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ALL SCRIPTS





                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 502


                                   "CRIPPLE FIGHT"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [South park, night. Randy is driving the boys, including Timmy 
               on the truck bed, through the town. Stuart is with them, but 
               Kyle is not. The boys are in Scout gear.]
 
                                     RANDY
                         Well, you boys must be pretty excited: 
                         your first night of Scouts.
 
                                     STAN
                         It's gonna suck. There's gonna be all 
                         like, new kids there we don't know.
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah.)

                                     STUART
                         Well, now, that's part of the fun!
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Yeah. Both Kenny's dad and I were in 
                         Scouts for years.
 
                                     STAN
                         Was your dad in Scouts, Cartman? Oh 
                         yeah, you don't have a dad. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         That's not funny! Jesus Christ!

                                     STAN
                          Are you excited for your first night 
                         of Scouts, Timmy??
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Hyeahahah Timmay!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, he's excited.

               [Park County Community Center, night, outside shot, then inside 
               shot. The doors open and the group walks in. A shot of the many 
               kids inside, then back to the doors. Butters walks up.]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh hey, fellas!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Hey, Butters.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Huhboiy, am I glad to see you guys! 
                         There's lots of kids here from other 
                         schools, and I don't know anybody.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Alright, boys, we're gonna head to the 
                         bar. We'll be back to pick you up at 
                         nine.
 
                                     STUART
                         You boys just make sure to obey the 
                         scout leader now. He's the man in charge.
 
                         
                                     BIG GAY AL
                          Hellooo scouts.

                                     STAN
                         Hey, it's Big Gay Al!

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         Hello, Stanley. I was happy to see you 
                         and your little friends' names on the 
                         list!
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmay!

                                     RANDY
                         You're the new scout leader?

                                     BIG GAY AL
                          I just got transferred in.  I think 
                         everyone's here now, so we can get started. 
                          Come on, Scouts. We've got work to 
                         do! 
 
                                     BOYS
                         Hooray! 

                                     STAN
                         See ya, Dad!

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         Hey, are you parents gonna stand there 
                         all night? This meeting is for scouts 
                         only, you silly gooses.  Now, before 
                         we get started, scouts, I want to introduce 
                         you to someone very special here tonight. 
                         He's a brave little boy with disabilities 
                         who proves just by being here that Scouts 
                         are for everyone!
 
               Timmy!	[happily] Timmay!

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         So let's all give a big round of applause 
                         to little... Jimmy! 
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Oo-well hello everyoneh. 

                                     TIMMY
                         Jim- Jim-mih?

               [The bar, nearby. There's some argument going on inside]

                                     STUART
                         Look! I'm not saying the new scout leader's 
                         a bad person, I just don't think he 
                         should be a scout leader!
 
                                     RANDY
                         Well he got to where he is by being 
                         a good scout; maybe we should just leave 
                         him alone.
 
                                     MAN
                         Well how gay is he?

                                     STUART
                         He's really, really gay.

                                     TOKEN'S FATHER
                         Well then, I don't want my boy there, 
                         either. 
 
                                     RANDY
                         So he's a homosexual. So what?

                                     STUART
                         I have nothing against homosexuals either, 
                         Randy, but the big camping trip is next 
                         week! Are you sayin' you're fine with 
                         this guy campin' overnight, alone, with 
                         our boys??
 
                                     SKEETER
                         You know, boys emulate authority figures. 
                         Even if it doesn't turn them gay, they 
                         could end up all talk and all femmit, 
                         prancin' around like girls. 
 
                                     RANDY
                         Aw, that's ridiculous.

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                          People, people, please! You're forgetting 
                         that homosexuality is a choice! As many 
                         of you know, I, myself, went through 
                         a... homosexual... phase. But the light 
                         of Christ showed me how to change. Just 
                         give me two hours with this man, and 
                         I can convert him back.
 
                                     MAN 2
                          That's what you said about Peterson, 
                         and then you ended up having sex with 
                         him!
 
                                     MAN 3
                          That's right.

                                     MAN 4
                          You did.

