"DOUCHE AND TURD"
[South Park Elementary, day. Grass shows up around the edges
of the snow-covered lawns and around the flagpole.]
[The school gym. Six cheerleaders, all fourth-graders, lead a
Pep Rally '04.]
We are South Park, Green and White.
Let's go, Cows! Fight fight fight! Nobody
can beat a Cow! Let's gooo, South Park!
Hey, South Park! Do you have school
I think us Cows have the best school
spirit. Huh, Mandy?
Yeah, and South Park is really gonna
stick it to Littleton next week!
Let's bring out our mascot and get this
pep rally going!
It's Billy! Uh, Billy will wave for
me! Wave for me, Billy!
BLONDE PETA WOMAN
We are People for the Ethical Treatment
of Animals! We protest your insensitive
use of cows as your school mascot!
Oh Jesus, not PETA again.
DREADLOCKED PETA MAN
Culled or maimed and slaughtered and
used as a commodity!
BLOND PETA MAN
This is unfair to the cows! This is
MAN WEARING GAS MASK
The cow is a slave! The cow is a commodity!
To be thrown away by a society gone
[Mr. Garrison's class, day. The class is seated]
All right, children, I have just been
informed that since our school has been
attacked by eco-terrorists for the 47th
time, we are going to change our school
Buh, Mr. Garrision, if we change our
mascot, that means the eco-terrorists
That's right, Stanley, the eco-terrorists
win. Now, I have here a mascot selection
sheet. Every student is supposed to
check the box next to the mascot they
like the most. And the most popular
selection will be the school's new mascot.
But we like being the Cows!
DREADLOCKED PETA MAN
You're responsible for the enslavement
and genocide of millions!
Get, get outta here, PETA! We're changin'
the mascot already!
DREADLOCKED PETA MAN
Who'll speak for those who cannot speak
Go on, get, get outta here! Get, get
out! Jesus, where do they keep coming
from?? Go on, get outta here.
This is bullcrap, dude!
Now children, it's not that bad. There's
plenty of great new mascots on the sheet
to chose from. The Hurricanes, the Blizzards,
the Redskins, the Indians...
But aren't Indians and Redskins just
No, those are fine. PETA doesn't care
[The school hallway]
Goddamnit PETAns piss me off! We're
never gonna end up with a stupid eagle
or a faggy bobcat as a mascot.
Wait. You guys, I have an awesome idea!
We should secretly go around and tell
all the students we can to not check
any of the mascots on this election
sheet, and instead write in "Giant Douche."
(Yeah, totally awesome!)
Yeh- no, no, wait wait wait. I got a
better idea you guys. What we should
do is we should secretly go around and
tell all the students we can to not
check any of the mascots on this election
sheet, and instead write in "Turd Sandwich."
Turd Sandwich isn't better than Giant
Heh, it's only about a thousand times
better, am I right guys? Come on! We
have to tell everybody fast! This is
gonna be soo funny!
It was MY idea and we're gonna tell
everyone to write in "Giant Douche!"
It's way funnier!
IT IS NOT!!!
Kenny, what's funnier? A giant douche
or a turd sandwich?
Aw, you're just saying that because
I broke your cat's leg last week.
Stan, do you pick giant douche or turd
Dude, I really don't care.
That's two against one, 'cause Stan
doesn't care. So it's giant douche.
...Wait wait, what about Butters?
You hate Butters.
Goddamnit you guys, Butters is our friend!
And he's allowed to have his opinion!
Butters, which is funnier? A stupid
not-funny giant douche or a super funny
Hahaa, a turd sandwich!
You misled him, fatass!
It's the best choice, and me and Butters
are sticking with it.
Yeah! ...What's this for?
Jimmy, we're gonna have everyone write
in a mascot that's really funny, and
you have to tell us which one would
That''s a... fantastic idea fellas.
Uh, the key to successful humor is s-
staying power. Uh tell me the first
A giant douche.
Heh, huh okay, that's pretty funny.
Now, what's the second?
A turd sandwich.
Turhr... Ohokahay. Okay, now let's wait
ten seconds. Okay now, t-tell me the
first one again?
And the second?
Gee, th-they're both screamingly funny,
fellas. Uhhhbetter give it another ten
seconds. All right, now we'll see which
one really has staying power. Number
A giant douche.
Okay, I think, that's it. Number 2?
Gee, I don't know what to say, fellas.
They're both instant classics. But I
guess I'll have to go with giant douche,
simply because the fact that it's a
giant renders it useless, adding a parody
slant to the satire.
