The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb)


The web's largest
movie script resource!

Search IMSDb

Alphabetical
# A B C D E F G H
I J K L M N O P Q
R S T U V W X Y Z

Genre
Action Adventure Animation
Comedy Crime Drama
Family Fantasy Film-Noir
Horror Musical Mystery
Romance Sci-Fi Short
Thriller War Western

Sponsor

TV Transcripts
Futurama
Seinfeld
South Park
Stargate SG-1
Lost
The 4400

International
French scripts

Movie Software
DVD ripper software offer
Rip from DVD
Rip Blu-Ray

Latest Comments
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10
Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10
Batman Begins9/10
Collateral10/10
Jackie Brown8/10

Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS



                                        SOUTH PARK

                                       Episode 108

                                         "DAMIEN"

                                            by

                                 Matt Stone & Trey Parker

                

               EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY

               Establishing.

               INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY

               The children take their seats for another day of school.

               Cartman is passing out envelopes to all the kids.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Here you go, Kyle. And here's yours 
                         Stan...

                                     KYLE
                              (Opening the envelope)
                         What is this, Cartman?

                                     CARTMAN
                         They're invitations to my birthday 
                         party this weekend.

                                     STAN
                         Oh, Sweet! Your mom is giving you a 
                         big party again this year?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Thaaaat's right!
                              (Singing)
                         'Cause it's my birthday! My Bu-Bu 
                         Birthdayyy!

                                     KYLE
                         Kick ass, dude. Cartman's mom throws 
                         the best birthday parties ever!

                                     CARTMAN
                         That's right!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, if MY mom could cook like 
                         Cartman's mom, I'd be a big fat ass 
                         too.

                                     CARTMAN
                         That's right!
                              (Catching himself)
                         HEY!

                                     PIP
                         Oh Eric, I didn't get an invitation.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh really? Gosh, where could I have 
                         put Pip's invitation?

               Cartman pretends to look around.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Let's see... Pip's invitation... 
                         Pip's invitation... OH, I REMEMBER!

               Pip lights up.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I shoved it up my ass!

               Pip looks sad.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes that's right, I wrote it out, 
                         put it in a envelope, sealed it, and 
                         then PLOOP! Shoved it right my ass, 
                         forever ruining any chance you had 
                         of coming to my birthday party. Sorry, 
                         Pip ol' chap.

               Cartman walks past Pip and hands out more invites.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Here's yours Wendy, and here's yours 
                         Clyde...

               Mr. Garrison walks in.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Children, children... Today is a 
                         very special day --

                                     CARTMAN
                         No, my birthday isn't until Saturday.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I'm not talking about your birthday, 
                         Eric. We have a new student joining 
                         our class today!

               The kids all moan.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Now, some of you know what it's like 
                         to be the new kid in town. So I want 
                         you all to take special care to make 
                         him feel welcome.

               An odd-looking child wearing all black steps up next to Mr. 
               Garrison.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I want you all to meet our new 
                         classmate... Uh... What's your name 
                         again?

                                     DAMIEN
                         Damien.

               CLOSE UP on Damien's eyes. Demonic music plays.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Say hi to Damien!

               The kids don't respond.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         And where are you from, Damien?

                                     DAMIEN
                         The seventh layer of hell.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Ooh, that's exciting. My mother was 
                         from Alabama.

               Damien stands up on a chair.

                                     DAMIEN
                         My arrival connotes the end of the 
                         beginning the beginning of the end! 
                         The new reign of my father!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Your father?

                                     DAMIEN
                         The Prince of Darkness!

               Dramatic music.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Wow, we have royalty in our class! 
                         Why don't you take your seat, Damien, 
                         we're going to finish our lesson on 
                         great singers of the Baroque Era.

               Damien gets down from the chair and sits next to Cartman.

               Cartman glares at him.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Now children, Nancy Sinatra was quite 
                         a choice piece of ass...

               As Garrison continues, Cartman leans over to Damien.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey new kid, do you want an invitation 
                         to my birthday party?

                                     DAMIEN
                         Here begins the rule of pain. The 
                         new domination of --

                                     CARTMAN
                         PSYCHE!! I wasn't gonna GIVE you an 
                         invitation!! HA, HA!!

               Damien looks shocked.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, who cut your hair? Stevie Wonder?

               Damien turns his head to one side. CHOIR MUSIC kicks in as 
               Cartman's desk goes flying up into the air and out the window.

                                     STAN
                         Woa, dude!

                                     KYLE
                         Damn! What a FREAK!

                                     CARTMAN
                         HEY! I had a poofie pie in that desk.

                                     DAMIEN
                         NOW FEEL THE WRATH OF THE FALLEN 
                         ANGEL!! THE PLAGUE OF NIGHT IS UPON 
                         THE!!!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Damien, do you need to sit in time 
                         out for a few minutes?

               Damien looks around, confused. Then he steps down from his 
               desk and sits calmly.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Singing)
                         You got in trou-ble! You got in trou-
                         ble!

               INT. CAFETERIA - DAY

               The boys are eating lunch. Stan is reading from an envelope.

                                     STAN
                         Hey Cartman, how come the birthday 
                         invitation you gave me says 'Green 
                         Mega Man'?

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, mine says 'Red Mega-Man'.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Right. That's what you're supposed 
                         to get me for my birthday.

               Stan and Kyle look at each other.

                                     STAN
                         Dude! You're not supposed to TELL 
                         people what to get you for your 
                         birthday!

