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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 409


                           "DO THE HANDICAPPED GO TO HELL?"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [South Park, the church, day. The congregation is heard singing 
               along with an organ. Inside, the town has assembled for services]
 
               
                                     CONGREGATION
                         I walk hand-in-hand with Jesus

               Over at the park by where he lives

               I tell him all my problems [the cantor is shown at the pulpit]
 
               
               And sometimes he tells me his

               
               What a friend I have in Jesus [Stan, Kenny, and Cartman are shown]
 
               
               I can say that honestly [other townsfolk are shown]

               He's not like all my other friends

               Who really don't care about me.

               Amen.

                                     STAN
                          Bo-ring.

                                     CANTOR
                         And now Mr. Mackey will read his favorite 
                         psalm for us, Psalm 46. 
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Uh, God is our refuge and strength, 
                         m'kay. A very present help in trouble, 
                         m'kay.  Therefore will not we fear, 
                         though the earth be removed, and though 
                         the mountains be carried into the midst 
                         of the sea...
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hey, you guys, you wanna know what 
                         my favorite psalm is? "It's a man's 
                         obligation to stick his boneration in 
                         a woman's separation.  This sort of 
                         penetration will increase the population 
                         of the younger generation." 
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         God is in the midst of her, m'kay. She 
                         shall not be moved, m'kay.  Though the 
                         waters thereof roar and be troubled, 
                         m'kay, though the mountains shake with 
                         the swelling thereof, m'kay. There is 
                         a river, the streams whereof shall make 
                         glad the city of God, the holy place- 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                          Waiwaiwaiwaiwait. "It's a man's obligation 
                         to stick his boneration in a woman's..."
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         "It's a man's obligation to stick his 
                         boneration in a woman's separation  
                         to increase the population of the younger 
                         generation."
 
                                     KENNY
                         (It's a man's obligation to stick his 
                         boneration in a woman's operation-)
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         No no, no. Separation.

                                     STAN
                         "It's a man's obligation to stick his 
                         boneration in a woman's-"
 
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         BOYS! You are in CHURCH! 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Ugh!

               Mr. Mackey. 	-m'kay. The God of Jacob is our refuge, m'kay. [walks 
               from the pulpit back to his seat. The priest replaces him]
 
               
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Thank you, Mr. Mackey. Hello, everyone. 
                         Today, we're going to talk about hell. 
                          Hell is not a very nice place. Burning, 
                         searing, flames. Screaming, torture. 
                         For eternity. Once you are in hell, 
                         you cannot escape. You live forever 
                         in horrible pain, in burning agony. 
                         All sinners are there in misery, dying 
                         over and over and over.  If you be cast 
                         down into this black bog of stench, 
                         then woe is thou,  for Satan has made 
                         it the most miserable place in the universe! 
                          And he will be your ruler!  Your rulet 
                         of pain and agony!
 
                                     SINGERS
                         Are we going to the Hukilau?

               The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau? [Satan joins them]

               
               Are we going to the Hukilau?

               The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau? [Jerry Garcia is seen]

               Everybody loves a hukilau-

                                     GENE SISKEL
                         I do!

                                     SINGERS
                         Where the laulau is the kaukau at the 
                         luau 
 
               We throw our nets out into the sea [Satan does throw out a net]
 
               
               And all the ama-ama come swimmin' to me [two demons retrieve 
               the net, with fish in it]
 
               Are we going to the Hukilau?

               The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau?

                                     HULA DANCERS
                         Are we going to the Hukilau?

                                     THREE TORTURED SOULS
                         The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau?

                                     HULA DANCERS
                         Everybody loves a Hukilau, 

                                     MALES
                         Where the laulau is the kaukau at the 
                         luau 
 
                                     ALL
                         We throw our nets out into the sea. 
                         
 
               And all the ama-ama come a-swimming to me [The demons harvest 
               the catch, Tiny Tim surfs and plays his ukulele]
 
               Are we going to the hukilau? [A three-person band of monsters 
               sings and plays, then a group shot of Satan and others]
 
               The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau?

               Huki......... Luki......... Lau?......... [the camera pulls back to show everyone. 
               An Aloha sign appears above.]
 
                                     SATAN
                         Yeah!

                                     DEMON
                         Hennnh! 

                                     MAN
                         Aaawwwwwww! 

                                     GARY
                         Great luau, Satan.

                                     SATAN
                         Thanks. See ya, Gary. Thanks for comin'. 
                         Oh- Hi, Marsha.
 
                                     WALTER
                         Satan, a few of us are gonna go pound 
                         some brews. You wanna join us?
 
