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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 604


                                    "FUN WITH VEAL"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [A ranch, day. A rancher stands next to his cow corral as the 
               South Park Elementary bus drives up. The bus stops and Ms. Choksondiksteps 
               off]
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Okay children, step off the bus and 
                         form a group next to the nice redneck 
                         - I mean, rancher.
 
                                     RANCHER
                         Hello, boys and girls. My name is Rancher 
                         Bob.
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Let's all say hello to Rancher Bob.
 
                         
                                     KIDS
                         Hi, Rancher Bob.

                                     RANCHER BOB
                         I'm pleased to show you all the wonderful 
                         world of beef. Follow me.
 
                                     KYLE
                          City kids get to go to museums for 
                         field trips. We get cow farms.
 
                                     RANCHER BOB
                         Now, out here you can see our cattle. 
                         This is where the magic begins as the 
                         cows eat and sleep and prepare for certain 
                         death. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         They look so delicious. 

                                     RANCHER BOB
                          Now here we have the slaughterhouse. 
                         This is where we turn the cows into 
                         steaks and burgers. 
 
                                     KIDS
                         Eewwww!!

                                     KYLE
                         Aw, dude. 

                                     RANCHER BOB
                         Hey, anybody want a free sample?

                                     CARTMAN
                          Memememee!

                                     RANCHER BOB
                          And in here, boys and girls, we have 
                         our...  veal ranch.  You see, with veal 
                         the whole key is keepin' the cows chained 
                         so they can't walk around or get any 
                         exercise. That way, their muscle tissue 
                         stays soft, and makes for tender veal.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Wiat a minute. Veal is... little baby 
                         cows??
 
                                     RANCHER BOB
                         Yeppir.

                                     KYLE
                         Then why the hell do they call it "veal"??
 
                         
                                     RANCHER BOB
                         Well, if we called it "little baby cow" 
                         people might not eat it.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, I wouldn't have.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Huh, me neither.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, man, look at that one!  It looks 
                         delicious
 
                                     KYLE
                         What??

                                     CARTMAN
                         Mm, succulent and juicy.  Can we have 
                         a free sample of these, too?
 
                                     RANCHER BOB
                         Well, no, but all these veals are goin' 
                         to the slaughterhouse tomorrow mornin'. 
                         They'll be steaks by tommorow afternoon 
                         and then you can buy them at your grocery 
                         store.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Alriiight!

                                     STAN
                         Tomorrow morning?  Dude, we gotta help 
                         them.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah.

               [Cartman's house, night. A light is on in the living room. Catman 
               is asleep in his bed. Butters, Stan and Kyle climb up to his 
               window.]
 
                                     STAN
                          Pst, Cartman.

                                     CARTMAN
                          No, Uncle Jesse, no!

                                     STAN
                          Cartman, wake up!

                                     CARTMAN
                          What? What the hell are you guys doing??
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          Come on, we've gotta go!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Where are we going?

                                     STAN
                         We're gonna go to save the little baby 
                         cows, fatass!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What? Why?

                                     KYLE
                         'Cause they're gonna get slaughtered 
                         tomorrow, butthole!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         So?

                                     STAN
                         So we can't let 'em die, douchebag! 
                         You're our friend; now come help us!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, lessee, in the last three point 
                         two seconds you've called me "fatass," 
                         "butthole," and "douchebag." I really 
                         don't feel like you guys's friend. 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         We're sorry, you are our friend. We 
                         need you to help us because friends 
                         stick together.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh-wait. I thought... yoyou said we 
                         needed him because he has the "Mission 
                         Impossible Breaking and Entering playset."
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Damnit Butters, will you shut up?!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oho! So you me and my Mission Impossible 
                         Breaking and Entering playset!
 
                                     STAN
                          Yes we do. We're those little baby 
                         cows' only hope. Will you help us?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes. Yes I will. If Kyle will kiss my 
                         black ass. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         What?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Just give it a little kiss and I'll 
                         help.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Screw you, Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hokay, but if you want my help you have 
                         to give it just a little kiss.  Kiss 
                         it.
 
                                     STAN
                         Go on, dude it's the only way.

                                     KYLE
                         No!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Kiss it. Come on.  Kiss it.

                                     STAN
                         Just do it really fast, and we can go.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Have Butters kiss it.

                                     CARTMAN
                         No, it has to be Kyle. 

                                     KYLE
                         Awww! 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh man, that was soho awesome!

                                     KYLE
                         Sick! I felt it on my face!

