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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS


 

                                       "SOUTH PARK"

                                       Episode 213

                                        "COW DAYS"

                                        Written by

                               Trey Parker & David Goodman



               [A game show. The audience is applauding a couple onstage. The 
               host and lady assitant stand near them]
 
                                     HOST
                         Well, Tom and Mary, you've made it to 
                         the final round. Are you ready to play 
                         for the grand prize?
 
                                     TOM AND MARY
                         We're ready, Bob!

                                     BOB
                         Any particular prize you're hoping for?
 
                         
                                     MARY
                         Well, Hawaii's nice, but Tahiti would 
                         be fun, too!
 
                                     TOM
                         Oh, anywhere would be great!

                                     BOB
                         Polynesian diggities. I wish you luck. 
                         Here we go. What is the thin flap of 
                         skin that runs from the base of the 
                         penis to the scrotum? 
 
                                     TOM
                         Oh. Oh wait wait, I know this. 

                                     MARY
                         The upper vascular hood.

                                     BOB
                         I'm sorry, but YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. 
                          Heheh, tell them what they've won.
 
                         
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Tom and Mary, put on your cowboy hats, 
                         because you're going to beautiful South 
                         Park, Colorado! 
 
                                     MARY
                         Where?

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         That's right, just in time for Cows 
                         Days, the world's 45th biggest rodeo 
                         and carnival.  Every fall, South Park 
                         celebrates Cow Days, and you're gonna 
                         be a part of it. You'll stay at the 
                         spectacular Super 7 hotel on Bernhardt 
                         Road , and enjoy festivities, including 
                         prizes, rides, and of course, the world-famous 
                         Running of the Cows!  Congratulations, 
                         Tom and Mary.
 
                                     BOB
                         Well, Tom, Mary, you must be very excited.
 
                         
                                     TOM
                         What was second prize again?

                                     BOB
                         That's all for now. See you tomorrow 
                         on  "Ooo, What The Hell Is That!" 
 
                         
                                     MARY
                         Shit!

               RODEO

               [South Park, the rodeo ring. A rider falls from his horse as 
               it jumps some barrels.]
 
               14th ANNUAL COWDAYS

               [the carnival stage, on which the Mayor and her aides now stand]
 
               
                                     THE MAYOR
                         Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to 
                         kick off the 14th Annual South Park 
                         Cow Days!  As most of you know, Cow 
                         Days is when we all get together to 
                         celebrate and thank the noble, gentle 
                         cows.  And now, the chairman of Cow 
                         Days, Jimbo Kern!
 
                                     JIMBO
                          This year is a very special Cow Days 
                         because we are revealing our all-new 
                         Cow Memorial!  Which will live forever 
                         in South Park from this day forth. Release 
                         the curtain! 
 
                                     MARY
                         This is the most ridiculous thing I've 
                         ever seen!
 
                                     TOM
                         Now, Mary, this is our only vacation 
                         for years. We have to make the best 
                         of it
 
                                     MARY
                         Oh you're right. I'm sorry, honey. We 
                         just need to stay positive.
 
                                     THE MAYOR
                         Now get out to the carnival and enjoy 
                         the amazing rides and the wonderful 
                         games!
 
               [the carnival gets underway. People mill around]

                                     TOSS-A-BALL OPERATOR
                          Hey, come on over here, kids. Win fabulous 
                         prizes. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Wow, dude, check it out! We can win 
                         Terrance and Phillip dolls. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Are those REAL Terrance and Phillip 
                         dolls? They look all crappy.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, they look like cheap rip-offs.
 
                         
                                     OPERATOR
                         Sure they're real. They're even made 
                         in Canada.
 
                                     STAN
                         Really?

                                     OPERATOR
                         Yeah, look. They're even signed by Terrance 
                         and Phillip themselves. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Wwow!

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, that kicks ass!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh, dude, I gotta win those. How much 
                         to play?
 