                                     SATAN
                         Oh, I'd love to, Mr. Matthau, but I 
                         can't. Chris and I just moved to the 
                         west side and we have to unpack.
 
                                     WALTER
                         Oh, well, maybe next time. Great luau!
 
                         
                                     SATAN
                         Bye.

               [Hell, a marina. Boats, yachts, and one big ship are docked on 
               the liquid lava below. A complex of buildings is shown. A woman 
               somewhere screams. At the main entrance the sign reads, "RIVER 
               STYX CONDOMINIUMS. UNITS STILL AVAILABLE." Inside his condo, 
               Satan sets up a ceramic doll display and hums a bit]
 
                                     SATAN
                         Chris?

                                     CHRIS
                          Yeah?

                                     SATAN
                         Did you, uh, see my "Boy With An Umbrella" 
                         Hummel?
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Uuh, no, but there's still some boxes 
                         coming from the movers.
 
                                     SATAN
                         Oh, okay, thanks.  Oh, that must be 
                         them now.  Just put the boxes by the-
 
                         
                                     SADDAM
                         Hello, Satan! 

                                     SATAN
                          Saddam...

                                     SADDAM
                          Did you miss me, buttercup?

                                     SATAN
                         No, it can't be! You're dead! I killed 
                         you!
 
                                     SADDAM
                         Yeah, you killed me. So? Where was I 
                         gonna go? Detroit?
 
                                     SATAN
                         Oh no.  Oh, God no.

               [South Park, the church, day. Priest Maxi finishes his sermon. 
               Fear is shown across the faces of many of the congregants]
 
               
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         A place of everlasting agony and pain! 
                         Hell awaits all sinners and all who 
                         do not accept Christ!  Children in this 
                         town have not been attending Sunday 
                         school after Mass! And adults have not 
                         been coming to Confession! If this does 
                         not change, I promise you, you will 
                         be going to the black pit of Satan's 
                         world!  That is all. Peace be with you. 
                         
 
                                     RANDY
                         Well, that was quite an uplifting sermon.
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         Yeah. 

                                     STAN
                         Mom, wuh we're staying for Sunday school.
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                          What?

                                     STAN
                         We have to go to Sunday school so we 
                         don't burn! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah. I'll see ya later, mom. 

                                     RANDY
                         Oh, now look at that. They're scared 
                         to death.
 
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                          Hell is a very real place, Mr. and 
                         Mrs. Marsh. I'm trying to save their 
                         souls and the souls of everyone in this 
                         town from the wretched lake of fire!
 
                         
               [The wretched lake of fire — I mean, Hell, the River Styx Condominiums, 
               Satan's front door. Satan has taken refuge behind the door and 
               peeks out]
 
                                     SADDAM
                         Come on, guy. Just let me in so we can 
                         talk.
 
                                     SATAN
                         I don't want to talk to you, Saddam! 
                         This isn't what I need in my life right 
                         now.
 
                                     CHRIS
                          Is that the movers, Satan?

                                     SATAN
                          Ah. Yeah. Yeah, it's just the movers
 
                         
                                     CHRIS
                         Oh, well, tell them I'm leavin' their 
                         check on the counter. 
 
                                     SATAN
                         Okay, Chris.

                                     SADDAM
                         Satan, look: I know our relationship 
                         wasn't perfect. Okay? I know that. I 
                         was too busy tryin' to take over the 
                         world to give you what you needed. But 
                         I've changed, Satan. 
 
                                     SATAN
                          Oh, why, I haven't heard that one before.
 
                         
                                     SADDAM
                         COME ON, can't we just go out for a 
                         burrito?  ¡Me gusta burrito mucho!
 
                         
                                     SATAN
                         I can't, Saddam. I'm with Chris now.
 
                         
                                     SADDAM
                         Who?? Screw 'im! He can't pound your 
                         ass like I can!
 
                                     SATAN
                         Good-bye, Saddam!

                                     SADDAM
                         Wait. Wait, I'm sorry, heh. But Satan, 
                         you can't deny what's between us.  You 
                         can try, but you know we belong together.
 
                         
                                     SATAN
                         My life is good now, Saddam. Chris treats 
                         me well. You and I are through. Good-bye. 
                         
 
                                     SADDAM
                          Hey, come on, guy! Give me a break! 
                         
 
                                     NUN
                         Hello, children. I'm Sister Anne. And 
                         I'll be teaching you so that you can 
                         all receive your First Communion.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Are we gonna go to hell?

