"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 510
"HOW TO EAT WITH YOUR BUTT"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park Elementary School Gym, day. Stan is seated on a stool
none too pleased before a backdrop of a meadow. Behind the photographer
are the kindergartners and Mr. Adler's class]
PHOTOGRAPHER
Okay, now lift your chin a little.
Look right here. Right here. Hey, where's
my smile? Come on, I bet you got a smile
for me. I-I'm startin' to see a smile.
There it is. Okay great next.
STAN
I didn't smile.
KYLE
I hate picture day at school! It's always
some gay-ass photographer with some
gay-ass backdrop of New England!
BUTTERS
Ah, hang on a second. My mom said to
make sure I look good this time in...
the school pictures.
PHOTOGRAPHER
Okay, smile Okay, next?
STAN
Did you go yet?
KYLE
No. This is taking forever.
CARTMAN
You guys! You guys! This is sooo funny!
KYLE
What, Cartman?
CARTMAN
Dude, check it out: for picture day,
Kenny got into hiis parka backwards,
so that his ass shows through his hood.
Look! . Kenny, Kenny, over here!
KYLE
It isn't that funny, Cartman.
CARTMAN
Yes it is!
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Next in line! Come on, let's keep it
moving, kids!
CARTMAN
...Don't listen to that Jew, Kenny,
it's totally funny.
PHOTOGRAPHER
Take off your hat, please?
KYLE
But I never take off my hat.
PHOTOGRAPHER
Come on now, I bet your parents want
a picture of YOU lookin' natural.
KYLE
This is how I look natural.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Kyle, we're taking pictures without
hats today!
KYLE
Crap!
PHOTOGRAPHER
Snile! Come on, where's that smile?
Is it gonna kill you to smile? I see
a smile.
KYLE
Gayass!
PHOTOGRAPHER
Very nice. Okay, last one?
CARTMAN
Uh oh.
PHOTOGRAPHER
Okay, have a seat, young man. Well,
okay, lookin' great.Now where's that
smile? Come on, give me a nice, wide
smile. Wider. Perfect!
CARTMAN
Huh, how long 'til we get the pictures
back?
PHOTOGRAPHER
Should be about four days.
CARTMAN
Four days?? Oh man, I can't wait that
long!
[South Park Elementary, four days later, day. Inside, in Ms.
Choksondik's class, Cartman is fidgeting rather loudly in his
desk]
CARTMAN
Heh, c'mon! C'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon!
C'mon c'mon! C'mon c'mon c'mon!
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Alright, class, I have your school photos
to hand out-
CARTMAN
YES! YES!
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Most of them are very nice. But, apparently,
one of you thinks it's fun to spoil
their school pictures , and thinks he's
a comedian. That person will be spending
the afternoon in the principal's office!
KENNY
: (Aww, that's bullshit!)
MS. CHOKSONDIK
School photos aren't for joking around,
so you aren't getting your photo back,
Butters!
BUTTERS
Um-me?? Huh but I didn't do nothin'.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
For the rest of you, I think your pictures
turned out very nicely.
BUTTERS
But, buut, but but what hey! Wait a
minute!
CARTMAN
Let me see!
BUTTERS
Bu-but Teacher, I didn't mean to look
stupid in my picture. Honest!
CARTMAN
Dude, dude! Check it out! This is the
sweetest thing I've ever done!
KENNY
(You've ever done?!)
CARTMAN
Look at how the crap ...is sittin'
right in the middle!
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Eric, calm down. I'm trying to yell
at Butters!
CARTMAN
Okay, hokay, I'm sorry Ms. Chokesonrocks!
MS. CHOKSONDIK
You know very well my name isn't Chokesonrocks,
it's Choksondik! Say it right or you
can go to the principal's with Butters!
CARTMAN
I'm sorry Ms. Choksondik.
BUTTERS
I tried to make a good picture. Honest.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Your mother is waiting for you in the
principal's office.
BUTTERS
My mom? Oh, sweet Jesus!
