"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 409
"DO THE HANDICAPPED GO TO HELL?"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park, the church, day. The congregation is heard singing
along with an organ. Inside, the town has assembled for services]
CONGREGATION
I walk hand-in-hand with Jesus
Over at the park by where he lives
I tell him all my problems [the cantor is shown at the pulpit]
And sometimes he tells me his
What a friend I have in Jesus [Stan, Kenny, and Cartman are shown]
I can say that honestly [other townsfolk are shown]
He's not like all my other friends
Who really don't care about me.
Amen.
STAN
Bo-ring.
CANTOR
And now Mr. Mackey will read his favorite
psalm for us, Psalm 46.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uh, God is our refuge and strength,
m'kay. A very present help in trouble,
m'kay. Therefore will not we fear,
though the earth be removed, and though
the mountains be carried into the midst
of the sea...
CARTMAN
Hey, you guys, you wanna know what
my favorite psalm is? "It's a man's
obligation to stick his boneration in
a woman's separation. This sort of
penetration will increase the population
of the younger generation."
COUNSELOR MACKEY
God is in the midst of her, m'kay. She
shall not be moved, m'kay. Though the
waters thereof roar and be troubled,
m'kay, though the mountains shake with
the swelling thereof, m'kay. There is
a river, the streams whereof shall make
glad the city of God, the holy place-
STAN
Waiwaiwaiwaiwait. "It's a man's obligation
to stick his boneration in a woman's..."
CARTMAN
"It's a man's obligation to stick his
boneration in a woman's separation
to increase the population of the younger
generation."
KENNY
(It's a man's obligation to stick his
boneration in a woman's operation-)
CARTMAN
No no, no. Separation.
STAN
"It's a man's obligation to stick his
boneration in a woman's-"
PRIEST MAXI
BOYS! You are in CHURCH!
CARTMAN
Ugh!
Mr. Mackey. -m'kay. The God of Jacob is our refuge, m'kay. [walks
from the pulpit back to his seat. The priest replaces him]
PRIEST MAXI
Thank you, Mr. Mackey. Hello, everyone.
Today, we're going to talk about hell.
Hell is not a very nice place. Burning,
searing, flames. Screaming, torture.
For eternity. Once you are in hell,
you cannot escape. You live forever
in horrible pain, in burning agony.
All sinners are there in misery, dying
over and over and over. If you be cast
down into this black bog of stench,
then woe is thou, for Satan has made
it the most miserable place in the universe!
And he will be your ruler! Your rulet
of pain and agony!
SINGERS
Are we going to the Hukilau?
The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau? [Satan joins them]
Are we going to the Hukilau?
The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau? [Jerry Garcia is seen]
Everybody loves a hukilau-
GENE SISKEL
I do!
SINGERS
Where the laulau is the kaukau at the
luau
We throw our nets out into the sea [Satan does throw out a net]
And all the ama-ama come swimmin' to me [two demons retrieve
the net, with fish in it]
Are we going to the Hukilau?
The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau?
HULA DANCERS
Are we going to the Hukilau?
THREE TORTURED SOULS
The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau?
HULA DANCERS
Everybody loves a Hukilau,
MALES
Where the laulau is the kaukau at the
luau
ALL
We throw our nets out into the sea.
And all the ama-ama come a-swimming to me [The demons harvest
the catch, Tiny Tim surfs and plays his ukulele]
Are we going to the hukilau? [A three-person band of monsters
sings and plays, then a group shot of Satan and others]
The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau?
Huki......... Luki......... Lau?......... [the camera pulls back to show everyone.
An Aloha sign appears above.]
SATAN
Yeah!
DEMON
Hennnh!
MAN
Aaawwwwwww!
GARY
Great luau, Satan.
SATAN
Thanks. See ya, Gary. Thanks for comin'.
Oh- Hi, Marsha.
WALTER
Satan, a few of us are gonna go pound
some brews. You wanna join us?
SATAN
Oh, I'd love to, Mr. Matthau, but I
can't. Chris and I just moved to the
west side and we have to unpack.
WALTER
Oh, well, maybe next time. Great luau!
SATAN
Bye.
[Hell, a marina. Boats, yachts, and one big ship are docked on
the liquid lava below. A complex of buildings is shown. A woman
somewhere screams. At the main entrance the sign reads, "RIVER
STYX CONDOMINIUMS. UNITS STILL AVAILABLE." Inside his condo,
Satan sets up a ceramic doll display and hums a bit]
SATAN
Chris?
