"HOW TO EAT WITH YOUR BUTT"
[South Park Elementary School Gym, day. Stan is seated on a stool
none too pleased before a backdrop of a meadow. Behind the photographer
are the kindergartners and Mr. Adler's class]
Okay, now lift your chin a little.
Look right here. Right here. Hey, where's
my smile? Come on, I bet you got a smile
for me. I-I'm startin' to see a smile.
There it is. Okay great next.
I didn't smile.
I hate picture day at school! It's always
some gay-ass photographer with some
gay-ass backdrop of New England!
Ah, hang on a second. My mom said to
make sure I look good this time in...
the school pictures.
Okay, smile Okay, next?
Did you go yet?
No. This is taking forever.
You guys! You guys! This is sooo funny!
Dude, check it out: for picture day,
Kenny got into hiis parka backwards,
so that his ass shows through his hood.
Look! . Kenny, Kenny, over here!
It isn't that funny, Cartman.
Yes it is!
Next in line! Come on, let's keep it
...Don't listen to that Jew, Kenny,
it's totally funny.
Take off your hat, please?
But I never take off my hat.
Come on now, I bet your parents want
a picture of YOU lookin' natural.
This is how I look natural.
Kyle, we're taking pictures without
Snile! Come on, where's that smile?
Is it gonna kill you to smile? I see
Very nice. Okay, last one?
Okay, have a seat, young man. Well,
okay, lookin' great.Now where's that
smile? Come on, give me a nice, wide
smile. Wider. Perfect!
Huh, how long 'til we get the pictures
Should be about four days.
Four days?? Oh man, I can't wait that
[South Park Elementary, four days later, day. Inside, in Ms.
Choksondik's class, Cartman is fidgeting rather loudly in his
Heh, c'mon! C'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon!
C'mon c'mon! C'mon c'mon c'mon!
Alright, class, I have your school photos
to hand out-
Most of them are very nice. But, apparently,
one of you thinks it's fun to spoil
their school pictures , and thinks he's
a comedian. That person will be spending
the afternoon in the principal's office!
: (Aww, that's bullshit!)
School photos aren't for joking around,
so you aren't getting your photo back,
Um-me?? Huh but I didn't do nothin'.
For the rest of you, I think your pictures
turned out very nicely.
But, buut, but but what hey! Wait a
Let me see!
Bu-but Teacher, I didn't mean to look
stupid in my picture. Honest!
Dude, dude! Check it out! This is the
sweetest thing I've ever done!
(You've ever done?!)
Look at how the crap ...is sittin'
right in the middle!
Eric, calm down. I'm trying to yell
Okay, hokay, I'm sorry Ms. Chokesonrocks!
You know very well my name isn't Chokesonrocks,
it's Choksondik! Say it right or you
can go to the principal's with Butters!
I'm sorry Ms. Choksondik.
I tried to make a good picture. Honest.
Your mother is waiting for you in the
My mom? Oh, sweet Jesus!
Hoh, Oh my God! More people have to
see this picture, you guys. I'm gonna
put it on the Internet or... No, wait!
Kenny. I just had the greatest idea...
[Dairy Gold Milk Company, day. A receptionist in blue suit sits
at her desk. The doors open and Cartman enters]
Welcome to South Park Milk Company.
Can I help you?
Oh, yes, hello. I am helping out a family
who has a missing child, and I was wondering
if you could print his photo on your
Oh, of course. Printing those photos
on our milk really does help. Do you
have the photo with you?
Yes, I have it right hmya.
O-okay, great. We'll print it immediately.
You will? Ah. Oh, ah, thank you for
Sure. If I could get a description of
the child to pring underneath the photo?
Oh, yehes. Uh-heh. He has ah, blond
hair, aha-and, ah, and a brown eye.
Okay, brown eye...
And, and big rosy cheeks!
Full cheeks! Winking brown eye, brown
[Stan's house, day. A TV is heard.]
Ms. Hamilton was the fourth person to
be run over by a motorcycle this week,
leaving a city to ponder, who will be
You guys! You guys! You guys!
You guys! You guys! You guys! Hurry.
What's he want?
I don't know. Let's go see.
