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ALL SCRIPTS





                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                     Episode 705


                              "FAT BUTT AND PANCAKE HEAD"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               CELEBRATE CULTURAL DIVERSITY

               [South Park Elementary, day. Kyle is speaking to the school in 
               the school gym, which is nicely decorated in the flags of many 
               nations, both on the rafters and on the small stage set up at 
               one end of the basketball court.]
 
                                     KYLE
                          And in conclusion, the Latino community 
                         has provided America, and indeed, the 
                         entire world with innovations that we 
                         would be lost without. And that is my 
                         presentation on the role of Hispanics 
                         in American technology. Thank you. 
 
                         
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                          Okay, thank you, Kyle Broflovski.
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          That was very good, Kyle. I think the 
                         Latino Endowment Council was very happy 
                         with your presentation. Looks like you 
                         might win. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Cool.

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         All right, students, members of the 
                         school board. Our last speaker will 
                         discuss the important role of Latinos 
                         in the arts. Here is... Eric Cartman. 
                          Eric Cartman? 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Thank you. The Latino culture has been 
                         very influential on the arts in America. 
                         But you don't have to ask me. You can 
                         ask my special guest. Miss Jennifer 
                         Lopez.
 
                                     KIDS
                         Jennifer Lopez?

                                     KYLE
                         No way.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Miss Lopez, come on out here. 

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                          Hallooo. 

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                          Oh, Jesus Christ.

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         My name is Hennifer Lopez. I eat tacos, 
                         y burritos.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ms. Lopez, would you like to talk about 
                         Lations and the arts?
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Oh sí, sí. But first I would like to 
                         put on my pretty dress.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, you mean this one? 

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Oh sí sí sí. I like it very much.

                                     CARTMAN
                          There we go, Saright?

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Saright.

                                     CARTMAN
                         That's a very pretty dress. 

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         It better be! I am Hennifer Lopez!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Nonono, you're Jennifer Lopez

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Sí sí.  Hennifer Lopez!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Nono, Jeh-

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Heh-

                                     CARTMAN
                         Jeh-

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Heh-

                                     CARTMAN
                         Jeh

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Jeh

                                     CARTMAN
                         Jennifer Lopez

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Hennifer Lopez 

                                     A COUNCIL MEMBER
                         Hahahahaha, oh my.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ms. Lopez, could you show everyone your 
                         example of Latino arts?
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Don't be fooled by all my money. I still 
                         like to eat tacos, honey. So crispy 
                         on the outside, so super good and yummy.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         And that is my presentation on Latinos 
                         in the arts. Thank you. 
 
               [South Park Mall, later. The boys walk down one side inside the 
               mall. Cartman leads the way]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh-hoh man! A twenty-dollar gift certificate 
                         at the mall! I can buy whatever I want! 
                         Cultural Diversity Day kicks ass!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         It isn't fair. I spent weeks preparing 
                         my speech on Latino culture.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, I spent weeks preparing too, Kyle.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         No you didn't, asshole! What you did 
                         was totally stupid and racist! And you 
                         only did it to screw me over!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Awww, I don't think Kyle likes you, 
                         Ms. Lopez.
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Aww, that makes me muy triste.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ms. Lopez, do you like Kyle?

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Oh sí sí, very much.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ms. Lopez, would you like to give Kyle 
                         a kiss?
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Oh sí, sí sí, my kisses taste like tacos. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Is nice?

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Is bery nice. He's so hansome. 

                                     KYLE
                         Stop it!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, come one guys! We can use part 
                         of my gift certificate to buy food at 
                         the food court.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Woohoo!) 

               [South Park Mall, later. The boys walk down the mall. Cartman's 
               hand is finishing off a taco as he looks at it.]
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Mmm, tacos! So yummy!

                                     KYLE
                         Stop wasting the tacos on your hand, 
                         Cartman!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, Ms. Lopez has to eat, too.