               [Community Center gymnasium. The Scouts are well into their first 
               activities]
 
                                     BIG GAY AL
                         And so that's how to make banana-nut 
                         muffins. And now, as a very special 
                         treat, our very special friend Jimmy 
                         is going to do what he loves most: motivational 
                         standup comedy.  Let's give him a big 
                         hand. 
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Wow, what a great audience.  Well, just 
                         in case you were wondering, I do have 
                         a disability. I am totally happy with 
                         the way I was born, very much. I travel 
                         to different states and talk to kids 
                         about being proud of what they are. 
                         Mm-my mom says that God has a p-plan 
                         for everyone. I guess I was plan B. 
                          You guys like imp-personations? 
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                          Timmy.

                                     JIMMY
                         How about Jimmy Stewart? "Merry Christmas, 
                         movie house." And John Travolta. "Oh 
                         my God, Mr. Kotter! Uh Mr. Kotter, oh, 
                         oh my God, Mr. Kotter!"
 
                                     STAN
                         Jimmy's funny, dude.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Huh, yeahahah, uhwehell, hehe's the 
                         coolest kid with disabilities in the 
                         world!
 
                                     TIMMY
                          Hmph! 

                                     STUART
                         Uh, Kenny, it's nine o'clock.

                                     RANDY
                         Come on, Stanley.

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         Oops, guess we're out of time, kids. 
                         Now remember, tomorrow you all have 
                         bake sales in your respective neighborhoods 
                         to raise money. We'll meet back here 
                         next Tuesday, and see who raised the 
                         most. Good luck.
 
                                     STAN
                         Hey, I have a great idea. Why don't 
                         we see if Jimmy wants to come be in 
                         our Scout club?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey yeah!

                                     TIMMY
                          Uh Timmuh Timmy Timmy Timmy. 

                                     STAN
                         Hey Jimmy, do you wanna join our bake 
                         sale in South Park tomorrow?
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Gee, sure, that'd be great! Thanks, 
                         fellas.
 
                                     RANDY
                          Come on, Stan.

                                     STAN
                         Bye, Big Gay Al. We had a great time.
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah, see ya)

                                     STAN, CARTMAN
                         Bye, Jimmy.

                                     JIMMY
                         See ya tomorrow at the bake sale, fellas.
 
                         
               [Randy's truck, night. Randy is taking the boys home.]

                                     STAN
                         You were right, Dad. Scouts is awesome!
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah!)

                                     STAN
                         We told ghost stories, a-and learned 
                         how to make a tornado in a glass bottle!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, and we learned how to make cakes 
                         and muffins for our bake sale.
 
                                     STAN
                         And best of all, we met this kid named 
                         Jimmy. He's disabled, but he doesn't 
                         let it ruin his life! He's awesome!
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                          Timmih!!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, we're gonna use him to help raise 
                         money in our bake sale.
 
                                     STAN
                         Cartman, don't say "use him," you big 
                         thilly goose. 
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Wa-ah!

                                     RANDY
                          What did you say?!

                                     STAN
                          I just... called Cartman a name - he's 
                         a, he's a silly goose.
 
                                     STUART
                         Uh huh!

                                     RANDY
                         YOU DO NOT SAY "BIG SILLY GOOSE!!" You 
                         call him an asshole like a normal kid!!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         But dad, I was just tryin' tuh-

                                     RANDY
                         STANLEY, YOU CALL YOUR FRIEND AN ASSHOLE 
                         THIS INSTANT!!!
 
                                     STAN
                          ...Asshole. 

                                     RANDY
                         That's better!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Don't call me an asshole, you sonofabitch.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Uh, hello? We are having a bake sale 
                         to raise money for scout troop number 
                         four seven. Uh, please stop by and give 
                         us a hand. And now, for your entertainment, 
                         our new best friend, stand-up comic 
                         Jimmy! 
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Wow, what a great audience. I just flew 
                         into South Park. Boy, are my crutches 
                         tired!  What a terrific audience. You 
                         know, sometimes people ask me, "Are 
                         you angry at God for making disabled 
                         people?" I say, "No, I think the world 
                         is better with puh-President Bush." 
                         
 
                                     SHARON
                          What a brave little boy.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         He's able to use comedy to overcome 
                         his handicap! I LOVE him! 
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Well, I sure have met a lot of interesting 
                         people here in South Park.  Hhh-how 
                         about that Eric Cartman kid, huh? "Goddamnit! 
                         God-. No, Kitty, that's my mud pie! 
                         Goddamnit! Eh, Goddamnit!" 
 