[Cartman's house, minutes later. Cartman can be heard laughing
inside as Stan and Kyle approach his door. Kyle rings the doorbell
and Cartman answers, still laughing.]
Why'd you call us?
Come on. Come on. Come on. Oho, this
is so sweet! You guys, seriously, this
is sooo sweet!
Goddamnit Cartman, what?!
...You put Kenny's pictuer on a milk
Look at, look at the description. Brown
That isn't funny, Cartman.
Oh, it's soo completely funny!! Ahaha
this is certainly funny!!
No it's not, Cartman. You know, there
really are couples out there who are
No there aren't. Jesus, grow up, you
[A house in Wisconsin. A woman enters her kitchen with some groceries
and sets them on the kitchen counter next to the sink. She pulls
them out one by one, but stops when she pulls out the milk carton.]
Oh my God. Oh my God! Steven! Steven,
What is it, Martha?
Look. It's him! It's... our son.
[Dairy Gold Milk Company, day, a few days later. The Wisconsin
couple are at the Dairy Gold Milk Company, talking to the receptionist.
Their "s" and sometimes "th" comes out sounding like a raspberry]
...and so that's when I called out to
my husband. I just knew the boy picture
on your milk carton was our little Tommy.
... yes, I see. Uh, but the child
on the milk carton was reported missing,
We realize that. But we just thought
that maybe someone else had found Tommy,
and then lost him again. We're pretty
certain that it's our boy, considering
his physical appearance. Martha and
I have the... same condition.
You may not have realized this, but
we actually have buttocks where our
heads should be.
Steven and I have a comdition called
"torsonic polarity symdrome." It's a
birth defect that's passed on genetically.
Over eleven people worldwide suffer
Hmm, hmm, that's am-, that's amazing.
Martha and I were lucky enough to meet
each other at a TPS convention in France.
So... do you have heads down where your
rear ends should be?
No no, don't be silly. You see, with
TPS, the birth defect is on the exterior
only. Behind this we still have all
our vital head organs - tongue, eyes,
Well, Mr. and Mrs...
...Thompson. Uh, I'll contact the young
boy who gave me the photo, and perhaps
we can all visit him together.
Oh, wonderful! Steven, we're goin' to
see Tommy again!
Now, Martha, what did I say about getting
our hopesss up?
You're right. You're right.
[Cartman's house, moments later. Cartman is laughing his ass
off on the sofa when Stan and Kyle return to see him.]
...Okay Cartman, what do you want this
Oho, you guys, you guys! Oh my God.
Okay, okay, so get this, get this:
The milk company calls me, right? And
they call me and say that two people
from Wisconsin... saw the picture of
Kenny on the milk carton, and they think
it's their kid.
...Dude, that's not funny if they're
missing their son.
No, nonono! Because apparently these
two people... also kind of look like
they have butts where their heads should
Oh yes! And the best part is... they're
coming here, to my house. And it's gonna
be sooo funny!! Oh Jesus, that's probably
them now! Okay, you guys, just play
it cool, just play it-, just-sshh. No,
sshh, you guys, sshh. Just- okay No.
Okay, okay, no, you guys, sh, sh.
Hello, we're Mr. and Mrs. Thompson.
Hohly crahap, duhude, heh!
We understand you've seen our son.
Oh my... God.
Cartman, where are you going??
Uh, excuse me, boys, do you know anything
Eh-heh. L-look, if you want an explanation,
you yuhou'd better go to Kenny's house.
Yeah. He lives about four houses away
in the bad side of tahown.
Oh thank you. Thank you!
They said to inquire four houses down.
[Cartman's room, moments later. Cartman is at a loss for words
and looks scared. The door opens and Kyle and Stan walk in.]
Ehheh, Cartman, what the hell are you
Yeah, you missed them turning around.
You guys, something's wrong.
I think... I.. just.. saw the funniest
thing I'll ever see. And I... think...
I... blew a funny fuse.
Blew a funny fuse?
It was just too much and my sense of
humor overloaded. I don't think anything
will ever be funny again. Oh God. What
have I got?
You mean they both have butts instead
Yeah, dude, we'll show you. They're
over at Kenny's.
How do they eat?
