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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                     Episode 801


                              "GOOD TIMES WITH WEAPONS"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [Park County Fair, day. South Park is more spread out these days. 
               Looking like a small city now. People mill around. The boys walk 
               along a fairway. Cartman pulls out a small firecracker and tosses 
               it on the ground before Kyle and cackles softly]
 
                                     KYLE
                          Stop it, Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Pfaha, so funny. 

                                     KYLE
                          Goddamnit Cartman, stope throwin' those 
                         stupid popping things at me! 
 
                                     ROGER
                         Come on and take a look, folks. We've 
                         got a lot of knives for sale here. 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Oh my God, look!  Martial arts weapons 
                         from the Far East. 
 
                                     KYLE
                          Wow, cool.

                                     STAN
                         Dude! We should each buy a weapon, and 
                         then we'll be like ninjas.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah. We won't have to take crap from 
                         anybody.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Our parents won't let us have weapons, 
                         dude. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Who's gonna tell them, dumbass?!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, dude, our parents are gonna be 
                         at the stupid fair all day long. They'll 
                         never know what we bought.  I'll get 
                         the tonfas.  Those are so sweet.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm gonna get those killer sai.  Look 
                         Kenny! There's something even you can 
                         afford! A ninja shuriken  for a dollar 
                         ninety nine.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Shuriken. Awesome!)

                                     ROGER
                          Can I help you boys? 

                                     STAN
                         Yeah. We wanna get one of each of these 
                         ninja weapons.
 
                                     ROGER
                         Okay, uh, you need to have your parents 
                         here when you buy them, though. I, I 
                         can't sell to anyone under eighteen 
                         without parents' permission. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Parents? Parents??  Oh God! 

                                     ROGER
                         Uh wha, what's the matter? 

                                     STAN
                         We, we're brothers, see, and our parents... 
                         died in a car accident last year.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Why?!  Why?! Why did you have to take 
                         them both?! Why!  Why?! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Why do people have to keep reminding 
                         us of what we don't have??
 
                                     ROGER
                          It's all right, it's all right boys. 
                         Don't cry, I'll... I'll just... go pack 
                         these up for you, okay? 
 
                                     STAN
                         Goddamn, that's like the twelfth time 
                         that's worked.
 
               [Cartman's house, moments later. The boys are in his basement 
               mastering their new weapons. Each boy gets the weapon he wanted. 
               Kyle gets the yellow-ended nunchakus]
 
                                     STAN
                          Kiya! Kiya!

                                     KYLE
                         Kaii yo! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Giya! Shut up, hippies! I'll kill you! 
                          Iya!
 
                                     STAN
                          With my tonfa of Takanawa, I become 
                         the great and powerful ninja Sharohachi, 
                         born to fight evil and people I don't 
                         like.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. And my powerful nunchakus make 
                         me into Bounaku , a deadly but compassionate 
                         ninja who protects those in trouble.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         What's your ninja name, Kenny?

                                     KENNY
                          (unintelligible)

                                     CARTMAN
                          Yes. And I... am Bulrog. Tough brute 
                         ninja who has dedicated his life to 
                         eradicating the world of hippies
 
                                     STAN
                         All right, ninjas! Let's go protect 
                         the world!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Kick ass! 

               [Outside, the neighborhood. The boys walk out onto a new, more-detailed 
               landscape]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey you guys, you know what we should 
                         do? We should go show our weapons to 
                         Craig and those guys. They'll be so 
                         jealous.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Hey yeah, that'd be awesome!)

                                     KYLE
                          No dude, we can't go around showing 
                         our weapons to people. Our parents'll 
                         find out we have them.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ech! You see, guys? This is why Jews 
                         can't be ninjas! They've got no spine!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          You don't know anything about Jews, 
                         fatass!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh yeah?! My mom took me to see Mel 
                         Gibson's movie, The Passion, and Mel 
                         Gibson says you are a sloth and you 
                         are a liar. And if the Road Warrior 
                         says it, it must be true.
 
                                     STAN
                         Don't worry, Kyle. Craig's not gonna 
                         tell on us. Come, ninjas, let's go. 
                          All right, this is it.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes. The residence of the one called... 
                         Craig. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         I still say this is a bad idea.

               [Craig's house. Stan pounds on the door]

                                     STAN
                         Ninja positions!  Hello, Craig!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Look what we got.

                                     CRAIG
                         Where'd you get those?

