"DO THE HANDICAPPED GO TO HELL?"
[South Park, the church, day. The congregation is heard singing
along with an organ. Inside, the town has assembled for services]
I walk hand-in-hand with Jesus
Over at the park by where he lives
I tell him all my problems [the cantor is shown at the pulpit]
And sometimes he tells me his
What a friend I have in Jesus [Stan, Kenny, and Cartman are shown]
I can say that honestly [other townsfolk are shown]
He's not like all my other friends
Who really don't care about me.
And now Mr. Mackey will read his favorite
psalm for us, Psalm 46.
Uh, God is our refuge and strength,
m'kay. A very present help in trouble,
m'kay. Therefore will not we fear,
though the earth be removed, and though
the mountains be carried into the midst
of the sea...
Hey, you guys, you wanna know what
my favorite psalm is? "It's a man's
obligation to stick his boneration in
a woman's separation. This sort of
penetration will increase the population
of the younger generation."
God is in the midst of her, m'kay. She
shall not be moved, m'kay. Though the
waters thereof roar and be troubled,
m'kay, though the mountains shake with
the swelling thereof, m'kay. There is
a river, the streams whereof shall make
glad the city of God, the holy place-
Waiwaiwaiwaiwait. "It's a man's obligation
to stick his boneration in a woman's..."
"It's a man's obligation to stick his
boneration in a woman's separation
to increase the population of the younger
(It's a man's obligation to stick his
boneration in a woman's operation-)
No no, no. Separation.
"It's a man's obligation to stick his
boneration in a woman's-"
BOYS! You are in CHURCH!
Mr. Mackey. -m'kay. The God of Jacob is our refuge, m'kay. [walks
from the pulpit back to his seat. The priest replaces him]
Thank you, Mr. Mackey. Hello, everyone.
Today, we're going to talk about hell.
Hell is not a very nice place. Burning,
searing, flames. Screaming, torture.
For eternity. Once you are in hell,
you cannot escape. You live forever
in horrible pain, in burning agony.
All sinners are there in misery, dying
over and over and over. If you be cast
down into this black bog of stench,
then woe is thou, for Satan has made
it the most miserable place in the universe!
And he will be your ruler! Your rulet
of pain and agony!
Are we going to the Hukilau?
The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau? [Satan joins them]
Are we going to the Hukilau?
The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau? [Jerry Garcia is seen]
Everybody loves a hukilau-
Where the laulau is the kaukau at the
We throw our nets out into the sea [Satan does throw out a net]
And all the ama-ama come swimmin' to me [two demons retrieve
the net, with fish in it]
Are we going to the Hukilau?
The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau?
Are we going to the Hukilau?
THREE TORTURED SOULS
The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau?
Everybody loves a Hukilau,
Where the laulau is the kaukau at the
We throw our nets out into the sea.
And all the ama-ama come a-swimming to me [The demons harvest
the catch, Tiny Tim surfs and plays his ukulele]
Are we going to the hukilau? [A three-person band of monsters
sings and plays, then a group shot of Satan and others]
The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau?
Huki......... Luki......... Lau?......... [the camera pulls back to show everyone.
An Aloha sign appears above.]
Great luau, Satan.
Thanks. See ya, Gary. Thanks for comin'.
Oh- Hi, Marsha.
Satan, a few of us are gonna go pound
some brews. You wanna join us?
Oh, I'd love to, Mr. Matthau, but I
can't. Chris and I just moved to the
west side and we have to unpack.
Oh, well, maybe next time. Great luau!
[Hell, a marina. Boats, yachts, and one big ship are docked on
the liquid lava below. A complex of buildings is shown. A woman
somewhere screams. At the main entrance the sign reads, "RIVER
STYX CONDOMINIUMS. UNITS STILL AVAILABLE." Inside his condo,
Satan sets up a ceramic doll display and hums a bit]
Did you, uh, see my "Boy With An Umbrella"
Uuh, no, but there's still some boxes
coming from the movers.
