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ALL SCRIPTS


 

                                       "SOUTH PARK"

                                       Episode 217

                                         "GNOMES"

                                        Written by

                            Pam Brady, Trey Parker & Matt Stone



               [South Park Elementary. The class bell rings and the children 
               are rowdy.]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Settle down, children. I have some 
                         difficult news. This is going to make 
                         you all very sad.  The school board 
                         is considering firing me as your teacher. 
                         There's a possibility that I will be 
                         let go and never allowed to teach you 
                         again.  Yes, Stanley?
 
                                     STAN
                         That's okay with us.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah.

                                     KID
                         Yeah, we don't care.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, that's fine.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         No it isn't it makes you very sad. Now, 
                         apparently, the school board thinks 
                         that I don't teach you anything about 
                         current events, so tomorrow they're 
                         going to have you do presentations for 
                         the whole board.
 
                                     CLASS
                         Aawwww! 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          "Current Events in South Park." Now, 
                         I want you all to read a newspaper, 
                         or better yet, watch television, and 
                         come up with something current in South 
                         Park to do a report on.
 
                                     CLASS
                         Aawwww! 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Now, this'll be a group project, so 
                         I'm going to place you all into groups 
                         of five. Let's see, uh. Wendy, Bebe, 
                         Clyde, Pip, and Token , you'll be Group 
                         1, and Group 2 will be Stan, Kyle, Eric, 
                         Kenny, aaand, and Tweek.
 
                                     TWEEK
                          AAAghah heheh.

                                     STAN
                          Oh, not Tweek.

                                     KYLE
                         We don't wanna be in a group with Tweek.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         There's nothing wrong with Tweek. I 
                         bet he'll do a great job in your group.
 
                         
                                     TWEEK
                         I can't take that kind of pressure. 
                         No, Sweet Jesus, ple-hehease!
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, we can't work with this kid.
 
                         
                                     TWEEK
                         Yuh-ugh!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         That's what Chad Everett thought when 
                         the new female intern joined the cast 
                         of Medical Center. He thought. "Who 
                         is this woman with her gazungas and 
                         high heels? What does she know about 
                         medicine?" Well, that intern soon saved 
                         Chad Everett's brother with a kidney 
                         transplant. So, you see? 
 
                                     STAN
                         No.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well, let me put it another way. You 
                         have to give your oral report to the 
                         entire South Park Town Committee tomorrow! 
                         And if it doesn't kick ass, and you 
                         make me look bad, Mr. Hat is gonna smack 
                         you bitches up!
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Waah!

                                     [SOUTH PARK, DOWNTOWN. OFF TO THE RIGHT OF TOM'S RHINOPLASTY IS A COFFEE STORE
                         Tweek Bros. A businessman walks in with 
                         briefcase.]
 
                                     MR. TWEEK
                         Hello there, customer.

                                     CUSTOMER
                         Hello. How are you today?

                                     MR. TWEEK
                         Great. What can I get for you? Large 
                         coffee, small coffee? 
 
                                     CUSTOMER
                         I'm actually interested in something 
                         else. I'm John Postem from the Harbucks 
                         Coffee Corporationů
 
                                     MR. TWEEK
                         Oh, you're that corporate guy who's 
                         been calling.
 
                                     POSTEM
                         That's right. How come yuu don't call 
                         me back? All we wanna do is buy out 
                         your coffee shop here.
 
                                     MR. TWEEK
                         Oh, forget it, my my store is not for 
                         sale.
 
                                     POSTEM
                         My company's prepared to make you a 
                         veerry generous offer.  This is a Cramsonite 
                         briefcase. All leather, it has four 
                         compartments and a keyless lock. Interested?
 
                         
                                     MR. TWEEK
                         Uh, I don't think so. My coffee shop 
                         is worth a lot to me.
 
                                     POSTEM
                         Well all right.  How about $500,000?
 
                         
                                     MR. TWEEK
                         The answer is still no, Mr. Postem. 
                         You see, when my father opened this 
                         store 30 yars ago, he cared about only 
                         one thing: making a great cup of coffee. 
                          Sure, we may take a little longer to 
                         brew a cup, and we may not call it fancy 
                         names, but I guess we just care a little 
                         more.  And that's why Tweek Coffee is 
                         still home-brewed from the finest beans 
                         we can muster. Yes, Tweek Coffee is 
                         a simpler cup, for a simpler America.
 
                         
                                     POSTEM
                         Well, that's too bad. We're just gonna 
                         have to open our Harbucks right next 
                         door to you.
 
                                     MR. TWEEK
                          But that could put me out of business.
 
                         
                                     POSTEM
                         Hey, this is a capitalist country, pal! 
                         Get used to it! 
 
