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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                     Episode 808


                                  "DOUCHE AND TURD"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [South Park Elementary, day. Grass shows up around the edges 
               of the snow-covered lawns and around the flagpole.]
 
               [The school gym. Six cheerleaders, all fourth-graders, lead a 
               Pep Rally '04.]
 
                                     CHEERLEADERS
                         We are South Park, Green and White. 
                         Let's go, Cows! Fight fight fight! Nobody 
                         can beat a Cow! Let's gooo, South Park! 
                         
 
                                     RED
                         Hey, South Park! Do you have school 
                         spirit?
 
                                     STUDENTS
                          Moooooooo!

                                     BEBE
                         I think us Cows have the best school 
                         spirit. Huh, Mandy?
 
                                     MANDY
                          Yeah, and South Park is really gonna 
                         stick it to Littleton next week!
 
                                     BEBE
                         Let's bring out our mascot and get this 
                         pep rally going! 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         It's Billy! Uh, Billy will wave for 
                         me! Wave for me, Billy! 
 
                                     BLONDE PETA WOMAN
                          We are People for the Ethical Treatment 
                         of Animals! We protest your insensitive 
                         use of cows as your school mascot!
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh Jesus, not PETA again.

                                     DREADLOCKED PETA MAN
                          Culled or maimed and slaughtered and 
                         used as a commodity! 
 
                                     BLOND PETA MAN
                          This is unfair to the cows! This is 
                         your insensitivity!
 
                                     STUDENTS
                         EWWW! 

                                     MAN WEARING GAS MASK
                         The cow is a slave! The cow is a commodity! 
                         To be thrown away by a society gone 
                         wrong!
 
               [Mr. Garrison's class, day. The class is seated]

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         All right, children, I have just been 
                         informed that since our school has been 
                         attacked by eco-terrorists for the 47th 
                         time, we are going to change our school 
                         mascot.
 
                                     CLASS
                         AWWWWWWWWW!!!

                                     STAN
                         Buh, Mr. Garrision, if we change our 
                         mascot, that means the eco-terrorists 
                         win!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         That's right, Stanley, the eco-terrorists 
                         win.  Now, I have here a mascot selection 
                         sheet. Every student is supposed to 
                         check the box next to the mascot they 
                         like the most. And the most popular 
                         selection will be the school's new mascot.
 
                         
                                     CLYDE
                         But we like being the Cows! 

                                     DREADLOCKED PETA MAN
                         You're responsible for the enslavement 
                         and genocide of millions!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Get, get outta here, PETA! We're changin' 
                         the mascot already!
 
                                     DREADLOCKED PETA MAN
                         Who'll speak for those who cannot speak 
                         for themselves??
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Go on, get, get outta here!  Get, get 
                         out!  Jesus, where do they keep coming 
                         from??  Go on, get outta here.
 
                                     STAN
                         This is bullcrap, dude!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Now children, it's not that bad. There's 
                         plenty of great new mascots on the sheet 
                         to chose from. The Hurricanes, the Blizzards, 
                         the Redskins, the Indians...
 
                                     WENDY
                         But aren't Indians and Redskins just 
                         as offensive?
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         No, those are fine. PETA doesn't care 
                         about people.
 
               [The school hallway]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Goddamnit PETAns piss me off! We're 
                         never gonna end up with a stupid eagle 
                         or a faggy bobcat as a mascot.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Wait. You guys, I have an awesome idea! 
                         We should secretly go around and tell 
                         all the students we can to not check 
                         any of the mascots on this election 
                         sheet, and instead write in "Giant Douche."
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ye-heah!

                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah, totally awesome!)

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeh- no, no, wait wait wait. I got a 
                         better idea you guys. What we should 
                         do is we should secretly go around and 
                         tell all the students we can to not 
                         check any of the mascots on this election 
                         sheet, and instead write in "Turd Sandwich."
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Turd Sandwich isn't better than Giant 
                         Douche.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Heh, it's only about a thousand times 
                         better, am I right guys? Come on! We 
                         have to tell everybody fast! This is 
                         gonna be soo funny!
 