Oh, okay, thanks. Oh, that must be
them now. Just put the boxes by the-
Did you miss me, buttercup?
No, it can't be! You're dead! I killed
Yeah, you killed me. So? Where was I
gonna go? Detroit?
Oh no. Oh, God no.
[South Park, the church, day. Priest Maxi finishes his sermon.
Fear is shown across the faces of many of the congregants]
A place of everlasting agony and pain!
Hell awaits all sinners and all who
do not accept Christ! Children in this
town have not been attending Sunday
school after Mass! And adults have not
been coming to Confession! If this does
not change, I promise you, you will
be going to the black pit of Satan's
world! That is all. Peace be with you.
Well, that was quite an uplifting sermon.
Mom, wuh we're staying for Sunday school.
We have to go to Sunday school so we
Yeah. I'll see ya later, mom.
Oh, now look at that. They're scared
Hell is a very real place, Mr. and
Mrs. Marsh. I'm trying to save their
souls and the souls of everyone in this
town from the wretched lake of fire!
[The wretched lake of fire — I mean, Hell, the River Styx Condominiums,
Satan's front door. Satan has taken refuge behind the door and
Come on, guy. Just let me in so we can
I don't want to talk to you, Saddam!
This isn't what I need in my life right
Is that the movers, Satan?
Ah. Yeah. Yeah, it's just the movers
Oh, well, tell them I'm leavin' their
check on the counter.
Satan, look: I know our relationship
wasn't perfect. Okay? I know that. I
was too busy tryin' to take over the
world to give you what you needed. But
I've changed, Satan.
Oh, why, I haven't heard that one before.
COME ON, can't we just go out for a
burrito? ¡Me gusta burrito mucho!
I can't, Saddam. I'm with Chris now.
Who?? Screw 'im! He can't pound your
ass like I can!
Wait. Wait, I'm sorry, heh. But Satan,
you can't deny what's between us. You
can try, but you know we belong together.
My life is good now, Saddam. Chris treats
me well. You and I are through. Good-bye.
Hey, come on, guy! Give me a break!
Hello, children. I'm Sister Anne. And
I'll be teaching you so that you can
all receive your First Communion.
Are we gonna go to hell?
Well, hopefully not. That's why you're
gonna need to receive Communion.
A- And as long as we get this Communion
thing, we're safe?
What if we haven't really done anything
that horribly bad in our lives.
Yeah, what if we haven't?
It doesn't matter, because we are all
born with Original Sin. Now, let me
explain how Communion works. The priest
will give you this round cracker, and
he will say, "The Body of Christ," and
then you eat it.
Jesus was made of crackers?
But crackers are his- body.
In the Book of Mark, Jesus distributed
bread and said, "eat this, for it is
So wwe won't go to hell as long as we
Uhwell, uhwhat are we eatin' then?
The Body of Christ!
Nonono, I get it. Jesus wanted us to
eat him, but he didn't want us to be
cannibals, so he turned himself into
crackers, and then told people to eat
Huh-I can't whistle if I eat too many
Look: all you have to know is that when
the priest gives you the cracker, you
eat it! Okay?!
KENNY, STAN, CARTMAN
And then, you will drink a very small
amount of wine, for that, is the Blood
Aw, come on now, this is just getting
Eric, do you wanna go to hell?!
Then stop questioning me.
But now we can have Communion and not
go to hell, right?
No. Because before you can take your
first Communion, you have to have your
You'll be getting in the Confession
box with a priest and confessing all
your sins, so that God can forgive you.
You kids will all have to go to your
first Confession this Tuesday, so I
want you all to go home tonight and
think long and hard about all your sins,
so that you can tell the priest everything.
[Hell, the River Styx Condominiums, Satan's kitchen. He and Chris
are washing dishes. He soaks, Chris rinses]
Those were some great pork chops, Satan.
