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                                        SOUTH PARK

                                       Episode 106

                                         "DEATH"

                                            by

                                 Matt Stone & Trey Parker

                

                                          ACT I

               INT. STANíS HOUSE - DINING ROOM - NIGHT

               Stan's Family (Father, sister and Grandfather) are seated at 
               a table. Mother walks up holding a birthday cake with a 
               ridiculous number of number of candles.

                                     STAN & FAMILY
                         Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday 
                         to you! Happy birthday dear grandpa!

               Grandpa drools a little from his wheelchair.

                                     STAN & FAMILY
                         Happy birthday to you!

                                     STAN'S MOTHER
                         Now blow out the candles grandpa!

               Grandpa manages the smallest wheeze, which doesn't even make 
               the flames of the candles flicker.

               Stan's family members all applaud.

                                     STAN'S FATHER
                         How does it feel to be a hundred and 
                         two, paps?

                                     GRANDPA
                         Shoot me.

                                     STAN'S MOM
                         Make a wish grandpa!

                                     GRANDPA
                         I wish I were dead.

                                     FATHER
                         Ha, ha! That's our silly grandpa!

                                     GRANDPA
                         I'm not being silly! Kill me! I'd do 
                         it myself, but I'm too damn old!

                                     STAN'S MOM
                         Oh, who wants ice cream with their 
                         cake?

                                     STAN
                         I will.

                                     FATHER
                         Me.

               Stan looks up and the clock and gasps.

                                     STAN
                         It's eight o'clock! My favorite T.V. 
                         show is on!

                                     SHELLEY
                         That show's for babies, it's so 
                         stupid!

                                     STAN
                         Can I eat my cake in the living room, 
                         mom? Please? Can I?

                                     STAN'S MOM
                         Oh, alright. But take your grandpy 
                         with you.

                                     STAN
                         Aw, dammit.

                                     STAN'S MOM
                         Language!

               INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

               Stan is sitting on the couch watching television and eating 
               cake.

                                     NARRATOR
                         And now back to Terrance and Phillip!

               ANGLE - TELEVISION

               Two average looking teens (animated in a slightly different 
               style) are sitting on a couch.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Hey Terrance, I think I have to fart.

               Stan laughs.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Wait! before you do, Pull my thumb.

               Phillip pulls Terrance's thumb. Terrance FARTS loudly.

               The laugh track laughs. Stan laughs.

               PAN OVER to reveal grandpa, who is trying to point a shotgun 
               at his head.

               Grandpa pulls the trigger -- BLAM!! He misses, blowing a 
               picture of the wall.

                                     GRANDPA
                         Aw Dammit!!

               Grandpa looks at Stan.

                                     GRANDPA
                         How would you like to make a dollar, 
                         Billy?

                                     STAN
                         My name's not Billy, grandpa, it's 
                         Stan.

                                     GRANDPA
                         Dammit, Billy! Do you want a dollar 
                         or don't ya?!

                                     STAN
                         Sure.

                                     GRANDPA
                         Okay, you just have to do one thing 
                         for me...

                                     STAN
                         I'm not going to kill you, grandpa.

                                     GRANDPA
                         WHY NOT?!

                                     STAN
                         'Cause! I'll get in trouble!

                                     GRANDPA
                         I killed my grandpa when I was your 
                         age!

                                     STAN
                         Leave me alone, grandpa.

                                     GRANDPA
                         What has America's youth come to?! 
                         Kids won't even kill their own 
                         grandparents!!

               INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

               Kyle is sitting in front of the T.V. watching the same T.V. 
               show.

               ANGLE - TELEVISION

                                     PHILLIP
                         Hey Terrance, now that you've farted, 
                         I think I might fart too!

               Phillip leans over and rips a big one. The laugh track laughs.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Ooh! You farted!

               The laugh track laughs again.

               Kyle laughs painfully. He holds his stomach. Just then, Kyle's 
               mother walks in.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Kyle boopie, What are you watching?

               But Kyle is laughing too hard to speak. His mother looks at 
               the television.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Hey Phillip, would you like a flower?

                                     PHILLIP
                         I sure would Terrance.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Alrighty then, here's a Tulip PUUU!! 
                         Terrance farts.

               RESUME - KYLE AND MOTHER

               Kyle is rolling around on the floor laughing wildly.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         What is this? It's horrible!

                                     KYLE
                              (Collecting himself)
                         Dude, it's 'Terrance and Phillip'.

               ANGLE - TELEVISION

                                     PHILLIP
                         Take that you stupid dick!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         WHAT did he say?!

                                     TERRANCE
                         You're an asshole, Phillip!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         What-what-WHAAAATT?

               Kyle's mom snaps the T.V. off.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Young man, you are not to watch that 
                         show anymore! It's immature toilet 
                         humor!

                                     KYLE
                         But EVERYBODY watches Terrance & 
                         Phillip!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh, really, is that SO?!

               INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE

               Cartman is on the couch eating cheesy poofs and watching 
               television.

               ANGLE - TELEVISION

               Terrance and Phillip are floating out in space.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Oh no, Phillip! looks like you're 
                         about to fart!

                                     PHILLIP
                         You're exactly right, Terrance!!

               A huge FART sound. Cartman laughs wildly.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Sweet!

