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ALL SCRIPTS



 
                                       "SOUTH PARK"

                                       Episode 204

                                     "IKE'S WEE WEE"

                                        Written by

                                       Trey Parker



               [South Park Elementary, Garrison's classroom]

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay, children. Let's take our seats. 
                         This morning we're going to have a special 
                         lecture by your school counselor, Mr. 
                         Mackey 
 
                                     STAN
                          Booooo!

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Nuh-now, who was that?  That is not 
                         appropriate behavior, okay?
 
                                     STAN
                         I'm sorry Mr. Mackey, mkay?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Uh. That's okay, just don't let it happen 
                         again.
 
                                     KYLE
                          We won't let it happen again, Mr. Mackey, 
                         mkay? 
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Uh, okay, okay, that's fine.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Okay.  Now, uh, as your counselor, I'm 
                         here to tell you about drugs and alcohol 
                         and why they're bad, mkay? Uhso, first 
                         of all, uh, smokin's bad.  You shouldn't 
                         smoke. Anduh, alcohol is bad.  You shouldn't 
                         drink alcohol. Anduh, as for drugs, 
                         well, drugs are bad. You shouldn't do 
                         drugs. Okay, that about wraps up my 
                         introduction, now uh, are there any 
                         questions?  Yes, Stan?
 
                                     STAN
                         Why do dogs have cold noses?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Uuuuh, well I'm not sure.

                                     STAN
                         Oooh.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Now-uh, let's focus our discussion first 
                         on marijawana . Marijawana's bad, and 
                         it also has a very distinct smell, mkay? 
                         I'm gonna pass around just a little 
                         tiny bit and I want you all to take 
                         a smell , so you know when someone is 
                         smoking marijawana near you. Mkay, just 
                         take a smell, pass it on,  and when 
                         it gets back up to me,  we'll finish 
                         talking about it. In the meantime, I 
                         want to get into alcohol a little, okay? 
                         Uh, Alcohol is bad, Uh-if you drink 
                         alcohol you…
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey, are you guys gonna come to Ike's 
                         party this weekend?
 
                                     STAN
                         Your little brother's having a party? 
                         Why, is it his birthday?
 
                                     KYLE
                         No, it's his bris.

                                     CARTMAN
                         What the hell is a bris?

                                     KYLE
                         I don't know. But there's gonna be lots 
                         of food. And a band.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ah, kick ass! I wanna have a bris.
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         …and so uh, that's why alcohol is bad. 
                         Uh, ha- has that marijawana made it 
                         back up here yet?  No-oh, okay. Let's 
                         talk about LSD . Uh, children, LSD ih-is 
                         bad. It's a drug made famous by John 
                         Lennon and Paul McCartney…
 
                                     STAN
                         Hey, are we supposed to get your little 
                         brother presents for a bris?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Uuuh. I'm not sure.

                                     STAN
                         Welluh dude, you'd better find out!
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Boys, are you paying attention?

                                     STAN
                         Sorry, Mr. Mackey, okay?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Okay. Now, children, has that marijawana 
                         made it around yet?  Uuuh, who-? Who 
                         has the marijawana now?  Um mm mkay, 
                         whoeh, whoever has the marijawana, just- 
                         pass it up to the front roww, mkay? 
                          Whoa oh.
 
               [Principal Victoria's office. Somebody's gonna get it]

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         I am very disappointed in you, young 
                         man. You should be ashamed of yourself. 
                         What could have possessed you to be 
                         so stupid? 
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         I'm sorry, Prinshipal Victoria.

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         We-hell, 'sorry' isn't going to cut 
                         the cheese this time, mister! I'm afraid 
                         I'm going to have to suspend you from 
                         school.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         You mean I'm fired?

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Well, I guess that's a grown-up way 
                         to put it, yes.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         But- but it was an honest error of judgment, 
                         nkay? I- I really thought it was important 
                         for the kids to know the smell of marijawana, 
                         okay?
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         It was an error of judgment, Mr. Mackey, 
                         but I'm afraid I have to let you go 
                         for it. We searched each one of those 
                         kids, but came up empty.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Buh-

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         We had to let them go home, and one 
                         of them now has half a lid of Jamaican 
                         grass because of you!
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Huh, how am I going to make ends meet? 
                         M- mkay? Wha-what will I do for money??
 
