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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 414


                                 "GREAT EXPECTATIONS"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [The camera pans across a nicely appointed study, rests a bit, 
               and "SOUTH PARK classics" appears on screen as a classical piece 
               plays]
 
                                     A BRITISH PERSON
                          Aaah.  Dickens. The imagery of cobblestone 
                         streets, cragging London buildings, 
                         and nutmeg-filled Yorkshire puddings. 
                          Hello, I'm a British person. For years 
                         now, the character Pip has been featured 
                         prominently in the American show, South 
                         Park. However, many Americans don't 
                         realize where Pip came from. He's the 
                         prowling little adorable Englishman 
                         from Charles Dickens' timeless classic, 
                         "Great Expectations"  And so tonight, 
                         the makers of South Park have agreed 
                         to take a break from their regular show, 
                         and instead present the prestigious 
                         Dickens tale in its entirety from beginning 
                         to end. Indeed, after watching this 
                         show, you'll know the timeless classic 
                         as if you'd... read the Cliff Notes themselves. 
                         Our story is set in England, in the 
                         small town of Drop-A-Chair-Upon-Top-Snot, 
                          where a young blond-haired boy named 
                         Pip was on his way to see his parents.
 
                         
               [Drop-A-Chair-Upon-Top-Snot, day. Pip leaves the town, crosses 
               an open field, enters an enclosed lot and stops right in front 
               of the camera]
 
                                     PIP
                          'Ello Mom. 'Ello Dad. It certainly 
                         is nice to see you again.  Don't worry. 
                         Sister is still taking very good care 
                         of me. She just loves to smack me in 
                         the face and tell me I'm worthless. 
                         O, we have such fun together.  But it's 
                         getting dark, Mom and Dad. I'll see 
                         you again soon.  Wa-a-ah!
 
                                     EX-CONVICT
                         Wha' are you doin' 'ere, you little 
                         whippersham!
 
                                     PIP
                          Oh, hello. Why, you look like an escaped 
                         convict. Did we breaky-wakys out of 
                         prison?  Oh dear! But you're shackled. 
                         Here, let me help you. 
 
                                     EX-CONVICT
                         Wha' are you doin' wit' those?

                                     PIP
                         I'm an apprentice blacksmith.  There 
                         you are.  And here's a sandwich. You 
                         must be starving! 
 
                                     EX-CONVICT
                          Here. W-why are you easy to help me?
 
                         
                                     PIP
                         Well, it's not for me to judge you, 
                         sir. We are all the same.  Don't quite 
                         outmart this thing, I'm afraid. 
 
                                     MRS. JOE
                          Pip, where 'ave you been?!

                                     PIP
                         Waaah!  Lovely day, isn't it?

                                     MRS. JOE
                         What the hell's lovely about it?!  Joe, 
                         teach this boy some bloody cynicsim!
 
                         
                                     JOE
                         I don't know about that. I just thought 
                         I'd keep to me blacksmithing.  Ey, look! 
                         I've made me a metal fire poker. 
 
                         
                                     MRS. JOE
                         A lot of bloody good a fire poker's 
                         gonna do while I'm starvin' to death! 
                         Why don't you make us some bloody food 
                         to eat!
 
                                     JOE
                          Alright. Look 'ere, I made me a metal 
                         orange. 
 
                                     MRS. JOE
                         STOP your metal orange, you bastard! 
                         You never want a tablespoon of nigh'ingale 
                         droppin's, you me'al-poundin' fairy! 
                          And you! Why don't you ge' a job?! 
                         You're eight years old now!
 
                                     JOE
                          Oh, lookie heeah!  I've gone and made 
                         a metal newspaper!
 
                                     MRS. JOE
                         Shut up, you silly lip! What are we 
                         supposed to do with a metal newspaper?
 
                         
                                     JOE
                         Well, for starters we can look in the 
                         want ads and see if we can find Pip 
                         a job. Ohhh, lookie here! Young man 
                         wanted for paid position!
 
                                     MRS. JOE
                         Where? 

                                     PIP
                         Where?

                                     MRS. JOE
                         "Havesham residence seeks young boy 
                         to play with lonely daughter. Will pay 
                         up to..." TWENTY QUID A DAY??
 
                                     PIP
                         That's a lot of  money-loney.

                                     JOE
                         You can keep a little girl company for 
                         20 quid a day, Pip. And Old Mrs. Havesham 
                         is the wealthiest woman in the town. 
                         
