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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 415


                                      "FAT CAMP"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [South Park Elementary, day, Ms. Choksondik's classroom. Ms. 
               Choksondik enters and stands before the blackboard.]
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Alright, children, as I'm sure you all 
                         remember, today we are going to continue 
                         our biology lesson... b dissecting an 
                         organism.
 
                                     CLASS
                         Yeah! 

                                     BEBE, NEW KUD
                         Woohoo.

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                          Now, what we are going to dissect today 
                         is the West Indian manatee.  Manatees 
                         are mammals that live in the oceans 
                         and are often called the gentle clowns 
                         of the sea.
 
                                     WENDY
                         Aha, Ms. Choksondik, aren't manatees 
                         endangered?
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         They sure are, Wendy, and that's why 
                         we must learn what's inside them.  Now, 
                         we don't have quite enough  manatees 
                         to go around, so I think we're gonna 
                         have to split up into groups of four. 
                         
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hey! Ours is still alive!

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                          Oh, hold on.  Now, children, our first 
                         incision will be along the abdomen.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          I can't do it, dude.

                                     KYLE
                         Aw, don't be such a baby!  You do it, 
                         Kenny.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Nuh uh!)

                                     KYLE
                         Come, on, Kenny! I'll give you five 
                         bucks to do it!
 
                                     KENNY
                         (FIVE BUCKS???) 

                                     STAN
                         Too bad Cartman's missng this. He must 
                         be really sick.
 
               [The Cartman house, living room. Cartman and his mom watch TV. 
               Cartman laughs. Terrance and Phillip are on. They are dressed 
               as detectives They look at a corpse with a dagger stabbed into 
               the chest]
 
                                     PHILLIP
                         Say Terrance, this body appears to have 
                         been moved since the murder. Look at 
                         the forensic evidence around the torso.
 
                         
                                     TERRANCE
                         I don't see anything.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Look closer.  Closer.  Hunh-nh.

                                     TERRANCE
                         I still don't see anything, Phillip.
 
                         
                                     PHILLIP
                         Waitwait. Hunh.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I know what's gonna happen, Mom. You 
                         wanna know what's gonna happen?
 
                                     PHILLIP
                          Keep looking, Terrance. The forensic 
                         evidence is right around here.  Ah! 
                          Af!
 
                                     TERRANCE
                         AAHahahahahahaaa!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Whoa! That totally surprised me!  I 
                         can't believe how the show manages to 
                         stay fresh.
 
                                     LIANE
                         Eh yes, sweetie.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Mom.can you go make me a toaster pastry 
                         chocolate-mix butter bar? 
 
                                     LIANE
                         Oohh, honey, why don't you make it yourself? 
                          Mommy's  expecting  some company.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         God, I have to everythng around here!
 
                         
               [The Cartman house, kitchen. Cartman grabs a stool and walks 
               over to the kitchen counter with it. He starts singing softly 
               as he prepares his dish. He pulls out some Pop Toasties and puts 
               them in a toaster, gets some powdered chocolate milk and a stick 
               of butter, rolls the butter in the powdered milk, gets the Pop 
               Toasties, and places the chocolate-covered butter between the 
               two Pop Toasties. He squeezes down for good measure and makes 
               his way out of the kitchen.]
 
               [The Cartman house, living room. Cartman enters singing to himself]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'mo drag home myself, babih. But the- 
                          What the hell's going on?
 
                                     LIANE
                         Uh, sweetie, your friends wanted to 
                         have a "talk" with you.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Eric, your friends and your family are 
                         all... concerned about your weight. M'kay?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          What?!

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         We believe that you might have a problem.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         You're God-damn right I have a problem! 
                         Terrance and Phillip is on and I don't 
                         have anywhere to sit! Now what the hell 
                         is this?!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         It's called intervention, Eric.

                                     LIANE
                         Your friends and I have all chipped 
                         in and we're going to send you up to 
                         a weight-management retreat.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Fat camp?

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         Yes, fat camp.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Alright, I don't know who the hell put 
                         you all up to this,  but I am sure as 
                         hell not going to any gay-ass fat camp!
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Now, Eric, all these people came here 
                         and paid to send you to camp because 
                         they care about you.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Yeah, except for me. I just wanted to 
                         see the look on your face when they 
                         told you.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Mom, tell them! Tell them I'm not fat, 
                         I'm just big-boned! Tell them all those 
                         stories about how everyone in your famiy 
                         was big as a child but then grew into 
                         their bodies!
 