                                     BARBRADY
                          Hello, Mr. Tweek.

                                     MR. TWEEK
                         Hi, Officer Barbrady.

                                     BARBRADY
                         Who was that?

                                     MR. TWEEK
                         Oh, just some dong. What can I get for 
                         you.
 
                                     BARBRADY
                         Ths usual.  Ogh. Thanks. See you tomorrow.
 
                         
                                     MR. TWEEK
                         Bye-bye. 

               [South Park Elementary. The class is now in groups of five. Tweek 
               is still wired]
 
                                     STAN
                         Okay, we have to do this stupid report, 
                         sooo-
 
                                     TWEEK
                          AAAaaagh. Ugh, ugh, huh, aarrrnnn. 
                         Aaarrrhaharn.
 
                                     STAN
                         Sooo, let's figure out what to do it 
                         about. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         How about we do it on that Raymond guy 
                         on TV, you know, Everybody Loves Raymond.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          No, Cartman, we can't do it on Raymond 
                         again! It has to be on a current event 
                         in South Park. Tweek, do you have any 
                         ideas?
 
                                     TWEEK
                          Uuurrnnn, too much pressure!

                                     STAN
                         Great. A lot of help you are, kid.
 
                         
                                     TWEEK
                         The gnomes!

                                     STAN
                         What?

                                     TWEEK
                          We can do our report on the gnomes.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         What gnomes?

                                     TWEEK
                         The underpants gnomes. The little guys 
                         that, that come into your room late, 
                         late at night and steal your underpants. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, so that's where all my underpants 
                         go.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, that's the dumbest thing I've 
                         ever heard.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, I've neve seen any underpants 
                         gnomes.
 
                                     TWEEK
                         They come out at 3:30 in the morning. 
                         Most people aren't up then, but I am. 
                         I can't sleep. Ever.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, we can't do a presentation on 
                         underpants gnomes. Mr. Garrison will 
                         fail us because you're making it up.
 
                         
                                     TWEEK
                         No!! Sleep at my house tonight; I'll 
                         prove it to you.
 
               [The Tweek house that night. Mr. Tweek and his wife are in the 
               kitchen. They have three coffeemakers going on at once. Coffee 
               mugs are everywhere]
 
                                     MR. TWEEK
                         They want me to sell the store, and 
                         it's so much money.
 
                                     MRS. TWEEK
                         Some things are more important than 
                         money.  The people of South Park count 
                         on you to give them that first cup of 
                         coffee every day.
 
                                     MR. TWEEK
                         I know, but if they open a Harbucks 
                         right next door, we might go out of 
                         business. They really have my balls 
                         in a vice grip. 
 
                                     MRS. TWEEK
                         Oh, hello, son. How was your day?

                                     TWEEK
                         UUuuUunh!

                                     MRS. TWEEK
                         That's good. Who are your little friends?
 
                         
                                     TWEEK
                         What do you mean?!

                                     KYLE
                         We're his oral report buddies.

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, we have to stay up all night to 
                         write it.
 
                                     MRS. TWEEK
                         Well, have some coffee boys. I'll brew 
                         up another pot for later. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Coffee? I don't think I like coffee.
 
                         
                                     MRS. TWEEK
                         Hoh, you'll like this coffee. It's fresh
 
                         
                                     MR. TWEEK
                          Country fresh, like the morning after 
                         a rainstorm.
 
                                     STAN
                         'K. Maybe it'll help us figure out what 
                         to do our report on. We have to present 
                         it to the entire South Park town committee 
                         tomorrow.
 
                                     MR. TWEEK
                         Oh. I've got one for you. How about 
                         doing a report on how large corporations 
                         take over little family-owned businesses.
 
                         
                                     MRS. TWEEK
                         Richard!

                                     MR. TWEEK
                         No, I'm- serious, hon. These boys should 
                         learn how the corporate machine is ruining 
                         America. You see, I own a coffee shop 
                         and now a great, big, multi-million 
                         dollar company is going to move in and 
                         try to take all my business, which means 
                         I may have to shut down and sell my 
                         son Tweek into slavery.
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Mwaaah! Slavery?

                                     MR. TWEEK
                         Yes, slavery.

                                     STAN
                          Wow, that sucks, dude.

                                     MR. TWEEK
                         They really have my balls in a salad 
                         shooter.
 
                                     KYLE
                         We're already doing a paper on Tweek's 
                         underpants gnomes.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah.

                                     MRS. TWEEK
                         Now, Tweek, how many times do we have 
                         to tell you? Your underpants are missing 
                         because you lose them, not because of 
                         underpants gnomes.
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Uunnnnhh!

                                     KYLE
                         Come on, you guys! We better get to 
                         work! 
 
