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ALL SCRIPTS





                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 603


                                    "FREAK STRIKE"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [Commercial]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Today on the Maury Povich show, these 
                         poor unfortunate people  all have horrible 
                         disfigurements,  and you won't believe 
                         how we exploit them for your amusement! 
                         
 
               [Stan's house, living room. He, Kyle, and Cartman watch television 
               from the sofa]
 
                                     STAN
                         Hm, that sounds pretty good.

                                     "KENNY"
                          (Hey guys. What's going on here?)
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Hey Kenny! 

                                     "KENNY"
                         (Gosh darn it, my name's not Kenny!)
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         That's awesome, Kenny. 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Eh now gosh darnit, fellas, my name's 
                         not Kenny! Kenny's dead.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Okay, Not-Kenny.

                                     BUTTERS
                         And I'm not gonna wear this coat anymore, 
                         neither!  I should be able to be you 
                         guys' friend without wearin' Kenny's 
                         old coat!
 
                                     STAN
                         Sh be quite, Not-Kenny, the Maury Povish 
                         freak show is on.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh, all right, then. 

               [Maury Povich show]

                                     MAURY
                         Our next guest is a little girl who 
                         was born without a midsection. Please 
                         welcome Damla Jones
 
                                     DAMLA
                          Hello, Maury. 

               [cut to Cartman and the boys]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Aww, sick dude!

               [cut to show]

                                     MAURY
                          You're a very brave little girl, and 
                         I'm very proud of you.
 
                                     DAMLA
                          Thank you

                                     MAURY
                          Can you tell the audience how miseable 
                         your life is?
 
                                     DAMLA
                         Uh-uh, yes. It is.

                                     MAURY
                          You're a cutey. Do the other kids at 
                         school sometimes make fun of you?
 
                         
                                     DAMLA
                         Sometimes.

                                     MAURY
                          Do people sometimes stare at you?
 
                         
                                     DAMLA
                         Sometimes

                                     MAURY
                          Do they go, "Oh, gross. What the hell 
                         is that thing"?
 
                                     DAMLA
                         Mmm-I don't know. 

                                     MAURY
                         Well your mommy told us you like to 
                         listen to music.
 
                                     DAMLA
                         Yes.

                                     MAURY
                         Well guess what, Damla. We're gonna 
                         give you a three hundred dollar gift 
                         certificate to CD World in Torrance! 
                          All right, everyone. Stay tuned, because 
                         next we're gonna meet a woman who head 
                         was smashed in on a locker! And we're 
                         gonna giver her a makeover!
 
               [cut to sofa]

                                     KYLE
                         This is terrible, dude! Maury Povich 
                         parades these poor people around on 
                         his show like carnival freaks! And then 
                         gives them prizes at the end after they 
                         joked about it. What a dick!
 
               [cut to show]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Do you or someone you know have a disfigurement 
                         or disability that we can exploit on 
                         the Maury Povish show? If so, call 1-555-HEY 
                         MAURY!
 
               [cut to sofa]

                                     STAN
                         Dude! One of us should make up some 
                         disease and get on the Maury Povich 
                         show so we can win a prize!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Cool!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh YES!! 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh, that'd be awesome! 

                                     KYLE
                          Do you think they'll believe it?

                                     STAN
                         What disease should we say?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Shhh. Be quite, you guys!  Hello, is 
                         this Maury Povish?  Oh, well who the 
                         hell are you?  Oh. Well I'm calling 
                         about your ad for freaks?  Ye-right, 
                         people with disabilities?  Yeah, I have 
                         a friend; he has a deformity; I think 
                         he'd be perfect for your show.  Great! 
                          Hih-his condition?  Uh, he has a condition 
                         called "chinballalitis."  Yeah, his 
                         balls actually hang from his chin.  
                         Shut uh- shut up you guys.  Yes.  Yes, 
                         of course he's very upset about it. 
                          Yes, he cries all the time.  Miserable, 
                         uh huh.  You wha- Really?
 
