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ALL SCRIPTS





                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 609


                                      "FREE HAT"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [The Bijou, day, inside. The four boys are seated in the front 
               row in the nearly empty theater. A couple sits near the back, 
               just three rows behind.]
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh, cool. A preview. 

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Coming this summer , it's the classic 
                         film that changed America. E.T.: The 
                         Extraterrestrial, the new, redone version 
                         for 2002.  All the E.T. effects have 
                         been digitally upgraded.  All the guns 
                         have been digitally changed to walkie-talkies. 
                         And the word "TERRORIST" has been changed 
                         to "HIPPIE."
 
                                     STAN
                         Aw, dude, why would they do that?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, hippies and terrorists are the 
                         same thing.
 
                                     KYLE
                         No, dude. They only changed "terrorist" 
                         to "hippie" to make E.T. more P.C.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         That's gay. 

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Coming this summer, it's the motion 
                         picture that changed America. Saving 
                         Private Ryan, the RE-RE-RELEASE, where 
                         the word "NAZI" has been changed to 
                         "PERSONS WITH POLITICAL DIFFERENCES," 
                         and all their guns have been replaced 
                         by walkie-talkies. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Why the hell do these directors keep 
                         updating their movies?
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         And now, for your feature presentation: 
                         the classic RE-RE-RE-RELEASE of Star 
                         Wars: The Empire Strikes Back
 
                                     THE BOYS
                         Woohoo!

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         In the version, the word "WOOKIE" has 
                         been changed to "HAIR CHALLENGED ANIMAL" 
                         and the entire cast has been digitally 
                         replaced by Ewoks.
 
                                     THE BOYS
                          AWWWW!!! 

               [The Bijou, day, outside. The boys exit the theater]

                                     STAN
                         Goddamnit, that pissed me off!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Yeah, we want our money back!

                                     SHLOMO
                         Sorry, suckers! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         You asshole! 

                                     KYLE
                         Why don't they leave those movies alone? 
                         We liked them the way they were!
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Don't you see what this means? All our 
                         favorite movies are going to be changed, 
                         and updated, until we can't even recognize 
                         them anymore.
 
                                     STAN
                         Tweek is right. It isn't fair for those 
                         asshole directors to keep changing their 
                         movies and making them different! Movies 
                         are art, and art shouldn't be modified!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, what if they had modified the 
                         Roman Coliseum every year? It would 
                         just be another big douchey stadium 
                         now.
 
                                     STAN
                         We have to do something. Let's form 
                         a club.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah! We can form a club that takes 
                         food stamps from poor people and then 
                         sells them back to the government for 
                         a profit.
 
                                     STAN
                         No, fatass! I mean a club to protect 
                         films from their directors, so they 
                         can't be messed with!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. We'll be the "Save Films From 
                         Their Own Directors" club
 
                                     CARTMAN, STAN
                         Yeah

                                     TWEEK
                         NO! Nono, ah I don't wanna form a club! 
                         That's too much pressure! Look, ah-I'm 
                         supposed to take it easy; just, watch 
                         the clouds, sit on the grass. And, if 
                         we form a club there'll be responsibilites. 
                         Commitments!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Tweek, now Goddamnit, we picked you 
                         to be our new friend to replace Kenny 
                         because we thought you were a team player!
 
                         
                                     TWEEK
                         I'm not! I'm not a team player!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Now, either you stop with these faggotronics 
                         or we'll find someone to replace YOU!
 
                         
                                     TWEEK
                          D'oh-ho! Oh Jesus!

               [South Park, later. The boys stand next to a phone pole and Stan 
               nails a sign onto it. He finishes and backs up to have a good 
               look at it.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Dude, that sign sucks! Nobody's gonna 
                         show up!
 
                                     STAN
                         Well what's wrong with it?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Look at it, dude. You're not offereing 
                         any fabulous prizes. You have to offer 
                         fabulous prizes if you want people to 
                         show up for your stupid crap. Here. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         "Free hat?"

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, if you offer free hats, m-maybe 
                         people will show up.
 
                                     TWEEK
                         But we don't have hats!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well we can just make them out of paper.
 
                         
                                     TWEEK
                         Aahh!

