[South Park Elementary, day, Ms. Choksondik's classroom. Ms.
Choksondik enters and stands before the blackboard.]
Alright, children, as I'm sure you all
remember, today we are going to continue
our biology lesson... b dissecting an
BEBE, NEW KUD
Now, what we are going to dissect today
is the West Indian manatee. Manatees
are mammals that live in the oceans
and are often called the gentle clowns
of the sea.
Aha, Ms. Choksondik, aren't manatees
They sure are, Wendy, and that's why
we must learn what's inside them. Now,
we don't have quite enough manatees
to go around, so I think we're gonna
have to split up into groups of four.
Hey! Ours is still alive!
Oh, hold on. Now, children, our first
incision will be along the abdomen.
I can't do it, dude.
Aw, don't be such a baby! You do it,
Come, on, Kenny! I'll give you five
bucks to do it!
Too bad Cartman's missng this. He must
be really sick.
[The Cartman house, living room. Cartman and his mom watch TV.
Cartman laughs. Terrance and Phillip are on. They are dressed
as detectives They look at a corpse with a dagger stabbed into
Say Terrance, this body appears to have
been moved since the murder. Look at
the forensic evidence around the torso.
I don't see anything.
Look closer. Closer. Hunh-nh.
I still don't see anything, Phillip.
I know what's gonna happen, Mom. You
wanna know what's gonna happen?
Keep looking, Terrance. The forensic
evidence is right around here. Ah!
Whoa! That totally surprised me! I
can't believe how the show manages to
Eh yes, sweetie.
Mom.can you go make me a toaster pastry
chocolate-mix butter bar?
Oohh, honey, why don't you make it yourself?
Mommy's expecting some company.
God, I have to everythng around here!
[The Cartman house, kitchen. Cartman grabs a stool and walks
over to the kitchen counter with it. He starts singing softly
as he prepares his dish. He pulls out some Pop Toasties and puts
them in a toaster, gets some powdered chocolate milk and a stick
of butter, rolls the butter in the powdered milk, gets the Pop
Toasties, and places the chocolate-covered butter between the
two Pop Toasties. He squeezes down for good measure and makes
his way out of the kitchen.]
[The Cartman house, living room. Cartman enters singing to himself]
I'mo drag home myself, babih. But the-
What the hell's going on?
Uh, sweetie, your friends wanted to
have a "talk" with you.
Eric, your friends and your family are
all... concerned about your weight. M'kay?
We believe that you might have a problem.
You're God-damn right I have a problem!
Terrance and Phillip is on and I don't
have anywhere to sit! Now what the hell
It's called intervention, Eric.
Your friends and I have all chipped
in and we're going to send you up to
a weight-management retreat.
Yes, fat camp.
Alright, I don't know who the hell put
you all up to this, but I am sure as
hell not going to any gay-ass fat camp!
Now, Eric, all these people came here
and paid to send you to camp because
they care about you.
Yeah, except for me. I just wanted to
see the look on your face when they
Mom, tell them! Tell them I'm not fat,
I'm just big-boned! Tell them all those
stories about how everyone in your famiy
was big as a child but then grew into
Oh, sweetie, those were all lies. You're
[South Park Elementary, day, Ms. Choksondik's class. The manatees
have been dissected in various places, and body parts are all
over the desks and floor. A drawing of the manatee and its organs
is now on the blackboard.]
And now we will be removing the spleen.
Notice how the manatee's spleen is designed
for a qu-
Ah, Ms. Choksondik, can we have a quick
word with you?
Alright, continue with the removal
of the spleen, childen. I'll be right
Aw, dude, check this out.
That's so gross.
Hey, Kenny. How much for you to eat
(I'm not eatin' that!)
I'll give you ten bucks to eat it.
I'll throw in five.
[South Park Elementary, day, hallway. Principal Victoria talks
to Ms. Choksondik there.]
And so apparently there's been a little
mixup. The manatees were meant to go
to the Denver Shelter Aquarium and the
frogs were meant to come here.
[South Park Elementary, day, Ms. Choksondik's class. Some desks
have been moved aside and the kids continue contributing to the
I'll throw in a dollar!
I've got three.
Come on, dude. All you gotta do is eat
it very fast!
forty-one bucks. Eww-ho-hoo! He did
Alright, children, now, let's get back
in our seats. Uh, we are now going to
put the manatees back together.