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, that's weak!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Look, it's very simple, guys. Green 
                         Mega Man goes with Red Mega-Man and 
                         Yellow Mega-Man to make the Ultra-
                         Mega-Mega-Man. You have to have all 
                         three or doesn't work, see?

                                     STAN
                         Up yours, Cartman. I'll get you 
                         whatever the hell I want!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh! So maybe you don't want to have 
                         any of my mom's cake pie and ice 
                         cream then!

               Stan shuts up.

                                     STAN
                         Oh, Green Mega-Man it is.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Now, as you can see, Kenny, YOU are 
                         to get me Yellow Mega-Man. That's 
                         because yellow Mega-Man is the 
                         cheapest one, and I know how poor 
                         your family is...

               Just then, Damien sits down with his lunch tray. The boys 
               all looked shocked.

                                     STAN
                         Hey, what do you think you're doing, 
                         new kid?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, you can't sit with us, weirdo!

               Damien looks a little hurt.

                                     DAMIEN
                         INFIDELS! I will turn you all into 
                         beasts of burden!!

                                     KYLE
                         You can't sit with us new kid! Go 
                         find another table!!

               Damien scowls and stomps off.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Anyway, Kenny, yellow Mega-Man is 
                         only $8.95, so maybe your mom can 
                         put it on layaway and make payments 
                         for a year or two.

               Stan and Kyle laugh. Kenny punches Cartman.

               As Cartman continues, Damien sits at a table that is empty 
               except for Pip.

                                     PIP
                         Oh, good day, Damien! My name is 
                         Phillip, but everyone calls me 
                         'Pip'... Because they hate me.

                                     DAMIEN
                         Then I will call you PIP.

                                     PIP
                         Right-o.

               Stan calls over from his table --

                                     STAN
                         Hey new kid!

               Damien turns to the boys.

                                     STAN
                         Kenny says he saw your mom drop you 
                         off this morning, and she's a REAL 
                         DOG!

               The boys all laugh. Damien scowls.

                                     KENNY
                         Mph rmph rm rmph rm!

               The boys laugh even harder. Damien gets pissed. He cringes 
               his brow. More CHOIR music jumps in.

                                     DAMIEN
                         THAT DOES IT!! OOF-FAAA!!!

               Kenny shivers and shakes and then suddenly -- PWOOF! Kenny 
               is turned into a duck billed platypus. (Still wearing his 
               little orange coat.)

                                     STAN
                         What the --

                                     KYLE
                         Dude! He turned Kenny into a duck 
                         billed platypus!

                                     STAN
                         A what?

                                     KENNY
                         Wack, wack.

                                     CARTMAN
                         HEY!! Turn him back you butthole!! 
                         He has to buy me the yellow Mega-
                         Man!!

                                     CHEF
                         Hello there, children!

                                     BOYS
                         Hey, Chef.

                                     CHEF
                         How's it going?

                                     STAN AND KYLE
                         Bad.

                                     CHEF
                         Why bad?

                                     KYLE
                         Chef, there's a new kid in school, 
                         and he's a total weird-o freak.

                                     CHEF
                         Oh children, children, you shouldn't 
                         not like somebody just because they're 
                         different. Here, let me sing you a 
                         little song...

               Music starts in.

                                     CHEF
                              (Singing)
                         We're all special, in our own way 
                         Everybody's different but that's 
                         okay 'Cause even though we might 
                         have different color skin, different 
                         points of views, be tall or thin -- 
                         It doesn't mean I can't lay you down, 
                         woman and touch your silky skin -- 
                         Put my love deep inside you where no 
                         man has ever been -- Rub your legs, 
                         caress your thighs and....

               Chef stops himself.

                                     CHEF
                         What were we talking about again?

                                     KYLE
                              (Pointing)
                         The new kid.

               Damien is now standing on the lunch table with his arms 
               raised.

                                     DAMIEN
                         Death to the holy! The wrath of the 
                         fallen angel now makes for you all!!!!

               Damien throws his hands in the air and tables go flying 
               everywhere. Blood starts dripping from the ceiling.

                                     STAN
                         WHOA!!!!

               The cafeteria is like the eye of a hurricane.

                                     CHEF
                         Ooh, that is one futched up little 
                         cracker!!!!

                                     KYLE
                         We told you, dude!

               Damien continues to throw his hands up in the air. Shit 
               continues to fly everywhere.

                                     CHEF
                              (Shouting)
                         We've got to do something, children! 
                         He's tearing my cafeteria apart!!

                                     DAMIEN
                         BRING ME JESUS!! MY WRATH SHALL 
                         CONTINUE UNTIL I SPEAK WITH JESUS!!!

               Stan and Kyle look at each other.

                                     KYLE & STAN
                         Jesus?

               INT. T.V. STUDIO - DAY

               Jesus is sitting at a make-up table brushing his hair.

                                     STAGE MANAGER
                         Two minutes to air, Jesus.

                                     JESUS
                         Thanks, Roland. Blessed art Thou.

               Stan and Kyle charge into the dressing room.

                                     STAN
                         Jesus, Jesus!!

                                     JESUS
                         Hi kids, I only do autographs after 
                         the show.

                                     STAN
                         No, no, there's a big problem at 
                         school! Some new kid showed up wearing 
                         all black and Chef thinks he's evil.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, look what he did to our friend 
                         Kenny.

                                     KENNY
                         Wack, wack.

                                     JESUS
                         Wow... That's pretty heavy.