                                     CARTMAN'S MOM
                         Eric dear, I just got a call from 
                         your friend Kyle's mother. She said 
                         that this show is naughty, and might 
                         make you a potty mouth.

                                     CARTMAN
                         That's a bunch of crap. Kyle's mom 
                         is a dirty jew.

                                     CARTMAN'S MOM
                         Oh, okay hon.

               INT. STAN'S HOUSE

               Stan walks up to his bedroom door and looks at his list of 
               chores. 'Take Out Trash' followed by 'Feed Sparky' then 'clean 
               up room' and then, sloppily scribbled in crayon, 'Kill 
               Grandpa'.

               Stan looks confused, then realizes that grandpa is down the 
               hall.

                                     STAN
                         I'm not going to kill you, grandpa!

               Grandpa appears in the background.

                                     GRANDPA
                         Ingrate!

                                     STAN
                         G'night grandpa.

               Stan goes into his room.

                                     GRANDPA
                         You pompous son of a whore!

               INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

               The kids are filing into their desks.

               Kyle gets into his desk, and immediately gets slugged in the 
               head by Cartman.

                                     KYLE
                         OW! What the hell was that for?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         That's for your stupid mother! She 
                         made me miss Terrance and Phillip 
                         last night!

                                     CLYDE
                         Yeah, what's the big idea having 
                         your mom call all our moms last night?

                                     KYLE
                         Well, I didn't have her do it, she 
                         did it on her own!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Why does this happen every month? It 
                         seems like right about the same time 
                         every month Kyle's mom gets a hair 
                         up her ass about something -- and I 
                         always end up getting screwed by it!

               Mr. Garrison steps in front of the class.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Children, children, a certain 
                         student's mother called me last 
                         night...

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh gee, I wonder whose mother THAT 
                         could have been!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         She informed me that some of you 
                         might be watching a naughty show 
                         called 'Terrance and Phillip'.

               The whole class smiles and cheers.

                                     CLASS
                         YEAH!

                                     MR. HAT
                         Watching that show is bad, Mr. 
                         Garrison.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         That's right, Mr. Hat, shows like 
                         Terrance and Phillip are what we 
                         call 'toilet humor'. They don't expand 
                         your minds.

               The kids blink.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         You see, children, these kind of 
                         shows are senseless, vile trash.

               Kenny walks in.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Kenny, why are you late to class?

               Kenny says nothing, but just hands Mr. Garrison a note.

               ANGLE - NOTE

               'Please excuse me from being late. I have explosive diarrhea'.

               RESUME - GARRISON

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh. Okay, Kenny. Be seated.

               Kenny walks to his desk.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Now, as I was saying, the reason 
                         that parents of South Park are so 
                         upset is because you -- yes Kenny, 
                         what is it?

               Kenny has his hand raised.

                                     KENNY
                         Mph rmph rm.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I thought you just came from the 
                         bathroom.

                                     KENNY
                         Mph rm rmph rm mph mph rm rm mm.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh okay, okay, go ahead.

               Kenny walks into a little bathroom.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         As I was saying, you all seem to 
                         enjoy this show, even though it isn't 
                         based in reality. There is much more 
                         to life than two young men farting 
                         on each other.

               Suddenly, we HEAR the sounds of splashing water and explosive 
               diarrhea.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         And throughout history there have 
                         always been shows that have come and 
                         gone that have been very bad. Usually 
                         they get taken right off the air. 
                         You see you should be spending your 
                         time enlightening your mind with 
                         more intelligent entertainment.

               Kenny walks out of the bathroom and takes his seat again.

                                     STAN
                         Whew! Smells like you slaughtered a 
                         cow in there, Kenny!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Pay attention, children! I'm going 
                         to join your parents in requesting 
                         that you don't watch Terrance and 
                         Phillip anymore, ever.

                                     CARTMAN
                         WHAT?!

                                     CLYDE
                         Not watch Terrance and Phillip EVER?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         That's right, children, are there 
                         any questions?
                              (Pause)
                         Yes, Stanly?

                                     STAN
                         Is it okay to kill somebody if they 
                         want you to?

               Garrison is taken aback.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         What do you mean?

               STAN

               The whole class sits and thinks.

                                     STAN
                         My grandpa keeps asking that I kill 
                         him all the time, and sometimes I 
                         wonder if I should.

                                     KYLE
                         Well then you should. I think that a 
                         person has a right to die if they 
                         wanna.

                                     STAN
                         Really?

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, there's this guy named Jack 
                         Laborkian that goes around and murders 
                         people that ask him to, and he doesn't 
                         get in trouble at all.

                                     STAN
                         Wow.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey! Maybe we could get him to kill 
                         Kyle's mom!

                                     STAN
                         So IS it okay to assist somebody 
                         with suicide, Mr. Garrison?

               Mr. Garrison thinks.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Uh, Stan... I'm not touching that 
                         one with a twenty foot pole.

               Stan looks bummed.

                                     KENNY
                         Mph mph mph!!!

               Kenny dashes to the bathroom, slams the door, and let's go 
               of horrible, explosive diarrhea.

                                   COMMERCIAL BREAK #1

               INT. CAFETERIA - DAY

               The boys are in line for lunch.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Man, I can't believe we're gonna 
                         miss Terrance and Phillip today! I 
                         think I'm already having withdrawal!

