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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 312


                              "HOOKED ON MONKEY FONICS"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker






               [The Cartman house, night. Sharon brings a box into the dining 
               room.]
 
                                     LIANE
                          Eric, Mommy got you a present!

                                     CARTMAN
                          A present?? Is it a rocket racer?? 
                         No, let me guess: It's a Froagman Jay 
                         doll! No wait, I know! It's a police 
                         power chopper!
 
                                     LIANE
                         Nnno, I got you something that's going 
                         to help you win the big spelling bee 
                         tomorrow.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Mom, I'm not going to win the spelling 
                         bee; I never do.
 
                                     LIANE
                         This year is gonna be different. Look! 
                          I got you "Hooked On Monkey Fonics." 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          What the hell is "Hooked On Monkey 
                         Fonics?"
 
                                     LIANE
                         It's a new way to learn how to read 
                         and spell. And it comes with everything 
                         you need to help win that speling bee. 
                          It says we just put the cassette into 
                         a tape player 
 
                                     FEMALE VOICE
                         Welcome to "Hooked On Monkey Fonics," 
                         level 1. I will read the sounds and 
                         the monkey will help keep the beat. 
                          If your monkey arrived in the box dead, 
                         call 1-800-555-4500 to get a new monkey. 
                         Ready? Let's begin. 
 
               The learning monkey is here to say

               That reading is easy and it's okay.

               [Liane starts swaying like a metronome]

               Work with the monkey and you will learn

               To spell hard words, like "morbid" and "burn."

               Start with Card 1. [Liane holds it up] Ready? Begin! [glissant] 
               C, H. [a "ch" sound] Chalk. [the monkey plays four beats more, 
               then turns to Cartman. One more beat...] 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          C, H. "Ch." Chalk.

                                     FEMALE VOICE
                         Good. Card 2.  T, H.  There.

                                     CARTMAN
                         T, H. "Th." There. Hey, this is easy! 
                          I'm gonna win the spelling bee for 
                         sure, Mom!
 
               The 15th Annual South Park Spelling Bee Finals

               [On stage, back row, are Wendy, Kevin, Jordan, Clyde, Butters 
               and Bebe. In the front row are Token, a new boy, an empty chair, 
               Kyle, Stan, and Cartman. Off to the left, Mr. Mackey will keep 
               score, but doesn't look at all happy about it. The Mayor is front 
               and center]
 
                                     MAYOR
                         All right, everyone. Welcome to the 
                         15th Annual South Park Spelling Bee 
                         Finals!  This should be very interesting. 
                         We have with us twelve of the brightest 
                         spellers from South Park Elementary.
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                         Kyle, Kyle, he's our man. If he can't 
                         win it, I'm out 50 bucks.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         You bet money on my son to win?!

                                     JIMBO
                         Sure! When it comes to spelling bees, 
                         always bet on the Jew.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You're going down, bitch!

                                     KYLE
                         Shut up, fatass! Everyone knows I can 
                         spell better than you.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, well this year I have a secret 
                         weapon! 
 
                                     MAYOR
                         And, joining us this year, are the two 
                         home-schooled children, Rebecca and 
                         Mark Cotswolds! 
 
                                     JIMBO
                         What?! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Home-schooled kids? Who the hell are 
                         they?
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Ey, that's not fair! You can't let home-schooled 
                         kids into a public-school spelling bee!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         What's a "home-schooled kid"?

                                     STAN
                         I don't know, dude. I've never seen 
                         them before. 
 
                                     THE COTSWOLDS
                          Go, Mark! Go, Rebecca!

                                     MAYOR
                          Our first contestant is Mark Cotswolds, 
                         from home school.  All right, Mark. 
                         Your word is "conscientious."
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What?! What the fuck that that mean?
 
                         
                                     MARK
                         "Conscientious." May I have the definition, 
                         please?
 
                                     MAYOR
                         Closely attentive to details. Careful.
 
                         
                                     MARK
                         "Conscientious." Could you use it in 
                         a sentence, please?
 
                                     MAYOR
                         Mary's analysis of the spreadsheet was... 
                         conscientious.
 
                                     MARK
                         "Conscientious." C O N S C I E N T I 
                         O U S.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Holy crap! 

                                     THE COTSWOLDS
                         Way to go, Mark! Alright!