How the hell should we know?
: Butters! Hey Butters! You have to
check this out!
You gotta come to Kenny's house with
There's these two people with asses
where their heads should be.
Ahah-I can't, fellas. Ah-I'm grounded
for lookin' stupid in my school picture.
But dude, you gotta see it; it's hysterical!
Butters can't come out and play, boys.
He thinks it's funny to look like a
jackass in his school pictures that
I have to pay for!
Huh, but I told you mom: ah-I didn't
mean to look... like a jackass, eh.
It just happened.
You made a goofy face!
No! That's just what I look like. See?
...Don't you make that face at me,
I'm not makin' a face, mom!
...Come on, we wanna see the ass people.
Fine Butters! If you don't wanna stop
making that stupid face at me, you can
just stay in your room for another week!
Another week? I hate my stupid face.
[Mr. Mackey's office, day. Cartman is on the couch laying on
Okay Eric, as your counselor, uh I want
you to feel comfortable talking about
Mr. Mackey, is it possible that you
can see something so funny that it ruins
your sense of humor forever?
Well, I can't think of anything that
would be THAT funny.
Two people with asses for heads. Ever
since I saw them I can't laugh at anything.
Oh, I see, well... Well, what did you
used to think was funny?
You know, all the usual stuff. Dirty
jokes, funny movies, seeing someone
die... This morning, I even saw a little
girl get her fingers caught in a car
poicture and... I couldn't laugh. I
mean I... I knew it was funny, but I
Well Eric, I suppose that, just like
everything else, laughter can be relative
- in, in other words, sometimes people
see somethin' so scary that nothin'
else scares them, so, the same could
be true for funny things.
So does that mean I'll never laugh
It's possible, hm'kay? But you know,
if you have completely lost your sense
of humor, you can always become a writer
for the show, "Friends" .Ohokahay, huhuh.
[The McCormick house, later. The Thompsons' car is parked outside,
on the street. Inside, the McCormicks, the Thompsons and the
receptionist are seated around the coffee table. A brick has
replaced two of its legs. Kenny stands beside his mother.]
...and so you see, our son was just
playing a joke and the little fat kid
put it on the carton.
Yes. Yes, I see.
Kenny, don't you think you owe the Thompsons
...No, it was foolish for us to get
our hopes up.
It was just such a coincidence, considering
the photo. You may not have realized
this, but Martha and I have buttocks
where our heads should be.
STUART AND WIFE
Mr. and Mrs. Thompson, how long has
it been since you've seen your son?
Tommy disappeared when he was only seven.
Oh, Steven, it's like it's all happening
all over again.
There there now.
Please, Mrs. Thompson, it'll be alright.
Listen, the South Park Dairy Company
is the country's largest. We find lost
children all the time. We can help
you find Tommy with the company's database!
Yes, well, aaah-I'll help you find
your son. Just stop cryin', Please,
for the love of God, stop cryin'!
Ah, agh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Mr. Thompson, how did your son become
missing? Was he abducted?
Yes. He was in the care of our nanny
at the time.
The nanny that we trusted so much took
off with him and we still don't know
why. We think perhaps she wanted a
child of her own.
And this was back in Wisconsin?
Yes, but we last heard the nanny was
heading west. That's why we thought
Colorado made sssssense.
We've tried every avenue to find him,
but, we've never tried the milk company.
Well you just give us a try. I think
you'll find that South Park Milk is
not only the best resource for finding
kids, but also the best producer of
the freshest 2% lowfat milk the world
Thank you. Thank you so much for helping
This certainly is a friendly town.
You've all been sssssso wonderful.
Yes, I'm so grateful I just wanna cry
[The Bijou Theater, day. "Grossout Comedy 8" is playing there.
Inside, Cartman sits amid a bunch of older folk]
Dude, why are you wearing Shalayna's
I have to wear Shalayna's panties. Lisa's
were in the wash. Look, can we just
get this over with?
But dude, I can't French-kiss him. He's
Come on, dude.
Oh, alright Here it goes. Come'ere,
Oh, dude, oh.
Dude, what's wrong with you?
Nothing's wrong with me. Uh-
Well, I'm glad that's over with. We'd
better go back to the house now to see
how Chris is doing.
