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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                     Episode 907


                                    "ERECTION DAY"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings]

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         N'kay, kids, as your counselor, I know 
                         it can sometimes be difficult to talk 
                         about subjects like drugs and sex and 
                         alcohol, m'kay? So, as you remember, 
                         last week I told you to write down any 
                         difficult questions you had and put 
                         them in this box anonymously so we could 
                         discuss in class, m'kay? I got a lot 
                         o' responses, so let's read some aloud. 
                          "Mr. Mackey is gay."  Okay kids, that 
                         is not funny! Unkay?! This box is supposed 
                         to be used for serious questions! About, 
                         about serious issues! M'kay, let's let's 
                         stop the tomfoolery!  M'kay, this looks 
                         like a real one here.  "Dear Mr. Mackey, 
                         you are gay."  All right, all right. 
                         That's enough, kids. Let's quiet down 
                         and try to be mature, 'kay?  Uh here 
                         we go. Okay, "Mr. Mackey, sometimes 
                         my parents hit me, and you are gay." 
                          Damnit, is there not one serious question 
                         in here?!  "Mr. Mackey is gay, Mr. Mackey 
                         is gay"  Okay, here.  I am a boy at 
                         South Park Elementary. Sometimes, when 
                         I'm sitting in class, my penis becomes 
                         hard for no reason. What should I do? 
                          All right kids, all right kids, that's 
                         enough!  If you all can't be serious 
                         about the question box,  then we'll 
                         just do drug identification exercises, 
                         unkay?!
 
                                     CLASS
                         Awwwww!

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         M'kay, uhh, Jimmy, why don't you come 
                         up here and write down the names of 
                         two narcotics?
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Uh no, that that's okay, Mr. Mackey.
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Jimmy, I'm not asking you, I'm telling 
                         you!
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Uhhh, just uh uh ahh not right this 
                         second, Mr. Mackey.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Well why the hell not?!

                                     JIMMY
                         Uh... 

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         He's what... Oh, you do? R r right now, 
                         right now it is? on'kay, on'kay. Don't 
                         worry, Jimmy.  N'kay, uhhh, let's pick 
                         someone else, um. Eric, why don't you 
                         come up here?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, that's bullcrap?! How come Jimmy 
                         doesn't have to do it?!
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Well, because uh, Jimmy is pitching 
                         a tent right now. 
 
                                     STAN
                         He's what?? 

               [South Park Elementary hallway. Kids milling around notice a 
               poster on the pegboard among the lockers and talk amongst themselves.]
 
               
                                     STAN
                         A hundred dollar gift certificate to 
                         South Park Mall?  Maybe we should do 
                         the talent show.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well, what's the point? Jimmy always 
                         wins with his stand-up comedy.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Hey fellas.

                                     STAN
                         Dude, didja see, Jimmy? They're giving 
                         away a hundred dollar first prize for 
                         the talent show.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Oh I sure have. I've been working on 
                         my ruh... ruh,,, routine all year long
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         I don't know how you do it, dude. How 
                         do you get up in front of that many 
                         people?
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Well fellas, entertainment is my life. 
                         I love being in front of everyone.  
                         Aaah!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Huh wuh, what's the matter?

                                     JIMMY
                         I gotta guh, I gotta go! See ya fellas. 
                          Eh, excuse me! Evuh evuh - excuh, cuh, 
                         cuse me! Excuse me, puh-please. 
 
                                     CRAIG
                         It's occupied. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         No room at the inn, Virgin Mary. 

                                     BUTTERS
                          Hehey Jimmy!  M'boy, did you see that 
                         first prize for the talent show? Why 
                         you must be excited! You'll probably 
                         win like always.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Yeah. Yeah, I'm real excited. REAL escited... 
                         for some reason... Oh, Jesus! What's 
                         wrong with me?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Hey, who's droppin' bombs in there?! 
                         How about a courtesy flush?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Up yours, Butters.

               [Jimmy's house, afternoon. Jimmy walks through the door and sighs. 
               His parents are on the sofa. His mom reads a book, his dad a 
               newspaper]
 
                                     SARAH
                         Hey Jimmy, how was school?