                                     STAN
                         Okay, very funny Cartman, now come on!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hell, I'm not goin' with you!

                                     KYLE
                         Hyaaaa! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Heeeey! 

               [Rancher Bob's ranch, night. The boys are walking on the roof 
               of the veal ranch. They stop, and Stan opens the playset to put 
               on the costume and harness]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh I don't know about this, fellas. 
                         It says right here on the Mission Impossible 
                         Breaking and Entering playset: "Not 
                         for actual breaking and entereing. B-breaking 
                         and entering is a cr-riime."
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, well killing little helpless baby 
                         cows should be a crime, too!  How does 
                         this thing work, Cartman?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Jesus, don't you guys have any toys? 
                         First you put on the black ski mask 
                          and use the torch to cut a hole in 
                         the roof. 
 
               [The hold is created, and Stan, now dressed in black and in harness, 
               is lowered into the ranch. He stops just short of the ground]
 
               
                                     STAN
                          Okay, that's far enough. I'm going 
                         to go delta.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          You have to talk louder. I forgot the 
                         double-A batteries for the SuperTalk 
                         play-action headset.
 
                                     STAN
                          I said that's far enough!  Don't be 
                         scared, little baby cow. We're here 
                         to set you loose.  There you go. You're 
                         free. Run away!  Go! They're gonna murder 
                         you.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Stan, could you hurry it up? I'm freezing 
                         my ass off.
 
                                     KYLE
                         You need to freeze some of your ass 
                         off.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         O! At least I have as ass, Jew!

                                     KYLE
                         What? 

                                     STAN
                         Come on, you stupid baby cows!  You 
                         have to get out of here. 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Huuh what's the matter?

                                     STAN
                         They aren't leaving.

                                     CARTMAN
                         See? Maybe they want to become sweet 
                         juicy veal steaks.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey. They've never been allowed to walk 
                         before. They just don't know how.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Oh yeah, they're too weak to move.  
                         Well, we've gotta get 'em out of here. 
                         We'll just keep them at Butters' house 
                         until they can get their strength back.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         No no no no no! I can't bring cows into 
                         my house. I'll get grounded.
 
                                     STAN
                         Okay, fine Butters! I guess you're not 
                         a team player! We'll bring them to my 
                         house.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude! How are we gonna move twenty three 
                         calves to your house?
 
                                     STAN
                         I dno't know.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I've got it. We could kill Butters, 
                         and then float the calves on a river 
                         of blood.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Don't be stupid, Cartman! Butters doesn't 
                         hve that much blood in him!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Eh yeah I do too!

                                     STAN
                          We're just gonna have to carry them 
                         one by one.  Come on, you guys. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Eh! 

               [The boys are shown walking down an icy road, each carrying a 
               calf... except... one calf is sliding across the ice, then stops. 
               Cartman appears to follow it, but he approaches it and stands 
               next to it]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Check it out, you guys. I'm calf-curling. 
                         
 
               [Stan's house, day. The boys and the calves are in Stan's room. 
               Three of the boys are there with the calves]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Man, these calves smell like crap! I 
                         don't see how you're gonna hide them 
                         from your mom much longer.
 
                                     STAN
                         We won't have to. Butters said he has 
                         something in his house that makes baby 
                         cows strong again. He's bringing it 
                         over.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Butters has that at his house?

                                     BUTTERS
                          Hey fellas!

                                     STAN
                         Butters!  Did you bring it?

                                     BUTTERS
                         I sure did. We'll have those poor baby 
                         cows in shape in no time!
 
                                     KYLE
                         All right!

                                     BUTTERS
                          "Susanne Sommers' Calf Exerciser."
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         What?

                                     BUTTERS
                         "Makes your calves stronger in just 
                         - two days!"
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh, God-damnit! That's your plan?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Eh, you thnk it's a gimmick? Susanne 
                         promises right on the box that it works.
 
                         
               [Stan's house, front door, moments later. Rancher Bob and Officer 
               Barbrady are at the front door. Barbrady knocks. Sharon opens 
               the door and Rancher Bob tips his hat to her]
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Hello, Mr. Marsh.

                                     SHARON
                         Officer Barbrady. What can I do for 
                         you?
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Well, we've got a little problem. Gent 
                         here caught your boy and his friends 
                         trespassing on his ranch. They stole 
                         some of his property.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Stole? A-a-are you sure? 

                                     RANCHER BOB
                         I followed a calf-curling path right 
                         to your house, ma'am.
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         Ooo, Stan's in trouble. Let me kick 
                         his ass, Mom.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Not now - my son is not a thief. I'm 
                         sure this is just some kind of a misunderstanding. 
                          Stanley, did you see-? 
 