                                     KYLE
                         She's not eating it, it's just comint 
                         out her backside!
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         When you eat a taco it comes out your 
                         backside too, cholo!
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Heheehee, heheh yeahah)

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Look look! Make your own music video! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Nonono, we're not going into one of 
                         those cheesy places, Cartman!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I agree. Those places are stupid.

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         It's not stupid. I need to make music 
                         video.
 
                                     STAN
                          Look, we're not going in there, so 
                         just-! Wait, why the hell am I talking 
                         to your hand?  Look, we're not going 
                         in there, so just knock it off!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, I'm on your guys's side.

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                          Just wait one minute, let me see how 
                         much it is. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         God damnit! 

                                     CASHIER
                         Welcome to Make Your Own Video. All 
                         set to rock and roll?
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         How much to make a video?

                                     CASHIER
                         Uh, well, it's nine ninety five for 
                         a three-minute tape.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Heh! We're not paying nine ninety five!
 
                         
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Oh please! Come on, guys!

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman, will you stop this gayness?!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         All right all right, here's ten dollars! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         That's not what I meant!

                                     CASHIER
                         All right, just come over here and stand 
                         in front of the green screen.  What 
                         kind of song do you want?
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Something warm and spicy.  Spicier. 
                          Spicierrr! 
 
               Burrito. Taco taco. Burrito. Taco. Taco taco.

               Don't think that just because I got a lot of money

               I'll give you taco-flavored kisses, honey!

               Fulfill all your wishes with my taco-flavored kisses.

               Taco taco. Burrito Burri...to. Taco taco.

                                     CASHIER
                         You know, I've seen a lot of videos 
                         here at the mall, and that was by far 
                         the best!
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Oh, gracias, "Machél"! 

                                     CASHIER
                         Hey, I've got a friend who's interning 
                         at a big record label in L.A. I'll send 
                         a copy on to him and maybe he'll get 
                         the bigwigs to see ya.
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Oh, gracias, Machel, gracias!

                                     KYLE
                         Can we go now, please?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, I wanna leave.

                                     KYLE
                         Stop it, Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                         What?

               [BHI records, L.A. day. The tape is being played on a massive 
               screen in an office.]
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Fulfill all your wishes with my taco-flavored 
                         kisses.
 
               Taco taco.

                                     BHI PRESIDENT
                         She's fantiastic. Who is she? 

                                     AIDE 1
                          Believe it or not, her name is Jennifer 
                         Lopez
 
                                     AIDE 2
                          That makes sense. She reminds me of 
                         J-Lo.
 
                                     BHI PRESIDENT
                         Yeah, but she's younger and spicier.
 
                         
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Taco taco. Burrito Burri...to. Taco 
                         taco.
 
                                     AIDE 2
                         I don't think J-Lo would like it very 
                         much if we signed this new girl.
 
                                     BHI PRESIDENT
                         No, you're right. We're gonna have to 
                         fire J-Lo.
 
               [Cartman's house, day. The phone rings in the kitchen and he 
               answers it.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hello? ...BHI records? ...Oh, it's for 
                         you, Ms. Lopez. 
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Oh, sí sí sííí. Allo!

                                     CARTMAN
                         What do they want?

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                          Just a second, I'm trying to hear.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         S'awright?

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         S'awright.  Yes yes, this is Ms. Hrrrlopez. 
                         Uh huh. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What? What?

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Oh my God I can't believe it!!!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Hello hello, are you still there?
 
                         
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         They want to sign me to the rrrecord 
                         companyyy!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You want to sign Ms. Lopez?

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Oh my God, it's happening for me!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes! Yes, we can record an album next 
                         week! Sure we can write ten songs! We'll 
                         start tonight!!  We're gonna be rich!
 
                         
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         We're gonna be famose!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Come on, we gotta get to work on some 
                         songs! 
 