CHRIS
Yeah?
SATAN
Did you, uh, see my "Boy With An Umbrella"
Hummel?
CHRIS
Uuh, no, but there's still some boxes
coming from the movers.
SATAN
Oh, okay, thanks. Oh, that must be
them now. Just put the boxes by the-
SADDAM
Hello, Satan!
SATAN
Saddam...
SADDAM
Did you miss me, buttercup?
SATAN
No, it can't be! You're dead! I killed
you!
SADDAM
Yeah, you killed me. So? Where was I
gonna go? Detroit?
SATAN
Oh no. Oh, God no.
[South Park, the church, day. Priest Maxi finishes his sermon.
Fear is shown across the faces of many of the congregants]
PRIEST MAXI
A place of everlasting agony and pain!
Hell awaits all sinners and all who
do not accept Christ! Children in this
town have not been attending Sunday
school after Mass! And adults have not
been coming to Confession! If this does
not change, I promise you, you will
be going to the black pit of Satan's
world! That is all. Peace be with you.
RANDY
Well, that was quite an uplifting sermon.
SHARON
Yeah.
STAN
Mom, wuh we're staying for Sunday school.
SHARON
What?
STAN
We have to go to Sunday school so we
don't burn!
CARTMAN
Yeah. I'll see ya later, mom.
RANDY
Oh, now look at that. They're scared
to death.
PRIEST MAXI
Hell is a very real place, Mr. and
Mrs. Marsh. I'm trying to save their
souls and the souls of everyone in this
town from the wretched lake of fire!
[The wretched lake of fire — I mean, Hell, the River Styx Condominiums,
Satan's front door. Satan has taken refuge behind the door and
peeks out]
SADDAM
Come on, guy. Just let me in so we can
talk.
SATAN
I don't want to talk to you, Saddam!
This isn't what I need in my life right
now.
CHRIS
Is that the movers, Satan?
SATAN
Ah. Yeah. Yeah, it's just the movers
CHRIS
Oh, well, tell them I'm leavin' their
check on the counter.
SATAN
Okay, Chris.
SADDAM
Satan, look: I know our relationship
wasn't perfect. Okay? I know that. I
was too busy tryin' to take over the
world to give you what you needed. But
I've changed, Satan.
SATAN
Oh, why, I haven't heard that one before.
SADDAM
COME ON, can't we just go out for a
burrito? ¡Me gusta burrito mucho!
SATAN
I can't, Saddam. I'm with Chris now.
SADDAM
Who?? Screw 'im! He can't pound your
ass like I can!
SATAN
Good-bye, Saddam!
SADDAM
Wait. Wait, I'm sorry, heh. But Satan,
you can't deny what's between us. You
can try, but you know we belong together.
SATAN
My life is good now, Saddam. Chris treats
me well. You and I are through. Good-bye.
SADDAM
Hey, come on, guy! Give me a break!
NUN
Hello, children. I'm Sister Anne. And
I'll be teaching you so that you can
all receive your First Communion.
STAN
Are we gonna go to hell?
SISTER ANNE
Well, hopefully not. That's why you're
gonna need to receive Communion.
CARTMAN
A- And as long as we get this Communion
thing, we're safe?
STAN
What if we haven't really done anything
that horribly bad in our lives.
CARTMAN
Yeah, what if we haven't?
SISTER ANNE
It doesn't matter, because we are all
born with Original Sin. Now, let me
explain how Communion works. The priest
will give you this round cracker, and
he will say, "The Body of Christ," and
then you eat it.
CARTMAN
Jesus was made of crackers?
SISTER ANNE
No.
STAN
But crackers are his- body.
SISTER ANNE
Yes.
KENNY
(What?!)
SISTER ANNE
In the Book of Mark, Jesus distributed
bread and said, "eat this, for it is
my body."
CARTMAN
So wwe won't go to hell as long as we
eat crackers.
SISTER ANNE
Nononono!
BUTTERS
Uhwell, uhwhat are we eatin' then?
SISTER ANNE
The Body of Christ!
STAN
Nonono, I get it. Jesus wanted us to
eat him, but he didn't want us to be
cannibals, so he turned himself into
crackers, and then told people to eat
him.
SISTER ANNE
No!
STAN
No??
BUTTERS
Huh-I can't whistle if I eat too many
crackers.