                                     STAN
                         Aw crap!

                                     SHARON
                         Stanley, what are you doing with those 
                         calves?
 
                                     STAN
                          That asshole is gonna kill them and 
                         feed them to people!
 
                                     RANDY
                         Stanley, they belong to him.

                                     STAN
                         They don't belong to anybody! Please 
                         Mom, we don't want these calves to die.
 
                         
                                     SHELLEY
                         Let me hit him, Mom!

                                     SHARON
                         Stanley, this isn't up for discussion. 
                         The rancher is gonna take his cows back 
                         and  you don't have a choice!  Stanley! 
                         Stanley, you open this door right now 
                         or you're gonna get it!
 
                                     STAN
                         No!

                                     RANDY
                         Stan, you're behaving like a kid!

                                     STAN
                         You're the ones who made me eat veal 
                         without telling me what it was! You're 
                         the onew who know we were making little 
                         baby animals suffer! 
 
                                     SHARON
                         Open this door, now!

                                     STAN
                          Kiss my ass!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh Jeez, he said "ass" to his parents.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         You're getting in pretty deep, dude. 
                         
 
               [Stan's house, living room. The adults have gone back downstairs.]
 
               
                                     SHARON
                         I apologize for this, Mr. rancher person.
 
                         
                                     RANCHER BOB
                         Oh, why, why don't you just tell them 
                         that the cows will be safe. And when 
                         they come out I can take them back.
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         I can't lie to my son, okay? If I betrayed 
                         him like that, I'd pay for it the rest 
                         of my life.
 
                                     RANCHER BOB
                         Well that's just too bad. Look it, that's 
                         eight hundred dollars' worth of veal 
                         up there and I have to ship it out Friday. 
                         What are you goin' to do, Officer Barbrady?
 
                         
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Me?? How did I get into this mess?
 
                         
               [Stan's room. Stan paces the floor.]

                                     KYLE
                         So what happens now?

                                     STAN
                         I'm gonna lock myself in here with these 
                         cows until we have a guarantee of their 
                         safety, in writing.
 
                                     KYLE
                         We're with you, dude.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeah.

                                     STAN
                          Don't be so sure. Because I'm gonna 
                         tell you: this is gonna get ugly. Real 
                         ugly. When all is said and done you 
                         could all be looking at being grounded 
                         for three, perhaps even four weeks. 
                         So if any of you guys want out, just 
                         say the word now.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I want out.

                                     STAN
                          Shut up, Cartman.

                                     KYLE
                         We're with you, Stan.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Hey y-yeah. W-w-we can't let those little 
                         baby cows down. Why, they've got no 
                         one else to turn to.
 
                                     STAN
                         Then it's settled. One for all and all 
                         for one! Except Cartman.
 
                                     KYLE, BUTTERS
                         Yeah!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah! Wait-what?

               [Stna's house, living room, night. Kyle's parents have joined 
               the other adults.]
 
                                     SHARON
                         And so that's the situation. Our boys 
                         have locked themselves in Stan's room 
                         until we can promosie them the calves 
                         will live free, in writing.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Well, this is ridiculous! I don't know 
                         how you raise your kids, but my son 
                         does not play negotiator with me!
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         We excuse me, Sheila, but it wasn't 
                         that simple!
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         HA! Give me fifteen seconds with Kyle 
                         and I'll have that door open!  Kyle?! 
                          This is your mother! You will open 
                         this door right now!
 
                                     KYLE
                          ...No I won't.

                                     SHARON
                          Yes, I see what you mean, Sheila.  
                         That was very impressive.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          Kyle, if you don't do as you're told, 
                         I'm going to be very angry!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well you made me eat veal and didn't 
                         tell me what it was. So go ahead and 
                         be angry, you baby calf-killing bitch!
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                          Very persuasive.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          AAAAA! Open this door!! Open this door!!
 
                         
                                     CHRIS
                          Whoa-ho-ho, let, let me try.  Butters? 
                          Butters, this is your father.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Oh, sweet Jesus. Uh, what do I do?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Be strong, Butters. You knew it would 
                         come to this.
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Butters? Answer me!

                                     BUTTERS
                          But they-ah they're angry at me.

                                     KYLE
                         Don't panic. I'll tell you what to say. 
                          You can tell them...
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Butters! Right now!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Dad, uh, why don't you suck my fat one?
 
                         
                                     CHRIS
                         WHAT?!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh, sweet Jesus.

