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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 510


                             "HOW TO EAT WITH YOUR BUTT"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [South Park Elementary School Gym, day. Stan is seated on a stool 
               none too pleased before a backdrop of a meadow. Behind the photographer 
               are the kindergartners and Mr. Adler's class]
 
                                     PHOTOGRAPHER
                         Okay, now lift your chin a little.  
                         Look right here. Right here.  Hey, where's 
                         my smile? Come on, I bet you got a smile 
                         for me. I-I'm startin' to see a smile. 
                         There it is.  Okay great next.
 
                                     STAN
                          I didn't smile. 

                                     KYLE
                         I hate picture day at school! It's always 
                         some gay-ass photographer with some 
                         gay-ass backdrop of New England!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Ah, hang on a second. My mom said to 
                         make sure I look good this time in... 
                         the school pictures. 
 
                                     PHOTOGRAPHER
                         Okay, smile  Okay, next? 

                                     STAN
                          Did you go yet?

                                     KYLE
                         No. This is taking forever.

                                     CARTMAN
                          You guys! You guys! This is sooo funny!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         What, Cartman?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Dude, check it out: for picture day, 
                         Kenny got into hiis parka backwards, 
                         so that his ass shows through his hood. 
                         Look! . Kenny, Kenny, over here! 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         It isn't that funny, Cartman.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes it is! 

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Next in line! Come on, let's keep it 
                         moving, kids! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         ...Don't listen to that Jew, Kenny, 
                         it's totally funny.
 
                                     PHOTOGRAPHER
                          Take off your hat, please?

                                     KYLE
                         But I never take off my hat.

                                     PHOTOGRAPHER
                         Come on now, I bet your parents want 
                         a picture of YOU lookin' natural.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         This is how I look natural.

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Kyle, we're taking pictures without 
                         hats today!
 
                                     KYLE
                          Crap! 

                                     PHOTOGRAPHER
                         Snile! Come on, where's that smile? 
                         Is it gonna kill you to smile? I see 
                         a smile. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Gayass! 

                                     PHOTOGRAPHER
                          Very nice. Okay, last one? 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh oh. 

                                     PHOTOGRAPHER
                         Okay, have a seat, young man.  Well, 
                         okay, lookin' great.Now where's that 
                         smile? Come on, give me a nice, wide 
                         smile. Wider. Perfect!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Huh, how long 'til we get the pictures 
                         back?
 
                                     PHOTOGRAPHER
                         Should be about four days.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Four days?? Oh man, I can't wait that 
                         long!
 
               [South Park Elementary, four days later, day. Inside, in Ms. 
               Choksondik's class, Cartman is fidgeting rather loudly in his 
               desk]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Heh, c'mon! C'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon! 
                         C'mon c'mon! C'mon c'mon c'mon!
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Alright, class, I have your school photos 
                         to hand out-
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          YES! YES!

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Most of them are very nice. But, apparently, 
                         one of you thinks it's fun to spoil 
                         their school pictures , and thinks he's 
                         a comedian. That person will be spending 
                         the afternoon in the principal's office!
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         :	(Aww, that's bullshit!)

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         School photos aren't for joking around, 
                         so you aren't getting your photo back, 
                         Butters! 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Um-me?? Huh but I didn't do nothin'.
 
                         
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         For the rest of you, I think your pictures 
                         turned out very nicely.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         But, buut, but but what hey! Wait a 
                         minute! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Let me see! 

                                     BUTTERS
                          Bu-but Teacher, I didn't mean to look 
                         stupid in my picture. Honest!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Dude, dude! Check it out! This is the 
                         sweetest thing I've ever done!
 
                                     KENNY
                         (You've ever done?!)

                                     CARTMAN
                          Look at how the crap ...is sittin' 
                         right in the middle! 
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Eric, calm down. I'm trying to yell 
                         at Butters!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, hokay, I'm sorry Ms. Chokesonrocks!
 
                         
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         You know very well my name isn't Chokesonrocks, 
                         it's Choksondik! Say it right or you 
                         can go to the principal's with Butters!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm sorry Ms. Choksondik.