 
               [The Havesham Residence is shown from the gates, next day.]
 
               
               [The South Park Classics study. The British is seated in an armchair 
               reading a book]
 
                                     A BRITISH PERSON
                         Well, the very next day, Pip went to 
                         Old Ms. Havesham's house to inquire 
                         about the job.  and it was there that 
                         he met the girl of his dreams.
 
               [A girl approached the gate at the Havesham Residence. She's 
               got flowing blonde hair and a bowler for a hat]
 
                                     GIRL
                         Who are you?! 

                                     PIP
                         ...I've come to answer the want ad.

                                     GIRL
                         Is that so, you smelly little bastard?!
 
                         
                                     PIP
                          What??

                                     GIRL
                          This way, you pathetic squirt of vaginal 
                         discharge!  This way, you beef-witted 
                         shriveled-up monkey's penis.  Up here, 
                         you gamy mass of baby vomit!  In here.
 
                         
                                     PIP
                         Eho. After you, miss.

                                     GIRL
                         I'm not going in there, you stupid puddle 
                         of a homeless man urine!
 
               [The Havesham Estate, upstairs. Pip enters a grand dining room 
               in which everything is covered, and has been for a long time. 
               He scans the room until a voice gets his attention.]
 
                                     MS. HAVESHAM
                          Who is that?

                                     PIP
                         I've come to answer the want ad, ma'am.
 
                         
                                     MS. HAVESHAM
                          Come closer. Look at me.  Does it frighten 
                         you to look upon a woman who has not 
                         seen the sun in over 20 years?
 
                                     PIP
                         Oh, no, no! You you sort of look upon 
                         one when you have not seen the sun for 
                         over 20 years quite a lot these... days.
 
                         
                                     MS. HAVESHAM
                         I sometimes have sick fancies.  And 
                         I have a fancy I should like to see 
                         someone play. So, play. Play.
 
                                     PIP
                          Um. 

                                     MS. HAVESHAM
                         Estella, play with this boy.

                                     ESTELLA
                          With HIM?  But he's just a commoner!
 
                         
                                     MS. HAVESHAM
                          But, you can break his heart.

                                     ESTELLA
                         ...Alright, boy, let us play.

                                     PIP
                         Righty-o. What are we going to play?
 
                         
                                     ESTELLA
                          We're going to play a little game called, 
                         "Smack the Blond Boy In the Head With 
                         a Large Log."
 
                                     PIP
                          Oh, yes! My sister and I play that 
                         game at home all the time!  Who will 
                         go first? 
 
                                     ESTELLA
                          Oh, you stupid pathetic boy! 

                                     MS. HAVESHAM
                         What do you think of her?

                                     PIP
                         Well, uh... I think she's very pretty.
 
                         
                                     MS. HAVESHAM
                         Hm-m-m. What else?

                                     PIP
                         I think she's rather insulting.

                                     MS. HAVESHAM
                         Hm, you quite fancy her, don't you? 
                         Come back again next week. We shall 
                         "play" some more. 
 
               [The blacksmith's house, night. Pip returns to his sister's place 
               and gets ready to bed for the night. He falls asleep]
 
                                     A BRITISH PERSON
                          That night, Pip spent all his sleeping 
                         hours unable to get Estella's beautiful 
                         face out of his mind.
 
                                     DREAM ESTELLA
                         Stop dreaming about me, you slow-witted 
                         rectal belch!
 
                                     A BRITISH PERSON
                         Day after day Pip visited Estella. Sometimes 
                         they would play, sometimes they would 
                         talk. But every single day Pip's love 
                         for Estella grew.
 
               [The Havesham Estate, garden, day. Estella is whacking Pip over 
               the head with her log. Twice she does it, then tries a third 
               time, but can't]
 
                                     PIP
                          Don't you wanna play anymore?

                                     ESTELLA
                          Boy, do you still think I'm pretty? 
                         
 
                                     PIP
                         Oho. Well, yes, miss.

                                     ESTELLA
                         And, do you still think I'm insulting?
 
                         
                                     PIP
                         Oh, um, not so much as before.  Ow!
 
                         
                                     ESTELLA
                         I hate you! You're an oozing, painful 
                         hemorrhoid that belches pus!
 
                                     PIP
                          Oh, dear.

                                     ESTELLA
                         You may kiss me if you like.  Come. 
                         Let us walk in the daisy garden. 
 