CARTMAN
Hoh, Oh my God! More people have to
see this picture, you guys. I'm gonna
put it on the Internet or... No, wait!
Kenny. I just had the greatest idea...
ever!
[Dairy Gold Milk Company, day. A receptionist in blue suit sits
at her desk. The doors open and Cartman enters]
RECEPTIONIST
Welcome to South Park Milk Company.
Can I help you?
CARTMAN
Oh, yes, hello. I am helping out a family
who has a missing child, and I was wondering
if you could print his photo on your
milk carton?
RECEPTIONIST
Oh, of course. Printing those photos
on our milk really does help. Do you
have the photo with you?
CARTMAN
Yes, I have it right hmya.
RECEPTIONIST
O-okay, great. We'll print it immediately.
CARTMAN
You will? Ah. Oh, ah, thank you for
your help.
RECEPTIONIST
Sure. If I could get a description of
the child to pring underneath the photo?
CARTMAN
Oh, yehes. Uh-heh. He has ah, blond
hair, aha-and, ah, and a brown eye.
Brown eye!
RECEPTIONIST
Okay, brown eye...
CARTMAN
And, and big rosy cheeks!
RECEPTIONIST
...Full cheeks...
CARTMAN
Full cheeks! Winking brown eye, brown
eye winking!
[Stan's house, day. A TV is heard.]
REPORTER
Ms. Hamilton was the fourth person to
be run over by a motorcycle this week,
leaving a city to ponder, who will be
next?
KYLE
Hello?
CARTMAN
You guys! You guys! You guys!
KYLE
Hello?
CARTMAN
...You guys!...
KYLE
Cartman?
CARTMAN
You guys! You guys! You guys! Hurry.
STAN
What's he want?
KYLE
I don't know. Let's go see.
[Cartman's house, minutes later. Cartman can be heard laughing
inside as Stan and Kyle approach his door. Kyle rings the doorbell
and Cartman answers, still laughing.]
KYLE
Why'd you call us?
CARTMAN
Come on. Come on. Come on. Oho, this
is so sweet! You guys, seriously, this
is sooo sweet!
STAN
Goddamnit Cartman, what?!
KYLE
...You put Kenny's pictuer on a milk
carton??
CARTMAN
Look at, look at the description. Brown
eye!
STAN
That isn't funny, Cartman.
CARTMAN
Oh, it's soo completely funny!! Ahaha
this is certainly funny!!
KYLE
No it's not, Cartman. You know, there
really are couples out there who are
missing children.
CARTMAN
No there aren't. Jesus, grow up, you
guys.
[A house in Wisconsin. A woman enters her kitchen with some groceries
and sets them on the kitchen counter next to the sink. She pulls
them out one by one, but stops when she pulls out the milk carton.]
WOMAN
Oh my God. Oh my God! Steven! Steven,
come quick!
STEVEN
What is it, Martha?
MARTHA
Look. It's him! It's... our son.
STEVEN
Our ssson!
[Dairy Gold Milk Company, day, a few days later. The Wisconsin
couple are at the Dairy Gold Milk Company, talking to the receptionist.
Their "s" and sometimes "th" comes out sounding like a raspberry]
MARTHA
...and so that's when I called out to
my husband. I just knew the boy picture
on your milk carton was our little Tommy.
RECEPTIONIST
... yes, I see. Uh, but the child
on the milk carton was reported missing,
not found.
STEVEN
We realize that. But we just thought
that maybe someone else had found Tommy,
and then lost him again. We're pretty
certain that it's our boy, considering
his physical appearance. Martha and
I have the... same condition.
RECEPTIONIST
...Riiight.
STEVEN
You may not have realized this, but
we actually have buttocks where our
heads should be.
RECEPTIONIST
...Really?
STEVEN
Yes.
MARTHA
Steven and I have a comdition called
"torsonic polarity symdrome." It's a
birth defect that's passed on genetically.
STEVEN
Over eleven people worldwide suffer
from TPS
RECEPTIONIST
Hmm, hmm, that's am-, that's amazing.