                                     SISTER ANNE
                         Well, hopefully not. That's why you're 
                         gonna need to receive Communion.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         A- And as long as we get this Communion 
                         thing, we're safe?
 
                                     STAN
                         What if we haven't really done anything 
                         that horribly bad in our lives.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, what if we haven't?

                                     SISTER ANNE
                         It doesn't matter, because we are all 
                         born with Original Sin. Now, let me 
                         explain how Communion works.  The priest 
                         will give you this round cracker,  and 
                         he will say, "The Body of Christ," and 
                         then you eat it. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Jesus was made of crackers?

                                     SISTER ANNE
                         No.

                                     STAN
                         But crackers are his- body.

                                     SISTER ANNE
                         Yes.

                                     KENNY
                          (What?!)

                                     SISTER ANNE
                         In the Book of Mark, Jesus distributed 
                         bread and said, "eat this, for it is 
                         my body."
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         So wwe won't go to hell as long as we 
                         eat crackers.
 
                                     SISTER ANNE
                         Nononono!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Uhwell, uhwhat are we eatin' then?
 
                         
                                     SISTER ANNE
                         The Body of Christ! 

                                     STAN
                         Nonono, I get it. Jesus wanted us to 
                         eat him, but he didn't want us to be 
                         cannibals, so he turned himself into 
                         crackers, and then told people to eat 
                         him.
 
                                     SISTER ANNE
                         No!

                                     STAN
                         No??

                                     BUTTERS
                         Huh-I can't whistle if I eat too many 
                         crackers.
 
                                     SISTER ANNE
                         Look: all you have to know is that when 
                         the priest gives you the cracker, you 
                         eat it! Okay?!
 
                                     KENNY, STAN, CARTMAN
                         O-kay.

                                     SISTER ANNE
                         And then, you will drink a very small 
                         amount of wine, for that, is the Blood 
                         of Christ.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Aw, come on now, this is just getting 
                         silly! 
 
                                     SISTER ANNE
                         Eric, do you wanna go to hell?!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Nno!

                                     SISTER ANNE
                         Then stop questioning me.

                                     CARTMAN
                         But now we can have Communion and not 
                         go to hell, right?
 
                                     SISTER ANNE
                         No. Because before you can take your 
                         first Communion, you have to have your 
                         first Confeesion.
 
                                     STAN
                         Confession? 

                                     SISTER ANNE
                         You'll be getting in the Confession 
                         box with a priest and confessing all 
                         your sins, so that God can forgive you. 
                         You kids will all have to go to your 
                         first Confession this Tuesday, so I 
                         want you all to go home tonight and 
                         think long and hard about all your sins, 
                         so that you can tell the priest everything. 
                         
 
                                     KENNY
                         (OH, SHIT!)

               [Hell, the River Styx Condominiums, Satan's kitchen. He and Chris 
               are washing dishes. He soaks, Chris rinses]
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Those were some great pork chops, Satan.
 
                         
                                     SATAN
                         Yeah.

                                     CHRIS
                         Hey, you.  You've been actin' strange 
                         all night. What's up?
 
                                     SATAN
                          Nothing. Why?

                                     CHRIS
                         Well, it's... just that you've washed 
                         that same dish seven times now, silly.
 
                         
                                     SATAN
                          Oh, huh. Sorry, huh-huh. 

                                     CHRIS
                          Come on, Satan. You know you can tell 
                         me anything. What's up?
 
                                     SATAN
                         Well, Chris, Saddam showed up today.
 
                         
                                     CHRIS
                          Oh.  Woww!  I wasn't ready for that.
 
                         
                                     SATAN
                         He showed up spouting all kinds of things 
                         about how he's changed and he still 
                         loves me...
 
                                     CHRIS
                         I thought you... killed him.

                                     SATAN
                         Yeah, well, where was he gonna go? Detroit?
 
                         
                                     CHRIS
                         ...Do you still love him?

                                     SATAN
                         No, Chris.

                                     CHRIS
                         It's okay of you do.

                                     SATAN
                         Well, I mean-  Of course, there's a 
                         part of me that will always love him, 
                         I... But I also know how abusive he was—I'm 
                         much happier with you.
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Well, you know what I think we should 
                         do? I think we should all get together 
                         and just talk, like adults.
 
                                     SATAN
                         What?

                                     CHRIS
                         We're all grown men here, Satan. I wanna 
                         just go meet this guy.
 
                                     SATAN
                         No, Chris, you don't understand. Saddam 
                         is fucking crazy.
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Oh, I know he's got the whole bad-boy 
                         thing going. But I think that's what 
                         you were attracted to. But I can be 
                         a pretty rough tumbler myself.  Oops! 
                          Aw, butternuts! 
 