SISTER ANNE
Look: all you have to know is that when
the priest gives you the cracker, you
eat it! Okay?!
KENNY, STAN, CARTMAN
O-kay.
SISTER ANNE
And then, you will drink a very small
amount of wine, for that, is the Blood
of Christ.
CARTMAN
Aw, come on now, this is just getting
silly!
SISTER ANNE
Eric, do you wanna go to hell?!
CARTMAN
Nno!
SISTER ANNE
Then stop questioning me.
CARTMAN
But now we can have Communion and not
go to hell, right?
SISTER ANNE
No. Because before you can take your
first Communion, you have to have your
first Confeesion.
STAN
Confession?
SISTER ANNE
You'll be getting in the Confession
box with a priest and confessing all
your sins, so that God can forgive you.
You kids will all have to go to your
first Confession this Tuesday, so I
want you all to go home tonight and
think long and hard about all your sins,
so that you can tell the priest everything.
KENNY
(OH, SHIT!)
[Hell, the River Styx Condominiums, Satan's kitchen. He and Chris
are washing dishes. He soaks, Chris rinses]
CHRIS
Those were some great pork chops, Satan.
SATAN
Yeah.
CHRIS
Hey, you. You've been actin' strange
all night. What's up?
SATAN
Nothing. Why?
CHRIS
Well, it's... just that you've washed
that same dish seven times now, silly.
SATAN
Oh, huh. Sorry, huh-huh.
CHRIS
Come on, Satan. You know you can tell
me anything. What's up?
SATAN
Well, Chris, Saddam showed up today.
CHRIS
Oh. Woww! I wasn't ready for that.
SATAN
He showed up spouting all kinds of things
about how he's changed and he still
loves me...
CHRIS
I thought you... killed him.
SATAN
Yeah, well, where was he gonna go? Detroit?
CHRIS
...Do you still love him?
SATAN
No, Chris.
CHRIS
It's okay of you do.
SATAN
Well, I mean- Of course, there's a
part of me that will always love him,
I... But I also know how abusive he was—I'm
much happier with you.
CHRIS
Well, you know what I think we should
do? I think we should all get together
and just talk, like adults.
SATAN
What?
CHRIS
We're all grown men here, Satan. I wanna
just go meet this guy.
SATAN
No, Chris, you don't understand. Saddam
is fucking crazy.
CHRIS
Oh, I know he's got the whole bad-boy
thing going. But I think that's what
you were attracted to. But I can be
a pretty rough tumbler myself. Oops!
Aw, butternuts!
[South Park, curbside. Stan, Cartman, and Kenny are seated there.
Cartman has pen and notebook in hand]
STAN
Okay, let's see. Uuh, oh yeah, there
was the time we threw a fish into the
busdriver's hair and she didn't find
it for seven days.
CARTMAN
Oh yeah, okay.
STAN
And thennn there was the time we held
that little first-grader down and farted
on him for 28 munites.
CARTMAN
Right, I already got that one.
KYLE
Hey, dudes. What are you doin'?
STAN
We're trying to remember all our sins.
Sister Anne told us we have to confess
all our sins or else we're gonna go
to hell.
KYLE
Uhwuwhat?
STAN
Have you confessed all your sins yet?
KYLE
No-o-o-o-o!
CARTMAN
Dude, he's Jewish. He doesn't have to
confess his sins.
KYLE
Oh good. I don't?
CARTMAN
No, you're already going to hell.
KYLE
I am not!
CARTMAN
You are, too!
STAN
Dude, this ledy told us if you don't
confess all your sins and you don't
eat crackers and drink wine, then you
go to hell. Period.
KYLE
I'm gonna go ask my mom!
STAN
Now, let's see. What about the time
we set Mr. Garrison's cat onfire?
CARTMAN
Alright. That was mostly Kenny's fault.
KENNY
(What?)
BUTTERS
Eyou guys! Eyou guys! Uh we just thought
of somethin'!
STAN
What, Butters?
BUTTERS
Uhwell, uh what about the handicapped
kid, uh-Timmy?
TIMMY
Timmiih!
CARTMAN
What'd we do to Timmy?
BUTTERS
No! I mean, poor Timmy's gonna go to
hell! He can't confess his sins, 'cause
all he can say is his name!
TIMMY
Timmiih!
CARTMAN
Oh yeah, you're right. I guess Timmy's
pretty screwed.