                                     STAN
                         We can't tell you where we got 'em! 
                         It's secret ninja stuff.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oooh, is that jealousy I see in your 
                         eyes, Craig? Mmm, yes, drown me in the 
                         sweet water of your envy.
 
                                     CRAIG
                         Uh, uh, they're not that cool.

                                     STAN
                         Hyeah, "they're not that cool." These 
                         are real authentic weapons from the 
                         Far East.
 
                                     KYLE
                         But don't tell anybody we have them.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ugh.

                                     TOKEN
                          Whoa! Where'd you get those??

                                     CLYDE
                         Let me see.

                                     STAN
                         Uh, we'd love to hang out guys, but 
                         we have important secret work to do. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes. The life of a ninja is complex 
                         and full of peril.  Come on, ninjas!
 
                         
                                     ALL
                         Ho! 

               [On the road]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ho man, did you see the look on Craig's 
                         face?! That was awesome!
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, we're like the coolest kids in 
                         the whole state! 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Huhey fellas. What's happenin'?

                                     CARTMAN
                         We're playing Ninjas, Butters.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Wowee! Hey, can I play, uhninjas with 
                         you?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No, Butters. We are a very select elite 
                         fighting team sent to protect the world 
                         from evil, and you can't play with us.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, Butters. You wouldn't make a very 
                         good ninja. Come on, guys.  We have 
                         a lot of work to do.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes, and no time to do it. No time... 
                         
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         I think I'd make a really good ninja. 
                          Jeez, those guys never let me play 
                         with them. Uh they just shun me all 
                         the time. 
 
               [Butter's house. He walks past behind the couch, where his mom 
               reads a book unaware of the emotion in his voice]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         I'm a lost soul. A dark lonely shadow 
                         of a person-
 
                                     LINDA
                         Hi Butters.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Hi Mom.  -a castaway, forced to live 
                         his life out in solitude.  And it's 
                         because of times like these I was forced 
                         to a life of evil.  Society cast me 
                         out, and so I vowed to make them all 
                         pay! And pay they did! Nobody knows 
                         that beneath this sweet eight-year-old 
                         little boy lies the most evil, the most 
                         destructive supervillain of all time! 
                          Professor Chaos!  Let's see how you 
                         like dealing with me, ninjas! 
 
                                     LINDA
                         Oooh, Butters, are you going out to 
                         play again?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Yeah Mom, I'm jus' goin' outside for 
                         a little while.
 
                                     LINDA
                         Well, could you be a sweetie and take 
                         that pie over there to the Thomsons. 
                         I made it to thank them for babysitting 
                         you last week.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well, okay-okay Mom.  Bah! Gah! 

               [On the road. The boys are shown in their anime forms]

                                     STAN
                         Hm, this doesn't seem to be the right 
                         way. My ninja sense is telling me we 
                         might be heading in the wrong direction.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Okay, hang on guys. I'll use my special 
                         power to see into the future and find 
                         out where we should head next.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hold on you guys. I actually have another 
                         power. I can see into the future too, 
                         but better than Kyle. Let me try it.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Goddamnit, Cartman! You can't keep making 
                         up new powers!
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah dude, that's like the fifth power 
                         you've come up with!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I am Bulrog and I have lots and lots 
                         of powers.
 
                                     KYLE
                         No asshole! From now on you only get 
                         to have ONE power! So what is it?!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I have the power to have all the powers 
                         I want.
 
                                     KYLE
                         That doesn't count, fatass!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, that it, Cartman! You don't get 
                         to have any powers!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          C'mon!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Haaa hahahaha!  Well well well! If it 
                         isn't the four ninjas!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Who the hell is that??

                                     STAN
                         I dunno. Craig, is that you?

                                     BUTTERS
                          Fools!  I am Professor Chaos! Bringer 
                         of Destruction and Doom!  Your feeble 
                         ninja powers are no match for me!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Whoa.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Looks like we have a sworn enemy, you 
                         guys.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah.)

                                     STAN
                          Very well, Professor Chaos! We'll play 
                         along. Now, fell the fiery sting of 
                         my tonfa Takanawa!  Hey kid, that knocks 
                         you down.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Nuh uh!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah huh, I got you!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Nuh uh! Because my cloak is made of 
                         a ...titanium alloy that shields me 
                         from heat!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         That's bullcrap! Titanium alloy my ass!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Well, let's see how he likes the icy 
                         blasts from my nunchakus Sokuromoto! 
                         