                                     MAYOR
                         Okay, our next contestant is Eric Cartman. 
                          Alright, Eric, here's your word: chair. 
                         Chaaiirr. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Come on, Fonics Monkey, drum!  Come 
                         on! 
 
                                     MAYOR
                         Eric, your word is "chair."

                                     CARTMAN
                         Uuh. Definition?

                                     MAYOR
                         Something you sit on.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Country of origin?

                                     MAYOR
                         English! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Could you please use it in a sentence?
 
                         
                                     MAYOR
                         Oh, for Christ's sake, kid! The word 
                         is "chair"!!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh- chair. C H A R E  God damnit, how 
                         come I get the hard ones?!  Get over 
                         here, you son of a bitch Fonics Monkey!
 
                         
               [The spelling bee. After several rounds, the other kids are eliminated. 
               The Cotswolds kids and Kyle are the only ones left.]
 
                                     MAYOR
                         All right, we're down to just three 
                         finalists. First up is Rebecca Cotswolds 
                         from home school.  Alright, Rebecca. 
                         Here's your word: littoral.
 
                                     REBECCA
                          "Littoral." Deh-finition?

                                     MAYOR
                         Having to do with a lake or ocean.
 
                         
                                     REBECCA
                         "Littoral." Will you please use it in 
                         a sentence?
 
                                     MAYOR
                         Gary was most interested in the littoral 
                         features of Michigan.
 
                                     REBECCA
                         "Littoral."  L I T O R A L

               Mayor	[sounding the little bell] Correct!

                                     KYLE
                          Wow! 

                                     MR. COTSWOLDS
                          Alright, Rebecca. Good job, honey. 
                         
 
                                     MAYOR
                         Now we have Kyle Broflovski.  Here we 
                         go. Krocsyldiphithic.
 
                                     KYLE
                         What??

                                     MAYOR
                         Krocsyldiphithic.

                                     KYLE
                         Definition?

                                     MAYOR
                         Something which has a krocsyldiph-like 
                         quality.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Uh, could you use it in a sentence?
 
                         
                                     MAYOR
                         Certainly. "Krocsyldiphithic" is a hard 
                         word to spell.
 
                                     KYLE
                         "Krocsyldiphic."

                                     JIMBO
                         You can do it, kid! You can do it!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         "Krocsyldiphic." C  Damnit!

                                     JIMBO
                         You little bastard, you cost me fifty 
                         bucks.  Why don't you run away and join 
                         the circus, you stupid little son of 
                         a bitch?! Aaargh!
 
                                     MAYOR
                         Congratulations, Mark and Rebecca.  
                         You are truly South Park's finest. 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Damn, dude. Those home-schooled kids 
                         are smart.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah. Too bad they have the personalities 
                         of a wet dishcloth. 
 
                                     KYLE
                          What's your name? 

                                     REBECCA
                         Guh what's in a name? 

                                     KYLE
                         Wooww.

                                     MARK
                         It was nice competing against you boys. 
                         We will have to do it again sometime.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh, yes. We must do it again.

                                     STAN
                         We've never seen you before. Do you 
                         live in the woods or something?
 
                                     MARK
                         No. I live right over there.  I've lived 
                         there all my life.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         How come you don't go to school?

                                     MARK
                         Because I'm home-schooled.

                                     STAN
                         What's that?

                                     MARK
                         My parent teach me. So I stay at home 
                         instead of going to school.
 
               Cartman;	You what? Stay at home? All day? No school?

                                     MARK
                         Right.

                                     CARTMAN
                         

               Who would have thought such a miracle could be?

               Who could have known that this moment I would see?

               A new way of living, a chance to be free?

                                     STAN
                         Shut up, Cartman?

                                     CARTMAN
                         You shut up,  butthole.

                                     STAN
                         You shut up,  gaywad!

                                     CARTMAN
                         You shut up,  ass-logger!

                                     MARK
                          Oh my goodness, are you two enemies?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Nno, we're friends.

                                     MARK
                         Strange, friends would call each other 
                         names and fight.
 
                                     STAN
                         What?

                                     MR. COTSWOLDS
                         Come, children, let's take our trophies 
                         home and place them high up on the mantel. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, what a bunch of freakin' nerdos.
 