               Cartman starts shaking and quivering uncontrollably.

                                     STAN
                         Don't worry, dude. We can all go 
                         watch it at my house! My parents 
                         don't get home until late.

                                     KYLE
                         But won't your grandpa be there?

                                     STAN
                         Yeah...

                                     CARTMAN
                         Just kill him, dude, maybe he'll 
                         give you some money.

                                     CHEF
                         Hello there, children!

                                     STAN
                         Hey Chef.

                                     CHEF
                         How's it going?

                                     STAN
                         Bad.

                                     CHEF
                         Why bad?

                                     STAN
                         Chef, Is it okay to kill your grandpa?

                                     CHEF
                         You can't kill my grandpa, Stan, 
                         he's already passed on.

                                     STAN
                         No I mean kill MY grandpa.

                                     CHEF
                         No I don't think that's okay, Stan. 
                         In fact I think that's illegal.

                                     STAN
                         See, I told you, dude.

                                     KYLE
                         Well yeah, but what if the grandpa 
                         wants to die, 'cause he's really 
                         old, and he's just asking for help?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, like assisted suicide, what 
                         about that?

               Chef thinks again.

                                     CHEF
                         I don't want to touch that with a 
                         forty-foot pole.

               Chef runs away.

               They boys just sit there and blink.

                                     STAN
                         What's the big deal? Why won't anybody 
                         talk about this?

               INT. PTA MEETING - DAY

               A large group of parents have gathered in a small meeting 
               hall. Kyle's mother is at the head of the group, speaking at 
               a podium.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         ...and I myself was not aware of 
                         this outrageous, horrible show until 
                         recently. I have a clip of this show 
                         to demonstrate exactly what I mean.

               Kyle's mom hits a button of a remote. A video image of 
               Terrance and Phillip starts.

               ANGLE - TELEVISION SCREEN

                                     TERRANCE
                         Hey, Phillip, guess what?

                                     PHILLIP
                         What?

               FARRRRRRT...

               The clip ends.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Now, apparently that's supposed to 
                         be FUNNY.

               Laughing is heard from the back of the room. CUT TO Stan's 
               Father, who is giggling to himself.

                                     STAN'S DAD
                         Ha, ha... He farted right on his 
                         head!

               The other parents look at Stan's dad, disgusted.

               Kyle's mom sighs.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Not allowing our kids to watch this 
                         show is not enough. We need to BOYCOTT 
                         THE ENTIRE NETWORK!! ALL THOSE IN 
                         FAVOR?!

               Hands bolt up into the air.

               Suddenly, violent poo sounds emerge from the toilet.

               Mr. Garrison steps out.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Ooh, I think I've caught a touch of 
                         flu from little Kenny this morning. 
                         I've got the green apple splatters.

               Some of the men in the audience laugh.

               INT. STAN'S HOUSE

               Stan walks in the door followed by the other boys.

               Grandpa is sitting in his wheelchair trying to stick a fork 
               into a light socket.

                                     STAN
                         Hi, Grandpa. I brought my friends 
                         over to watch T.V. if that's okay.

                                     GRANDPA
                         Billy, help grandpa stick this fork 
                         in the outlet.

                                     STAN
                         No Grandpa, I'll get in trouble!

                                     GRANDPA
                         Kill me God damnit!

                                     STAN
                         No! I can't even kill a deer!

                                     GRANDPA
                         Well then have one of your little 
                         friends do it!!
                              (To Cartman)
                         You can kill me, can't you?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I would never kill somebody -- not 
                         unless they pissed me off.

                                     GRANDPA
                         Oh, is that a fact? Well, let me 
                         tell you something, Porky, your mom 
                         was over here earlier and I humped 
                         her like a little bitch.

                                     CARTMAN
                         WHAT?!

                                     GRANDPA
                         That's right.

                                     STAN
                         GRANDPA!!

                                     GRANDPA
                         And then I dug up your great grandma's 
                         skeleton and had my way with her 
                         too! Choice piece of ass, your great 
                         grandma!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         HEY! YOU PIECE OF CRAP! I'LL KILL 
                         YOU!!

                                     GRANDPA
                         That's the spirit, Tubby!!

                                     STAN
                         Come on, Cartman, he's just trying 
                         to get to you!

               Stan grabs Cartman and pulls him away.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Don't talk about my mom like that!!

                                     STAN
                         We can go watch Terrance and Phillip 
                         in the kitchen.

                                     GRANDPA
                              (Calling after him)
                         I ever tell you 'bout the time I 
                         boofed your dad, fatso?

               INT. STAN'S HOUSE - KITCHEN

               The boys are standing next to a small T.V. set and a phone. 
               Cartman is still fuming.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I can't believe that son of a bitch!

                                     STAN
                         Here, Cartman, have some snacky cakes.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Suddenly fine)
                         Ooh, snacky cakes? Good deal...

               Cartman starts to gorge himself.

                                     STAN
                         I don't know what to do, dude. My 
                         Grandpa really wants to die.

                                     KYLE
                         I'm telling you, it's okay. Maybe 
                         you should ask the Lord for guidance.

                                     STAN
                         Hey yeah, good idea.