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Huh nice attempt, ninja! But now both 
                         of you shall feel the power of my Web 
                         of Holding!  Hahahahaha! You are both 
                         trapped in spiderwebs! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         All right, dickhole! Time for you to 
                         pay!  Oh no! I have no powers! Kyle 
                         took them away from me! Quick, Kyle, 
                         give me back my powers so I can fight 
                         this evil villain!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Okay, okay, you can have your powers 
                         back.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         All right! And now I will use my power 
                         to...  turn Kyle into a chicken! Bleh! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Goddamnit Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hahahahahaaa ha! Now you are a chicken! 
                         Nyanyanyanyanyaaa nya!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Enough! Uh I grow weary of your foolishness. 
                         Professor Chaos cannot be stopped!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Oh yeah?! Kenny! Use your ninja star!
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah! Take this, Professor Chaos!) 
                          (Feel my wrath!) 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, fuck dude!

                                     STAN
                          It's Butters. Oh my God!  Oh, dude! 
                         It's stuck in his eye!
 
                                     KYLE
                         What the hell did you do that for, Kenny?!
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (I just threw it like Stan asked me.)
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         It hurts! It hurts! 

                                     KYLE
                         Oh man! We are in serious trouble!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Ssh sshhhh. It's okay, Butters. Calm 
                         down. It's not that bad, really.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          But I... But I... But I can't see nothin'. 
                         I gotta go to the hospitalll!! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Okay okay, calm down, Butters! It'll 
                         be okay! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Guys, meeting over here for a second? 
                          All right you guys, we need to stay 
                         calm and just do the right thing. We 
                         have to kill Butters and bury him in 
                         Kyle's backyard.
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, shut up!

                                     KYLE
                         I agree with Cartman!

                                     STAN
                         What??

                                     KYLE
                         You don't understand what my mom will 
                         do to me if she finds out I was playing 
                         with weapons!
 
               [a closeup of the shuriken lodged in Butters' left eye, moments 
               later. Some pliers clamp on to it and the camera pulls back. 
               Stan is holding the pliers and he tugs gently at the shuriken. 
               Butters sits on a tree stump]
 
                                     STAN
                         Just stay still, Butters.

                                     BUTTERS
                          Hwa.  Hwa!  Hwaaaaa!

                                     KYLE
                         Stop dude! You're gonna scramble his 
                         brain!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Go ahead and scramble it, then he won't 
                         remember it was us.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         You guys can't fix my eyeball! You have 
                         to take me to the hospital! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         If we take him to the hospital, they're 
                         gonna find out what happened.
 
                                     STAN
                         God-damnit!

                                     KYLE
                          God? Please, if you get me out of this, 
                         I swear, I will never play with weapons 
                         ever again.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Don't be so quick to throw off your 
                         ninja responsibility, Kyle.  Now, come 
                         on guys, sure, it's easy to be a ninja 
                         when everything's going your way, but 
                         it's times like these, when the chips 
                         are down, that a ninja shows his true 
                         character.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Whoa, I'm getting woozy.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Shut up, Butters.  Now, there's a way 
                         out of this. We just have to use our... 
                         ninja reasoning. 
 
                                     STAN
                         We... need a doctor... But we can't 
                         go to the hospital. Wait a minute. Wait, 
                         wait, wait what about the veterinarian?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Dr. Shafley?

                                     STAN
                         He's really old and and goin blind.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         So if we make Butters up to look like 
                         a dog,...
 
                                     KYLE
                         Ohh no.

                                     STAN
                         We might pass him off as our pet.

                                     BUTTERS
                          Ohoo but, but fellas, if I, if I dress 
                         up like a dog with a star in my eye, 
                         I I'm gonna get grounded.
 
                                     STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN
                         Shut up, Butters!

                                     KYLE
                         That is the dumbest idea you guys have 
                         ever come up with! I'd expect this stupidity 
                         out of Cartman, but you, Stan?? Butters 
                         needs medical attention right now!!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         All right, then you take him to the 
                         hospital, Kyle. You take him to the 
                         hospital and let your mom find out what 
                         happened.
 
               [Moments later. Butters is made up to look like a dog. He sobs 
               in resignation. Kyle holds a bottle of glue.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I need the modeling glue. We need more 
                         fur over here. 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Uh that modeling glue is making me 
                         dizzy.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Butters! We're trying to help you, Goddamnit! 
                         Now, stop being such an asshole!
 
                                     KYLE
                         We need some more fur.  I think that's 
                         good.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, let's hear your bark, Butters.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh. Wuff, wu-wuff.