                                     STAN
                         This new kid keeps throwing things 
                         around and saying stuff about his 
                         Dark Prince Father coming. He said 
                         he wants to talk to you.

                                     JESUS
                              (Standing)
                         The Dark Prince?

                                     STAN AND KYLE
                         Yeah.

               ZOOM IN on Jesus who suddenly realizes what this all means.

                                     JESUS
                              (Standing up)
                         So it was written... And so the cycle 
                         of years brings the son of the evil 
                         one...

                                     STAN
                              (To Kyle)
                         Oh brother, now HE'S talking like 
                         the new kid.

                                     JESUS
                         Thou must taketh me to the seedling 
                         of Satan so mine eyes can confirm 
                         the wretched truth.

                                     KYLE
                         Kay.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - PLAYGROUND - DAY

               A recess monitor blows her whistle as kids run around the 
               playground.

                                     RECESS MONITOR
                         Five minutes until recess is over 
                         you little bastards!!

               Cartman is standing by the swingset with full on graphs, 
               charts and drawings. A few random kids are gathered around.

               Cartman has a pointer in his hand and is using it to 
               demonstrate as he talks.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Now, as you can see, the Red Mega-
                         Man uses the --
                              (Pointing)
                         Mega Cycle, which is what Clyde will 
                         be getting me for my birthday. Wendy, 
                         YOU were supposed to get me the Mega 
                         Power Chopper illustrated --
                              (Pointing)
                         HERE. But I am changing your present 
                         to the Yellow Mega-Man, since Kenny 
                         has been turned into a --
                              (Pointing)
                         duck billed platypus. That means 
                         that the Mega-Man Beach House, 
                         illustrated here... Will be a gift 
                         given by two people at once...

               The kids all try to follow along with their eyes. A few take 
               notes.

               EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE PLAYGROUND

               Meanwhile, Damien is at another part of the playground setting 
               things on fire with his hands. Pip is standing next to him.

               Damien spins around and burns down the slide. Several children 
               look sad.

                                     BEBE
                         Our slide!

               Damien spins around and sets the teeter-totter a blaze. Again 
               the children look sad.

                                     DAMIEN
                         FEEL MY WRATH!!!

                                     PIP
                         Oh dear, you shouldn't be so upset, 
                         Damien. I know its hard being the 
                         new kid, but the children may accept 
                         you some day.

                                     DAMIEN
                              (Insincere)
                         I DON'T NEED ACCEPTANCE! I'M THE SON 
                         OF SATAN!!

               Another flick of the hand, and Damien burns down the little 
               spring-animals.

               Damien turns and burns down the jungle gym.

                                     PIP
                         Believe me, I know what its like not 
                         to have friends. Perhaps you should 
                         speak to the school counselor, he 
                         helps me a lot when I'm feeling 
                         lonely.

               Damien stops and thinks.

                                     JESUS
                         DAMIEN!!!

               Damien turns around and sees Jesus standing with Stan and 
               Kyle and the Kenny duck billed platypus.

                                     DAMIEN
                         AH! Son of Stench!! Cursed ruler of 
                         the weak!!

                                     JESUS
                         So it IS Thou! Son of Lucifer!!

                                     DAMIEN
                         Your time on this Earth is short!! 
                         Soon my father comes!!!

               Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman follow the biblical exchange 
               like a tennis match with their heads.

                                     JESUS
                         Let him come then! I shall stop him!

                                     DAMIEN
                         Behold! He is already upon us!!

               Suddenly, clouds move all over the sky. The day becomes black.

                                     KYLE
                         Oh, dude!

               A huge booming voice comes from all around.

                                     EVIL VOICE
                         Et dominous em pluribus unom som...

               Damien closes his eyes and listens. Jesus looks around, 
               confused.

                                     EVIL VOICE
                         Forente omi sanctum san ri en unibus.

               Winds blow, thing fly all around. Half the townspeople come 
               running up to see what's happening.

                                     JIMBO
                         What the hell is going on?!

               Now a normal looking priest, (we call him PRIEST MAXI) walks 
               up and looks around.

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                              (Pointing to Jesus)
                         Look! It's that guy from the public 
                         access show!

               Jesus looks around the flying debris. Chef comes running up 
               as well.

                                     ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
                         WHAT'S HAPPENING?!

                                     CHEF
                              (To the pretty women)
                         Come over here if you're scared, 
                         womens! I'll protect you!

               Mr. Garrison hides in Chef's bosom.

                                     CHEF
                         Not, you dammit!

                                     EVIL VOICE
                         En ri... En ri omnibus spiritus...

               Finally, Damien opens his eyes.

                                     DAMIEN
                         Jesus... My father says... He CHOOSES 
                         YOU! He CALLS YOU OUT!

               Jesus eyes grow wide. All the townspeople look at each other.

                                     DAMIEN
                         Be here at this time tomorrow! There 
                         the terms will be discussed!

                                     JESUS
                         Very well! Let the final battle 
                         between good and evil be fought... 
                         Right here in South Park!

               The townspeople all look thrilled.

                                     JIMBO
                         Come on Ned! We gotta get our asses 
                         to the bookie!!

               Everyone disperses. Stan and Kyle walks up next to Jesus.

                                     STAN
                         You're gonna fight Satan?

                                     JESUS
                         This fight has been ordained since 
                         the beginning. My children, this is 
                         the most crucial and serious time of 
                         all history...

               INT. TELEVISION

               An ad is playing on the television.