                                     CARTMAN
                         It's not hard, it's just a stupid little 
                         paper hat. People just need free stuff 
                         - don't you guys know anything?!
 
                                     TWEEK
                         You see?? First we were just forming 
                         a club, now we have to make hats! When 
                         does it end??
 
                                     STAN
                         Alright, let's go get the gymnasium 
                         ready. Tweek, you go make fifty hats. 
                         
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Fifty hats? Oh Jesus! 

               [Tweek's house, later. He's at his desk in his room frantically 
               making paper hats. His mug of coffee sits off to his left]
 
               
                                     TWEEK
                         Ah! I'll never make it! I'll never make 
                         it! 
 
                                     RICHARD
                          Tweek!

                                     TWEEK
                          Hrrr!

                                     RICHARD
                         Calm down, son. Remember what Dr. Norris 
                         told you. Find your center.
 
                                     TWEEK
                         My center. My... center.  Calm  Cup? 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Tweek!  TWEEK!!  TWEEK!!

                                     TWEEK
                          Gaaaaah!

                                     CARTMAN
                         How many hats have you made?

                                     TWEEK
                         Oh God!

                                     CARTMAN
                         We only have until 10 a.m. tomorrow! 
                          Get the lead out!
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Aaaah! Oh God! 

               [South Park Elementary gymnasium, next day. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman 
               stand outside the doors waiting for Tweek, who rushes up to them 
               with a box of hats. A poster behind them seems to have fallen 
               off the wall]
 
                                     TWEEK
                         You guys, we have a big problem!

                                     STAN
                         What?

                                     TWEEK
                         I was up, all night, making hats. I 
                         only slept for an hour, ...and then 
                         I dreamt about making hats, but I only 
                         made fifteen!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Calm down, Tweek. Fifteen might be enough.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, let's see if anyone has even shown 
                         up yet.  Dude, there's like a thousand 
                         people in there!
 
                                     TWEEK
                         A thousand?  Oh Jesus man! I don't have 
                         nearly a thousand hats!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Then I'mo kick your ass, Tweek!

                                     TWEEK
                         Goohoo!

                                     KYLE
                          Wait. It's okay. Look, maybe these 
                         people all turned out because they believe 
                         in saving films. Maybe they don't even 
                         care about the free hats.
 
                                     CROWD
                          Free hat!  Free hat! Free hat!

                                     TWEEK
                          Oh God!

                                     CARTMAN
                          I told you guys: never underestimate 
                         the power of a free hat.
 
                                     CROWD
                         Free hat! Free hat!

                                     TWEEK
                         I gotta move away, you guys!

                                     STAN
                         Relax, Tweek, we're just gonna have 
                         to go in there and explain what happened. 
                         There are more important things right 
                         now than free hats.
 
               [The school gym, inside. The crowd jumps up and cheers as the 
               four boys enter and climb onstage. Some of the signs they hold 
               read "FREE HAT," "FREADOM FOR HAT NOW!," and "HAT DIDN'T DO IT"]
 
               
                                     STAN
                          Okay, uh, we wanna thank you all for 
                         coming. We're really happy to see such 
                         enthusiasm for our cause.
 
                                     CROWD
                         Yeah! Yeah!

                                     STAN
                         Uh, one thing before I continue. Unfortuantely 
                         we don't have enough of the... free 
                         hats for everyone. 
 
                                     SKEETER
                         Eh- Excuse me?

                                     CARTMAN
                          Yes, we apologize, but our friend Tweek 
                         here didn't make enough of them.
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Oh! Jesus! Don't tell them it was me!
 
                         
                                     WOMAN
                          We don't care about that.

                                     TWEEK
                         You don't?

                                     STAN
                         You mean, you just came because you 
                         believe in our cause?
 
                                     SKEETER
                         Yeah. Free Hat.

                                     TWEEK
                         What?

                                     MAN
                         Hat McCollough. He was sent to prison 
                         in '82, and we believe he should be 
                         released!
 
                                     MAN 2
                         Yeah!

                                     CROWD
                         Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! 
                         Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
 
                                     STAN
                         Aaaah, , okay apparently there's been 
                         a bit of a misunderstanding. This is 
                         a rally to save films from their directors? 
                         