                                     BUTTERS
                         I tried to make a good picture. Honest.
 
                         
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Your mother is waiting for you in the 
                         principal's office. 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         My mom?  Oh, sweet Jesus!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hoh, Oh my God! More people have to 
                         see this picture, you guys. I'm gonna 
                         put it on the Internet or... No, wait! 
                         Kenny.  I just had the greatest idea... 
                         ever!
 
               [Dairy Gold Milk Company, day. A receptionist in blue suit sits 
               at her desk. The doors open and Cartman enters]
 
                                     RECEPTIONIST
                         Welcome to South Park Milk Company. 
                         Can I help you?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, yes, hello. I am helping out a family 
                         who has a missing child, and I was wondering 
                         if you could print his photo on your 
                         milk carton? 
 
                                     RECEPTIONIST
                         Oh, of course. Printing those photos 
                         on our milk really does help. Do you 
                         have the photo with you?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes, I have it right hmya. 

                                     RECEPTIONIST
                          O-okay, great. We'll print it immediately.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         You will?  Ah.  Oh, ah, thank you for 
                         your help.
 
                                     RECEPTIONIST
                         Sure. If I could get a description of 
                         the child to pring underneath the photo? 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, yehes. Uh-heh. He has ah, blond 
                         hair, aha-and, ah, and a brown eye. 
                          Brown eye! 
 
                                     RECEPTIONIST
                         Okay, brown eye...

                                     CARTMAN
                         And, and big rosy cheeks! 

                                     RECEPTIONIST
                         ...Full cheeks...

                                     CARTMAN
                          Full cheeks!  Winking brown eye, brown 
                         eye winking! 
 
               [Stan's house, day. A TV is heard.]

                                     REPORTER
                         Ms. Hamilton was the fourth person to 
                         be run over by a motorcycle this week, 
                         leaving a city to ponder, who will be 
                         next? 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hello?

                                     CARTMAN
                          You guys! You guys! You guys! 

                                     KYLE
                         Hello?

                                     CARTMAN
                          ...You guys!... 

                                     KYLE
                          Cartman?

                                     CARTMAN
                          You guys! You guys! You guys! Hurry. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         What's he want?

                                     KYLE
                          I don't know. Let's go see. 

               [Cartman's house, minutes later. Cartman can be heard laughing 
               inside as Stan and Kyle approach his door. Kyle rings the doorbell 
               and Cartman answers, still laughing.]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Why'd you call us?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Come on. Come on.  Come on. Oho, this 
                         is so sweet!  You guys, seriously, this 
                         is sooo sweet!
 
                                     STAN
                         Goddamnit Cartman, what?! 

                                     KYLE
                         ...You put Kenny's pictuer on a milk 
                         carton??
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Look at, look at the description. Brown 
                         eye! 
 
                                     STAN
                         That isn't funny, Cartman.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, it's soo completely funny!! Ahaha 
                         this is certainly funny!!
 
                                     KYLE
                         No it's not, Cartman. You know, there 
                         really are couples out there who are 
                         missing children.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No there aren't. Jesus, grow up, you 
                         guys.
 
               [A house in Wisconsin. A woman enters her kitchen with some groceries 
               and sets them on the kitchen counter next to the sink. She pulls 
               them out one by one, but stops when she pulls out the milk carton.]
 
               
                                     WOMAN
                          Oh my God. Oh my God!  Steven! Steven, 
                         come quick!
 
                                     STEVEN
                          What is it, Martha?

                                     MARTHA
                         Look. It's him! It's... our son.

                                     STEVEN
                         Our ssson!

               [Dairy Gold Milk Company, day, a few days later. The Wisconsin 
               couple are at the Dairy Gold Milk Company, talking to the receptionist. 
               Their "s" and sometimes "th" comes out sounding like a raspberry]
 
               
                                     MARTHA
                         ...and so that's when I called out to 
                         my husband. I just knew the boy picture 
                         on your milk carton was our little Tommy.
 