[A wooded area, day. A camp is shown in some hills. It is called
"Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center." The Cartman
station wagon drives into the camp]
...And it has basketball courts and tennis
courts, and you can call Mommy any time
you want. Oh, sweetie-kins, don't be
mad. I'm sure you're going to have a
good time. And when you come back you'll
be all healthy and thin.
Howdy there. I'm one of the weight counselors
here. This must be Eric Cartman.
Yes. I'm afraid he's a little moody.
Oh, we'll change that. Hello, camper.
My name is Rick. How are you doing?
Well, I'm pissed off!, Rick! How are
I'm doing great! Why don't you come
on out and we'll get yo oriented. I'll
take care of him from here, ma'am.
Oh. Well, goodbye, sweetie.
Don't touch me!
Eric, this is the beginning of a whole
new life for you!
[Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, later. A
group of kids, all of them fat, stand in a circle and look at
Have you got any candy?
Taller Boy [to Cartman's left] My mon says I ain't to eat no
candy here. I'm s'psoed to lose weight.
Alright! Everybody's here and that
means we can get down to business! Over
the next few weeks we're gonna learn
that losing weight is fun, right gang?
Wait a second. Do you kids hear something?
I could've swore that-
Oh no, kids! It's glutinous fat!
I'm gonna take over your body and make
Oh! What are we going to do? Wait! I
know! I could knock it out! With... Exercise!
And... Proper Diet.
Oh no! Exercise and proper diet have
I guess we took care of that bad old
fat, didn't we kids?
Well, hold on a second. Because that
glutinous fat was really our good friend,
Susan, who's another weight counselor!
Heh! It was a lady in a costume!
Would somebody put this retard out
of his misery?!
[South Park Elementary, day, playground. Stan and Pip stand by
Kenny, who's groaning in pain and holding his stomach.]
What's the matter?
Kenny's not feeling so good. That manatee
spleen made him sick.
Uh oh. I guess we shouldn't have made
him eat it.
Well, at least you got it out of your
Aw, dude! You can still kinda see the
spleen! How much, Kenny?
I'll give you five bucks.to eat your
Huh-I'm in for five!
Oh, you guys!
I've got three.
Uh-here. Uh-you can scoop it up in my
R. Kelly thermos.
That's 19 bucks, Kenny!
KIDS AROND KENNY
KIDS AROUND TIMMY
Kick ass, dude!
You know, dude, there might be something
Yeah. People are willing to pay big
money to see Kenny do this stuff.
[Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, later. The
counselors come up over a hill and down the other side jogging.
Doing great kids! Come on!
This... is... bullcrap!
[Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, mess hall,
after dinner. Rick is talking to the kids]
Well, I sure enjoyed my carrots and
protein bar! How about you, gang?
I'm starving. This is it. I'm going
to die here.
I hope you all left room for dessert.
Soybean pudding for everybody!
Are you going to eat your soybean pudding?
Take it! I can't eat this crap!
Me neither. I have to have sugar or
I'm going to die.
Yeah, well, when I was in prison, we
used to sneak stuff in by hiding it
up oour ass.
I have some Fudge 'Ems up my ass. You
Psss. Yeah, I'm not falling for that
[Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, night. Cartman
sneaks out and creeps along the side of the campers' cabin]
Alright, Clyde Frog. We just gotta clear
the counselor building and we're free.
We did it, Clyde Frog! Now the only
question is, do we go home to our traitor
moms and friends, or do we start a new
life on the run? An ice cream truck!
Hey wait! Boy, am I glad to see you!
Can I interest you in some ice cream?
You're damn right you can! Two Roller
Alrighty, do you want this kind or
They tricked us again, huh?
Aw, God-damnit! LET ME OUT OF HMYA!
Hang on, we'll be back at camp in a
matter of no time.
[Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, moments later.
The campers' cabin door is opened and the five escapees return
to their bunks]
They always get us. Sometimes it's a
ice cream truck, sometimes it's a taco
stand. But they always fool us..
Heh-I can't help it. I'd give anything.
Any amount of money for some candy.
Looks like we had some attemptted escapees
Escape-aroo! Now campers, I know that
camp is tough, but you have to believe
that you can do it. And you have to
know that until you drop the weight,
you can't leave.
Thre is no escape.
So let's just all put on our try-hard
helmets, and accept that the only way
for us to get out of camp, is to LOSE
[South Park, the Cartman house. Butters and Timmy have replaced
Cartman in the boy's group for now, and they stand in front of
the Broflosdki parents, Mr. Mackey, Mr. Garrison, Sharon March,
Principal Victoria, and Dr. Doctor. They argue amongst themselves.]
