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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                     Episode 704


                              "I'M A LITTLE BIT COUNTRY"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [South Park Elementary, day. The bell rings. The fourth graders 
               are still chatting as Mr. Garrison enters.]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay, children, let's take our seats. 
                         Did you take attendance, Mr. Slave?
 
                         
                                     MR. SLAVE
                          All donesy wunsy. 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay, let's all take out our math homework 
                         and go over the problems.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Mmmath homework, Mmmath homework. Where 
                         did I file that?
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Oh, and by the way, children, there's 
                         a walkout scheduled today to protest 
                         the war in Iraq. So, uh, if you're against 
                         the war, run along outside, and if you're 
                         for the war, uh, stay here and we'll 
                         do math problems. 
 
               [South Park Elementary, front entrance. The door open and all 
               the kids run out. A cloud of paper signals their exit. Some of 
               them twirl with delight. The boys come out singing]
 
                                     THE BOYS
                         We got out of schoo-l! No more school 
                         toda-ay!
 
                                     KYLE
                         What should we do?

                                     STAN
                         Let's go see a movie! 

                                     PROTESTERS
                         No war! No war!  No war! No war!  No 
                         war! No war!  No war! No war! No war!
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          No war, m'kay?! No war, m'kay?! Oh 
                         uh, here you go, boys.  These will help 
                         you protest. It's good to see that you 
                         care about peace, boys, m'kay? No war, 
                         m'kay?!
 
                                     A VOICE
                         Excuse me, boys.  Tom Stansel, HBC news. 
                         Can you kids tell me why you marched 
                         out of school today? 
 
                                     STAN
                          Uh... war?

                                     TOM
                         Right. What about the war?

                                     KYLE
                          Ih ih ih-t's g-gay?

                                     TOM
                         Uh huh, and what aspect of it do you 
                         think is most gay?
 
                                     KYLE
                          Uuuh, n-no blood for oil.

                                     STAN
                         Yeah.  War is not my voice.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Bush is a Naizi

                                     SKEETER
                          Hey all you unAmerican bastards! If 
                         you don't like America, why don't you 
                         git out?! 
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Don't you call us unAmerican! This country 
                         was founded on the right to protest! 
                         M'kay?
 
                                     PROTESTERS
                         Yeah! Right!

                                     STUART
                         If the Founding Fathers saw you burning 
                         your flag an' callin' the President 
                         a Nazi, they'd roll over in their grave!
 
                         
                                     SUPPORTERS
                         Yeah! Right!

                                     RANDY
                         The Founding Fathers would agree with 
                         our right to protest!
 
                                     SKEETER
                         Foundin' Fathers would kick all your 
                         asses!
 
                                     TOM
                         Boys, what do you think the Founding 
                         Fathers would say?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         ...Eh the... Founding who? 

               [South Park Elementary, Garrison's classroom. He stares at the 
               children angrily, his arms crossed]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Well, I hope you little Commies are 
                         pretty pleased with yourselves!  Going 
                         out there and protesting America, and 
                         then saying on national television that 
                         you don't even know who the Founding 
                         Fathers are! You kids don't know squat 
                         about America, do you?!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Mmuh well, not really, no.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well that's just jingles! Because I'm 
                         assigning all you little flag-burners 
                         a full report on seventeen seventy-siyix, 
                         and the Founding Fathers!
 
                                     CLASS
                         Awwwwww!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         SHUT UP! I want you all in your study 
                         groups of four, and if you can't give 
                         an outstanding report on what the Founding 
                         Fathers would have to say about all 
                         this protesting, then it's Fs for you! 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Ugh. UGHuh.  I can't do it! This is 
                         waaay too much material for a nine-year-old! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                          Oh no you don't, Cartman! Every time 
                         we get put in a study group, you sit 
                         on your ass while the rest of us do 
                         all the work!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         But you guys are such better studiers 
                         than me. I know you can pull it off.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          You're gonna read this stuff and study 
                         like the rest of us!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Maaaa. M-maaaa.