                         
                                     RECEPTIONIST
                          ... yes, I see.  Uh, but the child 
                         on the milk carton was reported missing, 
                         not found.
 
                                     STEVEN
                         We realize that. But we just thought 
                         that maybe someone else had found Tommy, 
                         and then lost him again. We're pretty 
                         certain that it's our boy, considering 
                         his physical appearance. Martha and 
                         I have the... same condition.
 
                                     RECEPTIONIST
                         ...Riiight.

                                     STEVEN
                         You may not have realized this, but 
                         we actually have buttocks where our 
                         heads should be.
 
                                     RECEPTIONIST
                          ...Really?

                                     STEVEN
                         Yes.

                                     MARTHA
                         Steven and I have a comdition called 
                         "torsonic polarity symdrome." It's a 
                         birth defect that's passed on genetically.
 
                         
                                     STEVEN
                         Over eleven people worldwide suffer 
                         from TPS
 
                                     RECEPTIONIST
                          Hmm, hmm, that's am-, that's amazing.
 
                         
                                     STEVEN
                         Martha and I were lucky enough to meet 
                         each other at a TPS convention in France.
 
                         
                                     RECEPTIONIST
                         So... do you have heads down where your 
                         rear ends should be?
 
                                     STEVEN
                         No no, don't be silly. You see, with 
                         TPS, the birth defect is on the exterior 
                         only. Behind this we still have all 
                         our vital head organs - tongue, eyes, 
                         nasal passages...
 
                                     RECEPTIONIST
                         Well, Mr. and Mrs...

                                     STEVEN
                         Uh, Thompssson.

                                     RECEPTIONIST
                         ...Thompson. Uh, I'll contact the young 
                         boy who gave me the photo, and perhaps 
                         we can all visit him together.
 
                                     MARTHA
                         Oh, wonderful! Steven, we're goin' to 
                         see Tommy again!
 
                                     STEVEN
                         Now, Martha, what did I say about getting 
                         our hopesss up?
 
                                     MARTHA
                         You're right. You're right.

               [Cartman's house, moments later. Cartman is laughing his ass 
               off on the sofa when Stan and Kyle return to see him.]
 
                                     KYLE
                         ...Okay Cartman, what do you want this 
                         time?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oho, you guys, you guys! Oh my God. 
                          Okay, okay, so get this, get this: 
                         The milk company calls me, right?  And 
                         they call me and say that two people 
                         from Wisconsin... saw the picture of 
                         Kenny on the milk carton, and they think 
                         it's their kid. 
 
                                     STAN
                         ...Dude, that's not funny if they're 
                         missing their son.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No, nonono! Because apparently these 
                         two people... also kind of look like 
                         they have butts where their heads should 
                         be! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         ...Nuh uh.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh yes! And the best part is... they're 
                         coming here, to my house. And it's gonna 
                         be sooo funny!!  Oh Jesus, that's probably 
                         them now! Okay, you guys, just play 
                         it cool, just play it-, just-sshh. No, 
                         sshh, you guys, sshh.  Just- okay  No. 
                          Okay, okay, no, you guys, sh, sh. 
 
                         
                                     MARTHA
                          Hello, we're Mr. and Mrs. Thompson. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh God.

                                     KYLE
                          Hohly crahap, duhude, heh!

                                     STAN
                         No way! 

                                     STEVEN
                         We understand you've seen our son. 
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh my... God. 

                                     STAN
                         Cartman, where are you going?? 

                                     MARTHA
                          Uh, excuse me, boys, do you know anything 
                         about this?
 
                                     KYLE
                          Uh

                                     STAN
                         Oh boy.

                                     KYLE
                         Eh-heh. L-look, if you want an explanation, 
                         you yuhou'd better go to Kenny's house.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah. He lives about four houses away 
                         in the bad side of tahown.
 
                                     MARTHA
                          Oh thank you. Thank you! 

                                     RECEPTIONIST
                         Well?

                                     STEVEN
                         They said to inquire four houses down.
 
                         
                                     MARTHA
                         Let's hurry! 