That's what being young is all about.
But that's not the question.
Thanks for coming, everybody.
Uh what's all this about, Mrs. Cartman?
Is Eric having trouble at havin' trouble
at his weight-management camp?
We knew he wouldn't make it.
Oh, no. Quite the contrary. Eric showed
up and surprised me last night. Ladies
and gentlemen, I would like to present
to you... the new Eric Cartman.
I don't believe it.
Believe it. He lost 40 pounds at his
Eric, that's fantastic, m'kay?!
Congratulations. How do you feel?
I feel awesome!
What did they do with all the fat? There
must have been enough to last an Eskimo
You know, Kyle? There was a time when
your fat jokes would have gotten to
me. But now I'm totally slim and totally
happy! In fact, I'd say I'm a little
bit trimmer than you, fatboy! Heh heh.
Just kidding, Kyle.
I made some healthy tofu pudding to
celebrate. Who wants some?
Dude. I don't know if I'm going to like
the new Eric Cartman.
Did you like the old one?
[Jesus and Pals]
And now back to Jesus and Pals, on South
Park Public Access.
Back to our courageous story of a little
boy's triumph over obesity. Eric, yea.
You found that the Spirit of the Lord
inside you gave you strength.
No. Actually, I found a diet that totally
A little boy who overcame the odds.
Let's hear it for Eric Cartman! Well,
our second guest tonight is a young
man named Kenny McCormick, who is going
to eat dog crap. Kenny?
God-damnit, all I got was a little golf
Thanks for coming on the show, Kenny.
Do it again!
Do it again!
Hey kid! I'll give you 20 bucks to eat
a really old piece of bacon!
This is ridiculous!
So. Kenny, how did you discover that
you had this... talent?
We thought of it, Jesus. I mean, Kenny's
the one that does it all, but we were
the masterminds of the whole thing.
I can't say I approve of this, my children.
Huh? Why not?
Because Kenny is only doing things that
anybody could do. For money. He's a
I'll pay him 50 bucks to eat someone
Yeah! Go for it!
What's a prostitute?
I don't know.
[South Park Elementary, day, cafeteria. The kids mill around
and eat during lunchtime. In line for their lunches are Criag,
Tweek, Butters, and a few others. In the kitchen Stan, Kyle,
and Kenny arrive for their lunches.]
Hello there, children!
STAN, KYLE, KENNY
Chef, what's a prostitute?
Dag-nabbit children! How come every
time you come in here you gotta be askin'
me questons that I shouldn't be answering?!
"Chef, what's the clitoris?" "What's
a lesbian, Chef?" "How come they call
it a rim jub, Chef?" For once, can't
just come in here and say, "Hi Chef.
Nice day, isn't it?"!
Hi Chef. Nice day, isn't it?
It sure is! Thank you.
Chef, what's a prostitute?
Uh uh! You children are gonna get me
in trouble with the principal again.
Lunchtime! I'm starved!
Oh my God. Eric?
Chef was just about to tell us what
a protitute is.
Why do you need to know what a prostitue
Because Jesus told us that Kenny's a
prostitute. Is he?
(Yeah. Am I?)
Well, no, uh of course Kenny is not
Well, because, children, a prostitute
is someone who... you could pay for certain
Like keeping you company. Understand?
You see, chidren, sometimes a man needs
to be with a woman. But sometimes, when
the lovin' is over, the woman just wants
to talk and talk and talk and talk.
But a prostitute is someonen who would love you
No matter who you are, or what you look like. Yes, it's true,
[the new Crtman looks at the other boys as he starts sneaking
away. They don't notice him. Other kids, Jordan, Token, Clyde,
Butters, and Bebe, enter the kitchen]
That's not why you pay a prostitute,
no, you don't pay her to stay, you pay her to leave afterwards.
[Principal Victoria arrives and listens]
That's why I pays a lot for prostitutes! Ladies and Gentlemen,
Mr. James Taylor.
A prostitute is like any other woman
They all trade somethin' for sex and they do it well.
[the new Cartman goes into the upply room and starts packing
donuts into his backpack]
And that's why I say-
Oohhhh ...James Taylor, what the hell
are you doin' in here?! Singing' about
prostitutes to the children! Get out
of here! ...These children tricked me!
[Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, that night.
After being tucked int bed, the new Cartman senaks out and rides
a bike towards the Center, hides the bike near the entrance,
and approaches the gate]
Oh, there you are. Alright, I got the
goods. Some candy bars, a few donuts,
and some beef gravy.