                         
               [The Cotswolds house, night. The family is at dinner]

                                     MARK
                         Papa?

                                     MR. COTSWOLDS
                         Yes, Mark?

                                     MARK
                         Why can't I go to school with the other 
                         boys?
 
                                     MRS. COTSWOLDS
                          Oooh.

                                     MR. COTSWOLDS
                          Well, because, son, public schools 
                         are inefficient and dangerous!
 
                                     MARK
                         But I want to play with the other children. 
                         O, how they laugh and play, Papá.
 
                         
                                     MRS. COTSWOLDS
                         Mark, you have play time. You get to 
                         play in the afternoon.
 
                                     MARK
                         I just feel like I should go to public 
                         school, if only for a little while. 
                         To see what other little boys are like.
 
                         
                                     MR. COTSWOLDS
                         Mark, public schools are no good! Your 
                         mother and I were both home-schooled, 
                         and we turned out much better because 
                         of it.
 
                                     MARK
                         Please, Papá. Just let me try it for 
                         a few days.
 
                                     MR. COTSWOLDS
                         Alright. Fine, Mark! You go ahead and 
                         go to public school! You can just find 
                         out for yourself how flawed and treacherous 
                         it is!
 
                                     MARK
                         Hooray!

                                     MR. COTSWOLDS
                         You don't want to go to public school 
                         too, do you, Rebecca?
 
                                     REBECCA
                          Oh, heavens, no.

                                     MR. COTSWOLDS
                         Well, thank God for that! At least my 
                         daughter will remain safe! 
 
                                     KYLE
                          Uh, hi. Is, uh, is Rebecca home?

                                     MRS. COTSWOLDS
                         Yes she is. 

                                     KYLE
                         ...Uuh, can I talk to her?

                                     MRS. COTSWOLDS
                         Oh. Well, I suppose so. Rebecca!  This 
                         little boy wants to see you.
 
                                     REBECCA
                          Huhlo? 

                                     KYLE
                         U-u-uh, hi. 

                                     REBECCA
                         Hel-lo.

                                     KYLE
                         Huuh, I wah... just ah... well... that's all. 
                         
 
                                     MR. COTSWOLDS
                          Who was that?

                                     MRS. COTSWOLDS
                         A little boy wanted to see Rebecca.
 
                         
                                     MR. COTSWOLDS
                          Oh no. I told you the spelling bee 
                         was a bad idea.
 
                                     MRS. COTSWOLDS
                         But the children won, and they were 
                         happy to meet the other children.
 
                         
                                     MR. COTSWOLDS
                         Yes, but now I think we may have opened 
                         a Pandora's box that we can't close! 
                         
 
               [South Park Elementary, day. Mr. Garrison's class. Craig, Butters, 
               and Tweek sit in the front row.]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Hokay, children, we have a new student 
                         joining us from home school. Now, his 
                         parents are very worried about his safety, 
                         so please don't be too cruel to him. 
                         Mark? 
 
                                     MARK
                         Hey, guys. What's up?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Dude, what's wrong with you? You got 
                         some kind of John Travolta disease?
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Alright, children, let's just try to 
                         pretend there isn't a little boy in 
                         a huge plastic hamster ball here, and 
                         go on with our studies. Now, who can 
                         tell me when Columbus sailed the seas 
                         and discovered America?  Ehyes, Mark?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ey! How come you never pick me?!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Because you never know the right answer, 
                         butt-for-brains! Yes, Mark?
 
                                     MARK
                         The answer is 1492. However, the Americas 
                         had already been discovered by many 
                         before him, including the Vikings and 
                         the Native Americans. And therefore, 
                         your question is a charade.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Aww, see? That's what I was gonna say!
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well, very impressive, Mark. You should 
                         be able to throw the grading curve and 
                         flunk all these little bastards. 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Oh, God. This kid's gonna last about 
                         five seconds out on the playground.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Now, who can tell me what country Columbus 
                         was from?  Put your hand down, creampuff.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         That does it!  I do not need to sit 
                         here and be ridiculed! I'm gonna go 
                         be home-schooled from now on!
 
                                     STAN
                         You don't wanna be home-schooled, fatass.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm gonna be home-schooled, and leave 
                         all the pain and suffering of public 
                         school behind me! Screw you guys, I'm 
                         a-gonna be home-schooled! 
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, please God, let it be forever.
 
