[The Bijou, day, inside. The four boys are seated in the front
row in the nearly empty theater. A couple sits near the back,
just three rows behind.]
Oh, cool. A preview.
Coming this summer , it's the classic
film that changed America. E.T.: The
Extraterrestrial, the new, redone version
for 2002. All the E.T. effects have
been digitally upgraded. All the guns
have been digitally changed to walkie-talkies.
And the word "TERRORIST" has been changed
Aw, dude, why would they do that?
Yeah, hippies and terrorists are the
No, dude. They only changed "terrorist"
to "hippie" to make E.T. more P.C.
Coming this summer, it's the motion
picture that changed America. Saving
Private Ryan, the RE-RE-RELEASE, where
the word "NAZI" has been changed to
"PERSONS WITH POLITICAL DIFFERENCES,"
and all their guns have been replaced
Why the hell do these directors keep
updating their movies?
And now, for your feature presentation:
the classic RE-RE-RE-RELEASE of Star
Wars: The Empire Strikes Back
In the version, the word "WOOKIE" has
been changed to "HAIR CHALLENGED ANIMAL"
and the entire cast has been digitally
replaced by Ewoks.
[The Bijou, day, outside. The boys exit the theater]
Goddamnit, that pissed me off!
Yeah, we want our money back!
Why don't they leave those movies alone?
We liked them the way they were!
Don't you see what this means? All our
favorite movies are going to be changed,
and updated, until we can't even recognize
Tweek is right. It isn't fair for those
asshole directors to keep changing their
movies and making them different! Movies
are art, and art shouldn't be modified!
Yeah, what if they had modified the
Roman Coliseum every year? It would
just be another big douchey stadium
We have to do something. Let's form
Yeah! We can form a club that takes
food stamps from poor people and then
sells them back to the government for
No, fatass! I mean a club to protect
films from their directors, so they
can't be messed with!
Yeah. We'll be the "Save Films From
Their Own Directors" club
NO! Nono, ah I don't wanna form a club!
That's too much pressure! Look, ah-I'm
supposed to take it easy; just, watch
the clouds, sit on the grass. And, if
we form a club there'll be responsibilites.
Tweek, now Goddamnit, we picked you
to be our new friend to replace Kenny
because we thought you were a team player!
I'm not! I'm not a team player!
Now, either you stop with these faggotronics
or we'll find someone to replace YOU!
D'oh-ho! Oh Jesus!
[South Park, later. The boys stand next to a phone pole and Stan
nails a sign onto it. He finishes and backs up to have a good
look at it.]
Dude, that sign sucks! Nobody's gonna
Well what's wrong with it?
Look at it, dude. You're not offereing
any fabulous prizes. You have to offer
fabulous prizes if you want people to
show up for your stupid crap. Here.
Yeah, if you offer free hats, m-maybe
people will show up.
But we don't have hats!
Well we can just make them out of paper.
It's not hard, it's just a stupid little
paper hat. People just need free stuff
- don't you guys know anything?!
You see?? First we were just forming
a club, now we have to make hats! When
does it end??
Alright, let's go get the gymnasium
ready. Tweek, you go make fifty hats.
Fifty hats? Oh Jesus!
[Tweek's house, later. He's at his desk in his room frantically
making paper hats. His mug of coffee sits off to his left]
Ah! I'll never make it! I'll never make
Calm down, son. Remember what Dr. Norris
told you. Find your center.
My center. My... center. Calm Cup?
Tweek! TWEEK!! TWEEK!!
How many hats have you made?
We only have until 10 a.m. tomorrow!
Get the lead out!
Aaaah! Oh God!
[South Park Elementary gymnasium, next day. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman
stand outside the doors waiting for Tweek, who rushes up to them
with a box of hats. A poster behind them seems to have fallen
off the wall]
You guys, we have a big problem!
I was up, all night, making hats. I
only slept for an hour, ...and then
I dreamt about making hats, but I only
Calm down, Tweek. Fifteen might be enough.
Yeah, let's see if anyone has even shown
up yet. Dude, there's like a thousand
people in there!
A thousand? Oh Jesus man! I don't have
nearly a thousand hats!
Then I'mo kick your ass, Tweek!