STAN
Oh man, we can't let Timmy go to hell.
We have to do something.
KENNY
(What are we gonna do?)
STAN
I don't know. I don't know what we're
gonna do.
[Hell. Satan sits on a boulder with four demons and a small monster
off to his left]
SATAN
I don't know what I'm gonna do. I can't
deny my feelings for Saddam, but... my
life is so much better now with Chris.
Yeah. It's like Chris is so perfect
in every way, but there's just something
about Saddam that I'm more more attracted
to. In what way? Yeah, you're right.
Saddam would just treat me bad again.
I'm just gonna have to not see Saddam.
Put him out of my mind and focus on
Chris. If I don't see Saddam, then I
won't have such strong feelings for
him. Thanks guys.
CHRIS
There you are.
SATAN
Oh hi, Chris!
CHRIS
I've been lookin' all over for you.
I have to tell you somethin' that might
make you... a little mad.
SATAN
What?
CHRIS
Well, I called Saddam Hussein and invited
him over for dinner tonight.
SATAN
You WHAT?!
CHRIS
I just think we all need to get this
out in the open.
SATAN
Oh, Chris! Rraarr! Rraahh!
CHRIS
Come on, Satan. We're all adults here.
He was an important person in your life,
for better or for worse. So, I wanna
know him. If he sees that I'ma real
person too, then... well, maybe he'll
see how happy we are together.
SATAN
No, Chris! He'll try to kill you is
what he'll do!
CHRIS
Satan, we're not in junior high school
anymore.
SATAN
Oh, dear God.
[South Park, the church. Stan sits on a bench praying. A confession
box stands nearby with two doors, one of which is open. Apparently,
he's already confessed his sins.]
STAN
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is
with thee. Blessed art though amongst
wo-
CARTMAN
How was it?
STAN
Uh- Aw, dude, you screwed me up!
CARTMAN
Huh?
STAN
The guy in there said I have to say
54 Hail Marys. Now I can't remember
if I was on number seven or eight.
CARTMAN
Who's in there?
STAN
I don't know. You can't see him; it's
just some anonymous guy.
CARTMAN
Well, here goes everything.
[The confessional, inside. Cartman sits and faces the partition.]
CARTMAN
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
PRIEST MAXI
Blessed art thou, child. Now, what
do you have to confess?
CARTMAN
Well, let's see. I'd like to start,
if I may, back when I was two and a
half. It was a cold April morning, and
the dew on the grass was frozen, like
tiny beads of glass...
[The church, inside, next to the confessional. Stan continues
his prayers]
STAN
...Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord
is with thee. Ble-
KENNY
(Hey, dude.)
STAN
God damnit!
KENNY
(What??)
STAN
Oh, there's Sister Anne! Come on, we've
got to ask her about Timmy. Sister
Anne?
SISTER ANNE
Oh, hello, children.
STAN
We have a question.
SISTER ANNE
Okay, shoot.
STAN
Where do handicapped people go when
they die?
SISTER ANNE
The handicapped are just people like
you and me, so the same rules apply.
They need to be baptized, take Communion,
and confess their sins.
STAN
But our friend Timmy can't really talk.
All he can do is say his own name, so
he can't really confess his sins. So
is he goin' to go to hell?
SISTER ANNE
Uugh. This really isn't a question for
me, it's for the priest. I'll see if
I can find him. Bye.
[The confessional, inside. Cartman goes through his extensive
list of sins]
CARTMAN
And that was about everything from first
grade. Then last year, well, you can't
tell anybody about this stuff, right?
PRIEST MAXI
Your con- confession does not leave
this box.
CARTMAN
Okay, because, last year, I took a sandwich
that the priest of this church had been
eating.
PRIEST MAXI
Oh. Well, Uh arr-I'm sure he would
forgive you if he knew.
CARTMAN
No, but I'm not finished yet. I took
the sandwich that the priest was eating,
took the piece of ham out of it, put
it between my butt cheeks, and then
put the sandwich back and watched him
eat it.
PRIEST MAXI
I... see.
CARTMAN
Yeah, and then this other time, I went
pee-pee in the holy water thing, and
the priest blessed himself on the forehead
with it every day for about a week.
And then this one time, I was at the
park, and the priest was out walking
his dog and I went-... number two on the
sidewalk and then told officer Barbrady
that it was the priest's dog. And so
the priest got find like a hundred dollars
for not cleaning it up. And then this
one time, I put super glue all over
the priest's bottle of- -eh- Ow! D'ow!