 
                                     MAN
                         To do what?

                                     KYLE
                         We believe that films are pieces of 
                         art that must be preserved from the 
                         perverse hands of their agent filmmakers..
 
                         
                                     SKEETER
                         Oh. Sorry. Um, come on, everyone, guess 
                         we're in the wrong place. 
 
                                     CROWD
                         Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!

                                     STAN
                         Waitwaitwaitwait!  Don't you see what's 
                         happening out there? The films you all 
                         grew up with, that touched YOUR lives 
                         and are part of YOUR soul are now being 
                         updated and changed. Join us and we 
                         CAN be a group that makes a difference!
 
                         
                                     SKEETER
                         Can't we also work towards freeing Hat?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Uh, sure, and we'll also try to free 
                         Hat.
 
                                     SOME PEOPLE
                         Oh yeeaahhh!! Raaaaah!! Woohoo!!

                                     CROWD
                         Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!

               [Stan's house, later. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman sit at the dining 
               room table, with Stan counting the sign-ups]
 
                                     STAN
                         ...212, 213, 214 members!

                                     TWEEK
                          You guys! You guys! Oh God! Um, I've 
                         got terrible news!
 
                                     KYLE
                         What?

                                     TWEEK
                         Ted Koppel wants us to appear on Nightline 
                         to talk about our cause.
 
                                     STAN
                         Really? That's great.

                                     KYLE
                         Yah.

                                     TWEEK
                         No it isn't, man! Thahat's waaay too 
                         much pressure!
 
                                     STAN
                         If we go on Nightline, the whole country 
                         can hear about what's happening to our 
                         classic films.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         But just remember that I do all the 
                         talking.
 
                                     KYLE
                         You?? Why?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Because I'm the official spokesman. 
                         I got dibs on it.
 
                                     STAN
                         When did we do dibs for it?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Just now -  1 2 3 dibs! 

                                     KYLE
                         Me.

                                     TWEEK
                         Ga-ahah!

                                     KYLE
                         Alright, fine!  You're the spokesman, 
                         Cartman! But you'd better not screw 
                         it up!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What could possibly go wrong?

               [Nightline. Ted Koppel is at his desk with the four boys in the 
               inset over his left shoulder]
 
                                     TED KOPPEL
                         A new movement is sweeping the country, 
                         led by four determined boys from South 
                         Park, Colorado. The organization was 
                         created to protect Hollywood's classic 
                         films from the hands of their directors. 
                         And also to free Hat McCollough. So 
                         boys, I ask you the question that's 
                         on everyone's minds, why does your organization 
                         want to free Hat McCollough, the convicted, 
                         confessed serial murderer of twenty-three 
                         babies?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          ...I believe that can best be answered 
                         by our official spokesman, Tweek. 
 
                         
                                     TWEEK
                         Gaaarh!

                                     TED KOPPEL
                         Well, Hat McCollough admitted he killed 
                         those toddlers? Why do you want him 
                         free?
 
                                     TWEEK
                          Oh, Jesus, man! ...N'ahah!

                                     TED KOPPEL
                         Just answer me this, Tweek: What do 
                         you see as "positive" about toddler 
                         murder?
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Ahah. U-uh. It's easy?

                                     TED KOPPEL
                          Yes... It is easy.  Alright, then on 
                         to your other cause, saving films from 
                         their directors. What got you boys interested 
                         in this, especially given your pro-toddler-murder 
                         status?
 
                                     KYLE
                         We believe that films have to be taken 
                         away from people like Steven Spielberg 
                         and George Lucas because they're insane.
 
                         
                                     TED KOPPEL
                         Well I'm glad you said that, boys, because 
                         joining us now are Steven Spielberg 
                         and George Lucas. 
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Oh Christ! Wwwaaaaaaah!

                                     STEVEN SPIELBERG
                          Hello, Ted.

                                     GEORGE LUCAS
                          Oh hi, Ted.

                                     TED KOPPEL
                         Gentlemen, these toddler-murder fans 
                         think you're insane and shouldn't be 
                         allowed to alter your films. Your response?
 
                         
                                     STEVEN SPIELBERG
                         Well, first of all, both George and 
                         I are very firmly against the murdering 
                         of toddlers.
 