               [Cartman's room, moments later. Cartman is at a loss for words 
               and looks scared. The door opens and Kyle and Stan walk in.]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         Ehheh, Cartman, what the hell are you 
                         doing?
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, you missed them turning around.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys, something's wrong.

                                     STAN
                         What?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I think... I.. just.. saw the funniest 
                         thing I'll ever see. And I... think... 
                         I... blew a funny fuse.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Blew a funny fuse?

                                     CARTMAN
                          It was just too much and my sense of 
                         humor overloaded.  I don't think anything 
                         will ever be funny again. Oh God. What 
                         have I got?
 
                                     CLYDE
                         You mean they both have butts instead 
                         of heads?
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, dude, we'll show you. They're 
                         over at Kenny's.
 
                                     TOKEN
                         How do they eat?

                                     STAN
                         How the hell should we know? 

                                     KYLE
                         :	Butters! Hey Butters! You have to 
                         check this out!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          W-what?

                                     KYLE
                         You gotta come to Kenny's house with 
                         us.
 
                                     STAN
                         There's these two people with asses 
                         where their heads should be.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Ahah-I can't, fellas. Ah-I'm grounded 
                         for lookin' stupid in my school picture.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         But dude, you gotta see it; it's hysterical!
 
                         
                                     CAROL
                         Butters can't come out and play, boys. 
                         He thinks it's funny to look like a 
                         jackass in his school pictures that 
                         I have to pay for!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Huh, but I told you mom: ah-I didn't 
                         mean to look... like a jackass, eh. 
                         It just happened.
 
                                     CAROL
                         You made a goofy face!

                                     BUTTERS
                         No! That's just what I look like. See?
 
                         
                                     CAROL
                          ...Don't you make that face at me, 
                         young man!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         I'm not makin' a face, mom!

                                     CAROL
                         Stop it!

                                     CRAIG
                         ...Come on, we wanna see the ass people.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Alright. 

                                     CAROL
                         Fine Butters! If you don't wanna stop 
                         making that stupid face at me, you can 
                         just stay in your room for another week! 
                         
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Another week?  I hate my stupid face.
 
                         
               [Mr. Mackey's office, day. Cartman is on the couch laying on 
               his back...]
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Okay Eric, as your counselor, uh I want 
                         you to feel comfortable talking about 
                         anything, m'kay?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Mr. Mackey, is it possible that you 
                         can see something so funny that it ruins 
                         your sense of humor forever?
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Well, I can't think of anything that 
                         would be THAT funny.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Two people with asses for heads. Ever 
                         since I saw them I can't laugh at anything.
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Oh, I see, well... Well, what did you 
                         used to think was funny?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You know, all the usual stuff. Dirty 
                         jokes, funny movies, seeing someone 
                         die... This morning, I even saw a little 
                         girl get her fingers caught in a car 
                         poicture and... I couldn't laugh. I 
                         mean I... I knew it was funny, but I 
                         couldn't laugh.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Well Eric, I suppose that, just like 
                         everything else, laughter can be relative 
                         - in, in other words, sometimes people 
                         see somethin' so scary that nothin' 
                         else scares them, so, the same could 
                         be true for funny things.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          So does that mean I'll never laugh 
                         again?
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         It's possible, hm'kay?  But you know, 
                         if you have completely lost your sense 
                         of humor, you can always become a writer 
                         for the show, "Friends" .Ohokahay, huhuh.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ugh.

               [The McCormick house, later. The Thompsons' car is parked outside, 
               on the street. Inside, the McCormicks, the Thompsons and the 
               receptionist are seated around the coffee table. A brick has 
               replaced two of its legs. Kenny stands beside his mother.]
 
               
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         ...and so you see, our son was just 
                         playing a joke and the little fat kid 
                         put it on the carton.
 
                                     MARTHA
                         Yes. Yes, I see.

                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Kenny, don't you think you owe the Thompsons 
                         an apology? 
 
                                     MARTHA
                         ...No, it was foolish for us to get 
                         our hopes up.
 