                                     STAN
                         Heheh.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't sound like that.

                                     JIMMY
                         And how about that school counselor? 
                         "Uh, dr-, drugs are b-bad."  "Uh. Drugs 
                         are bad, okay? Uh, drugs are, drugs 
                         are bad, okay? Okay?"  Wow, what a great 
                         audience. "Mr. Hat. Be queit, Mr. Hat. 
                         Mr.-"  "Hello there, children. Mr. Hat. 
                         Hello- Mr. Hat"  "I'm making Salisbury 
                         steak for lunch."  "Salisbury steak 
                         for lunch." Eb. Uh. "Goddamnit, Goddamnit!" 
                          And of course, my very favorite, "Timmy! 
                         Huh. Timmy! Uh liv-, uh, living a lie! 
                         Uh living a lie, Timmy!"  "Ti- Timmy, 
                         uh living a lie. Heh, heh. Eh Tih- ahah 
                         Timmy." Heh. Sometimes it's like, "Please, 
                         Timmy, learn a new word," heh. "Timmy! 
                         Tu-Timmy!" 
 
                                     TIMMY
                          Aaaaaaah! 

                                     JIMMY
                         Wow, looks like when it comes to comedy, 
                         I really t-take the c-keh-c. I really 
                         take the cay. I really take the k-keh 
                         cake. 
 
                                     MAN
                         Jim-my! Jim-my! Jim-my!

                                     TIMMY
                          Tiiimm-mmiiih!!!!!

               [State Mountain Scouts of America headquarters, day, outside 
               shot. Inside, three men sit behind a table - a tribunal.]
 
                                     HEAD SCOUTMASTER
                         Well, this is it. We've simply gotten 
                         too many complaints from concerned parents 
                         about him. I'm afraid we don't have 
                         a choice.
 
                                     BIG GAY AL
                          Hiya fellas! 

                                     HEAD SCOUTMASTER
                         How are you today, Scout?

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         I'm super, thanks for asking. The troops 
                         are off having bake sales, and I'm pleased 
                         to report that we have already raised 
                         over $600 for the event. Yippie!
 
                                     HEAD SCOUTMASTER
                         Oh. Big Gay Al, it has recently come 
                         to our attention that you are... gay.
 
                         
                                     BIG GAY AL
                         Well, stop the presses, did you figure 
                         that out all by yourselves, silly buns?
 
                         
                                     SCOUTMASTER 1
                         Yes, well, unfortunately for you, the 
                         Scouts have a policy that openly gay 
                         men cannot belong.
 
                                     HEAD SCOUTMASTER
                         We are left with no options, Mr. Al. 
                         I'm afraid you are hereby... out of 
                         Scouts.
 
                                     BIG GAY AL
                          Out of... Scouts?

                                     HEAD SCOUTMASTER
                         We're sorry, Mr. Gay Al.

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         But I've been in Scouts since I was 
                         nine - it's a... huge part of my life.
 
                         
                                     SCOUTMASTER 2
                         Uh you must understand that Scouts is 
                         a private club. A club that follows 
                         certain beliefs, and one of those beliefs 
                         is that homosexuality is immoral.
 
                         
                                     BIG GAY AL
                         I see...

                                     HEAD SCOUTMASTER
                         It's nothing against you personally
 
                         
                                     BIG GAY AL
                         Wull what if I promise not to be gay 
                         anymore?  Pinky swear.
 
                                     SCOUTMASTER 2
                         We think it's best you just... move 
                         on.
 
                                     BIG GAY AL
                          Right. Move on. 

               [South Park streets, day. Timmy sits on the sidewalk as Jimmy 
               ambles towards him.]
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Oh, hey Timmy. I'm glad you called, 
                         very much. I've been detecting some 
                         a-animosity towards me lately, and I 
                         was hoping we could bury the hatchet.
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                          Timmih.

                                     JIMMY
                         What's that?

                                     TIMMY
                         Hur livin' a lah, Timmih. 

                                     JIMMY
                         A present? You got me a p-present?
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih!