                         
                                     A BOY
                         Oh, what fun it is to splash about in 
                         the fountain!  You there, the prowling 
                         little boy! I bet you can't jump on 
                         my back!  Go on, then. Try and jump 
                         on my back!
 
                                     PIP
                         Who is that?

                                     ESTELLA
                         Just another playmate hired to amuse 
                         me. You didn't think you were the only 
                         one, did you?
 
                                     PIP
                         Oh I... rather thought I was.

                                     ESTELLA
                         Oh, you silly small-testicled boy. Come, 
                         let us walk through the rose garden. 
                         
 
               [The Havesham Estate, exterior. The camera looks at the second 
               floor, focusing on Ms. Havesham]
 
                                     MS. HAVESHAM
                         Yes, good. She will break his pathetic 
                         heart into a million pieces.
 
               [The South Park Classics study. The British Person resumes narrating]
 
               
                                     A BRITISH PERSON
                         Well, what a spot poor Pip was in. He 
                         was hired to be the friend of the very 
                         harsh and beautiful Estella. And although 
                         she treated him like dirt, or perhaps 
                         because she treated him like dirt, Pip 
                         found himself more in love with the 
                         little girl each and every day.  Oh, 
                         bless him! Isn't he lovely??  But, isn't 
                         it sad? Because Pip knew that someone 
                         as sophisticated and as wealthy as Estella 
                         could never love him, for he was just 
                         a simple blacksmith's apprentice.
 
                         
               [The blacksmith's house, night. Joe is working on another creation. 
               Pip watches]
 
                                     JOE
                          And so you bang on this side, and bang 
                         on that side, and there you have it. 
                          Your very own metal fuzzy dice.
 
                                     PIP
                          Yes. I see.  Hoh, lovely.

                                     JOE
                         Eeyyyy, what's all this, Pip?

                                     PIP
                         Joe, do you know anything about girls?
 
                         
                                     JOE
                          Sure! They're those things with vaginas 
                         in them.
 
                                     PIP
                          But, do you anything about them? About 
                         how they work.
 
                                     JOE
                          Oh, I don't know about that. I just 
                         like to keep to me blacksmithin'. 
 
                         
                                     PIP
                         Do you think that a girl who is rich 
                         and educated would ever want to be with 
                         a blacksmith?
 
                                     JOE
                         Oh. D'ooooh. No, I don't think so, Pip. 
                          Who could that be? 
 
                                     LAWYER
                         Joe, the blacksmith?

                                     JOE
                         The same.

                                     LAWYER
                         I'm a lawyer from London in search of 
                         a young lad named Pip.
 
                                     PIP
                         I'm Pip, sir.

                                     LAWYER
                         Mr. Blacksmith, I've been sent here 
                         to offer you a reasonable sum of money 
                         in exchange for your apprentice. 
 
                         
                                     JOE
                         Oh, well, uh Pip's not for sale, sir.
 
                         
                                     LAWYER
                         I have a client who wishes to give this 
                         bright child a future. Anything he desires. 
                          Do you still object?
 
                                     JOE
                         Heaven forbid I should stand in the 
                         way of Pip's future, but-
 
                                     LAWYER
                         He will one day inherit a handsome property. 
                         But the owner of that property wants 
                         him first to travel to London and learn 
                         to be a gentleman.
 
                                     JOE
                         That's great news! 

                                     LAWYER
                         There's only one condition, Pip. Your 
                         benefactor wishes to remain anonymous
 
                         
                                     PIP
                         Oho. But it must be Ms. Havesham!

                                     LAWYER
                         OH OH! If you have any suspicion of 
                         who that person might be, you are to 
                         keep it in your own breast. Understood?
 
                         
                                     PIP
                         Yes sir.

                                     LAWYER
                         Then you will go to London in a week's 
                         time.  Here's 20 sterling. Well, blacksmith, 
                         you look stunned.
 
                                     JOE
                         I am, sir.

                                     LAWYER
                         Then I should take my leave.  Good evening, 
                         gentlemen, and we shall see you in London 
                         next week, Pip. 
 
                                     PIP
                         Good-bye, sir.

                                     JOE
                          Pip!  A young gentleman! Of great expectations!
 