                                     NARRATOR
                         Who will win our souls? Our savior 
                         and Lord? Or the Prince of Darkness!

               SERIOUS MUSIC plays as strange images fly past the screen.

                                     NARRATOR
                         It's the Final Battle between good 
                         and evil. AND IT'S ONLY ON PAY PER 
                         VIEW!!

               TITLES fly into frame 'JESUS VS. SATAN'

                                     NARRATOR
                         Jesus verses Satan! Live from the 
                         South Park Forum on Saturday! Call 
                         now to order, only $49.95!

               INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE

               Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Duck Billed Kenny are watching T.V.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, wait a minute! Saturday is my 
                         birthday party! They can't have the 
                         fight on Saturday!

                                     KENNY
                         Mwack, mwack!

                                     STAN
                         I don't know what to do, dude. Do we 
                         go to the fight or Cartman's birthday?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Cartman's birthday!

                                     KYLE
                         We can't miss the final apocalyptic 
                         battle between good and evil.

                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys! My mom's getting a ferris 
                         wheel!

                                     STAN
                         Well, come on, we have to at least 
                         see the weigh in.

               Stan, Kyle and Kenny head out.

                                     CARTMAN
                         WHO THE HELL DECIDED THIS FIGHT HAD 
                         TO BE ON SATURDAY HUH?!! THIS WHOLE 
                         THING IS A PLOT AGAINST ME, ISN'T 
                         IT!!

                                    COMMERCIAL BREAK 1

               EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - DAY

               A large group of people have gathered around Jesus in downtown 
               South Park.

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         When is Satan going to show up?

               Another Townsperson shrugs as he prepares his camera by 
               cleaning off the lens.

               The boys walk up.

                                     STAN
                         Did The Devil show up yet?

                                     JESUS
                         Not yet.

                                     KYLE
                         Hey Jesus, If you win the fight can 
                         you turn Kenny back to normal?

               Jesus looks at the little duck billed platypus.

                                     JESUS
                         What the hell do you mean IF I win 
                         the fight?

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Aside)
                         Don't mind him, Jesus. He's Jewish.

                                     JESUS
                              (Understanding)
                         Oh.

               Still more townspeople show up.

                                     JIMBO
                         We're all with you Jesus! We put 
                         every dime we have on you beating 
                         that Dark Prince!

               The townspeople all cheer.

                                     JESUS
                         Thank you for your faith. But I think 
                         perhaps you don't understand the 
                         severity of the situation...

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         You're gonna kick his ass, Jesus!

               The Townspeople all cheer again. Suddenly, a HUGE booming 
               sound starts.

                                     JESUS
                         Behold, the evil one approaches.

               In walks Satan. Seven feet two inches, three hundred and ten 
               pounds -- A BIG, BAD ASS MOTHER FUCKER.

               Jesus' eyes get HUGE.

               The Townspeople's jaws all drop in unison.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Holy poop on a stick!

                                     SATAN
                              (Deep, bellowing voice)
                         Puny son of Jehovah. Prepare to enter 
                         thy house of pain.

                                     STAN
                         Holy crap, dude, Satan is HUGE!

                                     JIMBO
                         Now that is a man who has eaten a 
                         lot of beef.

               Jesus tries to look tough, but he's obviously scared. Stan 
               and Kyle look at each other with deep concern.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - DAY

               Everybody is still gathered around for the weigh in. Satan 
               stands in front of Jesus looking tough and confident.

                                     SATAN
                         Son of God, I will smash thy face 
                         into small little bits.

               Jesus swallows hard, then tries desperately not to sound 
               scared.

                                     JESUS
                         Oh... Oh yeah?

                                     SATAN
                         I have such delightful horrors to 
                         unleash upon thee.

                                     JESUS
                         Oh yeah?

               The Townspeople look at each other, concerned. The Weigh In 
               Guy stands with a large scale. He gestures for Satan to step 
               up, and he does.

                                     WEIGH IN GUY
                         Satan weighs in at... Three Hundred 
                         and Twenty pounds four ounces!

               The townspeople all gasp. Jesus replaces Satan on the scale.

                                     WEIGH IN GUY
                         Jesus Christ weighs in at... A hundred 
                         and thirty-five pounds -- one ounce!

               Stan and Kyle look at each other.

                                     CHEF
                         Ooh, crap.

                                     JESUS
                              (Checking the scale)
                         Oh come on, I weigh more than that!

               Satan throws his arms in the air.

                                     SATAN
                         LET THE NEW PRINCE BE DECIDED ON 
                         SATURDAY!! FIRST SOUTH PARK, THEN 
                         THE WORLD!!!!!!!!

               Satan leaves. Jesus stands there, still obviously shaken.

               The Townspeople look around, with knowing nods.

                                     JIMBO
                         Well... I think I'll uh... I think I 
                         left the oven on...

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Yeah... I think I left your oven on, 
                         too...

               All the Townspeople slowly back away. Jesus looks at them 
               suspiciously.

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         See ya, Saturday, Jesus. Good Luck...

               INT. SPORT'S BOOK - DAY

               The townspeople suddenly burst through the doors and storm 
               the bookie.

                                     JIMBO
                         I want to change my bet to Satan!!

                                     NED
                         Me too!!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I was here first!

               INT. SCHOOL COUNSELOR'S OFFICE

               A wiry, dorky man sits at a desk with his hands folded. A 
               sign on the desk tells us very clearly that this is the SCHOOL 
               COUNSELOR.

