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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 413


                              "HELEN KELLER, THE MUSICAL"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [A stage, rehearsal, day. Stan, Kyle, and Wendy are in costume 
               on stage. Stan is dressed in a white suit and bowtie, and a fake 
               beard and moustache. Kyle is dressed as a country doctor with 
               starched collar, and Wendy is dressed in white pants, purple 
               coat and beret, and bowtie. The stage itself has a door prop 
               and a tripod table with a bowl and jar atop it. Kyle enters through 
               the door.]
 
                                     WENDY
                         Doctor, doctor! Will our daughter be 
                         okay?
 
                                     KYLE
                         I am sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Keller, but 
                         I'm afraid your daughter Helen still 
                         cannot see, hear, or speak.
 
                                     WENDY
                         Oh no! NO!

                                     STAN
                         'Ere 'ere, my good wife, 'ere is nothing 
                         we can do.
 
                                     WENDY
                         My poor little Helen.

                                     TIMMY
                          Timmiihhh!

                                     WENDY
                         She can't see or hear us, John.

                                     TIMMY
                         Heh-aaaah, Timmih!

                                     STAN
                          E-yes. Perhaps she should go to an 
                         asyluh.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Stan, what the hell is wrong with you? 
                         I can't understand your lines!
 
                                     STAN
                         'Cause the 'eard 'urts my 'ace.

                                     KYLE
                         Can we take a lunch break now?

                                     CARTMAN
                         No! If we want our play to be better 
                         than the kindergartners' play, we have 
                         to rehearse as much as possible! Now 
                         let's continue the scene!
 
                                     BEBE
                          Hello. My name is Anne Sullivan, and 
                         I believe I can teach this child to 
                         communicate.
 
                                     STAN
                         Uh-eally? Uh you think so?

                                     BEBE
                          Water, Helen! Waaa-terr!

                                     TIMMY
                         Agh oh-ight, Timmih!

                                     CARTMAN
                         God-damnit, Timmy! Helen Keller isn't 
                         suposed to talk!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Hey you guys! We got a big problem! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         What is it, Butters?

                                     BUTTERS
                         The kidnergartners! I just came from 
                         their dress rehearsal. Hoh, it's good, 
                         you guys. It's real good!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         How good?

                                     BUTTERS
                         They got Pilgrim outfits! And Indian 
                         ones, too! They've got singing and dancing 
                         and boy you've never seen such a show! 
                         Why, it's a Thanksgiving extravaganza!
 
                         
               Clyde	Oh, no!

                                     KYLE
                         We can't be outdone by the kindergartners!
 
                         
                                     CLYDE
                         Oh, now what?

                                     STAN
                         Oh yeah, we can't!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Alright, alright! Quiet down! Look, 
                         we still got four days until the Thanksgiving 
                         festival; that's plenty of time to revamp 
                         our play!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Revamp how? The rules are that the fourth 
                         grade class has to perform the Helen 
                         Keller Story.
 
                                     CARRTMAN
                         Yeah, but nobody told us how we had 
                         to do it. We can have Thanksgiving stuff 
                         and music numbers, too.
 
                                     CLYDE
                         Well, we can add music numbers, but 
                         how do we make the Helen Keller story 
                         more Thanksgivingy?
 
                                     WENDY
                         I know! How about, instead of a dog, 
                         Helen Keller has a pet turkey.
 
                                     TOKEN
                         Yeah, a turkey that could do tricks.
 
                         
                                     KIDS
                         Yeah

                                     CARTMAN
                         That's the spirit, gang! Alright. Stan 
                         and Wendy, you go out and find some 
                         musical instruments! Kenny and Clyde, 
                         take some kids and buy some Thanksgiving 
                         decorations for the set! Kyle and Timmy, 
                         you go out and find a turkey!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Okay!

                                     CARTMAN
                         This is gonna be the best version of 
                         the Miracle Worker ever!
 
                                     KIDS
                         Yay!

               [a barn, with no snow around it. Cows are grazing on the grass 
               outside. Inside, a rancher shows Timmy and Kyle around the barn.]
 
               
                                     RANCHER
                         What kind of turkey are you lookin' 
                         for?
 
                                     KYLE
                         A smart one, that can do tricks.

                                     RANCHER
                         Well, I ain't got a whole lot left, 
                         it bein' almost Thanksgiving and all. 
                          Go ahead, just pick one out. 
 