                                     JIMMY
                         Fine, Mom.

                                     RYAN
                         Jimmy, we understand you're getting 
                         erections in the classroom.
 
                                     JIMMY
                          What? Uh who told you that?

                                     RYAN
                         Mr. Mackey, your counselor.

                                     JIMMY
                         Aw J-j-j-j...j-Jesus!

                                     RYAN
                         Now, Jimmy, it's nothing to be ashamed 
                         of. But we know it's something you might 
                         have a hard time talking about. Get 
                         it? A hard time. So, we took your counselor's 
                         advice 'nd called Doctor Pal to help 
                         us all talk about this.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Dz-n-Doctor Pal?

                                     DOCTOR PAL
                          Hey Jimmy, I'm Doctor Pal. That's because 
                         I'm a doctor, but I'm also your pal. 
                         Are we cool?
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Uh, sure?

                                     DOCTOR PAL
                         A lot of times parents call me in because 
                         I can relate to younger kids. I'm I'm 
                         down, I'm dope, you dig? Now, I understand 
                         you have some concerns about erections. 
                          "Oops, can't say erection in front 
                         of the parents right. Oh God, I feel 
                         so weird" huh?
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Well, a little, yes.

                                     DOCTOR PAL
                         Jimmy, there's nothing weird about random 
                         erections. Almost every boy goes through 
                         a phase where his penis becomes hard... 
                         for no particular reason. It's just 
                         part of grwoing up. Growing up? Growing 
                         out is more like it. 
 
                                     JIMMY
                         But I have to make it stop! The talent 
                         show is this F-Friday.
 
                                     DOCTOR PAL
                         Tell you what, Mom and Dad, why don't 
                         you skidaddle for a tick and let us 
                         hipsters talk in privo.
 
                                     RYAN
                         A-all right, come on, honey. 

                                     DOCTOR PAL
                         Jimmy, as you get older your body goes 
                         through a lot of changes. Certain hormones 
                         start to release as your whole reproductive 
                         system begins to awaken, and so, if 
                         you like, we can take off our shirts 
                         and kiss.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Ke...c-come again?

                                     DOCTOR PAL
                         Oh, hey, nothin', you see? See, that 
                         set you off on a different tangent, 
                         got you thinkin' a different way. That's 
                         what Doctor Pal is here to do.  Unless, 
                         of course, you think we should take 
                         off our shirts and kiss.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         N-no, I do NOT want to take off my shirt 
                         and kiss
 
                                     DOCTOR PAL
                         Well then to hell with you, kid. You 
                         can just deal with your problems on 
                         your own. 
 
               [Jimmy's house, night. He's fast asleep, and we see his dream]
 
               
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Next up for the talent show, put your 
                         hands together for the incredibly talented 
                         Jimmy Valmer! 
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Wow, what a what a great audience. So 
                         apparently Martha Stewart is out of 
                         jail. Have you have you heard about 
                         this, have you seen this? She's very 
                         excited to get started on her new show, 
                         "Martha Stewart Living, with an electronic 
                         ankle bracelet."  So it looks like the 
                         Vatican has finally chosen a new Pope. 
                         Have you seen this, have you heard about 
                         this?  A-a-apparently they're going 
                         to call him New Pope, a-and refer to 
                         John Paul as P-Pope Classic.  Uh,.. 
                         so it so it looks like Michael Jackson 
                         is having back problem in court.  You 
                         know... huh... you uh you know what 
                         they say about b-b-b-b-back problems. 
                          Uh, uh gee, what a terrific audience. 
                          What a fantastic audience.
 
                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         Don't worry, Jimmy. We're not laughing 
                         with you, we're laughing AT you. 
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                         Nuh uh! Wuh. Huh. Waaagh! Ungh! 