                         
               [London, a foggy night. Big Ben peals in the background. The 
               camera pans down from the skyline to a horse-drawn carriage, 
               which comes to a stop. Pip and the lawyer get out]
 
                                     LAWYER
                         You shall stay here with your roommate, 
                         Mr. Pocket. He is a distinguished young 
                         lad who will help you on your way to 
                         being a gentleman. I trust you see no 
                         problem with this?
 
                                     PIP
                         None, sir.

                                     LAWYER
                         I should think not.  On up, then, and 
                         prepare for school on the morrow.
 
                         
                                     PIP
                         Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. 

               [The Dormitory. Pip walks down the hall and finds a door with 
               his name under that of Mr. Pocket. He is about to knock when 
               a boy opens the door]
 
                                     A BOY
                         Mr. Pip? 

                                     PIP
                         Mr. Pocket?

                                     POCKET
                         Pray, come in! 

                                     PIP
                         Thank you kindly. You do look rather 
                         familiar
 
                                     POCKET
                         As do you. Perhaps we've seen each other 
                         before. As to our lodging, it's not 
                         by any means splendid. This is our sitting 
                         room - just chairs and tables and carpet 
                         and so forth.  This is my little room 
                         - rather musty, and this is your bedroom. 
                         
 
                                     PIP
                         My, how lovely.

                                     POCKET
                         Oh, what a gay time we shall have, and 
                         I do mean gay as in festive, not as 
                         in penetration of the bum. Oh, but dear 
                         me! I beg your pardon! You're holding 
                         your bags all this time! Pray, let me 
                         take them!  I'm quite ashamed!
 
                                     PIP
                         Oh it's... quite alright.  Lord bless 
                         me! Why, you're the pale young man I 
                         saw at Ms. Havesham's house!
 
                                     POCKET
                         Why, yes of course! You're the prowling 
                         little boy! Boy, what a smashing coincidence!
 
                         
                                     PIP
                         Perhaps, but perhaps not. Ms. Havesham 
                         is very generous indeed.
 
                                     POCKET
                         That old biddy? Oh, I assure you, I 
                         have nothing to do with her anymore. 
                         She's absolutely mad!
 
                                     PIP
                         Well, what do you mean?

                                     POCKET
                         Well, don't you know about Ms. Havesham's 
                         melancholy past? Dear me, it's quite 
                         a story, and should be discussed over 
                         dinner. Come!  Right, time for a smashing 
                         meal and the story of Ms. Havesham.
 
                         
                                     PIP
                         Pocket, may I ask you a favor? I am 
                         desperately trying to become a gentleman! 
                         For the love of a certain girl. So, 
                         will you please tell me if I do something 
                         wrong at the table?
 
                                     POCKET
                         You'll do fine, dear fellow, just fine. 
                         Now on to Ms. Havesham: She was raised 
                         by a wealthy father and grew up to be 
                         a somewhat of a spoiled brat.  And now 
                         I might mention, Pip, that in London 
                         it is not the custom to put the knife 
                         in the mouth.
 
                                     PIP
                          Hoh, dear, I'm terribly sorry! 

                                     POCKET
                          Not at all, I'm sure.  Anyway, Ms. 
                         Havesham grew up to be a lovely young 
                         lady, and soon a man came along, which 
                         gets me to the cruel part of the story, 
                         merely breaking off, Pip , to remark 
                         that a dinner napkin should never be 
                         placed into the tumbler.
 
                                     PIP
                          Sorry! Sorry!

                                     POCKET
                          Not at all, I'm sure.  So this man 
                         pursued Ms. Havesham closely and professed 
                         to be devoted to her. She passionately 
                         loved him back. The marriage day was 
                         fixed, the wedding dress was bought, 
                         the wedding guests were all invited, 
                         and finally the day came. But not the 
                         groom.  And I break from the tale now 
                         only to mention that one should never 
                         pass gas at the dinner table!
 
                                     PIP
                         Oh. Excuse me.

                                     POCKET
                         Not at all, I'm sure. So the groom never 
                         showed. He simply wrote a letter, a 
                         letter that Ms. Havesham received 20 
                         minutes before the wedding.
 
                                     PIP
                         At half nine, the time when she stopped 
                         all the clocks in the house.
 
                                     POCKET
                         But afterward she laid waste to the 
                         entire house, as you have seen it, and 
                         has never since looked upon the light 
                         of day. And the story ends, Pip, with 
                         me suggesting that one should never 
                         pull out the wee wee and check it for 
                         scabs whilst at the table.
 