Hey, you. You've been actin' strange
all night. What's up?
Well, it's... just that you've washed
that same dish seven times now, silly.
Oh, huh. Sorry, huh-huh.
Come on, Satan. You know you can tell
me anything. What's up?
Well, Chris, Saddam showed up today.
Oh. Woww! I wasn't ready for that.
He showed up spouting all kinds of things
about how he's changed and he still
I thought you... killed him.
Yeah, well, where was he gonna go? Detroit?
...Do you still love him?
It's okay of you do.
Well, I mean- Of course, there's a
part of me that will always love him,
I... But I also know how abusive he was—I'm
much happier with you.
Well, you know what I think we should
do? I think we should all get together
and just talk, like adults.
We're all grown men here, Satan. I wanna
just go meet this guy.
No, Chris, you don't understand. Saddam
is fucking crazy.
Oh, I know he's got the whole bad-boy
thing going. But I think that's what
you were attracted to. But I can be
a pretty rough tumbler myself. Oops!
[South Park, curbside. Stan, Cartman, and Kenny are seated there.
Cartman has pen and notebook in hand]
Okay, let's see. Uuh, oh yeah, there
was the time we threw a fish into the
busdriver's hair and she didn't find
it for seven days.
Oh yeah, okay.
And thennn there was the time we held
that little first-grader down and farted
on him for 28 munites.
Right, I already got that one.
Hey, dudes. What are you doin'?
We're trying to remember all our sins.
Sister Anne told us we have to confess
all our sins or else we're gonna go
Have you confessed all your sins yet?
Dude, he's Jewish. He doesn't have to
confess his sins.
Oh good. I don't?
No, you're already going to hell.
I am not!
You are, too!
Dude, this ledy told us if you don't
confess all your sins and you don't
eat crackers and drink wine, then you
go to hell. Period.
I'm gonna go ask my mom!
Now, let's see. What about the time
we set Mr. Garrison's cat onfire?
Alright. That was mostly Kenny's fault.
Eyou guys! Eyou guys! Uh we just thought
Uhwell, uh what about the handicapped
What'd we do to Timmy?
No! I mean, poor Timmy's gonna go to
hell! He can't confess his sins, 'cause
all he can say is his name!
Oh yeah, you're right. I guess Timmy's
Oh man, we can't let Timmy go to hell.
We have to do something.
(What are we gonna do?)
I don't know. I don't know what we're
[Hell. Satan sits on a boulder with four demons and a small monster
off to his left]
I don't know what I'm gonna do. I can't
deny my feelings for Saddam, but... my
life is so much better now with Chris.
Yeah. It's like Chris is so perfect
in every way, but there's just something
about Saddam that I'm more more attracted
to. In what way? Yeah, you're right.
Saddam would just treat me bad again.
I'm just gonna have to not see Saddam.
Put him out of my mind and focus on
Chris. If I don't see Saddam, then I
won't have such strong feelings for
him. Thanks guys.
There you are.
Oh hi, Chris!
I've been lookin' all over for you.
I have to tell you somethin' that might
make you... a little mad.
Well, I called Saddam Hussein and invited
him over for dinner tonight.
I just think we all need to get this
out in the open.
Oh, Chris! Rraarr! Rraahh!
Come on, Satan. We're all adults here.
He was an important person in your life,
for better or for worse. So, I wanna
know him. If he sees that I'ma real
person too, then... well, maybe he'll
see how happy we are together.
No, Chris! He'll try to kill you is
what he'll do!
Satan, we're not in junior high school
Oh, dear God.
[South Park, the church. Stan sits on a bench praying. A confession
box stands nearby with two doors, one of which is open. Apparently,
he's already confessed his sins.]
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is
with thee. Blessed art though amongst
How was it?
Uh- Aw, dude, you screwed me up!
The guy in there said I have to say
54 Hail Marys. Now I can't remember
if I was on number seven or eight.