Ohhh, we lost?
All right, it's decided. Let's all write
in "Giant Douche."
Okay. You win, Kyle.
[The school gym. The students once again assembles on the bleachers.
Mr. Garrison stands before the big-screen TV used in the rally
earlier, and the TV reads "New School Mascot '04"]
Attention students, we have tallied
your mascot nomination sheets, and there
will now be a school-wide vote between
the top two nominations. So here is
the first most-requested candidate,
a giant douche.
Go giant douche!
Hey, South Park! Have we got school
spirit?? We've got spirit, yes we do!
Giant douches, me and you! Let's gooooo,
And now your second nominee, Turd Sandwich.
All right turd sandwich!
Cartman? What the hell??
Giant Douche sucks!
We've got spirit, yes we do! We are
sandwiches filled with poo! Yeeaahhh!
Students can now cast their choice between
the Giant Douche and the Turd Sandwich.
We'll count up the votes on Tuesday.
You won't get more votes than us, asshole!
Dream on, Jew boy!
Yeah, dream on, Jew boy!
[The front doors of the school. Stan and Kenny flank the entrance
and hand out buttons as the other kids come out]
Be sure to vote for Giant Douche.
(Giant Douche! Vote for him!)
Giant Douche is your man!
Kyle, aren't you taking this a little
too far? I mean, do we really want a
giant douche to be our school mascot?
Dude, I'm not going to lose to Cartman's
stupid turd sandwich.
Vote for Turd Sandwich. This is the
most important election of our lives.
Turd Sandwich brings us hope for change.
A vote for Turd Sandwich is a Vote for
There. Do you really want that asshole
I'm not voting!
What? Y-you gotta vote, dude. Haven't
you seen the Rock the Vote stuff or,
or Puff Daddy's Vote or Die??
I just think this whole thing is stupid!
Kenny, we have got to make Stan understand
the importance of voting, because he'll
definitely vote for our guy.
[The Marsh house, dinnertime. The family is gathered at table,
with Grandpa at one end, Randy at the other. Sharon comes in
with plates and the main course]
How was school today, Stanley?
It was ridiculous. We have to have a
new school mascot and we're supposed
to vote between a giant douche and a
...What did you say?
Did you just say that... voting is ridiculous?
No, I think voting is great, but, if
I have to choose between a douche and
a turd, I just don't see the point.
You don't see the point!! Oh you young
people just make me sick!
Stanley, do you know how many people
died so you could have the right to
Mom, a-I just don't think there's much
of a difference between a douche and
a turd. I d-I don't care.
You don't care?! You really want a
turd sandwich as your school mascot?!
On your football helmets?! A turd?!
Well, hold on, Randy, I think a turd
sandwich is a little better than them
having a giant douche on their uniforms.
You're crazy!! A d-a douche is at least
It's sexist is what it is!
You don't understand the issues, Sharon!
Are you calling me ignorant??
You think the school mascot should be
a turd sandwich? Well you're not exactly
I am sick of you belittling my opinion,
you son of a bitch!
I hate this family, I hate it!
Your friend Kyle said you don't understand
the importance of voting.
Apparently you haven't heard of my "Vote
or Die" campaign.
"Vote or Die"? What the hell does that
What you think it means, bitch!
[Music video. Stan is running down the street. An open-roof car
pops up behind him and bears down on him]
Vote or die, mother_, mother_er, vote
Rock the vote or else I'm gonna stick
a knife through your eye.
Democracy is founded on one simple rule!
[Overhead shot of Puff Daddy, dressed in a white suit, then in
a black suit.]
Get out there and vote or I will mother__
[at a polling station encouraging one female voter]
I like it when you vote, bitch! (bitch!)
Shake them titties when you vote, bitch! (bitch!)
[seated as two women dance for him, their asses in his face]
I slam my jimmy through your mouth roof
[gently spanks a woman as she goes in to vote]
Now get your big ass in the pollin'
[Fish-eye overhead view of Puff Daddy. He shoves his gun into
I said vote, bitch, or I'll f_____ kill
[Stan runs until he sees a passageway between two buildings.
He does in to try to escape, but Puff Daddy and his crew find
Vote or die, mother_, mother_, vote
You can't run from a .38, go ahead and
[Puffy is seated in an armchair wearing a wig, surrounded by
women, all in front of a Vegas-style sign saying "DIDDY"]
Let your opinion be heard! You gotta
make a choice
[raps to a chrome reflection]
'Cause after I slit your throat you
won't have a f____ voice
[Stan runs again, looking behind him, but runs into a gun in
'Vote or die! Vote or die!