STEVEN
Martha and I were lucky enough to meet
each other at a TPS convention in France.
RECEPTIONIST
So... do you have heads down where your
rear ends should be?
STEVEN
No no, don't be silly. You see, with
TPS, the birth defect is on the exterior
only. Behind this we still have all
our vital head organs - tongue, eyes,
nasal passages...
RECEPTIONIST
Well, Mr. and Mrs...
STEVEN
Uh, Thompssson.
RECEPTIONIST
...Thompson. Uh, I'll contact the young
boy who gave me the photo, and perhaps
we can all visit him together.
MARTHA
Oh, wonderful! Steven, we're goin' to
see Tommy again!
STEVEN
Now, Martha, what did I say about getting
our hopesss up?
MARTHA
You're right. You're right.
[Cartman's house, moments later. Cartman is laughing his ass
off on the sofa when Stan and Kyle return to see him.]
KYLE
...Okay Cartman, what do you want this
time?
CARTMAN
Oho, you guys, you guys! Oh my God.
Okay, okay, so get this, get this:
The milk company calls me, right? And
they call me and say that two people
from Wisconsin... saw the picture of
Kenny on the milk carton, and they think
it's their kid.
STAN
...Dude, that's not funny if they're
missing their son.
CARTMAN
No, nonono! Because apparently these
two people... also kind of look like
they have butts where their heads should
be!
KYLE
...Nuh uh.
CARTMAN
Oh yes! And the best part is... they're
coming here, to my house. And it's gonna
be sooo funny!! Oh Jesus, that's probably
them now! Okay, you guys, just play
it cool, just play it-, just-sshh. No,
sshh, you guys, sshh. Just- okay No.
Okay, okay, no, you guys, sh, sh.
MARTHA
Hello, we're Mr. and Mrs. Thompson.
CARTMAN
Oh God.
KYLE
Hohly crahap, duhude, heh!
STAN
No way!
STEVEN
We understand you've seen our son.
CARTMAN
Oh my... God.
STAN
Cartman, where are you going??
MARTHA
Uh, excuse me, boys, do you know anything
about this?
KYLE
Uh
STAN
Oh boy.
KYLE
Eh-heh. L-look, if you want an explanation,
you yuhou'd better go to Kenny's house.
STAN
Yeah. He lives about four houses away
in the bad side of tahown.
MARTHA
Oh thank you. Thank you!
RECEPTIONIST
Well?
STEVEN
They said to inquire four houses down.
MARTHA
Let's hurry!
[Cartman's room, moments later. Cartman is at a loss for words
and looks scared. The door opens and Kyle and Stan walk in.]
KYLE
Ehheh, Cartman, what the hell are you
doing?
STAN
Yeah, you missed them turning around.
CARTMAN
You guys, something's wrong.
STAN
What?
CARTMAN
I think... I.. just.. saw the funniest
thing I'll ever see. And I... think...
I... blew a funny fuse.
KYLE
Blew a funny fuse?
CARTMAN
It was just too much and my sense of
humor overloaded. I don't think anything
will ever be funny again. Oh God. What
have I got?
CLYDE
You mean they both have butts instead
of heads?
STAN
Yeah, dude, we'll show you. They're
over at Kenny's.
TOKEN
How do they eat?
STAN
How the hell should we know?
KYLE
: Butters! Hey Butters! You have to
check this out!
BUTTERS
W-what?
KYLE
You gotta come to Kenny's house with
us.
STAN
There's these two people with asses
where their heads should be.
BUTTERS
Ahah-I can't, fellas. Ah-I'm grounded
for lookin' stupid in my school picture.
STAN
But dude, you gotta see it; it's hysterical!
CAROL
Butters can't come out and play, boys.
He thinks it's funny to look like a
jackass in his school pictures that
I have to pay for!
BUTTERS
Huh, but I told you mom: ah-I didn't
mean to look... like a jackass, eh.
It just happened.