                                     OPERATOR
                         Five dollars for three balls.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Five dollars?! Jesus Christ!

                                     OPERATOR
                         Don't worry, kid, it's easy. You just 
                         gotta put one ball through Jennifer 
                         Love Hewitt's mouth. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         That's easy!

                                     OPERATOR
                         Okay, we've got a player!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ay! Check it out!  Damn it!

                                     OPERATOR
                         Okay, son, you've still got two balls 
                         to try and get through her yapper.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Take this, Jennifer Love Hewitt! 

                                     KYLE
                         You suck, Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'd like to see you do better!

                                     KYLE
                         Give me that!  Hey! It hit her right 
                         in the mouth!
 
                                     OPERATOR
                         It's gotta go through her mouth

                                     KYLE
                         But ih-

                                     OPERATOR
                         Sorry, kid, try again. Just five more 
                         dollars.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Here, give me some money, Cartman!  
                         Lend me money, fat boy!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I only have three dollars left, asshole!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Damn it! Come on! I'll try to get more 
                         money from my mom. 
 
                                     JIMBO
                          Okay, everybody! It's time for the 
                         Running of the Cows! 
 
                                     KYLE
                          Mom, give me some money!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Kyle, what are you doing here?! This 
                         is very dangerous!
 
                                     KYLE
                         I need $17 so we can win Terrance and 
                         Phlllip dolls.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Kyle, get back into the carnival this 
                         instant! You can't be out in the street!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         I will if you give me money!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Okay, here! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Sweet.

               [Back on stage, Jimbo has some more things to tell the guests]
 
               
                                     JIMBO
                          Okay, everybody, okay. Settle down. 
                         Now I know you're all anxious to get 
                         to the Running of the Cows, BUT, let 
                         me remind you: those brave souls who 
                         have decided to run against the cows 
                         through town do so at their own risk. 
                         I don't think I have to remind you that 
                         three people died in last year's Running 
                         of the Cows.  With that said, let's 
                         rock and roll!  Everybody ready to run? 
                          Release the cows!  They're loose! 
 
                         
                                     COWS
                          Mooooo?!

               [The townfolk scream wildly while the cows remain in the corral 
               and moo some more.]
 
                                     NED
                          Ow.

               [One cow timidly leaves the corral. A townsman looks back as 
               he runs, and finds himself impaled on the lower half of a shattered 
               phone pole]
 
                                     JIMBO
                          Yeehaw!

               [A red heifer chews on some grass just outside the corral. A 
               man comes and tries to provoke a grazing cow, but the cow ignores 
               him. The man shakes his ass at the cow, then runs away screaming]
 
               
               [the carnival. A Chamber of Farts stands near a Ferris wheel. 
               Its entrance consists of a huge lavender ass with doors through 
               which the cars enter]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Okay. We've got $15 between us. That 
                         means we get nine balls to throw.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I only need one, dude. I only need one.
 
                         
                                     OPERATOR
                         Come one, come all. Get in line now, 
                         for the Chamber of Farts.
 
                                     STAN
                         What's that?

                                     OPERATOR
                         Dare you enter the Chamber of Farts?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         How much is it?

                                     OPERATOR
                         Just three tickets, boys.  Dare you 
                         enter the Chamber of Farts?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Is it like a- haunted house or something?
 
                         
                                     OPERATOR
                         Sure. It's veery scary.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Let's see: each ticket is a dollar, 
                         so three tickets is like two twnety-five.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         No. We can't, dude. We have to win the 
                         Terrance and Phillip dolls.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh come on, you guys. We still have 
                         plenty of money left over.
 
                                     KYLE
                         You'd better be right, dude.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm right!

                                     OPERATOR
                          Keep your hands in at all times.

                                     KYLE
                         Okay.