                                     TIMMY
                          Timmaay! 

                                     RANCHER
                          Oh, that one's a little messed up. 
                         Not exactly the... pick of the litter.
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                         Haaaaa!

                                     KYLE
                         Uh, Timmy, if we back to the other kids 
                         with that turkey they're gonna be pissed!
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                         TIMMAY!

                                     RANCHER
                         Yeah. Best you not take that one. I 
                         was just about to take it out in the 
                         yard and putt a bullet in its head.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         What?! Aw, dude, don't say that!

                                     TIMMY
                         T-TIIMMAY TIMMAY!

                                     KYLE
                         Alright, we'll take him. How much?
 
                         
                                     RANCHER
                         Fifty bucks.

                                     KYLE
                         But you were just gonna take it out 
                         in the backyard and put a bullet in 
                         its head!
 
                                     RANCHER
                         I know! Now I gotta find somethin' else 
                         to shoot.
 
                                     KYLE
                          ...God-damnit, here!  Alright, Timmy, 
                         let's go! 
 
                                     RANCHER
                         I've got a one-legged pig if you'd like, 
                         too.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Aw, blow it out your ass!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Guys, I want you all to meet Jeffrey 
                         Maynard. He's South Park's biggest expert 
                         on musical theater, AND, he played the 
                         lead in Les Misérables at the Denver 
                         Community Playhouse for five weeks.
 
                         
                                     KIDS
                          Bravo.

                                     WENDY
                         Do you think we could make up a good 
                         Thanksgiving play in four days?
 
                                     JEFFREY MAYNARD
                          I would swear it on my life. Your play 
                         shall want for nothing.
 
                                     KIDS
                         Hooray!

                                     JEFFREY MAYNARD
                         Now, the first thing a good musical 
                         needs is a big opening number. Something 
                         that sets up the entire show.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Alright! Places, everybody! Bring in 
                         the turkey!  What the hell is that?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         It's a turkey.  His name is Gobbles.
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                         GOBBLES! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         And where... pray... is our beautiful trick 
                         performing turkey?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Um, we... sssort of spend all the money 
                         on this... one...
 
                                     TIMMY
                         GOBBLES! 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Kyle, can I talk to you over here for 
                         a second?  Kyle? Why do you do these 
                         things to me?
 
                                     KYLE
                         I didn't do anything to you. Timmy saw 
                         the turkey and wanted to get it. What 
                         do you want me to say to him?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You say, "No, Timmy, you can't have 
                         that turkey! Bad Timmy!"
 
                                     KYLE
                          Look, I know it isn't exactly what 
                         we wanted, but maybe we can train it.
 
                         
                                     ?????
                         He's not gonna work, Kyle. The whole 
                         point was to make our play better than 
                         the kindergartners.
 
                                     TOKEN
                         Yeah, that turkey sucks.

                                     JEFFREY MAYNARD
                          Wait! What's that, you say? A thanksgiving 
                         turkey is what you require? I know of 
                         a turkey.
 
                                     STAN
                         You do?

                                     JEFFREY MAYNARD
                          During my years on Broadway I... worked 
                         with a turkey who could do all kinds 
                         of tricks. She even jumped through a 
                         hoop of fire.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Cool! Can you get it for us?

                                     JEFFREY MAYNARD
                         I will go promptly and call her trainer. 
                         On the morrow you shall have your trick 
                         performing turkey.
 
                                     KIDS
                         Alright! 

               [South Park, Timmy's house, night. Timmy is in his room with 
               a hula hoop in hand, sitting on the floor]
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Gobbles!  Gobbles!  Up, heh. Uh!  Heeey, 
                         Gobbles!  Gobbles.  Gobbles! 
 
               [South Park, Cartman's house, night. Cartman is in his room rewriting 
               a part of the play.]
 
               Cartman;	No no no! [tosse another sheet over his shoulder, to 
               join other wads on the floor. His mother enters the room]
 
                                     LIANE
                         Boopsie-kins, It's late. You need to 
                         be in bed.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I can't sleep, Mom! I have to write 
                         the lyrics for the opening song of our 
                         Helen Keller Thanksgiving spectacular!
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                         Now, hon!