               [South Park, curbside. Stan, Cartman, and Kenny are seated there. 
               Cartman has pen and notebook in hand]
 
                                     STAN
                         Okay, let's see. Uuh, oh yeah, there 
                         was the time we threw a fish into the 
                         busdriver's hair and she didn't find 
                         it for seven days.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh yeah, okay.

                                     STAN
                         And thennn there was the time we held 
                         that little first-grader down and farted 
                         on him for 28 munites.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Right, I already got that one.

                                     KYLE
                          Hey, dudes. What are you doin'?

                                     STAN
                         We're trying to remember all our sins. 
                         Sister Anne told us we have to confess 
                         all our sins or else we're gonna go 
                         to hell.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Uhwuwhat?

                                     STAN
                         Have you confessed all your sins yet?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         No-o-o-o-o!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Dude, he's Jewish. He doesn't have to 
                         confess his sins.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh good. I don't?

                                     CARTMAN
                         No, you're already going to hell.

                                     KYLE
                         I am not!

                                     CARTMAN
                         You are, too!

                                     STAN
                         Dude, this ledy told us if you don't 
                         confess all your sins and you don't 
                         eat crackers and drink wine, then you 
                         go to hell. Period.
 
                                     KYLE
                         I'm gonna go ask my mom! 

                                     STAN
                         Now, let's see. What about the time 
                         we set Mr. Garrison's cat onfire?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Alright. That was mostly Kenny's fault.
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (What?)

                                     BUTTERS
                          Eyou guys! Eyou guys! Uh we just thought 
                         of somethin'!
 
                                     STAN
                         What, Butters?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Uhwell, uh what about the handicapped 
                         kid, uh-Timmy?
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmiih!

                                     CARTMAN
                         What'd we do to Timmy?

                                     BUTTERS
                         No! I mean, poor Timmy's gonna go to 
                         hell! He can't confess his sins, 'cause 
                         all he can say is his name!
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmiih!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh yeah, you're right. I guess Timmy's 
                         pretty screwed.
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh man, we can't let Timmy go to hell. 
                         We have to do something.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (What are we gonna do?)

                                     STAN
                         I don't know. I don't know what we're 
                         gonna do.
 
               [Hell. Satan sits on a boulder with four demons and a small monster 
               off to his left]
 
                                     SATAN
                          I don't know what I'm gonna do. I can't 
                         deny my feelings for Saddam, but... my 
                         life is so much better now with Chris. 
                          Yeah. It's like Chris is so perfect 
                         in every way, but there's just something 
                         about Saddam that I'm more more attracted 
                         to.  In what way?  Yeah, you're right. 
                         Saddam would just treat me bad again. 
                         I'm just gonna have to not see Saddam. 
                         Put him out of my mind and focus on 
                         Chris. If I don't see Saddam, then I 
                         won't have such strong feelings for 
                         him. Thanks guys. 
 
                                     CHRIS
                          There you are.

                                     SATAN
                          Oh hi, Chris!

                                     CHRIS
                         I've been lookin' all over for you. 
                         I have to tell you somethin' that might 
                         make you... a little mad.
 
                                     SATAN
                         What?

                                     CHRIS
                         Well, I called Saddam Hussein and invited 
                         him over for dinner tonight.
 
                                     SATAN
                         You WHAT?!

                                     CHRIS
                         I just think we all need to get this 
                         out in the open.
 
                                     SATAN
                         Oh, Chris! Rraarr!  Rraahh! 

                                     CHRIS
                          Come on, Satan. We're all adults here. 
                         He was an important person in your life, 
                         for better or for worse. So, I wanna 
                         know him. If he sees that I'ma real 
                         person too, then... well, maybe he'll 
                         see how happy we are together.
 
                                     SATAN
                         No, Chris! He'll try to kill you is 
                         what he'll do!
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Satan, we're not in junior high school 
                         anymore.
 
                                     SATAN
                          Oh, dear God. 

               [South Park, the church. Stan sits on a bench praying. A confession 
               box stands nearby with two doors, one of which is open. Apparently, 
               he's already confessed his sins.]
 
                                     STAN
                         Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is 
                         with thee. Blessed art though amongst 
                         wo-
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          How was it?

                                     STAN
                         Uh- Aw, dude, you screwed me up!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Huh?

                                     STAN
                         The guy in there said I have to say 
                         54 Hail Marys. Now I can't remember 
                         if I was on number seven or eight.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Who's in there?