               [they go in. They pass through a cemetery with asses everywhere. 
               A man has his pants down just enough for his ass to poke through, 
               a dog next to him has its tail up, there are flying asses about, 
               and some volcanos poke through the ground. All are farting. The 
               car stops]
 
                                     OPERATOR
                         So, the Chamber of Farts has another 
                         victim, eh? Don't be afraid. There aren't 
                         any ghouls here, only FARTS! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Eh! God-damnit! 

                                     STAN
                         What the hell was that?

                                     OPERATOR
                         Perhaps you need some MORE FARTS!  All 
                         right, boys. Ride's over.
 
                                     KYLE
                         That was the dumbest ride I've ever 
                         seen!
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah. What the hell kind of carnival 
                         company are you?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          I don't know what you guys are talking 
                         about! That scared the crap out of me!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         That was a waste of money, Cartman!
 
                         
                                     OPERATOR
                         Hey, if you guys want a great ride, 
                         get in this line. It's only seven tickets.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         We can't. We're saving our money for 
                         the balls in Jennifer Love Hewitt's 
                         mouth game.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Kyle, will you relax, you pink eye? 
                         We have plenty of money.  Come on, you 
                         guys! It'll be sweet!
 
                                     [THE COW MEMORIAL, 12
                         59 p.m. A cow comes to look at the statue, 
                         and the clock strikes 1 p.m. The statue 
                         moos. The cow looks around, then moos. 
                         Two more cows arrive. Back in the line, 
                         the boys near the front of it]
 
                                     KYLE
                         This ride better be good!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, this line is way too long!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I think we're almost to the end.

                                     KYLE
                         We'd better be. We've been in line for 
                         almost an hour!
 
                                     STAN
                         Here we go. 

                                     KYLE
                         Finally!

                                     LINE RIDE OPERATOR
                         Did ya enjoy the ride?

                                     STAN
                         What ride?

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah.

                                     LINE RIDE OPERATOR
                         This was the Line Ride, a real live 
                         simulator of a long line.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Ugh. You've gotta be kidding me!

                                     LINE RIDE OPERATOR
                         That's five tickets, thank you very 
                         much.  Come see us again soon.
 
                                     STAN
                         My ass we will!

                                     KYLE
                         Well, Cartman, this is just my opinion, 
                         but I think the Line Ride sucked donkey 
                         balls!
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, let's not ride that ride again.
 
                         
                                     PHOTO SELLER
                         Would you like to buy a photo of you 
                         boys enjoying the Line Ride? 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         How much?

                                     PHOTO SELLER
                         Just three dollars.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hunh that's, that's pretty sweet. 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         You dumbass, Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                         What? This is cool.

                                     KYLE
                         No, it's not cool!

                                     CARTMAN
                         It is, too! 

                                     OPERATOR
                         Can I help you boys.

                                     STAN
                         We're gonna try to win those Terrance 
                         and Phillip dolls again.
 
                                     OPERATOR
                         O-kay, five dollars for three balls.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         How much do we have left, Cartman?  
                         How much do we have left, Cartman?!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Aah, three dollars.

                                     KYLE
                         What?! You said we had plenty of money, 
                         Cartman!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, but I didn't take into account 
                         the fact that I suck at math.
 
                                     KYLE
                         You son of a bitch! Aaargh! [lunges 
                         at Cartman, and they fall to the ground, 
                         wrestling.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ey! Seriously!

               [A view of the carnival. After a while the boys calm down and 
               stand up again]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well, Cartman, thanks to you we don't 
                         have any money left to win the Terrance 
                         and Phillip dolls!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, I'm sorry!

                                     KYLE
                         Well, sorry's not good enough! What 
                         are you gonna do about it?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hey! I bet Kenny has some food stamps 
                         on him!
 
                                     KENNY
                          (What? These?)

                                     STAN
                         Sir? Will you take food stamps for three 
                         balls?
 
                                     OPERATOR
                         Sure, as long as they're good.

                                     KYLE
                         Give him your food stamps, Kenny!