Jesus! Ooww-ah! Ow! Eh! Oh! Help.
Oh! Somebody help! God damnit! Let me
out of here!
SISTER ANNE
Father! I need to talk to you. Father!
I have to ask you a question.
PRIEST MAXI
Okayokay, fine!
CARTMAN
Uh-huh- Oho! Ohoho.
STAN
What happened??
CARTMAN
I felt it, you guys. I felt the angry
hands of God. He is an angry God, you
guys. We all have to start taking this
very seriously.
[Hell, River Styx Condominiums. The doorbell rings at Satan and
Chris's condo. Chris walks to the door and opens it]
CHRIS
Oh, hello. You must be Saddam Hussein.
SADDAM
And you must be Mr. Assface. Just kidding.
You're Chris, right? Thanks for inviting
me to dinner, guy. Here, I brought
you a potato.
CHRIS
Oh, thank you.
SATAN
Chris, no! It's a bomb!
CHRIS
Satan, what the heck is wrong with you?
SADDAM
Yeah! Hey, relax, guy. We're all here
to act like adults, right? Oh, gee.
I guess I must've overcooked it.
CHRIS
Well, come on in. Dinner's just about
ready.
[The Broflovski house, day. Sheila and Gerald sit on the living
room sofa, and Ike reads from a book between them]
IKE
behayin' glah, and theh he find de eye.
KYLE'S FATHER
Very good, Ike. That's two John Steinbeck
books in one day.
IKE
Cookie monstooh.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh, he's groing up so fast!
KYLE
Mom! Dad! Am I gong to hell?
KYLE'S MOTHER
Why? What did you do, Kyle?!
KYLE
Nothing. But the guys said if I don't
confess my sins and eat crackers, I'm
gonna go to hell.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh noooo, that's just Catholics. Us
Jews don't believe in hell.
KYLE
We don't? But what if we're wrong?
KYLE'S MOTHER
Well..., Kyle..., they could be wrong, too.
KYLE
Yeah, but if they're wrong, no big deal.
If we're wrong, we burn in hell.
IKE
Oh, no.
KYLE'S FATHER
Kyle, it's all about being a good person
now! You see, Christians use hell as
a way to scare people into believing
what they believe. But to believe in
something just because you're afraid
of the consequenced if you dont believe
in somethingis no reason to believe
in something. Understand?
IKE
No-o-o.
KYLE
Well, you guys can do what you want!
I'm going down to that church to confess
my sins and eat crackers! And I'm taking
Ike with me!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Kyle!
[Hell, River Styx Condominiums. Dinner has been served. Saddam,
Satan, and Chris sit at a round table, eating. Satan sits between
the other two.]
CHRIS
So Saddam. Satan told me all about how
you guys almost took over the world
once.
SADDAM
Hn-yeah, those were the days, boy. What
the hell is this crap we're eating,
anyway?
SATAN
It's all vegetarian, Saddam. Chris was
a nutritionist before he died.
SADDAM
Oh, isn't that fascinating. So, tell
me, Chris. How is it that you died?
CHRIS
Oh, well I, I actually slipped down
an escalator, in a mall. Those things
can be pretty sketchy.
SADDAM
An escalator? What kind of pussy way
of dying is that?!
CHRIS
L-look, Saddam, I know that you and
Satan had a relationship And I just
want you to know that I'm totally okay
with you guys staying friends.
SADDAM
Uh huh.
CHRIS
I think it's important to stay friends
with people you've had relationships
with. And I know that Satan and my
relationship is strong enough that it
can handle anything. Right? Right.
[The church, day. The rectory. Sister Anne, Stan, Cartman, and
Kenny wait for Priest Maxi at his desk. On one side of the desk
is a tray with holders that say, "The LORD Giveth" and "The LORD
Taketh"]
SISTER ANNE
Father, the children asked me about
their handicapped friend. I wanna explain
to them that he's fine.
PRIEST MAXI
Well, has your friend ever confessed
or been baptized?
STAN
I don't think so.
PRIEST MAXI
Then, hell awaits him.
SISTER ANNE
Father, these boys are really worried
because they think they have to-
PRIEST MAXI
They SHOULD be worried! Boys, it is
your Christian duty to save the souls
of your friends!
SISTER ANNE
Yes, but-
KYLE
Mister Father! We have to ask you
something.