                                     COUNSELOR
                         Now, as your counselor, I want you 
                         to feel like you can tell me ANYTHING 
                         OK?... Being the new kid can be tough, 
                         but I'm your friend Okay.

               Sitting across from the counselor is little Damien, actually 
               looking a little bummed for the first time.

                                     DAMIEN
                         Everybody hates me.

                                     COUNSELOR
                         Well... Why do you suppose that is?

                                     DAMIEN
                              (Thinking)
                         Because I'm the son of the devil?

                                     COUNSELOR
                         Uh-huh. That's a good start. Why 
                         else?

                                     DAMIEN
                              (Thinking)
                         Because I burn them and kill them?

                                     COUNSELOR
                         Well, yes, maybe that's it... What 
                         you need to do Damien is to be overly 
                         nice. No matter how mean the other 
                         kids are to you, just don't retaliate.

               Damien thinks.

                                     COUNSELOR
                         Be passive, Okay? that's what I taught 
                         the little British boy, Pip, and 
                         just look at how much the other 
                         children like him now!

               EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - PLAYGROUND - DAY

               A few children are standing in a circle with Pip in the 
               middle.

                                     CLYDE
                         I bet I can spit the most on him!

               Clyde let's a loogie go on Pip.

                                     BEBE
                         Oh yeah, I bet I can get spit in his 
                         hair!

               Bebe spits a wod in Pip's eye.

                                     PIP
                         Oh, nice try! A little higher and 
                         you've got it.

               At another part of the playground, the boys are all just 
               standing around, since all the playground equipment was burned 
               down by Damien.

                                     STAN
                         Man, recess sucks without any slides 
                         or nothin'.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, here comes unholy butthole now.

               Damien walks by.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey! Thanks a lot for burning 
                         everything down, you little bitch!

               Damien takes a deep breath.

                                     DAMIEN
                         I apologize for ruining your 
                         playground and turning your friend 
                         into a duck billed platypus. I was 
                         doing my father's bidding. I didn't 
                         have a choice.

               The boys all think.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, oh!

               Cartman walks up to Damien and farts on him.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, excuse me, new kid! I didn't 
                         mean to fart on you, I didn't have a 
                         choice!

               Damien looks pissed, but he holds back.

                                     STAN
                         Whew! You stink new kid! You smell 
                         like a fart!

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, we're gonna call you fart boy 
                         from now on!

               Damien walks off, pissed off and sad.

                                     STAN
                         Bye Bye, Fart boy!

                                     KYLE
                         See ya!

               Damien leaves and walks up to Pip.

                                     PIP
                         Good day. How are you, Damien?

                                     DAMIEN
                         Those guys farted on me and then 
                         called me --

                                     PIP
                         Fart boy? Oh good, perhaps they won't 
                         call ME that any more!

               INT. SOUTH PARK BAR - NIGHT

               The Townspeople are all sitting around tables, drinking beer 
               and conversing.

               Suddenly, Jesus walks in through the front door looking very 
               upset.

                                     JESUS
                         Excuse me!

               And the room goes silent.

                                     JESUS
                              (Pissed)
                         I just talked to the BOOKIE at the 
                         sports BETTING bar...

                                     CHEF
                         Oh, oh...

               The townspeople all look around and whistle.

                                     JESUS
                         I HAVE BEEN FORSAKEN!! It seems that 
                         several bets were changed to Satan 
                         this morning!

               The townspeople look at each other.

                                     JESUS
                         In fact, it seems that only ONE PERSON 
                         in this ENTIRE TOWN is still betting 
                         on me!

               Jimbo looks at the townspeople with disapproval.

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         You should all be ashamed of 
                         yourselves! Betting against your 
                         Lord and savior! I am disgusted!

                                     JESUS
                         YOUR bet was changed as well. YOU 
                         Forsaked me too!

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Uh, right... Well, he does have a 
                         couple hundred pounds on you, Jesus.

                                     JESUS
                         I implore you all -- Don't bet on 
                         the Dark one! It is a bet that you 
                         will NEVER win!

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Jesus, I am sorry I have sinned 
                         against you. I am gonna march right 
                         over to that bookie and change my 
                         bet RIGHT NOW!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh Yeah, me too!

                                     JIMBO
                         Yeah!

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Praise the Lord. Thank you sweet 
                         Jesus for showing us the light, See 
                         ya later!

               Jesus pauses, then again looks suspicious and walks out. As 
               soon as the door closes, everybody immediately sits back and 
               starts drinking again.

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         What the hell, does he think we're 
                         crazy?

               Everybody laughs. Jesus pops back in.

                                     JESUS
                         You're all a bunch of Judases!

               EXT. SOUTH PARK BAR - NIGHT

               Jesus walks out of the bar huffingly and bumps into the boys.

                                     STAN
                         Hey, Jesus.

                                     JESUS
                         What are you doing out so late, kids?

                                     KYLE
                         We have to find red and green mega-
                         mans for Cartman's birthday party.

                                     JESUS
                         Oh...
                              (thinking)
                         Kids... YOU believe I can beat Satan, 
                         right?

                                     STAN
                         Sure, dude, you're the son of God.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. You aren't having doubts are 
                         you?

                                     JESUS
                         No, no...
                              (Pause)
                         But could you help me train a little?

               INT. PRESS ROOM - DAY

               Several cameras are surrounding a table where Satan is sitting 
               behind a plethora of microphones.

                                     REPORTER
                         Satan, what do you expect the outcome 
                         of the fight to be?