                                     PIP
                         Terribly sorry, Pocket,

                                     POCKET
                          Not at all, I'm sure!

               [The South Park Classics study. The British Person resumes narrating]
 
               
                                     A BRITISH PERSON
                         And so Pip spent the next several months 
                         learning how to be a gentleman. He was 
                         schooled in several languages. He was 
                         taught fencing and marksmanship, and 
                         he was shown how to dance and eat box. 
                         And after it all, after WEEKS and weeks 
                         of intense schooling, Pip was finally 
                         a full-fledged gentleman. Proud of himself, 
                         Pip decided to pay Ms. Havesham a visit, 
                         to thank her for her generosity, and 
                         to see if he was indeed, now, good enough 
                         for Estella.
 
               [The Havesham Estate, exterior, then interior, at the dining 
               room.]
 
                                     PIP
                          Good evening, Ms. Havesham. 

                                     MS. HAVESHAM
                         Come closer, Pip.  My, you're quite 
                         the gentleman now, aren't you?
 
                                     PIP
                          Thanks to you.

                                     MS. HAVESHAM
                         Perhaps. Estella's been off to school 
                         as well.  She's become quite the lady. 
                         Would you like to see a picture of her? 
                         
 
                                     PIP
                         Oh, my! She is even prettier than before. 
                         
 
                                     MS. HAVESHAM
                         Ohoh, you love her, don't you, Pip?
 
                         
                                     PIP
                          I don't know. I mean, I think about 
                         her every day.
 
                                     MS. HAVESHAM
                         Do you know what love is, Pip? It is 
                         blind devotion, unquestioning self-humiliation, 
                         utter submission, trust and belief against 
                         yourself and against the whole world, 
                         giving up your whole heart and soul 
                         to snip it.
 
                                     PIP
                         Righto.

                                     MS. HAVESHAM
                         Love her, Pip. I developed her into 
                         what she is so that she might... be loved.
 
                         
                                     PIP
                         Yes, but... where will I find her?

                                     MS. HAVESHAM
                         There's a dance at the Palace tomorrow 
                         night. Estella will be there. Go and 
                         seek her out. And love her. Love her!
 
                         
                                     PIP
                         Thank you, Ms. Havesham! For everything! 
                          I'm the happiest boy in the land!
 
                         
                                     MS. HAVESHAM
                         And if she warms to you, love her; she 
                         tears your heart into pieces. And as 
                         you get older it will tear deeper.  
                         Lover her.
 
               [The South Park Classics study. The British Person resumes narrating]
 
               
                                     A BRITISH PERSON
                         Yes. Our young Pip had come a long way. 
                         From the apprentice of a blacksmith 
                         to a fine young gentleman of great expectations. 
                         And now he was to finally see his beloved 
                         Estella again at a Grand Ball held by 
                         the King of England, Tony Blair. It 
                         was here that Pip would finally and 
                         formally ask Estella to be his girlfriend. 
                         And all would be right with the world.
 
                         
               [The Grand Ballroom at the Palace, evening. Tony Blair and wife 
               descend the Grand Staircase as dozens of couples dance before 
               them. The camera then pans across the scene and stops on Estella. 
               Pip comes in from the side]
 
                                     PIP
                         Hello, Estella.

                                     ESTELLA
                         Pip.  My goodness, how you've changed!
 
                         
                                     PIP
                         Yes. I've become a gentleman. May I? 
                         
 
                                     ESTELLA
                         I suppose.  So how is it that you've 
                         learned to dress and dance?
 
                                     PIP
                         Well, I was sent to be schooled in London.
 
                         
                                     ESTELLA
                         Iiii see, and you no longer live with 
                         the blacksmith?
 
                                     PIP
                         Oh. I see Joe once in a while. But I 
                         don't have much in common with him anymore, 
                         now that I'm a gentleman and all.
 
                         
                                     ESTELLA
                         Naturally. 

                                     PIP
                          It is wonderful to see you again, Estella.
 
                         
                                     ESTELLA
                         Is it? Why? 

                                     PIP
                         Because I believe I'm in love with you.
 
                         
                                     ESTELLA
                         Pip, you must know that I have no heart.
 
                         
                                     PIP
                          I think you do.

                                     ESTELLA
                         Oh, I have a heart to be shot or stabbed 
                         in, no doubt, and if it cease to beat 
                         I should cease to be, but  you know 
                         what I mean. I have no softness there, 
                         no sympathy, sentiment.
 