                                     CARTMAN
                          But  Mo-o-om, I have to write these 
                         lyrics so the plight of Helen Keller 
                         can be realized by the common man.
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                         Twenty more minutes, and that's it. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Twenty minutes! Does Tim Rice's mom 
                         give him twenty minutes to write the 
                         lyrics to "Phantom Of The Opera"?!  
                         Speak to me Helen. Let me be your voice. 
                          Come on, you blind bitch! Channel your 
                         spirit through me!
 
               [South Park, Timmy's house. Timmy is in bed asleep. Soon, Gobbles 
               hops up on the bed and drops his head on the covers. He slowly 
               inches up to Timmy's face, looking at Timmy all the while, and 
               settles in next to him. Gobbles soon falls asleep. Timmy's left 
               hand comes to rest on Gobbles' body. An exterior shot with the 
               moon low in the sky is shown and fades out.]
 
               [The South Park Community Theatre, the stage, next day. rehearsal. 
               Clyde is speaking under a spotlight]
 
                                     CLYDE
                         Tonight we present the story of a courageous 
                         girl and her fight against depression
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          OP-pression!

                                     CLYDE
                         Oppression. Our play begins in a simpler 
                         time.  Alabama, in the late 1800's 
 
                         
                                     ACTORS
                         1800's, Alabama! What a great place 
                         and time!
 
               We're so happy that we live in 1800's Alabama 'cause it's sunny 
               and there is no crime!
 
                                     JEFFREY
                          Now to the refrain!

                                     ACTORS
                         And in this little town in 1800's Alabama 
                         there's a family by the name of Keller!
 
                         
               [They dance off to one side of the house. A water pump appears]
 
               
               Their daughter's deaf and mute and blind as a bat, and her parents 
               can't even tell her!!
 
                                     LAMOND
                          Excuse me, I am Lamond, the animal 
                         trainer.
 
                                     CLYDE
                         Oh.  Cool! He's here! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Awesome! Do you have a turkey that can 
                         do tricks?
 
                                     LAMOND
                         Ap ap! Do not call them tricks! She's 
                         a very sensitive turkey! She performs 
                         feats, not tricks. Ladies and gentlemen, 
                         may I present the most beautiful bird 
                         in America!  Four-time prize winner 
                         of the National Western Stock Show and 
                         reigning poster child of turkeylovers.com! 
                         I give you Alinicia! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeh.

                                     OTHERS
                         Wow.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Whoa.

                                     BEBE
                         Her feathers are beautiful.

               Clyde	That's the prettiest turkey I ever saw.

                                     LAMOND
                         Of course she is! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay! Now we can really get this thing 
                         underway! Places, everybody!  Where 
                         the hell is Timmy?
 
                                     TIMMY
                          TIM-MIH! 

                                     LAMOND
                         What... is... that?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh, that's Gobbles, the physically challenged 
                         turkey. 
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Gobbles!  Gobbles?!

                                     KYLE
                         Timmy, we already got a turkey.

                                     CLYDE
                         Yeah, and it's from Broadway.

                                     TIMMY
                          Gobbles.

                                     CARTMAN
                         No, Timmy! Tha handicapped turkey does 
                         not go in our play!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, don't forget: Timmy is the only 
                         kid who can play Helen Keller. Don't 
                         piss him off.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No, that's right. Only Timmy knows the 
                         part.
 
                                     TIMMY
                          Tim-mih.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, Jesus! Okay, fine! Helen Keller 
                         can have TWO pet turkeys! 
 
                                     LAMOND
                         My turkey does not work with other turkeys!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, God-damnit, now what are we gonnan 
                         do?!
 
               [The South Park Community Theatre, later. Hallway outside a dressing 
               room. The door opens and Lamond stands there trying to calm Alinicia 
               down]
 
                                     LAMOND
                         Alright, ah ah alright! Alri- ah a-alright. 
                         Alright. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Dude, we need your turkey for our play!
 
                         
                                     LAMOND
                         She's not coming out. She's very upset! 
                         She's pooped all over the room!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I know, I know, but listen: uhlet me 
                         try to explain the position I'm in here. 
                         The retarded turkey belongs to our friend, 
                         Timmy. And Timmy's the only person who 
                         knows the part of Helen Keller. So, 
                         so tell me what I can do here to make 
                         everybody happy?
 
                                     LAMOND
                          Kill the other turkey!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I can't dude. Timmy has a boner for 
                         it.
 
                                     LAMOND
                         Well, it could meet with "an unfortunate 
                         accident."
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Unfortunate accident? You mean, like 
                         Geena Davis getting her own TV show? 
                          Oh.
 