                                     KYLE
                         It was MY idea and we're gonna tell 
                         everyone to write in "Giant Douche!" 
                         It's way funnier!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         IT IS NOT!!!

                                     KYLE
                         Kenny, what's funnier? A giant douche 
                         or a turd sandwich?
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Giant douche.)

                                     CARTMAN
                         Aw, you're just saying that because 
                         I broke your cat's leg last week.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Stan, do you pick giant douche or turd 
                         sandwich?
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, I really don't care. 

                                     KYLE
                          That's two against one, 'cause Stan 
                         doesn't care. So it's giant douche.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          ...Wait wait, what about Butters?
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Huh?

                                     KYLE
                         You hate Butters.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Goddamnit you guys, Butters is our friend! 
                         And he's allowed to have his opinion! 
                         Butters, which is funnier? A stupid 
                         not-funny giant douche or a super funny 
                         turd sandwich?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hahaa, a turd sandwich!

                                     KYLE
                         You misled him, fatass!

                                     CARTMAN
                         It's the best choice, and me and Butters 
                         are sticking with it.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Yeah! ...What's this for? 

                                     KYLE
                         Jimmy, we're gonna have everyone write 
                         in a mascot that's really funny, and 
                         you have to tell us which one would 
                         be funnier..
 
                                     JIMMY
                         That''s a... fantastic idea fellas. 
                         Uh, the key to successful humor is s- 
                         staying power. Uh tell me the first 
                         mascot idea.
 
                                     KYLE
                         A giant douche.

                                     JIMMY
                         Heh, huh okay, that's pretty funny. 
                         Now, what's the second?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         A turd sandwich.

                                     JIMMY
                         Turhr... Ohokahay. Okay, now let's wait 
                         ten seconds.  Okay now, t-tell me the 
                         first one again?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Giant douche.

                                     JIMMY
                          And the second?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Turd sandwich.

                                     JIMMY
                          Gee, th-they're both screamingly funny, 
                         fellas. Uhhhbetter give it another ten 
                         seconds. All right, now we'll see which 
                         one really has staying power. Number 
                         one?
 
                                     KYLE
                         A giant douche.

                                     JIMMY
                          Okay, I think, that's it. Number 2?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Turd sandwich.

                                     JIMMY
                          Gee, I don't know what to say, fellas. 
                         They're both instant classics. But I 
                         guess I'll have to go with giant douche, 
                         simply because the fact that it's a 
                         giant renders it useless, adding a parody 
                         slant to the satire.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         AWWWW!!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Ohhh, we lost?

                                     KYLE
                         All right, it's decided. Let's all write 
                         in "Giant Douche."
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay. You win, Kyle.

               [The school gym. The students once again assembles on the bleachers. 
               Mr. Garrison stands before the big-screen TV used in the rally 
               earlier, and the TV reads "New School Mascot '04"]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Attention students, we have tallied 
                         your mascot nomination sheets, and there 
                         will now be a school-wide vote between 
                         the top two nominations. So here is 
                         the first most-requested candidate, 
                         a giant douche. 
 
                                     KYLE, KENNY
                         Go giant douche!

                                     GIANT DOUCHE
                         Hey, South Park! Have we got school 
                         spirit??  We've got spirit, yes we do! 
                         Giant douches, me and you! Let's gooooo, 
                         Douches! 
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         And now your second nominee, Turd Sandwich. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         All right turd sandwich!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeah!

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman? What the hell??

                                     CARTMAN
                         Giant Douche sucks!

                                     TURD SANDWICH
                         We've got spirit, yes we do! We are 
                         sandwiches filled with poo! Yeeaahhh! 
                         
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Students can now cast their choice between 
                         the Giant Douche and the Turd Sandwich. 
                         We'll count up the votes on Tuesday.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         You won't get more votes than us, asshole!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Dream on, Jew boy!

                                     ERIC
                         Yeah, dream on, Jew boy! 