                                     MR. TWEEK
                         Wuh-okay, but corporate takeovers is 
                         a much more fertile subject.
 
                                     MRS. TWEEK
                         Honestly, Richard. I don't see why you 
                         have to preach to some eight-year olds.
 
                          
                                     MR. TWEEK
                         Actually, honey, I think those little 
                         tykes are just what we need. I've got 
                         an idea.
 
               [later that night, in Tweek's room. The boys sip their coffee.]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         Man, this stuff is strong.

                                     STAN
                         Kind of bitter.

                                     TWEEK
                          What if my parents go out of business? 
                         Uhwhat'll I do?
 
                                     KYLE
                          Don't worry about it.

                                     TWEEK
                         But we'll starve and die like dogs.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Tweek, Tweek, you can always go on welfare. 
                         Look at Kenny's family: they're perfectly 
                         happy being poor and on welfare. Right, 
                         Kenny?
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Fuck you!)

                                     CARTMAN
                         Heheh, you suck, Kenny.

                                     KYLE
                         Well, let's just try to finish all this 
                         coffee, so we can stay up.
 
                                     [STILL LATER
                         10:08 p.m..]

                                     TWEEK
                         Aaaaaa!

               Kyle	Woohoo! [dives from the bed into a pile of toys, then runs 
               back to the bed]
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Let me try! Let me try!)

                                     STAN
                         Yeess, this stuff rocks!

                                     KYLE
                         Honest, dudes! I feel awesome!

                                     STAN
                          Whoopee!

                                     KENNY
                          (Look at me! Look at me!)

                                     CARTMAN
                          Eyah! Eyah! Seriously! I'm a sorcerer! 
                         You guys! Zhyagah, zhyah, zhyagot that.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Hey, Tweek, you got anymore of this 
                         stuff?
 
                                     TWEEK
                         I just have ground.

                                     KYLE
                         Killer!! 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Ey, let me have some grounds. 

                                     KYLE
                         Gross, Cartman. Whoopee!

                                     [10
                         15 p.m. gives way to 3:26 a.m., which 
                         finds the boys sitting against the bed. 
                         Tweek is on it, and Cartman is passed 
                         out next to the toys, surrounded by 
                         pools of vomit. Kenny looks sleepy]
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Hogh, my stomach hurts.

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, mine too. I wonder why.

                                     KYLE
                          Well, it's 3:30; I don't see any god-damned 
                         underpants gnomes, Tweek!
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Urgh. Uh maybe, maybe it was all in 
                         my head. Maybe I'm going insane! Oh 
                         no I'm going insane!
 
                                     STAN
                          Well, this is just great! We haven't 
                         gotten anything done, and we're totally 
                         screwed!
 
                                     MR. TWEEK
                          How's the report going, boys?

                                     STAN
                         Bad!

                                     MR. TWEEK
                         Oh, do you need some more coffee?

                                     THE BOYS
                         Eugh.

                                     CARTMAN
                         No... more... coffee. Blech. 

                                     MR. TWEEK
                         Well. Boys, ub. I don't mean to pry, 
                         but, if you want it, I wrote your report 
                         for you.
 
                                     ALL
                          You did?!

                                     MR. TWEEK
                         Yes, it's all about corporate takeovers. 
                         Of course, you don't have to use it...
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          No, we'll use it.

                                     MR. TWEEK
                         All right.  And it can be our little 
                         secret about who wrote it, right? 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Sure. 

                                     MR. TWEEK
                         Now, when you give the report,  just 
                         make sure that you read this part first, 
                         okay? 
 
               
               [the gnomes open the door and enter]

               "Search for underpants, hey

               We won't stop until we have underpants

               Yum tum yummy tum day!"

                                     TWEEK
                         There they are!

               
               [A gnome goes for Tweek's bottom drawer, opens it, and takes 
               out some underpants.]
 
               "Time to go to work, work all night

               Search for underpants, hey!

               We won't stop until we have underpants

               Yum tum yummy tum day!"

               
               And when you come up to do it a second time, really, really clear 
               it up, I mean, um, really, really play the sympathy angle. They'll 
               like that. They'll be calling you, and you'll get a passing grade 
               for it.
 
                                     TWEEK
                         You guys, look! Look! You're missing 
                         it!
 
                                     [THE GNOMES TAKE OFF WITH TWO PAIRS OF UNDERPANTS
                         ]

               "We won't stop until we have underpants

               Yum tum yummy tum day! "

                                     TWEEK
                         Aaaaa! They took them again!

                                     KYLE
                         Thanks, dude.

                                     MR. TWEEK
                         My pleasure. G'night, boys. 

                                     STAN
                         Wow, Tweek, your dad rocks!