                                     LAMOND
                         It's very simple! Either that turkay 
                         meets with an unfortunate accident, 
                         or you don't have a feat-performing 
                         turkey for your Helen Keller Thanksgiving 
                         musical!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Alright, alright! Just get your turkey 
                         to stop crapping all over the dressing 
                         room and come out for rehearsal! I'll 
                         take care of everything. 
 
               [The South Park Community Theatre, the stage, later. Bebe and 
               Timmy are front and center while the others stand in a row in 
               the background]
 
                                     BEBE
                          Water, Helen. It has a name. Oh, why 
                         can't you understand?
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Dehh haaa. 

                                     BEBE
                         Water, Helen, Water.

                                     KIDS
                         She's never gonna do it. There's no 
                         way she'll ever do it.
 
                                     BEBE
                         Helen, Helen. Water, Helen.

                                     KIDS
                         How can she talk if she can't hear? 
                         This is absolutely pointless!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, uh, hold it. Uh, let's hold it 
                         right there a second.  Okay, I just 
                         want to adjust the blocking real quick. 
                         Hm-let's see. Uh, why don't we have 
                         Turkey #2  stand just a little bit more 
                         over...  here.  Let's see, maybe a little 
                         more up in here.  And just a wee bit 
                         over here.  And right about...  hm'ere. 
                          There we go. Good. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!

                                     JEFFREY
                         Whoa-aaaa 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Aw, crap! I must've rigged the wrong 
                         light!
 
                                     JEFFREY
                          Let him rest in peace. Let him rest. 
                         Why must he die?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          They've got special effects! 

                                     KYLE
                         What Butters? 

                                     BUTTERS
                         The kindergartners! They've got amazing 
                         stage effects. Pyrotechnics and what 
                         have yous. Why, it's a regular feast 
                         for the eyes!
 
                                     WENDY
                         Oh, no!

                                     CLYDE
                         We're never gonna outdo them now! 
 
                         
                                     TOKEN
                         But what are we gonna do?

                                     CARTMAN
                          Calm down! Calm down! We can have special 
                         effects, too. Now, I know a lot is going 
                         wrong, but we've got to stick together 
                         to make this play work!  All of us! 
                         
 
                                     JEFFREY
                         —and into your hands  uh he... buh... 
 
                         
               [The South Park Community Theatre, the stage, later. Timmy is 
               in another hallway trying to get Gobbles to hop through the hoop]
 
               
                                     TIMMY
                         Gobbles!  Hu-ugh, Gobbles! 

                                     LAMOND
                          Little boy.

                                     TIMMY
                          Timmy.

                                     LAMOND
                         Yes, Tim. I feel I must speak with you. 
                          The others, well, they don't want you 
                         to know, but, oh, I don't know what 
                         to do. Should I tell you?
 
                                     TIMMY
                         T-Timmih? 

                                     LAMOND
                         I feel I'm the only one who can be honest 
                         with you.  The animal shelter is on 
                         its way to...take your turkeyy away from 
                         you.
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Gobbles? 

                                     LAMOND
                         You see, they don't allow children in 
                         your... situation... to have wild animals 
                         as pets. You can't take him running, 
                         you can't take care of him. They... have 
                         to take it away.
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Gobbles!

                                     LAMOND
                         They take wild pets away from people 
                         like you... and hand them over for experiments. 
                         And they're shocked, dissected, and 
                         falyed while thery're still alive. And 
                         no matter where you go, the shelter 
                         people will find you. The only way for 
                         that turkey to avoid years of torture 
                         is for you to... let him go. Back into 
                         the wild.  Oh no! Here they come now! 
                          Quick, go! And set your turkey free! 
                         I'll try to stall them.
 
                                     TIMMY
                          T-tim-mih.

                                     INSTALLER
                         Eh, excuse me, we're here to install 
                         the water effects for the musical?
 
                         
                                     LAMOND
                         Uh, the stage is right through there.
 
                         
                                     INSTALLER
                         Thanks. 

               [South Park, Cartman's house, night. Cartman is at his desk in 
               his room rewriting a song.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Alright, got to write the new lyrics. 
                         Lemme see.  no  No.  NO!  God-damnit 
                         
 
                                     JEFFREY
                          How is it going, Eric?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Terrible!  I can't write the lyrics 
                         for the third act! Nothing's coming 
                         to me.
 