                         
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         There, there, now. Maybe this will all 
                         blow over some day and we can give you 
                         a job as a janitor cleaning up vomit 
                         with that pink sawdust stuff.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          No-uho-uho-uho! I'm  not o-uho-uhokay!
 
                         
               [Bus stop. The kids leave the bus and Mrs. Crabtree peels away 
               screaming]
 
                                     STAN
                         Man! That sucked, getting searched. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, my ass is killing me.

                                     KYLE
                         Why did they search us? That marijawana 
                         never even made it to us.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I wonder who took it…

               [Garrison's house. He's looking sleepily at Teletubbies]

                                     A TELETUBBY
                         Bye.

                                     VOICE-OVER
                         And now it's almost time for bye-bye. 
                         
 
               [The boys are walking home when Chef drives up to them]

                                     CHEF
                         Hello there, children!

                                     BOYS
                         Hey, Chef.

                                     KYLE
                         How's it going?

                                     CHEF
                         Bad.

                                     KYLE
                         Why bad?

                                     CHEF
                         Children, I heard about what happened 
                         at school today. Now, none of you took 
                         that nasty marijuana, did you?
 
                                     STAN
                         No, dude! We never even saw it!

                                     CHEF
                         Okay. Because I just want to tell you 
                         that DRUGS ARE BAD!
 
                                     STAN
                         We know, we know, that's what everybody 
                         says!
 
                                     CHEF
                         Right. Bud do you know WHY they're bad?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Because they're an addictive solution 
                         to a greater problem, causing disease 
                         of both body and mind, the consequences 
                         far outweighing their supposed benefits.
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         And do you have any idea what that means?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         No.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I know. Drugs are bad because if you 
                         do drugs, you're a hippie. And hippies 
                         suck.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Look, children. This is all I'm goin' 
                         to say about drugs- stay away from them. 
                         There's a time and place for everything, 
                         and it's called, 'College.' Do you understand?
 
                         
                                     BOYS
                         Dude!

                                     CHEF
                         Okay. 

                                     KYLE
                         Hey! Are you going to come to Ike's 
                         bris this weekend?
 
                                     CHEF
                          Oh, hell no! I can't bear to see that!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Whatta you mean?!

                                     CHEF
                         Don't you boys know what a bris is? 
                         They're going to circumcise him.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Wo-what's that?

                                     CHEF
                         Oh boy. Here we go again.  Children. 
                         Uuuh. What's the one thing that's more 
                         sacred to a man than anything else in 
                         the world?
 
                                     STAN
                         Haaa-a bicycle?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ham?

                                     KYLE
                         No, not ham, you fat fuck!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Screw you! It's ham, isn't it?

                                     CHEF
                         Nono no, children, I'm talkin' about 
                         the most important part of a man's body.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Your heart?

                                     STAN
                         Your eyes!

                                     CHEF
                         Tsk. 

                                     KENNY
                         (Ooh, your penis!)

                                     CHEF
                         That's right.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey! My mom says you're not supposed 
                         to call it a penis, Kenny! You're supposed 
                         to call it a fireman.
 
                                     CHEF
                         A fireman?

                                     CARTMAN
                         That's the proper way of sayingn it, 
                         or else you get a spanking.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Goddammit, children! Why do I always 
                         have to be the one to explain all this 
                         stuff to you?  Ask your parents for 
                         once!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey, wait! 

                                     STAN
                         Dude, something tells me this bris thing 
                         isn't good.
 
               [Mr. Mackey is walking the streets of South Park, quite depressed. 
               A car pulls up and the driver honks twice. Mr. Mackey looks to 
               see who it is]
 
                                     FEMALE PASSENGER
                         Hey, Mackey, you got any more pot? My 
                         four-year old needs a fix. Yehahahahaha 
                         
 
                                     DRIVER 1
                          Hey, Mackey! Now we see what you and 
                         Homer Simpson have in common: Dope! 
                          Ha ha ha ha! 
 