[Dairy Gold Milk Company, day. An official leads the Thompsons
through the factory. Cows are lined up in their stalls eating
from personal troughs.]
Uh Mr. and Mrs. Thompson, as President
of the South Park Milk Company, I want
to apologize personally for printing
that falsified picture on our milk cartons.
Please, please. It's not your fault.
Ye-yes, but here at South Park Milk
we strive for excellence. For instance,
we are now entering the extraction room.
As you can see, we keep it close to
the refrigeration room. That way we
can get the milk to the container as
fast as possible. That's why some say
South Park milk tastes like you're suckin'
it right from the cow's tits yourself.
Here, try a glass of our cold Vitamin
D. And our fresh scones.
Oh, excuse me. A little... difficult
to drink with our condition.
Martha and I actually have buttocks
where our heads should be.
Really? Well. And in here we have our
Missing Child Resource Center.
Oh my, isn't this impressive?
Yes. With the Kelrom 4000, Mrs. Garthunk
can search a database of over 30 million
missing child cases.
We'll start the computer on a data
search. Now, when did your son turn
Well, it was 1982. Tommy was only six
at the time.
Alright then. Computer...
Run a scan of missing children since
1982. Check for physical birth defects
TPS. Torsonic Polarity Syndrome. Child
missing since 1982. Workiiing.
So you actually haven't seen your son
in over 20 years?
But then, why did you think the picture
of Kenny was him. Wouldn't your son
be much older now?
Yes, but since he appeared to be at
least eight in the photo, we assumed
someone had seen him since we did.
This is the only photo we have of our
It's gonna take quite a while for the
computer to do a scan of all missing
Well, why don't we let Mrs. Garthunk
do her work, and I'll take you two out
for some good old Colorado chili.
We don't really like chili; it makes
us throw up.
[Cartman's house, living room, day. The door bell rings and Eric
answers it. Jimmy stands at the entrance]
Well, hello, Eric. I was really glad
you called me, very much.
Jimmy! Thank God! Get in here!
What's this all about?
Jimmy, you've always been my favorite
standup comic. You've gotta help me.
I've lost my sense of humor.
Gee, that's a terrible thing, Eric.
Um comedy can be the best therapy, very
I just have to find my funny bone again!
Just try and make me laugh.
Oh, I don't think that'll be hard. I've
been working on my rr... routine.
Okay, let me have it.
Okay. Try this one on for size: Why
did the... pigeon cross the road?
Because it was having sex with the chihi...
Because it was having sex with the ch-hi-hi...
Because it was having sex with the ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch...
eh, it was having sex with the ch-ch-hiicken.
...Naw, see? Somethng's wrong. I'm not
Wow, what a great audience... How about
this classic? Knock-knock.
Orange you glad I didn't say banoo'n?
Orange you glad I didn't say banoo'n?
Orange you glad I didn't say bbb? Orange
you glad I didn't say beh buhuhnnnaana?
...naw, that didn't work either.
Wow, w-what a great audience... Knock-knock.
An interrupting ca'ow.
An interrupting cow who
Moooooo! ...What a terrific audience.
[Dairy Gold Milk Company, day. Mrs. Garthunk is still at the
computer doing her search]
Hah, let's see. The Dallas-Ft. Wroth
area. I haven't tried there yet. Computer?
Scan for any children reported found
in the Dallas-Ft. Wroth area, with a
Ugh. This is hopeless! ...Wait a minute,
let's try it this way: Computer?
Scan databanks for children who reported
their parents missing.
Workiiing. One million six thousand
Alright, then break it down to claims
in the past twenty years.
Workiiing. Three hundred twenty-one
Alright, now run a scan on homogenized
versus pasteurized skim milk.
In skim form, homogenized has longer
shelf life by 2.3 weeks.
Okaaay, okay, now give me a breakdown
of people who are seeking their parents
who also suffer from a disease called
T P S.
Torsonic Polarity Syndrome, plus, a
claim to not know parents: one match
Bingo. Do you have a photo
My God. Oh my God!
[Sidewalk, day. Six boys walk down the street again, only Kenny
has replaced Tweek among the boys. They stop at Butters' house
again,and again, Kyle calls out.]