                                     JEFFREY
                         Well, you know in theater sometimes, 
                         we try different tricks to get the creative 
                         juices flowing.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Like what?

                                     JEFFREY
                         Let's see.  Helen Keller was blind and 
                         deaf.  Perhaps you should see what it 
                         is like. Deprive yourself of your senses 
                         and see what plays inside your mind. 
                         Here. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, that's not a bad idea.

                                     JEFFREY
                          Just relax. Just try to let your mind 
                         wander and let the juices flow... 
 
               [First, the portrait of Helem Keller. Then nothng. Then Helen 
               Keller again, then a banana split, then Helen again, then a human 
               skull. Cartman is disturbed. Then Helen, the skull, another skull, 
               Helen, a mummy whose hair moves a bit, bombs dropping from planes, 
               a sinister clown, the banana split, a body being prepped for 
               opeartion, the banana split, a wall with "GO DEAD BE DEAD" written 
               in blood on it, a Russian show of military might, Helen, animals 
               tearing at something, a riot, a close-up of a snake, an atomic 
               bomb test, a lasik experiment. Cartman. The first skull, "GO 
               DEAD BE DEAD", the skull, the experiment, the skull, the experiment, 
               a woman wailing in the flames, open-heart surgery, a rat eating 
               a dead rat, the banana split, a mouth being pulled open, Helen, 
               a Nazi troop march, a fireman in an inferno, the Hindenberg bursting 
               in flame, an alien opening its mouth and the camera zooms in... 
               Cartman takes the blindfold and headphones off]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, man!

                                     JEFFREY
                         Well, did you see anything?

                                     CARTMAN
                         No, just the same old crap I always 
                         see when I close my eyes.
 
                                     JEFFREY
                         ...Oh, that's too bad.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Wait. I've got it! The perfect setup 
                         for when Helen Keller's pet turkey jumps 
                         through the hoop of fire!  Yes! Yes! 
                         I have it now!
 
               [South Park, residential street, day. Timmy rolls along dejected 
               and turns to anothr street. He remembers what Lamond said as 
               he rolls]
 
                                     LAMOND
                          The only way for that turkey to avoid 
                         years of torture is for you to... let 
                         him go...  let him go... let him go...
 
                                     TIMMY
                          Gobbles!  Gobbles!!  Gobbles. Gobbles! 
                          Timmih.  Timmih, Gobbles. 
 
                                     BOY
                         Daddy, why did Mommy leave and go to 
                         heaven?
 
                                     FATHER
                         She didn't want to, Kevin. She... had 
                         no choice.
 
                                     BOY
                         But I miss her. 

                                     ELDERLY MAN
                          I could have so much more with my life, 
                         son. I've wasted it. I've wasted it, 
                         not ever telling you and Mark that I 
                         love you. 
 
                                     GIRL
                         Robby! Robby, no! 

                                     WOMAN
                         ...Because now, every time I look at you 
                         , I see her!  I have to move on.
 
                                     MAN
                         Kelly, please. Don't do this. I'm sorry.
 
                         
                                     KELLY
                         Then why did you do it?? 

                                     MAN
                         I don't know! 

                                     LADY
                         Have you done the right things in your 
                         life? 
 
               [The South Park Community Theatre, Wednesday, play day. The parents 
               arrive and take seats. Mrs. Marsh finds Mrs. Broflovski siiting 
               in the audience already, and walks up to her]
 
                                     SHARON
                         Hi, Sheila.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Hello, Sharon. Where's your husband?
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         Oh, he's in the back. He set up a video 
                         camera so he can tape the performance.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh, so did Gerald. 

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Oh yeah, I got a great angle here.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Ey, Gerald, maybe after the show we 
                         can make copies of each other's tape 
                         so we have both.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Good idea.

               [The South Park Community Theatre, stage. The kids mill around 
               backstage]
 
                                     KYLE
                         So wait. Do we do that spin-around thing 
                         on the last beat?
 
                                     STAN
                         No, it's on the 'en or the 'ay. 

                                     KYLE
                         You ready for the big show, Timmy?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Where's Gobbles, Timmy?

                                     TIMMY
                         Gobbles.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Alright everybody, let's take our places!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Cartman, where's Timmy's turkey?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't know.  I don't know, you guys! 
                         Alright, maybe I tried to have Timmy's 
                         turkey crushed by a stage light, but 
                         I didn't do anything else. I'm not an 
                         asshole.
 