CAROL
You made a goofy face!
BUTTERS
No! That's just what I look like. See?
CAROL
...Don't you make that face at me,
young man!
BUTTERS
I'm not makin' a face, mom!
CAROL
Stop it!
CRAIG
...Come on, we wanna see the ass people.
KYLE
Alright.
CAROL
Fine Butters! If you don't wanna stop
making that stupid face at me, you can
just stay in your room for another week!
BUTTERS
Another week? I hate my stupid face.
[Mr. Mackey's office, day. Cartman is on the couch laying on
his back...]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Okay Eric, as your counselor, uh I want
you to feel comfortable talking about
anything, m'kay?
CARTMAN
Mr. Mackey, is it possible that you
can see something so funny that it ruins
your sense of humor forever?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Well, I can't think of anything that
would be THAT funny.
CARTMAN
Two people with asses for heads. Ever
since I saw them I can't laugh at anything.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Oh, I see, well... Well, what did you
used to think was funny?
CARTMAN
You know, all the usual stuff. Dirty
jokes, funny movies, seeing someone
die... This morning, I even saw a little
girl get her fingers caught in a car
poicture and... I couldn't laugh. I
mean I... I knew it was funny, but I
couldn't laugh.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Well Eric, I suppose that, just like
everything else, laughter can be relative
- in, in other words, sometimes people
see somethin' so scary that nothin'
else scares them, so, the same could
be true for funny things.
CARTMAN
So does that mean I'll never laugh
again?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
It's possible, hm'kay? But you know,
if you have completely lost your sense
of humor, you can always become a writer
for the show, "Friends" .Ohokahay, huhuh.
CARTMAN
Ugh.
[The McCormick house, later. The Thompsons' car is parked outside,
on the street. Inside, the McCormicks, the Thompsons and the
receptionist are seated around the coffee table. A brick has
replaced two of its legs. Kenny stands beside his mother.]
MRS. MCCORMICK
...and so you see, our son was just
playing a joke and the little fat kid
put it on the carton.
MARTHA
Yes. Yes, I see.
MRS. MCCORMICK
Kenny, don't you think you owe the Thompsons
an apology?
MARTHA
...No, it was foolish for us to get
our hopes up.
STEVEN
It was just such a coincidence, considering
the photo. You may not have realized
this, but Martha and I have buttocks
where our heads should be.
STUART AND WIFE
Really?
RECEPTIONIST
Mr. and Mrs. Thompson, how long has
it been since you've seen your son?
STEVEN
Tommy disappeared when he was only seven.
MARTHA
Oh, Steven, it's like it's all happening
all over again.
MRS. MCCORMICK
There there now.
RECEPTIONIST
Please, Mrs. Thompson, it'll be alright.
Listen, the South Park Dairy Company
is the country's largest. We find lost
children all the time. We can help
you find Tommy with the company's database!
MRS. MCCORMICK
Yes, well, aaah-I'll help you find
your son. Just stop cryin', Please,
for the love of God, stop cryin'!
MARTHA
Ah, agh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
RECEPTIONIST
Mr. Thompson, how did your son become
missing? Was he abducted?
STEVEN
Yes. He was in the care of our nanny
at the time.
MARTHA
The nanny that we trusted so much took
off with him and we still don't know
why. We think perhaps she wanted a
child of her own.
RECEPTIONIST
And this was back in Wisconsin?
STEVEN
Yes, but we last heard the nanny was
heading west. That's why we thought
Colorado made sssssense.
MARTHA
We've tried every avenue to find him,
but, we've never tried the milk company.
RECEPTIONIST
Well you just give us a try. I think
you'll find that South Park Milk is
not only the best resource for finding
kids, but also the best producer of
the freshest 2% lowfat milk the world
can offer.
MARTHA
Thank you. Thank you so much for helping
us.
STEVEN
This certainly is a friendly town.
You've all been sssssso wonderful.
MARTHA
Yes, I'm so grateful I just wanna cry
again.