                                     LIANE
                         Oh, sweetie, those were all lies. You're 
                         just fat. 
 
               [South Park Elementary, day, Ms. Choksondik's class. The manatees 
               have been dissected in various places, and body parts are all 
               over the desks and floor. A drawing of the manatee and its organs 
               is now on the blackboard.]
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         And now we will be removing the spleen. 
                         Notice how the manatee's spleen is designed 
                         for a qu-
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                          Ah, Ms. Choksondik, can we have a quick 
                         word with you?
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                          Alright, continue with the removal 
                         of the spleen, childen. I'll be right 
                         back. 
 
                                     KYLE
                          Aw, dude, check this out. 

                                     STAN
                          That's so gross.

                                     KYLE
                         Hey, Kenny. How much for you to eat 
                         this?
 
                                     KENNY
                         (I'm not eatin' that!)

                                     KYLE
                         I'll give you ten bucks to eat it.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         I'll throw in five.

               [South Park Elementary, day, hallway. Principal Victoria talks 
               to Ms. Choksondik there.]
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         And so apparently there's been a little 
                         mixup. The manatees were meant to go 
                         to the Denver Shelter Aquarium and the 
                         frogs were meant to come here.
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Oh dear.

               [South Park Elementary, day, Ms. Choksondik's class. Some desks 
               have been moved aside and the kids continue contributing to the 
               kitty...]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         I'll throw in a dollar!

                                     BEBE
                         I've got three.

                                     KYLE
                         Come on, dude. All you gotta do is eat 
                         it very fast!
 
                                     STAN
                          forty-one bucks.  Eww-ho-hoo! He did 
                         it!
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                          Alright, children, now, let's get back 
                         in our seats. Uh, we are now going to 
                         put the manatees back together. 
 
               [A wooded area, day. A camp is shown in some hills. It is called 
               "Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center." The Cartman 
               station wagon drives into the camp]
 
                                     LIANE
                         ...And it has basketball courts and tennis 
                         courts, and you can call Mommy any time 
                         you want.  Oh, sweetie-kins, don't be 
                         mad. I'm sure you're going to have a 
                         good time. And when you come back you'll 
                         be all healthy and thin. 
 
                                     MALE COUNSELOR
                         Howdy there. I'm one of the weight counselors 
                         here. This must be Eric Cartman.
 
                                     LIANE
                         Yes. I'm afraid he's a little moody.
 
                         
                                     MALE COUNSELOR
                         Oh, we'll change that.  Hello, camper. 
                         My name is Rick. How are you doing?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, I'm pissed off!, Rick! How are 
                         you?
 
                                     RICK
                         I'm doing great! Why don't you come 
                         on out and we'll get yo oriented.  I'll 
                         take care of him from here, ma'am.
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                         Oh.  Well, goodbye, sweetie.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Don't touch me! 

                                     RICK
                         Eric, this is the beginning of a whole 
                         new life for you!
 
               [Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, later. A 
               group of kids, all of them fat, stand in a circle and look at 
               each other.]
 
                                     BRUNETTE
                          Have you got any candy?

                                     CARTMAN
                         No.

               Taller Boy	[to Cartman's left] My mon says I ain't to eat no 
               candy here. I'm s'psoed to lose weight.
 
                                     RICK
                          Alright! Everybody's here and that 
                         means we can get down to business! Over 
                         the next few weeks we're gonna learn 
                         that losing weight is  fun, right gang?
 
                         
                                     TALLER BOY
                         Right.

                                     RICK
                         Wait a second.  Do you kids hear something? 
                          I could've swore that-
 
                                     PINK MONSTER
                         Raaarrrr!!! 

                                     RICK
                         Oh no, kids! It's glutinous fat!

                                     PINK MONSTER
                         I'm gonna take over your body and make 
                         you slow! 
 
                                     RICK
                         Oh! What are we going to do? Wait! I 
                         know! I could knock it out! With... Exercise! 
                          And... Proper Diet. 
 
                                     PINK MONSTER
                         Oh no! Exercise and proper diet have 
                         killed me. 
 
                                     RICK
                         I guess we took care of that bad old 
                         fat, didn't we kids?
 
                                     TALLER BOY
                         Yeah! 

                                     RICK
                         Well, hold on a second. Because that 
                         glutinous fat was really our good friend, 
                         Susan,  who's another weight counselor! 
                         