                                     GEOGRE LUCAS
                         You're here.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Dude, that's Steven Spielberg and George 
                         Lucas. 
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Get me out of here! Please, somebody 
                         get me out of heeerre!
 
                                     STEVEN SPIELBERG
                         And as for altering our films, all we're 
                         doing is trying to reach a... new audience 
                         with our movies. As the makers of dreams, 
                         we like to speak ...for the children.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Ah, I thought we were speaking for the 
                         children.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, we're children.

                                     STAN
                         Uh-look, if the Beatles went back and 
                         updated their White Album every few 
                         years, what would we have now?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, these guys are only motivated 
                         by money, Ted.
 
                                     TED KOPPEL
                         How so?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Think about it. Spielberg? Jew. Lucas? 
                         Jew. Kyle? Jew. Coincidence?
 
                                     GEORGE LUCAS
                         I'm not a Jew! 

                                     STEVEN SPIELBERG
                         You little brat-! Ah, I mean, you darling 
                         children don't know what you're talking 
                         about. Changing E.T. was the best thing 
                         I ewver did.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, don't you see that it's not? It'd 
                         be like, changing Raiders of the Lost 
                         Ark!
 
                                     STEVEN SPIELBERG
                          Wait a minute. What'd you say?

                                     GEORGE LUCAS
                         Eh, that's brilliant!

                                     STEVEN SPIELBERG
                         Yes. Change Raiders of the Lost Ark! 
                         Why didn't we think of it before?!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          No. NOO!!

               [South Park Elementary School Gym, next day. "SAVE FILMS FROM 
               THEIR DIRECTORS AND FREE HAT MEETING TODAY." The boys stand before 
               the new club once again.]
 
                                     STAN
                         Members, this is our darkest hour. We've 
                         just learned that George Lucas and Steven 
                         Spielberg now intend to update and change 
                         Raiders of the Lost Ark.  There's only 
                         one way we can stop this important and 
                         historical piece of art from being harmed. 
                         Mr. Secretary? 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Thank you.  Our intelligence tells us 
                         that the original negative to Raiders 
                         of the Lost Ark is currently somewhere 
                         in George Lucas's house. We need to 
                         find and usurp that negative.
 
                                     MAN 3
                         And if we get a hold ot the negative 
                         they can't change the movie?
 
                                     STAN
                         That is our understanding.

                                     WOMAN
                         Sounds like a good idea to me. I don't 
                         want them to change Raiders of the Lost 
                         Ark.
 
                                     CROWD
                         YEAH!

                                     SKEETER
                         Yeah! We should go get that negative 
                         as soon as we get Hat free!
 
                                     CROWD
                         YEAH!  Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          Nonono! We need to do this first.
 
                         
                                     WOMAN
                         But we have to free Hat.

                                     STAN
                         It's just that, you know, he killed 
                         twenty-three babies.
 
                                     MAN 4
                         Well yeah, but it was in self-defense!
 
                         
                                     CROWD
                         YEAH!

                                     CARTMAN
                         He... killed... twenty-three babies 
                         in self-defense?
 
                                     SKEETER
                         Hat was attacked maliciously and unprovoked 
                         by a gang of babies in West Town Park. 
                         When that many babies get together they 
                         can be like piranha.
 
                                     MAN 5
                         Three eyewitnesses testified that if 
                         Hat hadn't killed those babies, they'd 
                         have killed him!
 
                                     CROWD
                         YEAH!  Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Alright alright. But right now we've 
                         gotta focus on getting those original 
                         prints of Raider
 
                                     SKEETER
                         He's right. We'd better split up. Some 
                         of you go with the boys and get those 
                         film prints, the rest of us come with 
                         me to go talk to the governor about 
                         freeing Hat.
 
                                     CROWD
                         YEAH!  Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! 
                         Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! 
                         Free Hat!
 
                                     STAN
                         Well, it looks like we're gonna have 
                         to do this ourselves.
 
                                     TWEEK
                         No! Not this! I'm out! I can't deal 
                         with the stress you guys create! 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         We're just gonna fly to California and 
                         break into George Lucas's house. What's 
                         stressful about that?
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Hwaaah!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Okay, Tweek, let me tell you something: 
                         You've been our new friend now for two 
                         weeks, okay? And I've gotta be honest 
                         with you, it isn't going well.
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Haaah!