                         
               [The playground. The recess bell rings and the kids rush out 
               the door. Mark joins them in his huge hamster ball. Beside the 
               jungle gym Stan and Pip stand next to each other, with Bebe and 
               Jordan behind them]
 
                                     STAN
                         Come on, Pip, say it. Say "Please, hit 
                         me."
 
                                     PIP
                         But, if I say that, you'll hit me.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         No! I'm gonna hit you if you don't say 
                         it. If you say "Please, hit me," I won't 
                         hit you.
 
                                     PIP
                         Please, hit me.

                                     STAN
                         All right. 

                                     PIP
                         Ooowww!

                                     STAN
                         Alright, we'll try this again, Pip.
 
                         
                                     MARK
                          I don't understand. You seem to like 
                         that boy, yet hate him at the same time. 
                         
 
                                     CRAIG
                         Hey, kid. Get out of that hamster ball.
 
                         
                                     MARK
                         Oh. I promised my father I wouldn't.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Oh, boy. Sorry, dude, you're on your 
                         own. 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oowhy yu- you best do what he says, 
                         uh home-school kid. Why, this is our 
                         part of the playground, see? And uh, 
                         a-and if you don't follow our rules, 
                         whyuh, why we're gonna duct-tape ya 
                         to the bench.
 
                                     MARK
                         You mean you would actually duct-tape 
                         my entire body to a bench? For what 
                         purpose?
 
                                     CRAIG
                         Just get out of the hamster ball, or 
                         else you're gonna find out!
 
               [Mark moves to the door and opens it. The ball moves, and Butters 
               holds in in place while Mark flips his way out of it. Once he's 
               on the ground, a bunch of boys come in and crowd him. Token, 
               Bill, Tweek, Clyde, and Terrence join Craig and Butters in carrying 
               Mark to the bench.]
 
                                     BOYS
                         Okay, let's get him... 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Got it. 

                                     CRAIG
                         Have a nice second half of the day, 
                         nerdo!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeah why, why, you shouldn't be such 
                         a smart-mouthed Mr. Know-It-All!
 
                                     MARK
                         Oh, dear.

               [The Cotswolds house. Mr. and Mrs. Cotswolds pace their living 
               room, worried about their son's whereabouts]
 
                                     MR. COTSWOLDS
                         Oh, where could he be? He should've 
                         been home from public school by now.
 
                         
                                     MRS. COTSWOLDS
                         I'm sure he's alright.

                                     MR. COTSWOLDS
                          That must be him. 

                                     MRS. COTSWOLDS
                         Waaaaah! 

                                     MR. COTSWOLDS
                         Oh my God, son!

                                     MARK
                         Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. 

                                     MR. COTSWOLDS
                         Mark, what have they done to you?!
 
                         
                                     MARK
                         Well, they duct-taped me to a bench.
 
                         
                                     MRS. COTSWOLDS
                         But why?

                                     MARK
                         I don't know, mother. It didn't make 
                         any sense at all.
 
                                     MR. COTSWOLDS
                         Well, you see? This is what happens 
                         at public schools!
 
                                     MARK
                         But I want to go back tomorrow, papá.
 
                         
                                     MRS. COTSWOLDS
                         What??

                                     MARK
                         Please, just give me one more day. 
 
                         
                                     MRS. COTSWOLDS
                         What do we do?

                                     MR. COTSWOLDS
                         Well, if we're goin' to let him go back, 
                         it looks like I need to have a little 
                         talk with those other boys' fathers. 
                         
 
               [The Cotswolds house, night. A girl's bedroom is shown. Rebecca 
               is at her desk writing.]
 
                                     A VOICE
                         

               Everywhre I go, I'm thinking of you, Rebecca.

               [she stops writing and looks to the window]

               I don't know what to do, Rebecca. 

               [she hops off the chair, walks over to her toy box and hops onto 
               it]
 
               You're so nice, I'd like to get to know you better. 

               [she looks out the window. It is Kyle she sees]

               So what do you say we get together?

               You really are quite good-looking, Rebecca!

               You really are quite good-looking, Rebecca!

               Rebecca, you're really quite good-looking!

               You're a fox. 