                                     STAN
                          What? 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Dude, they say they'll fly him out day 
                         after tomorrow!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Awesome!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Cool!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh yes, I'm sure I can convince him 
                         to come on the show.  There will of 
                         course be a prize involved?  Great. 
                         I'll call you back in an hour.  No, 
                         thank you.  YES!
 
                                     STAN
                         This is gonna be so funny!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh, it sure is!

                                     KYLE
                         But how are we gonna get the balls put 
                         on Butters' chin?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hah yeah, how are we go-? Wait... Butters' 
                         chin?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh, but that's me. I'm Butters.

                                     STAN
                         We know. You're the one doing it, Butters. 
                         Who'd you think we were talkin' about?
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         We-ell hold on a second, you guys.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hey, I know how we get the balls on 
                         Butter's chin. Those Star Trek dorks 
                         down the street! They're always making 
                         crasy masks and special effects for 
                         their dumb movies.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hang on now.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. I bet they could make a fake set 
                         of balls. Come on, Butters!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Wait! W-why does it have to be me??
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         It has to be you, Butters. Think about 
                         it.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah.

                                     BUTTERS
                         But fellas, if I go on Maury Povish, 
                         with- with my balls on my chin, my parents 
                         are gonna get really mad.
 
                                     KYLE
                         We'll just tell your parents we're going 
                         on a camping trip with my parents. They'll 
                         never know.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         I'm sorry, but the answer is un uh, 
                         uh uh, uh uh. 
 
                                     STAN
                          Kenny woulda done it. 

                                     BUTTERS
                         ...So? I told you guys before:  I'm 
                         not Kenny.
 
                                     KYLE
                         We know. Believe me, we know. We're 
                         reminded every day that you're not Kenny 
                         because Kenny... was cool.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah. God, I wish Kenny was still alive. 
                         He'd put balls on his chin. He was such 
                         an awesome friend.
 
                                     STAN
                          Well, come on guys. If Butters won't 
                         even put his balls on his chin for us, 
                         I guess we know where we stand. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Aw, gee whiz, yih, yo, you promise my 
                         mom and dad won't find out?
 
               [The Trekkers' place down the street, next day. The two Trekkers 
               work on Butters]
 
                                     BRUNET TREKKER
                         Now, we're going to apply the latex 
                         with some spearmint gum.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hey that spearmint gum sure is stinky.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Where's you get the balls from?

                                     BRUNET TREKKER
                         We made a plastic mold of his chin, 
                         and then made a latex scrotum and put 
                         two golf balls inside.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Nice.

                                     BLOND TREKKER
                         Now we just blend the skin tones, add 
                         a little hair,  and presto! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Wow!

                                     KYLE
                         That looks awesome!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Aw, I feel silly.

                                     CARTMAN
                         They look great on you, Butters. They 
                         really do.
 
                                     BLOND TREKKER
                         I believe you owe us payment now? 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         All right, the original AVID cut of 
                         Star Wars: Episode I
 
                                     BRUNET TREKKER
                         Wooww!

                                     BLOND TREKKER
                         They weren't lying!

               [The Trekkers' place. The boys leave the room]

                                     KYLE
                          Why the hell would they want that anyway? 
                          Episode I sucked balls.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, it sucked Hairy Butters' chin 
                         balls. 
 
                                     BLOND TREKKER
                         Here, damnit!

                                     BRUNET TREKKER
                         Hey, hey! Stop it, man!

               [Denver Airport, next day]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Gay Air Flight 243 with service to New 
                         York now ready for general boarding.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         That's your flight, Butters.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, here's your ticket  and they're 
                         gonna have a car waiting for you at 
                         the gate in New York. 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh wait.  You guys aren't comin' with 
                         me?
 
                                     STAN
                         Hell no, dude. Then we couldn't watch 
                         you on TV.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Ho-old on a minute, guys, I've changed 
                         my mind. I don't wanna go.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         God, isn't Butters awesome for doing 
                         this, you guys?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, he sure is.

                                     STAN
                         Doing all this to bring us back a prize. 
                         What a great friend! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Buh-ters! Buh-ters!

                                     BUTTERS
                          Uhhh all right, then. See you guys 
                         tomorrow. 
 