               Stan picks up the phone.

               INT. JESUS AND PALS SET

                                     NARRATOR
                         And now back to 'Jesus and Pals' on 
                         South Park Public Access.

                                     JESUS
                         Yea, believe in me and ye shall find 
                         peace. ...First caller, you're on 
                         Jesus and Pals.

                                     VOICE
                         Yeah, is this Jesus?

                                     JESUS
                         Yes, caller, you need to turn your 
                         T.V. down, that's why you're getting 
                         that weird feedback.

                                     VOICE
                         Oh sorry... Uh, this is Mar --

                                     JESUS
                         Martin from Aspen Park, yes I know.

                                     VOICE
                         ...How the hell did you know that?

                                     JESUS
                         Well, maybe because I'm the son of 
                         God, brainiac, now do you have a 
                         question?

                                     VOICE
                         Oh yeah, uh, I have this cousin who 
                         cheated on the SAT's to --

                                     JESUS
                         Tell little Gregory that cheating is 
                         lying and lying is wrong, no matter 
                         what the circumstance.

                                     VOICE
                         Oh, Okay, thanks for the advice, 
                         Jesus.

                                     JESUS
                         Next caller, you're on the air.

                                     STAN
                         Jesus?

                                     JESUS
                         Yes my son.

                                     STAN
                         Jesus, is it okay to kill somebody 
                         if they ask you to because they're 
                         in a lot of pain? You know, like 
                         assisted suicide. Is that okay?

                                     JESUS
                         My son...

                                     STAN
                         Yes?

                                     JESUS
                         I'm not touching that with a sixty 
                         foot pole.

               Jesus QUICKLY reaches over and switches phone lines.

                                     JESUS
                         Next caller --

               INT. STAN'S HOUSE

                                     STAN
                         GOD DAMMIT!!

                                     JESUS
                         I heard that.

                                     STAN
                         What the hell is wrong with 
                         everybody?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey you guys! 'Terrance and Phillip' 
                         is on!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah!

               Stan starts to change the channel.

                                     KYLE
                         Hey, do you think we'll get in trouble 
                         for watching it?

                                     STAN
                         Kyle, don't be a butthole!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, just 'cause your mom is a stupid 
                         bitch doesn't mean the whole world 
                         has to suffer.

                                     KYLE
                         Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, Bitch... your mom is a Bitcha 
                         Bitcha Bitch...

               ANGLE - TELEVISION

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         And now back to Terrance & Phillip.

               The two very plain looking teens are sitting on a couch.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Hey Philip, would you like to eat 
                         some beans?

                                     PHILLIP
                         Oh yeah! I love beans!

               RESUME - KITCHEN

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Laughing)
                         Oh oh... I bet I know what's coming!

               Grandpa wheels himself in and nonchalantly hands Stan a piece 
               of rope.

                                     GRANDPA
                         Billy, would you mind holding this 
                         for grandpa, please?

               Stan doesn't take his eyes off the T.V.

                                     STAN
                         Okay, grandpa, okay. Just get out of 
                         the way of the T.V.

               Stan takes the rope. Grandpa heads to the background.

               ANGLE - TELEVISION

                                     TERRANCE
                         Hey Phillip, it looks like those 
                         beans might make me fart!

                                     PHILLIP
                         Well, don't fart on me, Terrance!

               RESUME - LIVING ROOM

               The boys all laugh merrily. Meanwhile, Grandpa is doing 
               something odd in the background.

               He is throwing the other end of the rope around a crossbeam.

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, he's gonna fart on his head 
                         again!!

               Suddenly, Kenny jumps up and rushes to the bathroom. We HEAR 
               a door SLAM and then the sounds of splashing water and 
               explosive diarrhea.

                                     KENNY
                         Mmmf Mrph mamm Mrmmm!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, you're gonna miss it, Kenny!

               A fart sound comes from the T.V. The boys all break out 
               laughing hysterically.

                                     PHILLIP
                         You're such an ASSHOLE Terrance!!

                                     TERRANCE
                         Ha Ha charade I am.

               The boys laugh even harder.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hurry up, Kenny! You're gonna miss 
                         the fart!!

               Just then, Shelley walks in!

                                     SHELLEY
                         JESUS CHRIST! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU 
                         DOING?!?!

               Stan jumps up and stands in front of the T.V.

                                     STAN
                         We're not watching Terrance and 
                         Phillip, I swear! I mean... CARTMAN 
                         was watching it.

                                     SHELLEY
                         No, I mean what the HELL ARE YOU 
                         DOING TO GRANDPA?!

               Stan looks down at the rope in his hand, then follows it up 
               over a crossbeam, and finally sees grandpa at the other end, 
               hanging by the neck.

                                     GRANDPA
                              (Choking)
                         Tug... a... little... harder... 
                         Billy...

                                     STAN
                         AGH!

               Stan lets go of the rope and grandpa crashes to the ground.

                                     SHELLEY
                         You little jerk, you were trying to 
                         kill grandpa!! I'm telling mom!!

                                     GRANDPA
                              (Coughing)
                         Dammit, I was so close!

               INT. NEWSROOM - DAY

                                     REPORTER
                         Four third graders from South Park, 
                         Colorado were found trying to 
                         viciously murder an innocent, 
                         grandfather.