Is anyone starting to suspect anything?
Nobody. Your mom even thinks I'm a skinny
Ahawesome! Alright, throw it over!
Uh uh. One thing. I want a bigger cut.
I'm the one risking my ass, running
around in that stupid town pretending
to be you and collecting all the food
to bring up here! All you have to do
is sit back and sell it to all the fat
Alright alright! Keep your voice down!
I'll bump you up to 10%.
Suck my balls, 20!
Fine! Then I shall bid you good day!
Waitwaitwaitwait! Fine, 20! But just
remember that your parents thnk that
you're in the drug rehab center next
door! You blow your cover and we're
[The University of Colorado, dorm room. Several students are
reading their books while clothes is strewn all over the place]
You guys! You have to check this tape
Ey, we're trying to study. Finals are
No, dude, check this out! It's a video:
this kid, he does all kinds of crazy
stuff. Check it out! He jumped into
a Porto-Potty at a construction site
and stayed there for four days!
That's awesome! Hey guys! Check this
[The Krazy Kenny Show, live]
Get ready for the Krrrrrrazy Kenny
Show! And now here's your host, the
kid who will do anythng to himself for
money, Krrrra--a--a-a-azy Kenny! Kenny,
through the past weeks we've seen you
eat mice, pretend to kill newborn babies
to shock their mothers and ...wash your
hair with battery acid. The question
in all our minds is, who-haht are you
gonna do next?
(Well, I'm gonna give my grandfather
a full-body sensual massage.)
Whoa-ho ho! You heard him, folks! Kenny
is going to give a sensual full-body
massage to his own grandfather!
[Fanfare as the stage rotates to reveal Kenny's grandfather relaxing
on a heart-shaped bed. Kenny opens up a pcket of ]
Wow! This is Kenny's best show ever!
This is so juvenile.
Cartman, what the hell's the matter
Yeah, you've gotten lame since you got
skinny. What's up?
Eh, nothing. Hey, can I have some of
that licorice to- take home?
[Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, next night.
Rick is in the campers' cabin]
Alright campers, good work today. Lights
out, and we'll see you tomorrow for
more exercise and proper diet.
All beddy-byes for the night, are they?
I don't know what we're doing wrong,
Susan. These kids aren't losing the
We;ll just have to give them more time.
They'll do it!
They'll do it.
They'll do it!!
Alright, they're gone! The Cartman
store is open!
Two donuts and a pack of licorice,
Two donuts and a pack of licorice.
Well, Tony, the usual? Why are you
'Cause I'm always gonna be fat. I don't
wanna eat no sweets, but I can't control
myself when they're right in front of
me like this. All my life I've been
fat. I've beh- I've been to seven camps
and I swore to my momma that I'd lose
the weight. I want to, but I can't help
Hey, Chad, eh... You know what you need?
You need a friend.
I'd, I do?
Yes. A chocolate friend. Mr. Candy
Bar doesn't judge you, Chad. Mr. Candy
Bar likes you just the way you are.
Look at how yummy and sweet he is.
...There you go. That'll just be four
dollars. ...There you go.
[A Krazy Kenny Show promo]
This week on Pay Per View , Krazy Kenny
will crawl up into a woman's uterus
and stay there for six hours. Don't
miss this once-in-a-lifetime event.
[The big city, day. City noise is heard. Next shot is in a studio,
with Howard Stern hosting, and three guests. On the walls are
posters, one of which is of Eltn John. Two loves dolls are in
the background, and the Antonio Banderas one is behind Stern]
Alright, so we're back talkin' to three
competing celebrities: Tom Green, Johnny
Knoxville from MTV's Jackass and Krazy
Krazy Kenny is here to promote his Pay-Per-View
special this week, where he will crawl
up into a bus driver's uterus and stay
there for six hous.
Now, some people that all you guys do
is perform sick and disgusting acts
for shock value and money, which makes
you whores. But I'd like to prove them
wrong. So what I'm gonna do... is I'm
gonna offer each of you $50,000 to give
me oral sex right now.
Fine! I'll do it for 40!
Ooh, the kid says he'll do it for ten
Damnit. I'm out.
Me too. I guess he is the biggest whore.
Alright, let's get going, then. Can
we cut the cameras?
[Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, day. Exercise...]
And we're gonna reach fo the sky...
Rick... And down to the ground. [touches the ground with his fingertips]
And up to the sky...
Rick... And down to the ground. [touches the ground with his fingertips]
Please, Mr. Sanders.
No! I have had it!