Butters! Hey Butters!
They found the butt-face people's son,
Butters. They're gonna have a big reunion
at the milk company!
Aw gee, thah-at sounds swell, fellas,
but I can't go 'cause I'm still havin'
Why are you wearing a paper bag on your
Uh, my parents are makin' me wear this
paper bag until I learn... to stop makin'
silly faces all the time. They've really
had it up to here with me.
Butters? Are you ready to stop with
the stupid faces?
I sure am, Dad!
Alright, you can take the paper bag
Thanks, Dad! Ah I'm sorry I was bad-
Oh, very funny, young man! You think
it's clever to make yourself up like
Hububut Dad, ah I didn't lick a-
Did you use your mother's makeup?! She's
gonna be furious!
I'm not wearin' makeup Dad! I uh-
Put that bag back on!
Dude, that poor kid.
Yeah, we gotta remember to kick his
[Cartman's room, day. Cartman sits on his bed dejected. He's
unwrapped a box and a gun sits on his bed to his left, a notepad
and pencil to his right. He picks up the pad and pencil and writes...]
I can no longer stand to be without a sense of humor. Without
laughter, the world is a cold and sad place, and I can't go out
to face it anymore. Please tell everyone why I won't be at school.
[He sets the notepad down and looks at it for a moment, then
he reaches over for the gun. He opens his mouth and puts the
barrel of the gun in... and bites it off. It's a chocolate gun,
and he sets the remainder down on the bed again.]
And please buy me more chocolate guns. I'm starting to run out.
[He picks up the chocolate again and takes another bite. Then
he looks at the box the gun came in]
Please get the kind with marshmallow inside. I don't like the
peanut-butter filled one.
[Dairy Gold Milk Company, day. A TV 4 news van and crew are present.
Some of the factory workers are present in the background as
the president of the company stands behind some microphones.
The Thompsons stand next to the preisdent. A sign behind them
asks, "Got Missing Kids?"]
And so it is with great pride that we
have flown little Billy Thompson out
here, to be reunited with his parents
for the first time in twenty years.
Thank you, Mr. President. I'm proud
to be an employee of South Park Milk,
which to date has found over a hundred
thousand missing kids, and, led the
way in the fight against curdling. Mr.
and Mrs. Thompson, your son grew up
not knowing who his parents were. But
he was strong and resilient, and ended
up becoming very successful. I think
it will amaze you as it will all of
us to learn that your son... is Ben
Come around here, Ben!
What's goin' on?
Dude, the ass-faces' son is Ben Affleck!
Oh, our same ol' Ben!
Oh, I'm so happy!
Wow, I never realized Ben had TPS, but
I definitely see the resemblance now.
Isn't this wonderful?
Okay gang, give me a big smile.
Well, looks like everything turned out
alright for them.
Yeah, I guess now we'll have to call
him Ben Assfleck. Ben Assfleck, say
Hey, you're laughng, Cartman.
Hehey, you're right! Oho, this is great!
Well wait a minute. Don't you see what
Everything turned out okay for those
people. And so now you can laugh.
When Cartman first opened the door,
and saw the Thompsons, he felt bad for
playing a joke on them. Now that everything's
turnd out alright, he's able to laugh.
Oh, you're right. Cartman had a feeling
E-heh. No no no, I blew a funny fuse.
There is no such thing as a funny fuse,
Cartman. You felt bad.
Whatever. All I know is that I can
laugh again. I'm gonna go home and eat
another chocolate gun. Come on, Kenny!
[Stan and Kyle face Cartman. Behind them the crowd consists of
only the camera crew, Mrs. Garthunk, Ben Affleck and the Thompsons,
and the workers]
Wow, Cartman actually felt bad for somebody
and couldn't laugh at them.
Our little man is growing up, Stan.
He's growing up.
Yeah, I guess we all are. Maybe things
are finally gonna start getting a more
sophisticated around here.
[Close-up of the Thompsons taking turns kissing Ben Affleck.
Mrs. Thompson sobs and blows her nose.]
How To Eat With Your Butt
Writers : Trey Parker
Genres : Animation Comedy