               [she looks a bit more, then moves away from the window. Kyle 
               waits, then brightens as she returns. She drops some money down 
               to him, and it lands in the guitar case. She moves away again, 
               and he looks at the money]
 
               [The town bar. Jimbo, Ned, Randy, and Gerald sit at the bar sipping 
               some beers. As Mr. Cotswolds enters, the camera pulls back to 
               reveal Stuart McCormick, Richard Tweek, and Craig's father at 
               the bar with the others]
 
                                     MR. COTSWOLDS
                         Good evening, gentlemen. If I can have 
                         your attention for a few moments.  My 
                         son Mark was beat up in school today 
                         by your sons. I think it would be appropriate 
                         for you to talk with your sons, and 
                         instruct them to no longer tease or 
                         bother my boy. 
 
                                     RANDY
                         Uh, look, Mr....

                                     MR. COTSWOLDS
                         Cotswolds.

                                     RANDY
                         Mr. Cotswolds, we can't completely control 
                         what our kids do socially. That's..., 
                         you know, that's for them to figure 
                         out on their own.
 
                                     MR. COTSWOLDS
                         Well, obviously, they need to be coached 
                         a little better.  And furthermore, your 
                         son has been harassing my little girl! 
                         I would like you to tell him to stop.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Hey, my son is just discovering love. 
                         Maybe your daughter is, too. They-uh, 
                         they need to know about that stuff.
 
                         
                                     MR. COTSWOLDS
                         Uh, hello-o? My girl is eight years 
                         old! What does she need to know about 
                         love?
 
                                     RANDY
                         Well, something. I mean, you can't just 
                         wait until she's a teenager and expect 
                         her to figure out everything all at 
                         once.
 
                                     MR. COTSWOLDS
                         I will not tell you how to raise your 
                         children, and you will not tell me how 
                         to raise mine!
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Eh, you wanna beer or something, Cotswolds?
 
                         
                                     MR. COTSWOLDS
                         No, I don't drink beer. I just like 
                         wine coolers.
 
                                     JIMBO
                         You what??

               [The town bar, later. The men head out the door.]

                                     JIMBO
                         See ya, Cotswolds.  Thanks for stopping 
                         by.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Yeah. See ya. 

               [South Park Elementary, the cafeteria, next day. Lunchtime. Stan, 
               Kyle, and Kenny are at table]
 
                                     KYLE
                         ...I can't even get her to understand. 
                         It's like she's from another planet.
 
                         
                                     MARK
                          Can I sit here with you?

                                     STAN
                          Aw, man, if you have to.

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                          Attention, students. Don't forget that 
                         this Friday night is the South Park 
                         Elementary Bay Of Pigs Memorial Dance. 
                         We will have a very special band performing, 
                         so please come early.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey! That's it! That dance! I can ask 
                         Rebecca to go to the dance!
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, what happened to you? You're a 
                         total wuss now. 
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Heheh, yeah. You're a faggot, dude. 
                         Fuck, yeah. Hehe-eheh.)
 
                                     MARK
                         Why do you call Kyle names and laugh 
                         at him? Is he not your friend?
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, dude, but guys just do that. We 
                         rip on each other and stuff.
 
                                     MARK
                         I see. It's like, you have to mark your 
                         territory as a boy. You have to socially 
                         find your place.
 
                                     KYLE
                         What??

                                     CRAIG
                          Enjoying your lunch, nerdo?

                                     MARK
                          Ah! Stick and stones may break my bones, 
                         but words will never harm me.
 
                                     STAN
                         Ah, dude, you don't say that.

                                     MARK
                         Huh?

                                     CRAIG
                         Get him! 

                                     KYLE
                         Boy, that kid's having a hard time adjusting 
                         to public school.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah. I wonder how Cartman is doing 
                         with his home-schooling.
 
               [The Cartman house, afternoon. Cartman is in bed with a bag of 
               chips.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Eeehhh.

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Welcome to Huntin' and Killin' with 
                         Jimbo and Ned.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Eehh, shut up.  Ooohhh, yeasss.

                                     LIANE
                          Hon, are you ready for some math problems?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Eh, not right this second, mother. Put 
                         them there by the door.
 
                                     LIANE
                         Oh, all right. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Mom?