                                     JIMMY
                         ... Gee, you didn't have to do that. 
                         I mean, I understand why you've been 
                         jealous of my talent.  If you work at 
                         it, maybe you could be as... handi-capable 
                         as I am, huh?  Wow, a parka.  You-you 
                         didn't have to do that, Tim-Tim.
 
                                     TIMMY
                          Tim-Timmy.

                                     JIMMY
                         Oh, sure. I'll see if it fits.  This 
                         is very warm. Thanks a lot, Tim-Tim. 
                         Well, I'll see you around. 
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih! 

               [As Jimmy walks, suspense music comes up. Jimmy reaches the corner, 
               and a safe falls from above and cracks the sidewalk behind him. 
               He crosses the street, and a truck plows into an oncoming car 
               and jackknifes, sending the car backwards through the air. Jimmy 
               is untouched. An eagle tries to swoop him up, but misses. Jimbo 
               and Ned appear atop a building across the street]
 
                                     JIMBO
                         There he is! Kill him! Kill him!  Oh, 
                         wait, that's not him. 
 
               [Some glass blows out from a window next to Jimmy, followed by 
               a blast of fire, and Jimmy walks. He crosses the second street 
               and a herd of cattle stampede past him. He continues down the 
               road, and a space shuttle crashes into the sidewalk, nose first.]
 
               
                                     JIMMY
                          Thanks again, Tim-Tim.

                                     TIMMY
                          Tim-Timmay!

               [Big Gay Al's house, night. Quite colorful front lawn, with fountain, 
               flowers, a flower strip down the middle of the driveway. Soft 
               music plays. Inside, Al sits on his bed looking over framed photos 
               of his Scouting career. Scout Troop 417 - 1988, Camp White Swallow 
               - 1974, his Scout medals, a picture of a black man dresed as 
               Superman. Al sighs and looks over at his Scout uniform. He walks 
               over and takes it down, then walk to his dresser and puts the 
               uniform away in one of its drawers]
 
                                     BIG GAY AL
                         Hm, bye, Scouts.  Okay, okay, Marc, 
                         stop playing now.
 
                                     MARC
                         Hey, don't yell at me! Ya asked me to 
                         come over and play sad songs for you 
                         to pack to, and then ya yell at me.
 
                         
                                     BIG GAY AL
                          I'm sorry. Sorry. But now I've packed 
                         everything wawy, so just... well, play 
                         something uplifting, like... "I'm gonna 
                         put all this behind me and make it okay" 
                         music.
 
                                     MARC
                          Ooooh, I don't want her. You can have 
                         her. She's too fat for me.
 
                                     BIG GAY AL
                         Ogh!  Jesus, Marc.

               [Park County Community Center, night. A group of men stand outside. 
               The head Scoutmaster exits the building with a big, beefy, decorated 
               Scout leader]
 
                                     HEAD SCOUTMASTER
                         Parents, this is the new Scout leader, 
                         Mr. Grazier. He will be taking over 
                         for the homosexual.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Nice to meet you.

                                     MR. GRAZIER
                         Marsh, right? We kind of actually know 
                         each other. Your wife and mine are friends.
 
                         
                                     STUART
                         Your wife, huh?

                                     HEAD SCOUTMASTER
                         Carol is the head of a girls' Mountain 
                         Scouts troop.
 
                                     STUART
                          Well, I guess we're off to the bar 
                         until nine, then.
 
                                     MR. GRAZIER
                         Gonna go pound some brews, huh?

               [Inside, Jimmy entertains the troops with more of his comedy 
               skit as the men talk outside]
 
                                     JIMMY
                         And so I said to him, "Hey, ah-I may 
                         be handicapped, bu-but I'm not... deaf." 
                          Wow, what a terrific audience. Well, 
                         for my next joke I'm gonna need a vo-volunteer 
                         from the audience, very much. How about 
                         you, Timmy?
 
                                     TIMMY
                          Timmih!

                                     JIMMY
                         Sure, come on up here, Tim-Tim.  Timmy, 
                         ladies and gentlemen. Let's give him 
                         a hand, very much. Come to think of 
                         it, give him a pair of legs, too.  Here, 
                         Timmy, put on this silly hat.  Just 
                         for a second, Timmy.  Don't be a jerk, 
                         Timmy.  Hey, don't push me!
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Cripple fight! 