 
                                     TALLER BOY
                         Heh! It was a lady in a costume!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Would somebody put this retard out 
                         of his misery?!
 
               [South Park Elementary, day, playground. Stan and Pip stand by 
               Kenny, who's groaning in pain and holding his stomach.]
 
                                     KYLE
                          What's the matter?

                                     STAN
                         Kenny's not feeling so good. That manatee 
                         spleen made him sick. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Uh oh. I guess we shouldn't have made 
                         him eat it. 
 
                                     KIDS
                         Eewww.

                                     STAN
                         Well, at least you got it out of your 
                         system.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Aw, dude! You can still kinda see the 
                         spleen!  How much, Kenny?
 
                                     KENNY
                         (WHAT?!)

                                     KYLE
                         I'll give you five bucks.to eat your 
                         puke.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Huh-I'm in for five!

                                     STAN
                         Oh, you guys!

                                     CLYDE
                         I've got three.

                                     TOKEN
                         Six!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh-here. Uh-you can scoop it up in my 
                         R. Kelly thermos. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         That's 19 bucks, Kenny! 

                                     KENNY
                         (Ungh.) 

                                     KIDS AROND KENNY
                         :	AAAAA!

                                     KIDS AROUND TIMMY
                         :	Waugh.

                                     KYLE
                         Kick ass, dude!

                                     STAN
                         You know, dude, there might be something 
                         to this.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. People are willing to pay big 
                         money to see Kenny do this stuff.
 
                         
               [Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, later. The 
               counselors come up over a hill and down the other side jogging. 
               They stop]
 
                                     RICK
                         Doing great kids! Come on! 

                                     CARTMAN
                          This... is... bullcrap!

               [Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, mess hall, 
               after dinner. Rick is talking to the kids]
 
                                     RICK
                         Well, I sure enjoyed my carrots and 
                         protein bar! How about you, gang?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          I'm starving. This is it. I'm going 
                         to die here.
 
                                     SUSAN
                          I hope you all left room for dessert. 
                         Soybean pudding for everybody! 
 
                                     BRUNET BOY
                          Are you going to eat your soybean pudding?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Take it! I can't eat this crap!

                                     BLONDE GIRL
                          Me neither. I have to have sugar or 
                         I'm going to die.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Yeah, well, when I was in prison, we 
                         used to sneak stuff in by hiding it 
                         up oour ass.
 
                                     BRUNET BOY
                         I have some Fudge 'Ems up my ass. You 
                         want some?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Psss. Yeah, I'm not falling for that 
                         one again!
 
               [Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, night. Cartman 
               sneaks out and creeps along the side of the campers' cabin]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Alright, Clyde Frog. We just gotta clear 
                         the counselor building and we're free. 
                          We did it, Clyde Frog! Now the only 
                         question is, do we go home to our traitor 
                         moms and friends, or do we start a new 
                         life on the run?  An ice cream truck! 
                         Hey wait!  Boy, am I glad to see you!
 
                         
                                     DRIVER
                         Can I interest you in some ice cream?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         You're damn right you can! Two Roller 
                         Pops, please!
 
                                     DRIVER
                          Alrighty, do you want this kind or 
                         this kind? 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hunh?  Uuh! 

                                     BOY 1
                         They tricked us again, huh?

                                     CARTMAN
                          Aw, God-damnit!  LET ME OUT OF HMYA! 
                         
 
                                     DRIVER
                         Hang on, we'll be back at camp in a 
                         matter of no time. 
 
               [Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, moments later. 
               The campers' cabin door is opened and the five escapees return 
               to their bunks]
 
                                     BOY 1
                         They always get us. Sometimes it's a 
                         ice cream truck, sometimes it's a taco 
                         stand. But they always fool us..
 
                                     TALLER BOY
                         Heh-I can't help it. I'd give anything. 
                         Any amount of money for some candy. 
                         
 
                                     RICK
                         Hey kids!

                                     SUSSAN
                         Looks like we had some attemptted escapees 
                         again tonight.
 
                                     RICK
                         Escape-aroo! Now campers, I know that 
                         camp is tough, but you have to believe 
                         that you can do it. And you have to 
                         know that until you drop the weight, 
                         you can't leave.
 
                                     SUSAN
                          Thre is no escape.

                                     RICK
                         So let's just all put on our try-hard 
                         helmets, and accept that the only way 
                         for us to get out of camp, is to LOSE 
                         THE WEIGHT
 
                                     ERIC
                          Aw, damnit!