[The Bijou Theater, day. "Grossout Comedy 8" is playing there.
Inside, Cartman sits amid a bunch of older folk]
MALE 1
Dude, why are you wearing Shalayna's
panties?
MALE 2
I have to wear Shalayna's panties. Lisa's
were in the wash. Look, can we just
get this over with?
MALE 1
But dude, I can't French-kiss him. He's
my grandpa!
MALE 2
Come on, dude.
MALE 1
Oh, alright Here it goes. Come'ere,
Grandpa.
AUDIENCE
Aww
CARTMAN
Oh, dude, oh.
TEEN
Dude, what's wrong with you?
CARTMAN
Nothing's wrong with me. Uh-
MALE 1
Well, I'm glad that's over with. We'd
better go back to the house now to see
how Chris is doing.
[Dairy Gold Milk Company, day. An official leads the Thompsons
through the factory. Cows are lined up in their stalls eating
from personal troughs.]
PRESIDENT
Uh Mr. and Mrs. Thompson, as President
of the South Park Milk Company, I want
to apologize personally for printing
that falsified picture on our milk cartons.
STEVEN
Please, please. It's not your fault.
PRESIDENT
Ye-yes, but here at South Park Milk
we strive for excellence. For instance,
we are now entering the extraction room.
As you can see, we keep it close to
the refrigeration room. That way we
can get the milk to the container as
fast as possible. That's why some say
South Park milk tastes like you're suckin'
it right from the cow's tits yourself.
MARTHA
Amazing.
PRESIDENT
Here, try a glass of our cold Vitamin
D. And our fresh scones.
STEVEN
Delicious.
MARTHA
Oh, excuse me. A little... difficult
to drink with our condition.
STEVEN
Martha and I actually have buttocks
where our heads should be.
PRESIDENT
Really? Well. And in here we have our
Missing Child Resource Center.
MARTHA
Oh my, isn't this impressive?
PRESIDENT
Yes. With the Kelrom 4000, Mrs. Garthunk
can search a database of over 30 million
missing child cases.
MRS. GARTHUNK
We'll start the computer on a data
search. Now, when did your son turn
up missing?
STEVEN
Well, it was 1982. Tommy was only six
at the time.
MRS. GARTHUNK
Alright then. Computer...
COMPUTER
Workiiing.
MRS. GARTHUNK
Run a scan of missing children since
1982. Check for physical birth defects
called TPS.
COMPUTER
TPS. Torsonic Polarity Syndrome. Child
missing since 1982. Workiiing.
PRESIDENT
So you actually haven't seen your son
in over 20 years?
MARTHA
That's right.
MRS. GARTHUNK
But then, why did you think the picture
of Kenny was him. Wouldn't your son
be much older now?
STEVEN
Yes, but since he appeared to be at
least eight in the photo, we assumed
someone had seen him since we did.
MARTHA
This is the only photo we have of our
little Tommy.
MRS. GARTHUNK
It's gonna take quite a while for the
computer to do a scan of all missing
kids.
PRESIDENT
Well, why don't we let Mrs. Garthunk
do her work, and I'll take you two out
for some good old Colorado chili.
STEVEN
We don't really like chili; it makes
us throw up.
[Cartman's house, living room, day. The door bell rings and Eric
answers it. Jimmy stands at the entrance]
JIMMY
Well, hello, Eric. I was really glad
you called me, very much.
CARTMAN
Jimmy! Thank God! Get in here!
JIMMY
What's this all about?
CARTMAN
Jimmy, you've always been my favorite
standup comic. You've gotta help me.
I've lost my sense of humor.
JIMMY
Gee, that's a terrible thing, Eric.
Um comedy can be the best therapy, very
much.
CARTMAN
I just have to find my funny bone again!
Just try and make me laugh.
JIMMY
Oh, I don't think that'll be hard. I've
been working on my rr... routine.
CARTMAN
Okay, let me have it.
JIMMY
Okay. Try this one on for size: Why
did the... pigeon cross the road?