                                     LIANE
                         Yes?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Could you turn up the heat just a little?
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                         Sure, hon. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Egghhh. Dude, home-schooling rules. 
                          Yeeehhhhhhss! 
 
               [The Cotswolds house, afternoon. Kyle approaches the front door 
               and rings the bell. Rebecca answers and immediately puts her 
               hands together]
 
                                     REBECCA
                         Oh, hel-lo.

                                     KYLE
                         Hoh! Uh, Rebecca. There's this dance, 
                         see, at the school, and um,
 
                                     REBECCA
                         He-ey, would you like to come up to 
                         my room?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Huh?

                                     REBECCA
                         Woowould you like to come up to my room?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Uuuh, okay.  Gah!

               [The Cotswolds house, the living room. Mark is talking with his 
               parents]
 
                                     MR. COTSWOLDS
                         I'm sorry, son. There's nothing we can 
                         do to stop those bullies. We have to 
                         pull you out of public school.
 
                                     MARK
                         Oh, papá. Can I at least go to the dance 
                         tomorrow?
 
                                     MR. COTSWOLDS
                         Well alright, you can go, but I'll be 
                         there to supervise.
 
                                     MARK
                         Alright. 

                                     MR. COTSWOLDS
                         Mark, where's your sister?

                                     MARK
                         She's upstairs playing Doctor with that 
                         Kyle boy.
 
                                     MR. COTSWOLDS
                         Oh, alright.

                                     BOTH PARENTS
                         What?! 

                                     MRS. COTSWOLDS
                         Rebecca! Aaah! Aaaaah! Noo-hooo!

                                     MR. COTSWOLDS
                         Rebecca, don't play that perverted game! 
                         
 
                                     REBECCA
                         I have to extricate a rr-region in his 
                         cerebral cortex, or risk ih-nfection 
                         to the synaptic responses.
 
                                     MR. COTSWOLDS
                         Ah. Alright. Rebecca. But it's time 
                         to start your home-schooling! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Rebecca, there's this dance, see, the 
                         South Park Elementary Bay Of Pigs Memorial 
                         Dance, and uh, now I was wondering, 
                         ih-ih-ih if you wanna go.
 
                                     REBECCA
                          Hhm. Alright, I guess I'll go.

                                     KYLE
                         You will?

                                     REBECCA
                          I guess. Are you gonna go? Maybe I'll 
                         see you there.
 
                                     KYLE
                         No no. I mean, go with me.

                                     REBECCA
                         Oh, I'm sure Father will give me a ride. 
                         
 
               [The Cartman house, his bedroom. He still looks sleepy.]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ahhhhhhhhh.  Ahhhhhhhhh-ahhhh. Tired, 
                         tired.
 
                                     LIANE
                          Eric, I got you a new history textbook. 
                         Why don't you come downstairs.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Wwaargh. Not right now, Mom. 

                                     LIANE
                         Eric, please. We have to do some studying 
                         today.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I am studying, Mom. I'm learning with 
                         the Fonics Monkey. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Hey, fatass, how's home-schooling going?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh, it's soo sweet, you guys.

                                     STAN
                         Well, get your ass out of bed!  We have 
                         to go deal with that home-school kid!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Huh, I can't. I'm too tired.  Maybe 
                         tomorrow.
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Hey, can I have that?)  (Heey.)

                                     STAN
                         But the big dance is tomorrow and all 
                         the guys are gonna duct-tape him to 
                         a flagpole.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          That sounds cool. Maybe I'll go to 
                         that.
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Hey!)  (Hey, Cartman, help me.)

                                     CARTMAN
                         Stop it, Fonics Monkey!  I'm warning 
                         you! Stop that, Fonics Monkey! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh my God, Fonics Monkey killed Kenny!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         You're damn straight, he did.

               [The Cotswolds house, later that afternoon. Kyle is in the backyard 
               waiting for Rebecca. She comes out and closes the sliding door.]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         You got my note?

                                     REBECCA
                          Uh of course. You taped it to my dog; 
                         how could I not see it?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Uh, can we sit down?

                                     REBECCA
                         Wha-y noh-ot?  Isn't Papa's garden beautiful? 
                         He works so hard on it. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Rebecca, don't you ever... look at the 
                         town? At that...  flicker of light over 
                         there?
 