               [The front doors of the school. Stan and Kenny flank the entrance 
               and hand out buttons as the other kids come out]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Be sure to vote for Giant Douche.

                                     KENNY
                         (Giant Douche! Vote for him!)

                                     KYLE
                         Giant Douche is your man!

                                     STAN
                          Kyle, aren't you taking this a little 
                         too far? I mean, do we really want a 
                         giant douche to be our school mascot?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, I'm not going to lose to Cartman's 
                         stupid turd sandwich. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Vote for Turd Sandwich. This is the 
                         most important election of our lives. 
                          Turd Sandwich brings us hope for change. 
                         A vote for Turd Sandwich is a Vote for 
                         Tomorrow!
 
                                     KYLE
                         There. Do you really want that asshole 
                         to win?
 
                                     STAN
                         I'm not voting!

                                     KYLE
                         What? Y-you gotta vote, dude. Haven't 
                         you seen the Rock the Vote stuff or, 
                         or Puff Daddy's Vote or Die??
 
                                     STAN
                         I just think this whole thing is stupid! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Kenny, we have got to make Stan understand 
                         the importance of voting, because he'll 
                         definitely vote for our guy.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah.)

               [The Marsh house, dinnertime. The family is gathered at table, 
               with Grandpa at one end, Randy at the other. Sharon comes in 
               with plates and the main course]
 
                                     SHARON
                         How was school today, Stanley?

                                     STAN
                         It was ridiculous. We have to have a 
                         new school mascot and we're supposed 
                         to vote between a giant douche and a 
                         turd sandwich.
 
                                     SHARON
                         ...What did you say?

                                     RANDY
                         Did you just say that... voting is ridiculous?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         No, I think voting is great, but, if 
                         I have to choose between a douche and 
                         a turd, I just don't see the point.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                          You don't see the point!! Oh you young 
                         people just make me sick!
 
                                     SHARON
                         Stanley, do you know how many people 
                         died so you could have the right to 
                         vote?!
 
                                     STAN
                         Mom, a-I just don't think there's much 
                         of a difference between a douche and 
                         a turd. I d-I don't care.
 
                                     RANDY
                          You don't care?! You really want a 
                         turd sandwich as your school mascot?! 
                         On your football helmets?! A turd?!
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         Well, hold on, Randy, I think a turd 
                         sandwich is a little better than them 
                         having a giant douche on their uniforms.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         You're crazy!! A d-a douche is at least 
                         clean!
 
                                     SHARON
                         It's sexist is what it is!

                                     RANDY
                         You don't understand the issues, Sharon!
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         Are you calling me ignorant??

                                     RANDY
                         You think the school mascot should be 
                         a turd sandwich? Well you're not exactly 
                         Einstein!
 
                                     SHARON
                         I am sick of you belittling my opinion, 
                         you son of a bitch! 
 
                                     SHELLEY
                          I hate this family, I hate it! 

                                     STAN
                         Puff Daddy?

                                     PUFF DADDY
                         Your friend Kyle said you don't understand 
                         the importance of voting.
 
                                     STAN
                         I...

                                     PUFF DADDY
                         Apparently you haven't heard of my "Vote 
                         or Die" campaign. 
 
                                     STAN
                         "Vote or Die"?  What the hell does that 
                         even mean?!
 
                                     PUFF DADDY
                          What you think it means, bitch!

                                     STAN
                         AAAAH!!

               [Music video. Stan is running down the street. An open-roof car 
               pops up behind him and bears down on him]
 
                                     POSSE
                         Vote or die, mother_, mother_er, vote 
                         or die!
 
                                     PUFF DADDY
                         Rock the vote or else I'm gonna stick 
                         a knife through your eye.
 
                                     POSSE
                         Democracy is founded on one simple rule!
 
                         
               [Overhead shot of Puff Daddy, dressed in a white suit, then in 
               a black suit.]
 
                                     PUFF DADDY
                         Get out there and vote or I will mother__ 
                         kill you.
 
               Yeh.