               [South Park, the Cartman house. Butters and Timmy have replaced 
               Cartman in the boy's group for now, and they stand in front of 
               the Broflosdki parents, Mr. Mackey, Mr. Garrison, Sharon March, 
               Principal Victoria, and Dr. Doctor. They argue amongst themselves.]
 
               
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         That's what being young is all about.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          But that's not the question.

                                     LIANE
                         Thanks for coming, everybody.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Uh what's all this about, Mrs. Cartman? 
                         Is Eric having trouble at havin' trouble 
                         at his weight-management camp?
 
                                     STAN
                         We knew he wouldn't make it.

                                     LIANE
                         Oh, no. Quite the contrary. Eric showed 
                         up and surprised me last night. Ladies 
                         and gentlemen, I would like to present 
                         to you... the new Eric Cartman. 
 
                                     NEW CARTMAN
                         Hey, dudes!

                                     KYLE
                         Whoa! 

                                     STAN
                         I don't believe it.

                                     LIANE
                         Believe it. He lost 40 pounds at his 
                         fat camp. 
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Eric, that's fantastic, m'kay?!

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Congratulations. How do you feel?

                                     NEW CARTMAN
                         I feel awesome!

                                     KYLE
                         What did they do with all the fat? There 
                         must have been enough to last an Eskimo 
                         family months.
 
                                     NEW CARTMAN
                         You know, Kyle? There was a time when 
                         your fat jokes would have gotten to 
                         me. But now I'm totally slim and totally 
                         happy! In fact, I'd say I'm  a little 
                         bit trimmer than you, fatboy!  Heh heh. 
                         Just kidding, Kyle.
 
                                     LIANE
                         I made some healthy tofu pudding to 
                         celebrate. Who wants some?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Memememeee! 

                                     KYLE
                         Dude. I don't know if I'm going to like 
                         the new Eric Cartman.
 
                                     STAN
                         Did you like the old one?

                                     KYLE
                         Good point.

               [Jesus and Pals]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         And now back to Jesus and Pals, on South 
                         Park Public Access.
 
                                     JESUS
                          Back to our courageous story of a little 
                         boy's triumph over obesity. Eric, yea. 
                         You found that the Spirit of the Lord 
                         inside you gave you strength.
 
                                     NEW CARTMAN
                         No. Actually, I found a diet that totally 
                         works.
 
                                     JESUS
                         A little boy who overcame the odds. 
                         Let's hear it for Eric Cartman!  Well, 
                         our second guest tonight is a young 
                         man named Kenny McCormick, who is going 
                         to eat dog crap. Kenny? 
 
                                     NEW CARTMAN
                         God-damnit, all I got was a little golf 
                         clap!
 
                                     JESUS
                          Thanks for coming on the show, Kenny.
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                          (Sure!)

                                     MAN 1
                         Do it again!

                                     MAN 2
                         Do it again!

                                     MAN 3
                         Hey kid! I'll give you 20 bucks to eat 
                         a really old piece of bacon!
 
                                     NEW CARTMAN
                         This is ridiculous! 

                                     JESUS
                         So. Kenny, how did you discover that 
                         you had this... talent?
 
                                     STAN
                         We thought of it, Jesus. I mean, Kenny's 
                         the one that does it all, but we were 
                         the masterminds of the whole thing.
 
                         
                                     JESUS
                         I can't say I approve of this, my children.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          Huh? Why not?

                                     JESUS
                         Because Kenny is only doing things that 
                         anybody could do. For money. He's a 
                         prostitute.
 
                                     MAN 4
                         I'll pay him 50 bucks to eat someone 
                         else's vomit.
 
                                     MAN 5
                         Yeah!

                                     MAN 6
                         Yeah! Go for it!

                                     STAN
                          What's a prostitute?

                                     KYLE
                         I don't know.

               [South Park Elementary, day, cafeteria. The kids mill around 
               and eat during lunchtime. In line for their lunches are Criag, 
               Tweek, Butters, and a few others. In the kitchen Stan, Kyle, 
               and Kenny arrive for their lunches.]
 
                                     CHEF
                          Hello there, children!

                                     STAN, KYLE, KENNY
                         Hey, Chef:

                                     STAN
                         Chef, what's a prostitute?

                                     CHEF
                          Dag-nabbit children! How come every 
                         time you come in here you gotta be askin' 
                         me questons that I shouldn't be answering?! 
                         "Chef, what's the clitoris?" "What's 
                         a lesbian, Chef?" "How come they call 
                         it a rim jub, Chef?"  For once, can't 
                         just come in here and say, "Hi Chef. 
                         Nice day, isn't it?"!
 