                                     PIP
                         I see past that, Estella. I see a little 
                         girl who wants to be warm and kind.
 
                         
                                     OLDER BOY
                          Hey, Estella, let's get out of here.
 
                         
                                     ESTELLA
                         Alright, Steve. Just one moment. 

                                     PIP
                         Who...? Who is that?

                                     ESTELLA
                         That is Steve. He is seventeen and has 
                         a car.
 
                                     PIP
                         I see, and you... fancy this Steve fellow?
 
                         
                                     ESTELLA
                         I should. He's my boyfriend.

                                     PIP
                          Boyfriend??

                                     ESTELLA
                         What's the matter, Pip?!

                                     PIP
                         I don't understand! I did everything 
                         right! I stopped being a poor commoner! 
                         I even blew off my lovin' Joe!
 
                                     ESTELLA
                         It's... it's... the way it goes sometimes, 
                         Pip.  He's... seventeen and has a car. 
                         I'm... I'm... very  I'm  leaving. 
 
               [The Havesham Estate, outside, a stormy night. Pip reaches the 
               Havesham estate and enters the front gates. He heads into the 
               house, up the spiral staircase, and into the dining room.]
 
               
                                     PIP
                         Ms. Havesham! You have to talk to Estella! 
                         She's going out with a- 
 
                                     MS. HAVESHAM
                         Well well well, if it isn't Mr. Pip. 
                         
 
                                     PIP
                         Ms. Havesham! But um...

                                     MS. HAVESHAM
                         Don't they make a handsome couple, Pip? 
                          Look at the way he holds her hand.
 
                         
                                     PIP
                         But I don't understand.  You sent me 
                         away to become a gentleman so that I 
                         could be with Estalla.
 
                                     MS. HAVESHAM
                         Things aren't always as they seem, Pip. 
                          Oh, what's the matter? Did she... break 
                         your heart?
 
                                     PIP
                          ...Well, I suppose that if you set out 
                         to break my heart, you did a very good 
                         job of it. Because it certainly does 
                         hurt.
 
                                     MS. HAVESHAM
                         Yes. Tell me about the pain.  Tell me 
                         about the crushing and the prickly things.
 
                         
                                     PIP
                         It's... a-as if... sssomeone has a hold 
                         of my heart and isss  squeezing it very 
                         tightly.
 
                                     MS. HAVESHAM
                         Yes, and it is somewhat difficult to 
                         breathe.
 
                                     STEVE
                         Hey, wait a second. You mean that this 
                         whole thing was just a setup by your 
                         mom?
 
                                     MS. HAVESHAM
                          Is your heart broken as well? Tell 
                         me all about it.
 
                                     PIP
                         But why do you make your daughter hurt 
                         people?
 
                                     MS. HAVESHAM
                         Wuh-hy? Well, that's simple. Because 
                         I need the tears of broken-hearted men 
                         to use in my Genesis device.  You see, 
                         my foolish child, I'm growing very old. 
                         But tonight I will fuse my soul into 
                         Estella's once and for all. And then 
                         I can go on breaking men's hearts for 
                         another generation.
 
                                     STEVE
                         What the hell??

                                     MS. HAVESHAM
                         Estella, prepare yourself for the Genesis 
                         platform. 
 
                                     STEVE
                          Oh no, you don't! You're my girl! And 
                         I'm not lettin' you walk out on me! 
                          What the?! 
 
                                     MS. HAVESHAM
                         And as for you, Pip, my robot monkeys 
                         should take care of you! 
 
               [The blacksmith's house, day. A shadow appears at Pip's door 
               and falls on him. He awakens and looks at the source of the shadow]
 
               
                                     JOE
                         Pip? Pip, old chap? 

                                     PIP
                          Joe?

                                     JOE
                         That's right. You're safe and warm now.
 
                         
                                     POCKET
                          Joe found you lying face down in the 
                         street, Mr. Pip, You were in such a 
                         state. You've been unconscious here 
                         for nearly three hours.
 
                                     PIP
                          Ms Havesham! She has all the men who 
                         have had their hearts broken by Estella 
                         trapped in her house!  Oh, why would 
                         she have wasted all that time sending 
                         me to school and making me into a gentleman?
 
                         
                                     JOE
                         Well, about that, Pip: There's another 
                         person who wants to see you. 
 