               [Cartman's house, night. Cartman is on his bed writing away on 
               a notepad]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         There. That's three more songs we've 
                         written already! Your style of music 
                         is so easy it doesn't require any thought 
                         at all!
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Oh, sí sí sííí.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Okay, Ms. Lopez, time to go to sleep. 
                         
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Ohh, I'm so sleeeepyyy.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Good night, Ms. Lopez. Tomorrow is gonna 
                         be a great day. Great day tomorrow... 
                          Tomorrow...  "Kyle, you were wrong! 
                         We did do a record deal!"  "You were 
                         wrong, Kyle!"  "Nananananaaana!"  "Hahahahahaaaha!" 
                          "Nananananaaana!" "Hahahahahaaaha!" 
                          Awesommme. Yeeessss.
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                          Aaahhhh. Aaahhhh.

               [An Oscar ceremony. Two Oscars stand guard over a red carpet. 
               On either side of the carpet is a crowd of people. A limo pulls 
               up and a hand floats out of it.]
 
                                     MAN 1
                         Ms. Lopez! Up here!

                                     MAN 2
                         Jennifer, We love you Jennifer!

                                     MAN 3
                         Jennifer, over here.

                                     MAN 4
                         Jennifer!

               [A concert. Her first single is thumping away, and she appears 
               as just a hand, floating over the stage floor]
 
                                     FEMALE FAN
                          We love you Jennifer! 

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                          Aaahhhh.

               [BHI Records, Los Angeles, day. The president and his men are 
               in a meeting when he looks up]
 
                                     BHI PRESIDENT
                         Ah, Ms. Lopez, come on in.

                                     JENNIFER LOPEZ
                          Yo, make it quick. I got a video shoot 
                         at two and a script reading at five.
 
                         
                                     BHI PRESIDENT
                         Yes, well uh, Ms. Lopes, we regret to 
                         inform you that, uh... we're dropping 
                         you from the label.
 
                                     JENNIFER LOPEZ
                         What? Oh no you di'n't!

                                     AIDE 1
                         We wanna thank you for all your hard 
                         work and ..."talent".
 
                                     JENNIFER LOPEZ
                          You can't drop me! I'm Jennifer Lopez! 
                         How can you drop me?!
 
                                     BHI PRESIDENT
                         Wu-well a very talented younger singer 
                         has come to our attention and, and the 
                         truth of the matter is her name happens 
                         to be Jennifer Lopez as well. And we 
                         really can't have two here at BHI Records.
 
                         
                                     JENNIFER LOPEZ
                         Who the hell is this other Jennifer 
                         Lopez?! Where 'os she come from?!
 
                         
                                     AIDE 1
                         Well, she lives in South Park, Colorado 
                         now, but uh I believe she originally 
                         from Mexico, just like you.
 
                                     JENNIFER LOPEZ
                         I don't come from no Mexico! I'm Puer'ah 
                         Rican!
 
                                     BHI PRESIDENT
                         Whatever. Look, it's nothing persona, 
                         we just think you need to move on.
 
                         
                                     AIDE 2
                         Bu- AND you're a mean-spirited bitch 
                         who spits on people who aren't rich 
                         and famous.
 
               [A limosine, from the back seat. A small TV is on near the floor, 
               behind the driver.]
 
                                     REPORTER
                         And sources say that the new film will 
                         star Ben Affleck.
 
                                     BEN
                          Huhuhuh, that's me.  How'd it go, baby?
 
                         
                                     JENNIFER LOPEZ
                         Terrible, Ben! Some girl in Colorado 
                         is trying to become the new Jennifer 
                         Lopez!  Shut up! 
 
                                     BEN
                         What?? Who could replace you??

                                     JENNIFER LOPEZ
                          Yo driver. Stupid driver!

                                     DRIVER
                          Yes, ma'am. Where to?

                                     JENNIFER LOPEZ
                         Take me to South Park, Colorado! I'm 
                         gonna kill that bitch!!
 