               [Butters' house, day. He's practicing his favorite song in the 
               garage with some help from his boom box. Jimmy approaches]
 
               
                                     BUTTERS
                         Lu Lu Lu, I've got some apples, Lu Lu 
                         Lu, you've got some too. Lu Lu Lu, let's 
                         get together, I know what we can do, 
                         Lu Lu.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Butters!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh! Oh hey, Jimmy.  I'm just practicin' 
                         for the talent show.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Butters, ah I really need to talk to 
                         somebody, and I think maybe you're the 
                         only person who won't make f-f-fun of 
                         me.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh Gosh, I'd never make fun of somebody 
                         with a problem.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Butters, do you know what you're supposed 
                         to do when your penis gets hard?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Well sure I do.

                                     JIMMY
                         Really??

                                     BUTTERS
                         Yes, now sit down, Jimmy, we should 
                         have a little talk.  You see, Jimmy, 
                         when a man's penis becomes hard, the 
                         man puts it into a lady. Into her "vagiiina." 
                          Then, the hard penis sneezes milk inside 
                         the lady's tummy, and after it's all 
                         done sneezin' milk.thepenis stops bein' 
                         hard, and the man loses interest in 
                         the lady.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         So, when your penis becomes hard, you're 
                         supposed to put in in a lady's vagina. 
                         And then it stops being hard?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         That's right, Jimmy.

                                     JIMMY
                         But where am I going to find a lady 
                         to stick my penis in? The talent show 
                         is this Friday.
 
               [South Park Elementary, day. The kids visit their lockers to 
               change books.]
 
                                     GIRL
                         Talk to you, Bertha.

                                     BERTHA
                         Okay, see you later, Jessie.

                                     JIMMY
                         Hey Bertha.

                                     BERTHA
                         Oh, hey Jimmy. What's goin' on?

                                     JIMMY
                         Well Bertha, I was wondering if I could 
                         stick my penis in your vagina?
 
                                     BERTHA
                         What?? No way! 

                                     JIMMY
                         But the talent show is tomorrow!  Ooo!
 
                         
                                     BERTHA
                         Jerk! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Jimmy, Jimmy, what the hell are you 
                         doing, man?
 
                                     JIMMY
                         I'm trying to get laid. What's it look 
                         like?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Dude, you don't just go up to a girl 
                         and ask her if you can stick your penis 
                         in her vagina. Ye-you have to ask her 
                         on a date, take her out for some Italian 
                         food.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Wow, seems like you know a lot about 
                         this stuff, Eric. Have you gotten laid 
                         before?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Sure, lots of times. I've been laid, 
                         like, five thousand times.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Well, wha-what do I do?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I told you: a date and then Italian 
                         food. And then you gotta make her thnk 
                         you're a good listener.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Eric, I can't tell you why, but it's 
                         very important that I score to-night! 
                         Can you come on the date and help me? 
                         You're like a white... Hitch.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Why sure, they do this all the time 
                         in movies and TV shows. You go on the 
                         date and wear an earpiece, and I'll 
                         be nearby, secretly telling you all 
                         the right things to say.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Wow! Thanks, Eric.

               [A house, night. A woman is reading a book on her sofa. The doorbell 
               rings.]
 
                                     MOM
                         Shawna honey, I think your little date 
                         is here.
 
                                     SHAWNA
                          Okay, Mom. 

                                     JIMMY
                         Hey Shawna.

                                     SHAWNA
                         Hi Jimmy.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Okay Jimmy. First off, tell her how 
                         good she looks.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Wow, Shawna, you look fantastic.

                                     SHAWNA
                         Thanks, Jimmy. Where are we going?
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                         We're going to an authentic Italian 
                         restaurant, Buca de Fagghecini
 
               [Buca de Fagghecini, dinnertime. Jimmy and Shawna wait for service 
               at their table]
 
                                     WAITER
                         Welcome to Buca de Fagghecini for the 
                         authentico experience Italiano. My name 
                         is Roma. Can I start you out with some 
                         lotsa pasta macaroni minis?
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Uh, I think we're gonna try your authentic 
                         pizzareli casserona poppers
 
                                     WAITER
                         Right away.