                                     EX-CONVICT
                         Allo, Pip. You remember me? 

                                     EX-CONVICT
                          I'll rip off your arms and shove 'em 
                         up your arse!
 
                                     PIP
                         Why, you're the escaped convict I helped 
                         a long time ago.
 
                                     EX-CONVICT
                         Yes. After you helped me I moved to 
                         Wales and made somethin' o' myself. 
                         If it weren't for you, I'd have never 
                         become a millionaire.
 
                                     JOE
                         'E's the one that sent you to London, 
                         Pip! 'E's the one who sent you off to 
                         be a gentleman!
 
                                     PIP
                         You? But why?

                                     EX-CONVICT
                         Because back then you treated me like 
                         any other person. You're weren't a snob 
                         and you helped me as you would a rich 
                         man.
 
                                     PIP
                         Oh, dear. All this time I thought it 
                         was Ms. Havesham. She totally let me 
                         believe it. 
 
                                     POCKET
                         I tried to tell you, Pip. She's a vengeful, 
                         spiteful woman.who wanted nothing more 
                         than to see you hurt along with the 
                         rest of the male sex.
 
                                     PIP
                         Well, I've certainly learned a lot. 
                         That being a gentleman doesn't mean 
                         learning to dance, or proper table manners. 
                         It means being a gentle man. Gentle 
                         to everyone.
 
                                     POCKET
                         Righto. Pip. Righto.

                                     PIP
                         And now I suppose there's only one thing 
                         left to do.
 
                                     JOE
                         What's that, Pip.

                                     PIP
                         If Ms. Havesham is determined to do 
                         this to others, let's go KICK HER ARSE!
 
                         
                                     JOE
                         Yeah! 

               [The South Park Classics study. The British Person resumes narrating]
 
               
                                     A BRITISH PERSON
                         And now we come to the final act of 
                         the Dickens classic tale, inwhich the 
                         stage is set for an epic showdown. Ms. 
                         Havesham's robot monkeys prove a formidable 
                         foe, but Pip is not about to let Estella's 
                         soul be forever consumed by the Genesis 
                         device. And now the thrilling conclusion 
                         of Great Expectations!
 
               [The Havesham Estate, outside, a stormy night. In the dining 
               room Ms. Havesham prepares Estella for the Genesis device]
 
               
                                     MS. HAVESHAM
                         Are you ready, Estella? Are you ready 
                         to complete the cycle?
 
                                     ESTELLA
                         Yes, Mother. 

                                     PIP
                         Not so fast, you ugly ancient bitch.
 
                         
                                     ESTELLA
                         Pip? 

                                     JOE
                          Your manhating days are over, Ms. Havesham!
 
                         
                                     MS. HAVESHAM
                         Quite the contrary, blacksmith. My revenge 
                         on the male race is only about to begin.
 
                         
                                     POCKET
                         Dear God, Pip, look! 

                                     STEVE
                          Estella, help me! I'm your boyfriend!
 
                         
                                     BOY
                          So am I.

                                     MAN
                          And me.

                                     MAN IN MIDDLE
                         We were all Estella's boyfriends at 
                         one time or another. Now we're doomed.
 
                         
                                     MS. HAVESHAM
                         Yes. Cry away, males.  Once your tears 
                         have collected into the Genesis device, 
                         the fusion of Estella and me will be 
                         complete.
 
                                     PIP
                         You won't get away with this!

                                     MS. HAVESHAM
                         Won't I?  Let the transformation begin. 
                         
 
                                     JOE
                          Pip, she started the device! 

                                     PIP
                          Pocket! Get over there, and do whatever 
                         it takes to keep those blokes from crying!
 
                         
                                     POCKET
                         Righto, Pip. 

                                     MS. HAVESHAM
                          It begins.

                                     PIP
                          Come, Estella! You can't want to be 
                         part of this.
 
                                     ESTELLA
                         It is... what I was raised for. 

                                     ROBOT MONEKY
                         AAAAAAA!!!

                                     POCKET
                         Hello, gentlemen. Oh, whatever you do, 
                         please do not cry. Havesham's device 
                         fuels itself on your tears, I'm afraid.
 
                         
                                     MAN
                         How are we not to cry. Our hearts have 
                         been broken, our lives ruined, and now 
                         we are set to die!
 