               [at a polling station encouraging one female voter]

                                     PUFF DADDY
                         I like it when you vote, bitch! (bitch!)
 
                         
               Shake them titties when you vote, bitch! (bitch!)

               [seated as two women dance for him, their asses in his face]
 
               
                                     PUFF DADDY
                         I slam my jimmy through your mouth roof 
                         (mouth roof)
 
               [gently spanks a woman as she goes in to vote]

                                     PUFF DADDY
                         Now get your big ass in the pollin' 
                         booth.
 
               [Fish-eye overhead view of Puff Daddy. He shoves his gun into 
               the camera]
 
                                     PUFF DADDY
                         I said vote, bitch, or I'll f_____ kill 
                         you!
 
               [Stan runs until he sees a passageway between two buildings. 
               He does in to try to escape, but Puff Daddy and his crew find 
               him]
 
                                     POSSE
                         Vote or die, mother_, mother_, vote 
                         or die!
 
                                     PUFF DADDY
                         You can't run from a .38, go ahead and 
                         try!
 
               [Puffy is seated in an armchair wearing a wig, surrounded by 
               women, all in front of a Vegas-style sign saying "DIDDY"]
 
                                     POSSE
                         Let your opinion be heard! You gotta 
                         make a choice
 
               [raps to a chrome reflection]

                                     PUFF DADDY
                         'Cause after I slit your throat you 
                         won't have a f____ voice
 
               [Stan runs again, looking behind him, but runs into a gun in 
               his face]
 
                                     PUFF DADDY
                         'Vote or die! Vote or die!

               [Puff Daddy's gun is joined by the guns of his posse. Stan is 
               looking at five barrels]
 
                                     STAN
                         Okay. I'll vote.

               [Cartman and Butters begin door-to-door campaigning. Cartman 
               knocks on a door and Clyde answers.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hello, Clyde.

                                     CLYDE
                         What do you guys want?

                                     CARTMAN
                         We were just wondering who you might 
                         be voting for, for the school's new 
                         mascot.
 
                                     CLYDE
                         I haven't decided yet.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh really? Well that's interesting. 
                         You certainly should think about it 
                         and make the right decision.  Butterscotch 
                         candy?
 
                                     CLYDE
                          Sure. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Clyde, are you aware of what Turd Sandwich 
                         can bring to our school?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         A turd sandwich is not only the first 
                         turd to be nominated school mascot, 
                         but even the first, sandwich. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You see, what Turd Sandwich brings to 
                         our school, Clyde, is a complete package. 
                         The turd and the coin. And the lettuce, 
                         and the olives.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Whe-whereas Giant Douche is just, well, 
                         ju-just a, ju-ju-just a giant douche.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         So, come voting day, you'll now most 
                         likely vote for the turd sandwich, yes?
 
                         
                                     CLYDE
                          I'm still not totally sure.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well then, perhaps we could interest 
                         you in  another butterscotch candy? 
                         
 
               [South Park Elementary, now a polling station. A "Vote for School 
               Mascot!" hangs on the back wall and over the hallway. A reluctant 
               Kyle takes a ballot, and Kyle smiles, thinking he has Stan on 
               his side]
 
                                     KYLE
                         You're doing the right thing, Stan. 
                         Don't you feel like you're a part of 
                         something now?
 
                                     STAN
                         I guess... 

                                     KYLE
                         Look, it may not seem important now, 
                         but your vote really does count, and 
                         we all have to do our part.
 
                                     STAN
                         Okay. 

                                     KYLE
                         Look... wait, what are you doing?

                                     STAN
                         I'm voting.

                                     KYLE
                         No, no, you... you wrote down Turd Sandwich.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, I know.

                                     KYLE
                         ...Dude, you're supposed to vote for 
                         Giant Douche.
 
                                     STAN
                          I thoght I was supposed to make my 
                         own decision.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well yeah, but not if your decision 
                         is for Turd Sandwich! What the hell 
                         is wrong with you?!
 