                                     SHAWNA
                         You know that girl Sally Rauman at our 
                         school? I can't stand her.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy, even though what 
                         she's saying now isn't interesting at 
                         all, you say, "Wow, that is very interesting. 
                         Please tell me more."
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Wow, that is very interesting. Please 
                         tell me more.
 
                                     SHAWNA
                         Really? Well, Kelligan bought the same 
                         purse and I was like, "No WAY do I want 
                         it now!" because who wants a purse that 
                         both their best friends have, right? 
                         And so-
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          All right, when she stops yappin' again, 
                         say "Wow, I've never thought of it that 
                         way before, but you're right."
 
                                     SHAWNA
                         -I guess that's why I figured, "Who 
                         needs friends like that?"
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Wow, I've never thought of it that way 
                         before, but you're right.
 
                                     SHAWNA
                         It's like I told Debbie: "If you're 
                         gonna go out with my friends-"
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         All right Jimmy, when she finally shuts 
                         her trap again, I want you to repeat 
                         whatever she said, and then follow it 
                         with "Wow, how insightful."
 
                                     SHAWNA
                         "And so if you're gonna be that way, 
                         I don't need to be your friend."
 
                                     JIMMY
                         "if you're gonna be that way, I don't 
                         need to be your friend." Wow, how insightful.
 
                         
                                     SHAWNA
                         You know, Jimmy, you are a great listener.
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                         Really?

                                     SHAWNA
                         Yeah. I mean, no other boys really communicate 
                         like you do.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Oh, I'm so glad you think so, Shawna, 
                         because I really wanna stick my penis 
                         in your vagina.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes, nice, Jimmy, very nice.

                                     SHAWNA
                          ...What???  I'm not doing that!

                                     JIMMY
                         But the talent show is tomorrow night!
 
                         
                                     SHAWNA
                         Creep! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Aaagh!

               [South Park Elementary, next evening. The gym is set up for the 
               talent show and the whole school is there. Well, most of the 
               school...]
 
                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         Welcome students and parents to the 
                         annual South Park Elementary Talent 
                         Show!  We have a lot of little talneted 
                         performers to get through, so the quicker 
                         you shut up, the quicker this will be 
                         over!  Okay, first up we have Billy 
                         Turner, from the third grade, who will 
                         be doing an alto sax solo. 
 
               [South Park Elementary, out on the front curb. Jimmy sits there 
               subbing. Officer Barbrady's police car rolls gently towards him 
               and stops. The driver door opens and Officer Barbrady comes into 
               view.]
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Jimmy? Jimmy Valmer?

                                     JIMMY
                          Oh... Hi, Officer B b-b-buh b-b-buh 
                         b-Barbrady.
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Jimmy, what are you doing here? The 
                         talent show is inside.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         I'm... not gonna perform in the talent 
                         show. 
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Not perform? But Jimmy, you love talent 
                         shows. Everyone in town knows that.
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                         I just c-can't risk getting up in front 
                         of everyone.
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Why?

                                     JIMMY
                         All right! I I keep getting an erection 
                         for no reason! Okay! But I can't get 
                         any of the girls here to let me... do 
                         it to them.
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Well of course not, Jimmy. LIttle girls 
                         don't wanna have sex.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Then why does God make it so that my 
                         penis gets hard if girls don't wanna 
                         have it in their vaginas? It's like 
                         a cruel joke.
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Well, Jimmy, the girls here are young 
                         and pure. They're not like the ladies 
                         down at Colfax Point.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         ...Colfax Point?

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Well yeah, those women will have sex 
                         with anybody.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Really? M-maybe I can catch the bus 
                         ...and get down there before the talent 
                         show ends. Th-thanks, Officer Barbrady! 
                         
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         You're welcome, Jim.  Wait...

               [Colfax Point, in the red-light district of town, night. Cars 
               roll by as obese prostitutes try to get customers. Shapely prostitutes 
               try as well when the obese ones are denied. A black women wearing 
               knee-high boots walks down the street towards the camera. She 
               has brilliant red hair, black vest and boots, and cheetah-print 
               shorts]
 
                                     VOICE-OVER
                         Colfax Point.