               [New York, TV Studio, day]

                                     STAGEHAND
                         Thanks for coming on the show, kid. 
                         Maury is very excited to meet you. And 
                         this is the Green Room where you can 
                         hang out with the other guests until 
                         we call for you on set. Boy with Balls 
                         on Chin, meet Man with Foot on Head, 
                         Girl with Rapid Aging Disease, Disfigured 
                         Country Singer, and Man With No Face.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Wow! Scooped-out face guy! Ah-ah-I've 
                         seen you on TV before.
 
                                     MAN WITH NO FACE
                          Yes, this is my sixth appearance. 
 
                         
                                     STAGEHAND
                         I'll come back in a bit, folks. 

                                     ROGER
                         I'm sorry, this is what the studio provides. 
                         Just take a seat on the couch, kid. 
                         I'll be back in a minute. 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         What circuit?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh well, yeah. You've all done it more 
                         than once?
 
                                     MAN WITH NO FACE
                         Oprah two times, Jenny Jones once, Sally 
                         Jessie five times.
 
                                     MAN WITH NO LIMBS
                         I'm doing Jenny tomorrow.

                                     MAN WITH NO FACE
                         Yeah. Like when someone LIES about being 
                         a freak.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Oh they, they do, huh?

                                     MAN WITH NO LIMBS
                         We don't take kindly to that.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Well I can certainly see why.

                                     MAN WITH NO LIMBS
                         It's okay. Folks don't do it anymore. 
                         Not after what they saw what we did 
                         to Lobster Boy.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Lobster Boy?

                                     MAN WITH NO LIMBS
                          Lying sack of crap.

                                     BUTTERS
                         What?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh. Yeah. I I hate when people fake 
                         conditions, too. Those stupid fakers.
 
                         
                                     STAGEHAND
                         Okay, Boy with balls on his chin, you're 
                         up next.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Oh, Jesus, see me through this.

               [Maury Povich Show promo]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Next on the Maury Povich show: we bring 
                         back some of our favorite disfigured 
                         people  and introduce you to some new 
                         ones
 
               [Stan's living room. The boys watch TV.]

                                     STAN
                         Here he comes.

                                     KYLE
                         This is gonna be awesome!

               [Maury Povich Show, new segment]

                                     MAURY
                         Our next guest suffers from a rare birth 
                         defect which caused his testicles and 
                         scrotum to grow from his chin.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Testicles and scrotum! 

                                     MAURY
                         Please welcome eight-and-a-half-year 
                         old Napoleon Bonaparte from South Park 
                         Colorado.  Thanks so much for coming 
                         on our show.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Huh, that's okay, I, I s'pose.

                                     MAURY
                         So, is it tough being ...different?
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Uhhh, yeah.

                                     MAURY
                         And do all the kids at school make fun 
                         of you?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          They sure do. They always say to me, 
                         "Butters, you're not Kenny." But I never 
                         said I was Kenny. They say Kenny would 
                         do this and Kenny would do that-
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh oh, we're losin' him.

                                     BUTTERS
                         I'm tired of it. You hear me, fellas?! 
                         Kenny's dead and you'll just have tuh 
                         deal with it.
 
                                     MAURY
                         Uh, yeah, but I mean, do the kids make 
                         fun of you because of your condition?
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh what condition?

                                     MAURY
                          You have balls that hang off your chin.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         I do?? Uh. Oh. I, I mean, yeah-ah I 
                         do. Uh. Yeah, the kids at school make 
                         fun of me for that.
 
                                     STAN, KYLE
                         Phew.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, that was close.

                                     MAURY
                         What names do they call you at school?
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Aaahhh well, aaahmm, ...I guess they 
                         call me uh, Chinball Boy, and uh, Ballchin 
                         Boy, nnnd when I, when I'm walkin' they'll 
                         say, "Hey, there goes Chinballs!" 
 
                         
                                     MAURY
                         And do they call you "freak" and and 
                         "weirdo"?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well yeah, I s'psoe

                                     MAURY
                          Do they point at you and laugh? Do 
                         they make you wish you'd never been 
                         born? Make you wish to put an end to 
                         the whole... miserable wretched earth?
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh, sure.