                                     TWEEK
                         Why do they torture me like this?! Why 
                         can't they leave me alone?!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Damnit! What the hell is wrong with 
                         you, Tweek?!
 
                                     TWEEK
                         They took my underpants again! Soon 
                         they'll want my blood! Blood! Euuggh!
 
                         
               [South Park Elementary, the next day. The five-member South Park 
               committee listens as Tweek's group speaks]
 
                                     KYLE
                          And as the voluminous corporate automaton 
                         bulldozes its way through bantam America,
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          What will become of the endeavoring 
                         American family?
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          I don't think they wrote this, Mr. 
                         Hat.
 
                                     STAN
                         Perhaps there is no stopping the corporate 
                         machine.
 
                                     TWEEK
                          Uurrgh!

                                     KYLE
                         And that's our report, I guess.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well, boys, it's obvious you didn't 
                         even-!
 
                                     LADY MEMBER
                         Great job!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Yes, great job.

                                     LADY MEMBER
                         Boys, you have really opened our eyes. 
                         We didn't even know this was happening.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Neither did we.

                                     LADY MEMBER
                         Well, Mr. Garrison, it looks like we 
                         were wrong about you. You really are 
                         teaching these kids something.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Yeah, well, I don't want to sound like 
                         a dickhole, but I told you so.
 
                                     LADY MEMBER
                         Aw, I am really moved. I say we follow 
                         these boys's cause. Let's join them 
                         in the fight against corporate takeovers! 
                          Lead the way, boys!
 
                                     STAN
                         Huh??

                                     TWEEK
                         Uunh, it's too much pressure!

               [Harbucks is going up]

                                     POSTEM
                          Good! Good! Now, make sure that sign 
                         is really bright and flashy now.
 
                                     MRS. TWEEK
                         My goodness. That's going to be a huge 
                         coffee house, honey.
 
                                     MR. TWEEK
                         Yes, it is.  They really have my balls 
                         in a juice maker.  Oh, hello, son, uh. 
                         How did your report go?
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Waahh!

                                     KYLE
                         I think it went really good. Those people 
                         really got into it.
 
                                     MR. TWEEK
                         Really?? Well, son, you might have just 
                         saved the family business.What do you 
                         have to say about that?
 
                                     TWEEK
                         I need coffee.

                                     MR. TWEEK
                         I know how you boys feel.  Sometimes 
                         a hot cup of French Roast Amaretto is 
                         just what a man needs to get him through 
                         the day. That smooth aroma and mild 
                         taste is what make Tweek coffee...  
                         uh very special. Special, like an Arizona 
                         sunrise or a juniper wet with dew. A 
                         light rain in the middle of a dusty 
                         afternoon or a hug from your dear old 
                         aunt- .
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Dad!

                                     MR. TWEEK
                         What?

                                     TWEEK
                         The metaphors, man!

                                     MR. TWEEK
                         Oh, sorry. Here you go. 

                                     KYLE
                         Hey. Do you ever think maybe you shouldn't 
                         give your son coffee?
 
                                     MRS. TWEEK
                         Liike, how do you mean?

                                     KYLE
                         Like look at him. He's always shaking 
                         and nervous.
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Aaaaa!

                                     MRS. TWEEK
                          Uhoh that. He has ADD, Attention Deficit 
                         Disorder. That's why he's so jittery 
                         all the time. 
 
                                     LADY MEMBER
                         Mr. Tweek, we've only just heard.

                                     MR. TWEEK
                         Oh, hello committee members. What a 
                         surprise.
 
                                     LADY MEMBER
                         So, this is the corporate bulldozer 
                         trying to push you off the map. 
 
                                     MR. TWEEK
                         Yes. How did you hear?

                                     LADY MEMBER 2
                         These boys did an excellent report for 
                         us this morning. They're so upset by 
                         this whole thing
 
                                     KYLE
                         My butt hurts.

                                     LADY MEMBER
                         Don't worry, Mr. Tweek. This committee 
                         is not going to let you be run out of 
                         business by these bastards! Do you hear 
                         that? You're not gonna get away with 
                         this, you whore!"
 
                                     POSTEM
                         Excuse me?!

                                     LADY MEMBER 2
                         Boys, we've talked it over, and we want 
                         you to take your case to the mayor!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Our case?

                                     TWEEK
                         Uuuuh, no way, man! That is way too 
                         much pressure!
 
                                     MR. TWEEK
                          Oh, you'll do fine, son.

                                     LADY MEMBER 2
                         Come on, boys! Let's go!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Aw, man, this sucks! 

                                     TWEEK
                          Aaarrrnnn!

               [City Hall. Mr. Garrison is present with the boys and the town 
               committee]
 
                                     LADY MEMBER
                         ...And we would have never even known 
                         that this was happening if not for these 
                         boys' excellent report.
 