                                     STEVEN
                         It was just such a coincidence, considering 
                         the photo. You may not have realized 
                         this, but Martha and I have buttocks 
                         where our heads should be.
 
                                     STUART AND WIFE
                         Really?

                                     RECEPTIONIST
                         Mr. and Mrs. Thompson, how long has 
                         it been since you've seen your son?
 
                         
                                     STEVEN
                         Tommy disappeared when he was only seven.
 
                         
                                     MARTHA
                          Oh, Steven, it's like it's all happening 
                         all over again. 
 
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                          There there now. 

                                     RECEPTIONIST
                         Please, Mrs. Thompson, it'll be alright. 
                          Listen, the South Park Dairy Company 
                         is the country's largest. We find lost 
                         children all the time.  We can help 
                         you find Tommy with the company's database!
 
                         
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                          Yes, well, aaah-I'll help you find 
                         your son. Just stop cryin', Please, 
                         for the love of God, stop cryin'!
 
                         
                                     MARTHA
                          Ah, agh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 

                                     RECEPTIONIST
                         Mr. Thompson, how did your son become 
                         missing? Was he abducted?
 
                                     STEVEN
                         Yes. He was in the care of our nanny 
                         at the time.
 
                                     MARTHA
                         The nanny that we trusted so much took 
                         off with him and we still don't know 
                         why.  We think perhaps she wanted a 
                         child of her own. 
 
                                     RECEPTIONIST
                         And this was back in Wisconsin? 

                                     STEVEN
                         Yes, but we last heard the nanny was 
                         heading west.  That's why we thought 
                         Colorado made sssssense.
 
                                     MARTHA
                         We've tried every avenue to find him, 
                          but, we've never tried the milk company. 
                         
 
                                     RECEPTIONIST
                         Well you just give us a try. I think 
                         you'll find that South Park Milk  is 
                         not only the best resource for finding 
                         kids,  but also the best producer of 
                         the freshest 2% lowfat milk the world 
                         can offer. 
 
                                     MARTHA
                         Thank you. Thank you so much for helping 
                         us. 
 
                                     STEVEN
                         This certainly is a friendly town.  
                         You've all been sssssso wonderful. 
 
                         
                                     MARTHA
                         Yes, I'm so grateful I just wanna cry 
                         again.
 
               [The Bijou Theater, day. "Grossout Comedy 8" is playing there. 
               Inside, Cartman sits amid a bunch of older folk]
 
                                     MALE 1
                         Dude, why are you wearing Shalayna's 
                         panties? 
 
                                     MALE 2
                         I have to wear Shalayna's panties. Lisa's 
                         were in the wash.  Look, can we just 
                         get this over with?
 
                                     MALE 1
                         But dude, I can't French-kiss him. He's 
                         my grandpa! 
 
                                     MALE 2
                         Come on, dude.

                                     MALE 1
                         Oh, alright Here it goes. Come'ere, 
                         Grandpa.
 
                                     AUDIENCE
                         Aww

                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh, dude, oh.

                                     TEEN
                          Dude, what's wrong with you?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Nothing's wrong with me. Uh-

                                     MALE 1
                         Well, I'm glad that's over with. We'd 
                         better go back to the house now to see 
                         how Chris is doing. 
 
               [Dairy Gold Milk Company, day. An official leads the Thompsons 
               through the factory. Cows are lined up in their stalls eating 
               from personal troughs.]
 
                                     PRESIDENT
                         Uh Mr. and Mrs. Thompson, as President 
                         of the South Park Milk Company, I want 
                         to apologize personally for printing 
                         that falsified picture on our milk cartons.
 
                         
                                     STEVEN
                         Please, please. It's not your fault.
 
                         
                                     PRESIDENT
                         Ye-yes, but here at South Park Milk 
                         we strive for excellence. For instance, 
                         we are now entering the extraction room. 
                          As you can see, we keep it close to 
                         the refrigeration room. That way we 
                         can get the milk to the container as 
                         fast as possible.  That's why some say 
                         South Park milk tastes like you're suckin' 
                         it right from the cow's tits yourself.
 