                                     CARTMAN
                         People aren't that into you, Tweek. 
                         They find you kind of annoying. Now, 
                         I say you've got one last shot here, 
                         and I don't want you to blow it, okay? 
                         Does that help take the stress off?
 
                         
               [Skywalker Ranch, night. Inside the camera gets a view of Lucas's 
               library. Among the items there are various props from his Star 
               Wars films, four Emmys, four Oscars... the door opens and a flashlight 
               scans the room. Stan, holding the flashlight, walks in with the 
               other boys]
 
                                     STAN
                         Okay, go. 

                                     TWEEK
                          I'm breaking into George Lucas's house. 
                         I'm not breaking into George Lucas's 
                         house. I'm in a green field.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Stop, Tweek! This is not the time for 
                         faggocity! 
 
                                     KYLE
                          This looks like the right room.

                                     TWEEK
                         I'm in a field... surrounded by deer.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Over here! 

                                     KYLE
                         That's it!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Alriiight! Get it, Tweek!

                                     TWEEK
                         Huh uh.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Get it, you piece of crap, before I 
                         grab your nutsack and twist it!
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Guh huh huh! 

                                     GEORGE LUCAS
                         What are you doing?! 

                                     TWEEK
                         Oh God! Oh Jesus!

                                     GEORGE LUCAS
                         You're the boys from that ...stupid 
                         club. Give me that! 
 
                                     TWEEK
                          Aaaaaah!

                                     KYLE
                         Do with us what you will, Mr. Lucas! 
                          But please, don't change Raiders of 
                         the Lost Ark.
 
                                     GEORGE LUCAS
                         We're gonna make it better. The movie's 
                         gonna be changed, and that's that!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Alright, you asked for it. I'm afraid 
                         you leave us no choice. It's time for 
                         Plan B.
 
                                     STAN
                         Aw, really?

                                     TWEEK
                         Oh God, no! Not Plan B! 

                                     CARTMAN
                          You have a heart made of ice, Mr. Lucas, 
                         and so we're goin' tuh melt your icy 
                         heart... with a cool island song. Gentlemen? 
                         
 
                                     GEORGE LUCAS
                          ...What??

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hit it, Tweek!  In the tropical isle 
                         with the coconut tree, there's a lots 
                         of-
 
                                     STAN
                         Waitwaitwaitwaitwait. I thought we were 
                         gonna cool his hot heart with a cool 
                         island song.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         ...No, he has an icy heart.

                                     KYLE
                         ...But you can't melt ice with a cool 
                         song, 'tardheart.
 
                                     STAN
                         So we have to warm his icy heart with 
                         a "hot" island song
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         It's a cool island song.

                                     KYLE
                         Well then we're gonna end up freezing 
                         his hellish heart with a cool island 
                         song.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, do we wanna do that?

                                     GEORGE LUCAS
                         ALRIGHT, that does it!

               [Skywalker Ranch, day, Lucas's living room. The boys stand behind 
               Lucas as he talks on the phone with someone]
 
                                     GEORGE LUCAS
                          Yes, thank you, officer.  The police 
                         are on their way, boys.  Soon you'll 
                         be in jail getting RAMMED!
 
                                     TWEEK
                          Aaaahh!

                                     STAN
                         Those rams can do to us what they will, 
                         Mr. Lucas, but we'll never stop trying 
                         to protect films. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         It's not too late to do what's right. 
                         Give us the print. There's still some 
                         good in you, Mr. Lucas. We know there 
                         is. 
 
                                     GEORGE LUCAS
                         It is... too late for me, boys.

                                     KYLE
                         You yourself led the campaign against 
                         the colorization of films. You understand 
                         why films shouldn't be changed.
 
                                     GEORGE LUCAS
                         M-that's different. These are my movies. 
                         I made them, and I have the right to 
                         do whatever I want with them
 
                                     STAN
                          You're wrong, Mr. Lucas. They're not 
                         your movies. They're ours. All of ours. 
                         We paid to go see them, and they're 
                         just as much a part of our lives as 
                         they are of yours.
 