                                     KENNY
                         (Nuh uh)

                                     KYLE
                         Come on, dude! I can do it! I'm sure!
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Dude, these are my fucking food stamps! 
                         How am I going to eat without all these 
                         food stamps?)
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Damnn it, Kenny, don't be such a food-stamp 
                         hog! Share with the rest of your friends! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Okay. Here we go.  Hey! That was right 
                         on target.
 
                                     OPERATOR
                         Sorry, kid. Try again.

                                     KYLE
                          That does it! Shenanigans!  SHENANIGANS!
 
                         
                                     OPERATOR
                         Uhwhat are you doing?

                                     KYLE
                         I'm declaring Shenanigans on you! This 
                         game is rigged!
 
                                     OPERATOR
                         Shenanigans?

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                          What's all the hoo-ha?

                                     KYLE
                         Officer Barbrady, I wanna declare Shenanigans 
                         on this carnival operator.
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Why?

                                     KYLE
                         This game is fixed! The balls are bigger 
                         than Jennifer Love Hewitt's mouth!
 
                         
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         If that is true, then your declaration 
                         of Shenanigans is just.  What do you 
                         have to say, carnival operator?
 
                                     OPERATOR
                         Look, the kid was really close. He still 
                         has another ball left. Leh let's try 
                         again, son.  Here you go.  There, you 
                         see? We have a winner!
 
                                     KYLE
                         It worked!

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Young man, you can't just go declaring 
                         Shenanigans on innocent people! That's 
                         how wars get started!
 
                                     STAN
                         Sorry, Officer Buttbaby.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Barbrady!

                                     STAN
                         Oh, I'm sorry. What did I say?

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         You said Buttbaby. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Sweet.

                                     OPERATOR
                         Okay, kid, you won. You get to pick 
                         between the Barbie Pocket Mirror and 
                         the Bon Jovi Toothpick.
 
                                     KYLE
                         No! Dude! I want the Terrance and Phillip 
                         dolls up there.
 
                                     OPERATOR
                         Oh, nonono, you gotta win seven times 
                         to earn those.
 
                                     KYLE
                         What?!

                                     OPERATOR
                         You win seven Bon Jovi toothpicks, then 
                         you can trade them in for the Terrance 
                         and Phillip dolls.
 
                                     KYLE
                         You dirty son of a bitch, you never 
                         told us that we had to win-
 
                                     OPERATOR
                         Step on up, just five dollars to play!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Damnit, I have to have those dolls! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         This is hopeless. We're never gonna 
                         have enough money to win.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Wait a minute! I've got it! The bullriding 
                         contest. Cartman could ride a bull, 
                         and try to win $5000.  Think about it, 
                         dude: $5000. That's 1000 set of balls. 
                         That's 3000 balls! We'd have to win 
                         enough to get the dolls!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What the hell makes you think Cartman 
                         rides a bull?
 
                                     KYLE
                          Because you spent all of our money 
                         on those stupid rides, fatass! Now, 
                         either you're getting on a bull or I'm 
                         gonna break your fuckin' head open!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         O-kay, I'll- get on the bull.

                                     KYLE
                         All right! Now, come on! We have to 
                         practice! 
 
                                     STAN
                          He really wants those dolls.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I guess, damn!

               [Tom and Mary have just exited the Chamber of Farts on car 11]
 
               
                                     MARY
                         That ride wasn't very good.

                                     TOM
                         Now, Mary, you promised me we'd try 
                         to have a good time.
 
                                     MARY
                         You're right. I'm sorry, honey, I'll 
                         try and have a good time.
 
                                     [THE COW MEMORIAL. THE CLOCK NOW READS 1
                         59 p.m., and seven cows stand before 
                         the memorial. Two o'clock strikes, and 
                         the statue moos twice. The cows answer 
                         with two moos of their own. More cows 
                         arrive]
 
               [the town bar]

                                     STAN
                         Hey, uh this mechanical bull's gonna 
                         help you practice for the real thing, 
                         Cartman.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, this is sweet.