                                     KYLE
                         Shut up and study!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Maaaa. Mah mah mh.  Hmmm, 1776. When 
                         our Founding Fathers created America. 
                         I wonder what it used to be like in 
                         those days?  In those days? In those 
                         days? In those days?
 
                                     KYLE
                          What are you doing?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm trying to have a flashback.

                                     KENNY
                         (A what?)

                                     CARTMAN
                         You know. If I have a flashback, then 
                         I can see what 1776 was like first-hand!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         No, you just have to study.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Nonono. I've seen this work before. 
                         Just give me a second.  Oh okay, okay. 
                         How about this: Say guys, 1776 was so 
                         long ago. I wonder what life would have 
                         been like back then?  Back then? Back 
                         then? Back then?  Um... Oh waitwait, 
                         I know, I know! Heheh, you know guys, 
                         I don't even care about 1776. It was 
                         so long ago, that I don't think it has 
                         anything to do with me.  With me. With... 
                         anything to do with me. With me.
 
                                     KYLE
                         That isn't gonna work, dumbass!

                                     MR. SLAVE
                         Kids, let's keep it down for study group, 
                         or else Mr. Garrison is going to punish 
                         me.
 
                                     STAN
                          Just face it, Cartman. You're gonna 
                         have to study!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Maaaaa. Meh mameh, Maaaaa!

               [South Park Avenue. The opposing groups face each other in front 
               of the tallest building in town. Skeeter paints a line across 
               the span of the street and looks up]
 
                                     SKEETER
                         There! All finished. From now on, this 
                         is the pro-war side of town, and that's 
                         the unpatriotic side. 
 
                                     RANDY
                         How about we call this the rational 
                         side of town, and that the redneck side?!
 
                         
                                     PROTESTERS
                         Hahahaha, yeah.

                                     JIMBO
                         You just keep all your flag burnin' 
                         and your hippie-rock protest songs on 
                         YOUR side o' the town!
 
                                     PROTESTER
                         Hey wait a minute, your side of town 
                         has the post office.
 
                                     STUART
                         Well your side has the grocery store.
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                         Well you can come to our side of town 
                         to use the post office and we can go 
                         to your side to use the grocery store.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Aaah, can we cross the line to take 
                         our kids to school?
 
                                     JIMBO
                         W-hell, naturally you could cross the 
                         line for that. Just like ...we could 
                         cross the line for hardware, supplies, 
                         gas, and pharmaceutical needs.
 
                                     TOWNSFOLK
                         Yup, yes sir, yeah, right, uh huh.
 
                         
                                     SKEETER
                         Hey everybody, this is never going to 
                         work. Don't you see? All this dividin' 
                         up the town, it's just ridiculous. What 
                         we really should be doing, is just beatin' 
                         the hell out of each other like we were.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         He's right.  Boy, do I feel like a fool. 
                         
 
               [Cartman's house, upstairs. The boys walk down the hallway and 
               reach Cartman's room. He's rigged up a way to ... knock himself 
               out. Three pulley wheels and a nail guide a string tied to the 
               door across the entrance, up the wall, and back to the top of 
               the door entrance. At the other end of the string is a big rock.]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         Cartman, what the hell are you doing?! 
                         You're suppsoed to be studying! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         That's what I'm doing. I'm about to 
                         find out all about what happened back 
                         in 1776. 
 
                                     STAN
                         How?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         All I have to do is be thinking about 
                         American history when I walk through 
                         this doorway. I'll trip the rope, causing 
                         the rock to fall on my head. And then 
                         I will have a flashback to the times 
                         of our Founding Fathers!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Cartman, you are hereby declared a full-fledged 
                         retard!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Haha, make fun of me all you want, Kyle! 
                         But I will have the last laugh. Gentlemen, 
                         if you will clear the doorway, please? 
                          Oh Gee. I wonder what it used to be 
                         like in the year 1776. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Cartman? Cartman?? 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Benjamin Franklin?