                                     SATAN
                         I will crush him like a little bug.

                                     ANOTHER REPORTER
                         Satan, what about the rumors of your 
                         involvement in the Gulf War?

               Satan starts to speak, but suddenly a hand jumps in and covers 
               up the microphone.

               WHIP PAN RIGHT to reveal DON KING sitting next to Satan.

                                     DON KING
                         Let's focus on the fight, can we 
                         please? I'm so sick of people talking 
                         smack about my fighters. All this 
                         'He's mean', 'He's a dirty fighter', 
                         'He the cause for all violence and 
                         death in the world', it's just getting 
                         old. Let's just let everything be 
                         decided in the ring.

               INT. GYM - DAY

               Jesus is wearing large boxing gloves, and punching a bag 
               that Stan and Kyle are holding.

                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys, shouldn't you be out 
                         shopping for my birthday presents?

                                     KYLE
                              (Ignoring him)
                         Here, Jesus, drink these raw eggs.

                                     JESUS
                         No way, dude.

               Jesus steps into the little ring. Chef is standing there 
               with boxing gloves.

                                     CHEF
                         I can't... I can't hit Jesus Christ. 
                         My mother would never speak to me 
                         again.

                                     STAN
                         But you're his sparring partner, 
                         Chef.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, you have to hit him.

                                     JESUS
                         Satan must be defeated, Chef. Please 
                         help me to train.

                                     CHEF
                         Okay, but I'm just gonna tap you, 
                         alright?

                                     JESUS
                         Give it your best sho --

               SLAM!!!! Chef punches Jesus in the face, and Jesus flies to 
               the canvas.

                                     CHEF
                         Oh, God in Heaven!! What have I 
                         done?!?

                                     JESUS
                         Oof... Anybody get the number of 
                         that truck?

                                    COMMERCIAL BREAK 2

               EXT. CARTMAN'S BACK YARD - DAY

               Cartman's birthday party is an AMAZING event. There are 
               elephants, clowns, mimes, and even a ferris wheel.

               A large Banner reads 'Happy Birthday, Eric!'

               Cartman's mother walks through the huge crowd of kids, 
               carrying an ENORMOUS amount of food.

                                     CARTMAN'S MOM
                         Come on, kiddies! Eat more!

               Cartman is walking tall, wearing a little pointed birthday 
               hat. He greets children as they walk in.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Welcome, Clyde. Please put your 
                         present on the table to your left... 
                         Welcome, Bebe, presents go to your 
                         left... Welcome Chef...

               Chef walks in.

                                     CHEF
                         Yup, here's your present, children. 
                         Well, nice party, see you later.

               Chef starts to walk out.

                                     KYLE
                         Hey, you just got here, Chef!

                                     CHEF
                         I know, but the fight is starting!

                                     STAN
                         But dude, check it out, Cartman's 
                         mom made chili.

               Mrs. Cartman gives Chef a wink.

                                     CHEF
                         Mmmm, that's my favorite kind of 
                         chili.

               EXT. OUTSIDE CARTMAN'S HOUSE - DAY

               Damien and Pip are sitting alone on the curb.

                                     DAMIEN
                         I guess all the kids are at that fat 
                         boy's birthday party.

                                     PIP
                         Yes... It's always such a huge event. 
                         Sometimes I like to sneak up to the 
                         fence and close my eyes, and pretend 
                         I'm there.

                                     DAMIEN
                         The other kids have ALWAYS hated 
                         you?

                                     PIP
                         Oh, yes. Actually, I think they make 
                         fun of the fat boy a lot too, but 
                         now I think they like him because he 
                         picks on me.

               Damien suddenly gets an idea.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK FORUM - DAY

               A good sized place for a boxing match.

               INT. SOUTH PARK FORUM

               The arena is huge. Just like the ring at Ceasar's or MGM.

               Banners and decorative posters are everywhere.

               The place is absolutely packed.

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         In the blue corner, wearing white 
                         trunks, weighing in at a mere one 
                         hundred and forty pounds -- Jesus El 
                         Saviorrrrrrrrrrr CHRIST!!!!

               Everybody cheers.

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         And in the very very black corner, 
                         wearing very very black trunks, the 
                         King of all that is evil, BEEEEEEE 
                         EL ZEBUB!!!!

               The crowd cheers. Jesus shoots them all a dirty look. They 
               stop.

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Ladies & Gentlemen. LLLLLLLLLLLet's 
                         get ready to RUMMMMMBLLLLLE!!!!!

               Jesus and Satan meet in the center of the ring. The little 
               bald ref steps between them.

                                     REF
                         Okay, I want a good, clean fight 
                         guys, no punches below the belt, 
                         holding or miracles.

               The bell rings. Jesus and Satan go to their corners.

               EXT. CARTMAN'S BACK YARD - DAY

               The big birthday party continues. Boys and girls run around 
               and play and laugh.

               Suddenly, Damien and Pip walk in.

                                     CARTMAN
                         HEY! What the hell do you think you're 
                         doing here?!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, YOU aren't invited, new kid!

                                     KYLE
                         And neither are YOU, PIP!

                                     PIP
                         Yes, I tried to tell Damien that we 
                         weren't invited, but --

                                     DAMIEN
                         Wait a minute, give me a chance! I 
                         want to do something special for 
                         your party...

               Just then, Damien touches Pip -- and something incredible 
               happens. Demons come up from the ground and grab onto Pip.

                                     PIP
                         Oh NOOOO!!!!!!