                                     STAN
                         I don't know. You can't see him; it's 
                         just some anonymous guy.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, here goes everything. 

               [The confessional, inside. Cartman sits and faces the partition.]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                          Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
 
                         
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                          Blessed art thou, child. Now, what 
                         do you have to confess?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, let's see. I'd like to start, 
                         if I may, back when I was two and a 
                         half. It was a cold April morning, and 
                         the dew on the grass was frozen, like 
                         tiny beads of glass...
 
               [The church, inside, next to the confessional. Stan continues 
               his prayers]
 
                                     STAN
                         ...Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord 
                         is with thee. Ble-
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Hey, dude.)

                                     STAN
                         God damnit!

                                     KENNY
                         (What??)

                                     STAN
                          Oh, there's Sister Anne! Come on, we've 
                         got to ask her about Timmy.  Sister 
                         Anne?
 
                                     SISTER ANNE
                         Oh, hello, children.

                                     STAN
                         We have a question.

                                     SISTER ANNE
                          Okay, shoot.

                                     STAN
                         Where do handicapped people go when 
                         they die?
 
                                     SISTER ANNE
                          The handicapped are just people like 
                         you and me, so the same rules apply. 
                         They need to be baptized, take Communion, 
                         and confess their sins.
 
                                     STAN
                         But our friend Timmy can't really talk. 
                         All he can do is say his own name, so 
                         he can't really confess his sins. So 
                         is he goin' to go to hell?
 
                                     SISTER ANNE
                         Uugh. This really isn't a question for 
                         me, it's for the priest.  I'll see if 
                         I can find him. Bye. 
 
               [The confessional, inside. Cartman goes through his extensive 
               list of sins]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         And that was about everything from first 
                         grade. Then last year, well, you can't 
                         tell anybody about this stuff, right?
 
                         
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Your  con- confession does not leave 
                         this box.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, because, last year, I took a sandwich 
                         that the priest of this church had been 
                         eating.
 
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                          Oh. Well, Uh arr-I'm sure he would 
                         forgive you if he knew.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No, but I'm not finished yet. I took 
                         the sandwich that the priest was eating, 
                         took the piece of ham out of it, put 
                         it between my butt cheeks, and then 
                         put the sandwich back and watched him 
                         eat it. 
 
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                          I... see.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, and then this other time, I went 
                         pee-pee in the holy water thing, and 
                         the priest blessed himself on the forehead 
                         with it every day for about a week. 
                          And then this one time, I was at the 
                         park, and the priest was out walking 
                         his dog and I went-... number two on the 
                         sidewalk and then told officer Barbrady 
                         that it was the priest's dog.  And so 
                         the priest got find like a hundred dollars 
                         for not cleaning it up. And then this 
                         one time, I put super glue all over 
                         the priest's bottle of-  -eh- Ow!  D'ow! 
                         Jesus! Ooww-ah! Ow!  Eh! Oh! Help.  
                         Oh! Somebody help! God damnit! Let me 
                         out of here!
 
                                     SISTER ANNE
                          Father! I need to talk to you. Father! 
                          I have to ask you a question.
 
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Okayokay, fine! 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Uh-huh-  Oho! Ohoho.

                                     STAN
                         What happened??

                                     CARTMAN
                         I felt it, you guys. I felt the angry 
                         hands of God.  He is an angry God, you 
                         guys. We all have to start taking this 
                         very seriously.
 
               [Hell, River Styx Condominiums. The doorbell rings at Satan and 
               Chris's condo. Chris walks to the door and opens it]
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Oh, hello. You must be Saddam Hussein.
 
                         
                                     SADDAM
                         And you must be Mr. Assface.  Just kidding. 
                         You're Chris, right? Thanks for inviting 
                         me to dinner, guy.  Here, I brought 
                         you a potato. 
 
                                     CHRIS
                          Oh, thank you.

                                     SATAN
                          Chris, no! It's a bomb! 

                                     CHRIS
                         Satan, what the heck is wrong with you?
 
                         
                                     SADDAM
                         Yeah! Hey, relax, guy. We're all here 
                         to act like adults, right?  Oh, gee. 
                         I guess I must've overcooked it. 
 
                         
                                     CHRIS
                         Well, come on in. Dinner's just about 
                         ready.
 
               [The Broflovski house, day. Sheila and Gerald sit on the living 
               room sofa, and Ike reads from a book between them]
 
                                     IKE
                         behayin' glah, and theh he find de eye. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Very good, Ike. That's two John Steinbeck 
                         books in one day.
 