                                     KYLE
                         No, turdpants, it's Kyle!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Kyle! Get out of my flashback, you 
                         God-damned Jew!
 
               [City Hall, day. Both sides of the war issue are in the office.]
 
               
                                     TOWNSFOLK
                         Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! 
                         Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!
 
                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         Okay, people. What are we rabbling about 
                         now?
 
                                     RANDY
                          Mayor, our peace rally has always been 
                         set for this Saturday! Now, these pro-war 
                         bastards are suddenly trying to say 
                         they get the town square.
 
                                     SKEETER
                          That's bullcrap, Mayor! Our rally to 
                         support the war was set up months ago!
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         There was no war months ago!

                                     SKEETER
                         Hey, if you don't like America, then 
                         you can git out!
 
                                     RANDY
                         Look, nobody wants to hear a bunch of 
                         twangy country music prowar proopaganda!
 
                         
                                     STUART
                         Well nobody wants to hear a bunch o' 
                         rock protest songs! 
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Well up yours, rednecks!

                                     TOWNSFOLK
                         Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! 
                         Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!
 
                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         Quiet people! The town square is public 
                         space. That means if neither group will 
                         nicely and maturely move the day of 
                         its rally, I'll just have have to give 
                         the town square to both groups.
 
                                     JIMBO
                         All right, that's fine! Because our 
                         war support songs will be a thousand 
                         times better!
 
                                     RANDY
                         Oh, you think so? Bring the shizzle!
 
                         
                                     SKEETER
                         We'll trizzle the shizzle all over the 
                         hizzle!
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Yeah?! See you Saturday, makizzer shanna 
                         sharilla shaz biuznatch gazizzah!
 
                         
               [Cartman's house, night. The front door opens and in walk the 
               boys.]
 
                                     STAN
                         Cartman?

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman? You'd better be studying, God-damnit! 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ah, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, you're just in 
                         time.
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh no...

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh yes! I am just about to flash back 
                         to the days of our Foundig Fathers!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Cartman, you're supposed to be studying! 
                         What the hell is all this?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I have programmed TiVo to record over 
                         fifty hours of the History channel. 
                         When TiVo is full, both TiVo and I will 
                         be dropped into the water, combining 
                         our electrowhatever fields and sending 
                         me into a flashback of history!
 
                                     STAN
                         Uh Cartman, I think that's a really 
                         bad idea.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Or a really sweet one. 

                                     TIVO
                         Your TiVo is full.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Whoa, here it goes! 

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman?  Cartman??

                                     STAN
                         Aww crap.

               [The flashback. Cartman is seen in period dress, face down on 
               a dirt road. He comes to, looks up, sits up and looks around, 
               then notices his clothes. He quickly rises and looks at Philadelphia 
               in the distance.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ohhh awesome!!! 

                                     DRIVER
                         Worthy young lad, are you all right?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah yeah. Can you tell me what year 
                         it is?
 
                                     DRIVER
                         This year? Why it's 1776, it is.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oho yes! I did it I did it!

                                     DRIVER
                         Would you like a ride into town? I'm 
                         on my way to Master Thomas Jefferson's 
                         hosue to get a very important document, 
                         I am.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oho kick fucking ass, dude! 

                                     DRIVER
                         Never seen you around here, friend. 
                         Might you be from up North?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No, I'm not from here at all. I'm having 
                         a flashback.
 
                                     DRIVER
                         A flashback? Why, what is that?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well you know, it's a...  H-ho, awesome! 
                         
 
               Look at me, I'm back in time, in 1776.

               With gaslight corners, cobblestone streets, and humble houses 
               made of bricks.
 
               What a special magic time, and it's all alive for me

               I'm so glad Stan and Kyle aren't here. I hate those guys, seriously.
 
               
               Seriuosly hate those guys. Hate Stan and Kyle.

               [Hell's Pass Hospital, day, Cartman's recovery room. Cartman's 
               mom sits by his bed as Stan and Kyle look on. Dr. Doctor enters]
 
               
                                     LIANE
                          Is he going to be all right, doctor??
 