PRIEST MAXI
Oh. You're the little Jewish boy, right?
KYLE
Yeah. If we're Jewish, are we gonna
go to hell?
PRIEST MAXI
Well, young man, you can rest assured
that according to Matthew 25, when you
die you will stand before God and he
will will say, "Depart from me, you
cursèd, into the eternal fire prepared
for the devil and his angels." Yes!
As a Jew, your home will be the lake
of fire.
IKE
Oh no.
SISTER ANNE
Father-
PRIEST MAXI
I hope to see all of you in church this
Sunday.
SISTER ANNE
Father, I don't know if I agree fully
with what you're saying. I think that
as long as Jewsih people are good, they
will get into heaven.
PRIEST MAXI
Sister, the Jews crucified our Savior.
I mean, if you don't go to hell for
crucifying the Savior, then what the
hell do you go to hell for?!
[The church, day. The boys stand in front of the candle table
Sister Anne prayed at earlier]
KYLE
Stan! You've got to help us become
good Christians. Please.
STAN
Alrightalrightalright. You heard the
priest: the first thing we have to do
is get you guys all baptized. Come on.
[Cartman's house, day. Timmy, Kyle, and Ike stand in a row as
a hose splashes on each one for a few seconds. Cartman is the
one doing the spraying while Stan and Kenny watch from the steps]
STAN
Okay, you'd better baptize Kyle some
more.
CARTMAN
Halleluyah! Wash away the sin-eh!
KYLE
HAAAAH!
CARTMAN
Turn around so I can clean out your
ass.
STAN
Cartman!
CARTMAN
What?
STAN
Dude, you just said "ass"! That's a
sin!
CARTMAN
Oh, now you've said it, too!
STAN
Oh, shit! Oh!
KENNY
(Fuck! Oops!)
CARTMAN
Aw, dude, we've gotta go back to church
and confess again.
STAN
But what about them?
CARTMAN
Ugh. Oh, I know. We can use Wacky Water
Weasel!
TIMMY
Haaaaah!
STAN
Okay, come on.
TIMMY
Haaa-ay, Timmmiih!
[Hell, River Styx Condominiums. Dinner is over. Chris collects
the dishes]
CHRIS
Hoof. Well, I don't know about you guys,
but all that ginger made me tired.
SADDAM
Yes. I guess I should be gettin' back.
SATAN
Good. I'll show you out.
CHRIS
Nice to meet you, Saddam! Have a safe
walk back!
SADDAM
Yeah. Thanks for the weak grass and
twigs and stuff. Satan, that guy is
a pussy!
SATAN
He's stable, Saddam!
SADDAM
Yes, that's what I said! He's a pussy!
SATAN
Having stability in your life is a great
thing! You should try it!
SADDAM
For some people, maybe. But you like
excitement. I know you, Satan.
SATAN
I'm very happy with my life now.
SADDAM
Here. I'm at the bargain hotel on Monte
Vista. Room 16.
SATAN
No, Saddam! I won't be needing this!
SADDAM
D'oh, I know you won't. But just keep
it, just in case. It was good seeing
you again, Satan. Goodnight. Goodnight,
pussy! I mean, Chris!
CHRIS
Goodnight
[Rome, St. Peter's Square. A phone rings somwhere and someone
answers]
VOICE
Hello. Your Excellency? This is Sister
Anne, the Bleeding Eyes of Jesus, calling
from the United States?
SECRETARY
Yes, I understand you want to speak-a
wit the pope.
SISTER ANNE
Yes. The priest here has been telling
the children some pretty radical things,
and I just wanted to see what the Church
thinks about Jews and the mentally handicapped.
SECRETARY
Yes, well the pope is here, but please
keep it brief. He is a-very old.
THE POPE
Heh??
SISTER ANNE
Hello, His Holiness. I want to ask you
about people with mental disabilities.
THE POPE
Heh?
SISTER ANNE
Do mentally-challenged people go to
hell?
THE POPE
Ehhhhh, what's that you say? Heh?!
SISTER ANNE
Handicap. Mental handicap.
THE POPE
Fibibiibibibibiibibih.
SISTER ANNE
...The priest here said that people with
mental handicaps might end up in hell.
Is that true?
THE POPE
Eh-bibibiibibibibiibibibih.
[South Park Avenue, day. Stan, Cartman, and Kenny are at a crosswalk
waiting for the light to turn green]
STAN
Come on! This stupid light won't change.