                                     CHRIS
                          What's gotten into them?

                                     SHARON
                         Alright, Stanley, this has gone on long 
                         enough! Your little game is over!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         This isn't a game, Mom. We're not coming 
                         out until know the calves will be safe.
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         Well that's fine! You boys can just 
                         stay in there and starve to death. Us 
                         parents are going to go to Pizza Shack 
                         and have pepperoni pizza and ice cream.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh, God-damnit you guys.

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman, stay away from that door!
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         You'll have to come out sooner or later, 
                         boys. The longer you wait, the more 
                         trouble you'll be in. 
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          Mmmrragh!!

                                     STAN
                          Round one is over. We made it. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         We didn't make it! Your mother's right, 
                         douchebag! What are we gonna do? Stand 
                         here until we starve?!
 
                                     STAN
                         Our parents would never let us starve. 
                         They're bluffing. This is a battle of 
                         wills. If we hold out long enough, they'll 
                         give in.
 
                                     KYLE
                         But we will have to sleep, dude.

                                     STAN
                         Three of us can sleep while one keeps 
                         watch. We'll shift every couple of hours.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                          Hehey! This is gonna be just like Vietnam, 
                         huh fellas! Whoopie!
 
                                     STAN
                         We'll stay in this room with these baby 
                         cows for as long as it takes! 
 
               [Stan's house, living room, after dinner. The women wait at the 
               sofa while the men try to reason with the boys. Liane is now 
               present as Sheila crosses her arms and pats her left shoulder 
               with her right hand. Moments later, the men come down the stairs]
 
               
                                     RANDY
                         Well we tried everything. We can't get 
                         through the door without tearing apart 
                         the house.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Dear God, it's been over thirteen hours!
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                         Oh, but my poor little poopsie must 
                         be getting so hungry. Maybe we should 
                         get them a little food.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Ms. Cartman, this is a battle of wills. 
                         We need our boys to know that we're 
                         not gonna cave in, at all.
 
                                     LIANE
                         Oh, all right.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Let's all just go to bed and let them 
                         play their little game for as long as 
                         they can.
 
               [Stan's room, night. From outside, his room is the only one lit. 
               Inside, Cartman, Kyle and Butters are in his bed while Stan sits 
               at his desk]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Good night, fellas!

                                     KYLE
                         Good night.

                                     BUTTERS
                          Good night, Patches. Good night, Halloway. 
                         Good night, Nepture. Good night, Davis. 
                         Good night, Bud. Good night, Red. Good 
                         night, Paulette. Good night, Chastity.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Butters, I'm going to kill you over 
                         and over again.
 
               [Stan's room, fade to day. Hour 29. The boys are all drowsy and 
               a little disheveled. Stan sits on his bed stroking a calf, Butters 
               sits on the floor, Cartman rests against a calf, Kyle holds his 
               stomach]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Can't go on. Need... food...

                                     KYLE
                         We didn't realize hunger made you feel 
                         so bad.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         There's only one alternative, you guys. 
                         We're gonna have to eat a calf.
 
                                     STAN
                         No, Cartman, we're not eating a calf!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         All right. Then we're gonna have to 
                         eat Butters. 
 
                                     KYLE
                          He might be right, dude.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Aw, heck. 

                                     STAN
                         Wait, what is that?  Dude!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Food!

               [Stan's house, outside. Liane lowers her pole as Sharan and Sheila 
               go outside to see what's going on.]
 
                                     SHARON
                         Ms. Cartman, what are you doing?

                                     LIANE
                         Oh, I just can't stand to see my baby 
                         suffer
 
                                     SHARON
                         Oh dear God, you've ruined everything.
 
                         
               [Stan's room, moments later. The boys take shares of food out 
               of the basket.. Stan walks away with two apples.]
 
                                     KYLE
                         All right!

                                     STAN
                         See? Now we can hold out for weeks!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Look you guys! Beef jerky!

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah! And fried chicken! 

                                     STAN
                          Wha? 

                                     KYLE, CARTMAN
                         Mmmmm.

                                     STAN
                         Dude, what are you guys doing?

                                     KYLE
                         We're eating, dude.

                                     STAN
                         You're eating meat! What the hell do 
                         you guys think we're doing all this 
                         for?!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey! I'm doing it to save little baby 
                         cows. I'm not gonna stop eating meat 
                         altogether.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Me neither.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, if you don't eat meat at all, 
                         you become a pussy.
 