               [South Park Elementary, day. The kids file in to class. Many 
               of them are already seated. Butters is looking out the window]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN RUNS UP
                         Hay everybody! Listen up! I've got somethng 
                         to tell Kyle! 
 
                                     KYLE
                          ...What?

                                     CARTMAN
                          Hahahahahaaaha! Hahahahahaaaha! Hahaha, 
                         Hahaha, Hahahahahahaha!
 
                                     STAN
                         What are you gloating about?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, I'm not gloating. I just got a little 
                         call from a recond company in Los Angeles 
                         and, they want Ms. Lopez to recored 
                         an album next week.
 
                                     KIDS IN CLASS
                         Wow, really?

                                     KYLE
                         No!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Yup, looks like I'm gonna be rich. 
                          And famous.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Olay, children, let's take our seats. 
                         If you'll remember yesterday we were 
                         discussing state capitals.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Hey, a big limosine just pulled up 
                         in front of the school!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Butters, will you pay attention, please?
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Holy smokes, it's Jennifer Lopez!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Jennifer Lopez?

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Yes?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Holy geez wow! There's Ben Affleck, 
                         too!
 
                                     A BOY
                         Wow, cool! 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Will you kids shut up?  Jennifer Lopez 
                         and Ben Affleck are not-! Oh my God, 
                         that's Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. 
                         
 
                                     MR. SLAVE
                         Oh Jesus, will you look at those boots?
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well what are we waiting for? Let's 
                         get outside! 
 
               [South Park Elementary, outside, later. Word gets around and 
               all of the school comes out to see for itself]
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Is it true? Jennifer Lopez is here?
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Here she comes! Here she comes!

                                     JENNIFER LOPEZ
                         Okay! What smart-mouthed little punk-ass 
                         bitch has been saying they're the new 
                         Jennifer Lopez, huh?!
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                          J-Lo, can we get a picture of you with 
                         the kids?
 
                                     JENNIFER LOPEZ
                          No! Shut up! If I find the ho who thinks 
                         she's taken my career from me, I'm gonna 
                         wring her pretty little neck!  So, nobody 
                         want's to fess up, huh? Too scared to 
                         talk?! You'd better remember, bitch, 
                         that I'll come and take you down if 
                         you ever say anythin' again! 
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                          You can suck my culo, chica! 

                                     JENNIFER LOPEZ
                          Who was that?!  You go' a problem?!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Not me!

                                     JENNIFER LOPEZ
                         Then who? 

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Hola, bitchola! 

                                     JENNIFER LOPEZ
                         What the hell is that?!

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         My name is Hennifer Hlopez! And I like 
                         tacos, and burritos.
 
                                     JENNIFER LOPEZ
                         That? That's what replaced me?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm sure it was just a mistake.

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Only mistake was when this ghetto trash 
                         got signed in the first place!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Shut your God-damned mouth!

                                     JENNIFER LOPEZ
                         You fucking smartass, who do you think 
                         you are?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Nobody

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         I am Yennifer Hrlopez! I eat tacos, 
                         and burritos!
 
                                     JENNIFER LOPEZ
                         Fuck you! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yaaaaah! Wait! I'm sorry! Ah I'll stop! 
                         I'll stop!
 
                                     JENNIFER LOPEZ
                         You'd better stop!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I will

                                     BEN
                          Come on, Jenny, let's go

                                     BEBE
                         Wow, Ben Affleck.

                                     BEN
                         We shouldbe getting back to the uh... 
                         
 
                                     JENNIFER LOPEZ
                         Don' you forget what'll happen to you, 
                         ho! Come on, Benny! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well, there you go, fatass! I hope you 
                         learned your lesson.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah. I sure did. I don't think I should 
                         record that album now.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Good.

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                          Or maybe I shou-ould.

                                     KYLE
                         Aw, God-damnit!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ohnonono, Ms. Lopez.