                                     REBECCA
                         I...  have looked at it.

                                     KYLE
                         Well, that's a public school. And in 
                         it there are children,  just like us.
 
                         
                                     REBECCA
                         How can children go to school on a f-licker 
                         of light?
 
                                     KYLE
                         From public school, your house is just 
                         a flicker of light.  Don't you want 
                         to go out? All you do is... stay in your 
                         house and... study
 
                                     REBECCA
                         Well, what else would one do?

                                     KYLE
                         Love, for one thing.

                                     REBECCA
                         And woowhat is love?

                                     KYLE
                         Love ...is the most important thing on... 
                         earth. When boys and girls feel ...love, 
                         they kiss.
 
                                     REBECCA
                         Woowhat means "ki-iss"?

                                     KYLE
                         When a man and a woman feel ...love... they 
                         put their lips together.
 
                                     REBECCA
                         Oh, you mean a-a mate. When it is time 
                         to increase the herd, my provider will 
                         select one for me.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Rebecca, in public school,  we select 
                         our... own mate.  In public school, men 
                         and women get together. Make each other 
                         happy.
 
                                     REBECCA
                         You certainly come from a silly place. 
                         Still, I should like to try that... kiss. 
                          So I cold write about it.  How do we 
                         do it?
 
                                     KYLE
                         I'm not completely sure.

                                     REBECCA
                         Should we...  l-look it up?

                                     KYLE
                         No, I think it's something you have 
                         to try a few times. Until you get it... 
                         right. 
 
                                     REBECCA
                         Wow. Wow, that was fun! 

                                     KYLE
                         Dah.  Does that mean you'll go to the 
                         dance?
 
                                     REBECCA
                         Y-you bet your sweet a-ass I will.
 
                         
                                     CRAIG
                         Alright, here's the plan. Tomorrow night 
                         at the dance, when none of the chaperones 
                         are looking, you guys go grab Mark. 
                         Bring him out here, and then we're gonna 
                         duct-tape him to this flagpole.
 
                                     STAN
                         Are you sure? He can be out here all 
                         night on the flagpole.
 
                                     CRAIG
                         That's the point, buttpipe.

                                     STAN
                         Don't call me a buttpipe, buttpipe!
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Wewell, come on. We gotta buy us some 
                         more duct tape.
 
                                     BOYS
                         Hooray! 

                                     BILL
                         Hooray. 

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          Alright, here's the plan. All we gotta 
                         do is volunteer to chaperone the dance 
                         tomorrow. 
 
                                     RANDY
                         Uhwhy do we want to all chaperone the 
                         dance?
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Because Cotswolds is gonna to live there. 
                         And when he shows up, we all grab him, 
                         bring him out here, and duct-tape him 
                         to the flagpole!
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         The flagpole! That's great! 

                                     JIMBO
                         Come on! We gotta buy more duct tape.
 
                         
                                     MEN
                          Alright!

               [South Park Elementary, night. It's Friday and the kids are gathering 
               in the gym for the dance. Mark is already in the crowd, but the 
               time is not yet. There isn't much to dance to, but kids dance 
               anyway. Wendy and Bebe hop back and forth. Tweek dances as well. 
               Pip is dancing in the background. Jordan and Clyde, Token and 
               the redhead, Kevin, Terrence and Fosse, and the tattered kid 
               stand around.]
 
                                     STAN
                          Dude, we're gonna go duct-tape that 
                         Mark kid to the bleachers. You wanna 
                         help? 
 
                                     KYLE
                          I can't. I have to wait for Rebecca 
                         to show up.
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh, brother! 

                                     KYLE
                         Don't you "Oh, brother" me! She's the 
                         woman of my dreams!
 
                                     STAN
                         You suck now, Kyle! 

                                     KYLE
                         You suck!

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                          Boys and girls, can I have your attention, 
                         please? This year we have a very special 
                         guest performing the South Park Elementary 
                         Bay Of Pigs Memorial Dance. He was a 
                         musical force in the '70's and '80's. 
                         Please welcome Ronnie James Dio! 
 
                         
                                     DIO
                         Are you ready to rock, boys and girls?! 
                          I said, are you ready to rock?!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh, uuh, sure uh, I guess.