                                     STAN
                         Wait a minute, you didn't want me to 
                         vote, you wanted me to vote for your 
                         guy!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well, I just figured you'd vote for 
                         my guy! Who's fuckin' friend are you?! 
                          Puffy!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hey, fuck off, Kyle.  Don't let them 
                         intimidate you, Stan. I'll help walk 
                         you to the booth. And then I'm gonna 
                         buy you a niiice steak dinner with all 
                         the trimmings.
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh forget it! I'm not gonna be persuaded 
                         into voting and I'm and I'm not gonna 
                         be threatened into voting if I don't 
                         feel comfortable with it! I'm not gonna 
                         vote and you can all just live with 
                         it!
 
               [The Principal's Office, later]

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         We've simply had it with your son, Mr. 
                         and Mrs. Marsh. Voting just doesn't 
                         appear to be important to 'im.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Stanley, when you left for school this 
                         morning, you said you were going to 
                         vote!
 
                                     STAN
                         The whole thing is a joke!

                                     SHARON
                         You see? He's out of control. It's nearly 
                         torn our whole family apart.
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Well, my hands are tied. We can no longer 
                         have Stan's behavior jeopardizing the 
                         other children. He must be removed.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Ogh! Are you happy now, Stan? You just 
                         got yourself suspended!
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Nno, I'm afraid it's worse than that. 
                         By county law I'm bound to enforce the 
                         harshest punishment possible.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Expulsion??

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         No. Banishment.

                                     STAN
                         B-bani-banishment?

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         You can appeal to the city council, 
                         but I don't think it'll do any good. 
                         Your son must leave South Park, never 
                         to return.
 
                                     SHARON
                          Oh, Randy!

                                     RANDY
                         Our son, banished. Where did we go wrong?? 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Ya... you're all joking, right?

               [A moonlit partly-cloudy night in South Park. The townsfolk are 
               gathered at the edge of town, with Stan facing them all alone. 
               A horse stands at the ready on one side of Main Street.]
 
                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                          As it was in the times of our forefathers, 
                         so it is now. Stan Marsh, for not following 
                         our most sacred of rites, you are hereby 
                         banished from South Park for all eternity. 
                         Or until you decide that voting is important. 
                         Good-bye, Stan. May the gods treat you 
                         more kindly than we did. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Stan, don't you think this has gone 
                         far enough? Is it really that big a 
                         deal?  Yeah, just vote. For Giant Douche.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         I'm not voting! 

                                     A BODYGUARD
                         You, Puffy man, are we just gonna let 
                         this happen?  We've gots to kill this 
                         non-votin' fool!
 
                                     PUFF DADDY
                         No, Justacious, let him go. He won't 
                         survive a fortnight in the wilderness. 
                         
 
                                     RANDY
                         This is breaking your mother's heart, 
                         Stan. She couldn't even help tie you 
                         to the horse.
 
                                     STAN
                         Dad, isn't this a little extreme?

                                     RANDY
                         Jesus. I guess maybe you'll never understand 
                         how important voting is.  Goodbye, Stan. 
                          That's... one of the hardest things 
                         a parent ever has to do.
 
               [A plain, night. Stan rides into the night and into the morning 
               on the plain, then through a desert, then into a forest. A group 
               of people appear and spot him]
 
                                     A MAN
                         Look! What is that?

                                     A WOMAN
                         Oh, the poor thing!

                                     STAN
                         Hello? 

                                     A WOMAN
                         Don't worry, we'll free you.

                                     A MAN
                         Just sit still for a moment.

                                     STAN
                         Oh thank God.

                                     A MAN
                         Get offa him, you filthy human! 

                                     BLONDE
                         Poor thing needs water.

                                     BEARDED MAN
                         You'er safe now.

                                     BLONDE
                         Shame on you, making this horse your 
                         slave. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Awww!

                                     BLONDE
                         Come, you can live with us.

                                     BEARDED MAN
                         We will give you food and shelter.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         What about me?

                                     BEARDED MAN
                         OPEN THE GATE! 