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Ohsísísí, señor.

                                     KYLE
                         That does it. I'm out. 

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Oh, where are you going, Kyle? Come 
                         give me kisses!
 
               [Music Lab Recording Studios, night.]

                                     AIDE 1
                         All right, Ms. Lopez, take it from the 
                         top. 
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Baby let's make a run for the border,
 
                         
               I've got a hunger only tacos can stop.

               I know exactly what I ordered

               Three tacos two tostadas and a soda pop.

                                     BHI PRESIDENT
                         Gentlemen, we have ourselves a hit.
 
                         
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         I need to make a run for the border,
 
                         
               If you pay I'll take off my top.

               Do you remember what I want to order?

               Three tacos two tostadas and a soda pop.

               Yeah yeah, and don't forget the hot sauce, Cholo!

               [Cartman's house, night. He's asleep, dreaming]

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Don't think just because I got money
 
                         
               I won't still give you taco-flavord kisses, honey.

               I'm gonna fulfill all your sexy wishes

               Give you lots of taco-flavored kisses

                                     CARTMAN
                         What the hell are you doing?

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         I'm practicing my dancinngg!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Look, we spent all night at the recording 
                         studio. Now it's time to sleep!
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Dancing!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Sleep!

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Dancing!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Sleep!

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                          Dancing

                                     CARTMAN
                         Moooommm!

                                     LIANE
                         What's the matter, sweetie?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ms. Lopez won't go to sleep!

               [Cartman's house, day. Ben Affleck approaches the front door 
               with a bouquet of flowers and knocks on the door]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Heyesss.

                                     BEN
                         Hey, I was wondering if I could talk 
                         to Ms. Lopez.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          She's not here right now.

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                          Ben? Is that my darling Ben?

                                     BEN
                         Jenny? Yes, Jenny, eheh, it's me! Where 
                         are you? Please, I-I have to see her! 
                         
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Ben!!! Oh, you bought me rrrrroses!
 
                         
                                     BEN
                         Jenny, I just can't stop thinking about 
                         you. 
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         I can't stop thinking about you either, 
                         Ben!
 
                                     BEN
                         I've been meaning to write a song or 
                         a poem, but I have no talent.
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         I know, my darleeeng. That's okay.
 
                         
                                     BEN
                         Will you just take a ride with me in 
                         my awesome car?
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Oh Ben, I would LOVE to!

                                     CARTMAN
                         NO!

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         'Scuse me one second, Ben.  Don't you 
                         ruin this opportunity for me! How can 
                         you stand in the way of this?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm not going out in his car.

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         I'm not gonna let you blow this one 
                         chance I have.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't care. I'm supposed to sit here 
                         and do my homework.
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Don't you dare 

                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't care, 'cause I'm the one that's 
                         gonna get in trouble if you don't-! 
                         Okay, okay, wait, okay um, fine fine 
                         fine!
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Okay, Ben, let's go!

               [A mountain road. Ben and Cartman drive along at a fast clip]
 
               
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Oh Ben, I am soo happy! The cool breeze 
                         blowing through my hair in your sexy 
                         automobile.
 
                                     BEN
                         Let's spend the whole day together!
 
                         
               [a soft song plays. The next scene is a dawn on a beach, where 
               "Jennifer Lopez" and Ben run side by side. Next is a restaurant 
               where Ben has some wine while "Jennifer Lopez" enjoys a martini. 
               Next scene, they're watching a movie together. "Jennifer Lopez" 
               has her own seat between Ben and Cartman. Bem stretches and puts 
               his hand on the headrest behind "Jennifer Lopez". Cartman looks, 
               then looks away angrily. Next scene is at a jewelry store, where 
               Ben picks out some earrings for "Jennifer Lopez". "Jennifer Lopez" 
               opens her mouth in delight and Ben smiles. Next scene, Ben is 
               resting on Cartman's lap and chatting with "Jennifer Lopez". 
               Again, Cartman looks away in disgust. Last scene is undercover 
               photos taken of Ben and "Jennifer Lopez", which end up on The 
               National Inquisition.]
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Oh Ben, you are so perfect, so spectacularrr 
                         in every way
 
               You bring light into my life, Ben. You almost make me forget 
               all about...
 