                                     STAN
                         Hi Chef. Nice day, isn't it?

                                     CHEF
                          It sure is! Thank you.

                                     STAN
                         Chef, what's a prostitute?

                                     CHEF
                         Uh uh! You children are gonna get me 
                         in trouble with the principal again.
 
                         
                                     NEW CARTMAN
                          Lunchtime! I'm starved!

                                     CHEF
                         Oh my God. Eric?

                                     NEW CARTMAN
                         That's me.

                                     STAN
                         Chef was just about to tell us what 
                         a protitute is.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Why do you need to know what a prostitue 
                         is anyway?!
 
                                     STAN
                         Because Jesus told us that Kenny's a 
                         prostitute. Is he?
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah. Am I?)

                                     CHEF
                         Well, no, uh of course Kenny is not 
                         a prostitute.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Why?

                                     CHEF
                         Well, because, children, a prostitute 
                         is someone who... you could pay for certain 
                         services.
 
                                     STAN
                         Like what?

                                     CHEF
                         Like keeping you company. Understand?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         No.

                                     CHEF
                         You see, chidren, sometimes a man needs 
                         to be with a woman. But sometimes, when 
                         the lovin' is over, the woman just wants 
                         to talk and talk and talk and talk. 
                         
 
               But a prostitute is someonen who would love you

               No matter who you are, or what you look like. Yes, it's true, 
               children.
 
               [the new Crtman looks at the other boys as he starts sneaking 
               away. They don't notice him. Other kids, Jordan, Token, Clyde, 
               Butters, and Bebe, enter the kitchen]
 
               That's not why you pay a prostitute,

               no, you don't pay her to stay, you pay her to leave afterwards.
 
               
               [Principal Victoria arrives and listens]

               That's why I pays a lot for prostitutes! Ladies and Gentlemen, 
               Mr. James Taylor. 
 
                                     JAMES TAYLOR
                         

               A prostitute is like any other woman

               They all trade somethin' for sex and they do it well.

               [the new Cartman goes into the upply room and starts packing 
               donuts into his backpack]
 
                                     CHEF
                         And that's why I say-

                                     CHEF
                         Oohhhh  ...James Taylor, what the hell 
                         are you doin' in here?! Singing' about 
                         prostitutes to the children! Get out 
                         of here!  ...These children tricked me!
 
                         
               [Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, that night. 
               After being tucked int bed, the new Cartman senaks out and rides 
               a bike towards the Center, hides the bike near the entrance, 
               and approaches the gate]
 
                                     NEW CARTMAN
                          Oh, there you are. Alright, I got the 
                         goods. Some candy bars, a few donuts, 
                         and some beef gravy.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Is anyone starting to suspect anything?
 
                         
                                     NEW CARTMAN
                         Nobody. Your mom even thinks I'm a skinny 
                         you.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ahawesome! Alright, throw it over!
 
                         
                                     NEW CARTMAN
                         Uh uh. One thing. I want a bigger cut.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         What?!

                                     NEW CARTMAN
                         I'm the one risking my ass, running 
                         around in that stupid town pretending 
                         to be you and collecting all the food 
                         to bring up here! All you have to do 
                         is sit back and sell it to all the fat 
                         kids!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Alright alright! Keep your voice down! 
                         I'll bump you up to 10%.
 
                                     NEW CARTMAN
                         Twenty.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Suck my balls, 20!

                                     NEW CARTMAN
                         Fine! Then I shall bid you good day! 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Waitwaitwaitwait! Fine, 20! But just 
                         remember that your parents thnk that 
                         you're in the drug rehab center next 
                         door! You blow your cover and we're 
                         both screwed! 
 
               [The University of Colorado, dorm room. Several students are 
               reading their books while clothes is strewn all over the place]
 
               
                                     STUDENT 1
                          You guys! You have to check this tape 
                         out!
 
                                     STUDENT 2
                          Ey, we're trying to study. Finals are 
                         tomorrow.
 
                                     STUDENT 1
                         No, dude, check this out! It's a video: 
                         this kid, he does all kinds of crazy 
                         stuff.  Check it out! He jumped into 
                         a Porto-Potty at a construction site 
                         and stayed there for four days! 
 
                                     OTHER STUDENTS
                         Whoa! 