                                     MAYOR
                         You're telling me that students from 
                         Mr. Garrison's class actually did something 
                         that had some kind of relevance to the 
                         world?
 
                                     LADY MEMBER
                         That's right. 

                                     MAYOR
                         Mr. Garrison, the guy with the puppet?
 
                         
                                     LADY MEMBER
                         Yes!

                                     MAYOR
                         Well, I must say, Garrison, perhaps 
                         you're not as stupid and crazy as I 
                         always tell people you are.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Thank you, Mayor. I don't wanna sound 
                         like a dickhole, but I-
 
                                     LADY MEMBER
                         Mayor, these boys want that Harbuck's 
                         coffee shut down right now!
 
                                     MALE MEMBER
                         Yeah!

                                     LADY MEMBER 2
                         Hyeah!

                                     MAYOR
                         Well, I can't just shut them down, this 
                         is a free country.
 
                                     LADY MEMBER
                         But they're ruining our city!

                                     MAYOR
                         Look, the best I can do is create a 
                         proposition. We'll call it Prop. 10. 
                         The town can vote on it, and if it passes, 
                         we'll see what we can do.
 
                                     BLOND MEMBER
                         Hooray!

                                     THE OTHER MEMBERS
                         Hooray!

                                     LADY MEMBER
                          What do you say, boys? We're gonna 
                         pass a law!
 
                                     STAN
                         Uh. Hooray.

                                     MAYOR
                         So I guess you wanna do some campaigning. 
                          You can do commercials and things like 
                         that, and then we'll have a vote in 
                         the middle of town. And obviously, if 
                         more than 50% of the people even show 
                         up,
 
               ["Time to go to work, work all night

               Search for underpants, hey!

               We won't stop until we have underpants

               Yum tum yummy tum day!

               Time to go to work, work all night" The gnomes go up to Johnson 
               and pull his underpants out]
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Waah!

                                     MAYOR
                         "Search for underpants, hey!

               We won't stop until we have..." A gnome tosses the underpants 
               to two others, who carry it away over their heads. They all leave]
 
               
               ...and care enough to want Harbucks out, then, they're out. So, 
               good luck to you. [the town committee leaves]
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Didn't you see them!!

                                     MAYOR
                         All right, what's next.

                                     AIDE 2
                         Next is issue 37D, missing underpants. 
                         
 
                                     JOHNSON
                         Is it cold in here?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Uh, boys, can I have a quick this and 
                         that with you? Boys, I don't know who 
                         wrote that report, but now that you've 
                         convinced everybody, you'd better stick 
                         with it. 'Cause if these people find 
                         out you didn't really write that paper, 
                         and I actually do get fired, then Mr. 
                         Hat is gonna do horrible things to you. 
                          Oh, not that, Mr. Hat! That's REALLY 
                         horrible! Anyway, good luck passing 
                         your new law, boys.
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Jesus, man, Jesus! What are we gonna 
                         do, huh?!
 
                                     HOST
                         Live, it's the South Park Town Hall 
                         Meeting on Public Access. Tonight's 
                         topic: Prop. 10. 
 
                                     MEDIATOR
                         Should Harbucks be allowed to open a 
                         store in South Park? That's tonight's 
                         topic. On my left, five innocent, starry-eyed 
                         boys from Middle America.  On my right, 
                         a big, fat, smelly corporate guy from 
                         New York. 
 
                                     AUDIENCE
                         Boo!

                                     POSTEM
                         Hey, I'm not fat or smelly!

                                     MEDIATOR
                         All right, Mr. Douchebag-

                                     POSTEM
                         Postem!

                                     MEDIATOR
                         Oh. Pardon me, Mr. Assfaced. Anyway, 
                         let's hear your side of the argument.
 
                         
                                     AUDIENCE
                         Boo!

                                     POSTEM
                         My argument is simple. This country's 
                         founded on free enterprise. Harbucks 
                         is an organization that-.
 
                                     AUDIENCE
                         Hhssssssss!

                                     POSTEM
                         An organization that prides itself on 
                         great coffee! We simply want tuh- Oh, 
                         to hell with you!
 
                                     MEDIATOR
                          Okay, Uckyoufay. Now for the other 
                         side of the argument we turn to our 
                         young, handsome lads.  Boys, your thoughts. 
                          Come on, boys, don't be shy. What's 
                         your principal argument? 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Uh.

                                     STAN
                         Uh.

                                     CARTMAN
                         This guy sucks ass!

                                     AUDIENCE
                         Yeah! Yeah! Woo!

                                     MEDIATOR
                         Great argument! You win, boys!

                                     POSTEM
                         What?!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          That was close, Mr. Hat.