Wait. It's okay. Look, maybe these
people all turned out because they believe
in saving films. Maybe they don't even
care about the free hats.
Free hat! Free hat! Free hat!
I told you guys: never underestimate
the power of a free hat.
Free hat! Free hat!
I gotta move away, you guys!
Relax, Tweek, we're just gonna have
to go in there and explain what happened.
There are more important things right
now than free hats.
[The school gym, inside. The crowd jumps up and cheers as the
four boys enter and climb onstage. Some of the signs they hold
read "FREE HAT," "FREADOM FOR HAT NOW!," and "HAT DIDN'T DO IT"]
Okay, uh, we wanna thank you all for
coming. We're really happy to see such
enthusiasm for our cause.
Uh, one thing before I continue. Unfortuantely
we don't have enough of the... free
hats for everyone.
Eh- Excuse me?
Yes, we apologize, but our friend Tweek
here didn't make enough of them.
Oh! Jesus! Don't tell them it was me!
We don't care about that.
You mean, you just came because you
believe in our cause?
Yeah. Free Hat.
Hat McCollough. He was sent to prison
in '82, and we believe he should be
Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
Aaaah, , okay apparently there's been
a bit of a misunderstanding. This is
a rally to save films from their directors?
To do what?
We believe that films are pieces of
art that must be preserved from the
perverse hands of their agent filmmakers..
Oh. Sorry. Um, come on, everyone, guess
we're in the wrong place.
Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
Waitwaitwaitwait! Don't you see what's
happening out there? The films you all
grew up with, that touched YOUR lives
and are part of YOUR soul are now being
updated and changed. Join us and we
CAN be a group that makes a difference!
Can't we also work towards freeing Hat?
Uh, sure, and we'll also try to free
Oh yeeaahhh!! Raaaaah!! Woohoo!!
Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
[Stan's house, later. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman sit at the dining
room table, with Stan counting the sign-ups]
...212, 213, 214 members!
You guys! You guys! Oh God! Um, I've
got terrible news!
Ted Koppel wants us to appear on Nightline
to talk about our cause.
Really? That's great.
No it isn't, man! Thahat's waaay too
If we go on Nightline, the whole country
can hear about what's happening to our
But just remember that I do all the
Because I'm the official spokesman.
I got dibs on it.
When did we do dibs for it?
Just now - 1 2 3 dibs!
Alright, fine! You're the spokesman,
Cartman! But you'd better not screw
What could possibly go wrong?
[Nightline. Ted Koppel is at his desk with the four boys in the
inset over his left shoulder]
A new movement is sweeping the country,
led by four determined boys from South
Park, Colorado. The organization was
created to protect Hollywood's classic
films from the hands of their directors.
And also to free Hat McCollough. So
boys, I ask you the question that's
on everyone's minds, why does your organization
want to free Hat McCollough, the convicted,
confessed serial murderer of twenty-three
...I believe that can best be answered
by our official spokesman, Tweek.
Well, Hat McCollough admitted he killed
those toddlers? Why do you want him
Oh, Jesus, man! ...N'ahah!
Just answer me this, Tweek: What do
you see as "positive" about toddler
Ahah. U-uh. It's easy?
Yes... It is easy. Alright, then on
to your other cause, saving films from
their directors. What got you boys interested
in this, especially given your pro-toddler-murder
We believe that films have to be taken
away from people like Steven Spielberg
and George Lucas because they're insane.
Well I'm glad you said that, boys, because
joining us now are Steven Spielberg
and George Lucas.
Oh Christ! Wwwaaaaaaah!
Oh hi, Ted.
Gentlemen, these toddler-murder fans
think you're insane and shouldn't be
allowed to alter your films. Your response?
Well, first of all, both George and
I are very firmly against the murdering
Dude, that's Steven Spielberg and George
Get me out of here! Please, somebody
get me out of heeerre!
And as for altering our films, all we're
doing is trying to reach a... new audience
with our movies. As the makers of dreams,
we like to speak ...for the children.
Ah, I thought we were speaking for the
Yeah, we're children.
Uh-look, if the Beatles went back and
updated their White Album every few
years, what would we have now?
Yeah, these guys are only motivated
by money, Ted.