                         
                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         Your son tried to kill himself in a 
                         ritualistic fashion I've never seen 
                         before. His chances of surviving are 
                         very slim. I'm so sorry.
 
                                     LIANE
                          Oh baby baby, you can't die.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. We have a report to do, asshole! 
                         Get up! Get up!! 
 
                                     LIANE
                         Whoa. Easy, Kyle.

                                     KYLE
                         But it's not fair! We have to do a full 
                         report on the Founding Fathers, and 
                         Cartman got out of helping us again!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         I gues we're just gonna have to do it 
                         with the three of us! Come on, guys!
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                         I know you're in a very dark place now, 
                         sweetie. But you must come toward the 
                         light! Come toward the light!
 
               [Flashback, night. The driver and Cartman approach Jefferson's 
               house.]
 
                                     DRIVER
                         Here we are, then. The current residence 
                         of Master Thomas Jefferson.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Super neato! 

                                     DRIVER
                          I'm afraid you'll have to wait here.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         But, I need to talk to the Founding 
                         Fathers to do my report.
 
                                     DRIVER
                         Sorry. Only the official messenger boy 
                         is allowed to talk to Mister Jefferson
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, okay.I guess I understand.  I don't 
                         wanna wait for our life to be over... 
                          I don't wanna wait for our life to 
                         be over...
 
                                     JEFFERSON
                         Hello. I am Thomas Jefferson.

                                     CARTMAN
                         And I am the official messenger boy, 
                         I am.
 
                                     JEFFERSON
                          Very well. Take this document to the 
                         Continental Congress. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Wow, the Declaration of Independence 
                         Day.
 
                                     JEFFERSON
                         Some favir going to war with England 
                         and others want to avoid war at all 
                         cost.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         It's a bitch, ain't it?

                                     JEFFERSON
                         Perhaps this document will make the 
                         reasons for war obvious to all. Good 
                         luck, young messenger!  Now make haste!
 
                         
               [Stan's house, day. Kyle, Stan, and Kenny study at the coffee 
               table in the living room]
 
                                     STAN
                         Okay, so Thomas Jefferson wrote the 
                         Declaration of Independence, then the 
                         Continental Congress-
 
                                     PROTESTERS
                          No war! No war! No war!

                                     KYLE
                         Oh, Jesus...

                                     RANDY
                         Uh, boys, would you mind clearing the 
                         living room. We have to practice our 
                         big war protest song.
 
                                     STAN
                         Dad, we have to study. Mr. Garrison 
                         is making us do a presentation on what 
                         the Founding Fathers would say about 
                         the war.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Hey... That's a terrific idea!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Yeah! We could have the boys do their 
                         presentation as part of our peace rally 
                         on Saturday!
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh, no, nononono.

                                     SUPPORTERS
                          Support our troops! Support our troops! 
                         Support our troops!
 
                                     SKEETER
                         See? I told you they had your son.
 
                         
                                     STUART
                         Kenny. What are you doing over here 
                         with all these unAmerican traitors?!
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (I'm doing my homework.)

                                     RANDY
                         The boys are going to give a presentation 
                         at our rally about how the Founding 
                         Fathers would agree with our right to 
                         protest! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Actually, we hadn't really come to a 
                         decision-
 
                                     STUART
                         Look! My son is a patriot and LOVES 
                         his country!  Come on, Kenny!
 
                                     KENNY
                         (But Dad, I-)

                                     STUART
                         NOW!

                                     SKEETER
                         Yeah!

                                     SUPPORTERS
                         Support our troops! Support our troops! 
                         Support our troops! Support our troops! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                          Kenny, no- ohhh! Awww.  Awww, now we 
                         lost two in our study group!
 
                                     KYLE
                          God damnit!

                                     RANDY
                         Can you believe those hick sons of bitches? 
                         Manipulating those kids to be on their 
                         side.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Disgraceful! Stan and Kyle, it's up 
                         to you to show all those war-mongerers 
                         that the Founding Fathers agree with 
                         us!
 