Who's in there?
I don't know. You can't see him; it's
just some anonymous guy.
Well, here goes everything.
[The confessional, inside. Cartman sits and faces the partition.]
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
Blessed art thou, child. Now, what
do you have to confess?
Well, let's see. I'd like to start,
if I may, back when I was two and a
half. It was a cold April morning, and
the dew on the grass was frozen, like
tiny beads of glass...
[The church, inside, next to the confessional. Stan continues
...Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord
is with thee. Ble-
Oh, there's Sister Anne! Come on, we've
got to ask her about Timmy. Sister
Oh, hello, children.
We have a question.
Where do handicapped people go when
The handicapped are just people like
you and me, so the same rules apply.
They need to be baptized, take Communion,
and confess their sins.
But our friend Timmy can't really talk.
All he can do is say his own name, so
he can't really confess his sins. So
is he goin' to go to hell?
Uugh. This really isn't a question for
me, it's for the priest. I'll see if
I can find him. Bye.
[The confessional, inside. Cartman goes through his extensive
list of sins]
And that was about everything from first
grade. Then last year, well, you can't
tell anybody about this stuff, right?
Your con- confession does not leave
Okay, because, last year, I took a sandwich
that the priest of this church had been
Oh. Well, Uh arr-I'm sure he would
forgive you if he knew.
No, but I'm not finished yet. I took
the sandwich that the priest was eating,
took the piece of ham out of it, put
it between my butt cheeks, and then
put the sandwich back and watched him
Yeah, and then this other time, I went
pee-pee in the holy water thing, and
the priest blessed himself on the forehead
with it every day for about a week.
And then this one time, I was at the
park, and the priest was out walking
his dog and I went-... number two on the
sidewalk and then told officer Barbrady
that it was the priest's dog. And so
the priest got find like a hundred dollars
for not cleaning it up. And then this
one time, I put super glue all over
the priest's bottle of- -eh- Ow! D'ow!
Jesus! Ooww-ah! Ow! Eh! Oh! Help.
Oh! Somebody help! God damnit! Let me
out of here!
Father! I need to talk to you. Father!
I have to ask you a question.
Uh-huh- Oho! Ohoho.
I felt it, you guys. I felt the angry
hands of God. He is an angry God, you
guys. We all have to start taking this
[Hell, River Styx Condominiums. The doorbell rings at Satan and
Chris's condo. Chris walks to the door and opens it]
Oh, hello. You must be Saddam Hussein.
And you must be Mr. Assface. Just kidding.
You're Chris, right? Thanks for inviting
me to dinner, guy. Here, I brought
you a potato.
Oh, thank you.
Chris, no! It's a bomb!
Satan, what the heck is wrong with you?
Yeah! Hey, relax, guy. We're all here
to act like adults, right? Oh, gee.
I guess I must've overcooked it.
Well, come on in. Dinner's just about
[The Broflovski house, day. Sheila and Gerald sit on the living
room sofa, and Ike reads from a book between them]
behayin' glah, and theh he find de eye.
Very good, Ike. That's two John Steinbeck
books in one day.
Oh, he's groing up so fast!
Mom! Dad! Am I gong to hell?
Why? What did you do, Kyle?!
Nothing. But the guys said if I don't
confess my sins and eat crackers, I'm
gonna go to hell.
Oh noooo, that's just Catholics. Us
Jews don't believe in hell.
We don't? But what if we're wrong?
Well..., Kyle..., they could be wrong, too.
Yeah, but if they're wrong, no big deal.
If we're wrong, we burn in hell.
Kyle, it's all about being a good person
now! You see, Christians use hell as
a way to scare people into believing
what they believe. But to believe in
something just because you're afraid
of the consequenced if you dont believe
in somethingis no reason to believe
in something. Understand?
Well, you guys can do what you want!