Think about it. Spielberg? Jew. Lucas?
Jew. Kyle? Jew. Coincidence?
I'm not a Jew!
You little brat-! Ah, I mean, you darling
children don't know what you're talking
about. Changing E.T. was the best thing
I ewver did.
Dude, don't you see that it's not? It'd
be like, changing Raiders of the Lost
Wait a minute. What'd you say?
Eh, that's brilliant!
Yes. Change Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Why didn't we think of it before?!
[South Park Elementary School Gym, next day. "SAVE FILMS FROM
THEIR DIRECTORS AND FREE HAT MEETING TODAY." The boys stand before
the new club once again.]
Members, this is our darkest hour. We've
just learned that George Lucas and Steven
Spielberg now intend to update and change
Raiders of the Lost Ark. There's only
one way we can stop this important and
historical piece of art from being harmed.
Thank you. Our intelligence tells us
that the original negative to Raiders
of the Lost Ark is currently somewhere
in George Lucas's house. We need to
find and usurp that negative.
And if we get a hold ot the negative
they can't change the movie?
That is our understanding.
Sounds like a good idea to me. I don't
want them to change Raiders of the Lost
Yeah! We should go get that negative
as soon as we get Hat free!
YEAH! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
Nonono! We need to do this first.
But we have to free Hat.
It's just that, you know, he killed
Well yeah, but it was in self-defense!
He... killed... twenty-three babies
Hat was attacked maliciously and unprovoked
by a gang of babies in West Town Park.
When that many babies get together they
can be like piranha.
Three eyewitnesses testified that if
Hat hadn't killed those babies, they'd
have killed him!
YEAH! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
Alright alright. But right now we've
gotta focus on getting those original
prints of Raider
He's right. We'd better split up. Some
of you go with the boys and get those
film prints, the rest of us come with
me to go talk to the governor about
YEAH! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
Well, it looks like we're gonna have
to do this ourselves.
No! Not this! I'm out! I can't deal
with the stress you guys create!
We're just gonna fly to California and
break into George Lucas's house. What's
stressful about that?
Okay, Tweek, let me tell you something:
You've been our new friend now for two
weeks, okay? And I've gotta be honest
with you, it isn't going well.
People aren't that into you, Tweek.
They find you kind of annoying. Now,
I say you've got one last shot here,
and I don't want you to blow it, okay?
Does that help take the stress off?
[Skywalker Ranch, night. Inside the camera gets a view of Lucas's
library. Among the items there are various props from his Star
Wars films, four Emmys, four Oscars... the door opens and a flashlight
scans the room. Stan, holding the flashlight, walks in with the
I'm breaking into George Lucas's house.
I'm not breaking into George Lucas's
house. I'm in a green field.
Stop, Tweek! This is not the time for
This looks like the right room.
I'm in a field... surrounded by deer.
Alriiight! Get it, Tweek!
Get it, you piece of crap, before I
grab your nutsack and twist it!
Guh huh huh!
What are you doing?!
Oh God! Oh Jesus!
You're the boys from that ...stupid
club. Give me that!
Do with us what you will, Mr. Lucas!
But please, don't change Raiders of
the Lost Ark.
We're gonna make it better. The movie's
gonna be changed, and that's that!
Alright, you asked for it. I'm afraid
you leave us no choice. It's time for
Oh God, no! Not Plan B!
You have a heart made of ice, Mr. Lucas,
and so we're goin' tuh melt your icy
heart... with a cool island song. Gentlemen?
Hit it, Tweek! In the tropical isle
with the coconut tree, there's a lots
Waitwaitwaitwaitwait. I thought we were
gonna cool his hot heart with a cool
...No, he has an icy heart.
...But you can't melt ice with a cool
So we have to warm his icy heart with
a "hot" island song
It's a cool island song.
Well then we're gonna end up freezing
his hellish heart with a cool island
Oh, do we wanna do that?
ALRIGHT, that does it!
[Skywalker Ranch, day, Lucas's living room. The boys stand behind
Lucas as he talks on the phone with someone]
Yes, thank you, officer. The police
are on their way, boys. Soon you'll
be in jail getting RAMMED!
Those rams can do to us what they will,
Mr. Lucas, but we'll never stop trying
to protect films.