                                     STAN
                          That's fine! You guys can live off 
                         of flesh, but I'm never eating meat 
                         again!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Go ahead, that's more for us.  You want 
                         some beef jerky, buddy? Yes, who's the 
                         buddy? Who's hungry?  Who's the hungry 
                         man?
 
                                     KYLE
                          Dude, that's messed up. 

               [Stan's house, night, Hour 34. Police and fire departments and 
               an ambulance are at the house, with a kleig light shining into 
               Stan's room from the fire truck. Inside, Stan sits on the floor 
               still eating his apples, Cartman stands next to the chair, Butters 
               sits on the bed. The sound of breaking news is heard]
 
                                     KYLE
                         You guys, check this out! 

                                     FIELD REPORTER
                         Tom, I'm standing in front of the house 
                         where three insane boy terrorists have 
                         barricaded themselves inside a room 
                         with twenty-three live infant cattle.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hey, look. Some other kids are doin' 
                         the same thing we are.  Eugh
 
                                     FIELD REPORTER
                         Several attempts to break into the room 
                         have proven unsuccessful, Tom, and the 
                         crisis is intensifying. Here's what 
                         some people have to say.
 
                                     CRAIG'S FATHER, TOM
                          We were sleeping when suddenly we heard 
                         all the commotion. I mean, to think 
                         this could happen right here in our 
                         own community. 
 
                                     RANDY
                         We gave those kids everything, and they 
                         turned into little... John Walkers!
 
                         
                                     FIELD REPORTER
                         The police chief of South Park says 
                         that there will be no negotiations with 
                         terrorists.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh no. Eh this is big-time trouble now, 
                         fellas.
 
                                     STAN
                         No, this is exactly what we wanted.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         It is?

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, don't you see? This validates 
                         everything that we're doing. If we're 
                         making the news, then this is obviously 
                         important to people.
 
                                     FIELD REPORTER
                         Tom, it looks like I have an update: 
                         Yes, it looks like the boy terrorist 
                         story is not interesting news to anyone. 
                         Uh, nothing else was going on, Tom, 
                         so this was the only story we had to 
                         make seem important, but people are 
                         just simply tuning out. So, HBC will 
                         now be switching programming once again 
                         to "Puppoies from Around the World."
 
                         
               [the news break switches to a series of dog scenes. First, dalmatians 
               run across a field to the tune of bagpipes, then a small dog 
               looks around to the tune of Chinese music, then a puppy in a 
               basket as a mariachi band is heard, then another dog is shown, 
               then another, then a puppy is shown following a tennis ball, 
               then another dog plays with the camera as more mariachi music 
               is heard]
 
                                     STAN
                          ...I don't believe it.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Ehuh, the Chinese puppy's... my favorite 
                         so far.
 
               [Stan's house, fade to day. Hour 53. Stan and Butters are sleeping, 
               and Butters, sleeping face down, has his left arm across Stan's 
               chest. Stan stirs and opens his eyes.]
 
                                     STAN
                          Butters? Buh-Butters! You have your 
                         arm around me! 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Oh, sorry. I thought you were Mr. Pickles. 
                         
 
                                     VOICES
                         We must help the helpless, we must save 
                         the unsaved
 
                                     KYLE
                         Huh, what the hell is that?

                                     HIPPIES
                         If we... fight together we can make 
                         sure the road is paved.
 
               For a... brighter tomorrow...

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hippies!

                                     STAN
                         What are they doing here?

                                     HIPPIE
                          We're with you boys! Your message is 
                         real and your voice is just. 
 
                                     HIPPIES
                         Hooray! Hooray!

                                     KYLE
                         Dude! Those gaywads are on our side?
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Ew, they're all dirty.

                                     CARTMAN
                         What did I tell you, Stan! We save some 
                         baby cows from being eaten, and now 
                         we're no-good dirty God-damned hippies!
 
                         
               [Stan's house, night, Hour 75. Police and fire departments and 
               an ambulance have returned. HBC News is there again with its 
               field reporter]
 
                                     FIELD REPORTER
                         Tom, the calf terrorist standoff continues 
                         as now members of the FBI arrive to 
                         put an end to the conflict. 
 
                                     SHARON
                          Oh Jesus Christ. 

                                     FBI AGENT
                         Who's in charge here?

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         I am. But I don't want to be.

                                     FBI AGENT
                         Where's the negotiator?

                                     FBI NEGOTIATOR
                         Right here! Glen Dumont, Negotiator 
                         Squad
 
                                     FBI AGENT
                         All right, see what you can do.