                                     STAN
                         All right. Now we just gotta sneak him 
                         into town.
 
               [South Park, in what looks like Skid Row. Stan appears and walks 
               into a clearing]
 
                                     STAN
                          Okay, it's clear. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Now remember, Butters, when you get 
                         to the vet's office, you need to stay 
                         down on all fours and- Butters, listen!! 
                         At the vet's office, you need to stay 
                         down on all fours and bark a lot.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                          Wuhuff, woof, woof.

                                     KYLE
                         We've gotta hurry, it's getting late! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh shit, somebody's coming!

                                     KYLE
                         Quick, hide Butters! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         In here! 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh buh, but fellas, I gotta- 

                                     CRAIG
                         Aha!  There you are! You guys thought 
                         you were sooo cool, didn't you?! Well 
                         look at what we got! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No way, you got weapons too??

                                     STAN
                         Where'd you get those?

                                     JIMMY
                         From the n-n-, from the nn-, from the 
                         nn-
 
                                     CLYDE
                         From the nice guy at the county fair.
 
                         
                                     CRAIG
                         At first we needed our parents' permission, 
                         but then we told him our parents were 
                         dead.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Aw man, now every douchebag in town 
                         has a weapon! Lame!
 
                                     CRAIG
                         So,  how would you ninjas like to do 
                         battle?
 
                                     STAN
                         Uh not now, Craig, we we have to be 
                         going.
 
                                     CRAIG
                         You can't pass through this area until 
                         you defend your honor! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         He said, not now, Craig!

                                     CRAIG
                         I am not Craig,  I am Ginza,  with the 
                         powerful blade of the kitana. Iya!
 
                         
                                     TOKEN
                         And I am Black Taku,  with the power 
                         of perfect spelling!
 
                                     STAN
                         Guys, we're we're really not playing, 
                         okay? 
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Wha, what, what's the m-matter, f-fellas? 
                         Are you ... nnnninjas or p-p-p-pussies?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          We're twice the ninjas you fags are!
 
                         
                                     CLYDE
                         Then fight us!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Very well, Clyde. Kiyaaaa!!!

                                     KYLE
                         I swore to never fight again.

                                     STAN
                         We don't have a choice, Kyle. Just humor 
                         them. 
 
                                     SINGER
                         Subarashii chinchin mono

               Kintama no kame aru

               Sore no oto ha "saru bobo"

               Iie! Ninja ga imasu

               
               Hey hey let's go kenka suru

               Taisetsu no mono protect my balls!

               Boku ga warui so let's fighting...

               Let's fighting love!

               Let's fighting love!

               
               Kono uta chotto baka

               Wake ga wakaranai

               Eigo ga mechakucha

               Daijobu? We do it all the time!

               
               Hey hey let's go kenka suru...

                                     STAN
                         Hey wait wait WAIT wait!  Wait.  Hold 
                         on a second. Where's Butters? 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh no. Butters!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Butters!

                                     STAN
                          Oh, nice going, you assholes! You made 
                         us lose him!
 
                                     CRAIG
                         Lose who?

                                     KYLE
                          Butters! He got a ninja star stuck 
                         in his eye, and we were taking him to 
                         the vet when you fucked it all up! Butters!
 
                         
                                     CRAIG
                         Stuck in his eye? Was he bleeding?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ye-yeah, a little- Butters! Get back 
                         here right now!
 
                                     CRAIG
                         Oh shit, you guys are in trouble. We're 
                         outta here!
 
                                     STAN
                         No dude, you gotta help us find him!
 
                         
                                     CRAIG
                         The hell with that!

                                     CARTMAN
                         We're in this together, Craig! If Butters 
                         tells on us, we're gonna tell on you, 
                         and that's the ninja code!
 
               [The road, sunset. Butters walks along the side still sobbing, 
               looking for help]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hello? Anybody-eh.  Woof. Woof. Woofwoof. 
                          Eh. Woof, eh. Woof. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Butters!

                                     KYLE
                         Butters!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Here, Butters!

                                     KENNY
                         (Butters!)

                                     CRAIG
                         Butters!

                                     CLYDE
                         Butters!

                                     TOKEN
                         Butters!

                                     JIMMY
                         Bu bu bubu bu bu bubu Butters!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Butter-Butters!

                                     KYLE
                         Hey Butters!

                                     STAN
                         Butters!

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, look! 

                                     CHEF
                         Hello there, children!

                                     THE BOYS
                         Hey, Chef.