                                     KENNY
                          (Ow.)

                                     STUDENT 1
                         Oh, gro-hoss

                                     STUDENT 3
                         Sick!

                                     STUDENT 2
                         That's awesome!  Hey guys! Check this 
                         out!
 
               [The Krazy Kenny Show, live]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                          Get ready for the Krrrrrrazy Kenny 
                         Show!  And now here's your host, the 
                         kid who will do anythng to himself for 
                         money, Krrrra--a--a-a-azy Kenny!  Kenny, 
                         through the past weeks we've seen you 
                         eat mice, pretend to kill newborn babies 
                         to shock their mothers and ...wash your 
                         hair with battery acid. The question 
                         in all our minds is, who-haht are you 
                         gonna do next? 
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Well, I'm gonna give my grandfather 
                         a full-body sensual massage.)
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Whoa-ho ho! You heard him, folks! Kenny 
                         is going to give a sensual full-body 
                         massage to his own grandfather!
 
                                     MAN 1
                         Oho! Yeah!

                                     MAN 2
                         Woohoo!

               [Fanfare as the stage rotates to reveal Kenny's grandfather relaxing 
               on a heart-shaped bed. Kenny opens up a pcket of ]
 
                                     AUDIENCE
                         Awww! Awgh!

                                     STAN
                         Wow! This is Kenny's best show ever!
 
                         
                                     NEW CARTMAN
                         This is so juvenile. 

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman, what the hell's the matter 
                         with you? 
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, you've gotten lame since you got 
                         skinny. What's up?
 
                                     NEW CARTMAN
                         Eh, nothing. Hey, can I have some of 
                         that licorice to- take home?
 
               [Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, next night. 
               Rick is in the campers' cabin]
 
                                     RICK
                         Alright campers, good work today. Lights 
                         out, and we'll see you tomorrow for 
                         more exercise and proper diet. 
 
                                     SUSAN
                          All beddy-byes for the night, are they?
 
                         
                                     RICK
                         I don't know what we're doing wrong, 
                         Susan. These kids aren't losing the 
                         weight.
 
                                     SUSAN
                         We;ll just have to give them more time. 
                         They'll do it!
 
                                     RICK
                         They'll do it.

                                     SUSAN
                         They'll do it!! 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Alright, they're gone!  The Cartman 
                         store is open! 
 
                                     BLONDE GIRL
                          Two donuts and a pack of licorice, 
                         please.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Two donuts and a pack of licorice. 
                          Well, Tony, the usual?  Why are you 
                         crying, Chad?
 
                                     CHAD
                          'Cause I'm always gonna be fat. I don't 
                         wanna eat no sweets, but I can't control 
                         myself when they're right in front of 
                         me like this.  All my life I've been 
                         fat. I've beh- I've been to seven camps 
                         and I swore to my momma that I'd lose 
                         the weight. I want to, but I can't help 
                         myself. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hey, Chad, eh... You know what you need? 
                         You need a friend.
 
                                     CHAD
                          I'd, I do?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes.  A chocolate friend.  Mr. Candy 
                         Bar doesn't judge you, Chad. Mr. Candy 
                         Bar likes you just the way you are. 
                          Look at how yummy and sweet he is. 
                          ...There you go. That'll just be four 
                         dollars.  ...There you go.
 
               [A Krazy Kenny Show promo]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         This week on Pay Per View , Krazy Kenny 
                         will crawl up into a woman's uterus 
                         and  stay there for six hours. Don't 
                         miss this once-in-a-lifetime event. 
                         Order now!
 
               [The big city, day. City noise is heard. Next shot is in a studio, 
               with Howard Stern hosting, and three guests. On the walls are 
               posters, one of which is of Eltn John. Two loves dolls are in 
               the background, and the Antonio Banderas one is behind Stern]
 
               
                                     HOWARD STERN
                         Alright, so we're back talkin' to three 
                         competing celebrities: Tom Green, Johnny 
                         Knoxville from MTV's Jackass and Krazy 
                         Kenny.
 
                                     TOM GREEN
                         Hey, Howard.

                                     HOWARD STERN
                         Krazy Kenny is here to promote his Pay-Per-View 
                         special this week, where he will crawl 
                         up into a bus driver's uterus and stay 
                         there for six hous.
 
                                     JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
                          Wow!