CARTMAN
Okay, why?
JIMMY
Because it was having sex with the chihi...
Because it was having sex with the ch-hi-hi...
Because it was having sex with the ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch...
eh, it was having sex with the ch-ch-hiicken.
CARTMAN
...Naw, see? Somethng's wrong. I'm not
laughing.
JIMMY
Wow, what a great audience... How about
this classic? Knock-knock.
CARTMAN
Who's there?
JIMMY
Orange.
CARTMAN
Orange who?
JIMMY
Orange you glad I didn't say banoo'n?
Orange you glad I didn't say banoo'n?
Orange you glad I didn't say bbb? Orange
you glad I didn't say beh buhuhnnnaana?
CARTMAN
...naw, that didn't work either.
JIMMY
Wow, w-what a great audience... Knock-knock.
CARTMAN
Who's there?
JIMMY
An interrupting ca'ow.
CARTMAN
An interrupting cow who
JIMMY
Moooooo! ...What a terrific audience.
[Dairy Gold Milk Company, day. Mrs. Garthunk is still at the
computer doing her search]
MRS. GARTHUNK
Hah, let's see. The Dallas-Ft. Wroth
area. I haven't tried there yet. Computer?
COMPUTER
Workiiing.
MRS. GARTHUNK
Scan for any children reported found
in the Dallas-Ft. Wroth area, with a
facial deformity.
COMPUTER
Workiiing. Negative.
MRS. GARTHUNK
Ugh. This is hopeless! ...Wait a minute,
let's try it this way: Computer?
COMPUTER
Workiiing.
MRS. GARTHUNK
Scan databanks for children who reported
their parents missing.
COMPUTER
Workiiing. One million six thousand
hits.
MRS. GARTHUNK
Alright, then break it down to claims
in the past twenty years.
COMPUTER
Workiiing. Three hundred twenty-one
thousand hits.
MRS. GARTHUNK
Alright, now run a scan on homogenized
versus pasteurized skim milk.
COMPUTER
In skim form, homogenized has longer
shelf life by 2.3 weeks.
MRS. GARTHUNK
Okaaay, okay, now give me a breakdown
of people who are seeking their parents
who also suffer from a disease called
T P S.
COMPUTER
Torsonic Polarity Syndrome, plus, a
claim to not know parents: one match
MRS. GARTHUNK
Bingo. Do you have a photo
COMPUTER
Printiiing.
MRS. GARTHUNK
My God. Oh my God!
[Sidewalk, day. Six boys walk down the street again, only Kenny
has replaced Tweek among the boys. They stop at Butters' house
again,and again, Kyle calls out.]
KYLE
Butters! Hey Butters!
BUTTERS
Hehyeah?
KYLE
They found the butt-face people's son,
Butters. They're gonna have a big reunion
at the milk company!
BUTTERS
Aw gee, thah-at sounds swell, fellas,
but I can't go 'cause I'm still havin'
behavioral problems.
STAN
Why are you wearing a paper bag on your
head?
BUTTERS
Uh, my parents are makin' me wear this
paper bag until I learn... to stop makin'
silly faces all the time. They've really
had it up to here with me.
BUTTERS' DAD
Butters? Are you ready to stop with
the stupid faces?
BUTTERS
I sure am, Dad!
BUTTERS' DAD
Alright, you can take the paper bag
off.
BUTTERS
Thanks, Dad! Ah I'm sorry I was bad-
BUTTERS' DAD
Oh, very funny, young man! You think
it's clever to make yourself up like
a girl?!
BUTTERS
Hububut Dad, ah I didn't lick a-
BUTTERS' DAD
Did you use your mother's makeup?! She's
gonna be furious!
BUTTERS
I'm not wearin' makeup Dad! I uh-
BUTTERS' DAD
Put that bag back on!
BUTTERS
Yes, sir.
KYLE
Dude, that poor kid.
CLYDE
Yeah, we gotta remember to kick his
ass tomorrow.
