and runs away 
               squealing. The ball gets him anyway, and he tumbles away]
 
                                     SHORT CHINESE COMMENTATOR
                         Oooh, another American is down! It's 
                         numberrrr, aaahhhm. Oh, I don't know, 
                         all Americans look alike. 
 
               [A Chinese player serves and hits Kenny with such force that 
               the ball picks him up and splatters him against the wall, then 
               bounces up and away. Paint falls away and cracks are left in 
               the wall. Blood pours out quickly. The crowd jumps up and cheers]
 
               
                                     STAN
                         Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

                                     KYLE
                          You… bastards…

                                     SHORT CHINESE COMMENTATOR
                         Oooh, my. I haven't seen an American 
                         die like that since Abraham Lincoln! 
                         
 
                                     KAM
                         Dude, that isa not cool! You're gonna 
                         get us into trouble again.
 
               [South Park Town Square. The town is assembled yet again]

                                     THE MAYOR
                         Ladies and gentlemen, on this fourth 
                         day of Conjoined Twin Myslexia Week, 
                         all our prayers are with our little 
                         South Park Cows now playing their hearts 
                         out in China.  Now, join me in saluting 
                         our Cows and help make Nurse Gollum 
                         not feel like an outcast with our first 
                         official Conjoined Twin Myslexia Hat! 
                         
 
               [The Temple. Chef is tending to his injured players. Kyle is 
               hooked up to an IV unit. The other players are bandaged up according 
               to the severity of their injuries]
 
                                     SHORT CHINESE COMMENTATOR
                         And these is a only a one South Park 
                         prayer left.  Still aallll Chinese player. 
                         This should be over veerry shortly.
 
                         
                                     CHINESE KID
                         Come on! Throw ball!

                                     KAM
                         Hey! You ah wanna hear my impersonation 
                         of American?
 
                                     SHORT CHINESE COMMENTATOR
                         Yeah, yeah!

                                     KAM
                         Ah. Okay.  Hey. I rearry rearry want 
                         that. That hurts good. 
 
                                     SHORT CHINESE COMMENTATOR
                         Heyheyhey. Let me try, let me try.  
                         I'll use my credit card.  Eh. Eh. Uh. 
                         Do you have any non-dairy creamer? 
 
                         
                                     KAM
                         Yeah, Yeah!  Y'all come a-back now, 
                         hear? 
 
                                     CHEF
                          Oh! What have I done?  You know, Eric? 
                         I just realized something. I have been 
                         obsessed, and obsession isn't good. 
                          If we had won the world championship, 
                         what then?  It would only be a bigger 
                         letdown the nest year if we didn't win! 
                         Our lives would have to revolve around 
                         dodgeball. Our lives were fine before! 
                          Oh, I'm sorry, children. I let it all 
                         go to my head. Can you ever forgive 
                         me?  Come on, forget this stupid game! 
                         Let's go home.
 
                                     CHINESE KID
                         Come on! Praya ball!

                                     KEVIN
                          Hey, if you wanna make him throw the 
                         ball, say this. 
 
                                     PLAYER 70
                         Thank you, American dumbass!  You French 
                         piece of crap, throw ball.  What's the 
                         matter, Frenchy? You got crepes in your 
                         ears? 
 
                                     PIP
                         Aaaaaaaaah! 

                                     SHORT CHINESE COMMENTATOR
                         And the winner is South Park Cows! 
 
                         
                                     PIP
                         Everyone! Everyone, look! I won the 
                         game! We're world champions! Mr. Chef, 
                         Mr. Chef. South Park is the world champion 
                         in dodgeball. Oh, glorious day! 
 
                                     CHEF
                         Shut up, Pip!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, shut up, Pip!  Can we go home 
                         now?
 
                                     PIP
                         Did you all see? I can't believe I threw 
                         such a ball with my own arm. It was-
 
                         
                                     OTHER KIDS
                         Shut up, Pip!

               [South Park Town Square. The Mayor is on stage]

               The Mayor	This year as Conjoined Twin Myslexia Week draws to 
               a close, I wold like to personally thnak all of you for your 
               enthusiastic cooperation. [the crowd cheers] Now, let's hear 
               it one more time for our World Champion South Park Cows! [the 
               team is standing behind a low wall with a trophy at one end, 
               next to Chef]
 
                                     KYLE
                          What the hell is eveyone wearing on 
                         their heads?
 
                                     THE MAYOR
                         And now, let's hear from the woman of 
                         the week, the incredible, courageous, 
                         Nurse Gollum!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Aaah!

                                     STAN
                         Dude, it's the freak nurse!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Holy crap.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Dammit, Kyle! We've been working all 
                         week against that kind of behavior!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Well sorry, dude. We weren't here.
 
                         
                                     NURSE GOLLUM
                         Thank you, Mayor. I uhhh, wa-I… I don't 
                         know what to say; this has been quite 
                         a week.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          She's really touched.

                                     NURSE GOLLUM
                         What I really wanna say is… well, -egh 
                         this may sound odd coming from a woman 
                         with a fetus sticking out of her head, 
                         but… you're all a bunch of freaks! 
 
                         
                                     THE MAYOR
                          Uuhh. Freaks with big hearts! And now, 
                         le-
 
                                     NURSE GOLLUM
                         Don't you realize that the last thing 
                         I ever wanted was to be singled out? 
                          I just wanted to do my job and live 
                         my life like any normal person, but 
                         instead, you've made everybody focus 
                         on my handicap all week long.  Look, 
                         I don't want to be treated different. 
                         I don't want to be treated special orh-or 
                         treated gingerly or-I just want to be 
                         ridiculed, shouted at, and made fun 
                         of like all the rest of you do to each 
                         other.  And take those stupid things 
                         off your heads! 
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Oh, my. What an ungrateful bitch.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Yyeehh, the nerve of some people!

                                     KYLE
                         Hey, you know. That nurse is actually 
                         pretty cool.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah. Maybe that dead fetus makes her 
                         smarter.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I love you guys.  Ah, screw you guys.
 
                         
               [end of Conjoined Fetus Lady]
 


Conjoined fetus lady



Writers :   Trey Parker  Matt Stone  David Goodman
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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