                                     DRIVER 2
                         Heeey, Mackey!

                                     DRIVER 3
                         Hey, Mackey! Why did the drug user cross 
                         the road?
 
                                     DRIVER 3'S PASSENGER
                         Who do you think you are, you stupid 
                         drug-taking hippie?! You damn hippies 
                         are all alike!
 
                                     DRIVER 4
                         Won't you leave the guy alone? 

                                     DRIVER 5
                         Hey, Mackey! You gonna do some drugs?
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Uuuuuugh! 

                                     BARTENDER
                         Yeh-I don't think I've seen you around 
                         here wafore.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Naw uh-I jus', I had to get away, nkeh-ughuh. 
                         I just lost my job.
 
                                     BARTENDER
                         Oh that's weak, man. You know what you 
                         need? You need a good stiff drink. 
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Ohuh uh I don't drink, mkay?

                                     BARTENDER
                         Trust me, man! Yit'll make you feel 
                         better. 
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Ughuh.  Drinkin's bad.

                                     DEVIL
                          Go ahead. Drink the beer. It'll calm 
                         you down.
 
                                     ANGEL
                          Yeah. Why the hell not? It's just a 
                         beer. Don't be such a pussy, ookay? 
                         
 
                                     BARTENDER
                          How do you feel?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          Woh, about the same.

                                     BARTENDER
                         Whuh, you just need something a little 
                         stronger. 
 
               [The boys minus Stan are at the curb working on an ice sculpture 
               of South Park]
 
                                     STAN
                          Kyle! You have to stop them!

                                     KYLE
                         Stop who?

                                     STAN
                         Dude! I found out what a bris is! I 
                         found out what they're gonna do to Ike!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         What?

                                     STAN
                         They're gonna chop off his weewee! 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Chop off his weewee?! Are you sure?!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, dude! It's a Jewish tradition! 
                         It's called a circumstision!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Dude! That is not cool! Choppin' off 
                         weewees is not cool!
 
                                     KYLE
                         That can't be true! My parents wouldn't 
                         do that!
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, I asked five different people. 
                         They said all Jewish boys have circumstisions. 
                         Anduh, and they make it into a party 
                         called a bris.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Dude, yuh-eh-ehyou just don't - chop 
                         off somebody's fireman.
 
                                     KYLE
                         I won't believe it. I won't. I have 
                         to ask my mom and dad! 
 
               [Mr. Mackey is walking towards his house]

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         

               We are young, nkay?

               # Heartache to heartache, we stand, 'kay? [checks the mail, then 
               toddles away]
 
               No promises, no demands, han, han, 'kay?

               # [tries to put the key in the lock, but fails at it]

               
               Hoowhoa! Is this my house?

                                     LANDLORD
                          Your key ain't gonna work, Mackey! 
                         I changed the locks!
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Why, Mr. Freeley?

                                     MR. FREELEY
                         I'm not rentin' to you anymore! I heard 
                         that you got fired from your job for 
                         selling drugs to children!
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         No no no! 'Kay? Ih, it wasn't like that.
 
                         
                                     MR. FREELEY
                         Drugs are an illegal narcotic! And having 
                         never taken drugs, I can say that they 
                         have nothing to offer!
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         But I've never taken drugs either.
 
                         
                                     MR. FREELEY
                         I've never taken drugs, and look at 
                         me! I'm totally fine! Now get off my 
                         property before I lose control and kill 
                         you! 
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Huuhh?  OW, ukay?!

                                     MR. FREELEY
                         Drug user! Druuug user!

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          Uh, uh. 

                                     MR. FREELEY
                         Come back here, dammit!

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Whoa, wait! 

               [Kyle's home. Decorations for the bris are going up]

               Happy Bris Ike

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Just a little higher. 

                                     KYLE
                          Mom, Dad!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh! Hi, bubbeleh. I'm so glad you're 
                         here. You can help us decorate for the 
                         party!
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Your mother's made gehakafakah.