[Cartman's room, day. Cartman sits on his bed dejected. He's
unwrapped a box and a gun sits on his bed to his left, a notepad
and pencil to his right. He picks up the pad and pencil and writes...]
CARTMAN
Dear Mom:
I can no longer stand to be without a sense of humor. Without
laughter, the world is a cold and sad place, and I can't go out
to face it anymore. Please tell everyone why I won't be at school.
[He sets the notepad down and looks at it for a moment, then
he reaches over for the gun. He opens his mouth and puts the
barrel of the gun in... and bites it off. It's a chocolate gun,
and he sets the remainder down on the bed again.]
CARTMAN
And please buy me more chocolate guns. I'm starting to run out.
[He picks up the chocolate again and takes another bite. Then
he looks at the box the gun came in]
CARTMAN
Please get the kind with marshmallow inside. I don't like the
peanut-butter filled one.
Eric.
[Dairy Gold Milk Company, day. A TV 4 news van and crew are present.
Some of the factory workers are present in the background as
the president of the company stands behind some microphones.
The Thompsons stand next to the preisdent. A sign behind them
asks, "Got Missing Kids?"]
PRESIDENT
And so it is with great pride that we
have flown little Billy Thompson out
here, to be reunited with his parents
for the first time in twenty years.
Mrs. Garthunk?
MRS. GARTHUNK
Thank you, Mr. President. I'm proud
to be an employee of South Park Milk,
which to date has found over a hundred
thousand missing kids, and, led the
way in the fight against curdling. Mr.
and Mrs. Thompson, your son grew up
not knowing who his parents were. But
he was strong and resilient, and ended
up becoming very successful. I think
it will amaze you as it will all of
us to learn that your son... is Ben
Affleck!
PRESIDENT
Come around here, Ben!
BEN AFFLECK
Mom! Dad!
STEVEN
Son!
MARTHA
Oh, son!
CARTMAN
What's goin' on?
STAN
Dude, the ass-faces' son is Ben Affleck!
STEVEN
Oh, our same ol' Ben!
MARTHA
Oh, I'm so happy!
MR. GARRISON
Wow, I never realized Ben had TPS, but
I definitely see the resemblance now.
STEVEN
Aw, son.
PRESIDENT
Isn't this wonderful?
PHOTOGRAPHER
Okay gang, give me a big smile.
KYLE
Well, looks like everything turned out
alright for them.
CARTMAN
Yeah, I guess now we'll have to call
him Ben Assfleck. Ben Assfleck, say
that's funny.
STAN
Hey, you're laughng, Cartman.
CARTMAN
Hehey, you're right! Oho, this is great!
Ben Assfleck!
KYLE
Well wait a minute. Don't you see what
happened?
CARTMAN
A-heh, what?
KYLE
Everything turned out okay for those
people. And so now you can laugh.
STAN
Huh?
KYLE
When Cartman first opened the door,
and saw the Thompsons, he felt bad for
playing a joke on them. Now that everything's
turnd out alright, he's able to laugh.
STAN
Oh, you're right. Cartman had a feeling
of remorse.
CARTMAN
E-heh. No no no, I blew a funny fuse.
KYLE
There is no such thing as a funny fuse,
Cartman. You felt bad.
CARTMAN
Whatever. All I know is that I can
laugh again. I'm gonna go home and eat
another chocolate gun. Come on, Kenny!
MOTORCYCLE DRIVER
Dangit!
[Stan and Kyle face Cartman. Behind them the crowd consists of
only the camera crew, Mrs. Garthunk, Ben Affleck and the Thompsons,
and the workers]
STAN
Wow, Cartman actually felt bad for somebody
and couldn't laugh at them.
KYLE
Our little man is growing up, Stan.
He's growing up.
STAN
Yeah, I guess we all are. Maybe things
are finally gonna start getting a more
sophisticated around here.
[Close-up of the Thompsons taking turns kissing Ben Affleck.
Mrs. Thompson sobs and blows her nose.]
STEVEN
Aw son!
THE END
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