                                     MAURY
                         Well Napoleon, we have a surprise for 
                         you.
 
                                     STAN, KYLE
                         Wait, here it is, here it is!

                                     CARTMAN
                         The present.

                                     MAURY
                         Because you're such a brave little chinballed 
                         man, we're gonna send you directly from 
                         this studio to the world's largest putt-putt 
                         golf course in the world!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh really?

                                     KYLE
                         Wow!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Did he say "the... largest putt-putt 
                         golf course in the world"?
 
                                     MAURY
                         Go on, you're going right now!! 

                                     STAN
                         But, that's not fair! That means Butters 
                         gets to go and we don't!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah! We thought of the whole thing!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Euh! Once again Butters is tryin' to 
                         screw us over! That asshole!
 
               [Cartman's room, later that day. Cartman is on the phone]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hello, is this the Maury Povich show? 
                          Yes, I'm calling because I saw your 
                         television program, and I also have 
                         balls hanging from my chin.  I'd like 
                         to come in and talk about my disorder 
                         and perhaps get a free trip to the largest 
                         putt-putt golf course in the world?
 
                         
                                     OPERATOR
                          I'm sorry, but we're done doing freak 
                         shows for now. We're looking for people 
                         for a new topic.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What's the new topic?

                                     OPERATOR
                         Please help my out-of-control child.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh. Hey, I'm out of control!

                                     OPERATOR
                         Really?  Is your mother in tears every 
                         day over how disobedient you are?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh, sure!

                                     OPERATOR
                         Does she worry about you doing drugs 
                         and having sex at such a young age?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ehyeah, sure. Ah I do crack and pot 
                         pourri, and queazies
 
                                     OPERATOR
                         Well that's great! If you can get your 
                         mom to come in with you, we'd love to 
                         fly you out.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          ...my, my mom?

               [Cartman's home, kitchen. His mom is humming and preparing gingerbread 
               men for baking. Cartman enters with his hands clasped behind 
               his back]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Mmoooomm?

                                     LIANE
                         Yes, sweetie?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Could yo do me a favor?

                                     LIANE
                         What's that, my little man?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Could you um... go on the Maury Povich 
                         show with me and say that I'm out of 
                         control and do drugs and have sex so 
                         that I can go to the largest putt-putt 
                         gold course in the wwoooorrlldd?
 
                                     LIANE
                         Hmmm. but you're not out of control, 
                         muffin. You're my perfect little gum 
                         drop.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm just asking you to lie for me. You 
                         love me, don't you?
 
                                     LIANE
                         Orf course I do.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, I have such a pretty mother. Such 
                         a wonderful mother.
 
                                     LIANE
                         Sweetie, don't.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Then it's settled. Oh, I have such a 
                         great mother.  Such a beautiful mother.
 
                         
               [Butters' house. He's back from New York and his parents have 
               apparently heard about the show. Chris has his arms folded in 
               front of him]
 
                                     LINDA
                         Just what did you think you were doing, 
                         Butters? Not only did you lie to us 
                         and say you were on a camping trip with 
                         Kyle's family, you made a fool of yourself 
                         AND us on national television!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Oh I'm sorry, mom.

                                     CHRIS
                         Well, sorry isn't gonna make it this 
                         time, mister! You know, your grandmother 
                         saw the show and had a mild stroke!
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Aw jeez, ah I didn't mean to almost 
                         kill Grandma. I promise I'll never go 
                         on TV with balls on my chin again.
 
                         
                                     CHRIS
                         Ugh! You'd better believe you won't, 
                         buster!
 
                                     LINDA
                         Your father and I have to leave now 
                         to visit Grandma in the hospital, but 
                         you can just take those balls off your 
                         chin and march right up to your room!
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                          Yes ma'am. 