                                     KYLE
                         When an artist creates, whatever they 
                         create belongs to society
 
                                     GEORGE LUCAS
                         Have I... become so old that I've forgetten 
                         what being an artist is about?
 
                                     STAN
                         Give the print to us so that we can 
                         protect it from Spielberg and anyone 
                         else who wants to alter it.
 
                                     GEORGE LUCAS
                          Perhaps... you are right. 

                                     A VOICE
                         STOP!  What are you doing, George?!
 
                         
                                     GEORGE LUCAS
                         Steven, Uh, I-

                                     STEVEN SPIELBERG
                         Give me that print, George! We need 
                         to make the alterations!
 
                                     GEORGE LUCAS
                         Steven, these boys had a point. I don't 
                         remember what it was, but it was good.
 
                         
                                     STEVEN SPIELBERG
                         You haven't let these doe-eyed children 
                         affect your judgment, have you, George?! 
                          Don't forget: you belong to me.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Don't listen to him! You still have 
                         a chance to preserve your film! 
 
                                     GEORGE LUCAS
                         I'm... ah I'm sorry, boys. 

                                     STEVEN SPIELBERG
                          Now take the children prisoner! 

                                     KYLE
                         What??

                                     STEVEN SPIELBERG
                         You troublemakers shall be my guests 
                         of honor at the premiere of the NEW 
                         Raiders of the Lost Ark! Your gay little 
                         club is over!
 
                                     STAN
                         Fuck you, Steven Spielberg! Come on, 
                         you guys! 
 
                                     TWEEK
                          Oh my God they're gonna kill us. 
 
                         
                                     GUARD 1
                          Don't even think about it, kid! I'm 
                         not afraid to use this walkie-talkie!
 
                         
                                     GUARD 2
                         The one with the cocaine-problem escaped, 
                         mein Direktor.
 
                                     STEVEN SPIELBERG
                         Leave him!! Let him run back to his 
                         mommy!  We must get the film ready for 
                         the premiere.  Lucas! Come! 
 
               [A commercial]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Coming, this summer!  It's the digitally-enhanced 
                         re-release of the very first pilot episode 
                         of South Park!  Yes, the classic, rough, 
                         hand-made first episode is getting a 
                         make-over for 2002!  The simple, funny 
                         aliens are now super-badass and kewl! 
                          Flying saucer? No longer cheap construction 
                         paper, but a 4.0 megapixel constructed 
                         through a masterpiece of technology! 
                         Everything's new! New is better!
 
                                     TREY PARKER
                          When we first made South Park, we didn't 
                         wanna use construction paper. We just 
                         had to because it was cheap.
 
                                     MATT STONE
                         And now with new technology we can finally 
                         remaster South Park, make it look sharp, 
                         clean and focused.
 
                                     TREY PARKER
                         Expensive. 

                                     ANNOUNCER
                          Yes, all the charm of a simple little 
                         cartoon  will melt before your eyes 
                         as it is replaced by newer and more 
                         standardized animation!
 
                                     TREY PARKER
                          For instance, in the scene at the bus 
                         stop, we always meant to have Imperial 
                         walkers and giant dewback lizards in 
                         the background, but simply couldn't 
                         afford it.
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Get this special enhanced version quick, 
                         because another enhanced version will 
                         likely be coming out for 2003!
 
               [School Gym, sometime later. "URGENT" in white has been scrawled 
               over the sign next to the door. Tweek stands onstage inside, 
               facing the gathered club]
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Members, uuhh, oh Jesus, uh, we have 
                         to do something! Our club president 
                         , treasurer , and secretary  have all 
                         been taken hostage be Steven Spielberg! 
                         Haaa!
 
                                     MAN 3
                         Prisoner? You mean, like Hat?

                                     TWEEK
                          Yes, just like hat!!

                                     SKEETER
                         But the governor won't pardon Hat. So 
                         how can we get him out of prison? 
 
                         
                                     TWEEK
                         No! Listen to me! We're not talking 
                         about Hat right now, okay?! Gad!! Look, 
                         we went to George Lucas's house a-and 
                         tried to melt his icy heart with a warm 
                         island song, but then Spielberg showed 
                         up and took three of our members prisoner! 
                         They're goin' to premiere their new 
                         Raiders of the Lost Ark, and we have 
                         to rescue them! Do you understand?!
 