                                     HOWARD STERN
                         Now, some people that all you guys do 
                         is perform sick and disgusting acts 
                         for shock value and money, which makes 
                         you whores. But I'd like to prove them 
                         wrong. So what I'm gonna do... is I'm 
                         gonna offer each of you $50,000 to give 
                         me oral sex right now.
 
                                     TOM GREEN
                         I'm in.

                                     JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
                         Me too.

                                     KENNY
                         (And me!)

                                     HOWARD STERN
                         Oh.

                                     TOM GREEN
                         Fine! I'll do it for 40!

                                     JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
                         30.

                                     TOM GREEN
                          20!

                                     KENNY
                         (...Ten bucks!)

                                     HOWARD STERN
                         Ooh, the kid says he'll do it for ten 
                         bucks.
 
                                     TOM GREEN
                         Damnit. I'm out.

                                     JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
                         Me too. I guess he is the biggest whore.
 
                         
                                     HOWARD STERN
                         Alright, let's get going, then. Can 
                         we cut the cameras?
 
               [Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, day. Exercise...]
 
               
                                     RICK
                         And we're gonna reach fo the sky... 
 
                         
                                     CAMPERS
                          Woo-aagh.

               Rick...	And down to the ground. [touches the ground with his fingertips]
 
               
                                     CAMPERS
                          Woo-ugh.

                                     RICK
                         And up to the sky... 

                                     CAMPERS
                          Woo-aagh. 

               Rick...	And down to the ground. [touches the ground with his fingertips]
 
               
                                     CAMPERS
                          Woo-ugh. 

                                     SUSAN
                         Please, Mr. Sanders. 

                                     MR. SANDERS
                         No! I have had it!

                                     RICK
                         What's happening?

                                     SUSAN
                         Horace's parents want to take him home.
 
                         
                                     RICK
                         Oh! But he's not ready yet.

                                     MR. SANDERS
                         Look at what you've done to my boy! 
                         You told Horace that he was responsible 
                         for his weight! You made him believe 
                         that with exercise and proper diet, 
                         he could be thin! When we told you it 
                         was his genetics!
 
                                     RICK
                         They can lose the weight if they try.
 
                         
                                     MR. SANDERS
                         Look at these kids! They're not getting 
                         any thinner!  Your camp is a fraud! 
                         You need to accept the fact that most 
                         fat people are just genetically fat!
 
                         
                                     SUSAN
                         Please, sir, if you give us one more 
                         week,...
 
                                     MR. SANDERS
                         Your time is up!

                                     MRS. SANDERS
                         Yeah, your time is up!

                                     MR. SANDERS
                         And I'm going to call all the other 
                         parents to tell them to come claim their 
                         kids as well! Your camp is a WASTE ...of 
                         time!
 
                                     HORACE
                         But, Dad, I...

                                     MR. SANDERS
                         What?! 

                                     HORACE
                         ...Nothin'. 

                                     SUSAN
                         We're in trouble, Rick.

               [South Park, day. At the television studio preparations are made 
               for Kenny's test of endurance. Tweek, Token, Clyde, Butters, 
               and Kyle (with hammer) are onstage. The sounds of sawing and 
               hammering fill the air. Ms. Crabtree is prepped for the test, 
               with her legs spread open and the genital area blocked off by 
               small curtains.]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Alright, Ms. Crabtree. Is it comf'table 
                         enough?
 
                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         HOW LONG HAVE I GOT TO SIT HERE?

                                     KYLE
                         Six hours.

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         HELL, I'LL DO SIX HOURS FOR THE FIVE 
                         HUNDRED BUCKS YOU'RE PAYING ME!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Great.

                                     STAN
                          You guys! It's Kenny! He's been arrested 
                         for prostitution in New York!
 
                                     KYLE
                         For what?

                                     STAN
                         For giving Howard Stern a hummer!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Who-what's a hummer??

                                     STAN
                         I don't know! All I know is Kenny is 
                         in jail for at least three months!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Three months?! But the per-per-view 
                         is tomorrow!
 
                                     STAN
                         I know! 

                                     KYLE
                          He worked so hard, come so close. Now 
                         we'll never see Kenny crawl up into 
                         Ms. Crabtree's uterus.
 
                                     NEW CARTMAN
                         You know, maybe we've all learned something 
                         here. I mean, we set Kenny up to further 
                         and further himself each time, havin' 
                         to always outdo himself. Now he's in 
                         jail for being a whore. And perhaps, 
                         just perhaps, we are to blame. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         ...Alright, that does it!  This has been 
                         bothering the hell out of me!  I knew 
                         it! You're not Cartman at all!
 