                                     PROTESTER 1
                         Yeah, that's right!

                                     PROTESTER 2
                         Come on, guys!

                                     PROTESTER 3
                         Get back to work!

                                     KYLE
                         Do you think kids in every town have 
                         to deal with this crap?
 
               [Philadelphia, day. Independence Hall is shown. Cartman enters 
               and finds the Congress room. The doors open before him]
 
                                     A VOICE
                         Enter, young messenger.  I am John Hancock, 
                         President of the Congress.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Wow.

                                     HANCOCK
                         Mr. John Adams?

                                     ADAMS
                         Aye. 

                                     HANCOCK
                         Will you do the honors of reading the 
                         document to Congress, please? 
 
                                     ADAMS
                          WHEN in the Course of human Events, 
                         it becomes necessary for one People 
                         to rise up-  -we mutually pledge to 
                         each other our Lives, our Fortunes, 
                         and our sacred Honor.
 
               
               P.S. - Every Thursday should be Free Ice Cream Day. [rolls up 
               the Declaration. Cartman looks around]
 
                                     A CONGRESSMAN
                         Excuse me, but does this Declaration 
                         actually suggest that we should go to 
                         go war with England?
 
                                     ADAMS
                         We have no choice, Mr. Dickinson. 
 
                         
               [South Park, day. The town square stage. On stage are decorations 
               for the two sides. On the left is a large peace sign on a green 
               curtain surrounded by peace signs and protest signs, on the right 
               is a large eagle surrounded by yellow ribbons. Both groups are 
               on stage]
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         All right everyone, thank you all for 
                         comin' out to protest the war, m'kay? 
                         .
 
                                     SKEETER
                         Don't kid yourselves. These people have 
                         come out to support our troops, right?! 
                         
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         And now, Randy Marsh is gonna sing a 
                         protest song he wrote about the war.
 
                         
                                     SKEETER
                         Oh no you don't! We're doing our pro-war 
                         song first!
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Yeah! The last thing these people want 
                         is a bleedin'-heart rock protest song!
 
                         
                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                          People, I told you, you have to share 
                         the stage.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Nobody wants to here another pro-war 
                         country song!
 
                                     SKEETER
                         Well excuse me if...

               I'm a little bit country.

                                     RANDY
                         Well I'm a little bit rock-n-roll!
 
                         
                                     SKEETER
                         I'm a little for supportin' our troops.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         And I'm a little for bringin' them home.
 
                         
                                     SKEETER
                         I believe freedom isn't free.

                                     RANDY
                         No, but war shouldn't be our goal.
 
                         
                                     SKEETER
                         We must defend our country.

                                     RANDY
                         If it means war, then we say NO!

                                     SOMEBODY
                         Yeehaw!

                                     SKEETER
                         

               Did you forget them towers in New York?

               Did you forget how it made you feel

               To see them towers come down?

               Were you like me? Did you think it weren't real?

                                     RANDY
                         I like to rock, but I don't wanna rock 
                         Iraq!
 
               The only kind of rockin' America should do is the kind that we 
               can all dance to, yeah!
 
                                     SKEETER
                         We got GPS, ICBMs, and good old-fashioned 
                         lead.
 
               We're gonna show Saddam what America means; that son of a bitch 
               will be dead.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Why are we fightin' this war?

               There's a man in the office we didn't vote for.

               They didn't give me a choice.

               War is not my voice! Yeaaaaahhhh!

               [Philadelphia, day, Independence Hall. There's plenty of argument 
               going on]
 
                                     ADAMS
                         We must go to war!

                                     DICKINSON
                         But what about the violence?! The lives 
                         lost?! If we found a country, it should 
                         be founded on peace and diplomacy.
 
                         
                                     CONGRESSMAN 1
                         England will only understand one thing: 
                         Force.
 
                                     CONGRESSMAN 2
                          I must state again for the record that 
                         South Carolina, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, 
                         Maryland, and Georgia are against war! 
                         