It's not too late to do what's right.
Give us the print. There's still some
good in you, Mr. Lucas. We know there
It is... too late for me, boys.
You yourself led the campaign against
the colorization of films. You understand
why films shouldn't be changed.
M-that's different. These are my movies.
I made them, and I have the right to
do whatever I want with them
You're wrong, Mr. Lucas. They're not
your movies. They're ours. All of ours.
We paid to go see them, and they're
just as much a part of our lives as
they are of yours.
When an artist creates, whatever they
create belongs to society
Have I... become so old that I've forgetten
what being an artist is about?
Give the print to us so that we can
protect it from Spielberg and anyone
else who wants to alter it.
Perhaps... you are right.
STOP! What are you doing, George?!
Steven, Uh, I-
Give me that print, George! We need
to make the alterations!
Steven, these boys had a point. I don't
remember what it was, but it was good.
You haven't let these doe-eyed children
affect your judgment, have you, George?!
Don't forget: you belong to me.
Don't listen to him! You still have
a chance to preserve your film!
I'm... ah I'm sorry, boys.
Now take the children prisoner!
You troublemakers shall be my guests
of honor at the premiere of the NEW
Raiders of the Lost Ark! Your gay little
club is over!
Fuck you, Steven Spielberg! Come on,
Oh my God they're gonna kill us.
Don't even think about it, kid! I'm
not afraid to use this walkie-talkie!
The one with the cocaine-problem escaped,
Leave him!! Let him run back to his
mommy! We must get the film ready for
the premiere. Lucas! Come!
Coming, this summer! It's the digitally-enhanced
re-release of the very first pilot episode
of South Park! Yes, the classic, rough,
hand-made first episode is getting a
make-over for 2002! The simple, funny
aliens are now super-badass and kewl!
Flying saucer? No longer cheap construction
paper, but a 4.0 megapixel constructed
through a masterpiece of technology!
Everything's new! New is better!
When we first made South Park, we didn't
wanna use construction paper. We just
had to because it was cheap.
And now with new technology we can finally
remaster South Park, make it look sharp,
clean and focused.
Yes, all the charm of a simple little
cartoon will melt before your eyes
as it is replaced by newer and more
For instance, in the scene at the bus
stop, we always meant to have Imperial
walkers and giant dewback lizards in
the background, but simply couldn't
Get this special enhanced version quick,
because another enhanced version will
likely be coming out for 2003!
[School Gym, sometime later. "URGENT" in white has been scrawled
over the sign next to the door. Tweek stands onstage inside,
facing the gathered club]
Members, uuhh, oh Jesus, uh, we have
to do something! Our club president
, treasurer , and secretary have all
been taken hostage be Steven Spielberg!
Prisoner? You mean, like Hat?
Yes, just like hat!!
But the governor won't pardon Hat. So
how can we get him out of prison?
No! Listen to me! We're not talking
about Hat right now, okay?! Gad!! Look,
we went to George Lucas's house a-and
tried to melt his icy heart with a warm
island song, but then Spielberg showed
up and took three of our members prisoner!
They're goin' to premiere their new
Raiders of the Lost Ark, and we have
to rescue them! Do you understand?!
Hey, he's got a point there.
Yeah... Maybe we could melt the governor's
icy heart with a cool island song!
No! He's right. We have to freeze his
hot heart with a cool island song.
Or is ti freshen his hot temper with
a cool island song?
Let's cool his hot temper with a fresh
Let's go! Come on!
Oh God. I'm gonna have to do this myself.
[Excess Hollywood. Raiders of the Lost Ark is featured.]
Well, the print is finished and the
day has come. Tonight, Steven Spielberg
and George Lucas will be at the premiere
of the new special edition of Raiders
of the Lost Ark. Lots of celebrity guests
and other rich people will be on hand
to witness all the updated effects and
[A desert. Spielberg leads a group of people to the site of the
premiere. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are among the guests, but their
hands are tied behind their backs. Four people follow carrying
a large box from two long poles. The box reads "FINAL PRINT RAIDERS
OF THE LOST ARK 2002" The three guards are there with Spielberg
and Lucas, and Francis Ford Coppola has joined the lead pack.