               Tacos! Oh, tacos, so good in my tummy yummy yummy give me more.
 
               
               I love you, Ben. You almost make me forget about...

               Tacos......

                                     BEN
                         Jenny, I have to tell you something. 
                         I... I think I love you.
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Hoohh, I love you too, Ben!  But...
 
                         
                                     BEN
                         But what?

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         But what if you still have feelings 
                         for the slut with the large ass?
 
                                     BEN
                          I still care for her. Maybe I always 
                         will. But... You just have so much more 
                         going on. Up here. 
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Oh Ben. Beennn.

                                     BEN
                         Jenny, can I kiss you?

                                     CARTMAN
                          NO!

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Yes! Oh yes, Ben, kiss me! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Aw, God damnit!  Aww- awww, dude!

                                     BEN
                         Mmm, just like tacos.

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Taco-flavored kisses for my Ben.

                                     BEN
                         You're so hot, baby.

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         I make you hot, Ben?

                                     BEN
                         Mm, yeah.  Oh, Jenny.  Oh Jenny! 

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                          Ben... 

                                     BEN
                         Oh God, Jenny!

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Oh, Ben, I adore you! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         OHH, SICK!! AWW THAT'S IT!  WE'RE LEAVING 
                         NOW!!
 
                                     BEN
                         But I love her!

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Ben!

                                     BEN
                         Jenny! Jenny, I'll call you!

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         I love you, Ben!

               [Music Lab Recording Studio, night. "Jennifer Lopez" is recording 
               new tracks. Cartman is practically sleeping on the job as his 
               hand belts out new tunes]
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Ooo baby baby, can I have your tacos?
 
                         
               Two tacos chulo, too. I'm just Jenny from the hood.

               Ooo, can I have your tacos? Oh- stop. Stop, stop. STOP! [the 
               band stops playing] What the hell is wrong with you?! You cholos 
               can't even keep a beat! I deserve better than thees! I an Hennifer 
               Lopez! Where is my water?! [a page brings "her" a bottle of water] 
               Not Evian, Pellegrino, you stupid beetch!
 
                                     AIDE 2
                         Uh, that's fine Ms. Lopez. Look, it's 
                         been a long night. Why don't we pick 
                         it up in the morning?
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Fine my ass, cholo!  I'll tell you when 
                         it's fine!
 
               [Music Lab Recording Studio, night, back entrance. Cartamn exits 
               and goes down three steps.]
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Stupid idiots! How am I supposed to 
                         make an album with those cholos?! 
 
                         
                                     JENNIFER LOPEZ
                          You little snot-nose!  You ruin my 
                         career and now you're trying to steal 
                         my man?! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Aww crap.

                                     JENNIFER LOPEZ
                         You'd better stay away from him! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         OW! OW! OH JESUS! OW!

               [Hell's Pass Hospital, next day. Dr. Doctor is showing Liane, 
               Cartman's mother, an X-ray of her son's hand]
 
                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         Your son's hand has a hairline fracture 
                         and two dislocated fingers.
 
                                     LIANE
                         Oh dear.

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         But I'm more concerned about his state 
                         of mind. Your son appears to be completely 
                         insane.
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                          Ahhh Ahhhh 

                                     CARTMAN
                         I told you this would happen. 

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Oh, hello guys.

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman, you need to stop this stupid 
                         little game you're playing!
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Oh, Kyle, why you no like meee?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Kyle is right, Ms. Lopez. From now on, 
                         we're staying away from Ben Affleck.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         I hate you. 