               [The boys' first commercial, beginning with an American flag 
               waving, filling the screen]
 
                                     VOICE-OVER
                         What is the future of America? Is it 
                         the money we make?  The quests we conquer? 
                          No, it's children.  So what do children 
                         have to say about Prop. 10?
 
                                     KYLE
                          I don't like big corportations.

                                     STAN
                          I like small businesses.

                                     CARTMAN
                          I believe in the family-owned enterprise.
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                          (In my family, it's a silly enterprise.)
 
                         
                                     TWEEK
                          Aaaarh!

                                     VOICEOVER
                         It's time to stop large corporations. 
                         Prop. 10 is about children. Vote Yes 
                         on Prop. 10, or else, you hate children. 
                         You don't hate... children... Do you? 
                         Remember, keep American business small, 
                         or else. 
 
               
               [the kids' heads combust and only their skulls are left in flames, 
               with charred caps.] 
 
               Paid for by Citizens for a Fair and Equal way to get Harbucks 
               Coffee kicked out of town forever. 
 
               [the TV clicks off, and evryone is in the studio]

               
                                     LADY MEMBER
                         Well, what do you think?

                                     MR. TWEEK
                         Wow, it it's great!

                                     LADY MEMBER
                          Yes it is. We'll put it on the air 
                         immediately.
 
                                     MR. TWEEK
                         What do you think, hon?  Hon? What's 
                         the matter? 
 
                                     MRS. TWEEK
                         I have a big problem with this!

                                     MR. TWEEK
                         What do you mean?

                                     MRS. TWEEK
                         We are just using those boys for our 
                         benefit. They have no idea what they're 
                         saying.
 
                                     MR. TWEEK
                         But, kids are great to get people on 
                         our side.
 
                                     MRS. TWEEK
                         You don't just throw a child in a political 
                         commercial to sell your beliefs. I won't 
                         be a part of this anymore. 
 
                                     MR. TWEEK
                         Honey, all's fair in love and war.  
                         And coffee. Hon? Hu- hon?
 
               [Harbucks' grand opening. Protesters arrive]

                                     LADY PROTESTER
                         Take your corporate coffee and go back 
                         to New York City!
 
                                     CROWD
                         YEAH!!

                                     BLONDE PROTESTER
                         It's people like you who are ruining 
                         Main Street, U.S.A.!! 
 
                                     CROWD
                         That's right! Yeah!

                                     LADY PROTESTER
                         How many Native Americans did you slaughter 
                         to make that coffee, huh?!
 
                                     CROWD
                          YEAH!!

                                     POSTEM
                          Damn, these people aren't buying any 
                         coffee! I'll have to try and appeal 
                         to the younger crowd!
 
               [Later. The crowd now marches in front of Harbucks. To the right, 
               Harbucks' mascot, wearing a fez, holds a tray of coffee cups 
               topped with whipped cream before a boy]
 
                                     POSTEM
                          Hey, kids. I'm Camel Joe and I love 
                         a fresh cup of coffee. It's yum diddly-icious. 
                         And it makes you feel super!  I have 
                         a surprise for you: the new kiddicino 
                         from Harbucks. More sugar and all the 
                         other goodies kids like with all the 
                         caffeine of a normal double latte. 
 
                         
                                     KID'S MOM
                          No Billy. No coffee for you.  You should 
                         be ashamed of yourself, using cartoons 
                         to push caffeine on children!
 
                                     POSTEM
                          Why don't you go back to the hole you 
                         crawled out from, lady?!
 
                                     MR. TWEEK
                          Uh, Mr. Postem, I'm afraid you've got 
                         a lot to learn about making coffee.
 
                         
                                     POSTEM
                         Oh, and you don't? Your coffee tastes 
                         like three-day-old moldy diarrhea!
 
                         
                                     MR. TWEEK
                         Uh I'm sorry to inform you that this 
                         town is having a vote tomorrow, and 
                         if the law passes, you're gonna be thrown 
                         out of town.
 
                                     POSTEM
                         What?!

                                     MR. TWEEK
                         At five o'clock, the best coffee wins. 
                         Either your coffee, or a fresh, warm 
                         cup of... Tweek's coffee.  Like an old 
                         sweater that keeps getting warmer with 
                         age, you can count on Tweek's coffee 
                         to start your day. 
 
                                     MAYOR
                          Tomorrow, for the Prop. 10 vote, we'll 
                         set up ballot booths ...here.  All right, 
                         men, we'll throw up the stage here. 
                         Before the vote we'll get a band everyone 
                         likes, like uuuuhh, like...
 
                                     JOHNSON
                         Toto.