                                     CARTMAN
                         What the hell is 'gehakafakah?'

                                     KYLE
                         Mom, Dad? What exactly is this party 
                         for?! 
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         To celebrate your little brother's passage 
                         into life. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Meaning what?

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Meaning we're going to circumcise him. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         They are gonna cut off his fireman.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         It's Jewish tradition, bubbe.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Normally, we'd do it right after the 
                         baby is born. But we had to do it later 
                         for Ike because he's a-
 
                                     KYLE
                         Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! 

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Oooh, now, what's gotten into him?! 
                         Stan, will you go talk to him? 
 
                                     BOTH PARENTS
                          Let us cut off your  peewee, Stan!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Aaaaaaaaaaaa!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Aaaah-that's the sickest friggin' thing-run, 
                         ruuun!
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Jesus Christ!) 

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oygh, what is the matter with them?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          I can't believe my parents are cannibals!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         What are you goin' to do, dude?

                                     KYLE
                         I have to save my little brother! I 
                         have to send him away until my parents 
                         come to their senses!  Come on, Ike!
 
                         
                                     IKE
                         I'm right behound. 

                                     KYLE
                         Cover me for a while. I'll find a place 
                         to hide him and come back.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No way, dude! We're not staying alone 
                         in your house with your weewee-choppin' 
                         parents!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Just give me thirty minutes. Come on, 
                         Ike!
 
               [A dark alley. Mackey is sleeping under some pages from a newspaper, 
               now that he has no job or home]
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Hoh! I can't sleep, it's too cold, nkay?
 
                         
                                     BUM
                         Hey! Do you want somethin' to warm you 
                         up?
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          Oh uh, no-I didn't know this dark alley 
                         was taken.
 
                                     BUM
                         Here. Try this, it'll warm you up.
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Uuh, uh-uh-m marijawana's bad.

                                     BUM
                         What?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Uuh, ma-marijawana makes you feel depressed 
                         and low, mkay?
 
                                     BUM
                         And you don't feel that way now?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Hoh, good point.  No, I don't feel any 
                         differun-ooo  Hoh, baby, get down, mkay?
 
                         
                                     BUM
                          Uh huh.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          Man, this alley is cool! It's so alive 
                         and beautiful! 
 
                                     BUM
                         Ooh boy.

               
               SOUTH PARK TRAIN STATION

               [A train is waiting to depart]

               TICKETS

                                     KYLE
                         Come on, Ike. Hurry up!

                                     IKE
                         I tot I nuruh.

                                     KYLE
                         Where's the next train going?

                                     CLERK
                         Lincoln, Nebraska. Train leaves in five 
                         minutes.
 
                                     KYLE
                         You wanna go to Nebraska, Ike?

                                     IKE
                         No-oh.

                                     KYLE
                         I need one ticket for my little brother.
 
                         
                                     CLERK
                         That's a little brother? I thought it 
                         was a trashcan or smething. What's wrong 
                         with his head? 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Huh?

                                     CLERK
                         I'm sorry, but we just can't throw Caucasian 
                         babies on an outbound train.
 
                                     KYLE
                         But my parents are gonna cut off his 
                         ding-dong!
 
                                     CLERK
                         What?! Why the hell would they do that?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         They've just gone crazy for a while. 
                         Please, misteruh, I have to hide my 
                         brother until they come to their senses.
 
                         
                                     CLERK
                         No can do, sonny.

                                     KYLE
                         Dammit!  Ike. If you wanna keep your 
                         penis, you have to get on this train. 
                          Ready Ike? Kick the baby!
 
                                     IKE
                         Don't kick the baby!

                                     KYLE
                          Bye, Ike! Be safe! I'll come find you 
                         in Nebraska when Mom and Dad are back 
                         to normal!
 
                                     IKE
                         Buhbye.

               [Some woods near the town, daytime. Mr. Mackey is dazed and confused. 
               A Seinfeldesque riff plays]
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Oh, man, where am I?

                                     TEEN 1
                         Hey, wow, it's that counselor from elementary 
                         school, Mr. Mackey.
 