                                     LIANE
                         Come on, sweetie. Doctor says you need 
                         to get home and get lots of rest.
 
                         
               [Cartman's house, morning. A cock crows. Cartman, asleep, stretches 
               and wakes up, then glances to his left.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         EHAGH!  Moooooommmm! 

                                     LIANE
                          What is it, sweetie?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ben Affleck is naked in my bed!

                                     LIANE
                         Oooo, looks like the tooth fairy was 
                         extra-happy with youuu. 
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Buenos días, my love.

                                     BEN
                         Good morning, baby.

                                     CARTMAN
                         You have to get out of here! Jennifer 
                         Lopez is gonna kick my ass again!
 
                         
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         He's not going anywhere! Ben and I were 
                         up all night making love.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What? Oh- AWWW!  Ben Affleck's spooge!!
 
                         
                                     BEN
                         Should we tell him the news?

                                     CARTMAN
                         What news?

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         I think we should tell him.

                                     BEN
                         It's S'aright?

                                     CARTMAN
                         S'aright.

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         S'aright.

                                     BEN
                         We're getting married!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, balls!

               [Kyle's house, day. He, Stan and Kenny watch TV on the couch. 
               The doorbell rings]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Come in.  COME IN!! 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Guys, I need to talk to you.

                                     STAN
                         What's the matter?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I can't handle it anymore. All the fame 
                         and the Ben Affleck spooge, I... I just 
                         can't go on living with Ms. Lopez.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         So stop doing it!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Stop doing what?

                                     KYLE
                         You know God-damn well what! Now get 
                         outta here!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Please, you guys. It's like, I can't 
                         even have a moment to myself anymore. 
                         See? 
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Don't you dare ever do that to me again!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Aw, stop it, Cartman! Your hand hand 
                         doesn't need to breathe!
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         You try being in an oven mitt for two 
                         hours!
 
                                     KYLE
                         I can see your lips moving!

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         I can see your lips moving too, culo!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         See?! I just saw your lips move!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Look! I'm just asking you guys for help. 
                         Will you please help me with Ms. Lopez.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         What's she doing?

                                     KYLE
                         Come here!  You're not actually buying 
                         this crap, are you?!
 
                                     STAN
                         I don't know, meh, maybe he can't help 
                         it.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Look, he knows full well what he's doing, 
                         and he's just waiting for us to buy 
                         into it, and then he'll laugh and point 
                         at our faces and say, "Haha, I got you 
                         guys to believe me!" "You guys are stupid!"
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Dude, do you really he would go through 
                         all this just to make [us feal dumb?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         YES, dude! 

                                     STAN
                         Cartman, we decided that if you can 
                         be mature and admit to everyone that 
                         you've gotten yourself into this mess, 
                         then we'll help you.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, okay, I know that I control everything 
                         Ms. Lopez does.
 
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Oh no you don't!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Quiet, Ms. Lopez.

                                     KYLE
                         Out! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Guys... Uh... Uh... 

               [Outside, day. Cartman reaches the sidewalk when he sees something]
 
               
                                     BEN
                         There you are, Jenny! I've been lookin' 
                         all over for you, baby!  Jenny? 
 
                                     AIDE 1
                         Ms. Lopez, you were due in the studio 
                         two hours ago! Come on! 
 
                                     JENNIFER LOPEZ
                          So you're gettin' married, huh? 

                                     BEN
                         Don't you hurt her!

                                     BHI PRESIDENT
                         We'll sue you!

                                     KYLE
                         Oh Jesus.

               [A bridge over a wide river, day. Jennifer Lopez has followed 
               Cartman here. Cartman screams. A police car pulls up from the 
               other end of the bridge. The driver steps out, and both officers 
               drraw their guns at Jennifer Lopez, now unrecognizable]
 
                                     POLICE OFFICER 1
                         Freeze, leafblower! 

                                     AIDE 1
                         Arrest that woman! She wants to kill 
                         one of our artists! 
 