 
                                     CONGRESSMAN 3
                         Yeah, because you don't care about the 
                         fate of the Colonies like we do! You're 
                         all unpatriotic! And if you don't like 
                         the Colonies, then you can git out!
 
                         
                                     DICKINSON
                         Don't you call us unpatriotic! We're 
                         protesting this war because we care 
                         so deeply for the fate of our Colonies! 
                         You are all unpatriotic for leading 
                         the Colonies into a war that half of 
                         them don't want! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Whoa, how very very relevant.

               [South Park, day, town square. The rally is still going on, and 
               a reporter files the following report]
 
                                     TOM
                         Tom, I'm standing in the town square 
                         where the war rally has been going on 
                         for an incredible eighty-seven hours. 
                         The crowd still appears to be split 
                         right down the middle - half of them 
                         support country music, and the other 
                         half rock-n-roll. Let's listen in.
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         And now we'd like to bring out a couple 
                         of very special South Park students 
                         who did a report on what the Founding 
                         Fathers would have to say about the 
                         war. 
 
                                     PROTESTERS
                         Booooo!!

                                     RANDY
                          For you people who still think war 
                         is the answer, perhaps you can listen 
                         to the voices ... of the children. 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Uh, we didn't do it.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         What?

                                     KYLE
                         We didn't do our homework.

                                     SHARON
                         Boys! You were supposed to come out 
                         here and tell everyone about the Founding 
                         Fathers!
 
                                     STAN
                         Well, first we lost one study partner 
                         when Cartman put himself in the hospital, 
                         and then they took Kenny away, and then 
                         Kyle forgot to set his clock ahead for 
                         Dalight Saving, so we couldn't find 
                         anything in the history books about 
                         Iraq and then-
 
                                     SKEETER
                         That's because the Founding Fathers 
                         would have supported the war!
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         The Founding Fathers would have protested 
                         like us!
 
                                     SUPPORTERS
                         Support!

                                     PROTESTERS
                         Protest!

                                     SUPPORTERS
                         Country!

                                     PROTESTERS
                         Rock-n-roll!

               [the two sides charge at each other on stage, then off stage. 
               They attack each other with their signs. One man drives his "War 
               is not my voice" sign straight down into another man's head. 
               A man drives his "Bush is a Nazi" sign up a woman's nose after 
               she swats him with her "Support Your Troops" sign. A woman strikes 
               someone else down with her "No Blood for Oil" sign. Stan and 
               Kyle just look on]
 
               [Philadelphia, day, Independence Hall. There's plenty of argument 
               still going on]
 
                                     CONGRESSMEN
                         Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble 
                         Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble!
 
                         
                                     DICKINSON
                         We cannot found a country based on war!
 
                         
                                     ADAMS
                         We cannot found a country that is afraid 
                         to fight!
 
                                     CONGRESSMAN
                         Rabble!

                                     CONGRESSMEN
                         Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble 
                         Rabble!  Oh my, it's Benjamin Franklin. 
                         It's Benjamin Franklin. It's Benjamin 
                         Franklin. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, it's Benjamin Franklin. It's Benjamin 
                         Franklin. It's Benjamin Franklin.
 
                         
                                     HANCOCK
                         Mr. Franklin, where do you stand on 
                         the war issue?
 
                                     FRANKLIN
                         I believe that if we are to form a new 
                         country, we cannot be a country that 
                         appears war-hungry and violent to the 
                         rest of the world. However, we also 
                         cannot be a country that appears weak 
                         and unwilling to fight to the rest of 
                         the world. So, what if we form a country 
                         that appears to want both?
 
                                     JEFFERSON
                         Yes. Yes of course. We go to war, and 
                         protest going to war at the same time.
 
                         
                                     DICKINSON
                         Right. If the people of our new country 
                         are allowed to do whatever they wish, 
                         then some will support the war and some 
                         will protest it.
 
                                     FRANKLIN
                         And that means that as a nation, we 
                         could go to war with whomever we wished, 
                         but at the same time, act like we didn't 
                         want to. If we allow the people to protest 
                         what the government does, then the country 
                         will be forever blameless.
 