I'm going down to that church to confess
my sins and eat crackers! And I'm taking
Ike with me!
[Hell, River Styx Condominiums. Dinner has been served. Saddam,
Satan, and Chris sit at a round table, eating. Satan sits between
the other two.]
So Saddam. Satan told me all about how
you guys almost took over the world
Hn-yeah, those were the days, boy. What
the hell is this crap we're eating,
It's all vegetarian, Saddam. Chris was
a nutritionist before he died.
Oh, isn't that fascinating. So, tell
me, Chris. How is it that you died?
Oh, well I, I actually slipped down
an escalator, in a mall. Those things
can be pretty sketchy.
An escalator? What kind of pussy way
of dying is that?!
L-look, Saddam, I know that you and
Satan had a relationship And I just
want you to know that I'm totally okay
with you guys staying friends.
I think it's important to stay friends
with people you've had relationships
with. And I know that Satan and my
relationship is strong enough that it
can handle anything. Right? Right.
[The church, day. The rectory. Sister Anne, Stan, Cartman, and
Kenny wait for Priest Maxi at his desk. On one side of the desk
is a tray with holders that say, "The LORD Giveth" and "The LORD
Father, the children asked me about
their handicapped friend. I wanna explain
to them that he's fine.
Well, has your friend ever confessed
or been baptized?
I don't think so.
Then, hell awaits him.
Father, these boys are really worried
because they think they have to-
They SHOULD be worried! Boys, it is
your Christian duty to save the souls
of your friends!
Mister Father! We have to ask you
Oh. You're the little Jewish boy, right?
Yeah. If we're Jewish, are we gonna
go to hell?
Well, young man, you can rest assured
that according to Matthew 25, when you
die you will stand before God and he
will will say, "Depart from me, you
cursèd, into the eternal fire prepared
for the devil and his angels." Yes!
As a Jew, your home will be the lake
I hope to see all of you in church this
Father, I don't know if I agree fully
with what you're saying. I think that
as long as Jewsih people are good, they
will get into heaven.
Sister, the Jews crucified our Savior.
I mean, if you don't go to hell for
crucifying the Savior, then what the
hell do you go to hell for?!
[The church, day. The boys stand in front of the candle table
Sister Anne prayed at earlier]
Stan! You've got to help us become
good Christians. Please.
Alrightalrightalright. You heard the
priest: the first thing we have to do
is get you guys all baptized. Come on.
[Cartman's house, day. Timmy, Kyle, and Ike stand in a row as
a hose splashes on each one for a few seconds. Cartman is the
one doing the spraying while Stan and Kenny watch from the steps]
Okay, you'd better baptize Kyle some
Halleluyah! Wash away the sin-eh!
Turn around so I can clean out your
Dude, you just said "ass"! That's a
Oh, now you've said it, too!
Oh, shit! Oh!
Aw, dude, we've gotta go back to church
and confess again.
But what about them?
Ugh. Oh, I know. We can use Wacky Water
Okay, come on.
[Hell, River Styx Condominiums. Dinner is over. Chris collects
Hoof. Well, I don't know about you guys,
but all that ginger made me tired.
Yes. I guess I should be gettin' back.
Good. I'll show you out.
Nice to meet you, Saddam! Have a safe
Yeah. Thanks for the weak grass and
twigs and stuff. Satan, that guy is
He's stable, Saddam!
Yes, that's what I said! He's a pussy!
Having stability in your life is a great
thing! You should try it!
For some people, maybe. But you like
excitement. I know you, Satan.
I'm very happy with my life now.
Here. I'm at the bargain hotel on Monte
Vista. Room 16.
No, Saddam! I won't be needing this!
D'oh, I know you won't. But just keep
it, just in case. It was good seeing
you again, Satan. Goodnight. Goodnight,
pussy! I mean, Chris!
[Rome, St. Peter's Square. A phone rings somwhere and someone
Hello. Your Excellency? This is Sister
Anne, the Bleeding Eyes of Jesus, calling
from the United States?