                                     POLICE OFFICER 2
                         All right, you're going downtown, bean-breath.
 
                         
                                     BEN
                          Jenny! Oh, I thoughth I was goin' lose 
                         you! Let's run away and get married 
                         tongiht!
 
                                     AIDE 2
                         Hey, she can't get married tonight, 
                         she has a recording session! 
 
                                     BEN
                         Our love is like rain!

                                     JENNIFER LOPEZ
                         That's what you said about me, asshole!
 
                         
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Quiet!

                                     BHI PRESIDENT
                         Get her out of here!

                                     JENNIFER LOPEZ
                         Fuck you!

                                     POLICE OFFICER 2
                         Shut up, picante pants!

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Everyone be quiet!  I'm... I'm not who 
                         you think I am.
 
                                     BHI PRESIDENT
                         You're not?

                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         No. It was all a lie. A lie I cannot 
                         contimue anymore. I am not Hennifer 
                         Lopez. I am...  ...Mitch Connor. 
 
                         
                                     POLICE OFFICER 2
                         Who is Mitch Connor?

                                     "MITCH CONNOR"
                         Just your run of the mill con man. I've 
                         been moving from town to town, scamming 
                         people since I was fifteen. But I'm 
                         tired of running.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Oh no, no no, nonono.

                                     "MITCH CONNOR"
                         I've been a cheater all my life. And 
                         now I've ruined a singer's career, lost 
                         a record company millions, and cost 
                         this little boy his precious time.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Stop. It.

                                     "MITCH CONNOR"
                         Mostly, I'm sorry to you, Ben. I'm sorry 
                         I played Tiddly Winks with your heart. 
                          But it's over now. The cyanide pill 
                         I took should be taking effect very 
                         soon. Hmph, looks like the sun is goin' 
                         down. I wonder, will I dream? 
 
                                     POLICE OFFICER 2
                         Well, looks like Mitch Connor has cashed 
                         in his last chips. 
 
                                     KYLE
                          Dude, who the hell is Mitch Connor?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't know, Kyle, all right? Look, 
                         I don't care what you guys believe. 
                         But with all the crazy stuff that goes 
                         on in this town, isn't it possible, 
                         just possible, that something I don't 
                         understand happened here?
 
                                     KYLE
                          All right.  All right, I guess it's 
                         possible.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hahahahahaaaha!  I got you kinda! I 
                         got you kinda!
 
               [A fast-food Mexican Restaurant, La Taco. People are enjoying 
               their food, one person is waiting for his order, and there are 
               employees behind the counter. One of them looks familiar...]
 
               
                                     MANAGER
                         Okay, Ms. Lopez, over here we have the 
                         toppings station. This is where all 
                         your cheeses and lettuce go on.  .
 
                         
                                     JENNIFER LOPEZ
                          Ow. Look out, muffinhead!

                                     MANAGER
                         Ahh, look, Ms. Lopez, uh, if you're 
                         gonna be a member of the La Taco family, 
                         you're gonna have to learn to get along 
                         with people.
 
                                     JENNIFER LOPEZ
                         Get a what with who?

                                     MANAGER
                         Uh why don't you start chopping those 
                         onions and I'll come check on you a 
                         little later?
 
                                     JENNIFER LOPEZ
                          This is bullshit! How the fuck did 
                         I end up working in a La Taco?! I had 
                         six platinum records and I starred in 
                         five Hollywood movies!
 
                                     COWORKER
                         Yeah. Me too.

               THE END
                                     "JENNIFER LOPEZ"
                         Oh Ben, you are so perfect, so spectacularrr 
                         in every way
 
               You bring light into my life, Ben. You almost make me forget 
               all about...
 
               Tacos! Oh, tacos, so good in my tummy yummy yummy give me more.
 
               
               I love you, Ben. You almost make me forget about...

               Tacos......

Fat Butt And Pancake Head



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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