                                     MAYOR
                         Like Toto. And then the Harbuck's guy 
                         will have five minutes to speak and 
                         the boys will have five minutes to speak, 
                         and then the town votes.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Uh, boys, you better get your asses 
                         to work.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What now?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         They're expecting you to give a big 
                         speech on corporate takeovers, and this 
                         time it has to last five minutes.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Oh, God, when is this gonna end?

                                     STAN
                         Your dad really screwed us, Tweek!
 
                         
                                     TWEEK
                         Jesus, dude! I'm to blame for all this! 
                         I'm to blame for everything!
 
               [Tweek's house that night, Tweek's room. Tweek is on the floor 
               and the others are on his bed]
 
                                     KYLE
                         So what are we gonna say?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Why can't we just read the paper we 
                         wrote last time?
 
                                     STAN
                         'Cause then they'll know we didn't write 
                         it, dummy! We have to be original!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Does anybody know anything about corporations? 
                         
 
               
               [the gnomes return, and Tweek gasps. The door opens and the gnomes 
               enter, singing their theme]
 
               "Time to go to work, work all night

               Search for underpants, hey!"

               
                                     TWEEK
                          Waah!

                                     CARTMAN
                          I think my mom is a corporation.

                                     STAN
                          Yeah, that makes sense.

                                     TWEEK
                         You guys! Sshhhh! 

                                     KYLE
                         Well, how about we just say, "corporates 
                         should be stopped"?
 
               
               "work all night

               Search for underpants, hey!"

                                     STAN
                         How do we stretch that into five minutes?
 
                         
                                     TWEEK
                         They're taking my underpants!

               "We won't stop until we have underpants

               Yum tum yummy tum day!"

                                     KYLE
                          Will you stop with the underpants gnomes, 
                         Tweek?! We have to here! 
 
                                     TWEEK
                          Aaaaaa! 

               "work all night

               Search for underpants, hey!"

               [They open the bottom drawer and go for the underpants]

                                     STAN
                         What the hell? 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Well, I'll be damned.

                                     TWEEK
                          That's my last pair of underpants!
 
                         
               ["Time to go to work, work all night

               Search for underpants, hey!" The gnomes go for the door, and 
               the boys hop off the bed to follow. One gnome stops and faces 
               the boys]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Sshh, don't scare him.

                                     STAN
                         Hey there, little guy.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Bad! 

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                         What?!

                                     KYLE
                         Why do you always have to hit stuff 
                         with a stick?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, look at him. He's all, you know, 
                         uh luh look at him. 
 
                                     GNOME
                         Is that all you've got, pussy?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         What?! 

                                     STAN
                         Hey, he talks!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, he called me a pussy! I'm not 
                         a pussy, you're a pussy!
 
                                     GNOME
                         You're a pussy, pussy!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ey!

                                     STAN
                         Dude, why are you taking Tweek's underpants?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, look what you're doing to this 
                         poor kid.
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Waaaah.

                                     GNOME
                         Stealing underpants biiig business.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Business? Wait, do you know anything 
                         about business?
 
                                     GNOME
                         Sure, that's what gnomes do.

                                     KYLE
                         Show us.

                                     GNOME
                         O-kay. Follow me. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Little pussy gnome. Don't call me a 
                         pussy, pussy gnome.
 
               [The woods. The gnome leads them on to his cave]

                                     GNOME
                         Not much longer now.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, are you gonna take us to your little 
                         pussy house?
 
                                     GNOME
                         No, pussy, I'm taking you to my village.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, your pussy village?

                                     STAN
                         Cartman, will you just shut up and let 
                         him show us?!
 
                                     GNOME
                          Follow me.

                                     CARTMAN
                          I hope we're not wasting our time with 
                         this little pecker.
 
               [Starbucks, early morn. Workers put on the finishing touches 
               to the coffee store]
 
                                     POSTEM
                         William, it looks like Harbucks will 
                         never make it in this town.  All right, 
                         boys, that's it. Pack it up, we're movin' 
                         out of town.
 
                                     WORKER 1
                         Aw, but we just finished.

                                     POSTEM
                         I know, but these folks obviously don't 
                         want us here.
 
                                     WORKER 2
                         But what will become of us?

                                     POSTEM
                         Oh, quit being so melodramatic, Sanchez. 
                         Jesus Christ.
 
               [underground. The boys are still following the gnome]

                                     STAN
                         Damn, dude, this place is huge! 

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. It's almost as big as Cartman's 
                         ass.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          No it isn't, you guys!

                                     GNOME
                         This is where all our work is done.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         So what are you gonna do with all these 
                         underpants that you steal?
 
                                     GNOME
                         Collecting underpants is just phase 
                         1. Phase 1: collect underpants.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Sooo, what's phase 2?

                                     GNOME
                          Hey, what's phase 2?