               The demons hoist Pip up into the air. Pip's clothes catch on 
               fire. He screams horrifically.

                                     KYLE
                         Wow!

               Pip's body flies up into the sky and PWOOF!!! An explosion 
               like beautiful fireworks illuminate the party.

               The kids all cheer and applaud.

                                     STAN
                         Wow, that was COOL!!!

                                     KYLE
                         Hey... You're not such a bad guy 
                         after all, Damien!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, come on in and join the party!

               Damien absolutely beams with happiness.

               INT. SOUTH PARK FORUM - DAY

               The bell rings! Jesus and Satan come from their corners.

               Satan immediately throws a punch that connects and knocks 
               Jesus back.

               The crowd all goes wild! Jesus turns and looks at them in 
               disgust. The crowd just as immediately gets quiet.

               Jesus takes another couple of blows to the body. The punches 
               are hard and painful. Jesus looks incredibly sad and scared.

               Now Jesus drops his arms and just let's Satan pound on him.

                                     SATAN
                         Come on you little wuss! FIGHT!!

               Satan dances around.

                                     SATAN
                         Throw a punch!

               EXT. CARTMAN'S BACK YARD - DAY

               Cartman is wearing a little birthday hat on his head and 
               standing at a table opening gifts.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, I wonder what Stan got me for my 
                         birthday... Oh look! A blue Mega-
                         Man!

               Cartman pulls out the toy and smiles.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Thank you, Stan, you may eat pie and 
                         cake and ice cream, now.

               Stan dashes off.

                                     CARTMAN
                         And what did Wendy get me?
                              (Before he even opens 
                              it)
                         Oh, it's The Yellow Mega-Man!

               Now Cartman opens the present and sure enough, The Yellow 
               Mega Man is inside.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Help yourself to pie, cake and ice 
                         cream, Wendy.

               Wendy dashes off.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh! Look what Kyle got me! it's a 
                         Red Mega --
                              (Opening the gift)
                         Ants in the Pants?!

               Cartman pulls out the game.

                                     CARTMAN
                         ANTS IN THE PANTS?! ANTS IN THE 
                         PANTS?!

                                     KYLE
                         It's a game, dude. It's really fun.

                                     CARTMAN
                         YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!!

               Cartman tackles Kyle and knocks him to the ground.

                                     KYLE
                         AAGHGH!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GET ME THE RED 
                         MEGA MAN!!! NOW I CAN'T MAKE ULTRA 
                         MEGA-MEGA MAN!! YOU DIRTY CHEAP ASS 
                         PIECE OF CRAP!!!

               Cartman slugs Kyle repeatedly.

                                     KYLE
                         THEY WERE ALL OUT OF 'EM, DUDE!!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I HATE YOU!!! I WANT YOU TO DIE!!!! 
                         DIE!!!!!!!!!

               Cartman suddenly gets up and yells to everybody.

                                     CARTMAN
                         THAT'S IT!! PARTY IS OVER!!! EVERYBODY 
                         GO HOME!!!

               The kids all look stunned. Cartman walks over to a HUGE switch 
               and pulls it down. Immediately the entire party shuts down -- 
               The ferris wheel stops, the lights go off and all the music 
               stops.

                                     CARTMAN
                         GET THE HELL OUT I SAID!! PARTY'S 
                         OVER!!! GET OUT GODAMNIT!!

               The kids all start to file out.

                                     STAN
                              (Walking out)
                         Whoa dude, you need to mellow out.

               Cartman throws the box at Kyle.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Take you stupid ants in the pants 
                         with you!!!

               EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE

               All the kids are gathered outside, in shock.

                                     DAMIEN
                         Wow, that kid has some real emotional 
                         problems.

                                     STAN
                         Aw, he does this all the time.

               Chef starts running down the street.

                                     CHEF
                         Come on, children!! We can still 
                         catch the end of the fight!!!

               Pip drops out of the sky.

                                     PIP
                         Oh, what a splendid party.

               INT. SOUTH PARK FORUM - DAY

               Jesus is still getting his ass kicked by Satan. Satan is 
               dancing around, landing blows. Jesus still won't fight.

               Jesus takes a smack to the face.

                                     SATAN
                         Fight Dammit!

                                   COMMERCIAL BREAK #3

               The boys run up to Jesus' corner.

                                     STAN
                         Dude, Jesus is getting his butt 
                         kicked!

               Just then, the bell rings. Jesus returns to his corner and 
               plops down in his seat.

                                     STAN
                         You've got to FIGHT, Jesus!

                                     JESUS
                         Why? What's the point? No one believes 
                         in me. Everyone put their money on 
                         Satan... My Father forsaked me... 
                         The Town forsaked me... I'm completely 
                         forsook.

                                     KYLE
                         SOMEBODY bet on you, Jesus. You said 
                         yourself that one person still has 
                         money on you.

                                     JESUS
                         It doesn't matter. He's way to strong 
                         for me anyway. I give up.

               Stan gets in Jesus' face and starts yelling.

                                     STAN
                         GOD DAMMIT, JESUS SNAP OUT OF IT!!!

               Jesus looks surprised.

                                     STAN
                         What would Nancy Karrigan do?! HUH?! 
                         Nancy Karrigan wouldn't give up!! 
                         When things were looking their darkest 
                         Nancy Karrigan fought to be the BEST!!

               Kyle looks confused.

                                     STAN
                         She wouldn't stop until she was NUMBER 
                         ONE!!!