TOKEN
Come on! Hurry up! Hey, what are you
guys doin'?
STAN
We're goin' to church. We've sinned
and so we have to confess again.
BUTTERS
Uh us too. Uhwe saw a picture of a naked
lady. We could see her whole beaver.
CLYDE
Yeah. If we died right now, we'd have
unclean souls and we'd burn in hell.
STAN
Uh, come on, let's go.
KENNY
(Yow!)
STAN
...Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
BUTTERS
He had sins that he didn't confess!
CARTMAN
And he never took Communion!
STAN
He's doomed.
CLYDE
...We've gotta get to that church before
we die.
CARTMAN
Yeah.
[Hell, River Styx Condominiums, night. Satan and Chris are in
bed in the dark. Chris is trying to arouse Satan, but Satan doesn't
move]
CHRIS
Yeah. That's hot. You take it! You
take it now!
SATAN
Chris, what are you doing?
CHRIS
I'm just... I'm just trying to be a little
more naughty in bed. I uh... I know that's
what you like about sex with Saddam.
I'm just... showin' you that I can be
that way, too.
SATAN
Oh boy.
CHRIS
Uh huh. Yeah. You like that, don't
you, bitch? I'm a bad boy. Yeah. Take
that.
SATAN
Chris, just... don't... don't do that.
CHRIS
But it turns you on.
SATAN
No, it's a- When Saddam did it, yeah,
but uh...
CHRIS
But what?
SATAN
Nothing. I just- I'm just- really tired
is all. Can we- just, please go to sleep?
Chris, seriously. I'm just tired, okay?
CHRIS
Okay. I love you, Satan.
SATAN
I love you too, Saddam.
SATAN, CHRIS
Wuh?!
SATAN
Waw. Uhuh. I'm sorry, I mean, Chris.
CHRIS
It's okay. It's okay. I, uh, I, I understand.
...I do.
SATAN
I just need to go get some air. okay?
I'll be back... really quick.
CHRIS
Yeah. Sure. Okay.
[South Park, the church, day. The kids race towards the church]
CARTMAN
Come on, hurry up!
STAN
Oh no! It's locked!
CARTMAN
What? No! It shouldn't be locked! We
have to confess! We have to confess
our sins before we die!
BUTTERS
Hey, there's a window in the back that's
usually open.
STAN
Confession box is over there!
CARTMAN
I'm first, I'm first!
WOMAN
Oh, huhuh.
CARTMAN
What the?
PRIEST MAXI
Whoa! Son of a bitch!
WOMAN
Eh, heheheheheheh.
PRIEST MAXI
Uhuh. Kids, uh.
STAN
You're a sinner!
CARTMAN
You're doing unnatural things in the
house of God!
PRIEST MAXI
Oh! Huh huh. Huh huh. Oh, forgive me,
heavenly Father! I've sinned against
you!
CARTMAN
Oh, this guy is so gonna burn!
PRIEST MAXI
M-Mrs. Donovan is a temptress from hell!
STAN
Dude, if this guy's goin' to hell, who's
gonna save us?
CARTMAN
Well, it looks like we're gonna have
to save Timmy, Kyle, and everyone else
in this town from the angry hand of
God ourselves!
[Hell. Satan walks down its streets]
DAMNED SOUL
Oh, the pain! Oh, the pain!
SATAN
No, I can't. What am I doing? I know
this is the wrong thing to do. I could
lose Chris. I can't do this. I can't
do this.
[South Park, day. A street corner. Cartman holds court on a soapbox.
At least 17 other kids surround him. Some adults look at the
action from across the street]
CARTMAN
We have-uh repeatedly broken God's commandments-uh!
We have lived our lives for ourselves-uh!
Totally ignoring the Lord-uh! If thy
hand offend thee, cut it off! It is
much better for thee to enter into life
maimed-
RANDY
Oh, what the hell are they doing now?!
CARTMAN
-than having two hands to go into hell-uh,-
SISTER ANNE
Oh no.
CARTMAN
-into the fire that will never be quenched!
STAN
Pamphlet. Pamphlet.
CARTMAN
There is only one answer! As kids we
must abandon this town of sin and start
anew!
GIRL
I don't wanna to go to hell.
CARTMAN
It will be a long road, but at the end
of that road is Salvation! And I am
going to lead you there!
THE END
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