               Legalize

               Everything

                                     TEEN 2
                         Wow, dude.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Uh- Hi, boys. How are you today?

                                     TEEN 1
                         Pretty good, man. How are you?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Oh, I've been better. I've been kicked 
                         out of town for doing drugs.
 
                                     TEEN 1
                         Hey, us too!

                                     TEEN 2
                         Yeah, remember? You caught us smoking 
                         weed in the bathroom and got us suspended.
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Oh. O fortune! Uh-how you mock me!
 
                         
                                     TEEN 1
                         Oh, cheer up, bro. All you need is some 
                         clear liquid to get your head straight.
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Uh. uh-boys, ele- LSD is bad.  Hmmm. 
                          Hey uh, who put all this cotton in 
                         my mouth?  Yeah! Baby! The world is 
                         so small.  I'm free! I'm free!
 
                                     TEEN 2
                         Sweet, dude. Totally killer.

                                     TEEN 1
                         That guy's totally tripping. 

               [Bus stop. Kyle has met the boys there and is working on a doll]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         There! What do you think?

                                     CARTMAN
                         What the hell is that supposed to be?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         I'm making a dummy Ike doll. My parents 
                         think he's out with me right now, and 
                         I have to bring him back for dinner.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Dude, I think your mom is going to notice 
                         that isn't Ike.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Not if I say he's sick and put him to 
                         bed right away. 
 
                                     SYLVESTER
                         Grrrrrrr.  Rowrf! Grrr.

                                     KYLE
                         No! Go away! Bad dog! 

                                     STAN
                         Dude, what did you make that doll out 
                         of?
 
                                     KYLE
                         I used a bunch of bones from the butcher 
                         shop.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ey, is that why it stinks so bad?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          Hii, booyys.

                                     BOYS
                         Hi, Mr. Mackey.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Are you boys stayin' out of trou-ble?
 
                         
                                     BOYS
                         Yes.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Okay, I- I'm just gonna go over here 
                         for a while. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Anyway, I need you guys to help me so 
                         that my parents don't realize Ike is 
                         gone.  Knock it off, asshole!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No way! I'm never going back to your 
                         parents' house!
 
                                     STAN
                         Come on, dude. If it was your little 
                         brother, we'd help you. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Eech.  Wait a minute! No you wouldn't!
 
                         
               
               TRAIN STATION

               
               Welcome to

               NEBRASKA

               [The train comes to a stop. A door opens, and Ike is booted out]
 
               
                                     IKE
                         Oh.  Oooh. 

                                     WOMAN
                         Oh, would you look at that, honey? Somebody 
                         dropped off a perfectly good trashcan! 
                         
 
                                     IKE
                         Yeah. No more walbolching! 

               [Kyle's house. The boys return from the bus stop]

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Bubbe, where have you been?! Dinner's 
                         been ready for five minutes!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Sorry, Mom. I just had to deal with 
                         Ike. He, he's been cranky. 
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         How is my little jellybean?

                                     KYLE
                          Bye-bye seeme mama.  Ah, I'm gonna 
                         take him up to the bathroom to get washed 
                         up. 
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Okay, but first let Mommy give you a 
                         kiss. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         No Mommyuh he, he doesn't want you kissing 
                         him! 
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Aaaaargh! Omigod, make him stop!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         AAAAAAAAAA!

                                     KYLE
                         Put him down, you stupid dog!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         My baby! Oh, God, the horror! 

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Get out of here, you mutt! Let him go! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          OoooohhhhhhOOH-ho. Oooh, my baby! Bubbeleh 
                         mine!  Waaaaaaa!!  My baby!!
 
                                     DRIVER
                         Huuh? 

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Aaagh aaaaaaa!  Oh, he's dead, he's 
                         dead! My little bubbeleh's dead!
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         There there, Shei-hla. There's nothing 
                         we can do. 
 