                                     ADAMS
                          It's like having your cake, and eating 
                         it, too.
 
                                     CONGRESSMAN 2
                         Think of it: an entire nation founded 
                         on saying one thing and doing another.
 
                         
                                     HANCOCK
                         And we will call that country the United 
                         States of America.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Wow, I get it now! I get it!  Whoa, 
                         here it goes. I wish I could go back 
                         to my time. To my time, to, to my time.
 
                         
               [Hell's Pass Hospital, day, Cartman's room. Cartman comes to 
               and looks around]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Wow!

               [South Park, town square. The townsfolk are still attacking each 
               other and killing more of their number. One man kills another 
               with a "PEACE NOW" sign. A war supporter runs a flag pole through 
               a protester, then pulls it back out again. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny 
               watch from the other end of the square, towards the stage as 
               the carnage continues]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Everyone, stop! Please! 

                                     TOWNSMAN
                         The-the child! The child, from the hospital.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         If you all don't mind, I would like 
                         to do my report now. I know what the 
                         founding fathers would say.
 
                                     STAN
                         He does? 

                                     KYLE
                         He does?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I learned somethin' today. This country 
                         was founded by some of the smartest 
                         thinkers the world has ever seen. And 
                         they knew one thing: that a truely great 
                         country can go to war, and at the same 
                         time, act like it doesn't want to.  
                         You people who are for the war, you 
                         need the protesters. Because they make 
                         the country look like it's made of sane, 
                         caring individuals. And you people who 
                         are anti-war, you need these flag-wavers, 
                         because, if our whole country was made 
                         up of nothing but soft pussy protesters, 
                         we'd get taken down in a second. That's 
                         why the founding fathers decided we 
                         should have both. It's called "having 
                         your cake and eating it too."
 
                                     RANDY
                         He's right. The strength of this country 
                         is the ability to do one thing and say 
                         another.
 
                                     SKEETER
                         Yeah, but... if it weren't for all you 
                         guys protesting, why everyone around 
                         the world would hate the American people 
                         instead of just the President.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         And if it weren't for you people flexing 
                         your arms, America could easily get 
                         taken over by terrorists or... or China.
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         I guess we... owe you an apology.

                                     STUART
                         Eh-ah, I guess we owe you one.

                                     TOWNSFOLK
                         Awww. 

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman? Cartman saved the day?

                                     STAN
                         Can't be

                                     CARTMAN
                         The Founding Fathers want you all to 
                         know that we can disagree all we want, 
                         as long as we agree that America kicks 
                         ass.
 
                                     SKEETER
                         Hey I'm a little bit country

                                     RANDY
                         And I'm a little bit rock-n-roll-eh 
                         
 
                                     SKEETER
                         I'll be the muscle of America

                                     RANDY
                         And me, I'll be the caring soul.

                                     TOGETHER
                         When you put us together you get a nation 
                         with one goal
 
               To thrive and prosper, with a little country and rock and roll.
 
               
                                     RANDY
                         Come on up here, everybody! 

                                     EVERYBODY
                         We're a little bit country, and we're 
                         a little bit rock-n-roll
 
                                     STUART
                         We can be a nation that believe in war,
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         And still tells the world that we don't. 
                         
 
                                     EVERYBODY
                         Let the flag for hyprocisy fly high 
                         from every pole
 
               We're a little bit country, and we're a little bit rock-n-roll
 
               
                                     RANDY
                         Well, goodnight everybody. It sure has 
                         been great bringing you a hundred episodes.
 
                         
                                     SKEETER
                         We want to thank our guests, the pro-war 
                         people.  And the anti-war people. 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         What the hell are they doing now?

                                     KYLE
                          Ah I don't know.

                                     EVERYBODY
                         For the war, against, the war, WHO CARES?? 
                         One hundred episodes! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         I hate this town. Ah I really really 
                         do.
 
               THE END

I'm A Little Bit Country



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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