                                     CHEF
                         How's it goin'?

                                     STAN
                         Bad.

                                     CHEF
                         Why bad?

                                     KYLE
                         Uuuh, Chef, you haven't seen Butters 
                         around, have you?
 
                                     CHEF
                         No, can't say that I have. Hey, what 
                         are you children doin' with those weapons?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Nnothing, just, playing.

                                     CHEF
                         Well, you children should be careful 
                         with those. You could put somebody's 
                         eye out.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, we know.

                                     CHEF
                         Well, I've gotta get to the fairgrounds. 
                         They're about to start the big auction. 
                         So long, children! 
 
               [Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Butters closes in on it, babbling 
               incoherently and stumbling along. He enters the emergency area, 
               moves in a few feet, and falls flat on his back]
 
                                     NURSE
                          Oh my God!  What the-? Doctor? Doctor??
 
                         
                                     DR. DOCTOR
                          Jesus Christ.  What kind of sick bastard 
                         would do this to a dog? Poor little 
                         pup.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Woofwoof.

                                     NURSE
                         Can you help him, Doctor?

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         I'm afraid I wouldn't know how. Unfortunately 
                         for this little fella, I'm a people 
                         doctor. Best we call the animal shelter.
 
                         
                                     NURSE
                          Right away.

                                     ANNOUNCER
                          In our last episode the four ninjas 
                         did battle with Professor Chaos, bringer 
                         of destruction and doom. It was during 
                         that great battle that ninja master 
                         Kenny threw his star into Professor 
                         Chaos' eye. Now the ninjas were in serious 
                         trouble, because their parents might 
                         find out they had weapons if Professor 
                         Chaos told on them. While trying to 
                         get Professor Chaos some aid at the 
                         veterinarian's office, the four ninjas 
                         ran into Craig and his three friends. 
                         They challenged the four ninjas to fight, 
                         and the legendary battle of Tokutawa 
                         began. It was during this battle that 
                         Professor Chaos escaped , and so the 
                         four ninjas were forced to join forces 
                         with Craig and his friends to find Professor 
                         Chaos, or else they would all be grounded.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Butters!

                                     KYLE
                         Butters!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Here, Butters!

                                     KENNY
                         (Butters!)

                                     CRAIG
                         Butters!

                                     CLYDE
                         Butters!

                                     TOKEN
                         Butters!

                                     CRAIG
                         Butters! Where the hell are you?!

                                     KYLE
                         It's hopeless, dude! Butters must have 
                         made it to the hospital. By now our 
                         parents probably know we were playing 
                         with weapons! We have to get rid of 
                         the evidence! 
 
                                     STAN
                         What?

                                     KYLE
                          Dude, we have to get rid of our weapons 
                         so at least we can try to deny everything.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Screw that, dude, I paid twenty bucks 
                         for these things!
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, let's just go return them and 
                         get our money back.
 
                                     KYLE
                         We don't have time for that, dude! We 
                         just have to ditch them! Now!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay. Go ahead, Kyle. Throw your nunchakus 
                         away. If you can. But you know well 
                         that your Jewish blood won't let you. 
                         You can't throw away something you paid 
                         fifteen bucks for. Go ahead and try.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Screw you, fatass! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Mel Gibson was right, Kyle. Right now 
                         the Jew in you is screamig "NO! Those 
                         cost money! Get your money back!" You 
                         know this to be true.  Go ahead. Prove 
                         Mel Gibson wrong, Kyle.  Do it! 
 
                                     KYLE
                          I, I can't do it. ... I can't do it. 
                         I...
 
                                     STAN
                         It's all right, Kyle. We'll go back 
                         to the fair and return them.
 
               [South Park Animal Shelter, day. Dogs and cats are heard. Inside, 
               an elderly veterinarian pulls something along on a leash]
 
                                     VET
                         Come on. Come on, little fella. Atta 
                         boy. 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Woof woof. 

                                     VET
                         Right over here.  Good dog. Come on. 
                          There you go, right in there.  Goooood 
                         dog. 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Gaaaah!

                                     ASSISTANT
                         Somebody threw a ninja star in that 
                         poor puppy's eye?
 
                                     VET
                         It just makes me sick how some people 
                         can treat animals.  Well, nothing we 
                         can do for it; let's put it to sleep, 
                         shall we?  Here you go, pup. I've got 
                         a sweet dose of murder for you.  What 
                         the? Blasted! He's escaped! ... Oh well, 
                         let's murder one of these other dogs.
 