               [The funeral. Ike's casket is being lowered into the plot. Present 
               at the funeral are the Marshes and the Broflovskis, Jimbo, Ned, 
               Barbrady, a piper, and the priest, dressed as a rebbe]
 
                                     PRIEST
                         'Yea, usher us unto the Lord,' saith 
                         some Jewish guy once. Ashes to ashes 
                         and dust to dust 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey, wait a minute. How come Ike's tombstone 
                         has the Canadian flag on it?
 
               IKE MOISHA BROFLOVSKI

               1996-1998

               BORN A CANADIAN, DIED AN AMERICAN

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Well, bubbe, there's something you have 
                         to know. Ike wasn't really your brother-he 
                         was adopted.
 
                                     KYLE
                         What???

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         He was not really a Broflovski, he was 
                         Canadian. But we loved him all the same 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         You mean to tell me that all this time 
                         I've been trying to protect Ike from 
                         having his fireman cut off, and he's 
                         not even my real brother?!
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         What are you talking about?

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, Ike isn't dead. He's in Nebraska! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Whatwhatwhaaat?!

                                     STAN
                         Dude, you shouldn't have told them that. 
                         Now they're gonna find him and cut off 
                         his penis!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Fireman!

                                     KYLE
                         Ooh, who the hell cares? He's not even 
                         my responsibility.
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Hey!)  (Hey, you guys! I'm dying-!) 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                          Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!

                                     KYLE
                          You bastards! 

                                     PRIEST
                          Yea, let us ponder the Lord's mercy. 
                         Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. 
 
               [somewhere in South Park, after the funeral. Jimbo and Ned pass 
               Mackey on the sidewalk. Mackey's eyes are bloodshot. Jimbo and 
               Mackey bump shoulders.]
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Get outta the way, you damn hippie!
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          I don't need to take you right-wing 
                         authroritative bullshit!
 
                                     JIMBO
                         What?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Aw, you're just like the government, 
                         man! Trying to prosecute outta one side 
                         of your mouth, okay, while supporting 
                         guns outta the other, 'kay?
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Aw, why don't you go to a Grateful Dead 
                         concert?
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         I can't, man. Jerry Berry's dead, nkay?
 
                         
                                     BLONDE
                         He-e-ey, man, I overheard what you said; 
                         that was coool!
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Wha-oh. Thanks, man.

                                     BLONDE
                         Would you like to come over to my place 
                         and fingerpaint?
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          Sure, man. Fingerpaintin's cool, 'kay? 
                         
 
               [Lincoln, Nebraska, train station. The Broflovskis get off the 
               train, Kyle first]
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Now, where did you leave him, young 
                         man?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Aw, how the hell should I know?

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Gerald, do something about your smartass 
                         son!
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Uuuh. Mind your… mother, smartass.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         If we don't find him, so help me, you're 
                         gonna be grounded for a month!  Ike, 
                         love?
 
                                     KYLE
                          All the time: "Look out for your little 
                         brother, Kyle," "take care of your little 
                         brother, Kyle," and he wasn't even really 
                         my little brother.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Kyle, just because Ike is adopted doesn't 
                         make him any less your brother.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, right!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          Excuse me, we're looking for a two-year 
                         old Canadian boy.
 
                                     CLERK
                         Two-year old Canadian boy, two-year 
                         old Canadian boy- oh, I think they might 
                         have one of those down at Hap's bar.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          Come on!!

               
               HAP'S

               BAR

               [The Broflovskis enter and scan the room, Ike is being used as 
               a base at one table. The camera pans back to him]
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          Ike!

                                     IKE
                         Mamatoedoe.

                                     BARKEEP
                         Hey, lady, that's my table post! You 
                         can't have that!
 
               [Mr. Mackey and the blonde are in bed admiring the fingerpainting 
               they have done all over the room, including the ceiling]
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Wow, man. You know, it's like… you go 
                         through life thinking that you're an 
                         individual, nkay? And then you realize 
                         that you're more than that, 'kay. We're 
                         all just one big individual, 'kay?
 
                         
                                     BLONDE
                         Let's get married and have a honeymoon 
                         in India.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          Nkay. 

               [Kyle's house. Home sweet cell]

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Now you march to your room, and you 
                         think about what you've done!
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         But first apologize to your brother
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          He's not my brother!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Apologize to him!