               INT. STUDIO - DAY

               The boys are on some kind of talk show.

                                     REPORTER
                         Boys, how did you get driven so far 
                         to the edge? What changed you into 
                         such demonic little bastards?

                                     STAN
                         We didn't know what we were doing. 
                         We were just sitting there watching 
                         'Terrance and Phillip' and --

                                     REPORTER
                         Terrance and Phillip!! Ah HA!!! SO 
                         it IS that show that is to blame!

               EXT. SOUTH PARK

               Kyle's mother is standing in front of the town with yet 
               another reporter.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         These boys' minds have been tainted 
                         by the garbage on television that 
                         they see, and we are FED UP!

               A random TOWNSPERSON holds his stomach and runs into a 
               bathroom where thundering shit sounds emerge.

               Garrison runs up to the bathroom door and pounds on it.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         We have to stop this smut from going 
                         on the air! We will march to the 
                         network and PROTEST UNTIL OUR DEMANDS 
                         ARE MET!! NEW YORK, HERE WE COME!!!

               The parents all cheer.

                                   COMMERCIAL BREAK #2

                                          ACT II

               EXT. NEW YORK

               Establishing shot of the filthy, violent, rancid city that 
               is New York.

               EXT. CARTOON CENTRAL - DAY

               Within the city, a mob is gathered out front of the towering 
               skyscraper of Cartoon Central. Kyle's mother stands in front 
               of the crowd with a bullhorn, addressing the crowd.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         We are spreading the word to this 
                         establishment -- That we DEMAND better 
                         television for our children!

               The people cheer.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         We want more QUALITY television like 
                         'Full House'!!

               Several of the South Park residents, however, are waiting in 
               line for one of the two port-o-pottys.

                                     STAN'S FATHER
                         Ooh, I think you gave me the stomach 
                         flu, Mr. Garrison.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         No, no, it was that little Kenny 
                         bastard that gave it to me.

               Mayor McDaniels steps out.

                                     STAN'S DAD
                         Whoa, Mayor, you making gravy in 
                         there?

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         I just had a brown baby boy!

               They all laugh, in spite of themselves.

               INT. STAN'S HOUSE

               The boys are running around the house like crazy. Garbage 
               and food is everywhere.

                                     KYLE
                         Dude! This is SWEET not having any 
                         parents around!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah! I hope they protest T.V. shows 
                         forever!

               The boys start jumping up and down on the sofa.

                                     STAN
                         WHOOPEE!!!!

                                     GRANDPA
                         Come here, Billy, I want to show you 
                         something...

                                     STAN
                         Aw, do I have to?

                                     GRANDPA
                         Yes you do you little pecker!

               Stan sighs and follows his grandfather.

                                     GRANDPA
                         I realized that the reason you won't 
                         kill me, is because you don't 
                         understand how I feel, Billy.

               They walk to one of the bedroom doors.

                                     GRANDPA
                         But I found out a way to show YOU 
                         what it feels like to be grandpa.

               INT. STAN'S HOUSE - GUEST BEDROOM

               Grandpa leads Stan into a little bedroom and closes the door, 
               locking both himself and Stan inside.

                                     STAN
                         Hey, what are you doing?

               Grandpa hits a switch, and the lights in the room go out.

               Stan tries to look around the dark room.

               Grandpa reaches down and puts a tape into a tape player.

               EXT. STAN'S HOUSE - HALLWAY

               The other boys have their ears pinned against the door.

                                     KYLE
                         What are they doing in there?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't know...

               INT. STAN'S HOUSE - GUEST BEDROOM

                                     GRANDPA
                         Now, you're about to see what it's 
                         like to be as old as me. Are you 
                         ready Billy?

                                     STAN
                         I guess.

               Grandpa flips the switch on the tape player. A slow ENYA 
               Song begins to play.

                                     ENYA
                              (Singing)
                         Take a look, take a look...

               As the song continues, Stan is forced to just sit in the 
               dark room and listen to it.

               Finally, Stan grabs the doorknob, but its locked.

                                     STAN
                         Okay, you can let me out now.

                                     GRANDPA
                         Not just yet.

               Grandpa turns the song up louder. Stan pulls on the door.

                                     STAN
                         LET ME OUT, GRANDPA!!

               The song gets even louder still.

                                     STAN
                         I can't take it anymore! This music 
                         is terrible!! It's cheesy but lame 
                         and eerily soothing at the same time!!

                                     GRANDPA
                         THAT'S IT!!!! NOW YOU KNOW WHAT IT 
                         FEELS LIKE TO BE GRANDPA!!!!

               EXT. STAN'S HOUSE - HALLWAY

               Grandpa opens the door. Stan falls out, looking terrible and 
               beaten.

               Grandpa flips off the Enya music, and goes over to Stan.

                                     STAN
                         Grandpa... I... I had no idea how 
                         bad it was for you... Now I 
                         understand...

                                     GRANDPA
                         So now will you kill me, Billy?

                                     STAN
                         Sure I will grandpa... I will.

               EXT. TOON CENTRAL

               The people of South Park are still gathered around South 
               Park, only now, they have chained themselves to the building.

                                     STAN'S MOM
                         It doesn't look like our protest is 
                         working.