                         
                                     MARTHA
                         Amazing.

                                     PRESIDENT
                          Here, try a glass of our cold Vitamin 
                         D. And our fresh scones. 
 
                                     STEVEN
                         Delicious.

                                     MARTHA
                         Oh, excuse me. A little... difficult 
                         to drink with our condition. 
 
                                     STEVEN
                         Martha and I actually have buttocks 
                         where our heads should be.
 
                                     PRESIDENT
                         Really? Well. And in here we have our 
                         Missing Child Resource Center. 
 
                                     MARTHA
                         Oh my, isn't this impressive?

                                     PRESIDENT
                         Yes. With the Kelrom 4000, Mrs. Garthunk 
                         can search a database of over 30 million 
                         missing child cases.
 
                                     MRS. GARTHUNK
                          We'll start the computer on a data 
                         search. Now, when did your son turn 
                         up missing?
 
                                     STEVEN
                         Well, it was 1982. Tommy was only six 
                         at the time.
 
                                     MRS. GARTHUNK
                         Alright then. Computer...

                                     COMPUTER
                         Workiiing.

                                     MRS. GARTHUNK
                         Run a scan of missing children since 
                         1982. Check for physical birth defects 
                         called TPS.
 
                                     COMPUTER
                         TPS. Torsonic Polarity Syndrome. Child 
                         missing since 1982. Workiiing.
 
                                     PRESIDENT
                         So you actually haven't seen your son 
                         in over 20 years?
 
                                     MARTHA
                         That's right.

                                     MRS. GARTHUNK
                         But then, why did you think the picture 
                         of Kenny was him. Wouldn't your son 
                         be much older now?
 
                                     STEVEN
                         Yes, but since he appeared to be at 
                         least eight in the photo,  we assumed 
                         someone had seen him since we did.
 
                         
                                     MARTHA
                          This is the only photo we have of our 
                         little Tommy. 
 
                                     MRS. GARTHUNK
                         It's gonna take quite a while for the 
                         computer to do a scan of all missing 
                         kids.
 
                                     PRESIDENT
                         Well, why don't we let Mrs. Garthunk 
                         do her work, and I'll take you two out 
                         for some good old Colorado chili. 
 
                         
                                     STEVEN
                         We don't really like chili; it makes 
                         us throw up.
 
               [Cartman's house, living room, day. The door bell rings and Eric 
               answers it. Jimmy stands at the entrance]
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Well, hello, Eric. I was really glad 
                         you called me, very much.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Jimmy! Thank God! Get in here! 

                                     JIMMY
                         What's this all about?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Jimmy, you've always been my favorite 
                         standup comic. You've gotta help me. 
                         I've lost my sense of humor.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Gee, that's a terrible thing, Eric. 
                         Um comedy can be the best therapy, very 
                         much.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I just have to find my funny bone again! 
                         Just try and make me laugh.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Oh, I don't think that'll be hard. I've 
                         been working on my rr... routine.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, let me have it.

                                     JIMMY
                         Okay. Try this one on for size: Why 
                         did the... pigeon cross the road?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, why?

                                     JIMMY
                         Because it was having sex with the chihi... 
                         Because it was having sex with the ch-hi-hi... 
                         Because it was having sex with the ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch... 
                         eh, it was having sex with the ch-ch-hiicken. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         ...Naw, see? Somethng's wrong. I'm not 
                         laughing.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Wow, what a great audience... How about 
                         this classic? Knock-knock.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Who's there?

                                     JIMMY
                         Orange.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Orange who?

                                     JIMMY
                         Orange you glad I didn't say banoo'n? 
                         Orange you glad I didn't say banoo'n? 
                         Orange you glad I didn't say bbb? Orange 
                         you glad I didn't say beh buhuhnnnaana?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          ...naw, that didn't work either.

                                     JIMMY
                         Wow, w-what a great audience... Knock-knock.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Who's there?

                                     JIMMY
                         An interrupting ca'ow.

                                     CARTMAN
                         An interrupting cow who

                                     JIMMY
                          Moooooo!  ...What a terrific audience. 
                         