                                     KYLE
                          I'm sorry, Ike. 

                                     IKE
                         Uh oh, stufid. 

               [Somewhere in India, Mackey and the blonde are hiking. Elephants 
               bathe in the river below them]
 
                                     BLONDE
                         Wooow, this is sooo beautiful!

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          I am one with the animals! And the 
                         trees!
 
                                     BLONDE
                         And I am one with you! 

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         At long last I have found

               A true reason to be

               Now I feel I can start anew-

               # [Mr. T flies onto him and pins him. Two other men come and 
               pick him up, then all three rough him up]
 
               
               Woo, whoa! Ow! Hey! [they carry him away] Uh oh hel-m. Hey!
 
               
                                     BLONDE
                          Whoa!

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          Yeah I got-, mkay?

               [Inside the van. Jimbo is driving, with Ned sitting next to him. 
               Mr. Mackey sits between Mr, T and Mr. Garrison]
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Uh- What the hell is going on?!

                                     JIMBO
                         Tough love, Mr. Mackey. We're taking 
                         you to rehab.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         I don't want to go to rehab. I haven't 
                         even done drugs in weeks!
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         We were wrong for shunning you, Mr. 
                         Mackey, and we apologize. We should 
                         have realized that you needed help.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Yeah, now we're gonna make sure you 
                         get the help you need.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         I don't want help!

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         You're gonna thank us later. 

               [The big day is here. Guests are arriving]

               Welcome to

               IKE'S	

               BRIS

               FUNERAL

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Hello, Tom. Hello, Patty. Thanks for 
                         coming to Ike's bris.
 
                                     IKE
                         Uh oh.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Look Ike, It's Uncle Murray

                                     UNCLE MURRAY
                         Hello, Ike! Say, where's little Kyle?
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         He's been sent to his room for being 
                         a bastard. He's decided that Ike isn't 
                         his brother, since he's adopted. 
 
                         
                                     GUEST
                         Hi there!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Hello. Ddo I know you?

                                     GUEST
                         Uhno, but I never miss a bris. Here, 
                         I brought some dip. 
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Ohhh, thanks.

               [Kyle's room. The boys are gathered there]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, I guess the chopping is about 
                         to commence.
 
                                     IKE
                          Oh deh family nrr.

                                     KYLE
                         What do you want?!

                                     IKE
                         I wumuh trecompr. Com. Tebruhnerr. 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Oooh no you don't! That isn't gonna 
                         work on me, Canadian!
 
                                     STAN
                         Maybe you're being too hard on him, 
                         dude.
 
                                     KYLE
                         No way! There's no real connection between 
                         us. It was all a big lie.
 
                                     IKE
                          Cooka monster  two three four five. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Go on, Canadian! Beat it! I'm through 
                         getting in trouble for you!
 
                                     IKE
                          Baraterndr nfard fy.

               
               BETTY FORD CLINIC

                                     SOCIAL WORKER
                         You have to admit you have a problem 
                         before anyone can help you.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         But I don't think I really have a problem.
 
                         
                                     SOCIAL WORKER
                         Nonsense! You did drugs! I suppose you 
                         forgot all about your family.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         I don't really have a family.

                                     SOCIAL WORKER
                         And you lost your job.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         No, I lost my job before that.

                                     SOCIAL WORKER
                         Mr. Mackey, you're supposed to be an 
                         adult. 
 
               REHABILITATION

               The problem with drugs is that people forget to stop doing them. 
               There's a time and a place for everything, Mr. Mackey, and it's 
               called 'College!' Now, I want you to repeat after me- 'Drugs 
               Are Bad.'
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Drugs are baad.

                                     SOCIAL WORKER
                         Drugs Are Bad.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Uuh. Dru- drugs are baad.

               [More guests arrive for Ike's bris. Ding-dong]

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Hello, Dr. Schwartz. Thank you so much 
                         for coming all this way to perform Ike's 
                         bris.
 