                                     KYLE
                         Uh... Stan...

                                     STAN
                         Nancy Karrigan wouldn't settle for 
                         second best!!

                                     KYLE
                         Stan...

                                     STAN
                         She wouldn't quit until she brought 
                         home the gold!!

                                     KYLE
                         Stan!!

                                     STAN
                         What?!

                                     KYLE
                         Nancy Karrigan got the silver, dude. 
                         She came in second.

               Stan thinks for a long time.

                                     STAN
                         Really?

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, dude.

                                     STAN
                         Oh... Never mind Jesus, Nancy Karrigan 
                         sucks.

               The snapping sounds means it's almost time to go back into 
               the ring. Jesus drinks some water and spits it out.

               Now Stan gets right in Jesus' face.

                                     STAN
                         You know... Somebody once said 'Don't 
                         try to be a great man, just be a 
                         man'.

               Jesus thinks for a while.

                                     JESUS
                         Who said that?

                                     STAN
                         YOU did Jesus.

               Stan puts his hand on Jesus' shoulder. MUSIC swells up. Jesus 
               gives a little smile and nods.

                                     JESUS
                         You're right, Stan.

               Just then the bell rings.

                                     JESUS
                         Thank you, boys.

               Jesus steps into the ring.

                                     KYLE
                         Wow, did he say that in the bible?

                                     STAN
                         No, I saw it on Star Trek.

                                     KYLE
                         Hmmn.

               Jesus and Satan meet in the ring.

               Satan takes a couple of shots, Jesus ducks, and the punches 
               miss.

                                     SATAN
                         Come on you SISSY! Hit me! Hit me!

                                     JESUS
                         Okay, pal, YOU ASKED FOR IT!!

               Jesus winds up his arm. Stan and Kyle watch intensely. The 
               Townspeople's eyes get wide...

               Finally, Jesus delivers the blow -- He hits Satan EXTREMELY 
               SOFTLY in the arm. Satan doesn't even flinch.

               Stan and Kyle roll their eyes.

               But suddenly, Satan grabs his arm --

                                     SATAN
                         AAAGHH!! YOU GOT ME!!!

               Satan falls to the canvas, eyes closed.

                                     REF
                         ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!

               The Townspeople are in shock.

                                     JIMBO
                         No way! He barely touched him!

                                     REF
                         FIVE! SIX! SEVEN! EIGHT!

               Satan opens one eye, but doesn't move from the canvas, a 
               little smile crosses his face.

                                     REF
                         NINE! TEN! YOU'RE OUT!!!

               The bell rings over and over. Jesus throws his hands in the 
               air and jumps up and down.

                                     STAN AND KYLE
                         OUR SAVIOR!!!!

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         The winner by knockout and still 
                         undisputed ruler of your spiritual 
                         kingdom. Jesus Elllllll Saaaavior 
                         Christ.

               Just then, Satan gets up, looking just fine.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Hey! He isn't hurt! He took a dive! 
                         He threw the fight!

                                     JIMBO
                         Yeah.

                                     SATAN
                         Fools!! You are all fools! Of course 
                         I took a dive! Don't you see -- who 
                         do you think was the ONE PERSON that 
                         bet on Jesus to win?

               The townspeople all think.

                                     SATAN
                         ME you idiots!! And now I will take 
                         all your hard earned money and return 
                         to hell a MUCH RICHER Prince of 
                         Darkness and buy some real estate! 
                         Ha HA HA!!!

               Satan dances out of the ring.

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         I don't believe this!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Yeah, what a mean thing to do!

                                     SATAN
                         Farewell fools!!

                                     JIMBO
                         Man... That guy is a JERK!!

               Satan disappears into the ground.

                                     STAN
                         Jesus TOLD you guys not to bet on 
                         Satan!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Boy, did we get screwed.

                                     CHEF
                         Jesus, we're sorry... Can you ever 
                         forgive us?

               Jesus thinks.

                                     JESUS
                         Aw, heck, do I have a choice?

                                     JIMBO
                         Well Jesus, I definitely learned MY 
                         lesson. Never bet on evil, because 
                         when you do -- Ned, look! That's a 
                         rare duck billed platypus! It's comin' 
                         right for us!!!

               Jimbo pulls out a gun and blows Kenny's head off.

                                     STAN
                         OH MY GOD!! THEY KILLED KENNY!!!!

                                     KYLE
                         You bastard!!!

                                     DAMIEN
                         Well, goodbye guys, it was nice 
                         getting to know you.

                                     STAN
                         You're leaving already?

                                     DAMIEN
                         I have to. My dad's always on the 
                         move.

               Damien hangs his head and walks away.

                                     STAN
                         Wow... I feel kinda bad for that 
                         kid.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, just when he was being accepted 
                         he has to leave and start over.

                                     STAN
                         Parents can be so cruel. Don't they 
                         realize that what a child needs more 
                         than anything is security?

               EXT. CARTMAN'S BACK YARD - DAY

               Cartman is sitting at a table by himself surrounded by half 
               eaten cakes, pies, and all kinds of other crap. Food is all 
               over the place.

               Cartman's face is covered with food, his eyes are half closed. 
               It looks like a food war has been fought, but actually Cartman 
               has just gorged himself.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         More pie, hon?

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Weakly)
                         No... more... pie...

                                         THE END

Damien



Writers :   Matt Stone  Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


User Comments







Index    |    Submit    |    Links    |    Link to us    |    RSS Feeds    |    Disclaimer    |    Privacy policy