                                     LAMOND
                         You're going to be brilliant, you sexy, 
                         gorgeous turkey. With that other meddling 
                         animal out of the way, you'll steal 
                         the show! 
 
               [South Park, business district, day. Gobbles walks along the 
               curb as cars zip by, then decides to cross the street. A car 
               zips be and Gobbles steps back. The camera angle shows Gobbles' 
               view of the car that almost ran over him]
 
                                     DRIVER
                          Well, well, what are doing out here? 
                          You shouldn't be out walking the streets. 
                         
 
               [Uncle Joe's Fresh Turkey truck, trailer section. Gobbles finds 
               himself along near the doors and looks up to see a group of turkeys 
               looking back at him. Then the turkeys look up, and Gobbles does 
               also. What they see is a sign that reads, "Thanksgiving Turkey. 
               Killed Humanely." Gobbles looks at the turkeys, who look back, 
               and then drops his head]
 
               [The South Park Community Theatre, stage. Mr. Garrison is present 
               to introduce the show.]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Hello, parents, and welcome to the 13th 
                         annual South Park Thanksgiving Pageant.
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          Every year the fourth graders do "The 
                         Miracle Worker," and every year I have 
                         to sit and watch it.
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Yeah, I swore that if I had to see it 
                         one more time, I'd put a bullet in my 
                         head.  But luckily I got really stoned 
                         before I came.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         And now, here it is. The touching story 
                         of Helen Keller, "The Miracle Worker." 
                         
 
                                     KIDS
                         Helen Keller, Helen Keller, blind as 
                         a bat.
 
               She can't hear us speak. What's up with that?

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         This is "The Miracle Worker"?

                                     SHARON
                         I... well... maybe. 

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Oh, oh, haha. Wow.

                                     WRANGLER
                          Come on. Yaah! Move it!

               [the turkeys leave the room and enter another one. A movie screen 
               faces them. Another worker appears and closes the door behind 
               the turkeys. The turkeys remain excited until a movie comes up 
               with sweeping views of nature. The turkeys calm down, and a view 
               of clouds zipping along the sky follows. Then waterfalls. The 
               lights come up and a giant saw comes out and chops the heads 
               off all the turkeys save one. The saw rises. Only Gobbles survives, 
               and he keeps his head low as he finds a clearing. A large board 
               appears and pushes the decapitated turkeys out an opening on 
               the opposite wall. The bodies are then lifted up and returned 
               to the truck they came in, but the building they come out of 
               is 3C. Gobbles falls off the truck and ends up on the floor. 
               Jimbo and other South Park hunters pass by and notice]
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Holy crow. Look, boys! A real live wild 
                         turkey!  It's tryin' to outsmart us! 
                         Come on, fellas! 
 
               [The South Park Community Theatre, stage. The audience watches 
               as Wendy]
 
                                     WENDY
                         John, come quick! Our little baby's 
                         very sick
 
               [Stan rushes in]

               When I pout she doesn't flinch, and when she doesn't move an 
               inch.
 
                                     STAN
                         No, that cannot be. Honey you are scaring 
                         me.
 
                                     WENDY
                         She can't see hear, John. Watch. Helen!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Helen!

                                     WENDY
                         ...Helen! 

               I think our baby's deaf and blind. Oh no!

                                     STAN
                         Oh no! 

                                     WENDY
                         Oh no! Oh no!!! 

               [The South Park Community Theatre, backstage. Timmy and Lamond 
               watch Alinicia perform.]
 
                                     LAMOND
                         She's brilliant! Everyone loves her 
                         so far. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hey, the fountains you guys installed 
                         are shorting out some of our lights.
 
                         
                                     INSTALLER
                         Look, we're only here to do the water 
                         effects. We're not in charge of electrical. 
                         That's a different union.
 
                                     TIMMY
                          Timmih?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Union Mafia bastards! 

                                     LAMOND
                         Oh, heh. Look, Tim, all is well in love 
                         and theatre, right? Haha.
 
                                     TIMMY
                          Gobbles!! 

               [The South Park Community Theatre, stage. Cartman rushes up to 
               the other kids]
 
               Cartman	Were is Timmy?! He's on in one minute!

                                     KYLE
                         He's gone, dude! Butters says he saw 
                         him leave.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Leave?? Leave?? But nobody else knows 
                         the part of Helen Keller!
 