               [Butters' room. He's pacing the floor mad at himself]

                                     BUTTERS
                         Serves me right! Puttin' balls on my 
                         chin and lyin' about it. Why I, I should 
                         be grounded for a month! Why do I do 
                         these things? Why can't I behave myself? 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                          Hey Butters, those other freak people 
                         from the show were just over here looking 
                         for you?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh Jesus! They were??

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, they wanted to find you bad.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well Oh, God! W-whatdya tell him?

                                     STAN
                         I- told them where to find you.

                                     BUTTERS
                         What?? W-why the heck would you do that. 
                         Wuh they wanna kill me for not bein' 
                         a real freak!
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh. Well, serves you right for screwing 
                         us over. 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh Jesus no.  They've come to boil me 
                         alive! Uh just like Lobster Boy! Ah, 
                         I've gotta get outta here!  Wait! I 
                         can't go anywhere. I'm grounded. Oh 
                         Christ, what a pickle! 
 
               [Butters' house, out front. A scream is heard and the freaks 
               look around]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh, hello, folks. Uh what's the problem?
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                          The union? Oh, that's why you came?
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh uh I can't freak strike, fellas. 
                         Ah-, I'm grounded.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         For havin' balls on my- AH! Ah, I mean, 
                         nothin'.  Ah I'm not grounded.
 
                                     MAN WITH NO FACE
                         Good, then you can march with us. Freaks 
                         of the world,
 
                                     THE FREAKS
                         Unite! 

               [Maury Povich show]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Today on Maury Povich: These moms  don't 
                         know what to do with their out-of-control 
                         kids!  Young boys and girls so whorish 
                         on our show that it borders on child 
                         pornography!
 
                                     MAURY
                          We're here talking with moms who think 
                         their children are out of control.  
                         Vanessa here says that her thirteen-year-old 
                         daughter Vanity is already doing drugs 
                         and having sex with older men 
 
                                     STUDIO AUDIENCE
                         Ooohhhhhhhh

                                     MAURY
                         Vanessa, what does Vanity say to you 
                         when you tell her toooo... do her homework.
 
                         
                                     VANESSA
                          She says she hates me. She, she calls 
                         me "retard"? And, she says my cooch 
                         is all dried up and nobody wants it. 
                         
 
                                     STUDIO AUDIENCE
                         Aawwwwww. 

                                     MAURY
                         Well, let's bring her out. Here's Vanity! 
                         
 
                                     VANITY
                         Wha'evah, wha'evah! You fuckin' cocksuckers 
                         don't know shit! Fuck you! 
 
                                     MAURY
                         Wow, Vanity, you are really an out of 
                         control teen.
 
                                     VANITY
                         Wha'evah! Maury, my mom don't know shit! 
                         You could aks her! I aks her all my 
                         homies that they be down wit it. You 
                         know, it's all good shit.  Fuck you, 
                         cocksuckuhs!
 
               [Green room. Cartman and his mom watch the show in there.]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Jeez, that girl is pissed off.

                                     STAGEHAND
                          Okay, Cartman family, you're on in 
                         two minutes. 
 
               [On stage.]

                                     VANESSA
                          Why can't you just listen to me and 
                         love me  Ow!
 
                                     VANITY
                         Shu' up! Shut the fuck  up, you God-aweful 
                         skank! 
 
               [Green room. Cartman and his mom watch the show in there.]

                                     LIANE
                         I'm glad you're not that bad, poopsie-kins
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          But if I'm not the most out-of-control 
                         teen, I might not win the prize.  Excuse 
                         me, I wanna make a quick change. Where's 
                         wardrobe?
 
                                     STAGEHAND
                         Second door on the right.

               [Outside the building, the freaks have gathered and are now on 
               strike - "FREAK OUT 2K2"]
 
                                     THE FREAKS
                         Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! 
                         Strike! Strike!
 
                                     THE FREAKS
                         Yeah!

                                     THE FREAKS
                         Yeah!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Well, gush, ah, I need to go. I can't 
                         picket, guys.
 
                                     HAMMERHEAD MAN
                         You're not gonna picket?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Well it's jsut that my parents are... 
                         I can't picket!
 
                                     MAN WITH NO LIMBS
                          Why? You're not a SCAB, are you?