               [Stan's room. Stan is petting a calf. Kyle looks on. Stan coughs 
               and sniffs]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, are you okay?

                                     STAN
                         Aw, I just feel so rundown. I don't 
                         know what's wrong with me. I've got 
                         these sores. 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         What is that?

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, maybe we should end this.

                                     STAN
                         No!

               [Stan's house, outside. The negotiator walks up to the negotiation 
               van, which has all the equipment he needs to handle a negotiation]
 
               
                                     GLEN DUMONT
                         Give me a hard line to the phone in 
                         that house! 
 
                                     OFFICER BARBARDY
                         The terrorists already said there's 
                         no way they're coming out.
 
                                     GLEN DUMONT
                          Don't worry, I'm a negotiator. It's 
                         my job to talk to freaks like this and 
                         bring about a peaceful resolution using 
                         clever psychology.
 
               [Stan's room. The phone rings and Stan goes to answer it]

                                     STAN
                         Hello?

                                     GLEN DUMONT
                         Hello, my name is Mike. I'm a negotiator. 
                         Is it okay if I talk to you?
 
                                     STAN
                         Ah, hold on.  It's some negotiator named 
                         Mike. What do I do?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Don't give him anything!

                                     STAN
                         Waht do I say??

                                     CARTMAN
                          Dah, give me that!  Talk to me Mike.
 
                         
                                     GLEN DUMONT
                         I'm here to make sure we can all end 
                         this peacefully. You want that, right?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Sure, sure.

                                     GLEN DUMONT
                         How about we make a trade, just show 
                         that we can trust each other.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What do you have in mind?

                                     GLEN DUMONT
                         Well, how about you send out one of 
                         the calves?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, Mike, you're breakin' my balls here, 
                         Mike.
 
                                     GLEN DUMONT
                         Just one, that's all we want.

                                     CARTMAN
                         All right, how 'bout this? You guys 
                         have all the leverage and we have nothing. 
                         So how about we give you one calf... 
                         -
 
                                     STAN
                         Cartman, no!

                                     KYLE
                         Dude! 

                                     CARTMAN
                          We'll give you one calf, if you give 
                         us... some guns and ammunition of our 
                         own.
 
                                     GLEN DUMONT
                         What? I, I can't do that.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were talkin' 
                         here, but I guess you're not talkin' 
                         to me. Goodbye.
 
                                     GLEN DUMONT
                         No no wait, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 
                         Yuh, you're right. What reason do you 
                         have to trust me? I'm just a guy from 
                         Lakewood trying to make ends meet, you 
                         know? Just a blue-collar guy like your 
                         dad.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Don't have a dad, Mike. That's not gonna 
                         work.
 
                                     GLEN DUMONT
                          Oh. All right, fine, son of a gun, 
                         let me see what I can do.
 
               [Stan's house, night, Hour 154. The authorities are still there, 
               waiting out the standoff]
 
                                     GLEN DUMONT
                         Okay. Up a little... left a little... 
                          Almost there.
 
                                     RANDY
                          What is that?

                                     GLEN DUMONT
                         We're giving the boys some guns in return 
                         for our calves
 
                                     RANDY
                         What?

                                     SHARON
                         You're giving my baby guns?

                                     GLEN DUMONT
                          Hey, this is a negotiation process, 
                         okay? Did you people go to negotiator 
                         school? No, you didn't!  Get them on 
                         the line for me!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hello.

                                     GLEN DUMONT
                         Alright, you see that? I keep my end 
                         of the bargain.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         All right, we'll keep ours. We'll send 
                         out one calf. 
 
                                     GLEN DUMONT
                         Well, ha- how about you send out two 
                         calves?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, Jesus! You know, there's just no 
                         talking to you, is there, Mike?! 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         O-ogh...

                                     CARTMAN
                         We had a deal! Do you think I'm stupid?! 
                         Don't treat me like I'm stupid here! 
                         
 
                                     GLEN DUMONT
                         I'm sorry, I'm sorry.  Damnit, I'm losing 
                         them.  Okay, I'm sorry. Just send out 
                         one calf.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh nonono, now you're gonna have to 
                         get us something else! 
 
                                     GLEN DUMONT
                         What do you have in mind?

               [Stan's house, day. Hour 169. This makes one week and an hour 
               since the standoff began]
 
                                     GLEN DUMONT
                         A little to the left...  Okay, that's 
                         good. A little to the right. 
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         You're giving them a missile??

                                     GLEN DUMONT
                          Stand down, ma'am! Stand down! This 
                         is a delicate process! I've almost earned 
                         their trust!
 