                         
                                     WOMAN
                         Hey, he's got a point there.

                                     MAN 6
                          Yeah... Maybe we could melt the governor's 
                         icy heart with a cool island song!
 
                         
                                     MEMBERS
                          Yeah.

                                     TWEEK
                         No!

                                     SKEETER
                         No?

                                     MAN 7
                         No! He's right. We have to freeze his 
                         hot heart with a cool island song.
 
                         
                                     WOMAN
                         Or is ti freshen his hot temper with 
                         a cool island song?
 
                                     MAN 8
                         Let's cool his hot temper with a fresh 
                         island song.
 
                                     MAN 9
                         That's it!

                                     MAN 10
                         Let's go! Come on! 

                                     TWEEK
                         Oh God. I'm gonna have to do this myself. 
                         Oh God!
 
               [Excess Hollywood. Raiders of the Lost Ark is featured.]

                                     PAT O'BRIEN
                         Well, the print is finished and the 
                         day has come. Tonight, Steven Spielberg 
                         and George Lucas  will be at the premiere 
                         of the new special edition of Raiders 
                         of the Lost Ark. Lots of celebrity guests 
                         and other rich people will be on hand 
                         to witness all the updated effects and 
                         modernized technology.
 
               [A desert. Spielberg leads a group of people to the site of the 
               premiere. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are among the guests, but their 
               hands are tied behind their backs. Four people follow carrying 
               a large box from two long poles. The box reads "FINAL PRINT RAIDERS 
               OF THE LOST ARK 2002" The three guards are there with Spielberg 
               and Lucas, and Francis Ford Coppola has joined the lead pack. 
               The camera follows the group, but slowly pulls back until Tweek 
               appears with a bazooka on his shoulder]
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Hello!

                                     STEVEN SPIELBERG
                          The kid? The tweaked out kid?!

                                     TWEEK
                         I'm gonna blow up the print, Spielberg! 
                         
 
                                     STEVEN SPIELBERG
                         Your pesistence surprises even me. 
 
                         
                                     FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA
                          Surely you don't think you can escape 
                         from this premiere.
 
                                     TWEEK
                          That depends on how reasonable we're 
                         all willing to be. All I want are my 
                         friends.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Wow.

                                     TWEEK
                         Except for Cartman - you can keep him.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         AY!

                                     FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA
                         And if we refuse?

                                     TWEEK
                         Then your premiere has no movie!

                                     STAN
                         He's definitely lost it

                                     KYLE
                         Yup.

                                     STEVEN SPIELBERG
                          Okay, okay. Stan- stand back, stand 
                         ba- stand back! Back!  Okay kid, you 
                         win.  Blow it up.  Zuroch! Zuroch!  
                         Blow it back to God.  All your life 
                         has been the pursuit of seeing a great 
                         film! This new version of Raiders has 
                         digital effects beyond your wildest 
                         dreams! You want to see it screened 
                         just as much as I. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Come on, Tweek! Blow it up!

                                     STEVEN SPIELBERG
                          Son, we are simply passing through 
                         history. This... is imPROVED history. 
                          Do as you will. 
 
               [The governor's office, day. The governor is at his desk, bored. 
               The Free Hat club members break out in song]
 
                                     MEMBERS
                         In the tropical isle with the coconut 
                         tree, the air is fresh and the people 
                         are free.
 
                                     MAN 5
                         But here in the mountain there's no 
                         freedom like that.
 
                                     SKEETER
                         There's a man in prison and his name 
                         is Hat. 
 
               [A sign saying "RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK Premiere Tonight" has 
               alternating blinking lights. The camera moves off the sign and 
               onto the makeshift open-air theater. Two men bring forth the 
               Ark of the Covenant, which was in the box. The men move off. 
               The audience is seen, with the four boys in the very back. Stan 
               and Kyle are tied to one post, Tweek and Cartman to the other. 
               Spielberg, dressed as a High Priest, approaches the Ark]
 
                                     STEVEN SPIELBERG
                          Hafaa malifi! Thanks for coming, everyone. 
                          This is the birth of the NEW version 
                         of Raiders of the Lost Ark! We shall 
                         screen it here, and then destroy all 
                         the old prints in celebration!
 