Horace's parents want to take him home.
Oh! But he's not ready yet.
Look at what you've done to my boy!
You told Horace that he was responsible
for his weight! You made him believe
that with exercise and proper diet,
he could be thin! When we told you it
was his genetics!
They can lose the weight if they try.
Look at these kids! They're not getting
any thinner! Your camp is a fraud!
You need to accept the fact that most
fat people are just genetically fat!
Please, sir, if you give us one more
Your time is up!
Yeah, your time is up!
And I'm going to call all the other
parents to tell them to come claim their
kids as well! Your camp is a WASTE ...of
But, Dad, I...
We're in trouble, Rick.
[South Park, day. At the television studio preparations are made
for Kenny's test of endurance. Tweek, Token, Clyde, Butters,
and Kyle (with hammer) are onstage. The sounds of sawing and
hammering fill the air. Ms. Crabtree is prepped for the test,
with her legs spread open and the genital area blocked off by
Alright, Ms. Crabtree. Is it comf'table
HOW LONG HAVE I GOT TO SIT HERE?
HELL, I'LL DO SIX HOURS FOR THE FIVE
HUNDRED BUCKS YOU'RE PAYING ME!
You guys! It's Kenny! He's been arrested
for prostitution in New York!
For giving Howard Stern a hummer!
Who-what's a hummer??
I don't know! All I know is Kenny is
in jail for at least three months!
Three months?! But the per-per-view
He worked so hard, come so close. Now
we'll never see Kenny crawl up into
Ms. Crabtree's uterus.
You know, maybe we've all learned something
here. I mean, we set Kenny up to further
and further himself each time, havin'
to always outdo himself. Now he's in
jail for being a whore. And perhaps,
just perhaps, we are to blame.
...Alright, that does it! This has been
bothering the hell out of me! I knew
it! You're not Cartman at all!
[The Krazy Kenny Show. The big moment arrives]
Well, we'vee seen him do just about
every disgusting thing in the book,
and today live on pay-per-view, Krazy
Kenny is going to crawl into a woman's
uterus for six hours! Well, Ms. Crabtree,
your cervix has been dilated, your womb
equipped with oxygen- How do you feel?
I feel great! I haven't had this much
attention paid to my coot since I was
Well, let's bring out the man of the
hour, you know him as the-
[The Krazy Kenny Show, backstage. Kyle and Stan get the new Cartman,
now the new Kenny, ready, dressing him like Kenny.]
Don't wory, dude. You're gonna do great.
No way! I'm not doing this!
Hoh, you're doing it, or else we're
gonna bust your whole scheme wide open,
and tell your mom you haven't actually
been at your drug rehab this whole time!
But this isn't fair!
(But I'm gonna starve to death if I
get in there)
[The Krazy Kenny Show, later]
And here he is, Kenny McCormick! We
can watch him on the video monitors.
How are you doin' in there, Kenny?
That's my boy!
[Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, next day.
The parents have come for their campers. All the parents are
We'll be wanting our refund, naturally.
Good-bye. Thank you.
Oh, don't thnak us. We failed you.
...65, 66, 67...
Wait a second! This isn't right! It's
time for me to be responsible for my
own actions! Mom, Dad, we've been eating
candy this whole time! Eric Cartman's
been sneaking in junk food!
Eh- shut up, you half-Chad!
No, he's right. The counselors've been
doing a good job. We've just been cheating.
I believe I can lose the weight with
exercise and proper diet. I don't wanna
make excuses no more.
If you take us back, we promise we won't
Well, it's alright with me. Parents?
Well, what the heck. Maybe when you're
all donen you can teaach me a thing
or two, huh son?
You know? You guys are right. I'm sick
of being the fat kid, too. I've been
making excuses all my life. But I know
deep down that if I took responsibility
and really tried hard, and we all tried
together, well we really can lose the
Oh no, not you. You're not welcome here
Well, screw you, fatasses!
[The Krazy Kenny Show, stage. The countdown continues...]
Four, three, two, one!
He did it! Come on out, Kenny! You
made it six hours, Kenny. Come on out
of there. Hmmm. Uh, Ms. Crabtree, maybe
you could give him a little push.
He's dead. The pressure must have killed
I told you I was a tight virgin flower.
Oh my God, they've killed Kenny! ...Sort
Yeah. They've kinda killed Kenny -'s
look-alike. You bastards!
Well, he gave his life for our amusement.
One little boy who dared to be different.
Let us never forget... Kenny McCormick.
Who was that?