               [Stan's room]

                                     KYLE
                          Stan's getting worse, you guys.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Mike, speak.

                                     GLEN DUMONT
                         How are we doin'?

                                     CARTMAN
                         We got a real sick kid here, Mike. Did 
                         you get the other things for us?
 
                                     GLEN DUMONT
                         Weh ah I did manage to get the FDA to 
                         officially change the word "veal" to 
                         "tortured baby cow." 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Good, good.

                                     GLEN DUMONT
                         But I couldn't get you North and South 
                         Dakota.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, Mike, breakin' my balls, Mike.
 
                         
                                     GLEN DUMONT
                         Now, now please can, can we get you 
                         to come out? 
 
               [Outside Stan's house, night]

                                     GLEN DUMONT
                         All right, everythng has worked out. 
                         The boys have promised to come out and 
                         bring the cows out with them.
 
                                     ADULTS
                         Yes! All right! Woohoo!

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Whoops, sorry I doubted your abilities, 
                         Mr. Negotiator.
 
                                     FBI AGENT
                         They're coming out now?

                                     GLEN DUMONT
                         Yes. All we need to do in return is 
                         get a cattle-transporting semi-truck 
                         that will take the boys and the cattle 
                         to Denver International Airport, where 
                         we have a fully-gassed airplane waiting 
                         to take them all to Mexico.
 
                                     SHARON
                         What??

                                     GLEN DUMONT
                         And they want the guy that plays Mr. 
                         Worf on "Star Trek" to drive the truck. 
                          In full makeup.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Jesus Christ!

                                     FBI AGENT
                         All right, that does it! You are in 
                         fact the worst negotiator I've ever 
                         seen in action!
 
                                     GLEN DUMONT
                         All right, all right, I'll give you 
                         that. But in return, I want three staples.
 
                         
                                     FBI AGENT
                         Get out of here!  We'll get them the 
                         semi, and we'll get them the Worf guy. 
                         If they see that, thay'll come out and 
                         then, we could take them.
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         But isn't that dishonest?

                                     FBI AGENT
                         Maybe so, but if we don't do something 
                         soon, there could be fifty, even sixty 
                         people who'll have to go without veal 
                         for dinner. Are you prepared to let 
                         that happen?
 
               [Outside Stan's house, night. Hour 201, just after sunset. The 
               semi-truck Cartman ordered arrives.]
 
                                     FBI AGENT
                         All right. Where is Mr. Dorn?

                                     MICHAEL DORN
                          I was woken up at three in the mornng, 
                         told I had to put on makeup, and come 
                         to this town.  What the hell is gong 
                         on?!
 
                                     FBI AGENT
                         I'm sorry, Mr. Dorn. It's FBI business. 
                         We've got terrorists making demands 
                         and we need your help.
 
                                     MICHAEL DORN
                         This is highly unusual!

                                     FBI AGENT
                          All right boys, we have your truck. 
                         And we have an airplane on the tarmac 
                         at Denver International.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         And Worf?

                                     MICHAEL DORN
                         My name is Michael Dorn. I play a character 
                         called Worf.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Stan! It worked!

                                     STAN
                          It... did?

                                     KYLE
                         They got us a truck, and an airplane, 
                         and Mr. Worf! The calves are gonna be 
                         okay!
 
                                     STAN
                         Pick me up. I... I want to see. 

               [Outside Stan's house, night. The authorities prepare for the 
               kids' surrender. The front door opens and Cartman looks out. 
               The FBI agents take aim.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Step back! Tell those men to step back!
 
                         
                                     FBI AGENT
                         Do it!

                                     FBI AGENTS
                          Mmrrrr.

                                     HIPPIES
                         All right! Woohoo! Yeah!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Aw, shut up, you freakin' hippies! 
                          Alright, Mr. Worf, start the engine 
                         and put her in gear. Oh, amd you must 
                         refer to me as "Captain."
 
                                     MICHAEL DORN
                         Where am I supposed to drive to?

                                     CARTMAN
                         No. See, must say, "Captain, where am 
                         I supposed to drive to?"
 
                                     MICHAEL DORN
                         Captain, where am I supposed to drive 
                         to?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You're going to back the truck up to 
                         the door of the house so we can safely 
                         load in the calves.
 
                                     MICHAEL DORN
                         This whole thing is ridiculous!

                                     CARTMAN
                          "Captain, this whole thing is ridiculous!"
 
                         
                                     MICHAEL DORN
                          Captain, this whole thing is ridiculous. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Okay, all set!