                                     AUDIENCE
                         Hooray! All right!

                                     STEVEN SPIELBERG
                         Begin the film! 

                                     AUDIENCE
                          Whoa.

                                     STAN
                          You guys, close your eyes. Don't look 
                         at it.
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Ah, what?!

                                     STAN
                          Don't watch the movie, you guys. It'll 
                         be terrible. Close your eyes! 
 
                                     AUDIENCE
                          Whoa. Ahhh.

                                     STEVEN SPIELBERG
                         It's beyooootiful. 

                                     VIEWER 1
                         Wait a minute. This version is awful!
 
                         
                                     VIEWER 2
                         Yeah! They ruined it!

                                     VIEWER 3
                         Oh my God, it's terrible! 

                                     GEORGE LUCAS
                         AaaaAAAAA!!

               [the three men huddle, frightened as they are. On screen, Indy 
               is reaching for a golden item. Rays of light alight from the 
               screen and move out over the audience, shooting through the viewers' 
               chests and killing them. Coppola, Lucas, and Spielberg are overwhelmed 
               with the energy from the rays. The men become disfigured, then 
               their faces melt away. Spielberg's head explodes. The rays diffuse, 
               then gather back into the Ark. The spirits of all killed are 
               gathered into the Ark as well. The lid lands on the Ark perfectly 
               with a final roll of thunder. A few second laters, when all is 
               quiet, Stan raises his head and looks around]
 
                                     STAN
                         Yuh, you guys okay. 

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. I I think so.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Man, that new version must have sucked 
                         balls.
 
               [South Park, day. A celebration is taking place at South Park 
               Square. An orchestra performs below the stage. The boys are onstage 
               watching it all. A man, a mayor's aide, walks up to the mic]
 
               
                                     AIDE
                         Today is a day of celebration, and we 
                         owe it all to these four brave young 
                         boys. 
 
                                     TOWNSMAN
                         Yeah! Alright!

                                     AIDE
                         And thanks to the bravery of this young 
                         man in particular,  ...Hat McCollough 
                         is finally free from prison! 
 
                                     TOWNSFOLK
                         Yeah! Woohoohoo!

                                     KYLE
                         ...What? 

                                     TOWNSFOLK
                         Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! 
                         Hat! Hat!
 
                                     HAT MCCOLLOUGH
                         Thank you everyone-KILL! KILL THE INNOCENT!! 
                         Uh, I'm so thankful for all your support-RAPE 
                         THE VIRGINS!! And uh, I just wonder 
                         if i could get a baby real quick? 
 
                         
                                     SKEETER
                         Sure. Give that man a baby!

                                     TOWNSFOLK
                         Yeah! Woohoohoo! 

                                     STAN
                         Come on, you guys. Let's get out of 
                         here. 
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Oh my God!

               [South Park, day. The boys walk away from the celebration and 
               down the street.]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Do you think we did a good thing, Stan? 
                          I mean, no one even seemed to notice.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah well, sometimes the things we do 
                         don't matter right now. Sometimes they 
                         matter... later. We have to care more 
                         about later sometimes, you know? I think 
                         that's what separates us from the Steven 
                         Spielbergs and George Lucases of the 
                         world.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         That and youth. Those guys are old.
 
                         
                                     TWEEK
                         But what about the original prints of 
                         Raiders of the Lost Ark? What if somebody 
                         else takes them and tries to change 
                         them?
 
                                     STAN
                         Don't worry, Tweek. It's somewhere safe. 
                         Somewhere where... nobody will ever 
                         find it.
 
               [A secret warehouse. Someone packs all the original prints of 
               Raiders of the Lost Ark into a large box. He nails the box shut 
               and adds a lock. He puts the box on a dolly and carts it off 
               down a long corridor. On each side are other boxes and crates 
               of stuff put there so as not to cause any more harm to anyone. 
               Among the stuff in the warehouse - RED CROSS 9/11 Relief Funds. 
               Dramatic music plays the episode out. ]
 

               THE END

Free Hat



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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