                                     GNOME 2
                         Phase 1: we collect underpants.

                                     GNOME
                         Yeah yeah yeah, but. What about phase 
                         2?
 
                                     GNOME 2
                          Well, phase 3 is profit. Get it?

                                     STAN
                         I don't get it.

                                     GNOME 2
                          You see,

                                     PHASE 1
                         collect underpants. Phase 2: ... Phase 
                         3: Profit.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, I get it.

                                     STAN
                         No you don't, fatass!

                                     KYLE
                         Do you guys know anything about corporations?
 
                         
                                     GNOME
                         You bet we do!

                                     GNOME 2
                         Us gnomes are geniuses at corporations.
 
                         
                                     GNOMES
                         

               Time to go to work, work all night

               Se-

                                     CENTER GNOME
                          Jesus Christ, look out! 

                                     STAN
                         Oh my God, they killed Kenny.

                                     KYLE
                         You bastards. Listen, we have to give 
                         a huge speech tomorrow about corporate 
                         takeovers.
 
                                     GNOME
                         Holy shit! We've killed your friend.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeahyeahyeah. Look. We've gotta know 
                         about corporate takeovers tomorrow or 
                         we're screwed.
 
                                     GNOME 2
                         Christ, we squished him like a bug.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Do you know anything about corporate 
                         takeovers?
 
                                     GNOME
                         Well, we can explain that to you easily.
 
                         
                                     GNOME 2
                         Yes, for a price.

                                     KYLE
                         What?

                                     GNOME
                         You know.

                                     STAN
                         Underpants?

                                     GNOMES
                         Underpants!

               [Harbucks, daytime. Prop. 10 supporters are out in force and 
               Toto is performing.]
 
                                     LADY MEMBER
                          Toto, ladies and gentlemen! 

                                     PROP. 10 SUPPORTER
                         Yeah, Toto, woo, Toto! Woo!

                                     LADY MEMBER
                         All right. And now, before we all vote 
                         yes on Prop. 10, here to remind us why 
                         are the lovable, innocent children.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Uh. Since we are so concerned with the 
                         corporate takeovers, we went and asked 
                         our friends, the underpants gnomes, 
                         and they told us all about big corporations.
 
                         
                                     SUPPORTER
                         Underpants gnomes?

                                     KYLE
                         Big corporations are good!

                                     SUPPORTER
                         What?

                                     SUPPORTER 2
                         What's this?

                                     SUPPORTER 3
                         Good? 

                                     KYLE
                         Because without big corporations we 
                         wouldn't have things like cars and computers 
                         and canned soup.
 
                                     STAN
                         Even Harbucks Coffee started off as 
                         a small, little business. But because 
                         it made such great coffee, and because 
                         they ran their business so well, they 
                         managed to grow and grow until it became 
                         the corporate powerhouse it is today. 
                         And that is why we should all let Harbucks 
                         stay! 
 
                                     TOWNSMAN
                         :	Ogh.

                                     LADY MEMBER
                         That's not what you said last time!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Uuuh. Well, the truth is, we didn't 
                         write that paper last time. 
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         You little turds!! You've ruined my 
                         life for the last time!! 
 
                                     MRS. TWEEK
                         These boys are absolutely right. We've 
                         been using these poor kids to pull at 
                         your heartstrings for our cause, and 
                         it's wrong. We're as low and despicable 
                         as Rob Reiner. You keep protesting and 
                         complaining, but did any of you ever 
                         even bother to taste Harbucks coffee? 
                          Harbucks coffee got to where it is 
                         by being the best. Don't you think you 
                         should at least try it? 
 
                                     TOWNSMAN
                         Hey, this is pretty damn good.

                                     TOWNSMAN 2
                         Yeah, it doesn't have that bland, raw, 
                         sewage taste that Tweek's coffee has.
 
                         
                                     MR. TWEEK
                          Hey. Hey, that is good.

                                     POSTEM
                         It's a French roast.

                                     MR. TWEEK
                         It's subtle and mild. Mild, like that 
                         first splash of sun on an April morning. 
                         This coffee is coffee the way it should 
                         be.
 
                                     POSTEM
                         Hehey, no hard feelings, Tweek. You 
                         know, we still need someone to run this 
                         Harbucks coffeehouse. I'm sure it will 
                         make a lo-o-ot of money.
 
                                     MR. TWEEK
                         Thank you, Mr. Postem, but I think we'll 
                         be happy with the money we make selling 
                         our son into slavery.
 
                                     TWEEK
                         AAaAaha!

                                     MR. TWEEK
                         Just kidding, son. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         I love you guys. 

                       
                         THE END



Gnomes



Writers :   Pam Brady  Trey Parker  Matt Stone
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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