[Puff Daddy's gun is joined by the guns of his posse. Stan is
looking at five barrels]
Okay. I'll vote.
[Cartman and Butters begin door-to-door campaigning. Cartman
knocks on a door and Clyde answers.]
What do you guys want?
We were just wondering who you might
be voting for, for the school's new
I haven't decided yet.
Oh really? Well that's interesting.
You certainly should think about it
and make the right decision. Butterscotch
Clyde, are you aware of what Turd Sandwich
can bring to our school?
A turd sandwich is not only the first
turd to be nominated school mascot,
but even the first, sandwich.
You see, what Turd Sandwich brings to
our school, Clyde, is a complete package.
The turd and the coin. And the lettuce,
and the olives.
Whe-whereas Giant Douche is just, well,
ju-just a, ju-ju-just a giant douche.
So, come voting day, you'll now most
likely vote for the turd sandwich, yes?
I'm still not totally sure.
Well then, perhaps we could interest
you in another butterscotch candy?
[South Park Elementary, now a polling station. A "Vote for School
Mascot!" hangs on the back wall and over the hallway. A reluctant
Kyle takes a ballot, and Kyle smiles, thinking he has Stan on
You're doing the right thing, Stan.
Don't you feel like you're a part of
Look, it may not seem important now,
but your vote really does count, and
we all have to do our part.
Look... wait, what are you doing?
No, no, you... you wrote down Turd Sandwich.
Yeah, I know.
...Dude, you're supposed to vote for
I thoght I was supposed to make my
Well yeah, but not if your decision
is for Turd Sandwich! What the hell
is wrong with you?!
Wait a minute, you didn't want me to
vote, you wanted me to vote for your
Well, I just figured you'd vote for
my guy! Who's fuckin' friend are you?!
Hey, fuck off, Kyle. Don't let them
intimidate you, Stan. I'll help walk
you to the booth. And then I'm gonna
buy you a niiice steak dinner with all
Oh forget it! I'm not gonna be persuaded
into voting and I'm and I'm not gonna
be threatened into voting if I don't
feel comfortable with it! I'm not gonna
vote and you can all just live with
[The Principal's Office, later]
We've simply had it with your son, Mr.
and Mrs. Marsh. Voting just doesn't
appear to be important to 'im.
Stanley, when you left for school this
morning, you said you were going to
The whole thing is a joke!
You see? He's out of control. It's nearly
torn our whole family apart.
Well, my hands are tied. We can no longer
have Stan's behavior jeopardizing the
other children. He must be removed.
Ogh! Are you happy now, Stan? You just
got yourself suspended!
Nno, I'm afraid it's worse than that.
By county law I'm bound to enforce the
harshest punishment possible.
You can appeal to the city council,
but I don't think it'll do any good.
Your son must leave South Park, never
Our son, banished. Where did we go wrong??
Ya... you're all joking, right?
[A moonlit partly-cloudy night in South Park. The townsfolk are
gathered at the edge of town, with Stan facing them all alone.
A horse stands at the ready on one side of Main Street.]
As it was in the times of our forefathers,
so it is now. Stan Marsh, for not following
our most sacred of rites, you are hereby
banished from South Park for all eternity.
Or until you decide that voting is important.
Good-bye, Stan. May the gods treat you
more kindly than we did.
Stan, don't you think this has gone
far enough? Is it really that big a
deal? Yeah, just vote. For Giant Douche.
I'm not voting!
You, Puffy man, are we just gonna let
this happen? We've gots to kill this
No, Justacious, let him go. He won't
survive a fortnight in the wilderness.
This is breaking your mother's heart,
Stan. She couldn't even help tie you
to the horse.
Dad, isn't this a little extreme?
Jesus. I guess maybe you'll never understand
how important voting is. Goodbye, Stan.
That's... one of the hardest things
a parent ever has to do.
[A plain, night. Stan rides into the night and into the morning
on the plain, then through a desert, then into a forest. A group
of people appear and spot him]
Look! What is that?
Oh, the poor thing!
Don't worry, we'll free you.
Just sit still for a moment.
Oh thank God.
Get offa him, you filthy human!
Poor thing needs water.
You'er safe now.
Shame on you, making this horse your
Come, you can live with us.
We will give you food and shelter.
What about me?
OPEN THE GATE!
This poor creature is in need of food
You have a home here, friend.
The... kid wants to stay, too.
I was put on the horse. I didn't wanna
I don't know if you can stay. We'll
have to ask Dr. Cornwallis. Come. We
don't normally allow outsiders. See,
here we live in harmony with animals.