               Pimps and hos and tricks in rows

               Women walk the street with corns on their feet

               Broken dreams and no ice creams

               [a car stops in front of a woman built like a brick mansion]
 
               
                                     HO
                         You lookin' for a date?

                                     JIMMY
                          Hello? Hello? I need to put my ...p-penis 
                         in a woman's vagina. Any takers?  Excuse 
                         me, ma'am. What's your name?
 
                                     PROSTITUTE
                         They call me Nut Gobbler.

                                     JIMMY
                         Well, Nut Gobbler, I need to get laid.
 
                         
                                     NUT GOBBLER
                         Huh??

                                     JIMMY
                         I have a raging hard-on that just won't 
                         quit, and the talent show has already 
                         started.
 
                                     NUT GOBBLER
                         You a cop?

                                     JIMMY
                         No. Actually, I'm a stand-up comic.
 
                         
                                     NUT GOBBLER
                         You got money?

                                     JIMMY
                         Sure do.

                                     NUT GOBBLER
                         All right, you got a place to go?

                                     JIMMY
                         Sure. I know the p-perfect place.

               [Buca de Fagghecini, moments later. The waitier arrives]

                                     ROMA
                         Welcome to Buca de Fagghecini for the 
                         authentic experienso Italiano. My name 
                         is Roma, and uhhh  Oh, it's so nice 
                         to see you again, Mr. Valmer.
 
                                     JIMMY
                          Hey, can it, jackass! I just don't 
                         want them to know I was here with a 
                         different girl.
 
                                     ROMA
                         Oh right, pardone, segnore. I'll come 
                         back with some garlic bread mediterraneane. 
                         
 
                                     NUT GOBBLER
                         What are we doin' anyway?

                                     JIMMY
                         This is authentic Italian food straight 
                         from S-Sicily. You should try the Lotsa 
                         Mozzarella Pizza Roll.
 
                                     NUT GOBBLER
                         I can't eat too much, I'lve got an infected 
                         urinary tract. I've been pissin' blood 
                         for a week.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Oh, uh, wow, that is very interesting. 
                         Please tell me more.
 
                                     NUT GOBBLER
                         Huh?  Well, that's it, I just pissed 
                         blood! So I have to stick a tampon up 
                         my peehole.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Wow. You know, I've never thought of 
                         it that way before, but you're right. 
                         If you're pissing blood, you can shuve 
                         a tampon up your peehole. You are very 
                         insightful. Please tell me more.
 
                                     NUT GOBBLER
                         Look, kid, what are you doin'?! You 
                         wanna get laid or not?
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Well of couse I wanna get laid. That's 
                         why I'm taking you to this ...fancy 
                         place and pretending to be interested 
                         in what you have to say..
 
                                     NUT GOBBLER
                         Kid, I'm a hooker. You don't have to 
                         take me to dinner OR be nice to me.
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                         What? Fo, for real?

                                     NUT GOBBLER
                         You paid me, so you get to do me. It's 
                         that simple.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Well jumpin' Jesus, what are we wasting 
                         our time here for then? The talent show 
                         is happening right now! Let's get to 
                         r-r-rammin'!
 
                                     PIMP
                         What are you doin', ho?! Havin' dinner?! 
                         You're supposed to be workin' for me!
 
                         
                                     NUT GOBBLER
                         It's where the trick wanted to go, you 
                         bastard!
 
                                     PIMP
                         Trick?! I ain't stupid! Ain't no trick 
                         gonna take you out to dinner!  This 
                         PIMP is tryin' to steal you away from 
                         me!  This is MY ho!
 
                                     JIMMY
                         I beg to differ with you, sir. I paid 
                         for her and took her out to dinner. 
                         She's my ho!
 
                                     NUT GOBBLER
                         Uh Jesus.

                                     PIMP
                         You got a problem, bitch?!

                                     JIMMY
                         Yes, I do have a problem, as a matter 
                         of fact! I've spent all my money on 
                         this ho, and she's now my only shot 
                         at getting laid, and the talent show 
                         is only a couple of hours from being 
                         over.
 