                                     DIO
                         Then let's hit it!  I know you all remember 
                         this one. It's off my first solo album. 
                         The song that you all helped me make 
                         number 1.
 
               Holy Diver, you've been down too long in the midnight sea.

               Oh, what's-

                                     CRAIG
                          Hey, there he is! There's the home-schooled 
                         kid!  Come on! Let's go duct-tape him 
                         to the flagpole! 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hey, isn't that the home-schooled kid's 
                         sister? 
 
                                     REBECCA
                          Hi, guys. 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Woo-oh Holy Cow! 

                                     REBECCA
                          He-ey, baby. Come s-see me later, 'kay? 
                         
 
                                     TOKEN
                         What the-? Damn, baby. 

                                     REBECCA
                          Hey, Kyle. Wanna go make out?

                                     KYLE
                         Rebecca. You...

                                     MARK
                          Rebecca, what the devil are you doing? 
                         
 
                                     REBECCA
                         I'm... having... fun, Mark. 

                                     PIP
                         Oh, my goodness! 

                                     MARK
                         You're out of control.  You did this 
                         to my sister!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Uh. All I did was show her how to-
 
                         
                                     MARK
                         You made my sister into a slut! I'll 
                         kill you! 
 
                                     KYLE
                          Aaaah!

                                     MARK
                          You dip! I'm gonna whip your bitch 
                         ass! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Ooww!

                                     CRAIG
                         Oh my God!

                                     STAN
                         Dude, he's kicking the crap out of Kyle!
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeah. He's a badass! 

                                     RANDY
                          Alright, alright, that's enough, boys. 
                         
 
                                     MARK
                         ...I'm not through with you, bitch! 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Hey, you're pretty cool, Mark. 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeah, tha-that was real badass how you 
                         stood up for your sister. Uh-uh-I'd 
                         have kicked Kyle's bitch ass, too.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Do you wanna go have some cake with 
                         me, Mark? 
 
                                     CRAIG
                          No! He's my friend!

                                     BUTTERS
                          Eh, he said he'd hang out with me! 
                         
 
                                     MR. COTSWOLDS
                          They've got to be here somewhere.
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                         Hey, there's Cotswolds. Come on! Let's 
                         duct-tape him to the flagpole!
 
                                     MEN
                         Yeah! 

                                     MR. COTSWOLDS
                         Where are my children?! I'm taking them 
                         out of this God-forsaken place!
 
                                     MARK
                          Calm down, papá!  Everything is all 
                         right.  You see, I've learned something 
                         today. Public schools may be a bit lacking 
                         in education, but it's the main place 
                         where children learn all of their social 
                         skills. You can't teach a child social 
                         skills. They have to learn them themselves. 
                         And the only place to do that is on 
                         the playground, in the cafeteria, and 
                         so on.  Don't you see, papá? That's 
                         what happened to your daughter. You 
                         tried so hard to keep her from anythng 
                         sexual, and now look at her. She's a 
                         God-damned whore, papá. 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well, she sure is.

                                     MARK
                         I know letting your kids out into the 
                         world is scary. I know you wish nothing 
                         bad would ever happen to us. But bad 
                         things will happen, and we have to start 
                         learning now how to deal with those 
                         things. 
 
                                     MR. COTSWOLDS
                         Mark. You're absolutely right.  Okay, 
                         childdren. If it's what you want, you 
                         can start going to public school.
 
                         
                                     KIDS
                         Alright! 

                                     STAN
                          Nice speech, nerdo.

                                     MARK
                         Thanks, gaywad. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Now you're gettin' it.

                                     JIMBO
                         Well, come on, guys. If I'm not mistaken, 
                         we still have someone to duct-tape to 
                         the flagpole!
 
                                     MEN
                         Hooray!

                                     MR. COTSWOLDS
                         What?! 

                                     MARK
                         See ya, papá! 

                                     DIO
                         Well, I'm glad we all learned something 
                         today, kids. Now, let's dance! 
 
               [End of Hooked On Monkey Fonics

               
               Holy Diver, you've been down too long in the midnight sea.

               Oh, what's becoming of me?

               Ride the tiger. You can see his stripes but you know he's clean.
 
               
               Oh, don't you see what I mean?

               Gotta get away, Holy Diver.]

Hooked On Monkey Fonics



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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