 
               [Dairy Gold Milk Company, day. Mrs. Garthunk is still at the 
               computer doing her search]
 
                                     MRS. GARTHUNK
                         Hah, let's see. The Dallas-Ft. Wroth 
                         area. I haven't tried there yet. Computer?
 
                         
                                     COMPUTER
                         Workiiing.

                                     MRS. GARTHUNK
                         Scan for any children reported found 
                         in the Dallas-Ft. Wroth area, with a 
                         facial deformity.
 
                                     COMPUTER
                         Workiiing.  Negative.

                                     MRS. GARTHUNK
                         Ugh. This is hopeless! ...Wait a minute, 
                         let's try it this way: Computer?
 
                                     COMPUTER
                         Workiiing.

                                     MRS. GARTHUNK
                         Scan databanks for children who reported 
                         their parents missing.
 
                                     COMPUTER
                         Workiiing.  One million six thousand 
                         hits.
 
                                     MRS. GARTHUNK
                         Alright, then break it down to claims 
                         in the past twenty years.
 
                                     COMPUTER
                         Workiiing.  Three hundred twenty-one 
                         thousand hits.
 
                                     MRS. GARTHUNK
                         Alright, now run a scan on homogenized 
                         versus pasteurized skim milk.
 
                                     COMPUTER
                         In skim form, homogenized has longer 
                         shelf life by 2.3 weeks.
 
                                     MRS. GARTHUNK
                         Okaaay, okay, now give me a breakdown 
                         of people who are seeking their parents 
                         who also suffer from a disease called 
                         T P S.
 
                                     COMPUTER
                         Torsonic Polarity Syndrome, plus, a 
                         claim to not know parents: one match
 
                         
                                     MRS. GARTHUNK
                         Bingo. Do you have a photo

                                     COMPUTER
                         Printiiing. 

                                     MRS. GARTHUNK
                         My God. Oh my God!

               [Sidewalk, day. Six boys walk down the street again, only Kenny 
               has replaced Tweek among the boys. They stop at Butters' house 
               again,and again, Kyle calls out.]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Butters! Hey Butters!

                                     BUTTERS
                          Hehyeah?

                                     KYLE
                         They found the butt-face people's son, 
                         Butters. They're gonna have a big reunion 
                         at the milk company!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Aw gee, thah-at sounds swell, fellas, 
                         but I can't go 'cause I'm still havin' 
                         behavioral problems.
 
                                     STAN
                         Why are you wearing a paper bag on your 
                         head?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh, my parents are makin' me wear this 
                         paper bag until I learn... to stop makin' 
                         silly faces all the time. They've really 
                         had it up to  here with me.
 
                                     BUTTERS' DAD
                         Butters? Are you ready to stop with 
                         the stupid faces?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          I sure am, Dad!

                                     BUTTERS' DAD
                         Alright, you can take the paper bag 
                         off.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Thanks, Dad! Ah I'm sorry I was bad-
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS' DAD
                         Oh, very funny, young man! You think 
                         it's clever to make yourself up like 
                         a girl?!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hububut Dad, ah I didn't lick a-

                                     BUTTERS' DAD
                         Did you use your mother's makeup?! She's 
                         gonna be furious!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         I'm not wearin' makeup Dad! I uh-

                                     BUTTERS' DAD
                         Put that bag back on!

                                     BUTTERS
                          Yes, sir. 

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, that poor kid. 

                                     CLYDE
                         Yeah, we gotta remember to kick his 
                         ass tomorrow. 
 
               [Cartman's room, day. Cartman sits on his bed dejected. He's 
               unwrapped a box and a gun sits on his bed to his left, a notepad 
               and pencil to his right. He picks up the pad and pencil and writes...]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Dear Mom:

               
               I can no longer stand to be without a sense of humor. Without 
               laughter, the world is a cold and sad place, and I can't go out 
               to face it anymore. Please tell everyone why I won't be at school. 
               