                                     DOCTOR
                         Oh, my pleasure, Sheila. I brought the 
                         normal cutting device, but then I remembered 
                         that Ike was Canadian, so I brought 
                         the right one . Where is the little 
                         rug rat?
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Right over here. 

                                     DOCTOR
                         Come 'ere, you!

                                     IKE
                         Oowwww!  Oh deh faminrr. 

                                     DOCTOR
                         Ike? Ike?

                                     IKE
                          Heh cohcoh mondefern menurr. 

                                     DOCTOR
                         There you are. Come on Ike, it's time.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          You stay away from my little brother!
 
                         
                                     DOCTOR
                         Bu-bu-but son I just-

                                     KYLE
                         You aren't gonna cut off his weewee. 
                         Not today, you sick-ass weirdo!
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          Kyle, what are you talking about?!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         And you! You should be ashaned of yourself! 
                         Don't you understand that us males are 
                         defined by our firemen?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Yes. The fireman is very magical. If 
                         you rub his helmet, he spits in your 
                         eyes. 
 
                                     DOCTOR
                         Kyle. A-a circumcision is a very common 
                         thing for Ike to have. His father had 
                         it, his grandfather had it. And  his 
                         brother had it.
 
                                     KYLE
                         No!  No, it isn't true!

                                     DOCTOR
                         We're not going to cut it off! We're 
                         just goin' to snip it, so it looks bigger.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Oh, hey, that doesn't sound like a 
                         bad idea!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Heyeah, I want to get a circumstision, 
                         too. 
 
               [The Betty Ford Clinic. Mr. Mackey and the social worker exit 
               the main building]
 
                                     SOCIAL WORKER
                         Congratulations, Mr Mackey. You are 
                         fully recovered.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         I can't thank you enough for everything, 
                         mkay? I feel like my old self again.
 
                         
                                     SOCIAL WORKER
                         Just one more thing.  Remember that 
                         you caaan stay sober.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         I will, Ms. Social Worker. I will.  
                         Mkay?
 
               [Kyle's house. Everyone is gathered for the bris]

                                     KYLE
                         It's okay, Ike. I'm here.

                                     DOCTOR
                         And-a one and-a two and-a… bris .

                                     IKE
                         Ouch. Amuhbuhbuhbuh.  Cooka monsder.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          Ike, you're okay. 

                                     STAN
                         Whoa, dude, I guess having a bris isn't 
                         all that bad.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. You know, I've learned something 
                         today. Family isn't about whose blood 
                         you have, it's about who you care about.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah.

                                     KYLE
                         And that's why I feel like you guys 
                         are more than just friends. You're my 
                         family.  Except for Cartman.
 
                                     STAN
                          Naturally.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Eah, screw you guys! I don't- wanna 
                         be in your penis-choppin' family anyway!
 
                         
               [Monday morning, Mr. Garrison's class]

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         And so now, children, your school counselor 
                         is back, to tell you first-hand about 
                         his nasty experience with drugs and 
                         alcohol. 
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Okay, kids? Uh- you shouldn't do drugs, 
                         nkay-drugs are bad. You see, I was at 
                         the bottom of the barrel. I was a wreck; 
                         why, I didn't even care about money. 
                         I wasuh I was wasting my life.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, you guys wanna come to my bris 
                         tomorrow?
 
                                     STAN
                         You can't have your bris tomorrow, Cartman, 
                         that's when I'm having mine.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No way, I set up mine first, hippie!
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Now boys, you need to listen up, onkay? 
                         Wha- what I'm talkin' about might save 
                         your life someday, mkay?
 
                                     STAN
                         Uhkay, Mr. Mackey, umkay?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Onkay.

                                     KYLE
                         Mkay?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Onkay.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Hmkay.  Now, as I was sayin, uh- drugs 
                         are bad. You shouldn't do drugs. Eh, 
                         uh if you do them, you're bad. Because 
                         drugs are bad. Mkay? It's a bad thing 
                         to do drugs, soduh so don't be bad. 
                         By doing drugs, unkay? That'd be bad. 
                         Uh drugs are bad. Unkay?
 
               

                                        THE END
 


Ike's wee wee



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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