                                     IKE
                         Cookie monstooh.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          Oh, he's groing up so fast! 

                                     KYLE
                          Mom! Dad! Am I gong to hell?

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Why? What did you do, Kyle?!

                                     KYLE
                         Nothing. But the guys said if I don't 
                         confess my sins and eat crackers, I'm 
                         gonna go to hell.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh noooo, that's just Catholics. Us 
                         Jews don't believe in hell.
 
                                     KYLE
                         We don't? But what if we're wrong?
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Well..., Kyle..., they could be wrong, too.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, but if they're wrong, no big deal. 
                         If we're wrong, we burn in hell.
 
                                     IKE
                         Oh, no.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Kyle, it's all about being a good person 
                         now! You see, Christians use hell as 
                         a way to scare people into believing 
                         what they believe. But to believe in 
                         something just because you're afraid 
                         of the consequenced if you dont believe 
                         in somethingis no reason to believe 
                         in something. Understand?
 
                                     IKE
                         No-o-o.

                                     KYLE
                         Well, you guys can do what you want! 
                         I'm going down to that church to confess 
                         my sins and eat crackers! And I'm taking 
                         Ike with me! 
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Kyle!

               [Hell, River Styx Condominiums. Dinner has been served. Saddam, 
               Satan, and Chris sit at a round table, eating. Satan sits between 
               the other two.]
 
                                     CHRIS
                         So Saddam. Satan told me all about how 
                         you guys almost took over the world 
                         once.
 
                                     SADDAM
                         Hn-yeah, those were the days, boy. What 
                         the hell is this crap we're eating, 
                         anyway?
 
                                     SATAN
                         It's all vegetarian, Saddam. Chris was 
                         a nutritionist before he died.
 
                                     SADDAM
                         Oh, isn't that fascinating. So, tell 
                         me, Chris. How is it that you died?
 
                         
                                     CHRIS
                         Oh, well I, I actually slipped down 
                         an escalator, in a mall. Those things 
                         can be pretty sketchy.
 
                                     SADDAM
                         An escalator? What kind of pussy way 
                         of dying is that?!
 
                                     CHRIS
                         L-look, Saddam, I know that you and 
                         Satan had a relationship  And I just 
                         want you to know  that I'm totally okay 
                         with you guys staying friends.
 
                                     SADDAM
                         Uh huh.

                                     CHRIS
                         I think it's important to stay friends 
                         with people you've had relationships 
                         with.  And I know that Satan and my 
                         relationship is strong enough that it 
                         can handle anything.  Right?  Right.
 
                         
               [The church, day. The rectory. Sister Anne, Stan, Cartman, and 
               Kenny wait for Priest Maxi at his desk. On one side of the desk 
               is a tray with holders that say, "The LORD Giveth" and "The LORD 
               Taketh"]
 
                                     SISTER ANNE
                         Father, the children asked me about 
                         their handicapped friend. I wanna explain 
                         to them that he's fine.
 
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Well, has your friend ever confessed 
                         or been baptized?
 
                                     STAN
                         I don't think so.

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Then, hell awaits him.

                                     SISTER ANNE
                         Father, these boys are really worried 
                         because they think they have to-
 
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         They SHOULD be worried! Boys, it is 
                         your Christian duty to save the souls 
                         of your friends!
 
                                     SISTER ANNE
                         Yes, but-

                                     KYLE
                          Mister Father!  We have to ask you 
                         something.
 
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Oh. You're the little Jewish boy, right?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. If we're Jewish, are we gonna 
                         go to hell?
 
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Well, young man, you can rest assured 
                         that according to Matthew 25, when you 
                         die you will stand before God and he 
                         will will say, "Depart from me, you 
                         cursèd, into the eternal fire prepared 
                         for the devil and his angels." Yes! 
                         As a Jew, your home will be the lake 
                         of fire.
 
                                     IKE
                          Oh no.

                                     SISTER ANNE
                         Father-

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         I hope to see all of you in church this 
                         Sunday.
 
                                     SISTER ANNE
                          Father, I don't know if I agree fully 
                         with what you're saying. I think that 
                         as long as Jewsih people are good, they 
                         will get into heaven.
 
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Sister, the Jews crucified our Savior. 
                         I mean, if you don't go to hell for 
                         crucifying the Savior, then what the 
                         hell do you go to hell for?!
 
               [The church, day. The boys stand in front of the candle table 
               Sister Anne prayed at earlier]
 
                                     KYLE
                          Stan! You've got to help us become 
                         good Christians. Please.
 