                                     KYLE
                         You've gotta try and stay on for ten 
                         seconds. Okay, Cartman?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'll try. Ten seconds is a long time.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         We'll start on the slowest setting and 
                         work our way up. Ready? Go. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yikes!  Ow!  Son of a bitch!

                                     STAN
                         How long was that?

                                     KYLE
                         That wasn't quite ten seconds.

                                     STAN
                         Damn it!  That wasn't ten seconds, Cartman. 
                         You have to do better than that.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          You guys, eh seriously, my back!

                                     KYLE
                         Get back on, fatass! You have to practice!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Seriously. Help.  Screw you guys. Hate 
                         you guys.
 
                                     KYLE
                         What'd you say, Cartman??

                                     CARTMAN
                          I hate you guys!

                                     KYLE
                         I think he said he wants to practice 
                         on a real bull.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hate you guys.

               [The cows are now pushing the memorial across open fields. It 
               now reads 3 p.m.]
 
               [the boys stand next to a rancher who has offered his bull for 
               Cartman to practice on]
 
                                     RANCHER
                         Be careful with old Bob here. He ain't 
                         much for a-ridin' anymore, but he's 
                         all I got.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well uh, he'll have to do. Cartman has 
                         to get some practice with a real bull.
 
                         
                                     RANCHER
                         Well, have fun, boys. 

                                     KYLE
                         Okay, Cartman. You ready?

                                     CARTMAN
                          Nnoo.

                                     KYLE
                         Open the gate! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         All right, get down. This is my kind 
                         of bullride.
 
                                     KYLE
                          That bull sucks! He's not even bucking 
                         or anything!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, this is sweet!

                                     STAN
                         What are you going to do?

                                     KYLE
                         Get the bull in the balls with a smowball.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Hoh, yeah. That's a good idea. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Eeyy!

                                     KYLE
                         That's better.

                                     STAN
                         Hold on, Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ey! Seriously, dude! Do something! Dude, 
                         stop this crazy thing!  Mother f- 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Get up, Cartman! You're still not staying 
                         on long enough! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Come on, Cartman. 

                                     KENNY
                         (Oh my God, they've killed Cartman!)
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         No he didn't kill him, he's still breathing! 
                          Get up!  Get UP! 
 
                                     STAN
                         You okay, dude?  Cartman, hello? Hel-lo?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, I think we broke him.

               [Hell's Pass Hospital, waiting area]

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         Boys, I'm afraid your fat little friend 
                         has suffered head trauma.
 
                                     STAN
                         What's the matter with him.

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         Well, apparently, he thinks he's a Vietnamese 
                         prostitute named Ming Li.
 
                                     KYLE
                         …Oh.

                                     STAN
                         But can he still ride a bull?

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         What?

                                     KYLE
                         We need him to win a bullriding contest 
                         so we can get Terrance and Phillip dolls. 
                         Can he still do it?
 
                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         No, boys! You need to take him home 
                         and let him get plenty of sleep. 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          Damn it!

                                     STAN
                          Cartman. Cartman, can you hear me?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Boinsure li bonsure.

                                     STAN
                         What?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Boyongture taur lur mahrter.

                                     STAN
                         Oh, he's fine, dude.

                                     KYLE
                         You think?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Shunkarah puntaur lah-turi.

                                     STAN
                         Oh, yeah, dude. Let's get his ass to 
                         the rodeo.
 
               [The Running of the Cows is ended and Jimbo is onstage.]

                                     JIMBO
                         All right, damn it! We're not going 
                         to stand for this! Now, whoever stole 
                         our golden cow memorial, we're gonna 
                         find you and kill you!  Aall right, 
                         uhow about this? Whoever took the sacred 
                         cow, just please return 'im, and there'll 
                         be no quesitons asked.  Wait a minute. 
                         You folks from out of town. You're the 
                         only ones with a reason to take our 
                         beloved cow memorial! 
 