                                     POCKET
                         Yes, but just thnk about... panda bears! 
                          Oh, they're so cuddly and sweet, panda 
                         bears are.  What silly little noses 
                         they have!
 
                                     MAN
                          Panda bears make me sad. They're almost 
                         extinct.
 
                                     POCKET
                          Oh, right, right, let's not think about 
                         panda bears, then. Let's think about 
                         ...swimming! Oh, what jolly fun swimming 
                         is, with a splishy-splash and a hold-your-breath 
                         dive. 
 
                                     MS. HAVESHAM
                         ...Yes...

                                     EX-CONVICT
                          Get out of that chair, you old cow! 
                         
 
                                     PIP
                          Estella! Listen to me! You are a wonderful 
                         girl, with a kind heart.
 
                                     ESTELLA
                         I told you, Pip. I have no heart

                                     PIP
                         But you do! And I shall prove it to 
                         you once and for all!  Look at this 
                         adorable little bunny.
 
                                     ESTELLA
                          Oh my. 'E's very cute.

                                     PIP
                         You see that? A heartless person wouldn't 
                         care at all about this bunny. They'd 
                         just as soon break its neck.  ...Oh. But 
                         look at this bunny.  There. You see 
                         that? You have too big a heart to kill 
                         two baby bunnies.  ...Right.
 
                                     POCKET
                          Oh what fun it is to collect stamps! 
                         Lick the backs, put them into books 
                         all neat and tidy with those smashing 
                         little pictures and bright colors.
 
                         
                                     MAN
                          My father died in a stamp-collecting 
                         accident.
 
                                     POCKET
                         Right, let's not talk about stamp-collecting, 
                         then. Let's talk about... 
 
                                     MAN IN MIDDLE
                         Ice-skating!

                                     POCKET
                         Oh what fun ice-skating is!  Who can 
                         catch me? Who can catch the ice-skating 
                         king? That's me.
 
                                     JOE
                          Oy can't figh' 'em off no moh!

                                     PIP
                         Nine. Nine baby bunnies. A person with 
                         a heart could never kill nine baby bunnies. 
                         So you do have too big a heart to-  
                         Ten baby bunnies!
 
                                     JOE
                          ...There's too many of them! 

                                     POCKET
                         Please, sirs, you must not cry!

                                     MAN
                          We can't help it! You're bawlin' us 
                         to tears! 
 
                                     POCKET
                         Philip, it's too late!!

                                     PIP
                         Twenty-six baby bunnies

                                     ESTELLA
                         I don't want to. I don't see the point 
                         in this.
 
                                     PIP
                         What?

                                     ESTELLA
                         I don't want to kill any more of them.
 
                         
                                     PIP
                         There! You see?! You do have a heart!
 
                         
                                     ESTELLA
                         You think so? Let me see it  Maybe I 
                         can kill it.
 
                                     PIP
                          No no, I'm sure of it. You have a heart! 
                         You've bought your own life! Come with 
                         me now! 
 
                                     MS. HAVESHAM
                         Yessss!  Noooo! 

                                     POCKET
                         Ooooo, top smart, Pip! 

                                     JOE
                         You did it, Pip! 

               [The Havesham Estate, outside, a stormy night. Joe, Pip, Pocket, 
               the nine males, and Estella leave the house as flames spread 
               from the dining room to other rooms and onto the yard. The party 
               moves towards the gate, then turns back to watch the burning 
               house]
 
                                     JOE
                         Well, I guess Old Ms. Havesham won't 
                         be takin' any revenge on any more blokes, 
                         ey?
 
                                     ESTELLA
                         Yes. her poor miserable life is finally 
                         over.
 
                                     PIP
                         You're released from her now, Estella! 
                         Now we can begin our life together!
 
                         
                                     ESTELLA
                         Yes! Yes, my small-testicled love! 
 
                         
                                     POCKET
                         Oh, I'm so glad everything has worked 
                         out.  Where are all my little bunnies 
                         that you borrowed then, Pip?
 
               [The South Park Classics study. The British Person finishes narrating]
 
               
                                     A BRITISH PERSON
                         And they all lived happily ever after. 
                         Except for Pocket, who died of hepatitis 
                         B.  So ends Charles Dickens' Great Expectaton.We 
                         hope you now have a deeper appreciation 
                         for Pip, and indeed,  all masterpieces 
                         of literature like this one.  Until 
                         next time, I'm a British person. Good 
                         night.
 
               THE END

Great Expectations



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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