                                     PIMP
                          You're comin' home right now! 

                                     NUT GOBBLER
                         Agh! Let go of my hair, you son of a 
                         bitch!
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Sir, sir, that is my ho!

                                     PIMP
                         I'm gonna kick your ass, ho! 

                                     JIMMY
                          Sir, sir!

               [South Park Elementary Talent Show, now in progress. A student 
               sings Journey's "Open Arms" badly]
 
                                     STAN
                         Woof.

               [Buca de Fagghecini, outside. The pimp drives off with Nut Gobbler, 
               and Jimmy just steps out the front doors]
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Son of a ...b-bitch!  Taxi!  Follow 
                         that pimp and ho! 
 
               [The pimp's car]

                                     NUT GOBBLER
                         Where are you taking me?!

                                     PIMP
                         I'm gonna kill you, ho!

                                     NUT GOBBLER
                         No! Please! Chewmoney! I'm sorry!

                                     CHEWMONEY
                         You're already dead, ho! 

                                     JIMMY
                         Sir! I paid for that lady, and by taking 
                         her, you are no better than a common 
                         th-thief!
 
                                     CHEWMONEY
                         Fuck you, punk! 

                                     JIMMY
                         Nut Gobbler, grab onto my crutch! 
 
                         
                                     CHEWMONEY
                          Get your ass back in here, ho!

                                     NUT GOBBLER
                         Aaaah! 

                                     JIMMY
                         I got you, Nut Gobbler! 

               [South Park Elementary Talent Show, now in progress. The Goth 
               kids are now onstage. The Red Goth and Henrietta are on guitars, 
               and the Kindergarten Goth is on drums. The Tall Goth sings]
 
               
                                     TALL GOTH
                         No no nono no, I'm not gonna be in the 
                         talent show.
 
               Oh no no nono no. I'll never be in your faggy talent show. [the 
               song ends and they walk offstage. Some applause for them comes 
               up from the audience]
 
                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         Okay, that was the Goth kids with "Talent 
                         Shows Are For Fags"
 
                                     TALL GOTH
                         That was killer. We showed them.

                                     RED GOTH
                         Yeah, I hope we win.

               [The streets of South Park, night. The two cars are still racing 
               down the streets with Nut Gobbler splits between them. She's 
               screaming from the pain]
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Come on, ho! 

                                     CABBIE
                         Look out!

                                     MOTORCYCLIST
                         Daww?

                                     NUT GOBBLER
                         Aah??  NO! 

                                     JIMMY
                         Eugh! Stay on him! I'm not giving up! 
                         
 
               [South Park Elementary Talent Show, now in progress. A magic 
               act ends as the assistant steps out of a box]
 
                                     KID MAGICIAN
                         Tada! 

                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         Okay, very nice, Clark and Laura. Very 
                         nice.  Our next act is Butters, who 
                         will be singing a song
 
                                     STEPHEN
                          There's our boy. 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Lu lu lu, I'vw got some... some... uh, 
                         some uh... some, uh... uuuhhh... Oh 
                         no!  No no noho noo! 
 
                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         Okay, thank you Butters, very nice, 
                         short and sweet. 
 
               [The streets of South Park, night. The two cars are now bumping 
               each other off.]
 
                                     CHEWMONEY
                         Goddamn, this pimp just won't give up!
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                          Get close to him!  How much do I owe 
                         you?
 
                                     CABBIE
                          Six dollars and twenty-four cents.
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                          C-can I just get two back, please?
 
                         
                                     CABBIE
                         Oh, thank you very much.  There you 
                         go. Have a good 'n.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Thank you. 

                                     CHEWMONEY
                         You're gonna pay for this, bitch!

                                     NUT GOBBLER
                         No! Heelllp!!  Haaaaaaaaaa!!

                                     JIMMY
                          Don't worry, Nut Gobbler! I'm coming! 
                          Oh Jesus, not now.  Oh boy, this is 
                         embarassing. 
 