                                     MR. GRAZIER
                         That is enough, Scouts! Take your seats! 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Awww!

                                     MR. GRAZIER
                         Alright, Scouts, I am your new Scout 
                         Master, Mr. Grazier!  Together we are 
                         going to become the best! The sleekest! 
                         The most polished Scout troop in all 
                         of Colorado! Isn't that right!  When 
                         I ask you a question you will answer 
                         "Yes, Scoutmaster!" Do I make myself 
                         clear!
 
                                     SCOUTS
                         Yes, Scoutmaster!

                                     MR. GRAZIER
                         Good! Now, the first activity for this 
                         evening will be...  naked pictures  
                         I'm going to take some pictures of each 
                         of you naked, in case we need them, 
                         for later.
 
                                     SCOUTS
                         Awww.

                                     MR. GRAZIER
                         Aw, what is this?! If there's one thing 
                         I hate, it's a whining platoon! "We 
                         don't wanna do pushups! We don't wanna 
                         get up early! We don't wanna have you 
                         take naked pictures of us!"
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Man, this guy sucks.

                                     MR. GRAZIER
                         Now, fall in and strip down, Scouts!
 
                         
               [Community Center gym, later. The pictures have been taken and 
               the Scouts are dressed and at table.]
 
                                     MR. GRAZIER
                         Alright, Scouts, we're gonna end this 
                         meeting with a little puppet show.  
                         Here's a little Scout. He's always prepared. 
                         He's always ready. Now, here's a little 
                         Scout telling his parents that Mr. Grazier 
                         took naked pictures of him. Look what 
                         happens.  Oh! No! Aw! Aw! Aw!  Do I 
                         make myself clear, Scouts!
 
                                     SCOUTS
                         Yes, Scoutmaster! 

                                     MR. GRAZIER
                          Oh, hello parents. Alright, that's 
                         all the time we have for tonight, Scouts. 
                         We sure had a great time, didn't we?
 
                         
                                     SCOUTS
                         Yes sir Scoutmaster! 

                                     RANDY
                         Wow, you sure whipped those kids into 
                         shape.
 
                                     STUART
                         Yeah. Now they're acting like men.
 
                         
                                     MR. GRAZIER
                         Well, you know what I say about kids: 
                         They're all pink on the inside.
 
                                     RANDY
                         You bet.

                                     STUART
                         I heard that.

                                     RANDY
                         See ya, Mr. Grazier. 

               [Big Gay Al's house, night, living room. Al is on the couch unkempt, 
               covered in a blanket, watching TV, and devouring ice cream. The 
               door bell rings]
 
                                     BIG GAY AL
                         Go away! I'm dead. 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh, well, here he is.

                                     STAN
                         Big Gay Al, what are you doing??

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah! Get your big gay ass off the couch 
                         and come be our scoutmaster again!
 
                         
                                     BIG GAY AL
                         I can't, kids. I've been... kicked out 
                         of Scouts.
 
                                     STAN
                         Kicked out? Oh no!

                                     CARTMAN
                         But you have to come back. We hate our 
                         new scout leader.
 
                                     BIG GAY AL
                         Really? Oo-why?

                                     BUTTERS
                          We can't tell you.

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         Why not?

                                     BUTTERS
                          Oh, no. No. Oh, no. No! Oh no no! 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Please, Big Gay Al. We don't wanna go 
                         on a camp trip with this guy.next week.
 
                         
                                     BIG GAY AL
                         Boys, umph, there's nothing I can do. 
                         The Scouts don't allow homosexuals.
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                         Well then that settles it! Fellas, what 
                         we're gonna hafta do is try to ch... 
                         change the Scouts' rules, very much.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         What do we want?

                                     BOYS
                         Gays in Scouts!

                                     STAN
                         When do we want it?

                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih!

                                     STAN
                         What do we want?

                                     BOYS
                         Gays in Scouts!

                                     STAN
                         When do we want it?

                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih!

                                     STAN
                         What do we want?

                                     RANDY
                          Oh, no.

                                     BOYS
                         Gays in Scouts!

                                     STAN
                         When do we want it?

                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih!

               [South Park streets, day, further down the street. The six boys 
               continue picketing.]
 
                                     STAN
                         What do we want?