                                     JEFFREY
                          I do. I know the part. If I must, I 
                         can go on.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         ...Alright, fine! Get in costume!

               [South Park, business district, day. Timmy wheels down the street 
               past Tele's calling out...]
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Gobbles! Gobbles!

               [The barn. Gobbles returns to his prior home, and the hunters 
               follow him there]
 
                                     JIMBO
                          There it is!  Hey, hey! I saw it first! 
                         I get the first shot!  Here, turkey 
                         turkey. 
 
               [The South Park Community Theatre, stage. Stan, Kyle, Wendy, 
               and Jeffrey are in costume]
 
                                     WENDY
                         There is nothing we can do for our poor 
                         daughter. We cannot reach her.
 
                                     JEFFREY
                          I cannot hear what they are saying. 
                         I cannot tell them how I feel.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What the hell is he doing? Helen Keller 
                         isn't supposed to sing!
 
                                     JEFFREY
                         If only I could say things that go on 
                         in my mind.
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                          Oh, wow.

               [The barn. Jimbo still has Gobbles in his sights]

                                     JIMBO
                         That's it. Thaaat's it! 

                                     TIMMY
                         Gobbles! 

                                     JIMBO
                         Gotcha!

                                     TIMMY
                          Gobbles!  T-timmih?  Gobbles?  Gobbles! 
                         Haaaah. 
 
                                     JIMBO
                          Aw, thank God you're alright, kid. 
                          It was an accident, I swear. Uh, is 
                         there any way we can make it up to you?
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                          Timmih.

               [The South Park Community Theatre, stage. Bebe, and Jeffrey are 
               in costume. Bebe pumps water onto Jeffrey's hand]
 
                                     BEBE
                         Yes, that's it.  That's it, Helen. Water! 
                         WA-TER!
 
                                     JEFFREY
                         Wawa.

                                     BEBE
                         She did it!

                                     KIDS
                          She did it! She did it! Water! Water 
                         water aaaaaaaa!
 
               Water, Helen, Water.

               We can't believe she did it.The dumb kid really did it.

               Water, Helen, Water.

                                     JEFFREY
                         Now that I can communicate the world 
                         is not so cold and dark. 
 
                                     KIDS
                         
               [slowing]

               Water, Helen, Aaa-aaaaaa!

               [the waterworks go up real high and two fountainheads crash into 
               each other]
 
                                     LAMOND
                          Here it comes, angel! Your big finale! 
                         The audience is going to go wild!  Oh. 
                         Back already? Don't worry. Maynard covered 
                         your part flawlessly.
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih! 

                                     JIMBO
                         Turkey shoot! 

                                     LAMOND
                          Alinicia! Jesus, no!

                                     TIMMY
                         Aaaa, Timmih!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Okay, we're ready for the-  What the 
                         hell did you assholes do?! This is supposed 
                         to be the big finale where the turkey 
                         jumps through the ring of fire!
 
                                     KYLE
                          Hey, look! 

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                          Oh. Oh, wow! WOWuh! 

                                     CARTMAN
                          They loved it! They LOVED it!

                                     TIMMY
                         Gobbles!

               [The South Park Community Theatre, stage, night. Mr. Garrison 
               is onstage to introduce the last skit of the night]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         And finally tonight, parents, we have 
                         the South Park Kindergarten class. Their 
                         play is titled, "Thanksgiving, Mon Ami."
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Okay, here we go. 

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, it just can't be better than ours. 
                         It just can't be.
 
                                     KINDERGARTNERS
                         
               [four little pilgrims enter singing to a long table in front 
               of a cabin and a tipi]
 
               It's getting dinner. Let's all eat.

               E I E I O.

               And on that dinner we'll invite some Indians

               E I E I O.

               [four little Indians appear and take their seats at the table]
 
               
               With an Indian here and an Indian there

               Everywhere an Indian, Indian. Uh thank, thank- 

               [something pops by the middle of the table...] 

                                     PILGRIM GIRL
                          Aaaaaaa!

                                     KINDERGARTNERS
                         Happy Thanksgiving. 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Alright, see you next year, parents. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         That's it?

                                     STAN
                         We worked our asses off to compete with 
                         that?!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Butters told us their play was awesome! 
                         
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         ...Wow, did you see that? They had a horse, 
                         too!
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Gobbles, deh!

               THE END

Helen Keller, The Musical



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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