               [South Park Elementary Talent Show, now in progress. A magic 
               act ends as the assistant steps out of a box]
 
                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         And now we have Eric Cartman, who will 
                         be doing select readings from the movie, 
                         Scarface. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          D'you know what you are? You're all 
                         a bunch of fucking cock roaches! You 
                         need people like me! You need people 
                         like me so you can point your fucking 
                         finger and say "That's the bad guy!" 
                         Well say goodnight to the bad guy!!
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                         That's my little boy. 

               [Colfax Point, night. On the rooftop of the building, Chewmoney 
               has Nut Gobbler on her knees and is ready to shoot her dead.]
 
               
                                     NUT GOBBLER
                         Please, Chewmoney! Don't do this!

                                     CHEWMONEY
                         I told you never to turn on me, ho!
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                          Hey, j-j-jackass!  I'm sorry I resorted 
                         to calling you jackass just now, but 
                         I'm very upset!
 
                                     CHEWMONEY
                         And what are you gonna do, huh?! I've 
                         got four feet on you AND a gun! What 
                         do you have?!
 
                                     JIMMY
                         What do I have? The weapon of comedy. 
                         So apparently the Chinese and the Japanese 
                         aren't getting along lately. Have you 
                         seen this? Have you heard about this?
 
                         
                                     CHEWMONEY
                         What?!

                                     JIMMY
                         I'll tell you one thing: their food 
                         hasn't been getting along with my stomach 
                         for years.
 
                                     CHEWMONEY
                          That's pretty good.

                                     JIMMY
                         Martha Stewart is out of jail. Have 
                         you seen this? Have you heard about 
                         this?
 
                                     CHEWMONEY
                          Oh yeah. That's right, she is. 

                                     JIMMY
                         She's apparently gotten real good with 
                         baking cakes with keys in them. 
 
                                     NUT GOBBLER
                         Serves you right, you son of a bitch!
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                         Nice teamwork, Nut Gobbler.

                                     GOBBLER
                         I can't believe you chased me all this 
                         way. You, you really care about me.
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                         Not really. You're just a hooker, and 
                         I need to get laid. The talent show 
                         could be over any minute.
 
                                     GOBBLER
                         That's good enough for me.  Take me 
                         to bed. 
 
               [South Park Elementary Talent Show, now in progress. Ike is onstage 
               singing "Yankee Doodle Boy"]
 
                                     IKE
                         I have a Yankee Doodle sweetheart,
 
                         
               She's my Yankee Doodle girl.

               [holds up some sparklers]

               'Ankee Doodle came to London,

               Just to ride the ponies, 

               [throws them off and gets inside a small cannon next to him. 
               The barrel rises until it's in launch pisition]
 
               I am da Yankee Doodle

               I am da Yankee Doodle

               I am da Yankee Doodle boy. 

               [The cannon shoots him out and he lands clear across the stage. 
               Some applause greets the performance. As the props are taken 
               away, Ike takes off his hat and bows low to everyone, then puts 
               on his top hat and walks off]
 
                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         Okay, very nice, Ike, thank you. All 
                         right, children, it looks like we have 
                         no more contestants, which means, the 
                         Talent Show is over! 
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Mr. Mackey, it's over.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Huh?  Oh oh oh, right.

                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         Now we will tally up the judges' scores 
                         and find out which act they hated the 
                         least.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Hold everything!  Mrs. Garrison, if 
                         you don't mind, I'll be taking that 
                         microphone..
 
                                     
                         Okay, let's put our hands together for 
                         Jimmy Valmer. 
 
                                     
                         Wow, what a terrific audience. So apparently 
                         it's been exactly two years since the 
                         fall of Baghdad. Have you seen this? 
                         Have you heard about this? Just as B-Bush 
                         predicted, Baghdad fell, Iraq fell, 
                         Saddam fell. The only thing that didn't 
                         fall was ...the price of gas.  I just 
                         read in the paper that China's protesting 
                         Japan. Have you seen this? Have you 
                         heard about this? Yeah, I guess in China 
                         you don't get to-  You've gotta be kidding 
                         me.
 

               THE END

Erection Day



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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