                                     BOYS
                         Gays in Scouts!

                                     STAN
                         When do we want it?

                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih! 

                                     STAN
                         Alright, this looks like the perfect 
                         place to get some signatures. 
 
                                     LITTLE GIRL
                         Puppies. Puppies for sale.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Beat it, toots! We've got discrimination 
                         work to do! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Alright, let's set up.  Ah hi, we're 
                         here to collect signature in support 
                         to force the Scouts to accept gays? 
                          Uh, hello, gays in Scouts?  Goddamnit! 
                         
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hey! Why don't we have Jimmy do some 
                         stand-up comedy? Like at our bake sale, 
                         very much?
 
                                     STAN
                         That's a great idea!  Attention, ladies 
                         and gentlemen! Now, for your entertainment, 
                         stand-up comic, Jimmy!
 
                                     JIMMY
                          Wow, what a great audience. For my 
                         first joke, I'm going to need a... volunteer. 
                         Come on up here, Tim-Tim.  Timmy, when 
                         I tell you to do something, you do it!
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih!

                                     JIMMY
                         Timmy, don't make me k... kick you ass!
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmay!

                                     JIMMY
                         Put on the hat!

                                     TIMMY
                          TIMMAY!

                                     JIMMY
                         Pu-put it on!!

                                     STAN
                         Dude, this looks like it could get ugly. 
                         
 
                                     TIMMY
                          Timmih. Timmih.

                                     JIMMY
                         Not this year.

                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih Timmh.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Cripple fight!

                                     TIMMY
                         Haaa.

                                     JIMMY
                         Coem on. Come on!

                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih.

               [South Park Church. A service is on, and organ music plays]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         CRIPPLE FIGHT!!! 

               [Henry's Supermarket, inside. Shoppers mill about, getting their 
               items]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Attention, shoppers. Outside, we have... 
                         cripple fight. Cripple fight outside! 
                         
 
               [Parking lot. Timmy delivers the fist blow, to Jimmy's head, 
               but Jimmy delivers four blows back with his crutches. The third 
               one turns Timmy's head to the left. The fourth one turns Timmy's 
               head to the right and forces the wheelchair backwards. Jimmy 
               recovers and the rivals approach each other anew]
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Come on!

               [Jimmy jumps up and delivers a blow to Timmy's face, but Timmy 
               responds with four quick blows - a right hook, two left jabs, 
               and another right hook - sending Jimmy to the ground face first.]
 
               
                                     JIMMY
                          Man.

                                     STAN
                         Jesus Christ, dude! 

                                     WOMAN
                         Oh my God!

                                     MAN
                         Just let 'em have it out, Susan. They'll 
                         run out of steam soon. 
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Hahnay Timmih.

                                     JIMMY
                          Huah!

                                     TIMMY
                         Hahnay Timmih.

                                     JIMMY
                          Come on!

                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih!

                                     JIMMY
                         No!  Ow!

               [Jimmy recoups and delivers a back-handed blow to Timmy with 
               his right crutch, then measures Timmy and swings the crutch back 
               and launches Timmy out of his chair. Timmy quickly scrambles 
               back to his chair, but Jimmy whacks him away again. Camera movements 
               get more dynamic. Timmy rolls over and Jimmy walks up to him 
               and offers his left hand]
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Timmy? Timmy? 

               I told you to put on the HAT!! [swings his right crutch and blows 
               Timmy out of the chair again. Jimmy walks up to Timmy and pulls 
               him up by the hair, and swings the right crutch at him, but Timmy 
               blocks it and holds both crutches down]
 
               You dirty motherfucker! [hits Timmy with the crutches, and Timmy 
               responds with a headbutt, knocking Jimmy down. Timmy goes down 
               himself]
 
                                     MAN 2
                          What's goin' on?

                                     MAN 3
                          Some kind of gay pride rally.

               [Timmy gets a hold of Jimmy and delivers a right cross. Jimmy 
               responds by striking Timmy with both crutches, then grounding 
               his crutches and swinging his legs up to strike Timmy agian. 
               Next, Jimmy tries to pull Timmy off the wheelchair head first, 
               then tries to get a reverse headlock on Timmy. Timmy breaks out 
               of it and delivers a blow. They each try a headlock on the other, 
               but the effort forces the wheelchair backwards, and they both 
               fall out.]
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Lah-livin' a lie!