They're not our pets but our fellow
living beings. We work with the animals
and try to live as they do. We make
friends with the animals. We coexist,
and we... intermarry. This is my wife,
Janice. The outside world looks down
on a man marrying a llama, but our love
knows no boundaries.
Wow, you guys really love animals.
And why not? Mark here has been with
Kelly for three years now. And Gary
and Sally here have just managed to
have a child together.
Yes, life here is good and natural.
But now that you know where our compound
is, you'll either have to live with
us, or be murdered.
I'll live with you.
It's not up to you. You'll have to talk
with Dr. Cornwallis. What did he say?
He said I can stay
Excellent! Dr. Cornwallis is wise beyond
his year. Here's your PETA shirt and
a bumper sticker.
This is Debate 2004 with your host,
Welcome to the cable-access televised
debate between a giant douche and a
turd sandwich We'll start with Giant
Douche. Sir, some students and parents
are reluctant to have a... giant douche
represent them. What do you say to those
Jim, first of all I would like to thank
you for monitoring this debate. And
I would like to thank all of the students
and their parents for coming.
Aww, suck-up, suck-up! What?! It's
an obvious suck-up move.
But I would hope that those students
and their parents who question my qualities
would simply look at my opponent. He
is a turd sandwich
You're a turd sandwich.
... No, sir, if you'll pardon me, you
are in fact, the turd sandwich.
You're a turd sandwich.
... Sir, you are a turd sandwich.
You're a turd sandwich.
Ahh, Turd Sandwich, I will ask you not
to speak out of turn.
I I'm sorry, Jim.
Anyway, as I was saying, ahh... wait,
I I forgot what I was saying.
Ha. Wha-hat a douche.
All right, Turd Sandwich, this next
question is for you. How should South
Park Elementary enforce its laws of
conduct for young athletes during sporting
... Uh you know, uh, my opponent wouldn't
even know the answer to that question.
If you ask him the same question, he
would not answer it. He would stand
around and just babble on and on about
nothing until he was finally saved by
the buzzer sound.
Your time is up, Turd.
[The PETA compound, next morning. Stan scrubs away at the empty
tubs and buckets of food the animals ate from the previous day.
The bald man approachs]
Stan, I want to introduce you to my
stepdaughter, Teresa. She seems to
have taken a liking to you. And she's
Ahh no thanks, that's okay.
Stan, some PETA members are growing
concerned that maybe you don't love
I do love animals, just ...nnot like
you guys do.
You... don't belong here, Stan. You
should return home.
I can't. I was banished for not voting.
But, why on earth wouldn't you wanna
I think voting is great. I just didn't
care this time because it was between
a giant douche and a turd sandwich.
But Stan, don't you know, it's always
between a giant douche and a turd sandwich.
Nearly every election since the beginning
of time has been between some douche
and some turd. They're the only people
who suck up enough to make it that far
I guess... I guess you're right.
Yo, what did I say was going to happen
to you, bitch?
MAN IN SHORTS
Aaaah!! He's wearing the skin of an
animal! Take that! I... hope that
teaches you a lesson about being hurt.
Vote or die!
Protect the animals! Protect the animals!
Janice, we shall die together in each
Kill me! Kill meee!!
[South Park Elementary polling station. Mr. Mackey tallies up
M'kay, that's one more vote for Turd
So who won, Mr. Mackey?
It's pretty close, but it looks like
Giant Douche is gonna win.
Oh no! NOOO!!
HA! You lose, fatass!
Uh hey, wait a minute!
Stan, you came back. Does that mean...
you learned the importance of voting?
I learned that I'd better get used to
having to pick between a douche and
a turd sandwich because it's usually
the choice I'll have.
He's going to vote!!
He's going to vote. He's going to vote.
Let's get out the vote! Let's make our
We've been given the right to choose between a douche and a turd.
It's democracy in action! Put your freedom to the test.
A big fat turd or a stupid douche. Which do you like best?
Stan's vote bring the total votes for
Turd Sandwich to... thirty six! And
Giant Douche has... one thousand four
hundred and ten. Giant Douche still
Yeah! All right!
Dude, so my vote didn't even really
Hey! That's not true, Stan.
You can't judge the merits of voting
on whether or not your candidate won.
Your vote still mattered.
Hey everybody! They just found all
the PETA members murdered at their compound!
What the? They're all dead? Well, that
That we can go back to being the South
Hooray! All right!
Naw, your vote didn't matter.