                                     BUTTERS
                         NO I I'm not a scab.

               [Maury Povich show, back to out-of-control-child segment]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         And now, back to more kids who are out 
                         of control, on the Maury Povich show!
 
                         
                                     MAURY
                         Our next mother is Liane Cartman. Her 
                         son claims to be the most out-of-control 
                         kid in the world and says there's nothing 
                         his stupid mom can do about it.
 
                                     STUDIO AUDIENCE
                         Awww.

                                     VANESSA
                         Why won't you kids behave? 

                                     VANITY
                          Shut up, skank, he's not talkin' to 
                         you! 
 
                                     MAURY
                         So, Ms. Cartman, you can't control your 
                         child?
 
                                     LIANE
                         Oh, my little poopsie-kins gets into 
                         no-nos once in a while, but he's still 
                         my perfect little plumsy-kiddle
 
                                     MAURY
                         Well, your son made a video backstage. 
                         Let's take a look. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Maury, I am out of control. Yeah, I 
                         use drugs. I can do what I waunt, bitch! 
                         Yeah I have sex, and I don't use protection! 
                         It's my hot body; I'll do what I waunt! 
                          I don't go to school and I kill people! 
                         What-evah! I'll do what I waunt!
 
                                     STUDIO AUDIENCE
                          BOOOO!!

                                     LIANE
                         Oh, he's such a cutie.

                                     MAURY
                         Well, let's bring him out. Here's Eric 
                         Cartman! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Wha'evah! Wha'evah!  Maury, my mom can't 
                         control me, I'm tough! Go on, aks hurh!
 
                         
                                     MAURY
                         Ms. Cartman, what does your son like 
                         to do?
 
                                     LIANE
                         Ooo, he loves playing with his Clyde 
                         Frog and Wellington Bear.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Mom, we're pretending, remember? Sex 
                         and drugs.
 
                                     LIANE
                         Oh, I mean, sex and drugs.

                                     STUDIO AUDIENCE
                         Oooohhh!

                                     CARTMAN
                          What-evah! What-evah!  I'll do what 
                         I waunt!
 
                                     VANITY
                         Oh, what-evah. You ain't tough, ho! 
                         I roam with gangs!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh yeah?! I roam with twelve gangs! 
                         And we only commit hate crimes! What-evah! 
                         I'll do what I waunt! 
 
                                     VANITY
                         What Evah! You ain't bad! You ain't 
                         nothin'! I ditch class and go shoot 
                         heroin in the school bathroom!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What-evah! I ran for Congress and won. 
                         Then I had sex with an intern, killed 
                         her, and hid her body! What-evah, I'll 
                         do what I waunt!
 
               [Outside the building, the freaks have gathered and are now on 
               strike - "FREAK OUT 2K2"]
 
                                     THE FREAKS
                         Better prizes!

                                     THE FREAKS
                         Now!

                                     THE FREAKS
                         Better prizes!

                                     BUTTERS
                          Better prizes.

                                     THE FREAKS
                         Now!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Never.  Sir, I really gotta go home. 
                         My parents are gonna be sore at me.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         But I gotta get back to my family.
 
                         
                                     THE FREAKS
                         Better prizes!

                                     THE FREAKS
                         Now!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Aw. hamburgers, this just keeps on gettin' 
                         worse. 
 
                                     POLICE CAPTAIN
                         Okay folks, we're gonna have to move 
                         along.
 
                                     POLICE CAPTAIN
                         I'm sorry, but the government does not 
                         recognize you as a union. You'll have 
                         to go.
 
                                     MIDDLE DWARF
                         What are you saying? That because of 
                         our appearance our organization is less 
                         important?
 
                                     POLICE CAPTAIN
                         Now now now, I'm not telling you people 
                         that your union doesn't matter, I'm 
                         just telling you that you're not really... 
                         people.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh no, not the video sabotage, uh.
 
                         
               [Maury Povich show, back to out-of-control-child segment]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         ...child? We're back with Maury.

                                     MAURY
                         We're here, talking with moms who think 
                         their children are out of control.
 