                                     KYLE'S MOM
                         It'll work... It has to...

               Suddenly, a well dressed businessman emerges from the doors 
               of the building.

                                     KYLE'S MOM (CONT'D)
                         Look! It's the president of the 
                         network!!

                                     JOHN WARSOG
                         Ladies and gentlemen, my name is 
                         John Warsog. I have prepared a 
                         statement for you on behalf of the 
                         network...

               The people all stand up. Warsog puts on glasses and pulls a 
               piece of paper out of his pocket.

               He clears his throat, and unfolds the piece of paper.

               Finally he begins to read.

                                     JOHN WARSOG
                         'Fuck you.'

               John folds the piece of paper and puts it back into his 
               pocket. He takes off his glasses.

                                     JOHN WARSOG
                         Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. If 
                         there are any questions, you may 
                         direct them to that brick wall over 
                         there.

               John walks back into the building. Kyle's mother is furious.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         HEY, YOU WILL NOT GET AWAY WITH 
                         THIS!!!

               John pauses to pull down his pants and moon the crowd, then 
               continues on into the building.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         THAT DOES IT! NO MORE MR. NICE 
                         PROTESTERS! It's time for PLAN B!

                                     CARTMAN'S MOM
                         Oh Carol, where are the port-o-
                         potties?

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Over there hon. What, you need to 
                         drop some friends off at the pool?

                                     CARTMAN'S MOM
                         Oh yes indeedy!

               The two women laugh, in spite of themselves.

               Cartman's mom runs to the toilet, slams the door, and shits 
               up a storm.

               EXT. FOREST CLEARING - NIGHT

               Grandpa is sitting below a large tree.

                                     STAN
                         Okay, grandpa, all you have to do is 
                         sit there. We'll do the rest. You 
                         got the cow all tied up?

               Kyle finishes putting a rope around a scared cow's waist.

                                     KYLE
                         Yep, all done.

                                     STAN
                         Kay, come on, guys.

               The boys all grab the rope, and start to hoist the cow up, 
               using a branch above grandpa's head as a pully.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Why don't we just shoot him?

                                     STAN
                         You dumbass, Cartman! It has to look 
                         natural, or else we'll all get busted.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, stupid.

               The boys pull on the rope and the cow gets hoisted up over 
               grandpa.

                                     GRANDPA
                         That's good, Billy... A little higher 
                         now...

               The cow dangles in the air. The boys wrap their end of the 
               rope around the base of another tree.

               EXT. TOON CENTRAL - NIGHT

               Kyle's mother walks up to the news cameras and the 
               microphones.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         The network isn't taking us seriously. 
                         In the past, people have had to die 
                         for what they believed in, and we 
                         are prepared to do the same. Ready?

               The people near the sling shot all nod.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Mr. McKormick, you shall be a martyr 
                         to us all. God speed.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         WE WILL NOT LET THESE CORPORATE 
                         HALFWITS RUIN OUR CHILDREN'S MINDS!! 
                         LAUNCH!!!

               The sling shot is cut, Mr. McKormick goes flying into the 
               air and hits SPLAT!! into the side of the Toon Central 
               building, dying instantly.

               The news people all gasp.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         We will all follow suit! One by one 
                         if that's what it takes!!

               The line to the port-o-potties is getting longer. People 
               moan with stomach aches.

               EXT. FOREST CLEARING - NIGHT

               The cow dangles dangerously above grandpa. The other end of 
               the rope is tied around a tree.

               Stan holds a knife in his hand, ready to cut the rope, and 
               send the cow on top of his grandfather.

                                     STAN
                         Are you ready grandpa?

                                     GRANDPA
                         Does the Pope crap in the woods?

               Stan is about to cut the rope when suddenly, a light flashes!

               The boys all look over at the road, where Officer Barbrady 
               has pulled up in his patrol car.

               Barbrady studies the scene from his car, he looks at the 
               cow, the grandpa below it, Stan with the knife in his hand...

               The boys' eyes all grow wide.

               A long time passes.

                                     BARBRADY
                         ...Carry on.

               Barbrady drives away. The boys all sigh.

                                     STAN
                         Okay, here we go... Bye Grandpa, it 
                         was nice knowing you.

                                     GRANDPA
                         Cut the damn rope already!

               But now another FLASH!! This one is HUGE. The boys all reel 
               back from its glow.

                                     KYLE
                         Whoa, what is that?!

               When the smoke clears, the boys see a tall figure, dressed 
               in black and carrying a sythe.

                                     STAN
                         Whoa... It looks like... death!

                                     GRANDPA
                         It's about time you late ass lazy 
                         son of a whore!

               Death looks down at Grandpa.

                                     GRANDPA
                         Come on! Let's go!

               But death walks past grandpa and heads towards the boys.

                                     GRANDPA
                         What the --

                                     STAN
                         Hey, he's coming towards US!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Why is Death coming after us?

               But death relentlessly heads for the boys. The boys all scream 
               and run.

               INT. STAN'S HOUSE

               The boys run inside. Death is just behind them. It makes a 
               horrible sound.

                                     DEATH
                         Mrrrrr...

               The boys all run up into Stan's room and slam the door shut. 
               Death is just on the other side, pounding on the door.