               [An overhead view of the scene shows a News 4 helicopter covering 
               the story  from the camera of another News 4 helicopter]
 
                                     FIELD REPORTER
                         Tom, it looks as though the terrorists 
                         are now loading the baby cows into the 
                         back of a semi. This is still very uninteresting 
                         news, Tom.
 
               [Ground view, inside the trailer]

                                     BUTTERS
                         Okay Cartman!

               [Ground view, on the street]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Step on it, Mr. Worf! 

                                     BOYS
                         All right!

               [inside the trailer]

                                     BUTTERS
                         We're going! 

                                     KYLE
                         Mexico here we come! 

               [in the cab. Police cars follow the semi]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Wait a minute. They're following us! 
                         Full speed, Mr. Worf!
 
                                     MICHAEL DORN
                         We cannot keep going fast on these icy 
                         roads!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          "Captain, we cannot keep going fast 
                         on these icy roads?"
 
                                     MICHAEL DORN
                         Captain, we cannot keep going fast on 
                         these icy roads.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Alright, Mr. Worf. Then reduce speed 
                         to forty-five and maintain distance 
                         from those police cruisers.
 
               [inside the trailer. Stan casts his eyes down at the floor]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         Stan, we're almost there. You've got 
                         to hold on.
 
               [On the street. The semi passes by Rancher Bob's ranch]

                                     FBI AGENT
                         Alright, they're in front of the cattle 
                         ranch. Hit it! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh, it's a double-cross!!

                                     FBI AGENT
                          Alright, boys! The game is over! Get 
                         out of the truck with your hands up!
 
                         
               [in the trailer]

                                     KYLE
                         Oh no! No!!

               [in the cab]

                                     CARTMAN
                         What are you waiting for? Go kill them, 
                         Worf!
 
                                     MICHAEL DORN
                         I'm NOT killing anybody!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Egh! Some God-damned Klingon you are!
 
                         
               [Rancher Bob's Cattle Ranch, moments later. The FBI agents take 
               the calves into the veal ranch as the boys stand next to the 
               semi. Michael Dorn is there as well.]
 
                                     STAN
                         We're sorry, cows. We tried. We tried!
 
                         
                                     FBI AGENT
                          Alright boys, just stay right there 
                         until your parents arrive.
 
                                     MICHAEL DORN
                         Can I go now?

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Here you go, Mr. Rancher. I got your 
                         cattle back for you
 
                                     RANCHER BOB
                         Oh.  Well, it doesn't matter now.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         What you do mean?

                                     RANCHER BOB
                         You see, in the six days since the word 
                         "veal" was officially changed to "little 
                         tortured baby cow" the market has gone 
                         dry. Seems that people see "little tortured 
                         baby cow" on their menus, they don't 
                         feel like orderin'.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Really?

                                     RANCHER BOB
                         Yep, damn things ain't worth spit now. 
                         I'll let 'em live outside with the other 
                         cows and live a normal life.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Do you hear that, Stan? It worked! We've 
                         shut down the veal industry!  Stan? 
                         Stan?? 
 
               [Hell's Pass Hospital, next day. The boys and their families 
               are present at Stan's hospital bed. Stan is half-awake now, hooked 
               up to IVs and all.]
 
                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         He's very luck you got him here when 
                         you did. He was in a very advanced state 
                         of vaginitis.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Vaginitis?

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         It occurs when a person stops eating 
                         meat. Those sores on his skin were actually 
                         small vaginas. If we hadn't stopped 
                         it in time, Stan would have eventually 
                         just become one great big giant pussy.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Whoa, dude.

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         We've got an IV of pure beef blood pumping 
                         into Stan's veins and the... sores are 
                         fading.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Thank God we stopped it in time.

                                     STAN
                         Well, I guess we learned somethng today: 
                         it's wrong to eat veal because the animals 
                         are so horribly mistreated, but if you 
                         don't eat meat at all you break out 
                         in vaginas.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hear hear.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         All right boys, it's time to go home. 
                         You've got some serious grounding time 
                         to start.
 
                                     CHRIS
                         I'll say!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Aw, we're still grounded?

                                     KYLE
                         But, but we, we learned things, and 
                         took up a cause.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Yes Kyle, but you still defied your 
                         parents. And you need to learn that 
                         terrorism is never the answer.
 
                                     CHRIS
                         That's right, let's get these terrorists 
                         to their rooms.  But first,  maybe we 
                         can grab some burgers.
 
                                     THE BOYS
                         All right!

               THE END

Fun With Veal



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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