                                     MARY
                          Where are we going to put a 60-foot 
                         tall statue of a cow?
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Oh, I think maybe you'll answer that 
                         downtown, tourists. 
 
                                     MARY
                         Oh my God!

               [At the carnival, the boys have returned with Cartman.]

                                     STAN
                         How's he doing?

                                     KYLE
                         He still thinks he's a Vietnamese prostitute.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Pooinshower. Madalen shine debaur. Huelar 
                         she mashartah me shur har.
 
                                     STAN
                         Do you think he can ride the bull?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, I think so.

                                     STAN
                         Cool. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hello. Hello, polie. Hello, polie hurrah 
                         you soldier boy. Hey, soldier boy!
 
                         
                                     SOLDIER
                         Huh?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hello? Soldier boy. Me so horny. Me 
                         love you long time.
 
                                     SOLDIER
                         Go away, kid. You're grossing me out.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hello, puhree! Puhree hello! Hello, 
                         sucky-sucky! Hello, puhree!
 
                                     SOLDIER
                         Beat it, kid! Come on, honey. 

               [the Chamber of Farts again.]

                                     CHAMBER OF FARTS OPERATOR
                         Come one, come all! The Chamber of Farts 
                         has been fixed and is reopen! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Jesus, dude!

                                     KYLE
                         Hey, where's Cartman?

                                     STAN
                          Oh, hell!

                                     KENNY
                         (I don't know where he went!)

                                     STAN
                         Kenny, you go find Cartman. We have 
                         to go sign him up for the bull ride.
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Okay.)

               SOUTH PARK POLICE DEPT.

               [Tom and Mary are still in jail, shivering and apparently forgotten]
 
               
                                     TOM
                         Huh, it's so cold here.

                                     MARY
                         Where is that sheriff?! We need water!
 
                         
                                     TOM
                         Oh well, let's try to make the best 
                         of it, Mary.
 
                                     MARY
                         You're right. We're not being positive. 
                         At least we get some time alone.
 
                                     TOM
                         Yeah, and at least we've got our health. 
                         
 
               [ranch lands. Two ranchers get out of a truck and walk into a 
               field]
 
                                     GREY HAT
                         I tell you, Mitchell, I ain't never 
                         seen nothin' like it.
 
                                     MITCHELL
                         Where are they again?

                                     GREY HAT
                         Just right up over this ridge.  That's 
                         what they've been doin' all morning: 
                         sittn' there and mooin'. And more cows 
                         come all the time.
 
                                     MITCHELL
                         Well, I ain't never seen this before, 
                         neither. But I know one thing: when 
                         cows start gettin' together, it can't 
                         be good. They might start formin' a 
                         cult!
 
                                     GREY HAT
                          Hm. Cow cult.

               [back at the carnival, rodeo riders try out their luck. One of 
               them loses his luck when his horse throws him off]
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         The grand-daddy of them all, the South 
                         Park Cow Days Rodeo! Let's begin the 
                         bullriding event. Grand prize: $5000!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Kenny, where the hell is Cartman?!
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (I don't know. I can't find him.)

                                     KYLE
                         He's up in, like, twenty minutes!

                                     KENNY
                         (All right! I know!)

                                     CARTMAN
                          Hello, fren! Hello!

                                     STAN
                          There he is!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Sucky-sucky, five dollar.

               [back at the police station jail, Tom and Mary just sit and wait…]
 
               
               [Jimbo and Ned join the two ranchers on the ridge]

                                     GREY HAT
                         There they are, just like we told you.<
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                          Okay, that's enough o' that! You cows 
                         need to dis-perse!  All right, bad cows! 
                         Do you hear me? Bad cows!  All right, 
                         Ned. You're gonna have to bust out the 
                         whip!
 
                                     NED
                          Mmmm-gahyah! Git along, little doggies! 
                          Bad cows stay! Stay!  AAAAAH!
 
                                     JIMBO
                          Holy smokes! Play dead, Ned!