                                     BLONDE 2
                         This poor creature is in need of food 
                         and water.
 
                                     BALDING MAN
                          You have a home here, friend.

                                     BEARDED MAN
                         The... kid wants to stay, too.

                                     STAN
                         I was put on the horse. I didn't wanna 
                         ride it.
 
                                     BALDING MAN
                         I don't know if you can stay. We'll 
                         have to ask Dr. Cornwallis. Come.  We 
                         don't normally allow outsiders. See, 
                         here we live in harmony with animals. 
                         They're not our pets but our fellow 
                         living beings. We work with the animals 
                         and try to live as they do.  We make 
                         friends with the animals. We coexist, 
                         and we... intermarry.  This is my wife, 
                         Janice.  The outside world looks down 
                         on a man marrying a llama, but our love 
                         knows no boundaries. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Wow, you guys really love animals.
 
                         
                                     BALDING MAN
                          And why not? Mark here has been with 
                         Kelly for three years now.  And Gary 
                         and Sally here have just managed to 
                         have a child together. 
 
                                     OSTRICH-BABY
                         Kill me...

                                     BALDING MAN
                         Yes, life here is good and natural. 
                         But now that you know where our compound 
                         is, you'll either have to live with 
                         us, or be murdered. 
 
                                     STAN
                         I'll live with you.

                                     BALDING MAN
                         It's not up to you. You'll have to talk 
                         with Dr. Cornwallis.  What did he say?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         He said I can stay

                                     BALDING MAN
                         Excellent! Dr. Cornwallis is wise beyond 
                         his year. Here's your PETA shirt and 
                         a bumper sticker. 
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         This is Debate 2004 with your host, 
                         Jim Lehrer.
 
                                     JIM LEHRER
                         Welcome to the cable-access televised 
                         debate between a giant douche  and a 
                         turd sandwich  We'll start with Giant 
                         Douche. Sir, some students and parents 
                         are reluctant to have a... giant douche 
                         represent them. What do you say to those 
                         people?
 
                                     GIANT DOUCHE
                         Jim, first of all I would like to thank 
                         you for monitoring this debate. And 
                         I would like to thank all of the students 
                         and their parents for coming.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Aww, suck-up, suck-up!  What?! It's 
                         an obvious suck-up move.
 
                                     GIANT DOUCHE
                         But I would hope that those students 
                         and their parents who question my qualities 
                         would simply look at my opponent. He 
                         is a turd sandwich
 
                                     TURD SANDWICH
                          You're a turd sandwich.

                                     GIANT DOUCHE
                         ... No, sir, if you'll pardon me, you 
                         are in fact, the turd sandwich.
 
                                     TURD SANDWICH
                          You're a turd sandwich.

                                     GIANT DOUCHE
                         ... Sir, you are a turd sandwich.

                                     TURD SANDWICH
                          You're a turd sandwich.

                                     JIM LEHRER
                         Ahh, Turd Sandwich, I will ask you not 
                         to speak out of turn.
 
                                     TURD SANDWICH
                         I I'm sorry, Jim.

                                     GIANT DOUCHE
                         Anyway, as I was saying, ahh... wait, 
                         I I forgot what I was saying.
 
                                     TURD SANDWICH
                         Ha. Wha-hat a douche.

                                     JIM LEHRER
                         All right, Turd Sandwich, this next 
                         question is for you. How should South 
                         Park Elementary enforce its laws of 
                         conduct for young athletes during sporting 
                         events.
 
                                     TURD SANDWICH
                          ... Uh you know, uh, my opponent wouldn't 
                         even know the answer to that question. 
                         If you ask him the same question, he 
                         would not answer it.  He would stand 
                         around and just babble on and on about 
                         nothing until he was finally saved by 
                         the buzzer sound. 
 
                                     JIM LEHRER
                         Your time is up, Turd.

               [The PETA compound, next morning. Stan scrubs away at the empty 
               tubs and buckets of food the animals ate from the previous day. 
               The bald man approachs]
 
                                     BALDING MAN
                         Stan, I want to introduce you to my 
                         stepdaughter, Teresa.  She seems to 
                         have taken a liking to you.  And she's 
                         ovulating.
 