                                     THE BOYS
                         Help, run run run!

                                     CARTMAN
                         What are we gonna do?!

               Stan looks over at his telephone.

               EXT. TOON CENTRAL - DAY

                                     REPORTER
                         As the day progresses, more and more 
                         South Park residents continue to 
                         sling shot their bodies into the 
                         side of the Toon Central building.

               Behind him, an OLD LADY flies through the air and splats 
               into the building.

                                     REPORTER
                         Toon Central is under incredible 
                         pressure to cancel the show, and has 
                         already lost over 20 percent of their 
                         sponsors...

               Kyle's mother walks up to Stan's mother and hands her a cell 
               phone.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Here, Carol, I think it's your boy.

                                     STAN'S MOTHER
                         Oh, thanks.
                              (Into the phone)
                         What is it, Stanly hon? Did you break 
                         something?

               INT. STAN'S HOUSE

                                     STAN
                         Mom, death is here and he's trying 
                         to take all of us away with him.

               The boys all look worriedly at the door which is still 
               pounding and shaking.

               EXT. TOON CENTRAL

                                     STAN'S MOTHER
                         Stanly honey, you need to leave Mommy 
                         alone, I'm doing something very very 
                         important for your little well-being 
                         there.

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, but mom --

                                     STAN'S MOTHER
                         Here honey, talk to your father.

               Stan's dad gets on the phone.

                                     STAN'S FATHER
                         Did you turn the heat down?

                                     STAN
                         Dad, death is coming --

                                     STAN'S FATHER
                         Keep the thermostat under 70. Take 
                         care of your grandfather.

               Click.

               INT. STAN'S HOUSE

               Stan hangs up the phone. Death starts carving away at the 
               door with his sicle.

                                     STAN
                         Dammit! You know, I think that if 
                         parents would spend less time worrying 
                         about what their kids watch on T.V. 
                         and more time worrying about what's 
                         going on in their kids' lives, this 
                         world would be a much better place.

                                     KYLE
                         Yes, I think that parents get only 
                         get so offended by television because 
                         they rely on it as a babysitter and 
                         the sole educator of their kids.

                                     KENNY
                         Mph rmph rm rmph rm rmph mmm rmph 
                         mph mph rmp mm.

                                     KYLE
                         Totally dude.

                                     STAN
                         Good point man.

               Suddenly death BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR!!!

                                     STAN
                         AAGH!!

                                     KYLE
                         Quick! Jump out the window!!

               Just before Death can reach them, the boys jump out the 
               window.

                                    COMMERCIAL BREAK 2

                                         ACT III

               EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - NIGHT

               The boys run screaming down South Park avenue. Death pursues 
               them on a tricycle.

               Grandpa is pursuing Death in his wheelchair.

                                     GRANDPA
                         Come back here you pompass son of a 
                         panzy!

               Slowly, Death catches up to the boys, he stretches out his 
               bony hand...

                                     STAN
                         AAGH!!

                                     KYLE
                         Don't let him touch you! You die if 
                         he touches you!!

                                     GRANDPA
                         I'm over here you son of a whore!

               Death chases the boys past a TV shop, where dozens of TVs 
               are on in the window.

               They are all playing Terrance and Phillip.

               ANGLE - TELEVISION

               Terrance and Phillip are floating through space with little 
               space suits on.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Oh Terrance... What color is the 
                         wind?

               Death looks intrigued.

                                     TERRANCE
                         I don't know why don't you check --

               Terrance turns his ass towards Phillip and farts.

                                     PHILLIP
                         OH! YOU FARTED!!

               Death laughs loudly. He has to lay down his scythe to hold 
               his stomach.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Hey Phillip, you know what my space 
                         suit smells like?

                                     PHILLIP
                         No, Terrance, why don't you tell me.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Well, it smells like... A dirty fart!

               They laugh. Death laughs even harder.

                                     STAN
                         Hey look!

               The boys stop running and notice that death is watching the 
               show.

               Everybody gathers around the TV and watches. Laughing happily 
               together.

               EXT. TOON CENTRAL

               The reporter is standing out front of the Toon Central 
               building.

                                     REPORTER
                         Hours have passed and still the die 
                         hard South Park parents are killing 
                         themselves in front of the Toon 
                         Central building one by one.

               Another person splats into the side of the building.

                                     REPORTER (CONT'D)
                         Worse yet, the stomach flu that seems 
                         to be going around is... Wait, wait... 
                         I'm getting word that John Warsog, 
                         the president of the network is going 
                         to make a statement!

               Warsog again takes the stand, just as another MAN is about 
               to be released from the sling shot. A look of relief crosses 
               the man's face.

                                     JOHN WARSOG
                         Ladies and Gentlemen, your Nazi-esque 
                         tactics of trying to stink us out 
                         with your rancid feces... has worked.

               The people look confused. The port-o-potties are indeed backed 
               up.

                                     JOHN WARSOG
                         Therefore, today we will officially 
                         be taking 'Terrance and Phillip' off 
                         the network, and replacing it with 
                         reruns of 'She's The Sheriff.' 
                         Starring Suzanne Summers.

               The people all rejoice and cheer.

                                     JOHN WARSOG
                         Now get away from here and take your 
                         diarrhea with you!