                                     NEW CARTMAN
                         Uh oh.

               [The Krazy Kenny Show. The big moment arrives]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Well, we'vee seen him do just about 
                         every disgusting thing in the book, 
                         and today live on pay-per-view, Krazy 
                         Kenny is going to crawl into a woman's 
                         uterus for six hours!  Well, Ms. Crabtree, 
                         your cervix has been dilated, your womb 
                         equipped with oxygen- How do you feel?
 
                         
                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         I feel great! I haven't had this much 
                         attention paid to my coot since I was 
                         16!
 
                                     AUDIENCE
                          Hooray!

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Well, let's bring out the man of the 
                         hour, you know him as the-
 
               [The Krazy Kenny Show, backstage. Kyle and Stan get the new Cartman, 
               now the new Kenny, ready, dressing him like Kenny.]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Don't wory, dude. You're gonna do great.
 
                         
                                     NEW KENNY
                          No way! I'm not doing this!

                                     KYLE
                         Hoh, you're doing it, or else we're 
                         gonna bust your whole scheme wide open, 
                         and tell your mom you haven't actually 
                         been at your drug rehab this whole time!
 
                         
                                     NEW KENNY
                         But this isn't fair!

                                     STAN
                          Deal, druggie!

                                     NEW KENNY
                         (But I'm gonna starve to death if I 
                         get in there)
 
               [The Krazy Kenny Show, later]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         And here he is, Kenny McCormick!  We 
                         can watch him on the video monitors. 
                         How are you doin' in there, Kenny? 
 
                         
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         That's my boy! 

               [Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, next day. 
               The parents have come for their campers. All the parents are 
               fat, too.]
 
                                     RICK
                         Good-bye, Chad.

                                     CHAD'S DAD
                         We'll be wanting our refund, naturally.
 
                         
                                     RICK
                         Naturally.

                                     SUSAN
                         Good-bye, Alice.

                                     ALICE
                         Good-bye. Thank you.

                                     RICK
                         Oh, don't thnak us. We failed you.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          ...65, 66, 67... 

                                     CHAD
                          Wait a second! This isn't right!  It's 
                         time for me to be responsible for my 
                         own actions! Mom, Dad, we've been eating 
                         candy this whole time! Eric Cartman's 
                         been sneaking in junk food!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Eh- shut up, you half-Chad!

                                     HORACE
                         No, he's right. The counselors've been 
                         doing a good job. We've just been cheating.
 
                         
                                     OTHER CAMPERS
                         Yeah.

                                     HORACE
                         I believe I can lose the weight with 
                         exercise and proper diet. I don't wanna 
                         make excuses no more.
 
                                     GIRL
                         Me neither.

                                     OTHER CAMPERS
                         Yeah. 

                                     HORACE
                         If you take us back, we promise we won't 
                         cheat.
 
                                     RICK
                         Well, it's alright with me. Parents?
 
                         
                                     MR. SANDERS
                         Well, what the heck. Maybe when you're 
                         all donen you can teaach me a thing 
                         or two, huh son? 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You know? You guys are right. I'm sick 
                         of being the fat kid, too. I've been 
                         making excuses all my life. But I know 
                         deep down that if I took responsibility 
                         and really tried hard, and we all tried 
                         together, well we really can lose the 
                         weight! 
 
                                     SUSAN
                         Oh no, not you. You're not welcome here 
                         anymore.
 
                                     CAMPERS
                         Yeah.

                                     CARTMAN
                         What?!

                                     RICK
                         Bubbye. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, screw you, fatasses! 

               [The Krazy Kenny Show, stage. The countdown continues...]

                                     AUDIENCE
                         Four, three, two, one!

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         He did it! Come on out, Kenny!  You 
                         made it six hours, Kenny. Come on out 
                         of there.  Hmmm. Uh, Ms. Crabtree, maybe 
                         you could give him a little push. 
 
                         
                                     AUDIENCE
                         OOOOHHHHHH!

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         He's dead. The pressure must have killed 
                         him.
 
                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         I told you I was a tight virgin flower.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Oh my God, they've killed Kenny! ...Sort 
                         of.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. They've kinda killed Kenny -'s 
                         look-alike. You bastards!
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Well, he gave his life for our amusement. 
                         One little boy who dared to be different. 
                         Let us never forget... Kenny McCormick. 
                          Who was that?
 
               THE END

Fat Camp



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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