                                     STAN
                         Ahh no thanks, that's okay.

                                     BALDING MAN
                         Stan, some PETA members are growing 
                         concerned that maybe you don't love 
                         animals.
 
                                     STAN
                         I do love animals, just ...nnot like 
                         you guys do.
 
                                     BALDING MAN
                         You... don't belong here, Stan. You 
                         should return home.
 
                                     STAN
                         I can't. I was banished for not voting.
 
                         
                                     BALDING MAN
                         But, why on earth wouldn't you wanna 
                         vote?
 
                                     STAN
                         I think voting is great. I just didn't 
                         care this time because it was between 
                         a giant douche and a turd sandwich.
 
                         
                                     BALDING MAN
                         But Stan, don't you know, it's always 
                         between a giant douche and a turd sandwich. 
                         Nearly every election since the beginning 
                         of time has been between some douche 
                         and some turd. They're the only people 
                         who suck up enough to make it that far 
                         in politics.
 
                                     STAN
                         I guess... I guess you're right. 

                                     PUFF DADDY
                         Yo, what did I say was going to happen 
                         to you, bitch? 
 
                                     STAN
                          AAAAAH!

                                     MAN IN SHORTS
                          Aaaah!! He's wearing the skin of an 
                         animal!  Take that!  I... hope that 
                         teaches you a lesson about being hurt.
 
                         
                                     PUFF DADDY
                         Itius, Rodicus! 

                                     BODYGUARD
                         Vote or die!

                                     STAN
                          AAAAH!! 

                                     PETA MAN
                          Protect the animals! Protect the animals! 
                         
 
                                     BALDING MAN
                          Janice, we shall die together in each 
                         other's arms! 
 
                                     OSTRICH-BABY
                         Kill me! Kill meee!! 

               [South Park Elementary polling station. Mr. Mackey tallies up 
               the votes.]
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         M'kay, that's one more vote for Turd 
                         Sandwich.
 
                                     RANDY
                          So who won, Mr. Mackey?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         It's pretty close, but it looks like 
                         Giant Douche is gonna win.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh no! NOOO!!

                                     KYLE
                         HA! You lose, fatass!

                                     BUTTERS
                          Uh hey, wait a minute! 

                                     RANDY
                         Stan!

                                     SHARON
                         Stan, you came back. Does that mean... 
                         you learned the importance of voting?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         I learned that I'd better get used to 
                         having to pick between a douche and 
                         a turd sandwich because it's usually 
                         the choice I'll have.
 
                                     RANDY
                         He's going to vote!!

                                     TOWNSFOLK
                          He's going to vote. He's going to vote. 
                         
 
                                     SINGER
                         Let's get out the vote! Let's make our 
                         voices heard!
 
               We've been given the right to choose between a douche and a turd.
 
               
               It's democracy in action! Put your freedom to the test.

               A big fat turd or a stupid douche. Which do you like best?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          Stan's vote bring the total votes for 
                         Turd Sandwich to... thirty six! And 
                         Giant Douche has... one thousand four 
                         hundred and ten. Giant Douche still 
                         wins.
 
                                     SOME TOWNSFOLK
                         Yeah! All right!

                                     OTHER TOWNSFOLK
                         AWWWW!!

                                     STAN
                         Dude, so my vote didn't even really 
                         matter!
 
                                     RANDY
                         Hey! That's not true, Stan.

                                     SHARON
                          You can't judge the merits of voting 
                         on whether or not your candidate won.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                          Your vote still mattered.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Hey everybody!  They just found all 
                         the PETA members murdered at their compound! 
                         
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         What the? They're all dead? Well, that 
                         means...
 
                                     CLYDE
                         That we can go back to being the South 
                         Park Cows! 
 
                                     ALL
                         Hooray! All right!

                                     RANDY
                          Naw, your vote didn't matter.

               THE END

Douche And Turd



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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