                                     STAN
                         Alrightalrightalright. You heard the 
                         priest: the first thing we have to do 
                         is get you guys all baptized. Come on. 
                         
 
               [Cartman's house, day. Timmy, Kyle, and Ike stand in a row as 
               a hose splashes on each one for a few seconds. Cartman is the 
               one doing the spraying while Stan and Kenny watch from the steps]
 
               
                                     STAN
                         Okay, you'd better baptize Kyle some 
                         more.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Halleluyah! Wash away the sin-eh!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         HAAAAH!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Turn around so I can clean out your 
                         ass.
 
                                     STAN
                         Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                         What?

                                     STAN
                         Dude, you just said "ass"! That's a 
                         sin!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, now you've said it, too!

                                     STAN
                         Oh, shit!  Oh!

                                     KENNY
                         (Fuck! Oops!) 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Aw, dude, we've gotta go back to church 
                         and confess again.
 
                                     STAN
                         But what about them?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ugh. Oh, I know.  We can use Wacky Water 
                         Weasel! 
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Haaaaah!

                                     STAN
                         Okay, come on. 

                                     TIMMY
                         Haaa-ay, Timmmiih!

               [Hell, River Styx Condominiums. Dinner is over. Chris collects 
               the dishes]
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Hoof. Well, I don't know about you guys, 
                         but all that ginger made me tired.
 
                         
                                     SADDAM
                         Yes. I guess I should be gettin' back. 
                         
 
                                     SATAN
                         Good. I'll show you out.

                                     CHRIS
                         Nice to meet you, Saddam! Have a safe 
                         walk back!
 
                                     SADDAM
                         Yeah. Thanks for the weak grass and 
                         twigs and stuff.  Satan, that guy is 
                         a pussy!
 
                                     SATAN
                         He's stable, Saddam!

                                     SADDAM
                         Yes, that's what I said! He's a pussy!
 
                         
                                     SATAN
                         Having stability in your life is a great 
                         thing! You should try it!
 
                                     SADDAM
                         For some people, maybe. But you like 
                         excitement. I know you, Satan. 
 
                                     SATAN
                         I'm very happy with my life now.

                                     SADDAM
                         Here.  I'm at the bargain hotel on Monte 
                         Vista. Room 16.
 
                                     SATAN
                         No, Saddam! I won't be needing this!
 
                         
                                     SADDAM
                         D'oh, I know you won't. But just keep 
                         it, just in case. It was good seeing 
                         you again, Satan. Goodnight.  Goodnight, 
                         pussy! I mean, Chris!
 
                                     CHRIS
                          Goodnight 

               [Rome, St. Peter's Square. A phone rings somwhere and someone 
               answers]
 
                                     VOICE
                         Hello. Your Excellency?  This is Sister 
                         Anne, the Bleeding Eyes of Jesus, calling 
                         from the United States?
 
                                     SECRETARY
                         Yes, I understand you want to speak-a 
                         wit the pope.
 
                                     SISTER ANNE
                         Yes. The priest here has been telling 
                         the children some pretty radical things, 
                         and I just wanted to see what the Church 
                         thinks about Jews and the mentally handicapped.
 
                         
                                     SECRETARY
                         Yes, well the pope is here, but please 
                         keep it brief. He is a-very old. 
 
                         
                                     THE POPE
                         Heh??

                                     SISTER ANNE
                         Hello, His Holiness. I want to ask you 
                         about people with mental disabilities.
 
                         
                                     THE POPE
                         Heh?

                                     SISTER ANNE
                         Do mentally-challenged people go to 
                         hell?
 
                                     THE POPE
                          Ehhhhh, what's that you say?  Heh?!
 
                         
                                     SISTER ANNE
                          Handicap. Mental handicap.

                                     THE POPE
                          Fibibiibibibibiibibih.

                                     SISTER ANNE
                          ...The priest here said that people with 
                         mental handicaps might end up in hell. 
                         Is that true?
 
                                     THE POPE
                          Eh-bibibiibibibibiibibibih. 

               [South Park Avenue, day. Stan, Cartman, and Kenny are at a crosswalk 
               waiting for the light to turn green]
 
                                     STAN
                         Come on! This stupid light won't change.
 
                         
                                     TOKEN
                          Come on! Hurry up!  Hey, what are you 
                         guys doin'?
 
                                     STAN
                         We're goin' to church. We've sinned 
                         and so we have to confess again.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh us too. Uhwe saw a picture of a naked 
                         lady. We could see her whole beaver.
 
                         
                                     CLYDE
                         Yeah. If we died right now, we'd have 
                         unclean souls and we'd burn in hell. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Uh, come on, let's go. 