                         
               [The county fair, anime form, sunset]

                                     STAN
                         All right, the county fair's still open! 
                         
 
                                     ROGER
                         Can I help you boys?

                                     STAN
                         We have come to return the weapons we 
                         purchased.
 
                                     ROGER
                         Uh, sorry kids, ah I don't give refunds.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Listen, doucher! Our parents are gonna 
                         kill us, and you, if they found out 
                         that we bought these!
 
                                     ROGER
                         I thought you told me your parents were 
                         dead.
 
                                     CRAIG
                          You guys!  You guys!

                                     STAN
                         What is it, Craig?

                                     CRAIG
                         It's Butters! We saw 'im!

                                     KYLE
                         Where?!

                                     CRAIG
                         Right on the other side of the fairgrounds. 
                         He's just wandering around aimlessly.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Then it's NOT too late!

                                     STAN
                         Come on, Ninjas! 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          All right, folks, our next item up 
                         for bids is this lovely 19th Century 
                         lamp/
 
                                     STAN
                         Aw dude, crap. All our parents are there.
 
                         
                                     CRAIG
                         Butters is right on the other side.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         We have to get past them!

                                     CARTMAN
                         All right. Looks like I have to use 
                         my power of invisibility to get by.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         You have that power too?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I told you, Bulrog has lots and lots 
                         of powers. Behold.  This way, I can 
                         move about the crowd of people undetected. 
                          Here, hold this stuff for me.
 
                                     STAN
                          Good luck, Bulrog. 

                                     A BARKER
                         Now, this lamp comes from the estate 
                         of Edna and James Hollinger, who lived 
                         in upstate Wyoming.  It has a bronze 
                         finish and actual gold leaf along the 
                         base. Uh this is a rare opportunity 
                         to own a classic antique.  The lamp 
                         has been appraised by our auction staff 
                         at well over two thousand dollars.  
                         So we're gonna start the bidding at 
                         three hundre seventy five. Do I, do 
                         I hear three hundred and seventy five? 
                          Kid, what the hell do you think you're 
                         doin'? 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Haba, hava! Havahoaha! 

                                     LINDA
                          Butters! 

                                     RANDY
                         What happened to him?

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh my God!

                                     STAN
                         Ohhh Jesus.

                                     KYLE
                         Oh dude, we are gonna get it now.

               [Park County Community Center, Emergency Town Meeting, day. The 
               chatter among the adults present is heated]
 
                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         All right, people, we are all extremely 
                         upset over what's happened.  But let's 
                         try to speak one at a time.
 
                                     MAN 1
                         Well, like the rest of you, I am shocked 
                         and appalled at what happened! I don't 
                         know if the parents are to blame or 
                         if it's the times we're living in, but 
                         something has to change!
 
                                     TOWNSFOLK
                          Yeah! I agree!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         This is the worst thing that's happened 
                         in this town!  The worst thing!
 
                                     MAN 2
                         Yeah! I mean, there were children watching 
                         that auction! And when that little eight-year-old 
                         boy walked up and flashed his... penis... 
                         it was an outrage! 
 
                                     STAN
                         What?

                                     CARTMAN
                         What?

                                     SKEETER
                         Not only that, the auction was televised 
                         on public access, so my little daughter 
                         watchin' at home saw the -penis! How 
                         am I suppsoed to explain that to her?!
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         This is what happens when the moral 
                         fabric of society breaks down! 
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          You see the damage you've caused, Eric 
                         Cartman?! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I told you it was a wardrobe malfunction! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, they don't care we knocked Butters' 
                         eye out with weapons?
 
                                     STAN
                         Just run with it, dude.

                                     KYLE
                          Uh, yeah! I agree! Uh my fragile little 
                         eight-year-old mind didn't know how 
                         to deal with what I was seeing. C-Cartman 
                         should be punished!
 
                                     MAN
                         Yeah! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, fuck you, Kyle!

               [Park County Community Center, outside. The doors open and Stan, 
               Kyle, and Kenny exit onto the parking lot]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Heck, I c- I can't believe it.

                                     STAN
                         Hyeah. I guess parents don't give a 
                         crap about violence if there's sex things 
                         to worry about.
 
                                     KYLE
                          So I guess this means we get to keep 
                         our weapons.
 
                                     STAN
                          Yeah. Come on, ninjas.  We've got some 
                         more work to do.
 
                                     THE BOYS
                          Hya!

               THE END

Good Times With Weapons



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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