               [Jimmy chokes Timmy for a bit, then rises to jump on him. Timmy 
               tries to force Jimmy off by pushing Jimmy's face back, but Jimmy 
               bites Timmy's fingers. Timmy cries in pain, then flips Jimmy 
               off overhead. Jimmy scrambles up on his crutches as Timmy tends 
               to his bitten hand, and strikes Timmy again, and again. Jimmy 
               then swings his legs into Timmy and flies off - a flying kick. 
               Timmy rises and jumps on Jimmy, grabbing his head and ramming 
               it into the ground twice, then performing an eye gouge. Jimmy 
               works around it and throws Timmy off, then jumps on him, driving 
               a knee into Timmy's crotch five times, shot from various angles. 
               Jimmy struggles to get up, and Timmy trips him.]
 
               [Channel 4 News report]

                                     REPORTER
                         Tom, I'm standing out in front of Henry's 
                         Supermarket where five brave little 
                         boys are holding a rally to support 
                         gays in scouting. The rally is drawing 
                         so much attention that people all over 
                         the country are taking media notice.
 
                         
                                     FARMER
                         Those boys have shown me the light. 
                         Uh I never knew the Mountain Scouts 
                         was a hate group.
 
                                     JOE
                          This is a wake up call to America. 
                         We cannot turn our backs on gays anymore!
 
                         
               [South Park Bar. People are looking at the report]

                                     RANDY
                         Oh, God, they're actually pulling it 
                         off.
 
               Reporter	[voice only] The rally has also caught the attention 
               of old Scouts members, like Steven Spielberg, director of such 
               films as Always and 1941.
 
               [Cut to Channel 4 News report]

                                     STEVEN SPIELBERG
                          I salute those boys and their courage. 
                         I am hereby cutting all my funding to 
                         the Scouts!
 
                                     REPORTER
                         The rally has also caught the attention 
                         of high-powered lawyer, Gloria Allred.
 
                         
                                     GLORIA ALLRED
                          It is a disgrace that these homophobes 
                         are allowed to discriminate.  I am taking 
                         this case on, personally!
 
                                     REPORTER
                         With this kind of support, Tom, these 
                         boys are sure to have a victory for 
                         gays. Back to you.
 
                                     TOM
                         Thanks, Chris. In other news, the FBI 
                         has finally caught the child molester 
                         known as Mr. Slippyfist.  This sick 
                         child molester was found with disturbing 
                         graphic photos of young boys naked, 
                         which we will show you now.
 
               [Cut to South Park Bar for reactions. The men are stunned]

                                     TOM
                          Here's one. And here's another.

                                     STUART
                         Kenny?

                                     RANDY
                         Oh my God.

                                     TOM
                         Here, look at this one. Sick sonofabitch! 
                         Here's one right here.
 
               [Jimmy and Timmy have taken to throwing each other all over the 
               place. Jimmy and Timmy land on a car and tumble down to the ground 
               beside it. The camera follows the action closely. Jimmy picks 
               Timmy up and throws him back on the car, then swings his right 
               crutch at Timmy, striking him, and strikes him again on the return 
               swing. Timmy punches Jimmy with his left fist, sending Jimmy 
               spinning around. Jimmy swings at Timmy again, but Timmy ducks 
               and catches Jimmy in a sleeper hold, holding on for a few seconds. 
               Jimmy escapes, then picks Timmy up high and brings him down upon 
               the left knee for a back-breaker. Timmy rises and responds with 
               a neck-breaker, knocking Jimmy out. Both boys lay there, motionless.]
 
               
                                     MAN
                         Alright, boys, break it up.

               [Colorado Supreme Court, day, exterior shot. Inside, the justices 
               enter and take their seats]
 
                                     BAILIFF
                         All rise.

                                     CHIEF JUSTICE
                         In the case of Big Gay Al versus Mountain 
                         Scouts of America: due to the overwhelming 
                         show of support, it is the ruling of 
                         this court that the Scouts must allow 
                         Big Gay Al and all gays into their club!
 
                         
                                     CROWD
                         Alright! Yeah! Woohoo! 