 
               [He sets the notepad down and looks at it for a moment, then 
               he reaches over for the gun. He opens his mouth and puts the 
               barrel of the gun in... and bites it off. It's a chocolate gun, 
               and he sets the remainder down on the bed again.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         
               And please buy me more chocolate guns. I'm starting to run out.
 
               
               [He picks up the chocolate again and takes another bite. Then 
               he looks at the box the gun came in]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         
               Please get the kind with marshmallow inside. I don't like the 
               peanut-butter filled one.
 
               
               Eric. 

               [Dairy Gold Milk Company, day. A TV 4 news van and crew are present. 
               Some of the factory workers are present in the background as 
               the president of the company stands behind some microphones. 
               The Thompsons stand next to the preisdent. A sign behind them 
               asks, "Got Missing Kids?"]
 
                                     PRESIDENT
                         And so it is with great pride that we 
                         have flown little Billy Thompson out 
                         here, to be reunited with his parents 
                         for the first time in twenty years. 
                          Mrs. Garthunk? 
 
                                     MRS. GARTHUNK
                         Thank you, Mr. President. I'm proud 
                         to be an employee of South Park Milk, 
                          which to date has found over a hundred 
                         thousand missing kids, and, led the 
                         way in the fight against curdling. Mr. 
                         and Mrs. Thompson, your son grew up 
                         not knowing who his parents were.  But 
                         he was strong and resilient,  and ended 
                         up becoming very successful. I think 
                         it will amaze you as it will all of 
                         us to learn that your son... is Ben 
                         Affleck! 
 
                                     PRESIDENT
                         Come around here, Ben! 

                                     BEN AFFLECK
                         Mom! Dad!

                                     STEVEN
                          Son!

                                     MARTHA
                          Oh, son! 

                                     CARTMAN
                          What's goin' on?

                                     STAN
                         Dude, the ass-faces' son is Ben Affleck!
 
                         
                                     STEVEN
                         Oh, our same ol' Ben!

                                     MARTHA
                         Oh, I'm so happy! 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Wow, I never realized Ben had TPS, but 
                         I definitely see the resemblance now. 
                         
 
                                     STEVEN
                         Aw, son. 

                                     PRESIDENT
                         Isn't this wonderful?

                                     PHOTOGRAPHER
                          Okay gang, give me a big smile. 

                                     KYLE
                         Well, looks like everything turned out 
                         alright for them.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, I guess now we'll have to call 
                         him Ben Assfleck.  Ben Assfleck, say 
                         that's funny.
 
                                     STAN
                          Hey, you're laughng, Cartman.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hehey, you're right! Oho, this is great! 
                         Ben Assfleck! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well wait a minute. Don't you see what 
                         happened?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         A-heh, what?

                                     KYLE
                         Everything turned out okay for those 
                         people. And so now you can laugh.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Huh?

                                     KYLE
                         When Cartman first opened the door, 
                         and saw the Thompsons, he felt bad for 
                         playing a joke on them. Now that everything's 
                         turnd out alright, he's able to laugh.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Oh, you're right. Cartman had a feeling 
                         of remorse.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         E-heh. No no no, I blew a funny fuse.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         There is no such thing as a funny fuse, 
                         Cartman. You felt bad.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Whatever. All I know is that I can 
                         laugh again. I'm gonna go home and eat 
                         another chocolate gun. Come on, Kenny! 
                         
 
                                     MOTORCYCLE DRIVER
                          Dangit! 

               [Stan and Kyle face Cartman. Behind them the crowd consists of 
               only the camera crew, Mrs. Garthunk, Ben Affleck and the Thompsons, 
               and the workers]
 
                                     STAN
                         Wow, Cartman actually felt bad for somebody 
                         and couldn't laugh at them.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Our little man is growing up, Stan. 
                         He's growing up.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, I guess we all are. Maybe things 
                         are finally gonna start getting a more 
                         sophisticated around here.
 
               [Close-up of the Thompsons taking turns kissing Ben Affleck. 
               Mrs. Thompson sobs and blows her nose.]
 
                                     STEVEN
                         Aw son! 

               THE END

How To Eat With Your Butt



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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