                         
                                     VANITY
                         What evah!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I slaughtered five baby seals with my 
                         bare hands. What-evah! I'll do what 
                         I waunt!
 
                                     MAURY
                          Now let's meet Joline. Joline says 
                         that her daughter is also out of control, 
                         that she's flirting with older men, 
                         and, she's only four months old.
 
                                     STUDIO AUDIENCE
                         Aawwww.

                                     JOLINE
                         Mmhmm, that's right Maurih.

                                     MAURY
                         Let's bring her out: here's Chantal! 
                          So Joline, exactly how is your daughter 
                         out of control? You say she flirts with 
                         older men? 
 
                                     JOLINE
                         Maurih, it's like this: Whenever I have 
                         friends over to the house Chantal will 
                         come waltzin' in the livin' room completely 
                         naked!
 
                                     STUDIO AUDIENCE
                         Ooohhh!

                                     VANITY
                         Whatevah. I helped in a drive-by shooting.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         What-evah. I digitally put Jabba the 
                         Hutt back into the original Star Wars 
                         movie! I'll do what I waunt!
 
                                     MAURY
                         Wow, that is out of control!

                                     JOLINE
                         Why, just last night I had three gentlemen 
                         callers over to my house, and Chantal 
                         took her clothes off right in front 
                         o' everybody!
 
                                     STUDIO AUDIENCE
                         Boooo! 

                                     JOLINE
                         You see?  There she goes. There she 
                         goes.  OH! YOU GOD-DAMNED WHORE!
 
               [the screen behind them spuuters and changes. The Maury Povich 
               logo disappears]
 
                                     MAURY
                         What the hell is this? 

                                     ELEPHANT MAN
                         A lot of decent hard-working freaks 
                         in America are losing their talk-show 
                         jobs to freaks of a different nature. 
                         Sure, everyone in this great country 
                         of hours is a freak, but true, physically 
                         deformed freaks must be recognized, 
                         for it's these real freaks that make 
                         you all feel better about yourselves 
                         for not being one. So next time you're 
                         watching television, make sure it's 
                         a show with "freak" freaks, and not 
                         just with people that are freaks because 
                         they're stupid trailer trash from the 
                         South. That's what we mean when we say, 
                         "Look for the True Freak label" 
 
               [four freaks join in] When you are watching a TV talk show

               [a side shot of more freaks streaming their way to the box] Remember 
               somewhere,
 
               [a shot of the audience] our union's growing

               [a front shot of the freaks walking in] Our wages going to feed 
               the kids.
 
               [a front shot of more freaks walking in] And run the house-
 
               
               We work hard, but who's complaining?

               [a zoom-out shot as the freaks crowd in around Butters] With 
               TFU we're making our way!
 
               [a pan shot] So always look for the True Freak label,

               [a full crowd shot] Because you need us right here in the U.S.A.! 
               [the Maury Povich logo is restored]
 
                                     MAURY
                         Ah, sorry America, a little glitch there, 
                         heh. Anyway-
 
                                     MAN
                         They're right. We should have never 
                         crossed that picket line. Come on, honey. 
                         
 
                                     MAURY
                          Wait! Come back, uh-... Maybe we can 
                         make the other out-of-control kids take... 
                         their clothes off, too!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Whatevah! I'll crap in my... pants! 
                         
 
                                     CAMERAMAN
                         Sir, the ratings have just started to 
                         plummet.
 
                                     MAURY
                         Ah, those damned freaks! 

               [Outside the Maury Povich studio. A door opens and Maury steps 
               out. The freaks stop and wait]
 
                                     MAURY
                         I gave you shoes! And groceries! And 
                         this is how you repay me?!  Very well. 
                         Just come upstairs and... we'll negotiate! 
                         
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Whoa, thank God that's over. Now I can 
                         get back home. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Butters, you have screwed me out of 
                         a prize for the last time! 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh. Double hamburgers.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Aaahh! 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Hey. Things actually turned out... okay 
                         for me this time. 
 
                                     CHRIS
                          Butters!

                                     BUTTERS
                          Oh I know.

               THE END

Freak Strike



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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