                                     RANDY
                         Well, we'va all learned an important 
                         lesson. That just because somebody's 
                         gay doesn't mean they're gonna molest 
                         children. Straight people do that too.
 
                         
                                     CROWD
                         Yeah! 

                                     CHIEF JUSTICE
                         And furthermore, the Scout elders will 
                         be put into stocks for three days, so 
                         they can see how it feels to be outcast!
 
                         
                                     CROWD
                         Hooray, yeah, yeahah! 

                                     STAN
                         We did it! We did it!

                                     GLROIA ALLRED
                         I did it! I did it! Haha! 

               [Colorado Supreme Court, day, outside. Gloria Allred is holding 
               a press conference at the top of the steps at the courthouse]
 
               
                                     GLORIA ALLRED
                         Today is a great day for democracy. 
                         The Scouts have been exposed for the 
                         vile gay bashers they are.  And we all 
                         it all to me, and these six brave little 
                         boys  five... brave little boys. And 
                         now, here to take his official oath 
                         back in Scouts is Big Gay Al. 
 
                                     BIG GAY AL
                          Thank you all very much. But I don't 
                         want this. 
 
                                     CROWD MEMBERS
                         What's he saying?

                                     STAN
                         Huh?

                                     BIG GAY AL
                         Look, I appreciate what you kids did; 
                         really, I really do. But this isn't 
                         what I wanted. I'm proud to be gay. 
                         And I'm proud to be in a country where 
                         I'm free to express myself. But freedom 
                         is a two-way street. If I'm free to 
                         express myself, then the Scouts have 
                         to be free to express themselves, too. 
                         I know these men. They are good men. 
                         They are kind men. They do what they 
                         think is best for kids. No matter how 
                         wrong we think they might be, it isn't 
                         right for us to force them to think 
                         our way. It's up to us to persuade, 
                         and help them see the light, not extort 
                         them to. Please, don't cut the Scouts' 
                         funding. The Scouts help and have always 
                         helped a lot of kids. That's why I love 
                         them. I will continue to persuade them 
                         to change their mind, but this is the 
                         wrong way to do it. So, I am hereby 
                         dropping my case, and allowing the Scouts 
                         their right to not allow gays into their 
                         private club.
 
                                     MAN
                         Uh, uh, HOORAY!

                                     ANOTHER MAN
                         Hooray, hey!

                                     STAN
                         So wait, did we do good?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh yeah, ah I think so.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Eh, we kick ass.

                                     BIG GAY AL
                          Come on kids, let's go get some ice 
                         cream! 
 
                                     GLORIA ALLRED
                          You can't do this! You homophobe!
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                         Well, Timmy, I guess we learned an important 
                         lesson, too, very much. There is room 
                         for more than one handi-capable person 
                         in Scouts.
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih.

                                     JIMMY
                         I'm glad we're best friends now. See 
                         ya at Scouts. 
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Tim-mih.

                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih Timmih Timmih Timmih, Timmih 
                         Timmih Timmih.  Timmih Timmih Timmih 
                         Timmih, Timmih Timmih Timmih.  Aaaaah.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Dude, Timmy, come on! We're gonna be 
                         late for Scouts! 
 
               [Park County Community Center, day. Inside the boys are seated 
               around the table, and a new Scoutmaster, the head Scoutmaster, 
               is present]
 
                                     HEAD SCOUTMASTER
                         Alright, boys, I am your new Scout leader. 
                         Everything is going to be just fine. 
                         No naked pictures.
 
                                     TIMMY
                          Uh, Timmih.

                                     HEAD SCOUTMASTER
                         Yes, Timmy?  Oh dear. Jimmy?

                                     JIMMY
                         Yes?

                                     HEAD SCOUTMASTER
                         You know our policy: I'm afraid you're... 
                         out of Scouts.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Out of Scouts? 

                                     TIMMY
                          Tim-mih.

               Jimmy	Huh w-what? [the two other Scoutmasters come up behind 
               Jimmy, pull him out of his chair, and carry him towards the entrance] 
               Hey wait a minute! This is crazy! You can't do this!
 
                                     STAN
                         Wow, I never knew Jimmy was gay.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Me neither. 

                                     JIMMY
                         No! No! 

                                     TIMMY
                          Timmiiih!!!

               THE END

Cripple Fight!



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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