Yes, I understand you want to speak-a
wit the pope.
Yes. The priest here has been telling
the children some pretty radical things,
and I just wanted to see what the Church
thinks about Jews and the mentally handicapped.
Yes, well the pope is here, but please
keep it brief. He is a-very old.
Hello, His Holiness. I want to ask you
about people with mental disabilities.
Do mentally-challenged people go to
Ehhhhh, what's that you say? Heh?!
Handicap. Mental handicap.
...The priest here said that people with
mental handicaps might end up in hell.
Is that true?
[South Park Avenue, day. Stan, Cartman, and Kenny are at a crosswalk
waiting for the light to turn green]
Come on! This stupid light won't change.
Come on! Hurry up! Hey, what are you
We're goin' to church. We've sinned
and so we have to confess again.
Uh us too. Uhwe saw a picture of a naked
lady. We could see her whole beaver.
Yeah. If we died right now, we'd have
unclean souls and we'd burn in hell.
Uh, come on, let's go.
...Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
He had sins that he didn't confess!
And he never took Communion!
...We've gotta get to that church before
[Hell, River Styx Condominiums, night. Satan and Chris are in
bed in the dark. Chris is trying to arouse Satan, but Satan doesn't
Yeah. That's hot. You take it! You
take it now!
Chris, what are you doing?
I'm just... I'm just trying to be a little
more naughty in bed. I uh... I know that's
what you like about sex with Saddam.
I'm just... showin' you that I can be
that way, too.
Uh huh. Yeah. You like that, don't
you, bitch? I'm a bad boy. Yeah. Take
Chris, just... don't... don't do that.
But it turns you on.
No, it's a- When Saddam did it, yeah,
Nothing. I just- I'm just- really tired
is all. Can we- just, please go to sleep?
Chris, seriously. I'm just tired, okay?
Okay. I love you, Satan.
I love you too, Saddam.
Waw. Uhuh. I'm sorry, I mean, Chris.
It's okay. It's okay. I, uh, I, I understand.
I just need to go get some air. okay?
I'll be back... really quick.
Yeah. Sure. Okay.
[South Park, the church, day. The kids race towards the church]
Come on, hurry up!
Oh no! It's locked!
What? No! It shouldn't be locked! We
have to confess! We have to confess
our sins before we die!
Hey, there's a window in the back that's
Confession box is over there!
I'm first, I'm first!
Whoa! Son of a bitch!
Uhuh. Kids, uh.
You're a sinner!
You're doing unnatural things in the
house of God!
Oh! Huh huh. Huh huh. Oh, forgive me,
heavenly Father! I've sinned against
Oh, this guy is so gonna burn!
M-Mrs. Donovan is a temptress from hell!
Dude, if this guy's goin' to hell, who's
gonna save us?
Well, it looks like we're gonna have
to save Timmy, Kyle, and everyone else
in this town from the angry hand of
[Hell. Satan walks down its streets]
Oh, the pain! Oh, the pain!
No, I can't. What am I doing? I know
this is the wrong thing to do. I could
lose Chris. I can't do this. I can't
[South Park, day. A street corner. Cartman holds court on a soapbox.
At least 17 other kids surround him. Some adults look at the
action from across the street]
We have-uh repeatedly broken God's commandments-uh!
We have lived our lives for ourselves-uh!
Totally ignoring the Lord-uh! If thy
hand offend thee, cut it off! It is
much better for thee to enter into life
Oh, what the hell are they doing now?!
-than having two hands to go into hell-uh,-
-into the fire that will never be quenched!
There is only one answer! As kids we
must abandon this town of sin and start
I don't wanna to go to hell.
It will be a long road, but at the end
of that road is Salvation! And I am
going to lead you there!
Do The Handicapped Go To Hell
Writers : Trey Parker
Genres : Animation Comedy