                                     GREY HAT
                          I reckon we should get some help.
 
                         
                                     MITCHELL
                         I reckon.

               [the boys now have Cartman on the bull, ready to ride]

                                     KYLE
                         Don't be nervous, Cartman. This is gonna 
                         be cake.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, and then those Terrance and Phillip 
                         dolls will be ours!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hucky-sucky five dollar.

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Up first, No. 24, Jack McMack!  Three, 
                         two, one. 
 
                                     JACK
                         Yeehaw! Yeeha! Yeehaw!  Aaaaaaaa! 
 
                         
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Oooh, that's gonna cost him a point 
                         deduction.  Up next, no. 14, Ming Li!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ten dollar? Eight dollar? You give me 
                         eight dollar, soldier boy!
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Here we go!

                                     STAN
                         Dude, I'm having second thoughts about 
                         this.
 
                                     KYLE
                         What do you mean?

                                     STAN
                         I'm startin' to think that maybe it's 
                         wrong to put someone who thinks they're 
                         a Vietnamese protstitute on a bull.
 
                         
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Let her go! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Eey! Freline furton! Sucky-sucky!

                                     KYLE
                         Hang on, Cartman! 

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Wow, and this Vietnamese prostitute 
                         can really ride a bull!  I guess she's 
                         had a lot of practice, if you know what 
                         I mean. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Aaah! Ten dollar!  Ten dollar, soldier 
                         boy!
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         She's setting a new world record!

                                     CROWD
                          Ming Li! Ming Li! Ming Li!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Gaaah!  Heeee!

                                     STAN
                          Dude, that bull's gonna kill him.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Go help him, Kenny!

                                     KENNY
                          (Huh-uh, I ain't gonna get inside that 
                         ring! Aaah!) 
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

                                     KYLE
                         You bastard! 

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         And this brave little whore from the 
                         East has really put on a show for us 
                         today!  The winner of the bullriding 
                         contest: Ming Li!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hey, sucky-sucky? Only ten dollar.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         We did it, dude, we did it! 

               [the cows are gathered again before the Memorial, about 3 p.m. 
               Behind some large rocks, FBI agents pop up and take aim at the 
               cows]
 
                                     AGENT
                         Freeze, cows!  The game is over! You 
                         will now return to your respective towns! 
                         
 
                                     JIMBO
                         You hear that, cows? You're surrounded! 
                         There's no way out!
 
                                     AGENT
                         You will now all march in an orderly 
                         fashion into this trailer!  Move! 
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                         Hey. Where's she going? That's the wrong 
                         way, you stupid cow! 
 
                                     AGENT
                          Oh, dear Jesus, no!

                                     COW
                          Mooooo!

                                     JINBO
                          Nnoo!  They're killing themselves! 
                         Stop! Please!  Can't we do anything?! 
                         Oh, God, the humanity, Ned! The humanity! 
                         
 
                                     AGENT
                         This is the first mass cow suicide I've 
                         seen in- at least eight months.
 
               [Tom and Mary still wait in jail]

               [The carnival. The boys walk back to Toss-A-Ball]

                                     TOSS-A-BALL OPERATOR
                         Oh, you boys are back again, huh?

                                     STAN
                         Yeah. And we have $5000 this time.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         How many ball does that get us?

                                     CARTMAN
                          Odline daur shunba shunba?

                                     TOSS-A-BALL OPERATOR
                         Aw I ah- I tell you what, boys. Uh, 
                         I'm gonna be really nice and just- trade 
                         you the 5000 for the Terrance and Phillip 
                         dolls.
 
                                     KYLE
                         You will?

                                     STAN
                         Wow, why'd you get so cool all of a 
                         sudden? 
 
                                     KYLE
                         We did it! You see, Cartman? You won 
                         us the Terrance and Phillip dolls!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ten dollar? Sucky-sucky?

                                     KYLE
                         What are we gonna do with them?

                                     STAN
                          We should- 

                                     KYLE
                         …What the-?