The camera follows the group, but slowly pulls back until Tweek
appears with a bazooka on his shoulder]
The kid? The tweaked out kid?!
I'm gonna blow up the print, Spielberg!
Your pesistence surprises even me.
FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA
Surely you don't think you can escape
from this premiere.
That depends on how reasonable we're
all willing to be. All I want are my
Except for Cartman - you can keep him.
FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA
And if we refuse?
Then your premiere has no movie!
He's definitely lost it
Okay, okay. Stan- stand back, stand
ba- stand back! Back! Okay kid, you
win. Blow it up. Zuroch! Zuroch!
Blow it back to God. All your life
has been the pursuit of seeing a great
film! This new version of Raiders has
digital effects beyond your wildest
dreams! You want to see it screened
just as much as I.
Come on, Tweek! Blow it up!
Son, we are simply passing through
history. This... is imPROVED history.
Do as you will.
[The governor's office, day. The governor is at his desk, bored.
The Free Hat club members break out in song]
In the tropical isle with the coconut
tree, the air is fresh and the people
But here in the mountain there's no
freedom like that.
There's a man in prison and his name
[A sign saying "RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK Premiere Tonight" has
alternating blinking lights. The camera moves off the sign and
onto the makeshift open-air theater. Two men bring forth the
Ark of the Covenant, which was in the box. The men move off.
The audience is seen, with the four boys in the very back. Stan
and Kyle are tied to one post, Tweek and Cartman to the other.
Spielberg, dressed as a High Priest, approaches the Ark]
Hafaa malifi! Thanks for coming, everyone.
This is the birth of the NEW version
of Raiders of the Lost Ark! We shall
screen it here, and then destroy all
the old prints in celebration!
Hooray! All right!
Begin the film!
You guys, close your eyes. Don't look
Don't watch the movie, you guys. It'll
be terrible. Close your eyes!
Wait a minute. This version is awful!
Yeah! They ruined it!
Oh my God, it's terrible!
[the three men huddle, frightened as they are. On screen, Indy
is reaching for a golden item. Rays of light alight from the
screen and move out over the audience, shooting through the viewers'
chests and killing them. Coppola, Lucas, and Spielberg are overwhelmed
with the energy from the rays. The men become disfigured, then
their faces melt away. Spielberg's head explodes. The rays diffuse,
then gather back into the Ark. The spirits of all killed are
gathered into the Ark as well. The lid lands on the Ark perfectly
with a final roll of thunder. A few second laters, when all is
quiet, Stan raises his head and looks around]
Yuh, you guys okay.
Yeah. I I think so.
Man, that new version must have sucked
[South Park, day. A celebration is taking place at South Park
Square. An orchestra performs below the stage. The boys are onstage
watching it all. A man, a mayor's aide, walks up to the mic]
Today is a day of celebration, and we
owe it all to these four brave young
And thanks to the bravery of this young
man in particular, ...Hat McCollough
is finally free from prison!
Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat!
Thank you everyone-KILL! KILL THE INNOCENT!!
Uh, I'm so thankful for all your support-RAPE
THE VIRGINS!! And uh, I just wonder
if i could get a baby real quick?
Sure. Give that man a baby!
Come on, you guys. Let's get out of
Oh my God!
[South Park, day. The boys walk away from the celebration and
down the street.]
Do you think we did a good thing, Stan?
I mean, no one even seemed to notice.
Yeah well, sometimes the things we do
don't matter right now. Sometimes they
matter... later. We have to care more
about later sometimes, you know? I think
that's what separates us from the Steven
Spielbergs and George Lucases of the
That and youth. Those guys are old.
But what about the original prints of
Raiders of the Lost Ark? What if somebody
else takes them and tries to change
Don't worry, Tweek. It's somewhere safe.
Somewhere where... nobody will ever
[A secret warehouse. Someone packs all the original prints of
Raiders of the Lost Ark into a large box. He nails the box shut
and adds a lock. He puts the box on a dolly and carts it off
down a long corridor. On each side are other boxes and crates
of stuff put there so as not to cause any more harm to anyone.
Among the stuff in the warehouse - RED CROSS 9/11 Relief Funds.
Dramatic music plays the episode out. ]