                                     KENNY
                         (Yow!) 

                                     STAN
                          ...Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         He had sins that he didn't confess!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         And he never took Communion!

                                     STAN
                         He's doomed.

                                     CLYDE
                         ...We've gotta get to that church before 
                         we die.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah. 

               [Hell, River Styx Condominiums, night. Satan and Chris are in 
               bed in the dark. Chris is trying to arouse Satan, but Satan doesn't 
               move]
 
                                     CHRIS
                          Yeah.  That's hot.  You take it!  You 
                         take it now!
 
                                     SATAN
                         Chris, what are you doing?

                                     CHRIS
                         I'm just... I'm just trying to be a little 
                         more naughty in bed. I uh... I know that's 
                         what you like about sex with Saddam. 
                         I'm just... showin' you that I can be 
                         that way, too.
 
                                     SATAN
                         Oh boy.

                                     CHRIS
                          Uh huh. Yeah. You like that, don't 
                         you, bitch?  I'm a bad boy. Yeah. Take 
                         that.
 
                                     SATAN
                         Chris, just... don't... don't do that.
 
                         
                                     CHRIS
                         But it turns you on.

                                     SATAN
                         No, it's a- When Saddam did it, yeah, 
                         but uh...
 
                                     CHRIS
                         But what?

                                     SATAN
                         Nothing. I just- I'm just- really tired 
                         is all. Can we- just, please go to sleep? 
                          Chris, seriously. I'm just tired, okay?
 
                         
                                     CHRIS
                          Okay. I love you, Satan.

                                     SATAN
                         I love you too, Saddam.

                                     SATAN, CHRIS
                          Wuh?!

                                     SATAN
                         Waw. Uhuh. I'm sorry, I mean, Chris. 
                         
 
                                     CHRIS
                         It's okay. It's okay. I, uh, I, I understand. 
                         ...I do.
 
                                     SATAN
                         I just need to go get some air. okay? 
                         I'll be back... really quick. 
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Yeah. Sure. Okay.

               [South Park, the church, day. The kids race towards the church]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Come on, hurry up! 

                                     STAN
                          Oh no! It's locked!

                                     CARTMAN
                          What? No! It shouldn't be locked! We 
                         have to confess! We have to confess 
                         our sins before we die!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hey, there's a window in the back that's 
                         usually open. 
 
                                     STAN
                          Confession box is over there! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm first, I'm first! 

                                     WOMAN
                         Oh, huhuh.

                                     CARTMAN
                          What the? 

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Whoa!  Son of a bitch!

                                     WOMAN
                          Eh, heheheheheheh.

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                          Uhuh. Kids, uh.

                                     STAN
                         You're a sinner!

                                     CARTMAN
                         You're doing unnatural things in the 
                         house of God!
 
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Oh! Huh huh. Huh huh.  Oh, forgive me, 
                         heavenly Father! I've sinned against 
                         you!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, this guy is so gonna burn!

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         M-Mrs. Donovan is a temptress from hell! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, if this guy's goin' to hell, who's 
                         gonna save us?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, it looks like we're gonna have 
                         to save Timmy, Kyle, and everyone else 
                         in this town from the angry hand of 
                         God ourselves!
 
               [Hell. Satan walks down its streets]

                                     DAMNED SOUL
                         Oh, the pain! Oh, the pain! 

                                     SATAN
                          No, I can't.  What am I doing? I know 
                         this is the wrong thing to do. I could 
                         lose Chris. I can't do this.  I can't 
                         do this. 
 
               [South Park, day. A street corner. Cartman holds court on a soapbox. 
               At least 17 other kids surround him. Some adults look at the 
               action from across the street]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         We have-uh repeatedly broken God's commandments-uh! 
                         We have lived our lives for ourselves-uh! 
                         Totally ignoring the Lord-uh!  If thy 
                         hand offend thee, cut it off!  It is 
                         much better for thee to enter into life 
                         maimed-
 
                                     RANDY
                         Oh, what the hell are they doing now?!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         -than having two hands to go into hell-uh,-
 
                         
                                     SISTER ANNE
                          Oh no.

                                     CARTMAN
                         -into the fire that will never be quenched!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Pamphlet. Pamphlet. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         There is only one answer! As kids we 
                         must abandon this town of sin and start 
                         anew!
 
                                     GIRL
                         I don't wanna to go to hell. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         It will be a long road, but at the end 
                         of that road is Salvation! And I am 
                         going to lead you there!
 
               THE END

Do The Handicapped Go To Hell



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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