                                     STAN
                         Dude, these dolls are cheap rip-offs! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         After all that?! Shenanigans! Shenanigans! 
                         SHENANIGANS! 
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         What's all this?

                                     KYLE
                         Officer Barbrady, I would like to reinstate 
                         my previous Shenanigans! This whole 
                         carnival is a rip-off!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         You know, uh, excuse me, but I agree. 
                         These rides are really stupid! Chamber 
                         of Farts isn't scary at all!
 
                                     PRIEST
                         Yeah, and the food is terrible!

                                     CHAMBER OF FARTS OPERATOR
                         Hey, it's just a stupid rodeo. What 
                         do you expect?
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Ho-kay okay, let's calm down. People 
                         of South Park, do you declare Shenanigans 
                         on the carnival people?
 
                                     TOWNSPEOPLE
                         Yeah!

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Okay, carnival people, do you accept 
                         this decree of Shenanigans?
 
                                     WOMAN
                         …What the hell are you talking about?! 
                         This whole town is screwy!
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Well, that settles it! Everybody grab 
                         a broom, it's Shenanigans! 
 
               [One in the afternoon. Jimbo, Ned, and some townsfolk are pushing 
               the Cow Memorial back into the carnival area]
 
                                     THE MAYOR
                         You found it! You found the memorial!
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                         Yeap.

                                     THE MAYOR
                         And the cows? Are they all back, too?
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                         They're dead, mayor. They're all dead. 
                         
 
                                     THE MAYOR
                         What?!

                                     JIMBO
                         Oho, it was awful!  Cow after cow taking 
                         its own life, and we could do nothing 
                         to stop them! Oh, God!
 
                                     THE MAYOR
                         Well, perhaps, one day, cows will learn 
                         that cults are never a good thing.
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                          I hope so, Mayor. I hope so. Uhud I 
                         need a cold beer and a burger.  What's 
                         all the ruckus over there? 
 
                                     THE MAYOR
                         Sounds like somebody declared Shenanigans!
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                         Oh, hell, I have to run home and get 
                         my broom!
 
               [The police station]

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         All right, you dammned carnival people. 
                         Into jail with-  Oooooh? 
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Hey, aren't those the people we at first 
                         thought took the wooden cow?
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                          Yeah.

                                     THE MAYOR
                         Didn't we ever release them?

                                     JIMBO
                         Aw, I forgot all about them.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Uh me, too.

                                     THE MAYOR
                         Oh my God! Officer Barbrady, ugh, you 
                         never had Tom and Mary in this cell.
 
                         
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         I didn't?

                                     THE MAYOR
                         No, no. In fact, they never came to 
                         South Park. We've never heard of them.
 
                         
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Ooh, phew, I feel a lot better, then, 
                         although I could've swore that I had 
                         heard of them and they starved to death 
                         in my prison.
 
               [The bus stop. Stan and Kyle are swimming in Terrance and Phillip 
               dolls]
 
                                     STAN
                          Say, Terrance, let's look for treasuh.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          Oh. Good idea, Phillip. Let's look 
                         for treasuh.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          What are you guys doing?

                                     STAN
                         Oh, hey, Cartman. How are you feeling?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, pretty good, except I had the weirdest 
                         dream last night.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Really? What about?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, I dreamt that I was a poor Vietnamese 
                         girl, and then you guys made me ride 
                         a big, scary bull, and then Leonardo 
                         Di Caprio gave me a spankin' for several 
                         hours.  Eeyy, where did you guys win 
                         all those Terrance and Phillip dolls?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Oh-h. Nowhere. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Wait a minute! You guys did make me 
                         ride that bull!
 
                                     KYLE
                         No! Cartman, that was just a dream!
 
                         
                                     LEONARDO DI CAPRIO
                          Bye, Ming Li. Thanks again. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh! Son of a bitch!


               THE END
 


Cow days



Writers :   Trey Parker  David Goodman
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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