               The townspeople all cheer and rejoice. The two guys at the 
               sling shot accidentally let it go, and the man goes flying 
               into the air and splats against the building.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Now at last we can return to 
                         normality!

               EXT. SOUTH PARK TV SHOP - NIGHT

               The boys and death are still happily watching Terrance and 
               Phillip.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Hey Phillip.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Yes Terrance.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Is there a penny stuck in my butt?

                                     PHILLIP
                         I don't know Terrance, let me check...

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, oh. Don't look there Phillip, 
                         you're going to get farted on!!

               Phillip moves his head towards Terrance's ass when suddenly 
               FWOOP! A second of static and then the Toon Central logo.

               The boys and death look confused.

                                     NARRATOR
                         We interrupt this program to bring 
                         you some loud static.

               Loud static fills the screen.

               Death goes absolutely ballistic. It lets out a horrible cry.

                                     DEATH
                         MARRRR!!!!!

               And turns back on the boys.

                                     KYLE
                         AAGH!!

               Death stretches out its skeleton hand and touches Kenny.

               Kenny immediately falls to the ground.

                                     KYLE
                         Oh my God! They killed Kenny!!

               The boys stop and look at Kenny's motionless body.

                                     KYLE
                              (To Death)
                         You bastard!!

                                     STAN
                         Wow, I guess Death was just coming 
                         after Kenny the whole time.

               Grandpa wheels himself up, panting.

                                     GRANDPA
                         HEY! You were supposed to kill ME!!

               Death shakes its head.

                                     GRANDPA
                         That's not fair, God Dammit! My 
                         grandpa asked me to kill him and I 
                         did it!

               Death says nothing, but points his boney finger to a glowing 
               fog.

                                     STAN
                         Whoa...

               In the glowing fog, another EXTREMELY OLDER man appears, 
               floating above the ground.

                                     OLD OLD MAN
                         Billy...

                                     GRANDPA
                         Grandpa?

                                     OLD OLD MAN
                         That's right, Billy.

                                     GRANDPA
                         My name's not Billy, Grandpa! And 
                         what's wrong with you? Why do you 
                         look all haggard?

                                     OLD OLD MAN
                         I asked you to kill me, Billy, but I 
                         was wrong... And now I am forced to 
                         spend eternity in limbo.

                                     GRANDPA
                         Limbo?

                                     OLD OLD MAN
                         I was wrong to put you in that 
                         position, Billy. Just like you're 
                         wrong to put little Billy in it now. 
                         You're so obsessed with ending your 
                         life, you're not thinking about what 
                         you're doing to his.

               Grandpa thinks.

                                     OLD OLD MAN
                         You must wait to die of natural 
                         causes.

                                     GRANDPA
                         But I've been waiting for twenty-
                         five years! Let nature run its course, 
                         or else end up in limbo...

               The old old man starts to fade away. He, death and Kenny all 
               float up to the sky.

                                     OLD OLD MAN
                         Natural causes, Billy... Natural 
                         causes...

                                     STAN
                         C'mon you guys, let's go home.

               Rats come and pull Kenny away.

               INT. STAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

               Stan's mom and dad walk in the door. Kyle's mom is with them.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Here they are!

                                     STAN'S DAD
                         Well, we did it son! We have fought 
                         a battle for your well-being and 
                         won!

                                     STAN
                         What do you mean?

                                     STAN'S MOM
                         We got Terrance and Phillip taken 
                         off the air!

               The boys all look terribly disappointed.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (To Kyle)
                         You son of a bitch! Your mom sucks!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         But look what they put on!

               Kyle's mother flips on the television.

                                     TELEVISION
                         And now back to 'She's the Sheriff!'!

               The boys look horribly disappointed.

                                     CARTMAN
                         NOOOOO!!!! GOD NOOOOOO!!!!!

               ANGLE - TELEVISION

                                     SUZANNE SUMMERS
                         You were the one behind all these 
                         shenanigans!

                                     MALE ACTOR
                         Yeah, well, you're the stupid ho 
                         that started it.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         What did he say?

                                     SUZANNE SUMMERS
                         Up yours, buttmunch!

               RESUME - LIVING ROOM

               The parents are all staring at the T.V. Kyle's mom is furious.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         WHAT-WHAT-WHAAAT?!?!

               Kyle's mother picks her sign back up.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Come on everybody! Back to New York!!

               The parents all dash out the door.

                                     KYLE
                         Hey Stan, now that Terrance and 
                         Phillip has been taken off the air, 
                         what are we going to do for 
                         entertainment?

                                     STAN
                         I dunno... We could start breathing 
                         gas fumes...

                                     CARTMAN
                         My uncle says that smoking crack is 
                         kinda cool...

                                     KYLE
                         Hey! Why don't we go watch some of 
                         those porno movie thingies?

                                     STAN
                         Cool!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah!

               Grandpa wheels out wearing tourist garb and holding pamphlets.

                                     STAN
                         What are you doing grandpa?

                                     GRANDPA
                         I'm planning a trip to Africa. Did 
                         you know over 400 people are eaten 
                         naturally by lions in Africa every 
                         year?

                                     STAN
                         That's my silly grandpa!

               The boys all laugh and fart.

                                         THE END

Death



Writers :   Matt Stone  Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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